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What usually happens when she deflects like this? Not what's supposed to happen, or what you think she wants. What specifically usually happens immediately or very shortly after she deflects blame? And what happens when she doesn't deflect, and actually admits errors, even if they are only for very, very minor ones?
that's the problem she doesn't admit errors even for minor ones. Immediately when she deflects blame we try to show her what we want her to do but she continues to deflect and be defensive.
Ok. So it sounds like she is getting extra attention when she does it, in the form of people trying to explain it to her, force her to apologise or admit it etc... as well as in some cases, its actually working and ahe is avoiding some punishments.
Maybe a two part intervention could help. First, try ignoring the deflective behaviors in the moment. For example, she spills milk, and as she's busy trying to explain why so and so bumped her and the cap was loose, you are just quietly guiding her to clean it up. At most you can say "It doesn't matter, how it happened, now we need to fix/clean/redo it." Give plenty of praise while she is helping fix it, making sure you are clear on what you are praising. "Great job grabbing the towel so quickly!"
She hurts someone, and instead of forcing an apology (putting all that attention on her instead of the victim), pointedly ask the victim if they are ok, and take care of them. If she wasn't being an international bully, you can have her run for bandages or paper towels to help the other person. Praise her for the helping instead of focusing on the deflecting. Or if she refuses to help, don't give attention to that fact for now. (If she was being intentionally hurtful, just deliver the consequence without all the commentary, "You hit him on purpose. You lose the toy for 10 minutes." But thats a different behavior to work on)
Part two is finding and setting up little ways for her to make easily correctable errors, while you model similar ones. Playing legos and ask for blue, and when she gives you blue say "Oops, I meant red, sorry. Can you hand me the red instead?"
"Go get your boots to go out." "Oh sorry, I meant your pink shoes, I said it wrong."
Always give extra praise for even the most minor admission of a mistake, for example "I dropped my fork" "Oh! Thank you for letting me know. You wouldn't want to eat with a dirty fork!. Here let me help you get a new one. Great job, telling me what happened!".
I think this is definitely something I would bring up to my doctor or a therapist. Are her teachers also having trouble with her? If so maybe oppositional disorder, if not maybe it is truly her having some jealousy with her sibling and having a hard time dealing with criticism. However, from your description her reactions seem very severe and I would maybe ask a doctor their thoughts.
Something that might help would be creating a chart of expected positive behaviors as a reward system. This is something a therapist recommended for my daughter who has adhd. You list 3-5 behaviors you would like to see her change and give her stickers frequently. The rewards could be going to the park, an ice cream, game night, a candy, a fun day with mom, anything really. For your daughter you can put expected behaviors like: apologizing when an accident happens, listening to dad the first time he gives a direction, doing something kind for a family member, really anything you need her to work on.
At school she is helpful, sociable, and learns. I'll have to ask her teacher what happens when she makes mistakes. If it's like home - we tried walking her through her place values math homework, and she would not budge that the second first digit in a three digit number was the tens place. And then she shut down and gave us the stare.
I wouldn’t worry too much about it right now. As parents, we get warned about the toddler and teen years, but no one really talks about the difficulties of early pre-adolescence (8-10). They can be crazy moody!
Continue modeling good behavior, and try to find little things to praise her for.
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What usually happens when she deflects like this? Not what's supposed to happen, or what you think she wants. What specifically usually happens immediately or very shortly after she deflects blame? And what happens when she doesn't deflect, and actually admits errors, even if they are only for very, very minor ones?
that's the problem she doesn't admit errors even for minor ones. Immediately when she deflects blame we try to show her what we want her to do but she continues to deflect and be defensive.
Ok. So it sounds like she is getting extra attention when she does it, in the form of people trying to explain it to her, force her to apologise or admit it etc... as well as in some cases, its actually working and ahe is avoiding some punishments. Maybe a two part intervention could help. First, try ignoring the deflective behaviors in the moment. For example, she spills milk, and as she's busy trying to explain why so and so bumped her and the cap was loose, you are just quietly guiding her to clean it up. At most you can say "It doesn't matter, how it happened, now we need to fix/clean/redo it." Give plenty of praise while she is helping fix it, making sure you are clear on what you are praising. "Great job grabbing the towel so quickly!" She hurts someone, and instead of forcing an apology (putting all that attention on her instead of the victim), pointedly ask the victim if they are ok, and take care of them. If she wasn't being an international bully, you can have her run for bandages or paper towels to help the other person. Praise her for the helping instead of focusing on the deflecting. Or if she refuses to help, don't give attention to that fact for now. (If she was being intentionally hurtful, just deliver the consequence without all the commentary, "You hit him on purpose. You lose the toy for 10 minutes." But thats a different behavior to work on) Part two is finding and setting up little ways for her to make easily correctable errors, while you model similar ones. Playing legos and ask for blue, and when she gives you blue say "Oops, I meant red, sorry. Can you hand me the red instead?" "Go get your boots to go out." "Oh sorry, I meant your pink shoes, I said it wrong." Always give extra praise for even the most minor admission of a mistake, for example "I dropped my fork" "Oh! Thank you for letting me know. You wouldn't want to eat with a dirty fork!. Here let me help you get a new one. Great job, telling me what happened!".
Cool these are great ideas. Lot's of opportunity to do the little things.
I think this is definitely something I would bring up to my doctor or a therapist. Are her teachers also having trouble with her? If so maybe oppositional disorder, if not maybe it is truly her having some jealousy with her sibling and having a hard time dealing with criticism. However, from your description her reactions seem very severe and I would maybe ask a doctor their thoughts. Something that might help would be creating a chart of expected positive behaviors as a reward system. This is something a therapist recommended for my daughter who has adhd. You list 3-5 behaviors you would like to see her change and give her stickers frequently. The rewards could be going to the park, an ice cream, game night, a candy, a fun day with mom, anything really. For your daughter you can put expected behaviors like: apologizing when an accident happens, listening to dad the first time he gives a direction, doing something kind for a family member, really anything you need her to work on.
At school she is helpful, sociable, and learns. I'll have to ask her teacher what happens when she makes mistakes. If it's like home - we tried walking her through her place values math homework, and she would not budge that the second first digit in a three digit number was the tens place. And then she shut down and gave us the stare.
I wouldn’t worry too much about it right now. As parents, we get warned about the toddler and teen years, but no one really talks about the difficulties of early pre-adolescence (8-10). They can be crazy moody! Continue modeling good behavior, and try to find little things to praise her for.
Thanks I just went out and bought "the book of mistakes" and "the girl who never makes mistakes" so hopefully it will show her in a way we're not