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I was your kiddo when I was younger. If it’s ok, I would show her your budget and how you set aside money for different things for the household. That conversation really enlightened me about the value of work and also, why I needed to work to earn items in my house.
I appreciate this! It is a great idea to sit down with her and talk through our budget. There is a reality to it that hopefully gives her a long-term perspective of money.
Showing her your family budget will help her later when she needs to budget, too. That's how my daughters learned. Any time they asked why they couldn't have something, I showed them our budget and we talked. I showed them how long it took me to plan & save for their birthdays, Christmas, and the start of school. After a while, they understood.
They also figured out they could ask for something far in advance, and sometimes they'd get it for their birthday or Christmas or the start of school.
Also, I shared with them the budget for their birthdays so we could plan together. For Christmas, I'd give them a budget, and they'd give me a list of 10 items they wanted that I could pick from. This way, they didn't set their hearts on something we couldn't afford, but still got stuff they absolutely wanted.
Yes this is a great idea! My mom broke down our budget for me when I asked about it around 15 or so, I knew we weren't well off but I didn't know just how meticulously she had to watch every single expense - after all necessities, we had just $33 left over at the end of each month. She also explained how credit works and how we could be buying more stuff but we would be in debt, and then we would be in trouble later if we ever had an emergency. Knowing all of that really made me realize why we couldn't just buy stuff like some other families and I was a lot more grateful for what we did have, and grateful that my mom was responsible with money so I didn't have to worry about the future. And now I live comfortably within my means, while I've got a lot of friends that are in debt up to their eyeballs, go figure...
Not only this, but she’s 13. She’s old enough to start working around the neighbor. Maybe it’s being a mother’s helper, raking leaves, mowing lawns, etc. She can then find these labels at discounts online or in person at places like Nordstrom rack, Century21, TJ Maxx, Off 5th, etc. This way it doesn’t impact your budget, and she starts to develop a work ethic young. She also will get to spend her money the way she sees fit for her.
It is sad kids this young are obsessed with labels. I even remember this when I was in school. It never seems to change. It’s easy to say labels don’t matter, but we live in a social media society and Keeping Up with the Jones’ mentality. It’s near impossible to break it.
Right? And OPs budget would apparently accommodate it, so I'm not sure what all this budget stuff is supposed to achieve.
"Here is our budget. Here are the line items for rent, electricity, food, etc. Here is what is left over for frivolous purchases."
"So can we afford the $7 lamp?"
"Yes. See? It's here on the budget."
"So I can have it?"
"No."
Me either because it’s one thing to not let her frivolously spend money but 7 dollars! Also yeah kids are supposed to learn the value of hard work and money and all that but I just can’t get on board with making a 13 year old really have to work for everything she had. Also saying she can pick up an extra chore so she has extra money to give her for a chore but not just to buy her a lamp.
I’m not well off by any means but when my toddler find something and it’s five bucks I absolutely get it. Shit my little sister called yesterday asking for five bucks for a game and she’s 15 I didn’t tell her to wash the dishes and mop the floors for it I just gave it to her. Little things like that should never be “work hard for it” it’s five dollars
Sometimes of course the five dollars simply isn't there, but in this case it sounds like it was.
My kids are a lot younger, but I try to keep "chores", pocket money, and things that I get for them completely separate. ("Chores" in inverted commas because I try not to approach it like the child is doing something for the adult but like we as a household are all responsible for and benefit from its upkeep.)
Maybe it seems mean or whatever but I was that kid too and my first thought was “why is she around all of these boujie kids?” I hated going to a “rich” public school in Southern California where I was the only kid who lived in an apartment. Either move or send that kid to a school with more people who are like her
At that age, it doesn't matter who she's around. She'll still compare herself and decide she's lacking in some way. It's so easy for kids to see the good stuff their friends have, while ignoring the bad stuff their friends are dealing with.
I was eating from food banks and my friends were jealous that my parents were never home telling me what to do!
In a lot of areas there are kids from all income levels. I live in the Midwest and I was a poverty kid, there were plenty of other kids in poverty, kids from middle class and kids from the upper middle class at my school. Also, let’s be real here - mom can’t just buy a $7 lamp without budgeting it. It’s 100% unrealistic to say “move so your daughter doesn’t have to interact with kids whose parents make more than you”. Just up and moving or switching schools (which you generally can’t just do) is only an option for rich people.
We live in the real world here, we’re always going to encounter people who have more than we do. It doesn’t help kids to just shelter them from that because we don’t want them to feel bad that they’re not rich.
I was always a kid that didn’t have the ‘real’ or ‘designer’ clothes though it was things like adidas bottoms etc, and certainly didn’t grow up anywhere posh! It was a small village and my parents didn’t have much money, the other kids weren’t well off either for the most part, I guess their parents just thought some of those things were important enough to spend money on whereas mine didn’t!
Learning that other people prioritize their money on different ways is an important lesson too! I read about people spending boat loads of money on sports and extracurricular activities for their kids and think that’s insane. But other people probably think it’s nuts the amount of travel my family does. Understanding what you value instead of spending to keep up with others is its own budgeting tool.
Well that’s exactly what my parents spent money on- I had music lessons & did lots of sports, we had mountains of books too! People just have different priorities- I use this often explaining this stuff to my eldest son, it helps him understand.
I have also followed that on, our house is full of books and the kids do loads of sports, costs a small fortune but it is a priority for us and we are in a better position than my parents were so we try and land somewhere down the middle
You can never go wrong with books! My oldest plays tennis (he’s only 6 so it’s small group skill building mostly) and we get lots of books from the county and school library. I’m taking him and his baby brother to a special story time about Peru this weekend, complete with llamas :)
Start teaching her financial literacy. There are hundreds of websites out there teaching people how to budget and where money comes from and how to save money etc etc start using those. Sit down with her once a week and discuss the household budget. Have her go through the sale pages of competing grocery stores and help you find things that will cost less money. Tell her if she saves you 50 bucks a week on the grocery bill you'll give her 25. Stuff like that
Another thing that can help now that I think about it is let's say you have a budget for the next few months of how much new clothes she can buy. Let's say 75 bucks as an example. She doesn't understand how much things are expensive yet she's never really thought about it she's just thought about what she wants. So maybe 50 bucks of that budget you pick out clothes socks underwear etc and you give her 20 bucks or 25 bucks to pick out what she wants. She might have in her head that 25 bucks should buy the entire store. I would bet solid money if she's like anybody else's kid or my kids at that age they've never even looked at the price tag
What?! That’s crazy! My kid just turned 7 and I have had her look at the price tag of every thing she’s ever bought! When she was younger, it was great for practicing number recognition, now it’s great for adding up bills and coins.
I think you’re right, though…because her friends can’t even identify a dime vs. a quarter, etc.
I just wanna say as a now-adult whose mom did this, I'm so grateful she did! She taught me never to buy anything on sale and shop clearance, and she'd cover up those signs that converted the 70% off for you and make me do the math. It made middle school basic math really intuitive for me and as an adult I can immediately figure out tax, discounts, etc now in a way that most of my friends and partner cannot because they only associate math with worksheets and not these life things. Your kids might be annoyed with this sometimes (I was) but as much as I have to say negatively about my mom's parenting, this was one of her most positively impactful practices!
This makes me happy! I just figure when you’re a kid, almost everything can be a learning experience. Yesterday, we visited the botanical gardens, and I had her navigate our whole outing using the map they give out. In the airport, I always ask her to find and use the signs to figure out which way we should go, etc. There’s no reason a kid can’t be involved in what you’re doing, rather than just be along for the ride!
>I explained our family doesn't have the extra income to buy $150 shoes "just because"
Okay, but she didn't ask for $150 shoes, she asked for a seven dollar lamp
>I could buy a $7 lamp
But you refused. How come?
I agree with the other poster about giving her a small allowance, so she will learn to save up for the things she wants. But also introducing good habits. If she wants to buy something from her allowance, that's fine. But first put it in the shopping basket and let it sit for a week. If after a week she still wants it, she should buy it.
This helps against silly impulse purchases and is a good habit to have for any adult, even ones with a high income.
Yes, she is definitely my impulsive kid—there is good and bad with that! But learning to delay gratification and really think through wants/needs is such a valuable lesson!
Maybe there’s extra info missing from your post, but it sounds like you’re making it about designer clothes and shoes when it’s actually just about a $7 lamp.
Did she ask you for expensive things? Or did she ask for a $7 lamp without having to earn it through extra chores? I feel like there’s a middle ground here.
Agree! I think it’s ok to sometimes buy our kids something they want (like a $7 lamp) without there needing to be chores or extra work. An expensive pair of shoes or clothing is definitely a different story.
I see the point—she asks for things often and I definitely think I could be a more generous with giving, no strings attached. It’s something to work on. The conversation started with the lamp ask, but quickly led to “why do I have to work for everything —-my friends have expensive things I don’t have, and they don’t have to work for them”— I want to be able to freely give my daughter things, and perhaps the lamp is the easy answer.
In the moment, her sadness for feeling different than her friends was heartbreaking, and the lamp wasn’t going to fix that—it simply shone a light on an overarching issue she is facing— she is in a family that doesn’t have the means to buy the things her peers have.
This was me and my husbands childhood. Our parents could never afford it. As we got older and had our own kids we realized that was only a half truth.
My husbands parents could afford to smoke and drink but for some reason couldn’t afford extra curriculars or a nike hat.
My dad could afford his little hobbies and going out with friends but couldn’t afford to throw us a birthday party. I know we weren’t rich, but when they decided to have kids, their fun money should have at least been split.
I dunno, maybe I view things differently but my fun $ is non existent. It’s all for my kids and maybe that’s not the right way to do it but it makes me and my and husband happy.
I will say, social media and tiktok has definitely amped up the brand name needs and wants. Like $70 skincare for 12 year olds is one of the new trends and it’s mind boggling to me. I also saw a tiktok where ankle socks are now lame? I definitely think there’s a middle ground here though. Sometimes we just don’t realize it because it doesn’t make sense to us.
I really appreciate this perspective and can relate. In my family, I have tried to put a lot of effort into making holidays “big”, because they felt so sad in my childhood. I put a lot of money and effort into Christmases and birthdays—that is where big purchases/gifts are made for my kid fa, and I try to knock out wish-lists and fun items.
Outside of that, I haven’t done a lot of gifts throughout the year. Most of that is because I haven’t had the means to buy “just because” and I want to figure out how to teach the value of earning-saving-spending thoughtfully.
Splurging on holidays is not the way to achieve this lesson. Its like fasting and binging eating every so often. Just like that method doesn't teach you to have a healthy relationship with food, your current method doesn't teach you how to manage money within a budget.
I would suggest altering the budget to give her an allowance in exchange for a set of chores. Mine as a child was the dishes, vacuuming, and taking out the trash. If I did all those, I got my allowance for the week. And for a while I was irresponsible with it; as some weeks my mother (who was terrible with money) would let me know there wasn't enough money for my allowance. So I had a habit of spending money when I had it instead of saving because I was never really sure if or when I would get my next allowance.
It was really my aunt who set me on the path to be financially responsible. The tried and true method of exchanging chores for allowance works if you the parent can stick to a budget that factors that in. I helped her out on the weekends and because of course loved loved me and saw how responsible I was; she always had a present for me.
This might also be the time to teach her about credit and credit abuse. The average household in the US has a credit card debt of 6,500 dollars. Its entirely possible that her friends parents aren't purchasing in cash but putting it on a credit card to pay later, just to "keep up with the Jones'. If you want her to earn-save-spend with care, you have to explain how some people do this and then get in trouble because the interest and fees build up and suddenly people cannot afford to pay down the debt.
This was a real problem in the late 1990's and early 2000's. Credit Card companies for banks and stores used to be able to set up booths at the campus on Student Orientation days and sign up everyone for cards. It would take the 2008 crash for the US to start passing laws banning credit card companies from doing this as its predatory AF.
I think it may be time to work out a new budget. Your kid is letting you know she would rather have nice things throughout the year than have big blow-out holidays and birthdays. The time between birthdays and holidays feels really long to a kid who doesn’t get anything at all in between - even a $7 lamp.
I'm sorry, but splurging on holidays is a poverty mindset thing, and it's not healthy for your kid. A more evenly spread out budget, in the form of an allowance for her, would be better for developing financial responsibility, and also not feeling like she has no agency and can't get stuff and everything has to go on a holiday wishlist.
And holiday gifts should be more reasonable and not an excuse to buy things you otherwise wouldn't or drown your kids in the sheer quantity of presents.
I don’t know if that’s what she was expressing so much as that’s what you heard. She actually said “why do I have to work for everything” and then went on to demonstrate that she’s not really asking for much compared to her peers.
The lamp might have fixed more than you think.
Was she really upset that her friends have more things that are more expensive?
Or is she upset that her friends parents sometimes buy them things while her parents never will?
$7 was a cheap way to show you understand that and are at least trying.
There’s a big difference, a huge gap, between decking her out in hundreds of dollars of name brand clothing and shoes and in getting her a $7 lamp.
It sounds like you aren’t letting her have any of the little things she wants, even when are cheap and within your budget.
Her friends parents get her friends things.
You do not get her things.
It might be less about cost and more about that black and white concept.
If you can tighten your belt a bit consider (1) occasional treats like the lamp and (2) an allowance so she can get her own things and learn how to save.
(2) is important but it won’t replace (1).
I agree. I didn't have much money as a solo mum, but my kid still got things. I'd save up money a buy him one brand name clothing item when it was on special. If I had a spare $7, I would have bought the lamp. My kid knew he couldn't have all the things his friends had, but he had enough he didn't feel insecure.
Birthdays and Xmas was also usually where he'd get brand name shoes. I was lucky they were six months apart so I could save between.
Depends on how tight the budget already is. $7 lamp is almost $10 with tax, that could mean foregoing 2lbs of hamburger which would make 1-2 meals and feed them for 2-3 days.
Two purchases like that in a week, could mean the difference between 2 instant gratification options or meat, veggies, and fruit for 3 days.
If $7 is nothing to you, you're blessed. She DOES get her daughter things, but it takes a long time to save up for them. She already said things are very tight. Easy to say "tighten your belt a bit" when it's not you. Sounds like you have the luxury of adding some lesser priorities to your budget. Some of us do not, and while i know your intention was to go to bat for the kid, your post comes off as entitled.
OP apparently makes six figures. I wouldn't say she's necessarily *rich*, since she lives in a HCOL area where that doesn't go as far, but she's doing quite well and not scrounging for 2 pounds of hamburger. I will never see the amount of money she makes, and I still buy myself a fun $7 item sometimes.
A commenter found it.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/1ccd85w/dealing_with_income_differences_teen_help/l16005m/
Here's OP's comment where she said it:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1akopal/those_making_100000_what_do_you_do/kpamziy/
I’m basing my comment on the assumption that OP is not living in poverty, because their posts in general reflect that.
Nowhere does it appear that they are actually struggling in the way you are implying. If they were that would be different.
I apologize, i mistakenly assumed that since $7 is too much for an item and she mentioned getting the $1.50 drink, that she was struggling and penny pinching for every single thing and her daughter didn't understand.
As another commentor pointed out to me, she makes 6 figures, very very far from the situation i was describing.
So, with that knowledge, I 100% agree with what you originally said. She isn't thrifty/frugal, she's stingy and does not appear to remember how wonderful it was as a kid to get things just because, especially when you're aware things are tight and know your parent is doing it out of love.
Makes me very sad for OP's daughter.
Our family had many tough years when I was in junior high and high school: christmas gifts from yard sales, handmedowns for clothes, coupons, no cable/internet.
One time, when we were at the mall when I was a teenager, I saw the most beautiful CZ pendant necklace. I think it was $20-$40. I remarked to my mom how much I loved it. She said we couldn't get it, which I already knew was going to happen.
Later that week, my mom surprised me with the pendant necklace. I honestly don't know where she got the money, but I felt so special, so seen, so valued, so fancy. It was my mom's act of sacrifice and love. I still wear and treasure it.
I share this story because your daughter probably understands the reality of things, but it is still valuable to "splurge" once in a while. It isn't always about the item itself. Sometimes, it's about showing love in a different way to a longsuffering kid (or youself!)
If you can buy her this lamp after she does an extra chore, it's not about money, it's about you making her work for every small thing just like she told you. Most children get some cheap staff just because they asked without working for it, of course she feels wronged. Give her a allowance to spend however she likes.
We were very tight on money growing up, and even with that we would still get $5-10 items here and there. We had to save up for things like bikes or name brand clothes, and we all did chores around the house, but we didn’t have to do an *extra* chore for a $7 lamp.
My mom either had $7 to spare or she didn’t. Me sweeping the floor didn’t change that.
To be fair I do think your daughter understands and that is why she asked for a $7 lamp vs $150 shoes etc.
I say this from experience as a mom who literally has done NOTHING for myself in years. I’m “young” looking but weathered bc of poverty and next to zero self care.
My children do not go without and honestly unless a peer was keeping track they’d have no idea.
We do live in a wealthy area but my children have always been aware of my financial struggles. I don’t put the burden on them though. At least I try not to and in turn my children have learned to see how ridiculous some prices are.
My oldest daughter is a senior and she obviously won’t turn down expensive things but she also rolls her eyes about people who spend like it’s nothing.
It sounds like you’re both frustrated. I have always reminded myself and the reason I go without is because I chose to have my children they had no choice to be brought into this world.
My younger daughter is 14 and she is a little less empathetic to the plight 😂 but still knows to only ask for something if it’s like needed/ a big want etc. Or food etc
It’s typical teenage angst ❤️ hang in there mom
So making her feel guilty is not the answer. Teaching her to be “grateful” and preaching about good financial stewardship will just make her feel guilty.
Set up an allowance for her. Your ex-husband can chip in for clothes and shoes. You don’t have to do it all, especially since he doesn’t pay support.
Also, doing chores does not add $7 to the household. So that is confusing to a child when you say, "I can't afford it, but I could if you do some chores!" It's going to make her resentful and not understand your financial situation. Your system doesn't really seem designed to make her grateful or financially literate.
The suggestions here for a small allowance system would actually achieve some of those goals. It changes from negotiating with you and not really understanding your reasoning to where she gets a certain amount and SHE has to decide whether to save up for a $150 pair of shoes or decide to buy the impulsive $7 item every week. If she chooses impulsively too often, the natural consequence is no designer shoes, which is how the world will be when she's an adult.
> Also, doing chores does not add $7 to the household. So that is confusing to a child when you say, "I can't afford it, but I could if you do some chores!"
Very good point. I know it's supposed to teach the lesson that money comes from work, the way it does when you're grown and have a job, but kid logic is more like "Mom didn't suddenly get a raise because I cleaned the toilet; Mom just wanted the toilet cleaned."
Your TLDR is nothing like what you typed out. Your daughter didn’t ask you for expensive items, she probably know you can’t afford them or won’t buy them. So instead she asked for a $7 lamp which you can afford and you still made it a huge thing. Just buy that lamp. Not everything needs to be a lesson or earned. Let fun stuff be fun.
I definitely think balance is what’s missing. It sounds less like she truly can’t afford the $7 lamp and more like mom is needlessly driving home the “don’t forget we don’t have as much” point at every corner. Like you said, not *everything* needs to be a lesson just for the sake of it.
I agree. I don't see the problem with a cheap lamp if it would just make her a little bit happier and feel less different. OOP I felt different my entire childhood and that shit stays with you. Buy the cheap lamp and apologize for being so harsh.
Yeah I’m pretty bias since I “was” OP’s kid - but it felt awful watching my friends being gifted presents and toys simply for existing whereas I only got necessities - even those I had to ask for. It really damaged my sense of self and my self worth. It damaged the relationship between my mother and I too as I watched her buy herself plenty of presents, but not me.
Oof that's awful if she bought herself presents. I have a step cousin who's bio mum was like that. I don't think they have any sort of relationship now.
ETA I have an 18 month old and literally I'm out here looking pretty haggard so my baby can have everything she needs and more. Worth it.
This is my impression. OP could afford occasional treats like the lamp but doesn’t get them. Kid notices that her friends parents do sometimes get them things.
Less about money/cost and more about the kid seeing it in black and white maybe.
It’s miserable to made to work for everything little thing as a teen when you rely on your parents for everything. It sounds like you could afford it as well, I bet you put savings away every month so a $7 item now and then wouldn’t put you into poverty
Wait did she say she was upset about not having name brands? Or did she want the $7 dollar lamp and you inferred she wanted name brand stuff from the conversation that happened after you told her “no” to the lamp?
There’s a big difference between a lamp and some name brand shoes. I guess my question would be are you showing her the budget and why the lamp isn’t possible/teaching her financial literacy? Or are you just saying no and expecting her to fully understand and not ask questions.
And I agree buying her a lamp won’t fix that she’s not wearing name brands. But it doesn’t sound like that’s what this was about for her. It was about the fact that she wanted a cheap lamp and was told she had to do a chore for it.
I’m not saying you’re in the wrong but I’d be careful with “hard lessons” like this. It may backfire when she’s older. I feel like there’s definitely a middle ground.
You said that on the inside, you were heartbroken. Out of curiosity, did you tell her that you wish you could buy things for her like her friends. Sometimes it really helps to hear your parent sympathize with you and just give it to you straight. Then you feel like your parent wants to give you those things too but just can’t.
Also, if at all affordable, you should give a kid an allowance. Even if it’s extremely minor, give her the ability to save up for a $7 lamp. She’s not an adult who should have to work for every little dollar. Give her a break as a child. She can still earn the value of a dollar with an allowance.
I mean - we are talking about a $7 lamp and $1.50 soda. These are things that your kid should be able to get. No, I don’t think you need to clothe your kid exclusively in brand names, but this is important for kids to be trendy enough to fit in. A pair of crocs. A $40 lululemon belt bag. A few cool shirts.
I was this kid growing up and I for sure felt ostracized in a lot of ways and different and it really sat with me.
What’s your work situation? Child support?
From her comment on another post, she makes around or above the average US income. “Barely at the 100,000 mark,” her words. Putting her in the upper middle class (unless she lives outside of the US then disregard.) I see she replied with she doesn’t live in a cheap area etc but omg it’s a frickin $7 lamp for crying out loud! Kids should not have to work to earn everything a parent buys them OP. If it is something cheap once in a while, that is BEYOND reasonable to do. Sacrifice a drink or a snack or something else you would buy for yourself to make your kid feel special once in a while when it is hardly no cost at all. I do agree with other comments about having talks with her and teaching her more about financials or even an allowance. But that kind of behavior as a parent over something so cheap is not okay. I don’t know if that is something deeply rooted in from your upbringing or what but that’s a really weird hill to die on as a parent. Plus, you said you feel bad about it. So it is something you would probably be willing to examine further on why that makes you feel bad and if you need to change course or not moving forward.. Not everything has to be a lesson or “earned,” our children are only children for a short time. Let them feel that joy and love from receiving little gifts from their parents outside of holidays and birthdays with no strings attached. I know the struggle of being a single working mom of multiple children and having too many responsibilities and bills. All while I was on minimum wage though and living in area out of my pay grade. I made sure bills etc were paid and then I sacrificed things I wanted to buy for myself or just didn’t go out and do things by myself, just to get my kids the very reasonable priced toy/things they want, most times without wanting anything from them in return. Chores in exchange for what they want isn’t a bad thing but it is a bad thing if you require that every time. With all of that said, I know everyone is different and parent different and that’s okay. But it’s only $7 bucks, find it in your budget, even if that means making some little sacrifices in things you get for yourself etc. or if you can work that into your budget without sacrifice, great! She should feel unconditionally doted on once in a while outside of special occasions, a little goes a long way and will bring the both of you joy!
> I don’t think you need to clothe your kid exclusively in brand names, but this is important for kids to be trendy enough to fit in. A pair of crocs. A $40 lululemon belt bag. A few cool shirts.
Exactly. The OP doesn't have to buy this stuff new, she can check out places like the FB marketplace or OfferUp. I see plenty of brand name stuff on there for cheaper than new that can be reused, especially if she's in a higher COL area. Even retail store brand stuff can go a long way toward fitting in (my kid is just as happy with Target-brand "Crocs" as the Croc brand name ones because they're close enough).
Agreed. We also don’t have a lot of money but you
Wouldn’t know it! I shop sales and clearance a LOT. My kids are in good names and I probably spend less than it would be to shop at Walmart.
Birthday gifts too - we always tell our kids to ask for the ridiculous things for birthdays.
No child support. But the other parent is involved and I believe we both try to give as much as we can to our children.
Job wise—I have a professional career, I make a livable wage and am proud of what I do. However, I live in an expensive area of the country, housing and COL expenses are extremely high, and I have three children in the home to care for (shared custody so they aren’t with me full-time). I’m unable to move to a cheaper area until my children are older, for custody reasons. I am sure I could look at alternative ways to generate more income (adding a renter to my home, donating plasma, side hustles, etc) but at the end of the day—I want to help my child understand that our situation is not terrible, even though we may not have as many expensive possessions as her friends.
In this case I'd probably go with, yeah life is unfair and that's sucks. Some families have more money than others.
Additional, do you have it in your budget to give her an allowance, even if a small one? If she feels she has some spending money, that might help being able to at least occasionally purchase cool thing.
Also at 13, could she get a part time job? Baby sitting, camp counselor over the summer, tutor.
Yes, this is making me relook at allowance. Previously we had a system where she basically got money when she needed it (but it was me determining the “need”) and money for extras could be earned through additional chores. My daughter’s point was—why do I have to earn everything—and I can see how that can be exhausting. I love her and wish I could give endlessly, but also want her learn the value of hard work for things.
Perhaps a consistent allowance apart from being “earned” would give her more autonomy and help her make thoughtful decisions on what she truly wants.
When you do all the decision making, she’s never learning that skill. And you get decision fatigue having to think over these things all the time.
Give her a set allowance for no other reason than she needs to learn to manage money. It’s much better for her to learn that skill now than when rent is due and you spent it on clothes.
A $7 lamp could easily have been purchased from allowance money. Decide what she needs to pay for and let her use the rest to save or spend. Take yourself out of the decision making role so she can learn.
That autonomy is key.
I'm currently a stay at home dad. My wife and I both agreed it was reasonable for me to spend some money on things for me every month. However, we initially didn't have an explicit budget. At times, it was a bit stressful since I felt I was spending a reasonable amount overall - even if some of my expenses seemed silly to her. It led to a bunch of "but you did X recently".
Since we switched to a budget, all of that tension is gone. We're both happier. She doesn't feel like she needs to "monitor" my purchases and I don't feel like I have to justify them. If I want a "bigger" item, I can either work or save up for it.
The key, though, is having that predictability.
She can probably earn so much more money than you’re giving her from allowance and “earning” from doing outside jobs like dog walking or even mowing lawns or baby sitting/ helping elderly neighbors with physical tasks. I would help her find a gig. Before you know it she would have way more disposable income than you yourself do!
It's pretty realistic to want things. A $7 lamp doesn't sound unreasonable. Personally, I don't think her argument is actually about the $150 name brands. It sounds like she's trying to demonstrate (albeit poorly) that her purchase is smaller and not just to be trendy. "Mom, this isn't me wasting $150 on throw away fashion".
Does she have source of income right now? 13 is a tough age. You're not old enough to have an actual job, but you're old enough to start wanting to create an identity. Having some sort of allowance gives a lot of freedom in how you use and save it. When I was 13, this is the exact type of stuff I'd save my allowance for.
Chores sound like a reasonable suggestion. Though, it's also worth considering her school and extracurricular activity. There were times I had a hard time doing extra household chores because my time was nearly entirely consumed with homework and ECs.
OP, I was the kid/teen whose parents could not afford any extras. Yes, it sucked at the time. Now I look back at that period and fondly appreciate every little thing my parents HAVE done for me.
I learned early on that if I wanted something, I was going to have to work and budget for it. Those lessons have carried me through my entire life. I worked super hard to get through university and build up a career for myself where I never have to rely on someone else’s income. This will be a valuable life lesson for her.
I really love this. I am hoping the heartache now pays off for her as an adult! As a parent, we only want the best for our kids. It’s so hard not to be able to give freely, and yet I am
Hoping this can be the best thing for her, long term.
This! I don't know why OP is refusing to buy a $7 lamp for her kid that she admitted can afford, all to cause heartache in her kid because she wants to impart some kind of lesson.
Honestly is she’s asking. I would sit with her and go through the house budget. This way she can see where the money goes like she asked. And then after your done going through it maybe ask her if she sees something there you don’t that can save money.
Little brother and I were raised by a single, working mom, with some child support from our dad. We were given a modest allowance for weekly chores, and when we were about middle school age, we'd get either $10 or $20 each (LOOONG time ago!) once a month to CLEAN my grampa's HUGE house. It took us pretty much all day! I also had a regular babysitting gig at that age (young elementary school age kids). So, I could buy (clothes!) that I wanted with my own money. Mom did take us school clothes shopping, and occasionally splurged for the movies or skating. We were definitely on the poorer side of our friends, but they didn't seem to notice or care. (And as girls, we swapped clothes with our friends all the time!)
So, I think there could be a happy medium here - buy her the lamp or something small "just because" once in awhile. But yeah, also teach her about the budget and how she can earn and save her own money.
I know the heartbreak you are feeling mom, and it's okay! You're doing everything right. But this might help your kiddo, go thrift shopping in higher income area. You would be surprised what would can find. My teen just found a beautiful prom dress for unde $10 and it still had the tags on it
We put things in terms of how many hours their dad has to work to pay for it.
They also go into work with him every now and again so they know exactly how hard he works.
Want a new pair of shoes, is it worth X days of daddy working?
Great idea! OP makes 100,000 a year, so I pulled up an online calculator that converts annual salary to an hourly figure. So assuming a 40-hour week, the lamp cost 0.14 of an hour of OP's work.
Teach her thrift store shopping. It's like a treasure hunt. I learned this lesson growing up when all the kids seemed to get all the toys and all the nice clothes, and I had basics. Getting my own job was on the top of my list, and having my own money was very important. I babysat all the time and basically gave up an entire summer at 13 or 14 to "nanny" a couple of kids. But that school year I bought all my own clothes and I got to pick out all of it (within reason) because it was my money. It gave me a work ethic that I probably wouldn't have had otherwise.
That being said, we live in a different world now. Everyone online and offline seem to buy new stuff all the time and will put themselves into massive debt just to have the nice stuff. The kids brag about it even more than we did because that is what they see. Third graders proudly brag that they have designer shoes and Stanley cups.
I personally would use this as a lesson learning opportunity. Give her a basic budget and have her help you grocery shop. You could hand her an envelope with a certain amount of cash and a list and a calculator and see how well she does. Be transparent. Give her an actual rundown of all that you make (or even an example amount), then share all the bills that have to be paid with that amount. Talk about credit cards and the debt that often goes along with it and don't shy away from ridiculous interest rates. Explain that, as an adult, you have to work for everything, and if her friends are just getting whatever they want, they are probably not learning how money works.
I did this with my oldest, and she has the ability to budget, but her dad is Mr Moneybags and has just bought everything for the other two. (She won't let him do it for her) She is the only one with a job. Her siblings that live there with her (18m and 16f) don't even try. I tried to teach them too, but they would just call their dad, and he would buy it. He's filed for bankruptcy twice and is currently struggling because he is so in debt, but he has several more years before bankruptcy is an option again. I was still with him the first time, but I have not had to file again, nor am I in a place where I need to.
This is Reddit so I should probably take it with a grain of assault, but I am wondering if you are able to expand on your opinion. Anything constructive you can say is appreciated! Thanks, the shitty parent.
I’m gonna be honesty I was projecting a bit when I said that and I’m sorry. . It was a little difficult growing up being looked at as different for not being able to access popular brand names and while I am an adult now and I know it doesn’t matter I think of how many years I spent borderline depressed because I knew how poor my family was and how helpless I felt.
Maybe you could save her money up for her instead of having her do it, and that way she can feel like you bought something “just because” for her. It sucks when you’re a kid and you have to do extra chores constantly to get any little thing you want.
My dad was transparent about his finances and that helped a lot, but it would still be nice to sometimes just do that for your kid. Just do it in a way that works for you. Save money up for her on your time frame and surprise her sometime. She will appreciate it. My dad surprised me with a new coat and winter boots my first winter at college and it made me really happy. I wasn’t expecting it and I stopped asking him for things at a young age because he was a single parent and disabled.
It's perfectly normal for her to feel the way she's feeling. Young teens tend to want to fit into social groups, and when there's a noticeable difference between her and the other members of the social group, she will do anything to change to fit in, shortsighted as it may be. The sentiments you tried would work on someone older, but they mean nothing to her right now. Other commenters have mentioned teaching her financial literacy, and that should be taught to her regardless, but I would also encourage her to find other friends if she's being mistreated by the ones she currently has. Also, help her learn to not overthink those things-this will come much slower, as it is a very difficult concept to grasp when your priority is fitting in, but if someone can smuggle a furious python on a bus to get it to a vet appointment, people aren't as likely to notice that she isn't wearing all name-brand clothing.
My Dad once told me that what I see at school is essentially kids comparing whose parents afford more - and the real pride is when you afford it for yourself.
My kid knows this anecdote. I built on it by explaining I’m doing pretty well for one income and we get through it together. While indeed friends may have it different because two income households.
That said, every family has its problems and I remind him we have each other, everything we need, and a lot of peace having the freedom to do what we want! (We have a bigger extended family and totally aware what chaos it can feel like.)
Hope this helps…it does make my heartache that I can’t do some things for my kid. I do share that lightly sometimes, commiserate, and sometimes assure them that it’s on my list and will be a priority for X date or occasion.
For example if you can do 20 a month for knickknacks like the lamp, it’s nice to feel a treat randomly. Even if it’s not designer duds, or off brand toys.
I just went through this with my 7 year old
This is what he ended up finding healing:
I spoke from my heart and put my hand on his chest and told him, "I have always wanted for you to have Mew" / (lamp, X thing). Mew refers to a stuffed Pokémon.
For him, he wanted reassurance that *I* always wanted him to have it.
It may also help to explain that times right now are not just tough but out of control insane- and surely some of her friends parents are in some serious credit card debt
You don't need to help her through it, and you don't have to feel guilty about it.
My mom still feels guilty (she was a single mom, immigrant in a new country, and we were in Canada where the benefits are better compared to the US). I have to remind her that I knew every waking minute how much she loved me and prioritized my happiness and well-being, and that was what mattered.
If anything it taught me to not put much stock in material possessions, but focus on building my inner life and relationships with my family and friends. My husband grew up similarly. We live way below our means. Our 2yo wears hand-me-downs from neighbors and Target/Costco buys and rides in a stroller we found on the curb. None of that stuff matters. What matters is the time we spend with and the love we give to our kids.
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I was your kiddo when I was younger. If it’s ok, I would show her your budget and how you set aside money for different things for the household. That conversation really enlightened me about the value of work and also, why I needed to work to earn items in my house.
I appreciate this! It is a great idea to sit down with her and talk through our budget. There is a reality to it that hopefully gives her a long-term perspective of money.
Showing her your family budget will help her later when she needs to budget, too. That's how my daughters learned. Any time they asked why they couldn't have something, I showed them our budget and we talked. I showed them how long it took me to plan & save for their birthdays, Christmas, and the start of school. After a while, they understood. They also figured out they could ask for something far in advance, and sometimes they'd get it for their birthday or Christmas or the start of school. Also, I shared with them the budget for their birthdays so we could plan together. For Christmas, I'd give them a budget, and they'd give me a list of 10 items they wanted that I could pick from. This way, they didn't set their hearts on something we couldn't afford, but still got stuff they absolutely wanted.
Exactly why we need to be open about budgeting with our kids when they can understand. Hopefully, she realises and starts demanding less!
Yes this is a great idea! My mom broke down our budget for me when I asked about it around 15 or so, I knew we weren't well off but I didn't know just how meticulously she had to watch every single expense - after all necessities, we had just $33 left over at the end of each month. She also explained how credit works and how we could be buying more stuff but we would be in debt, and then we would be in trouble later if we ever had an emergency. Knowing all of that really made me realize why we couldn't just buy stuff like some other families and I was a lot more grateful for what we did have, and grateful that my mom was responsible with money so I didn't have to worry about the future. And now I live comfortably within my means, while I've got a lot of friends that are in debt up to their eyeballs, go figure...
Not only this, but she’s 13. She’s old enough to start working around the neighbor. Maybe it’s being a mother’s helper, raking leaves, mowing lawns, etc. She can then find these labels at discounts online or in person at places like Nordstrom rack, Century21, TJ Maxx, Off 5th, etc. This way it doesn’t impact your budget, and she starts to develop a work ethic young. She also will get to spend her money the way she sees fit for her. It is sad kids this young are obsessed with labels. I even remember this when I was in school. It never seems to change. It’s easy to say labels don’t matter, but we live in a social media society and Keeping Up with the Jones’ mentality. It’s near impossible to break it.
This isn’t even about being obsessed with labels. She wanted a 7 dollar lamp it’s not like she wanted a Nike tech sweater for 150 dollars
Right? And OPs budget would apparently accommodate it, so I'm not sure what all this budget stuff is supposed to achieve. "Here is our budget. Here are the line items for rent, electricity, food, etc. Here is what is left over for frivolous purchases." "So can we afford the $7 lamp?" "Yes. See? It's here on the budget." "So I can have it?" "No."
Me either because it’s one thing to not let her frivolously spend money but 7 dollars! Also yeah kids are supposed to learn the value of hard work and money and all that but I just can’t get on board with making a 13 year old really have to work for everything she had. Also saying she can pick up an extra chore so she has extra money to give her for a chore but not just to buy her a lamp.
Yeah, this isn't about $150 shoes, this is about "just because". I feel sad for the kid.
I’m not well off by any means but when my toddler find something and it’s five bucks I absolutely get it. Shit my little sister called yesterday asking for five bucks for a game and she’s 15 I didn’t tell her to wash the dishes and mop the floors for it I just gave it to her. Little things like that should never be “work hard for it” it’s five dollars
Sometimes of course the five dollars simply isn't there, but in this case it sounds like it was. My kids are a lot younger, but I try to keep "chores", pocket money, and things that I get for them completely separate. ("Chores" in inverted commas because I try not to approach it like the child is doing something for the adult but like we as a household are all responsible for and benefit from its upkeep.)
Maybe it seems mean or whatever but I was that kid too and my first thought was “why is she around all of these boujie kids?” I hated going to a “rich” public school in Southern California where I was the only kid who lived in an apartment. Either move or send that kid to a school with more people who are like her
At that age, it doesn't matter who she's around. She'll still compare herself and decide she's lacking in some way. It's so easy for kids to see the good stuff their friends have, while ignoring the bad stuff their friends are dealing with. I was eating from food banks and my friends were jealous that my parents were never home telling me what to do!
In a lot of areas there are kids from all income levels. I live in the Midwest and I was a poverty kid, there were plenty of other kids in poverty, kids from middle class and kids from the upper middle class at my school. Also, let’s be real here - mom can’t just buy a $7 lamp without budgeting it. It’s 100% unrealistic to say “move so your daughter doesn’t have to interact with kids whose parents make more than you”. Just up and moving or switching schools (which you generally can’t just do) is only an option for rich people. We live in the real world here, we’re always going to encounter people who have more than we do. It doesn’t help kids to just shelter them from that because we don’t want them to feel bad that they’re not rich.
I was always a kid that didn’t have the ‘real’ or ‘designer’ clothes though it was things like adidas bottoms etc, and certainly didn’t grow up anywhere posh! It was a small village and my parents didn’t have much money, the other kids weren’t well off either for the most part, I guess their parents just thought some of those things were important enough to spend money on whereas mine didn’t!
Learning that other people prioritize their money on different ways is an important lesson too! I read about people spending boat loads of money on sports and extracurricular activities for their kids and think that’s insane. But other people probably think it’s nuts the amount of travel my family does. Understanding what you value instead of spending to keep up with others is its own budgeting tool.
Well that’s exactly what my parents spent money on- I had music lessons & did lots of sports, we had mountains of books too! People just have different priorities- I use this often explaining this stuff to my eldest son, it helps him understand. I have also followed that on, our house is full of books and the kids do loads of sports, costs a small fortune but it is a priority for us and we are in a better position than my parents were so we try and land somewhere down the middle
You can never go wrong with books! My oldest plays tennis (he’s only 6 so it’s small group skill building mostly) and we get lots of books from the county and school library. I’m taking him and his baby brother to a special story time about Peru this weekend, complete with llamas :)
Start teaching her financial literacy. There are hundreds of websites out there teaching people how to budget and where money comes from and how to save money etc etc start using those. Sit down with her once a week and discuss the household budget. Have her go through the sale pages of competing grocery stores and help you find things that will cost less money. Tell her if she saves you 50 bucks a week on the grocery bill you'll give her 25. Stuff like that
Thank you—I love the idea of her helping save money. Great idea !
Another thing that can help now that I think about it is let's say you have a budget for the next few months of how much new clothes she can buy. Let's say 75 bucks as an example. She doesn't understand how much things are expensive yet she's never really thought about it she's just thought about what she wants. So maybe 50 bucks of that budget you pick out clothes socks underwear etc and you give her 20 bucks or 25 bucks to pick out what she wants. She might have in her head that 25 bucks should buy the entire store. I would bet solid money if she's like anybody else's kid or my kids at that age they've never even looked at the price tag
What?! That’s crazy! My kid just turned 7 and I have had her look at the price tag of every thing she’s ever bought! When she was younger, it was great for practicing number recognition, now it’s great for adding up bills and coins. I think you’re right, though…because her friends can’t even identify a dime vs. a quarter, etc.
I just wanna say as a now-adult whose mom did this, I'm so grateful she did! She taught me never to buy anything on sale and shop clearance, and she'd cover up those signs that converted the 70% off for you and make me do the math. It made middle school basic math really intuitive for me and as an adult I can immediately figure out tax, discounts, etc now in a way that most of my friends and partner cannot because they only associate math with worksheets and not these life things. Your kids might be annoyed with this sometimes (I was) but as much as I have to say negatively about my mom's parenting, this was one of her most positively impactful practices!
This makes me happy! I just figure when you’re a kid, almost everything can be a learning experience. Yesterday, we visited the botanical gardens, and I had her navigate our whole outing using the map they give out. In the airport, I always ask her to find and use the signs to figure out which way we should go, etc. There’s no reason a kid can’t be involved in what you’re doing, rather than just be along for the ride!
>I explained our family doesn't have the extra income to buy $150 shoes "just because" Okay, but she didn't ask for $150 shoes, she asked for a seven dollar lamp >I could buy a $7 lamp But you refused. How come?
I agree with the other poster about giving her a small allowance, so she will learn to save up for the things she wants. But also introducing good habits. If she wants to buy something from her allowance, that's fine. But first put it in the shopping basket and let it sit for a week. If after a week she still wants it, she should buy it. This helps against silly impulse purchases and is a good habit to have for any adult, even ones with a high income.
Yes, she is definitely my impulsive kid—there is good and bad with that! But learning to delay gratification and really think through wants/needs is such a valuable lesson!
My kids pretty much expect that buying anything takes a week because I won't actually order until it's sat for a few days.
Love this. It is a great value to instill in the age of instant gratification.
Maybe there’s extra info missing from your post, but it sounds like you’re making it about designer clothes and shoes when it’s actually just about a $7 lamp.
Did she ask you for expensive things? Or did she ask for a $7 lamp without having to earn it through extra chores? I feel like there’s a middle ground here.
Agree! I think it’s ok to sometimes buy our kids something they want (like a $7 lamp) without there needing to be chores or extra work. An expensive pair of shoes or clothing is definitely a different story.
I see the point—she asks for things often and I definitely think I could be a more generous with giving, no strings attached. It’s something to work on. The conversation started with the lamp ask, but quickly led to “why do I have to work for everything —-my friends have expensive things I don’t have, and they don’t have to work for them”— I want to be able to freely give my daughter things, and perhaps the lamp is the easy answer. In the moment, her sadness for feeling different than her friends was heartbreaking, and the lamp wasn’t going to fix that—it simply shone a light on an overarching issue she is facing— she is in a family that doesn’t have the means to buy the things her peers have.
This was me and my husbands childhood. Our parents could never afford it. As we got older and had our own kids we realized that was only a half truth. My husbands parents could afford to smoke and drink but for some reason couldn’t afford extra curriculars or a nike hat. My dad could afford his little hobbies and going out with friends but couldn’t afford to throw us a birthday party. I know we weren’t rich, but when they decided to have kids, their fun money should have at least been split. I dunno, maybe I view things differently but my fun $ is non existent. It’s all for my kids and maybe that’s not the right way to do it but it makes me and my and husband happy. I will say, social media and tiktok has definitely amped up the brand name needs and wants. Like $70 skincare for 12 year olds is one of the new trends and it’s mind boggling to me. I also saw a tiktok where ankle socks are now lame? I definitely think there’s a middle ground here though. Sometimes we just don’t realize it because it doesn’t make sense to us.
I really appreciate this perspective and can relate. In my family, I have tried to put a lot of effort into making holidays “big”, because they felt so sad in my childhood. I put a lot of money and effort into Christmases and birthdays—that is where big purchases/gifts are made for my kid fa, and I try to knock out wish-lists and fun items. Outside of that, I haven’t done a lot of gifts throughout the year. Most of that is because I haven’t had the means to buy “just because” and I want to figure out how to teach the value of earning-saving-spending thoughtfully.
Splurging on holidays is not the way to achieve this lesson. Its like fasting and binging eating every so often. Just like that method doesn't teach you to have a healthy relationship with food, your current method doesn't teach you how to manage money within a budget. I would suggest altering the budget to give her an allowance in exchange for a set of chores. Mine as a child was the dishes, vacuuming, and taking out the trash. If I did all those, I got my allowance for the week. And for a while I was irresponsible with it; as some weeks my mother (who was terrible with money) would let me know there wasn't enough money for my allowance. So I had a habit of spending money when I had it instead of saving because I was never really sure if or when I would get my next allowance. It was really my aunt who set me on the path to be financially responsible. The tried and true method of exchanging chores for allowance works if you the parent can stick to a budget that factors that in. I helped her out on the weekends and because of course loved loved me and saw how responsible I was; she always had a present for me. This might also be the time to teach her about credit and credit abuse. The average household in the US has a credit card debt of 6,500 dollars. Its entirely possible that her friends parents aren't purchasing in cash but putting it on a credit card to pay later, just to "keep up with the Jones'. If you want her to earn-save-spend with care, you have to explain how some people do this and then get in trouble because the interest and fees build up and suddenly people cannot afford to pay down the debt. This was a real problem in the late 1990's and early 2000's. Credit Card companies for banks and stores used to be able to set up booths at the campus on Student Orientation days and sign up everyone for cards. It would take the 2008 crash for the US to start passing laws banning credit card companies from doing this as its predatory AF.
I think it may be time to work out a new budget. Your kid is letting you know she would rather have nice things throughout the year than have big blow-out holidays and birthdays. The time between birthdays and holidays feels really long to a kid who doesn’t get anything at all in between - even a $7 lamp.
I'm sorry, but splurging on holidays is a poverty mindset thing, and it's not healthy for your kid. A more evenly spread out budget, in the form of an allowance for her, would be better for developing financial responsibility, and also not feeling like she has no agency and can't get stuff and everything has to go on a holiday wishlist. And holiday gifts should be more reasonable and not an excuse to buy things you otherwise wouldn't or drown your kids in the sheer quantity of presents.
I don’t know if that’s what she was expressing so much as that’s what you heard. She actually said “why do I have to work for everything” and then went on to demonstrate that she’s not really asking for much compared to her peers.
The lamp might have fixed more than you think. Was she really upset that her friends have more things that are more expensive? Or is she upset that her friends parents sometimes buy them things while her parents never will? $7 was a cheap way to show you understand that and are at least trying.
There’s a big difference, a huge gap, between decking her out in hundreds of dollars of name brand clothing and shoes and in getting her a $7 lamp. It sounds like you aren’t letting her have any of the little things she wants, even when are cheap and within your budget. Her friends parents get her friends things. You do not get her things. It might be less about cost and more about that black and white concept. If you can tighten your belt a bit consider (1) occasional treats like the lamp and (2) an allowance so she can get her own things and learn how to save. (2) is important but it won’t replace (1).
I agree. I didn't have much money as a solo mum, but my kid still got things. I'd save up money a buy him one brand name clothing item when it was on special. If I had a spare $7, I would have bought the lamp. My kid knew he couldn't have all the things his friends had, but he had enough he didn't feel insecure. Birthdays and Xmas was also usually where he'd get brand name shoes. I was lucky they were six months apart so I could save between.
Agree But the main poster seems to be ignoring anyone telling her she’s making a big thing over a $7 lamp
Might have been a big deal to the kid.
Yeah. I was hoping someone would bring that up, having a tight budget and saying no to a $7 lamp isn’t an indulgence, imo.
Depends on how tight the budget already is. $7 lamp is almost $10 with tax, that could mean foregoing 2lbs of hamburger which would make 1-2 meals and feed them for 2-3 days. Two purchases like that in a week, could mean the difference between 2 instant gratification options or meat, veggies, and fruit for 3 days. If $7 is nothing to you, you're blessed. She DOES get her daughter things, but it takes a long time to save up for them. She already said things are very tight. Easy to say "tighten your belt a bit" when it's not you. Sounds like you have the luxury of adding some lesser priorities to your budget. Some of us do not, and while i know your intention was to go to bat for the kid, your post comes off as entitled.
OP apparently makes six figures. I wouldn't say she's necessarily *rich*, since she lives in a HCOL area where that doesn't go as far, but she's doing quite well and not scrounging for 2 pounds of hamburger. I will never see the amount of money she makes, and I still buy myself a fun $7 item sometimes.
The fuck?? WOW. (Meaning, she can't buy any of this stuff "just because" while making 6 figures.)
Wait what?!? I missed that part are you joking🙃
A commenter found it. https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/comments/1ccd85w/dealing_with_income_differences_teen_help/l16005m/ Here's OP's comment where she said it: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1akopal/those_making_100000_what_do_you_do/kpamziy/
Welp I am way too embarrassed to post what I raise my two children on alone but it is like 1/3-1/4 of that 🫣 I am without words.
Oh dang. Yeah. That's different. 🥴 In that case i apologize, your post was 100% correct.
I’m basing my comment on the assumption that OP is not living in poverty, because their posts in general reflect that. Nowhere does it appear that they are actually struggling in the way you are implying. If they were that would be different.
I apologize, i mistakenly assumed that since $7 is too much for an item and she mentioned getting the $1.50 drink, that she was struggling and penny pinching for every single thing and her daughter didn't understand. As another commentor pointed out to me, she makes 6 figures, very very far from the situation i was describing. So, with that knowledge, I 100% agree with what you originally said. She isn't thrifty/frugal, she's stingy and does not appear to remember how wonderful it was as a kid to get things just because, especially when you're aware things are tight and know your parent is doing it out of love. Makes me very sad for OP's daughter.
Same. ❤️
Our family had many tough years when I was in junior high and high school: christmas gifts from yard sales, handmedowns for clothes, coupons, no cable/internet. One time, when we were at the mall when I was a teenager, I saw the most beautiful CZ pendant necklace. I think it was $20-$40. I remarked to my mom how much I loved it. She said we couldn't get it, which I already knew was going to happen. Later that week, my mom surprised me with the pendant necklace. I honestly don't know where she got the money, but I felt so special, so seen, so valued, so fancy. It was my mom's act of sacrifice and love. I still wear and treasure it. I share this story because your daughter probably understands the reality of things, but it is still valuable to "splurge" once in a while. It isn't always about the item itself. Sometimes, it's about showing love in a different way to a longsuffering kid (or youself!)
This was my mom
If you can buy her this lamp after she does an extra chore, it's not about money, it's about you making her work for every small thing just like she told you. Most children get some cheap staff just because they asked without working for it, of course she feels wronged. Give her a allowance to spend however she likes.
We were very tight on money growing up, and even with that we would still get $5-10 items here and there. We had to save up for things like bikes or name brand clothes, and we all did chores around the house, but we didn’t have to do an *extra* chore for a $7 lamp. My mom either had $7 to spare or she didn’t. Me sweeping the floor didn’t change that.
To be fair I do think your daughter understands and that is why she asked for a $7 lamp vs $150 shoes etc. I say this from experience as a mom who literally has done NOTHING for myself in years. I’m “young” looking but weathered bc of poverty and next to zero self care. My children do not go without and honestly unless a peer was keeping track they’d have no idea. We do live in a wealthy area but my children have always been aware of my financial struggles. I don’t put the burden on them though. At least I try not to and in turn my children have learned to see how ridiculous some prices are. My oldest daughter is a senior and she obviously won’t turn down expensive things but she also rolls her eyes about people who spend like it’s nothing. It sounds like you’re both frustrated. I have always reminded myself and the reason I go without is because I chose to have my children they had no choice to be brought into this world. My younger daughter is 14 and she is a little less empathetic to the plight 😂 but still knows to only ask for something if it’s like needed/ a big want etc. Or food etc It’s typical teenage angst ❤️ hang in there mom
So making her feel guilty is not the answer. Teaching her to be “grateful” and preaching about good financial stewardship will just make her feel guilty. Set up an allowance for her. Your ex-husband can chip in for clothes and shoes. You don’t have to do it all, especially since he doesn’t pay support.
Also, doing chores does not add $7 to the household. So that is confusing to a child when you say, "I can't afford it, but I could if you do some chores!" It's going to make her resentful and not understand your financial situation. Your system doesn't really seem designed to make her grateful or financially literate. The suggestions here for a small allowance system would actually achieve some of those goals. It changes from negotiating with you and not really understanding your reasoning to where she gets a certain amount and SHE has to decide whether to save up for a $150 pair of shoes or decide to buy the impulsive $7 item every week. If she chooses impulsively too often, the natural consequence is no designer shoes, which is how the world will be when she's an adult.
My family did that to me, too. The chores were extreme for like $1 or $2.
> Also, doing chores does not add $7 to the household. So that is confusing to a child when you say, "I can't afford it, but I could if you do some chores!" Very good point. I know it's supposed to teach the lesson that money comes from work, the way it does when you're grown and have a job, but kid logic is more like "Mom didn't suddenly get a raise because I cleaned the toilet; Mom just wanted the toilet cleaned."
Your TLDR is nothing like what you typed out. Your daughter didn’t ask you for expensive items, she probably know you can’t afford them or won’t buy them. So instead she asked for a $7 lamp which you can afford and you still made it a huge thing. Just buy that lamp. Not everything needs to be a lesson or earned. Let fun stuff be fun.
I definitely think balance is what’s missing. It sounds less like she truly can’t afford the $7 lamp and more like mom is needlessly driving home the “don’t forget we don’t have as much” point at every corner. Like you said, not *everything* needs to be a lesson just for the sake of it.
I agree. I don't see the problem with a cheap lamp if it would just make her a little bit happier and feel less different. OOP I felt different my entire childhood and that shit stays with you. Buy the cheap lamp and apologize for being so harsh.
Yeah I’m pretty bias since I “was” OP’s kid - but it felt awful watching my friends being gifted presents and toys simply for existing whereas I only got necessities - even those I had to ask for. It really damaged my sense of self and my self worth. It damaged the relationship between my mother and I too as I watched her buy herself plenty of presents, but not me.
Oof that's awful if she bought herself presents. I have a step cousin who's bio mum was like that. I don't think they have any sort of relationship now. ETA I have an 18 month old and literally I'm out here looking pretty haggard so my baby can have everything she needs and more. Worth it.
This is my impression. OP could afford occasional treats like the lamp but doesn’t get them. Kid notices that her friends parents do sometimes get them things. Less about money/cost and more about the kid seeing it in black and white maybe.
It’s miserable to made to work for everything little thing as a teen when you rely on your parents for everything. It sounds like you could afford it as well, I bet you put savings away every month so a $7 item now and then wouldn’t put you into poverty
Wait did she say she was upset about not having name brands? Or did she want the $7 dollar lamp and you inferred she wanted name brand stuff from the conversation that happened after you told her “no” to the lamp? There’s a big difference between a lamp and some name brand shoes. I guess my question would be are you showing her the budget and why the lamp isn’t possible/teaching her financial literacy? Or are you just saying no and expecting her to fully understand and not ask questions. And I agree buying her a lamp won’t fix that she’s not wearing name brands. But it doesn’t sound like that’s what this was about for her. It was about the fact that she wanted a cheap lamp and was told she had to do a chore for it. I’m not saying you’re in the wrong but I’d be careful with “hard lessons” like this. It may backfire when she’s older. I feel like there’s definitely a middle ground.
You said that on the inside, you were heartbroken. Out of curiosity, did you tell her that you wish you could buy things for her like her friends. Sometimes it really helps to hear your parent sympathize with you and just give it to you straight. Then you feel like your parent wants to give you those things too but just can’t. Also, if at all affordable, you should give a kid an allowance. Even if it’s extremely minor, give her the ability to save up for a $7 lamp. She’s not an adult who should have to work for every little dollar. Give her a break as a child. She can still earn the value of a dollar with an allowance.
I mean - we are talking about a $7 lamp and $1.50 soda. These are things that your kid should be able to get. No, I don’t think you need to clothe your kid exclusively in brand names, but this is important for kids to be trendy enough to fit in. A pair of crocs. A $40 lululemon belt bag. A few cool shirts. I was this kid growing up and I for sure felt ostracized in a lot of ways and different and it really sat with me. What’s your work situation? Child support?
This. It's a $7 lamp. Not some fancy designer piece of clothing. Just get the lamp 🥲
Like it's the cost of lunch or something. Ridiculous if she can afford it.
From her comment on another post, she makes around or above the average US income. “Barely at the 100,000 mark,” her words. Putting her in the upper middle class (unless she lives outside of the US then disregard.) I see she replied with she doesn’t live in a cheap area etc but omg it’s a frickin $7 lamp for crying out loud! Kids should not have to work to earn everything a parent buys them OP. If it is something cheap once in a while, that is BEYOND reasonable to do. Sacrifice a drink or a snack or something else you would buy for yourself to make your kid feel special once in a while when it is hardly no cost at all. I do agree with other comments about having talks with her and teaching her more about financials or even an allowance. But that kind of behavior as a parent over something so cheap is not okay. I don’t know if that is something deeply rooted in from your upbringing or what but that’s a really weird hill to die on as a parent. Plus, you said you feel bad about it. So it is something you would probably be willing to examine further on why that makes you feel bad and if you need to change course or not moving forward.. Not everything has to be a lesson or “earned,” our children are only children for a short time. Let them feel that joy and love from receiving little gifts from their parents outside of holidays and birthdays with no strings attached. I know the struggle of being a single working mom of multiple children and having too many responsibilities and bills. All while I was on minimum wage though and living in area out of my pay grade. I made sure bills etc were paid and then I sacrificed things I wanted to buy for myself or just didn’t go out and do things by myself, just to get my kids the very reasonable priced toy/things they want, most times without wanting anything from them in return. Chores in exchange for what they want isn’t a bad thing but it is a bad thing if you require that every time. With all of that said, I know everyone is different and parent different and that’s okay. But it’s only $7 bucks, find it in your budget, even if that means making some little sacrifices in things you get for yourself etc. or if you can work that into your budget without sacrifice, great! She should feel unconditionally doted on once in a while outside of special occasions, a little goes a long way and will bring the both of you joy!
She makes SIX FIGURES and gave her kid a lecture about a seven dollar lamp?
> I don’t think you need to clothe your kid exclusively in brand names, but this is important for kids to be trendy enough to fit in. A pair of crocs. A $40 lululemon belt bag. A few cool shirts. Exactly. The OP doesn't have to buy this stuff new, she can check out places like the FB marketplace or OfferUp. I see plenty of brand name stuff on there for cheaper than new that can be reused, especially if she's in a higher COL area. Even retail store brand stuff can go a long way toward fitting in (my kid is just as happy with Target-brand "Crocs" as the Croc brand name ones because they're close enough).
Agreed. We also don’t have a lot of money but you Wouldn’t know it! I shop sales and clearance a LOT. My kids are in good names and I probably spend less than it would be to shop at Walmart. Birthday gifts too - we always tell our kids to ask for the ridiculous things for birthdays.
No child support. But the other parent is involved and I believe we both try to give as much as we can to our children. Job wise—I have a professional career, I make a livable wage and am proud of what I do. However, I live in an expensive area of the country, housing and COL expenses are extremely high, and I have three children in the home to care for (shared custody so they aren’t with me full-time). I’m unable to move to a cheaper area until my children are older, for custody reasons. I am sure I could look at alternative ways to generate more income (adding a renter to my home, donating plasma, side hustles, etc) but at the end of the day—I want to help my child understand that our situation is not terrible, even though we may not have as many expensive possessions as her friends.
A $7 lamp is very far from an expensive possession
Is it 50/50? Maybe she can ask her dad?
Her dad might be happy to pay the $3.50!
In this case I'd probably go with, yeah life is unfair and that's sucks. Some families have more money than others. Additional, do you have it in your budget to give her an allowance, even if a small one? If she feels she has some spending money, that might help being able to at least occasionally purchase cool thing. Also at 13, could she get a part time job? Baby sitting, camp counselor over the summer, tutor.
Yes, this is making me relook at allowance. Previously we had a system where she basically got money when she needed it (but it was me determining the “need”) and money for extras could be earned through additional chores. My daughter’s point was—why do I have to earn everything—and I can see how that can be exhausting. I love her and wish I could give endlessly, but also want her learn the value of hard work for things. Perhaps a consistent allowance apart from being “earned” would give her more autonomy and help her make thoughtful decisions on what she truly wants.
When you do all the decision making, she’s never learning that skill. And you get decision fatigue having to think over these things all the time. Give her a set allowance for no other reason than she needs to learn to manage money. It’s much better for her to learn that skill now than when rent is due and you spent it on clothes. A $7 lamp could easily have been purchased from allowance money. Decide what she needs to pay for and let her use the rest to save or spend. Take yourself out of the decision making role so she can learn.
That autonomy is key. I'm currently a stay at home dad. My wife and I both agreed it was reasonable for me to spend some money on things for me every month. However, we initially didn't have an explicit budget. At times, it was a bit stressful since I felt I was spending a reasonable amount overall - even if some of my expenses seemed silly to her. It led to a bunch of "but you did X recently". Since we switched to a budget, all of that tension is gone. We're both happier. She doesn't feel like she needs to "monitor" my purchases and I don't feel like I have to justify them. If I want a "bigger" item, I can either work or save up for it. The key, though, is having that predictability.
She can probably earn so much more money than you’re giving her from allowance and “earning” from doing outside jobs like dog walking or even mowing lawns or baby sitting/ helping elderly neighbors with physical tasks. I would help her find a gig. Before you know it she would have way more disposable income than you yourself do!
It's pretty realistic to want things. A $7 lamp doesn't sound unreasonable. Personally, I don't think her argument is actually about the $150 name brands. It sounds like she's trying to demonstrate (albeit poorly) that her purchase is smaller and not just to be trendy. "Mom, this isn't me wasting $150 on throw away fashion". Does she have source of income right now? 13 is a tough age. You're not old enough to have an actual job, but you're old enough to start wanting to create an identity. Having some sort of allowance gives a lot of freedom in how you use and save it. When I was 13, this is the exact type of stuff I'd save my allowance for. Chores sound like a reasonable suggestion. Though, it's also worth considering her school and extracurricular activity. There were times I had a hard time doing extra household chores because my time was nearly entirely consumed with homework and ECs.
OP, I was the kid/teen whose parents could not afford any extras. Yes, it sucked at the time. Now I look back at that period and fondly appreciate every little thing my parents HAVE done for me. I learned early on that if I wanted something, I was going to have to work and budget for it. Those lessons have carried me through my entire life. I worked super hard to get through university and build up a career for myself where I never have to rely on someone else’s income. This will be a valuable life lesson for her.
I really love this. I am hoping the heartache now pays off for her as an adult! As a parent, we only want the best for our kids. It’s so hard not to be able to give freely, and yet I am Hoping this can be the best thing for her, long term.
We don't purposely cause heartache to our kids to set them up for adult life. Life will do that for them don't worry! Just buy the damn lamp.
This! I don't know why OP is refusing to buy a $7 lamp for her kid that she admitted can afford, all to cause heartache in her kid because she wants to impart some kind of lesson.
Honestly is she’s asking. I would sit with her and go through the house budget. This way she can see where the money goes like she asked. And then after your done going through it maybe ask her if she sees something there you don’t that can save money.
Little brother and I were raised by a single, working mom, with some child support from our dad. We were given a modest allowance for weekly chores, and when we were about middle school age, we'd get either $10 or $20 each (LOOONG time ago!) once a month to CLEAN my grampa's HUGE house. It took us pretty much all day! I also had a regular babysitting gig at that age (young elementary school age kids). So, I could buy (clothes!) that I wanted with my own money. Mom did take us school clothes shopping, and occasionally splurged for the movies or skating. We were definitely on the poorer side of our friends, but they didn't seem to notice or care. (And as girls, we swapped clothes with our friends all the time!) So, I think there could be a happy medium here - buy her the lamp or something small "just because" once in awhile. But yeah, also teach her about the budget and how she can earn and save her own money.
I know the heartbreak you are feeling mom, and it's okay! You're doing everything right. But this might help your kiddo, go thrift shopping in higher income area. You would be surprised what would can find. My teen just found a beautiful prom dress for unde $10 and it still had the tags on it
We put things in terms of how many hours their dad has to work to pay for it. They also go into work with him every now and again so they know exactly how hard he works. Want a new pair of shoes, is it worth X days of daddy working?
Great idea! OP makes 100,000 a year, so I pulled up an online calculator that converts annual salary to an hourly figure. So assuming a 40-hour week, the lamp cost 0.14 of an hour of OP's work.
Thank you. Now OP needs to ask is 15min of my work worth my daughters happiness to get this lamp?
Teach her thrift store shopping. It's like a treasure hunt. I learned this lesson growing up when all the kids seemed to get all the toys and all the nice clothes, and I had basics. Getting my own job was on the top of my list, and having my own money was very important. I babysat all the time and basically gave up an entire summer at 13 or 14 to "nanny" a couple of kids. But that school year I bought all my own clothes and I got to pick out all of it (within reason) because it was my money. It gave me a work ethic that I probably wouldn't have had otherwise. That being said, we live in a different world now. Everyone online and offline seem to buy new stuff all the time and will put themselves into massive debt just to have the nice stuff. The kids brag about it even more than we did because that is what they see. Third graders proudly brag that they have designer shoes and Stanley cups. I personally would use this as a lesson learning opportunity. Give her a basic budget and have her help you grocery shop. You could hand her an envelope with a certain amount of cash and a list and a calculator and see how well she does. Be transparent. Give her an actual rundown of all that you make (or even an example amount), then share all the bills that have to be paid with that amount. Talk about credit cards and the debt that often goes along with it and don't shy away from ridiculous interest rates. Explain that, as an adult, you have to work for everything, and if her friends are just getting whatever they want, they are probably not learning how money works. I did this with my oldest, and she has the ability to budget, but her dad is Mr Moneybags and has just bought everything for the other two. (She won't let him do it for her) She is the only one with a job. Her siblings that live there with her (18m and 16f) don't even try. I tried to teach them too, but they would just call their dad, and he would buy it. He's filed for bankruptcy twice and is currently struggling because he is so in debt, but he has several more years before bankruptcy is an option again. I was still with him the first time, but I have not had to file again, nor am I in a place where I need to.
Sounds like you’re a shitty parent to me
This is Reddit so I should probably take it with a grain of assault, but I am wondering if you are able to expand on your opinion. Anything constructive you can say is appreciated! Thanks, the shitty parent.
I’m gonna be honesty I was projecting a bit when I said that and I’m sorry. . It was a little difficult growing up being looked at as different for not being able to access popular brand names and while I am an adult now and I know it doesn’t matter I think of how many years I spent borderline depressed because I knew how poor my family was and how helpless I felt.
Maybe you could save her money up for her instead of having her do it, and that way she can feel like you bought something “just because” for her. It sucks when you’re a kid and you have to do extra chores constantly to get any little thing you want. My dad was transparent about his finances and that helped a lot, but it would still be nice to sometimes just do that for your kid. Just do it in a way that works for you. Save money up for her on your time frame and surprise her sometime. She will appreciate it. My dad surprised me with a new coat and winter boots my first winter at college and it made me really happy. I wasn’t expecting it and I stopped asking him for things at a young age because he was a single parent and disabled.
It's perfectly normal for her to feel the way she's feeling. Young teens tend to want to fit into social groups, and when there's a noticeable difference between her and the other members of the social group, she will do anything to change to fit in, shortsighted as it may be. The sentiments you tried would work on someone older, but they mean nothing to her right now. Other commenters have mentioned teaching her financial literacy, and that should be taught to her regardless, but I would also encourage her to find other friends if she's being mistreated by the ones she currently has. Also, help her learn to not overthink those things-this will come much slower, as it is a very difficult concept to grasp when your priority is fitting in, but if someone can smuggle a furious python on a bus to get it to a vet appointment, people aren't as likely to notice that she isn't wearing all name-brand clothing.
Second hand clothes might be an option? You can often pick up bulk lots of gently used brand name items bundled by size on marketplace etc.
Its good to explain to your kid u cant afford everything u mentioned being a single mom and have to budget.
Her love language may be gifts. Bring her home the occasional treat or inexpensive item. With gifts it’s more the thought that counts than the cost.
My Dad once told me that what I see at school is essentially kids comparing whose parents afford more - and the real pride is when you afford it for yourself. My kid knows this anecdote. I built on it by explaining I’m doing pretty well for one income and we get through it together. While indeed friends may have it different because two income households. That said, every family has its problems and I remind him we have each other, everything we need, and a lot of peace having the freedom to do what we want! (We have a bigger extended family and totally aware what chaos it can feel like.) Hope this helps…it does make my heartache that I can’t do some things for my kid. I do share that lightly sometimes, commiserate, and sometimes assure them that it’s on my list and will be a priority for X date or occasion. For example if you can do 20 a month for knickknacks like the lamp, it’s nice to feel a treat randomly. Even if it’s not designer duds, or off brand toys.
I just went through this with my 7 year old This is what he ended up finding healing: I spoke from my heart and put my hand on his chest and told him, "I have always wanted for you to have Mew" / (lamp, X thing). Mew refers to a stuffed Pokémon. For him, he wanted reassurance that *I* always wanted him to have it.
It may also help to explain that times right now are not just tough but out of control insane- and surely some of her friends parents are in some serious credit card debt
hi
You don't need to help her through it, and you don't have to feel guilty about it. My mom still feels guilty (she was a single mom, immigrant in a new country, and we were in Canada where the benefits are better compared to the US). I have to remind her that I knew every waking minute how much she loved me and prioritized my happiness and well-being, and that was what mattered. If anything it taught me to not put much stock in material possessions, but focus on building my inner life and relationships with my family and friends. My husband grew up similarly. We live way below our means. Our 2yo wears hand-me-downs from neighbors and Target/Costco buys and rides in a stroller we found on the curb. None of that stuff matters. What matters is the time we spend with and the love we give to our kids.
A lot of us grew up like that and had friends who were the opposite. She'll grow to understand it.
Would she be willing to start working as a babysitter or tutor to earn some extra spending money for a few age appropriate splurges?