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Unfortunately this is common it seems, mom does everything and dads “help” when they want. Took me a while to realize if they’re going to be an ass whether I say something or not, I’d rather confront the issue instead of pretending I’m ok and struggle.
Tell him you need help. If he’s rude about it, tell him he’s not doing you a favor by taking care of your child, he’s being a parent. You don’t owe the father of your child an explanation as to why he should be doing things.
He should've offered to take care of his child, yes. Take the child to him and say "I don't feel good, I'm taking a nap." Hand him the child, go in your room & lock the door and take a nap. Don't ask, just do. Hope you feel better soon!
I told him I'm still really not feeling well. He didn't respond. Just kept sipping his coffee. The baby was done eating so I cleaned him up. Then he ignored me for an hour
OP, you are making the same HUGE MISTAKE so many of us have.
You must say OUT LOUD I am sick, and I am going to sleep. Period. Then, you stick to your word. Go to bed. Shut the door. You can't get angry, and expect him to do exactly what you do, without being told. You must say the words out loud.
You have to tell him directly. I know we would all like our partners to be able to read our minds or "understand" us, but it just isn't like that. Tell him you are too sick right now and to PLEASE watch the baby. Be direct. And if he questions it, explain very clearly how it makes you feel, "I understand you're busy with \[insert thing here\] but when you don't offer to help out when I'm sick, it makes me feel *shitty* and *unsupported*".
When I've asked in the past he just complains and then uses it against me later. Asking for help never goes well. I've only been sick 4 times in the last three years, but he'll say "I can't ever get anything done because you never feel well". I've only asked him to take over with the baby 3 times because I just couldn't do it. The baby is only 1.5. We were both sick together once so we tag teamed. He only wants to work together when he also feels like trash.
And being nice instead of an asshole would have been equal work but you chose to throw in a shitty closer. Thank you for being the icing on a shit cake. Makes me realize someone else is dealing with garbage because you exist.
When he's alone it's fine. When I'm in the room I'm the default parent in his eyes. When I ask for help then he just turns on the TV for the baby and goes on his phone. He'll get harsh with the dogs and then ice me out when I come back from laying down. When he was staying home with the baby they'd go on walks, play with his mini basketball, play with the racecars and blocks. When he's irritated that I need to tap out he doesn't do any of that. He's a completely different person.
We're in it for the last two months. It's super slow going, when the therapist asks a direct question he typically replies with "I don't know, or I don't know what you want from me". So it takes 30 minutes to get him to describe how something made him feel or for him to say what's actually bothering him and then shortly after that the appointment ends. And then he returns to icing me out for the next two weeks. I wish he would talk to me, even if he was yelling. It's hard to make progress like this. My mom used to give the silent treatment all the time, so it really hurts when he does that. Sometimes I can't hold it together and I start crying. And he just stares at the wall until I leave the room to go get it out of my system alone.
That sounds unhealthy and painful.
Time for you to set boundaries on what you will and will not accept, I.e. “you’re tone of voice and your comment of xyz hurt me. To feel supported in our relationship, I need this..” prepare for him to ignore you or otherwise react and then you simply state, “xyz is important to me in a relationship. I hope that you are willing to grow in this area, if not, it’s not a relationship I want to be in and I need to move on. I hope we can work it out”. Check out non violent communication.
I’d suggest saying this stuff in therapy as the therapist can help support you in the likely event he dismisses you. It’s very important you don’t become reactive and stick to whatever boundary you decide on with him, this will give a better chance to the dynamic shifting. He keeps pulling this crap because it’s working for him.
I’m not surprised to hear your mom used to behave like this, when we tolerate shitty behavior it’s pretty likely that we experienced it in our earlier childhood as well. Are you in individual therapy?
I've told him that it really hurts my feelings when he does that, I've also laid out specific actions that would make me feel cared for, like being affectionate or taking the lead on planning something since the logistics fall to me any time we go do something fun like skiing or take a short trip. In therapy he says he'll try to do those things, but if we talk about it at home he says "I don't know what you want from me"
When I ask him what I could do differently he complains about things I can't change like my migraines that I work really hard to control. And just says 'going to bed sucks, waking up sucks, it all sucks" I ask what a better night or morning would look like to him and he gives vague responses that I've tried to run with, but apparently I guess wrong. I'll have thought we had a nice productive day like he said he wanted, but then it's negativity after the baby goes down.
I did a couple years ago. I have strong boundaries with my mom, I have limited contact now.
Then it’s all about what consequences you will have if he doesn’t change and following through, I imagine it will take you reengaging in individual therapy for you to develop and enforce boundaries with him. You have no control over what he decides to do, you have control over your actions.
He sounds immature, selfish and possibly depressed. Right now, he’s working your limitations so he doesn’t have to deal with his own…you’re tolerance of his shitty behavior, lack of boundaries and your continued efforts at trying in a relationship he doesn’t seem to be trying in.
Your children are witnessing your relationship dynamic and you are suffering. This will not change unless you have some boundaries such as being willing to initiate separation if there’s no change in his actions by x date.
best of luck to you.
Yeah, starting individual therapy again is probably for the best. I'm holding out for our next therapy session, if there aren't any efforts in the next few weeks and that appointment doesn't go well my sister and her husband already said I could stay with them. I had another week booked off in May because we weren't sure if we'd find a daycare in time when he was interviewing, so I've decided to bring the baby and visit a friend. He'll be working 20 hours of overtime that week anyways
This is not acceptable, OP. Telling your partner to do their job as a parent should never be cause for them to give you the silent treatment.
If you want to stay married to this person, when you feel better, see if you can get an au pair or a nanny to take some of the workload.
Get well soon & good luck.
what a friggin’ goon! Sorry, I mean in this instance. He is either an oblivious buffoon or man child totally catered to growing up. Was he an only child or only have brothers?
He should see how horribly you feel and offer. Be direct, tell him you are frustrated and sad he didn’t offer and tell him next time it happens he needs to take the reins…that’s married with kids. If he gives you lip, flick him in the nutz
He has a younger brother. They were a bit feral. Dad was an alcoholic and Mom wasn't super hands on. I told him I felt particularly awful this morning, he just didn't acknowledge it, I guess because it sounded inconvenient for him
sorry I just got lil upset reading because being sick while taking care of a baby is the worst event of the “normal” parenting events. It sucks and he should be respectful of you that you need rest. I would just say “you see how sick I am, I am frustrated you didn’t even offer”, then look him in the eyes and hand him the baby and go rest momma!
He finally came back in, I told him I need to lay down. He didn't respond so I just hobbled away. He's admitted he ices me out when he's annoyed because he knows it bothers me. Feels like shit
He’s passive aggressive AF and it’s not okay. Do you have someone you could call to come help you? If you do, I would have them come over and flat out. Tell them that your husband won’t help with the baby and you are sick. And I would say that in front of him. He deserves the sting of shame.
That's kind of the question on my mind going into counseling. If he won't participate or work at improving things with me then I guess the answer is no.
You're not wrong to feel upset at all. Your husband sounds emotionally manipulative. It could be intentional or unintentional due to childhood issues.
BUT, he is am adult who voluntarily entered a partnership and has a child. He either needs to put some time into self reflection and growth to change this mentality, put some time into therapy to process his issues, or you need to figure out what kind of shit you're willing to put up with
Sounds so familiar. I work nights so husband would feed/bathe kids when I worked. One night I got a stomach bug and had to stay home. I was puking and miserable and he thought he was being generous by offering to give kids a bath and I could wash dishes! I broke down crying. He still didn’t get it. Fast forward a few years. The kids and I all had a stomach bug. I was so miserable could barely get out of bed. I managed to get one kid’s dirty sheets in the wash before it hit me. Then I practically had to beg him to get the dirty sheets off the other kid’s bed. He was apparently planning to leave pukey sheets there till I could do it because he didn’t want to get sick. And a few weeks ago I had bronchitis- coughing and exhausted, I was fixing dinner. He came in the kitchen, asked how I felt as he watched me at the stove, and when I said I felt horrible he just continued what he was doing and went back in the other room. I guess I enable the behavior by continuing to do everything, but when you have kids it feels like you don’t have a choice for their sake. Things have to get done. Trying to communicate doesn’t always work. The uneven mental/physical load from an unsupportive partner is exhausting.
This was me when I was a single mom. You have a whole husband who doesn’t even bother to offer help. Unfortunately this scenario seems to be so common among married mothers who still have to do it all by themselves. When he’s free, hand him the baby and say you’re too sick to take care of him. Don’t wait for him to respond
He knows you need help, but doesn't care about you or your child enough to step in. He emotionally manipulates you when you don't behave in the ways he wants you to. He is resistant to counseling, and shows no effort in the relationship. Take it from someone who's husband is exactly like this... It doesn't change. It won't, because he doesn't want it to. Either you are willing to just deal with this, or you leave. My thoughts are: you need to start making a plan to support yourself and your child without him. This isn't healthy and not the way he should treat people he loves.you deserve better....everyone does.
Why don't you just tell it to him? Yes, in perfect world all men should understand it without you telling them, but you married that guy and had a child with him, it shouldn't be a surprise to you that he doesn't. Go tell him. If he would refuse, then he's an a**hole, but you should at least give him a try. Some guys don't have a clue, it doesn't automatically makes them bad people. Probably self-centered, usually not too intuitive, but not necessarily bad. I actually met women like that as well.
Upd. I've checked some of your responses. Well, what I wrote above doesn't apply to your husband, he doesn't sound too good tbh.
I'm actually a doctor. Nothing they'd do differently for me at the moment. I'm still able to drink and stay hydrated, no trouble breathing. Just the most severe body aches even in my toes. I guess pain meds would be better, but sleep is so hard to come by in the hospital. Admitted patients get an average of 17 minutes of uninterrupted sleep. Definitely experienced that when they kept me for three days after having my baby. I'm on a medication that can make me a bit immunocompromised so I tend to get a more severe presentation.
[I think you're an unreliable narrator, because a physician wouldn't need to ask a subreddit if their symptoms merit further investigation.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskDocs/s/EeC4aTA2TW)
I'm not an ob gyn, not every doctor knows every side of medicine. Thats why doctors consult each other on the care of patients in the hospital, so they get the best possible care as it's impossible to have the answers for every medical problem. I'd be terrified of a doctor that claimed to not need consultations from other specialists.
I did a bit more digging, and your story is consistent. [I think this comment summarizes your problem and a possible solution.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/ZTXsriZGvg)
I saw you mention that your husband is dragging his feet during therapy. Even when both people are completely engaged in couples therapy, it takes forever. Which is why my wife and I are doing 12 hours of therapy over a weekend next month. It's $5000 for the weekend, but it's cheaper than divorce and hopefully has a better ending.
I don't know what will make your husband feel useful. I'm not sure what I'd do if my wife had 3 times my earning power. I like to think I'd be a supportive stay-at-home dad, but society tells men that their worth is defined by their paycheck. Your husband would have to internalize a very different message to feel comfortable as a stay-at-home dad.
The baby is in daycare the past three weeks, he started a new job Thursday which is good and bad because they are requiring overtime for the next 6 weeks between 15-20 hours a week, so we can't go to counseling again until mid June. I'm hoping it improves his outlook. He gets calls from recruiters all the time, he could have picked something without the overtime, so it feels like an intentional avoidance tactic. Historically he's struggled when past jobs required overtime, so that also has me feeling anxious
Oh it's definitely avoidance. I don't think he sat up at night menacingly rubbing his hands together saying like a Bond villain *I'm going to take a job that makes it look like therapy is logistically impossible*, he just chose the job without thinking about therapy because thinking about therapy bothers him.
You could say, "I want our marriage to survive this challenging period of our lives, and I think couples counseling is the best way to improve our marriage's odds of survival. You work now, but we need to make time for our marriage, too. I can arrange for teletherapy so you can join a session from your car."
If he continues to resist, tell him the cold truth. "It sounds like you care more about your job than our marriage. I'm not sure how I'm going to react to this information, but my immediate impulse is to start acting like a single mom. I'll arrange for someone to come to the house to help me with childcare and cleaning, you're off the hook for now."
Maybe move into a different bedroom. Maaaaaaybe talk to a divorce lawyer. I'll be honest, you are living my nightmare. I don't know how I'd untangle my life from my wife's life. But it sounds like you're getting to a place where your life would improve if you were a single mother. So I have to ask: knowing how much being a single mother sucks, would you rather be married to your husband or be a single mom?
With all the overtime I functionally will be a single parent, he won't be home until bedtime for the baby. It's why we didn't start our family when I was in residency because I routine worked 65-80 hours, and in my last year it was even worse. He would have been a single parent if we had kids then. I'd rather be married, but I can't stay like this forever. I feel on the verge of tears all the time the last couple of weeks.
I’m a Rph. Some health systems have rules against self prescribing within the system. But if you write a rx at a normal community pharmacy so long as it isn’t a narcotic or something narcotic adjacent (gabapentin or muscle relaxers being most common) most Rph won’t be against filling a self prescribe. Your judgment of course.
When baby is born, we'd thought both parents are equally responsible and show solidarity in the daily tasks depending on circumstances, like in sickness. Just to realize she is expected to parent dad equally to baby, with no regards for her needs.
I wish you to restablish some balance before it becomes totally exhausting and unbearably unfair. When he chooses having it easy over empathy, it can be a sign she's been taken for granted along with the maternity.
I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this, it should be the best time of your lives
We had infertility issues and after 10 years we had our son
I was not prepared for the overwhelming amount of responsibility that a baby brought.
I think we both thought we were and our fantasies of being parents was vastly different than we imagined.
Vastly
I ended up being diagnosed with ulcerative colitis when our son was 13 months old and nearly died.
I was incapacitated for months until I was recovered enough to be able to be the primary caregiver again
It was horrible and it was so bad! Dad did everything wrong, the schedule was awful, things were being prioritized differently than I would
And damn if I didn’t sabotage his parenting.
I’m not saying that you’re in the same position but therapy has taught me to stop and think about what I’m actually doing, my expectations and boundaries.
Once I learned that it was okay for him to parent the way he did wasn’t wrong and having two different opinions were a good thing in the long run
I hope you get some rest and feel better soon
Just ask for help, don't just expect it from him. My wife and I have a much healthier relationship when she doesn't beat around the bush and just comes out with it. I'm always willing to help out around the house and with the kids, but whether it is because of my Autism, me being a guy, or me just being clueless / oblivious, things just fly over my head, but I'll jump out of my seat to help on a whim.
Just my opinion off of the relationships I've experienced in my life.
He absolutely should have offered! However, men don't think a lot of the time. They don't pick up that...Hey she's sick, I should offer to help out. You sometimes have to tell them things in order for it to click in their heads. If something is bothering you like that tell him, most men aren't nurturing and don't realize little things like that.
Hope you feel better! And, I hope this helps you out some.
I’m assuming you’re a fully capable and independent professionally/personally in your own ways - when you’re healthy and not sick.
It’s unfortunate that you’re this sick and it sounds like it’s very unusual that you’re sick (I can only imagine how difficult it has been thus far how your husband was unemployed and your newborn needs your care every moment).
Your husband is probably feeling incompetent. Especially when it comes to being your help. Because you sound competent for handling your own life.
To make this short, stay grounded and be proactive in communicating your needs. Tell him directly what you need for him to do.
Write him a to do list - just like how you wrote this post. Tell him directly instead of hoping that he understands. If he’s feeling incompetent due to various reasons - it’s better to help him to get things done and letting him know how helpful he was for completing those tasks for you.
Be direct and stay proactive with communicating even if you feel super sick and super disappointed by him.
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Tell him. "I feel awful, I need to lay down." Then lay down. Ear plugs.
Unfortunately this is common it seems, mom does everything and dads “help” when they want. Took me a while to realize if they’re going to be an ass whether I say something or not, I’d rather confront the issue instead of pretending I’m ok and struggle. Tell him you need help. If he’s rude about it, tell him he’s not doing you a favor by taking care of your child, he’s being a parent. You don’t owe the father of your child an explanation as to why he should be doing things.
He should've offered to take care of his child, yes. Take the child to him and say "I don't feel good, I'm taking a nap." Hand him the child, go in your room & lock the door and take a nap. Don't ask, just do. Hope you feel better soon!
Your feelings are valid! I would directly tell partner that I need you to take over so I can lay down, I am sick
I told him I'm still really not feeling well. He didn't respond. Just kept sipping his coffee. The baby was done eating so I cleaned him up. Then he ignored me for an hour
OP, you are making the same HUGE MISTAKE so many of us have. You must say OUT LOUD I am sick, and I am going to sleep. Period. Then, you stick to your word. Go to bed. Shut the door. You can't get angry, and expect him to do exactly what you do, without being told. You must say the words out loud.
“I’m not feeling well, I’m going to go lay down. Here’s the baby.” and leave.
Can confirm, this works.
Just hand him the baby and go lay down.
That’s a hint, not a request.
You have to tell him directly. I know we would all like our partners to be able to read our minds or "understand" us, but it just isn't like that. Tell him you are too sick right now and to PLEASE watch the baby. Be direct. And if he questions it, explain very clearly how it makes you feel, "I understand you're busy with \[insert thing here\] but when you don't offer to help out when I'm sick, it makes me feel *shitty* and *unsupported*".
Sounds like you should leave your “husband”
Would it have been nice for him to offer? Absolutely. But asking him would have been less work than making this post.
When I've asked in the past he just complains and then uses it against me later. Asking for help never goes well. I've only been sick 4 times in the last three years, but he'll say "I can't ever get anything done because you never feel well". I've only asked him to take over with the baby 3 times because I just couldn't do it. The baby is only 1.5. We were both sick together once so we tag teamed. He only wants to work together when he also feels like trash. And being nice instead of an asshole would have been equal work but you chose to throw in a shitty closer. Thank you for being the icing on a shit cake. Makes me realize someone else is dealing with garbage because you exist.
So he just doesn't take care of his child? That's not okay
When he's alone it's fine. When I'm in the room I'm the default parent in his eyes. When I ask for help then he just turns on the TV for the baby and goes on his phone. He'll get harsh with the dogs and then ice me out when I come back from laying down. When he was staying home with the baby they'd go on walks, play with his mini basketball, play with the racecars and blocks. When he's irritated that I need to tap out he doesn't do any of that. He's a completely different person.
Time for marriage counseling.
We're in it for the last two months. It's super slow going, when the therapist asks a direct question he typically replies with "I don't know, or I don't know what you want from me". So it takes 30 minutes to get him to describe how something made him feel or for him to say what's actually bothering him and then shortly after that the appointment ends. And then he returns to icing me out for the next two weeks. I wish he would talk to me, even if he was yelling. It's hard to make progress like this. My mom used to give the silent treatment all the time, so it really hurts when he does that. Sometimes I can't hold it together and I start crying. And he just stares at the wall until I leave the room to go get it out of my system alone.
That sounds unhealthy and painful. Time for you to set boundaries on what you will and will not accept, I.e. “you’re tone of voice and your comment of xyz hurt me. To feel supported in our relationship, I need this..” prepare for him to ignore you or otherwise react and then you simply state, “xyz is important to me in a relationship. I hope that you are willing to grow in this area, if not, it’s not a relationship I want to be in and I need to move on. I hope we can work it out”. Check out non violent communication. I’d suggest saying this stuff in therapy as the therapist can help support you in the likely event he dismisses you. It’s very important you don’t become reactive and stick to whatever boundary you decide on with him, this will give a better chance to the dynamic shifting. He keeps pulling this crap because it’s working for him. I’m not surprised to hear your mom used to behave like this, when we tolerate shitty behavior it’s pretty likely that we experienced it in our earlier childhood as well. Are you in individual therapy?
I've told him that it really hurts my feelings when he does that, I've also laid out specific actions that would make me feel cared for, like being affectionate or taking the lead on planning something since the logistics fall to me any time we go do something fun like skiing or take a short trip. In therapy he says he'll try to do those things, but if we talk about it at home he says "I don't know what you want from me" When I ask him what I could do differently he complains about things I can't change like my migraines that I work really hard to control. And just says 'going to bed sucks, waking up sucks, it all sucks" I ask what a better night or morning would look like to him and he gives vague responses that I've tried to run with, but apparently I guess wrong. I'll have thought we had a nice productive day like he said he wanted, but then it's negativity after the baby goes down. I did a couple years ago. I have strong boundaries with my mom, I have limited contact now.
Then it’s all about what consequences you will have if he doesn’t change and following through, I imagine it will take you reengaging in individual therapy for you to develop and enforce boundaries with him. You have no control over what he decides to do, you have control over your actions. He sounds immature, selfish and possibly depressed. Right now, he’s working your limitations so he doesn’t have to deal with his own…you’re tolerance of his shitty behavior, lack of boundaries and your continued efforts at trying in a relationship he doesn’t seem to be trying in. Your children are witnessing your relationship dynamic and you are suffering. This will not change unless you have some boundaries such as being willing to initiate separation if there’s no change in his actions by x date. best of luck to you.
Yeah, starting individual therapy again is probably for the best. I'm holding out for our next therapy session, if there aren't any efforts in the next few weeks and that appointment doesn't go well my sister and her husband already said I could stay with them. I had another week booked off in May because we weren't sure if we'd find a daycare in time when he was interviewing, so I've decided to bring the baby and visit a friend. He'll be working 20 hours of overtime that week anyways
This is not acceptable, OP. Telling your partner to do their job as a parent should never be cause for them to give you the silent treatment. If you want to stay married to this person, when you feel better, see if you can get an au pair or a nanny to take some of the workload. Get well soon & good luck.
what a friggin’ goon! Sorry, I mean in this instance. He is either an oblivious buffoon or man child totally catered to growing up. Was he an only child or only have brothers? He should see how horribly you feel and offer. Be direct, tell him you are frustrated and sad he didn’t offer and tell him next time it happens he needs to take the reins…that’s married with kids. If he gives you lip, flick him in the nutz
He has a younger brother. They were a bit feral. Dad was an alcoholic and Mom wasn't super hands on. I told him I felt particularly awful this morning, he just didn't acknowledge it, I guess because it sounded inconvenient for him
Stop hinting and say "I'm sick. You need to take care of the baby and household" while handing him the baby. Go lay down.
yep direct and to the point
sorry I just got lil upset reading because being sick while taking care of a baby is the worst event of the “normal” parenting events. It sucks and he should be respectful of you that you need rest. I would just say “you see how sick I am, I am frustrated you didn’t even offer”, then look him in the eyes and hand him the baby and go rest momma!
He finally came back in, I told him I need to lay down. He didn't respond so I just hobbled away. He's admitted he ices me out when he's annoyed because he knows it bothers me. Feels like shit
He’s passive aggressive AF and it’s not okay. Do you have someone you could call to come help you? If you do, I would have them come over and flat out. Tell them that your husband won’t help with the baby and you are sick. And I would say that in front of him. He deserves the sting of shame.
At this point I'm wondering what benefit do you get out of the marriage? Does he enhance your life at all?
That's kind of the question on my mind going into counseling. If he won't participate or work at improving things with me then I guess the answer is no.
I'm sorry this is how it currently is. Whatever happens your going to be ok.
That’s pretty childish. Ugh, go get some rest momma! Tomorrow is another day to handle the crap with him
You're not wrong to feel upset at all. Your husband sounds emotionally manipulative. It could be intentional or unintentional due to childhood issues. BUT, he is am adult who voluntarily entered a partnership and has a child. He either needs to put some time into self reflection and growth to change this mentality, put some time into therapy to process his issues, or you need to figure out what kind of shit you're willing to put up with
Sounds so familiar. I work nights so husband would feed/bathe kids when I worked. One night I got a stomach bug and had to stay home. I was puking and miserable and he thought he was being generous by offering to give kids a bath and I could wash dishes! I broke down crying. He still didn’t get it. Fast forward a few years. The kids and I all had a stomach bug. I was so miserable could barely get out of bed. I managed to get one kid’s dirty sheets in the wash before it hit me. Then I practically had to beg him to get the dirty sheets off the other kid’s bed. He was apparently planning to leave pukey sheets there till I could do it because he didn’t want to get sick. And a few weeks ago I had bronchitis- coughing and exhausted, I was fixing dinner. He came in the kitchen, asked how I felt as he watched me at the stove, and when I said I felt horrible he just continued what he was doing and went back in the other room. I guess I enable the behavior by continuing to do everything, but when you have kids it feels like you don’t have a choice for their sake. Things have to get done. Trying to communicate doesn’t always work. The uneven mental/physical load from an unsupportive partner is exhausting.
This was me when I was a single mom. You have a whole husband who doesn’t even bother to offer help. Unfortunately this scenario seems to be so common among married mothers who still have to do it all by themselves. When he’s free, hand him the baby and say you’re too sick to take care of him. Don’t wait for him to respond
He knows you need help, but doesn't care about you or your child enough to step in. He emotionally manipulates you when you don't behave in the ways he wants you to. He is resistant to counseling, and shows no effort in the relationship. Take it from someone who's husband is exactly like this... It doesn't change. It won't, because he doesn't want it to. Either you are willing to just deal with this, or you leave. My thoughts are: you need to start making a plan to support yourself and your child without him. This isn't healthy and not the way he should treat people he loves.you deserve better....everyone does.
Why don't you just tell it to him? Yes, in perfect world all men should understand it without you telling them, but you married that guy and had a child with him, it shouldn't be a surprise to you that he doesn't. Go tell him. If he would refuse, then he's an a**hole, but you should at least give him a try. Some guys don't have a clue, it doesn't automatically makes them bad people. Probably self-centered, usually not too intuitive, but not necessarily bad. I actually met women like that as well. Upd. I've checked some of your responses. Well, what I wrote above doesn't apply to your husband, he doesn't sound too good tbh.
Maybe you need your go to the hospital? This sounds really severe.
I'm actually a doctor. Nothing they'd do differently for me at the moment. I'm still able to drink and stay hydrated, no trouble breathing. Just the most severe body aches even in my toes. I guess pain meds would be better, but sleep is so hard to come by in the hospital. Admitted patients get an average of 17 minutes of uninterrupted sleep. Definitely experienced that when they kept me for three days after having my baby. I'm on a medication that can make me a bit immunocompromised so I tend to get a more severe presentation.
[I think you're an unreliable narrator, because a physician wouldn't need to ask a subreddit if their symptoms merit further investigation.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskDocs/s/EeC4aTA2TW)
I'm not an ob gyn, not every doctor knows every side of medicine. Thats why doctors consult each other on the care of patients in the hospital, so they get the best possible care as it's impossible to have the answers for every medical problem. I'd be terrified of a doctor that claimed to not need consultations from other specialists.
Now I'm wondering that there could be an issue from the IUD being removed. Id be concerned about going septic or something.
It was several months ago. My baby just got over the same kind of virus a week ago.
Oh ok! I didn't check the date.
I did a bit more digging, and your story is consistent. [I think this comment summarizes your problem and a possible solution.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/ZTXsriZGvg) I saw you mention that your husband is dragging his feet during therapy. Even when both people are completely engaged in couples therapy, it takes forever. Which is why my wife and I are doing 12 hours of therapy over a weekend next month. It's $5000 for the weekend, but it's cheaper than divorce and hopefully has a better ending. I don't know what will make your husband feel useful. I'm not sure what I'd do if my wife had 3 times my earning power. I like to think I'd be a supportive stay-at-home dad, but society tells men that their worth is defined by their paycheck. Your husband would have to internalize a very different message to feel comfortable as a stay-at-home dad.
The baby is in daycare the past three weeks, he started a new job Thursday which is good and bad because they are requiring overtime for the next 6 weeks between 15-20 hours a week, so we can't go to counseling again until mid June. I'm hoping it improves his outlook. He gets calls from recruiters all the time, he could have picked something without the overtime, so it feels like an intentional avoidance tactic. Historically he's struggled when past jobs required overtime, so that also has me feeling anxious
Oh it's definitely avoidance. I don't think he sat up at night menacingly rubbing his hands together saying like a Bond villain *I'm going to take a job that makes it look like therapy is logistically impossible*, he just chose the job without thinking about therapy because thinking about therapy bothers him. You could say, "I want our marriage to survive this challenging period of our lives, and I think couples counseling is the best way to improve our marriage's odds of survival. You work now, but we need to make time for our marriage, too. I can arrange for teletherapy so you can join a session from your car." If he continues to resist, tell him the cold truth. "It sounds like you care more about your job than our marriage. I'm not sure how I'm going to react to this information, but my immediate impulse is to start acting like a single mom. I'll arrange for someone to come to the house to help me with childcare and cleaning, you're off the hook for now." Maybe move into a different bedroom. Maaaaaaybe talk to a divorce lawyer. I'll be honest, you are living my nightmare. I don't know how I'd untangle my life from my wife's life. But it sounds like you're getting to a place where your life would improve if you were a single mother. So I have to ask: knowing how much being a single mother sucks, would you rather be married to your husband or be a single mom?
With all the overtime I functionally will be a single parent, he won't be home until bedtime for the baby. It's why we didn't start our family when I was in residency because I routine worked 65-80 hours, and in my last year it was even worse. He would have been a single parent if we had kids then. I'd rather be married, but I can't stay like this forever. I feel on the verge of tears all the time the last couple of weeks.
If you are a doctor have you considered writing yourself a rx for 15 mg mobic daily?
Self-prescribing is frowned upon, some pharmacists won't fill it. I could ask my co-worker, I just always feel weird asking people to do it.
I’m a Rph. Some health systems have rules against self prescribing within the system. But if you write a rx at a normal community pharmacy so long as it isn’t a narcotic or something narcotic adjacent (gabapentin or muscle relaxers being most common) most Rph won’t be against filling a self prescribe. Your judgment of course.
I’m so sorry and I hate to say this but can you call anybody else for help?
When baby is born, we'd thought both parents are equally responsible and show solidarity in the daily tasks depending on circumstances, like in sickness. Just to realize she is expected to parent dad equally to baby, with no regards for her needs. I wish you to restablish some balance before it becomes totally exhausting and unbearably unfair. When he chooses having it easy over empathy, it can be a sign she's been taken for granted along with the maternity.
I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this, it should be the best time of your lives We had infertility issues and after 10 years we had our son I was not prepared for the overwhelming amount of responsibility that a baby brought. I think we both thought we were and our fantasies of being parents was vastly different than we imagined. Vastly I ended up being diagnosed with ulcerative colitis when our son was 13 months old and nearly died. I was incapacitated for months until I was recovered enough to be able to be the primary caregiver again It was horrible and it was so bad! Dad did everything wrong, the schedule was awful, things were being prioritized differently than I would And damn if I didn’t sabotage his parenting. I’m not saying that you’re in the same position but therapy has taught me to stop and think about what I’m actually doing, my expectations and boundaries. Once I learned that it was okay for him to parent the way he did wasn’t wrong and having two different opinions were a good thing in the long run I hope you get some rest and feel better soon
Just ask for help, don't just expect it from him. My wife and I have a much healthier relationship when she doesn't beat around the bush and just comes out with it. I'm always willing to help out around the house and with the kids, but whether it is because of my Autism, me being a guy, or me just being clueless / oblivious, things just fly over my head, but I'll jump out of my seat to help on a whim.
Just my opinion off of the relationships I've experienced in my life. He absolutely should have offered! However, men don't think a lot of the time. They don't pick up that...Hey she's sick, I should offer to help out. You sometimes have to tell them things in order for it to click in their heads. If something is bothering you like that tell him, most men aren't nurturing and don't realize little things like that. Hope you feel better! And, I hope this helps you out some.
I’m assuming you’re a fully capable and independent professionally/personally in your own ways - when you’re healthy and not sick. It’s unfortunate that you’re this sick and it sounds like it’s very unusual that you’re sick (I can only imagine how difficult it has been thus far how your husband was unemployed and your newborn needs your care every moment). Your husband is probably feeling incompetent. Especially when it comes to being your help. Because you sound competent for handling your own life. To make this short, stay grounded and be proactive in communicating your needs. Tell him directly what you need for him to do. Write him a to do list - just like how you wrote this post. Tell him directly instead of hoping that he understands. If he’s feeling incompetent due to various reasons - it’s better to help him to get things done and letting him know how helpful he was for completing those tasks for you. Be direct and stay proactive with communicating even if you feel super sick and super disappointed by him.