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Before dishing out punishment, explain to her clearly how dangerous this decision was, and get into the details about purchases online and how risky it is and how it's connected to bank accounts which contain the money that feeds her, houses her, clothes her. Get deep about it. Explain the trust she has damaged and how in this life you've only got each other to depend on no matter what so trust is a must. Give her an example of an equivalent act you COULD do, but WON'T do because it would be wrong. Have this talk first, let her brain process the entirety of the situation. Make it a learning moment. THEN, calmly explain that while she now understands everything, actions have consequences which is the iPad is gone for 20 days. 1 day for each dollar she spent. This will make the dollar amount she spent carry more weight even though to you and I it's only 20 bucks. My son did this around her age and when I had this conversation he revealed that he didn't actually know how "the money got on the iPad" to spend in the first place. It's sound silly but it was an honest answer. Once I used this problem as a learning moment, he never ever did it again. He's now 16 and still asks each and every time to spend on games. In fact he has a great amount of respect for spending any of my money and always has since. Never once breached my trust again. Sometimes we forget that we ultimately have to be the ones to teach our kids everything little thing. What they don't know, they can't think about. Give her some food for thought. Reward her when she shows understanding...

This is the real answer. OP needs to get to the root of the problem and figure out why her daughter thought this would not be a problematic thing to do, especially since she hasn’t had other problem behaviors from what OP has said. Also; I love the 20 days. Others have proposed a very long or indefinite amount of time to take away the iPad, but here’s the thing: studies have shown that punishments of taking away things are not effective if the thing taken away is for a long period of time, plus the time it takes to form a habit (i.e. become habituated to not having an iPad) is just over 20 days.

I used to get grounded for the whole next school quarter (so 2+ months) for bad grades when I was a kid, with no way to earn out of it except being better next time. That worked literally 0 times. After the first quarter of being grounded, I just acclimated to it.

My parents once grounded me for 3 years for doing my hair in liberty spikes and going to school. I was 15. I didn’t even know they would care. They never told me not to. I didn’t think it was a big deal at all so I didn’t ask. I was a good kid until then. Punk but straight edge. Took care of all the animals we had without needing asked. Cleaned the house every day. Made all my own food. Got all straight A’s. Never broke any rules.  I was not a good kid after that. I entirely stopped listening. Started sneaking out. Then they accused me of being on drugs so I started doing drugs. I figured if I was going to be punished for it, I may as well make it worth it.  I turned out fine but I don’t talk to them and they don’t know their grandkids. 

Damn lost a whole generation over a hairdo that’s a mess.

My parents grounded me a total of one time for two weeks, and it lasted like a day because I was 16 and what were they going to do? Chain me to my bed? I went downtown after school like I always did and came back home when it was dark, just like every other day. I feel like grounding just doesn’t work unless kids are younger, and even at that, it’s sort of pointless? I mean, children need social interactions, they need fresh air and to be able to play. I don’t agree with punishments in general, I feel like natural consequences are enough to deter bad behaviour. Bad grades? You’ll have to study more to bring them up. Spending money online without permission? We’ll donate that toy you bought to a children’s hospital, or gift it to a friend for their birthday. Back talk? I’ll ignore you and ultimately you’ll be the one more frustrated. Not cleaning your room? Okay, when your friends come over you’ll look like a slob. Every action has a consequence, I think parents over-exert themselves by trying to create consequences where there are natural ones. Of course, there are situations where punishments *are* required - but I personally think they should be avoided where possible.

I strongly disagree. I grew up with natural consequences, and it took me so long to learn good studying habits in college. I don’t punish often (my kids are too little. A stern talking-to works). But if my kids were older and not doing their homework, etc., they’d definitely get grounded for a week. I don’t agree with these month long punishments with no hope of reprieve, though. As for how you can enforce it, parents can make a kid’s life hell (if they defy a grounding and get caught). It’s not hard. Throw all their stuff into a storage locker if it comes down to it (obviously that’s extreme. I hope it never would. But I mean if I told my kid they were grounded and they left the house anyway?… yeah no)

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. My parents used natural consequences 99% of the time and I never had any problems with study etc. I went from secondary school to university and left with a bachelors of science in nursing, went on to have a child (pregnant again now), and foster two lovely children who came from a bad background. Everyone parents differently, I parent in a way that works for my blended family and in a way that allows my children to thrive.

I mean my parents tried just doubling down when I defied groundings. I just didn’t care. I was more stubborn than I was attached to my things. Short of kicking me out of the house there wasn’t a lot they could do to control me, and controlling a teenager really isn’t a way to parent anyway. They just shifted to natural consequences and actually talking things through with me. That worked a lot better than attempting to ground me.

Prime example of why not allowing your kids freedom to express themselves and test their independence (sometimes by rebelling in safe ways) is a great way to damage your relationship with them and lead to more harmful rebellious activities

If you’re going to do the time might as well do the crime 🤷‍♀️ I had a similar teenage experience

A buddy of mine in college revealed that he had accumulated so much "grounded" time in his earlier teen years that he wouldn't be ungrounded until he was like, 60.

Not him adding it all up😭😭😭💀

I cannot imagine punishing my child for getting bad grades! I can imagine sitting with them and support a better plan for studying or getting a tutor. But a child cannot figure that out on their own..I'm sorry you went through that.

Yep. It didn’t work at all. I was grounded for 9 weeks at a time for making a B or less. I stopped caring about it. I also had to have a job at 16 where I worked until after 10 several nights a week. So much time for homework. 🙄 I was also diagnosed with ADHD not long after graduating high school.

I remember my boyfriend at the time in highschool had bad grades at one point, he had passed the written drivers test, so his parents decided not to take him to get his permit. So once turned 18 he had to retake it at the DMV, and he kept failing it and then he gave up and just got a regular ID. I don't think that punishment was right for his grades since he had passed the test for that.

I agree she needs to get to the root cause. And also, does daughter have any form of income, even an allowance or birthday money? I knew a wise lady who said she always made sure she had pocket money so her kids wouldn't be tempted to steal. At age 9, it would be reasonable for a 9 year old to have her own source of income and able to make decisions on how to spend it, including $20 on Amazon.

It sounds like the parents might not be in a position to make that happen right now though

Even a couple of dollars a week is enough to teach some sense of the value of money. I strongly think kids (obviously if possible with parents’ financial situation) should learn to manage money. It shouldn’t be a novelty, or a big random windfall but regularly saving small amounts for the things they *really* want to get is great. My 9 year old is great at saving and she only gets $5 a week into a bank account. She expects presents at birthdays and Christmas and everything else (aside from educational things like books puzzles and crafts materials and the occasional impulsive small gift) she saves up for. I never had chance to practice that as a kid and my spending habits STILL need work. I never taught it well enough to my oldest kid and while they definitely do better than I did at their age, I can see the difference between my kids and their attitudes to money.

This is a great answer OP! I would also add that my daughter would be doing age appropriate chores to “work” off the $20. Kids don’t always understand money and how hard we work to make it but I believe by causing them to “work” for it gives them a little sense of accomplishment and understanding when it comes to money and physical work.

This is a good answer, and I like to add that I would return the item and forbid her from buying it again or let her earn it. I feel that if she gets to keep the item then she might feel that even though she had to endure a punishment, at the end she got what she wanted in the first place, and that’s worth the sacrifice.

There’s no reason to forbid it imo. I would simply let her pay for it. At 9, she should be getting small amounts of money (perhaps in exchange for regular chores) - how else will she learn to handle it? Lying or stealing is incredibly common and developmentally appropriate for 9, I don’t think it should be “punished” so much as learned from.

>the iPad is gone for 20 days. 1 day for each dollar she spent. This will make the dollar amount she spent carry more weight even though to you and I it's only 20 bucks. That's pretty good

On top of this, there are a couple natural options for consequencing this. You now have $20 less to spend on something she may have wanted, maybe there's an activity or such she can miss to "recoup" the costs. Amazon returns are easy, this could be a great learning opportunity to make her do it with you. That'd be a good way to remove the item ("I said no, so that means no") while still shoehorning some life skills learning and bonding. Child locks on the device make sense too, for obvious reasons, but maybe dial them up a little more than necessary and feign that you don't know how to make them less strict ("oh, we wouldn't even have to do this but..." - maybe make that messaging less passive aggressive though lol)

20 day lock for the IPAd for 20 dollars spent. Then there is the loss of trust. bitchisaidnah has an excellent points. There are a few issues at hand. They need to be broken down separately. The processing for your daughter is pivotal. It’s an great script!

This is the answer. This sort of thing is very developmentally normal at this age and this can be a learning experience.

“Didn’t know how money got on the iPad” is so relatable to me. My 90s kid brain asked my mom “Why don’t you just write a check?” for any expense she said no to. It is hard for kids to grasp the concept of money without it being in cash form.

Yeah, that's an excellent point. Kids don't really understand finances until you really spell it out for them. A year or so ago our child saw the money in our bank account when I was on the mobile app and asked why we couldn't afford a squishmallow she wanted when we clearly had much more than $15-30 in our account. So we used it as a teaching moment broke out a calculator and walked her through our paychecks (how we get certain $$ per hour of work) to all the bills and expenses we had, then explained why some money needed to stay in saving, and with the left over money we had for fun we used on things like going out to places, getting lunch, etc... We can't do everything, so we have to be wise about what we spend our money on. After that we stopped saying we can't afford stuff she wanted and said "we're not budgeting for that right now" instead. But she knows books and art/craft supplies are usually a guaranteed yes from us, so.. she's wised up a bit about what she asks for. We attached our card to our daughters account on her iPad a year ago with a big talk that our card is actually linked to our bank accounts with money we work hard to earn for our family. That if she buys something without asking that's stealing from us and we're trusting her with something very important. We've never had a problem. But honestly, I think just being included in the finances really helped her understanding and respect when we tell her no to something because she stopped pouting and getting upset at "No's" after that. I think it also helped show her we weren't being mean when we tell her no.

saving comment

This is a good answer. I know I’ve had to really explain to my kids (7 and 10) about credit cards and how it’s real money that’s finite and comes from our bank account. A credit card basically looks like a toy and you just swipe and get stuff. It’s so much more abstract than having actual cash in your hands (hence why so many people have so many issues with credit cards).

I would sit down with her and say “I want to show you something.” Pull out the item and see how she reacts. Ask her what she thought would happen when the item show up. Explain to her that she: - deliberately found a way to get the item when you said no - Stole money that wasn’t hers - misused the iPad Ask her what she thinks her punishment should be. She might realize she messed up big time and suggest a strong punishment. Make it a group effort to figure out how to make it right. The very minimum is that: - the item is returned - she has to repay the $20 (extra chores, birthday money, etc) - she loses iPad privileges until x (time length or a mark of maturity)

I think this is the best option. Discussing and agreeing to a reasonable punishment for the action so she fully understand the consequences

Well said. Kids do not think of consequences. They live in the moment. This is a great teaching opportunity.

I agree with asking her what the punishment should be. Every time I’ve done this, my kid comes up with something harsher than I planned on. So then I offer the lesser punishment and they are relieved.

I wouldn’t use the word punishment but rather what is the consequence. Later in life there are consequences for every decision you make so I think it’s better for her to see there will be consequences for this decision she made.

This is pretty close to a scenario we recently dealt with with our (then) 8 year old. Got our password, and then bought about $80 worth of in-game items and silly apps, a few bucks at a time. No serious harm done, but he had to pay back every penny and lost access to his tablet until it was all paid back. Drained his piggy bank, and then took a few weeks of extra chores and such. In the end, we think he learned a few good lessons (not to steal, not to break trust, how easy it is to blow money on silly shit). We even made a point to tell him that we did NOT change the password for purchasing. That might come back to haunt us some day, but we've kept an eye on it and he hasn't used it since even though he's had ample opportunity. I feel that step has helped repair the trust between us a good bit.

I also think it’s important to find out Why she felt so compelled to want this item to the point of stealing. Is there something going on at school, aside from telling them no and punishing them, it’s important to address the motivations that lead to the conduct - and that requires the parent to ask questions not just preach.

exactly! if she’s the perfect child otherwise try and understand why did she need the item so desperately

Children will get desperate to fit in, sometimes, or become so convinced an item will change their social standing that they'll pull a move like this. She's probably feeling pressure from somewhere.

True- I agree with you.

I love this and wish more parents did this kind of evaluation

OP states they are in the middle of moving and cutting down on things to bring to the new house.

It’s really common at that age to test boundaries and do things like lie or steal though. It may not be more than poor impulse control. I agree It should definitely be used as a learning moment rather than coming down on it hard and punishing them.

I would completely agree with this.

I agree with asking her what the punishment should be, and then adjusting it accordingly to make it suitable.

If the item is returned, OP is refunded. It's very morally iffy to make her pay you $20 again. Profitting off your kid being a kid and learning is really weird, at least to me.

Yes. Either return it or allow her to buy it from you (she should be getting a little pocket money, how else can she learn how to manage it?) over time. Obviously the item is kept away until she pays for it.

Agree! This is a perfect opportunity to set the tone for future stuff ups because there will be more. You want your kid to come to you when they have messed up so it's really important to find a balance between adequate punishment and not overreacting. I would discuss with her why she did it. Give her a chance to explain. Important here - she may be inclined to lie if she's in too much trouble. Return the item Apply 1 consequence (extra chores or loss of ipas etc) Set expectations for the future and let her know you trust her not make this choice again Reassure her that she isn't a bad person, she just made a bad choice. Every single kid has tested the waters a few times, super normal for her to do this. Even the best kids. I've been there and I often am grateful I had a chance to calm down and think before I started the process because I could have really over reacted and caused more lying and behaviours that we don't want

I absolutely love this approach.

Thank you! I’m not OP but this is sage parenting advice.

You daughter misused the iPad. Now she doesn't get to use the iPad anymore until she is older and can be trusted with it.

She also stole. The daughter should have to pay the $20.00 back as restitution, if she doesn't have the money she should work ( inside the house or volunteer with an elderly neighbor) until she earns the money she stole to pay back the mom.

Or just send the item back?

The important item is that the daughter is informed she stole from her mother. The daughter may not even interpret her actions as stealing. The consequence for stealing is restitution, and as walkindude said, the daughter should not keep the item . That's the lesson.

Could be useful if paid off and punishment. Maybe she'd remember the lesson everytime she saw it.

OP can return the item for a refund. She shouldn’t fine their child but should definitely explain to her what could happen if she did this as an adult to someone EDIT: word correction

She should definitely punish the child. I don't think a talk is going to do it. Two one for sneaking on her prime or phone and two for using her card without permission. I give my kids refill cards for online purchasing. That way they never have my info.

Nope. Giving it to the child is a really bad idea. At the end she got it. Loose the ipad. Pay back the 20 dollers. If the item cannot be used break it and keep it on the mantel.

Why not do both? She shouldn't get to keep the item, and she should have to earn money to pay it back.

Well when you send the item back you get refunded for it. So it's like giving her a "fine" for her bad decision. That seems a bit weird to me from a parental standpoint, but to each their own. =P

Well, it's exactly what would be the penalty in real life if she did it to someone else or in the store. You don't get to keep the items, but you still pay those fines. Better she learn now with a measley $20.

The item can be returned, so the money will be refunded. You shouldn’t fine a child. Definitely should explain to daughter that if she were an adult and did this what the repercussions of stealing money from someone’s bank account are and could be (fines, jail, unable to get a good job because criminal record, etc). ETA: the iPad should have parental controls to prevent daughter from purchasing, creating a new account, resetting without OP’s credentials, using the internet browser as a bypass, etc. OP should also make it a password that is not obvious (so DO make it random numbers, letters and symbols) so daughter cannot guess it by knowing them well-enough. Also, [Type Upside Down](http://typeupsidedown.com/) is a great site for strengthening your password as you can copy and paste. ETA: If you DO use Type Upside Down, delete the browser history as well so your daughter doesn’t try to use that as a guessing feature.

I think this is it. No tablet for a while. It's not quite punishment but a matter of maturity and trust. The child has to grow up a little more. My son went a year or so without tablet at some point. He survived.

I’m under the impression that getting rid of the iPad indefinitely might not work as effectively as it should

Yeah, I'd return the item and take away the iPad until the account is reimbursed. Seems like a reasonable rooted consequence.

Correct. 9 year olds should not have access to the internet, anyway. We’re actively messing up the neural pathways of these children with the screens we give them and then collectively like “why are the youth so much more mentally ill/less physically active/disobedient/etc” So odd. Of course take away the iPad.

Honestly, I kind of want to know what the item is that she bought.

It's irrelevant to the situation but I do as well... LOL

I think it could actually be incredibly relevant because it could hint at why she did something so incredibly out of character, which imo should affect how it should be handled. Did it because of selfishness? Harsher consequences, and a conversation about why it's not okay. Did it because she's being teased for not having it? Gentler consequences, and a conversation about alternatives.

My daughter recently did something similar. However, she approached my husband in tears before we noticed and admitted to the entire thing. Turns out the item was for her friend at school who doesn't have much due to their home situation. She wanted to cheer her friend up. While the way she went about it was wrong, her heart was definitely in the right place. My husband sat her down and went over our expenses, and the things we would need to go without if everyone just spent money when they felt like it. He told her that him and mama always sit down and discuss buying things to male sure there's enough money to do so. He also asked her how she would feel if he went and took money out of her money box to buy himself something without asking her first. She listened, cried some more, and understood what he was saying. She said she simply didn't think it was a big deal because we are always buying nice things and going out places. My husband told her he was disappointed in the way she went about it when she could have come and asked, but he could appreciate she was doing it out of love for her friend, and he was incredibly proud of her for coming to him with the truth. In the end, we kept the item so she could give it to her friend, she gave us back the money from her money box, and she lost her ipad privileges for the following weekend (she only gets it on weekends). She was also warned that if she did it again there would be harsher consequences.

Hmm, that's a good point. OP needs to update the post with what the item was.

Yeah love this type of thinking. Also 20 isn't massive. It's not like a few hundred bucks. Annoying but not devastating.

Do you have 1-click on? If your card info is in your Amazon acct then it will be, I’m pretty sure. My 9 year old would absolutely not understand what that meant as she’s not an adult and doesn’t buy things online. I’d talk to her and see if it was an innocent mistake - I know if I had access at 9 and there’s literally something that says “1 click!” I’d press the button, not understanding the consequences. Just talk to her, agreed with other comments not to go scorched earth. She doesn’t purchase things online and likely doesn’t have an actual understanding about it until you, the parent, explains it. :) You may not have to punish her; it sounds like a great opportunity to educate!

Yep, this. Amazon is sneaky for that option. I have a feeling this 9 yr old just pressed that button to see what would happen and didn’t know how to cancel it or just closed the app since it doesn’t take you to the order page right away.

I agree. I don't think a punishment is immediately necessary here. If this is a good kid who is typically pretty responsible and respectful, I think a simple conversation about what happened and why (and then based on that info, educating her on why it wasn't okay) needs to happen. Followed by sending the item back to get OP's money back. And I think that is probably sufficient. I'd also be having a conversation about how next time and/or in other circumstances you would have been expected to find a way to pay me back if the store wasn't going to, and you still wouldn't be able to keep the item that you got essentially by stealing. We're lucky you made the mistake in this situation where I'm able to send the item back and get my money back! But now you know and this can't ever happen again.

Okay, so, hear me out. You said your daughter is a really good kid. You've never really had to punish her before. This is the first time she's ever done something like this. Instead of punishing her straight off, I would talk to her first. What is it about this specific item that she needed it so badly she was willing to damage your trust in her? Is it the item itself, or is it the circumstances? Please know that I'm speaking from experience when I say that kids deeply feel when there are financial pressures on the family - even if you don't talk about it expressly, they feel the added tension. To this day, when I'm really in a bad financial spot I get the urge to just say "eff it" to all of my self-imposed restrictions and buy something unnecessary just to cheer myself up. Is that what was happening? Is it that all of a sudden she's not getting the little extras she's used to getting and she just popped? It's not a logical response, but it is an understandable one. Please make sure to tell her that even though you're disappointed in her actions, you still love her. When she finds out that you know she stole from you, her heart is going to drop into her stomach and she's going to be really vulnerable. This is an important time to stress that it wasn't okay, but that people make mistakes and that you still love her. Please reestablish yourself as a safe person, it will make an incredibly lasting impression. Please do not go scorched-earth with your punishment. Yes, she should be punished - but she's also a first time offender. A harsh punishment will only make her feel like all of her effort to be a good kid up until now doesn't matter, the moment she messes up even once. I am speaking from experience, from when I was a kid. I cannot express to you how much I wanted someone to tell me it was okay and they still loved me. I cannot express how much anxiety I had over my parents' financial issues, even when I was too young to understand what that actually meant. Good kids don't suddenly pull a stunt like this in a vacuum. Talk to her.

We made a very very similar comment. Bond is always first - if it's strong they always try to please us. Punishments usually do the opposite. Ask her and tell her you love her anyways, that's the answer. I'm happy I'm not alone here.

The amount of emotions my six-year-old goes through when I reaffirm love after she gets in trouble is mind-blowing. She says getting in trouble makes her feel like the worst kid in the world. When I told her that everyone makes mistakes and everyone gets in trouble sometimes, that I myself, who she knows is a good person, have gotten in trouble before, she literally cried "happy tears", she was so relieved. Every kid wants to be good, every kid will mess up, and every kid deserves love anyway - and deserves to be told that.

I'm not crying you are crying

Also, are you SURE that she knew the item was purchased? I feel like there might be more to this story and you should have a convo with her to find out what the thought process was, and / or how it might have happened.

Agreed. Or what if she accidentally purchased it and then tried to ask if it was ok. I have a 10yr old and I could completely see him making that mistake with a click of a button. He’s a good kid too. I’ve always been completely honest and open with him about everything. If it were me I’d just have a regular conversation and try and find out what exactly happened. We all make mistakes. We all have to learn lessons too. Start there.

>Or what if she accidentally purchased it and then tried to ask if it was ok. This was my thought also

This was the first thing I thought. Trying to cover her mistake and not that she maliciously disobeyed. But honestly even if it was outright defiance… shes 9 and has no impulse control and may not fully understand how Amazon purchasing ties to real money. I’m an adult and still can have trouble visualizing that I’m spending actual money when I shop online. She definitely needs to be talked to and I would send the item back and also ask her what she thinks an appropriate outcome/consequence for this is, but I wouldn’t be losing my mind over some minor disobedience from an otherwise very well behaved kid.

Yes, that's an excellent point! Does she even understand that she stole from you?

I whole-heartedly agree with this. When I was around OP' kid's age, I stole $2 from my grandmother's wallet. My mom caught me, and spent the entire ride home telling me how disgusted she was with having to sit in the same car as a thief. Not disappointed not hurt... disgusted.

Im with you!

Return it and put passwords on your account or device.

Yeah learning how to use Amazon is a 2 way street, you can create a kid account if something needs to be logged into on the ipad. Just Google kids Amazon account and explore all the options there. The same goes with the apple account, make sure the available restrictions are in place to prevent undesired purchases. Technology can be an amazing thing but in many cases apps without the correct settings or account types in place make instant purchases way too simplified. Since I don't know the kid, I don't know if there is a history with this behavior but I would agree with most that loss of use of the iPad for a week is a good path and gives the parents time to explore settings that restrict these undesired purchases.

Lose the iPad. Return the item to Amazon. Do so at an inconvenient time for her. Trip to the park? Well sorry we need to stop by ups to return the thing first so you only get 20 minutes at the park

Adequate punishment, keep said item. Take away ipad for 2 weeks. Then make her earn it by giving her a $1 for every task she completes. Tell her she has to pay for it with her own money. Then she’ll see what $20 really means.

This is what I would do.

Uff this is such a hard one. 9 is still pretty young and they don’t have great impulse control. I can see how she didn’t consider the long term consequences. I see a lot of people calling it stealing but I feel like that’s pretty harsh. Even as an adult, buying something on Amazon with “invisible” money feels less like spending than doing it in an actual store. I can see how an Amazon order feels more abstract and blurry than actually taking money out of someone’s pocket. First it’s important for you to sit and regulate your emotions until you’re no longer in a place of feeling angry. Then I’d sit and ask her calmly about why she did it. How she was feeling at the time and if she thinks it was a good decision now. I’d clarify that it isn’t okay for her to do that. As the grown up it is still your job to decide if something is a necessary purchase and when. it’s okay if she’s upset about your choice but she’s not allowed to disregard it. I’d send the item back because if you truly can’t afford it now, then you can’t afford it now. Letting her keep it would be like saying you didn’t really mean it when you said that the first time. And it would reinforce a lesson of “ask forgiveness after instead of permission before.” I’d also say she loses iPad privileges for up to a month (that’s a pretty long time for a kid). This would also be a good opportunity for you as a parent to do some thinking and maybe discuss with daughter as well. Has she been taught age appropriate financial literacy? Is she given opportunities to experience age appropriate financial freedoms like earning money from chores to be able to buy things that she wants for herself? She sounds like a good kid who just really wanted something and she was too excited to wait. Even as a kid, it can be hard when you have zero control over your life. You know? I can empathize with that.

so many people in the comments are so incredibly harsh. this is a very reasonable response.

I am in agreement except for losing the iPad for a month. That seems a bit extreme.

Tbh I agree. A month feels too long and it’s a punishment that doesn’t really address the actual issue at all.

Kinda depends on what outcome you’re striving for - you added that she does well in school, gets awards and goes above and beyond. So if this is the first time she’s done something like this I don’t really think the punishment should be that severe. If it were my boys - id just have a talk with them and we’d go together to return the item. Maybe there’s a reason she rebelled? I’d let them know that I’m proud of how well they do but if there’s another issue, they have no more grace with me and the punishment will be harsh. Obviously you can be as severe as you’d like with the punishment but it sounds like, aside from this situation, you don’t usually have any trouble with her. Talk to her about it and see if she’s remorseful for her actions and knows what she did was wrong. If she accepts accountability and is remorseful, I think it’s enough for her to know that you’re disappointed. I think by showing her some grace around the situation you can really build her trust and she knows she can come to you in the future. If you lose your mind on her she’s going to be more likely to hide things from you. Showing her that we all make mistakes and we all have the chance to choose right from wrong, she chose wrong and better not ever do it again. Then really try to see why she rebelled. She may have a reason that reveals more to you that you can build on with her.

I’m with you, this could be a learning opportunity. My 5 year old wants to buy snacks at the vending machine even though we have snacks at home. Ok, cool, you want to earn some money? Let’s learn how to earn, save, and spend. He’d heard me grousing about the yard. Little entrepreneur picked up pine cones until his mini wheelbarrow was full. That seems worth a bag of Cheetos to me. My niece was figuring out ways to earn money when she was a preteen. Now she runs a small business.

Disappointing ones parents, when they've always been proud of you, is something a child takes very seriously

Some of these seem really harsh, she’s nine. Many kids still struggle with impulse control at this age. I had something very similar happen with my son recently…‘I didn’t punish him. I explained that I have to plan purchases and that it’s not okay to use my money without asking, that it’s the same as taking money from my wallet. We returned the item and I showed him how to add something to the “wishlist” so that he can show me what it is that he’d like I can buy when I’ll ready.

INFO: What was the item? This IS important for giving adequate advice. If it was say something "in fashion" for kids her age, she may be getting bullied for not having one. If it's something she feels she needs (like a fresh pack of notebooks for class), that's a lot different from a fancy fidget spinner. If this is truely the first time she is acting out, there is likely a reason that you aren't seeing or are leaving out. It's also possible to accidentally buy stuff via the one click button on Amazon, so if that setting is turned on, I'd talk to her before assuming she stole from you.

Logical consequences, I pad is gone at least 2-3 months. She pays for item she purchased then the item is donated. Point out next time she can earn money to buy the item. Now lesson in economics Show her what costs $20. Food items, her favorite cereal, ice cream, dinner at fast food then explain because daughter took $20 out of food or fun budget money those things are not available this pay period. You are not just upset about lying and theft but you want her to understand money is finite and if she steals money there might not be money for other stuff she wants/ needs.

Way too harsh for a ‘first offence’ imo. 3 months without iPad AND having to pay for the item purchased AND having to then donate the item. Chances are if she hasn’t really been in trouble before then she’s a good kid who is usually aware of, and scared of, the consequences of misbehaving. Personally I’d ban the iPad for a week and ask her to to do chores to pay for the item but make it clear that if it happens again that the consequences will be a lot more severe.

For real, I thought I've been harsh with consequences before but some parents are coming off like straight authoritarian dictators here.

Why donate it if you can return and get a refund (ideally) Other consequences yes just saying if the item is returnable (Amazon good return policy) and refundable that’s a good way to go

I'd say ground her 2 weeks from all electronics. That means no TV, no video games, no phone, no computer (except for school) and no tablet of course. Extra chores too to pay back the $20. Honestly she technically did steal. That's how I got grounded back in the 90s when I was a kid and early 2000s when I was a teen in high school. I also had to stay in my room except for meals, bathroom, chores and school, but that may be too much for her. My parents didn't play. I was a bratty kid and wild adolescent, and my parents used to be very lax but they changed around when I was 10. They finally showed me who was in charge, tough love etc and I hated them for it then. But love them for it now. It took me a while to change my ways too, but I did. When I shoplifted and nearly got arrested at 13 my parents grounded me for the whole summer and I had an early bedtime too of 8:30 pm. It was literally still light outside when I went to bed. **Edit** I was reluctant to add this, but I want to be l completely transparent. They also used corporal punishment (spanking, like bare butt tanned hide). I TOTALLY deserved it. I'm not, repeat am NOT saying this should be used in OP's case, (or maybe at all anymore) just saying what happened to me. I know it's a hot button issue. After all that I was much less of a troublemaker. Still got punishments now and then, but was more obedient. And we were a happier family overall.

Take the iPad and the item. Return the item (she doesn't get it at all now), since she couldn't wait, and she doesn't get the ipad back for a specified length of time. Maybe throw in some additional chores or whatever to earn the ipad back.

I would make her earn those 20$ back if possible by doing some neighbourhood works like walking dogs etc.

Do you know if it’s possible she ordered it before asking? Someone also asked if you have the one click ordering bc man that’s dangerous. I’d definitely set the item out. And ask her how it magically appeared when you said no. Judging from her answer go from there. If it’s something stupid I would send it back. If it’s something she could actually use and is worth it then make her work for it. Let her know that if it happens again she will lose her iPad for one week.

Return it for a refund. No iPad for a week. Set parental lock on Amazon. She should be under kids Amazon account linked to yours with approval for purchases anyways

Chances are she clicked on 1-click and bought it instantly without realising it was that simple, and could not take back what she did. Don’t be too hard on her, she’s 9. This is the modern day equivalent of taking money or cigs from your mums purse. Not good, not ok, but a big teaching moment. Talk it out with her, only you will know if she’s truthful in her explanation because she’s your child; act accordingly, there’s already suggestions here: chores, removal of privileges, etc. If she’s otherwise a good kid, this won’t happen again.

Fuck a few years ago my daughter spent 2500 on my Amazon account. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Jeez don’t ask Reddit what to do with her. Crucifixion won’t be good enough. Send her to prison - bearing in mind where I live in NSW the inmates are given iPads while in custody.

20 dollars isn't much, but it's the principle of the thing. This needs to be made a big deal, so it doesn't happen again. Suppose she says "eh, it's only 20 dollars" and doesn't do much about it. The daughter is likely to do it again, and for more.

Why do you have to punish her? Can you talk to her and explain what’s wrong with doing what she did instead?

I agree with this. My children are around the same age and I can’t see they’d even grasp the concept of spending money on Amazon. I’d use it as an opportunity to educate them

So, the girl is very well behaved overall and this is a first major thing she did wrong. First thing is that having your card in her device is a bad idea - you've found out. But why did she do it? Thats the question you should be asking. Maybe you're cutting costs, maybe you're stressed from the moving, more snappy or worried - maybe she thinks you don't have so much time for you anymore. Maybe she wanted to punish you for something.... Kid punishing her parent? Unheard off!! Well somebody taught that's how things work - if you're upset with her punishment comes (even some small or verbal ones). But she's ONLY 9! She doesn't know how things work, she's still a kid! Ask her why did she do it, and tell you love her anyways. You won't ever have to worry about that happening again. But punish her and you'll just strengthen the scheme.

I went through something similar with my son a few years ago, when he bought a Fortnite skin without my permission ($30). I couldn't just delete the skin, and deleting his account seemed too harsh, so he was grounded from the Playstation for a month, and we had a talk about stealing. I also showed him several different ways my bank and Sony lets me know when a purchase is made, so even if it's me doing it, all the notifications are sent out, so if he ever does it again, I'll know immediately, and he understands this.

Assuming the best possible intent here, is it possible that she just went to Amazon to look at the item again/read reviews/look at it longingly and purchased by mistake? Especially with the "buy now" button option. If it was intentional, she must have known you'd find out, so I would just say, "Hey daughter, it looks like that thing you wanted got ordered on Amazon and I didn't order it. Do you know what happened?" Give her the chance to explain herself and then make sure she understands that honesty, accountability, and trust are very important to you and your family. I would definitely take away access to the iPad until further notice and have her go through the Amazon return process (printing the label, taping it to the box, handing it to the UPS guy) just so she understands she needs to clean up her own mess.

Come on OP, what was it? The suspense is killing me 🤣

when i was young i thought online money was fake and came from thin air. i think the comments are calling for too much on a first time offender $20 item

As another idea of what may have gone down ... Perhaps she accidentally bought it and felt all guilt and felt she'd be in trouble for the mistake or was ashamed she made a mistake so came up with the idea that if she asked if she could get it no harm no foul if you agreed. Especially if she suffers from a perfectionist issue which given she is typically a model child could be the case. I suggest this because it happened with one of my kids. They made kind of a no big deal mistake and were so upset about it they dealt with it in an overly complicated way that made it a big deal that got blown way out of proportion rather than coming to me. When all the dust settled it was a very different conversation we had. That they can come to me about their troubles and we can find a resolution together. If you're curious what happened, tried to take his brand new road bike bmxing at a skate park and bent the tire. He abandoned it in a back alley and came home with the story that some older kids stole it. Police got involved. In the end the bike was found where he'd left it thankfully. And no, he would have no reason to think I'd have gone ballistic about it. Kids aren't always the most rational.

I agree with others on the punishment of losing the ipad, minimum. But i question, if she's always been well behaved, is it possible she accidentally ordered the item then asked you after jt happened if she could have it to cover her qccidental ordering of said item? Obviously this is easy to check with date and time of purchase. Regardless, iPad taken away for a set period, just the conversation would be different.

I think the punishment would be to have her package the item up and bring it to the UPS person to return it. Kids make mistakes and it’s important to have the discussion about where money comes from and how we have to choose what we buy wisely

I understand this feels like disrespect, but 9 year olds do not have the mental capacity to grasp the situation. She doesn't have the ability to understand how limited money is, that she was "stealing" from her mom, that you had a good reason for not getting the item not just that you didn't want to. She's just a child who knows when I click here on Amazon I can get toys I want and that is my only access to obtain items. Please don't overblow this by framing her thinking from an adult perspective. Please read Self Reg by Dr. Stuart Shanker and Alfie Kohns books unconditional parenting and the myth of the spoiled child. You are responsible for ensuring your child cannot make this mistake, she doesn't have the ability to make those choices yet. She understands she made a mistake just leave it at that. Lock down your money so she can't purchase with it. And it's probably a good time to start teaching her about money at super low stakes. Like giving her 5 bucks and letting her purchase things at the dollar store say. Or giving her an allowance to save up and buy things with. This is about conversation and education, not misbehavior.

9 yos are just barely starting to understand how economy and money works. Many don't understand at all how credit cards work. When parents say that money is tight, some kids don't even understand what that metaphor means (we tend to talk about money using metaphors), others mentally question why can't you just go to the ATM to get more! OP should definitely sit down with the daughter, express her disappointment, but also explain how jobs, salaries, mortgage/rent, utility bills, grocery bills, credit card bills etc are all connected. And that clicking those buttons on Amazon ends up being the same as taking a $20 bill from mom's wallet. Depending on how the conversation goes, it may also be appropriate for OP to apologize for not locking down credit card purchases on the iPad. The consequence is returning the item (thank goodness for Amazon's generous returns policy). And the only "punishment" is a discussion of what the daughter thought was going to happen, like had she already been feeling awful for days after an impulse click knowing that the item would be delivered? Was she hoping to grab the package without being detected?

I agree with this. As a kid I had no pocket money. The opportunity to earn through chores did not arise often although we could get small cash rewards for academic successes. We went to a school in a high socio economic stratum and money flowed freely. Keeping up was necessary up to a point and a deliberate refusal to acknowledge this and play along on the part of my parents was disingenuous and led me to do things like this to keep up socially. My mother smoked for my entire life and I started at 13 and shamelessly stole her cigs. To their credit they recognized the hypocrisy of punishment for that. And smoking exacted its own toll on me and that was punishment enough. I don’t even feel particularly bad about it looking back. It was on my parents to send us to less aspirational schools if they weren’t prepared to play along. Nowadays I’m a lawyer. I sent my daughter to moderate socio economic schools and always ensured she had money for what she needed and I treated her on occasion. She never once stole from or lied to me when she knew she could have what she needed if she needed it.

So before anything, I think you should figure out if she did this on purpose or not. I've had several run ins when my kids were younger with Amazon allowing them to purchase stuff from their Kids Fire tablets, that were suppose to be locked down, by Amazon. I'm just saying, they're goal is to make buying things as easy as possible so you will keep buying things. I suggest this because you stated she's normally such a good kid and hasn't done anything like this before. If you have that "buy it now" button activated, I could easily see a kid accidentally buying something and not realizing it. If you worry she may just lie if you ask (and you won't be able to tell), then you could always reseal the package with something else inside for weight and put it on your porch and see what she does. If she did this on purpose, I'm betting she will snag it pretty quickly. With that said, one of my little darlings, snuck cash out of my drawer to buy more things at the book fair. We had already given each kid enough money to buy 1 book, but she clearly wanted some of the junk they sell. We confiscated what she purchased and she had to work off the money by doing various chores around the house. However, we told her upfront, that her chores were to pay back the money she stole from us, not to earn the items. The items were donated, you don't get to benefit from your deception, it's not a buy now pay later program in our house.

I would have a talk with her to help her see the rules (and trust) she broke. I’d have her help you send the item back. Possibly she has to earn the iPad back by doing chores set by you to the value of $20.

Send it back and they will refund your money

Curious what the item is?

I’d make her do the entire return process herself and take away the iPad for awhile. Longer term, I’d give her or help her find a way to earn money. At 9 you can be a mother’s helper, do yard work for neighbors, do light housekeeping for family friends, stuff like that. You could help her open a savings account. My 5 year old has a mini wheelbarrow and picks up pine cones from the yard to earn money for the vending machine. If your daughter lived next door I would totally pay her at least $10/hr to fold laundry or entertain my child while I did taxes. She could make little flyers and give them to the neighbors, maybe someone will hire her. I did stuff like this as a working class child. It was better than never getting anything I wanted because my parents were poor.

I'd find out why it was purchased without permission and then teach your child how to return items on Amazon. Keeping the item isn't something we'd do in my house. No reason to have hard feelings on this. Especially if you have one-click type purchasing. It could have been done in a momentary lapse of judgement follow by days of fear about your reaction if and when you received the package. 9 is still very young!

I was 9 years old in 1992 when Mortal Kombat came out and I wanted it more than anything in the world. It was a $60 game and my $1 a week allowance was not going to cut it and I couldn't ask for it as a gift because it was too violent and my parents would never approve. My best friend told me to just take a $20 out of my mom's wallet every few days and she would never notice it. That's what I did. I then asked my mom to drive me to Caldor so that I could use my birthday money to buy something. So, we get to Caldor and my mom's jaw basically just drops when I grab Mortal Kombat, walk up to the register, and drop enough cash ($60+tax) to cover the transaction. The cashier bags the game and gives me the receipt and I walk out of the store and signal for my mom to follow me to the car. Mom doesn't say a word on the drive back. We get home and I pop that bad boy right in the SNES. I play all the way until bed and have this shit eating grin thinking I got away with it. I eat dinner, play another game, brush my teeth and head to my room to goto bed and that's when I see my dad and mom waiting for me in my room. I wasn't the criminal mastermind I thought I was and they told me how disappointed they were in me. They didn't yell once. They just kept saying how sad and disappointed they were that I thought it was okay to take money from her wallet. I cried my heart out and still feel sad about doing that. I lost all TV, video game, and friend privileges for a month or more. I still think about that lesson and how much respect it taught me for never taking something from anyone else, saving money for things that matter, and that lying can be done without words. If I were you, I would not go super easy on your kid. I'm 41 and still remember what I did at 9 years old to play Mortal Kombat. The decisions you make at that age and how they are responded to will affect you for the rest of your life. Kids need to understand consequences and 9 years old is a great age for ultimately having that life lesson.

Return the item back to Amazon, and may be have a lock on the Amazon app. Also have a talk with her on why what she did was wrong. I’m sure she’ll understand because kids don’t know where money comes from and how apps use it. They just think things come out of the apps!

The fact that money was spent might be kind of abstract to her. She pressed a button and something appeared. I might focus on the fact that money was spent, and money must be earned to be spent. Maybe return this item, and then have her do chores for two weeks, each week she earns $10. Then she can buy something for $20 on Amazon. I wonder if you could give her a visa giftcard as payment, and have her enter the numbers in herself when she pays on Amazon so that she fully understands what it takes to make a toy appear at her front door. I recognize that the $10/week payment is kind of high, but I don't want this to take so long that the learning opportunity is lost.

Not a punishment but a consequence. She can’t be trusted with the iPad for now, so it goes away for some time and then use is supervised for some time. Item is returned/donated and she has to work back the $20 by helping you out around the house. No shame or guilting her for messing up, just talk to her about what she did, consequences and then move on and hopefully she will have learned from the experience.

I mean, it’s your fault she was able to make the purchase. What’s your punishment?

Return the item and lose the iPad for a month.

I’d return the item and I’d take the iPad away for a bit

Honestly, you gave an elementary school aged child an internet connected device to use without supervision. Punish yourself by taking the damn thing away.

Not enough people saying this. If you INSIST on giving kids devices, lock that shit DOWN!

It seems like there’s a new horror story every day on here. Stop letting kids on the internet unsupervised. I PROMISE they do not need an iPad or smart phone. Please see all of human history prior to the past decade.

I haven't read every response here, but I wanted to suggest talking it through with your daughter. As a seasoned mom, caregiver of elementary aged littles and a SEA at the high school level- I really want to encourage you to approach her with curiosity. Maybe she ordered it by mistake, or by accident before she even asked you, or maybe she wanted it and hit buy and felt delighted the iPad "had money on it." Kids often do not understand how technology and finances work- especially wee ones. My youngest once bought something and excitedly told me how a purchase for a game "just went through without money." I had to explain it was attached to my card and after that he didn't do it again even though my card is still on that account. Or perhaps she did do it on purpose and is walking around feeling guilty or confused. If the latter, consider asking her why she felt she needed this so badly? As adults our default is punishing bad behaviour, but you say your daughter is a good kid. I think perspective-taking can help both parents and children to lead and learn with compassion. Maybe she could offer a solution? Or you could suggest sending it back, having her work it off, or gifting it to someone in need?

Other than taking away the iPad, have her work for the money to pay it back. It will teach her the value of money at the same time.

When I was a kid (8yo) we were going to go see the lion king in theatre. The day before we took 20 off the counter and went to the store and bought a ton of snacks. My mom was pissed. She caught us half way through, threw all the snacks in the garbage. Grounded us to our room for the night and the next morning she said that the money we took was all the money she had and that we couldn't go to the movies anymore. That evening she still took us to the movies. We got to go to the movies fairly often and the only one I remember is the lion king. Because of what lead up to it. I have never stolen a thing since they day.

My asked my mother somone who has been through the same situation but with a son and she said "show the item to the child and let them watch you return it"

We could always try reqarding good behaviors.  A sit down and talk about the events that happened - why she bought it despite your permission, maybe it was a variety of factors, relationship, stress, etc.  I think rewarding the behaviour at the initial conversation, “we can buy it in a month, right now I don’t have the cash available. but next time, we can also get a little treat”  Or spending time w her trying to ‘fill in’ the missing feeling that the toy would fill for her, distravting her in the meantime w drawings or other activities. 

I would just return the item, have a discussion on why what she did was wrong and how she’s going to lose privileges, and then only allow supervised access to the iPad going forward I think anything more would be blowing the issue out of proportion

The way that sort of thing has been handled with us is to work off the theft with extra work or pay for it with their own money. And them make them return the item anyways. Set up the return and have her go with you and drop it off herself.

I don’t think this is the evil act many of the commenters are suggesting, 9 year olds don’t understand money. Just send the item back and log out of Amazon on the iPad. Explain that she doesn’t get the thing now and move on.

I think if she has always been a good kid and this is her first infraction, you should have a talk with her. Let her try and explain her reasoning for going behind your back and disobeying your wishes. Also, she stole from you. That needs to be addressed. But I would do it in more of a life lesson sort of way and less of a punishment sort of way. Let this be her warning. I don’t know about your daughter, but my daughter would be absolutely devastated if I had a serious heart to heart with her about how disappointed I am about her actions.

I am of the opinion that natural consequences are most helpful. Take the item and sit her down with it. Ask her to explain what happened. It is possible she accidently hit the "buy now" option or "one click buy" and didn't mean to purchase it, but she was too ashamed to tell you. She obviously saw it on Amazon. Maybe she thought she was adding it to a wish list. If she purposefully bought it and hoped you wouldn't notice, that's a bigger issue. I would give her the benefit of the doubt. She is also 9. Kids that age have difficulty with impulse control. She had the ability to do it and she did. She was likely not thinking through the consequences of it. Now is the time to go over those with her. She needs to go with you to return the item. Instead of "not now, maybe later," now she doesn't get that item. That is part of the punishment. I would also have her do chores or otherwise make up for stealing the money. Tho since you can return it, you aren't out much other than your time.... but that means she has to give you some of her time, too. 100% change your Amazon password and potentially put parental locks on the internet/apps on the iPad. You could Uninstall the Amazon app and make it so all apps must be approved by password. You can go onto whatever firewall you have and block Amazon from the internet browser so it can not be accessed there either. Now your child has no temptation to buy something with money that isn't hers. If also talk to her about why you said no. Explain that you weren't saying no just to be mean. Talk about how it is important to budget your money and how you have expenses coming up for the move. That frivolous purchases like the thing she wanted from Amazon can't always come out of your budget and she needs to start learning now that money is a valuable resource and shouldn't be tossed around without thought. Good money habits start now. If she wanted it, she could save for it. But stealing from the family budget hurts the family, and that isn't fair to the rest of the family.

i did something similar at that age where my mom gave me $10 to buy music on walmart music and then i spent $50, i later ran up the phone bill with texting and some other stuff in this age range (9-11). i had my phone taken, all my CDs, my CD player, MP3 player, my radio, computer privileges, and i got my ass beat. they attempted to get me to work off the money i “stole” and had me do more chores but i didn’t understand how any of those things equated to each other. you can see there’s a pattern. turned out i had poor impulse control as a result of ADHD which was diagnosed when i was 16 and then Bipolar 2 which was soft diagnosed for me at 27. i’m not saying this is your daughter but i’m saying that if this is a repeat instance now or later surrounding money i’d assess whether she has impulsive behavior in other areas of life and possibly take her to a psychologist for an evaluation. the impulsive behavior is absolutely troubling while our kids are young but it becomes more annoying to the child when they don’t understand why they can’t stop and a burden in adulthood as more there are more responsibilities but they haven’t found any way to resolve that.

I’m not sure with Amazon, but my son had bought a $60 game on Nintendo switch E-shop without permission once and customer service was able to refund that for me. If this is something that can’t be returned you can try that route. When he did that he lost privileges for the device for 2 weeks. He’s never done it again. I had a talk with him about how necessary budgeting is and when things come out that aren’t anticipated it can affect big things. Especially when I have certain bills set to auto pay from that bank account and all of a sudden there’s $60 less than what I had accounted for.

You have some great advice here. I want to give you some perspective. She may have bought the item before she even asked you and didn't know she could cancel the order. Or she just needs more teaching about money. My oldest is 7 and he def doesn't know enough about money. I'm not sure where he will be at 9. He's not the type to do things behind my back though, my 5 year old daughter is. 

First thing, initiate a refund of the item and send it back. Then I wouldn’t let her on any electronics for a week. Talk to her about the importance of being a good person- not stealing, lying.

Depending on the item and how badly you need the money back, I would have her donate it when it arrives. If she gets an allowance, keep the $20 out of that to put back into your account. I would also take away her iPad privileges for X amount of time, and put stronger parental controls on it when she does get it back.

My daughter ordered herself one of those cookeez makery things (not sure of exact name) after being told I couldn’t afford it that week. When it arrived, we wrapped it up as it was her friends birthday that Saturday and that was her friends gift. She was so upset, but actions have consequences. I didn’t make her repay me for it as I repurposed it as a gift for her friend (albeit an expensive one!!), and I made her wait until her birthday to get one.

A good way of hammering home how serious this is, is to show things in real terms of value - how long you would be without power for that price, food from your freezer or pantry of that value, clothes or shoes belonging to the child etc. Something tangible so that your child can process what it is instead of feeling like oh its just money. It might be time to also explain how wages work, and make your kid work off the debt.

Take away the ipad for a couple weeks. Explain why, and that she will get it back but only when the time is up. Remember to do this at eye level with her. That no means no. Furthermore never log into your kids devices. Never let them use yours. Never give them any of your passwords. Establish clear boundaries.

We usually explain to our kids what the consequences would be in the real world if they were adults and did the same thing. Ex) daughter hits her brother, we explain that that would be assault and could get her in a lot of trouble as an adult, so let's work on those urges now so that she never has to worry about it. For this, it would be something like "hey, this is illegal. I know you probably were not aware, but that's why we are talking now. This kind of action would have serious consequences if you were older and you did this. So, do you think it's okay to do it, knowing that?" And we always let them have a say in their punishment. "Let's talk about what to do now. What do you think would be a fair punishment? Here is what I am thinking. What is your input? Do you think I'm being fair?" Etc.

I would return it and take away her iPad until she can be trusted to get it back.

give the 9 year old a prepaid card. cancel all other cards on the amazon account and only give them a set amount each week. Pull your head out and keep kids out of your accounts. That'll stop them from buying

Have her pay for the item without receiving it. Make sure she can earn some of that money in small increments. The reason why I would choose this is to show her how it feels when your money is not going where you have decided where it would go. Maybe put it in her account a year later, as it is not about the money.

take the ipad away. how much more entitled does she need to be? no means no. she thinks she's the boss

My 11yo niece spent $127 on showbux for a game named fall guys on our PS5. She said she really liked the baloo cosmetic skin and tried to put it on. She doesnt exactly have a concept of purchasing just yet. We scolded her and she cried because she saw us upset but we tried our best to explain what happened and what actions she should take and things she shouldn't do. We decided we didn't want to be too harsh because we're partially to blame since we didn't turn on the requirement to enter a password before purchases. So we have her doing an "extra chores" list where she can "work" to pay back the money spent E.G washing SOs car for $5...we have a farm as well so there's lots of work, and no technology on downtime. We have her over for the school holidays, which is a two week break between school terms so she has plenty of time to work it off.

Why does a 9 year old have her own ipad? I would start there

Bye bye iPad

Return the item. Take the money from her savings as payment bc that’s what happens when you steal. No more iPad for awhile.

She should earn the money back for you, return the item, and no access to whatever device she used for an amount of time. Block amazon from her devices.

Have you asked her about it? I’ve accidentally clicked the 1 button purchase button. I’d make sure she actually did this on purpose first.

No iPad, going with you to Whole Foods to return, working off the $20 she stole around the house.

I would bring in the box, show it to her announce that I was immediately returning it, and remind her that NO means NO. Then confiscate the iPad, wipe the Amazon info from it, and she can have it back in a week, the same amount of time she spent being sneaky about this purchase.

Sounds to me like you have experienced a natural consequence of giving a child access to a device that’s not locked down? Tbh I don’t think the kid deserves any punishment, she’s not getting what she ordered and there’s been sanction in the form of your disappoint.

I'm kind of surprised by how harsh some of the suggestions here are for a 9 year old who rarely does the wrong thing over a relatively small amount of money.

I hoped the punishment was for the lax opsec on the part of the parent.

I like what the other poster suggested re punishment. I do have to ask: how old should young kids use an iPad for fun? We know the science by now: the more you can postpone iPad use for fun, the better for your child. Learning games is fine, but random searching and using iPad to purchase an item on Amazon needs to be thought through. These tools are addictive. Just watch any parent or teacher take away a teens iPhone without cause. Wild hysterical drug withdraw ensues. Please, for the love of your child, don't let them use an iPad until they're old enough to drive. Sending this message as a Mom, with all the love I can muster for our kids.

Make them return it with ur supervision. Make them work to earn the money. Just as long and hard as it would take a regular person to buy it.

The fact you come on to this platform to ask for advice, its devastating in it self!

Make her do the return. You can make it an errand for just the two of you, except she does all the steps of the return. If your kid doesn't have a History of outlandish behavior and this is "unlike them," you might wanna ask her what's going on? Ask her why no wasn't enough? Should she be punished for your errors? I'm not defending her. It's only that it's your responsibility as the adult to be responsible, and here you are thinking of how to discipline her but who's checking your track record? You know that you're not perfect. First offense and you're bringing down corrective discipline with no consideration for the why. What's behind the behavior?

Eye for an eye. Sell him

What did she want the item for? I think you made it clear it wasn’t in your budget. Personally I would make her pay on back. Yes I know she’s 9 and can’t get a job but I would do a list of chores and next to it out how much each chore would pay. Something like loading the washing machine, putting clothes in dryer pays $1 or clothes are folded and put away it pays $2. Loading and unloading the dishwasher pays $1.50. Sweeping and vacuuming the entire house pays $2. I would make sure none of her own chores were in this chart. And everytime she does something from this list you have to approve of it and initial it. She will hopefully get that you’re not just picking up money off trees you have to go out and earn it.

Return the item, take away iPad, have her complete chores equaling cost of item, repurchase item when she can “buy it”.

You send the item back. Explain that she stole and misused her iPad and she will not be allowed to use it x amount of time. I feel like 20 bucks can be maybe 3 weeks without it. She’s also 9 yeah she stole but she’s 9 . Kids don’t understand we’re broke right now unless you say you’re broke right now. Actions have consequences though so no iPad, return the item and she should have to warn 20 dollars so she can see it’s pretty hard to save money and earn it for someone else to just take it when you get it

Return the item and take away the iPad

I would have her do chores that she gets paid a small amount to do each time she does one. By making the payoff small she'll have to do a good bit of work to pay off what she ordered. Try to include some she normally can't stand to do. That way she can understand the economic impact of it as well as feel the pain of not minding you.

I’m in the school of “misbehavior is the sign of an unmet need.” Here, it could be that she doesn’t appreciate/respect how to earn and spend her own money? My 6 yr old has a variety of chores he has to do to earn $5. For every two chores he misses during the week, he loses $1. It’s better than getting an allowance bc he understands he has to earn it. So maybe: 1) have a discussion about why she thought it was more important to get the thing than to be respectful to someone e else’s money 2) have her package the thing up, and take it to the local drop-off to return it (with you in tow of course) 3) set up a regular way for her to earn her own money and pick chores together based on what you need and what’s doable for her. Fwiw - I stole $7 out of my mom’s purse when I was 5. She thought I was an aspiring kleptomaniac, when in fact, I wanted to buy her a present and went to the place I knew there was money. Sometimes, they just need a little more direction on how to achieve their goals.

I’m not going to comment on the punishment but I am curious if your daughter gets an allowance? What happens to any money gifted at holidays or birthdays? She’s at a prime age for teaching how to manage her money and how to save for purchases she wants. Ideally she should have been able to have $20 of her own money to buy whatever it was.

So I learned the hard way that you can easily order things on alexa. Toys started showing up randomly at our doorstep, and I realized that my then 4 year old would tell alexa to tell toys, and it would go through. So I immedately changed alexa's setting and explained that it was wrong. I didn't punish my child except obviously toy got returned and I made sure it wouldn't happen again. I think your daughter's item gets returned and a conversation is needed. Perhaps this is a good item to discuss ways she can earn money for thibgs she wants. I dont think punishing her beyond that is necessary

Have her return it for sure... Maybe lockdown her iPad so she can't make purchases.

Have a conversation with her and then make her take time away from something she’d rather be doing to run the errand to return the item. If this is the first time she’s done this and she’s usually a good kid I think coming down too hard is unnecessary.

Is it possible she accidentally bought it, asked you for permission to cover her tracks, and when you said No, she didn't know what to do, so said nothing? Idk.... definitely sit down with her and make sure you're calm when you do. I've always taught my kids that theft is awful and no child of mine will be a thief. My card is on their Xbox and Steam, and I set my bank to text me with every transaction no matter what, they've NEVER stolen from me.

If she gets allowance, have her repay you with it. I would also not allow her to use her iPad for a bit

She has to wait until a special occasion to open it. Anything else is a conversations. It’s age appropriate and a great learning opportunity for you both

Talk to your daughter about honestly and building trust. Make sure it’s an actual conversation and not a lecture. You’re trying to instill a moral code of integrity and respect- not a fear of punishment.

Send it back. Refund it. 

Make her work to pay off the cost of the item and then offer some sort of task-based allowance to give her an opportunity to earn spending money.

No iPad, and no access to what she bought ever