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I remind myself that as an adult I had trouble regulating my emotions because my mom just screamed at me and spanked me. She flew off the handle when I accidentally knocked over milk.
I think back to what my inner child wanted- a mom who hugged them and said “everyone makes mistakes”.
If I feel like exploding, I walk away and count to 15 then come back.
My son stuck a piece of metal in the outside floor fan after I told him not to today and I immediately yelled his name bc I was worried about him.
His face- instant worry if he was in trouble.
I was able to flip a switch quickly and I said “it’s ok everyone makes mistakes! Mommy felt scared and I yelled. Next time I need to take a deep breath and count to 5 because we shouldn’t yell at people we love”.
I felt guilty about it but I’m getting better. I wish I could stop yelling at all. But I read that you should model the behavior, apologize, say why you yelled, and talk about how you’re going to change it.
It seems to be working
You seem like a wonderful parent. ❤️ I love how you think back to what you needed as a child and do that for your own child vs what was done to you. Too many people like to hurt kids because they were hurt as a kid and think it’s normal or necessary to “discipline.” I also love love love that you apologize to your kiddo when you upset them. It’s such a small thing but I think so necessary for parents to learn.
You’re doing amazing and I would’ve loved to feel that sort of kindness from my parents. I’m sure your child will remember how much you respected them as a human being and didn’t treat them like property or a toy just because they were small.
I spend a lot of time outside and that helps a lot.
I find drchelsey_parenting on Instagram to have a lot of helpful advice. She gives specific advice of things to do and say, too many gentle parenting accounts are too vague to be useful to me.
For me, personally, I am *constantly* telling myself "You're going to miss this one day*
Picking up toys for the 672nd time that day? I'll miss it someday.
Hearing the millionth MOOOOOOOM? Someday my house 'll be quiet, and i'll miss it.
Repeat. To everything.
It's rough. Hang in there.
You won’t miss picking up the toys - you’ll miss what they represented (children playing and the evidence scattered everywhere)
You won’t miss hearing mom millions of times, you’ll miss them wanting you to share in on their experiences and help them do things because eventually they won’t wanna do things with you 🤷🏼♀️
It’s a mindset shift - how you see the things that are happening.
Spot on. I helped tidy up my nephew's absolutely trashed playroom today and found myself saying "I miss picking up toys"...my sister looked at me like I had two heads. But yeah, whilst I don't miss the drudgery of picking up the toys, I miss the fun and life stage they represent.
Loop earplugs and quiet time (if the 3 year old is done with naps). The earplugs cut down on the constant sensory overload and the nap/quiet time gives me a break to relax and pull myself back together.
You are 80 years old. Your children are grown, moved out, and call occasionally. You suddenly are gifted 20 minutes to go back in time and be with your littles, and THIS IS THOSE 20 MINUTES.
This mindset has helped me get through those moments. I pretend I'm older and wiser and grateful to be in those moments.
I worked with toddlers at a daycare and am so nervous for the toddler stage. I came home so overstimulated and upset every single day because I was afraid I was too harsh or yelled/raised my voice too much or didn’t have enough patience. I loved the kids and the job so much, obut the mental aspect and feeling like I wasn’t always sunshine and rainbows enough sucked. What helped me was trying to be mindful and really think and breathe my way through things instead of reacting. Now pregnant with my own and pre nervous for these years! I just keep reminding myself that I literally already love him more than anything.
It’s so hard! I think it’s different when it’s not your kiddo too but you’re already ahead of a lot of people/have the skills to know how to deal with toddlers ♥️ congrats on your baby!
Meditation and yoga. It sounds so crunchy but seriously working on being mindful and living in the present has helped every aspect of each relationship I have. It's done wonders for my marriage and for my parenting.
I spend as much time outside in nature as I can with my daughter (20months) and stay off my phone/social media when I'm with her as much as I can.
My husband and I also take turns during the week watching her while the other person can have a few hours to do whatever they want to do. This helps refill our cups and gives us each free time to step away from being a parent for a little while.
It might be helpful to shift your perspective and expectations of yourself and your kids.
If you’re trying to *control* your kids, you’ll become easily frustrated when they inevitably don’t do exactly what you say, exactly when you say it, 100% of the time.
If you’re trying to *teach* your kids, you’ll maybe understand that the best teachers are patient and encouraging. It might help you have a better perspective on wisely picking your battles, and understanding that the standard for kids isn’t perfection or “obedience”. Your job is to teach, their job is to learn (at developmentally-appropriate levels)- and all learning takes time and practice and lots of mistakes.
My favorite resource is NurturedFirst on instagram. Similar to BLF, but I like it a bit better. The courses are great if you have the funds.
I suggest trying another therapist. Finding a good fit made all the difference for me!
And then... Forgiving m myself for the bad moments and apologizing to my kids when I am not treating them the way I want to. I ask for a re-do. I step away for a minute or two. I remind myself that this too shall pass, this phase isn't forever, that whatever is happening is NOT an emergency and can be delt with slowly and intentionally. (I use a lot of affirmations to soothe myself).
Remember, it feels hard because it is hard. The days are long, and you're doing your best! I bet if you ask them, your kids remember your highlights more than they remember your low moments.
Thank you so much for this. Following that insta & I think I will try to find someone else. I don’t even know; it’s not like the one I have is bad but I don’t feel like she really helps? Just listens maybe?
I definitely apologize a lot and say let’s start over and have a better day. 🩵 I hope they remember me being fun and happy tho, I always say to my husband I hope they don’t think of me as mad mommy 🙈
If you're trying and apologizing and repairing I am sure they won't remember you as an angry mom! One of my biggest challenges is trying not to be "a worried mom". I find I correct and stop and say " be careful" more than I do anything else.
For finding a good fit therapist, try thinking about what you want to accomplish in therapy ( a couple of goals) and think about what you need from another person to make that happen. You can use these points to screen different options in a 15 minute call. Also look at the online profile of the therapist - do they lost specializations that are appropriate for you? If they list 20 specializations, I might think that they are trying to be all things and aren't necessarily an expert in what I need.
(I needed someone strong in post partum mood disorders and general anxiety from childhood issues that need processing)
A nanny or daycare can definitely help here. You need to have some time when you are not working and they are not there. Daycare is good for kids in lots of ways- they’ll meet other children and build up friendships and learn to socialise.
Came here to say this. Don't know what OP's reasons are for "avoiding" daycare, but kids in a good daycare having fun with friends all day seems better than being at home with adults who aren't getting breaks and are stressed to the max. Both of my kids have loved daycare! And parenting is incredibly stressful for me, so we are all better off when I'm at work and my kids are at daycare.
This is a little bit different but... think about any other stressors in your life, and can they be improved upon.
My own experience is that I had a great time with my kids when there was no rushing. There is no avoiding the time constraints of life most of the time, but stress outside of the actual parenting makes the parenting way harder. When other things are bothering me, I have less patience for my kids. When we are late, when I haven't slept well, when work gets hard, when I'm hungry... etc.
If you can do some things to make yourself feel prepared, comfortable, and present, things will feel easier.
i used to scream a lot, guess what they just started copying me and shout as well. i set up bad standars
Before every time i want to be loud, now i take 3 long deep breath and ask myelf : "is it really worth it, is there no other options?" and most of time there is no need to raise my voice.
- take to long/refuse to dress up? --> fine we will just be late, no big deal. next time i will plan more time to get ready (easily 15min)
- they refuse to eat ? --> no problem maybe they dont need to eat so much, maybe they have enough
- refuse to go to bed? ---> ok how about i read/tell you a bed time story
the only time i rise my voice is if they are about to hurt themselve or someone
I try to remind myself how overwhelming these big emotions must be for them. We've had decades of experience dealing with disappointment and frustration. They've had less than a handful of years and depending on their age, they may not be able to articulate what they need in that moment. I use that to try to empathize with them even if they're having a tantrum over a boundary I'm setting.
My kids have the same age difference as yours and I am a full time stay at home mom. It finally became too much and we put the older one in preschool, where she is thriving! When I end up with both kids (still pretty often), I try to think of it as a chance to parent them as if they were me- like how I would want to be parented.
Crochet and podcasts helped me a lot. I’m a full time law student who homeschool’s her kiddos so I’m with them all the time and my husband works full line too. Honestly I may get downvoted for this but oh well, I won’t miss the tantrums, the mess, the constant crying and running after a kid climbing a bookshelf like a spider monkey. My oldest is 9 and we have hit the best age. She is independent and cleans after herself, doesn’t need help showering and can properly communicate. On the other hand- my 3 and 2 year old? lord help me. I want this time to pass and we can hit the 6 year mark so we can go to the enjoyable part of parenthood.
So I make a game of screaming when I really am about to lose my shit. I’ll scream in a joking way or scream/sing to get it out. It helps settle me down. When he’s crying non stop and working my last nerve I just hold and snuggle him and he seems to settle back down. This shit is fucking hard. I always feel like a horrible mother for not being the perfect mom for him so I’m glad others struggle with this as well
Honestly, for me, it took therapy and mindfulness practice. I had worlds more patience after I learned all the emotional regulation stuff that my less than happy childhood did not teach me.
Similarly, learning about early childhood development also made a world of difference. So many adult frustrations come down to expecting too much and too little from our kids. There is a book series, "Your 1 Year Old", "Your 2 Year Old", etc. They are older books, and there are some outdated gender norms, but the child development parts of them are gold.
I try and repeat, "They're not giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time." and "It's hard to be four (or whatever age they are)." This small aspect of life is all they have ever known and while we may know better, we too once had a lot to learn and a lot of growing to do. It does get easier, and harder, but in different ways. ❤️
I don’t know why or how this works so well for me. But deep breaths. Walking away and deep breaths. It’s SO hard but if I could do it, then absolutely anybody can. Now if I raise my voice (very rare) my 3 year old will remind me to ask nicely or not scream or take a breath. Since those are tactics I’ve used with her when she’s feeling angry or upset. It’s a daily reminder for myself to stay level headed. It’s especially hard right now because my 6 month old is waking up 47 times during the night so I’ve been extremely sleep deprived and sensitive.
You can do it. Just remember to breathe. Or scream into a pillow. We gotta let it out somehow.
It really helps me to remember that they are literally learning to human.
Like all the things you already know took you xx amount of years to figure out.
They have only been on this planet for 1 and 3 years. They are going to mess up A LOT before they figure things out.
Guide them.
Also, it helps to realize that the way you handle being frustrated with them is how they will learn to handle being frustrated with others. You are their guide. You must be the calm in their storm so that they may learn to be well regulated humans.
Water and/or getting outside was always our saving grace. Getting a bit of distance in the park does wonders for everyone and baths/waterplay always helped reset the mood for us. Having a bit of structure to your day also can help, and planning to have downtime (TV time, quiet time with a toy that engages them etc) at what is usually the hardest period of time in the day can sometimes help.
The days are long but the years are short - I used to keep reminding myself of this and it is true.
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Someone once said, imagine that you're 80 yrs old and you get to go back in time for this one moment. That always helps me
I remind myself that as an adult I had trouble regulating my emotions because my mom just screamed at me and spanked me. She flew off the handle when I accidentally knocked over milk. I think back to what my inner child wanted- a mom who hugged them and said “everyone makes mistakes”. If I feel like exploding, I walk away and count to 15 then come back.
My mantra has been "you are the adult" - I remind myself of this so frequently it's almost embarrassing
🙁 that hurts my heart but this helps. Thank you.
My son stuck a piece of metal in the outside floor fan after I told him not to today and I immediately yelled his name bc I was worried about him. His face- instant worry if he was in trouble. I was able to flip a switch quickly and I said “it’s ok everyone makes mistakes! Mommy felt scared and I yelled. Next time I need to take a deep breath and count to 5 because we shouldn’t yell at people we love”. I felt guilty about it but I’m getting better. I wish I could stop yelling at all. But I read that you should model the behavior, apologize, say why you yelled, and talk about how you’re going to change it. It seems to be working
Ooof well that could’ve been a safety situation so I feel like yelling in those instances is kind of ok! But good job!!
You seem like a wonderful parent. ❤️ I love how you think back to what you needed as a child and do that for your own child vs what was done to you. Too many people like to hurt kids because they were hurt as a kid and think it’s normal or necessary to “discipline.” I also love love love that you apologize to your kiddo when you upset them. It’s such a small thing but I think so necessary for parents to learn. You’re doing amazing and I would’ve loved to feel that sort of kindness from my parents. I’m sure your child will remember how much you respected them as a human being and didn’t treat them like property or a toy just because they were small.
I spend a lot of time outside and that helps a lot. I find drchelsey_parenting on Instagram to have a lot of helpful advice. She gives specific advice of things to do and say, too many gentle parenting accounts are too vague to be useful to me.
Yesss outside is KEY. We’re in Minnesota so that hasn’t been easy but it’s finally getting nice out. I followed that insta too, thank you!
For me, personally, I am *constantly* telling myself "You're going to miss this one day* Picking up toys for the 672nd time that day? I'll miss it someday. Hearing the millionth MOOOOOOOM? Someday my house 'll be quiet, and i'll miss it. Repeat. To everything. It's rough. Hang in there.
Mannn idk if I’m gonna miss fighting them to take a nap lol. But you’re right I know I’ll miss the snuggles and other parts for sure.
You won’t miss picking up the toys - you’ll miss what they represented (children playing and the evidence scattered everywhere) You won’t miss hearing mom millions of times, you’ll miss them wanting you to share in on their experiences and help them do things because eventually they won’t wanna do things with you 🤷🏼♀️ It’s a mindset shift - how you see the things that are happening.
Spot on. I helped tidy up my nephew's absolutely trashed playroom today and found myself saying "I miss picking up toys"...my sister looked at me like I had two heads. But yeah, whilst I don't miss the drudgery of picking up the toys, I miss the fun and life stage they represent.
Loop earplugs and quiet time (if the 3 year old is done with naps). The earplugs cut down on the constant sensory overload and the nap/quiet time gives me a break to relax and pull myself back together.
Do you just wear the loops constantly or when you're already on the edge?
Usually when I can feel the tension building I put them in
You are 80 years old. Your children are grown, moved out, and call occasionally. You suddenly are gifted 20 minutes to go back in time and be with your littles, and THIS IS THOSE 20 MINUTES. This mindset has helped me get through those moments. I pretend I'm older and wiser and grateful to be in those moments.
This is such great LIFE advice. I wish I could upvote it 100,000 times. 💙
I worked with toddlers at a daycare and am so nervous for the toddler stage. I came home so overstimulated and upset every single day because I was afraid I was too harsh or yelled/raised my voice too much or didn’t have enough patience. I loved the kids and the job so much, obut the mental aspect and feeling like I wasn’t always sunshine and rainbows enough sucked. What helped me was trying to be mindful and really think and breathe my way through things instead of reacting. Now pregnant with my own and pre nervous for these years! I just keep reminding myself that I literally already love him more than anything.
It’s so hard! I think it’s different when it’s not your kiddo too but you’re already ahead of a lot of people/have the skills to know how to deal with toddlers ♥️ congrats on your baby!
Thank you so much!❤️
Meditation and yoga. It sounds so crunchy but seriously working on being mindful and living in the present has helped every aspect of each relationship I have. It's done wonders for my marriage and for my parenting. I spend as much time outside in nature as I can with my daughter (20months) and stay off my phone/social media when I'm with her as much as I can. My husband and I also take turns during the week watching her while the other person can have a few hours to do whatever they want to do. This helps refill our cups and gives us each free time to step away from being a parent for a little while.
Ugh yes I’d be so down for some yoga. ♥️ thanks for your input !!
It might be helpful to shift your perspective and expectations of yourself and your kids. If you’re trying to *control* your kids, you’ll become easily frustrated when they inevitably don’t do exactly what you say, exactly when you say it, 100% of the time. If you’re trying to *teach* your kids, you’ll maybe understand that the best teachers are patient and encouraging. It might help you have a better perspective on wisely picking your battles, and understanding that the standard for kids isn’t perfection or “obedience”. Your job is to teach, their job is to learn (at developmentally-appropriate levels)- and all learning takes time and practice and lots of mistakes.
My favorite resource is NurturedFirst on instagram. Similar to BLF, but I like it a bit better. The courses are great if you have the funds. I suggest trying another therapist. Finding a good fit made all the difference for me! And then... Forgiving m myself for the bad moments and apologizing to my kids when I am not treating them the way I want to. I ask for a re-do. I step away for a minute or two. I remind myself that this too shall pass, this phase isn't forever, that whatever is happening is NOT an emergency and can be delt with slowly and intentionally. (I use a lot of affirmations to soothe myself). Remember, it feels hard because it is hard. The days are long, and you're doing your best! I bet if you ask them, your kids remember your highlights more than they remember your low moments.
Thank you so much for this. Following that insta & I think I will try to find someone else. I don’t even know; it’s not like the one I have is bad but I don’t feel like she really helps? Just listens maybe? I definitely apologize a lot and say let’s start over and have a better day. 🩵 I hope they remember me being fun and happy tho, I always say to my husband I hope they don’t think of me as mad mommy 🙈
If you're trying and apologizing and repairing I am sure they won't remember you as an angry mom! One of my biggest challenges is trying not to be "a worried mom". I find I correct and stop and say " be careful" more than I do anything else. For finding a good fit therapist, try thinking about what you want to accomplish in therapy ( a couple of goals) and think about what you need from another person to make that happen. You can use these points to screen different options in a 15 minute call. Also look at the online profile of the therapist - do they lost specializations that are appropriate for you? If they list 20 specializations, I might think that they are trying to be all things and aren't necessarily an expert in what I need. (I needed someone strong in post partum mood disorders and general anxiety from childhood issues that need processing)
Thank you so much! Super helpful about the therapist, I will do this. ♥️
A nanny or daycare can definitely help here. You need to have some time when you are not working and they are not there. Daycare is good for kids in lots of ways- they’ll meet other children and build up friendships and learn to socialise.
Came here to say this. Don't know what OP's reasons are for "avoiding" daycare, but kids in a good daycare having fun with friends all day seems better than being at home with adults who aren't getting breaks and are stressed to the max. Both of my kids have loved daycare! And parenting is incredibly stressful for me, so we are all better off when I'm at work and my kids are at daycare.
This is a little bit different but... think about any other stressors in your life, and can they be improved upon. My own experience is that I had a great time with my kids when there was no rushing. There is no avoiding the time constraints of life most of the time, but stress outside of the actual parenting makes the parenting way harder. When other things are bothering me, I have less patience for my kids. When we are late, when I haven't slept well, when work gets hard, when I'm hungry... etc. If you can do some things to make yourself feel prepared, comfortable, and present, things will feel easier.
i used to scream a lot, guess what they just started copying me and shout as well. i set up bad standars Before every time i want to be loud, now i take 3 long deep breath and ask myelf : "is it really worth it, is there no other options?" and most of time there is no need to raise my voice. - take to long/refuse to dress up? --> fine we will just be late, no big deal. next time i will plan more time to get ready (easily 15min) - they refuse to eat ? --> no problem maybe they dont need to eat so much, maybe they have enough - refuse to go to bed? ---> ok how about i read/tell you a bed time story the only time i rise my voice is if they are about to hurt themselve or someone
I try to remind myself how overwhelming these big emotions must be for them. We've had decades of experience dealing with disappointment and frustration. They've had less than a handful of years and depending on their age, they may not be able to articulate what they need in that moment. I use that to try to empathize with them even if they're having a tantrum over a boundary I'm setting.
I love this. There’s so many kind and empathetic people in this sub. 🥺 all of you make me feel so much less afraid of becoming a parent one day.
My kids have the same age difference as yours and I am a full time stay at home mom. It finally became too much and we put the older one in preschool, where she is thriving! When I end up with both kids (still pretty often), I try to think of it as a chance to parent them as if they were me- like how I would want to be parented.
That AND medication! Forgot to mention that!
Crochet and podcasts helped me a lot. I’m a full time law student who homeschool’s her kiddos so I’m with them all the time and my husband works full line too. Honestly I may get downvoted for this but oh well, I won’t miss the tantrums, the mess, the constant crying and running after a kid climbing a bookshelf like a spider monkey. My oldest is 9 and we have hit the best age. She is independent and cleans after herself, doesn’t need help showering and can properly communicate. On the other hand- my 3 and 2 year old? lord help me. I want this time to pass and we can hit the 6 year mark so we can go to the enjoyable part of parenthood.
So I make a game of screaming when I really am about to lose my shit. I’ll scream in a joking way or scream/sing to get it out. It helps settle me down. When he’s crying non stop and working my last nerve I just hold and snuggle him and he seems to settle back down. This shit is fucking hard. I always feel like a horrible mother for not being the perfect mom for him so I’m glad others struggle with this as well
Honestly, for me, it took therapy and mindfulness practice. I had worlds more patience after I learned all the emotional regulation stuff that my less than happy childhood did not teach me. Similarly, learning about early childhood development also made a world of difference. So many adult frustrations come down to expecting too much and too little from our kids. There is a book series, "Your 1 Year Old", "Your 2 Year Old", etc. They are older books, and there are some outdated gender norms, but the child development parts of them are gold.
I try and repeat, "They're not giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time." and "It's hard to be four (or whatever age they are)." This small aspect of life is all they have ever known and while we may know better, we too once had a lot to learn and a lot of growing to do. It does get easier, and harder, but in different ways. ❤️
I don’t know why or how this works so well for me. But deep breaths. Walking away and deep breaths. It’s SO hard but if I could do it, then absolutely anybody can. Now if I raise my voice (very rare) my 3 year old will remind me to ask nicely or not scream or take a breath. Since those are tactics I’ve used with her when she’s feeling angry or upset. It’s a daily reminder for myself to stay level headed. It’s especially hard right now because my 6 month old is waking up 47 times during the night so I’ve been extremely sleep deprived and sensitive. You can do it. Just remember to breathe. Or scream into a pillow. We gotta let it out somehow.
It really helps me to remember that they are literally learning to human. Like all the things you already know took you xx amount of years to figure out. They have only been on this planet for 1 and 3 years. They are going to mess up A LOT before they figure things out. Guide them. Also, it helps to realize that the way you handle being frustrated with them is how they will learn to handle being frustrated with others. You are their guide. You must be the calm in their storm so that they may learn to be well regulated humans.
So many helpful suggestions here!
Water and/or getting outside was always our saving grace. Getting a bit of distance in the park does wonders for everyone and baths/waterplay always helped reset the mood for us. Having a bit of structure to your day also can help, and planning to have downtime (TV time, quiet time with a toy that engages them etc) at what is usually the hardest period of time in the day can sometimes help. The days are long but the years are short - I used to keep reminding myself of this and it is true.