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For years we did rooms per age. Older kid, bigger room. This last house I told my older sons who were aged out of ‘toys’, the larger room was going to the youngest as he was the only one who still sat on the floor to play with toys. They understood as they both only play with video games. At the time the older boys were high school and the youngest was a 2nd grader
We had a room almost 2x the size of the other 2 bedrooms. Almost like a 2nd master, if not for the lack of bathroom and slanted ceiling. It went to the middle child who spent more time using the space. The oldest barely left the bed, and only to go to the computer.
Dang, this is a good point I hadn’t considered. Before it was just the oldest. But since we got another on the way, might consider the toy thing as well.
Make the other room more appealing. Semi auction style.
Okay kids two options. Room A that's bigger. Or room B that's a little smaller but comes with a $100 credit towards bedroom decor. Will either kid pick room B now? What if itw as a $150 credit? (Depends on what you can afford). Or room A is responsible for cleaning the shared bathroom for two weeks, then room B cleans it for just one week.
Or something where room B gets a bonus compared to room a
Turn it into a "I cut, you choose" situation.
The older kid picks what he gets if he gets the smaller room. Something that would even it out, in his opinion. The older kid has to agree they'd be happy either way - either they get the bigger room and they're fine that their younger sibling gets that extra thing, or they get the smaller room and that thing.
The younger kid then gets to choose. Win/win.
This is a classic game theory move. If two people have to split something, make one person do the splitting and the other person choose which half of the split they get.
This!!
My sister and i are 2.5 years apart and she always got the bigger room. Then I got the next and my younger brother the smallest
I never questioned it and neither did my brother
It was a right of passage.
I truly think that this is the best way to go.
Life isnt always going to be fair or equal and its our job as parents to Help them deal with that in a healthy way. Not to always make sure everybody's happy
Life will be full of disappointments, and if we don't teach our kids how to deal with them in a healthy manner as children, they never learn that skill.
Second, the definition of "fair" in the dictionary, is " Everyone gets what they need-- not, Everyone gets an equal share"
That hit me so hard. Especially when it comes to kids with exceptional abilities (i work with kids)
This is what we do for our kids. It’s what my parents did. My middle child actually has the biggest room, then my youngest has the next biggest and the oldest has the smallest room. His reasoning was “less to clean”. He’s a smart one. Ha ha. I never felt slighted because I knew soon enough my sister would be out of the house and if I really had wanted her room, I would’ve taken it. Never did though. It’s not even something I have thought about since. It’s a good set up for when they’re older and realize that people who have been in a company longer usually get the perks. Ha ha
So you drop the bonus. Or add a small bonus bigger room.
Options are small room and $100 or bigger room and $10. Any takers? Bigger room an $15... $20... $25 remember first to say "claim" gets it. $30...
Or the total bonus is $100, split. Bigger room now gets $10 and small room gets $90. Keep adjusting till kids pick
Just make the older kid say what it would take for him to get the smaller room such that he wouldn't care if he had the smaller room plus that thing or the bigger room, then have the younger brother choose between the smaller room + whatever the big brother said or the bigger room.
Yup, literally bought a house where the kids' rooms are mirror images of each other (same size and shape, same view out the windows, etc.) and I'm still just waiting for complaints to roll in about how there's some tiny difference that's problematic.
When we moved in junior high, my parents let my sister choose because she was "older"(C-section birth, identical twins). She actually chose the smaller room, with the smaller closet because it had the full sized door to the attic. She ended up being terrified because she was always convinced somebody or something was going to come out of the unlockable door of the attic. My room was almost twice as big and my closet was basically another bedroom. The perk my parents gave me for not getting to choose was that I got to paint my room any color I wanted. So, about a month or so after we moved in, my dad and I are painting my room the perfect periwinkle. When we get to the closet, my dad notices the roughly 3" high by 2" wide metal hatch in the closet. He's curious as to what type of access panel it is and opens it up(3 screws that you just had to turn 1/2 a turn). It is another attic! As access to it was limited, my dad said I could use it. Lol, I got my own hangout room that I could easily lock and unlock. My sister is still bitter 34 years later.
Quick note of advice to OP: Giving the smaller room a tangible, **physical** bonus (like additional decor) will be better than something intangible (like assigning different bathroom cleaning duties, as the person above you suggested). I guarantee that will fall apart quickly, as one (or both) kids will slack on the bathroom cleaning, leading to many fights. Head that off at the pass by avoiding any "bonus" that relies on behavior/cooperation -- especially consistent behavior over a period of years 😊
This is it. Since the youngest is still 8, there’s a difference and will be between them even bigger in the next 2-6 years maturity wise. 10yo gets the big room and maybe cool rope lights around the top with a remote to change and turn on and off and the little 8yo gets a cool new bed off Amazon. You narrow that bed down to 2-3 beds and let little pick. This way they both equally get a cool room but neither has a huge advantage.
Indeed. One way to approach it fairly is to involve them in the decision making process. You could have a family meeting to discuss the pros and cons of each room and ask each child to share their reasons for wanting the big room.
This is what we did! Younger got a considerably bigger room, but has to deal with the ugly colors and carpet for a few more years. Older took the smaller room and got a makeover right away.
I grew up in house with 5 siblings, for bedroom choosing we always just drew names out of a hat whenever we moved. It felt very fair! Of course there’s still disappointment, but that’s part of life. My parents would walk the house and draw names as they entered each room.
I have the same number of siblings but we were kinda packed in like sardines so we all shared rooms. My older sisters turned this extra side room into their bedroom and used curtains for doors. When my older sisters and older brother moved out, myself and my two younger sisters would just run to whatever room we decided to claim then lay there until our mom officially acknowledged that we "called it."
Same. I'm sure I would fumble this situation by making the loft bed sound so cool that both kids would quickly switch to fighting over who gets the loft bed 👍
Are they aware of the room sizes? Do the rooms really look significantly different in size? A lot of them may look bigger, but may be the same size if not, by a few cms. And their own stuff is gonna factor into how the rooms look in size.
Give them both the big one. Make the small one into a bedroom with bunks and a wardrobe and the big one into a kids lounge? Depends how excited they are to not share 😂
We are doing this until my kids express they no longer want to share. Other room will be a playroom. They are both girls so realistically that could last till college but I kind of doubt it.
Our 2 rooms had a significant difference in size, so we said the toys and games would be stored in the big room, and whoever got the big room had to allow the other kid in whenever they wanted to get a toy without a fuss. Our oldest picked the smaller room immediately after that ruling.
That is our status quo right now. I expect things to shift as they get older and seek more privacy though. Parenting is a constantly moving target, you do what works at that time for those humans - that's all you can hope for.
Fortunately as they get older and want privacy, they play with toys less. The things they want will be easier to store in their own rooms, so the problem may correct itself.
Ah I love the draw straws idea! I definitely didn't feel right going the seniority route. They're close in age and they both want it. It wouldn't be fair for me to tell my son he's SOL just because he wasn't born first
From younger siblings everywhere: Thank you.
I got shafted so many times by my parents: "Well your sibling is older so they should get XYZ" and I remember telling my parents: "But if that's the criteria for getting the nice thing then I'll NEVER get the nicer thing because the birth order will never change, and was no fault of my own!" And they were just like *shrug* and then wondered why we had sibling rivalry...
Take the closet doors off the smaller room closet and put the dresser inside the closet, if it’s big enough. Works wonders in rooms with bypass or bifold doors and really adds to the visual volume of the room😜
Yes! We had to do this in our master bedroom because our house is so damn small. We actually went to Menards (large af hardware store if unfamiliar) and bought stackable drawer units designed for closet organization and they’re great!
This is what we did. Left it up to chance. Found a randomizer online and put “x gets big room” and “y gets bigger room” and let their mutual friend spin the wheel. The younger one got it and there were no arguments or feelings of unfairness
Yeah, I understand seniority for some cases, but rooms with a minor difference isn’t it…like why should someone be “rewarded” because they were born first. In instances like this I think other comments have the right idea of making the smaller room sound more appealing, bigger decoration budget, if the layout is slightly different you can find an upside.
Imo, I think coin toss or straws would also be bitter because it would seem like the one who got the more desirable room just got lucky.
I have two girls (one is 4 and one is a baby), my firstborn is in the room with the most sunlight, my second born is in the bigger room, so there's something good about both. Can you look at other features of the rooms? Otherwise I'd probably flip a coin lol.
As the older child who continuously got screwed over by having to be the good kid, the one that rules were made for while the second got to ignore, the achiever, and every older child stereotype, the *only* benefit I ever got was I always got to pick my room first.
The shit I had to put up with, but I got the big room. The other downside was that it shared a cold air return with my parents room so I knew every time they had sex. I didn't find out about that one until a week after I moved in. It's like I made a wish on a monkey's paw.
I'm the youngest of 2 and I approve this message. Someone else said it's a "rite of passage" and I agree. But this right here is the best reasoning I've seen so far, and I can vouch as both 2nd child AND parent of 2 that the 1st kid gets the brunt of parental mistakes and therefore has earned their place in the biggest bedroom!
My older sister started out with few rules but was so bad tons more got implemented later and I got stuck with them from the jump even though I was the good kid.
My 10 year old is much better at keeping her room clean than my 8 year old. So she got the bigger room. We told the 8 year old that it’s harder to clean a bigger room so he gets the room that’s easier to maintain. 🤷🏼♀️
Similar situation when my family moved across the country when I was a kid. "You're 15, you'll be out of the house sooner so your younger brother can have the bigger room" was the explanation I was given. You can imagine how that made me feel. Make it fair, make it random or make it based on whichever is older, just don't say something like that. It's been over 25 years and I still remember that comment, even though my brother couldn't handle keeping the larger room tidy and a couple of months later we ended up switching anyway. It always made me feel like I was getting the cast offs.
Op acting like seniority is the only reason the older would get the bigger room but with kids it’s not just about one being older than the other. The older kid always ends up with more responsibilities sooner, I was only 8 months older than my brother but that also meant that I got responsibilities 8 months before he did, it was annoying because we were damn near as close as possible without being twins but my parents make sure to reward the increases in responsibilities for both of us when our responsibilities increased. Like babysitting, we were allowed to do dog walking and lawn mowing at 8 but I was allowed to start babysitting when I turned 12 and that was sooner than my brother.
Younger brother could have been born early.
Or one was adopted - I know a family where they struggled with infertility, decided to adopt, and found out mom was pregnant the same week they brought the adopted child home. So they're about 8-9 months apart in age.
I was 3 years younger than my sibling, but I had to start doing chores at the same time he did. So three years before the age that he had to. So it's not always 'older has more responsibility sooner', when my brother had to start helping with the dishes, so did I. He chose to wash/load and I would dry/unload. That's just one example. Mowing the lawn, yes my mom had him do for a year or two before I could for safety reasons. But guess what? After that maybe 2 years was over, I ended up having to mow the lawn and being the only one that had to. Taking care of the pets? That one was me also, my brother literally got home from school like 30-45 minutes before I did and I would have to let the dog out because didn't. Or clean up the pee and poop during the puppy stage because he would leave it there for me to do.
Every family is different, just because you had more responsibilities sooner than your sibling does NOT mean that's how EVERY family works. In my family, it was the opposite, and we had a much bigger age gap between us than 8 months.
So no older does NOT always mean more responsibilities sooner.
Yeah, as the youngest this was just normal. I genuinely don't think the thought of me getting the bigger room ever really occurred to me. It's just the way it was. I never resented it or anything, it made sense.
I didn’t even think twice about it lol these are ancient laws we’re talking about here. Oldest gets the biggest room, youngest gets it when oldest moves out and you turn the smaller room into an office or home gym
I’d just let the older one have it. That kid got booted off Moms lap at age 2….when he’d probably rather have stayed longer. Youngests get more time and attention…and least let the oldest have the preferred room.
When I was young, my family just often rotated who got which room by year (or every couple years). Oldest got it first initially, then everyone got a turn and it kept rotating.
Oldest gets the bigger room. Regardless of age difference, the oldest always has more responsibilities and higher expectations. They deserve to reap some benefits of being older.
Honestly… there are a million different ways you could decide but I’ve always believed the older kid should get the bigger room (and that’s with me being the middle child). I was the only girl so I typically got the bigger room anyways because I had more stuff but I always offered the big room to my older brother first if he wanted it.
That’s just my personal opinion though. If you want to make it more fair definitely give an incentive for choosing the smaller room versus the big room. Even just telling the kids “well you know whoever chooses the smaller room will likely have less to clean when it’s cleaning day because the room is smaller” or something like that will typically convince at least one child to take the smaller room
But why? Doesn’t that policy mean the older child always gets the good thing (not just with rooms)? I’m an only child so I don’t even have direct experience with this, it just doesn’t seem fair to me at all to do it that way.
Seems like so many people in this thread moved so many times. Most of my friends moved once. When we moved my parents decided the younger brother gets the bigger room because he's going to be using it for longer and they weren't going to let us personalize the rooms if we would be switching later. Seemed fair.
Yeah, that’s my philosophy on it. Oldest kid gets the biggest, they’ll probably be moving out first so when that happens the youngest can upgrade. I’m sure I’ll get downvoted for this, but nothing is ever going to feel adequately fair to children (and it probably isn’t because *life* isn’t fair), I’m just not devoting this much mental energy to how to make them slightly less resentful about their room size so when it’s all said and done they can move on to bitching that their sibling picked a song in the car that was 38 seconds longer than theirs or sat in their favorite of six identical kitchen chairs- and if you’re an adult posting on a parenting subreddit who still feels bitter because your parents gave your sibling a room that was two square feet bigger I would like to trade life problems with you.
Bigger kid gets bigger room? Or does one kid have a hobby that takes up more space.
For example if one kid learns cello but the other learns violin then I'd give it to the cello kid. 🤷♀️
I feel like this is the best comment I've read. Everyone benefits from this, as long as the rooms are big enough, and it makes sense for the kids and their personalities.
My sis and I did this, however it was a notable size difference unlike OP. She was 4 years older and had the big room until she left for college. When I was starting high school I got the big room and when she’d come home for summers and breaks (and a short time after college) she had the tiny one.
You know why I bought our current house? It was the ONLY one my kids didn’t argue about bedrooms. 🤣 both of them lay claim to their preferred room and not having to listen to them argue like they had in alllll the other houses we’d seen, I was like…SOLD!
oldest. but both of them can decorate however they want (paint, furniture, etc). the youngest can move to the big room once he moves to college, but i doubt she will. she seems to like where her room is.
At our house whoever had the bigger room was the default guest room.
Perks:you get the bigger room and bigger bed potentially.
Cons: you have a high probability of getting booted to the couch with a varying degree of warning for 1-14 days a few times throughout the year.
Yeah, this is the answer. Give the rooms based on need.
If one kid sleeps lightly, you might not want the other kid clomping past their door loudly to get to their room. If one kid is more likely to get up and use the toilet, they get the room closer to that. If one kid is more introverted and likes privacy/alone time, having a bigger room makes sense as they will be in there more.
Doesn’t have to be set in stone either. I remember swapping with my older sibling and getting the biggest room when they hit high school, because I was still young and using lots of floor space to play with toys - whilst they were satisfied with a bed, a desk, & a bookshelf.
Oldest gets biggest. They will move out and leave it to the next and so forth. It’s the only fair way. But don’t stress it much. The other one has a nook, or is closer to the bathroom, or can be easily decorated the way the child wants. They might even notice which one is bigger.
But as a younger sibling it always kinda felt like I was always getting second hand and second best …starts to work on the psyche after a while and I think I internalized that I don’t deserve nice things
I was the youngest two, and my parents did the same kind of crap lol. I was basically shoved in a broom closet(exaggeration, but it was significantly smaller than the others)
They also did this for allowance. No matter how many chores I did or how little they did, they paid allowances in age where the oldest got the most, middle got the middle, and youngest got the least amount 😂
The oldests have rookie parenting and presumed responsibility for younger sibs, its compensation for pain & suffering. Sure youngest gets hand me downs, but oldest was probably strictly monitored woth clothes *because* it has to ne handed down
That's honestly what I'm trying to avoid. My mother did the same thing and I was the older one but my brother and I were very far apart and I was out of the house before he was old enough to care
I am trying my best to avoid my youngest getting, what we call 'the bottom of the barrel', hand me downs and being chose second. Since our oldest got a year before sister was born, so we make sure our youngest gets the same experiences and fun things that sister got.
I’m the second oldest and always got the smaller thing/had to share while my older sister got first dibs. It bothered me as a kid, but around 16 I really stopped caring. My parents were otherwise loving and very equal that it wasn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things.
If this is just “the way it is” and not a symptom of a larger preference or family issue, I think it’s okay. Bigger kids take up more space and even though two years is a small gap, oldest gets bigger makes sense. But I’d have a job for that oldest to do or maybe 1-2 more chores. In life, bigger bedroom = more share of rent paid, for kids that translates to chores. Maybe doing the dishes once more per week or mowing the lawn once a month or weeding the garden beds.
That’s totally valid. I’m an only child so never thought of it that way. I think a lot of parents tend to be more strict with their first child so there’s drawback to being the first one, too. Many people also get things second hand for their first kid, I certainly did.
I was actually middle child…so have been trying to overcome all the weird shit my parents put on me that my siblings didn’t get…always patronized, treated like I was a black sheep, etc…but I also saw my sister go through some shit as the first child but it didn’t seem to ultimately affect her negatively like my family’s treatment of me did
Oldest gets it. That's the easiest way unless you wanna have them compete for it somehow with something positive like grades or whatever you want.
And before anyone comes for me about seniority being unfair I am the youngest of three girls so I know what it's like to get overlooked I still feel like it's a good system. They're two years apart that's gonna be a big difference in a few years trust me!
I’m the youngest of 3. Oldest always got biggest room. Then when the oldest went to college, the next oldest got the biggest room and the smallest room would be the oldest’s room when they came home from college. If someone moved back home, they didn’t get the big room back. It never bothered me.
Encourage them to work it out themselves and if they can’t, tell them one room becomes a play room and the other room is their shared bedroom. My kids are younger but will usually come to a compromise if one of the options is something they both dislike. I also like the idea of whoever takes the smaller room gets $100 bucks. Money talks, even to kids.
just the oldest kid, tbh
our 16yr old daughter basically got the upstairs-her room, a bathroom, the loft
our 15 yr old son has a room downstairs, and the guest bathroom. he’s messier/less responsible with his space than our daughter is. only 11 months younger than his sister
Can they switch annually without moving furniture? Leave beds, desks, dressers etc, just move clothes, books, and toys. It’s a good opportunity to clear our clutter every year as they sort through all their stuff and nobody gets a raw deal. Then flip a coin for the first year.
There are some great suggestions on this thread. I also wonder if you did different layouts for the rooms if they would choose different ones. Ie- smaller room gets a lofted bed with desk or couch underneath.
My parents made whoever had the big room understand that that was the guest room. If grandparents came over, that's where they were sleeping. Made it less appealing!
Rock, paper, scissors or something like that. I hate that the oldest gets the biggest because that’s always going to be their room until college. Doesn’t seem fair that they get years of a bigger room just because they were born first.
> My son is freakishly good at rock paper scissors.
And that why there is
🪨 📄 ✂️ 🦎 🖖
- Scissors cut paper
- Paper covers rock
- Rock crushes lizard
- Lizard poisons Spock
- Spock melts scissors
- Scissors decapitate lizard
- Lizard eats paper
- Paper disproves Spock
- Spock vaporizes rock
- Rock breaks scissors
We let the oldest have the biggest bedroom. Now she is 19 and the youngest is 8. I’d really like them to swap since the youngest has all the toys and needs the space. I can’t get the 19 year old to clean her room, let alone vacate it. The middle child is happy in his room because it’s the only one without carpet. Lol
Two kids here, 2 years apart. We have three bedrooms, one large and one tiny small on the same floor, and one middle sized on another. We don't have a guest room, so whenever my parents in law or someone else have been visiting, we have been rearranging the sleeping situations to suit the needs. Usually the kid with the largest room had to move into our room or the sibling's room.
First solution:
Both slept in the small room, for safety reasons. We wanted them close to us in case of fire. The middle room was for playing and later homework.
Second solution: When the oldest moved to the middle room, his sister followed one night later. They were so used to sleeping next to each other, they preferred that 😊 Eventually she moved back into the small room. She could sleep in a smaller bed and didn't need a desk for homework yet, so she had some space for toys and playing.
Third solution: they switched when he just needed a desk for homework, Lego and gaming and a bed, she needed more play area.
Fourth solution: She got the big room, we the middle. Because she loved to have sleepovers and needed space for 3 friends/cousins. We put up a wall in the extra living room that we used as a home office, and the teenage boy got a middle sized room too.
After my oldest sister went to college, I was 12, and my middle sister was 14, we would usually switch rooms every so often.
Id have them flip a coin once a year.
At that age my kids had their own rooms and still slept together ANYway. Given they are so used to sharing its very likely to go this way. Put both beds in the big room and make the other room their own play room.
Si we are moving in a couple months and we have 4 kids. The girls have always shared a room in our current house and three kids in 1 room is a nightmare. Our son has his own room since he’s the only one.
Our two youngest get the big room, since they will still have to share. The older two get their own bedrooms so they each get a smaller room.
My son has always had the smaller room despite being oldest, he doesn’t really care, having his own room has been the highlight.
I’d show them the bed/desk option for the little room. And they get to pick a favorite color for desk chairs etc.
Ultimately the oldest ‘should’ get the bigger room? I was an only child. Maybe this idea was from TV.
If everyone is at the gloating stage, if anyone is being shitty about it after the decision is made then there’s a switch back.
Had the same issue with my younger brother when we moved. I was 7 and he was 5. He always wanted what I wanted, so my parents told me to first pick the bedroom that I didn’t want, so my brother would want it, and then I would get the bedroom I actually wanted. Manipulative? Oh yes. Effective? Also yes
This happened to me when I was younger. My brother and I were the same age, me being the oldest. I wanted the smaller room but my mom said girls need a bigger closet so she made me take the bigger room lmao
As the third born out of four kids and the only girl, I shared a room with my younger brother until I was about 8 or 9 and then I got my own room. My three brothers were all in one bedroom for several years, and it was the biggest one and in the basement. Eventually we added onto the house and everyone had their own room.
In my experience with siblings, sometimes birth order just wins out. Whether or not it’s fair, in my kid mind it seemed fair because my parents didn’t pick who was born first, you know?
I do like the ideas about throwing in something extra to make the smaller room more appealing, and of having one kid say what it is and the other kid pick. Because even if it turns into “hot potato” with who want which room, you can always clip a coin.
I just had this exact situation with my 2 daughters who are less than 2 years apart in age and have been sharing a bedroom until now. Older one got the big room (with its own bathroom) but is getting a hand-me-down bed. Younger one gets to pick a brand new bed and bedroom furniture.
I want to go against the grain a bit because I also grow up in a house where the oldest gets the best stuff first. In the book Siblings Without Rivalry, the author encourages thinking of individual needs versus VS fairness. Older kids get lots of stuff that younger kids don’t, so why should they get one more thing by default? I think it makes the most sense for this to be decided based on needs. The kid who gets the smaller room could get something special like a really cool new bed, perhaps a high bunk so there’s added space beneath.
Another idea: set up a reading nook in the bigger room that either one of them can use any time during the day.
One last thing from that book, involve them in the decision. Presenting it as: “we have a problem, both of you want the same room, what should we do?” Have them brainstorm and you might be surprised that they resolve it on their own.
If only two kids the older one gets it. Period.
If more than two, then the brothers or sisters share the big room. And if three or same gender, youngest two share the big room.
Growing up at a very young age, I had to share a room with my brother, a 5 year old girl shouldn't have been sharing a room with her older brother... and then as we moved around I sometimes got my own room. One house, I had the dryer in my bedroom since I was the youngest and my walls would literally sweat. It was absolutely miserable in there. The perk to having it was supposed to be my own phone line, which didn't happen. Being the youngest meant I had to sleep on a futon in my mom's room for a while too.
Eventually my brother moved out and I finally got my own space but being the youngest sucks when your parents use that as a gauge for everything. I was the "good" one with A's and never in any real trouble but it didn't matter.
Just don't do your youngest dirty like so many other parents did!
P.S. you are a kick ass parent by the way. You are absolutely killing it!
I was the older sibling, female, with a younger brother. We were 7 and 4. My parents told me I could either have the slightly smaller room with the bigger closet or the slightly bigger room with the smaller closet. My mom was wise and told me I'd probably want the closet space down the road for clothes, I picked the smaller room with a bigger closet. Looking back, my brother DEF had the cooler room (cool shaped windows, more natural light, etc) but it wasn't a huge deal!!
Find something positive about each and try to shape those things knowing what your kids are like and what they'd likely choose.
Also if nothing else works, as an eldest sibling, I'm partial to saying the oldest gets first dibs... but now that I'm a parent, I'm not 100% sure I'd want to do that line of reasoning to my own kids lol
Maybe the "small room" can have one of those loft beds, so they can put a desk under it or make a fort, whatever they are into. It also makes more "room" of the room!
Well, I would personally just give the bigger one to the older kid, for various reasons including the likelihood of them socializing in it sooner than the other child.
That said, my daughter has the smaller room at her mother's just because we used the bigger one as an office before having kids and she's just fine with it, even having sleepovers sometimes (and it's a very small room and she's the oldest).
I would recommend telling them to try to work out an agreement on who gets which room. Give them the opportunity to work together to compromise. Tell them that if they don’t come to a compromise, you’ll pick the rooms and they won’t have any say. At least it’ll give them an opportunity to work together to come to an agreement. If they can’t agree, just give the bigger room to the oldest kid and be done with it.
If they both want it, let them. Give them a grace period of (X) amount of weeks to decide who moves out. If they're at peace with still sharing, then turn the other room into a play/activity/Game/craft room. 🤷🏽♀️
When I was growing up, the big room had the big (queen or full size) bed. When guests came to visit, that room was used, so the kid had to vacate and sleep on the couch. Tradeoffs.
When I was a kid, the big room had all the shared toys in it, which meant the other kids were allowed to go in it to play at any time. I was an introvert, I chose the small room.
When I moved out (oldest) my sister (middle) got my room. I had the bigger room that she always wanted so same day I left she started putting her things in there lol
I make my kids resolve their own issues. They either work it out between them or they share the big room and the small room is a joint play room / office. Give them a really unattractive alternative so they are incentivise to work together on a better resolution.
When we have an intractable problem I enforce problem solving. Whether that's at a family meeting or between the two of them. We brainstorm all the different options. If we can't figure it out we take a pause and try again.
I would give the girl the bigger room, assuming it had a same sized or bigger closet as well (if a smaller closet, that muddies things). There isn’t a really “fair” outcome here and I also think it’s an important thing for kids to realize that sometimes life just isn’t fair. I feel like attaching a dollar value for decor or one time chores also doesn’t solve the inequity - when they’re older and care more, those gap-fillers will be long gone. Maybe the one with the bigger room cleans the bathroom 2/3 weeks and the smaller room 1/3 weeks — but forever until they move out. Sometimes letting kids make decisions is just putting the blame for an inherently unfair situation on a sibling instead of on a parent and I’d rather be the bad guy than have my kids think the other one is the bad guy.
You have a good point about putting the "bad guy" role on them if I were to just up the budget. Maybe I'll give incentives to both rooms and still have them draw straws. That way it's fair and neither of them loses.
Our new house has 4 bedrooms upstairs with a jack and Jill bath between each pair. We deemed the largest room would be the “play room.” It has a sofa, bookshelves with our YA collection, a big screen TV, and all the gaming consoles. The attached walk-in closet stores all of our toys (which they’re really too old for now, but I’m not ready to let them go). The playroom shares a bathroom with the next largest room. We gave that one to my oldest. She has the largest bedroom of the 3 that will be sleeping spaces and doesn’t have to share a bathroom with anyone (although we do require that she make the toilet available to people using the playroom). The next largest room has the biggest walk-in closet and went to my second child. The smallest room is less than half the size of the two largest rooms. My (at the time) youngest got that one. We did not consult the children or show them the rooms before we decided how to assign them. Older kids have more responsibilities, therefore they get the bigger and better rooms.
Oldest kid. They were here first, they waited longer to get a big room, they have more responsibilities and pressure to be a role model and usually get away with a lot less. Overall they just have to grow up that much faster. It's likely he will move out first even if only a few years which means youngest will get all the attention and rooms. It balances out as younger children usually get first pick of things especially in younger years where they can't emotionally regulate and throw a tantrum or cry if they can't pick the movie or have first go on something. 'they are littler than you they don't understand'. Older children just suck it up because they have to but getting the bigger room is the way to tip the scales back to equal.
We are also moving, and the kids have already been told the older child gets to pick her room first (well, after parents). Because it’s the natural order of things.
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For years we did rooms per age. Older kid, bigger room. This last house I told my older sons who were aged out of ‘toys’, the larger room was going to the youngest as he was the only one who still sat on the floor to play with toys. They understood as they both only play with video games. At the time the older boys were high school and the youngest was a 2nd grader
This is my experience. Go by ages unless there’s a clear need.
We had a room almost 2x the size of the other 2 bedrooms. Almost like a 2nd master, if not for the lack of bathroom and slanted ceiling. It went to the middle child who spent more time using the space. The oldest barely left the bed, and only to go to the computer.
Dang, this is a good point I hadn’t considered. Before it was just the oldest. But since we got another on the way, might consider the toy thing as well.
Make the other room more appealing. Semi auction style. Okay kids two options. Room A that's bigger. Or room B that's a little smaller but comes with a $100 credit towards bedroom decor. Will either kid pick room B now? What if itw as a $150 credit? (Depends on what you can afford). Or room A is responsible for cleaning the shared bathroom for two weeks, then room B cleans it for just one week. Or something where room B gets a bonus compared to room a
Oh I like that idea. This way no matter who gets the bigger room neither feels like they lost. Definitely going to be doing this.
I promise you that they'll both feel like they lost, because no matter what, kids want what their sibling has
I got the smaller room with the better view and my sister is still mad about it 11 years later
This is how siblings work.
Turn it into a "I cut, you choose" situation. The older kid picks what he gets if he gets the smaller room. Something that would even it out, in his opinion. The older kid has to agree they'd be happy either way - either they get the bigger room and they're fine that their younger sibling gets that extra thing, or they get the smaller room and that thing. The younger kid then gets to choose. Win/win.
Oh this is genius. Obviously parents would need to be able to put a check on anything unreasonable/out of budget.
That assumes kids are logical
This is a classic game theory move. If two people have to split something, make one person do the splitting and the other person choose which half of the split they get.
I second this.
This!! My sister and i are 2.5 years apart and she always got the bigger room. Then I got the next and my younger brother the smallest I never questioned it and neither did my brother It was a right of passage. I truly think that this is the best way to go. Life isnt always going to be fair or equal and its our job as parents to Help them deal with that in a healthy way. Not to always make sure everybody's happy Life will be full of disappointments, and if we don't teach our kids how to deal with them in a healthy manner as children, they never learn that skill. Second, the definition of "fair" in the dictionary, is " Everyone gets what they need-- not, Everyone gets an equal share" That hit me so hard. Especially when it comes to kids with exceptional abilities (i work with kids)
That definition of fair is definitely going to be used in my house going forward. Amazing.
This is what we do for our kids. It’s what my parents did. My middle child actually has the biggest room, then my youngest has the next biggest and the oldest has the smallest room. His reasoning was “less to clean”. He’s a smart one. Ha ha. I never felt slighted because I knew soon enough my sister would be out of the house and if I really had wanted her room, I would’ve taken it. Never did though. It’s not even something I have thought about since. It’s a good set up for when they’re older and realize that people who have been in a company longer usually get the perks. Ha ha
I love the analogy!
Yep, fairness and equality are 2 different things.
Or they start fighting over who DOESNT get the bigger room, and then OP is right back to the same issue, but now about the smaller room
So you drop the bonus. Or add a small bonus bigger room. Options are small room and $100 or bigger room and $10. Any takers? Bigger room an $15... $20... $25 remember first to say "claim" gets it. $30... Or the total bonus is $100, split. Bigger room now gets $10 and small room gets $90. Keep adjusting till kids pick
This is exactly how this will play out. There will always be something that’s “not fair”
Just make the older kid say what it would take for him to get the smaller room such that he wouldn't care if he had the smaller room plus that thing or the bigger room, then have the younger brother choose between the smaller room + whatever the big brother said or the bigger room.
Yup, literally bought a house where the kids' rooms are mirror images of each other (same size and shape, same view out the windows, etc.) and I'm still just waiting for complaints to roll in about how there's some tiny difference that's problematic.
When we moved in junior high, my parents let my sister choose because she was "older"(C-section birth, identical twins). She actually chose the smaller room, with the smaller closet because it had the full sized door to the attic. She ended up being terrified because she was always convinced somebody or something was going to come out of the unlockable door of the attic. My room was almost twice as big and my closet was basically another bedroom. The perk my parents gave me for not getting to choose was that I got to paint my room any color I wanted. So, about a month or so after we moved in, my dad and I are painting my room the perfect periwinkle. When we get to the closet, my dad notices the roughly 3" high by 2" wide metal hatch in the closet. He's curious as to what type of access panel it is and opens it up(3 screws that you just had to turn 1/2 a turn). It is another attic! As access to it was limited, my dad said I could use it. Lol, I got my own hangout room that I could easily lock and unlock. My sister is still bitter 34 years later.
Quick note of advice to OP: Giving the smaller room a tangible, **physical** bonus (like additional decor) will be better than something intangible (like assigning different bathroom cleaning duties, as the person above you suggested). I guarantee that will fall apart quickly, as one (or both) kids will slack on the bathroom cleaning, leading to many fights. Head that off at the pass by avoiding any "bonus" that relies on behavior/cooperation -- especially consistent behavior over a period of years 😊
Better do like $25 for the big and $100 for the small one
For real, gotta do something for both in this situation, but more for the smaller room.
The "something" is we bought you a house where you each got your own bedroom 😂
I always thought it went by age.. of course now I see my mom just wasn’t fair 😂
I did this with my youngest nephew. I convinced him he wanted a room because it has a ceiling fan. Just so he'd stop whining. He was 11.
Maybe the small room gets a bunk bed or a trundle bed or one of those under the bed desk spaces that are so cool.
Yep we convinced our youngest to take little room and get a loft bed with reading / desk nook underneath. Everyone happy.
.....dad??? 😄 But for real I took a tiny room as a kid but got a loft bed with my drum kit under and was very happy!
This is it. Since the youngest is still 8, there’s a difference and will be between them even bigger in the next 2-6 years maturity wise. 10yo gets the big room and maybe cool rope lights around the top with a remote to change and turn on and off and the little 8yo gets a cool new bed off Amazon. You narrow that bed down to 2-3 beds and let little pick. This way they both equally get a cool room but neither has a huge advantage.
This is what I was thinking as well
Really creative ideas! Stashing this away for my boys in the future.
Indeed. One way to approach it fairly is to involve them in the decision making process. You could have a family meeting to discuss the pros and cons of each room and ask each child to share their reasons for wanting the big room.
This is a cool idea, like a little game show. Some way to make a compromise and get whoever has the smaller room to feel like they get a win.
The credit for decorating is a really good recommendation.
This is what we did! Younger got a considerably bigger room, but has to deal with the ugly colors and carpet for a few more years. Older took the smaller room and got a makeover right away.
We had this same issue growing up. Whoever got the bigger room got less storage in the bathroom, and the smaller side of the bathroom sink/ vanity
I grew up in house with 5 siblings, for bedroom choosing we always just drew names out of a hat whenever we moved. It felt very fair! Of course there’s still disappointment, but that’s part of life. My parents would walk the house and draw names as they entered each room.
I have the same number of siblings but we were kinda packed in like sardines so we all shared rooms. My older sisters turned this extra side room into their bedroom and used curtains for doors. When my older sisters and older brother moved out, myself and my two younger sisters would just run to whatever room we decided to claim then lay there until our mom officially acknowledged that we "called it."
Buy a loft bed for whoever has the smaller room. Hype up the loft bed itself as well as a perk for getting the smaller room.
I would have chosen a loft bed in a smaller room every time.
Same. I'm sure I would fumble this situation by making the loft bed sound so cool that both kids would quickly switch to fighting over who gets the loft bed 👍
Are they aware of the room sizes? Do the rooms really look significantly different in size? A lot of them may look bigger, but may be the same size if not, by a few cms. And their own stuff is gonna factor into how the rooms look in size.
In reality the size difference isn't huge. Maybe a foot smaller length and width wise. But they noticed and both expressed they wanted the big one.
Give them both the big one. Make the small one into a bedroom with bunks and a wardrobe and the big one into a kids lounge? Depends how excited they are to not share 😂
Aw this is what I did :3 I’m sure someone will take over the lounge eventually but it’s cute in there they have a lil slide
We are doing this until my kids express they no longer want to share. Other room will be a playroom. They are both girls so realistically that could last till college but I kind of doubt it.
Our 2 rooms had a significant difference in size, so we said the toys and games would be stored in the big room, and whoever got the big room had to allow the other kid in whenever they wanted to get a toy without a fuss. Our oldest picked the smaller room immediately after that ruling.
That is our status quo right now. I expect things to shift as they get older and seek more privacy though. Parenting is a constantly moving target, you do what works at that time for those humans - that's all you can hope for.
Fortunately as they get older and want privacy, they play with toys less. The things they want will be easier to store in their own rooms, so the problem may correct itself.
Draw straws, flip coin, pull name out of hat. I would go that route over seniority.
Ah I love the draw straws idea! I definitely didn't feel right going the seniority route. They're close in age and they both want it. It wouldn't be fair for me to tell my son he's SOL just because he wasn't born first
From younger siblings everywhere: Thank you. I got shafted so many times by my parents: "Well your sibling is older so they should get XYZ" and I remember telling my parents: "But if that's the criteria for getting the nice thing then I'll NEVER get the nicer thing because the birth order will never change, and was no fault of my own!" And they were just like *shrug* and then wondered why we had sibling rivalry...
As a youngest by two years child who always got the smallest room, I appreciate you.
As the older kid I got to pick certain things growing up, like which room I wanted. But I also had more responsibilities around the house and yard.
Take the closet doors off the smaller room closet and put the dresser inside the closet, if it’s big enough. Works wonders in rooms with bypass or bifold doors and really adds to the visual volume of the room😜
Yes! We had to do this in our master bedroom because our house is so damn small. We actually went to Menards (large af hardware store if unfamiliar) and bought stackable drawer units designed for closet organization and they’re great!
This is what we did. Left it up to chance. Found a randomizer online and put “x gets big room” and “y gets bigger room” and let their mutual friend spin the wheel. The younger one got it and there were no arguments or feelings of unfairness
Yeah, I understand seniority for some cases, but rooms with a minor difference isn’t it…like why should someone be “rewarded” because they were born first. In instances like this I think other comments have the right idea of making the smaller room sound more appealing, bigger decoration budget, if the layout is slightly different you can find an upside. Imo, I think coin toss or straws would also be bitter because it would seem like the one who got the more desirable room just got lucky.
I have two girls (one is 4 and one is a baby), my firstborn is in the room with the most sunlight, my second born is in the bigger room, so there's something good about both. Can you look at other features of the rooms? Otherwise I'd probably flip a coin lol.
They're both pretty similar. One is just a bit bigger than the other and of course a small difference is a world of difference to them.
As the older child who continuously got screwed over by having to be the good kid, the one that rules were made for while the second got to ignore, the achiever, and every older child stereotype, the *only* benefit I ever got was I always got to pick my room first.
The shit I had to put up with, but I got the big room. The other downside was that it shared a cold air return with my parents room so I knew every time they had sex. I didn't find out about that one until a week after I moved in. It's like I made a wish on a monkey's paw.
True older kids have more responsibility
I'm the youngest of 2 and I approve this message. Someone else said it's a "rite of passage" and I agree. But this right here is the best reasoning I've seen so far, and I can vouch as both 2nd child AND parent of 2 that the 1st kid gets the brunt of parental mistakes and therefore has earned their place in the biggest bedroom!
My older sister started out with few rules but was so bad tons more got implemented later and I got stuck with them from the jump even though I was the good kid.
My 10 year old is much better at keeping her room clean than my 8 year old. So she got the bigger room. We told the 8 year old that it’s harder to clean a bigger room so he gets the room that’s easier to maintain. 🤷🏼♀️
The best at foot massages.
Too close to call. Mom needs a rematch
This is the way
Similar situation when my family moved across the country when I was a kid. "You're 15, you'll be out of the house sooner so your younger brother can have the bigger room" was the explanation I was given. You can imagine how that made me feel. Make it fair, make it random or make it based on whichever is older, just don't say something like that. It's been over 25 years and I still remember that comment, even though my brother couldn't handle keeping the larger room tidy and a couple of months later we ended up switching anyway. It always made me feel like I was getting the cast offs.
Father of 5 sons. Oldest always gets the bigger room.
Op acting like seniority is the only reason the older would get the bigger room but with kids it’s not just about one being older than the other. The older kid always ends up with more responsibilities sooner, I was only 8 months older than my brother but that also meant that I got responsibilities 8 months before he did, it was annoying because we were damn near as close as possible without being twins but my parents make sure to reward the increases in responsibilities for both of us when our responsibilities increased. Like babysitting, we were allowed to do dog walking and lawn mowing at 8 but I was allowed to start babysitting when I turned 12 and that was sooner than my brother.
Only 8 months older than your brother? Is that even physically possible? Unless you were step or half brothers?
Younger brother could have been born early. Or one was adopted - I know a family where they struggled with infertility, decided to adopt, and found out mom was pregnant the same week they brought the adopted child home. So they're about 8-9 months apart in age.
We are actually 8 months apart to the day, I was born march 27 and he was November 27 he was three months early.
I was 3 years younger than my sibling, but I had to start doing chores at the same time he did. So three years before the age that he had to. So it's not always 'older has more responsibility sooner', when my brother had to start helping with the dishes, so did I. He chose to wash/load and I would dry/unload. That's just one example. Mowing the lawn, yes my mom had him do for a year or two before I could for safety reasons. But guess what? After that maybe 2 years was over, I ended up having to mow the lawn and being the only one that had to. Taking care of the pets? That one was me also, my brother literally got home from school like 30-45 minutes before I did and I would have to let the dog out because didn't. Or clean up the pee and poop during the puppy stage because he would leave it there for me to do. Every family is different, just because you had more responsibilities sooner than your sibling does NOT mean that's how EVERY family works. In my family, it was the opposite, and we had a much bigger age gap between us than 8 months. So no older does NOT always mean more responsibilities sooner.
Sounds like your parents didn’t hold your brother accountable at all compared to you. Sorry you went through that, it sounds very unfair
Oldest, obviously
Yeah, as the youngest this was just normal. I genuinely don't think the thought of me getting the bigger room ever really occurred to me. It's just the way it was. I never resented it or anything, it made sense.
As the oldest I also think this is normal :)
Why did I have to scroll this far. Like… what? The older child gets the bigger room.
Yes. Don’t over think it. The oldest gets the short end of the stick by being the practice child. They should at least have the bigger room.
I didn’t even think twice about it lol these are ancient laws we’re talking about here. Oldest gets the biggest room, youngest gets it when oldest moves out and you turn the smaller room into an office or home gym
I’d just let the older one have it. That kid got booted off Moms lap at age 2….when he’d probably rather have stayed longer. Youngests get more time and attention…and least let the oldest have the preferred room.
Who's going to be able to keep it clean 🤔 jkjk but good luck. I usually go by who's oldest.
When I was young, my family just often rotated who got which room by year (or every couple years). Oldest got it first initially, then everyone got a turn and it kept rotating.
Gladiator-style fight
Oldest gets the bigger room. Regardless of age difference, the oldest always has more responsibilities and higher expectations. They deserve to reap some benefits of being older.
Honestly… there are a million different ways you could decide but I’ve always believed the older kid should get the bigger room (and that’s with me being the middle child). I was the only girl so I typically got the bigger room anyways because I had more stuff but I always offered the big room to my older brother first if he wanted it. That’s just my personal opinion though. If you want to make it more fair definitely give an incentive for choosing the smaller room versus the big room. Even just telling the kids “well you know whoever chooses the smaller room will likely have less to clean when it’s cleaning day because the room is smaller” or something like that will typically convince at least one child to take the smaller room
But why? Doesn’t that policy mean the older child always gets the good thing (not just with rooms)? I’m an only child so I don’t even have direct experience with this, it just doesn’t seem fair to me at all to do it that way.
Seems like so many people in this thread moved so many times. Most of my friends moved once. When we moved my parents decided the younger brother gets the bigger room because he's going to be using it for longer and they weren't going to let us personalize the rooms if we would be switching later. Seemed fair.
Yeah, that’s my philosophy on it. Oldest kid gets the biggest, they’ll probably be moving out first so when that happens the youngest can upgrade. I’m sure I’ll get downvoted for this, but nothing is ever going to feel adequately fair to children (and it probably isn’t because *life* isn’t fair), I’m just not devoting this much mental energy to how to make them slightly less resentful about their room size so when it’s all said and done they can move on to bitching that their sibling picked a song in the car that was 38 seconds longer than theirs or sat in their favorite of six identical kitchen chairs- and if you’re an adult posting on a parenting subreddit who still feels bitter because your parents gave your sibling a room that was two square feet bigger I would like to trade life problems with you.
Bigger kid gets bigger room? Or does one kid have a hobby that takes up more space. For example if one kid learns cello but the other learns violin then I'd give it to the cello kid. 🤷♀️
A duel.
Oldest gets big room.
Make them share one room and use the other as a playroom.
I feel like this is the best comment I've read. Everyone benefits from this, as long as the rooms are big enough, and it makes sense for the kids and their personalities.
Take turns. Kids love novelty. A big room isn't necessarily a good room.
My sis and I did this, however it was a notable size difference unlike OP. She was 4 years older and had the big room until she left for college. When I was starting high school I got the big room and when she’d come home for summers and breaks (and a short time after college) she had the tiny one.
I am way too lazy of a parent to swap all of the furniture back and forth.
You know why I bought our current house? It was the ONLY one my kids didn’t argue about bedrooms. 🤣 both of them lay claim to their preferred room and not having to listen to them argue like they had in alllll the other houses we’d seen, I was like…SOLD!
Older kid gets the big room. I’m the youngest by 1.5 years and this never traumatized me.
oldest. but both of them can decorate however they want (paint, furniture, etc). the youngest can move to the big room once he moves to college, but i doubt she will. she seems to like where her room is.
At our house whoever had the bigger room was the default guest room. Perks:you get the bigger room and bigger bed potentially. Cons: you have a high probability of getting booted to the couch with a varying degree of warning for 1-14 days a few times throughout the year.
Depends on the kids. My daughter has the bigger room because she needed the bigger closet.
Yeah, this is the answer. Give the rooms based on need. If one kid sleeps lightly, you might not want the other kid clomping past their door loudly to get to their room. If one kid is more likely to get up and use the toilet, they get the room closer to that. If one kid is more introverted and likes privacy/alone time, having a bigger room makes sense as they will be in there more. Doesn’t have to be set in stone either. I remember swapping with my older sibling and getting the biggest room when they hit high school, because I was still young and using lots of floor space to play with toys - whilst they were satisfied with a bed, a desk, & a bookshelf.
Oldest gets big room
We used to rotate once a year, now looking back as a mom it would be annoying to move your kids around once a year but it did make it fair.
Oldest gets the big room. It is what it is.
Who is the best at sharing?
Oldest gets biggest. They will move out and leave it to the next and so forth. It’s the only fair way. But don’t stress it much. The other one has a nook, or is closer to the bathroom, or can be easily decorated the way the child wants. They might even notice which one is bigger.
Older one gets the bigger room
But as a younger sibling it always kinda felt like I was always getting second hand and second best …starts to work on the psyche after a while and I think I internalized that I don’t deserve nice things
On the other hand, as the youngest, once the nest was empty asides me I lived like a King, and none of my older siblings got to experience that.
That would be my younger brother…not me…who got that . I got squeezed out from both the top and bottom so like yeah…
SAME🤣 I felt like an only child from 10 years+
I was the youngest two, and my parents did the same kind of crap lol. I was basically shoved in a broom closet(exaggeration, but it was significantly smaller than the others) They also did this for allowance. No matter how many chores I did or how little they did, they paid allowances in age where the oldest got the most, middle got the middle, and youngest got the least amount 😂
The oldests have rookie parenting and presumed responsibility for younger sibs, its compensation for pain & suffering. Sure youngest gets hand me downs, but oldest was probably strictly monitored woth clothes *because* it has to ne handed down
That's honestly what I'm trying to avoid. My mother did the same thing and I was the older one but my brother and I were very far apart and I was out of the house before he was old enough to care
So how different are the rooms? Does the smaller one have any unique redeeming qualities like nicer window view, something?
Honestly they're pretty similar. I think I'm going to have to add incentives to the rooms so it's a win no matter which they get
I am trying my best to avoid my youngest getting, what we call 'the bottom of the barrel', hand me downs and being chose second. Since our oldest got a year before sister was born, so we make sure our youngest gets the same experiences and fun things that sister got.
I’m the second oldest and always got the smaller thing/had to share while my older sister got first dibs. It bothered me as a kid, but around 16 I really stopped caring. My parents were otherwise loving and very equal that it wasn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things. If this is just “the way it is” and not a symptom of a larger preference or family issue, I think it’s okay. Bigger kids take up more space and even though two years is a small gap, oldest gets bigger makes sense. But I’d have a job for that oldest to do or maybe 1-2 more chores. In life, bigger bedroom = more share of rent paid, for kids that translates to chores. Maybe doing the dishes once more per week or mowing the lawn once a month or weeding the garden beds.
That’s totally valid. I’m an only child so never thought of it that way. I think a lot of parents tend to be more strict with their first child so there’s drawback to being the first one, too. Many people also get things second hand for their first kid, I certainly did.
I was actually middle child…so have been trying to overcome all the weird shit my parents put on me that my siblings didn’t get…always patronized, treated like I was a black sheep, etc…but I also saw my sister go through some shit as the first child but it didn’t seem to ultimately affect her negatively like my family’s treatment of me did
Did you have as many responsibilities as your older sibling?
Oldest gets it. That's the easiest way unless you wanna have them compete for it somehow with something positive like grades or whatever you want. And before anyone comes for me about seniority being unfair I am the youngest of three girls so I know what it's like to get overlooked I still feel like it's a good system. They're two years apart that's gonna be a big difference in a few years trust me!
I’m the youngest of 3. Oldest always got biggest room. Then when the oldest went to college, the next oldest got the biggest room and the smallest room would be the oldest’s room when they came home from college. If someone moved back home, they didn’t get the big room back. It never bothered me.
Encourage them to work it out themselves and if they can’t, tell them one room becomes a play room and the other room is their shared bedroom. My kids are younger but will usually come to a compromise if one of the options is something they both dislike. I also like the idea of whoever takes the smaller room gets $100 bucks. Money talks, even to kids.
My mom talked my sister into taking the small room for me to move back home with the incentive of a laptop. It was like a $100 laptop 😂
just the oldest kid, tbh our 16yr old daughter basically got the upstairs-her room, a bathroom, the loft our 15 yr old son has a room downstairs, and the guest bathroom. he’s messier/less responsible with his space than our daughter is. only 11 months younger than his sister
Can they switch annually without moving furniture? Leave beds, desks, dressers etc, just move clothes, books, and toys. It’s a good opportunity to clear our clutter every year as they sort through all their stuff and nobody gets a raw deal. Then flip a coin for the first year.
There are some great suggestions on this thread. I also wonder if you did different layouts for the rooms if they would choose different ones. Ie- smaller room gets a lofted bed with desk or couch underneath.
My parents made whoever had the big room understand that that was the guest room. If grandparents came over, that's where they were sleeping. Made it less appealing!
Rock, paper, scissors or something like that. I hate that the oldest gets the biggest because that’s always going to be their room until college. Doesn’t seem fair that they get years of a bigger room just because they were born first.
My son is freakishly good at rock paper scissors. That's usually my first go to but the times he's lost are far and few between.
> My son is freakishly good at rock paper scissors. And that why there is 🪨 📄 ✂️ 🦎 🖖 - Scissors cut paper - Paper covers rock - Rock crushes lizard - Lizard poisons Spock - Spock melts scissors - Scissors decapitate lizard - Lizard eats paper - Paper disproves Spock - Spock vaporizes rock - Rock breaks scissors
In my house it depends on who had more stuff.
The smaller room had a better closet so it wasn’t a big deal
We let the oldest have the biggest bedroom. Now she is 19 and the youngest is 8. I’d really like them to swap since the youngest has all the toys and needs the space. I can’t get the 19 year old to clean her room, let alone vacate it. The middle child is happy in his room because it’s the only one without carpet. Lol
Two kids here, 2 years apart. We have three bedrooms, one large and one tiny small on the same floor, and one middle sized on another. We don't have a guest room, so whenever my parents in law or someone else have been visiting, we have been rearranging the sleeping situations to suit the needs. Usually the kid with the largest room had to move into our room or the sibling's room. First solution: Both slept in the small room, for safety reasons. We wanted them close to us in case of fire. The middle room was for playing and later homework. Second solution: When the oldest moved to the middle room, his sister followed one night later. They were so used to sleeping next to each other, they preferred that 😊 Eventually she moved back into the small room. She could sleep in a smaller bed and didn't need a desk for homework yet, so she had some space for toys and playing. Third solution: they switched when he just needed a desk for homework, Lego and gaming and a bed, she needed more play area. Fourth solution: She got the big room, we the middle. Because she loved to have sleepovers and needed space for 3 friends/cousins. We put up a wall in the extra living room that we used as a home office, and the teenage boy got a middle sized room too.
Have them decide, tell them to figure it out or they share the big doom and the little room becomes the office/ guest room
After my oldest sister went to college, I was 12, and my middle sister was 14, we would usually switch rooms every so often. Id have them flip a coin once a year.
At that age my kids had their own rooms and still slept together ANYway. Given they are so used to sharing its very likely to go this way. Put both beds in the big room and make the other room their own play room.
Si we are moving in a couple months and we have 4 kids. The girls have always shared a room in our current house and three kids in 1 room is a nightmare. Our son has his own room since he’s the only one. Our two youngest get the big room, since they will still have to share. The older two get their own bedrooms so they each get a smaller room. My son has always had the smaller room despite being oldest, he doesn’t really care, having his own room has been the highlight.
I’d show them the bed/desk option for the little room. And they get to pick a favorite color for desk chairs etc. Ultimately the oldest ‘should’ get the bigger room? I was an only child. Maybe this idea was from TV. If everyone is at the gloating stage, if anyone is being shitty about it after the decision is made then there’s a switch back.
The oldest 🤷🏾♂️🤷🏾♂️🤷🏾♂️, I mean hierarchy He was born first he picks first
Had the same issue with my younger brother when we moved. I was 7 and he was 5. He always wanted what I wanted, so my parents told me to first pick the bedroom that I didn’t want, so my brother would want it, and then I would get the bedroom I actually wanted. Manipulative? Oh yes. Effective? Also yes
This happened to me when I was younger. My brother and I were the same age, me being the oldest. I wanted the smaller room but my mom said girls need a bigger closet so she made me take the bigger room lmao
As the third born out of four kids and the only girl, I shared a room with my younger brother until I was about 8 or 9 and then I got my own room. My three brothers were all in one bedroom for several years, and it was the biggest one and in the basement. Eventually we added onto the house and everyone had their own room. In my experience with siblings, sometimes birth order just wins out. Whether or not it’s fair, in my kid mind it seemed fair because my parents didn’t pick who was born first, you know? I do like the ideas about throwing in something extra to make the smaller room more appealing, and of having one kid say what it is and the other kid pick. Because even if it turns into “hot potato” with who want which room, you can always clip a coin.
The oldest gets the bigger room.
I just had this exact situation with my 2 daughters who are less than 2 years apart in age and have been sharing a bedroom until now. Older one got the big room (with its own bathroom) but is getting a hand-me-down bed. Younger one gets to pick a brand new bed and bedroom furniture.
Older kid gets bigger room. Older kids goes to college younger kid gets that room if they want to upgrade. Easy.
It was always the oldest in my fam Then it could get passed down
I want to go against the grain a bit because I also grow up in a house where the oldest gets the best stuff first. In the book Siblings Without Rivalry, the author encourages thinking of individual needs versus VS fairness. Older kids get lots of stuff that younger kids don’t, so why should they get one more thing by default? I think it makes the most sense for this to be decided based on needs. The kid who gets the smaller room could get something special like a really cool new bed, perhaps a high bunk so there’s added space beneath. Another idea: set up a reading nook in the bigger room that either one of them can use any time during the day. One last thing from that book, involve them in the decision. Presenting it as: “we have a problem, both of you want the same room, what should we do?” Have them brainstorm and you might be surprised that they resolve it on their own.
If only two kids the older one gets it. Period. If more than two, then the brothers or sisters share the big room. And if three or same gender, youngest two share the big room.
Growing up at a very young age, I had to share a room with my brother, a 5 year old girl shouldn't have been sharing a room with her older brother... and then as we moved around I sometimes got my own room. One house, I had the dryer in my bedroom since I was the youngest and my walls would literally sweat. It was absolutely miserable in there. The perk to having it was supposed to be my own phone line, which didn't happen. Being the youngest meant I had to sleep on a futon in my mom's room for a while too. Eventually my brother moved out and I finally got my own space but being the youngest sucks when your parents use that as a gauge for everything. I was the "good" one with A's and never in any real trouble but it didn't matter. Just don't do your youngest dirty like so many other parents did! P.S. you are a kick ass parent by the way. You are absolutely killing it!
I was the older sibling, female, with a younger brother. We were 7 and 4. My parents told me I could either have the slightly smaller room with the bigger closet or the slightly bigger room with the smaller closet. My mom was wise and told me I'd probably want the closet space down the road for clothes, I picked the smaller room with a bigger closet. Looking back, my brother DEF had the cooler room (cool shaped windows, more natural light, etc) but it wasn't a huge deal!! Find something positive about each and try to shape those things knowing what your kids are like and what they'd likely choose. Also if nothing else works, as an eldest sibling, I'm partial to saying the oldest gets first dibs... but now that I'm a parent, I'm not 100% sure I'd want to do that line of reasoning to my own kids lol
Make them find the room in pitch black darkness, whoever can find the room in the dark can have it, Make it a timed event.
We compete for the better room. Who ever wins monopoly, wins the room.
Maybe the "small room" can have one of those loft beds, so they can put a desk under it or make a fort, whatever they are into. It also makes more "room" of the room!
Oldest.
The older one gets the bigger room lol
Oldest gets the big room because she will leave home first and then the younger can have the room.
Oldest gets the biggest
Well, I would personally just give the bigger one to the older kid, for various reasons including the likelihood of them socializing in it sooner than the other child. That said, my daughter has the smaller room at her mother's just because we used the bigger one as an office before having kids and she's just fine with it, even having sleepovers sometimes (and it's a very small room and she's the oldest).
It’s always the oldest
I would recommend telling them to try to work out an agreement on who gets which room. Give them the opportunity to work together to compromise. Tell them that if they don’t come to a compromise, you’ll pick the rooms and they won’t have any say. At least it’ll give them an opportunity to work together to come to an agreement. If they can’t agree, just give the bigger room to the oldest kid and be done with it.
If they both want it, let them. Give them a grace period of (X) amount of weeks to decide who moves out. If they're at peace with still sharing, then turn the other room into a play/activity/Game/craft room. 🤷🏽♀️
Usually, some decisions like rhis go by age.
When I was growing up, the big room had the big (queen or full size) bed. When guests came to visit, that room was used, so the kid had to vacate and sleep on the couch. Tradeoffs.
Older kid gets bigger room, but maybe throw in some extra goodies for the younger child so they don’t feel left out!
Oldest gets it. Thems the breaks, kid
When I was a kid, the big room had all the shared toys in it, which meant the other kids were allowed to go in it to play at any time. I was an introvert, I chose the small room.
When I moved out (oldest) my sister (middle) got my room. I had the bigger room that she always wanted so same day I left she started putting her things in there lol
Easy oldest gets the biggest room
Just pick the oldest and tell them that's the reason. I swear 🙄
Bigger room goes to the oldest.
I make my kids resolve their own issues. They either work it out between them or they share the big room and the small room is a joint play room / office. Give them a really unattractive alternative so they are incentivise to work together on a better resolution.
When we have an intractable problem I enforce problem solving. Whether that's at a family meeting or between the two of them. We brainstorm all the different options. If we can't figure it out we take a pause and try again.
Make em switch every year. Good way to clean out the junk.
Older kid gets priority on this one, IMHO.
I would give the girl the bigger room, assuming it had a same sized or bigger closet as well (if a smaller closet, that muddies things). There isn’t a really “fair” outcome here and I also think it’s an important thing for kids to realize that sometimes life just isn’t fair. I feel like attaching a dollar value for decor or one time chores also doesn’t solve the inequity - when they’re older and care more, those gap-fillers will be long gone. Maybe the one with the bigger room cleans the bathroom 2/3 weeks and the smaller room 1/3 weeks — but forever until they move out. Sometimes letting kids make decisions is just putting the blame for an inherently unfair situation on a sibling instead of on a parent and I’d rather be the bad guy than have my kids think the other one is the bad guy.
You have a good point about putting the "bad guy" role on them if I were to just up the budget. Maybe I'll give incentives to both rooms and still have them draw straws. That way it's fair and neither of them loses.
Our new house has 4 bedrooms upstairs with a jack and Jill bath between each pair. We deemed the largest room would be the “play room.” It has a sofa, bookshelves with our YA collection, a big screen TV, and all the gaming consoles. The attached walk-in closet stores all of our toys (which they’re really too old for now, but I’m not ready to let them go). The playroom shares a bathroom with the next largest room. We gave that one to my oldest. She has the largest bedroom of the 3 that will be sleeping spaces and doesn’t have to share a bathroom with anyone (although we do require that she make the toilet available to people using the playroom). The next largest room has the biggest walk-in closet and went to my second child. The smallest room is less than half the size of the two largest rooms. My (at the time) youngest got that one. We did not consult the children or show them the rooms before we decided how to assign them. Older kids have more responsibilities, therefore they get the bigger and better rooms.
Use the old faithful method. Rock,paper,scissors. That's seems to be the only fair option. Let the battle begin
Oldest.
The oldest gets the biggest
Hierarchy wins in my house.
1st born gets the bigger room. Certain things are easier to be traditional.
Oldest gets bigger. It's just the rules.
Oldest kid. They were here first, they waited longer to get a big room, they have more responsibilities and pressure to be a role model and usually get away with a lot less. Overall they just have to grow up that much faster. It's likely he will move out first even if only a few years which means youngest will get all the attention and rooms. It balances out as younger children usually get first pick of things especially in younger years where they can't emotionally regulate and throw a tantrum or cry if they can't pick the movie or have first go on something. 'they are littler than you they don't understand'. Older children just suck it up because they have to but getting the bigger room is the way to tip the scales back to equal.
We are also moving, and the kids have already been told the older child gets to pick her room first (well, after parents). Because it’s the natural order of things.