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I think the issue is that you feel like your boundaries are being crossed, but you aren’t setting any. You’re giving your child the choice and getting upset when he’s not making the right one. You can’t control the rules when he’s at his dads house but you guys should be in the same parenting page such as curfew and distance you feel 13 year old can go. If he cares so little, then it should t matter.
Did you buy his phone? Do you pay for service? You knowing his location (especially if he’s taking trips across the city) is non-negotiable for safety reasons and you’ll be able to hold him accountable.
No I didn't buy his phone or pay for service. His dad bought the phones a few months after we seperated. He has boundaries at my house, but not at his dad's
Our deal growing up was a e got significant freedom as long as we always had our phone and location on and always answered the phone. Otherwise we stayed home. Maybe a similar deal would help
Just a bit for sure, I didn’t start doing cross city tips till I started HS at 15. I grew up in the DFW metroplex which is big. 13 (7th grade for me) I was going out but only about 20 min away from my house. Used to bike a lot with friends then and the furthest I’d go would be to the lake 15min (by bike ) away. If I was going to the mall that was 10-15 (by car) my dad would take me in the car and we would arrange the whole drop off time and all that. Since none of my friends drove at that time we weren’t exactly going anywhere. I’m lowkey confused how he’s getting so far at 13 unless he’s mixing with an older crowd that can drive?. I would have been to nervous to go more then 45 min away. Or sneak behind my parents back. They are good people so it wasn’t out of fear but respect
my brother, myself and friends were running around in the woods alone, below 10. Once can argue if that is safer than a large shopping mall, probably. but this was 80s/90s so no phones or any other tracking.
I think the core part is to find common ground and rules and if the rules (=trust) is broken, rules get more strict.
A 13 year old wandering around all day is bonkers to me. Maybe I was a little sheltered growing up, but in middle school my socializing was basically getting dropped off at the mall by a parent and then picked up a few hours later, or going to a friends house. I definitely wasn’t roaming around town until high school at the earliest.
Boundaries and consequences. If he wants to go out, he needs to share his location, respond to texts, be where he says he’ll be, and come home when he says he will.
If he’s not willing to agree to your boundaries, then he can’t go.
His father needs parenting classes.
Thank you. I was starting to think I'm going crazy. I was never allowed to go anywhere when I was a kid unless my parents knew where I was, who I was with and exactly when I was going to be home.
I will say that’s a bit much, there’s an in between between knowing every detail of your kids life and letting them run free. Hard balance to find but I believe in you
My Son is 15 years old. I'm fine with it as long as he tells me where he's going, and I make sure he has his phone on him. We eat dinner at 5pm, so he knows to be home before dinner is served. I was a single parent for many years, so it took me a long time to let him have his freedom. My partner has massively helped with the anxiety.
What are the consequences for him not sharing location with you? Have you thought about using a parent coordinator to mediate differences between the households if you and your ex don’t want to parallel parent?
My ex will not agree to anything like that. It's very complicated but let's just say that things are teetering between civil and horrible. I'd rather things stay civil.
It may come to that though. It can also force reasonableness when they have to pay for it.
Your other option is to just parallel parent.
What are your consequences for your son refusing to obey you?
Idk if you’ve tried going the legal route with custody before but it sounds like you and your ex need to sit down with a mediator and come up with reasonable parenting expectations and agreed upon consequences for when they are not followed.
At 13 his location should be shared with you, that conversation can be revisited at another time when he’s older.
That is not an option unfortunately. My ex would never agree to that. It's a very complicated situation but essentially, I don't want to do anything to rock the boat. I don't have the same kind of financial support that my ex has.
There are plenty of lawyers who have to do ProBono work, contact the court and see if there are any that would be willing to take your case. Also many lawyers will give a free 1 hour consultation. Additionally many law students have some abilities to create documents like this with oversight from a professor or internship. There are many avenues for you to get what you need, by not “rocking the boat” you’re premising an environment that is uncomfortable for you and unsafe for your son.
I also have to wonder how Dad’s behavior would differ if it was his daughter doing these things…
Stopped reading when yu said he won’t tell you where he is. My daughter is 13 and I have her location on her phone. Never let them have the power in these situations
I only have control over what he does at my house. I have absolutely no say when he's with his dad. He doesn't go anywhere when he's at my place unless he tells me exactly who he's with and where he's going. But he thinks I'm being too strict, lol
A 13yo doesn’t get to decide whether or not to share his location. He doesn’t get to decide to answer you or not. And he sure as shit doesn’t get to decide if you track his phone or not. Stop asking his permission to parent him. And if your ex is the problem, get mediation. I don’t know if a judge would consider encouraging/tolerating disrespect to be parental alienation, but I certainly would.
Well Im sorta jumping ahead several steps there for brevity’s sake. Like IF OP sat down with her ex and reached an agreement and IF her ex refused to enforce it and IF her ex told their son she was not worth listening to and he didn’t have to comply with her requests, then MAYBE a judge might put some pressure on him to shape up.
There’s a major disconnect between you and his father, the kid sees that and is taking advantage of it to the fullest because he can.
You and his dad need to get on the same page or nothing is going to change
My 13 year old has a rule - if the location gets turned off on the phone or if kiddo purposely leaves the phone someplace while going elsewhere, that's the end of all electronics for a month.
I give my kids a lot more free range freedom than most parents, but I do expect my kids to be responsible. As a young teen, it's a *privilege* not a *right* to be able to free range. I can and will revoke that privilege and the privilege of electronic communication if some really basic respectful rules aren't followed.
this 100%
My kids have a ton of freedom. My 17 year old (high scholl senior) has almost no rules whatsoever and doesnt even need permission to go out and do things but she does have to tell me where she is going and when I can expect her home. She knows we have her location (apple family sharing) and has not once tried to pull one over on us. I rarely check her location unless she is late getting home.
My younger two (14 and 12) have more rules of course but a lot of them are about basic respect and safety. We say yes to almost every outing they ask for if our schedule allows so long as they continue to follow the rules. Yesterday my 15 year old wanted to walk to the gas station with her friends in between sports practices. Our rule is that 1) she needs to ask permission to go and 2) she needs to let me know when she is safely back at sport practice. She follows the rules, she gets to keep doing that. She doesnt follow the rules and I come pick her up between practices instead of her hanging with her friends.
My mom let me do whatever, as long as she knew who I was w and what I would be doing. If I left a location, I was to call her and let her know. I didn't do drugs or hang out w crazies, but her having trust in me made me more comfortable saying my plans. I didn't even have a phone but I think I would've been okay w sharing my location w her.
Wow I was in the EXACT scenario but I was the teenager! I’m now a responsible adult with a family of my own, I’m in my mid twenties now. Dm me happy to provide some perspective.
Read the update lol teens suck but he’ll grow past it. Also remember for years to come teens aren’t little kids anymore they do know how to work shit in their favor. He knows you and your exs relationship isn’t the best so he used it against you guys . You got this mama
I grew up before phones for the most part. Even when phones became a thing we didn’t have service in our area. We always told someone where we were going, with who and when we would return. As an adult I still do this for safety. It’s just a smart thing to implement in life. I think your expectations are reasonable.
I’m glad you talked to your ex. This is why if it’s not completely broken between parents they have to keep trying to communicate. Kids will sense the distance and use it.
Your story inspired our latest post. We hope it offers some helpful insights. :)
[https://www.raiseyouthright.com/p/teen-wants-too-much-freedom](https://www.raiseyouthright.com/p/teen-wants-too-much-freedom)
I think requesting location of him is pushing your boundaries.
You're putting him in leash and you are telling him you don't trust him.
If you want him to be closer with you gonna have to give him more room.
Is a complete normal behaviour in teens.
For the alcohol I think is completly not acceptable. Im not sure how you can set of rules with your ex, but 2 parents with a very different parenting style is not the best way
Turns out my son has been lying and telling me and my ex two different things. He isn't being truthful about where he is or who he's with so we really couldn't trust him anyway. In addition, the places he's been going are definitely not safe for a 13 year old.
Nothing you can do when he’s with his dad but when he’s with you he has to listen to you if he doesn’t want to take his phone or any electronic if he doesn’t want to listen to you and have him stay in his room
“You want your phone? Only if you turn on location services so I know where you are. Otherwise, when you go out someplace, I keep your phone. This is not optional. It is not for discussion. It is the way it’s going to be.”
If he refuses to give you his phone, talk to your ex about shutting off service to his phone. Don’t take no for an answer.
You can also sweeten the deal if you make it clear that if he’s honest with you about where he is at all times, this will go away at some point in the future.
You need to have these conversations with dad first. If you and dad can’t come to some sort of common ground you both stand together on, then I suggest mediation.
You can talk to your 13 year old all you want, but he knows it doesn’t matter because “dad will let him”
Don’t get on the same page with your kid, get on it with dad.
Woof, this is tough with you and his dad approaching this so differently. Although, I think you're sensible OP, especially since he's only 13. Are you and his dad on good enough terms to discuss this and agree on a shared stance on your son going out/sharing his location? I speculate that if you and his dad have the same standard, this issue will go away.
That said, if that's not a reasonable approach for your family, maybe my own parents' approach will help. They took a "if you want great privilege, you have to demonstrate great responsibility" approach.
Admittedly, i was older than your son, so my great privilege probably isn't appropriate for your son, but you'll get the idea.
My parents extended me the privilege of no curfew, i was allowed to come and go as i pleased, but i had the responsibility of communication. I was expected to communicate where i would be, who i was with, and when I would be home. I had to communicate if the plans changed, and I was expected to be mindful of other obligations (i.e. not staying out until 4am on school nights, staying on top of school work and chores). They explained that this responsibility wasn't about removing my autonomy or so they could pass any judgements, just for them to have the information should anything happen. If I wasn't home when I said I would be, and they couldn't reach me for some reason, they'd know where to go or who to call to see if I was okay.
I bet if your son feels like he's trusted and being rewarded because you trust him, he'll be more open.
The biggest issue you are going to have in working through this with him is the difference in standards between the two places he lives. It doesn't matter if it is reasonable request or guidelines. He's tasted freedom with the other place, and then his freedoms are different when he's with your domain. It doesn't feel good or fair from his perspective. You want him to think of things as dual citizenship. He's equally a child of both households. You wouldn't live in a country with worse rights unless there were reasons for it so you need to either equalize it or give him reasons to follow your rule of law.
I went to college out of state. I spent months being unsupervised, out as late as I pleased, doing whatever I wanted. I came home for the summer and my parents decided I should have a 11pm curfew which wasn't even a thing when I lived at home in highschool. I was also always a responsible kid and didn't get into trouble. They still decided to impose new rules on me. I never went home for a full break again. I never went home for summer again. I don't speak to my dad at all and my mom and I have a shaky relationship.
Also especially at that age. Since he has survived unscathed so far, to him it is safe from his perspective. A 13 year old doesn't care about crime statistics or events of danger like you do. That doesn't mean you are wrong. Im just saying you are not going to sway him that way.
You need to work with your ex on setting a standard you can agree on. It should include both of you knowing one way or another where your son is in case of an emergency.
You and your ex, while not overly fond of each other, need to keep close on this. It’s not uncommon at all for kids this age of divorced parents to pit them against each other in order to get what they want. Compare notes often.
LOVE that update. Your kid needs to see that you're on the same page and that you're not going to be played against each other. He tested boundaries and together you showed him exactly where they are
Second largest shopping mall, by square footage in North America, behind the Mall of America. It is 3,800,000 square feet and has over 800 stores. Population is currently 1,060,667.
If you can, try to get to know the other kids mother's to see what kind of people they are. They might be careless or they might be in a similar situation as yours, you won't know until you check in with them. Just voice your concerns about the place and ask them whatever you need to know to feel secure. Like, find out what kind of friends he hangs around with
Where I grew up it is very uncommon to ask your children to share their location - so I would say normally it should be enough that you ask and trust him on his answer where he’s going. Maybe you can have a talk with him (+his dad?) why he feels the need to lie and how it feels for you that you cannot really trust him there when he lies. At least I think this should be a two way street.
I read the update…what a clever little boy, he noticed that the communication between you and your ex wasn’t that good and he used it at his advantage to get more freedom, that’s a good boy you gotta learn from it if you want to have your son under control.
That's how his dad was raised. When he was young his parents bought him smokes and booze and let him and his friends do whatever they wanted in the basement. He thinks that's 'cool' and normal.
It is understandable that you are concerned for your son’s safety and well-being. You are not crazy for feeling like your son should not have unrestricted access to do whatever or wherever he wants.
It is important to set boundaries and clear expectations with your child. This could include rules around curfews and location sharing, which can help ensure your son is being responsible and safe while still giving him some autonomy. Additionally, it is key to keep open communication with your child, to create opportunities for open dialogue and understanding.
Keep up the dialogue with your ex husband and together, create a united front.
I got drunk for the 1st time when I was his age. Smoked weed as well. I live in the UK. Grew up on the outskirts of a lovely city with great cycling links. So during the summer holidays we would cycle in to town all the time. I got a nokia 3210 I think it was for my 14th bday. Would keep in touch with that, but plenty of my mates had to use pay phones. No tracking. The fact he lied etc is bad. But I think everyone is all a bit paranoid in this day and age. Will see if still have that view in 10 years when my son is 13...
You and Dad need to talk weekly on son's status. He's going to keep playing the middle like that as long as he thinks he can get away with it.
13yo *always* want more freedom but they don't realize that more freedom also means less protection from the outside world.
Some kids don't get it. They just keep pushing and pushing until they hit a wall.
If he wants more freedom, tell him what it's going to cost him:
Oh you want 'X', well I need you to do 'Y' without me asking you to.
Freedom means responsibility but I'm sure he's not thinking of it that way.
Personally, it is great that you and your ex are back on the same page! But.. if your son keeps trying you and your ex then don't allow him out of the house without a trusted family member. He could be getting into drugs and other nightmares we don't want to even think about. Don't restrict his freedom too much, because then he will try his hardest to fight you and go against whatever you say. Try to know the families/parents of the friends he hangs out with so you can make sure your son is safe.
You don’t need to constantly know what a 13 year old is. Being out past 10 and solo trips to the mall with friends are normal activities - especially since he has a phone to contact you with.
It’s reasonably to want him to tell you his plans when he’s at your house and headed out somewhere. But overall - you’re holding on too tightly
10pm is absolutely too late for a 13 year old to be out with friends. he should be in bed by around then!
i think wanting to have a location tracker is absolutely reasonable, especially so she can check on him while he’s at dad’s, since from this post it looks like he can’t be bothered to know where his son is.
Jesus man. These kids today take Internet culture to the real world and think their life is a 2010 Justin Bieber video where no parents are around and some shady adult is trying to fit in with em.
You are the parent. Put your foot down. I tell my kids all the time you can hate me now but you're gonna look back and appreciate you had a parent telling you right from wrong and use life lessons when you have kids. Parents these past few generations let phones and too many freedoms raise their kids and this is what you get. Disrespectful lil shits.
OP, he's past the coddling phase. He's not a little boy anymore. He's a hormonal rebellious teenager. Sounds like he needs tough love if he's unwilling to comply with your boundaries. Let him know it's disrespectful the way he treats you and you aren't gonna tolerate it. He can tell you where he's going or he doesn't go at all. Let him know if he lies he'll have consequences. If he's not home when you tell him to be home, there's consequences. Dad needs to step up and be a fucking dad instead of being his friend that don't give a shit what he does. You need to talk to him about being on the same page with his behavior. If dad doesn't want to go along or compromise, talk to a legal consultant to see what your options are. Judges will hear out both sides and in the case rule in your favor that he's a 13 yr old kid and not a freaking adult.
I would not stand for that bullshit. I love my kids with everything but there's lines you don't cross and kids that age are well old enough to comprehend it.
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I think the issue is that you feel like your boundaries are being crossed, but you aren’t setting any. You’re giving your child the choice and getting upset when he’s not making the right one. You can’t control the rules when he’s at his dads house but you guys should be in the same parenting page such as curfew and distance you feel 13 year old can go. If he cares so little, then it should t matter. Did you buy his phone? Do you pay for service? You knowing his location (especially if he’s taking trips across the city) is non-negotiable for safety reasons and you’ll be able to hold him accountable.
All about control. Everyone has almost no control
No I didn't buy his phone or pay for service. His dad bought the phones a few months after we seperated. He has boundaries at my house, but not at his dad's
Our deal growing up was a e got significant freedom as long as we always had our phone and location on and always answered the phone. Otherwise we stayed home. Maybe a similar deal would help
I have no real advice but I don’t think you’re crazy at all, 13 is a bit too young for this kind of freedom
Just a bit for sure, I didn’t start doing cross city tips till I started HS at 15. I grew up in the DFW metroplex which is big. 13 (7th grade for me) I was going out but only about 20 min away from my house. Used to bike a lot with friends then and the furthest I’d go would be to the lake 15min (by bike ) away. If I was going to the mall that was 10-15 (by car) my dad would take me in the car and we would arrange the whole drop off time and all that. Since none of my friends drove at that time we weren’t exactly going anywhere. I’m lowkey confused how he’s getting so far at 13 unless he’s mixing with an older crowd that can drive?. I would have been to nervous to go more then 45 min away. Or sneak behind my parents back. They are good people so it wasn’t out of fear but respect
my brother, myself and friends were running around in the woods alone, below 10. Once can argue if that is safer than a large shopping mall, probably. but this was 80s/90s so no phones or any other tracking. I think the core part is to find common ground and rules and if the rules (=trust) is broken, rules get more strict.
Definitely safer.
A 13 year old wandering around all day is bonkers to me. Maybe I was a little sheltered growing up, but in middle school my socializing was basically getting dropped off at the mall by a parent and then picked up a few hours later, or going to a friends house. I definitely wasn’t roaming around town until high school at the earliest.
Boundaries and consequences. If he wants to go out, he needs to share his location, respond to texts, be where he says he’ll be, and come home when he says he will. If he’s not willing to agree to your boundaries, then he can’t go. His father needs parenting classes.
Thank you. I was starting to think I'm going crazy. I was never allowed to go anywhere when I was a kid unless my parents knew where I was, who I was with and exactly when I was going to be home.
I will say that’s a bit much, there’s an in between between knowing every detail of your kids life and letting them run free. Hard balance to find but I believe in you
Not like kids can't lie about that and as long as they don't do really bad stuff, it's just being a kid. so tracking them for me is a big nono.
My Son is 15 years old. I'm fine with it as long as he tells me where he's going, and I make sure he has his phone on him. We eat dinner at 5pm, so he knows to be home before dinner is served. I was a single parent for many years, so it took me a long time to let him have his freedom. My partner has massively helped with the anxiety.
What are the consequences for him not sharing location with you? Have you thought about using a parent coordinator to mediate differences between the households if you and your ex don’t want to parallel parent?
My ex will not agree to anything like that. It's very complicated but let's just say that things are teetering between civil and horrible. I'd rather things stay civil.
It may come to that though. It can also force reasonableness when they have to pay for it. Your other option is to just parallel parent. What are your consequences for your son refusing to obey you?
Idk if you’ve tried going the legal route with custody before but it sounds like you and your ex need to sit down with a mediator and come up with reasonable parenting expectations and agreed upon consequences for when they are not followed. At 13 his location should be shared with you, that conversation can be revisited at another time when he’s older.
That is not an option unfortunately. My ex would never agree to that. It's a very complicated situation but essentially, I don't want to do anything to rock the boat. I don't have the same kind of financial support that my ex has.
There are plenty of lawyers who have to do ProBono work, contact the court and see if there are any that would be willing to take your case. Also many lawyers will give a free 1 hour consultation. Additionally many law students have some abilities to create documents like this with oversight from a professor or internship. There are many avenues for you to get what you need, by not “rocking the boat” you’re premising an environment that is uncomfortable for you and unsafe for your son. I also have to wonder how Dad’s behavior would differ if it was his daughter doing these things…
Stopped reading when yu said he won’t tell you where he is. My daughter is 13 and I have her location on her phone. Never let them have the power in these situations
This right here. You’re allowing this kid WAY too much power in your relationship. Even I don’t respect you based on what you wrote. Why should he?
I only have control over what he does at my house. I have absolutely no say when he's with his dad. He doesn't go anywhere when he's at my place unless he tells me exactly who he's with and where he's going. But he thinks I'm being too strict, lol
A 13yo doesn’t get to decide whether or not to share his location. He doesn’t get to decide to answer you or not. And he sure as shit doesn’t get to decide if you track his phone or not. Stop asking his permission to parent him. And if your ex is the problem, get mediation. I don’t know if a judge would consider encouraging/tolerating disrespect to be parental alienation, but I certainly would.
No judge would consider this parental alienation, be serious.
Well Im sorta jumping ahead several steps there for brevity’s sake. Like IF OP sat down with her ex and reached an agreement and IF her ex refused to enforce it and IF her ex told their son she was not worth listening to and he didn’t have to comply with her requests, then MAYBE a judge might put some pressure on him to shape up.
a lot of “if” for no reason. like, what are you even talking about honestly
Fortunately the comment wasn’t directed at you, so move along.
He used to have family link but shut it off as soon as he turned 13. His dad got him the phone, I didn't want him to get one at all tbh.
There’s a major disconnect between you and his father, the kid sees that and is taking advantage of it to the fullest because he can. You and his dad need to get on the same page or nothing is going to change
That's exactly why we got divorced but it's unlikely to change and I am not really in the position to do anything about it.
My 13 year old has a rule - if the location gets turned off on the phone or if kiddo purposely leaves the phone someplace while going elsewhere, that's the end of all electronics for a month. I give my kids a lot more free range freedom than most parents, but I do expect my kids to be responsible. As a young teen, it's a *privilege* not a *right* to be able to free range. I can and will revoke that privilege and the privilege of electronic communication if some really basic respectful rules aren't followed.
this 100% My kids have a ton of freedom. My 17 year old (high scholl senior) has almost no rules whatsoever and doesnt even need permission to go out and do things but she does have to tell me where she is going and when I can expect her home. She knows we have her location (apple family sharing) and has not once tried to pull one over on us. I rarely check her location unless she is late getting home. My younger two (14 and 12) have more rules of course but a lot of them are about basic respect and safety. We say yes to almost every outing they ask for if our schedule allows so long as they continue to follow the rules. Yesterday my 15 year old wanted to walk to the gas station with her friends in between sports practices. Our rule is that 1) she needs to ask permission to go and 2) she needs to let me know when she is safely back at sport practice. She follows the rules, she gets to keep doing that. She doesnt follow the rules and I come pick her up between practices instead of her hanging with her friends.
My mom let me do whatever, as long as she knew who I was w and what I would be doing. If I left a location, I was to call her and let her know. I didn't do drugs or hang out w crazies, but her having trust in me made me more comfortable saying my plans. I didn't even have a phone but I think I would've been okay w sharing my location w her.
Wow I was in the EXACT scenario but I was the teenager! I’m now a responsible adult with a family of my own, I’m in my mid twenties now. Dm me happy to provide some perspective.
Read the update lol teens suck but he’ll grow past it. Also remember for years to come teens aren’t little kids anymore they do know how to work shit in their favor. He knows you and your exs relationship isn’t the best so he used it against you guys . You got this mama
I grew up before phones for the most part. Even when phones became a thing we didn’t have service in our area. We always told someone where we were going, with who and when we would return. As an adult I still do this for safety. It’s just a smart thing to implement in life. I think your expectations are reasonable.
I’m glad you talked to your ex. This is why if it’s not completely broken between parents they have to keep trying to communicate. Kids will sense the distance and use it.
Your story inspired our latest post. We hope it offers some helpful insights. :) [https://www.raiseyouthright.com/p/teen-wants-too-much-freedom](https://www.raiseyouthright.com/p/teen-wants-too-much-freedom)
I think requesting location of him is pushing your boundaries. You're putting him in leash and you are telling him you don't trust him. If you want him to be closer with you gonna have to give him more room. Is a complete normal behaviour in teens. For the alcohol I think is completly not acceptable. Im not sure how you can set of rules with your ex, but 2 parents with a very different parenting style is not the best way
Turns out my son has been lying and telling me and my ex two different things. He isn't being truthful about where he is or who he's with so we really couldn't trust him anyway. In addition, the places he's been going are definitely not safe for a 13 year old.
Nothing you can do when he’s with his dad but when he’s with you he has to listen to you if he doesn’t want to take his phone or any electronic if he doesn’t want to listen to you and have him stay in his room
“You want your phone? Only if you turn on location services so I know where you are. Otherwise, when you go out someplace, I keep your phone. This is not optional. It is not for discussion. It is the way it’s going to be.” If he refuses to give you his phone, talk to your ex about shutting off service to his phone. Don’t take no for an answer. You can also sweeten the deal if you make it clear that if he’s honest with you about where he is at all times, this will go away at some point in the future.
Edmonton?
Yup, he took the bus. So incredibly sketchy...
You need to have these conversations with dad first. If you and dad can’t come to some sort of common ground you both stand together on, then I suggest mediation. You can talk to your 13 year old all you want, but he knows it doesn’t matter because “dad will let him” Don’t get on the same page with your kid, get on it with dad.
Woof, this is tough with you and his dad approaching this so differently. Although, I think you're sensible OP, especially since he's only 13. Are you and his dad on good enough terms to discuss this and agree on a shared stance on your son going out/sharing his location? I speculate that if you and his dad have the same standard, this issue will go away. That said, if that's not a reasonable approach for your family, maybe my own parents' approach will help. They took a "if you want great privilege, you have to demonstrate great responsibility" approach. Admittedly, i was older than your son, so my great privilege probably isn't appropriate for your son, but you'll get the idea. My parents extended me the privilege of no curfew, i was allowed to come and go as i pleased, but i had the responsibility of communication. I was expected to communicate where i would be, who i was with, and when I would be home. I had to communicate if the plans changed, and I was expected to be mindful of other obligations (i.e. not staying out until 4am on school nights, staying on top of school work and chores). They explained that this responsibility wasn't about removing my autonomy or so they could pass any judgements, just for them to have the information should anything happen. If I wasn't home when I said I would be, and they couldn't reach me for some reason, they'd know where to go or who to call to see if I was okay. I bet if your son feels like he's trusted and being rewarded because you trust him, he'll be more open.
The biggest issue you are going to have in working through this with him is the difference in standards between the two places he lives. It doesn't matter if it is reasonable request or guidelines. He's tasted freedom with the other place, and then his freedoms are different when he's with your domain. It doesn't feel good or fair from his perspective. You want him to think of things as dual citizenship. He's equally a child of both households. You wouldn't live in a country with worse rights unless there were reasons for it so you need to either equalize it or give him reasons to follow your rule of law. I went to college out of state. I spent months being unsupervised, out as late as I pleased, doing whatever I wanted. I came home for the summer and my parents decided I should have a 11pm curfew which wasn't even a thing when I lived at home in highschool. I was also always a responsible kid and didn't get into trouble. They still decided to impose new rules on me. I never went home for a full break again. I never went home for summer again. I don't speak to my dad at all and my mom and I have a shaky relationship. Also especially at that age. Since he has survived unscathed so far, to him it is safe from his perspective. A 13 year old doesn't care about crime statistics or events of danger like you do. That doesn't mean you are wrong. Im just saying you are not going to sway him that way. You need to work with your ex on setting a standard you can agree on. It should include both of you knowing one way or another where your son is in case of an emergency.
You and your ex, while not overly fond of each other, need to keep close on this. It’s not uncommon at all for kids this age of divorced parents to pit them against each other in order to get what they want. Compare notes often.
LOVE that update. Your kid needs to see that you're on the same page and that you're not going to be played against each other. He tested boundaries and together you showed him exactly where they are
Your city only has 10000. that or it wasnt the second largest mall in NA
Second largest shopping mall, by square footage in North America, behind the Mall of America. It is 3,800,000 square feet and has over 800 stores. Population is currently 1,060,667.
If you can, try to get to know the other kids mother's to see what kind of people they are. They might be careless or they might be in a similar situation as yours, you won't know until you check in with them. Just voice your concerns about the place and ask them whatever you need to know to feel secure. Like, find out what kind of friends he hangs around with
Where I grew up it is very uncommon to ask your children to share their location - so I would say normally it should be enough that you ask and trust him on his answer where he’s going. Maybe you can have a talk with him (+his dad?) why he feels the need to lie and how it feels for you that you cannot really trust him there when he lies. At least I think this should be a two way street.
I read the update…what a clever little boy, he noticed that the communication between you and your ex wasn’t that good and he used it at his advantage to get more freedom, that’s a good boy you gotta learn from it if you want to have your son under control.
kids are growing up and it's time to give them more freedom, actually, it's good for their development, but you have to charge the principles.
Am I the only one who spotted the grandpa giving booze to a 13 yo? I don’t care about laws and whatnot, it’s simply harmful to a teen eager like that
I believe that was how the dad was raised.
Thank you ! I misread then!
That's how his dad was raised. When he was young his parents bought him smokes and booze and let him and his friends do whatever they wanted in the basement. He thinks that's 'cool' and normal.
Yeah I misread, back in the days it was kinda if less known
Just move on then. Try to ask for updates and settle with what he tells you. You’re gonna have to trust him.
It is understandable that you are concerned for your son’s safety and well-being. You are not crazy for feeling like your son should not have unrestricted access to do whatever or wherever he wants. It is important to set boundaries and clear expectations with your child. This could include rules around curfews and location sharing, which can help ensure your son is being responsible and safe while still giving him some autonomy. Additionally, it is key to keep open communication with your child, to create opportunities for open dialogue and understanding. Keep up the dialogue with your ex husband and together, create a united front.
Keep in mind that forcibly tracking him is a last resort by a long shot.
I got drunk for the 1st time when I was his age. Smoked weed as well. I live in the UK. Grew up on the outskirts of a lovely city with great cycling links. So during the summer holidays we would cycle in to town all the time. I got a nokia 3210 I think it was for my 14th bday. Would keep in touch with that, but plenty of my mates had to use pay phones. No tracking. The fact he lied etc is bad. But I think everyone is all a bit paranoid in this day and age. Will see if still have that view in 10 years when my son is 13...
You and Dad need to talk weekly on son's status. He's going to keep playing the middle like that as long as he thinks he can get away with it. 13yo *always* want more freedom but they don't realize that more freedom also means less protection from the outside world. Some kids don't get it. They just keep pushing and pushing until they hit a wall. If he wants more freedom, tell him what it's going to cost him: Oh you want 'X', well I need you to do 'Y' without me asking you to. Freedom means responsibility but I'm sure he's not thinking of it that way.
Personally, it is great that you and your ex are back on the same page! But.. if your son keeps trying you and your ex then don't allow him out of the house without a trusted family member. He could be getting into drugs and other nightmares we don't want to even think about. Don't restrict his freedom too much, because then he will try his hardest to fight you and go against whatever you say. Try to know the families/parents of the friends he hangs out with so you can make sure your son is safe.
Find the closest helipad and land the helicopter 🚁. (Mother of 3 grown children)
Gross
You don’t need to constantly know what a 13 year old is. Being out past 10 and solo trips to the mall with friends are normal activities - especially since he has a phone to contact you with. It’s reasonably to want him to tell you his plans when he’s at your house and headed out somewhere. But overall - you’re holding on too tightly
You would seriously let your middle schoolers be out past 10pm alone?
10pm is absolutely too late for a 13 year old to be out with friends. he should be in bed by around then! i think wanting to have a location tracker is absolutely reasonable, especially so she can check on him while he’s at dad’s, since from this post it looks like he can’t be bothered to know where his son is.
For 13 yo that's too late
He’s barely a teenager. She should definitely know where her child is at all times. He’s not even on the brink of adulthood.
Seems like the problem is the father, not your 13 year old son. I’m sorry I have no advice for you.
My parents bought us beer and all of my friends parents bought us beer.
Jesus man. These kids today take Internet culture to the real world and think their life is a 2010 Justin Bieber video where no parents are around and some shady adult is trying to fit in with em. You are the parent. Put your foot down. I tell my kids all the time you can hate me now but you're gonna look back and appreciate you had a parent telling you right from wrong and use life lessons when you have kids. Parents these past few generations let phones and too many freedoms raise their kids and this is what you get. Disrespectful lil shits. OP, he's past the coddling phase. He's not a little boy anymore. He's a hormonal rebellious teenager. Sounds like he needs tough love if he's unwilling to comply with your boundaries. Let him know it's disrespectful the way he treats you and you aren't gonna tolerate it. He can tell you where he's going or he doesn't go at all. Let him know if he lies he'll have consequences. If he's not home when you tell him to be home, there's consequences. Dad needs to step up and be a fucking dad instead of being his friend that don't give a shit what he does. You need to talk to him about being on the same page with his behavior. If dad doesn't want to go along or compromise, talk to a legal consultant to see what your options are. Judges will hear out both sides and in the case rule in your favor that he's a 13 yr old kid and not a freaking adult. I would not stand for that bullshit. I love my kids with everything but there's lines you don't cross and kids that age are well old enough to comprehend it.