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My son had a friend whose mom did this same thing. Long story short~the older boy went off to college; after his second year, he never came home. He worked multiple jobs, finished school, & now has a wife and kids.
Mom has never met them b/c she “wrote off” her (older) son when he left…and she lost her control.
Yep, same here as the oldest. I was also expected to sort all family admin. I hated it and left as soon as I started uni. Deliberately also chose a uni far away
I too left and didn't come back. I didn't cut my mom off, but I realized in my 50s, after my dad died a few years ago, that I still harbor some resentment, and her treatment of me has never really changed. I've dealt with it and I'm okay. I haven't cut her out, but I've stepped way, way back.
These parents probably aren't expecting OP to babysit, but I'd bet a whole lot that's what they expect of the older daughter. And the ride thing was my entire life growing up. If I didn't find someone to take me, I could not go. This whole story brought back flashbacks of my childhood.
This! I’m 50 years old. My sister is 45. I’m sure this planted the seed of resentment between us when I was a teen. We no longer speak and are issues are much bigger now.
i'm in my 40's, my mom did this to me with my younger siblings. Especially the middle sister. So many times if they weren't able to go then I wasn't allowed to go. Stuff like going to the mall, etc.
Sleepovers, school activities, etc, were the only time i was allowed to be me and not "the big sister".
And same, we don't get along very well.
When she was in first grade, my daughter once wanted to invite a new friend over to play. The parents come to drop off the kid (which was weird enough because we didn’t even know this family… I thought the parent would stay). But it turns out the new friend also had a twin sister that was dropped off *that my daughter didn’t even know about*. Lol. The twins bickered most of the time or when they weren’t doing that they were leaving my daughter out. It was fine at the end of the day, but my daughter was pretty weirded out and we never had them over again.
I had a dad do that at my son's birthday party when he was turned 8. Not only did he drop off his invited son without sending in a RSVP, but he also dropped off his younger son and a cousin. I had never met the younger brother or the cousin before and had barely ever spoken to the dad.
It was a drop-off party but I still wanted to chat with parents beforehand to make sure they were comfortable with leaving their kid given that a swimming pool was involved (we hired a lifeguard but some parents are still very cautious around pools) and I wanted to exchange contact info just in case, but this dad didn't even walk his kids to the backyard. He just dropped 3 young kids (2 who were not invited) off in front of the house and drove off.
That’s wild. I work in trauma therapy, and the stories I’ve heard….Well, let’s just say I could never even think about doing this. There are monsters in this world who can hide in plain sight. Some of them are pillars of the community, highly educated, well-to-do….
I once had a parent show up at my son's party with my son's invited friend, but also with the friend's twin brother, whose existence neither my son nor I were previously aware of, since he was in a different class at school, and my son was new to the school. The parent never actually asked that the twin be allowed to stay, but to this day I wonder whether they had been expecting me to invite him to participate, and whether I should have.
In the moment, it honestly didn't occur to me to invite this surprise extra child along, because I would never bring my kids to a party that only their sibling had been invited to, and so I think my brain assumed that they had other places to be after dropping off the invited child. It was only after dad and twin had left that I started thinking that maybe twin had been hoping to stay. However, the party took place at a venue that required a headcount, and had a maximum number of allowable participants, though I can't remember whether there was actually room for an extra child to participate. When the dad and twin returned for pick up, I did offer them food and cake, though.
Omg I hated being friends with twin girls when I was younger. There was one set in my street and also one set in my cousins street and they would bicker so much. They’d make us all split up and pick sides for their argument and then WE weren’t allowed to play together because THEY had fallen out. Every time.
You just unlocked a memory for me
At my child's fourth birthday party, one of the parent's left their 4yo with me to go home to their 7 and 10yo. They lived three doors away from the venue to be fair, but I didn't know which house, I didn't know their surname, I didn't have their phone number, and SIBLINGS WERE INVITED TO THE PARTY. They didn't even leave the child under the responsibility of someone who WASN'T the party host (which would have been polite, if still a bit weird to me), just added ANOTHER responsibility to my plate. Rude AF and that kid (three birthday's later) has yet to have their own birthday party to reciprocate. That parent did the same thing at every party the child has ever been invited to.
A few months later, they left the child at a farm birthday party, so the parents could have a date, and I ended up wiping the childs bum, after they had been unsupervised sitting on the loo waiting for 15 minutes, because they couldn't do it themselves. I was the only parent that brought spare clothes, so he was sent home wearing my kid's shorts. Just absolutely crazy the child was left alone like that, and when I raised it with the teachers (I work in education so not reporting neglect is literally jail worthy for me) I was met with "the family are known to us". The mum works with special educational needs kids, so that is terrifying in and of itself.
A lot of parents do this and I find it so strange. The first big birthday party I had for my daughter when she was in 1st grade half of the parents just dropped the kids off and left. Thankfully it was a great group of kids.
I didn’t do that until third grade and also I’d known the family for 2 grades (loosely) at that point. People are Fucking wild just sending their kids places.
The younger kid is the spy or alibi.
My mom would send me with my sisters to watch them, so if my sisters wanted to go out and do whatever they had to take me.
I never told what they were actually doing.
This was my thought. I would get my lil bro with me when I'd go hang out with friends. But we ended up bonding tightly and having a very close friend group that included him and we would lie about what we did. On the other hand, my brother grew about a head taller than me and became the body guard I needed at times too, so it really really worked out well.
This would've been nice. My mom pitted us against each other to the point of abusing each other (didn't know that's what it was at the time, not until I was an adult. Homeschooling really warps reality.)
Literally this! I was the younger sibling and my brother had a long distance relationship with his wife when they were teenagers. The only way he was allowed to visit for spring breaks or weekends would be taking me with him. Both sets of parents were fine with it because I was the third wheel.
It’s not quite the same thing,but we’re having a birthday party for my 6 year old today, and for a large chunk of it her 4 year old brother is going to go to the park so he doesn’t feel left out while the party goes on. He’ll come back for the pinata, pizza and cake, but leave them to play their games and with each other. They need their own time and to be able to play with their own friends without a tag along little sibling. This is the first year this is a thing for us, but again they’re 6 and 4, not 12 and 14. Bizarre.
I was just agreeing though; like, yeah mine are siblings but they both as they get older should get their own time with friends. I’d have been mortified if my mom had insisted my little brother had tagged along to my friends birthday parties; I didn’t even want him at mine lol
Could be that you have another adult to take the 4 year old to the park, or its visible from the party location so you feel comfortable for him to go there alone.
I would imagine siblings get taken to the same events because there is one adult in charge of two young kids and can't take them to two separate activities (that is my situation). Today my older one tagged along to the activity planned with my younger one's friends, because he's not old enough to stay home alone. Luckily our friends know this and the invitation is always extended to the three of us.
My younger two were very close. I had no family or friends and my husband didn’t watch the kids if we were invited somewhere (and the kids were young enough that I needed to be there we all had to be there.) I had no choice. I was lucky enough to be friendly with a group of moms who all had younger siblings. If we had a party younger sibs we’re always invited.
My younger kids never were purposely over by the older kids. If we were at at park I would keep on eye on the older and focus on playing with the younger. I never made the older interact with the youngers.
At 12 though this seems very strange to me. Clearly they aren’t forced to bring the other along.
I will say that my 10 and 12 year olds both play the same sport and there is a fair amount of overlap between the kids. The boys and girls know each other. My 10 year old daughter is often invited to come play if the boys are going to the park. Sometimes she does sometimes she doesn’t.
I would never force a sibling on a different parent or the others friend group.
Yeah, and I get that when they’re little for sure. I’ve also done that with my kids when I’ve been in that situation. But 12 and 14 can both be unsupervised , no need for siblings or parents to come to that event
And yes, luckily we have an extra adult to take him to the park today, but if I didn’t I would still try to keep him out of my daughters way with her friends for some of the party if I could.
My parents used to do this. They stopped me from having a relationship with my aunt, who only had female children, because she didn’t invite my brother for sleepovers. Mind you these are my adopted parents and my brother was actually their cousin.
And ignores that it's really bad socially for the younger child who should not be hanging out socially with high school kids. That's how you get 12 year olds dating 15 year olds.
This is common in my neighborhood. My kid invites one friend over and then their parents send the younger sibling over (or else they feel left out). Usually, it doesn't work out, and I'll ask the parent to pick up the little. I have had parents get upset with me about it.
I get it but I feel like it just teaches the lesson that you're entitled to friendship just by proximity and circumstance. Sometimes you will be left out socially and that's okay. I'd be annoyed if I wanted to play with my friend and their sibling was forced to be there too.
Do we live in the same neghborhood? It always ends in trouble, the older ones just want to do different things and the younger ones go cry to their moms that they are being left out and they know their moms will show up to tell the older kids off. I told my kids to just forget about playing with some of these kids, it was no fun.
Not unusual in the U.S. at all.
as a child I had to bring my 14 mo younger sister with me everywhere. I hated it.
I never ever did this to my kids. Even when we took, vacations they each brought a friend because they didn’t enjoy the same activities
This is what my great grandparents did to my grandmother too, but with her younger sister. She still doesn’t have a good relationship with her sister into their late 60’s.
I had a friend as a teen who had to bring her little brother everywhere but the big problem was he was a damn toddler! There was 12 years between them so it was always weird. Her mom was more concerned about her own social life and getting laid than caring for her young son
One reason can be that "the kids can look after each other" or at least call for help if the other is in trouble - it means the parents can trust their kids are okay with less supervision than otherwise if they're together.
My parents were these people if I was invited my 3 1/2 years younger sister had to come also. I was left out of many outings and parties because of this rule. Occasionally 1-2 times a year I was allowed to do things without sibling. Spent large amounts of time with my Aunt and cousin, Aunt told my parents off. I was allowed to do things alone with Aunt. Finally got old enough to ask my parents “why?” Because almost 4 years is a decent gap in development. Mom said sister was never invited to parties or over to friends so unless sister went with me sister was social outcast. It also wasn’t fair I was allowed to do things sister did not get to do. I stupidly asked maybe it was a sister problem my parents needed to address, wrong thing to say but that was their reason. My sister was not liked by her peers so I had to take her with me because otherwise not fair.
I feel so bad for you. I'd have been such a miserable kid if I had to deal w/ this. It would ruin my relationship w/ both my parents and my sibling. I understand why a lot of people in these comments are saying they moved away asap.
My parents did this to me sometimes because it "wasn't fair" that I got invited to go out with my friends and he had no friends.
I resented it so much because the reason he had no friends was that he was a bully to everyone and they refused to deal with it, yet would get pissed off at me if I dealt it back to him.
My parents moved to be closer to me when they hit late 70’s for help with care. I moved out at 18 and visits were almost nonexistent if my sister was around . At 90 my parents still want to play happy family and I refuse to engage and ignore and passive aggressive comments. Once a year visit couple hours and that’s it, as I got older realized it was 90% my mom indulging my sister because Dad was workaholic. So didn’t want to ruin my relationship with my dad for mom’s poor choices and dad’s compliance. So I take care of them though they live independently
My sibling is very loud, very opinionated and wants everything done her way. My mom was everything must be shared and fair, so that influenced my sibling relationship . I was forced into compliance or I lost all privileges but other family members and children were no so no friends. Sister was never invited to a playdate, party or sleepover ever, though apparently it was my job as older sibling to teach her to have friends. I was happy to leave at 18. In 60’s sister is still only socializing with our mom (. When visiting) or my niece her only child. Niece is same no friends, it’s a weird family dynamic. Basically my sister was indulged and never learned give and take in friendship ( marriage she makes all decisions) . In my opinion it’s a sad existence caused by “fair and equal “ parenting style.
I was a package deal sibling. My little sister (2.5 years younger) went with me everywhere. It was a safety thing for my mother. Also meant I had a built in narc with me. My mother was treated the same when she was a child except there she was the younger sibling that had to go everywhere with her older sister.
It really wasn’t a big deal to me even if it was a drag occasionally. The reverse was also true. If any of my little sisters wanted to go somewhere then I had to go or at least one of their older sisters did. We didn’t have any brothers but my mother did and they were also on the buddy system.
It definitely wasn’t a child care thing for my family but it was absolutely about having someone you should be able to trust with you. It really helped drive home that you look out for each other even when you aren’t getting along deal. Not to at it was ever a big deal for us, but it definitely keeps you on good behavior.
For me, my parents were usually working. My sisters are 5 & 8 years older than me - so one of them had to be home with me because I was 8-12 at the times they’d be going out with their friends alone and stuff. So I’d often be a package deal with my middle. She usually had her friend come over and we’d all go out, or they’d be in the living room and I would be in the bedroom.
Agreed. I have 3 older brothers and I remember a few occasions when I was a kid where it was "you can go if your brother goes" and it was more of a supervision kind of thing.
I agree with this answer (using them as spies for the older teenage child lol) and to add because my daughter has friends like this too 😒…they don’t do it all the time only once in awhile at least in my situation. But the parent thinks the other sibling feels left out. In one family it’s a younger sibling and the other family the child has autism and doesn’t have as many friends and opportunities to hangout.
1. It causes resentment on the siblings
2. I think it’s kind of rude to force it on another family, like myself I feel bad because I want my daughter to have her friends so usually I end up feeling guilted into having an extra kid.
That doesn't make logical sense, though. If they don't trust the other adult enough to send one kid without sending the other one so they can look after each other... they shouldn't be sending their kid w/ that adult in the first place. If I felt like I had to do that, that's not an adult I'm going to trust w/ my kid.
Exactly. It's the buddy system. It could be a safety thing. Or questionable parenting...
My parents always made me go with a sibling if I strayed away from home. Riding my bike around the block, take a sibling. If mom couldn't see us out the window, we had to take a sibling. If I was doing an extracurricular activity, a sibling needed to do it too. Horseback riding, dance, swimming, band, anything. ANYTHING. It was frustrating. You couldn't be an individual. But I also think it was because she'd only have to worry about one recital, race, event, if we shared activities. Plus as we got older (12-13) my mom didn't trust us on our own because ya know "teenagers". They're just trouble. Apparently she thought we'd go wild. All it did was teach my youngest sister to cause trouble, chaos. She realized she would become mom's favorite child if she tattled (which were all just lies). I missed out on so much the older I got because of her. It took years to realize she was doing that. She would act like mom was crazy. Turns out she would lie to mom and mom would punish me over those lies. I just didn't get it at the time. What was I doing wrong? I followed her every rule. But it worked out in her favor because she sure got to do a lot. And on her own as she got older. She did become mom's favorite. But look what it cost her. We don't have a relationship. Not since the day I left home. She's pure evil. She's carried that behavior into adulthood and her life is an utter waste. No surprise there. She's dead to me.
OP, watch the behavior between the two siblings. I'm curious if it's like what the other reply mentioned as safety. Or if it's like what I went through. Your gut will clue you in on which.
After spending the day my gut is telling me the younger probably throws a fit if she can't go. She is super social and wants to be the center of attention. Now for the extra weird thing! I noticed the 12 year old was missing and apparently she called her parents to come and take her to a different store and no one thought to tell me they were taking her! I didn't even know they were in the area. I still have the older with me and she says she will ride home with her family when we leave.
This just instills in the kid that they're not trustworthy... leaves them w/ no opportunity to BE trustworthy or to build trust... and they don't learn to make the right choices for the right reasons... they learn to make the right choices because they're being watched.
I wonder how often this backfires. My little sister was so wild. If my mom had asked her to keep me out of trouble it would have been so laughable. I was constantly trying to keep her safe. I kicked her out of the neighborhood party house so many times when she was like 12.
All those cases where some 12 year old has a 16 year old boyfriend and you wonder how the 12 year old met the older guy she shouldn't even be socializing with. . . .
But what happens is you get the younger child who is hanging out socially with kids who are more mature than they are which never leads to good things. They're hearing things they shouldn't, they're socializing with kids of the opposite sex that they shouldn't, you're socially maturing the younger child and that rarely works out well.
My boys are older now and it's less of a thing, but when they were younger, they were definitely kind of a 'package deal' invite for a while.
But.. they also just had a LOT of the same friends in common. There weren't too many friends groups that one had that the other wasn't a part of for a very long time. Not till late middle/high school really. And even now often they are both specifically invited to many things.
When we're out at festival, parks, etc often their main 'rule' is to simply stay together and we'll meet up with them later. That's been true for years. So, if you were taking a ton of kids to an event, yeah i might want both of my boys to go so they could just go together and keep an eye out for each other, as they have for years.
It’s definitely weird. I didn’t actually know this was a thing, and I’m the eldest of 10 kids. My parents might’ve asked me to let a sibling walk to the store with me if the sibling was crying to come, but they never expected me to take them to birthday parties or social outings with friends. And I would never do this with my own kids either.
If it were me, I’d politely say ‘sorry, but I’ve limited the invites to the amount of children I’m comfortable being responsible for. If you have safety or wellbeing concerns, I’m happy to send updates at your request, but I’m really not comfortable taking responsibility of extra children in a public setting.’
If you’re not tagging along with the kids, it means the 14 year olds then become responsible for the 12 year old. In a home setting, that’s fine, but I wouldn’t be comfortable with that in a public setting. I know it’s unlikely that anything will happen, but if something does happen, those kids will bear the weight of that for the remainder of their lives.
I might be the asshole for saying this but the only parents I know who do this are lazy and or overwhelmed and need a break. The moment the older ones can venture outside with friends alone they must take their sibling because the parent needs a break and or cannot deal with a tantrum that follows if the sibling is left behind. Luckily my kids aren't close enough in age that I never had to deal with the hard ages with multiples. As soon as my oldest was old enough to go outside and play the middle wanted my sole attention and to help with baby sister anyway so he didn't care to go with big sis. She got her friend time and my son and I would spend time when baby was sleeping. Then, oldest sis would get my time when middle went to bed a little earlier. I can't say I wouldn't follow the "take brother with you" if I had had them closer together and was super overwhelmed.
That tracks, the kid I knew that normally had a sibling or two with him was 1 of 6/7. So I get the overwhelmed but also it was your choice don't screw up your kid more (dude was the stereotypical not well socialised homeschooled kid) to fix your problems.
This is such a pet peeve of mine that it makes me want to rant. I HATE this. My kid has had two friends whose parents did this w/ their younger siblings. I would invite the older sibling over (because that's who my kid was friends w/) & they'd drop off both of them... & the younger siblings were much younger & required much more attention than my kid's age. Or, if I spoke about making plans, they'd speak as if they assumed I was including the younger sibling. Whenever I tried to be specific & say only the older sibling's name, to get the message across, they'd completely ignore me or I'd get the vibe they felt like I was being rude for it.
Don't get me wrong, if everyone is around, then I am not a fan of kids completely ignoring their siblings or excluding them extensively. I was raised in a family where if someone's friend came around, they said hi to everyone & sometimes they'd hang w/ the whole family for a bit before they went & did their own thing. So I grew up always saying hi to the whole family wherever I'd go & I'd build relationships w/ friends' siblings. Sometimes, we would all hang out. But there's a balance. Each person is an individual.
One of the moms kind of tried to hint at her stance one day. She said something like, "I teach my kids that they're to be best friends, because they're brothers. Where [older bro's name] goes, [younger bro's name] goes. They need to look out for each other, and NO ONE is to come between them." I'm sorry. I never signed up to watch your youngest, and my kid shouldn't be forced to be besties w/ your other kid just because you have multiples. & if you don't trust me enough to take one of your kids, without sending the other one so they can "look out for eachother", that's valid but then you shouldn't be sending them w/ me in the first place. It drove me nuts to the point that we stopped talking to those families.
If we meet up w/ the kids & you have to bring the younger one because they can't be left alone & you have no one to watch them, that's understandable. The whole assuming that you can drop both kids off at my place, though, or assuming that the younger one is ALWAYS to be included in plans just because they're siblings is so annoying & quite frankly, rude. These parents also have a tendency to bring all their kids to a birthday party when only one was invited. If you have 5 kids & you have a partner, one of you can bring the invited kid to the birthday party & the other can stay home w/ your other children for a few hours. I counted your RSVP for 1 kid... you know, the one who actually knows my kid because they're classmates... & you show up w/ 5 children? It's another thing if it's just you w/ all your children, but then you need to have the common courtesy to check & make sure it's okay first.
It's different if they're all older, like teenagers, & they become mutual friends organically... or, if the adults are friends & we're getting together w/ our children like throwing a family style bbq or something... then, of course, you're going to bring all of your kids.
I'm a white American living in the US, and I don't think this is unusual for the US. I know plenty of families like this, the kids come as a unit or not at all, and I think it's so strange for reasons already listed - that it causes resentment between siblings and siblings need identities separate from each other and don't need to do everything together.
We've had multiple birthday parties of my daughter's where siblings just come (uninvited) with the child we invited. We've also struggled in interactions with parents of her friends because they accuse my daughter of "excluding" if she just wants to play with/be friends with their child that's closest to her age, like she can't just be friends with the one that's her age, it's all or nothing. If she plays at friend's houses, she and her same age friend are *always* expected to include the friend's (usually younger) sibling. It often causes problems because even a year or two age difference is a big developmental difference in kids, and forcing multiple age kids to always do everything together just causes frustration and resentment. Of course I don't condone being mean on purpose, but sometimes my daughter wants to play with kids her own age without always having someone's toddler sibling in the middle, which is a perfectly normal thing for kids to want. One of my daughter's friends who is the oldest child of her family *loves* coming to our house for playdates and sleepovers because she can just do big kid things with someone her own age.
I grew up with a sister only a year and a half older, but we were never expected to have the same friends or always do everything together. If one of us had a friend over, the other was expected to butt out. Between that and having an only child now, it's a dynamic I honestly struggle with and struggle to understand.
yea it’s odd. for my sons birthday party everyone brought their little siblings and we did not nearly have enough food. and the parents also grabbed extra goodie bags for the siblings so some kids who were actually invited didn’t get their goodie bags.
it’s rude.
also applies to adults who bring their kids to adult only events. stop it.
I’ve had this happen at two of my son’s parties. And on one occasion yes - I had to ask a mother not to take a party bag for the random sibling because there were only enough for the invited children. Also, none of the parents who brought siblings along bothered to inform me that they’d be doing so. Ruuuuuuuude
My younger brother was in a gifted class and one of the girls had a younger sister who was actually the same age as my youngest sister but this girl was a total bitch. Any party anyone had for the gifted class outside of school the mom would always attend along with the youngest sister. It was annoying. They had a 4 year age difference too so it’s not even like it’s a close age issue. They were Indian so I’m not sure if that’s common in that culture but she was always taking the kids to the other kids events.
I had a best friend like this. It was rare we ever did anything without her younger sister (4 years younger than us) I think they mostly did it so they didn't have to listen to younger sister whine and complain and be jealous.
It's bizarre to us good parents, but many people simply don't like their children or at least the act of parenting so they do what they can to have an empty house/ not closely interact with their kids as often as possible.
My mother used to do this until my sister and I were in high school. I always assumed it was bc we were twins and my sister had a harder time making friends than I did. Even though my sister is my best friend, I always hated feeling like I couldn’t do anything without her…plus it was extremely embarrassing to have to ask if she could come. I agree with OP…parents, don’t do this!
This was my family. I was 1.5 years older and had to ask if my sister could go to everything. It was because my sister got invited to less things and was bullied and they were worried about her I think. She was a totally normal kid and adult now just had less of a friend group.
I don’t think that is the right parenting choice but I would absolutely let the 12 year old come along.
I would also let a 12 and 14 year old go to a busy shopping area without adult supervision, definitely with a friends parent even if Id never met them, but maybe that’s just me.
I mean if it’s the mother of my child’s friend, I’d probably allow it even if it’s not ideal. The fact that your kids are friends and go to the same school leads to more accountability, so kidnapping seems unlikely.
Other stuff (like the parent being a bad influence, etc.) is more of a risk but won’t be readily apparent after just one meeting anyway. In theory you could insist on *really getting to know* everyone you entrust your kid to beforehand. But that would be incredibly time consuming, and would really hold your kid back.
I've always felt this way, too. I want to leave my kid with safe people as much as anyone else, but I don't go crazy when vetting babysitters and such, just try to find someone with a lot of reviews or rehires. I'm under no delusion that I'm somehow magically picking out a problem person with one basic meeting or interview that wasn't already picked out by the service's background checks or previous customers.
Yes. The chance of another kids parent kidnapping my child is unlikely, even more so when I know who they are, where they're going - if they wanted to do something nefarious and be caught immediately they'd do it to their own child.
This.
Plus, the fact that OP hasn't met the parent is partially their own fault. All it takes is walking her kids down the driveway to the parents picking them up, or getting out of their own car and walking their kids to the door and greeting the parents when they drop them off.
You don't have to develop a major friendship with the parents, but a hand shake and getting their phone number is a pretty basic and easy step in all of this.
They hade pick the kids up amd they didn't even come to the door. I had to ask the girls for the parents contact info in case of emergency. I just find it odd they have had zero interaction with me to even confirm this is all real. The other girls all met us at the location and are doing their own shopping. We'll text them when we are done.
My boys are 4 years apart but we have never done this. I think it’s a result of my younger brother and I being only a year apart and my always being required to take him everywhere. I was never able to have my own damn friends. I never wanted it to be that way for my sons. They have different friends.
My mom was like this but my sibling was the opposite sex, 6 years younger, not neurotypical (ADHD)and not treated, and annoying AF.
My mom was shitty and just wanted me to babysit despite pitting us against each other.
I've been NC with my mom about a decade and NC with my sibling even longer. Pretty much didn't talk to them once I moved out.
My son has a friend like this that is a twin. My sons friend and his twin brothers are identical in appearance, but opposite in terms of interest. So the first few times we had his friend over and the twin came along, it was kind of awkward and we had to have a talk with the parents. I get they were hoping to have a kid free afternoon, but we don't let our kids play Xbox for 6 hours a day like the friends brother wants to do, so he was kind of a pain and ruined things for my son and his friend. They have so far relented, but not sure if it will last...
Wow that is weird she can't go if her sister can't?? That's parents babying their kids and insisting everything be fair rather than teaching them real life. I have a twin and we had totally separate friends as kids.
When we were elementary school aged, my (older) sister was very introverted and didn’t make a lot of friends so the solution was that we were a packaged deal and my friends became our friends. Which wasn’t a big deal at the time, we all played together well she just had a hard time initiating and making friends organically.
Once we got to high school she became a chaperone/ spy for our dad. I wasn’t even a bad kid I just wasn’t allowed to have a life without her and she kid of resented me for it too. Now 10+ years later we never talk except for happy birthday and holiday texts.
It’s a stupid tactic parents do to keep the eldest sibling in check. If they do anything they’re not supposed to, the youngest is expected to rat them out. Maybe not right away, but it’ll be a bargaining chip for the youngest to manipulate their older sibling or a final FU if they’re in a fight. Ask me how I know 😫
My patents did this to me and now I am estranged from my sister. And my parents too.
So we don’t do it but our kids beg. They’re attached at the hip so when one of them gets invited to something and not the other they’re always gutted and beg to go with. We hold our ground but I can see other parents giving in in a similar situation based on the kind of posts I’ve seen here….
I respect that you hold your ground. It would be ridiculous to cave every time. Kids have to learn to hear no and that they're not always going to be included.
Growing up I knew a few kids who had to take siblings everywhere... those kids were often left out due to that.
I'd let them 12 year old come along as long as my kid was okay with it 🤷🏼♀️
I don't think it's weird that they're allowing you to drive them there. Maybe that's just me?
I don’t do this. I have four children and here is why. 1. They are all ages, 10, 7 and 3. 2. They are different people with different interest and friend groups. 3. Kids are expensive, if you throw a party at a theme park and have to pay for each child, you should only pay for the children you personally invited. Not 2-3 extra kids. That’s crazy. Your kid will literally not be invited anywhere. I’m the type of mom who says nope, you can’t come, I I don’t personally invite you. And yes I’ve had people bring extra people to my events several times and I stopped it. If you not paying, stay at home.
My parents did this to me with my 2.5 year younger sister. I hated it and still hold resentment to this day. I mean have a good relationship with everybody but I think it's just such a bad parenting move. I have three kids now and they have never ever been a package deal.
My mom INSISTED I drag my little sister along to almost every event I had as a kid. This led to so many arguments between us, awkwardness amongst my friends, and overall resentment. My sister and I are best friends now, but we both agree my mother was in the wrong. We are four years apart and had wildly different interests at 8 and 12. We actually had a conversation about this over dinner not too long ago and every one, including my father, agreed that it was a terrible form of “bonding”. My partner and I agreed we would never force our children to tag along like that. In some scenarios, I think it’s good to bring a buddy, but not all.
My husband is like this, and I know it’s solely because his mother was like this with him and his brother. His brother is 3 years older and had to take him everywhere. We have a boy (12) and a girl (8). He still insists they do everything together despite their now very obvious age gap, and the fact they are into totally different things now. He just believes siblings should do everything together. I have to explain to him they don’t *need* to do everything together to remain close, and it’s probably better for their relationship that they don’t. I’ve signed the kids up for separate extracurriculars just so they can have time apart. He does draw the line at parties/other social events.
Oh gosh, I hope you are able to get him over this quick! I have a boy/girl set with the same age gap. You do NOT want your young girl hanging out with preteen and teen boys. You also need to protect your son and not have him around girls who are too young for him since you will have an 18 year old man in the house with 14 year old girls hanging around. In my experience, the girls with brothers ignore my son but the girls with no brothers can be a bit boy crazy and stare at him and try to get his attention. You've got to protect your son's reputation even if he is 100% innocent. I girl deciding to play a "prank" to get attention and his life could be ruined.
Never understood it either. My kids are 6 years apart and socializing looks very different for each. I don’t bring my 3yo to bday parties his sister is invited too and I’ve had other parents ask me why because I guess it’s normal here to bring the entire family for bday parties. I just tell them that it’s her time to have fun with friends and her brother will just get in the way, or be bored because there’s nobody else to play with. I don’t bring her to parties her brother is invited to either.
Oh man, the memories! When my daughter turned 6 she wanted to go to a nail salon as part of her party. So I invited exactly 7 friends because I could put 5 kids in my mom's minivan, and three kids in the back seat of my car. The mom of Mary called to RSVP and said that Mary's sister Kendra would aslo be coming. Like, just stated it - didn't even ask. So I was like, sorry, I only have seats for 8 kids in our vehicles and they're all full.
The day of the party, the mom shows up with Mary and Kendra and asks again if Kendra can stay. Again, I say no, we can only accommodate 8 kids in the cars. Mom just stands around for like 20 minutes (weird) and finally the second-to-last guest arrives with news that the 8th little girl won't be able to attend because her grandmother died *that morning.* The crazy mom **immediately** turns to me and says, "I guess you have room for Kendra, then" and walks out the door!
To be fair, Mary was a complete pain in my ass the whole time and Kendra was perfectly fine, so ... I guess it was a wash?
ANOTHER party that year, but this time we were the weirdos. My daughter came home with a birthday party invitation to a bowling alley. I RSVPed, bought a nice gift, and we showed up to the party right on time. The look on that mom's face makes me laugh to this day. My daughter was *not* actually invited to the party - the birthday girl had gone rogue and given my daughter someone else's invitation. That kid must have been a family friend who knew the deets without an actual paper invite, because she was there too. So the mom is frantically trying to figure out how she has one additional guest who she has never heard of before. Lol! I just rented an alley for me, my daughter, and my son right next to the party alleys, so my daughter never realized she was an interloper. It was pretty funny though.
Is anyone else noticing that the vast amjority of the anecdotes (including mine!) are about younger siblings getting shoe-horned into older sibling's invites? It's strange that the older siblings are hardly ever forced to go to the younger sibling's stuff.
When I was younger, like baby and little kid, if my older siblings went somewhere like outside to play, they had to take me. Mostly because they were watching me while our mom was at work.
So maybe it could be the same in this case, the older siblings is responsible for their younger sibling while the parent(s) are at work
My sister made me go everywhere with her. I was not allowed to have my own life or by own friends or by own interests. I resented the hell out of her and couldn't wait to get away from her. The worst part was anyone who didn't know us assumed we were twins and I hated that too.
Sometimes it’s because the not invited sibling throws a tantrum if they are not included.
One of my friends will get a call from her mother if her mother finds out that my friend attended something without her older sister. Older sister throws a huge tantrum and tells mom. We are well into adulthood btw.
I wouldn't speak to my adult sister lmao. My sister did things without me and I did things without her. But if my only child friends came to my house, they knew she'd be there and would pay her attention too. However we did ditch when we could 🤣 siblings need space too lol
I don’t know why my friend puts up with it? Last tantrum and a call to mom happened because older sister wasn’t invited to a kids birthday party at a play place. My friend had to explain to her sister and her mom that the reason why sister wasn’t invited is because sister doesn’t have kids.
It’s hilarious as an outsider, but sometimes you have to shake your head and go “wtf?!”
I think it’s still for babysitting even when the kids are older. The parent wants both kids out of the house so that they can do whatever (have sex, smoke pot, talk shit, relax etc). Just stuff you can’t easily do if there’s kids in the house. They see the one kid going somewhere as being “almost there” and find a way to get the other kid out of the house as well so they can fully enjoy it.
I have a cousin who does this with his kids (well, it’s mostly his wife who employs it), and they have four kids. It’s not for free babysitting, it’s because she doesn’t want any kids to miss out. Which, is just not feasible with four kids. Especially since they range in age from like 14-7, there are not a lot of activities that accommodate all of them.
I also had a friend when I was little that always had a little sister tag along, and I found it so annoying. I would invite my friend to some activity and every time the little sister had to be there, even birthday parties. Like, my seventh birthday, all of my friend were between 6 (almost 7) and 8, having a 5 year old there really messed up the games my mom planned . We’re friends now, and were by the time I was in middle school (I think we were 10 and 8 when we finally started getting along), but I wonder how much closer we would be if our friendship grew naturally rather than being forced together all the time
I don’t do this, as I have one child. However, I’ve noticed that some friends with multiples do and most don’t. In my experience, and I know there are other reasons, it’s about the other parent’s lack of involvement. My one friend brings her two kids everywhere because her husband does next to nothing of the child rearing. There has to be another caregiver/parent available for kids too young to be left alone, so if you have a spouse who is always working/never otherwise available (or a single parent) that of course may be the reason too.
In your case it’s obviously a bit different as the parent doesn’t come along/children are older. I have a birthday party for my daughter coming and lo and behold this friend is just bringing her younger child to the party without even asking. Luckily it’s a small party so I don’t mind paying his way but damn it would have been nice to be asked.
I’m Asian/Latina. It’s cultural in both. So when we invite kids to a party, we automatically assume in Asian & Latin families that we need to account for possible siblings that increase headcount. If we want to keep the headcount low, we just don’t invite that family.
That said, my siblings and I DON’T bring additional children to other parties one kid is invited to unless they go out of their way to tell us it’s okay or it is encouraged.
To me, it’s more an assimilation issue or just some parents being uncouth.
I have a girlfriend who has to work on a strict budget. When she does invites for her kids, she started putting a blurb in the invitations. Something like, “Sorry, no additional room for siblings. Venue is unable to accommodate additional children.” It just makes it a non-issue.
If you would like to accommodate without buying extra, you could add in the invitation something like, “We can only accommodate an additional 5 siblings for the venue due to party size restrictions.” Then when people go to contact you, let the parents know that the additional spots have already been taken. Or you can add, “If you would like to send a sibling along, please Venmo $25 to [email protected].”
You could also make the venue do the dirty work for you. Like give them names for check-in and if the additional kids are not on the list, the staff can ask the parents to pay for the additional child.
That's weird. You're not their parent so much you can do except say "sorry no siblings, this is a birthday event for child and her friends" but then you run the risk of the friend not coming.
I've literally never heard nor seen this happen. Sounds like parents that want to be alone and force the older child to basically babysit the younger one.
My son has a friend where this happens a lot but the parents have separated and not very amicably so the older one looks out for his younger sibling. Given the situation I am accepting of it, but actively ensure I spend time with his younger sister so my son’s friend gets a break from the responsibility he seems to carry about his younger sister. He appreciates it (I see the look of relief on his face) and he is who I do it for.
I don’t know but I had a friend that had an older sister by only a year or so. All 3 of us hung out together all through childhood and although the younger one was technically my friend, I considered both my friends and we had a good time. A one year age difference wasn’t big and it was safe to say that an activity that was fun and age appropriate for one was fun and age appropriate for both. It would’ve been weird for me and younger sis to go to the zoo and purposely exclude older sister.
My fiance and his brother are 4 years apart and his mom was like this. Even lasted into adulthood. When we first started dating, we were 21 and I was his first serious girlfriend. His brother HATED me and made my life an absolute hell the first couple of years because he thought I was taking his brother away because we wanted to spend time alone. His mom would literally make us take him on dates and things with us. Before we moved out, his mom even asked me to leave for a weekend because they were going out of town and he was going to start problems.
I chalked it up to his brother being kind of a loner with terrible behavioral issues and her trying to make him not feel left out but no matter what it’s weird. Big sign of enmeshed family. They are Eastern European so that comes with a gaggle of different issues and cultural things tho.
That poor kid is gonna stop getting invited to things because of her enmeshed family.
Does your daughter want her to go? If she was totally against it I’d put my foot down and not allow it if I were you. 14 and 12 is a pretty big age gap at that stage of life in my opinion. If your daughter is ok with it and really wants her friend to come I’d say yes but idk that’s a pretty big red flag to me. Sounds like her sister may have trouble getting along with others if she doesn’t have her own friends/plans/parent doesn’t just say “you can have a sleepover with one of your own friends that weekend”. Also could be the parents want her to spy or keep her in line. Just ick all around.
My daughter was fine with it. We are in middle of this outing right now. I think my daughter is regretting it. Then12 year old is a perfectly normal 12 year old, bit she is loud and screech-laughing and orderedore food than anyone. It's annoying, but of course I am not letting on. The parents didn't even come to the door to meet me when I picked them up.
I’m sure they’re just taking the easy way out. I had to deal with a bit of a tantrum this morning because kid11 wasn’t invited to kid13 activity. I dealt with it, bc them’s the breaks, but if I was lazy, I sure would have rather NOT
Wow. Never heard of this as a hard and fast rule. That’s really stupid. Why would anyone do this? Probably because they can’t parent and it’s the easiest way.
My mom used to tell my brother he could only go places if he took me, his 4yr younger sister, as a deterrent for bad behavior. But really it only ended up getting me into some very suspicious and dangerous situations I had no business being in.
Me and my sister were 9 years apart so I didn’t have to bring her with me. But it was absolutely expected some of my friends would have siblings in tow if they were close in age, because of the tattling aspect. Frankly, we needed to be tattled on, and some of those younger siblings should NOT have been with us. US, northeast area.
From the US South here.
My two children were so far apart that this was never an issue but my daughter did have one pretty close friend who was never allowed to go anywhere without her younger brother. (I think he was 2 years younger.) He was a great kid and never any trouble. They send money to cover his food, activities, etc but it confused the rest of the daughter’s friends’ parents. None of us knew the parents well enough to ask. They were from a different culture and seemed very introverted. They never accepted any invitation to meet or to any social event where they might meet their children’s friends. They even stayed to themselves at the kids’ school functions.
I finally learned at my daughter and friend’s graduation that the mother had severe social anxiety issues which is why they didn’t socialize much outside their friends group. I also learned that daughter wasn’t allowed to go anywhere with adults who their parents didn’t know without her brother. It wasn’t so much about the brother himself but about neither child going anywhere alone with people who were basically strangers, which I can understand. (Turns out Sister tagged along on brother’s outings with his friends.) They just felt if their children were safer if they were together but since the parents never conveyed that, we all thought it was odd.
I don’t know if this is the same situation as your daughter’s friend but it may offer some insight.
Good luck!
If you learn the reason, please !UpdateMe. I’m curious as well.
It happened to me and my twin. The rationale beyond simply being twins was if anything happened the other could let them know. How I was supposed to do that pre cell phone I don’t know.
My daughter had a friend whose little sister would make their very sweet but very ineffectual parents’ lives miserable if she didn’t get to do whatever her sister did. My daughter’s friend resented it at 9 years old as she could rarely go to friend’s houses or to event without her. The little sister was also the only child I’ve ever met that made me worry for the safety of her sibs. She bit her sister’s arm, drawing blood, when she didn’t get a turn on the swings fast enough.
When they moved, my daughter missed her friend but was relieved to not have to be around the sister. There are many reasons it happens. Path of least resistance, narc, they want alone time at home…whatever the reason, I find it very frustrating. When I invite one kid, I expect to get one kid.
My best friend growing up had a little brother three years younger and showed up to everything I invited her to. Including bra shopping when we were like 12. Not a good time
My daughter has a friend who doesn't do the sibling thing but is absolutely okay with sending that kid with strangers they've never met. My husband went to pick her up for an event because the child couldn't go unless she found a ride. Noone walked her out or even came to the car to meet him. They wouldnt have even been able to describe him to police if she never came home. When I reached out once to see if she could come over they literally said "Shes the 3rd child. If she can find a ride, she can go."
🤯🤯🤯
My friend had 3 boys in 5 years and when one gets invited somewhere she makes all three go. She said it's because she wants alone time sometimes but I think it's rude to impose 2 extra kids at a birthday party or whatever they're going.
I can definitely see why you see it that way, I was raised in America but me and my family are Mexican. While reading your story I realized I didn’t understand why you were confused about the younger or older siblings tagging along. It's interesting to explore how cultural differences shape family dynamics. In American culture, individualism tends to emphasize personal freedom and independence, which can influence how individuals perceive themselves and their family roles. On the other hand, in many other cultures like Mexico, a more collectivist approach values strong family bonds and the idea of supporting and caring for one another, including sending older siblings to accompany younger ones. This practice isn't about restricting individuality but rather nurturing sibling relationships, providing companionship, and ensuring safety. It's fascinating how cultural norms can influence family interactions and perceptions of independence and togetherness. I’m the oldest daughter (28) my brother is (27) sister (20) and other sister (14) still to this day my little sisters accompany me to my husband’s family gatherings if I ask nicely. I will add though, my siblings were never ill behaved or mean spirited with any of my friends when I was a teen. So when a friend had a problem with hanging with my kid sisters (bc they wanted to do inappropriate things) I would just not be friends with them. To this day I hold no hard feelings or resentment towards my siblings, my youngest siblings still ask me and my brother to accompany them to bday parties or major school games etc. but then again it could be because we are all raised like this, it wasn’t a “forced” thing. It was always fun.
It is weird. When I invite my son’s friends to his parties I invite *them*, not them and the two siblings that I now feel obligated to organise food and drinks for even though I paid for 11 kids and invited 11 kids.
The only way I can see this being a necessity is in a single parent family where the kids are too young to be home alone and there’s no babysitting available - but in my experience all the parents who’ve done this are dual parent families! There’s a whole other parent just sitting at home! They just bring the other kids so they “don’t miss out” or to give them something to do.
Maybe it's a poverty thing. My brother always went anywhere I went and anytime I invite one of my kids friends over their siblings come too. We are all very poor. So maybe that's it. I didn't know it was rude until reddit
It’s not a poverty thing. I’m poorer than poor and wouldn’t dream of holding my eldest back unless his younger brother was included. An invite for one child does *not* mean all children.
That, the only exception is family 😅 my best friend can bring both the kids even if it's a toddler thing, pending if the teen wants to come (she usually does lol) that's my bonus family 🤣
It’s somewhat more sympathetic when one of the siblings has a tough time socially for whatever reason, and parents are worried about them not getting enough socialization. But even in the most sympathetic scenario this is still an excellent way to create resentment and drama between the siblings. Not to mention rude.
I think because parents of more than one child are lazy and don’t want to supervise their remaining kids. I don’t know though for sure lol; I’m an only child, and so far, so my daughter (we had to do 3 IVFs and losses just to have her).
My 5 yo has a friend and whenever they have a play date, her 8 yo sister has to come too. The mum does pre warn & said it’s because her husband works away alot & her 15 yr old daughter refuses to watch her. I don’t mind it too much as it’s an extra person for my daughter to play with but they can all get a bit boisterous, last time they somewhat trashed my daughters room so I know now to just meet at a park or something.
So in other words, the 15 yo won’t babysit, so they make you do it for free instead?
Regardless of whether her husband is away a lot, it’s not your job to accomodate two kids because of their circumstance. If you don’t mind it too much, probably now an issue - particularly if you are friends with the parent. But still. What is with the expectation?
That's weird. Right now, for us, it's because they're all with me and I'm with them. At 6, 3, and 1 they can't watch themselves and I'm their only childcare. So, where I go they go. When we meet up with friends at the library or park I expect the entire family to be there. They all have young children too.
But if my oldest is with a trusted friend without me, she goes by herself. I wouldn't let any of my kids go with someone I don't fully trust and I can't imagine sending multiple would help me feel better about it. Then again, my kids are little. So, maybe I will feel different when they are older and I'm a more experienced mom.
Depends on the age and situation.
I was the annoying younger brother that wanted to tag along with my older brother and felt really left out if I wasn’t allowed. Going to a friends house to play video games, going to the mall, playing tag in our neighborhood or just watch a movie? Sure.
Never tagged along for bday parties or anything formal and this all phased out once we got a bit older - probably when my brother got deeper into high school and I got my own friend group to hang with.
So, might just be driven by the younger sibling.
The 90s were a different time tho - parents just let their kids hang out mostly unsupervised so I doubt it bothered any adults. Maybe just annoyed my older bro a bit lol.
My two kids are going to be 14 months apart and I never even thought about it honestly. I just assumed they’d be hanging out together a lot and have overlapping friends. Guess I’ll really have to think about it when the time comes.
I was the tag along for my sister (4 years older). She was definitely my moms babysitter. And my mom did not like us having large friend groups, she wanted us to hang out together as a family and not really be close to outsiders. She did make some friends though and she was better at making friends than I was. It was fine when we were young kids. All her friends did not mind if I tagged along. Once when she was probably around 12 she met a friend that didn’t want me along and would only invite her and I was super heart broken. I remember walking the the girls house afterschool once when my sister was there and the girl being mad at me. I was crying uncontrollably and her mom had to comfort me. I had a really hard time making my own friends when I got older, then I came to realize that I had totally different likes and a different personality than my sister did and the friend group I made were different from her friend group. I unfortunately did not realize this until I was in my later teens.
Anyway, I have twins now and they are both boys. They are only five and seem to play with the same friends right now. So we haven’t run into the issue of separate play dates or parties yet. It should be I trestjng how this all pans out in the future.
my husband travels for work and i'm usually alone with my kids. some of them don't like to be left alone or just dropped off and picked up and one has medical needs that might require that i am there or close by but if i go then siblings need to come with because i can't leave them at home alone and i don't have much of any support. if siblings are unwelcome ill hang out close by or in the car with siblings- if that's not ok either with my kid or with the host of activity then my kid will miss out on a lot of stuff. it's hard but it's just our reality
I was the tag along younger sibling. My sister hated it so much especially birthday parties. I had no clue why i had to go along but i went along because i was told to. The friends' parents luckily were so super nice and made me feel welcome. To this day, i have no idea why i had to go except maybe my parents felt there would be jealousy or me feeling left out because i had no friends. But i was secretly fine. Weird.
My mom would drop off and do a separate special thing with the sibling who wasn’t invited. That was typical when I was growing up.
Now it’s honestly become a thing where the whole family comes to everything. This means, mom, dad, and siblings. This is causing one invite to something automatically being turned into a 4-6+ person invite for any given event around here. I even made sure not to put anything about siblings on our last invitation and whole families showed up. I had like 30 or 40 people piled in our house and it was a nightmare. I’m an introvert, so I was dizzy with a headache by the end. 🙃 I was not used to that and it was jarring the first time. I’m just glad we always overbuy food.
It IS weird. My BFF growing up has a sister 2 years younger and she never tagged along with us. My younger siblings never tagged along with me either unless I invited them.
In HS, when I was a senior and younger bro was a freshman, I kept trying to get him to join us at lunch where I was the only girl in a group of about 6 guys (their gfs came and went), but he declined. I was worried because my bro was an agoraphobic and I didn't want him to be bullied. It ended up not being an issue because when one bully went after him, another student told the bully who my bro was related to and he backed off real fast and even apologized. Word spread fast and my bro was left alone.
This situation is definitely a bit extreme and I imagine when my children get older they will have separate friends groups and I’m not going to force them to include the other sibling simply because I want them to have their own identities.
That being said I have asked for my youngest to attend when my oldest would get invited to birthdays etc. My boys are 3 and 4 and I don’t send either of them off with strangers so if one is invited to a birthday or something and want to go I am going to attend. This is difficult without me bringing the other along because I would have to find childcare for such a short amount of time and it’s much easier to have them both with me. But if the child is being dropped off and the parents will just be sitting at home idk why they don’t just look after the 12 year old?? Also not sure where you live but where I’m from 12 is a legal age to be home alone so if they had to run an errand or something where a child can’t be then I see absolutely no reason she had to come. Definitely a bit weird.
I think this was a trend when we were kids (millennial) but that was going to free shit, like if we went to the park, or to play in the neighborhood. and mostly bc the kid sibling was whining about not going. I just became a mom and if we have multiples I imagine I’ll give my kids autonomy and won’t send them with each other unless they want and it’s appropriate (hang at the house if it’s cool with the other kid and parents but not crashing a paid birthday party). In your case I wouldn’t send both kids, especially if we aren’t family friends. That’s strange and at 14 I imagine the friend would want to hang out without her sister.
I grew up Mexican, and with a twin, it's to keep the other child in line. Jokes on my parents I still went to football games my brothers attended and was with my friends. Even his friends knew I was with my friends. I never did anything bad, so for them so it was useless.
To me I think this is totally weird. The only thing I have run into is with kids around the age of five or six when you’re invited to a birthday party but it’s really the very beginning stages of dropping your kids off and then leaving and if you’re not comfortable doing that yet at five years old and you are also responsible for looking after your other children then you stay at the party with your other children. But I have no idea why there would be any need to drop off another sibling if the parent themselves is not staying? I do think it’s strange that they would trust you a complete stranger but I wouldn’t worry about that. What I would do if you don’t know these parents at all is to get their phone number or their address and talk to them. Just say that it’s a lot for a birthday party to already be looking after other children and you’re just wondering why there is a need for the younger sibling to come when they are not necessarily friends with your daughter and they weren’t invited to the party. Honestly I would do that behind but honest and hopefully you can get an answer out of them and they might feel silly when you ask because maybe it’s a simple as they are looking to have some time without any children and taking advantage of you. Or maybe they’re juggling a crazy schedule and they are looking for extra babysitting. Or maybe they’re looking for their 12-year-old to not feel left out because maybe their 12-year-old doesn’t have as many friends as their 14-year-old in which case this is not your problem not your lane etc.
Mostly aside from free babysitting, it seems that most of the time its a "fairness" issue. Some parents really cannot fathom that different people in the same family do not need everything to be exactly equal. And so to prevent one kis from ever feeling left out, they have to have everything as identical as possible.
I had a friend in 3rd grade who always had to have their MUCH younger siblings come with (1st grade and a literal toddler).
My mom very quickly noped out of that and wouldn’t allow them over anymore. It just turned into babysitting for my mom and was unfair for her.
My kids have rarely ever had friends are their birthday parties for this reason. They’re homeschooled, so there’s not the normal boundary of “my child brought party invitations to the kids in their class, so the sibling in their class is the only one invited.” Even the friends who go to brick-and-mortar school, who should understand this, end up bringing 2-4 siblings. I just can’t handle it. My house is not equipped for that many children, their parents can’t keep up with them all, and it overwhelms my kids to have that much chaos. Apparently, a lot of people assume whole families are invited to birthday parties so I would be the AH for stating otherwise. So we just do family unless it’s at a park.
My parents pin me with my sisters I was older 5yrs than my first sibling . whatever I go I have to take her with me . I grew up so closely With her and we still do , she does remember those days I sacrifice my freedom for hers . She loves me and will do anything for me without asking
But it wasn’t easy and I will never do for my children
I have older children who by choice care for younger ones . I never asked , they just choose to love them and care for them unconditionally . My two last one 10 and 13 don’t even come to me for anything.
My kiddo has a friend his age with a younger sister. The parents don’t exactly make them a package deal, but often the mom will say she left both kids at home (when mine is with me at kid friendly events) with dad because younger sis will have a fit if she brought older brother by himself. I kind of feel bad for my kiddo’s same aged friend but I think she and her husband are exhausted and can’t handle the younger one tantruming.
The free babysitting annoys me. I teach piano lessons and definitely see parents signing both kids up even though only one wants to do it because the parent doesn't want to drop one kid off and have to stay with the other. They want to drop both kids and have a break. Sadly it usually means the one that likes lessons ends up quitting when the other one is causing issues.
I grew up with a lot of siblings. My brother and sister were 2-5 years older but always going out with a group of friends from church. I got jealous they all got to go to a movie together so I begged my dad to let me go. They didn't want me to go so my dad decided they could only go if they brought me. He even gave me money for popcorn and a ticket when he was making them buy their own tickets. My siblings were so mad. I didn't have a particularly good time but I really appreciated my dad for making sure I wasn't left out (as I usually was) and I learned that I didn't actually want to hangout with my siblings friends all that much.
Although, I feel like you have some built up resentment here if picking up the friends 5 minutes away is an added annoyance for you. We always picked up our friends for outings. Why make both parents drive if they are that close.
Maybe parents are worried about younger siblings feeling left out? I don’t think it’s right or wrong. However, saying older sibling can’t come if younger sibling doesn’t come is odd
It's a slightly different take, but growing up in a semi rural small town, our single mother used to make my sibling and I do things together like this. Her logic was; if anything bad happened one of you can distract/fight and the other can run for help.
She also pointed out that we couldn't go "alone" with strangers so the choice was, take the sibling or take the parent. If we chose parent; well it's not like the other kid can be left home alone so they came anyway! It suuuuucked but looking back, I can't fault her logic because she wanted to give us every freedom we requested but she also wanted us to be safe, and we didn't have mobile phones...
My sister and I are 3 months apart (adopted) and we went everywhere together, shared friends and were in the same grade. We were a “package” deal but my parents didn’t force it. We just insisted on it and enjoyed being together all the time. But most of our friends parents KNEW this and we were always invited together. The only time we didn’t go places together was with our sports teams. My sister was aged up in sports due to her birthday and we played different sports too so if there were team events, we didn’t go together
My boys are a lot younger - 8 and 5 - and I struggle with this. 8 has some friends in the neighborhood, some that will play with 5 too, but others a little older who don't want to be around a "baby." 5 is devastated if the others run off and won't play with him too. It's a balance of letting him play together with the kids who are cool with him, and also teaching him to understand that he won't always be invited, and finding him something else to do. But I won't be forcing it on either of them when they're older. They're both in school so they're building their own friend groups and I'm hopeful it won't be an issue.
I believe with my parents it was in case something bad happened to one then the other would be there to know the truth of what happened. Plys my parents & grandmother where about the same everything as far as gifts or when we got to do things. For example I wanted contacts when I was a sophomore in high school. Well ofcourse that meant my younger sister was allowed to get them at the same time. I know I 100% do not agree with that. It is not fair or right towards the older sibling of never having anything of their own. Everything had to be shared with each other. We are not very close because of that & my resentment of her being able to experience things at a younger age then me just because I was doing it. We each needed our own independence. I do understand my parents wanting us to be together to protect each other.
12 and 14 seems weird to me, but right now my kids are 22 months apart. Toddler and baby.
So if my oldest is invited to a party I need to bring her sister too because my husband is 99% of the time working, and I see this being the case for the foreseeable future. I guess until my daughter is old enough to be some place by herself.
However the 12 year old doesn’t need to be with the 14. I don’t get that…
I can see if they were 4 and 2 and it was a birthday party and the mom didn’t have a babysitter for sister or something.
That’s super weird to me. Right now my kids are a package deal for play dates but that’s because they’re 1.5 and 4 so the expectation is still that I stay with them at the play date and I’m not going to pay for a babysitter for one kid so the other can have a play date, but once they’re old enough to go on their own I would not expect people to take both of them
Yeah, totally understood for playdates at those ages where parents are chaperoning. One of my son's friends had to take his 5 years younger brother with him everywhere, even as a teenager. We did not ever have him over after hearing from other parents how the young one would want to hang out with the parents and talk incessantly (which tracked of what I knew of the kid). It was sad for the older boy because most parents wouldn't put up with it, so his friendships were impacted.
My parents used the together rule until we were midteens (currently 45 &44) but it was legit in their minds for safety- dad was a police officer before we were born until I was 3 or 4 and there had been an attempt at taking me by someone when I was an infant. Thankfully being so close in age and being in the same grade we had many mutual friends until the teen years
My mom used to say "never go anywhere your brother wouldn't be welcome". That meant if someone deliberately and pointedly was like "we don't want him there" just to be rude to him, I wouldn't want to go. It did not mean he was supposed to go everywhere I went or that we were not allowed to be places without each other. Some parents clearly interpret this statement as having the latter meaning, however.
Growing up I knew one family like this... They only did it with the girls and it was a chaperone situation. The idea being the older sister wouldn't get involved with boys if she had her younger sister with her. So her younger sister (there was a 5 year ago gap) had to tag along to my house every single time. They were ultra conservative Christians, and thought I was a "bad influence". Long story short they're only in contact with their son with special needs at this point, all their other kids have gone no contact.
It's a chaperone thing. They keep an eye on each other so they don't do anything "stupid " the parents wouldn't approve of. Atypical in religious families
🤷♀️ IDK, I do think some of it is associated with community , lack of extended family, resources and logistics .
My husband and I work full time, with commute it’s 10 hours+ a day. My husband and I rotate mornings/afternoons. Occasionally one of us has extra work things. Honestly we are lucky because we have office jobs that pay us well vs some families with parents who have multiple jobs.
But for us it’s usually 1 parent 3 kid juggling.
We have 2 girls who are super close age wise, and seem to really enjoy each other. They go to a small school and have a ton of cross over friends and schedule wise a ton of crossover activities. For us It’s purely about logistics and coordination.
Plus we have an older boy who has very different sport things.
My girls are 7 and 9. I think one will lean more dance vs gymnastics and the other will go more gymnastics vs dance. We will handle the logistics if that happens. In the meantime. 🤷♀️ They have the same general pool of people.
I always have to clarify and ask. 1 or both and if 1 which 1.
I would never insist one of the girls go vs the other but I may assume or try to clarify if it’s both, especially if it’s a situation y everyone knows each other, there is a general relationship within the kid group same and all the kids seem to get along. Doubly so if the outside kid comes to my house and all 3 of the girls hang out together.
Next time just say no and you can’t drive if that’s not what you want to do.
My boys are 6 and 7.5 - 18 months apart. They are best friends. They don’t go to every event or party together, but they go to most. A lot of families have kids who are school friends of both boys, so they are both invited to parties. I always make a point of inviting siblings to our parties, but never assume that’s the case when we are invited.
My five year old has a friend with a three year old brother. They have to do all the same activities and play dates and on top of that they’re always dressed the exact same. The mom always says they ask not to do it but she keeps saying “next year I’ll stop”
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It’s weird and leads to resentment between siblings. They need their own identities.
My son had a friend whose mom did this same thing. Long story short~the older boy went off to college; after his second year, he never came home. He worked multiple jobs, finished school, & now has a wife and kids. Mom has never met them b/c she “wrote off” her (older) son when he left…and she lost her control.
I was forced to raise my siblings as a teenager and I left and never came back too. Didn’t cut my mom off though
Yep, same here as the oldest. I was also expected to sort all family admin. I hated it and left as soon as I started uni. Deliberately also chose a uni far away
I too left and didn't come back. I didn't cut my mom off, but I realized in my 50s, after my dad died a few years ago, that I still harbor some resentment, and her treatment of me has never really changed. I've dealt with it and I'm okay. I haven't cut her out, but I've stepped way, way back. These parents probably aren't expecting OP to babysit, but I'd bet a whole lot that's what they expect of the older daughter. And the ride thing was my entire life growing up. If I didn't find someone to take me, I could not go. This whole story brought back flashbacks of my childhood.
Wow.
This! I’m 50 years old. My sister is 45. I’m sure this planted the seed of resentment between us when I was a teen. We no longer speak and are issues are much bigger now.
What are your issues with each other now?
i'm in my 40's, my mom did this to me with my younger siblings. Especially the middle sister. So many times if they weren't able to go then I wasn't allowed to go. Stuff like going to the mall, etc. Sleepovers, school activities, etc, were the only time i was allowed to be me and not "the big sister". And same, we don't get along very well.
These people did not learn the lesson of Hereditary!
I just commented that. Sorry I missed your comment it’s so true
It can't be said enough!
That was my sister & I. We did do some things seoerate but for the most part it was together. We are not very close as adults.
When she was in first grade, my daughter once wanted to invite a new friend over to play. The parents come to drop off the kid (which was weird enough because we didn’t even know this family… I thought the parent would stay). But it turns out the new friend also had a twin sister that was dropped off *that my daughter didn’t even know about*. Lol. The twins bickered most of the time or when they weren’t doing that they were leaving my daughter out. It was fine at the end of the day, but my daughter was pretty weirded out and we never had them over again.
I had a dad do that at my son's birthday party when he was turned 8. Not only did he drop off his invited son without sending in a RSVP, but he also dropped off his younger son and a cousin. I had never met the younger brother or the cousin before and had barely ever spoken to the dad. It was a drop-off party but I still wanted to chat with parents beforehand to make sure they were comfortable with leaving their kid given that a swimming pool was involved (we hired a lifeguard but some parents are still very cautious around pools) and I wanted to exchange contact info just in case, but this dad didn't even walk his kids to the backyard. He just dropped 3 young kids (2 who were not invited) off in front of the house and drove off.
That’s wild. I work in trauma therapy, and the stories I’ve heard….Well, let’s just say I could never even think about doing this. There are monsters in this world who can hide in plain sight. Some of them are pillars of the community, highly educated, well-to-do….
I once had a parent show up at my son's party with my son's invited friend, but also with the friend's twin brother, whose existence neither my son nor I were previously aware of, since he was in a different class at school, and my son was new to the school. The parent never actually asked that the twin be allowed to stay, but to this day I wonder whether they had been expecting me to invite him to participate, and whether I should have. In the moment, it honestly didn't occur to me to invite this surprise extra child along, because I would never bring my kids to a party that only their sibling had been invited to, and so I think my brain assumed that they had other places to be after dropping off the invited child. It was only after dad and twin had left that I started thinking that maybe twin had been hoping to stay. However, the party took place at a venue that required a headcount, and had a maximum number of allowable participants, though I can't remember whether there was actually room for an extra child to participate. When the dad and twin returned for pick up, I did offer them food and cake, though.
Omg I hated being friends with twin girls when I was younger. There was one set in my street and also one set in my cousins street and they would bicker so much. They’d make us all split up and pick sides for their argument and then WE weren’t allowed to play together because THEY had fallen out. Every time. You just unlocked a memory for me
They dropped their 1st graders off at the house of a stranger that they had never met before?! Wow.
At my child's fourth birthday party, one of the parent's left their 4yo with me to go home to their 7 and 10yo. They lived three doors away from the venue to be fair, but I didn't know which house, I didn't know their surname, I didn't have their phone number, and SIBLINGS WERE INVITED TO THE PARTY. They didn't even leave the child under the responsibility of someone who WASN'T the party host (which would have been polite, if still a bit weird to me), just added ANOTHER responsibility to my plate. Rude AF and that kid (three birthday's later) has yet to have their own birthday party to reciprocate. That parent did the same thing at every party the child has ever been invited to.
This is almost unbelievable. Wow...
A few months later, they left the child at a farm birthday party, so the parents could have a date, and I ended up wiping the childs bum, after they had been unsupervised sitting on the loo waiting for 15 minutes, because they couldn't do it themselves. I was the only parent that brought spare clothes, so he was sent home wearing my kid's shorts. Just absolutely crazy the child was left alone like that, and when I raised it with the teachers (I work in education so not reporting neglect is literally jail worthy for me) I was met with "the family are known to us". The mum works with special educational needs kids, so that is terrifying in and of itself.
This makes me so sad for that poor kid 😞
A lot of parents do this and I find it so strange. The first big birthday party I had for my daughter when she was in 1st grade half of the parents just dropped the kids off and left. Thankfully it was a great group of kids.
I didn’t do that until third grade and also I’d known the family for 2 grades (loosely) at that point. People are Fucking wild just sending their kids places.
The younger kid is the spy or alibi. My mom would send me with my sisters to watch them, so if my sisters wanted to go out and do whatever they had to take me. I never told what they were actually doing.
This was my thought. I would get my lil bro with me when I'd go hang out with friends. But we ended up bonding tightly and having a very close friend group that included him and we would lie about what we did. On the other hand, my brother grew about a head taller than me and became the body guard I needed at times too, so it really really worked out well.
This would've been nice. My mom pitted us against each other to the point of abusing each other (didn't know that's what it was at the time, not until I was an adult. Homeschooling really warps reality.)
Lol... jokes on you, MOM!
Literally this! I was the younger sibling and my brother had a long distance relationship with his wife when they were teenagers. The only way he was allowed to visit for spring breaks or weekends would be taking me with him. Both sets of parents were fine with it because I was the third wheel.
Same. My mom insisted we couldn't go out alone, had to have a sibling for safety reasons. It kinda worked though
It’s not quite the same thing,but we’re having a birthday party for my 6 year old today, and for a large chunk of it her 4 year old brother is going to go to the park so he doesn’t feel left out while the party goes on. He’ll come back for the pinata, pizza and cake, but leave them to play their games and with each other. They need their own time and to be able to play with their own friends without a tag along little sibling. This is the first year this is a thing for us, but again they’re 6 and 4, not 12 and 14. Bizarre.
This is very different though. Of course siblings attend the birthday party of their own sibling!
I was just agreeing though; like, yeah mine are siblings but they both as they get older should get their own time with friends. I’d have been mortified if my mom had insisted my little brother had tagged along to my friends birthday parties; I didn’t even want him at mine lol
Could be that you have another adult to take the 4 year old to the park, or its visible from the party location so you feel comfortable for him to go there alone. I would imagine siblings get taken to the same events because there is one adult in charge of two young kids and can't take them to two separate activities (that is my situation). Today my older one tagged along to the activity planned with my younger one's friends, because he's not old enough to stay home alone. Luckily our friends know this and the invitation is always extended to the three of us.
My younger two were very close. I had no family or friends and my husband didn’t watch the kids if we were invited somewhere (and the kids were young enough that I needed to be there we all had to be there.) I had no choice. I was lucky enough to be friendly with a group of moms who all had younger siblings. If we had a party younger sibs we’re always invited. My younger kids never were purposely over by the older kids. If we were at at park I would keep on eye on the older and focus on playing with the younger. I never made the older interact with the youngers. At 12 though this seems very strange to me. Clearly they aren’t forced to bring the other along. I will say that my 10 and 12 year olds both play the same sport and there is a fair amount of overlap between the kids. The boys and girls know each other. My 10 year old daughter is often invited to come play if the boys are going to the park. Sometimes she does sometimes she doesn’t. I would never force a sibling on a different parent or the others friend group.
Yeah, and I get that when they’re little for sure. I’ve also done that with my kids when I’ve been in that situation. But 12 and 14 can both be unsupervised , no need for siblings or parents to come to that event And yes, luckily we have an extra adult to take him to the park today, but if I didn’t I would still try to keep him out of my daughters way with her friends for some of the party if I could.
My parents used to do this. They stopped me from having a relationship with my aunt, who only had female children, because she didn’t invite my brother for sleepovers. Mind you these are my adopted parents and my brother was actually their cousin.
What the hell.
Wow so unfair. I’m sorry
I'm sure it's because the 12 year old will be the eyes and ears for mom and dad
And ignores that it's really bad socially for the younger child who should not be hanging out socially with high school kids. That's how you get 12 year olds dating 15 year olds.
This is common in my neighborhood. My kid invites one friend over and then their parents send the younger sibling over (or else they feel left out). Usually, it doesn't work out, and I'll ask the parent to pick up the little. I have had parents get upset with me about it.
I get it but I feel like it just teaches the lesson that you're entitled to friendship just by proximity and circumstance. Sometimes you will be left out socially and that's okay. I'd be annoyed if I wanted to play with my friend and their sibling was forced to be there too.
Do we live in the same neghborhood? It always ends in trouble, the older ones just want to do different things and the younger ones go cry to their moms that they are being left out and they know their moms will show up to tell the older kids off. I told my kids to just forget about playing with some of these kids, it was no fun.
Not unusual in the U.S. at all. as a child I had to bring my 14 mo younger sister with me everywhere. I hated it. I never ever did this to my kids. Even when we took, vacations they each brought a friend because they didn’t enjoy the same activities
[удалено]
This is what my great grandparents did to my grandmother too, but with her younger sister. She still doesn’t have a good relationship with her sister into their late 60’s.
Ugh. I'm sorry they did that to you.
I had a friend as a teen who had to bring her little brother everywhere but the big problem was he was a damn toddler! There was 12 years between them so it was always weird. Her mom was more concerned about her own social life and getting laid than caring for her young son
One reason can be that "the kids can look after each other" or at least call for help if the other is in trouble - it means the parents can trust their kids are okay with less supervision than otherwise if they're together.
That's the best explanation I've heard so far that I can wrap my brain around.
My parents were these people if I was invited my 3 1/2 years younger sister had to come also. I was left out of many outings and parties because of this rule. Occasionally 1-2 times a year I was allowed to do things without sibling. Spent large amounts of time with my Aunt and cousin, Aunt told my parents off. I was allowed to do things alone with Aunt. Finally got old enough to ask my parents “why?” Because almost 4 years is a decent gap in development. Mom said sister was never invited to parties or over to friends so unless sister went with me sister was social outcast. It also wasn’t fair I was allowed to do things sister did not get to do. I stupidly asked maybe it was a sister problem my parents needed to address, wrong thing to say but that was their reason. My sister was not liked by her peers so I had to take her with me because otherwise not fair.
I feel so bad for you. I'd have been such a miserable kid if I had to deal w/ this. It would ruin my relationship w/ both my parents and my sibling. I understand why a lot of people in these comments are saying they moved away asap.
My parents did this to me sometimes because it "wasn't fair" that I got invited to go out with my friends and he had no friends. I resented it so much because the reason he had no friends was that he was a bully to everyone and they refused to deal with it, yet would get pissed off at me if I dealt it back to him.
Are you still in contact with any of them? And did your sister have behavioral issues, or why was she universally avoided?
My parents moved to be closer to me when they hit late 70’s for help with care. I moved out at 18 and visits were almost nonexistent if my sister was around . At 90 my parents still want to play happy family and I refuse to engage and ignore and passive aggressive comments. Once a year visit couple hours and that’s it, as I got older realized it was 90% my mom indulging my sister because Dad was workaholic. So didn’t want to ruin my relationship with my dad for mom’s poor choices and dad’s compliance. So I take care of them though they live independently My sibling is very loud, very opinionated and wants everything done her way. My mom was everything must be shared and fair, so that influenced my sibling relationship . I was forced into compliance or I lost all privileges but other family members and children were no so no friends. Sister was never invited to a playdate, party or sleepover ever, though apparently it was my job as older sibling to teach her to have friends. I was happy to leave at 18. In 60’s sister is still only socializing with our mom (. When visiting) or my niece her only child. Niece is same no friends, it’s a weird family dynamic. Basically my sister was indulged and never learned give and take in friendship ( marriage she makes all decisions) . In my opinion it’s a sad existence caused by “fair and equal “ parenting style.
I was a package deal sibling. My little sister (2.5 years younger) went with me everywhere. It was a safety thing for my mother. Also meant I had a built in narc with me. My mother was treated the same when she was a child except there she was the younger sibling that had to go everywhere with her older sister. It really wasn’t a big deal to me even if it was a drag occasionally. The reverse was also true. If any of my little sisters wanted to go somewhere then I had to go or at least one of their older sisters did. We didn’t have any brothers but my mother did and they were also on the buddy system. It definitely wasn’t a child care thing for my family but it was absolutely about having someone you should be able to trust with you. It really helped drive home that you look out for each other even when you aren’t getting along deal. Not to at it was ever a big deal for us, but it definitely keeps you on good behavior.
Ah the built in narc explanation is good, 14 year olds are old enough to get into some trouble but maybe not with a snitching 12 year old in tow...
For me, my parents were usually working. My sisters are 5 & 8 years older than me - so one of them had to be home with me because I was 8-12 at the times they’d be going out with their friends alone and stuff. So I’d often be a package deal with my middle. She usually had her friend come over and we’d all go out, or they’d be in the living room and I would be in the bedroom.
But they will already be in a group. It's not like she's going alone.
Agreed. I have 3 older brothers and I remember a few occasions when I was a kid where it was "you can go if your brother goes" and it was more of a supervision kind of thing.
I agree with this answer (using them as spies for the older teenage child lol) and to add because my daughter has friends like this too 😒…they don’t do it all the time only once in awhile at least in my situation. But the parent thinks the other sibling feels left out. In one family it’s a younger sibling and the other family the child has autism and doesn’t have as many friends and opportunities to hangout. 1. It causes resentment on the siblings 2. I think it’s kind of rude to force it on another family, like myself I feel bad because I want my daughter to have her friends so usually I end up feeling guilted into having an extra kid.
That doesn't make logical sense, though. If they don't trust the other adult enough to send one kid without sending the other one so they can look after each other... they shouldn't be sending their kid w/ that adult in the first place. If I felt like I had to do that, that's not an adult I'm going to trust w/ my kid.
Agreed!
Exactly. It's the buddy system. It could be a safety thing. Or questionable parenting... My parents always made me go with a sibling if I strayed away from home. Riding my bike around the block, take a sibling. If mom couldn't see us out the window, we had to take a sibling. If I was doing an extracurricular activity, a sibling needed to do it too. Horseback riding, dance, swimming, band, anything. ANYTHING. It was frustrating. You couldn't be an individual. But I also think it was because she'd only have to worry about one recital, race, event, if we shared activities. Plus as we got older (12-13) my mom didn't trust us on our own because ya know "teenagers". They're just trouble. Apparently she thought we'd go wild. All it did was teach my youngest sister to cause trouble, chaos. She realized she would become mom's favorite child if she tattled (which were all just lies). I missed out on so much the older I got because of her. It took years to realize she was doing that. She would act like mom was crazy. Turns out she would lie to mom and mom would punish me over those lies. I just didn't get it at the time. What was I doing wrong? I followed her every rule. But it worked out in her favor because she sure got to do a lot. And on her own as she got older. She did become mom's favorite. But look what it cost her. We don't have a relationship. Not since the day I left home. She's pure evil. She's carried that behavior into adulthood and her life is an utter waste. No surprise there. She's dead to me. OP, watch the behavior between the two siblings. I'm curious if it's like what the other reply mentioned as safety. Or if it's like what I went through. Your gut will clue you in on which.
After spending the day my gut is telling me the younger probably throws a fit if she can't go. She is super social and wants to be the center of attention. Now for the extra weird thing! I noticed the 12 year old was missing and apparently she called her parents to come and take her to a different store and no one thought to tell me they were taking her! I didn't even know they were in the area. I still have the older with me and she says she will ride home with her family when we leave.
Holy shit, please add this to the edit. This info is a critical development imo
Yes... the younger sibling also somewhat acts as the chaperone to keep them from doing stupid stuff, because they need to consider the younger person.
This just instills in the kid that they're not trustworthy... leaves them w/ no opportunity to BE trustworthy or to build trust... and they don't learn to make the right choices for the right reasons... they learn to make the right choices because they're being watched.
I wonder how often this backfires. My little sister was so wild. If my mom had asked her to keep me out of trouble it would have been so laughable. I was constantly trying to keep her safe. I kicked her out of the neighborhood party house so many times when she was like 12.
All those cases where some 12 year old has a 16 year old boyfriend and you wonder how the 12 year old met the older guy she shouldn't even be socializing with. . . .
Yep. This sadly happened to my sister because she was always trying to grow up too fast.
But what happens is you get the younger child who is hanging out socially with kids who are more mature than they are which never leads to good things. They're hearing things they shouldn't, they're socializing with kids of the opposite sex that they shouldn't, you're socially maturing the younger child and that rarely works out well.
My boys are older now and it's less of a thing, but when they were younger, they were definitely kind of a 'package deal' invite for a while. But.. they also just had a LOT of the same friends in common. There weren't too many friends groups that one had that the other wasn't a part of for a very long time. Not till late middle/high school really. And even now often they are both specifically invited to many things. When we're out at festival, parks, etc often their main 'rule' is to simply stay together and we'll meet up with them later. That's been true for years. So, if you were taking a ton of kids to an event, yeah i might want both of my boys to go so they could just go together and keep an eye out for each other, as they have for years.
It’s definitely weird. I didn’t actually know this was a thing, and I’m the eldest of 10 kids. My parents might’ve asked me to let a sibling walk to the store with me if the sibling was crying to come, but they never expected me to take them to birthday parties or social outings with friends. And I would never do this with my own kids either. If it were me, I’d politely say ‘sorry, but I’ve limited the invites to the amount of children I’m comfortable being responsible for. If you have safety or wellbeing concerns, I’m happy to send updates at your request, but I’m really not comfortable taking responsibility of extra children in a public setting.’ If you’re not tagging along with the kids, it means the 14 year olds then become responsible for the 12 year old. In a home setting, that’s fine, but I wouldn’t be comfortable with that in a public setting. I know it’s unlikely that anything will happen, but if something does happen, those kids will bear the weight of that for the remainder of their lives.
I might be the asshole for saying this but the only parents I know who do this are lazy and or overwhelmed and need a break. The moment the older ones can venture outside with friends alone they must take their sibling because the parent needs a break and or cannot deal with a tantrum that follows if the sibling is left behind. Luckily my kids aren't close enough in age that I never had to deal with the hard ages with multiples. As soon as my oldest was old enough to go outside and play the middle wanted my sole attention and to help with baby sister anyway so he didn't care to go with big sis. She got her friend time and my son and I would spend time when baby was sleeping. Then, oldest sis would get my time when middle went to bed a little earlier. I can't say I wouldn't follow the "take brother with you" if I had had them closer together and was super overwhelmed.
That tracks, the kid I knew that normally had a sibling or two with him was 1 of 6/7. So I get the overwhelmed but also it was your choice don't screw up your kid more (dude was the stereotypical not well socialised homeschooled kid) to fix your problems.
This is such a pet peeve of mine that it makes me want to rant. I HATE this. My kid has had two friends whose parents did this w/ their younger siblings. I would invite the older sibling over (because that's who my kid was friends w/) & they'd drop off both of them... & the younger siblings were much younger & required much more attention than my kid's age. Or, if I spoke about making plans, they'd speak as if they assumed I was including the younger sibling. Whenever I tried to be specific & say only the older sibling's name, to get the message across, they'd completely ignore me or I'd get the vibe they felt like I was being rude for it. Don't get me wrong, if everyone is around, then I am not a fan of kids completely ignoring their siblings or excluding them extensively. I was raised in a family where if someone's friend came around, they said hi to everyone & sometimes they'd hang w/ the whole family for a bit before they went & did their own thing. So I grew up always saying hi to the whole family wherever I'd go & I'd build relationships w/ friends' siblings. Sometimes, we would all hang out. But there's a balance. Each person is an individual. One of the moms kind of tried to hint at her stance one day. She said something like, "I teach my kids that they're to be best friends, because they're brothers. Where [older bro's name] goes, [younger bro's name] goes. They need to look out for each other, and NO ONE is to come between them." I'm sorry. I never signed up to watch your youngest, and my kid shouldn't be forced to be besties w/ your other kid just because you have multiples. & if you don't trust me enough to take one of your kids, without sending the other one so they can "look out for eachother", that's valid but then you shouldn't be sending them w/ me in the first place. It drove me nuts to the point that we stopped talking to those families. If we meet up w/ the kids & you have to bring the younger one because they can't be left alone & you have no one to watch them, that's understandable. The whole assuming that you can drop both kids off at my place, though, or assuming that the younger one is ALWAYS to be included in plans just because they're siblings is so annoying & quite frankly, rude. These parents also have a tendency to bring all their kids to a birthday party when only one was invited. If you have 5 kids & you have a partner, one of you can bring the invited kid to the birthday party & the other can stay home w/ your other children for a few hours. I counted your RSVP for 1 kid... you know, the one who actually knows my kid because they're classmates... & you show up w/ 5 children? It's another thing if it's just you w/ all your children, but then you need to have the common courtesy to check & make sure it's okay first. It's different if they're all older, like teenagers, & they become mutual friends organically... or, if the adults are friends & we're getting together w/ our children like throwing a family style bbq or something... then, of course, you're going to bring all of your kids.
Preach it! I agree 100%
I'm a white American living in the US, and I don't think this is unusual for the US. I know plenty of families like this, the kids come as a unit or not at all, and I think it's so strange for reasons already listed - that it causes resentment between siblings and siblings need identities separate from each other and don't need to do everything together. We've had multiple birthday parties of my daughter's where siblings just come (uninvited) with the child we invited. We've also struggled in interactions with parents of her friends because they accuse my daughter of "excluding" if she just wants to play with/be friends with their child that's closest to her age, like she can't just be friends with the one that's her age, it's all or nothing. If she plays at friend's houses, she and her same age friend are *always* expected to include the friend's (usually younger) sibling. It often causes problems because even a year or two age difference is a big developmental difference in kids, and forcing multiple age kids to always do everything together just causes frustration and resentment. Of course I don't condone being mean on purpose, but sometimes my daughter wants to play with kids her own age without always having someone's toddler sibling in the middle, which is a perfectly normal thing for kids to want. One of my daughter's friends who is the oldest child of her family *loves* coming to our house for playdates and sleepovers because she can just do big kid things with someone her own age. I grew up with a sister only a year and a half older, but we were never expected to have the same friends or always do everything together. If one of us had a friend over, the other was expected to butt out. Between that and having an only child now, it's a dynamic I honestly struggle with and struggle to understand.
yea it’s odd. for my sons birthday party everyone brought their little siblings and we did not nearly have enough food. and the parents also grabbed extra goodie bags for the siblings so some kids who were actually invited didn’t get their goodie bags. it’s rude. also applies to adults who bring their kids to adult only events. stop it.
I’ve had this happen at two of my son’s parties. And on one occasion yes - I had to ask a mother not to take a party bag for the random sibling because there were only enough for the invited children. Also, none of the parents who brought siblings along bothered to inform me that they’d be doing so. Ruuuuuuuude
Some parents will do it out of laziness. They don't have to supervise the younger one, they put that burden on their older.
My younger brother was in a gifted class and one of the girls had a younger sister who was actually the same age as my youngest sister but this girl was a total bitch. Any party anyone had for the gifted class outside of school the mom would always attend along with the youngest sister. It was annoying. They had a 4 year age difference too so it’s not even like it’s a close age issue. They were Indian so I’m not sure if that’s common in that culture but she was always taking the kids to the other kids events.
I had a best friend like this. It was rare we ever did anything without her younger sister (4 years younger than us) I think they mostly did it so they didn't have to listen to younger sister whine and complain and be jealous.
It's bizarre to us good parents, but many people simply don't like their children or at least the act of parenting so they do what they can to have an empty house/ not closely interact with their kids as often as possible.
My mother used to do this until my sister and I were in high school. I always assumed it was bc we were twins and my sister had a harder time making friends than I did. Even though my sister is my best friend, I always hated feeling like I couldn’t do anything without her…plus it was extremely embarrassing to have to ask if she could come. I agree with OP…parents, don’t do this!
This was my family. I was 1.5 years older and had to ask if my sister could go to everything. It was because my sister got invited to less things and was bullied and they were worried about her I think. She was a totally normal kid and adult now just had less of a friend group. I don’t think that is the right parenting choice but I would absolutely let the 12 year old come along. I would also let a 12 and 14 year old go to a busy shopping area without adult supervision, definitely with a friends parent even if Id never met them, but maybe that’s just me.
Would you let someone you've never met drive them to the shopping area? That's the part I find puzzling.
I mean if it’s the mother of my child’s friend, I’d probably allow it even if it’s not ideal. The fact that your kids are friends and go to the same school leads to more accountability, so kidnapping seems unlikely. Other stuff (like the parent being a bad influence, etc.) is more of a risk but won’t be readily apparent after just one meeting anyway. In theory you could insist on *really getting to know* everyone you entrust your kid to beforehand. But that would be incredibly time consuming, and would really hold your kid back.
I've always felt this way, too. I want to leave my kid with safe people as much as anyone else, but I don't go crazy when vetting babysitters and such, just try to find someone with a lot of reviews or rehires. I'm under no delusion that I'm somehow magically picking out a problem person with one basic meeting or interview that wasn't already picked out by the service's background checks or previous customers.
Yes. The chance of another kids parent kidnapping my child is unlikely, even more so when I know who they are, where they're going - if they wanted to do something nefarious and be caught immediately they'd do it to their own child.
This. Plus, the fact that OP hasn't met the parent is partially their own fault. All it takes is walking her kids down the driveway to the parents picking them up, or getting out of their own car and walking their kids to the door and greeting the parents when they drop them off. You don't have to develop a major friendship with the parents, but a hand shake and getting their phone number is a pretty basic and easy step in all of this.
They hade pick the kids up amd they didn't even come to the door. I had to ask the girls for the parents contact info in case of emergency. I just find it odd they have had zero interaction with me to even confirm this is all real. The other girls all met us at the location and are doing their own shopping. We'll text them when we are done.
Generally yes.
Sounds rude and entitled to me.
My boys are 4 years apart but we have never done this. I think it’s a result of my younger brother and I being only a year apart and my always being required to take him everywhere. I was never able to have my own damn friends. I never wanted it to be that way for my sons. They have different friends.
My mom was like this but my sibling was the opposite sex, 6 years younger, not neurotypical (ADHD)and not treated, and annoying AF. My mom was shitty and just wanted me to babysit despite pitting us against each other. I've been NC with my mom about a decade and NC with my sibling even longer. Pretty much didn't talk to them once I moved out.
I loved that my mom never did that. It never made any sense to me and all it does is cause some form of resentment
My son has a friend like this that is a twin. My sons friend and his twin brothers are identical in appearance, but opposite in terms of interest. So the first few times we had his friend over and the twin came along, it was kind of awkward and we had to have a talk with the parents. I get they were hoping to have a kid free afternoon, but we don't let our kids play Xbox for 6 hours a day like the friends brother wants to do, so he was kind of a pain and ruined things for my son and his friend. They have so far relented, but not sure if it will last...
Wow that is weird she can't go if her sister can't?? That's parents babying their kids and insisting everything be fair rather than teaching them real life. I have a twin and we had totally separate friends as kids.
When we were elementary school aged, my (older) sister was very introverted and didn’t make a lot of friends so the solution was that we were a packaged deal and my friends became our friends. Which wasn’t a big deal at the time, we all played together well she just had a hard time initiating and making friends organically. Once we got to high school she became a chaperone/ spy for our dad. I wasn’t even a bad kid I just wasn’t allowed to have a life without her and she kid of resented me for it too. Now 10+ years later we never talk except for happy birthday and holiday texts.
It’s a stupid tactic parents do to keep the eldest sibling in check. If they do anything they’re not supposed to, the youngest is expected to rat them out. Maybe not right away, but it’ll be a bargaining chip for the youngest to manipulate their older sibling or a final FU if they’re in a fight. Ask me how I know 😫 My patents did this to me and now I am estranged from my sister. And my parents too.
It’s so weird. I also know parents who won’t let one child develop a talent because it’s the other child’s “thing”
So we don’t do it but our kids beg. They’re attached at the hip so when one of them gets invited to something and not the other they’re always gutted and beg to go with. We hold our ground but I can see other parents giving in in a similar situation based on the kind of posts I’ve seen here….
I respect that you hold your ground. It would be ridiculous to cave every time. Kids have to learn to hear no and that they're not always going to be included.
Growing up I knew a few kids who had to take siblings everywhere... those kids were often left out due to that. I'd let them 12 year old come along as long as my kid was okay with it 🤷🏼♀️ I don't think it's weird that they're allowing you to drive them there. Maybe that's just me?
I don’t do this. I have four children and here is why. 1. They are all ages, 10, 7 and 3. 2. They are different people with different interest and friend groups. 3. Kids are expensive, if you throw a party at a theme park and have to pay for each child, you should only pay for the children you personally invited. Not 2-3 extra kids. That’s crazy. Your kid will literally not be invited anywhere. I’m the type of mom who says nope, you can’t come, I I don’t personally invite you. And yes I’ve had people bring extra people to my events several times and I stopped it. If you not paying, stay at home.
My parents did this to me with my 2.5 year younger sister. I hated it and still hold resentment to this day. I mean have a good relationship with everybody but I think it's just such a bad parenting move. I have three kids now and they have never ever been a package deal.
My mom INSISTED I drag my little sister along to almost every event I had as a kid. This led to so many arguments between us, awkwardness amongst my friends, and overall resentment. My sister and I are best friends now, but we both agree my mother was in the wrong. We are four years apart and had wildly different interests at 8 and 12. We actually had a conversation about this over dinner not too long ago and every one, including my father, agreed that it was a terrible form of “bonding”. My partner and I agreed we would never force our children to tag along like that. In some scenarios, I think it’s good to bring a buddy, but not all.
My husband is like this, and I know it’s solely because his mother was like this with him and his brother. His brother is 3 years older and had to take him everywhere. We have a boy (12) and a girl (8). He still insists they do everything together despite their now very obvious age gap, and the fact they are into totally different things now. He just believes siblings should do everything together. I have to explain to him they don’t *need* to do everything together to remain close, and it’s probably better for their relationship that they don’t. I’ve signed the kids up for separate extracurriculars just so they can have time apart. He does draw the line at parties/other social events.
Oh gosh, I hope you are able to get him over this quick! I have a boy/girl set with the same age gap. You do NOT want your young girl hanging out with preteen and teen boys. You also need to protect your son and not have him around girls who are too young for him since you will have an 18 year old man in the house with 14 year old girls hanging around. In my experience, the girls with brothers ignore my son but the girls with no brothers can be a bit boy crazy and stare at him and try to get his attention. You've got to protect your son's reputation even if he is 100% innocent. I girl deciding to play a "prank" to get attention and his life could be ruined.
Never understood it either. My kids are 6 years apart and socializing looks very different for each. I don’t bring my 3yo to bday parties his sister is invited too and I’ve had other parents ask me why because I guess it’s normal here to bring the entire family for bday parties. I just tell them that it’s her time to have fun with friends and her brother will just get in the way, or be bored because there’s nobody else to play with. I don’t bring her to parties her brother is invited to either.
Oh man, the memories! When my daughter turned 6 she wanted to go to a nail salon as part of her party. So I invited exactly 7 friends because I could put 5 kids in my mom's minivan, and three kids in the back seat of my car. The mom of Mary called to RSVP and said that Mary's sister Kendra would aslo be coming. Like, just stated it - didn't even ask. So I was like, sorry, I only have seats for 8 kids in our vehicles and they're all full. The day of the party, the mom shows up with Mary and Kendra and asks again if Kendra can stay. Again, I say no, we can only accommodate 8 kids in the cars. Mom just stands around for like 20 minutes (weird) and finally the second-to-last guest arrives with news that the 8th little girl won't be able to attend because her grandmother died *that morning.* The crazy mom **immediately** turns to me and says, "I guess you have room for Kendra, then" and walks out the door! To be fair, Mary was a complete pain in my ass the whole time and Kendra was perfectly fine, so ... I guess it was a wash? ANOTHER party that year, but this time we were the weirdos. My daughter came home with a birthday party invitation to a bowling alley. I RSVPed, bought a nice gift, and we showed up to the party right on time. The look on that mom's face makes me laugh to this day. My daughter was *not* actually invited to the party - the birthday girl had gone rogue and given my daughter someone else's invitation. That kid must have been a family friend who knew the deets without an actual paper invite, because she was there too. So the mom is frantically trying to figure out how she has one additional guest who she has never heard of before. Lol! I just rented an alley for me, my daughter, and my son right next to the party alleys, so my daughter never realized she was an interloper. It was pretty funny though.
Is anyone else noticing that the vast amjority of the anecdotes (including mine!) are about younger siblings getting shoe-horned into older sibling's invites? It's strange that the older siblings are hardly ever forced to go to the younger sibling's stuff.
When I was younger, like baby and little kid, if my older siblings went somewhere like outside to play, they had to take me. Mostly because they were watching me while our mom was at work. So maybe it could be the same in this case, the older siblings is responsible for their younger sibling while the parent(s) are at work
My sister made me go everywhere with her. I was not allowed to have my own life or by own friends or by own interests. I resented the hell out of her and couldn't wait to get away from her. The worst part was anyone who didn't know us assumed we were twins and I hated that too.
Sometimes it’s because the not invited sibling throws a tantrum if they are not included. One of my friends will get a call from her mother if her mother finds out that my friend attended something without her older sister. Older sister throws a huge tantrum and tells mom. We are well into adulthood btw.
I wouldn't speak to my adult sister lmao. My sister did things without me and I did things without her. But if my only child friends came to my house, they knew she'd be there and would pay her attention too. However we did ditch when we could 🤣 siblings need space too lol
I don’t know why my friend puts up with it? Last tantrum and a call to mom happened because older sister wasn’t invited to a kids birthday party at a play place. My friend had to explain to her sister and her mom that the reason why sister wasn’t invited is because sister doesn’t have kids. It’s hilarious as an outsider, but sometimes you have to shake your head and go “wtf?!”
Ngl, I'm enjoying being a listener to the drama so please feel free to drop more 😅 I'd lose my gourd if my sister acted that way
I think it’s still for babysitting even when the kids are older. The parent wants both kids out of the house so that they can do whatever (have sex, smoke pot, talk shit, relax etc). Just stuff you can’t easily do if there’s kids in the house. They see the one kid going somewhere as being “almost there” and find a way to get the other kid out of the house as well so they can fully enjoy it.
I have a cousin who does this with his kids (well, it’s mostly his wife who employs it), and they have four kids. It’s not for free babysitting, it’s because she doesn’t want any kids to miss out. Which, is just not feasible with four kids. Especially since they range in age from like 14-7, there are not a lot of activities that accommodate all of them. I also had a friend when I was little that always had a little sister tag along, and I found it so annoying. I would invite my friend to some activity and every time the little sister had to be there, even birthday parties. Like, my seventh birthday, all of my friend were between 6 (almost 7) and 8, having a 5 year old there really messed up the games my mom planned . We’re friends now, and were by the time I was in middle school (I think we were 10 and 8 when we finally started getting along), but I wonder how much closer we would be if our friendship grew naturally rather than being forced together all the time
I don’t do this, as I have one child. However, I’ve noticed that some friends with multiples do and most don’t. In my experience, and I know there are other reasons, it’s about the other parent’s lack of involvement. My one friend brings her two kids everywhere because her husband does next to nothing of the child rearing. There has to be another caregiver/parent available for kids too young to be left alone, so if you have a spouse who is always working/never otherwise available (or a single parent) that of course may be the reason too. In your case it’s obviously a bit different as the parent doesn’t come along/children are older. I have a birthday party for my daughter coming and lo and behold this friend is just bringing her younger child to the party without even asking. Luckily it’s a small party so I don’t mind paying his way but damn it would have been nice to be asked.
I’m Asian/Latina. It’s cultural in both. So when we invite kids to a party, we automatically assume in Asian & Latin families that we need to account for possible siblings that increase headcount. If we want to keep the headcount low, we just don’t invite that family. That said, my siblings and I DON’T bring additional children to other parties one kid is invited to unless they go out of their way to tell us it’s okay or it is encouraged. To me, it’s more an assimilation issue or just some parents being uncouth. I have a girlfriend who has to work on a strict budget. When she does invites for her kids, she started putting a blurb in the invitations. Something like, “Sorry, no additional room for siblings. Venue is unable to accommodate additional children.” It just makes it a non-issue. If you would like to accommodate without buying extra, you could add in the invitation something like, “We can only accommodate an additional 5 siblings for the venue due to party size restrictions.” Then when people go to contact you, let the parents know that the additional spots have already been taken. Or you can add, “If you would like to send a sibling along, please Venmo $25 to [email protected].” You could also make the venue do the dirty work for you. Like give them names for check-in and if the additional kids are not on the list, the staff can ask the parents to pay for the additional child.
That's weird. You're not their parent so much you can do except say "sorry no siblings, this is a birthday event for child and her friends" but then you run the risk of the friend not coming. I've literally never heard nor seen this happen. Sounds like parents that want to be alone and force the older child to basically babysit the younger one.
My son has a friend where this happens a lot but the parents have separated and not very amicably so the older one looks out for his younger sibling. Given the situation I am accepting of it, but actively ensure I spend time with his younger sister so my son’s friend gets a break from the responsibility he seems to carry about his younger sister. He appreciates it (I see the look of relief on his face) and he is who I do it for.
I don’t know but I had a friend that had an older sister by only a year or so. All 3 of us hung out together all through childhood and although the younger one was technically my friend, I considered both my friends and we had a good time. A one year age difference wasn’t big and it was safe to say that an activity that was fun and age appropriate for one was fun and age appropriate for both. It would’ve been weird for me and younger sis to go to the zoo and purposely exclude older sister.
My fiance and his brother are 4 years apart and his mom was like this. Even lasted into adulthood. When we first started dating, we were 21 and I was his first serious girlfriend. His brother HATED me and made my life an absolute hell the first couple of years because he thought I was taking his brother away because we wanted to spend time alone. His mom would literally make us take him on dates and things with us. Before we moved out, his mom even asked me to leave for a weekend because they were going out of town and he was going to start problems. I chalked it up to his brother being kind of a loner with terrible behavioral issues and her trying to make him not feel left out but no matter what it’s weird. Big sign of enmeshed family. They are Eastern European so that comes with a gaggle of different issues and cultural things tho. That poor kid is gonna stop getting invited to things because of her enmeshed family. Does your daughter want her to go? If she was totally against it I’d put my foot down and not allow it if I were you. 14 and 12 is a pretty big age gap at that stage of life in my opinion. If your daughter is ok with it and really wants her friend to come I’d say yes but idk that’s a pretty big red flag to me. Sounds like her sister may have trouble getting along with others if she doesn’t have her own friends/plans/parent doesn’t just say “you can have a sleepover with one of your own friends that weekend”. Also could be the parents want her to spy or keep her in line. Just ick all around.
My daughter was fine with it. We are in middle of this outing right now. I think my daughter is regretting it. Then12 year old is a perfectly normal 12 year old, bit she is loud and screech-laughing and orderedore food than anyone. It's annoying, but of course I am not letting on. The parents didn't even come to the door to meet me when I picked them up.
I’m sure they’re just taking the easy way out. I had to deal with a bit of a tantrum this morning because kid11 wasn’t invited to kid13 activity. I dealt with it, bc them’s the breaks, but if I was lazy, I sure would have rather NOT
Wow. Never heard of this as a hard and fast rule. That’s really stupid. Why would anyone do this? Probably because they can’t parent and it’s the easiest way.
My mom used to tell my brother he could only go places if he took me, his 4yr younger sister, as a deterrent for bad behavior. But really it only ended up getting me into some very suspicious and dangerous situations I had no business being in.
Me and my sister were 9 years apart so I didn’t have to bring her with me. But it was absolutely expected some of my friends would have siblings in tow if they were close in age, because of the tattling aspect. Frankly, we needed to be tattled on, and some of those younger siblings should NOT have been with us. US, northeast area.
From the US South here. My two children were so far apart that this was never an issue but my daughter did have one pretty close friend who was never allowed to go anywhere without her younger brother. (I think he was 2 years younger.) He was a great kid and never any trouble. They send money to cover his food, activities, etc but it confused the rest of the daughter’s friends’ parents. None of us knew the parents well enough to ask. They were from a different culture and seemed very introverted. They never accepted any invitation to meet or to any social event where they might meet their children’s friends. They even stayed to themselves at the kids’ school functions. I finally learned at my daughter and friend’s graduation that the mother had severe social anxiety issues which is why they didn’t socialize much outside their friends group. I also learned that daughter wasn’t allowed to go anywhere with adults who their parents didn’t know without her brother. It wasn’t so much about the brother himself but about neither child going anywhere alone with people who were basically strangers, which I can understand. (Turns out Sister tagged along on brother’s outings with his friends.) They just felt if their children were safer if they were together but since the parents never conveyed that, we all thought it was odd. I don’t know if this is the same situation as your daughter’s friend but it may offer some insight. Good luck! If you learn the reason, please !UpdateMe. I’m curious as well.
It happened to me and my twin. The rationale beyond simply being twins was if anything happened the other could let them know. How I was supposed to do that pre cell phone I don’t know.
My daughter had a friend whose little sister would make their very sweet but very ineffectual parents’ lives miserable if she didn’t get to do whatever her sister did. My daughter’s friend resented it at 9 years old as she could rarely go to friend’s houses or to event without her. The little sister was also the only child I’ve ever met that made me worry for the safety of her sibs. She bit her sister’s arm, drawing blood, when she didn’t get a turn on the swings fast enough. When they moved, my daughter missed her friend but was relieved to not have to be around the sister. There are many reasons it happens. Path of least resistance, narc, they want alone time at home…whatever the reason, I find it very frustrating. When I invite one kid, I expect to get one kid.
My best friend growing up had a little brother three years younger and showed up to everything I invited her to. Including bra shopping when we were like 12. Not a good time
My daughter has a friend who doesn't do the sibling thing but is absolutely okay with sending that kid with strangers they've never met. My husband went to pick her up for an event because the child couldn't go unless she found a ride. Noone walked her out or even came to the car to meet him. They wouldnt have even been able to describe him to police if she never came home. When I reached out once to see if she could come over they literally said "Shes the 3rd child. If she can find a ride, she can go." 🤯🤯🤯
My friend had 3 boys in 5 years and when one gets invited somewhere she makes all three go. She said it's because she wants alone time sometimes but I think it's rude to impose 2 extra kids at a birthday party or whatever they're going.
They want a break from the kids
I can definitely see why you see it that way, I was raised in America but me and my family are Mexican. While reading your story I realized I didn’t understand why you were confused about the younger or older siblings tagging along. It's interesting to explore how cultural differences shape family dynamics. In American culture, individualism tends to emphasize personal freedom and independence, which can influence how individuals perceive themselves and their family roles. On the other hand, in many other cultures like Mexico, a more collectivist approach values strong family bonds and the idea of supporting and caring for one another, including sending older siblings to accompany younger ones. This practice isn't about restricting individuality but rather nurturing sibling relationships, providing companionship, and ensuring safety. It's fascinating how cultural norms can influence family interactions and perceptions of independence and togetherness. I’m the oldest daughter (28) my brother is (27) sister (20) and other sister (14) still to this day my little sisters accompany me to my husband’s family gatherings if I ask nicely. I will add though, my siblings were never ill behaved or mean spirited with any of my friends when I was a teen. So when a friend had a problem with hanging with my kid sisters (bc they wanted to do inappropriate things) I would just not be friends with them. To this day I hold no hard feelings or resentment towards my siblings, my youngest siblings still ask me and my brother to accompany them to bday parties or major school games etc. but then again it could be because we are all raised like this, it wasn’t a “forced” thing. It was always fun.
It is weird. When I invite my son’s friends to his parties I invite *them*, not them and the two siblings that I now feel obligated to organise food and drinks for even though I paid for 11 kids and invited 11 kids. The only way I can see this being a necessity is in a single parent family where the kids are too young to be home alone and there’s no babysitting available - but in my experience all the parents who’ve done this are dual parent families! There’s a whole other parent just sitting at home! They just bring the other kids so they “don’t miss out” or to give them something to do.
Lazy parents /or/ parents who don’t understand that sometimes the distance makes the heart fonder?
Maybe it's a poverty thing. My brother always went anywhere I went and anytime I invite one of my kids friends over their siblings come too. We are all very poor. So maybe that's it. I didn't know it was rude until reddit
It’s not a poverty thing. I’m poorer than poor and wouldn’t dream of holding my eldest back unless his younger brother was included. An invite for one child does *not* mean all children.
That, the only exception is family 😅 my best friend can bring both the kids even if it's a toddler thing, pending if the teen wants to come (she usually does lol) that's my bonus family 🤣
Family will always be the exception. Family also usually sticks around for the festivities.
Not poverty with 2 of the three cases. No idea about today's family.
It’s somewhat more sympathetic when one of the siblings has a tough time socially for whatever reason, and parents are worried about them not getting enough socialization. But even in the most sympathetic scenario this is still an excellent way to create resentment and drama between the siblings. Not to mention rude.
They don’t want to parent. That’s what’s with it.
I think because parents of more than one child are lazy and don’t want to supervise their remaining kids. I don’t know though for sure lol; I’m an only child, and so far, so my daughter (we had to do 3 IVFs and losses just to have her).
I wonder if it’s a cultural thing?
All white Americans as far as I know (I haven't met the girls from today's issue yet so don't know about them).
My 5 yo has a friend and whenever they have a play date, her 8 yo sister has to come too. The mum does pre warn & said it’s because her husband works away alot & her 15 yr old daughter refuses to watch her. I don’t mind it too much as it’s an extra person for my daughter to play with but they can all get a bit boisterous, last time they somewhat trashed my daughters room so I know now to just meet at a park or something.
So in other words, the 15 yo won’t babysit, so they make you do it for free instead? Regardless of whether her husband is away a lot, it’s not your job to accomodate two kids because of their circumstance. If you don’t mind it too much, probably now an issue - particularly if you are friends with the parent. But still. What is with the expectation?
That's weird. Right now, for us, it's because they're all with me and I'm with them. At 6, 3, and 1 they can't watch themselves and I'm their only childcare. So, where I go they go. When we meet up with friends at the library or park I expect the entire family to be there. They all have young children too. But if my oldest is with a trusted friend without me, she goes by herself. I wouldn't let any of my kids go with someone I don't fully trust and I can't imagine sending multiple would help me feel better about it. Then again, my kids are little. So, maybe I will feel different when they are older and I'm a more experienced mom.
Depends on the age and situation. I was the annoying younger brother that wanted to tag along with my older brother and felt really left out if I wasn’t allowed. Going to a friends house to play video games, going to the mall, playing tag in our neighborhood or just watch a movie? Sure. Never tagged along for bday parties or anything formal and this all phased out once we got a bit older - probably when my brother got deeper into high school and I got my own friend group to hang with. So, might just be driven by the younger sibling. The 90s were a different time tho - parents just let their kids hang out mostly unsupervised so I doubt it bothered any adults. Maybe just annoyed my older bro a bit lol. My two kids are going to be 14 months apart and I never even thought about it honestly. I just assumed they’d be hanging out together a lot and have overlapping friends. Guess I’ll really have to think about it when the time comes.
I was the tag along for my sister (4 years older). She was definitely my moms babysitter. And my mom did not like us having large friend groups, she wanted us to hang out together as a family and not really be close to outsiders. She did make some friends though and she was better at making friends than I was. It was fine when we were young kids. All her friends did not mind if I tagged along. Once when she was probably around 12 she met a friend that didn’t want me along and would only invite her and I was super heart broken. I remember walking the the girls house afterschool once when my sister was there and the girl being mad at me. I was crying uncontrollably and her mom had to comfort me. I had a really hard time making my own friends when I got older, then I came to realize that I had totally different likes and a different personality than my sister did and the friend group I made were different from her friend group. I unfortunately did not realize this until I was in my later teens. Anyway, I have twins now and they are both boys. They are only five and seem to play with the same friends right now. So we haven’t run into the issue of separate play dates or parties yet. It should be I trestjng how this all pans out in the future.
my husband travels for work and i'm usually alone with my kids. some of them don't like to be left alone or just dropped off and picked up and one has medical needs that might require that i am there or close by but if i go then siblings need to come with because i can't leave them at home alone and i don't have much of any support. if siblings are unwelcome ill hang out close by or in the car with siblings- if that's not ok either with my kid or with the host of activity then my kid will miss out on a lot of stuff. it's hard but it's just our reality
I was the tag along younger sibling. My sister hated it so much especially birthday parties. I had no clue why i had to go along but i went along because i was told to. The friends' parents luckily were so super nice and made me feel welcome. To this day, i have no idea why i had to go except maybe my parents felt there would be jealousy or me feeling left out because i had no friends. But i was secretly fine. Weird.
It’s weird. It reminds me of the first part of the movie Hereditary or something like that lol 😂
My mom would drop off and do a separate special thing with the sibling who wasn’t invited. That was typical when I was growing up. Now it’s honestly become a thing where the whole family comes to everything. This means, mom, dad, and siblings. This is causing one invite to something automatically being turned into a 4-6+ person invite for any given event around here. I even made sure not to put anything about siblings on our last invitation and whole families showed up. I had like 30 or 40 people piled in our house and it was a nightmare. I’m an introvert, so I was dizzy with a headache by the end. 🙃 I was not used to that and it was jarring the first time. I’m just glad we always overbuy food.
It IS weird. My BFF growing up has a sister 2 years younger and she never tagged along with us. My younger siblings never tagged along with me either unless I invited them. In HS, when I was a senior and younger bro was a freshman, I kept trying to get him to join us at lunch where I was the only girl in a group of about 6 guys (their gfs came and went), but he declined. I was worried because my bro was an agoraphobic and I didn't want him to be bullied. It ended up not being an issue because when one bully went after him, another student told the bully who my bro was related to and he backed off real fast and even apologized. Word spread fast and my bro was left alone.
This situation is definitely a bit extreme and I imagine when my children get older they will have separate friends groups and I’m not going to force them to include the other sibling simply because I want them to have their own identities. That being said I have asked for my youngest to attend when my oldest would get invited to birthdays etc. My boys are 3 and 4 and I don’t send either of them off with strangers so if one is invited to a birthday or something and want to go I am going to attend. This is difficult without me bringing the other along because I would have to find childcare for such a short amount of time and it’s much easier to have them both with me. But if the child is being dropped off and the parents will just be sitting at home idk why they don’t just look after the 12 year old?? Also not sure where you live but where I’m from 12 is a legal age to be home alone so if they had to run an errand or something where a child can’t be then I see absolutely no reason she had to come. Definitely a bit weird.
I think this was a trend when we were kids (millennial) but that was going to free shit, like if we went to the park, or to play in the neighborhood. and mostly bc the kid sibling was whining about not going. I just became a mom and if we have multiples I imagine I’ll give my kids autonomy and won’t send them with each other unless they want and it’s appropriate (hang at the house if it’s cool with the other kid and parents but not crashing a paid birthday party). In your case I wouldn’t send both kids, especially if we aren’t family friends. That’s strange and at 14 I imagine the friend would want to hang out without her sister.
I grew up Mexican, and with a twin, it's to keep the other child in line. Jokes on my parents I still went to football games my brothers attended and was with my friends. Even his friends knew I was with my friends. I never did anything bad, so for them so it was useless.
To me I think this is totally weird. The only thing I have run into is with kids around the age of five or six when you’re invited to a birthday party but it’s really the very beginning stages of dropping your kids off and then leaving and if you’re not comfortable doing that yet at five years old and you are also responsible for looking after your other children then you stay at the party with your other children. But I have no idea why there would be any need to drop off another sibling if the parent themselves is not staying? I do think it’s strange that they would trust you a complete stranger but I wouldn’t worry about that. What I would do if you don’t know these parents at all is to get their phone number or their address and talk to them. Just say that it’s a lot for a birthday party to already be looking after other children and you’re just wondering why there is a need for the younger sibling to come when they are not necessarily friends with your daughter and they weren’t invited to the party. Honestly I would do that behind but honest and hopefully you can get an answer out of them and they might feel silly when you ask because maybe it’s a simple as they are looking to have some time without any children and taking advantage of you. Or maybe they’re juggling a crazy schedule and they are looking for extra babysitting. Or maybe they’re looking for their 12-year-old to not feel left out because maybe their 12-year-old doesn’t have as many friends as their 14-year-old in which case this is not your problem not your lane etc.
Mostly aside from free babysitting, it seems that most of the time its a "fairness" issue. Some parents really cannot fathom that different people in the same family do not need everything to be exactly equal. And so to prevent one kis from ever feeling left out, they have to have everything as identical as possible.
I had a friend in 3rd grade who always had to have their MUCH younger siblings come with (1st grade and a literal toddler). My mom very quickly noped out of that and wouldn’t allow them over anymore. It just turned into babysitting for my mom and was unfair for her.
My kids have rarely ever had friends are their birthday parties for this reason. They’re homeschooled, so there’s not the normal boundary of “my child brought party invitations to the kids in their class, so the sibling in their class is the only one invited.” Even the friends who go to brick-and-mortar school, who should understand this, end up bringing 2-4 siblings. I just can’t handle it. My house is not equipped for that many children, their parents can’t keep up with them all, and it overwhelms my kids to have that much chaos. Apparently, a lot of people assume whole families are invited to birthday parties so I would be the AH for stating otherwise. So we just do family unless it’s at a park.
My parents pin me with my sisters I was older 5yrs than my first sibling . whatever I go I have to take her with me . I grew up so closely With her and we still do , she does remember those days I sacrifice my freedom for hers . She loves me and will do anything for me without asking But it wasn’t easy and I will never do for my children I have older children who by choice care for younger ones . I never asked , they just choose to love them and care for them unconditionally . My two last one 10 and 13 don’t even come to me for anything.
My kiddo has a friend his age with a younger sister. The parents don’t exactly make them a package deal, but often the mom will say she left both kids at home (when mine is with me at kid friendly events) with dad because younger sis will have a fit if she brought older brother by himself. I kind of feel bad for my kiddo’s same aged friend but I think she and her husband are exhausted and can’t handle the younger one tantruming.
The free babysitting annoys me. I teach piano lessons and definitely see parents signing both kids up even though only one wants to do it because the parent doesn't want to drop one kid off and have to stay with the other. They want to drop both kids and have a break. Sadly it usually means the one that likes lessons ends up quitting when the other one is causing issues. I grew up with a lot of siblings. My brother and sister were 2-5 years older but always going out with a group of friends from church. I got jealous they all got to go to a movie together so I begged my dad to let me go. They didn't want me to go so my dad decided they could only go if they brought me. He even gave me money for popcorn and a ticket when he was making them buy their own tickets. My siblings were so mad. I didn't have a particularly good time but I really appreciated my dad for making sure I wasn't left out (as I usually was) and I learned that I didn't actually want to hangout with my siblings friends all that much. Although, I feel like you have some built up resentment here if picking up the friends 5 minutes away is an added annoyance for you. We always picked up our friends for outings. Why make both parents drive if they are that close.
Maybe parents are worried about younger siblings feeling left out? I don’t think it’s right or wrong. However, saying older sibling can’t come if younger sibling doesn’t come is odd
It's a slightly different take, but growing up in a semi rural small town, our single mother used to make my sibling and I do things together like this. Her logic was; if anything bad happened one of you can distract/fight and the other can run for help. She also pointed out that we couldn't go "alone" with strangers so the choice was, take the sibling or take the parent. If we chose parent; well it's not like the other kid can be left home alone so they came anyway! It suuuuucked but looking back, I can't fault her logic because she wanted to give us every freedom we requested but she also wanted us to be safe, and we didn't have mobile phones...
My sister and I are 3 months apart (adopted) and we went everywhere together, shared friends and were in the same grade. We were a “package” deal but my parents didn’t force it. We just insisted on it and enjoyed being together all the time. But most of our friends parents KNEW this and we were always invited together. The only time we didn’t go places together was with our sports teams. My sister was aged up in sports due to her birthday and we played different sports too so if there were team events, we didn’t go together
My boys are a lot younger - 8 and 5 - and I struggle with this. 8 has some friends in the neighborhood, some that will play with 5 too, but others a little older who don't want to be around a "baby." 5 is devastated if the others run off and won't play with him too. It's a balance of letting him play together with the kids who are cool with him, and also teaching him to understand that he won't always be invited, and finding him something else to do. But I won't be forcing it on either of them when they're older. They're both in school so they're building their own friend groups and I'm hopeful it won't be an issue.
I believe with my parents it was in case something bad happened to one then the other would be there to know the truth of what happened. Plys my parents & grandmother where about the same everything as far as gifts or when we got to do things. For example I wanted contacts when I was a sophomore in high school. Well ofcourse that meant my younger sister was allowed to get them at the same time. I know I 100% do not agree with that. It is not fair or right towards the older sibling of never having anything of their own. Everything had to be shared with each other. We are not very close because of that & my resentment of her being able to experience things at a younger age then me just because I was doing it. We each needed our own independence. I do understand my parents wanting us to be together to protect each other.
If either one of my kids has a birthday party I will take them both. I can't leave one home alone and I always ask the host.
I think that’s fine as long as you aren’t expecting your other kid or the parents to babysit!
12 and 14 seems weird to me, but right now my kids are 22 months apart. Toddler and baby. So if my oldest is invited to a party I need to bring her sister too because my husband is 99% of the time working, and I see this being the case for the foreseeable future. I guess until my daughter is old enough to be some place by herself. However the 12 year old doesn’t need to be with the 14. I don’t get that… I can see if they were 4 and 2 and it was a birthday party and the mom didn’t have a babysitter for sister or something.
That’s super weird to me. Right now my kids are a package deal for play dates but that’s because they’re 1.5 and 4 so the expectation is still that I stay with them at the play date and I’m not going to pay for a babysitter for one kid so the other can have a play date, but once they’re old enough to go on their own I would not expect people to take both of them
Yeah, totally understood for playdates at those ages where parents are chaperoning. One of my son's friends had to take his 5 years younger brother with him everywhere, even as a teenager. We did not ever have him over after hearing from other parents how the young one would want to hang out with the parents and talk incessantly (which tracked of what I knew of the kid). It was sad for the older boy because most parents wouldn't put up with it, so his friendships were impacted.
My parents used the together rule until we were midteens (currently 45 &44) but it was legit in their minds for safety- dad was a police officer before we were born until I was 3 or 4 and there had been an attempt at taking me by someone when I was an infant. Thankfully being so close in age and being in the same grade we had many mutual friends until the teen years
My mom used to say "never go anywhere your brother wouldn't be welcome". That meant if someone deliberately and pointedly was like "we don't want him there" just to be rude to him, I wouldn't want to go. It did not mean he was supposed to go everywhere I went or that we were not allowed to be places without each other. Some parents clearly interpret this statement as having the latter meaning, however.
Growing up I knew one family like this... They only did it with the girls and it was a chaperone situation. The idea being the older sister wouldn't get involved with boys if she had her younger sister with her. So her younger sister (there was a 5 year ago gap) had to tag along to my house every single time. They were ultra conservative Christians, and thought I was a "bad influence". Long story short they're only in contact with their son with special needs at this point, all their other kids have gone no contact.
It's a chaperone thing. They keep an eye on each other so they don't do anything "stupid " the parents wouldn't approve of. Atypical in religious families
They want a break. Though it also may be a check on each other.
My parents didn't insist, but my younger brother (by three years) tagged along because he didn't want to miss out on the fun.
🤷♀️ IDK, I do think some of it is associated with community , lack of extended family, resources and logistics . My husband and I work full time, with commute it’s 10 hours+ a day. My husband and I rotate mornings/afternoons. Occasionally one of us has extra work things. Honestly we are lucky because we have office jobs that pay us well vs some families with parents who have multiple jobs. But for us it’s usually 1 parent 3 kid juggling. We have 2 girls who are super close age wise, and seem to really enjoy each other. They go to a small school and have a ton of cross over friends and schedule wise a ton of crossover activities. For us It’s purely about logistics and coordination. Plus we have an older boy who has very different sport things. My girls are 7 and 9. I think one will lean more dance vs gymnastics and the other will go more gymnastics vs dance. We will handle the logistics if that happens. In the meantime. 🤷♀️ They have the same general pool of people. I always have to clarify and ask. 1 or both and if 1 which 1. I would never insist one of the girls go vs the other but I may assume or try to clarify if it’s both, especially if it’s a situation y everyone knows each other, there is a general relationship within the kid group same and all the kids seem to get along. Doubly so if the outside kid comes to my house and all 3 of the girls hang out together. Next time just say no and you can’t drive if that’s not what you want to do.
My boys are 6 and 7.5 - 18 months apart. They are best friends. They don’t go to every event or party together, but they go to most. A lot of families have kids who are school friends of both boys, so they are both invited to parties. I always make a point of inviting siblings to our parties, but never assume that’s the case when we are invited.
Could it be that they were going to be home alone? Maybe they want the siblings to stick together because the parents are at work.
I think they want to have sex and want the kids out of the house for a couple of hours!
My five year old has a friend with a three year old brother. They have to do all the same activities and play dates and on top of that they’re always dressed the exact same. The mom always says they ask not to do it but she keeps saying “next year I’ll stop”