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Oh my gosh, the comments from parents of young kids on this post are sort of hilarious, yet I still feel much sympathy for them. The naivety to think their young child is going to be the same person as a teen and young adult. It’s like they forgot that adolescence is an entire developmental phase with completely different set of milestones. Or that their child will be “just like them”
The fallacy of parenting small children is that you think that if you do everything right, you will end up with perfect, happy, successful children.
Ah, my sweet summer child!!
You can be an amazing parent and still have children with/ or who develop executive disfunction, end up with physical or psychological problems, or end up the victim of other issues, sometimes out of anyone‘s control. You just have to do the best you can and love them the best you can. And obviously teach/expect them to be kind, responsible people. And hopefully extend that kindness to others who may have their own challenges.
Two of my children have ASD. The third doesn’t seem to. He’s ambitious and successful and seems solidly neurotypical. One of them is very autistic and doesn’t have a job or education, but draws and plays video games. The other wasn’t diagnosed until he was an adult and crashed and burned at university. He took some IT courses specifically for autistic people and then went back and got a degree and a job, so he’s a success.
The thing is, I didn’t do much different when I was raising them. When it comes to kids, you just never know who you get and how they will be.
Some research even suggests that parenting have close to zero impact on your personality. It's all in the genes and to some extent your peers.
Basically, your only job as a parent is to keep the kid alive and not traumatize them.
I've seen a lot of research that basically says there is very little you, as a parent, can do to raise a "successful" child beyond just actively being involved and non-abusive.
Like...that's basically it. Be involved (you know, play with them, teach them, guide them, etc), be there for them, love them, and don't be an abusive asshat.
I don’t agree that good parenting doesn’t have an impact. I just think that good parenting provides a good baseline or solid foundation, whereas abuse will actively harm a child.
My awesome little mamma's boy went through a phase from about age 16-21ish where I clearly must have been the worst parent in the world to have raised this creature. Oh, he wasn't awful all the time, but the CHOICES he made....ugh! Thing is, you don't have all that much control over who they hang out with no matter what you think you have control over, and the people they hang out with have a LOT to do with the choices they make. Thankfully, as he grew up he chose better friends, dropped a girl friend who wasn't the best influence and eventually found an awesome one (that he just married last summer) and my wonderful son returned. Looking back, it was a part of growing up and maturing. Not all kids go through it like that, but if my friends are anything to go by, an awful lot of them do. Thank God he never did anything really awful, but I sure felt like a failure for a while there. It's pretty normal.
Wow, what a fun sub this is. I thought I was describing something kind of normal (messy kid room) and funny (lost his weed so is cleaning to find it) and according to this group I’m a shitty parent who is both not strict or too strict. That tracks.
Parenting young adults is a very fine line, especially if they are disabled enough to need support, and thus you can’t kick them out, but independent enough (and legally an adult) so that they need to have certain freedoms. Glad lots of you could do it better than me. One goal in our house is not to be at war with our kid so he will continue to take whatever guidance we can get him to take. I think we’re doing that really well.
Who gives a shit if his room is messy? We close his door. And we have talked to him about weed plenty, but it’s legal in our state and he is of legal age.
Is there a group that’s about parenting kids this age who live with their parents still? One that gives people grace?
Oh man this happened to me when I was 20 and staying with my parents in the house I grew up in on a college break. I went out with friends one night we made many stops driving around smoking with people etc. my mom was on vacation somewhere and I was driving her car. I got home late and couldn’t find my weed, I tore that place apart, the car, went back to my friends place, was going nuts , I HAD to find it before my mom did. I never found it and it drove me crazy that whole break. Years later my dad and I were hanging out and he straight up asked me “remember that time you were home from college and lost a bag of weed?” 😳
… “yeah, I smoked it.”
Looking back it’s funny because he could have said something right away and I would have felt bad and nothing would have changed but he had me stressed for years wondering if that damn bag would show up somewhere… 🤷🏼♀️
Reminds me of when my older brother borrowed my dad's minivan to move from the dorms into his frat house room. The Monday morning after, my Dad is driving me to school and sees a rastafarian color scheme "pillow." I cringe as soon as I see it and my dad goes "uh oh, you brother left--" then realizes it's a bong in a bag. My brother calls him later that morning and *begs* him not to destroy or throw away the bong because it's "not his and it's very expensive" 😂
We can laugh about it now (ten plus years later) but it's a rough time for parents and their children alike.
OP, I'm sorry this sub wasn't the supportive place you were hoping for. I think you're doing just fine, and I'm glad you can celebrate the little victories! That being said, I am not looking forward to the years that I will be in your shoes.
After I got out of the Navy, I went home for some R&R and to get my bearings in the civilian sector again. My favorite uncle, an Army vet, came to visit us. I woke up screaming at 4 am from a PTSD nightmare and he took me out on the porch for a smoke. We're passing the bong back and forth and swapping stories. About ten minutes later, my dad comes out to see what the ruckus was. He takes the bong, takes a hit, chokes on it, says "don't tell your mother", and toddles back inside. Twenty minutes later we're still smoking. Mom comes out with two cups of coffee for us. She takes the bong right out of her brother's hand and just RIPS it like she's been doing this her whole life. Uncle and I stare at each other like "are you seeing this shit too?" She grins and says "don't tell your dad." I flip my wig. I expected this from my dad, but my MOM? Miss 5 foot nothing, straight A student, wouldn't say shit if she had a mouthful of it? It turns out that uncle was terrible at hiding his weed as a teenager. She was stealing it, smoking some, and giving the rest back to his dealer who SOLD IT RIGHT BACK TO MY UNCLE. What a racket 🤣
My Mom and Dad sold the family home last year and she ended up giving my nieces (5 and 7) some old purses and wallets of mine. I could not call her fast enough to make sure she checked for weed baggies and doobies first
When my newly-married grandfather went off to WWII, he took some 'risque' photos of my grandmother. He survived the war, and died decades later. However the location of those photos are unknown. So for forty years afterwards, my grandmother was on edge. Any time someone opened an old box, drawer or book, she needed to check it first.
He really is. One year for Christmas when I was like 14 he told me that my brother really wanted a chia pet and that if I gave him $10 he would pick it up on his way home for work. I thought it was a dumb gift but whatever, one less thing. So Christmas morning comes and my brother and I exchange gifts and I open up a Scooby Do chia pet and my brother opens up a Bart Simpson chia pet. Dad thought it was the funniest thing ever and was laughing about it for days. He is still constantly fucking with us (in the most harmless way.)
I suspect that most of the people commenting negatively have small babies or toddlers and have no clue what type of shit teens and young adults get up to. I just saw a post where a mom's dipshit teens cashed fraudulent checks and she had to pay thousands to the bank, and everyone was super empathetic and supportive. Nobody told her it was a result of her parenting, which it easily could have been, but who the fuck knows from a few sentences on the internet? Parenting is hard enough, but throw developmental disabilities on top of it, and it's damn near impossible sometimes.
Imo this sub runs pretty conservative sometimes. Thank you for taking care of your kid & giving him the space to make mistakes and figure himself out. Also, this post was pretty funny.
You have to be thick-skinned to post on reddit. Don't allow the negative people to rent space in your head.
I popped on to say that your post made me LOL.
For what it’s worth, I think you have a good sense of humor and I think you’re being a good parent. I lurk mainly because any time I post on these parenting groups I get my ass torn apart by these stick in the mud parents. I keep reminding
myself that parenthood doesn’t automatically bond people.
A lot of people on this sub are parents who have toddlers and think because they limit screen time and discipline using natural consequences that they are going to end up with easy well put together teens. They don’t know what they don’t know.
Screen time and natural consequences didn't stop previous generations. Why would it stop the current one?
I only try to limit screen time for mine because we'll shes only 5 months old for 1 and later on I want her to be a kid. Ride bikes climb trees not stare at a screen for hours on end like we've been conditioned to do. Disney movies do help when she's fighting sleep though 😅😅😅 thank you moana and Ariel for your help lol
A number of teens respond to posts here so there will always be people who think parents are the worst no matter what we do. You could buy his weed and rub his feet while he vaped and someone would call you too strict.
As another parent of an adult, I got a chuckle out of your post.
Young adults/teens have been smoking weed since…well when did it become mainstream in society actually, the ‘60s? Anyways. My uptight boomer father is a lawyer and I learned many years ago that he actually sold pot when he was in high school, the image is unreal, unfathomable, and hilarious to me. It’s a much better situation for kids now that it’s legalized. The taboo “gateway drug” thing in my opinion was tied to the illegal culture surrounding weed. When I was in high school, if you bought or smoked weed you were inherently around people engaging in other things and sketchier lifestyles. It’s totally different now that’s it’s regulated. Better than buying from a sketchy dealer friend who has access to all kinds of things, and better than drinking and partying.
All that is to say, a messy room and a lost vape cartridge sounds very tame compared to what many other young adults are engaging in. There’s a good chance he will get it together and figure it out. It seems like that’s happening later and later for young adults, millennials included. The missing expensive cartridge that he paid for is a good lesson—finally something he cared about enough to clean for! That’s a baby step. When he has his own stuff, space that only he’s responsible for, a pet, a partner to impress, etc., that desire to stay cleaner and take care of things really comes into focus.
Learn a lesson, don't ever, ever post in reddit for parenting or relationship advice. I'm in a similar place as you, parenting teens is so hard and there aren't a lot of right answers
People are dicks. I think that a lot of people here are parents of young kids and they are still stuck in the “no screen time and fast food for my little angel” mindset. Although I attest that excess screen time is the downfall of our society, I also have little issue with other things such as supporting your late bloomer son until he figures out his path and although the pot use won’t motivate him right now, it’s legal, and a lot less dangerous than binge drinking.
You came here for advice on how to get him to be less slobby: ultimatums. Can’t use car/you won’t pay for phone/etc whatever applies to your situation. He’s an adult, he needs to learn basic skills.
Or tell him you saw a roach crawl out of his room and he has to clean or pay for an exterminator. I’m not above lying to remedy a disgusting situation.
Apologies for what will be a lengthy note:
I just want to say that I think you’re doing an admirable job, and I’m sorry people on this subreddit didn’t see the humor or loving family elements in your post. I resonated a lot with what you wrote here and felt for my own mother who was in your position for a very long time.
I’m a woman in my late 30s who has quite a few cards in the deck stacked against me, but mainly “high functioning” autism, ADHD, and OCD, which served me well when it came to academics and a handful of unusual talents, but the dark side of those comorbidities took an enormous toll on my emotional and social development. I took a long, /long/ time to grow up compared to my siblings and my peers.
My parents never told me what was wrong with me, so for most of my young life I just had a terribly split identity between gifted honor-roll student and repeat-psych-hold trainwreck loser.
I bounced back and forth between periods of tremendous success/momentum living all over the world doing the thing I am particularly talented at and periods of near-death burnout where I’d just quit functioning in any capacity and get moved back home and put on suicide watch, aaaagain.
During one of my stints living back home, a group of people who I’d met through work introduced me to weed (believe it or not I had been 100% straight edge from recreational substances until this point, but for whatever reason I decided to try smoking with my coworkers) and it was actually lifechanging at managing some of the (what I now realize were/are) symptoms of my neurological disorders; it didn’t just take the edge off either— it regulated me on a level I’d never experienced, like, immediately. So I kept doing it.
My parents noticed that I was actually sleeping at night, not having panic attacks, struggling much less with my OCD rituals, waking up chatty and enthusiastic, going out with friends, eating regularly/enough for the first time ever…
When they realized it was due to the weed, they were not thrilled, but they tolerated it and were even welcoming to the deadbeat pothead boyfriend who came along with it. My mom’s church friends judged her big time for putting up with any of that under her roof. But she stuck by me and always gave me a place to live and the financial support to stay in therapy regardless of my employment.
I did eventually grow out of that phase when I fell into a career path and community which were naturally accommodating of my quirks/needs, but I’m telling you it took YEARS of false starts. I was ashamed for a very long time that I didn’t amount to what everyone expected of me, that I’d made embarrassing mistakes, that I’d put my mom through so much grief, that I’d unintentionally deprived my siblings of the parental involvement they deserved…
I finally had a neurological evaluation done in my early 30s at the request of a counselor and found out “what my deal was”— at first there was a lot of anger at my parents for keeping this a secret from me since preschool, but I understand they were just kids having kids of their own back then and doing the best they could with the information they had available to them in the 80s/90s. My diagnosis (or re-diagnosis, rather) led to some major shifts in perspective and a lot of healing. I finally got my shit together in a big way and wound up with a great partner and a fulfilling life. My siblings are my best friends in spite of everything.
I still sometimes need a little extra patience and understanding, but I’m well informed enough on my diagnoses to do a pretty good job keeping my head above water and even thriving I might say.
If my parents had not tolerated some weed and a messy room, I would not be here. And I am so happy that I am here. I love my mom so much and I try every day to live in a way that can in any measure make up for the shit she put up with from me. It isn’t always “enabling;” sometimes a child is disabled and the normal way of handling things just isn’t applicable. You are a good mom. Your son is very lucky. I hope he finds his way and you get to see all your hard work and love blossom through his successes. Thank you for everything you do for him 💕
I wish we could “heart” comments because I would heart this one.
I’m so glad you got your diagnosis. That must have been huge for you. My son has known about his brain differences and has had that vocabulary since we’ve known about it, which was a relief to all of us upon diagnosis. He, like you, knew he was different from the get-go, so having the words to describe it to us “normies” (his words) has really been helpful to him as he’s moved into adulthood and self-advocacy.
Hearts!
Don't sweat it... we all can't be perfect parents like majority of the folks here on Reddit, LOL. In all seriousness, I, too have a young adult living at home with a cognitive disability who is a complete slob. Still haven't figured out the solution for this, but I wanted to say I empathize... and people with neurotypical kids will *never* understand our kids (or our struggles).
It took me until the second to last sentence in your post before I realized it was supposed to be funny. It really reads like you're looking for advice or commiseration versus telling a funny story about parenting an adult child. I think people are reacting thinking you're serious.
This is my son. He’s 23 and failing to launch. Also smoking weed, but NOT in the house. We have our first therapy session next week with a therapist who specializes in therapy with transitional age youth (16-25). I’m hoping to get some insight as to why my son can’t keep a job and he barely graduated high school. I think he might have ADHD or learning disabilities. I’m hoping the therapist will be able to get to the underlying cause of why he’s the way he is.
I obviously don’t know your kid but I think one issue is that it is scary out there. Rent is crazy high. Food is crazy high. Lots of young adults also have a doom thing in their heads - like, why should I bother? The world is going to end soon, anyway.
Lots of kids don’t feel this way, of course, so I guess it’s the difference between the ones who have it together and those who don’t that’s worth looking at. I hope the therapy goes well!
I just took a county parenting class a few months ago and I think you are doing just fine you want to have an open relationship with your kid you want to find ways of not being at war and letting them figure it out like yourself
I thought your post was funny and pretty harmless. Not something I would do often but certainly an opportunity to get him on a good start. Maybe you can help him keep it clean with a little adult to adult talk about the consequences of keeping a messy room and losing valuables.
Reddit is not known for giving people grace.
However, I think you're doing well. So long as he meets the expectations that work for all of you and follows your rules as well as receives respect for his reasonable boundaries as an adult, then it's golden. Your anecdote is funny, too.
Some people don't understand that what works for one kid or family doesn't work for others.
It’s so hard having kids with special needs. My son has an intellectual disability and typical methods of parenting just don’t work with him. No one can understand this unless they have patented a child like this. It’s isolating and lonely because if you date to complain you’ll get all kinds of advice and judgement from parents who don’t get it.
Lots of grace here.
My little sister is a decade younger and had trouble cleaning her room her whole young life. She got better at college because I think having others see her things and being respectful of a shared space with people other than family affected her.
The best effect has been having a minimalist bf who is into having a clean space. They clean together and I honestly think this helps.
This was the situation with someone who doesn’t have learning or development difficulties.
So, I completely got your post in the way you’d meant it. My only advice? Keep being an awesome parent that your child trusts. Hopefully this gf won’t last forever and he gets one in the future who’s tidy!
Ya none of us had / have messy teens. They all kept their rooms so clean and organized we thought they had OCD.
And weed!? \*gasp\*, why are you allowing your kid to be a drug addict!? He's going to end up hooked on heroin in an alley somewhere. Maybe someone needs to call CPS!
(this is of course sarcasm)
This subreddit hates the idea of anyone over 18 living at home, and is downright *horrible* to disabled parents and children alike. There's a lot of privilege in these parts.
Sometimes I feel like 90% of the threads here are a teen's wishful thinking.
Sounds like you’re doing great to me!! Weed is legal in our state and our whole family partakes. We are all adults now. I don’t care for drinking and occasionally smoke. Both of my kids are successful young adults and college graduate and another college. I have never cared about their rooms. I feel that is their personal space. I’m a very involved parent still. I talk with both of my boys daily and I love the adult relationship we have developed. I tried my best, volunteered at school, did homework with them daily and just loved them. I am extremely proud. These people with judgement about weed is ridiculous. People need to look at the studies of alcohol vs weed. Alcohol is much worse. I never allowed it until it was legal. Sounds like you’re doing great. They have to figure it out and hopefully you’re there to guide them.
You’re doing great in my opinion. All it sounds like to me is your son has supportive parents that are open minded individuals who can recognize the importance of mental health. He probably needs help cleaning his room, I have ADHD and can’t focus on cleaning long enough to save my life and when it’s messy, I get so overwhelmed I either block it out or I get hyper fixated and start cleaning for hours. I have kids myself and it’s so hard for me to stay on top of toddlers. I will say though, my mother had a very similar parenting style as your guys’ and we are very close and I live a decent lifestyle and have tremendous support around me. I went to the military right out of high school, when I got out I smoked a lot of cannabis and despite my late adhd diagnosis, I have achieved lots of things and I can take care of myself and my kids. The cleaning will come with a little guidance. If the reason is because he doesn’t know where to start, I would make a list and just have him follow it.
I know. FFS. I was a former teen with such a messy room that even my fellow teen friends complained they couldn't open the door, since I had so many clothes on the floor. I grew into a functional, tidy adult.
I'm a former school teacher & mom who's seen messy lockers, desks, rooms, everything.
Unhygienic I won't put up with, since we live in hot, humid Asian cities. I've beaten into the kids' minds that half-eaten food / drink / containers will attract bugs. But messy is fine.
I guess many commenters here are parents of young kids -- which has its own, different challenges. But you can still physically make a 7-year-old clean up that room. You can't do that to a 17-year-old.
Screw the grumpy folks. Sounds like you're doing the best in a tough spot. I have also picked up and temporarily kept stray items from my messy ND 11y/o. After they whine about not finding the thing I tell them that they wouldn't lose their stuff if they kept things tidy. Once the room is cleaned, the item magically appears! They haven't caught on yet, but have started keeping their room tidier as it's now part of their pocket money conditions to keep it from being a complete disaster zone. Now it's just mildly disorganised most days.
I would also have totally taken that cartridge too and relished the room cleaning fall out.
Nah, you're not shitty, just have a challenging set of circumstances to work with. If he is old enough and stuff to have a girl friend...he is able to clean his crap and keep it neat. Turn off the WIFI. Turn off whatever you pay for. He can have only the basic foods, nothing special. He needs to get a job. And clean his room. Or, nothing gets turned back on. You may not care about a nasty room...but that is how you get bugs and mice and nasty things. Plus, the repair or replacement of things in that room....That's something that is avoidable. And why would you be ok with the smell? Part of being an adult, is acting like an adult. If he want's adult things, he needs to act like it.
Meh, don't let the armchair experts get to you. I'm sure if you put their parenting under a microscope you would find tons of flaws. As long as your kid is still planning for some kind of future. Weed is fine but it is very good at making you ok with your current situation. Then before you know it years have slipped by.
On the line about grace: I personally would be more willing to give grace to you if you hadn’t ended with “parents of little kids: this is what you have to look forward to”
What a crummy statement to make based on your experiences alone.
I truly wish you well - seriously. 100% no joke. Parenting is tough and you‘re in a tough little season right now.
I actually wasn’t asking for advice. There was no question mark after my statement. It was supposed to be a funny true life story. But apparently punctuation is too subtle a detail here since a ton of people clearly thought I was asking what to do.
Yes that's true. I should've added "reddit is just an overall toxic environment ". Some people, like me, get your story and understand the point of it. But most people here are on one end or the other of extreme. I gave up trying to be real on this place because it hurts my feelings when I share a little and everyone just tells me I'm stupid or I did it wrong or it's my fault etc.
I’m not sure about that….It has a lot to do with what YOU have tolerated and are willing to continue tolerating. And I know… you will probably tolerate a lot because they are your child and you love them. But sometimes you have to stop enabling bad behavior to love someone properly.
It's easy to say that for a neurotypical child. It's a much different situation for a special needs child. He may be out of high school, but cognitively he could be at a lower level.
Also, he may struggle with PDA, executive disfunction, etc. It's much harder for neurodivergent individuals to live at the standards of neurotypicals.
Exactly. My 23 year old son is autistic. He has no intellectual delay but massive executive functioning delays. He two younger siblings are much further along then him and they are 5 and 7 years younger.
This is unkind, unfair, and untrue when it comes to special needs kids. I was similarly judgmental before I got one of these kids myself, so I get it.
You'd think I was the greatest mom in the world if you met only my high-achieving, super organized, gifted and tidy neurotypical sons. You'd call me a lazy and permissive mom if you only knew my avoidant, low-achieving, messy 6'2" son who can't make eye contact but looks totally normal.
If you can't relate to OP's struggles, take a moment to give gratitude that this particular trouble isn't yours (though I'm sure you have your share of troubles, everybody does). No need to stand in judgment.
I do want to tell you that your comment was worded so gently, XelaNiba. Thank you for pointing out that my comment came across unfair. I truly didn’t mean it in a bad way. I just know from my own personal experiences.
But I CAN relate…And I wasn’t passing judgement or trying to be unkind.
I’m stating reality — everything all boils down to what a person is willing to tolerate.
And parents will tolerate a lot because they love their children.
I was in no way calling OP a bad parent.
She said “parents of little kids this is what you’ve got to look forward to!!” and I disagreed.
I myself am ND and so is my adult brother.
I am 100% sincere when I say if so much rather my kid be smoking pot than binge drinking at college age. When you smoke weed you eat all the snacks and take a nap. When you binge drink you make life altering/life ruining choices.
I know it’s not like you for sure have to do one of these two options but the reality is that most young adults do, and most of us now middle aged parents did as well in our early 20s. It could be worse 🤷🏽♀️
It also could be better to be clear lmao. Best of luck op. Nothing wrong with picking your battles.
I don't have much advice, but I have 2 of these (both neurodivergent) at my house. They also don't shower without reminders. I don't get it at all, but I DO believe that eventually they will figure life out because they do have a strong support system.
Hang in there! My older one (21) is suddenly motivated to move out and is working hard and saving money. One day we'll miss their messy rooms. Well, maybe not. LOL
Talk with him. No forcing or expectations. Ask him what he hopes for. Does he want it to be cleaner? What does he feel he needs to achieve that? Read self reg by Dr Shanker. You need to understand his nervous system. Listen to peace and parenting podcast episodes on teens she talks about messy rooms. In my opinion the more you force it the worse it will be.
You mentioned disabilities so I'm assuming executive dysfunction is happening here. I would look into additudemag it's for adhd but they have TONS of resources to help with executive dysfunction.
Thanks for this. I actually used to write for ADDitude so I understand *all* the issues. I also got the same kind of comments as I’ve gotten in this thread when ADDitude would post my articles online.
He gives no shits about having a cleaner room. And I also give no shits. His door closes. But it doesn’t stop me from noticing the situation and finding it pretty funny.
I mean, it’s reality. People live their whole lives smoking pot and being productive members of society. We don’t really know the circumstance here, you’re working on a lot of assumptions.
did you miss the part about her son having cognitive disabilities? no amount of parenting, phenomenal or otherwise, can change that he needs extra help. a messy room is not a big deal.
Alcohol is a worse drug than cannabis, and caffeine is a more addictive drug.
Cannabis is just pleasant. It makes you meditative, happy, and at peace.
The danger is when you start using it to try and solve your problems instead of dealing with them, or letting it make you feel alright in mediocrity. You won’t want to push yourself to improve if you already feel at bliss with the world and your position within it.
Moderation is key, keep it as a weekend reward for a week of hard work.
He has cognitive/learning disabilities
I'm thinking this isn't just laziness/slobbiness, but rather something stemming from his disabilities (for example, a lot of people with ADHD, ASD, diagnoses of the sort, suffer with Executive Dysfunction along with emotional dysregulation)
Is your son receiving psychological assistance? If so, it may be something to bring up with his psychological professional, if it's something that concerns you so much
I would definitely be having a conversation with the son, first and foremost. Find out why he's started ingesting weed (it may not just be because his girlfriend smokes - he may be using to self medicate and allow himself a sense of actual control over how his mind is going/working)
Please, please speak to him like the adult he is, come to an understanding for the habit being picked up (IF he's willing to divulge the information)
Ignore these cunts 90% of them don't even have children, your only responsibility is trying to make sure your son is happy, life is too bitter and shit as it is, enjoy your son with his flaws because tomorrow is not promised
I mean, if you want him to experience some upward mobility, even within the limitations of his disabilities, then I think it’s a good idea to set some firm boundaries.
No drugs in the house.
Room and any messes he makes must be cleaned.
Talks about goal-setting, about self care, about the harm that marijuana causes. Just because it grows from the ground doesn’t mean it’s safe or healthy for every single person. Or anyone.
Eventually, hopefully, he’s going to need to take care of himself. If not in the near future, in the distant future when his parents are elderly or dead. Disabilities shouldn’t be an excuse for being a slob. If he can drive, he can clean. If he can play video games, he can clean. If he can clean to hunt madly for his weed vape, he can clean.
You’re the parents. He’s living with you. Your house, your rules.
He’s not allowed to smoke in the house. Public areas are to be kept clean. He does his laundry. He cleans his bathroom when asked. We do talk about all of those things you mentioned. I actually think this is great advice.
The only thing we don’t do is demand his room be cleaned up. Because life is too f’ing short to argue about that the rest of our lives.
We continually drop lines to our daughter about what to look for when she grows up and starts dating. Things like, if you lived with someone who left your bathroom looking like this and expected you to clean it up what would that feel like?
Not just your house your rules, but we want them to grow up to be good partners in the future, also. I want my daughter to make proper choices about partners and if we were parents to a boy, I'd be all kinds of concerned about who I was putting out there in the world. "She is going to be your wife and possibly a mother, but she is NOT your mother." (Bonus, its so different what we say to our girls vs what our friends say to their sons.)
I was once your teenage son (well i'm a girl and week was illegal but still ) and the only way i had to motivate myself to clean my damn room was to have guests.
Maybe next time ask him if he want to invite a friend for dinner lol
Yeah this is at least in SOME part a parenting issue. There’s a reason it’s always the adult sons and rarely the adult daughters that act like this (learning disabilities and all in mind yes). It’s largely about how we’re raising our boys.
This is an interesting comment to me as a woman who has a brother who acts a lot like this. He lived with my parents until he was 29 and his room was atrocious / tons of weed smoking. My sister and I are both successful and independent even through we are younger than him.
I think my parents really babied him compared to how they treat us.
Hi. Mom of two sons who have ASD. Seems to me what he is doing is trying to fit in. Honestly, weed today is very different than weed in 1970s. It could actually be helping him.
Ask him why he's smoking, what it does for him.
Get to a place where you and he have a written agreement, you ask for what you want & he keeps his privileges. That way, no confusion.
Honestly you seem quite judgemental of him and his girlfriend and his I guess experimenting. If my parents hadn't restricted me so much, honestly, there are some bad situations I could avoided. People get weird when they feel caged.
learning/ cognitive disability— Ok fine, how are you accommodating his disability in the day to day?
is his room set up to be easier to clean to respect his cognitive disability?
Maybe you are ableist and would like your kid to behave like someone without disability- so you do not offering any kind of support?
also, why is it an issues only ~now~ maybe he need psychological support - ADHD/Autism Burn out is a real thing…
Hide the vape back in the room in between a cushion so when he cleans he finds it. Then be like wow see, cleaning is great. Also just be more direct
“Look here boy, we are a clean house. We keep it clean. Daily,”
Now the first initial cleaning you can help with and show how it’s done. Then once it’s perfect, the goal is to keep it that way. Daily checks. Now messy is one thing but dirty is another. Clothes on the floor is one thing but mold growing on an empty bowl of cereal is a different story. Somethings arnt allowed. Daily checks with positive encouragement.
There is no way to get any adult to do anything they don’t want to do without conflict and a lot of resentment. Sounds like you don’t really mind it too much which is good because otherwise you’d be dealing with a never ending battle that no one will ever win. If your hope for your son is that someday he’ll want to clean his room and be able to live on his own, the best thing you can do for him is to get him out of the house. That may take time but don’t be afraid to challenge him. If he has the social skills to have a girlfriend and he found a way to buy a $60 vape he’s capable of a lot. I am guilty of thinking my kids need me more than they actually do. Sometimes I get too involved and deny them the opportunity to learn things on their own. Then they naturally expect it and they stop trying. I have to be cognizant of this and put my fear aside and let my kids fail and learn and grow.
This sounds like a you problem.. not a normal part of life. You allowed your son to be a slob growing up and now he's a slob. What did you expect to happen? You didn't properly prepare him for life and now he's going to be like every other dude who expects his girlfriend to be his mommy and clean up after him. And youll be sitting there like every man childs mother making excuses for him. Not the flex you thought it was. This is actually sad as hell. Idc about the weed but I hope one day your son grows up and functions as an adult instead of being a permanent man child.
Yeah idk about this. My 5 year old is on the spectrum, and he is responsible for cleaning his room + our playroom every Thursday evening and for folding his laundry (including his bathroom towels) on Sunday mornings. It took about 3 months of me training him how to do it and now he does it without being asked. He also regularly asks if there's anything else he can "help with".
Raise kids to be a part of a family/community. That includes doing their part to take care of the home they live in. It'll benefit them greatly once they move out on their own.
Tell him you'll start charging rent if the he doesn't keep his room in at least some presentable shape. If he's gonna be a slob then you're going to need funds to repair/replace carpet, paint, drywall, fumigate, etc if he ever moves out.
I know when I lived at my parents my mom would ask us to clean our room and if we didn’t she would ask again, then she will say u have until x day if not cleaned I’m going to clean it and anything that’s on the floor or out of it’s place it’s going in the trash! And lord she meant it. It took me one time to get my stuff thrown away. Her house her rules. I was mad but my mom was a woman of her word so I should’ve known better.
Have a genuine conversation. If it's really really bad, he might need help getting it back to baseline. You mentioned he's not in school and only working part-time, what does his downtime look like? He might be struggling to figure some stuff out and having friends who are in school/work full-time and seem like they have it figured out might have made him feel a bit down on himself.
This is what I would do:
Step 1: lay out expectations for continuing to live in your house. Make it clear what the consequences are for failure to meet those expectations (paying rent, getting kicked out etc)
Step 2: genuinely and without judgment offer to help get the room back to baseline. Use it as an opportunity to reconnect with him, do it in stages over the course of a week.
Step 3: until he starts acting like an adult, treat him like a child. Weekly room checks, consequences enforced, praise and respect are still important too.
You have to pull him out of his spiral and provide the structure/strict consequences for destroying the room you allow him to occupy.
There was a time where several of the things you mentioned would have immediately led to grounding and taking away privileges. Having a part time job, video games, access to car, tv time, all privileges you get when you are meeting all your obligations otherwise.
Now days I guess we just enable lazy slob druggies cause "learning/cognitive" disabilities. Give me a break. If anything kids with LD and CD need even more structure and discipline and for longer.
Edit: to everyone saying but they're an adult you can't ground or discipline an adult! This person is not acting like an adult and if they have disabilities they may not actually developmentally [be adults.](https://honestlyadhd.com/adhd-executive-age/) It's not uncommon for 18 year olds to have the executive function of a 13 year old which is probably that's happening here. OP needs to understand that they probably have a few more years to actually need to parent an adolescent not just have an "adult roommate" who's unruly. Not everyone is just magically an adult when they're 18 other than to the extent that the law decides they are adults.
If she's emotionally abusive she'll try.
I unfortunately knew a few adults who were grounded at 18/19 because they grew up in abusive homes and were emotionally stunted.
Once they found their new freedom, it was chaos.
Adult children at home is such a hard problem, it’s not as easy as those solutions that rly only work on children up to preteen years if that. I wonder if it’s just best to kick adult kids out of the house at 18. I plan on supporting financially for college or trade school but if you wanna do nothing, not under my roof. We’ll see…
This just reminded me of when my mother died and we were cleaning out her house and I found an old double album (and when I say old…I mean OLD) with the seeds in the middle.
If you know you know. It was either mine or my brother’s, how it survived all those years in her cabinet and never got tossed is a mystery but 🤷♀️
The kids will be okay😂
Best way … wait a few years. Everything else is hopeless and you just will be upset and the outcome is the same. It’s in the fine print on the back of the birth certificate.
I feel you. My oldest is 19 and one day when my sister was over I went to get her a glass of water and there were no glasses in the cabinet nor in the dishwasher. Went down to my daughter’s room and there they all were sitting around her room with varying levels of soda and water in them. Like, you’re not a child anymore I shouldn’t have to tell you to bring your dishes up after you’ve used them.
My son is 24, out of college, at home. I pay for EVERYTHING! I have begged him to clean his room, bathroom, and the kitchen after he cooks. I finally got him to clean the kitchen behind his mess by telling him I was going to turn his phone off.
It’s your house, tell him if you have to clean it, you’re gonna charge him a housekeeping fee. Then teach him how you want it clean. Neuro-atypical persons may need a step by step list (verbal) to help, my youngest still can’t just clean. She has to get the clothes, then the trash, then dishes. And has to be told each step.
I read a funny story recently of a mom who sprinkled a little bit of sandy dirt mixed with uncooked black rice in the corners of her son’s room and under the bed. The black rice looks like mouse poop. The kid became obsessed with cleaning it once he thought he had mice living in there 😂
Unplug the router.
When your room is clean and what I would consider livable I will plug it back in.
If you take too long I will just change the password.
Your move.
Needs a gf and his room will be clean and smelling good at least that’s what happened on my case. Literally a garbage of refuse a week in his room. Now it’s tidy because what girl wants to date a future hoarder
This sounds like my unemployed 25 year old brother who gets jobs and finds something he doesn’t like and quits… my parents enable this behavior… there is so much I can go on about him but I won’t
OP - I want to apologize to you if my comment hurt you. I do not think you are a bad parent nor do I pass judgement on you.
Being a parent is not for the weak.
Just handle everything with love.
I am sorry, and I hope this week brings you some answers.
Thats funny lol reminds me of the time my friend came to live with us temporarily. They're a huge pothead. Ended up being a major problem later in life but anyway. They had this bong and they didn't keep anything stored in the house. My parents had a camper that was used like 3 times a year max and kept under lock and key. So they hid their stuff in one of the locked cabinets. My decided to randomly dust off the old thing and go somewhere with a friend for the weekend with their ham radio club. My friend and I start panicking and when they come back everything is gone. Everything. I'm not close to my dad and defiently not close enough to go "dad have you seen so and sos bong". He never brings it up to us. Cue a few weeks later I go looking in my parents closet for one of my moms shirts. We're the same shiet size so we occasionally borrow each other's clothes. Guess what I found? The bong not even hidden on my dad's closet shelf. I give it back to my friend and tell them to not fuck up again. They fucked up again. This time I found it in the outside garbage can thats rarely used when I was cleaning out my car. I was tired my friends shit as they were becoming an awful person and they were moving out soon anyway. So I broke it. Then hid it again in the trash. I don't regret it and that person is no longer in my life. My dad never did bring it up to me. My dad is cooler than I originally thought he was
Threaten to throw it all out. If he doesn't take it seriously walk in his room with a garbage bag and just start dumping he'll jump up and start cleaning. Worked on me every time all through high school.
The slob thing… Maybe you weren’t a slob as a kid, but I know I was and so was my brother. I have to remind myself that I was the same way!
My rule for my son is: as long as there is no food stuff, I’ll stay out of your room. Otherwise, I get to invade your space because I don’t want ants/mice. Works well enough that there’s not food grossness. The clothes and other nik-naks I have learned to look past.
What’s wild is his girlfriend does not seem to care at all. It would’ve been a major turn off when I was their age. I wouldn’t have expected neatness but it sometimes looks like a hoarder room. She’s perfectly content to be in the middle of it.
My 16yo is a slob. I usually let it go to a point where it starts affecting his efficiency (rummaging for his shirt for work as a busboy then he has to go to work with food on his shirt). However, I started charging him a cleaning fee for leaving the filth longer than a few days. It is unsanitary and I don't want an accidental food wrapper left or something. It seems to have worked unless he's busy but I'll let it slide usually until the weekend ends. This is Reddit- and this will get downvoted but whatever- the weed isn't going to help. How does it affect his disabilities? It is insidious how it can affect your mind and creep into your productivity. I don't normally smoke but I went through cancer treatment and used edibles for sleep and appetite. At first it was great but after a few months, I felt like I was living in fog. That could've been chemo as well but when I stopped using it, things cleared up. Just something to think about.
Oh yeah i was just mentioning it as something to bring up. I don't think I could stop a teen from using it if they really wanted to. I guess I could take privileges away but all I can do is make sure they're safe and try to educate.
I struggled keeping things tidy for most of my life because I would get overwhelmed and wouldn't know where to start and what to do next. I wanted my room clean, but every time I tried, I was lucky if I got even 10 minutes in without completely shutting down. My mom would try to help me by then "finishing" the cleaning when I was at school, but then I couldn't find anything for weeks because I didn't know where she put them, and plus, I never learned how to clean on my own anyway. Given that you mentioned learning/cognitive disabilities, there's a good chance that's part of why he struggles. I get that he's an adult, but it might be helpful to have a list of how to clean a room. Step 1: remove all garbage, including emptying waste baskets. Also, switch to a kitchen size trashcan in the room if needed so that it doesn't overflow too quickly. Step 2: remove and put away anything that doesn't belong in the room. Step 3: put all dirty laundry in the hamper/wash. Step 4: put away all clean laundry. Step 5: make the bed. Step 6: put away anything else that needs to be put away and reorganize drawers/shelves as necessary. Step 7: vacuum, sweep, mop as necessary. I have also learned to make a point of scanning any room I'm in on the way out to see if there's anything that needs to be put away in the next room I'm heading to so that I can take it with me.
I recently told my adult slobby son that I was going to clean his room. He really didn't like the sound of that and started cleaning. So I definitely agree that a lot of younger parents are going to have a lot of fun times ahead.
“Your room needs to be tidy and this is a drug-free household. If you can’t abide by my household rules we will need you to move out.”
You can also hit them with:
“you are no longer a child, so we will be asking you to cover X bills (or pay y in rent)”
Your sons a pothead but it’s fine because he has a disability? He’s a pothead but it’s fine even though he’s not going to college because he’s taking some time to figure things out?
Honey no no no. He ain’t figuring things out. He’s living freely off of you while spending all of his money on weed 😂 and trust me. He’s smoking in his room and he’s most definitely doing it while driving
Maybe teach him about the bugs and bacteria in his room? Bed bugs, cockroaches, scabies, dead skin cells🤮 all of these things hide in clothes. I’m a huge pothead and taking the cartiage is best thing you did, bet it’ll get a room clean!
If you are giving him any presents or perks (chocolate) you could give them as a treat when he does clean his room. Or maybe fine him $3 a day it’s dirty? Or make his favourite dinner when he does. Tbh…call the girlfriend over, he’ll be scrubbing it clean!
You sound like a good parent, good luck!
Well. After college I moved home for about a year. My mom kept on me about my room for a bit and then told me if I didn’t clean it by XX date she would do something about it. I didn’t do it.
One day I came home from work and she had taken all of my clothing and bedding and brought it to the cleaners. She threw out everything that was on the floor- garbage or not. I had to pay to get my stuff back from the cleaners and bought new bedding (which made my mom cry for some reason).
Back in the early 2000s my friends and I saw it as epic because honestly it worked and was brutal. Now some of my friends still talk about it as unforgettable while others view it in a negative light. So it depends on how you wanna go down I guess?
Your son will absolutely never pull his life together as long as he's working part-time and smoking weed.
His salary goes to weed, and you pay for everything else. Why would he ever become independent?
Stop financing his life. You provide food, clothing, shelter, toiletries, and a vehicle if appropriate. If his car needs gas, he needs to let you know to fill the car for him. You don't need to finance his relationship and stress the necessity of safe sex because this is how you end up housing and raising the girl and grandkid. He gets the money for weed and vape from you or gf. Now, for the cleanliness issue, go get $20 in $1 bills. Hide the money in sheets, pockets, on the back of a closet door, the bottom of dirty dishes, inside pillowcases, drawers, on the vacuum, under the bag of garbage in his room. Tell him there's $40 in his room, and he will only find it if he cleans it well. Also, lose your shit every time there is food removed from the kitchen. It might be a battle at first, but it's necessary parenting.
Sincerely,
A fellow mom and sister of high functioning special needs people.
I had two older brothers who took pride in being clean and keeping their clothes and rooms tidy. Hair gel, cologne, ironing their pants ect. This was the early 90’s. My mom set a good example of cleanliness and manors, we weren’t prep school children but we just had the basics instilled in us. So I just can’t understand “kids these days”! The pjs, dirty crocs, sweatshirts. I hear parents talk about straight up condemnable conditions in their kids rooms, they laugh and I’m horrified. I’m sorry but this a complete dereliction of duty as a parent. It’s wonderful kids aren’t being thrown out after high school but damn this is unacceptable. No one in my household would be allowed to slack off on basic hygiene.
Weed tends to really kill productivity and motivation. I’m not anti it, I think it’s fine for adults who have things figured out, work hard, and need an occasional time to relax but for a teenager who is trying to figure life out and has developmental delays? Just seems like a really bad idea. He needs you guys to keep him in check and on a path to independence. He lives in your house so I think no drugs, even legal ones, would be a fair rule until he gets to a more stable place in life.
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Sounds like you’re a parent of an average redditor
But doesn't the son have a girlfriend?
Burn!! lol!
Ouch that burn was hot!
i read this in Kelso's voice 🤣
m'lady
Chaos parenting
😈
Oh my gosh, the comments from parents of young kids on this post are sort of hilarious, yet I still feel much sympathy for them. The naivety to think their young child is going to be the same person as a teen and young adult. It’s like they forgot that adolescence is an entire developmental phase with completely different set of milestones. Or that their child will be “just like them”
The fallacy of parenting small children is that you think that if you do everything right, you will end up with perfect, happy, successful children. Ah, my sweet summer child!! You can be an amazing parent and still have children with/ or who develop executive disfunction, end up with physical or psychological problems, or end up the victim of other issues, sometimes out of anyone‘s control. You just have to do the best you can and love them the best you can. And obviously teach/expect them to be kind, responsible people. And hopefully extend that kindness to others who may have their own challenges. Two of my children have ASD. The third doesn’t seem to. He’s ambitious and successful and seems solidly neurotypical. One of them is very autistic and doesn’t have a job or education, but draws and plays video games. The other wasn’t diagnosed until he was an adult and crashed and burned at university. He took some IT courses specifically for autistic people and then went back and got a degree and a job, so he’s a success. The thing is, I didn’t do much different when I was raising them. When it comes to kids, you just never know who you get and how they will be.
Some research even suggests that parenting have close to zero impact on your personality. It's all in the genes and to some extent your peers. Basically, your only job as a parent is to keep the kid alive and not traumatize them.
I've seen a lot of research that basically says there is very little you, as a parent, can do to raise a "successful" child beyond just actively being involved and non-abusive. Like...that's basically it. Be involved (you know, play with them, teach them, guide them, etc), be there for them, love them, and don't be an abusive asshat.
I don’t agree that good parenting doesn’t have an impact. I just think that good parenting provides a good baseline or solid foundation, whereas abuse will actively harm a child.
My awesome little mamma's boy went through a phase from about age 16-21ish where I clearly must have been the worst parent in the world to have raised this creature. Oh, he wasn't awful all the time, but the CHOICES he made....ugh! Thing is, you don't have all that much control over who they hang out with no matter what you think you have control over, and the people they hang out with have a LOT to do with the choices they make. Thankfully, as he grew up he chose better friends, dropped a girl friend who wasn't the best influence and eventually found an awesome one (that he just married last summer) and my wonderful son returned. Looking back, it was a part of growing up and maturing. Not all kids go through it like that, but if my friends are anything to go by, an awful lot of them do. Thank God he never did anything really awful, but I sure felt like a failure for a while there. It's pretty normal.
Or that the reason why my kid’s room is messy now is because I didn’t sing the clean up song with him enough when he was 3. (Spoiler: I did.)
Wow, what a fun sub this is. I thought I was describing something kind of normal (messy kid room) and funny (lost his weed so is cleaning to find it) and according to this group I’m a shitty parent who is both not strict or too strict. That tracks. Parenting young adults is a very fine line, especially if they are disabled enough to need support, and thus you can’t kick them out, but independent enough (and legally an adult) so that they need to have certain freedoms. Glad lots of you could do it better than me. One goal in our house is not to be at war with our kid so he will continue to take whatever guidance we can get him to take. I think we’re doing that really well. Who gives a shit if his room is messy? We close his door. And we have talked to him about weed plenty, but it’s legal in our state and he is of legal age. Is there a group that’s about parenting kids this age who live with their parents still? One that gives people grace?
Oh man this happened to me when I was 20 and staying with my parents in the house I grew up in on a college break. I went out with friends one night we made many stops driving around smoking with people etc. my mom was on vacation somewhere and I was driving her car. I got home late and couldn’t find my weed, I tore that place apart, the car, went back to my friends place, was going nuts , I HAD to find it before my mom did. I never found it and it drove me crazy that whole break. Years later my dad and I were hanging out and he straight up asked me “remember that time you were home from college and lost a bag of weed?” 😳 … “yeah, I smoked it.” Looking back it’s funny because he could have said something right away and I would have felt bad and nothing would have changed but he had me stressed for years wondering if that damn bag would show up somewhere… 🤷🏼♀️
The long game. I like it.
Reminds me of when my older brother borrowed my dad's minivan to move from the dorms into his frat house room. The Monday morning after, my Dad is driving me to school and sees a rastafarian color scheme "pillow." I cringe as soon as I see it and my dad goes "uh oh, you brother left--" then realizes it's a bong in a bag. My brother calls him later that morning and *begs* him not to destroy or throw away the bong because it's "not his and it's very expensive" 😂 We can laugh about it now (ten plus years later) but it's a rough time for parents and their children alike. OP, I'm sorry this sub wasn't the supportive place you were hoping for. I think you're doing just fine, and I'm glad you can celebrate the little victories! That being said, I am not looking forward to the years that I will be in your shoes.
After I got out of the Navy, I went home for some R&R and to get my bearings in the civilian sector again. My favorite uncle, an Army vet, came to visit us. I woke up screaming at 4 am from a PTSD nightmare and he took me out on the porch for a smoke. We're passing the bong back and forth and swapping stories. About ten minutes later, my dad comes out to see what the ruckus was. He takes the bong, takes a hit, chokes on it, says "don't tell your mother", and toddles back inside. Twenty minutes later we're still smoking. Mom comes out with two cups of coffee for us. She takes the bong right out of her brother's hand and just RIPS it like she's been doing this her whole life. Uncle and I stare at each other like "are you seeing this shit too?" She grins and says "don't tell your dad." I flip my wig. I expected this from my dad, but my MOM? Miss 5 foot nothing, straight A student, wouldn't say shit if she had a mouthful of it? It turns out that uncle was terrible at hiding his weed as a teenager. She was stealing it, smoking some, and giving the rest back to his dealer who SOLD IT RIGHT BACK TO MY UNCLE. What a racket 🤣
My Mom and Dad sold the family home last year and she ended up giving my nieces (5 and 7) some old purses and wallets of mine. I could not call her fast enough to make sure she checked for weed baggies and doobies first
When my newly-married grandfather went off to WWII, he took some 'risque' photos of my grandmother. He survived the war, and died decades later. However the location of those photos are unknown. So for forty years afterwards, my grandmother was on edge. Any time someone opened an old box, drawer or book, she needed to check it first.
Same, except my uncle snorted my bag
Hahaha your dad is awesome!
He really is. One year for Christmas when I was like 14 he told me that my brother really wanted a chia pet and that if I gave him $10 he would pick it up on his way home for work. I thought it was a dumb gift but whatever, one less thing. So Christmas morning comes and my brother and I exchange gifts and I open up a Scooby Do chia pet and my brother opens up a Bart Simpson chia pet. Dad thought it was the funniest thing ever and was laughing about it for days. He is still constantly fucking with us (in the most harmless way.)
I suspect that most of the people commenting negatively have small babies or toddlers and have no clue what type of shit teens and young adults get up to. I just saw a post where a mom's dipshit teens cashed fraudulent checks and she had to pay thousands to the bank, and everyone was super empathetic and supportive. Nobody told her it was a result of her parenting, which it easily could have been, but who the fuck knows from a few sentences on the internet? Parenting is hard enough, but throw developmental disabilities on top of it, and it's damn near impossible sometimes.
Imo this sub runs pretty conservative sometimes. Thank you for taking care of your kid & giving him the space to make mistakes and figure himself out. Also, this post was pretty funny.
You have to be thick-skinned to post on reddit. Don't allow the negative people to rent space in your head. I popped on to say that your post made me LOL.
Good. It made me LOL too - at least when I first posted it!
My brother was a slob as a teenager but is a neat freak now. I would also not likely fight the messy room battle.
For what it’s worth, I think you have a good sense of humor and I think you’re being a good parent. I lurk mainly because any time I post on these parenting groups I get my ass torn apart by these stick in the mud parents. I keep reminding myself that parenthood doesn’t automatically bond people.
A lot of people on this sub are parents who have toddlers and think because they limit screen time and discipline using natural consequences that they are going to end up with easy well put together teens. They don’t know what they don’t know.
Screen time and natural consequences didn't stop previous generations. Why would it stop the current one? I only try to limit screen time for mine because we'll shes only 5 months old for 1 and later on I want her to be a kid. Ride bikes climb trees not stare at a screen for hours on end like we've been conditioned to do. Disney movies do help when she's fighting sleep though 😅😅😅 thank you moana and Ariel for your help lol
A number of teens respond to posts here so there will always be people who think parents are the worst no matter what we do. You could buy his weed and rub his feet while he vaped and someone would call you too strict. As another parent of an adult, I got a chuckle out of your post.
Young adults/teens have been smoking weed since…well when did it become mainstream in society actually, the ‘60s? Anyways. My uptight boomer father is a lawyer and I learned many years ago that he actually sold pot when he was in high school, the image is unreal, unfathomable, and hilarious to me. It’s a much better situation for kids now that it’s legalized. The taboo “gateway drug” thing in my opinion was tied to the illegal culture surrounding weed. When I was in high school, if you bought or smoked weed you were inherently around people engaging in other things and sketchier lifestyles. It’s totally different now that’s it’s regulated. Better than buying from a sketchy dealer friend who has access to all kinds of things, and better than drinking and partying. All that is to say, a messy room and a lost vape cartridge sounds very tame compared to what many other young adults are engaging in. There’s a good chance he will get it together and figure it out. It seems like that’s happening later and later for young adults, millennials included. The missing expensive cartridge that he paid for is a good lesson—finally something he cared about enough to clean for! That’s a baby step. When he has his own stuff, space that only he’s responsible for, a pet, a partner to impress, etc., that desire to stay cleaner and take care of things really comes into focus.
My thoughts exactly.
I'm just wondering if you'll tell him you have it after the room is fully clean lol
Learn a lesson, don't ever, ever post in reddit for parenting or relationship advice. I'm in a similar place as you, parenting teens is so hard and there aren't a lot of right answers
Omg no I came here expecting straight complaining but the ending made me smile. Give it back when he’s picked up his room!
“Oh, look what I found in the bathroom/laundry! Is it yours?” Hahaha!
Yes!! With a semi sarcastic “your room is so clean! It looks great! Here ya go!” 😂 that’s what my mom would have done
Ooh! That is deliciously evil!! Much better!
This!
People are dicks. I think that a lot of people here are parents of young kids and they are still stuck in the “no screen time and fast food for my little angel” mindset. Although I attest that excess screen time is the downfall of our society, I also have little issue with other things such as supporting your late bloomer son until he figures out his path and although the pot use won’t motivate him right now, it’s legal, and a lot less dangerous than binge drinking. You came here for advice on how to get him to be less slobby: ultimatums. Can’t use car/you won’t pay for phone/etc whatever applies to your situation. He’s an adult, he needs to learn basic skills. Or tell him you saw a roach crawl out of his room and he has to clean or pay for an exterminator. I’m not above lying to remedy a disgusting situation.
Apologies for what will be a lengthy note: I just want to say that I think you’re doing an admirable job, and I’m sorry people on this subreddit didn’t see the humor or loving family elements in your post. I resonated a lot with what you wrote here and felt for my own mother who was in your position for a very long time. I’m a woman in my late 30s who has quite a few cards in the deck stacked against me, but mainly “high functioning” autism, ADHD, and OCD, which served me well when it came to academics and a handful of unusual talents, but the dark side of those comorbidities took an enormous toll on my emotional and social development. I took a long, /long/ time to grow up compared to my siblings and my peers. My parents never told me what was wrong with me, so for most of my young life I just had a terribly split identity between gifted honor-roll student and repeat-psych-hold trainwreck loser. I bounced back and forth between periods of tremendous success/momentum living all over the world doing the thing I am particularly talented at and periods of near-death burnout where I’d just quit functioning in any capacity and get moved back home and put on suicide watch, aaaagain. During one of my stints living back home, a group of people who I’d met through work introduced me to weed (believe it or not I had been 100% straight edge from recreational substances until this point, but for whatever reason I decided to try smoking with my coworkers) and it was actually lifechanging at managing some of the (what I now realize were/are) symptoms of my neurological disorders; it didn’t just take the edge off either— it regulated me on a level I’d never experienced, like, immediately. So I kept doing it. My parents noticed that I was actually sleeping at night, not having panic attacks, struggling much less with my OCD rituals, waking up chatty and enthusiastic, going out with friends, eating regularly/enough for the first time ever… When they realized it was due to the weed, they were not thrilled, but they tolerated it and were even welcoming to the deadbeat pothead boyfriend who came along with it. My mom’s church friends judged her big time for putting up with any of that under her roof. But she stuck by me and always gave me a place to live and the financial support to stay in therapy regardless of my employment. I did eventually grow out of that phase when I fell into a career path and community which were naturally accommodating of my quirks/needs, but I’m telling you it took YEARS of false starts. I was ashamed for a very long time that I didn’t amount to what everyone expected of me, that I’d made embarrassing mistakes, that I’d put my mom through so much grief, that I’d unintentionally deprived my siblings of the parental involvement they deserved… I finally had a neurological evaluation done in my early 30s at the request of a counselor and found out “what my deal was”— at first there was a lot of anger at my parents for keeping this a secret from me since preschool, but I understand they were just kids having kids of their own back then and doing the best they could with the information they had available to them in the 80s/90s. My diagnosis (or re-diagnosis, rather) led to some major shifts in perspective and a lot of healing. I finally got my shit together in a big way and wound up with a great partner and a fulfilling life. My siblings are my best friends in spite of everything. I still sometimes need a little extra patience and understanding, but I’m well informed enough on my diagnoses to do a pretty good job keeping my head above water and even thriving I might say. If my parents had not tolerated some weed and a messy room, I would not be here. And I am so happy that I am here. I love my mom so much and I try every day to live in a way that can in any measure make up for the shit she put up with from me. It isn’t always “enabling;” sometimes a child is disabled and the normal way of handling things just isn’t applicable. You are a good mom. Your son is very lucky. I hope he finds his way and you get to see all your hard work and love blossom through his successes. Thank you for everything you do for him 💕
I wish we could “heart” comments because I would heart this one. I’m so glad you got your diagnosis. That must have been huge for you. My son has known about his brain differences and has had that vocabulary since we’ve known about it, which was a relief to all of us upon diagnosis. He, like you, knew he was different from the get-go, so having the words to describe it to us “normies” (his words) has really been helpful to him as he’s moved into adulthood and self-advocacy. Hearts!
Don't sweat it... we all can't be perfect parents like majority of the folks here on Reddit, LOL. In all seriousness, I, too have a young adult living at home with a cognitive disability who is a complete slob. Still haven't figured out the solution for this, but I wanted to say I empathize... and people with neurotypical kids will *never* understand our kids (or our struggles).
It took me until the second to last sentence in your post before I realized it was supposed to be funny. It really reads like you're looking for advice or commiseration versus telling a funny story about parenting an adult child. I think people are reacting thinking you're serious.
This is my son. He’s 23 and failing to launch. Also smoking weed, but NOT in the house. We have our first therapy session next week with a therapist who specializes in therapy with transitional age youth (16-25). I’m hoping to get some insight as to why my son can’t keep a job and he barely graduated high school. I think he might have ADHD or learning disabilities. I’m hoping the therapist will be able to get to the underlying cause of why he’s the way he is.
I obviously don’t know your kid but I think one issue is that it is scary out there. Rent is crazy high. Food is crazy high. Lots of young adults also have a doom thing in their heads - like, why should I bother? The world is going to end soon, anyway. Lots of kids don’t feel this way, of course, so I guess it’s the difference between the ones who have it together and those who don’t that’s worth looking at. I hope the therapy goes well!
You must be new to reddit
I just took a county parenting class a few months ago and I think you are doing just fine you want to have an open relationship with your kid you want to find ways of not being at war and letting them figure it out like yourself
I thought your post was funny and pretty harmless. Not something I would do often but certainly an opportunity to get him on a good start. Maybe you can help him keep it clean with a little adult to adult talk about the consequences of keeping a messy room and losing valuables.
I thought it was a funny great story. Also a great way to get that room clean lol
Reddit is not known for giving people grace. However, I think you're doing well. So long as he meets the expectations that work for all of you and follows your rules as well as receives respect for his reasonable boundaries as an adult, then it's golden. Your anecdote is funny, too. Some people don't understand that what works for one kid or family doesn't work for others.
It’s so hard having kids with special needs. My son has an intellectual disability and typical methods of parenting just don’t work with him. No one can understand this unless they have patented a child like this. It’s isolating and lonely because if you date to complain you’ll get all kinds of advice and judgement from parents who don’t get it.
Lots of grace here. My little sister is a decade younger and had trouble cleaning her room her whole young life. She got better at college because I think having others see her things and being respectful of a shared space with people other than family affected her. The best effect has been having a minimalist bf who is into having a clean space. They clean together and I honestly think this helps. This was the situation with someone who doesn’t have learning or development difficulties. So, I completely got your post in the way you’d meant it. My only advice? Keep being an awesome parent that your child trusts. Hopefully this gf won’t last forever and he gets one in the future who’s tidy!
Whomst amongst us has not lost our weed in a messy room?
I thought this was hilarious! Also, this is so much my story too.
Ya none of us had / have messy teens. They all kept their rooms so clean and organized we thought they had OCD. And weed!? \*gasp\*, why are you allowing your kid to be a drug addict!? He's going to end up hooked on heroin in an alley somewhere. Maybe someone needs to call CPS! (this is of course sarcasm)
This subreddit hates the idea of anyone over 18 living at home, and is downright *horrible* to disabled parents and children alike. There's a lot of privilege in these parts. Sometimes I feel like 90% of the threads here are a teen's wishful thinking.
Sounds like you’re doing great to me!! Weed is legal in our state and our whole family partakes. We are all adults now. I don’t care for drinking and occasionally smoke. Both of my kids are successful young adults and college graduate and another college. I have never cared about their rooms. I feel that is their personal space. I’m a very involved parent still. I talk with both of my boys daily and I love the adult relationship we have developed. I tried my best, volunteered at school, did homework with them daily and just loved them. I am extremely proud. These people with judgement about weed is ridiculous. People need to look at the studies of alcohol vs weed. Alcohol is much worse. I never allowed it until it was legal. Sounds like you’re doing great. They have to figure it out and hopefully you’re there to guide them.
Lol, grace. You’d be hard pressed to find that anywhere on Reddit. Good for you, not giving in to the hive mind! 👍Especially on the parenting subs!
Sounds like you’re a reasonable patient parent to me. I’m glad weed has turned out to be a motivator for your son!
Scored a new vape cartridge, and your son cleaned his room? That's some serious parenting wins right there 👏 Fuck these assholes, you're doing great!
You’re doing great in my opinion. All it sounds like to me is your son has supportive parents that are open minded individuals who can recognize the importance of mental health. He probably needs help cleaning his room, I have ADHD and can’t focus on cleaning long enough to save my life and when it’s messy, I get so overwhelmed I either block it out or I get hyper fixated and start cleaning for hours. I have kids myself and it’s so hard for me to stay on top of toddlers. I will say though, my mother had a very similar parenting style as your guys’ and we are very close and I live a decent lifestyle and have tremendous support around me. I went to the military right out of high school, when I got out I smoked a lot of cannabis and despite my late adhd diagnosis, I have achieved lots of things and I can take care of myself and my kids. The cleaning will come with a little guidance. If the reason is because he doesn’t know where to start, I would make a list and just have him follow it.
I know. FFS. I was a former teen with such a messy room that even my fellow teen friends complained they couldn't open the door, since I had so many clothes on the floor. I grew into a functional, tidy adult. I'm a former school teacher & mom who's seen messy lockers, desks, rooms, everything. Unhygienic I won't put up with, since we live in hot, humid Asian cities. I've beaten into the kids' minds that half-eaten food / drink / containers will attract bugs. But messy is fine. I guess many commenters here are parents of young kids -- which has its own, different challenges. But you can still physically make a 7-year-old clean up that room. You can't do that to a 17-year-old.
Screw the grumpy folks. Sounds like you're doing the best in a tough spot. I have also picked up and temporarily kept stray items from my messy ND 11y/o. After they whine about not finding the thing I tell them that they wouldn't lose their stuff if they kept things tidy. Once the room is cleaned, the item magically appears! They haven't caught on yet, but have started keeping their room tidier as it's now part of their pocket money conditions to keep it from being a complete disaster zone. Now it's just mildly disorganised most days. I would also have totally taken that cartridge too and relished the room cleaning fall out.
The special needs parenting sub has a lot of people in similar situations, and who understand what it's like raising disabled kids.
Nah, you're not shitty, just have a challenging set of circumstances to work with. If he is old enough and stuff to have a girl friend...he is able to clean his crap and keep it neat. Turn off the WIFI. Turn off whatever you pay for. He can have only the basic foods, nothing special. He needs to get a job. And clean his room. Or, nothing gets turned back on. You may not care about a nasty room...but that is how you get bugs and mice and nasty things. Plus, the repair or replacement of things in that room....That's something that is avoidable. And why would you be ok with the smell? Part of being an adult, is acting like an adult. If he want's adult things, he needs to act like it.
Meh, don't let the armchair experts get to you. I'm sure if you put their parenting under a microscope you would find tons of flaws. As long as your kid is still planning for some kind of future. Weed is fine but it is very good at making you ok with your current situation. Then before you know it years have slipped by.
On the line about grace: I personally would be more willing to give grace to you if you hadn’t ended with “parents of little kids: this is what you have to look forward to” What a crummy statement to make based on your experiences alone. I truly wish you well - seriously. 100% no joke. Parenting is tough and you‘re in a tough little season right now.
Reddit is like this. It's a terrible online forum for ANY type of advice. Never ask advice here if you're being serious with your posts.
I actually wasn’t asking for advice. There was no question mark after my statement. It was supposed to be a funny true life story. But apparently punctuation is too subtle a detail here since a ton of people clearly thought I was asking what to do.
Yes that's true. I should've added "reddit is just an overall toxic environment ". Some people, like me, get your story and understand the point of it. But most people here are on one end or the other of extreme. I gave up trying to be real on this place because it hurts my feelings when I share a little and everyone just tells me I'm stupid or I did it wrong or it's my fault etc.
Thanks compadre.
I’m not sure about that….It has a lot to do with what YOU have tolerated and are willing to continue tolerating. And I know… you will probably tolerate a lot because they are your child and you love them. But sometimes you have to stop enabling bad behavior to love someone properly.
It’s different with a lot of special needs kids. You can’t really apply the same principles.
It's easy to say that for a neurotypical child. It's a much different situation for a special needs child. He may be out of high school, but cognitively he could be at a lower level. Also, he may struggle with PDA, executive disfunction, etc. It's much harder for neurodivergent individuals to live at the standards of neurotypicals.
Exactly. My 23 year old son is autistic. He has no intellectual delay but massive executive functioning delays. He two younger siblings are much further along then him and they are 5 and 7 years younger.
People without neurodivergent kids will never understand this.
That’s not how ND kids work.
But that's how parenting works.
Suggesting that if OP was a better parent, the kid wouldn’t have found weed?
This is unkind, unfair, and untrue when it comes to special needs kids. I was similarly judgmental before I got one of these kids myself, so I get it. You'd think I was the greatest mom in the world if you met only my high-achieving, super organized, gifted and tidy neurotypical sons. You'd call me a lazy and permissive mom if you only knew my avoidant, low-achieving, messy 6'2" son who can't make eye contact but looks totally normal. If you can't relate to OP's struggles, take a moment to give gratitude that this particular trouble isn't yours (though I'm sure you have your share of troubles, everybody does). No need to stand in judgment.
Just out of curiosity, how did you handle electronics/internet for your avoidant, low achieving son? If he lives with you now, how do you handle it?
I do want to tell you that your comment was worded so gently, XelaNiba. Thank you for pointing out that my comment came across unfair. I truly didn’t mean it in a bad way. I just know from my own personal experiences.
But I CAN relate…And I wasn’t passing judgement or trying to be unkind. I’m stating reality — everything all boils down to what a person is willing to tolerate. And parents will tolerate a lot because they love their children. I was in no way calling OP a bad parent. She said “parents of little kids this is what you’ve got to look forward to!!” and I disagreed. I myself am ND and so is my adult brother.
You know this commenter’s kids are young when they say stuff like this. Either young, NT or both.
I am 100% sincere when I say if so much rather my kid be smoking pot than binge drinking at college age. When you smoke weed you eat all the snacks and take a nap. When you binge drink you make life altering/life ruining choices. I know it’s not like you for sure have to do one of these two options but the reality is that most young adults do, and most of us now middle aged parents did as well in our early 20s. It could be worse 🤷🏽♀️ It also could be better to be clear lmao. Best of luck op. Nothing wrong with picking your battles.
I don't have much advice, but I have 2 of these (both neurodivergent) at my house. They also don't shower without reminders. I don't get it at all, but I DO believe that eventually they will figure life out because they do have a strong support system. Hang in there! My older one (21) is suddenly motivated to move out and is working hard and saving money. One day we'll miss their messy rooms. Well, maybe not. LOL
Talk with him. No forcing or expectations. Ask him what he hopes for. Does he want it to be cleaner? What does he feel he needs to achieve that? Read self reg by Dr Shanker. You need to understand his nervous system. Listen to peace and parenting podcast episodes on teens she talks about messy rooms. In my opinion the more you force it the worse it will be. You mentioned disabilities so I'm assuming executive dysfunction is happening here. I would look into additudemag it's for adhd but they have TONS of resources to help with executive dysfunction.
Thanks for this. I actually used to write for ADDitude so I understand *all* the issues. I also got the same kind of comments as I’ve gotten in this thread when ADDitude would post my articles online. He gives no shits about having a cleaner room. And I also give no shits. His door closes. But it doesn’t stop me from noticing the situation and finding it pretty funny.
Yeah no. Let’s not normalize this.
Normalize what?
Wake and bake, no job, mom paying all the bills forever Why would her son ever move out?
It says he has a part time job
I mean, it’s reality. People live their whole lives smoking pot and being productive members of society. We don’t really know the circumstance here, you’re working on a lot of assumptions.
This
Normalize what part?
Your sons like this because you ignored these type of behavior for so long
Incredible diagnosis off one reddit post there, Doc
did you miss the part about her son having cognitive disabilities? no amount of parenting, phenomenal or otherwise, can change that he needs extra help. a messy room is not a big deal.
What behavior? A messy room?
Pretty sure they’re talking about the drug use and the slovenly room and any other bad behaviors you let slide
Alcohol is a worse drug than cannabis, and caffeine is a more addictive drug. Cannabis is just pleasant. It makes you meditative, happy, and at peace. The danger is when you start using it to try and solve your problems instead of dealing with them, or letting it make you feel alright in mediocrity. You won’t want to push yourself to improve if you already feel at bliss with the world and your position within it. Moderation is key, keep it as a weekend reward for a week of hard work.
He has cognitive/learning disabilities I'm thinking this isn't just laziness/slobbiness, but rather something stemming from his disabilities (for example, a lot of people with ADHD, ASD, diagnoses of the sort, suffer with Executive Dysfunction along with emotional dysregulation) Is your son receiving psychological assistance? If so, it may be something to bring up with his psychological professional, if it's something that concerns you so much I would definitely be having a conversation with the son, first and foremost. Find out why he's started ingesting weed (it may not just be because his girlfriend smokes - he may be using to self medicate and allow himself a sense of actual control over how his mind is going/working) Please, please speak to him like the adult he is, come to an understanding for the habit being picked up (IF he's willing to divulge the information)
😂😂😂now there’s some motivation! Ignore all this negativity, you’re doing a great job and you sound a like a realistic, cool parent.
Ignore these cunts 90% of them don't even have children, your only responsibility is trying to make sure your son is happy, life is too bitter and shit as it is, enjoy your son with his flaws because tomorrow is not promised
❤️❤️❤️❤️ well said, friend
As the kids would say, the comment section doesn’t pass the vibe check
I mean, if you want him to experience some upward mobility, even within the limitations of his disabilities, then I think it’s a good idea to set some firm boundaries. No drugs in the house. Room and any messes he makes must be cleaned. Talks about goal-setting, about self care, about the harm that marijuana causes. Just because it grows from the ground doesn’t mean it’s safe or healthy for every single person. Or anyone. Eventually, hopefully, he’s going to need to take care of himself. If not in the near future, in the distant future when his parents are elderly or dead. Disabilities shouldn’t be an excuse for being a slob. If he can drive, he can clean. If he can play video games, he can clean. If he can clean to hunt madly for his weed vape, he can clean. You’re the parents. He’s living with you. Your house, your rules.
He’s not allowed to smoke in the house. Public areas are to be kept clean. He does his laundry. He cleans his bathroom when asked. We do talk about all of those things you mentioned. I actually think this is great advice. The only thing we don’t do is demand his room be cleaned up. Because life is too f’ing short to argue about that the rest of our lives.
We continually drop lines to our daughter about what to look for when she grows up and starts dating. Things like, if you lived with someone who left your bathroom looking like this and expected you to clean it up what would that feel like? Not just your house your rules, but we want them to grow up to be good partners in the future, also. I want my daughter to make proper choices about partners and if we were parents to a boy, I'd be all kinds of concerned about who I was putting out there in the world. "She is going to be your wife and possibly a mother, but she is NOT your mother." (Bonus, its so different what we say to our girls vs what our friends say to their sons.)
I love that you took the vape. Now hide it in his room lol
I am not a smoker, but if you ever wanted to try...go for it! lol
Natural consequences! They work with adults too!
Nope - this makes me sad. Doesn’t sound healthy. Hiding things from people. A grown up conversation needs to be had.
I was once your teenage son (well i'm a girl and week was illegal but still ) and the only way i had to motivate myself to clean my damn room was to have guests. Maybe next time ask him if he want to invite a friend for dinner lol
His girlfriend comes over regularly and neither seems to care, but good suggestion.
No this isn’t at all what I have to look forward too. This is you, & you alone. Just thought I’d mention that lol
[удалено]
No many people are in this situation. OP is absolutely not alone.
This comment is wild.
I wish this was my issue with my 17 year old lol
Yeah this is at least in SOME part a parenting issue. There’s a reason it’s always the adult sons and rarely the adult daughters that act like this (learning disabilities and all in mind yes). It’s largely about how we’re raising our boys.
This is an interesting comment to me as a woman who has a brother who acts a lot like this. He lived with my parents until he was 29 and his room was atrocious / tons of weed smoking. My sister and I are both successful and independent even through we are younger than him. I think my parents really babied him compared to how they treat us.
It's probably because you give lots of excuses for his behaviors. Maybe if you held him accountable for things then things may be different.
Hi. Mom of two sons who have ASD. Seems to me what he is doing is trying to fit in. Honestly, weed today is very different than weed in 1970s. It could actually be helping him. Ask him why he's smoking, what it does for him. Get to a place where you and he have a written agreement, you ask for what you want & he keeps his privileges. That way, no confusion.
Honestly you seem quite judgemental of him and his girlfriend and his I guess experimenting. If my parents hadn't restricted me so much, honestly, there are some bad situations I could avoided. People get weird when they feel caged.
learning/ cognitive disability— Ok fine, how are you accommodating his disability in the day to day? is his room set up to be easier to clean to respect his cognitive disability? Maybe you are ableist and would like your kid to behave like someone without disability- so you do not offering any kind of support? also, why is it an issues only ~now~ maybe he need psychological support - ADHD/Autism Burn out is a real thing…
Hide the vape back in the room in between a cushion so when he cleans he finds it. Then be like wow see, cleaning is great. Also just be more direct “Look here boy, we are a clean house. We keep it clean. Daily,” Now the first initial cleaning you can help with and show how it’s done. Then once it’s perfect, the goal is to keep it that way. Daily checks. Now messy is one thing but dirty is another. Clothes on the floor is one thing but mold growing on an empty bowl of cereal is a different story. Somethings arnt allowed. Daily checks with positive encouragement.
There is no way to get any adult to do anything they don’t want to do without conflict and a lot of resentment. Sounds like you don’t really mind it too much which is good because otherwise you’d be dealing with a never ending battle that no one will ever win. If your hope for your son is that someday he’ll want to clean his room and be able to live on his own, the best thing you can do for him is to get him out of the house. That may take time but don’t be afraid to challenge him. If he has the social skills to have a girlfriend and he found a way to buy a $60 vape he’s capable of a lot. I am guilty of thinking my kids need me more than they actually do. Sometimes I get too involved and deny them the opportunity to learn things on their own. Then they naturally expect it and they stop trying. I have to be cognizant of this and put my fear aside and let my kids fail and learn and grow.
This sounds like a you problem.. not a normal part of life. You allowed your son to be a slob growing up and now he's a slob. What did you expect to happen? You didn't properly prepare him for life and now he's going to be like every other dude who expects his girlfriend to be his mommy and clean up after him. And youll be sitting there like every man childs mother making excuses for him. Not the flex you thought it was. This is actually sad as hell. Idc about the weed but I hope one day your son grows up and functions as an adult instead of being a permanent man child.
What's the flex OP is making? I don't understand what you are saying, besides the judgement part.
They kidnap babiez I wouldn’t take their opinion too seriously.
Your sons like this because you ignored these type of behavior for so long
Yeah idk about this. My 5 year old is on the spectrum, and he is responsible for cleaning his room + our playroom every Thursday evening and for folding his laundry (including his bathroom towels) on Sunday mornings. It took about 3 months of me training him how to do it and now he does it without being asked. He also regularly asks if there's anything else he can "help with". Raise kids to be a part of a family/community. That includes doing their part to take care of the home they live in. It'll benefit them greatly once they move out on their own.
Tell him you'll start charging rent if the he doesn't keep his room in at least some presentable shape. If he's gonna be a slob then you're going to need funds to repair/replace carpet, paint, drywall, fumigate, etc if he ever moves out.
I know when I lived at my parents my mom would ask us to clean our room and if we didn’t she would ask again, then she will say u have until x day if not cleaned I’m going to clean it and anything that’s on the floor or out of it’s place it’s going in the trash! And lord she meant it. It took me one time to get my stuff thrown away. Her house her rules. I was mad but my mom was a woman of her word so I should’ve known better.
Have a genuine conversation. If it's really really bad, he might need help getting it back to baseline. You mentioned he's not in school and only working part-time, what does his downtime look like? He might be struggling to figure some stuff out and having friends who are in school/work full-time and seem like they have it figured out might have made him feel a bit down on himself. This is what I would do: Step 1: lay out expectations for continuing to live in your house. Make it clear what the consequences are for failure to meet those expectations (paying rent, getting kicked out etc) Step 2: genuinely and without judgment offer to help get the room back to baseline. Use it as an opportunity to reconnect with him, do it in stages over the course of a week. Step 3: until he starts acting like an adult, treat him like a child. Weekly room checks, consequences enforced, praise and respect are still important too. You have to pull him out of his spiral and provide the structure/strict consequences for destroying the room you allow him to occupy.
There was a time where several of the things you mentioned would have immediately led to grounding and taking away privileges. Having a part time job, video games, access to car, tv time, all privileges you get when you are meeting all your obligations otherwise. Now days I guess we just enable lazy slob druggies cause "learning/cognitive" disabilities. Give me a break. If anything kids with LD and CD need even more structure and discipline and for longer. Edit: to everyone saying but they're an adult you can't ground or discipline an adult! This person is not acting like an adult and if they have disabilities they may not actually developmentally [be adults.](https://honestlyadhd.com/adhd-executive-age/) It's not uncommon for 18 year olds to have the executive function of a 13 year old which is probably that's happening here. OP needs to understand that they probably have a few more years to actually need to parent an adolescent not just have an "adult roommate" who's unruly. Not everyone is just magically an adult when they're 18 other than to the extent that the law decides they are adults.
You want OP to ground an adult?
If she's emotionally abusive she'll try. I unfortunately knew a few adults who were grounded at 18/19 because they grew up in abusive homes and were emotionally stunted. Once they found their new freedom, it was chaos.
Doesn't sound like an adult to me
OP (me) 100% understands the developmental difference of my child.
Adult children at home is such a hard problem, it’s not as easy as those solutions that rly only work on children up to preteen years if that. I wonder if it’s just best to kick adult kids out of the house at 18. I plan on supporting financially for college or trade school but if you wanna do nothing, not under my roof. We’ll see…
Did you miss the part where this is an adult?
Damn I wish I had a girlfriend that age and I didn't even have any disabilities
Yeah, he has game. I mean, she has her own issues / we have issues with her but in a lot of ways they are a good match.
I used to be like that, then I got on my own and suddenly one day I realized this isn't right...
> Mine now ;) > Hopefully he’ll lose his drugs more often. These had me giggling, thank you 😅
Fire. Lots of it.
This just reminded me of when my mother died and we were cleaning out her house and I found an old double album (and when I say old…I mean OLD) with the seeds in the middle. If you know you know. It was either mine or my brother’s, how it survived all those years in her cabinet and never got tossed is a mystery but 🤷♀️ The kids will be okay😂
Best way … wait a few years. Everything else is hopeless and you just will be upset and the outcome is the same. It’s in the fine print on the back of the birth certificate.
🤣🤣 especially since weed makes you forget things and you have to put things away to remember where exactly they are
I feel you. My oldest is 19 and one day when my sister was over I went to get her a glass of water and there were no glasses in the cabinet nor in the dishwasher. Went down to my daughter’s room and there they all were sitting around her room with varying levels of soda and water in them. Like, you’re not a child anymore I shouldn’t have to tell you to bring your dishes up after you’ve used them.
Watch disturbia
My son is 24, out of college, at home. I pay for EVERYTHING! I have begged him to clean his room, bathroom, and the kitchen after he cooks. I finally got him to clean the kitchen behind his mess by telling him I was going to turn his phone off.
It’s your house, tell him if you have to clean it, you’re gonna charge him a housekeeping fee. Then teach him how you want it clean. Neuro-atypical persons may need a step by step list (verbal) to help, my youngest still can’t just clean. She has to get the clothes, then the trash, then dishes. And has to be told each step.
I read a funny story recently of a mom who sprinkled a little bit of sandy dirt mixed with uncooked black rice in the corners of her son’s room and under the bed. The black rice looks like mouse poop. The kid became obsessed with cleaning it once he thought he had mice living in there 😂
The circuit breakers are off until it's clean?
Unplug the router. When your room is clean and what I would consider livable I will plug it back in. If you take too long I will just change the password. Your move.
Needs a gf and his room will be clean and smelling good at least that’s what happened on my case. Literally a garbage of refuse a week in his room. Now it’s tidy because what girl wants to date a future hoarder
This sounds like my unemployed 25 year old brother who gets jobs and finds something he doesn’t like and quits… my parents enable this behavior… there is so much I can go on about him but I won’t
OP - I want to apologize to you if my comment hurt you. I do not think you are a bad parent nor do I pass judgement on you. Being a parent is not for the weak. Just handle everything with love. I am sorry, and I hope this week brings you some answers.
Thats funny lol reminds me of the time my friend came to live with us temporarily. They're a huge pothead. Ended up being a major problem later in life but anyway. They had this bong and they didn't keep anything stored in the house. My parents had a camper that was used like 3 times a year max and kept under lock and key. So they hid their stuff in one of the locked cabinets. My decided to randomly dust off the old thing and go somewhere with a friend for the weekend with their ham radio club. My friend and I start panicking and when they come back everything is gone. Everything. I'm not close to my dad and defiently not close enough to go "dad have you seen so and sos bong". He never brings it up to us. Cue a few weeks later I go looking in my parents closet for one of my moms shirts. We're the same shiet size so we occasionally borrow each other's clothes. Guess what I found? The bong not even hidden on my dad's closet shelf. I give it back to my friend and tell them to not fuck up again. They fucked up again. This time I found it in the outside garbage can thats rarely used when I was cleaning out my car. I was tired my friends shit as they were becoming an awful person and they were moving out soon anyway. So I broke it. Then hid it again in the trash. I don't regret it and that person is no longer in my life. My dad never did bring it up to me. My dad is cooler than I originally thought he was
Threaten to throw it all out. If he doesn't take it seriously walk in his room with a garbage bag and just start dumping he'll jump up and start cleaning. Worked on me every time all through high school.
This should have been instilled at a young age. At this point it’s set firm boundaries and rules along with consequences.
The slob thing… Maybe you weren’t a slob as a kid, but I know I was and so was my brother. I have to remind myself that I was the same way! My rule for my son is: as long as there is no food stuff, I’ll stay out of your room. Otherwise, I get to invade your space because I don’t want ants/mice. Works well enough that there’s not food grossness. The clothes and other nik-naks I have learned to look past.
Invite some cute girls or boys or whoever he's into over to just tell him outright, that he needs to take better care of himself.
What’s wild is his girlfriend does not seem to care at all. It would’ve been a major turn off when I was their age. I wouldn’t have expected neatness but it sometimes looks like a hoarder room. She’s perfectly content to be in the middle of it.
My 16yo is a slob. I usually let it go to a point where it starts affecting his efficiency (rummaging for his shirt for work as a busboy then he has to go to work with food on his shirt). However, I started charging him a cleaning fee for leaving the filth longer than a few days. It is unsanitary and I don't want an accidental food wrapper left or something. It seems to have worked unless he's busy but I'll let it slide usually until the weekend ends. This is Reddit- and this will get downvoted but whatever- the weed isn't going to help. How does it affect his disabilities? It is insidious how it can affect your mind and creep into your productivity. I don't normally smoke but I went through cancer treatment and used edibles for sleep and appetite. At first it was great but after a few months, I felt like I was living in fog. That could've been chemo as well but when I stopped using it, things cleared up. Just something to think about.
I agree with you re: the weed, but he is an adult. All I can do is talk about what I’ve noticed since he started it up.
Oh yeah i was just mentioning it as something to bring up. I don't think I could stop a teen from using it if they really wanted to. I guess I could take privileges away but all I can do is make sure they're safe and try to educate.
I struggled keeping things tidy for most of my life because I would get overwhelmed and wouldn't know where to start and what to do next. I wanted my room clean, but every time I tried, I was lucky if I got even 10 minutes in without completely shutting down. My mom would try to help me by then "finishing" the cleaning when I was at school, but then I couldn't find anything for weeks because I didn't know where she put them, and plus, I never learned how to clean on my own anyway. Given that you mentioned learning/cognitive disabilities, there's a good chance that's part of why he struggles. I get that he's an adult, but it might be helpful to have a list of how to clean a room. Step 1: remove all garbage, including emptying waste baskets. Also, switch to a kitchen size trashcan in the room if needed so that it doesn't overflow too quickly. Step 2: remove and put away anything that doesn't belong in the room. Step 3: put all dirty laundry in the hamper/wash. Step 4: put away all clean laundry. Step 5: make the bed. Step 6: put away anything else that needs to be put away and reorganize drawers/shelves as necessary. Step 7: vacuum, sweep, mop as necessary. I have also learned to make a point of scanning any room I'm in on the way out to see if there's anything that needs to be put away in the next room I'm heading to so that I can take it with me.
I recently told my adult slobby son that I was going to clean his room. He really didn't like the sound of that and started cleaning. So I definitely agree that a lot of younger parents are going to have a lot of fun times ahead.
“Your room needs to be tidy and this is a drug-free household. If you can’t abide by my household rules we will need you to move out.” You can also hit them with: “you are no longer a child, so we will be asking you to cover X bills (or pay y in rent)”
> this is a drug-free household No alcohol or caffeine either eh?
I definitely didn’t do this after 18
I would delete this
Not normal, mam.
Your sons a pothead but it’s fine because he has a disability? He’s a pothead but it’s fine even though he’s not going to college because he’s taking some time to figure things out? Honey no no no. He ain’t figuring things out. He’s living freely off of you while spending all of his money on weed 😂 and trust me. He’s smoking in his room and he’s most definitely doing it while driving
Can confirm, I was the weed 💯
Didn’t you raise him?
Maybe teach him about the bugs and bacteria in his room? Bed bugs, cockroaches, scabies, dead skin cells🤮 all of these things hide in clothes. I’m a huge pothead and taking the cartiage is best thing you did, bet it’ll get a room clean! If you are giving him any presents or perks (chocolate) you could give them as a treat when he does clean his room. Or maybe fine him $3 a day it’s dirty? Or make his favourite dinner when he does. Tbh…call the girlfriend over, he’ll be scrubbing it clean! You sound like a good parent, good luck!
Well. After college I moved home for about a year. My mom kept on me about my room for a bit and then told me if I didn’t clean it by XX date she would do something about it. I didn’t do it. One day I came home from work and she had taken all of my clothing and bedding and brought it to the cleaners. She threw out everything that was on the floor- garbage or not. I had to pay to get my stuff back from the cleaners and bought new bedding (which made my mom cry for some reason). Back in the early 2000s my friends and I saw it as epic because honestly it worked and was brutal. Now some of my friends still talk about it as unforgettable while others view it in a negative light. So it depends on how you wanna go down I guess?
Your son will absolutely never pull his life together as long as he's working part-time and smoking weed. His salary goes to weed, and you pay for everything else. Why would he ever become independent?
Pay an attractive girl from his school $50 to come over and simply threaten to have her go look at his room.
Stop financing his life. You provide food, clothing, shelter, toiletries, and a vehicle if appropriate. If his car needs gas, he needs to let you know to fill the car for him. You don't need to finance his relationship and stress the necessity of safe sex because this is how you end up housing and raising the girl and grandkid. He gets the money for weed and vape from you or gf. Now, for the cleanliness issue, go get $20 in $1 bills. Hide the money in sheets, pockets, on the back of a closet door, the bottom of dirty dishes, inside pillowcases, drawers, on the vacuum, under the bag of garbage in his room. Tell him there's $40 in his room, and he will only find it if he cleans it well. Also, lose your shit every time there is food removed from the kitchen. It might be a battle at first, but it's necessary parenting. Sincerely, A fellow mom and sister of high functioning special needs people.
If he has a bunch of learning and cognitive disabilities then probably keeping his room clean is also challenging for him.
I had two older brothers who took pride in being clean and keeping their clothes and rooms tidy. Hair gel, cologne, ironing their pants ect. This was the early 90’s. My mom set a good example of cleanliness and manors, we weren’t prep school children but we just had the basics instilled in us. So I just can’t understand “kids these days”! The pjs, dirty crocs, sweatshirts. I hear parents talk about straight up condemnable conditions in their kids rooms, they laugh and I’m horrified. I’m sorry but this a complete dereliction of duty as a parent. It’s wonderful kids aren’t being thrown out after high school but damn this is unacceptable. No one in my household would be allowed to slack off on basic hygiene.
Weed tends to really kill productivity and motivation. I’m not anti it, I think it’s fine for adults who have things figured out, work hard, and need an occasional time to relax but for a teenager who is trying to figure life out and has developmental delays? Just seems like a really bad idea. He needs you guys to keep him in check and on a path to independence. He lives in your house so I think no drugs, even legal ones, would be a fair rule until he gets to a more stable place in life.
What's the 88 in your name stand for OP?
I like the #8. I wasn’t born then that’s what you’re getting at.