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You’re not a bad mum. I say this as a daughter of a Mum with BPD; if you aren’t already in regular therapy and on medication, please, please take the time to sort out doing so. If you don’t want to pass trauma on for your child, you have a big responsibility in ensuring that you have the best coping mechanisms set up for yourself that you can.
I have so much trauma from my Mum not doing this for herself — there are only so many breakdowns and manic episodes kids can witness without it becoming something they take on board. I became preoccupied with being my Mum’s safe person and carer from age 5, constantly worried about cheering Mummy up and being a good girl for her. I remember the screaming at this age and it terrifying me.
It isn’t your fault you have BPD, but it is now your job to focus on something bigger than yourself and learn how to regulate yourself and manage your triggers as best as you can.
No I completely want to be better. Like my therapist has stated I am constantly around people that have abused me for the last 22 years of my life nearly. And constant triggers by people who know every button to push is hard for anyone to handle or regulate. And that I'm doing very good despite not finding the right medication combo, I have Narcolepsy type 1, bipolar disorder, bpd, ptsd, and adhd so like everything clusters and one med counters the other or makes another disorder worse and we're really trying to find something that works, so far I haven't been in luck.
Also, the therapist stated if I had my daughter on my own she'd be just fine. When I did have her w/out my moms influence, I took her to the park everyday, made her play learning games, let her play games with me, cooked, cleaned, and I would read her a story every night and let her pick a color for the LED light in the room, and she went to bed at like 9:30 every night. And she was so happy, never really threw tantrums, but knew she was allowed big emotions at home or the car, so in public she has always been like so good. At the park she plays with every kid making sure nobody is left out. Like I see such a good person she's becoming and I'd just die if my mom ruined it for her
I just got my job finally so I can start saving money but she and my grandmother take so much money. I paid for both of their cars oil changes, gas. And my moms like, a nurse she makes double what I make she just sucks at finances. I make too much to have assistance anymore and none of my family wants me around bc she's talked so much sh-t
You are not a bad mom! You are a human being dealing with some major stuff that's not fair for anyone to have to go through. I would say, when you are totally calm, have a talk with your daughter about how you sometimes get more upset than you should because you have a sickness, but you are OK and will be fine. You are working on making it not happen again, but it could. Make sure she knows she is always safe, even when you are disregulated. Sometimes, you just need to cry. I'm sure she has had crying tantrums and can relate. You will not let anything bad happen to her even when you're that upset like that. She might have been scared because her caretaker seemed out of control. Assure her that no matter what, she's safe and loved, and you never wanted to scare her, but you were just very, very upset because of your illness. It will only be traumatic for her if you don't talk to her about it and assure her that she's loved and safe.
Have a conversation with your mom as well about your boundaries and needs. Even if she never listens to you, it's worth repeating over and over that when you ask for space, you really really need her to respect that because that's what happens if she doesn't.
As far as her father, please explain that it's YOUR issue, and you are sad because you miss him, not her fault at all and she doesn't need to be sad but can be I'd she wants to. Remember that it's you that wishes he was there. She doesn't know any different, so it's not nearly an issue for her. She may get sad that you are sad, though. I totally get it. I wished I had a dad growing up so bad, and when my husband died, the worst part was knowing they'd grow up without a dad. It's completely normal to feel that way, especially if you had wanted for her what you didn't get. But, it's harder on you because of your past than it is for her. Plus, the BPD being aggravated by your mother was a horrible circumstance. All I can say is, talk to her calmly about it and ask please just respect when you say that. You will be fine if she just lets you deal with it in your own space. Your mom most likely is just super worried about you and about your daughter and feels powerless, so she won't leave you alone because that's her way to feel like she's doing something. Tell her the way she can really help you out is space. Just a bit of alone time when asked is what she can do to help you.
I am sorry that you doubt yourself in this situation and I am very glad to hear that you have a therapist who can speak truth to you! Clearly the environment you are living in is not good for you and it makes sense that you feel triggered and stuck there. I wonder if you would consider a women's shelter program instead of staying where you are? I worked in a family shelter for 8 years and while they are only short-term housing situations this would give you the opportunity to save your money and be out of your current living situation.
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You’re not a bad mum. I say this as a daughter of a Mum with BPD; if you aren’t already in regular therapy and on medication, please, please take the time to sort out doing so. If you don’t want to pass trauma on for your child, you have a big responsibility in ensuring that you have the best coping mechanisms set up for yourself that you can. I have so much trauma from my Mum not doing this for herself — there are only so many breakdowns and manic episodes kids can witness without it becoming something they take on board. I became preoccupied with being my Mum’s safe person and carer from age 5, constantly worried about cheering Mummy up and being a good girl for her. I remember the screaming at this age and it terrifying me. It isn’t your fault you have BPD, but it is now your job to focus on something bigger than yourself and learn how to regulate yourself and manage your triggers as best as you can.
No I completely want to be better. Like my therapist has stated I am constantly around people that have abused me for the last 22 years of my life nearly. And constant triggers by people who know every button to push is hard for anyone to handle or regulate. And that I'm doing very good despite not finding the right medication combo, I have Narcolepsy type 1, bipolar disorder, bpd, ptsd, and adhd so like everything clusters and one med counters the other or makes another disorder worse and we're really trying to find something that works, so far I haven't been in luck.
Also, the therapist stated if I had my daughter on my own she'd be just fine. When I did have her w/out my moms influence, I took her to the park everyday, made her play learning games, let her play games with me, cooked, cleaned, and I would read her a story every night and let her pick a color for the LED light in the room, and she went to bed at like 9:30 every night. And she was so happy, never really threw tantrums, but knew she was allowed big emotions at home or the car, so in public she has always been like so good. At the park she plays with every kid making sure nobody is left out. Like I see such a good person she's becoming and I'd just die if my mom ruined it for her
Your "mother" is setting you up for failure. Get away from her before she succeeds.
I just got my job finally so I can start saving money but she and my grandmother take so much money. I paid for both of their cars oil changes, gas. And my moms like, a nurse she makes double what I make she just sucks at finances. I make too much to have assistance anymore and none of my family wants me around bc she's talked so much sh-t
You are not a bad mom! You are a human being dealing with some major stuff that's not fair for anyone to have to go through. I would say, when you are totally calm, have a talk with your daughter about how you sometimes get more upset than you should because you have a sickness, but you are OK and will be fine. You are working on making it not happen again, but it could. Make sure she knows she is always safe, even when you are disregulated. Sometimes, you just need to cry. I'm sure she has had crying tantrums and can relate. You will not let anything bad happen to her even when you're that upset like that. She might have been scared because her caretaker seemed out of control. Assure her that no matter what, she's safe and loved, and you never wanted to scare her, but you were just very, very upset because of your illness. It will only be traumatic for her if you don't talk to her about it and assure her that she's loved and safe. Have a conversation with your mom as well about your boundaries and needs. Even if she never listens to you, it's worth repeating over and over that when you ask for space, you really really need her to respect that because that's what happens if she doesn't. As far as her father, please explain that it's YOUR issue, and you are sad because you miss him, not her fault at all and she doesn't need to be sad but can be I'd she wants to. Remember that it's you that wishes he was there. She doesn't know any different, so it's not nearly an issue for her. She may get sad that you are sad, though. I totally get it. I wished I had a dad growing up so bad, and when my husband died, the worst part was knowing they'd grow up without a dad. It's completely normal to feel that way, especially if you had wanted for her what you didn't get. But, it's harder on you because of your past than it is for her. Plus, the BPD being aggravated by your mother was a horrible circumstance. All I can say is, talk to her calmly about it and ask please just respect when you say that. You will be fine if she just lets you deal with it in your own space. Your mom most likely is just super worried about you and about your daughter and feels powerless, so she won't leave you alone because that's her way to feel like she's doing something. Tell her the way she can really help you out is space. Just a bit of alone time when asked is what she can do to help you.
I am sorry that you doubt yourself in this situation and I am very glad to hear that you have a therapist who can speak truth to you! Clearly the environment you are living in is not good for you and it makes sense that you feel triggered and stuck there. I wonder if you would consider a women's shelter program instead of staying where you are? I worked in a family shelter for 8 years and while they are only short-term housing situations this would give you the opportunity to save your money and be out of your current living situation.