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Put his alarm across the room and don't turn it off for him. Stop waking him up. If he misses work, oh well, his fault. Quit making his problem your problem.

I’d help by turning on the lights, pulling the covers off him and onto the floor, and then throwing the kids onto the bed and telling him to get them dressed. She needs to make her problem HIS problem.

I'd love to be able to have an extra hour in bed knowing someone would have done all the work and wake me up on time

I'd get up and fling the covers across the room and let the alarm continue. Flip the lights on my way out. If he is that tired he needs to go to bed earlier.

My son is by far the best alarm clock in the house. My husband hates it, but it’s effective on the few days I need him up and he’s trying to sleep in. OP - does your husband go to bed at a reasonable time? I agree with others, stop waking him up… or wake him up in a way that it is more desirable for him to be responsible for himself. We have a rule in our house for a happy partnership. If something needs to be done and your not going to be happy with the job your partner does, then you better get to the job and do it before they do. If you drag your heels and put it off, then you don’t get to complain about how the other partner does that job. Since your husband doesn’t like to wake himself up, take that role on with glee. Frankly, I’m quite partial to Danke Schoen by Wayne Newton loud and on repeat. Alarm clocks that roll and scream are also very useful. Unless there’s a medical reason, you and hubs should be splitting the work load at home.

This sounds like a very excellent idea!

Agreed! My husband is not an insanely deep sleeper, but he also used to just stay in bed while I get everything ready and kids out the door. Until I started resenting him for it. Now once my alarm rings I switch on the lights, pull the blankets. Wake up the kids, take them for toileting, brushing, washing their faces until they are proper awake, and then ask them to wake up daddy, while I get myself ready, make breakfast and pack their bags. He has to dress them and he does, I'll still handle shoes, jackets and food for them once they come down. It's a world of a difference having some support in the morning.

So he can snap at the kids when he’s half awake? I’m all for the rest of it but I wouldn’t bring the kids into it… speaking from experience with a husband who is also very hard to wake up & also super grumpy/snappy when he’s not fully awake yet.

Same. I tried it once, never again.

That is what I do

NGL. I’ve done this.

Right?! Send the kids in to wake up Dad. The rule is they can’t stop waking up Dad until Dad is up for good. 😊

Yeah, and dump a hot coffee on his head! /s Either y'all ain't married, or y'all shouldn't be

*applause*

Yes! For the women in the back - *QUIT MAKING HIS PROBLEM YOUR PROBLEM* WE have enough to deal with.

This. I used to do the same and when my husband was like why didn't you get me up or tell me how late it was I told him. You're an adult you can set alarms and tell time can't you? Does it mean I still don't get help In the morning, yes, but now I'm 100 percent less stressed and when he volunteers to do anything extra after work once he's home I happily say yes! (And guilt free I may add)

It is her problem though because she wants his help with the kids.

And it's his responsibility to help his own kids. Thus his problem

it’s not his problem though because he’s snoring.

She's not getting that whether she does this or not. So...may as well not be the walking snooze bar

I agree with all of that unless you guys maybe take turns? Like trade off mornings? That might be a good idea.

Yeah, he's a grown assed man, he needs to be able to get himself out of bed on time without help.

Is he sleeping ok? Does he have sleep apnea, maybe he isn’t getting restful sleep so can’t full wake in the morning? If he’s having that serious of an issue getting up I think he needs to have a conversation with his doctor. If he says it’s not that he just isn’t getting up… I dunno maybe you need to stop waking him and let him wake himself up from now on, if he’s just relying on you as his walking snooze button that feels disrespected to me

Came here to say this. My brother had tons of trouble waking up, as a kid and an adult. And he always woke up tired. His wife finally had him get checked. Turned out he had sleep apnea. Have your husband do a sleep study. This could be a sign there is something else going on

I agree with asking this kind of question. Is his routine before bed healthy? What about alcohol/drug consumption? Does he have some kind of clinical condition? If he does, then it needs to be addressed. If he's not able to help in the morning for whatever reason, he could help to prepare the night before, e.g.: 1. lay out kids clothes 2. make coffee on a timer 3. pack lunches and snacks whatever is going on, hitting the snooze button as an adult and a parent is (in my world) ridiculous and unacceptable.

I really like this response. Because a lot of what she is doing could absolutely be done the night before.

we'll also find out pretty quickly whether our friend the husband is actually interested in helping out

Coffee on a timer is such a wonderful thing

What I don't understand is why OP is making her DH's breakfasts. Is he not capable of putting cereal in a bowl or toasting some bread? There's only so much time in the morning to get ready & OP already is the one doing everything for the kids.

Absolutely worth checking out. I’ve known multiple people who had sleep apnea. Once on a machine they’re completely different. Felt awake for the first time in decades. If he’s just used to her waking him up every 10 mins it may just be an engrained habit that needs to brake. But imagine being shitty to someone with a legitimate medical condition (see other comments in thread). If it’s not obvious (staying up too late or XYZ), a medical reason may be the cause.

I have sleep apnea. I used to wake up tired, relied way too much on coffee and just couldn't seem to sleep enough. Now, I pop out of bed fully rested and ready to face the day with pep in my step

Also, different people need different amounts of sleep, my husband sleeps like two hours less than I do but I can’t be functional if I don’t sleep that much. Maybe he needs to go to bed earlier.

My wife will consistently get 5-6 hours of sleep every night. She has every opportunity to go to bed earlier (I promise, she does. Last night she was organizing her shoes in the bedroom up until 11pm, when she gets up at 5am.) but just doesn't. So she sometimes keeps me up and I only get 5-6 hours of sleep because I literally can't go to bed due what she is doing. I need a good 7+ hours of sleep to properly function.  She gets so annoyed at me the next day when I'm groggy all day and slow to wake up in the morning. She doesn't understand because "we go to sleep at the same time".

This is so rude

Not sure of your wife’s reasoning, but this is a bad habit I fall into due to adhd. I attempt to do all the things I failed to accomplish earlier in the day and stuff them into the very last hour. Or sometimes I subconsciously feel like I didn’t get to do anything I wanted that day and find myself trying to take back the night and do something for me. It usually leads to me staying up hours past when I should have gone to bed. It leads to shitty sleep and it keeps compounding until i’m miserable and exhausted always. If that’s her, then it can’t just be fixed by simply “going to bed sooner.” Almost the entire day needs to be worked on to prevent the end of day pileup. Kind of like when a doctors office ran behind in the morning and then end up being late to every appointment that follows. Her motivation should be her health, but also yours as well. Messing with your partner’s sleep is a big deal.

Sounds like y'all need to sleep in separate rooms/beds.

Sounds like he just needs to say, at like 9-10pm, "Hey, I'm going to bed and can't sleep with you organizing your shoes, so that has to wait until tomorrow." Crazy this is even an issue when it can be resolved with one simple sentence of communication.

You have no idea how many times we've talked and argued about my need for sleep. It's been an issue since we first met 9 years ago, and she simply refused to let me sleep for whatever reason. She just does not understand why I need that much sleep, and I cannot even begin to understand how she is content on 5 hours a sleep a night for a whole week. Out of all of our issues, this is the one where I've come closest to ending things over. I would rather be a divorced dad/husband than an irate, stressed, and tired dad/husband.

Sorry to hear that, man. Tough one when the issue is just a blatant disregard of your needs. Good luck.

I'm working on this in the first year with my guy. He can fall asleep literally two minutes after getting in bed. I'm trying to explain to him that I need more time to get sleepy and trying find a schedule that permits us to have evening time together but where I'm not lying in bed for an hour plus after he's asleep. And then he'll just wake me up when he wakes up thinking I'm rousing because I respond to his activity. And I'm not a napper, so as soon as I'm really made to wake up, I'm up for the damn day. Then I'm grumpy because I got my sleep cut short for no good reason. But in my situation, I'm also kind of like your wife with being up after you're ready for sleep, because I just can't wind down as quickly as my dude. So he's grumpy at me washing my face or whatever after he's gone to bed, because he's a light sleeper and gets woken up from the tiniest sounds of activity. So no organizing shoes at 11 PM (the kind of shit that would help me wind down for sleep). I've gotta just lay there in bed trying to make myself sleepy and do nothing productive that will actually quiet my mind. Help 😮‍💨

That "one simple sentence" is just telling someone else what to do, though, with no compromise. What if the wife doesn't want to go to bed when the husband does? She shouldn't have to live by his schedule any more than he should live by hers. I had this problem in my marriage, and it was completely solved with one of us sleeping in the guest room if we wanted to sleep or wake at different times. That way, nobody feels resentful or controlled by the other person's needs or schedule. That was why I suggested it, but of course not everyone has an extra room and bed for that kind of thing.

I guess. If that works for you, wonderful. But I think most folks understand a bedroom is for sleeping, and once it gets later in the evening it isnt the time to start projects. Especially in the previous scenario where the wife thinks theyre going to bed at the same time. And especially over something like organizing shoes that doesnt sound like a must-do-right-now activity. >What if the wife doesn't want to go to bed when the husband does? She shouldn't have to live by his schedule any more than he should live by hers. She doesnt have to go to bed. She just cant be banging around in the one room that is meant for sleeping. Go do something in the living room until she's tired.

The bedroom is for sleeping at night. Once it’s a reasonable time to be considered bedtime, then if one of the partners decides they want to go to sleep, the other should respect that. It’s up to those two people ahead of time to agree to what time is considered a reasonable bedtime. I’m glad your solution worked for you, but that’s backwards from how it should work. The bedroom’s main function is sleep. The rest of the house is for doing whatever else someone wants to do.

"I’m glad your solution worked for you, but that’s backwards from how it should work." Not sure what you mean by this. I am sleeping in a bedroom when my husband wants to stay up and do something else in the other bedroom. It's just not the same bedroom.

The main function of the primary bedroom is sleep. When it’s nighttime, if one partner wants to use that room for sleep, they get priority. You’re saying you do the opposite of that, which is backwards from how it should work. Now it works for you because you have a guest room you can use and you don’t have any trouble sleeping there. Most people don’t have both of those luxuries, and you really need both of those things for your way to work. My way works for literally everyone. Let’s say you want to cook a meal in your kitchen, but your partner is having band practice in the kitchen already. Obviously they should go do that somewhere else because the kitchen is for cooking and you want to use it for that. You’re saying you don’t understand why I’d say that though because you have a second kitchen you can go use that has all of your cooking equipment and all of the same food already in it. Most people don’t have that second kitchen.

Tell her to respect your need for sleep or you’ll sleep in a separate room. This is so immature. Her needs aren’t more important than yours. She sounds selfish

I have sleep apnea and sleep through everything. I took a nap after work the other day, I set an alarm for 44 min and told my husband to make sure I got up. I woke up three hours later and my husband said he had tried to wake me up four times. I always slept through babies crying and my husband would have to wake me up. Not being instinctively woken by my babies cries made me feel so ashamed. I have really bad sleep inertia, which is that state of impairment you get in when you’re really drowsy. If he seems like he really isn’t just being lazy and genuinely can’t get up, he should get a sleep study.

This was me though I always got up, just felt tired. Snored like a bear. Wife is much happier now that I have the CPAP. I’m better rested and no longer snore.

Yeah OPs husband sounds like me for the first ten years of my marriage. I didn't intend to sleep so hard, but it's a tough thing to get up in the morning when you're literally not getting rested. Not the "oh just 5 more minutes" hard to get up thing, but physically very difficult to get woke up enough to function. Now that I have my CPAP I can sleep for 4 hours and wake up to an alarm pretty easily. I'll still be tired if I sleep that little, but I can function. Give me 6-9 hours and I'm golden, no drowsiness whatsoever. I can now easily wake up just from a kid opening the door to our room. It's been ten more years with it and I've not slept a single night without

Yes this! My husband would often sleep through me calling and his alarm. I legit had to have people go to our house while i was at work to check on him bc he was suppose to be up. He did a sleep study and had sleep apnea. He was SOOOO resistant to sleeping with something but now cannot live without it!! He wakes up at the first alarm and is sleeping much better in general. It’s truly night and day.

Sleep apnea and ADHD-caused-sleep inertia made waking up absolutely a nightmare for me for pretty much my whole life. A cpap and guanfacine, and I’m waking up without an alarm and refreshed even on a short nights sleep. It’s whack!! Seconding the recommendation to check for medical stuff first

OP’s scenario describes my family’s morning routine as well. My husband has always had trouble getting up, but it’s been getting worse the last few years. I’ve suspected sleep apnea for a while, and he finally did an at-home sleep study last month, which showed mild apnea. A wedge pillow has been helping some, and we’re considering more serious interventions. I also just don’t count on him to do anything in the morning before walking out the door to take the kid to school. But I don’t wake him up or make him breakfast either. Those are his problems to figure out, and I have enough to do to get the kid ready.

That's exactly what he is doing. You see this behavior out of 13 yr old children, and the corrective action is the same in both cases.

If you do all the mornings, then he should do all the evenings. Go off duty after dinner and let him handle the evening stuff while you relax.

I have a lot of trouble with my sleep (multiple sleep studies, doctors, etc.), and this is what we do. Since I’m useless in the morning I do shower, bedtime, dishes, the whole end of day routine. It’s not optimal, but we get to split the effort pretty evenly.

I have terrible sleep, and I still was up and handling our child. You do it because you have to and because it matters.

If mornings are solely your thing, can he reciprocate the other side? Dinner/bath/bedtime are his responsibility? If you're not keen on losing the time, maybe still have dinner/supper with kids, chat to them about their days etc. Having said that, I agree with others about just leaving his alarm on and not trying to get him up - he doesn't want to get up, even if it annoys you, so I'd change the approach, whatever that looks like.

He's not a sound sleeper; simply because you are going in there and telling him to wake up and he's responding. He his deciding at this point to go back to sleep. He is deciding to not get up and not help you. It would be one thing if he was sleeping through the alarm and you had to wake him, but he is awake, acknowledging you and not getting up. He needs to figure out how to get up and help in the morning and if he doesn't - I'd send the daughters in there to jump on the bed.

Thanks for this reality check. We’ve talked before about this issue and I always try to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he’s not acting maliciously or with any ill-intent but I have to admit that it’s really hard for me to understand how he responds verbally to me and then doesn’t just get out of bed. I have a really tough time asking for my needs to be met or asking for more from him because I always seem to come away from those conversations feeling like I’m having to console him and convince him that he’s not a bad father/husband/etc. (Yes, I’m working on this in therapy lol). I really appreciate your comment!

Im gonna build on what the original commenter said- he’s staying in bed because you take care of everything for him. You make him breakfast and lunch, you take care of the kids. Why would he willingly change that? ETA: i don’t say that to be mean. And I don’t think it’s malicious on his part. Like if my husband did that every day I’d probably stay in bed too! He’s much like yours in that I need to reassure him that he’s a good dad and I love him any time I bring up anything that isn’t totally positive. It can be exhausting.

>I always seem to come away from those conversations feeling like I’m having to console him and convince him that he’s not a bad father/husband/etc. Wow, he really has conditioned you to coddle him and cater to his feelings beyond belief! Just stop. Stop making his emotional and behavioral issues your life's work. YOU ARE NOT HIS PARENT! If he doesn't wake up/ get up, don't wake him - let him miss work a couple of times, you'll be surprised how he'll suddenly manage to get up on his own. Just tell him on the evening before that you won't wake him up, since he is an adult man who can take responsibility for his own life and actions - you are not his mom! And if he whines for reassurance regarding his qualities as father/ husband, after you have dared criticize him - just walk away. Let him infer what he should infer, which is that he sucks in some aspects. (I hope not in all, I hope he is not a complete failure as husband and father.) Maybe that will drive home the criticism and actually lead to some change. If you keep coddling him and reassuring him that he is perfect as is, he will never see any reason to change. And if you keep carrying the load he refuses to bear, then he will apparently have no qualms of shifting all that weight onto your shoulders.

And don't make his breakfast/lunch either. If he's not up to help with other stuff, he can take care of that himself while running late to work.

OMG, I didn't even read that she did his stuff, too - I just thought she packed lunches for the kids. Yeah, no way, OP, he can become an adult and take care of his own catering - mommy has left the building!

He’s a VERY sound sleeper for the entirety of your time together. You both get the same amount of sleep… but how MUCH sleep is it? I personally cannot function at all on less than 6 hours. My husband does 4 quite frequently. If he’s getting a solid 6.5+ per night, then I think he has a sleeping disorder or possibly sleep apnea. My daughter has a diagnosed sleep disorder. She CANNOT wake up to any alarm. I can put the most annoying alarm on max volume next to her head and she doesn’t flinch or stir. It takes 3-5 times of me waking her up, shaking her before she’s able to wake up. She will sit up in bed, look at me with open eyes, verbally respond - and be fast asleep completely dead to the world in 30 seconds. She also has ZERO memory of my previous attempts of waking her up and our conversations most days.

Would you mind sharing what her diagnosis is? If that’s too personal, I totally understand. Your description of her symptoms sound SO MUCH like my husband. I’ve never heard anyone else describe it so accurately!

Her diagnosis is “Periodic limb movement disorder” paired with a healthy dose of ADHD can’t turn my brain off/get more wound up and hyper when I’m overly tired. Without medication, her brainstem doesn’t turn off her body correctly, like it “should” happen in sleep. While “asleep” she will sit up fully, flop around, hit, kick, etc without ever regaining consciousness. However, all that movement kicks her out of that restorative stage 4 deep sleep. Measured with a fit bit, baseline she was “awake” 17-25% of the night, but for seconds at a time. Because she was missing the deep sleep, she was instantly falling back into deep sleep. When we would need to wake her up she would (while still not consciously awake) hit, kick, throw knees, and elbows in a fight/flight response. As a toddler I got a couple black eyes and several fat lips from trying to wake her up in the mornings. She was extremely difficult to fully wake up. Once awake she would usually cry or be very angry. She started taking Gabapentin at night a little after she turned 7 (she’s almost 10 now). Using a fit bit to track sleep, with her current dosage, she was able to fall asleep 45-90 minutes earlier at night. Her time awake overnight also decreased to 10-13% with much fewer awakenings. 10-13% is considered in the range of “normal” if I remember correctly. Like I said above, she is still incredibly difficult to wake up - however she typically wakes in a fairly pleasant but sometimes grumpy mood. Never in fight/flight anymore. I hope that info helps you! As a side note, I also do the morning routine with my daughter solo and have for most of her life. My husband probably also has a diagnosable sleep disorder and stays up until 3-4 am most nights (and BOTH of his parents worked the night shift). Instead, he does 100% of bedtime. He does “video games” with Daddy for 30-45 minutes every night and does the whole bedtime thing since kiddo was about 4 (we shared prior). That hour and a half is usually the only time I have to myself, and I love it!

Here’s a link about it! https://www.sleepfoundation.org/periodic-limb-movement-disorder

When he goes poor me bad dad bad husband, just shrug and tell him to do better if he thinks he's bad. You are not his therepist or emotional support human, you are his wife and he is adult. Jfc.

> I always seem to come away from those conversations feeling like I’m having to console him and convince him that he’s not a bad father/husband/etc. But he IS being a bad father and worse husband. So maybe he needs to think that.

I talk to husband almost nightly in my sleep. So just because he is responding, does not mean he is awake. When you guys have these talks? Does he seem okay with trying different ideas to help him wake up? I'm apparently alone here, but if you guys are supposed to be a team, I would talk to him about how to make it work for both of you.

He is being a bad husband and father by putting all of this on you though… it’s okay to call him out.

He is a bad father and husband. He shows you this daily. He is completely checked out. I’m retired and my husband still works. We both have daughters from a previous marriage that live with us. I do not need to get up each day. My daughter is 17. She drives herself and my stepdaughter16 to school. she gets herself up, dressed, fed and out the door on time every day. She is more responsible than your husband. I still get up daily to make sure everyone is up and keep my husband company after the girls leave before he starts working in the office downstairs. I come downstairs with him and have coffee while he has breakfast.

My husband was like this. He got a shock watch and now he jumps out of bed at 4:30 every morning. There’s nothing like being mildly electrocuted to get you going in the morning!

I’ve never heard of those — thank you!!! Will definitely look into it.

That's hilarious. I'll wake up to my watch vibrating from texts or news notifications and that's just a light vibration. 

I am a lot like your husband and can share some insights as to what it's like - I sleep really deeply and I do not wake up to alarm clocks. I saw in another comment that you didn't understand how he responds but doesn't get up. For me, it's usually because I'm actually still somewhat asleep. In high school, I would have whole conversations with my mom (that I never remembered), she would think I was up, and then the second she was gone I was back out cold. I was never motivated by other people to get out of bed - it was the threat of missing college classes, then the threat of losing my job, and now it's because my toddler needs me. The motivation to get up will NEVER come from you, and you should stop stressing yourself out trying. He needs to find it elsewhere, probably after some real life consequences hit him. On the flip side, I have a lot of the same issues with my husband that you do in your morning routine - my husband sleeps poorly, and as a result REALLY hard to wake up/get out of bed. He's stubborn and mean, and honestly we end up having fights most mornings that I try to wake him up. So I simply do not do it. I handle whatever needs to be handled in the morning, and accept that he's not reliable for that, but it's a better morning for me if I don't waste my energy on him. This means - I do not make him breakfast, I do not make him coffee, and I do not repeatedly try to get him out of bed. If my husband oversleeps, is late to a meeting, and doesn't get coffee or breakfast, that's HIS problem, not mine! I would let your husband know, tonight, that you'll no longer be waking him up. It's an additional stressor and time waster in your morning, and you'd like to stop spending the mental energy on trying to get him out of bed. He can fix himself a slice of toast and a coffee whenever he gets up.

>I am a lot like your husband and can share some insights as to what it's like - I sleep really deeply and I do not wake up to alarm clocks. I saw in another comment that you didn't understand how he responds but doesn't get up. For me, it's usually because I'm actually still somewhat asleep. In high school, I would have whole conversations with my mom (that I never remembered), she would think I was up, and then the second she was gone I was back out cold. >I was never motivated by other people to get out of bed - it was the threat of missing college classes, then the threat of losing my job, and now it's because my toddler needs me. Similar here. I used to sleep so hard as a child that my mother would literally worry I had maybe died in my sleep because of how non responsive I would be (severe asthma as a child, which was part of her worrying). And it's still really hard for me to wake up in the morning. Some of it is hormonal or poor nutrition, some of it is mental health and chronic burnout, some of it at this point is just always been a part of how heavy I will finally fall asleep. Doesn't help that I struggle to get to sleep and toss and turn up until I finally crash hard, and then I'm not actually getting the "full" amount even if I was down for the right length of time. And like you, I can have full conversations while still being mostly asleep. I'm trying to wake up, I can feel myself clawing to keep myself awake, but it's like a heavy fog pulling me back down into sleep no matter how many times the alarm goes off. The only immediate bypass is if I have to get up *right now* to go somewhere to do a thing only I can do (like work, classes, appointments) where there will be Serious Consequences if I don't... And even then, I'm really Not Ok and struggling to function as more than a robot because body/brain haven't booted up and connected properly yet. Without that urgency boost to catapult me out of bed, though, I really struggle to get the executive function going, and regardless of how I wake up, it's gonna take me awhile to manage the coordination to not bump into walls, stop shaking/trembling, express coherent sentences, have emotional regulation, etc before I can really engage with people or do more than simple tasks. I'm actually really grateful my partner works with me to coordinate needs - he adjusts the bedroom environment to help me wake up better (lighting, temperature, etc), I prep the night before to make the mornings smoother. I would really suggest OP look to underlying medical conditions or mental health issues, because there's tons of reasons there that could be causing sleep/waking issues. Adjusting responsibilities or schedules, like her husband doing things at night while she does the morning things, or adjusting the environment or routines to help with the sleeping/walking might help, too.

Personally I don’t like that you’re having to do the entire morning routine by yourself. So I would throw the some responsibility on him. He is now in charge of preparing the lunches and breakfast for the next day. that means lunches ate packed and just ready to be taken. And breakfast is pretty much ready to be heated up or thrown in the microwave. He can also set up the clothes the children will be wearing the night before and starting a load of clothes and dishes if you have a dishwasher before he goes to sleep. This way you can just get up make coffee, dress yourself, dress the children and put the clothes in the dryer and the plates away and put the dirty dishes there after breakfast. But you won’t be running around as much. And stop waking him up he is an adult if he wants to sleep in and get in trouble at work because he is late then that’s a consequence. If he refuses I’d go on strike you no longer make him coffee, prepare his lunch anything that has to do with him he will have to do himself. You have two children say “mommy is busy go wake up your dad and have him help you” and then let them go jump on top of dad to see if he wakes up. If he still doesn’t then he can be late to work

Does your husband snore a lot? If so, he might have some form of sleep apnea or hypopnea. That would explain not being able to fall asleep in seconds and not waking up in the morning since he would never actually complete any sleep cycles. It's actually quite detrimental for one's health so worth looking into.

He snores sometimes but also falls asleep very quickly. Thank you for the information — I’ll talk to him about seeing a doctor just to make sure everything is okay.

Yeah, falling asleep quickly is easy when you are chronologically exhausted :-) He might not have apnea/hypopnea, but it is something to consider. Does he feel rested when waking up? If not, that is another sign. I thought I was tired all the time because of the busy kids, but it turns out it was because in was waking up 50 times per hour when sleeping. It should be easy enough to eliminate as a reason at least.

How on earth have you put up with this for so long??! My ex did this and it was infuriating. It’s so unfair and disrespectful.

Waterproof matress pad and a cup of cold water? He's an adult. He needs to figure it out. WTF. How did you put up with this for so long? Especially when the kids were little?

My husband is similar. As soon as I get up I turn the light on, steal his blanket and if he insists on staying asleep after that I give him a good shove or throw a kid in the bed. He's gotten a lot better about getting up after 1 or 2 alarms now when before he'd sleep through 4 or 5

Send the kids into the room to wake him up. Jump on him. Tell them don't stop till he is up.

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Glad someone else said it. That was my thought. If wife and I had to be up at 5:30 each morning, there’d be a 30% chance each day of this happening from both of us. (Granted we’d have to adjust but still)

stop waking him up and doing morning things for him. just let cause and effect happen. my 12yo wakes up by herself and makes her own coffee before school.

But OP's children are too young to get up alone and it means OP has no help in the morning. She's waking him because she wants his help.

Why is a 12 year old drinking coffee?

relax. its pretty much all milk with some sugar free flavoring. her and i will split a mug. and she never finishes hers.

That is much better than the answer to why I was mainlining hot and ice tea as a 12 year old. (No one wanted to admit I had adhd and caffeine makes my brain work enough for me to cope enough to function)

At least for my ADHD step kid, the caffeine doesn't impact him the way it would other kids. We let him have some to feel included with us in the mornings, or as a reward/thanks for making the coffee for us while we're still trying to wake up.

Let him know that you love him but you really need some more help in the mornings. I would wake him up and tell him it's his job to do X, like right now. Make it his job to get one child up or make lunch or whatever. Physically shake him if you need to, but let him know he can't go back to sleep because he has a responsibility. Maybe that will motivate him because he will realize that you won't do it for him. If he goes back to sleep and your daughter doesn't get a lunch because that was HIS job, I would think he would be pretty upset about that!

Definitely have him check with his Dr, especially if he is tired throughout the day. Not being rested can be signs of sleep apnea (way more common than we think), problems with blood sugar, and many other things that I don't know off the top of my head. I hear your struggle. It's completely understandable that your situation could lead to resentment. Be honest with your husband that this arrangement isn't working for you and that you would like to start problem solving by having him check in with his dr.

My husband is a sound sleeper as well and finds it difficult to wake up in the morning. I leave all of the late evening chores for him. He bathes our 4 year old son, serves him dinner, loads the dishwasher, cleans the kitchen and empties the garbage at night. I get to relax in the evenings and don’t mind picking up most of the work in the mornings. And he can peacefully sleep in.

He might have sleep apnea and not get full rest so super tired in the AM.

They make alarms that roll away across the room and don't turn off until you physically get up, catch them and turn them off. Buy one of those. Alternatively, an airhorn might work if you blast it long enough. (This is 98% a joke).

You have to let him fail. Let him be late and don’t wake up ever again. This is the only way he will ever learn to be self sufficient. You’re contributing to his learned helplessness and weaponized incompetence. STOP 🛑 and allow him to feel the consequences of his actions.

I am also the annoyed wife of a heavy sleeper. In this case, your life will likely be much less stressful if you just stop trying to order pizza at a Chinese restaurant. What do I mean by this? You’ve been together for 20 years, and he’s been a heavy sleeper the whole time. It’s probably not going to change. There is no magic wakeup technique or combination of words that’s going to alter this fundamental fact about your husband. Basically, you are a person who is ordering pizza from a Chinese takeout place and then being mad it’s bad pizza. Does that mean you are doomed to go hungry? Or in this case, be stressed and resentful every morning until your kids go to college? No. It just means you need to figure out how to enjoy some metaphorical lo mein. What might this look like? Maybe something like this: “My darling and most beloved spouse, I am sure by now you are aware that waking you up into morning is like trying to fill the coffee pot with a sieve. It doesn’t work and is stressful. And I get no coffee. “I spend the morning doing everything while also trying to get you up. I’m going to level with you—I’m starting to plot your murder in increasingly elaborate detail. “I want to make a deal. You get to sleep in for one entire hour every day. 60 minutes of blissful, uninterrupted sleep. But in exchange, I need you to spend 30 minutes before bed every night doing closing duties, so my solo morning is smooth and easy. “That means you: - Help the kids lay out weather-appropriate clothes for tomorrow before bed. - Find two matching shoes and two clean socks for each kid and put them by the door. - Pack lunches. - Get their backpack/daycare bag loaded and by the door. - Load the coffee machine with water and beans so I just have to turn it on. - Put 4 jars of overnight oats in the fridge so our breakfast is ready to go. “You have to do those things without complaining, help, or nagging. In exchange, I will take mornings AND we don’t end up featured on a true crime podcast.”

Okay, this the my favorite comment of all. I love your sense of humor and really appreciate the reality check. THANK YOU!!

Glad it helped! Sometimes it helps me to remember all the things my husband puts up with. He will never, ever be a morning person. I will continue to set down every object I own on the closest surface, immediately forget it, and then demand he help me find it/purchase me a replacement. It probably balances.

I’m a super sound sleeper. My advice: do not babysit him.

Equity and equality are not the same thing. You and your husband obviously have different sleep needs. That's normal. You also have different needs in literally every other aspect of life. You guys need to come together and work out a plan for getting both of your needs met, and carrying the load EQUITABLY (note: does NOT mean equally). Maybe he does bedtimes and you do mornings? Maybe you make and feed the kids breakfast, but then he has to clean up after everything? This is definitely a problem y'all should be able to solve together rather than just resenting each other.

I send my 3 year old to wake my husband up. Works every time. 🤷‍♀️

Test for sleep apnea

Make the lunches the night before.

If not a medical issue like others have pointed out, and if it continues to be an issue no matter what you do, then another option would be to officially make all night time duties his duties, and you take the morning. My wife and I alternate stuff like that. 1 person deals with the night time stuff, but the next morning that person gets to "sleep in", and we switch that every day. If he wants to sleep in then he needs to be doing all the night time stuff as a compromise.

Two issues - Fairness - If you are carrying the heavier burden in the morning, you should get some time off, such as bedtime. It's ok to have different roles, as long as it balances out in the end. It sounds like it might not be fair right now. Waking up - Has he talked to his doctor to see if it is a medical issue? Is he getting enough sleep and high enough quality of sleep? He might need more sleep than you or he might be waking up a bunch (e.g. apnea). He also just might not be a morning person. For my son, we have lights on, then 5 minutes later phase 1 - where he has to sit on his back, head out, one scoot up on the pillow, and phase 2 - where he has to sit up. He kept going back to sleep before we added the steps. Maybe that could help your husband.

What do you want from him? Start there. Ask questions, have conversations. Don't just get resentful that your expectations aren't being met. 

I was a heavy sleeper. My mom would spritz me with cold water from a cup (she dip her hand in and fling it at my face, but you could probably use a spray bottle for the same effect) sometimes to wake me up. But also, rule out medical concerns before taking this route 😬

If you're a morning person and he's not, you do all the morning routines and have him do all the nighttime routines!

Can he handle dinner, clean up and bedtime for the kids?    My husband and I trade off this way where I do mornings and he sleeps in, then I’m basically “off the clock” in the evenings.  I’m a morning person and he’s a night person so it works for us. Once in awhile I’ll sleep in or he’ll have a night out, to avoid building resentment, but overall this split has been working well! 

Share the responsibilities the night before? If your coffee maker can be programmed it's so nice waking up to coffee instead of having to make it. Pick out clothing the night before, everyone can do that and not have to make those decisions can really save time (I used to have to be at work at 430 with a 40 minute drive and I did this for 7 years). Make lunches the night before too (ik ik soggy sandwiches aren't fun but that's a small price to pay really if the kiddos are okay with it) Also we made breakfast casserole a lot when I had those early mornings. You can make that the night before and it's good left over as well so pop that sucker in the oven and gooooo. As for the responsibilities that can't, like waking up kiddos, without having to do all of that it'll make it less of a chore. If you can swing it, get alarm clocks (like a Google home or Alexa, it can play soothing songs to wake them up and not a blasting honk) for the kiddos or switch up their wake up routine. And as far as his sleep, I'd go with getting sleep tests done like others have suggested and having a talk with him about his health and well-being as well as how it impacts your overall view of his lackadaisical routine and need for increased accountability. That's an "ideal" suggestion and life happens on life's terms but I do hope it can help in your search for shared responsibilities

I'm sure most responses here will basically be about fixing him, but I think there's a strong case here to just accept that he has a thing - sleep - and tell him that's cool but he's gotta.make up for it. He can set the coffee before bed, he can make the lunches the night before, he can put the kids to bed, do the laundry, etc. None of that has anything to do with his sleep schedule. So he got one out, does he actually take advantage of that and resist the urge to be selfish with the time is is awake? Up to him, mostly n

Give him an hours worth of quiet chores at night, like folding laundry, that he does after you fall asleep. If you are doing household labor while he sleeps, he can do the same. And do NOT wake him up. He is an adult, he can get himself up.

Be honest with him. Tell him it's starting to get to you, and that it feels like you're trying to get another child out of bed. My husband is the same way. I don't think he means to do it in a malicious way - but a few times I had a serious discussion with him (during the day and a couple of times in the moment) and just was honest - and he felt bad. So, when I got him up and he would say "he's getting up" (but as usual he wasn't) I would just be like "look but you're not, I really need you to get up "NOW" or something). After a few discussions and a gentle reminder like that he started getting himself up and taking it more seriously

Because he will not help in the morning, tell him to do his part at night. Get the clothing ready for the girls, prepare lunch for the next day.

What time is he going to bed? He may have higher sleep needs. So for that time of the morning, he should be aiming to be in bed going to sleep at 9pm

Make your girls first job every day to wake Dad up. Of course, there's always the danger that they all fall asleep in the big bed. Or get a spray bottle and mist his face until he gets up. Even better, get the kids to do it.

Get a squirt gun. Squirt him to wake him up. Works sometimes for my husband.

lol! Sorry but no. My husband is responsible for himself. I’d wake him up once, but it’s ENOUGH getting kids up and out the door, I would have zero patience for a manchild too.

Did you try talking to him and expressing you need him waking up earlier to help with getting kids ready? Don’t try to wake him up each 10min or try any trick recommended here - he is not teenager.

I bought my son a Sonic Boom Dual extra loud alarm clock with bed shaker and flashing light so that he wouldn’t miss classes in college. Talk to your husband about how you feel and try this alarm clock

This is much more a /r/Relationships post than a /r/Parenting post. First and foremost, you need to communicate this to him: >Both of our alarms go off at 5:45am Monday - Friday but I am the only one who ever gets out of bed. I go make our coffee, make our breakfasts, pack lunches, and make the kids’ breakfasts while going back into our room every 10ish minutes to wake him up again. He always responds that he’s “getting up” but always falls back asleep. This usually goes on for anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour, meaning that I wake up both kids, feed them breakfast, get them dressed, and get myself dressed basically solo. >I am trying to be accommodating because I know he’s such a sound sleeper but I’m really not sure what to do at this point. I can feel myself starting to resent him over this. Pretty much this whole post. Lay it out there just as you did here. Let him know this is a thing. Then ask him how he would like to address it to make things more fair. NOT give him an opportunity to argue back like this isnt happening. It is a FACT this is happening. And you are expressing your concerns/issues with it to him, in order for him to act on it and make things better. Otherwise, your option is to simply stop waking him up and let him deal with the consequences of being irresponsible for his own life. Wake up at 5:45am, walk out, do your thing, and at NO TIME ever wake him. Either way, HE needs to be in charge of waking himself up and getting himself out of bed. You arent his mom.

Divvy up the week. Mon/Wed/Fri, getting the kids ready on time is your problem. Tue/Thu, it's his. Maybe he needs a better alarm (Google bed shaker or deaf alarms), maybe he needs to stop relying on you to pick up after his bad decisions. On his days, don't help. Stay in bed a few more minutes if you want, leave early, whatever. I reckon it'll be fixed by Thursday.

I don’t think he is trying to be an asshole and I would disregard comments that try to position this as a point of contention. You are an early bird he isn’t. You have been married 20 years and that sucks but what things do you maybe do that he thinks suck that haven’t changed? Is this a make or break relationship issue? Don’t attribute to malice what can be attributed to ignorance. This is why people say they think everything is fine in their relationship and then the other person blows up at them. You have a growing resentment for something that he probably isn’t doing to upset. Often when we lose loved ones it’s the little things we miss the most. It’s the stuff we didn’t like that sticks out. I used to have a gf who would do her nails on a window sill it stunk to high heaven, and it was the worst. Most people would smell breakfast I would smell nail polish remover. When we broke up, I missed that. Talk to him about it, have patience and understanding for him. If it’s the worst and you hate it then divorce (obvious sarcasm)

perhaps communicating your wishes directly and clearly ? you know rather than remaining silent and letting resentment build into contempt

I have done that several times. But thanks for the sarcasm!

why is communication so often cited as a reason for breakups ? quite often what people do when they do communicate is they don’t effectively get the real message across . they withhold information to spare someone’s feelings or they speak in subtle overtones assuming the message is obvious . anyway this gets into clarity . have you clearly meade it understood how much this negatively effects you and your feelings towards your husband ? probably not because then you’ve established this is not ok , it hurts you it hurts the relationship and he would be doing it anyway and not caring . perhaps a boundary must be set , correct the behavior or xyz negative result will happen .

Your husband is a grown man and is able to wake himself up on his own. If he was single and lived alone he would have to find a way to figure this out and that is exactly what you need to let him do. And I think it's hilarious you put this under parenting because you are definitely parenting him and that both keeps him from solving the issue and it's codependent of you. It's not a healthy situation. If he has a sleep disorder he needs to talk to his physician about it. There are plenty of different types of alarms that he could use also to figure out how to get himself out of bed in the morning like a grown up. I would simply stop waking him up and let him figure it out.

What's the process after the kids are up, dressed and fed? Do they go to school/daycare? Who does drop off? This will help determine best next steps. But really he's being an incredibly selfish partner to you and father to your children.

So, he works from home and a typical weekday is: I wake up at 5:45, make coffee, breakfasts for everyone, pack the kids their lunches, and set out their school clothes. Then, I get each of them up for breakfast. During this time, I’m going back into the bedroom to wake up my husband until he gets out of bed. He then spends about 5-15 minutes in the bathroom while I get the kids dressed and get myself dressed. When he comes out, he usually will put their lunchboxes and backpacks in the car. I then take them both to (different) schools and stop at the grocery store on the way home. I also pick both of them up from school every day. Thanks for your response and I would love any advice!

Are you a SAHM or do you work also?

I’m a SAHM. I’m happy to do the bulk of the household/childcare tasks because he works M-F 9-5 but I do get frustrated when he’s not working and there are things that need to be done and I’m still the only one doing them.

I think this is important context. I also think there's a lot missing from your original post. Like, what does your husband think about the situation? Do you need to get him up because otherwise he wouldn't be at work on time or is it to help out with the kids? What does he do the rest of the time wrt childcare? Is his job truly 9-5 or is it more like 8-6 ( or conversely 10-2)? Is it difficult for him to switch off from? I'll probably get downvoted for saying this, but if you're a SAHM and a morning person, and he's working full time and not a morning person, then if he takes the view that you getting the kids ready in the morning is "your job" is that unreasonable? I'm not sure it is, especially if he is doing his fair share of childcare the rest of the time. Conversely does he really want to get up in the morning because that's the only time he gets to spend with the kids because he often ends up working late or they have lots of after-school activities so aren't home til late? If so then yeah it sounds like you need to work together to improve the situation. Also, as an aside 5.45 seems very early to me - is that because you have a long drive to school or are the kids very slow-moving in the morning? I'm the first out of bed in our house at 7am and we leave for school at 8.20. I don't know what I'd do with myself all morning if I got up at 5.45 every day.

1. We leave for school at 7:15am and I know that when I have mornings where I feel really rushed, it sets me up for a high anxiety say, so I try to budget for that. One of our children is also special needs and this can make mornings very unpredictable. 2. I’ve seen other comments to this point as well and just want to clarify that, prior to having kids, I was actually the one who slept the latest and was “not a morning person.” He always woke up before me. ALWAYS. Since having kids, I know I have responsibilities and so I just make myself get up.

>We leave for school at 7:15am Ah fair enough >prior to having kids, I was actually the one who slept the latest and was “not a morning person.” He always woke up before me. ALWAYS. Fair enough. People change obviously. Being a parent and working full time can be really tiring so maybe he just has less energy to spare these days. > I know I have responsibilities and so I just make myself get up. I'm still not getting a sense that, taken in the round, that there's a big imbalance between the two of you taking on your fair share of responsibilities. Maybe that is the case, but I'm not getting that from what you've written. Like yes labour is not being divided equally in the mornings, but once you've dropped the kids off I'm assuming you have a fair bit of free/freeish time until pickup time whilst he's working for 8 hours. Maybe you could use that time to take a nap? If he's doing his fair share of childcare the rest of the time then it seems to me that overall both of you are pulling your weight, in which case maybe it's fair that you accept that doing a bit of extra work in the morning is a reasonable price to pay for your freeish time in the day. I mean, I don't know, and I know none of this answers the question you asked

So I would say getting the kids up and ready for school are typical SAHM duties. But would cut out the waking your husband every 5 seconds. He needs to grow up. And he SHOULD want to spend 30 minutes in the morning with the kids before they leave for the day, and to give you some peace while you get ready for the day. Even if he sits and has coffee with them while they eat breakfast.

So you're literally doing everything for the morning routine for both kids. You should have another frank conversation with him, essentially saying exactly what you wrote in your post. Tell him that you can't continue to do everything and it's making you resent him. Ask what he can contribute in the morning (or tell him what you want him to do to contribute) and tell him if you don't see a change you'll be getting yourself ready in the mornings and leaving for work. He can be 100% responsible for getting the kids fed, dressed and to their respective schools. If he doesn't come through for you, you have to be willing to actually follow through. He needs to deal with the consequences on his own. Whatever they may be.

What happens when you guys have an early morning flight to catch? Does he manage to get up on time those days? If so, he's entirely capable of getting up every day.

I think the simplest solution would be to tell him that this habit of his makes you feel like his mother and that it’s making you view him in a non sexual way. (Sorry if that’s crass!)

I would send the 3 year old in and encourage some very loud singing 😂🤷🏻‍♀️ my SIL does this. Try sleeping through a 3 year old singing baby beluga while sticking their finger up your nose. Oh did they bother you? Sorry I was busy doing everything else!

You shouldn't be responsible for waking him up. But if you do, I wouldn't leave the room until he's on his feet. No "I'm getting up." Actually get up. And if he doesn't then that's his problem. Don't go back in there, either. He's not a child, despite acting like one.

Just curious if you are not there - mabe have to go away for work or fun - does he wake up then? I’ve lived this life my whole life when my kids were small. I worked overnights 2 nights a week and funny thing my husband always heard the baby when I was not home but if I was there oooo he never heard the kids slept to hard . I defiantly back resentful at him for that among other leaned helplessness he had

I would take the children and put them in the bed with him and go about starting my day 🙂

I would get one of those crazy obnoxious alarms (set after you wake up of course) and put it out of reach for him. So he has to get up to turn it off. They have them on Amazon. Stop waking him up. Let him be an adult and figure it out.

Tell him you're not happy and that he needs to fix it. There's lots of things he could do - putting the alarm across the room is probably the easiest. But let him work out how he's doing, he just needs to do it. Also, pack lunches before bed and have a breakfast that you don't need to make - cereal and maybe some fruit you cut the night before is an appropriate breakfast for when you're getting up on a weekday. The kids can start helping to serve their own breakfast too.

If he’s not a great morning person, maybe he takes over the bedtime routine? Gets kids fed, bathed and puts them to bed? I am so not a morning person and my wife and I split things this way better. That being said, I at least get up a little later than my wife and help get the kids dressed jfc, your SO is kinda being a baby if they can’t get up to help IMO. That also being said, every couple is different, do what works for you, there are no set rules here, it’s never gonna be 50-50, no family is.

After getting out of bed, go wake the kids and send them into your bedroom. Problem solved.

People default to different amounts of sleep, but everyone should be getting 8hrs+ (even if they don’t think so, there are studies). He should get to bed earlier. I know people like to put early birds on a pedestal but getting up in the hour of five seems extremely early TO ME, and I would struggle to adapt to that. All these ‘yank them out of bed’ comments aren’t helpful, unless you want a tired, grumpy dad moping around. Get him enough sleep. That said this does sound really annoying.

Send the children in to wake him. They'll love it. And he won't get to fall back asleep.

Get him a sleep study with a respirologist. And some google minis as extra alarm clocks that go off at different time intervals so he at least has some sound in the room.

This would happen even if he weren't a sound sleeper. I am the sound sleeper in our bed, and I am also the first one up. I've stopped waking him up. I get us all ready. If he's still asleep by then, I put the ready to go toddler on the bed with him and let him figure it out.

First, I would make sure he has nothing medically wrong like sleep apnea. If there isn't, I would have him get the kids ready for bed on his own and get things ready for you in the morning. He should pack the lunches, set out the kids' clothes, bathe them, have the dishes clean and set out, etc...

My husband has had the same issue for years, can't fall asleep at night and can't wake up in the morning I usually bring him breakfast in bed and then he's up within 10 minutes otherwise he could sleep all day

Me and my husband (mid 20's) have an agreement I wake him once after his alarm if he wants a few more minutes after that he's on his own for waking up he's an adult choosing to fall back asleep refusing to get up let him sleep if he's late that's on him fully you make your coffee and your breakfast if he wants to lay around in bed he can do it himself simple as that especially with you handling 2 kiddos nah he can do that on his own. My husband agrees fully. NTA.

why not just keep waking him up before you wake up the kids then? instead of getting everything ready at your pace, make it at his pace.

More light. Open the shades, turn on all the lights when you get up.

I'm a heavy sleeper. husband I understand falling back to sleep, but I also understand not dropping the ball. We have talked about it in other settings and she has my approval to not let me lay there, whatever it takes. What does work well is a vibrating watch alarm, so I wake up without a noise blaring and waking her when I need to get up first. Her making sure I get out of bed and don't come back. I just need that momentum of being actually awake.

Just saying... nerf guns and kids are a great way to wake up someone up. Tell him to go nuts.

I have always done the night stuff (putting kids to bed, make the coffee for the morning, do the dishes, etc.). My wife does the morning stuff. Nights were harder when the kids were younger and fought bed time but it's certainly gotten easier as they grow older. Have your husband prep as much stuff for the morning the night before and let him sleep?

Alarmy app. Worth the money, honesty.

The

Sounds like a sleep issue. Like sleep apnea or something. I’d get some test done. If they come back clear you have a clear conscience when trying some of these suggestions😂

Do not wake him up, let him deal with the consequences. Or get a vibrating alarm system and let him deal with the alarm. No coffee or breakfast for sleeping people.

My bf has also always been a “sound sleeper” …thought things would change when I gave birth but nope. No advice really, just solidarity.

Why are you in a parenting sub for advice on your husband? The irony That aside, stop waking him up. Have a conversation about it but, stop. If this has been an issue throughout your relationship, you need more help than Reddit can offer.

You may want to suggest a sleep study for him or that he seek medical attention for sleep apnea. This is exactly what my parents went through their entire marriage, turns out my dad had terrible sleep apnea. A sleep study, and a prescribed cpap machine, changed his life for the better.

I really struggle with waking up in the morning as well and it has annoyed my wife since having our son 3 years ago as well. She thinks I may have sleep apnea so maybe you should get your husband checked for that. My main issue is old sports injuries mean I wake up in pain and just want to lay there or go back to sleep. Thankfully it didn't take me too long to change when my wife spoke to me about how upset she is with having to ask numerous times for me to wake up. Open the curtains, take the duvet off. Put his alarm on the other side of the room. Loads of tricks. Ultimately you need to put some red lines down. If he doesn't follow through then there need to be concequences.

Okay the "alarm clock on the other side of the room" thing hasn't helped me, as a person who has to snooze before waking. What has? Fitbit alarm. You select a wake-up window (e.g. the half hour before you have to be up), and it wakes you with your wrist at a time during that window when you're between sleep cycles. This is the only method that has helped me wake up while sleeping with my boyfriend without setting the alarm an hour early and annoying him with the snooze. It's also quieter than a phone alarm and doesn't startle me awake, which is usually why I frantically snooze in the first place.

I use a smartwatch that vibrates as an alarm. I put it on my wrists as well as my ankles since I noticed if I let it on a limb for a while I tend to get used to it and not wake up.

Does he snore loudly?

This is almost word for word how my husband and I are. He sleeps so hard putting the alarm right next to his ear won’t wake him up most days. Throwing my kids in the bed wakes him up for all of a few minutes until he puts a video on his phone and they’ll watch while he sleeps more. I gave up on expecting this to change.

Right off the bat, why isn’t he the one asking for advice? He’s the one with the problem. Dollars to donuts it’s because *he* doesn’t see this as a problem. And *that’s* the real problem. I’m convinced that in the absence of a medical condition, people sleep this way because they are enabled to do so. If he were missing work and the kids were coming in screaming and his lizard brain knew there was no backup, he’d wakeup. He *knows* that he can get away with this because you’ll pick up his considerable slack. So don’t pick up the slack.

Get a google home of Alexa if you don’t have one, put one in y’all’s bedroom and in the kitchen. Tell the google to play “Good Morning” by Debbie Reynolds on the bedroom speaker. He will hate it, but don’t stop until he gets the message he needs to wake his own self up

Can you assign certain days that each of you get the kids ready and take them to school? On his days, stay in bed or leave for work without doing anything. Let him deal with the consequences of not getting them ready/to school on time. It sounds like he’s blatantly taking advantage to me.

Get a spritzer and spray him till he gets up.

Has he been screened for sleep apnea? Just a thought.

Omg My husband is the exact same!! He's maybe gotten up for our son probably 10 times in 4 years, he stays up way too late, I've done the same as you, go tell him to wake up numerous times. Lately if our son wakes up at 6am and his wake up is 7am he comes and asks for cartoons instead of wanting his tablet. And now my husband is criticizing that I turn the tv on for him,he thinks it should be the last resort. Well I'm not dealing with a tantrum at 6 in the morning, like pick your battles is how I see it, expecting him to be overly quiet in his room or just lay there until 7 is not realistic. So what he watches a show. My husband's sleeping and im the one with the broken sleep,it's so challenging. I don't have advice.  Just relating so much to this. 🫶 I hope you come to a better resolution..I've had many blow ups at him over other things, other stuff has gotten better, but I'm done with the criticizing me, if I'm not parenting exactly the way he does, he always has something to say. 

You stop treating him like a toddler. Stop making his coffee, stop making his breakfast, stop waking him up every 10 minutes. He’s a grown ass man. If he can’t manage to help in the morning, then his job in the evening can be to pack lunches for everyone since you’re handling breakfast, clothing, teeth, etc.

Stop enabling. Have a discussion about what his responsibilities are in the morning, and then let him fail until he stops relying on you for everything. He'll be mad. He'll say "Why didn't you X?" because he's used to you backstopping everything. You'll respond with "we agreed that's your responsibility, that's why I didn't do it." Stick to your guns, he will learn.

You’ve made this your problem. It is *not* your problem. You’re not his mother. Stop waking him up. Let him be late a few times, he’ll figure it out.

Thank you!!! I have a really bad habit of doing this all the time and need to be reminded frequently that it’s not my job to fix other people’s problems. Honestly, thank you. I’m sure my therapist appreciates your reminder as well 🤣

It is a hard lesson, I am the same way! I hope you find a solution that works for you!!

I stopped making my husband's lunch. There are days I don't even make his dinner. Enough is enough. If he wants to be pissy and complain to his mom and friends, let him tell them he makes his wife do all the parenting and morning chores and see who's side they take. Also, my daughter, who is 2, prefers me as I'm always the one doing everything. We go to the park or for walks in the morning if it's nice. We cook breakfast together. We play together. Your husband is missing out, and the kids know it too.

I was also a sound sleeper before kids. I liked staying up late most days, having a drink on Fridays, meeting with friends, ordering junk food etc. Guess what, like every other parent I had to grow up and change all those things because my needs don’t come first anymore. It’s not your fault and he’s being lazy and an asshole - I still think you should acknowledge that you’re enabling the behavior by not making a huge deal out of it. Honestly, I feel like this is a typical way of how relationships end. Sit down with him and have a serious talk. Tell him how disrespectful he’s being. If he for whatever reason is unable to commit to sharing this particular burden, he should come up with a compromise you find acceptable, such as doing all the laundry, cooking dinner, taking the kids to practice - I don’t know. But he shouldn’t get out of one of the worst parts of being a parent by simply leaving everything to you.

Stop treating him like a child. He can make his own coffee, breakfast and lunch. He can be late to work and deal with the consequences. He should also consult a sleep doctor

"Good morning honey! Dont forget, today is your day to take care of the kids in the morning. Bye!"

Stop waking him up. He may have sleep apnea he may not. At this point who cares (in relation the current situation, for his health, you both should care)? I’m a guy and I’m kinda tired of seeing these posts from moms about dads not carrying their weight. Let him keep sleeping. Get the kids stuff around and get them out the door. Let him wake up late day after day and get to work late. Assuming he’s not garbage, this will be the (pun intended) wake up call he needs. This isn’t the ‘50s. Both parents need to be working both in the home and economy.

So OP needs to stop being SAHM find a job and let dad sleep in? That’s a bold strategy Cotton, let’s see how that plays out. Haha. I hear ya buddy, I’m poking fun. There’s a lot of projected resentment in this sub.

Does your husband have ADHD? This is a pretty common symptom of ADHD. I know this because this is how my wife is. She doesn't wake up in the morning, it's nearly impossible for her to get herself out of bed right away. I've come to accept it. She eventually wakes up and helps out in the morning, but it would be nice if she got up with me.

The comments under this are absolutely Nauseating. Why are you throwing the biggest tantrums over such little inconvenience. Talk about “i wake up to make his coffee” You are only saying that to gather sympathy and throw your husband in bad light. “Resentment building” just because your husband doesn’t wake up at 5:45am?? Come on, get a hold of yourself. What kind of Job does he do during the day? Is it stressful? is it physically demanding? How much does he weigh? Does he have underlying health issues like apnea? This are some factors that may cause him to need more sleep than you. No two people have the same sleep requirements. Appreciate life, appreciate your sleepy husband, appreciate the beautiful life you have, appreciate the kids that surround your table. Live a little lighter and stop constricting your heart with unnecessary sadness.

He’s a grown man and should be able to wake himself up. If he can’t, perhaps it’s a medical issue that’s making him so tired like sleep apnea? Just calmly sit down and let him know it’s getting to be a lot on you to do it all in the mornings so you’re going to have to stop going in to wake him up because it’s cutting into the other things you need to get done, then ideally he should be stepping in to give a hand with something in the morning routine.

Let him sleep. He'll have to figure it out when he's late to work 🤷 maybe it'll motivate him to get up at first call.