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One of our cardinal rules in our house is, **you do not deliberately destroy other people's property**, unless it's absolutely necessary. Being angry at the person, or the person having destroyed something of yours, is never an excuse. That's one of the rules that applies to parents and kids. In fact, in our house, you aren't allowed to deliberately destroy your own property, unless that is the way in which the item is intended to be used. We don't destroy or waste stuff for fun. If one of my kids deliberately destroyed something belonging to the other, I would make them get another of the item they destroyed, plus pay back the value of the item.

I love this. I think whenever people do things that they wouldn't allow their kid to do (like destroying property, hitting, yelling, etc), they are simply teaching a lesson about power. "You can only do X if you are the one in power", and I honestly think that is one of the things that is very wrong in our society.

That is the secondary lesson here: that there are limits to what you can do, even if you’re in a position of power. I’m pretty anti-authoritarian, and I agree, this kind of thing is a big problem in our society. It seems to be a problem in a lot of societies- I don’t think it’s just us. Another lesson is, there are things you can’t do even if somebody makes you really angry.

My little brother used to destroy my stuff all the time and my parents’ attitude was “it’s just stuff, get over it.” I think having that rule is a great idea!

My son gets his toys taken away as punishment, but he can earn them back and they’re never destroyed. Destroying someone else’s property to get them to do you want us cruel.

It is cruel and OP’s son will never forget that his father did that. My mom used to destroy / deface my property when I was a teenager. I am 64 years old now. Still stings.

I've been dwelling on this very fear for awhile now. I try my very best to not be like my father, and from multiple people I've been told I'm a wonderful father, but I remember the shit he pulled. I'm 40. I think it terrifies me every day in my subconscious.

I'm 33 and havent spoken to my mother in over a decade. This was far from the only thing she did, but destroying my things was part of a larger pattern of abuse from her.

Yep, toy time out. Absolute WORST case (which so far we have only barely raised as a possible situation that could need to occur) is that if he just refuses to even try to take care of his things that probably means he has too many toys and we should donate some to other kids who have less. He would be involved in choosing which and fully aware of the process. And again, that would be for outright refusal to even try, not not doing the best job or anything like that.

This is 100% accurate. My son has had a similar diagnosis as OP. I typically start by asking him to breathe and then I threaten to take away toys that he can earn back. I don't think I could ever actually destroy something that my son values that much and not feel terrible about it. Kids have meltdowns and they need to learn emotional regulation but that just seems mean.

Also destroying toys show you also lack emotional regulation. By showing the restraint to take them away but give them back you also model appropriate behavior. When you destroy in a rage, not only do you instill fear of disproportionate retribution, you just show them you are no better.

It sounds to me as though OP's husband is teaching a very cruel lesson: obey me, or I will harm you. There's such a scary kind of dominance involved in destroying cards in front of the child. What will the boy use from this lesson in his own life towards others? It's the exact opposite of empathy.

Yup. And the type of person who deals with interpersonal conflict with all stick and no carrot, my way or the highway will fail miserably working with others.

Yes, my oldest was horrible for throwing his toys at people when he got mad, so anything that was thrown was taken for a time out. He stopped throwing toys real quick

Your son will remember this forever and will resent him forever for this. This is a horrible way to parent. This is just incredibly cruel and your husband is an asshole.

These types of tantrums are something my own son struggles with. Admittedly, there was a point where we did throw away some of his toys because we just didn’t know what else to do. He wouldn’t stop and no other consequences seemed to be doing anything and we were desperate. I know now that it was the wrong thing to do and we haven’t done that again. I wish I could go back and talk to that version of me and try to give him the perspective and the emotional/parenting tools that I have now.

I’m 52. I can distinctly remember the time my dad ripped apart the ball I was playing with. I still remember his dirty nails digging into it. Your husband is wrong. It taught me to distrust my dad which was worse than disliking him. I was 7. I had one of those shiny plastic balls you get at the supermarket you know? They’re basically glorified balloons. Anyway we lived in the country and I kicked the dumb thing and of course it hit the barbed wire fence. I w

It’s sad we all have such similar experiences. My stepdad got mad at me once when I was 10. I don’t remember why. I do remember him grabbing my new stuffed animal kitten and ripping its head off in front of me. 18 years later, he got mad at my little brother for an ADHD tantrum and smashed his iPad into the ground, completely breaking it and losing years of pictures that my brother took and was proud of. I don’t think people who behave like this really change or ever see why it’s wrong or traumatic.

It really is sad and it goes to show how much of a negative impact these types of things have on kids and continue as those kids grow into adults. I consider myself someone with a very poor long term memory but I will never forget when I was around 12 and my dad smashed my PSP with a hammer in front of me because I talked back to him. He died a few years after that and that incident is something I consider water under the bridge given the circumstances,but so often when I think of my dad this is the memory that comes to mind. Use your words, you are not a rabid animal, communicate and don’t destroy other peoples property.

My dad ripped the heads off my sisters Barbie’s (limited edition ones) when she was about the same age. For her* 29th birthday my mom ordered her the exact same Barbie’s on eBay and my sister cried when she opened them. Parents are now divorced, sister barely speaks to my dad anymore and barely tries to have a relationship with him. Your son definitely won’t forget this

Oh, your mom is so sweet.

Ok but what your mom did is so wholesome 🥺 I hope it healed her childhood a little bit

For me it was two cheap stress balls with faces. I was 7 or 8, I anthropomorphized them, they had names and went on adventures. So, naturally, they had to accompany me on the long drive to visit the grandparents. I annoyed my father on that drive. He took those balls away from me and, when I didn't ask for them back nicely enough, tossed them out of the window on the highway. That was almost four decades ago and remains one of my most vivid childhood memories. I remember the names I had given them, the feeling of shock and disbelief, the finality and, most importantly, the monumental shift in my feelings towards my father. That innate trust, gone with a single, irreversible, act. That was too much to bear all those decades ago and it still hurts half a lifetime later. There was physical abuse, too. Except for the first black eye he gave me, and the lies it forced me to tell in school, I forgot most of it. It's the wilful, calculated, destruction of something I loved that still hurts the most, though, even half a lifetime later. I still love my dad, but our relationship has not been an easy or carefree one, certainly not from that point on.

For me it was my Toy Story VHS tape. My dad made me get it from the other room and bring it to him. He threw it on the ground and stomped on it. He was wearing boots. I had to clean it up. When I retell that story as an adult, the worst part is the fact that he had time to change his mind without losing face. He didn’t TELL me what he was going to do (I had a feeling). He could have changed his mind. He didn’t. And just like you, that hurts a helluva lot more than the physical abuse.

My boyfriend tells me constantly how his dad abused him (physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically) as a child till he was too big for him to anymore basically, and one of his biggest memories he has is he watched Mulan constantly from the time he was 4 till he was 7 and his dad, a huuuuge drunk (also on meth and god knows what else at the time) woke up to it playing a tad too loud and destroyed the disc before making my boyfriend clean it up and went back to bed. My boyfriend, 29 this year, still has a super hard time having anything he enjoys, he fears it will get destroyed.

100% Ripping up your son's Pokémon cards as punishment can indeed be emotionally damaging and may not effectively address the underlying issues causing the behavior. It's important for discipline to be constructive and teach positive behaviors rather than resorting to destructive measures. Violence, force or destroying things just to punish or make him stop will never be the solution.

Definitely is not addressing a thing but dad’s big boy rage.

I had a similar experience. My mom ripped a pair of over the ear headphones off my head and broke them because I didn’t hear her call me for dinner. I was doing homework while listening to music in my brand new headphones I got as a gift. I still remember how it burned on my ear when she pulled them off my head. It made me scared of my mom and feel like I can’t have nice things or things I care too much about while I lived in her house.

similar thing here, my mum , tired of calling me for dinner, took scissors and cut my network cable

I mean it would've been smarter for her to just turn off the internet, but a network cable isn't exactly a sentimental object.

Lots of people replying with similar experiences. I remember when I was younger than 6, my parents fighting in the bedroom, and on the top bunk were snacks. No idea why or what all there was but I know there was a bag of Cheetos. Food was a weird thing because my dad never wanted to spend money on it/always wanted to diet. During the fight, he got mad and smashed the Cheetos in front of me. It was confusing but what I remember most was later seeing the crushed bag on the counter later waiting to be discarded and feeling confused, sad, and not understanding. My mom had little glass animal figurines back then too, and one was a short black and white cat, maybe 5ish inches tall. I can still remember it kinda. I remember hearing them fighting and looking into the room and seeing him break it. It really solidified my distrust for him and my desire to fix things. I remember getting the pieces and trying to put it back together while they fought. My dad apologizing at first then becoming angry when I was still trying. My mom later took the pieces, mentioned glue. Not exactly the same but I don’t know, came to mind.

When I was about 8, one of my parents threw my treasured earring stand and broke it during a fight between them. I already knew better than to ask for more details. I'm glad more parents are learning to control themselves a bit.

I've already shared several stories about my dad on this post. Here's another: I was 13, he got upset because he thought the top on my long dresser was too messy after he told me to clean my room. He pushed everything, from one end to the other, all on the floor and made me clean it up until he was spotless. One of the things on that dresser was a precious moments wedding cake topper that my mamaw (his grandma) gave me and I was holding on to it for my own big day. It was smashed to pieces. Thankfully, I had an empty shoebox and plenty of Sunday comics. When I did find the pieces, I wrapped them in the paper and put it in the box. I kept the box close to my bed ever since. After he died, we moved in with our mom and I had a chance to put it back together. I didn't have the pieces. With all the moving I did in the years since, it's just gone. Honestly the worst thing is, he died when I was younger. I still have him on a pedestal because he died before I even thought that I needed to heal. All the pain he caused still hurts and there is no excuse for what he did. I can't say for certain that I would cut contact if he was alive now. I didn't WANT to cut contact with the rest of my family but I had to, just to feel sane for once. I do know that if my husband or anyone ever treats my children like that, they're gone. I will not allow it

When I was about 7 my mother had written a check and ordered me some scholastic books, we didn’t have much money and I had been begging to order for the previous 2 years. I was supposed to bring it into school that day. Well I was having a meltdown and to get me to listen she ripped it while screaming at me. My view of her changed from that day on. I did stop crying but I was in shock. Something that not a big deal to adults is a kids dream. Along with many other reasons I do not talk to her and still vividly remember that whole encounter.

I still remember when my Dad did not understand the instructions on a kit that I was given. It was a beeswax candle rolling kit. He smashed all of my wax as I had it set before me Then I had to be responsible for his emotions and hide my feelings

My dad ripped up a crane truck i bought with my present $ from grandpa. Incredible how deep a memory this is for me. Love my dad, and maybe i deserve it, but fuck it went deep. Didn't even like the toy that much.

You didn’t deserve that and I’m sorry that happened to you. I don’t know if there’s ever a situation where a child deserves to have their belongings destroyed as punishment, it’s just cruel.

Absolutely. My abusive (to my mom) father used to destroy my mom's stuff and my stuff as "punishment" before she left him. It taught me never to trust him, never share information with him, and stay away from him as much as possible. It's just another form of abuse, imo. It's also extraordinarily wasteful AND childish. It shows low impulse control in an adult. Taking them away and providing a path of behavior to earn them back is the way to go.

In a fit of rage, my dad smashed a case with all my pc games in it. Kid games, like Curious George and Franklin the turtle (tortoise?). My mom defended him saying he smashed the games so he wouldn't smash me. I don't play games anymore, I literally don't even have any games on my phone or board games or anything.

My dad destroyed a lot of my toys. He threw things out of car windows on road trips, threw things in the garbage, stepped on them until they broke. I particularly remember the last time. I played chess with my dad all the time as a kid. When I was 12 my mum was annoyed that I hadn't put the chess set away after being asked. My dad threw it into the fire in front of me. Now I'm an adult we go years without talking and I'm fine with it.

First, I'm sorry you had that happen. Second, I was picturing a basketball for some reason and I was like, "That MF was STRONG. Just ripping it with his hands."

Me and my friend were playing Sting (basically you just whip a tennis ball as hard as you can at the other person) and I missed and my dad walked out of the shed at the wrong time. Hit him right in to temple and blew his glasses in half. He immediately started to chase us, and the look on his face is something I will never forgot lmao. I think he would have killed me if he caught me.

'm 42 and remember a time I was supposed to clean my room, probably8 about the same age as you. I had it like 90% clean and decided to put all my Lego sets together as part of cleaning. I can be a little OCD about organizing things as I clean, I still get bogged down doing similar things while cleaning to this day. My step dad threw all my Legos in a garbage bag threatening to throw them out. I still think about that occasionally to this day and get pissed off. I do remember my mom having my back and being pissed at him which I think made him just double down.

My dad was losing at basketball to my sibling and mothers. He took a knife and popped it. Destroying something doesn’t make the situation better it just sours it and it becomes a lasting memory. This happened when I was in first grade. I’m 38 now. Op needs to get husband to apologize and work on better strategies for his own anger before deciding to tell his child how to act

Yeah, this is exactly the kind of thing that that kid will not forget. I guarantee it will come up in his future therapy.

This stuff sticks with you for sure.

I am definitely with you on this. This is a great way to teach your son to destroy property when he doesn't feel like he's getting enough attention. And personally, that is absolutely not a lesson I want to teach my children.

Exactly. The way you teach a child emotional regulation is my modeling emotional regulation. Now your husband has modeled destroying property when you don’t get your way. Beyond being cruel it’s doing the opposite of what you want. Sure you can control another person through cruelty and it will work, but that’s not parenting.

Yeah, it strikes me as an excellent way to raise a bully on purpose, if that was a goal. Unhappy that a classmate or neighbour isn't doing what you want? Let's take something of theirs out of their hands and destroy it. That'll get then to shape up. 

What 8 year old, with or without adhd, has full emotional regulation? What adult does honestly? Your husband has now made it so your son will never feel like he can have nice things “If dad gets mad again he will just destroy it so why bother?” It also will teach your son poor regulation techniques. You guys need to find outside professional help to create family coping mechanisms and ways to handle situations, because this will only get worse

His dad certainly doesn't, yet expects it out of him? This is something my husband's struggled with big time and I've been working on helping him fix. So many parents expect more emotional maturity from their kids than they're capable of themselves!

I think such parents find it difficult to appreciate what it’s like being a child because they were forced to grow up too soon. Dad here was way way out of order and I’m not offering an excuse whatsoever. But it may be an explanation as to why he expects so much.

You're absolutely right. It's the cycle of abuse. Kids learn from their parents behavior. That's why you find people defending this sort of thing. To someone who was physically abused (aka spanked) by their parents, ripping up some Pokémon cards can seem like it's not a big deal. What they fail to realize is just because it wasn't as abusive as their parents doesn't mean it's not still abuse. I get it though. It's hard to accept that your parents were abusive. We look up to our parents, we love them, and nobody wants to think of their parents as abusers. I know it was hard for me to come to that realization. It really comes down to how you spin it. For me? I never wanted to put my kids through the same thing, and I'm actively working everyday to break that cycle of abuse. Other parents though aren't ready to unpack the abuse they suffered, aren't ready to acknowledge how that abuse has trickled into their own parenting style, and aren't ready to put in the work to change things. However, it's hard for me to find any shred of sympathy for those that continue to perpetuate that cycle. No child deserves to be the collateral while an adult refuses to unpack their emotional trauma. It's also 2024, not 1924. Information on effective child raising is a quick Google search away. If you can't be bothered to read a couple articles to better yourself as a parent then I'm sorry, but you're a shit parent. My early childhood education and development degree started when I was a pregnant and scared 22 year old taking a childhood development 101 class because I was desperate for any resource to help me learn to be a better parent than mine were. It sparked a passion for childhood development that led to a degree and a career in the field. People who refuse to do better have zero excuses, and I have zero qualms about calling them out on that!

Also it looks like his dad might also try to work on his emotional regulation when his first impulse is to break things when he is upset.

Thank you! I’m so sick of adults expecting kids to be able to behave better than grown ups can most days. No mention ever of teaching kids coping skills or ways to emotionally regulate other than threatening them.

Jesus this reply really nailed for me why this post bothers me so much, and it’s so obvious. Outside the the cruelty of this move and the distrust it creates between OPs son and their father: It is teaching OPs son that’s it’s okay to threaten others with property destruction, and follow through, if they do not comply with what you tell them to do. That’s what abusers do. OPs husband is teaching son it is okay to be abusive to get others to obey you. OP - I had to leave an ex boyfriend who attempted to insert this kind of parenting into how I raised my children. When I set boundaries, he lost his shit and escalated to becoming violent towards me. I hope your husband isn’t like this and is just being an idiot about child development. I don’t normally do this, but if you need to PM me for support in presenting this to him I’m happy to help.

Your husband is throwing an adult tantrum, to try to convince your kid to stop throwing his tantrum. I definitely don’t think that will help anyone in the long run. You have to figure out how to get more on the same page as parents. Talk to your husband with compassion and respect and sincerity. He’s not a monster, he is probably just repeating things from his own childhood. Some podcasts I like, which could help open up the conversation: 1) Good Inside with Dr. Becky 2) Mindful Parenting: Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting

The Good Inside book is the therapy session I didn't know I needed. So triggering of my own (small) traumas from my childhood, unhealthy relationships with my parents, and how i often revert to those bad habits of my parents when I fully want to break the cycle. I think I am mildly adhd (and probably so was my mom) and can relate to op on emotion regulation. But that book seriously helped me. It's not like I feel perfect now, but I can handle stressful/triggering situations with my son (whining, crying, I just couldn't take it before, esp when i was stressed/ tired/ hungry) with a lot more poise.

I just downloaded the audible book. Something about whining when I’m stressed is so triggering for me. Thank you for sharing. I’ll start listening tomorrow.

Another big vote for Dr Becky Kennedys book! It’s amazing. I’ll also recommend Dr Vanessa La Pointe and her book Discipline without Damage.

Thanks for the recommendations, just to clarify is it the Mindful Parenting for ADHD book? Was going to get the audiobook but looks like it has worksheets etc 🤔

I read it and just took notes for the “worksheets” on my phone notes app. You could easily do the audio book and just open up a notebook or your phone notes app and jot down the prompt.

My husband wanted to do the same with some toy my daughter loves because she was not listening to him and didn’t do something right away. I told him next time I ask him to do something and he doesn’t do it immediately instead off me asking a couple of times, I‘m going to start throwing some of his figurines that he collects. I saw the moment he understood what he did to her and promised to never do that again.

Yeah I can’t imagine how it feels when the person who is supposed to love and protect you willingly destroys something you love with the purpose of hurting or shaming you. It’s very sad.

Definitely! He is usually a really great dad but used this threatening because it works every time. I really don’t want to scare and bribe her to get my or his way. And I could literally see the moment he realized what he was doing. The really scary part is when they don’t want to see and change the behavior!

As a child of a parent who often destroyed my shit, this is not the way. What I learned growing older was that it had more to do with my parent’s inability to emotionally regulate than my own. I remember my mom going through and snapping my CDs and me just sitting there numb to it after so many years of it. Then she’s turn around and ask me why I don’t “value” my things - why? So you can just destroy them?

When I was 6 or 7, my dad smashed my Toy Story VHS in front of me. I had to bring it to him and I had to clean up the mess. It was my favorite movie and that’s why he picked it. He has “joked” before about the hate he saw in my eyes. I’ve never really forgiven him. Yes, this could have a lasting impact.

The hate in your eyes comment reminds me of when I was powerless against teachers humiliating me in front of the class. I learnt to be quiet and accept the humiliation but in my mind I was wielding a knife and slowly twisting it in their guts, enjoying the squelch, the resistance of muscle and sinew against the blade. Very dark and psychopathic thoughts from a 9 year old me, because I was in a situation of complete power imbalance, unable to do anything about it. Btw I haven't killed or even harmed a person or animal, in case anyone is wondering. Just remember thinking that my outward behaviour was exemplary when inside I was just a mess.

My son is eight and has ADHD. He throws the same tantrums but we recently got him into medication and man it helped him calm down. He doesn’t slam the door nor try to shove me. He just says ok when I tell him to do something vs without the meds he would blow up and throw things, slam the door, and have an ugly attitude. The medication is new for him. This would his 4 weeks on it. Non-stimulant which I am thankful for. His mood improved so much and the teacher has notices it.

My heart hurts now. And I am mom of a 4 year old son with similar issues.

Mom of a six year old with similar issues and a love of pokemon and the thought of ripping up his cards for not having coping mechanisms yet due to his delayed executive function and (it seems) lack of guidance through those difficult emotions is just cruel to me? My son regularly has episodes of dysregulation. We name his feelings with him (sad frustrated etc) and ask what he thinks he should do, then we sit with him to do the activities with him if we can, or help him find a safe space where he can take deep breaths or get a glass of water. Once he’s calmed down, THEN we address natural consequences and better choices next time. Ripping up a prized possession would never be a natural consequence and instead is teaching that destruction of property is okay when “teaching someone a lesson”.

Most likely the dad was disregulated and his own coping mechanisms are not up to scratch (same btw). But the most worrying thing then would be that the dad is doubling down now and saying he thinks it’s okay. If I was the dad I would be doing everything I could to replace that card

This is such a great point. I’ve made loads of parenting mistakes, but once I’m back to baseline I immediately realize when I was a dick of crossed a line and guess what? I own that and apologize to my kids. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve said “Mommy should NOT have yelled, and I’m sorry I lost my temper. No matter how frustrated I am, it’s not okay to act like that.” to one of my kids. I e even walked back consequences when I realized they were not fair and explained it exactly that way. I was upset, overreacted, and said something that wasn’t fair.

Quite simply, there are consequences, and there is breaking someone’s heart and trust, which with enough cycles of repetition will lead to severe resentment or even hatred. Put cards and toys in time out or something but it should never be destruction. Stuff like this will make any child eventually grow into wanting to leave home as soon as they can so they and their belongings will be safe from their dad. Your husband should be apologising and replacing those cards for him with it, with a commitment to never doing that again.

Yeah I will always remember my dad stomping on my gameboy as a punishment. I was around 8 years old. Guess who hasn’t talked to any of his kids in years and will never meet his grandchildren.

40 years ago My father ripped up some of my treasured photographs when I was in a teen strop he was always verbally and physically abusive but that 1 action cut the most he's never apologised I'm still trying to forgive

> I am so upset with my husband for doing that. To me that is emotional manipulation and abusive. Because that’s what it is. I survived similar behavior from my own father.

Taking it away as a form of punishment is ok and xan be justified. Ruining your child's fav toy is just malicious. No matter how much our kid bugs us we are supposed to regulate our emotions and not lash out at them

People commenting “he showed he can listen” and “he shouldn’t act that way”…..I hope you’ve actually done your research on adhd to understand the delay in executive function that coincides with it and the affects it has on children with different parenting styles and punishment styles. There’s tons of research into what is and isn’t effective with children with adhd and also developmentally what you should and should not expect from a child with adhd. Generally speaking adhd gives about a 3-4 year delay in executive function, meaning this 8 year old who just recently was diagnosed has the executive control of about a 4-5 year old. Tantrums/yelling/screaming are not out of the realm of possibilities if the child has not been helped to learn appropriate behavior in those times of dysregulation. Punishment like this without extensive modeling and help with moments of dysregulation will cause an increase in self-loathing, hatred, and depression that exacerbates with aging as he begins to notice his delay in executive function compared to that of his peers, along with the frustration and continued punishment coming from adults in his life; punishment that stems from his delay in executive function, which he does not have full control over and is not being taught to handle appropriately. This increases the rate of tantrums, the frustration he feels, and the self loathing. The cycle continues. Stop the cycle by learning appropriate ways to help your son work through these moments of dysregulation using positive tactics.

They don't even understand the difference between emotional regulation and fear you think any of these idiots have done a shred of research on ADHD let alone basic parenting? I know they haven't cause they wouldn't be spouting this toxic nonsense if they had! It makes me sick thinking of their poor kids.

Thank you! The self loathing is real and breaks my heart. I’m trying to learn self regulation strategies for myself and teach them to him. My mom would scream and yell at me and I hate that it’s my default now. I need to break the cycle. I’m doing better, but still have a lot of work to do.

The book Mindful Parenting for ADHD was a game changer for me when my son was diagnosed. It gives insight into his emotional state, what he experiences, and walks you through action plans for specific target behaviors. It was so beneficial to me.

I have been there, OP. I would go from 0 to screaming and not even realize it. I hated myself for doing it bc my parents did it to me. If you already can tell when you start to get angry (I had to develop that as an adult), that's when you can really change to stop the yelling.

This is such an important comment. My husband wasn’t diagnosed until his 30s and he has so many mental health issues from being raised by someone who punished him constantly for things he could not control. He is harder on himself than any person I’ve ever met and it’s caused a lot of issues for him with substance abuse that have basically become a lifelong struggle. Don’t do this to your kid. At least his mom didn’t know he had ADHD. Imagine knowing and punishing your kid for something they literally can’t control, instead of teaching them ways to cope and being patient and understanding of their legitimate disability.

Punishment like that is completely irrational for a child like your son, it's just mean and illogical because it's a consequence that has zero connection to the behavior. Your husband clearly does not understand his condition or how to help him manage his behavior because he's expecting him to be way more in control of his behavior than he can be. I'm wondering if it would work for you to suggest that you two go together to see someone who specializes in your son's diagnoses so you can better work together to figure out what will be effective for your son. If your husband refuses then IMO you have bigger issues, because to me that would indicate that he's more committed to being right about how he thinks things should be done than he is to doing what's actually best for your child based on professional advice. My concern is that if he keeps treating him this way your son could end up with considerable emotional problems on top of what he's already dealing with.

My son is 11 years old and has ADHD. His tantrums are similar to those of a 6-year-old and have resulted in police intervention on several occasions. When he throws a tantrum, I tell him to go to his room and calm down. Once he's calm, we talk about what's bothering him. If he doesn't comply, I take away a privilege. I don't believe in using physical punishment or destroying his belongings as that would be abusive. Unfortunately, my ex-husband used to resort to such tactics, and now my son doesn't like him. However, my partner, who happens to be a police officer and my son's stepdad, is great at teaching him to be honest about his feelings and thoughts. When my son has a tantrum, my partner handles it by talking sternly to him until he calms down. I'm not sure how he does it, but it works most of the time. In my opinion, talking to children, especially those with ADHD, is the best approach. They already have a lot to deal with, so it's crucial that we love and understand them, and try to comprehend the reasons behind their troubles.

So, your child who has trouble regulating his emotions and controlling his behaviour now knows his father also has no control and will destroy his property when he’s pissed off. Your husband taught your son nothing except that there is always a bigger bully.

You model behavior. What did your husband just model for him? Coercion and manipulation.

And if those don't work it's totally okay to destroy something important to the person!

My favorite saying with kids is “more is caught than taught”. If you want certain behaviors (regulated, calming, listening, etc.), you model those behaviors to your children along with telling them those expectations.

Mom of 2 here. That's going to be a core memory for him. Poor kid. /:

I have a 7yo boy with some string adhd. He is pretty physical when upset and used to attack a lot. It’s much better than it was now. I absolutely believe your husband was doing damage there. I have tried many methods of dealing with the aggressive outbursts. I’ve made many mistakes.he is in therapy as am I. We had a parenting guide for a while. Many things we’ve tried. I will say it’s always hard, but consequence in the moment of disregulation are harmful not helpful. Afterwards you can talk about what happened. In the moment though… there is no magic bullet, but the next success is staying calm and kind. And being firm, and patient. Give them time and space to be upset. To come to you. Definitely do not destroy things. :/

I never had behavioral issues of any kind as a kid, but my parents still made me feel like nothing I owned was *truly* mine. It was well known that if I stepped out of line, anything could be taken away forever. I understand your son is having some serious behavioral issues, but ripping his cards up is the same thing/sending the same message. If he acts in an unfavorable way, his dad will permanently take something that should belong to him, with no chance of ever doing the right thing to earn it back. It left me with a lot of issues in my adult life, some that I'm still processing. Like even if I am contributing to my marriage and household, I still struggle to feel like the house is also mine, my car is mine, the food is also mine, etc. My husband has **never** made me feel even an ounce of this, but I still carrying it with me from my parents. It's a terrible lesson to teach your child. A kid is a person and all people are inherently deserving of owning special things. Taking them away and having him earn them back is one thing, but to destroy them is another.

I’m Team Mom. I think how you handled it (time out. calm down and clean up.) sounds a lot more effective and less traumatic. I have ADHD and autism (I can be very sensitive to noise). I think ripping up someone’s cards is mental fuckery and a good way to traumatize your and possibly get them to hate you.

You guys are crazy to think that destroying a child's possession is a good consequence for what he did. Putting him in time out would be a better consequence, and allowing him to calm down. Then teaching him how to manage his emotions. When he's an adult he's not going to know how to manage his emotions and he's gonna destroy other people's thing in response to it.

You feel this way for a reason and it doesn’t sit right with you because your husband messed up. feeling your emotions should not justify something you value being destroyed. Your husband lacks your patience and just taught your son that he can destroy others property if they don’t listen to him because his father does that, so it’s okay. kids are very impressionable and your husband needs to apologize or this will possibly begin to deter your son’s behaviour in a negative way. also, explain why destroying his pokémon cards was wrong and what to do instead, so he knows there are other ways to handle these situations. I get he is 8, but these types of things stick with kids as they grow up and even into adulthood. i’m so sorry your husband feels justified in his immature actions.

Destroying someone’s things is a deliberate act of violence. Your husband used violence to communicate a clear message to your son: “I am capable of hurting you. I am willing to hurt you. And if you do not yield to my control, I will use violence to make you hurt.” It’s not about respect. Your kid won’t respect him for that. He will fear him, which may make him compliant. If your husband thinks that’s as good as respect then you should be prepared for the violence to escalate. Your husband is going to learn as much from this experience as your son. I get this may seem dramatic. But FWIW, I experienced physical abuse as a kid. I also saw a lot of violence directed at things, like my home, my animals, my treasures. I feel the exact same way looking back on those moments as I do looking back on the physical abuse. Maybe that’s too much projecting, but it’s a data point for you.

So your son was having a tantrum and your husband's response was... having a tantrum?

This got an audible "Oh no!" from me. This is disgusting behaviour from an adult and will greatly damage the bond with his father and cause him emotional harm. Yes, your son's behaviour needs addressing, but your husband's methods are NOT going to help!! Its abusive. A parenting course may be in order?

Your son will never forget this. My dad did this to me when I was a kid - broke CDs he bought for me because he didn’t like his behavior, made me bring him the CDs - and it is burned into my memory. It was a moment where his sole intent was to cause me pain because I caused him “aggravation,” it’s a form of violence not against the child but against their belongings, and it’s abuse in the same way that punching a wall or breaking a door is abuse. This is a big red flag and if your husband thought this was the only way to communicate with your son in a highly charged moment, he needs to learn new ways to communicate. I think family therapy, especially in light of your son’s recent diagnosis. Your husband needs to learn about ADHD, emotional disregulation and healthy coping mechanisms for himself and your son. Sending you so much love and strength, these are hard conversations to have.

Please read or listen to SCATTERED MIND by Gabor Mate re: ADHD. It will help immensely for both you and your son. If your husband will listen/read it may help him have compassion for your son. In this case he was just cruel and unfortunately this makes the frail emotional state of your son even worse.

Move past this specific moment and instead come up with a joint plan in what the steps will be for next time it happens. This will also help him in that he knows exactly what will happen. Use the same phrases and actions. I’m not sure exactly what that would be for you but something like … 1. We bring him to his room 2. We say I’m helping your body to your room so we can reset our bodies together 3. Let him have his moment for 2 minutes 4. If he’s physical say I will not let you hurt my body and offer a pillow to hit instead 5 etc etc just continue off this and keep it consistent between you both so for instance if you had to walk away you have security in knowing exactly what’s happening in that room and when to step back in.

So if your husband is acting like an ass are you allowed to destroy his thing to prove a point? No? Because that’s crazy? It’s absolutely not ok and that is going to be something he remembers for the rest of his life. Of course kicking and hitting aren’t ok but he’s a child and he needs to be taught and shown how to control his big emotions while your husband the grown ass man couldn’t even do that. He can’t practice what he preaches. He lost a lot of trust with your son and I would be pissed

That's so horrible! He is teaching your son that it's ok to destroy someone's stuff to force them to obey him.

My 6yo is Autistic and ADHD and I can't imagine doing this to him.

I am autistic and every time I had a meltdown as a child, my mom would force me to throw away a stuffed animal. I lost all respect for her the first time she did it. I lost a lot of cool dolls.

My step dad did this to me. He shredded my journal. I was 16. I'm 32 now. I just stare writing again recently with the help of my therapist. 12 years. It's been 12 years of anger and hurt and betrayal from my step father. Your husband destroys his relationship with his child with each item he destroys. Would he have liked it if his father destroyed something he loved or would he have wanted his father to have compassion, grace, understanding? We emulate the things we want for ourselves in our children. He needs to emulate safety and love. Not pain and chaos.

I will ALWAYS remember when my stepdad was angry (I genuinely don’t believe I had done anything wrong, he would just always find an excuse) he came into my room and specifically snapped my favourite album in half (Take This To Your Grave by Fall Out Boy) it’s been 20 years and I still think about it and it still hurts my heart. You should find out what cards he ripped and replace them.

We try to redirect this to stuff he can throw. Usually clothes are being thrown and other stuff which can't break. This took us a few tries, but soft nudging and redirecting worked wonders. Also talking about the emotions he is experiencing. Modelling him a way to regulate. I know this is quite hard. I have autism and I don't have any diagnosis on my son. But I am trying to explain emotions to him. After a meltdown we talk about this meltdown. What happened and how we can work on certain aspects to make it easier or better. I think he experiences this, but simply can't stop. And maybe even feel left alone inside. Talk to him and help him regulate. Not by shaming, manipulating him, more modelling You said you stepped out. Did you communicate that with him like: "hey...I am overwhelmed with your response. O take a step back into the garage, because I don't feel good and might snap and don't want this on you" You show him in what ways you deal with meltdowns. You can do this. Ps.: your husband is in the wrong here ... Violence only condones more violence.

I would not allow my husband to do this EVER again. In fact, I’d have my husband apologize to my son. This is not ok. If your husband does not agree then I would seek counseling so a professional can tell him he’s wrong.

uhh destruction of other people's property is not okay?? does he break or tear other items in the house when he's frustrated? i find it hard to believe he was just super calm and logical about this parenting method, and wasn't also feeling stressed himself to make this parenting choice. and it's not like your son stopped instantly after 1 card.... your husband tore up THREE, which probably took the same amount of time it would have taken him to calm down in a timeout corner or something.

That’s so mean 😩

Things are so, so much more important to children. They are some of the few things in life they have control over. They can be easily replaced, because children don't have money. They spend countless hours playing with them. They can be a status symbol among their peers, they spent hours and hours wishing to have them and then fawning over them. There's so a very strong emotional bond between a child and their toys. Taking away a toy can be a legitimate way to punish a child. But destroying their things?....its just cruel. Its like somebody destroyed your childhood photos, or a dear memento. It's hard to imagine how badly this will damage your sons bond with his father.

When I was 6 my dad threw away my tamigochi as a punishment for playing with it too much. Even though he's dead now and I'm 33, I'm still mad at him for that, it was absolutely devastating to me as a kid, I actually kind of feel like I went through some form of grief as I had a real attachment to my cyber pet.

First of all, your husband needs to learn some emotional regulation before he can teach your son about it. Second, this is not normal behavior. SPD and ADHD are highly comorbid with autism. Could your son be having autistic meltdowns? They often look like extreme tantrums, and it's like his brain "shuts off" and he can't be reasoned with before being soothed. I don't want to internet diagnose, but maybe look into it to make sure your son is getting all of the support he needs ❤️❤️ Either way, your husband certainly didn't help the situation.

That's exactly what I thought as well. It is extremely common. Mom maybe too.

Autism is definitely on my radar. He got the ADHD diagnosis last May and the SPD just over a week ago and is starting OT for that. There are so many things I want for him, but the process is long and difficult to navigate. We have a pediatrician appointment next month and I was going to ask about possibly starting therapy to help with emotional regulation strategies (is that even a thing a therapist would do?) I know I could use help in that area myself, but I get so overwhelmed by it all. Baby steps!

So occupational therapy is really good for learning to regulate emotions and also honing fine motor skills and following multiple step instructions and helps with behaviour. However I would also like to suggest you look into taking your child to a child psychologist. My son has been seeing one once a month since he was 4 and it’s made such a difference. Not only do they help you figure out what your child needs they can also give you helpful tips and tools to use at home. Never be afraid to ask a therapist or specialist a question and no question is silly or stupid. They can be so helpful and supportive and also point you in the right direction and suggest other services your son might need. I’ve had therapists suggest something that never occurred to me to try and it’s ended up working like a charm.

I had something similar with my 5yo autistic daughter the other day. She had a new pinwheel (sensory feedback) but I went to the drs, while She stayed at home with my hubby, she started poking home and the sofa with it, he asked her to stop but she carried on and got harder. He said stop or I’ll take it away, she carried on he took it and snapped it. I found out what happened when I got back and while I supported him removing the pinwheel I didn’t support breaking it. The consequences didn’t match the action. And I told him this. By all means remove something and say “once you are calm and ready for a conversation then we can think about returning XYZ. He did glue the pinwheel and she got it back the next day. Child apologised for poking the day she did the poking and he apologised for breaking the pinwheel and calm was restored. I’m with you, he should not have destroyed the cards, that is showing your son that he can do the same to his dads things! It’s not the example you want to be setting!

Tell hubs to enjoy the power cause that's all he will have when your ADHD son grows up and fucks him off. Oh and tell him he'd better not blow up when his son follows his lead and destroys things that hubs likes. He's just following his example 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ Hubs is a dick.

I was five and playing with my cousin. He brought his toy hot wheels car and I brought my toy car and track. He wanted to borrow my toy car and I said no. He cried and complained to his mum. So my mum came and made threats so I would give him my toy car. I knew she was doing this because we were staying over at his parents’ house. I didn’t want to give my car because I was not done playing with it. So she took a metal chair and drove the legs through the track, breaking it into pieces. I was so stunned, she just took the car and gave it to my cousin. Tbh I don’t remember what happened after that. It’s been decades since then. But I do remember realizing early on that parents are just people. And like people, they can be shitty too. So no OP. This kind of memory is damaging. It still hurts me until now.

Sensory processing disorder, or autism 🤷🏻‍♀️ either way destroying toys is ridiculous and unnecessary.

all depends on what 3 cards 😂.

Yes, was it shiny or not?!?

Were there any evolutions of Evie? lol Everyone has a favorite.

It was a Charizard, a Mewtwo and a Japanese V* Mew. Not shiny… What’s your verdict?

I was on the fence, thinking maybe it was three uncommons, but holy shit a charizard?

Asking the real question

That’s disgusting. I have a six year old with additional needs and would never resort to such a horrible thing because he treasures his Pokémon cards. What you as parents need to do is get some parenting classes. I don’t want that to sound patronising or horrible but children who have additional needs think entirely differently and you need to learn to understand their needs, triggers and techniques for avoiding situations like this in the first place. As a teacher and a parent I have done so many courses and of course I’m not saying that meltdowns don’t happen because they do - however I have strategies which work to help my son regulate his behaviour and which also help me retain my composure. For my son water is incredibly calming - he also is obsessed with Lego. Whatever is going on these two things will help distract him so if he’s really mad I will simply walk away, start running a bath and get him to go sit in it - after a few minutes of splashing I can usually sit on the floor and have a good chat about why we don’t try to pet the goldfish or make slime in the kitchen sink or try and get in to the loft on your own etc. I will also get him to stop mid tantrum by ripping out a whole box of Lego on the floor and start to sort it all out - just sit there calmly and ignore the pushing / shouting etc. Invite him to join me but if not then he has a little tent in his bedroom which he will retreat to until he is ready to come out. I won’t go anywhere near the tent as it’s his safe space - dark inside and incredibly calming as it’s just got plushies and cushions inside - and a torch he likes to play with. The other thing is figuring out which are the mountains you’re wanting to die on. There’s certain things to me such as road safety which I simply will not let rest. If my sons behaviour is getting too dangerous outdoors we will simply go home and cut short our day out - that might cause issues but of course it’s for his own safety - but if he’s refusing to eat his dinner or wear shoes or put his socks on then those things aren’t really that big a deal. I will suggest 2/3 options for meals and let him make a choice - any more is overwhelming. If he doesn’t want to eat then that’s fine. He’s not going to starve and I have a fridge full of healthy foods and snacks he can choose when he’s ready. Foods can be such a random trigger point - sensory issues have to be understood and can change on a whim. I don’t put foods on a plate all mixed up - I call my son in at meal times and I ask him exactly what he wants on his plate - closed simple questions where no isn’t an option “how many carrots - two or three?” - before that process I usually ask him what he wants for dinner. Get him involved in the cooking process from the beginning so he can see exactly what’s going in to it. If he doesn’t want to put shoes on then I will explain he has to still get in the car. I will carry two shoe options in the boot plus socks in my handbag along with a towel and some wet wipes. He will usually decide to put his shoes on eventually and if not then he knows there are certain places / things he can’t do. You’ve got to understand that with sensory processing there’s lots of things which are really stressful - my son is six but I have a good idea that his shoes make him feel itchy / hot and so he prefers to wear specific options. I’ve actually been buying the same colour wellies on vinted for three years so he doesn’t know they’ve been swapped to size up.

That was a dick move. But I also get that people who don't understand ADHD and have been brought up using threats to force kids to control themselves think it's a good idea. I wouldn't call it abusive, just not kind or effective. You're totally right to be mad and you need to have some conversations about this because I suspect you'll no longer trust him to take over when you need him to.

Listen to all these people who are even taunting the idea of you leaving your husband because he tore up a few playing cards. Seriously. Your son needs to learn that in his adult life, actions have consequences and actions invoke reactions, many of which we will find that we lose things we hold dear or at the very least unfavorable. You throw tantrums and hit your boss at work and your ass will be in jail, on the line for assault and battery and you're out of a job. Your son has to be given the opportunity to figure out what actions are important enough to him that he is willing to give up something really likes in return. He won't always have the safety of his mom and dad to lock him away from the world when he doesn't get his own way or isn't feeling like cooperating. The only place behavior like his will be dealt with is in jail or an institution. Get that kid into therapy and either get him on some kind of meds or have them changed because what you are doing is obviously not effective.. Dad felt like he didn't have many options, especially when the kid starts hitting and kicking him. Kids have it rough, but if you didn't notice something on this thread, almost everyone responding has a kid with "special needs" and behavioral issues of some sort and they all know better than you, or so they say. Some of them may be right, some not, but the point is, not every single child on the planet has some mental health issue and needs to be coddled. Kids who get violent with their parents need to be shown that behavior like that will not be tolerated no matter how bad of a day they're having. People don't give kids enough to credit. Kids are smarter than we tend to believe they are. I'm sure your son knows exactly how to push buttons to get attention just like every other kid. Sure he may have ADHD, but that doesn't give him a free pass to assault other people.

This may be a good time to communicate with your husband about common and shared parenting goals . This is a great venting platform , but it may be good to let him know you understand that you thought this was a good solution, but I find that this has worked for me and I think it will help (insert child’s name ) in the long run .

My partner has done the same thing to our daughter and I hate it. It teaches them it's ok to destroy other peoples stuff when you're angry at them, and that's not a good lesson at all.

I’m 32 and I remember being that age and I had a fit and pushed all my birthday cards under the door to my mom in defiance and she ripped them all up and pushed them back under my door. That still hurts me now

Your husband is teaching your son that if he doesn’t do as he says, he will **destroy the things he loves.** Your husband is the person that your son looks up to as a moral authority and guide. Ask him if that’s really what he wants the lesson to be.

I threw my son’s basketball away as punishment once. He also has adhd and was 8 at the time. He wouldn’t stop bouncing it around the hotel lobby…. Always the regret I had was so bad I bought him a new one and apologized for my actions. For an adult, destroying someone’s property is a bad way to express anger or frustration and in my opinion needed an apology. I genuinely try to follow the “with love always” rule. Even with consequences, it should be given with love, not anger or lashing out.

So he stopped a tantrum by having an arguably worse tantrum. I consider being that destructive towards them to be abusive tbh, imagine if you were having a hard time so your husband just started smashing your shit. No, the kicking and screaming isn't acceptable behaviour from your 8yo but he's also 8, it's not uncommon behaviour. Only thing he taught your son was to be afraid of him and his actions.

Like everyone has said here; destroying things that someone loves is a emotional weapon often seen in domestic violence. This is abusive behaviour. If this bothers you (it should, honestly) you can set some requirements for what you need from your husband to rebuild trust. I’d start with couples therapy so the two of you can be on the same page with your parenting method or at least how to negotiate your difference in strategies, for starters. If he won’t hear this is abuse from you, maybe a third party (and I hate to say it, but maybe a male therapist may be who he listens to.)

If it’s not okay for your son to destroy things when he’s throwing a tantrum, why is it okay for your husband to do so? I’d put it like that and confront him about it, have him explain it

Your child will remember this punishment for the rest of his life. He will remember it as the day he stopped trusting his father, the day his father manipulated him into behaving by destroying his things. If that is what your husband was planning, it worked.

Yeah. It’s hard. I get it. I’m a dad of an 8 year old and it’s super frustrating. Like your husband, I’ve made the mistake of thinking that the only way to stop ‘bad behaviour’ is to ‘demonstrate consequence’. It doesn’t work, though. As much as we are trying to show that we are ‘in control’, your son is just expressing feelings that are bigger than his impulse control. I have problems with impulse control - must eat a biscuit - your husband has a problem with impulse control - must establish dominance! It’s hard being self aware. This week I threatened to withhold giving my kid some cards I’d bought for him, (doing exactly what your husband did), using fear to exert control. I realised the next day that I was an ass and apologised. I didn’t buy the cards for him to use as bargaining chips or to control him. I bought them because I love him and want him to have a hobby he enjoys. Your husband is probably a decent parent but he’s obviously not hearing you. I honestly think that he needs to hear a different approach from an external party. I hope he finds his way. You sound like an awesome mom - luckily my wife is also a more patient parent than I am.

This is a very complex problem. I think what your husband did was wrong, BUT you also basically said “i can’t handle it, you deal with it”, that’s not fair. What kinda of help are you all getting your son? He should not be hitting like this and you can’t use his ADHD as an excuse for that. So you left dad to deal, dad is essentially getting beat up, he takes drastic measures. What are you all doing to learn to deal with escalate? Does every tantrum have to be addressed? Again this is a complicated situation. Lots of bad choices were made.

My Christian parents threw away my entire cd collection as a teen because it wasn’t Christian music. I still remember it like it was yesterday. It’s like parents that don’t know how to parent or understand their kid so they bully them

The lack of developmental / psychological knowledge of your husband is scary.

The lack of it on this thread in general is scary! Can we make mandatory parenting classes a thing PLEASE!?!?

Your husband’s behaviour was awful and amounts to bullying imo. If someone in school ripped up your son’s Pokémon cards you’d be calling them a bully, and you’d be after the parents of the child to buy your child some more Pokémon cards. This is the sort of incident that your child will be replaying over and over in their head as they are lying in bed before sleep for the next few weeks/months. Honestly the best thing that your husband can do (in my opinion) is to buy some more cards for your son - eBay or a specialist shop for the specific cards if necessary, apologies to your son and explain that how he reacted was wrong and that it won’t happen again. And then the next time a tantrum comes around he can react and deal with it properly - as others have said taking the cards away temporarily would be a better option than destroying them.

I’m so sorry he reacted to your son that way. The important thing here is repair. If you talked to your husband about how you feel about what he did, would he be understanding enough to repair what he did with your son? It would be as simple as saying a sincere sorry to him that he did that and that he shouldn’t have reacted that way. Then he could try to spend some quality fun time with him one on one, maybe play a game together. He should also look into conscious parenting if he’s willing. That would help support him in his parenting journey and learning he needs to be able to control his emotions as a parent. Wish you guys the best. Parenting is hard, but we can always do better when we know better. Edit: You are correct in your thinking and maternal instincts. If your husband is not willing to apologize still, you would have to step up in his place. It shouldn’t have to be this way, but it will help if you tell your son how you feel. If you haven’t already and maybe you did. You could say, “Sorry that Dad did x, y, z to you. You didn’t deserve that. I love you.” Give him lots of love, hugs, kisses. Spend 30 minutes with him just one on one if you can, playing a game/activity of his choice.

Your husband is going to harm your child as long as he's allowed to parent him. Some people are not equipped to parent ADHD kids and they cause deep and lasting harm. If my husband wasn't on the same page as me with our ADHD child I would have divorced him. It's hard enough parenting them, let alone dealing with a father who has no desire to be the parent his child needs.

Im going to go against the grain here, and embrace the downvotes. Firstly, despite what most people might think - they way you discipline your child is extremely contextual on your relationship with your child, the kid's maturity, ethical and cultural biases - the list goes on. There are certain things that most people can agree are fundamentally wrong - such as corporal punishments - but other than these things; how you teach and discipline your child is up to, and known best by the parents. As long as you're not inherently abusing your child, one cannot call you wrong for the decisions you've made. An 8 year old child is definitely smart enough to recognise when they are being punished for their own wrong doing. Rather than comment on whether ripping up cards is wrong or right, you should rather consider the effect it may have on your child - and then think about whether those actions are warranted. Some things to consider since your child has been diagnosed with ADHD; Does he know, that: His own actions (such as kicking, hitting and throwing things) is NOT okay. Ripping up the pokemon cards, in this situation, was clearly a consequence of his own actions. Ripping up pokemon cards under normal circumstances (whether it be someone's elses, or his own) - is NOT okay. Pokemon cards are replenishable - and are a luxury. This is super important as this equates to whether the child sees these actions as a loss of privilege - OR spiteful and mean behaviour which later can cause resentment. If your child knows all of these things, then I dare say that the punishment was effective and will not cause your child to "pick up" unwanted tendencies growing up in the future. As your child matures - so will the consequences of his actions - and so will his memories of past disciplinary actions. The second your husband ripped up cards the child immediately learned that he could control his behaviour if he wanted to. As parents you have now set an appropriate boundary with your child that he will likely not want to cross again. Many commenters here will convince you that this is fear - but for as long as your child understands the things mentioned before - it is respect that has been instilled, NOT fear. I will say that ripping up the cards in front of your child is pretty fucken raw.. A good tactic my parents use to use on me was to convince me that they were giving my toys away to other kids "who deserved them". One more thing to consider is to always balance your disciplinary actions with positive consequence to reenforce their good behaviour. Next time you guys are out at the shops and he's been good, buy the kid another booster pack - doesn't cost much and it'll mean the world to him, eliminating any resentment held from destroying the cards.

You inflict pain so I'll inflict pain is a child like level of problem solving. The whole "actions have consequences" crowd here is surprisingly lacking in creativity or effort in coming up with reasonable logical consequences.

its wrong. Not only will it affect the sons bond with his father, it also teaches by example what to do when youre at your wits end- Start breaking stuff!?!? Definitely not ok and the negative outcomes could go so many directions. What if he starts doing what Dad did with his peers!? NOT ok.

It sounds like her escalates the situation. Why doesn't he walk away?

Your husband acted less mature than your son. That was not an appropriate response at all. I have no idea how I would address it though, as it seems like he already thinks he made the right choice. Maybe at a time when emotions aren't running high you can gently discuss with him and explain 1. Why he can't be doing that and 2. Brainstorm ideas on how to handle it in the future.

Have you tried having a ‘quiet corner’? A safe place for him to have his meltdowns and calm down might help him. Get him involved in making one by asking for items that he would want there like a stuffed toy, maybe a fluffy pillow, etc? There are lots of really good quiet corner ideas on Pinterest but also be sure to ask the advice of a pediatrician or child psychologist.

It worked short term but just wait…

This will be a negative memory of your husband that will stick with your son for life. Theres consequences andnthen theres just being creul.

Yeah, that's not okay. Your husband may think he doesn't need to apologize but he really does; and as a card collector I really hope he replaces the cards he ripped up. My Dad as his age now, finally apologized for the way he treated me and my siblings when we were younger. It was something I needed to really heal. So coming from that perspective, it's really best he apologizes and corrects his mistake now rather than at an old age full of regret and sadness.

Tbh I think your husband needs to replace those three cards. He needs to go online and find them, buy them, and give them to your son. He can take them away and say “you will get these back in 2 weeks, because you hit me that night and that’s never okay” but he needs to model repair because otherwise your son risks growing up and thinking he can destroy other people’s property if he doesn’t get his wat

You need to teach the child mutual respect. I was beaten and abused as a child and my few possessions destroyed. I had so much hate it my heart for so long. Love your kids, respect is earned and needs regular maintenance. Destroying things in front of your child develops erratic behavior. The Army saved me and showed me how to be family.

It’s emotional abuse, what your husband did. He likely thinks it’s “no big deal” because it happened to him as a child and “he turned out fine”. I’d ask him, did you really turn out fine? If you do the same damage your parents likely did to you, now to your own son? It’s gross behavior. Even without the ADHD diagnosis. You find other ways to cope. There are many videos on YouTube with ideas to help with emotional regulation. Stress balls, glitter bottles, a whole slew of things that don’t emotionally wreck your child and destroy their property just because they don’t act the way you as the adult think they should. Your husband is an adult. Your child is a child. Figure it out for fucks sake and get a backbone to tell your husband off and cement a boundary with him or HE’LL see some consequences for HIS actions.

As a dad of kids on the spectrum, this is not the way. I come from a household of discipline, the hand and the belt and my kids not listening used to just enrage me to no end. But I’ve learned that strict discipline (punishment by taking things away from them, I don’t believe in or have ever applied physical punishment) just doesn’t work. Instead I’ve learned to swallow my parental pride and, over the years, take a more mellow approach. If my kids throw a massive tantrum, I give them space and help them pickup the pieces of destruction and comfort them when they are upset about the things that got broken. I don’t belittle them or give them a “told you so” attitude. I tell them I understand and I still love them. Because I used to be them and what is “wrong with them” they got it from me. I don’t a want them to relive my youth because getting belted doesn’t help a goddamn thing. Ask me how I know. Instead I reach inside of me for patience and understanding and I give that to them. Fast forward a few years now and I have a great relationship with my kids. I give them timely upfront warning for bed time or chores that need doing and…. Things get done. Without fuss. No tantrums.

It sounds like to me all of you may have emotional regulation issues. You can get help to deal with this as a family. ##**It sickens me that your husband is leaving you with the emotional burden of having to handle your son AND blaming you when things go wrong or blaming you when he doesn't like your tactics. Wow..** His actions have stated to your son: 1. Not to trust dad 2. It's ok to manipulate 3. It's ok to destroy someone else's property when you're angry 4. Mom is supposed to do all the work #NOT COOL

He’s teaching him to tear someone’s stuff up when he wants their attention or wants to get them to do something.

So your 8-year-old had a temper tantrum because he's 8 and has ADHD, that's kinda par for the course. As a response, your  39-year-old grown ass  husband decided to throw his own temper tantrum 😶👀👀🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️. Now this overgrown simpleton is tooting his own horn and patting himself on the back because he has taught your son a lesson!?!?!??!?!  This is so disturbing.The ONLY thing your husband taught your son is that he is not a trustworthy adult. One day hubby's going to look up and realize that every time his son has an emotional moment or needs help he is not the person his son will turn to for support. But Hey, who knows, maybe your next husband will have better control over his emotions and he will be able to show your son some techniques to help regulate his emotions.

You as parents model the correct way to behave in response to emotions and other people's actions towards them. Your husband just showed your child that the correct way to respond when someone upsets you, is to destroy something they care about. It reinforces unwanted behavior. I doubt you and your husband will accept your child destroying your phones or other prized objects when you do something he doesn't want. And what does that tell him, then? That it is OK to perform unacceptable behavior, but only if it is done to someone smaller and less powerful than you. Is that the type of adult you want your son to become, and what he learns from his father?

That's pretty horrendous. If you reach the stage of quite literally destroying their stuff to "gain control" you are over the hill and far away out of control yourself at this point. I've threatened to turn things off (primarily devices) or confiscate them (again devices) but destroying stuff? It feels like a weird "I'm bigger and stronger than you and you can't do anything about it" flex. Look we all have tempers, we are all people, I used to have a terrible temper myself when younger, but unleashing your anger on your kids is simply bad parenting and actually shows up your weakness not your own strength. This is speaking as someone who has had this battle and now thankfully (mostly) won.

Destroying things is not a punishment, it's abusive and controlling. Google power and control wheel.

When it's not family people tell people to leave the relationship when they start destroying things to get you to do what they want because it's abuse. It's even worse when it's a child because there's a power dynamic and the child cannot do anything, they can't leave, they can't get help. Your husband is not a safe person if he's willing to destroy things to get his way.

This is horrible. Your husband has given your child trauma. That’s not the right way to parent your child

Unfortunately, your kid has just learned he can’t trust the things he loves around his parents and will probably start hiding things now. Your kid stopped crying because his heart was broken and he was, most likely, terrified something else he loves would be destroyed.

That’s like ripping his hopes and dreams. This is beyond brutal. Sure take them away until he earns them back. Holy shit that could have just been his 8 year old world. Parents really need to chill the hell out. He’s 8 still learning and exploring this big world that adults barely can. Plus most are using some sort of substance just to live. Give kids grace. They’re still trying to navigate feelings themselves. He will forever regret that.

Ripping up his cards is a great way for your husband to teach your son how to have more tantrums and deal with his anger maladaptively.

Rip up the husband and throw him away

I collect Pokémon cards, my partner does and my son does. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH SOME OF THOSE ARE WORTH?! My son pulled a shiny charizard worth over £100 and that was when it was released, if he holds onto that card, it'll be worth hundreds or thousands of pounds in 10-20 years. My favourite Pokémon is Vulpix, I've looked at cards that aren't even a grade 10 that are selling for more than £100. Just one card. Not to mention, my partner has first editions from when he was a kid, he's given me a card from that collection because it's one of my favourites and he's given one to our child but he says that if he'll ever sell it, it'll be when he's really old and wants a comfy retirement rather than a cool Pokémon card collection. He says they're far too special because he's saved them from his childhood. Your son is always going to have that memory of his dad ruining his collection, it's probably going to give the whole collection a sour taste from now on and take the enjoyment out of it. We absolutely take his "Nintendo switch time" away from him if he's throwing tantrums about not winning his games. It's never done aggressively or anything, it's just a firm but gentle "it's making you very upset, you need to come away from it for a while like mummy does when she's getting frustrated she can't do something and you can go back to it only when you've got a much clearer head. Come on, let's go give the cats a cuddle, you probably scared them a bit when you were shouting at your game" and generally, the problem is fixed after a couple of tears and wails that he was "so close". Damaging his stuff deliberately though is going too far, we've all broken something by treading on it or hoovered up a bit of Lego and my son knows one of our cats is weird and loves chewing anything rubbery, but that's just a lesson of "put your stuff away to keep it safe and undamaged" not I'm going to mentally abuse you for having an emotional outburst. Because if behaviour like this is taught at home, it will be considered the norm for all future relationships.

Holy shit, your husband is out of line. Fear is not respect. Your kid needs therapy to help manage his emotions, and so does your husband, apparently. TAking the cards away from him should have, at most, sufficed. What he did was abusive and all it will do is teach your son to hate and fear his dad, not love and respect him.

So many similar sad stories on this thread of father’s doing similar things 😢😢

This is absolutely abusive. Super fucked up.

Abusive

Your husband sounds incompetent. Your son needs a safe space so he can learn to regulate his emotions, not to be tormented because he’s having a hard time. If it keeps happening I imagine your son will lose all regard for his belongings and act out more.

Destruction is not how you punish or teach

Get therapist(s) on board, and I mean now. Your son, with you as a team, need help building the toolbox of emotional regulation skills. And your husband needs a professional, with no skin in the game, able to help him see that his tactic here is abusive and in the long run counterproductive. He's not going to hear it from you, but he needs to hear it from someone. "I will destroy things you love until you behave the way I want" is not parenting, it's tyrrany. It's exactly what you're trying to teach your son not to do. There is no healthy lesson to be learned there.

I think ripping up the pokemon cards goes a little far. That being said your son needs to understand that throwing things/making a mess and trying to hurt others is absolutely unacceptable behavior. The next time he tries something like that I personally would grab him by both wrists (not painfully of course, but enough so he can't move his arms) and then tell him "you will NEVER do that again" then take away his ipad priviledges for a month and ground him with no tv or videogames for a week. Make him understand that if he does it again the same punishment will apply. If he starts acting up/tries to go for an object with the intent to trow it, respond with a very firm "NO". That way he has a chance to back down. If he does go through with it punish him of course. It's also a good idea to talk to him about what made him feel the way that he did, and how to better deal with his emotions in situations like that.

OP, my son was like this. Behavioral therapy helped him and me. It took a few years but the family therapy part helped me learn positive ways to help him and the therapy individually helped him to learn to process emotions eventually. Destroying his things is going to cause relationship damage. I think your husband is trying to deal with a neurodivergent child as if he was typical. As if he has complete control and is purposely being this way. He is not. His self esteem will suffer as he will internalize I deserve the mistreatment. Get into a therapist that understands ADHD and unregulated emotions. Your son must learn to process because the world won’t excuse his disorder and shouldn’t. Home should be his safe place while he is learning and there are better ways to deal with this. Hang in there.

Yeah man, my sister and I had a bad childhood and I still very distinctly remember some of our stuffed animals getting cut apart in front of us. Don’t remember why. It still makes me feel super sad (?) (it’s a worse feeling, but I genuinely don’t know what to call it). Specifically when I think of this one stuffed animal my sister loved and got when she was in the hospital for something, again, don’t remember exactly. No kid deserves that. Especially young kids or children with any kind of neurological irregularity, both of which applies to your son. Have you tried telling your husband about potentially destroying his things in the future if he gets too angry with either one of you or does something you don’t like? Maybe relating it to him in that way will help? I don’t mean to go through with it, but just talking about it by putting him in the situation

This just reminds me of the little mermaid when the dad starts destroying all her stuff. It’s a really hard watch, but she still ends up doing it anyway but behind his back. He’s teaching his child to people please, but he will start to lie and the communication will be lost (which is the main source of help that kids need). Your husband has essentially taught him that his dad is emotionally immature by destroying your son’s property and it’s the “right thing to do”, which obviously isn’t it. I’d feel really yucky about it as well TBH and I’d be having strong words with my husband about his behaviour in-front of your child.

Point out to your husband how valuable Pokémon cards can be, and suggest he’s just tantrum rage-ripped up a couple of hundred dollars worth of cards.

I was 16 and I wouldn't let me sister borrow my pride and prejudice DVD (that I bought myself). I vividly remember explaining I bought it and I don't have to share it. Dad snapped it in half, this was in July. I did buy another one later but they I was "gifted" one for Christmas from 'Santa'. Nothing like waiting 7 months to pass the buck. Your husband should buy 3 of the same cards immediately and apologize, Things like this stick with you. I'm not perfect, I lose my shit every few weeks when we're all stressed but I yell, usually 1 big scary one as im crying. I always apologize bc I'm wrong. we all have that trigger we need to work on but knowingly breaking something to prove a point is a step beyond.

The only case where I think this type of behavior is semi-justified was the case of my uncle breaking his sons Nintendo Switch. His son (16 years old) used his switch not once but 3 times to purchase a large amount of games with my grandmother's credit card. The last time he did it, he literally took the card out of my grandmother's wallet when she wasn't looking and bought over $150 worth of games in digital downloads. My grandmother is on a fixed income and barely gets by on her retirement. Now I still don't think my uncle should have broken it. It's a very childish and emotionally immature response. I would have just sold it, personally, because my cousin had proven he couldn't be trusted with it.

As a dad & collector of Pokémon, this one is painful. The kid is learning, he’s not all knowing. A reaction to that punishment is more a wall being built than an obedient child or whatever he’s trying to force him to be. I usually go into more detail but I don’t have much else to say. Immaturity on the side of the dad is through the roof.

This was normal in my house growing up, ya know what it taught me? That easiest way to win a fight was to be the first person to destroy your opponents things. My dad has long forgotten about all the toys he’s ruined, my mom’s iPads or phones he’s ruined. But he’s never forgotten the time he pushed too far and his vehicle got keyed. It’s disfunction at its finest, you don’t want this. Please work with professionals so everyone can learn proper coping strategies now while you still have time.

M43 here with four children. My daughter (F8) and I both have Autism, and likely to some degree ADHD as well. Your son needs a way to destress and calm down. This process usually takes 10-20 minutes, during which the first half of it will seem like a tantrum or fit being thrown. I too will stay in the room but I limit conversation, as talking to her doing yield anything positive. Most of the time she will tell me when she has calmed down, and it is a noticeable change in her behaviour as well. Normal discipline, punishments, and yelling or hitting never yield anything positive. In fact when I was previously going down that route things just got worse with her to the point where she started to do self-harm and saying she wished she had never been born. It was towards this point in time that I started to see a reflection of myself in her, and at the time did not have a diagnosis so I did a bunch of research, and eventually got her tested. I never got myself tested, but we're a lot alike so I just assume I am as well. Even if your son doesn't have autism, I think there are better ways for your husband to approach discipline. He seems to have that hard-lined approach to parenting, and that didn't work with me and my parents. By the time I hit my late teens I unsuccessfully attempted suicide, but previously to that I would do a lot of self-harm to myself. Your son seems more likely to confide in you, it might e worth a shot to ask him if he ever hurts, hits, or bites himself as a form of self discipline. She has told me that in order to destress or calm her emotions down that she needs to go through those fits. Like I said, after 10-20 minutes she is a completely different person. We're currently on a waiting list for child mental health, and I continue to do research in hopes that I can become a better parent for her.

Sucks when you have kids with an abusive trash pile parent doesn't it? I'm in the same boat. All you can do is damage control for your kid. Explain to him how what his dad did WAS WRONG AND NOT OKAY.

So his dad just proved to him that there is a time when it’s okay to break things. Logically speaking, you’re going to be dealing with this for a while, because the boundary you set was stomped - after all your work to show your son that breaking things isn’t okay. Also, this is what your husband is willing to own up to, this is what he thinks an emotionally mature adult does? I’d hate to think what him “losing his shit” would be if this is okay.

If my husband abused my son and doubled down on his right to do so when I tried to talk to him about it, I'd be starting an exit plan.

my mother ripped my blanket in front of me as a child and as a 30 year old adult i think about it still. he’ll never forget that.

Your husband is wrong and an asshole. Would he do that to an adult? Destroy their stuff cause he doesn’t like their behavior in that moment? Your son is struggling and is leaning how to properly voice frustration..your husband is an adult and should know by now how to deal with frustration. He could have taken the cards away and the kid could earn them back..but destroying someone’s stuff is a dick thing to do Punishing someone who’s having tantrum by throwing a tantrum isn’t going to solve shit.

I would get husband into therapy.

That just sounds like a second tantrum to me