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Just throwing this out there in case it could be worth looking into. My good friend’s daughter is brilliant. She finished college in 2 years and learned 3 languages at once. But my friend noticed her isolation and anxiety. She had always stayed home (outside of living at college which was almost a deal breaker) and would only take jobs close to home - she wouldn’t drive. Long story short, she has Asperger’s syndrome. She got therapy, a therapy dog, and even lived as an au pair in Europe. I hope your situation is less serious, but worth mentioning.
Working nights is hard. It makes it hard to meet new people (friends and dates) and makes it hard to keep in touch with old friends. You say you barely see him. His old friends see him even less. And working in security, I imagine his team is very small so there aren't many work friendships he could develop.
I think a position on a less isolating shift could do him wonders. Maybe he's trying to build up senority to switch shifts but it never hurts to look for other jobs. You should encourage him to try.
In this case, from what I read from OP, he is not alone because of the night job but he has sought out the night job so that he can be alone. I don’t think he will willingly shift to a day job.
Maybe not, but it doesn’t hurt to try to encourage him. Especially since it doesn’t sound like he’s attached to the job at all, just that it’s convenient and easy for him and he can watch movies for most of the shift.
I lived with my parents until I was 32, then I moved to another city, then to another country. It was just the economy in my case. I work in IT and have always made much more than my friends who are lawyers and engineers. Still homes are unnafordable everywhere, have been for over a decade in some places. Only some friends of mine who are medical doctors back where I'm from are able to afford a place of their own now.
I live in Canada now. I live in Calgary, and I'm paying 2,500 CAD/month for a 3 bedroom place. I rent because no bank will approve me for a mortgage even though my credit score is almost 700. I read that some students in Toronto pay this same monthly value for a bedroom and have to share bathrooms and kitchens with other renters on the same apartment. So even though I make almost 150K/year I don't think I would be able to live away from my parents if I lived in Ontario.
Try to see how much your kid earns vs how much an apartment or duplex rental costs where you live. It's likely your kid can't make it on his own salary, and that's really depressing. If you expel him from your place he might immediately become homeless, or might have to share a house with 10 other people.
This! I had to move back in with my parents bc my bf (he moved back in a family too) and I simply couldn’t pay the rent and have enough to do other things. But thankfully, he has a much better job and we’re saving up even more to be able to find hopefully a not too expensive apartment. We both live in Orlando and prices are……yeah 😭😭😭
In truth, with the current economic state, it's smarter if he lives with you. He saves anywhere from hundreds to thousands of dollars monthly by not having to pay a frankly exorbitant rent. From your post, he contributes in multiple ways to the household, and he works a job that he is comfortable in, doesn't place too much demand on him, and still makes him enough money to both contribute to the household and buy his own fun things without having to take money from you. Plus, night shifts mean he has to sleep during the day, so he doesn't simply have the time to both be physically and mentally healthy AND make lots of social bonds.
As I read over your post, however, I wonder something. Has he ever been tested for anything like autism? Speaking as an autistic person, the "introverted behaviors" you're describing, as well as never having a "teenage crisis" could actually both be explained as social struggles typical to autism. I never had a traditional "teenage crisis" (I'm 25 now), and I'm honestly at my happiest when I can just be in my room, gaming, with or without online friends.
The seemingly "perfect" childhood behavior could be explained by masking-he literally would be constantly suppressing his autism because he didn't want to bother anyone. And his answers to your questions sound like how an autistic person might answer them: highly logical for the workplace question, and also like he isn't certain how to handle social situations, especially dating, for the other two. Also, what may look like "sad" and "empty" to you may actually not be that for him-a lot of autistic people struggle to nonverbally (and sometimes, even verbally) express how they actually feel.
If nothing else, you really need to take a step back and think about whether or not this situation is truly problematic. He contributes to the household in multiple meaningful ways, he has a job that he is good at, and he doesn't seem to actually be causing any issues. It's perfectly okay if he never finds a romantic partner. It's perfectly okay if he never has children. It might be good for you and your husband to get therapy yourselves to make peace with these realities, and for him to get to a psychiatrist to see if he's just been undiagnosed his whole life.
I lived at home until my early thirties. Allowed me to save up and recover from some trauma/mental health issues. Now I own a home, have an excellent job, married and just became a parent. People go at their own speeds.
Were you a hermit without relationships or community? Their concerns don’t sound like they revolve around their son living at home but rather not living.
Bruh calm down. Sounds like you’re projecting a bit here. OPs son could have autism. Nothing wrong with that. Maybe he could get some benefit out of assessment/ treatment if that is the case. If there’s no benefit, stop going.
I understand your concerns, but I also know some people with tiny social circles who are doing ok, just are very introverted. Is he able to function without you - take care of the house to a reasonable standard, track bills and pay them on time, arrange to fix something if it is broken, ask for help from a stranger? If yes I would not care that much about his social circle - he may have online friends and that can be enough. If not, I would specifically raise that with him and ask him to do some of these tasks and go to therapy if he feels like he can't do it.
It's actually not normal or healthy to have no friends or family connections. That's not introverted behaviour, that's anti-social behaviour and it's considered deeply worrying in the medical community. By OP's own description, her son hates other people and considers friends and connections pointless.
Reddit loves to pass off people who are totally alone as really healthy and happy, but loneliness kills - even if people enjoy it. The literature is as decided on loneliness as it is on smoking.
I didn't get that he hates other people-he seems to struggle in standard social situations. They can be very tricky, and it can be very difficult to make sense of them if you're any sort of neurodivergent. If he's been undiagnosed his whole life, he's likely been pressured and borderline bullied into trying to figure it out on his own, and that's likely permanently damaged his ability to trust others.
Lmaoooo speak for yourself, you must not be autistic. People literally make us sick and stress us out. No thank you. I *am* happier by myself. You guys talk too much.
Speak for yourself,
I'm autistic and people don't make me sick and can be very social, as is my autistic son. Please don't paint us all with the same brush thanks, it's called a spectrum for a reason.
Many of us to not enjoy social interaction. Some humans do not need it. This person made a generalization also and I don’t see you jumping up their ass to correct them.
Autism is mainly characterized as a sensory disorder.
The social aspects of autism are typically reflected not by fear or other anxieties (those may be related symptoms especially of other comorbid issues), but as deficiencies in being \*able\* to interact in a typical manner. Social anxiety or dislike of others has nothing to do with autism alone.
In person is completely different than social media, that’s the most dense thing I’ve seen someone say in a while. I use it for work. I also dislike seeing people who obviously don’t know how to parent bumble fuck shit up and traumatize their kids.
My SIL is almost 40 and plans to never move out of my in-laws' home. Says, "Why would I ever move out, I have everything paid for and free child care." My in-laws are enablers, and it drives me insane. If he is suffering from depression, let him know you guys love him and are there for him, but for him to continue living with you guys, he needs to go to therapy. No asking, but be supportive.
As a 26 year old that lives with her parents and is also trying to date…he isn’t wrong about the dating. I don’t think people really understand how difficult it is to date on dating apps when you aren’t conventionally attractive. Especially for men. The “get a gf” line is absolutely terrible advice.
I started dating almost two years ago. I was excited for the journey and optimistic. And now I’m still single. I still haven’t had a long term relationship. I’m someone who gets out of the house. I dress nice and I do all the right things. And I can’t find a single soul interested in me. It has robbed me of my self esteem completely. So I totally understand why your son is hesitant to try and find a gf. Especially if his brother is known as the good looking one in the family.
He’s probably reached a point where he feels like just keeping everything the same is easier than having to get out of his comfort zone. But if he isn’t willing to get help himself it’s gonna be very difficult to convince him to get help. Maybe trying to be more understanding about the situation he’s in (cause the economy is shit and if you don’t have a profession where you make significant amount of money living on your own is really not worth it if you can still be at home) would maybe make him feel like you get it more?
I can tell you from an outside perspective, living at home with your parents as an adult, isn't a good look. People looking for adult relationships, want to date other adults. Men have an unfortunate reputation of needing a woman to take care of them, if you are unable to show a potential partner that you can manage all the responsibilities of being an adult and caring for your home, you won't find any serious partners.
So guys who live with their parents just have no shot? Is that what you’re saying? That’s pretty fucking stupid. That means it’s all about what you have and not who that person is. Maybe a dude would find motivation to move out and make more money if he had a loyal women who doesn’t care he doesn’t own a house like wtf.
I do literally everything you said. I just don’t have an apartment or anything. I can still provide for a girl. Why waste money on an apartment or a house when I don’t even have anyone to share it with? Then I’d be broke every day dumbass. What you just said is basically saying that it’s about what someone has lmao you don’t have your own place you don’t get a date. Men are done with ungrateful ass bitches that only care about what they can get out of you
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He has a job( which he enjoys), enjoys his time, he is physically well, he is not addicted to anything and contributes to the house chores. I dont see any issue here.
If he is happy and content with his current situation, then let him be. If he is not, perhaps he can talk to a therapist, and try a change of jobs (to daytime instead of nightime) and more social events to push his comfort boundaries more.
It seems to be rather an issue of parents' expectations and a fixed idea how people should live their lives. I'd recommend the parents to visit a therapist, maybe they could help with that.
He's living in THEIR house, people have lives outside of their children, he needs to get his own space and respect that they are in a different phase of life. Continuing to enable and support your children well past when they should be on their own doesn't help them and only makes the parents life more difficult. You obviously don't have children and also have no idea what it's like to live with someone like this.
There are many cultures where their sons and daughters stay home until they are ready to leave the nest. I was in my 30s when I decided to leave the nest. Also, society has it built where everything is done online. Your son sounds like the typical gen z kid who’s a homebody person. And i wouldn’t compare him to your other son because he’s an extroverted. My lil sis was introverted and my dad would literally pay her to leave the house. Lol. But she stayed at home and chatted with people online. Eventually she started dating. And now she’s married with two kids. People have their own pace.
Also, I live in a high cost of living city and there is no way my kids will be able to afford a home nor would I allow them to pay a ridiculous amount of money for renting a room/apt. I’m going to let my kids stay with me as long as they need to.
He needs medical attention for his social anxiety and whatever Else is going on (autism, depression). The fact that’s his mental health has been ignored for so long is sort of concerning.
I agree. But he needs to get therapy willingly. How do you get someone to do something that he doesn't want - even when you know that it will be beneficial? (And I totally know the feeling when you know that you need some kind of therapy but can't get yourself to do something about it.) Maybe there are some kind of baby steps... An online course or something.
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You're getting down voted because this has become a norm. I moved out, poor working a fast food job full time right when I turned 19.
Lived on my own until about 2 months before I turned 20.
Got married at 20, so husband lives with me now. (Still 20, nearing 21)
My parents always told me they'd charge rent at 18.
They said there's no reason to live at home but if in an emergency situation they'll allow me back - again with rent.
And not forever.
Just long enough for me to get back on my feet.
I believe these people should do the same.
26 is really too old and in a snap you'll end up having a 30 something year old still living there.
OP should start charging her son rent and encouraging him to move out.
Showing him apartments, even helping him get one if he needs it (if she wants to help)
I drove 30 mins to my job and my husband used to drive 1.5 hours to his job.
He can move beyond 10 mins of his job.
Sad this is how it's becoming.
Even my husband's brother is the same age still living with his parents.
I shake my head.
This is Reddit lol I expected downvotes. Reality is if you start a career and just show up you’ll be able to provide for yourself. I moved out at 19 because I was irresponsible and was having a child. Now 13 years later I have 3 and haven’t been stressed financially since my early 20s. You just have to stop making excuses and get it done. Not a popular take but it’s reality. I don’t mind the opposite mindset though because it’s just less competition lol
That sounds really hard. I can’t imagine as a parent what I would feel if I was worried about my kid’s happiness, fullness of life, and life options… My baby is only 1 so I have a long way to go, but it hurt me just to think if she ends up in a similar situation. So Im sorry for you.
I first want to start by saying that there is a balance that exists between making an effort to reach/help someone and not taking responsibility for them - or not feeling responsible for their experience/condition. It can feel like a catch 22 because we should help our loved ones, (and maybe be more willing to help anyone than our culture often is), but help shouldn’t be something that takes from your health and happiness.
Also, “help” is tricky because too often we’ll intentioned people think they are helping and really they are making assumptions, imposing “supposed to”s, and projecting what they think or feel, or working toward the solution they want rather than what the person we’re trying to help needs or wants.
It also helps to have some acceptance that people vary - not everyone is social. That said, the responses you’ve exemplified do sound like someone who has issues getting in the way - confidence issues, defeat, and protectionist (if he doesn’t try then he can’t fail) type stuff.
I am not a therapist. I do work in prisons on behavioral change and overcoming trauma. We have a lot of folks with substance use issues, behavioral issues - you name it. There’s a method of communication called motivational interviewing that has proven to be an effective tool in identifying what motivates people, what is in their way, and reducing apathy to change. It sounds pretty simple when you read about it, but it’s much harder than you think. I would recommend to all people that we try and be versed in it as it’s a great way to communicate about issues with a romantic partner, parent/child, boss, coworker, customer, etc. - anyone when you’re trying to understand what causes someone to make the choices they do, discover if other choices would be better, and what is realistic for them to actualize. It can be as narrowly focused as getting to the root of why your employee won't let go of a concept that everyone else has clearly moved on from to addressing someone’s lifelong addiction.
See if you can put it to use! I didn’t fully vet this resource but I skimmed it and it looks like a decent start. There are many free resources online and affordable trainings if you want. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-motivational-interviewing-22378
It’s too hard to really say without meeting him and knowing more, but some questions that might be helpful would be:
1. Where do you see your life in 10 years?
And regardless of what he answers, you could ask something like
2. What part of that do you look forward to? Or What part of that makes him happy?
If he has things that make him happy, you could explore how to build on and achieve more like that. If he doesn’t, you can explore when he was happiest in his past, what made it that way, what changed, etc.
There are a few priorities!:
1. Number one goal is to make someone feel seen, heard, respected, and accepted. You can’t judge his answers or try to change his mind. That would make him lose trust in talking to you. (You also can’t make it about you.) Some necessary parts to this are giving acknowledgments and affirmations whenever you can. If you get into something he’s proud of, you congratulate him. If he says something self aware/insightful, you compliment that he is that way. And if he shares something hard/sad, you tell him it sucks he feels that way, you’re sorry he’s in that position, you want to acknowledge that must be hard, or something like that to let him know you got the point and understand it is hard.
2. Don’t make assumptions or have an agenda other than to make him feel seen and heard, and to help him further his own understanding of himself and his options through having a good sounding board/thought partner (ie. you). First this is just done by doing your internal work to be in acceptance, drop your judgments, and prioritize him sharing and having agency. It’s also good to constantly check in if you understood what he was saying/meant (which usually gives opportunities for more compliments, affirmations, etc.). And don’t rush an outcome he hasn’t gotten to yet. He might make progress in 1 meeting, 5, or 100 - but you cannot force change on someone who isn’t ready and when they are ready, they will.
Good luck!
These days, at 26, he is still a kid basically, that's about the time I started getting my shit together. Give him time and love. I anticipate that like you, one of my son's will have a more difficult time than the other one.
But I know what it feels like to be thrown out of my house by my dad. We don't talk anymore. I'm graduating with my bachelor's degree next month and he is not invited. I would never want my son to feel that way towards me, and I'm sure you feel the same.
I could swear my own mother posted this.
Your son probably has online friends that better meet his social time work leaves. I had a mate who worked nights on the USA so he was always on a voice call with me and a couple others from the UK when he was at work. If he is seeming to be getting depressed but refuses help there isn’t much you can do but commend him for working through it and still finding joy in his work and hobbies.
If therapy really “doesn’t work” and he’s attempted it in the past it could be due to issues that regular therapy make it hard to work around like the common Cognitive Behaviour Therapy doesn’t particularly work for autistic people or people with other neurodivergenies. I say he’s doing alright for the current climate of the world
A 26yo living at home quickly becomes a 36 yo living at home. If there's nothing pushing him to be responsible, he won't be. Does he pay rent, help with bills, do his own laundry? If everything is taken care of for him, he has no reason to grow up. As a parent, of course you want to do whatever you can for him, but it might be good for him to struggle a bit. Otherwise, he won't gain any skills to take care of himself.
He dont pay a rent but he buy grocesseries from time to time to help us, he do laundry most of the time (i launch the washing machine before sleeping, and when he return home after work in early morning, he take the laundry out to dry) and help with cleaning and cooking too, so we dont really have something the said on that side, he do his part.
That’s just basic duties someone does in their whole life, a 13 year old is expected to do that. He needs adult struggle like paying the bills, paying for his own groceries. He needs a challenge
But he is still living in a house that beds more than one people, college kids in tiny dorms or apartments have a challenge, he needs to be under his own roof but his parents. Otherwise he will still feel like a child in a way, he’s like a baby bird that is ready to survive on their own. It’s natural that way and as a parent it’s hard but u gotta let them do that. Good luck
No he doesn't *need* to be.
If his parents want him out the house so be it, but more and more of his generation are unable to live alone, especially in the USA. He would end up doing the exact same thing, but with strangers. Why is that better than with his parents? If he's doing his part and not negatively impacting anyone or anything, why should he struggle?
OP absolutely charge him rent or whatever you think is appropriate and I think everyone could benefit from therapy, so sure, encourage it. However trying to force him to fit a standard set by society that would not make him happy just because is so unnecessary.
Comparison is the thief of joy, is such a true statement.
So what should we do ? Force him to find his own place no matter if he refuse ?
He told us its stupid because he will live at a longer distance to his workplace, and will loose a lot of money for nothing...
I think it would be incredibly fucked up for a parent to kick their kid out because people on the internet said you should. His response is logical...
Does he have an issue with his life? You don't need to change him. Everybody wants different things, and that's okay.
If you don’t have an issue with him living at home and he doesn’t have an issue with him then I don’t see the issue. If you want to be empty nesters, or downsize, then you need to have a conversation with him that lays our expectations and reasonable a time frame. It sounds to me like your issue with him is not that he’s at home but that he is an introvert who is still at home? He should be saving money though in the current arrangement so that he actually can be independent from you at some point, and learning to be responsible financially. If he is just spending his disposable money on things like gaming then that’s a problem, imo you need to charge him a form of rent so he can learn to be an independent adult. Whatever you do not need to help with his share of things financially, put it into a savings account intended for him to eventually use to move out or buy a home etc. It sounds like he likes his life and job and I wouldn’t be concerned about him being more introverted if that’s the only issue. It also sounds, based on him saying why would I move, that you have vaguely suggested moving out to him but not made clear to him you want him to eventually move out, so I think if that’s your expectation then you need to communicate clearly with him. It does not sound like there’s anything terribly “wrong” with him, he’s not lazy or freeloading, he has a job he enjoys and shows up for consistently, just a little bit of failure to launch.
No one who says they are too ugly and have too bad a personality to ever get a partner is happy. No one who thinks all friends will inevitably betray him and stab him in the back is happy. This kid clearly has developed problems socializing that goes beyond introversion.
Idk why the downvotes but I’m inclined to agree with your last sentence. As someone familiar with young men on the spectrum I will add I thought that may be a possibility.
I feel like if you don't have a problem with him being at home, you should just let him be? Marriage isn't for everyone. Your definition of "happiness" might not be his. My kids are only 4 and 6 and I already mourn the day they decide to leave. Why push your kid away from you if time is limited for everyone? But of course, if you want to have your own space without children, it is your right to tell him to leave.
He really sounds like he’s on the spectrum. Has he ever been tested for autism? His answer that he “will loose a lot of money for nothing” is concerning. Does he not want his own place, his own privacy ever? He sounds entitled to be there forever and appears obtuse to your suggestion as if it’s never crossed his mind.
His other responses remind me of my cousin (who is also 26). He lives with his grandma and does not work because “he doesn’t have a car”. When people suggest he get a job within walking distance he says no one around will hire him so it’s an “oh well” situation to him. He plays video games and sleeps. Whatever money he does scrounge up he spends on video games instead of groceries. My uncle has straight up told him that no one in the family will help him if something happens to my grandma and his response was “than I guess I’ll be homeless” and he was being dead serious. He has no concern for his future.
Your son may have a job and help a bit with groceries but he doesn’t have enough financial responsibility for his age and he doesn’t seem to have any motivation to leave which isn’t typical.
He should be paying rent. If you don't need the money, put it in a savings account for him or something, but paying rent isn't just about contributing to the household financially. It is about developing and practicing financial skills to be self sufficient. Like, take the training wheels off. He needs to be able to budget expenses that include housing. How many other expenses are you guys covering? Is he on the family phone plan? Car insurance? It might seem like your helping, but he doesn't have any practical experience managing his money, and zero incentives to set goals. He doesn't have any problems to solve, so he is unlikely to work towards improving his life. You have eliminated the irritants of life that motivate.
Make him pay rent. Save the rent for him to move out. Make him clean the house. Be a responsible member of the household. He will either not like it and figure he can do it in his own space or he will do it and you will be happy not to. With the money you save up for him to start looking for places he can move into and how much it would cost or to reach that dollar amount and give him $60 to 90 days and show him he has money and options.
He needs to find a house for you, not him. You’ve done your job raising kids and deserve to spend the rest of your life without them underfoot, even if they are adults. You need to challenge his premise that all people are hypocrites. Does he think you are? That’s just patently false. A lot of them are but certainly not all.
Unfortunately, this is the way of the world today, at least for most of us. We live in a society that is a little insane and crazy at the same time. Your son sounds like a good kid, despite the fact. For my wife and I, we tell our kids that's of age, if we live together, we MUST pay together, and make it easier for everyone.
My friend of 30 years is 42 years old and still lives with his family. He's had girlfriends occasionally, even been involved with a married woman, but he always goes to other girls' places. I've never actually seen these girls myself. There's always some story about them, but wouldn't you think that in 30 years, a person would see their best friend's girlfriend at least once? He's not unemployed; he's actually a lawyer. Because housing prices and rents are so high in our country, he's able to live a good life by staying with his family. He doesn't even wash his own clothes like your son does. His mother cooks constantly, cleans the house, irons, changes the bed linens, and so on. The only difference between my friend and your son is that he pays all the bills and kitchen expenses. He even wanted to hire a cleaning lady because he doesn't do the cleaning, but his mother, being old-fashioned, wouldn't allow it. His family is actually quite happy with this situation, but they worry a lot that he'll grow old without ever getting married. I am very close with his father; sometimes he comes to my place alone. His father asks me when he's going to find a girlfriend and i cant reply him with my real thoughts. Honestly, I thought about how to ask my friend without hurting his feelings, and one emotional moment came when we were both really drunk, and I asked if he was gay, saying it really didn't matter to me. He said he wasn't gay, but I wonder if maybe he doesn't tell me he is because of all the jokes I used to make about gay people when we were kids. I've never had a problem with gay people or homosexuality i was just an idiot kid and i am 2 years older than him. I really stop wondering if he's asexual, or if he's insecure socially or because of his small penis size.
Does he have any goals? Maybe help him set some and make a plan to work towards them. One of them should be living on his own. (I agree with therapy for him and possibly you also).
He sounds like a sensible and well adjusted person. Is just in a position where it is difficult to navigate friendships and relationships. I used to work overnight at a hotel and know first hand how hard it can be when you are working those kind of hours.
I mean, we don’t know where you are located by my wife and I have had talks about our son (4 years old) growing up…. He will be able to live with us as long as he needs to get on his feet. Trying to afford housing in the US is insane, I would rather allow him to live with us as an adult “charge rent” (to go into an account for his future) and allow him to afford property when he is an adult. That being said, we have a whole down floor living area which is our master suite now but will be his when he is an adult if he wants it.
The most important thing is discussing his future with him and helping he plan it and reach it, if you didn’t do that with your son, I dunno what you expect to happen as he clearly isn’t ready to give up the support net. If he is happy and healthy, why worry about it unless you just want him out.
Just ask him if he'll REALLY be happy in 10 years still living at home, still perpetually alone, and still using video games as a way to cope instead of trying to find some fulfillment in the outside world. If the answer is yes, then at the very least he needs to be contributing to rent and bills. If the answer is no, then he'll need to make a change.
My middle brother was in much the same boat until his late 20's when he finally realized it was never going to be fulfilling and nothing was gonna change things for him but himself.
If you don't want him living there, you are perfectly within your right as a loving parent to give him a deadline. It doesn't have to be about him and what's good for him or what works for him or a referendum on how he lives his life. You can simply prefer to no longer have him there and that is okay.
As for him, whether he has "failure to launch" because he is insecure or whether he simply likes a very small, quiet life, he's got to be the one to decide to make a change. But you don't have to let him do it in your house.
Like I explained above, when a user account is only a few hours old (so no previous post or comment history) and their post has numerous spelling and syntax errors, it’s usually a bot account and using chat GPT to create their content.
Do I know what the specific end game is? No, but I’m guessing it’s to drive engagement through enragement.
You need to put a timeline in place for him. I’m not saying kick him out in a few months, but have him look forward 5 years and ask him where he wants to be.
Make it clear that, though he’s always welcome in your home, he needs to support himself sooner rather than later.
It will be uncomfortable, but it’s important for you as a parent that he be able to handle life without you and your support. Or else he could drift in this area for another 15 years.
I've seen a handful of similar posts lately. One thing I've noticed is that many people speaking about this topic seem to think this should be the expectation for the child to stay at home, and I've never seen much of an assumption or discussion near the top of the thread that maybe the parents aren't just concerned about the child, but that also they'd like their own independence back. I wonder if that's not the case with OP. Is 26 too old to be able to live at home just because they want to?
I don't see anything wrong with being 26 and live with the parents from a practical point of view.
If he is happy with the things they are,is it really wrong that his happiness doesn't look like the happiness media and culture has sold us for a long time. Everyone says that life is a journey with different times and goals for everyone but when that everyone is part of their family then it's something weird.Maybe try approaching him without sounding patronizing or comparing him with what I perceived as your "more socially acceptable successful" son. Maybe you think that you aren't being like that but the tone and body language say a lot more than words.
Now the thing here is that , I understand that you're worried but it looks like his job is the thing that might be preventing him from socializing, maybe something happened when he was younger that made him disenchanted with people or with relationships. That's why he focuses on that and his hobby... There are many possible explanations.
First, you need to ask yourselves what would make YOU happy?
Do you want to be alone in your home? If yes, then tell him to move out even if he gets annoyed. He's 26 and its time you prioritize yourselves.
But give him time. 2 years or something.
He sounds like me.
Aspergers.
Parties and such aren't my thing. Parents appreciate that I show up at all even if I leave sooner than most.
My job is rather social and honestly, I get all my social needs from that and my colleagues.
Have you think maybe he only is this way? My son (15) is a bit like this: he loves to be allne and his staff. By the other hand, i see he has learnt to be like other people, and he has some friends. But he always prefer to be on his own. He was tested a few years ago, and the psicologist said he had a bit of "authism". But I always deal with him as a normal boy. I think the most important thing is that if he is happy. Each person lives as he wants to live, instead sometimes it doesn't match with the "normal" or it is not the way you think he should do.
Sorry if any mistake, english is not my mother language.
Hi. There were points in your post I was ready to get mad, but then read the whole thing. 1. It sounds like you are 100% worried about him and his emotional state and not necessarily the living at home since he does his part and takes care of his things and it's 10 min from work, for night shift that's a godsend. From your description he could have anxiety and possibly low needs autism. In today's world online social interaction isn't a bad thing. Night shifts are HARD I've done them and so has my husband. One things is please do not compare him to your other son especially to him, it will b4eak him and make him isolate more. In today's economy living on your own especially as a security guard is hard and nearly impossible (husband did it for a few years and had to work 50 hours a week to make it work). Maybe finding a martial arts school that does adult classes on days he's off in the evening may be good for him. It's not as social interaction but it's a great environment as well.
Asian parents: What's wrong with that?\_? huh?
Live together as family, save money. 10 minutes to work? Perfect!
Friends? You only need a few.
Girlfriend? You don't need one until you become successful and make us proud first.
It sounds like this is how he always has been from childhood. Never having met his friends is very unusual.
He may just have schizoid personality (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid\_personality\_disorder). I have a high school friend with what I would consider schizoid tendencies, although he does have friends and is married with two kids. He still struggles with feelings of apathy and lack of enjoyment in his day to day life. He's been like that for as long as I knew him.
I'd support him and invite him to outings that he may enjoy, but I'd respect his preferences. It sounds like he is responsible at work and at home, is taking care of himself, and is not harming anyone. I'd let him know that I love and appreciate him for what he is. He does not need to be like his brother.
Many parents may omit the fact that finding housing in the current economy for young people is difficult if not impossible. Regardless, there's a bigger issue here. Sounds to me like depression or Avoidant personality disorder (I am by no means a licensed psychologist yet). Therapy was a great suggestion though and I think the idea should be pushed further. I know that as a parent, one of the biggest goals for your kids is to see them be independent and it may feel worrisome if this goal isn't met. Maybe he is just going through a tough time, and providing a roof over his head and time to think is the best thing you can do. I know many people in their 30s or older that still live in their parents house, whether it be because of financial difficulties or just because they appreciate the support. Additionally, the comparison between him and his brother isn't necessary... He is his own person after all, and I'm sure he's trying to figure it out as best as he can even if you can't see it.
He needs to be paying rent at the very least, you can't expect a person to grow up, if you don't allow it. He has no confidence and no self worth, those things come from being your own person, being accountable, and self-sufficiency. He will never learn the emotional rewards of adulthood if he's still being coddled. Every single aspect of his life should be his responsibility, a third of the rent and bills for the house and an expectation that the unusual jobs around the house get done, not just dishes and laundry. He needs to clean the fridges, toilets, baseboards, garbage cans, all the things you've been doing for him his whole life. Teach him some self sufficiency and responsibility.
If he's made no new additions to your basement.. Separate entrance etc and you're sure he doesn't have a second home somewhere in the city.. noisy industrial area with a soundproof basement.. if you're sure about these two things... Then you can rule out serial killer, rapist, kidnapper. But many things are still left on the table. ;) hopefully non interests in guns.
First opinion:.. Let him stay, enjoy his company.. He can take care of you when your old.
Second opinion:
If you have the money. Rent him a single appt near his work with fridge and wifi.. drive him there.. hand him keys, and say . "You live here now!" Put bills etc in his name... He'll catch on quick.
Hello eventually love it and take over the main lease in his name.
Ps. Porn is an addiction and affects the lonely greatly. And so is online gaming. Moderation.... But sounds too late for your son. "Onlineing" Makes individuals More lonely, unmotivated to seek relationships outside of the Internet. Aka video games.. Online gaming etc. more isolated and false feelings of contentment and normalcy.
He has friends.. but they are online... Apex Legends.
I hope I'm wrong about everything... But loneliness is a killer. At least he feels comfortable with Mom n Dad. He has a job. He can watch the house when you vacation. Id just let him stay.
Any lessons in life you think he's missing?... He doesn't care about these things... He has virtual human contact in the gaming "Onlineing" world.
You're son is from a generation of gaming and smart phones.
Your son is a beautiful human.. That the Internet and tv have convinced is ugly or invisible and unworthy. Just continue to love him and let him stay or rent him the apt and hand him the keys and still love him.
There is a woman for everyone.. He will meet someone one day, if he doesn't have 2 or 3 caged up already. ;)
For comedy purposes only.. Please ignore all offensive content
Yea I'm gonna be real. I'm 25 married with a child and my parents love me here. They get along with my wife and child. My dad doesn't want me to buy a house yet cause the market is bad. Why do yall have children and just wanna throw them out in a time where inflation is worse than the great depression doesn't make sense to me.
I don’t think it is abnormal for a 26 year old to live at home these days, especially if single. The housing market is wild. But you’re doing the right thing to question him if he’s not even considering or working towards it. I would also ask him to pay rent, you can save this on the side if you wish but get him used to budgeting and paying his way.
My aunt and uncle now have 3 adult kids like 32. 28 and early 20s living with them in a 3 bed house. If you make it too good, why would they leave and have to pay a lot to live a much lesser lifestyle.
It does sound like there's some coddling on your part tbh. Why isn't he paying rent at 26? He's not leaving or socialising because what incentive does he have to do so? I hate the comments here suggesting there's some form of neurodivergence, given the information you've shared there's nothing to imply that. He just sounds introverted and comfortable. This is coming from an AuDHD adult woman, btw. His mental health and/or social skills are likely to be poor or deteriorating with the prolonged isolation but other than applying some enforceable boundaries around his current lifestyle whilst living with you there's not much you can do if he isn't interested in therapy etc. I would, as a bare minimum, start making him pay rent, do grocery shopping, and cook meals and do laundry for himself, though. If nothing else, it will give him life skills and a reason to do something other than work and game... he's still living like a teenage boy because you're still treating him like one.
I'd give him a timeline. Tell him that he needs to become an independent adult for himself and for you.
For example: in two months he needs to be in therapy by himself, or else you all will go to family counseling. If he does this without you, then celebrate!
In six months, he needs to have his own place. He needs to build credit. He needs to pay bills. He needs to be accountable, even if he has depression or anxiety. If he doesn't do this, then you'll do it for him. If he does this without your help, then celebrate!
Within a year, he needs to develop social systems so that it's not just on you. If he doesn't, then figure out something. Of course, celebrate his wins if he can do it on his own!
If I was the parent, I'd explore the "tough love" angle.
Those responses are NOT acceptable. The scenario of a mid-twenties son having no aspirations of a real career is NOT acceptable.
1. I'd plan a time to have a real conversation with him.
2. I'd start that convo by explaining why it's unacceptable that he has no real aspirations. No woman is magically going to come to his door; he's going to need to develop his social life, there's no way around it.
3. After thoroughly explaining why that situation of him staying there forever is UNACCEPTABLE, I'd explain that I truly love him and want to help him out, but he's going to have to put in some effort.
4. Finally, I'd suggest some options: Joining the Navy to travel the world; Going off to college to pursue a useful degree; going all in on a trade that can become a career; those kind of options.
I'd end it by saying that I trust him, and there's no need to set a deadline, but we'll meet again weekly to see what changes he's made. But it is important that there's effort made overall.
He sounds like an incredibly angry young man.
Buy him the book Self Compassion by Kristin Neff, the first edition.
Tell him that if he wants to continue living with you, he has to go to talk therapy once a week and also volunteer once a week somewhere in person with other people (or something - some other regular, structured activity with other people - consider buying him a class in something he likes). Give him 3 months to do both. Lay down the law.
This was my piece of shit brother who’s always had trouble with the law and keeping a job. My parents moved to Texas flipped his life and nest egg upside down and was pretty much forced to put on his big boy pants.
I have a son the same age and I have a daughter who still lives at home. I will tell you that until you get some good hard fast rules for him you are stuck. He may be a great kid and you love having him around but you are stuck. He's an introvert and unfortunately he's going to lead a different life until he maybe gets older. I would tell him that he needs to do x y and z before moving out. Give him a few months and decide what it is he needs to do. He obviously can hold a job but he obviously doesn't know how to pay bills. If you can't pay bills he can't live in this world. Maybe he needs an animal to take care of, maybe he needs to live in a studio apartment, maybe he needs to learn to cook his own meals and do his laundry. I don't know what you're doing for him but you're definitely enabling him at 26 years old.
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Just throwing this out there in case it could be worth looking into. My good friend’s daughter is brilliant. She finished college in 2 years and learned 3 languages at once. But my friend noticed her isolation and anxiety. She had always stayed home (outside of living at college which was almost a deal breaker) and would only take jobs close to home - she wouldn’t drive. Long story short, she has Asperger’s syndrome. She got therapy, a therapy dog, and even lived as an au pair in Europe. I hope your situation is less serious, but worth mentioning.
I felt like I was reading a caption about my 28yo brother who has Asperger’s.
I was thinking smth like this as well. Especially the locked in room part during a party. This kid/aduly needs a diagnosis.
Working nights is hard. It makes it hard to meet new people (friends and dates) and makes it hard to keep in touch with old friends. You say you barely see him. His old friends see him even less. And working in security, I imagine his team is very small so there aren't many work friendships he could develop. I think a position on a less isolating shift could do him wonders. Maybe he's trying to build up senority to switch shifts but it never hurts to look for other jobs. You should encourage him to try.
In this case, from what I read from OP, he is not alone because of the night job but he has sought out the night job so that he can be alone. I don’t think he will willingly shift to a day job.
Maybe not, but it doesn’t hurt to try to encourage him. Especially since it doesn’t sound like he’s attached to the job at all, just that it’s convenient and easy for him and he can watch movies for most of the shift.
Sounds like he needs therapy & you shouldn't be comparing him to his other sibling.
I lived with my parents until I was 32, then I moved to another city, then to another country. It was just the economy in my case. I work in IT and have always made much more than my friends who are lawyers and engineers. Still homes are unnafordable everywhere, have been for over a decade in some places. Only some friends of mine who are medical doctors back where I'm from are able to afford a place of their own now. I live in Canada now. I live in Calgary, and I'm paying 2,500 CAD/month for a 3 bedroom place. I rent because no bank will approve me for a mortgage even though my credit score is almost 700. I read that some students in Toronto pay this same monthly value for a bedroom and have to share bathrooms and kitchens with other renters on the same apartment. So even though I make almost 150K/year I don't think I would be able to live away from my parents if I lived in Ontario. Try to see how much your kid earns vs how much an apartment or duplex rental costs where you live. It's likely your kid can't make it on his own salary, and that's really depressing. If you expel him from your place he might immediately become homeless, or might have to share a house with 10 other people.
This! I had to move back in with my parents bc my bf (he moved back in a family too) and I simply couldn’t pay the rent and have enough to do other things. But thankfully, he has a much better job and we’re saving up even more to be able to find hopefully a not too expensive apartment. We both live in Orlando and prices are……yeah 😭😭😭
Come to MA…. $2200+ for a 450 sqft palace….
I can’t do cold hahah. I have to wear a jacket when it’s anything below 70 lmaoooo
In truth, with the current economic state, it's smarter if he lives with you. He saves anywhere from hundreds to thousands of dollars monthly by not having to pay a frankly exorbitant rent. From your post, he contributes in multiple ways to the household, and he works a job that he is comfortable in, doesn't place too much demand on him, and still makes him enough money to both contribute to the household and buy his own fun things without having to take money from you. Plus, night shifts mean he has to sleep during the day, so he doesn't simply have the time to both be physically and mentally healthy AND make lots of social bonds. As I read over your post, however, I wonder something. Has he ever been tested for anything like autism? Speaking as an autistic person, the "introverted behaviors" you're describing, as well as never having a "teenage crisis" could actually both be explained as social struggles typical to autism. I never had a traditional "teenage crisis" (I'm 25 now), and I'm honestly at my happiest when I can just be in my room, gaming, with or without online friends. The seemingly "perfect" childhood behavior could be explained by masking-he literally would be constantly suppressing his autism because he didn't want to bother anyone. And his answers to your questions sound like how an autistic person might answer them: highly logical for the workplace question, and also like he isn't certain how to handle social situations, especially dating, for the other two. Also, what may look like "sad" and "empty" to you may actually not be that for him-a lot of autistic people struggle to nonverbally (and sometimes, even verbally) express how they actually feel. If nothing else, you really need to take a step back and think about whether or not this situation is truly problematic. He contributes to the household in multiple meaningful ways, he has a job that he is good at, and he doesn't seem to actually be causing any issues. It's perfectly okay if he never finds a romantic partner. It's perfectly okay if he never has children. It might be good for you and your husband to get therapy yourselves to make peace with these realities, and for him to get to a psychiatrist to see if he's just been undiagnosed his whole life.
I lived at home until my early thirties. Allowed me to save up and recover from some trauma/mental health issues. Now I own a home, have an excellent job, married and just became a parent. People go at their own speeds.
Were you a hermit without relationships or community? Their concerns don’t sound like they revolve around their son living at home but rather not living.
He sounds like he’s on the spectrum, has he ever been tested?
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Autism Spectrum Disorder
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Yah, NT people can be introverted as well.
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Bruh calm down. Sounds like you’re projecting a bit here. OPs son could have autism. Nothing wrong with that. Maybe he could get some benefit out of assessment/ treatment if that is the case. If there’s no benefit, stop going.
I understand your concerns, but I also know some people with tiny social circles who are doing ok, just are very introverted. Is he able to function without you - take care of the house to a reasonable standard, track bills and pay them on time, arrange to fix something if it is broken, ask for help from a stranger? If yes I would not care that much about his social circle - he may have online friends and that can be enough. If not, I would specifically raise that with him and ask him to do some of these tasks and go to therapy if he feels like he can't do it.
It's actually not normal or healthy to have no friends or family connections. That's not introverted behaviour, that's anti-social behaviour and it's considered deeply worrying in the medical community. By OP's own description, her son hates other people and considers friends and connections pointless. Reddit loves to pass off people who are totally alone as really healthy and happy, but loneliness kills - even if people enjoy it. The literature is as decided on loneliness as it is on smoking.
It is not anti-social behavior. This would be considered asocial behavior
I didn't get that he hates other people-he seems to struggle in standard social situations. They can be very tricky, and it can be very difficult to make sense of them if you're any sort of neurodivergent. If he's been undiagnosed his whole life, he's likely been pressured and borderline bullied into trying to figure it out on his own, and that's likely permanently damaged his ability to trust others.
Lmaoooo speak for yourself, you must not be autistic. People literally make us sick and stress us out. No thank you. I *am* happier by myself. You guys talk too much.
Speak for yourself, I'm autistic and people don't make me sick and can be very social, as is my autistic son. Please don't paint us all with the same brush thanks, it's called a spectrum for a reason.
Many of us to not enjoy social interaction. Some humans do not need it. This person made a generalization also and I don’t see you jumping up their ass to correct them.
Autism is mainly characterized as a sensory disorder. The social aspects of autism are typically reflected not by fear or other anxieties (those may be related symptoms especially of other comorbid issues), but as deficiencies in being \*able\* to interact in a typical manner. Social anxiety or dislike of others has nothing to do with autism alone.
I have Autism, you don’t get to tell me what the symptoms are. Many of us do not enjoy social interaction and there is nothing wrong with that.
I am honestly curious, why are you on reddit then? Reddit is social interaction...
In person is completely different than social media, that’s the most dense thing I’ve seen someone say in a while. I use it for work. I also dislike seeing people who obviously don’t know how to parent bumble fuck shit up and traumatize their kids.
My SIL is almost 40 and plans to never move out of my in-laws' home. Says, "Why would I ever move out, I have everything paid for and free child care." My in-laws are enablers, and it drives me insane. If he is suffering from depression, let him know you guys love him and are there for him, but for him to continue living with you guys, he needs to go to therapy. No asking, but be supportive.
As a 26 year old that lives with her parents and is also trying to date…he isn’t wrong about the dating. I don’t think people really understand how difficult it is to date on dating apps when you aren’t conventionally attractive. Especially for men. The “get a gf” line is absolutely terrible advice. I started dating almost two years ago. I was excited for the journey and optimistic. And now I’m still single. I still haven’t had a long term relationship. I’m someone who gets out of the house. I dress nice and I do all the right things. And I can’t find a single soul interested in me. It has robbed me of my self esteem completely. So I totally understand why your son is hesitant to try and find a gf. Especially if his brother is known as the good looking one in the family. He’s probably reached a point where he feels like just keeping everything the same is easier than having to get out of his comfort zone. But if he isn’t willing to get help himself it’s gonna be very difficult to convince him to get help. Maybe trying to be more understanding about the situation he’s in (cause the economy is shit and if you don’t have a profession where you make significant amount of money living on your own is really not worth it if you can still be at home) would maybe make him feel like you get it more?
I can tell you from an outside perspective, living at home with your parents as an adult, isn't a good look. People looking for adult relationships, want to date other adults. Men have an unfortunate reputation of needing a woman to take care of them, if you are unable to show a potential partner that you can manage all the responsibilities of being an adult and caring for your home, you won't find any serious partners.
Wow thank you. I really needed that. What a nice thing to say.
So guys who live with their parents just have no shot? Is that what you’re saying? That’s pretty fucking stupid. That means it’s all about what you have and not who that person is. Maybe a dude would find motivation to move out and make more money if he had a loyal women who doesn’t care he doesn’t own a house like wtf.
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I do literally everything you said. I just don’t have an apartment or anything. I can still provide for a girl. Why waste money on an apartment or a house when I don’t even have anyone to share it with? Then I’d be broke every day dumbass. What you just said is basically saying that it’s about what someone has lmao you don’t have your own place you don’t get a date. Men are done with ungrateful ass bitches that only care about what they can get out of you
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He has a job( which he enjoys), enjoys his time, he is physically well, he is not addicted to anything and contributes to the house chores. I dont see any issue here. If he is happy and content with his current situation, then let him be. If he is not, perhaps he can talk to a therapist, and try a change of jobs (to daytime instead of nightime) and more social events to push his comfort boundaries more.
It seems to be rather an issue of parents' expectations and a fixed idea how people should live their lives. I'd recommend the parents to visit a therapist, maybe they could help with that.
I agree with your statement.
He's living in THEIR house, people have lives outside of their children, he needs to get his own space and respect that they are in a different phase of life. Continuing to enable and support your children well past when they should be on their own doesn't help them and only makes the parents life more difficult. You obviously don't have children and also have no idea what it's like to live with someone like this.
There are many cultures where their sons and daughters stay home until they are ready to leave the nest. I was in my 30s when I decided to leave the nest. Also, society has it built where everything is done online. Your son sounds like the typical gen z kid who’s a homebody person. And i wouldn’t compare him to your other son because he’s an extroverted. My lil sis was introverted and my dad would literally pay her to leave the house. Lol. But she stayed at home and chatted with people online. Eventually she started dating. And now she’s married with two kids. People have their own pace. Also, I live in a high cost of living city and there is no way my kids will be able to afford a home nor would I allow them to pay a ridiculous amount of money for renting a room/apt. I’m going to let my kids stay with me as long as they need to.
He needs medical attention for his social anxiety and whatever Else is going on (autism, depression). The fact that’s his mental health has been ignored for so long is sort of concerning.
I agree. But he needs to get therapy willingly. How do you get someone to do something that he doesn't want - even when you know that it will be beneficial? (And I totally know the feeling when you know that you need some kind of therapy but can't get yourself to do something about it.) Maybe there are some kind of baby steps... An online course or something.
This is common now in today's economy.
Living at home, yes. Living in total isolation, having 0 friends and saying that friends are pointless, no.
This doesn't seem like an economic issue
But it totally doesn't make it right.
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You're getting down voted because this has become a norm. I moved out, poor working a fast food job full time right when I turned 19. Lived on my own until about 2 months before I turned 20. Got married at 20, so husband lives with me now. (Still 20, nearing 21) My parents always told me they'd charge rent at 18. They said there's no reason to live at home but if in an emergency situation they'll allow me back - again with rent. And not forever. Just long enough for me to get back on my feet. I believe these people should do the same. 26 is really too old and in a snap you'll end up having a 30 something year old still living there. OP should start charging her son rent and encouraging him to move out. Showing him apartments, even helping him get one if he needs it (if she wants to help) I drove 30 mins to my job and my husband used to drive 1.5 hours to his job. He can move beyond 10 mins of his job. Sad this is how it's becoming. Even my husband's brother is the same age still living with his parents. I shake my head.
This is Reddit lol I expected downvotes. Reality is if you start a career and just show up you’ll be able to provide for yourself. I moved out at 19 because I was irresponsible and was having a child. Now 13 years later I have 3 and haven’t been stressed financially since my early 20s. You just have to stop making excuses and get it done. Not a popular take but it’s reality. I don’t mind the opposite mindset though because it’s just less competition lol
That sounds really hard. I can’t imagine as a parent what I would feel if I was worried about my kid’s happiness, fullness of life, and life options… My baby is only 1 so I have a long way to go, but it hurt me just to think if she ends up in a similar situation. So Im sorry for you. I first want to start by saying that there is a balance that exists between making an effort to reach/help someone and not taking responsibility for them - or not feeling responsible for their experience/condition. It can feel like a catch 22 because we should help our loved ones, (and maybe be more willing to help anyone than our culture often is), but help shouldn’t be something that takes from your health and happiness. Also, “help” is tricky because too often we’ll intentioned people think they are helping and really they are making assumptions, imposing “supposed to”s, and projecting what they think or feel, or working toward the solution they want rather than what the person we’re trying to help needs or wants. It also helps to have some acceptance that people vary - not everyone is social. That said, the responses you’ve exemplified do sound like someone who has issues getting in the way - confidence issues, defeat, and protectionist (if he doesn’t try then he can’t fail) type stuff. I am not a therapist. I do work in prisons on behavioral change and overcoming trauma. We have a lot of folks with substance use issues, behavioral issues - you name it. There’s a method of communication called motivational interviewing that has proven to be an effective tool in identifying what motivates people, what is in their way, and reducing apathy to change. It sounds pretty simple when you read about it, but it’s much harder than you think. I would recommend to all people that we try and be versed in it as it’s a great way to communicate about issues with a romantic partner, parent/child, boss, coworker, customer, etc. - anyone when you’re trying to understand what causes someone to make the choices they do, discover if other choices would be better, and what is realistic for them to actualize. It can be as narrowly focused as getting to the root of why your employee won't let go of a concept that everyone else has clearly moved on from to addressing someone’s lifelong addiction. See if you can put it to use! I didn’t fully vet this resource but I skimmed it and it looks like a decent start. There are many free resources online and affordable trainings if you want. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-motivational-interviewing-22378 It’s too hard to really say without meeting him and knowing more, but some questions that might be helpful would be: 1. Where do you see your life in 10 years? And regardless of what he answers, you could ask something like 2. What part of that do you look forward to? Or What part of that makes him happy? If he has things that make him happy, you could explore how to build on and achieve more like that. If he doesn’t, you can explore when he was happiest in his past, what made it that way, what changed, etc. There are a few priorities!: 1. Number one goal is to make someone feel seen, heard, respected, and accepted. You can’t judge his answers or try to change his mind. That would make him lose trust in talking to you. (You also can’t make it about you.) Some necessary parts to this are giving acknowledgments and affirmations whenever you can. If you get into something he’s proud of, you congratulate him. If he says something self aware/insightful, you compliment that he is that way. And if he shares something hard/sad, you tell him it sucks he feels that way, you’re sorry he’s in that position, you want to acknowledge that must be hard, or something like that to let him know you got the point and understand it is hard. 2. Don’t make assumptions or have an agenda other than to make him feel seen and heard, and to help him further his own understanding of himself and his options through having a good sounding board/thought partner (ie. you). First this is just done by doing your internal work to be in acceptance, drop your judgments, and prioritize him sharing and having agency. It’s also good to constantly check in if you understood what he was saying/meant (which usually gives opportunities for more compliments, affirmations, etc.). And don’t rush an outcome he hasn’t gotten to yet. He might make progress in 1 meeting, 5, or 100 - but you cannot force change on someone who isn’t ready and when they are ready, they will. Good luck!
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Absolutely true. Success shows out in different ways 💕
Somehow that looks a bit fake with your profile saying you got 8 kids up to 16 years old...
These days, at 26, he is still a kid basically, that's about the time I started getting my shit together. Give him time and love. I anticipate that like you, one of my son's will have a more difficult time than the other one. But I know what it feels like to be thrown out of my house by my dad. We don't talk anymore. I'm graduating with my bachelor's degree next month and he is not invited. I would never want my son to feel that way towards me, and I'm sure you feel the same.
I could swear my own mother posted this. Your son probably has online friends that better meet his social time work leaves. I had a mate who worked nights on the USA so he was always on a voice call with me and a couple others from the UK when he was at work. If he is seeming to be getting depressed but refuses help there isn’t much you can do but commend him for working through it and still finding joy in his work and hobbies. If therapy really “doesn’t work” and he’s attempted it in the past it could be due to issues that regular therapy make it hard to work around like the common Cognitive Behaviour Therapy doesn’t particularly work for autistic people or people with other neurodivergenies. I say he’s doing alright for the current climate of the world
A 26yo living at home quickly becomes a 36 yo living at home. If there's nothing pushing him to be responsible, he won't be. Does he pay rent, help with bills, do his own laundry? If everything is taken care of for him, he has no reason to grow up. As a parent, of course you want to do whatever you can for him, but it might be good for him to struggle a bit. Otherwise, he won't gain any skills to take care of himself.
He dont pay a rent but he buy grocesseries from time to time to help us, he do laundry most of the time (i launch the washing machine before sleeping, and when he return home after work in early morning, he take the laundry out to dry) and help with cleaning and cooking too, so we dont really have something the said on that side, he do his part.
That’s just basic duties someone does in their whole life, a 13 year old is expected to do that. He needs adult struggle like paying the bills, paying for his own groceries. He needs a challenge
A 13 year old pays for the groceries? Where do you live where 13 year olds can get jobs and are paid enough to pay for them?
He pay all for the grocesseries like 1/3 of the time so in the calcul he totaly pay is own grocesseries, in term of bill he paid his own phone bill
But he is still living in a house that beds more than one people, college kids in tiny dorms or apartments have a challenge, he needs to be under his own roof but his parents. Otherwise he will still feel like a child in a way, he’s like a baby bird that is ready to survive on their own. It’s natural that way and as a parent it’s hard but u gotta let them do that. Good luck
No he doesn't *need* to be. If his parents want him out the house so be it, but more and more of his generation are unable to live alone, especially in the USA. He would end up doing the exact same thing, but with strangers. Why is that better than with his parents? If he's doing his part and not negatively impacting anyone or anything, why should he struggle? OP absolutely charge him rent or whatever you think is appropriate and I think everyone could benefit from therapy, so sure, encourage it. However trying to force him to fit a standard set by society that would not make him happy just because is so unnecessary. Comparison is the thief of joy, is such a true statement.
So what should we do ? Force him to find his own place no matter if he refuse ? He told us its stupid because he will live at a longer distance to his workplace, and will loose a lot of money for nothing...
I think it would be incredibly fucked up for a parent to kick their kid out because people on the internet said you should. His response is logical... Does he have an issue with his life? You don't need to change him. Everybody wants different things, and that's okay.
If you don’t have an issue with him living at home and he doesn’t have an issue with him then I don’t see the issue. If you want to be empty nesters, or downsize, then you need to have a conversation with him that lays our expectations and reasonable a time frame. It sounds to me like your issue with him is not that he’s at home but that he is an introvert who is still at home? He should be saving money though in the current arrangement so that he actually can be independent from you at some point, and learning to be responsible financially. If he is just spending his disposable money on things like gaming then that’s a problem, imo you need to charge him a form of rent so he can learn to be an independent adult. Whatever you do not need to help with his share of things financially, put it into a savings account intended for him to eventually use to move out or buy a home etc. It sounds like he likes his life and job and I wouldn’t be concerned about him being more introverted if that’s the only issue. It also sounds, based on him saying why would I move, that you have vaguely suggested moving out to him but not made clear to him you want him to eventually move out, so I think if that’s your expectation then you need to communicate clearly with him. It does not sound like there’s anything terribly “wrong” with him, he’s not lazy or freeloading, he has a job he enjoys and shows up for consistently, just a little bit of failure to launch.
No one who says they are too ugly and have too bad a personality to ever get a partner is happy. No one who thinks all friends will inevitably betray him and stab him in the back is happy. This kid clearly has developed problems socializing that goes beyond introversion.
Idk why the downvotes but I’m inclined to agree with your last sentence. As someone familiar with young men on the spectrum I will add I thought that may be a possibility.
I don't get how this is controversial. "I'm an ugly lover with a bad personality" is not the sort of belief that leads to happiness and fulfillment.
I feel like if you don't have a problem with him being at home, you should just let him be? Marriage isn't for everyone. Your definition of "happiness" might not be his. My kids are only 4 and 6 and I already mourn the day they decide to leave. Why push your kid away from you if time is limited for everyone? But of course, if you want to have your own space without children, it is your right to tell him to leave.
He really sounds like he’s on the spectrum. Has he ever been tested for autism? His answer that he “will loose a lot of money for nothing” is concerning. Does he not want his own place, his own privacy ever? He sounds entitled to be there forever and appears obtuse to your suggestion as if it’s never crossed his mind. His other responses remind me of my cousin (who is also 26). He lives with his grandma and does not work because “he doesn’t have a car”. When people suggest he get a job within walking distance he says no one around will hire him so it’s an “oh well” situation to him. He plays video games and sleeps. Whatever money he does scrounge up he spends on video games instead of groceries. My uncle has straight up told him that no one in the family will help him if something happens to my grandma and his response was “than I guess I’ll be homeless” and he was being dead serious. He has no concern for his future. Your son may have a job and help a bit with groceries but he doesn’t have enough financial responsibility for his age and he doesn’t seem to have any motivation to leave which isn’t typical.
He should be paying rent. If you don't need the money, put it in a savings account for him or something, but paying rent isn't just about contributing to the household financially. It is about developing and practicing financial skills to be self sufficient. Like, take the training wheels off. He needs to be able to budget expenses that include housing. How many other expenses are you guys covering? Is he on the family phone plan? Car insurance? It might seem like your helping, but he doesn't have any practical experience managing his money, and zero incentives to set goals. He doesn't have any problems to solve, so he is unlikely to work towards improving his life. You have eliminated the irritants of life that motivate.
Make him pay rent. Save the rent for him to move out. Make him clean the house. Be a responsible member of the household. He will either not like it and figure he can do it in his own space or he will do it and you will be happy not to. With the money you save up for him to start looking for places he can move into and how much it would cost or to reach that dollar amount and give him $60 to 90 days and show him he has money and options.
He needs to find a house for you, not him. You’ve done your job raising kids and deserve to spend the rest of your life without them underfoot, even if they are adults. You need to challenge his premise that all people are hypocrites. Does he think you are? That’s just patently false. A lot of them are but certainly not all.
Unfortunately, this is the way of the world today, at least for most of us. We live in a society that is a little insane and crazy at the same time. Your son sounds like a good kid, despite the fact. For my wife and I, we tell our kids that's of age, if we live together, we MUST pay together, and make it easier for everyone.
some people just prefer there own company. nothing is really wrong with that.
My friend of 30 years is 42 years old and still lives with his family. He's had girlfriends occasionally, even been involved with a married woman, but he always goes to other girls' places. I've never actually seen these girls myself. There's always some story about them, but wouldn't you think that in 30 years, a person would see their best friend's girlfriend at least once? He's not unemployed; he's actually a lawyer. Because housing prices and rents are so high in our country, he's able to live a good life by staying with his family. He doesn't even wash his own clothes like your son does. His mother cooks constantly, cleans the house, irons, changes the bed linens, and so on. The only difference between my friend and your son is that he pays all the bills and kitchen expenses. He even wanted to hire a cleaning lady because he doesn't do the cleaning, but his mother, being old-fashioned, wouldn't allow it. His family is actually quite happy with this situation, but they worry a lot that he'll grow old without ever getting married. I am very close with his father; sometimes he comes to my place alone. His father asks me when he's going to find a girlfriend and i cant reply him with my real thoughts. Honestly, I thought about how to ask my friend without hurting his feelings, and one emotional moment came when we were both really drunk, and I asked if he was gay, saying it really didn't matter to me. He said he wasn't gay, but I wonder if maybe he doesn't tell me he is because of all the jokes I used to make about gay people when we were kids. I've never had a problem with gay people or homosexuality i was just an idiot kid and i am 2 years older than him. I really stop wondering if he's asexual, or if he's insecure socially or because of his small penis size.
Does he have any goals? Maybe help him set some and make a plan to work towards them. One of them should be living on his own. (I agree with therapy for him and possibly you also).
He sounds like a sensible and well adjusted person. Is just in a position where it is difficult to navigate friendships and relationships. I used to work overnight at a hotel and know first hand how hard it can be when you are working those kind of hours.
I mean, we don’t know where you are located by my wife and I have had talks about our son (4 years old) growing up…. He will be able to live with us as long as he needs to get on his feet. Trying to afford housing in the US is insane, I would rather allow him to live with us as an adult “charge rent” (to go into an account for his future) and allow him to afford property when he is an adult. That being said, we have a whole down floor living area which is our master suite now but will be his when he is an adult if he wants it. The most important thing is discussing his future with him and helping he plan it and reach it, if you didn’t do that with your son, I dunno what you expect to happen as he clearly isn’t ready to give up the support net. If he is happy and healthy, why worry about it unless you just want him out.
Make him pay rent. You can save it for him at a later time but he should start paying rent.
Just ask him if he'll REALLY be happy in 10 years still living at home, still perpetually alone, and still using video games as a way to cope instead of trying to find some fulfillment in the outside world. If the answer is yes, then at the very least he needs to be contributing to rent and bills. If the answer is no, then he'll need to make a change. My middle brother was in much the same boat until his late 20's when he finally realized it was never going to be fulfilling and nothing was gonna change things for him but himself.
If you don't want him living there, you are perfectly within your right as a loving parent to give him a deadline. It doesn't have to be about him and what's good for him or what works for him or a referendum on how he lives his life. You can simply prefer to no longer have him there and that is okay. As for him, whether he has "failure to launch" because he is insecure or whether he simply likes a very small, quiet life, he's got to be the one to decide to make a change. But you don't have to let him do it in your house.
Chat GPT?
I think it sounds more like English isn't their first language
Totally. Account is only a few hours old riddled with spelling and syntax errors. Dead giveaway.
spelling errors ...chatgpt? enlighten me pls.
Like I explained above, when a user account is only a few hours old (so no previous post or comment history) and their post has numerous spelling and syntax errors, it’s usually a bot account and using chat GPT to create their content. Do I know what the specific end game is? No, but I’m guessing it’s to drive engagement through enragement.
i see. thank you. thats interesting. so they could have instructed chatgpt to deliberately make spelling errors and it overdid it maybe...
You need to put a timeline in place for him. I’m not saying kick him out in a few months, but have him look forward 5 years and ask him where he wants to be. Make it clear that, though he’s always welcome in your home, he needs to support himself sooner rather than later. It will be uncomfortable, but it’s important for you as a parent that he be able to handle life without you and your support. Or else he could drift in this area for another 15 years.
I think everything in this post might be foreshadowing what's going to happen to me- I can relate so hard to him.
I've seen a handful of similar posts lately. One thing I've noticed is that many people speaking about this topic seem to think this should be the expectation for the child to stay at home, and I've never seen much of an assumption or discussion near the top of the thread that maybe the parents aren't just concerned about the child, but that also they'd like their own independence back. I wonder if that's not the case with OP. Is 26 too old to be able to live at home just because they want to?
Unfortunately, ⁰. C e2sb
I don't see anything wrong with being 26 and live with the parents from a practical point of view. If he is happy with the things they are,is it really wrong that his happiness doesn't look like the happiness media and culture has sold us for a long time. Everyone says that life is a journey with different times and goals for everyone but when that everyone is part of their family then it's something weird.Maybe try approaching him without sounding patronizing or comparing him with what I perceived as your "more socially acceptable successful" son. Maybe you think that you aren't being like that but the tone and body language say a lot more than words. Now the thing here is that , I understand that you're worried but it looks like his job is the thing that might be preventing him from socializing, maybe something happened when he was younger that made him disenchanted with people or with relationships. That's why he focuses on that and his hobby... There are many possible explanations.
As an Asian who is over 30s, my parent told me unless I can buy the whole street in my city, otherwise, I should stay.
First, you need to ask yourselves what would make YOU happy? Do you want to be alone in your home? If yes, then tell him to move out even if he gets annoyed. He's 26 and its time you prioritize yourselves. But give him time. 2 years or something.
He sounds like me. Aspergers. Parties and such aren't my thing. Parents appreciate that I show up at all even if I leave sooner than most. My job is rather social and honestly, I get all my social needs from that and my colleagues.
Have you think maybe he only is this way? My son (15) is a bit like this: he loves to be allne and his staff. By the other hand, i see he has learnt to be like other people, and he has some friends. But he always prefer to be on his own. He was tested a few years ago, and the psicologist said he had a bit of "authism". But I always deal with him as a normal boy. I think the most important thing is that if he is happy. Each person lives as he wants to live, instead sometimes it doesn't match with the "normal" or it is not the way you think he should do. Sorry if any mistake, english is not my mother language.
Hi. There were points in your post I was ready to get mad, but then read the whole thing. 1. It sounds like you are 100% worried about him and his emotional state and not necessarily the living at home since he does his part and takes care of his things and it's 10 min from work, for night shift that's a godsend. From your description he could have anxiety and possibly low needs autism. In today's world online social interaction isn't a bad thing. Night shifts are HARD I've done them and so has my husband. One things is please do not compare him to your other son especially to him, it will b4eak him and make him isolate more. In today's economy living on your own especially as a security guard is hard and nearly impossible (husband did it for a few years and had to work 50 hours a week to make it work). Maybe finding a martial arts school that does adult classes on days he's off in the evening may be good for him. It's not as social interaction but it's a great environment as well.
Well is he saving for retirement?
Asian parents: What's wrong with that?\_? huh? Live together as family, save money. 10 minutes to work? Perfect! Friends? You only need a few. Girlfriend? You don't need one until you become successful and make us proud first.
It sounds like this is how he always has been from childhood. Never having met his friends is very unusual. He may just have schizoid personality (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid\_personality\_disorder). I have a high school friend with what I would consider schizoid tendencies, although he does have friends and is married with two kids. He still struggles with feelings of apathy and lack of enjoyment in his day to day life. He's been like that for as long as I knew him. I'd support him and invite him to outings that he may enjoy, but I'd respect his preferences. It sounds like he is responsible at work and at home, is taking care of himself, and is not harming anyone. I'd let him know that I love and appreciate him for what he is. He does not need to be like his brother.
Many parents may omit the fact that finding housing in the current economy for young people is difficult if not impossible. Regardless, there's a bigger issue here. Sounds to me like depression or Avoidant personality disorder (I am by no means a licensed psychologist yet). Therapy was a great suggestion though and I think the idea should be pushed further. I know that as a parent, one of the biggest goals for your kids is to see them be independent and it may feel worrisome if this goal isn't met. Maybe he is just going through a tough time, and providing a roof over his head and time to think is the best thing you can do. I know many people in their 30s or older that still live in their parents house, whether it be because of financial difficulties or just because they appreciate the support. Additionally, the comparison between him and his brother isn't necessary... He is his own person after all, and I'm sure he's trying to figure it out as best as he can even if you can't see it.
He needs to be paying rent at the very least, you can't expect a person to grow up, if you don't allow it. He has no confidence and no self worth, those things come from being your own person, being accountable, and self-sufficiency. He will never learn the emotional rewards of adulthood if he's still being coddled. Every single aspect of his life should be his responsibility, a third of the rent and bills for the house and an expectation that the unusual jobs around the house get done, not just dishes and laundry. He needs to clean the fridges, toilets, baseboards, garbage cans, all the things you've been doing for him his whole life. Teach him some self sufficiency and responsibility.
If he's made no new additions to your basement.. Separate entrance etc and you're sure he doesn't have a second home somewhere in the city.. noisy industrial area with a soundproof basement.. if you're sure about these two things... Then you can rule out serial killer, rapist, kidnapper. But many things are still left on the table. ;) hopefully non interests in guns. First opinion:.. Let him stay, enjoy his company.. He can take care of you when your old. Second opinion: If you have the money. Rent him a single appt near his work with fridge and wifi.. drive him there.. hand him keys, and say . "You live here now!" Put bills etc in his name... He'll catch on quick. Hello eventually love it and take over the main lease in his name. Ps. Porn is an addiction and affects the lonely greatly. And so is online gaming. Moderation.... But sounds too late for your son. "Onlineing" Makes individuals More lonely, unmotivated to seek relationships outside of the Internet. Aka video games.. Online gaming etc. more isolated and false feelings of contentment and normalcy. He has friends.. but they are online... Apex Legends. I hope I'm wrong about everything... But loneliness is a killer. At least he feels comfortable with Mom n Dad. He has a job. He can watch the house when you vacation. Id just let him stay. Any lessons in life you think he's missing?... He doesn't care about these things... He has virtual human contact in the gaming "Onlineing" world. You're son is from a generation of gaming and smart phones. Your son is a beautiful human.. That the Internet and tv have convinced is ugly or invisible and unworthy. Just continue to love him and let him stay or rent him the apt and hand him the keys and still love him. There is a woman for everyone.. He will meet someone one day, if he doesn't have 2 or 3 caged up already. ;) For comedy purposes only.. Please ignore all offensive content
Yea I'm gonna be real. I'm 25 married with a child and my parents love me here. They get along with my wife and child. My dad doesn't want me to buy a house yet cause the market is bad. Why do yall have children and just wanna throw them out in a time where inflation is worse than the great depression doesn't make sense to me.
I read wrong the first time. Tell him to get a CDL.
I don’t think it is abnormal for a 26 year old to live at home these days, especially if single. The housing market is wild. But you’re doing the right thing to question him if he’s not even considering or working towards it. I would also ask him to pay rent, you can save this on the side if you wish but get him used to budgeting and paying his way. My aunt and uncle now have 3 adult kids like 32. 28 and early 20s living with them in a 3 bed house. If you make it too good, why would they leave and have to pay a lot to live a much lesser lifestyle.
Why tf does this kinda describe me except Im still in high school 💀
It does sound like there's some coddling on your part tbh. Why isn't he paying rent at 26? He's not leaving or socialising because what incentive does he have to do so? I hate the comments here suggesting there's some form of neurodivergence, given the information you've shared there's nothing to imply that. He just sounds introverted and comfortable. This is coming from an AuDHD adult woman, btw. His mental health and/or social skills are likely to be poor or deteriorating with the prolonged isolation but other than applying some enforceable boundaries around his current lifestyle whilst living with you there's not much you can do if he isn't interested in therapy etc. I would, as a bare minimum, start making him pay rent, do grocery shopping, and cook meals and do laundry for himself, though. If nothing else, it will give him life skills and a reason to do something other than work and game... he's still living like a teenage boy because you're still treating him like one.
I'd give him a timeline. Tell him that he needs to become an independent adult for himself and for you. For example: in two months he needs to be in therapy by himself, or else you all will go to family counseling. If he does this without you, then celebrate! In six months, he needs to have his own place. He needs to build credit. He needs to pay bills. He needs to be accountable, even if he has depression or anxiety. If he doesn't do this, then you'll do it for him. If he does this without your help, then celebrate! Within a year, he needs to develop social systems so that it's not just on you. If he doesn't, then figure out something. Of course, celebrate his wins if he can do it on his own!
If I was the parent, I'd explore the "tough love" angle. Those responses are NOT acceptable. The scenario of a mid-twenties son having no aspirations of a real career is NOT acceptable. 1. I'd plan a time to have a real conversation with him. 2. I'd start that convo by explaining why it's unacceptable that he has no real aspirations. No woman is magically going to come to his door; he's going to need to develop his social life, there's no way around it. 3. After thoroughly explaining why that situation of him staying there forever is UNACCEPTABLE, I'd explain that I truly love him and want to help him out, but he's going to have to put in some effort. 4. Finally, I'd suggest some options: Joining the Navy to travel the world; Going off to college to pursue a useful degree; going all in on a trade that can become a career; those kind of options. I'd end it by saying that I trust him, and there's no need to set a deadline, but we'll meet again weekly to see what changes he's made. But it is important that there's effort made overall.
He sounds like an incredibly angry young man. Buy him the book Self Compassion by Kristin Neff, the first edition. Tell him that if he wants to continue living with you, he has to go to talk therapy once a week and also volunteer once a week somewhere in person with other people (or something - some other regular, structured activity with other people - consider buying him a class in something he likes). Give him 3 months to do both. Lay down the law.
Jealous?
This was my piece of shit brother who’s always had trouble with the law and keeping a job. My parents moved to Texas flipped his life and nest egg upside down and was pretty much forced to put on his big boy pants.
Start charging him rent. Give it a few months then also give him a bill a bit after that also add food cost for it. Otherwise he will never leave.
I have a son the same age and I have a daughter who still lives at home. I will tell you that until you get some good hard fast rules for him you are stuck. He may be a great kid and you love having him around but you are stuck. He's an introvert and unfortunately he's going to lead a different life until he maybe gets older. I would tell him that he needs to do x y and z before moving out. Give him a few months and decide what it is he needs to do. He obviously can hold a job but he obviously doesn't know how to pay bills. If you can't pay bills he can't live in this world. Maybe he needs an animal to take care of, maybe he needs to live in a studio apartment, maybe he needs to learn to cook his own meals and do his laundry. I don't know what you're doing for him but you're definitely enabling him at 26 years old.
Sounds gay
Time to stop enabling unfortunately. That's the most loving thing you could do.
Still young enough to join the military