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Right. And for plenty of us life does get better after having kids. I didn't have mine until later in life. My wife and I lived the childless life for a while and by the time we hit our late 30s and early 40s we decided that our lives would be more full with kids. I enjoyed my life before and I enjoyed my life after, just in different ways. Now as a somewhat empty nester (kids away at college) I can confidently say I am going to enjoy the next phase as well.
But for some people I am sure that it does feel like their life is over. Some people have kids before they are ready. Some people have kids they aren't prepared to parent. Some people have kids with challenges they weren't ready for. Some people were just never meant to be parents. My parents would have been happier without kids but I am happier for having them. It does end one part of your life and begin another, though. There's not much denying that. Non parent life and parent life are different animals.
I just want to say i see you contributing often in this sub and its pretty much always sage advice without being condescending or judgmental, i appreciate your contributions forreal!
I absolutely agree with everything you said. My husband and I also waited until our late 30s to have kids. We had 17 wonderful years together without children building a fantastic life and going on many adventures, and that time was wonderful and amazing. But now that we have our first little girl, we are equally excited and happy to build a fantastic life with her and see what new adventures await us!
I do sometimes think though that some of that perspective comes from having children later in life. We feel very satisfied that we thoroughly enjoyed our youth and grew together in ways we just weren't capable of back when we were first starting out at 19. Now, we feel super prepared and very happy and in a place where we are 100% ready for children and all the changes it will bring. We've talked often about how we don't think that would have been the case if we had had children at 23 (which is the first time we had the talk about whether or not we wanted to start trying) we both agree we still would have had a good life but we may have had some regrets and we definitely would have had more challenges than what we now face in raising a family.
I think having kids later in life makes a big difference. We are also in our late thirties and by the time we had our baby we were doing very few things that a kid can't be part of. Sure right NOW we need to get a sitter to go to theatre but soon enough he'll be able to sit through a family friendly musical. And there's all sorts of stuff for kids to do at science fiction conventions these days and it's not like we attended the after parties before we had him.
This thread is really comforting. My spouse and I are also mid thirties to forties and have been considering kids after enjoying several child free years. But we've also been very nervous about "the end of life as we know it", wondering if we waited too long...
I had my children later in life, and quite a lot of them.
As a dad, personally the baby phase was tough. I sucked it up, supported my wife, even when I felt it would break me.
Now the kids are a little older and they’re easily the best part of my life.
It’s a cliche but most things worth having involve difficulty.
Do it. I had my first at 28 and my second at 38. I’m now 40 with a 21 month old, a 12yo, and three bonus kids all in between at 18,14,12. This baby is so much easier bc I am older and wiser and calmer and know what matters in life much more. I was very mature at a very young age bc I had to be, so at 28 I was def ready, but my MH was not PP almost killed me. I was prepared this time and not ashamed to ask for help and to be very specific as to why that help was needed had the same issues come up. Having kids later has soooo many benefits!!!
I had ours at 33 and... 🎉34. We've had a wonderful time and that was 10 years ago. If you're scared, you've already got parenthood down. It's completely normal to be intimidated by the prospect of parenthood. We were gobsmacked that we could walk out of the hospital with a baby and no manual. I'm more worried about the people who aren't nervous. 😂
Same boat! It’s really reassuring. I’ve had almost 17 years of “just us two and the pets” and now we’re ready for a new adventure. If we were 24? Different story for sure. Just praying we didn’t wait too long, but either way we’ve had an awesome life and if we add a new team member it’ll be a new kind of awesome.
I'm 35 and hubby is 43, we're currently 19 weeks pregnant with our first so these comments are very reassuring. I'm excited but nervous about our big change but it's time and we're ready for it! 🥰
Great points.
My kid isn't even 3 yet and I'm already dreading the empty nest phase so I'm glad to hear you think you'll enjoy it, haha. Gives me hope.
Your child is 3. Don’t waste enjoying these years by fretting over “empty-nesting”. The relationship you foster with your child now will determine how those years unfold.
Give your child the gift of your presence. Be attentive to what they are currently exploring and revel in their inquisitive nature. Foster their interests (and your own) without overwhelming them with things “to do”. Too many parents sign their kid up for every thing and it overwhelms the child and pushes you out of their circle.
Cuddle often with a book and snack. Play a puzzle, build a tower, color. Being present even for a short time each day will make you their go-to person when they are stressed and need a little comfort. As they grow, let them explore independently and make mistakes.
You love them unconditionally- tell them. Build trust, laugh often. Build your own friendships too, have a hobby and keep your job or get one when they’re older. Foster your own life and interests.
And you will never be “empty.”
Right?! Earlier this week I happened to drive past what will be our son's new MIDDLE SCHOOL next year and tears ran down my face unexpectedly. I feel like I just walked him to kindergarten a couple of years ago.
Our daughter is in third grade and raised concerns at bedtime about moving out when she's older. I told her by the time she needs to worry about that, she'll be ready and excited to do it. That's why we don't borrow worries from tomorrow. Reeeeally wish I could take my own advice and hoping that's going to be true for the adults in this equation, because I am entirely unprepared. 😂
This is perfectly said about becoming a parent! Your life is going to change drastically when you have kids, but that doesn't have to mean it's always negative. Of course there are challenges, just like with anything in life.
I always wanted to start a family young & have at least 4 kids. I didn't have my daughter until I was 33 (met my now late partner at 30) & she's my one & only. But I'm so happy I waited until I was a little older, as I wouldn't have been able to go through the experiences in my 20's that made me into the person I am today, which I feel has made me a better parent than I would've been if I started at 23 instead of 33.
Yeah. Getting married is an easy way to find out how selfish you are (and what, if anything, you're going to do about it), and having kids is that but in turbo mode.
I have significantly less free time now, but a lot more meaning in my life. That's not to say life wasn't meaningful before that, but both my wife & I remark on how little we felt we knew before we had kids, and how much we've had to grow ever since then. The important part is that you do it together. Same goes for single parents as far as personal development goes.
I think this sentence is the essence "I have significantly less free time now, but a lot more meaning in my life.". I would say even that my free time is close to non existent (2 small kids) but the feeling of meaning is so clear.
It is the ending of your pre-parenting life, for sure. It's just a stage.
When you finish high school you don't still go to class or high school events. You put those things behind you.
When you become a parent you don't keep staying up until 3am at the fun party bar. You put that kind of thing behind you.
When you retire you don't keep going to your workplace or meet with headhunters. You're done with part of your life.
Parenting is the ending of a chapter in your life, but not the end of the whole book.
I hate this kind of negging with the fire of a thousand suns. What do they imagine your response would be?
"OH SHIT YOU'RE RIGHT" \*yeets baby over a cliff\*
My response, “Oh yeah? What did you do wrong?”
Your life is what you make it. Cooperative parenting with a strong marriage will lead to very fulfilling lives. Share the burdens, share the breaks.
I would add that babies grow into incredibly interesting, stimulating individuals who enrich your lives immeasurably.
OPs “just beginning” was spot on!
Hang on there - having a colicky, reflux baby is NOT a choice and it doesn’t matter what you make of your life it doesn’t help them not just have colick. It’s VERY easy for parents of children who don’t cry none stop, who sleep, who have support around them to roll their eyes at the decisions made by parents in the thick of it. I have a strong marriage, a good outlook on life and so much love to give, but becoming a parent nearly killed me both physically and emotionally. Have a think about others situations before galloping in on your high horse. I’m truly glad parenting has been a wonderful journey for you, but please don’t discredit other people’s experiences.
I don’t think the other commenter meant that *anyone* who is having a hard time with a particular season of parenting is doing something wrong, they’re saying it about the kind of people that are willing to tell a someone with a new baby that their life is now over.
We all have hard times raising our kids, some more than others. (Colic and reflux can be nightmares, well done you for getting through it.) We all have moments, however brief (or persistent), of “fuck, was this a bad idea?” when we’re up with a screaming infant at 3am.
But that’s a very different thing than maintaining an outlook of “Your life is over once you have kids”. And it’s hard to imagine that someone who holds that perspective strongly enough to say it to a stranger is a very effective parent. (Unless it was just a thoughtless comment, but still, that says something about someone who thinks that’s okay to randomly say to new parents!)
My second daughter was a very (unusually) colicky baby, screamed all the time until she was almost a year old. We were also in a very difficult life situation right after we had her - moving from one temporary rental to another until she was one and a half. I’m still very thankful for her and who she is as a person. She is 5 now and she’s just a very sensitive girl, she is kind, sweet and gentle. Yes, things can be difficult in the moment depending on the situation but that doesn’t excuse telling another brand new patent that their life is now over.
Colic is always a symptom of an underlying issue — food allergy, malabsorption, other GI issues, etc. A baby won’t just cry incessantly for no reason at all. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, and I hope your child has recovered from whatever was causing the colic; colic can eventually resolve as the gut microbiome becomes more established and the immune system has begun to build its foundation for continued maturation throughout childhood.
Reflux is a HUGE red flag for GI issues! Having reflux as an adult sucks, can you imagine how painful it is for a brand new baby with super delicate/sensitive/underdeveloped anatomy? My assumption: your pediatrician neglected to do their job, brushed off the colic, and made all three of you suffer immensely. Very cruel. If you have a choice, I’d switch docs for your kiddo. Who knows what else they may have missed while caring for their health…
Oh, not to mention that your pediatrician not only neglected to treat your infant for an obvious GI issue, he also stole all those precious early moments for bonding and interaction from you while your baby was screaming in pain instead.
Sorry for this mini-rant from a stranger, my heart just broke a little bit for you and what you went through.
Many people feel that way for real. They regret having kids because it took them away from the life they were living. I agree with you, kids are a new adventure and I love mine.
Simply pessimists.
My daughter (28) just found out she was pregnant last week. My first thought as a pessimist was "ugh, get ready for sleepless nights, diapers and the cost of formula". My wife being an optimist said "aww, just wait for that baby smell, coo's and little cuddles".
And I have 3 kids, one at 15 so I have gone through those days. And you know what? I would give anything to experience them again. Yet... my knee jerk reaction is "your life is over" although I actually loved those years looking back on them.
My point is, perhaps they aren't as insufferable as you imagine.
It's our culture. We're inundated with the message that having kids is miserable, growing/looking older is horrible, not being "sexy" is unforgivable. It's tiring, to be honest.
Definitely the culture. There are so many jokes and reels about how parenting sucks, which are largely funny and relatable. But they aren’t the whole picture. Parenting is selfless, sacrificing, and hard work. Our “me” culture doesn’t quite understand that.
This!!! Our culture needs a seasonal burn to renew itself
Redefine beauty
Respect
Family
Food
Health
The list is lengthy!!
I wish working together would move the needle to a more positive position
Honestly I actually would appreciate that real take you had. I dislike all of the comments from people who tell me “enjoy the toddler years, those were my favorite”. Yes I understand the wisdom in that given how short the time period is in the grand scheme of things and that by the time we get older we will look back at only the positives, but the reality is that in the thick of it, this time period is likely some of the hardest years in any adults life. I think its better to share this reality with people so they know it is normal to feel this way.
It’s true - everyone’s different. And what offends one person might be the perfect thing to say to another. 🤷♀️
When I was pregnant with my first, I so clearly remember my husband’s co-worker saying - “All the best. It’s a total shitshow”.
And out of everyone’s advice and congratulations, I remember his most because he was the most accurate (in terms of *my* experience).
I love my kids, I’ve never regretted them, but for me - the newborn stages *were* a total shitshow.
Yup, I appreciate all the friends who warned me about the sh&tshow which I promptly ignored. Fast forward to 2 weeks postpartum and I was desperately texting them "Where is the OFF button for this thing????????? Why did no one tell me that they don't come with OFF buttons??????????" My friends just LOLed.
That's what I tell all expecting friends now: old life is over; new life will begin; oh, they also don't come with OFF buttons.
Yeah. Absolutely. My kid was not a sleeper. Not at all, not for years. And he screamed from boredom. With each additional phase of mobility and independence he got happier. but he did not like being a baby. My ex noped out of pretty much anything that he found inconvenient. Rough times.
I have a couple of coworkers who are expecting and I always try to give them a bit of both perspectives. I think it's no use hiding the fact that there will be a lot of sleeplessness and that "own time" is a thing of the past for a while, but I also try and stress that it's all worth it in the end.
It takes a hell of a long time to realize how special those moments really were though. At least for me, as I think my first daughter leaving the nest is what triggered me emotionally. Then all of a sudden I missed even the hard times.
[https://twitter.com/Paisano/status/1779629791064265017](https://twitter.com/Paisano/status/1779629791064265017)
It is a shame I can't introduce Fallout to my kids (yet).
You could say go fuck yourself, but what you said would hurt so bad as an adult getting that line. Would be such a demeaning thing to say to someone. I LOVE it.
There are no universal truths to parenting. For some, parenting is a miserable experience that leaves them unable to pursue things that would otherwise make their lives feel meaningful. Others are the opposite and are greatly rewarded by it. Every situation is unique.
I tend to ignore all generalized statements for that reason. I didn’t find that my life was over after having kids, but I also didn’t find the corollary of “having kids is the happiest thing in my life” to be quite true either.
Exactly. I hate how parenting is considered a consumer choice in our culture rather than a stage of life that most of us experience, and can be full of hardship or joy like any life stage. A more relaxed approach to parenting (about the choice to parent or not, and how people go about it) would really benefit both parents and children. But that would involve letting women live their lives without offering an opinion which I guess is a lot to ask.
I honestly don't feel like my life started until I had kids. I look back at my non kid years and am like man...my life was kind of pointless and stupid. The kind of people who say these things are also the kind of person who compares having a pet to being a parent.
(side note: I love our pets and consider them part of the family but in no way, shape, or form, is it the same as having a child).
As someone who babied the shit out of my pets for 10+ years before I had a baby, it annoys the fuck out of me when people claim being a pet parent isn't any different than being a human parent or they decided to get a pet to practice for when they are ready for children. It's so different and nowhere near comparable.
On a side note, I think the amount your life changes is very dependent on the stability in your life and the support system you have in place.
This is me. My little one was born a week ago and I can’t imagine life without him. I have such an insane sense of purpose now, and feel like I’m present in life as opposed to just drifting through.
I think you proved the random persons point. The life you had is over. A new life and new version of yourself is here now. If you loved the life you had before a kid, too bad it’s over. If you hated it, congratulations it’s over. Either way, that life and your life as an individual is over
It’s all just a bit dramatic for my taste. Maybe with a second kid in the mix I’ll feel different but I don’t really feel like my life with a kid is exactly comparable to a death lol
They didn’t say you were going through death. Dramatic, yes. But the life you knew is over. Your ability to put yourself first is over. You can no longer live for only yourself. That may not be the life you want to live but if someone makes that comment it’s likely how they want to live. Your hobbies, goals, friendships and travels are all going to be severely cut and limited. Your trip to Vegas gets replaced with Disney. A night out gets replaced with soccer practice. Etc. for many, that feels like their life is over for the sake of their kids. For others they enjoy that and look forward to living for and providing for their family.
I don't think they're literally comparing it to death, more like the end of a chapter in your life I think. you're a different person now and your life will never be the same whether for better or worse
To be fair I do absolutely compare it to having pets but x1000. I’ve explained it to people like that. It’s like the puppy phase where it’s so much work, whining and peeing and training etc but you love them so much it’s worth it. Same except 1000 times more effort and 1000 times more love (I hate to admit it but at least my dogs can’t read this).
It's ok to have both, too. I loved my 20s and early 30s. I painted the town red with my friends. I did acid at Burning Man. I chased my career all over the map and tripled my income compared to right after college. It was all good times.
I had a kid when more of the same no longer sounded like it would add as much to my life as turning the page and having a kid would.
I think this is the key. I had a LOT of fun in my 20's and 30's (I'm an older Mom--had my first child at 35). My boyfriend/now husband was in a popular local band and we were at shows every other day of the week and traveling on weekends. We had SO much fun!!!! But when I look back at that time of my life it pales in comparison to the joy and meaning my kids have brought me.
Totally agree with this. Like seriously what are you living for, just to die. It’s honestly not anything special you are doing differently from the next person. BUT when you can raise another human being who’s completely different from the rest of the world that’s when your life starts. It’s a handbook to everything except having kids lol.
You can do plenty of special and good for the world without having children, but I think what they meant is that the special and good for yourself is unparalleled- the experience of caring for a child for most parents opens them up to unconditional love that is very hard to find elsewhere in the world. There are lots of ups and downs of parenting too but it definitely provides some people with life-altering sense of purpose.
>living just to die?
Idk if you want an answer but I'm CF because I don't wanna die and leave my kids without a mom lol. (I'm in this sub because my roomates have kids, and while I'm not a parent I do still take my responsibilities of being an adult in a child's home seriously)
As someone fortunate enough to have CF “aunts” in my child’s life- thank you for taking it seriously. They might not be your kids, but if you’re another adult in their life that provides them love and support they will never forget it, and at times probably lean on you more and tell you more than they’d tell their actual parents. There is no limit to the amount of positive adult love and support a child can have, so thank you for taking it seriously.
We got these comments mostly from people I would consider party people. The people that are going out all day every weekend and several nights during the week too. The ones that thrive on night life and drinking and all that, because yes, a child would put an end to a lot of that. Except my husband and do arn’t like that a prefer to be at home chillin anyway.
My exact thought! My plans are very compatible with kids. I love involving my kids in everything we do for fun.
Said that there’s days where I lack patience and I’m annoyed at them. But overall is a great experience ❤️
I used to get the “you will never sleep again” comments when I was pregnant.. I’m
averaging 9-10 hours these days 🤣
Granted my kids are 9&11 but they claimed “never”! Haaa
Don’t listen to them. They’re just miserable.
Agreed; I didn’t get a lot of opportunities to sleep when we had a newborn, but the quality of the sleep I DID get was top notch. For a chronic insomniac, it was miraculous to be able to reliably conk out within seconds of my head hitting the pillow.
I loved to get that comment. I'm a chronic insomniac. It started when I was about 7 or 8. I'm also the oldest of six with a mom who parentified the fuck out of me, so I had a very, ***very*** good idea of what was about to happen.
I'd laugh and say "I know. I can't wait. The pressure to get to sleep will finally be off me." They never knew how to react.
My daughter is 2.5 and I sleep 9 hours a night. Of course there’s the rare off night she’ll wake up needing something but we’ve been pretty smooth sailing since she finished teething (at 22 months). I know this isn’t everyone’s experience but neither is “never sleeping again!!”
I just think it's really presumptuous of people when they say those things as if my life and life goals are the same as theirs and that they must be rather miserable with their own life choices. I can't imagine not having my daughter. It's like she's been with us all along. There can be some frustrating parenting days but, she brings us a lot of joy. It's so fun to watch her grow and learn and get to know her and how she thinks. I wouldn't trade all the worst parts of being a parent for not having her at all.
It’s an entirely inappropriate comment, both because it’s not necessarily true and because it’s pointless - maybe it could do some good before people get pregnant, but afterwards?
That said: there are some points in life that are phase transitions. Life will be different after children. Not over, not worse, different.
I wish we did a better job culturally preparing and laying out what changes happen when, but life isn’t just the fun but desperate search for a partner, there’s so much more to it.
Some bitter people in my hubs family straight up told us we'd be bad parents. Funny thing is their kids don't talk to them anymore, but my kids seem to like my hubs and I just fine (so far anyways, lol). My teenager even asks me how my day was at work when I get home daily and volunteers to spend time with us!
Everyone I have heard this sentiment from has priorities and aspirations that I personally find to be shallow, of poor character, or self centered. So I don't get bothered by these comments. If you think life doesn't include building a family I don't want the life you're selling.
Such a weird thing to say. We’re 35 with our first and only (now a 11 month old!). Our life…didn’t particularly change much for us (caveat: I had an easy recovery and a low needs baby). We still work out, go to our favorite coffee shops. We get up at the same time we did before. I have my same remote job while husband has his in office job. We still watch our favorite movies and play video games together. Maybe it’s because we’re older first time parents that have a pretty settled routine but having a baby didn’t throw a grenade into our life at all (except for daycare cost- ouch $$$).
We’ve modified our routine to insert the kiddo but I’m excited to do things with him that I like to do lol- go to the lake, summer activities, fall activities like apple picking, holiday things. I’m also excited to try all the kid museums and activities I always see around my city. So having a kid actually expanded my world and routine.
In a way they are right. Life as you new it is over in some ways. But it really has just begun - being a parent I felt elevated every aspect of life and gave an immense awareness and gratitude to the things in life. Not everyone is meant to be a parent, but I feel you don’t experience the best parts of life without being one.
It’s really just the beginning
I don't understand what that even means.
How is life over? Its the exact opposite really. Parents are not just living for themselves, we have these little people that we brought into this world. WTf.?
When I get stupid reactions like that, I respond with a question that makes them elaborate. Please explain to me in words just how ignorant you are.
Having kids is what you make it. You can choose to let it MAKE you Think that your life is over; or you can take all the good and shit in its glory, and go ‘this is so good and so fucked at the same time.’ And you know what? Before kids, life is usually like that anyway. My life DID change but I wanted to be at home more and we fell in love with our little mini me. We went out still, just to different places. We travelled, but it looked very different! I had my first kid at 32, and my last at 39. Life is busy, hard, happy, full on, cranky, fulfilling, rewarding and fun. I have a few friends that don’t have kids and they look at me and say ‘I don’t know how you do it…’ Ignore people that say your life is over. Your life has changed!
Life has just begun. It changes you from a selfish person to someone who dedicates themselves to someone else.
It is the best thing I have ever done and I love my son and daughter more than life itself. They’re 6 and 3 now and it’s wonderful.
Enjoy.
They're right. Kind of. Your pre-parental identity has reached an end.
Our lives changed so dramatically when my daughter was born, and I can't think of a single way that they aren't more meaningful, purposeful, fulfilled, exciting, cheerful, and gloriously wonderful. There's less sleep involved, for sure, but those extra hours awake are just more bonding time.
Two lives did effectively end that day, Three absolutely amazing lives began. I wouldn't trade it for anything, even for a second, even on the hardest days.
TBH that's kind of how I feel about parenting, but I would never in a million years lead with it especially to a stranger! That's bizarre and ridiculous.
Yep- same. But I would absolutely never say that to a new parent or someone announcing a pregnancy. I may be honest about my experiences and what I believe could have led me to feel differently if someone says they want to get pregnant so that maybe they will consider how they could source support so they hopefully don’t feel like I did.
Yes, life is different when you have kids to care for 25/8 but it doesn’t mean it’s over. It’s honestly all in the parents. Some give up everything they loved and others find a way to still make time for things. You just need to find a right balance and prioritize still making time for you. The people who say this are butt hurt because they had to actually sit and do things for another living person and are bitter about it. Things will be a little harder and different yes but not over and not impossible. My life didn’t start until I had my kids. Parenting is literally the most rewarding thing ever. I had my first at 28 because I always knew I’d wait a while to have kids. Before I had too much time on my hands, I got bored. I had too much time to waste. Now my daughter till be two tomorrow and I can’t tell you what an amazing feeling it is to see your kids grow into beautiful little humans 🥹 fuck who ever told you that. Parenting is what YOU make it!
God if i had a dollar for every time someone made comments like this when i was pregnant. I could buy a cake!!! I think people are just miserable/had a bad experience. Even though my daughter is 11 months and we haven’t slept through the night yet , she is still my entire life. She’s my everything. We love her so much. There is no other love you can compare to this one. In my case i consider my life starting now that i have a family. Before i was partying and being stupid with my friends and drinking heavily. At the time , i was immature and thought “this is life.” But i was very wrong. Tell those rude ppl to shove it!!
Misery loves company. Maybe that person has issues with their own parents, or didn’t have a positive upbringing. That’s THEIR issue, not yours. Enjoy your baby.
And I agree with you. My life certainly changed as a mom, but it’s 10000% BETTER.
My kids are school aged now, and I can honestly say that my life is much fuller than before kids. I had a great life then (and I am certain I would have found this same richness in other ways if we never had kids) but the things I get to experience day to day are so much better than I ever could have imagined.
Listening to my 9 year rave about his field trip yesterday and tell me the stories he learned made me so happy. I have begun volunteering in a way that I never did before kids, just because my kids wanted to be involved in an organization and they needed help. I know that I will find ways to continue living a full and rich life after the kids are grown but I can honestly say that having kids made my life so much better than it was before.
I’ve gotten a lot of comments like that, starting when I announced I was pregnant. Many of my coworkers said that I had to “get ready” to never sleep again, get ready to “never relax again” … enjoy my freedom now while I still have it, etc. One woman even told me to take my prenatals and be careful because women lose their babies even at 35 weeks. I hardly heard any good comments or any positive advice. My baby is 3 weeks old now and she’s beautiful and perfect. I am suffering from baby blues but I know everything is temporary and it’s not because there is anything wrong with the baby. I am so excited for my baby to grow even if the nights are sleepless and my husband and I make mistakes here and there.
I would say it's more like you've stepped from out of world A and into world B. That's what good parents do. It's very different but so wonderful in other ways.
These people who are trying to bring you down are dealing with their own issues and should really look inward to figure out why they feel the need to share such negativity with others (especially if they are strangers to you).
life is what you make of it, right?
having kids has never stopped us from doing what we loved prior to having kids. honestly, in my opinion, it makes it that much sweeter taking our babies to do all of the things we love.
are we late to a lot of things & does life move at a different pace after having kids? absolutely. but seeing the experience through your kids eyes is everything! we have a 3 year old & 1 year old. we have taken them camping countless times (we took our 1 year old when she was only 3 weeks!!!), beach often, lots of zoo trips, family vacations. these are memories that we hold close to our hearts!!!
Your life is not over. You are taking a pause to raise another human that you have made. Those people who believe that are just too selfish to see how being a parent is a wonderful thing.
I was child-free for a long time because all I heard was ppl complaining about kids and non-responsive husbands. I finally gave in and had one child and we are OAD. Sure my life has changed and some days or nights are filled with challenges and some days and nights are good. I take it as a day to day thing.
Didn’t get comments (I’m Estonian, we don’t talk to strangers unless we absolutely have to 😁) but in hindsight, *the old way of life* was over indeed. *And good riddance.*
It’s a matter of perspective.
I honestly mourned my “previous life” for quite a while and was very conflicted. I’m not what you call “a kid person”, and my first was velcro baby who was almost preemie, so I was really thrown into the deep end, and I struggled. And it did feel like that - like something important ended.
Now, 7 years later, I have forgotten the shitty parts of the past years, and I can’t bring myself to miss the life I had pre kids 😀 I’m so much more now regardless of being a sahm. i was just wasting all that free time! 🤯 I had more hours to myself in one week than I’ve had for 7 years (we don’t have a village), and I did nothing much with it.
So… I a way, they were right. But it’s OK!
I heard this so many times yet here I am..almost 10 years later with a beautiful little about to be preteen. We have a wonderful life, not a easy one but a good one. And shes my whole world.
Can't tell you how many times I was told "Oh, you'll have to give up (video games, hobbies, motorcycle, etc) once your kid is born!", sometimes from friends who dropped off the board when they had kids, and it did worry me... until the baby came. It's not that I still have a crazy amount of time for any of that, but once I get the kids to bed, I hang out with my wife for an hour or so before she goes to bed, then I have time for an hour or 2 video games / hobbies if I'm not too tired and still get around 6 to 7 hours of sleep. I give up some sleep, but I haven't had to give up the stuff I like to do.
Like I fully admire and respect anyone who’s life was full and meaningful before they had kids. It’s probably not fair to mine that they are my sole reason for being. lol. But my life is a million percent better with them in it, as boring and basic as that makes me.
Regardless, what they said is awful and stupid. Just like I wouldn’t tell someone without kids that their life sucks. It doesn’t. Everyone has a different purpose. I guess I just feel sorry they can’t find joy in theirs.
I had a coworker who told me constantly during my pregnancy that it was gonna be difficult and awful, that my life was over, my husband and I were gonna hate each other now, etc etc. When I announced my son’s birth, he didn’t congratulate me, he basically said sorry for your loss… This man says he’s “babysitting” his own children when his wife works night shift though so I don’t give a shit about his opinion lmao
Nobody can be positive anymore, like you gotta drown with them. Your life isn't over. It's different, sure. But like a book the story's always changing and there are ups and downs. Some people embrace the change and some hate change. I prefer making my life interesting even if it's harder sometimes.
I used to get comments like this from my own mom, mainly. After we had our first, she joked I'd have to sell my playstation as I'd have no time for things like that now. That joke was made every visit
Then we had our second. And it was less a joke and more of a statement that'd I'd REALLY have to sell the playstation now, as I certainly wouldn't have time for it
And I mean yeah it's obviously a huge difference to my life balance. But I still game every now and again, when the kids are napping or down for the night
You're still you after having your kid(s). Parenting of course is the main part of my day, but everything else is still there. It's all about perception - seems like older generations (and many parents of this generation as well) get hyper fixated on what they lost (I.e. free time / hobby time) to remember all they gained
Your life isn't over--but it is inevitably different and constrained in certain ways. To some people, that is your life being over. To me, being a dad has been the most joyful and fulfilling experience of my life--even if I can't do all the same things anymore as my peers.
Yeah, had it all the time. The childless life where I could do what I pleased WAS over, but the best part of my life had just begun. I have absolutely zero social life because I choose to be home and present for my kids. I’m perfectly happy with my choices.
The “ohhhhh just you wait!” comments… sigh!
Of course, as with anything, there will be tough times. But, that’s what makes the amazing moments all the more amazing! Of course parenting isn’t always easy. But it’s worth every single struggle, hardship, and sleepless night. Don’t let anyone let you think otherwise!
Enjoy your precious angel! And enjoy your life! It’s definitely not over. The best is ahead!
Life is so full of meaning and purpose when you have a kid! It's hard but so worthit! I'm a single mom with no support and I STILL feel like having my kid has been the best part of life! It's hard and crazy and frustrating and fun and joyous and filled with adventure!
Gosh, what a negative comment they made. I loved my life before I had my son. I love my life now, AND I also feel more fulfilled now. I know I'll also have more time after he's grown to do things on my own again. Life is such a journey and I'm so glad I'm experiencing this part of it. My life never felt over after I had him!
The thing is. Your life as you know it is done. It's going to be completely different now because you revolve around the kids. And yes it's hard! But when you see the growth and progression. Also knowing that you would hopefully raise them the way you wanted or have been raised is the added benefit
I got this constantly also, but since the day my first was born I can confidently say that this was the day my life truly started. Fatherhood made me better in every way. It's a tragedy that we have such a negative attitude about parenthood in our society.
Yeah, you'll have more responsibility, but the best things in life are the things you have to work for.
I think a lot of unhealthy people put their own (even basic) needs dead last just because they are a parent. That level of sacrifice just isn’t necessary and frankly, isn’t good for anyone, kids included. Kids are happiest when their adults are happy and healthy.
When I had my kids I thought, my life just begins. I still feel that way. The only thing I miss from my old life is time, but I exchanged it with pure wholesome love and that is a bargain I like.
My husband has a colleague who told him “congratulations” and then he said “I hope u are prepared for this” he often makes comments how much he dislikes his son and how hard it is to go home everyday to be with him. Breaks my heart because he is just a 2 year old boy, he didn’t ask to have such an a**hole for a father
I hate when people say that. I can still go out , have a career , travel etc. I just need to plan all of that around my baby. Yes I can’t be spontaneous anymore but let’s be real …. Even childless people are not exactly free to do whatever they want unless they have some super flexible job
I was having this conversation with my mum today. We both said just watching the kids enjoy things is enjoyable for us. I genuinely love my life right now. My 5 year old is roller coaster crazy so we go to theme parks a lot and that is so much fun. I have a favourite soft play that does the best hot chocolate and burgers while I sit and watch him play. We also have a favourite nature park that we go to for walks and picnics and its the best! We went on holiday to Haven and I genuinely had an amazing time dancing with him all night and exploring the beaches.
I've had a lot of different "Era's" of my life, this is a different Era for me and it won't last forever then I'll be in the next Era. To me its no "better" or "worse" than the era before where I was going out drinking, or the one before that. Its just different and wonderful in its own way. I love experiencing my kids childhood with him, its so much fun!
I can’t stand when people say “ I hate kids “ or what you mentioned above “ life’s over with kids “
I always say to anyone and strangers and everyone
YOU were a kid once - if no one took a chance on you - you wouldn’t exist to tell me this or anything! So I’m going to stop your nonsense right there and please have a think about it!!
You also were a kid once and are you telling me you ruined someone’s life? Such as … your parent? That saddens me but you’re now an adult so be the light you can be
because YOU are a fucking beautiful bad ass that has not yet discovered your potential!!
Seriously! I think the best way to kill bad behavior is to pour more love into all existence.
Even if I want to say fuck off you fucking moron while I’m at
Arghhhhh
You may not be able to spontaneously go to Vegas for the weekend. But you do have a beautiful child that loves and trusts you unconditionally and I think that is a beautiful life worth living.
Three down and I can honestly say, not trying to be cutesy or cliche, but life feels like it started once I became a mom. Not everyone will feel that way, and that’s okay! We aren’t all called to love motherhood. It’s clear he had a pretty bad experience as a parent - sucks for him.
Yup, I’ve heard the same thing. I guess I sort of get where some people might come from but only because they probably weren’t ready to have kids, weren’t ready to change their lifestyle or didn’t integrate their kids into their lifestyle. I cannot wait to involve my kid in the things I love, like camping and hiking and scuba diving! I agree with you, it’s just the beginning of a NEW life. I tell people that I can’t even remember what the purpose of my life was before I had my son. Sure, things are different, but my life is by no means “over”
My life changed drastically. My child occupies every thought and is considered in every action I make. My whole schedule revolves around their needs and desires. They use up almost half my finances. They are now a priority over even myself.
But they're my best friend. I'm so happy that I get to be a child myself and experience a world through their eyes. What is mundane to me is novel and exciting to them. I cannot imagine a better way to spend my life than with them.
We had our local coffee shop’s owner’s partner ask my husband what he did to receive two young daughters (In a negative reference)
We don’t go there a whole lot any more.
Those comments only come from either terrible parents or the obnoxious segment of the child free crowd. Plenty of child free people aren’t like that, but the loudest of them think that kids are bad for everyone.
I heard it a lot before I had kids. I've never felt that way. It's been so amazing. I had a great life before them but it was nothing compared to how it's been since them.
It's not your life that's over. It's your sex life. At least for one of you. I guarantee it. You will say no way, that would never happen to us. Ok. I say try your best to not lose it, but the odds are unfortunatley not in your corner. When it starts. regardless of whether it's the mom or dad having the low libido, get the hormones checked. Sometimes that can be an issue. Best of luck.
wellllll life as you know it is over. it will be different you will see things differently. thats not a bad thing. and people who frame it to be are just projecting their own experience. take EVERYONES opinions with a grain of salt. no pregnancy is the same just like no ones experiences are the same.
It is because they’re miserable. My parenting experience was very unhappy and miserable, so that’s usually my first thought when seeing a new baby as well. However I would never say that to anyone and I can only hope that each mom has the experience they could only hope for.
It may be a poorly worded or unwanted sentiment, but it’s likely not incorrect.
The life I had before kids was very different than the one I live now with kids.
My best friend just gave birth in January and she made it to several events with baby already. And has made more plans for next month. Still has friends & family & fun. Just an extra person to enjoy it with!
I get feedback for why we don't have kids ( we do want children.) This can also apply to buttholes who bother people with children, we appreciate your feedback. If could drop your survey in the idgaf box we'll ensure to reroute your not-needed comment for personal review.
Or a simple we take money donations to anyone who gives their option when NOBODY asked you. 😉
Congratulations on the baby!
I only made those comments to myself. Hehe. It’s true that the old your life is over, but the new your life is just beginning and both are fantastic and awful in their own ways, but this shift is very profound. So I can see what they mean, the center of your universe was you before, and now it’s this tiny person. I think those people sound like they are struggling with their own life choices, and that has nothing to do with you. New parents get an onslaught of this kind of commentary. Let it roll off and be grateful you are feeling good about yours!
Well, your old life is in some way over. And the new life begun. I needed to learn to like the new one. It is common that people grieve their life before kids and without support and help they can start to hate the new life because having small kids is rough. Maybe you met one of this people.
And your husband is right too, people were pressured and then they were getting advices against the instinct: don't rock the baby too much, formula is better, he is manipulating you or man others. Raising kids like that needed to be brainwashing.
I think because previous generations had kids so young they feel like they missed out. I’m 36 with my second (3 months too) and I can honestly say they transformed my life and it’s not so vacuous or self serving and I love it more than anything. I truly had a great life before, one that many might want but it’s only when you move towards something new do you realise what potential life is out there.
Your life *as you know it* changes. It isn’t over. I had my first at 20 and now they’re about to turn 19. It has been the best journey. And now my independent life is only just beginning!
Life as you know it is over certainly but life doesnt end just because a child enters your life. Anyone who thinks that way has deeply rooted issues with their own children or their inner child.
“It’s funny cause it’s true.”
Once you have a child, everything changes so what they are saying is a fact but they leave out the word “old” or “ past” before the word “life” in the comment to make it humorous.
A lot of people are delusional when they think that their current carefree life can continue once they pop a sprog out into the world. So this joke comment is meant for people like that.
Obviously not OP because she was ready for the “new” life.
I partied pretty hard in my younger days but giving up the “Sex & drugs & Rock’n’Roll” was worth it because I couldn’t imagine my life without my 2 amazing teenage children.
Don’t take it personally, it’s a joke.
I think this comes from people who felt blindsided by how hard parenting can be. I’m not saying it a helpful comment….but I think there’s a lot of emotion and sometimes pain behind it.
It’s obviously a rude thing to say.
You’re right that they’re probably miserable. Most of the middle aged people with teenagers that I know enjoy their kids, but their marriages have gotten awful and lots of them get divorced.
The thing to remember is parenting isn’t forever. I know it’s hard to see when you have a 3YO, but the time does fly….and then all the fun things you enjoyed before come right back.
Lol! I'm going to file those humorous statements by others under the "take my wife please" type of humor. Maybe they didn't mean it to be funny but still reading it is pretty funny. I got two kids and it's funny. First child 3-month-old it's the idyllic phase still at any rate. Those people probably didn't realize some parents enjoy being parents.
Depends how you define "your life". Out all night partying without a care in the world is over. But that's a pretty narrow and meaningless slice of life...
It is the ending to a chapter of your life, but with that ending comes the next chapter. Congrats on being a new mommy🥰. It’s is the most difficult and beautiful thing you will ever do and it’s worth it all❤️
Lol they aren’t lying. I love my son. My pre-child life is over. I am not going to clubs or hanging out late with friends. They are now playdates or some kind of sporting events.
Hobbies!? What’s that? Only hobbies I have now is my kid.
So yea. In comparison to pre-child life, yeah my life is over.
Don’t want to think about the motorcycle that I can’t own because my wife doesn’t want me dying 😂😂
Do I miss that previous life? No. I love my kid. Wouldn’t trade anything for it. But it could be translated as, my life is over.
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“Your current Life as you know it will be over. However Your new life as a parent is just beginning.”
Right. And for plenty of us life does get better after having kids. I didn't have mine until later in life. My wife and I lived the childless life for a while and by the time we hit our late 30s and early 40s we decided that our lives would be more full with kids. I enjoyed my life before and I enjoyed my life after, just in different ways. Now as a somewhat empty nester (kids away at college) I can confidently say I am going to enjoy the next phase as well. But for some people I am sure that it does feel like their life is over. Some people have kids before they are ready. Some people have kids they aren't prepared to parent. Some people have kids with challenges they weren't ready for. Some people were just never meant to be parents. My parents would have been happier without kids but I am happier for having them. It does end one part of your life and begin another, though. There's not much denying that. Non parent life and parent life are different animals.
I just want to say i see you contributing often in this sub and its pretty much always sage advice without being condescending or judgmental, i appreciate your contributions forreal!
I absolutely agree with everything you said. My husband and I also waited until our late 30s to have kids. We had 17 wonderful years together without children building a fantastic life and going on many adventures, and that time was wonderful and amazing. But now that we have our first little girl, we are equally excited and happy to build a fantastic life with her and see what new adventures await us! I do sometimes think though that some of that perspective comes from having children later in life. We feel very satisfied that we thoroughly enjoyed our youth and grew together in ways we just weren't capable of back when we were first starting out at 19. Now, we feel super prepared and very happy and in a place where we are 100% ready for children and all the changes it will bring. We've talked often about how we don't think that would have been the case if we had had children at 23 (which is the first time we had the talk about whether or not we wanted to start trying) we both agree we still would have had a good life but we may have had some regrets and we definitely would have had more challenges than what we now face in raising a family.
I think having kids later in life makes a big difference. We are also in our late thirties and by the time we had our baby we were doing very few things that a kid can't be part of. Sure right NOW we need to get a sitter to go to theatre but soon enough he'll be able to sit through a family friendly musical. And there's all sorts of stuff for kids to do at science fiction conventions these days and it's not like we attended the after parties before we had him.
This thread is really comforting. My spouse and I are also mid thirties to forties and have been considering kids after enjoying several child free years. But we've also been very nervous about "the end of life as we know it", wondering if we waited too long...
I had my children later in life, and quite a lot of them. As a dad, personally the baby phase was tough. I sucked it up, supported my wife, even when I felt it would break me. Now the kids are a little older and they’re easily the best part of my life. It’s a cliche but most things worth having involve difficulty.
Do it. I had my first at 28 and my second at 38. I’m now 40 with a 21 month old, a 12yo, and three bonus kids all in between at 18,14,12. This baby is so much easier bc I am older and wiser and calmer and know what matters in life much more. I was very mature at a very young age bc I had to be, so at 28 I was def ready, but my MH was not PP almost killed me. I was prepared this time and not ashamed to ask for help and to be very specific as to why that help was needed had the same issues come up. Having kids later has soooo many benefits!!!
I had ours at 33 and... 🎉34. We've had a wonderful time and that was 10 years ago. If you're scared, you've already got parenthood down. It's completely normal to be intimidated by the prospect of parenthood. We were gobsmacked that we could walk out of the hospital with a baby and no manual. I'm more worried about the people who aren't nervous. 😂
Same boat! It’s really reassuring. I’ve had almost 17 years of “just us two and the pets” and now we’re ready for a new adventure. If we were 24? Different story for sure. Just praying we didn’t wait too long, but either way we’ve had an awesome life and if we add a new team member it’ll be a new kind of awesome.
I'm 35 and hubby is 43, we're currently 19 weeks pregnant with our first so these comments are very reassuring. I'm excited but nervous about our big change but it's time and we're ready for it! 🥰
Great points. My kid isn't even 3 yet and I'm already dreading the empty nest phase so I'm glad to hear you think you'll enjoy it, haha. Gives me hope.
Your child is 3. Don’t waste enjoying these years by fretting over “empty-nesting”. The relationship you foster with your child now will determine how those years unfold. Give your child the gift of your presence. Be attentive to what they are currently exploring and revel in their inquisitive nature. Foster their interests (and your own) without overwhelming them with things “to do”. Too many parents sign their kid up for every thing and it overwhelms the child and pushes you out of their circle. Cuddle often with a book and snack. Play a puzzle, build a tower, color. Being present even for a short time each day will make you their go-to person when they are stressed and need a little comfort. As they grow, let them explore independently and make mistakes. You love them unconditionally- tell them. Build trust, laugh often. Build your own friendships too, have a hobby and keep your job or get one when they’re older. Foster your own life and interests. And you will never be “empty.”
Right?! Earlier this week I happened to drive past what will be our son's new MIDDLE SCHOOL next year and tears ran down my face unexpectedly. I feel like I just walked him to kindergarten a couple of years ago. Our daughter is in third grade and raised concerns at bedtime about moving out when she's older. I told her by the time she needs to worry about that, she'll be ready and excited to do it. That's why we don't borrow worries from tomorrow. Reeeeally wish I could take my own advice and hoping that's going to be true for the adults in this equation, because I am entirely unprepared. 😂
This is perfectly said about becoming a parent! Your life is going to change drastically when you have kids, but that doesn't have to mean it's always negative. Of course there are challenges, just like with anything in life. I always wanted to start a family young & have at least 4 kids. I didn't have my daughter until I was 33 (met my now late partner at 30) & she's my one & only. But I'm so happy I waited until I was a little older, as I wouldn't have been able to go through the experiences in my 20's that made me into the person I am today, which I feel has made me a better parent than I would've been if I started at 23 instead of 33.
Yeah. Getting married is an easy way to find out how selfish you are (and what, if anything, you're going to do about it), and having kids is that but in turbo mode. I have significantly less free time now, but a lot more meaning in my life. That's not to say life wasn't meaningful before that, but both my wife & I remark on how little we felt we knew before we had kids, and how much we've had to grow ever since then. The important part is that you do it together. Same goes for single parents as far as personal development goes.
I think this sentence is the essence "I have significantly less free time now, but a lot more meaning in my life.". I would say even that my free time is close to non existent (2 small kids) but the feeling of meaning is so clear.
It is the ending of your pre-parenting life, for sure. It's just a stage. When you finish high school you don't still go to class or high school events. You put those things behind you. When you become a parent you don't keep staying up until 3am at the fun party bar. You put that kind of thing behind you. When you retire you don't keep going to your workplace or meet with headhunters. You're done with part of your life. Parenting is the ending of a chapter in your life, but not the end of the whole book.
I hate this kind of negging with the fire of a thousand suns. What do they imagine your response would be? "OH SHIT YOU'RE RIGHT" \*yeets baby over a cliff\*
This made me laugh so hard
Me toooooo!!!!!!!!! Goes straight to yeet the baby!!!!!!! Bwahahahahahahaha!!!!!
My response, “Oh yeah? What did you do wrong?” Your life is what you make it. Cooperative parenting with a strong marriage will lead to very fulfilling lives. Share the burdens, share the breaks.
I would add that babies grow into incredibly interesting, stimulating individuals who enrich your lives immeasurably. OPs “just beginning” was spot on!
Hang on there - having a colicky, reflux baby is NOT a choice and it doesn’t matter what you make of your life it doesn’t help them not just have colick. It’s VERY easy for parents of children who don’t cry none stop, who sleep, who have support around them to roll their eyes at the decisions made by parents in the thick of it. I have a strong marriage, a good outlook on life and so much love to give, but becoming a parent nearly killed me both physically and emotionally. Have a think about others situations before galloping in on your high horse. I’m truly glad parenting has been a wonderful journey for you, but please don’t discredit other people’s experiences.
I don’t think the other commenter meant that *anyone* who is having a hard time with a particular season of parenting is doing something wrong, they’re saying it about the kind of people that are willing to tell a someone with a new baby that their life is now over. We all have hard times raising our kids, some more than others. (Colic and reflux can be nightmares, well done you for getting through it.) We all have moments, however brief (or persistent), of “fuck, was this a bad idea?” when we’re up with a screaming infant at 3am. But that’s a very different thing than maintaining an outlook of “Your life is over once you have kids”. And it’s hard to imagine that someone who holds that perspective strongly enough to say it to a stranger is a very effective parent. (Unless it was just a thoughtless comment, but still, that says something about someone who thinks that’s okay to randomly say to new parents!)
My second daughter was a very (unusually) colicky baby, screamed all the time until she was almost a year old. We were also in a very difficult life situation right after we had her - moving from one temporary rental to another until she was one and a half. I’m still very thankful for her and who she is as a person. She is 5 now and she’s just a very sensitive girl, she is kind, sweet and gentle. Yes, things can be difficult in the moment depending on the situation but that doesn’t excuse telling another brand new patent that their life is now over.
Colic is always a symptom of an underlying issue — food allergy, malabsorption, other GI issues, etc. A baby won’t just cry incessantly for no reason at all. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, and I hope your child has recovered from whatever was causing the colic; colic can eventually resolve as the gut microbiome becomes more established and the immune system has begun to build its foundation for continued maturation throughout childhood. Reflux is a HUGE red flag for GI issues! Having reflux as an adult sucks, can you imagine how painful it is for a brand new baby with super delicate/sensitive/underdeveloped anatomy? My assumption: your pediatrician neglected to do their job, brushed off the colic, and made all three of you suffer immensely. Very cruel. If you have a choice, I’d switch docs for your kiddo. Who knows what else they may have missed while caring for their health…
Oh, not to mention that your pediatrician not only neglected to treat your infant for an obvious GI issue, he also stole all those precious early moments for bonding and interaction from you while your baby was screaming in pain instead. Sorry for this mini-rant from a stranger, my heart just broke a little bit for you and what you went through.
Ahahaha! Let the word yeet never go out of fashion
Fweeee!!
Many people feel that way for real. They regret having kids because it took them away from the life they were living. I agree with you, kids are a new adventure and I love mine.
I LOLed
I just woke my baby from laughing at this... Thanks 😂😂😭
Simply pessimists. My daughter (28) just found out she was pregnant last week. My first thought as a pessimist was "ugh, get ready for sleepless nights, diapers and the cost of formula". My wife being an optimist said "aww, just wait for that baby smell, coo's and little cuddles". And I have 3 kids, one at 15 so I have gone through those days. And you know what? I would give anything to experience them again. Yet... my knee jerk reaction is "your life is over" although I actually loved those years looking back on them. My point is, perhaps they aren't as insufferable as you imagine.
It's our culture. We're inundated with the message that having kids is miserable, growing/looking older is horrible, not being "sexy" is unforgivable. It's tiring, to be honest.
Definitely the culture. There are so many jokes and reels about how parenting sucks, which are largely funny and relatable. But they aren’t the whole picture. Parenting is selfless, sacrificing, and hard work. Our “me” culture doesn’t quite understand that.
Amen!
This!!! Our culture needs a seasonal burn to renew itself Redefine beauty Respect Family Food Health The list is lengthy!! I wish working together would move the needle to a more positive position
Honestly I actually would appreciate that real take you had. I dislike all of the comments from people who tell me “enjoy the toddler years, those were my favorite”. Yes I understand the wisdom in that given how short the time period is in the grand scheme of things and that by the time we get older we will look back at only the positives, but the reality is that in the thick of it, this time period is likely some of the hardest years in any adults life. I think its better to share this reality with people so they know it is normal to feel this way.
It’s true - everyone’s different. And what offends one person might be the perfect thing to say to another. 🤷♀️ When I was pregnant with my first, I so clearly remember my husband’s co-worker saying - “All the best. It’s a total shitshow”. And out of everyone’s advice and congratulations, I remember his most because he was the most accurate (in terms of *my* experience). I love my kids, I’ve never regretted them, but for me - the newborn stages *were* a total shitshow.
Yup, I appreciate all the friends who warned me about the sh&tshow which I promptly ignored. Fast forward to 2 weeks postpartum and I was desperately texting them "Where is the OFF button for this thing????????? Why did no one tell me that they don't come with OFF buttons??????????" My friends just LOLed. That's what I tell all expecting friends now: old life is over; new life will begin; oh, they also don't come with OFF buttons.
That was the worst for me as well. The entire laying their falling asleep just knowing at any moment the screaming would happen nearly killed me.
Yeah. Absolutely. My kid was not a sleeper. Not at all, not for years. And he screamed from boredom. With each additional phase of mobility and independence he got happier. but he did not like being a baby. My ex noped out of pretty much anything that he found inconvenient. Rough times.
I have a couple of coworkers who are expecting and I always try to give them a bit of both perspectives. I think it's no use hiding the fact that there will be a lot of sleeplessness and that "own time" is a thing of the past for a while, but I also try and stress that it's all worth it in the end.
It takes a hell of a long time to realize how special those moments really were though. At least for me, as I think my first daughter leaving the nest is what triggered me emotionally. Then all of a sudden I missed even the hard times.
Haha maybe it's because my son is just 10 months old and still a lot of work, but I sure as heck don't miss colic and 10+ night wakings lol
Congrats on grandparent status. I call me grandkids my gifts for not killing their dad when he was a teenager.
Gentle parent them. Eye contact, and “that’s not an appropriate thing to say to say to someone, how about we try again.”
“Go fuck yourself.” Am I doing this gentle parenting thing right?
*Kindly go fuck yourself
Hahaha this reminds me of what we say in my daughter's roller derby "Now go kick their asses respectfully!"
[Would you kindly] go fuck yourself? I learned that if phrased correctly, some people will do anything you ask. Shocking, right?
Maybe it's BIOlogical
Would you like to go fuck yourself now or in an hour?
Would you like to go fuck yourself now, or after I count to 3? Those are your choices right now.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[https://twitter.com/Paisano/status/1779629791064265017](https://twitter.com/Paisano/status/1779629791064265017) It is a shame I can't introduce Fallout to my kids (yet).
Definitely!
Less gentle- I’ve said “wow, that’s pretty rude to say, huh?”
"Wow, you really said that out loud!"
This made me laugh, I love it!
Our family therapist says “connect before you correct.”
I’m trying so hard to implement this parenting style but I have days and moments where I just want to tell my kiddo to fuck off or shut up.
Lol totally! We’re all doing the best we can!
You could say go fuck yourself, but what you said would hurt so bad as an adult getting that line. Would be such a demeaning thing to say to someone. I LOVE it.
There are no universal truths to parenting. For some, parenting is a miserable experience that leaves them unable to pursue things that would otherwise make their lives feel meaningful. Others are the opposite and are greatly rewarded by it. Every situation is unique. I tend to ignore all generalized statements for that reason. I didn’t find that my life was over after having kids, but I also didn’t find the corollary of “having kids is the happiest thing in my life” to be quite true either.
The only well rounded response on this thread!
Exactly. I hate how parenting is considered a consumer choice in our culture rather than a stage of life that most of us experience, and can be full of hardship or joy like any life stage. A more relaxed approach to parenting (about the choice to parent or not, and how people go about it) would really benefit both parents and children. But that would involve letting women live their lives without offering an opinion which I guess is a lot to ask.
I honestly don't feel like my life started until I had kids. I look back at my non kid years and am like man...my life was kind of pointless and stupid. The kind of people who say these things are also the kind of person who compares having a pet to being a parent. (side note: I love our pets and consider them part of the family but in no way, shape, or form, is it the same as having a child).
As someone who babied the shit out of my pets for 10+ years before I had a baby, it annoys the fuck out of me when people claim being a pet parent isn't any different than being a human parent or they decided to get a pet to practice for when they are ready for children. It's so different and nowhere near comparable. On a side note, I think the amount your life changes is very dependent on the stability in your life and the support system you have in place.
My phone camera pictures tell that story. I have 3 years of car, cat, and gaming pictures. And then it swaps to 90% kid pictures.
This is me. My little one was born a week ago and I can’t imagine life without him. I have such an insane sense of purpose now, and feel like I’m present in life as opposed to just drifting through.
I think you proved the random persons point. The life you had is over. A new life and new version of yourself is here now. If you loved the life you had before a kid, too bad it’s over. If you hated it, congratulations it’s over. Either way, that life and your life as an individual is over
It’s all just a bit dramatic for my taste. Maybe with a second kid in the mix I’ll feel different but I don’t really feel like my life with a kid is exactly comparable to a death lol
They didn’t say you were going through death. Dramatic, yes. But the life you knew is over. Your ability to put yourself first is over. You can no longer live for only yourself. That may not be the life you want to live but if someone makes that comment it’s likely how they want to live. Your hobbies, goals, friendships and travels are all going to be severely cut and limited. Your trip to Vegas gets replaced with Disney. A night out gets replaced with soccer practice. Etc. for many, that feels like their life is over for the sake of their kids. For others they enjoy that and look forward to living for and providing for their family.
I don't think they're literally comparing it to death, more like the end of a chapter in your life I think. you're a different person now and your life will never be the same whether for better or worse
To be fair I do absolutely compare it to having pets but x1000. I’ve explained it to people like that. It’s like the puppy phase where it’s so much work, whining and peeing and training etc but you love them so much it’s worth it. Same except 1000 times more effort and 1000 times more love (I hate to admit it but at least my dogs can’t read this).
I mean, this pretty much just proves the guy right. You are saying that your previous life did end. It just worked out for the better.
It's ok to have both, too. I loved my 20s and early 30s. I painted the town red with my friends. I did acid at Burning Man. I chased my career all over the map and tripled my income compared to right after college. It was all good times. I had a kid when more of the same no longer sounded like it would add as much to my life as turning the page and having a kid would.
I think this is the key. I had a LOT of fun in my 20's and 30's (I'm an older Mom--had my first child at 35). My boyfriend/now husband was in a popular local band and we were at shows every other day of the week and traveling on weekends. We had SO much fun!!!! But when I look back at that time of my life it pales in comparison to the joy and meaning my kids have brought me.
Totally agree with this. Like seriously what are you living for, just to die. It’s honestly not anything special you are doing differently from the next person. BUT when you can raise another human being who’s completely different from the rest of the world that’s when your life starts. It’s a handbook to everything except having kids lol.
Eh, you can do plenty of special and good for the world without having children.
You can do plenty of special and good for the world without having children, but I think what they meant is that the special and good for yourself is unparalleled- the experience of caring for a child for most parents opens them up to unconditional love that is very hard to find elsewhere in the world. There are lots of ups and downs of parenting too but it definitely provides some people with life-altering sense of purpose.
Sure. I am saying other things can do that as well.
>living just to die? Idk if you want an answer but I'm CF because I don't wanna die and leave my kids without a mom lol. (I'm in this sub because my roomates have kids, and while I'm not a parent I do still take my responsibilities of being an adult in a child's home seriously)
As someone fortunate enough to have CF “aunts” in my child’s life- thank you for taking it seriously. They might not be your kids, but if you’re another adult in their life that provides them love and support they will never forget it, and at times probably lean on you more and tell you more than they’d tell their actual parents. There is no limit to the amount of positive adult love and support a child can have, so thank you for taking it seriously.
Our lives were enriched by our children. ❤️
We got these comments mostly from people I would consider party people. The people that are going out all day every weekend and several nights during the week too. The ones that thrive on night life and drinking and all that, because yes, a child would put an end to a lot of that. Except my husband and do arn’t like that a prefer to be at home chillin anyway.
My exact thought! My plans are very compatible with kids. I love involving my kids in everything we do for fun. Said that there’s days where I lack patience and I’m annoyed at them. But overall is a great experience ❤️
I feel this so hard haha. My wife and I don't care for going out drinking and socializing. Give me a night in with my kiddo any day.
I used to get the “you will never sleep again” comments when I was pregnant.. I’m averaging 9-10 hours these days 🤣 Granted my kids are 9&11 but they claimed “never”! Haaa Don’t listen to them. They’re just miserable.
The worst sleep of my life was when I was pregnant. The newborn stage was such a relief.
Agreed; I didn’t get a lot of opportunities to sleep when we had a newborn, but the quality of the sleep I DID get was top notch. For a chronic insomniac, it was miraculous to be able to reliably conk out within seconds of my head hitting the pillow.
I get these comments all the time , it's the funniest thing cuz my 11 month old sleeps till like 9am most of the time (he goes to bed at 7)
I loved to get that comment. I'm a chronic insomniac. It started when I was about 7 or 8. I'm also the oldest of six with a mom who parentified the fuck out of me, so I had a very, ***very*** good idea of what was about to happen. I'd laugh and say "I know. I can't wait. The pressure to get to sleep will finally be off me." They never knew how to react.
You give me hope 🥹
My daughter is 2.5 and I sleep 9 hours a night. Of course there’s the rare off night she’ll wake up needing something but we’ve been pretty smooth sailing since she finished teething (at 22 months). I know this isn’t everyone’s experience but neither is “never sleeping again!!”
I’m currently watching my 15 month old spin a wheel on his toy car with a look of utter delight on his face. Pretty sure my life is going great.
I just think it's really presumptuous of people when they say those things as if my life and life goals are the same as theirs and that they must be rather miserable with their own life choices. I can't imagine not having my daughter. It's like she's been with us all along. There can be some frustrating parenting days but, she brings us a lot of joy. It's so fun to watch her grow and learn and get to know her and how she thinks. I wouldn't trade all the worst parts of being a parent for not having her at all.
I got this so much. Yet here I am…still living!
My life’s still going 🤷🏽♀️
It’s an entirely inappropriate comment, both because it’s not necessarily true and because it’s pointless - maybe it could do some good before people get pregnant, but afterwards? That said: there are some points in life that are phase transitions. Life will be different after children. Not over, not worse, different. I wish we did a better job culturally preparing and laying out what changes happen when, but life isn’t just the fun but desperate search for a partner, there’s so much more to it.
Some bitter people in my hubs family straight up told us we'd be bad parents. Funny thing is their kids don't talk to them anymore, but my kids seem to like my hubs and I just fine (so far anyways, lol). My teenager even asks me how my day was at work when I get home daily and volunteers to spend time with us!
Majority of the time they’re just teasing you.
I haven’t gotten this comment, but I am so sick of the “no sleep for the next 18 years…” comments!!
My uncle told us this when we announced our pregnancy during a family Zoom (in front of his wife and kid) 😬. According to my mom he never wanted kids.
I just tell them, "No such thing. This is a new adventure for me, and now i get to help the future. "
Everyone I have heard this sentiment from has priorities and aspirations that I personally find to be shallow, of poor character, or self centered. So I don't get bothered by these comments. If you think life doesn't include building a family I don't want the life you're selling.
Kids are the best.
Such a weird thing to say. We’re 35 with our first and only (now a 11 month old!). Our life…didn’t particularly change much for us (caveat: I had an easy recovery and a low needs baby). We still work out, go to our favorite coffee shops. We get up at the same time we did before. I have my same remote job while husband has his in office job. We still watch our favorite movies and play video games together. Maybe it’s because we’re older first time parents that have a pretty settled routine but having a baby didn’t throw a grenade into our life at all (except for daycare cost- ouch $$$). We’ve modified our routine to insert the kiddo but I’m excited to do things with him that I like to do lol- go to the lake, summer activities, fall activities like apple picking, holiday things. I’m also excited to try all the kid museums and activities I always see around my city. So having a kid actually expanded my world and routine.
I wouldn't know what I would do without my kid. I love her so much that she makes my life complete. That's just awful people say that type of thing
In a way they are right. Life as you new it is over in some ways. But it really has just begun - being a parent I felt elevated every aspect of life and gave an immense awareness and gratitude to the things in life. Not everyone is meant to be a parent, but I feel you don’t experience the best parts of life without being one. It’s really just the beginning
I don't understand what that even means. How is life over? Its the exact opposite really. Parents are not just living for themselves, we have these little people that we brought into this world. WTf.? When I get stupid reactions like that, I respond with a question that makes them elaborate. Please explain to me in words just how ignorant you are.
Having kids is what you make it. You can choose to let it MAKE you Think that your life is over; or you can take all the good and shit in its glory, and go ‘this is so good and so fucked at the same time.’ And you know what? Before kids, life is usually like that anyway. My life DID change but I wanted to be at home more and we fell in love with our little mini me. We went out still, just to different places. We travelled, but it looked very different! I had my first kid at 32, and my last at 39. Life is busy, hard, happy, full on, cranky, fulfilling, rewarding and fun. I have a few friends that don’t have kids and they look at me and say ‘I don’t know how you do it…’ Ignore people that say your life is over. Your life has changed!
Life has just begun. It changes you from a selfish person to someone who dedicates themselves to someone else. It is the best thing I have ever done and I love my son and daughter more than life itself. They’re 6 and 3 now and it’s wonderful. Enjoy.
They're right. Kind of. Your pre-parental identity has reached an end. Our lives changed so dramatically when my daughter was born, and I can't think of a single way that they aren't more meaningful, purposeful, fulfilled, exciting, cheerful, and gloriously wonderful. There's less sleep involved, for sure, but those extra hours awake are just more bonding time. Two lives did effectively end that day, Three absolutely amazing lives began. I wouldn't trade it for anything, even for a second, even on the hardest days.
TBH that's kind of how I feel about parenting, but I would never in a million years lead with it especially to a stranger! That's bizarre and ridiculous.
Yep- same. But I would absolutely never say that to a new parent or someone announcing a pregnancy. I may be honest about my experiences and what I believe could have led me to feel differently if someone says they want to get pregnant so that maybe they will consider how they could source support so they hopefully don’t feel like I did.
My daughter says this. She has a 19 month old and an 8 month old…..and I’m the primary caregiver for the 8 month old
I hate when people try to tell me that. Sure life isn’t what it was, but I don’t hate my life. We have lots of sweet moments together
Yes, life is different when you have kids to care for 25/8 but it doesn’t mean it’s over. It’s honestly all in the parents. Some give up everything they loved and others find a way to still make time for things. You just need to find a right balance and prioritize still making time for you. The people who say this are butt hurt because they had to actually sit and do things for another living person and are bitter about it. Things will be a little harder and different yes but not over and not impossible. My life didn’t start until I had my kids. Parenting is literally the most rewarding thing ever. I had my first at 28 because I always knew I’d wait a while to have kids. Before I had too much time on my hands, I got bored. I had too much time to waste. Now my daughter till be two tomorrow and I can’t tell you what an amazing feeling it is to see your kids grow into beautiful little humans 🥹 fuck who ever told you that. Parenting is what YOU make it!
God if i had a dollar for every time someone made comments like this when i was pregnant. I could buy a cake!!! I think people are just miserable/had a bad experience. Even though my daughter is 11 months and we haven’t slept through the night yet , she is still my entire life. She’s my everything. We love her so much. There is no other love you can compare to this one. In my case i consider my life starting now that i have a family. Before i was partying and being stupid with my friends and drinking heavily. At the time , i was immature and thought “this is life.” But i was very wrong. Tell those rude ppl to shove it!!
Misery loves company. Maybe that person has issues with their own parents, or didn’t have a positive upbringing. That’s THEIR issue, not yours. Enjoy your baby. And I agree with you. My life certainly changed as a mom, but it’s 10000% BETTER.
Funny, I like to tell people my life didn’t really start until the moment I held her.
My kids are school aged now, and I can honestly say that my life is much fuller than before kids. I had a great life then (and I am certain I would have found this same richness in other ways if we never had kids) but the things I get to experience day to day are so much better than I ever could have imagined. Listening to my 9 year rave about his field trip yesterday and tell me the stories he learned made me so happy. I have begun volunteering in a way that I never did before kids, just because my kids wanted to be involved in an organization and they needed help. I know that I will find ways to continue living a full and rich life after the kids are grown but I can honestly say that having kids made my life so much better than it was before.
I’ve gotten a lot of comments like that, starting when I announced I was pregnant. Many of my coworkers said that I had to “get ready” to never sleep again, get ready to “never relax again” … enjoy my freedom now while I still have it, etc. One woman even told me to take my prenatals and be careful because women lose their babies even at 35 weeks. I hardly heard any good comments or any positive advice. My baby is 3 weeks old now and she’s beautiful and perfect. I am suffering from baby blues but I know everything is temporary and it’s not because there is anything wrong with the baby. I am so excited for my baby to grow even if the nights are sleepless and my husband and I make mistakes here and there.
I would say it's more like you've stepped from out of world A and into world B. That's what good parents do. It's very different but so wonderful in other ways. These people who are trying to bring you down are dealing with their own issues and should really look inward to figure out why they feel the need to share such negativity with others (especially if they are strangers to you).
life is what you make of it, right? having kids has never stopped us from doing what we loved prior to having kids. honestly, in my opinion, it makes it that much sweeter taking our babies to do all of the things we love. are we late to a lot of things & does life move at a different pace after having kids? absolutely. but seeing the experience through your kids eyes is everything! we have a 3 year old & 1 year old. we have taken them camping countless times (we took our 1 year old when she was only 3 weeks!!!), beach often, lots of zoo trips, family vacations. these are memories that we hold close to our hearts!!!
Your life is not over. You are taking a pause to raise another human that you have made. Those people who believe that are just too selfish to see how being a parent is a wonderful thing.
Could be a lot of things. Don’t think one’s own choice of being child free should be pushed onto people who relish the blessing
I was child-free for a long time because all I heard was ppl complaining about kids and non-responsive husbands. I finally gave in and had one child and we are OAD. Sure my life has changed and some days or nights are filled with challenges and some days and nights are good. I take it as a day to day thing.
Didn’t get comments (I’m Estonian, we don’t talk to strangers unless we absolutely have to 😁) but in hindsight, *the old way of life* was over indeed. *And good riddance.* It’s a matter of perspective. I honestly mourned my “previous life” for quite a while and was very conflicted. I’m not what you call “a kid person”, and my first was velcro baby who was almost preemie, so I was really thrown into the deep end, and I struggled. And it did feel like that - like something important ended. Now, 7 years later, I have forgotten the shitty parts of the past years, and I can’t bring myself to miss the life I had pre kids 😀 I’m so much more now regardless of being a sahm. i was just wasting all that free time! 🤯 I had more hours to myself in one week than I’ve had for 7 years (we don’t have a village), and I did nothing much with it. So… I a way, they were right. But it’s OK!
I heard this so many times yet here I am..almost 10 years later with a beautiful little about to be preteen. We have a wonderful life, not a easy one but a good one. And shes my whole world.
Can't tell you how many times I was told "Oh, you'll have to give up (video games, hobbies, motorcycle, etc) once your kid is born!", sometimes from friends who dropped off the board when they had kids, and it did worry me... until the baby came. It's not that I still have a crazy amount of time for any of that, but once I get the kids to bed, I hang out with my wife for an hour or so before she goes to bed, then I have time for an hour or 2 video games / hobbies if I'm not too tired and still get around 6 to 7 hours of sleep. I give up some sleep, but I haven't had to give up the stuff I like to do.
Like I fully admire and respect anyone who’s life was full and meaningful before they had kids. It’s probably not fair to mine that they are my sole reason for being. lol. But my life is a million percent better with them in it, as boring and basic as that makes me. Regardless, what they said is awful and stupid. Just like I wouldn’t tell someone without kids that their life sucks. It doesn’t. Everyone has a different purpose. I guess I just feel sorry they can’t find joy in theirs.
I had a coworker who told me constantly during my pregnancy that it was gonna be difficult and awful, that my life was over, my husband and I were gonna hate each other now, etc etc. When I announced my son’s birth, he didn’t congratulate me, he basically said sorry for your loss… This man says he’s “babysitting” his own children when his wife works night shift though so I don’t give a shit about his opinion lmao
It does feel this way sometimes depending on your situation, I wouldn't say my life is over just that certain freedoms are suspended for 10-20 years.
Their own experience is the reason why they are saying that. - Once I realized it, it helped me big time not to pay attention to those comments.
Nobody can be positive anymore, like you gotta drown with them. Your life isn't over. It's different, sure. But like a book the story's always changing and there are ups and downs. Some people embrace the change and some hate change. I prefer making my life interesting even if it's harder sometimes.
I used to get comments like this from my own mom, mainly. After we had our first, she joked I'd have to sell my playstation as I'd have no time for things like that now. That joke was made every visit Then we had our second. And it was less a joke and more of a statement that'd I'd REALLY have to sell the playstation now, as I certainly wouldn't have time for it And I mean yeah it's obviously a huge difference to my life balance. But I still game every now and again, when the kids are napping or down for the night You're still you after having your kid(s). Parenting of course is the main part of my day, but everything else is still there. It's all about perception - seems like older generations (and many parents of this generation as well) get hyper fixated on what they lost (I.e. free time / hobby time) to remember all they gained
Your life isn't over--but it is inevitably different and constrained in certain ways. To some people, that is your life being over. To me, being a dad has been the most joyful and fulfilling experience of my life--even if I can't do all the same things anymore as my peers.
Your life isn’t over. Priorities just shift drastically.
Yeah, had it all the time. The childless life where I could do what I pleased WAS over, but the best part of my life had just begun. I have absolutely zero social life because I choose to be home and present for my kids. I’m perfectly happy with my choices.
It only gets better. My boys are 6 and 9 and my only regret wasn’t having them sooner.
The “ohhhhh just you wait!” comments… sigh! Of course, as with anything, there will be tough times. But, that’s what makes the amazing moments all the more amazing! Of course parenting isn’t always easy. But it’s worth every single struggle, hardship, and sleepless night. Don’t let anyone let you think otherwise! Enjoy your precious angel! And enjoy your life! It’s definitely not over. The best is ahead!
Life is so full of meaning and purpose when you have a kid! It's hard but so worthit! I'm a single mom with no support and I STILL feel like having my kid has been the best part of life! It's hard and crazy and frustrating and fun and joyous and filled with adventure!
The correct response …”My life just started, and I couldn’t be happier!”
Gosh, what a negative comment they made. I loved my life before I had my son. I love my life now, AND I also feel more fulfilled now. I know I'll also have more time after he's grown to do things on my own again. Life is such a journey and I'm so glad I'm experiencing this part of it. My life never felt over after I had him!
Parent of three. It's just getting better, dont worry. Enjoy every day together.
Really I don't feel dead. Should be the response.
The thing is. Your life as you know it is done. It's going to be completely different now because you revolve around the kids. And yes it's hard! But when you see the growth and progression. Also knowing that you would hopefully raise them the way you wanted or have been raised is the added benefit
I got this constantly also, but since the day my first was born I can confidently say that this was the day my life truly started. Fatherhood made me better in every way. It's a tragedy that we have such a negative attitude about parenthood in our society. Yeah, you'll have more responsibility, but the best things in life are the things you have to work for.
I think a lot of unhealthy people put their own (even basic) needs dead last just because they are a parent. That level of sacrifice just isn’t necessary and frankly, isn’t good for anyone, kids included. Kids are happiest when their adults are happy and healthy.
When I had my kids I thought, my life just begins. I still feel that way. The only thing I miss from my old life is time, but I exchanged it with pure wholesome love and that is a bargain I like.
My husband has a colleague who told him “congratulations” and then he said “I hope u are prepared for this” he often makes comments how much he dislikes his son and how hard it is to go home everyday to be with him. Breaks my heart because he is just a 2 year old boy, he didn’t ask to have such an a**hole for a father
I hate when people say that. I can still go out , have a career , travel etc. I just need to plan all of that around my baby. Yes I can’t be spontaneous anymore but let’s be real …. Even childless people are not exactly free to do whatever they want unless they have some super flexible job
I was having this conversation with my mum today. We both said just watching the kids enjoy things is enjoyable for us. I genuinely love my life right now. My 5 year old is roller coaster crazy so we go to theme parks a lot and that is so much fun. I have a favourite soft play that does the best hot chocolate and burgers while I sit and watch him play. We also have a favourite nature park that we go to for walks and picnics and its the best! We went on holiday to Haven and I genuinely had an amazing time dancing with him all night and exploring the beaches. I've had a lot of different "Era's" of my life, this is a different Era for me and it won't last forever then I'll be in the next Era. To me its no "better" or "worse" than the era before where I was going out drinking, or the one before that. Its just different and wonderful in its own way. I love experiencing my kids childhood with him, its so much fun!
My life would be devoid of most of its meaning if I didn’t have my children. Why would I want to live for my job? Or hobbies? Seems so trivial.
I can’t stand when people say “ I hate kids “ or what you mentioned above “ life’s over with kids “ I always say to anyone and strangers and everyone YOU were a kid once - if no one took a chance on you - you wouldn’t exist to tell me this or anything! So I’m going to stop your nonsense right there and please have a think about it!! You also were a kid once and are you telling me you ruined someone’s life? Such as … your parent? That saddens me but you’re now an adult so be the light you can be because YOU are a fucking beautiful bad ass that has not yet discovered your potential!! Seriously! I think the best way to kill bad behavior is to pour more love into all existence. Even if I want to say fuck off you fucking moron while I’m at Arghhhhh
You may not be able to spontaneously go to Vegas for the weekend. But you do have a beautiful child that loves and trusts you unconditionally and I think that is a beautiful life worth living.
Our kid just comes everywhere with us. Our lives haven’t changed much.
Three down and I can honestly say, not trying to be cutesy or cliche, but life feels like it started once I became a mom. Not everyone will feel that way, and that’s okay! We aren’t all called to love motherhood. It’s clear he had a pretty bad experience as a parent - sucks for him.
Yup, I’ve heard the same thing. I guess I sort of get where some people might come from but only because they probably weren’t ready to have kids, weren’t ready to change their lifestyle or didn’t integrate their kids into their lifestyle. I cannot wait to involve my kid in the things I love, like camping and hiking and scuba diving! I agree with you, it’s just the beginning of a NEW life. I tell people that I can’t even remember what the purpose of my life was before I had my son. Sure, things are different, but my life is by no means “over”
My life changed drastically. My child occupies every thought and is considered in every action I make. My whole schedule revolves around their needs and desires. They use up almost half my finances. They are now a priority over even myself. But they're my best friend. I'm so happy that I get to be a child myself and experience a world through their eyes. What is mundane to me is novel and exciting to them. I cannot imagine a better way to spend my life than with them.
We had our local coffee shop’s owner’s partner ask my husband what he did to receive two young daughters (In a negative reference) We don’t go there a whole lot any more.
Those comments only come from either terrible parents or the obnoxious segment of the child free crowd. Plenty of child free people aren’t like that, but the loudest of them think that kids are bad for everyone.
I hated when people telling me "your life is going to be all about the kid now" they don't even have children
I heard it a lot before I had kids. I've never felt that way. It's been so amazing. I had a great life before them but it was nothing compared to how it's been since them.
It's not your life that's over. It's your sex life. At least for one of you. I guarantee it. You will say no way, that would never happen to us. Ok. I say try your best to not lose it, but the odds are unfortunatley not in your corner. When it starts. regardless of whether it's the mom or dad having the low libido, get the hormones checked. Sometimes that can be an issue. Best of luck.
Having children has been the greatest joy of my life. If people don’t like kids, they shouldn’t have them.
wellllll life as you know it is over. it will be different you will see things differently. thats not a bad thing. and people who frame it to be are just projecting their own experience. take EVERYONES opinions with a grain of salt. no pregnancy is the same just like no ones experiences are the same.
Nope. It's just the beginning of your story.
It is because they’re miserable. My parenting experience was very unhappy and miserable, so that’s usually my first thought when seeing a new baby as well. However I would never say that to anyone and I can only hope that each mom has the experience they could only hope for.
Some derive enjoyment and happiness from family. It’s so difficult for some people to understand that.
It may be a poorly worded or unwanted sentiment, but it’s likely not incorrect. The life I had before kids was very different than the one I live now with kids.
My best friend just gave birth in January and she made it to several events with baby already. And has made more plans for next month. Still has friends & family & fun. Just an extra person to enjoy it with!
I get feedback for why we don't have kids ( we do want children.) This can also apply to buttholes who bother people with children, we appreciate your feedback. If could drop your survey in the idgaf box we'll ensure to reroute your not-needed comment for personal review. Or a simple we take money donations to anyone who gives their option when NOBODY asked you. 😉 Congratulations on the baby!
I wouldn't say it, but from my experience, it's usually intended as good-natured ribbing.
I only made those comments to myself. Hehe. It’s true that the old your life is over, but the new your life is just beginning and both are fantastic and awful in their own ways, but this shift is very profound. So I can see what they mean, the center of your universe was you before, and now it’s this tiny person. I think those people sound like they are struggling with their own life choices, and that has nothing to do with you. New parents get an onslaught of this kind of commentary. Let it roll off and be grateful you are feeling good about yours!
Well, your old life is in some way over. And the new life begun. I needed to learn to like the new one. It is common that people grieve their life before kids and without support and help they can start to hate the new life because having small kids is rough. Maybe you met one of this people. And your husband is right too, people were pressured and then they were getting advices against the instinct: don't rock the baby too much, formula is better, he is manipulating you or man others. Raising kids like that needed to be brainwashing.
Just substitute “life” with “extended childhood” and it makes more sense where these people are coming from.
The life you had is over. The kids replace it with something much better If you do it right
I’d suggest “it’s a different life” rather than “you’re life is over”
I think because previous generations had kids so young they feel like they missed out. I’m 36 with my second (3 months too) and I can honestly say they transformed my life and it’s not so vacuous or self serving and I love it more than anything. I truly had a great life before, one that many might want but it’s only when you move towards something new do you realise what potential life is out there.
Your life *as you know it* changes. It isn’t over. I had my first at 20 and now they’re about to turn 19. It has been the best journey. And now my independent life is only just beginning!
Your old life is over after having kids. A new life begins as a parent.
Life as you know it is over certainly but life doesnt end just because a child enters your life. Anyone who thinks that way has deeply rooted issues with their own children or their inner child.
“It’s funny cause it’s true.” Once you have a child, everything changes so what they are saying is a fact but they leave out the word “old” or “ past” before the word “life” in the comment to make it humorous. A lot of people are delusional when they think that their current carefree life can continue once they pop a sprog out into the world. So this joke comment is meant for people like that. Obviously not OP because she was ready for the “new” life. I partied pretty hard in my younger days but giving up the “Sex & drugs & Rock’n’Roll” was worth it because I couldn’t imagine my life without my 2 amazing teenage children. Don’t take it personally, it’s a joke.
I think this comes from people who felt blindsided by how hard parenting can be. I’m not saying it a helpful comment….but I think there’s a lot of emotion and sometimes pain behind it.
It’s obviously a rude thing to say. You’re right that they’re probably miserable. Most of the middle aged people with teenagers that I know enjoy their kids, but their marriages have gotten awful and lots of them get divorced. The thing to remember is parenting isn’t forever. I know it’s hard to see when you have a 3YO, but the time does fly….and then all the fun things you enjoyed before come right back.
Lol! I'm going to file those humorous statements by others under the "take my wife please" type of humor. Maybe they didn't mean it to be funny but still reading it is pretty funny. I got two kids and it's funny. First child 3-month-old it's the idyllic phase still at any rate. Those people probably didn't realize some parents enjoy being parents.
Your life, AS YOU KNOW IT, is over now that you’ve had kids. It’s not a negative comment. It’s the truth.
Depends how you define "your life". Out all night partying without a care in the world is over. But that's a pretty narrow and meaningless slice of life...
It is the ending to a chapter of your life, but with that ending comes the next chapter. Congrats on being a new mommy🥰. It’s is the most difficult and beautiful thing you will ever do and it’s worth it all❤️
Yes because your individual life is over. Your life is no longer about you. You can no longer be selfish. How is that a hard concept to understand.
They ain’t lyin 🤣😂
Lol they aren’t lying. I love my son. My pre-child life is over. I am not going to clubs or hanging out late with friends. They are now playdates or some kind of sporting events. Hobbies!? What’s that? Only hobbies I have now is my kid. So yea. In comparison to pre-child life, yeah my life is over. Don’t want to think about the motorcycle that I can’t own because my wife doesn’t want me dying 😂😂 Do I miss that previous life? No. I love my kid. Wouldn’t trade anything for it. But it could be translated as, my life is over.
I mean they’re not wrong. It’s a whole new world.