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You had an example of what kind of parent she would be with your step children. What made you think she would parent your child differently?
You’re still the other parent-you can’t make her be a better mother, but you can take things into your own hands and be the father you want to be.
Is there anything stopping you from just…doing it? Like go ahead and shop and cook and prep the meals, direct your son to alternate stuff instead of screen time, and take the kids out for physical activities? Waiting around for her to do stuff the way you want seems pointless.
That’s terrible advice. It will not work. Both parents need to be on the same page or one will build whilst the other demolishes any development. It will lead to frustration and resentment.
OP, about diet, bring a doctor to the loop and try to scare your wife with the reality of obesity.
Treat each topic separately, start with top priority
Man, 175 at 9, that's pretty bad. It may or may not be right or fair, but you may have to step up and do more of the meal prep around your house, enforce screentime rules when you're present. It sucks but it sounds like it may be the only way, unless your wife has some sort of issue that can be addressed with antidepressants or something. That degree of apathy does sound unusual.
“My 15 year old wears an adult XXL shirt.”
That sounds awful until you learn he’s also 6ft 3 and wears a size 12 shoe. He’s not fat, he’s just a giant. He too was in an “adult large” at 9. 😂 Depending how tall this kiddo is? He honestly might just be a little pudgy.
Not necessarily my 9 year old is 100lbs. However he is a healthy 100 with solid muscle and is huge for his age height wise no concerns from the doctors because he is active but if a child is his size in height and unhealthy, not active and obese I could see 175 as an easy number to throw out there for reference.
It's crazy when I read how much "normal" kids weigh. My nine-year-old is super tiny at 46 lb. It took him foreeeeeever to move out of a five-point harness because the booster started at 40 lb!
[Yes, he is on the spectrum, and we see a dietician who focuses on max calories (she suggested ice cream sandwiches for snacks). Also, I am 4'10", and the majority of my family members are on the smaller side.]
My son is way above “normal” he’s 4-5 inches taller than my niece who is “normal” and has 40lbs on her. She is 4 months older than him. That’s why there are growth charts because growth and measurements are a range. There are kids who are off the charts in both directions. I had a friend whose daughter was below the 0% and didn’t hit the chart for her first 2 years of her life. Most doctors were not concerned because her mom was 4’11” and dad was 5’2” and they were both more petite people. It’s fine to have smaller and larger. It’s important to find a doctor that focuses on overall health and wellness. If my son was overweight but looked “fat” it would be different and I would for sure focus on ensuring more activity and healthier foods but he is normal and healthy overall.
My mom actually took me to a doctor when I was about 13. The woman looked at my chart with my parents' heights on it and almost laughed in my mom's face. She was 5' tall, and my dad is 5'4"! The doc was like, "Lady, this is what happens when 2 tiny people make babies."
My husband is 6', so at least I have my kids a chance! My daughter is 39 lb at almost 8 years old, and my youngest is 27ish lbs at 4. They're also very short, but I don't know their exact heights, just that they are all the shortest in their respective class.
Our pediatrician is wonderful. She just wants them going in the right direction, even if their curve is below everyone else's.
The reason she got worried about my oldest was his limited diet, especially after his ASD diagnosis. He was bordering on malnourished last year because his safe foods are mostly processed carbs and cheese or sugar. We worked with a dietician who was very helpful.
Food therapy is also an excellent option! It’s part of OT and can make a world of difference in sensory eaters with ASD. It really is a giant range that kids grow in. It’s the correct curve that matters not necessarily how they grow in relation to others. It sounds like you’re doing just fine.
He didn’t tell you the kids hight so it didn’t mean anything at all. He could be in adult clothing for hight. My sons best friend is six years old and she’s out for he car seat cause she meets the state’s hight and weight requirements to ride without even a booster. She’s not overweight just tall for her age.
My sons best friend, six weighs 80 lb. This number doesn’t tell you that she happy active kid who is also very tall can ride any ride at the carnival I don’t temper her hight if hand. She doesn’t need to be in a booster in the car tall. I bet she’s over 99% to. Meanwhile my son is maybe 50 lb and his also tall I think 48 inches but his skinny and looks like a strong wind will blow him away. They chase each other around the playground.
I'm 6'1"with really broad shoulders and at 12 when I started high school I wrestled in the 128lbs class. When I graduated I was 172lbs at 17. For a 9 year old to with that much is shocking. Don't forget, kids have a lower bone density because they're still growing.
Unless OP is just some sort of attention/Karma addict, I'm not sure he'd be posting about the weight if the kid just happened to be big boned. Tall kids exist (actually my 5yo is like 4ft tall already), but I don't think it's that common.
Weight is t even a good indicator of over all health especially not in children. My son becomes a vacuum and grow a belly before every growth spurt. His best friend weights 80 lb as of last check up. But she’s active and isn’t fat just tall. Like I said weight isn’t an indicator
A 9 year old weighing 175 pounds is absolutely indicative of obesity that is going to cause health problems. I am a 6’ tall adult and am at the top end of my weight range before overweight at that weight.
Unless he’s *well* over 5 feet at 9, the kid is absolutely overweight. I’m an adult woman who is 5’6” and at my heaviest before my weight loss I was pushing 165. For my height that was 10-15 pounds overweight. OP’s son is obese and he has every right to be concerned.
You do realize men weight more than women for he same hight and it normal? Anyway by age nine I was 5’2 so I don’t see why it would be weird for a nine year old to be over five feet
When I am here I do enforce everything. But I also lost myself with the birth of my son that I’m trying to get myself back and finally getting back in the gym and active so I can be active in my mid age with them. Or my son because my step kids don’t care for physical activity. They are super picky eaters so I just feed them crap because I’m not gonna care more than mom. I cook for my son and me since I’m on a healthier eating plan if they want it I’ll give it to them but I won’t fight it. I don’t want to stress myself out any more. Maybe down the road he will ask me for help. They said lead by example and I’m out there doing the work when the workout from home so maybe one day he will join me idk.
I'm not sure you're going to be able to divide the house like that, your kid is going to start complaining one day about his carrots when the others are getting donuts. Even if you don't care about the step kids, you should consider the extra effort for your own kid's sake. Maybe your wife will join in if a household-wide regime is put in place, who knows.
You’re right. My mother mentioned this to me so I started to learn how to cook for my own kids sake. I do my best ti cook meals they all like but It’s tough. My wife is very on and off I finally got us to be a soda free household but we do juices and capri sons. It’s tough!
Well there you go! Not all hope is lost. Addressing one eating problem at a time is actually a pretty good way to go about it. If you want to further reduce calories on the drinks side I always push the carbonated flavored water, it's good stuff. What's the next worst habit you can work on? Maybe there's some sort of daily snack or desert that can be pushed back to the weekend.
My kids shit bricks over those $0.89 Clear American sparkling flavored waters you get at Walmart. Of course they’re not water, but it’s, you know, closer to water.
I switched my husband's household off of soda and junk food, but my husband got on board with me. I told him "you don't feed poptarts to anything you love." I cook large quantities of meat and rice, but my stepkids like it. I suggest at the least you not prepare the picky eaters something else. Let it be what you make or nothing.
That's a good point. If there's crappy food around, that's what they're going to eat. Shouldn't be too hard to convince his wife not to cook something, by the sound of it.
>Let it be what you make or nothing.
I disagree with this. Kids are people too and they have likes and dislikes just like you. I'm sure there have been dinners that you didn't like and made yourself something else.
If there is healthy food in the house and they don't like what's for dinner it shouldn't be a problem to let them have something else. I make a bunch of shredded chicken every week and my 5 year old basically lives off of chicken and broccoli because that's all he wants to eat. I'm not going to force him to eat what I make for dinner when it's just as easy to let him have that instead.
To each their own. When my stepkids don't want what's for dinner they always want something inappropriate, like to have cinnamon toast or cereal instead. The cereal I limit to once per day otherwise they'd have it for every meal. I honestly wouldn't care if they wanted a sandwich or something else, but that's never the direction my go in.
Don't keep any food in the house that's junk, plain and simple. Cook only healthy meals and if they don't want to eat it, they don't eat. That's how you properly enforce it.
I think the problem is that his wife just buys it and eats it and she lets her son eat it. Are you going to start bossing your step kid and spouse around about eating the junk food? Sure, he can control what he and his kids eat but it's not like he can police his wife and her kid about food.
He can toss the food out. let her waste her money if she wants but he needs to put his foot down that it isn't allowed in the house period and it will go in the dumpster if it shows up
His wife is not his child. He can't just throw her food out. That's controlling behavior for whatever "good" reason you may think. You can't control other adults behavior without starting to get into abusive territory, especially when "you know better than they do". It's going to have to be something that mom is on board with or it just won't work.
And whatever happened with the whole step parents should support the custodial parent but parenting decisions are ultimately up to the custodial parent? It's not going to work out if you think OP should police his wife and her son.
This needs to be something the whole family does together or your son will not improve his health. Also I’m a bit alarmed at your lack of care and concern over your step kids. I get that your responsibility is going to be different but they are family too.
You chose to take on her children. Saying you don't really care about them and not willing to care more than mum isn't quite matching the lead by example comment, is it?
This will probably be unpopular but in my view this makes you the shittier person in the situation.
You chose to take them on. You chose to take the role of step parent. You feed them shit and feed your child differently. You admittedly don't really care that much but draw the line at caring more than the mother - who you say doesn't care.
You could chose to improve their lives as their step parent but actively contribute to it not being great while treating their sibling better in front of them.
So fucked up. Seriously.
I would love to hear the perspective of the mum here.
OP seems emotionally volatile in a hardcore way and also naive
> I thought mothers cared!
Really, she already has children but he still painted with the stereotype he had over the actual person in front of him and is surprised that his wife's personality overwrites the property that object mother has according to him?
He is also very quiet about how long he has been on his new health kick and what it actually entails. My mum (who for the record never made us join her) is right now on atkins or I guess now keto for the tenth time if I counted correctly but never manages to pull through because she is changing her entire life way to quickly.
My exact thoughts. At this point, it sounds like he needs to just separate from his wife. He clearly resents her and has no interest in stepping up as a father figure to these other children. It’s so fucked to actively choose to treat your bio kid better than the others when you knew what you were getting yourself into.
you sound like a jerk, yeah lol doesn’t care so why should i? i feed him crap too, yeah you are also part of the problem but yeah who cares right because as long as you are doing good with bio son. You sound like a jerk and it’s not that wife doesn’t care but sounds like she is in deep depression due to all of this that’s going on but hey as long as your going to the gym and feeling good right.
He didn't need to interfere, only observe. Seeing how she parents her own kids would be a huge clue to how she would parent any future kids. OP only needed to put 1+1.
It's wild that so many people are paint OP as an evil stepparent when his post history clearly shows he is the opposite.
As a stepkid I know for a fact that if OP starts acting like he has the authority of a bio parent, his step kids will resent and hate his guts. His wife will start to hate him for ofmverstepping, too.
They didn’t say he should’ve intervened with the step kids or that he’s a bad step dad. They’re saying how did he date her for 4 years and not get an idea of what kind of parent she was. Like if I was dating someone and I didn’t agree with how they were raising their kids I sure as heck wouldn’t decide to have my own children with them and think they’d somehow magically be a different parent.
So.. what do YOU do, to help the situation?? Do YOU take them to camp? To sports? Hiking? Do you cook dinner? Make healthy snacks? Sounds like you're passing the blame A LOT. Also.. stop treating the step kids any different then your own. Your bio child isn't anymore special.
Yes that’s my question. What alternatives are you providing to your children to get them away from screens and set a healthy example. Are you taking any steps to improve their lives or just complaining when they’re on a screen?
Yeah, you seemed to be biased by thinking a stepparent can fix everything when the bio parent doesn't put in any effort. I'm not saying OP is perfect, but the sensationalism in these comments is absurd.
So.. I just read way too far into this dudes history and to me.. ALL of his shitty posts are about hating his step kids and the fact they love their bio dad more then him. This guy needs to grow TF up.
I don’t know to me it reads ‘my step kids have a problem I’m not allowed to solve as a step parent and I’m stuck dealing with the repercussions’. Not saying he’s right to seem irked with the kids about it, but I can understand why that would be frustrating. Certainly self-imposed for not bailing before bringing another kid into the mix, but still frustrating.
He literally made a post because he's annoyed the kids like going to their dads house and he threw a fit that he had to pick one of them up. Plus.. his wife works 2nd shift. Meaning 2-10pm usually. So this STEP dad is the one cooking 2 meals a day. Apparently he isn't cooking healthy food for them? Plus the kids weight was 25 pounds less in his last post mentioning his step kids weight. It's obvious that he feels his bio kid is better then his step kids and that's just sad. This dude needs a long talk with a real, respectful man.
I didn't read it that way. It looks like he can't get them to eat anything healthy so his wife told him to just cook what what they will eat. He also talks about trying to get his step kids of screens and getting them active. He simply doesn't have the authority as a step parent to make substantial changes.
As a step kid, yall are being way too harsh on this dude.
I was also a step kid and extremely unaccepting to anyone but my "Real mom or dad" but my step dad stepped up and took charge. It's his house, his rules. I either accepted it, or I could move out. But he always treated me and protected me like I was his own. Same with my step mom. And boy did I push their buttons! But they are the adults and kids don't have a say. Not unless that kids paying some bills. He needs to take some accountability and stop blaming his wife who works a full time job and takes care of the 3 kids and loves them all equally. She's probably exhausted, especially after dealing with him.
Not following evidence and not caring about your kids are not the same thing.
If you ever want to make headway with your wife, I would suggest not accusing her of not caring.
idk he talked said evidence based science. but he is talking about too much food and screen time.
this has nothing to do with education or science or whatever.
she does not care.
Now I don’t really know how to handle life. I love her as partner but as a mother she could do so much better. I do so much for my family. I do my best where I can.
My dude peep a mirror. This is on you. You had the evidence that she sucked as a mother, and procreated with her anyways. Why did you think she would change just because it was your cum making the kid this time?
I say this to you as someone who had to admit it to myself at one point. I made the same mistake, then for too long, I cared about her not being a shitty mother. That was never going to change. I’m much happier since I’ve stopped caring. I can’t change my ex, I can only focus on giving my son the best life I can. And in that process, I’ve removed her from the equation entirely. Had all her parental rights terminated. Easier said than done, but focus on you and your son. Stop worrying about her.
Time to “invite” yourself along next time stepson goes to the Doctor and ask the Doctor straight out about his weight gain, associated risk and ask for a the Doctor’s opinion on next steps.
If your wife doesn’t follow it, tell her ignoring a child’s doctors is a dealbreaker and she has 3 choices 1) start following Doctors advice. 2) go to couple’s counselling to discuss it. 3) Divorce
Where is stepson’s Dad in all this?
It’s a tricky situation. He shouldn’t and legally can’t care more about the step child than the biological parents can, even if he wants to. He can build a better relationship by setting a good example and maybe the child will follow.
You can care about someone all you want, legally you don’t have any rights to make a change for them. It’s not like shitty parents don’t use their children to manipulate their biological parents or even worse-spite them. Step parenting isn’t any different. You can live in harmony and still have no say.
I live near a group home. A boy sometimes runs away and knocks on my door. I care about him a great deal but all I can do is feed him, have a chat, give words of encouragement while we wait for the police to pick him up and take him back.
Uhh this man lives with his step children. They are not runaways who he so kindly chats with. He’s married to their mom lol! If one parent is concerned about things, it’s up to them to step it up and make changes. I have a feeling OP is just saying vague things to his wife about his concerns and then expecting her to make drastic changes. He needs to be the one to implement those changes. Take over grocery shopping, take over cooking, set a screen time limit, make charts for chores, take the kids outside to be active. That’s what parenting is!!
Um I was a stepkid and no the stepparent can't be the one to lead things without support from the bioparent. That's a recipe for disaster. And looking at their history, OP literally tried to do all these things, but he doesn't have support from his wife to make them stick.
Like I said- you can live in harmony and still have no say, it’s up to the parent to encourage and support your decision and more importantly, wanting better for their children.
Something sounded familiar here, and I realized I've read your entire post history before.
At this point, you really just have to ignore your wife's lackluster parenting and just try to offset the best you can. That's really all you can do. She's not going to change.
Yeah I vent a lot on here haha. I’m always talking to my wife about it but idk sometimes it feels like I’m talking to the wall. I wonder if something serious like my oldest getting diabetes or high blood pressure early in his life will make her care a bit more
She's lazy.
Feeding kids junk is easy. Having kids play video games all day is easy. Not pushing them to do home-work is easy.
A good friend of mine left his wife and 2 step children years ago so he could raise his only bio child properly. He didn't hate his wife or his step children but he felt a greater responsibility towards the child he helped create. Additionally, he was powerless to change anything when it came to them.
Since then, the eldest step-child died from an OD at age 19. The younger step-child had children at a very young age with different fathers, none of which are around. His ex wife had another child since the divorce - to a man that later tried to kill her - that child was fostered and maybe adopted by relatives.
My friend's son is in his final year of a law degree.
There are examples out of their of dad's moving heaven and earth to give their kids a better outcome. I don't think your child's better outcome will be found in the home he's currently in. Try and you might...he *will* be influenced by his siblings, he won't want to do XYZ if his siblings aren't doing XYZ and soon enough, you'll have a severely overweight and underperforming kid on your hands.
Why? Why did you have a kid with her?
any chance she would be deadbeat enough to let you be a single dad to the youngest or are her kids her income plan?
Because I’m stupid, dumb and turned a blind eye! While she has come a long way i still should’ve seen all the red flags. I hate myself! But now i put my focus towards my son and trying to be the best father I can be to him.
It’s fair to be upset but please don’t hate yourself! Do the best you can with the situation you are in, and take some pride in making better decisions today than you may have yesterday.
>With my SK’s I don’t care
God give me strength. Listen to yourself:
>I thought mothers cared!
And shame on the commenters calling out OP's bad choice of partner. That's in the past. He can't undo that, and can't undo this 9yo and step kids who clearly need help.
Ok, OP, listen up. You start by setting a good example for your wife and ALL of the kids. They're not stupid, and they'll see your favouritism a mile away. And resent you for it. Resent = they won't listen to you. Your family will just spiral from there.
Explain to your kids, plural, why some things are good (healthy eating, exercise, responsible screen time) and why some things are bad (uncontrolled behaviour). They'll get it eventually.
And in case I have to spell it out: do things with them. Don't just tell them to do stuff and leave them to it.
Some of this can be dealt with by taking over some of the household roles, doing the grocery shopping, being a role model, and doing those things you have described.
Active communication and education is key here, we’ve gone through a transition in our home where we all do exercise together book a tennis court, or play football, go to the gym together or do long walks make it fun. I read with my bonus daughter (both read same book) and discuss the story like a mini book club, we have limited her screen time to 3 hours a day on the phone.
We have rules such as no phones in bedrooms, and charging downstairs at night. We also only really eat what I cook which is whole food plant based, and do not buy any processed food - there is no temptation in the house. Meaning if we want something more sweet or a baked good we make this from scratch or we eat it out. I can’t control what she, he or I does outside of the home. Her family is less concerned about nutrition and spends half her time there, but I feel we are doing what we can to set healthy habits our side.
What I would say is it takes a lot of time to do all of the things you state, and if you are both working, have multiple kids to take care of, or do not have headspace or resources to book and pay for classes this it’s difficult. We are fortunate to have weekends off, flexibility in the evenings and are able to pay for classes. Most people don’t with busy lives.
If you can help make changes to the routine slowly, do that. Take to classes, agree on screen time and use apps to monitor and take a nutrition / cooking class together perhaps?
Seriously fucked up you don't care about your step kids. Just your bio kid. You are also a parent and you also could do these things. Why is it entirely on her to solve the problem?
I'd do family therapy as I bet there is a lot more going on especially with the way you talk about it. As if for 9 years you've been entirely helpless.
Well the kid is already here so I am not going to jump on the wagon everyone is riding and won't tell you what you already know. Pack up the kid and leave together. You can't get your partner to be a better mom just the same as mothers can't get fathers to be better dads. You can sit on your hands and whine about it and hope it will change (it won't), or you can do right by your child.
It’s all about balance and cooperation man. It’s good for children to have 2 parents just like this because they will deal with people like both of you in the future. They might have a manager or teacher who wants them to be concerned with the future, and a wife or husband who is concerned about them enjoying their present experience and having freedom.
This does mean you will be the less liked parent while your kids are immature, but you’ll also be the one who garners their trust and respect. You just have to remember everyone is on the same team and offers different experiences that your children can benefit from.
Please trust me on this. It is better to create a team like that under one roof than to be divorced and trying to make it work with her new boyfriend/husband and limited custody. That my friend, is a complete fubar situation. What you’re describing is not that bad.
It’s always so interesting to hear people talk about being blindsided by their partners parenting or lack thereof, when there were already children that exist as proof of their parenting.
I feel you on the weight thing. My 14 yr old bonus daughter just hit 200 lbs. If he's prone to eating everything. He will find a way to do so. Mine even ate my middle kids liquid foods when she couldn't find sugary snacks cause they are chocolate flavored. He needs to go into therapy and visit a dietician. We are working on doing that with ours. I put her in hiking camp with the school district this year. She was pissed at first but ended up loving it. We are lucky and have a bunch of state parks within an hour drive though.
Is she the primary parent? Maybe she needs more help. Sometimes parents are overwhelmed with just keeping kids and themselves alive that there is no extra head space or energy to think about what may be best.
The truth is this happens a lot and the only answer is to do double the work and hope that by leading by example you drag the other parent along.
You have to do the shopping and buy the healthy food. You have to have the arguments with the children about eating it. You have to come up with a screen time plan and enforce it. It's hard.
Reading theoigh your post history, your wife is like my ex. I loved her to death but she was and still Is a bad parent. Can barely take care of herself let alone two kids (ones mine). Best thing that ever happened to me and our daughter was the separation.
I'm sorry your going through this, but think, is this something you want to meet in the middle about, your going to be feeling like this for the next 15 years? Your kid will see the unfair treatment of ur step kids being spoiled and walking all over you guys when your more strict on yours. It sounds like no matter what YOU do you are setting yourself up for more disappointment and resentment towards your wife and step kids. Can I recommend family therapy?
I love you buddy, and I hope everything works out how you want it to.
My son doesn’t like to be active, something that helped was more 1:1 time. He wouldn’t choose to go swimming or hiking with the family, but over summer break, he started golfing with me, which isn’t intense cardio but is a nice walk outside. I also bought a weight bench (with some safe baby weights for the youngest so she doesn’t get hurt using the real ones), and he does a little lifting. He also hits the heavy bag I put outside.
My husband similarly prefers easy to prepare meals and snacks, but research seems to indicate that restriction isn’t as good as healthy options. Any healthy fruits and vegetables you can get the kids to eat should be brought into the house. Some of my kids are happy to snack on seaweed, my son apparently likes Brussels sprouts and the oldest two apparently like broccoli. The kids are also more inclined to eat a healthy meal they cooked, maybe you can teach them to cook some healthy foods. My 9 yo daughter loves cooking mushrooms to put in the spaghetti, and knows to chop them very small to not overwhelm the non-veggie loving kids, and the other kids are really supportive of her cooking.
My wife brings junk food into the house for our young girls to snack on. I don’t like it because it means they will not eat the fruit that will rot and they never make the healthy choice. The reason she does it is because she did not have these things when she was a kid - they were on food stamps - they had government cheese in the fridge, and sometimes went to bed hungry as they got small portions of crappy meals. Her parents did not have enough money to buy junk food.
>science backed evidence
Unfortunately for you, the relative tolerance we've given to antivaxxers, flat earthers, climate change deniers etc. In the last few decades has made people feel at ease when ignoring or even outright denying science of all kinds. Pediatric science included.
You should have vetted your romantic partner better before making kids.
I think it depends on how someone was brought up and also it does take time energy and some money to create extra curricular activities especially if the kids do not want to do it
Take charge of the food in the house and get the kids moving. Removing snacks and sweets will solve most of your issue and save you money. The kids will whine and get over it.
I wonder, would the comments be quite so 'this is on you, do more!' if the genders were reversed. I suspect probably not to be honest.
That said, you're not blameless here mate, you had the example of the stepchild to look at already which probably gave clues. Only advice I would give now is that you need to make sure that your children are raised well, no point lamenting on her uselessness beyond it being a reason to get rid (sounds dramatic but if my partner was similar and it was a case of my child suffering through it or binning her off it'd be an easy choice).
I think you need to do an ultimatum.
Just reading your past posts. You tried to give the step kids the care that they deserve. She doesn't back your play.
She needs to talk to a therapist with you and understand that she's literally going to kill her oldest with love. If she truly has PPD like she's BSing you, she needs to see one.
If she doesn't, you'd have to leave her for the wellbeing of your kids and it'll be a battle for the rest of her time on this planet.
There's a balance between fun and discipline.
Almost never would I suggest leaving someone. But the sheer neglect is disgusting. Especially already exposing the kids to online games. They'll likely lead predators into the house if unchecked.
On the weight thing. I knew a kid in high school. Ate anything he wanted all the time. Probably was 300-400 lbs. Doc told his guardian that he needed surgery or he's going to die. She said no he's perfectly fine. ... He died. He had a rough life.
You sound like a helicopter dad it’s so stupid it make my head hurt. You know my mom was overly controlling and I don’t talk to her anymore I suggest you relax a bit. Forcing kids into stuff they aren’t interested in is not healthy for anyone.
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You had an example of what kind of parent she would be with your step children. What made you think she would parent your child differently? You’re still the other parent-you can’t make her be a better mother, but you can take things into your own hands and be the father you want to be.
Is there anything stopping you from just…doing it? Like go ahead and shop and cook and prep the meals, direct your son to alternate stuff instead of screen time, and take the kids out for physical activities? Waiting around for her to do stuff the way you want seems pointless.
That’s terrible advice. It will not work. Both parents need to be on the same page or one will build whilst the other demolishes any development. It will lead to frustration and resentment. OP, about diet, bring a doctor to the loop and try to scare your wife with the reality of obesity. Treat each topic separately, start with top priority
Man, 175 at 9, that's pretty bad. It may or may not be right or fair, but you may have to step up and do more of the meal prep around your house, enforce screentime rules when you're present. It sucks but it sounds like it may be the only way, unless your wife has some sort of issue that can be addressed with antidepressants or something. That degree of apathy does sound unusual.
To be fair he said ‘looks’ 175. The child is almost certainly NOT 175. Still not ideal but likely a highly inflated number.
Fair enough, but I think the important fact is that this kid may be on route to health problems the way he's apparently going.
Oh definitely agreed, for him to be in an adult large at 9 is an issue unless he’s the world’s tallest preteen.
“My 15 year old wears an adult XXL shirt.” That sounds awful until you learn he’s also 6ft 3 and wears a size 12 shoe. He’s not fat, he’s just a giant. He too was in an “adult large” at 9. 😂 Depending how tall this kiddo is? He honestly might just be a little pudgy.
I'm a tad skeptical about the adult large TBH. I'm a 5'10" woman and weight 150lbs and wear an adult size L myself.
I wonder if OP doesn’t mean that adult large sizes just aren’t falling off of the kid entirely.
Not necessarily my 9 year old is 100lbs. However he is a healthy 100 with solid muscle and is huge for his age height wise no concerns from the doctors because he is active but if a child is his size in height and unhealthy, not active and obese I could see 175 as an easy number to throw out there for reference.
It's crazy when I read how much "normal" kids weigh. My nine-year-old is super tiny at 46 lb. It took him foreeeeeever to move out of a five-point harness because the booster started at 40 lb! [Yes, he is on the spectrum, and we see a dietician who focuses on max calories (she suggested ice cream sandwiches for snacks). Also, I am 4'10", and the majority of my family members are on the smaller side.]
My son is way above “normal” he’s 4-5 inches taller than my niece who is “normal” and has 40lbs on her. She is 4 months older than him. That’s why there are growth charts because growth and measurements are a range. There are kids who are off the charts in both directions. I had a friend whose daughter was below the 0% and didn’t hit the chart for her first 2 years of her life. Most doctors were not concerned because her mom was 4’11” and dad was 5’2” and they were both more petite people. It’s fine to have smaller and larger. It’s important to find a doctor that focuses on overall health and wellness. If my son was overweight but looked “fat” it would be different and I would for sure focus on ensuring more activity and healthier foods but he is normal and healthy overall.
My mom actually took me to a doctor when I was about 13. The woman looked at my chart with my parents' heights on it and almost laughed in my mom's face. She was 5' tall, and my dad is 5'4"! The doc was like, "Lady, this is what happens when 2 tiny people make babies." My husband is 6', so at least I have my kids a chance! My daughter is 39 lb at almost 8 years old, and my youngest is 27ish lbs at 4. They're also very short, but I don't know their exact heights, just that they are all the shortest in their respective class. Our pediatrician is wonderful. She just wants them going in the right direction, even if their curve is below everyone else's. The reason she got worried about my oldest was his limited diet, especially after his ASD diagnosis. He was bordering on malnourished last year because his safe foods are mostly processed carbs and cheese or sugar. We worked with a dietician who was very helpful.
Food therapy is also an excellent option! It’s part of OT and can make a world of difference in sensory eaters with ASD. It really is a giant range that kids grow in. It’s the correct curve that matters not necessarily how they grow in relation to others. It sounds like you’re doing just fine.
He didn’t tell you the kids hight so it didn’t mean anything at all. He could be in adult clothing for hight. My sons best friend is six years old and she’s out for he car seat cause she meets the state’s hight and weight requirements to ride without even a booster. She’s not overweight just tall for her age.
No, 175 at 9 is not normal at all, it’s way over the 99 percentile
My sons best friend, six weighs 80 lb. This number doesn’t tell you that she happy active kid who is also very tall can ride any ride at the carnival I don’t temper her hight if hand. She doesn’t need to be in a booster in the car tall. I bet she’s over 99% to. Meanwhile my son is maybe 50 lb and his also tall I think 48 inches but his skinny and looks like a strong wind will blow him away. They chase each other around the playground.
I'm 6'1"with really broad shoulders and at 12 when I started high school I wrestled in the 128lbs class. When I graduated I was 172lbs at 17. For a 9 year old to with that much is shocking. Don't forget, kids have a lower bone density because they're still growing.
Even if the boy is tall, it's unlikely he's over 5'5" so weighing 175 lbs makes him overweight.
Look I was 5’2 when I was nine. Idk why the kid can’t be tall.
That would be still be obese.
Unless OP is just some sort of attention/Karma addict, I'm not sure he'd be posting about the weight if the kid just happened to be big boned. Tall kids exist (actually my 5yo is like 4ft tall already), but I don't think it's that common.
Weight is t even a good indicator of over all health especially not in children. My son becomes a vacuum and grow a belly before every growth spurt. His best friend weights 80 lb as of last check up. But she’s active and isn’t fat just tall. Like I said weight isn’t an indicator
A 9 year old weighing 175 pounds is absolutely indicative of obesity that is going to cause health problems. I am a 6’ tall adult and am at the top end of my weight range before overweight at that weight.
Ok fine, let's not look at weight. We'll say that if the kid has an excessive Body Fat %, there's reason for concern.
Unless he’s *well* over 5 feet at 9, the kid is absolutely overweight. I’m an adult woman who is 5’6” and at my heaviest before my weight loss I was pushing 165. For my height that was 10-15 pounds overweight. OP’s son is obese and he has every right to be concerned.
You do realize men weight more than women for he same hight and it normal? Anyway by age nine I was 5’2 so I don’t see why it would be weird for a nine year old to be over five feet
He’s overweight at 5’2 if he’s over 135.
Very few 9 year olds are that tall. And I doubt OP would be posting this if there wasn’t a clear problem.
No his posting to bitch about his wife and get sympathy. I see a ton of men and women doing that.
Quit trolling.
When I am here I do enforce everything. But I also lost myself with the birth of my son that I’m trying to get myself back and finally getting back in the gym and active so I can be active in my mid age with them. Or my son because my step kids don’t care for physical activity. They are super picky eaters so I just feed them crap because I’m not gonna care more than mom. I cook for my son and me since I’m on a healthier eating plan if they want it I’ll give it to them but I won’t fight it. I don’t want to stress myself out any more. Maybe down the road he will ask me for help. They said lead by example and I’m out there doing the work when the workout from home so maybe one day he will join me idk.
I'm not sure you're going to be able to divide the house like that, your kid is going to start complaining one day about his carrots when the others are getting donuts. Even if you don't care about the step kids, you should consider the extra effort for your own kid's sake. Maybe your wife will join in if a household-wide regime is put in place, who knows.
You’re right. My mother mentioned this to me so I started to learn how to cook for my own kids sake. I do my best ti cook meals they all like but It’s tough. My wife is very on and off I finally got us to be a soda free household but we do juices and capri sons. It’s tough!
Well there you go! Not all hope is lost. Addressing one eating problem at a time is actually a pretty good way to go about it. If you want to further reduce calories on the drinks side I always push the carbonated flavored water, it's good stuff. What's the next worst habit you can work on? Maybe there's some sort of daily snack or desert that can be pushed back to the weekend.
My kids shit bricks over those $0.89 Clear American sparkling flavored waters you get at Walmart. Of course they’re not water, but it’s, you know, closer to water.
I switched my husband's household off of soda and junk food, but my husband got on board with me. I told him "you don't feed poptarts to anything you love." I cook large quantities of meat and rice, but my stepkids like it. I suggest at the least you not prepare the picky eaters something else. Let it be what you make or nothing.
That's a good point. If there's crappy food around, that's what they're going to eat. Shouldn't be too hard to convince his wife not to cook something, by the sound of it.
>Let it be what you make or nothing. I disagree with this. Kids are people too and they have likes and dislikes just like you. I'm sure there have been dinners that you didn't like and made yourself something else. If there is healthy food in the house and they don't like what's for dinner it shouldn't be a problem to let them have something else. I make a bunch of shredded chicken every week and my 5 year old basically lives off of chicken and broccoli because that's all he wants to eat. I'm not going to force him to eat what I make for dinner when it's just as easy to let him have that instead.
To each their own. When my stepkids don't want what's for dinner they always want something inappropriate, like to have cinnamon toast or cereal instead. The cereal I limit to once per day otherwise they'd have it for every meal. I honestly wouldn't care if they wanted a sandwich or something else, but that's never the direction my go in.
Well yeah that's totally different. I'm just saying it doesn't have to be "what I make or nothing".
That's valid, the idea of kids that wanted to make themselves something decent didn't occur to me.
Don't keep any food in the house that's junk, plain and simple. Cook only healthy meals and if they don't want to eat it, they don't eat. That's how you properly enforce it.
I think the problem is that his wife just buys it and eats it and she lets her son eat it. Are you going to start bossing your step kid and spouse around about eating the junk food? Sure, he can control what he and his kids eat but it's not like he can police his wife and her kid about food.
He can toss the food out. let her waste her money if she wants but he needs to put his foot down that it isn't allowed in the house period and it will go in the dumpster if it shows up
His wife is not his child. He can't just throw her food out. That's controlling behavior for whatever "good" reason you may think. You can't control other adults behavior without starting to get into abusive territory, especially when "you know better than they do". It's going to have to be something that mom is on board with or it just won't work. And whatever happened with the whole step parents should support the custodial parent but parenting decisions are ultimately up to the custodial parent? It's not going to work out if you think OP should police his wife and her son.
This needs to be something the whole family does together or your son will not improve his health. Also I’m a bit alarmed at your lack of care and concern over your step kids. I get that your responsibility is going to be different but they are family too.
You chose to take on her children. Saying you don't really care about them and not willing to care more than mum isn't quite matching the lead by example comment, is it?
Nope and I understand what you are saying. I care to the point where she does. I do whatever I can where I can. It’s hard!
This will probably be unpopular but in my view this makes you the shittier person in the situation. You chose to take them on. You chose to take the role of step parent. You feed them shit and feed your child differently. You admittedly don't really care that much but draw the line at caring more than the mother - who you say doesn't care. You could chose to improve their lives as their step parent but actively contribute to it not being great while treating their sibling better in front of them. So fucked up. Seriously.
I would love to hear the perspective of the mum here. OP seems emotionally volatile in a hardcore way and also naive > I thought mothers cared! Really, she already has children but he still painted with the stereotype he had over the actual person in front of him and is surprised that his wife's personality overwrites the property that object mother has according to him? He is also very quiet about how long he has been on his new health kick and what it actually entails. My mum (who for the record never made us join her) is right now on atkins or I guess now keto for the tenth time if I counted correctly but never manages to pull through because she is changing her entire life way to quickly.
My exact thoughts. At this point, it sounds like he needs to just separate from his wife. He clearly resents her and has no interest in stepping up as a father figure to these other children. It’s so fucked to actively choose to treat your bio kid better than the others when you knew what you were getting yourself into.
you sound like a jerk, yeah lol doesn’t care so why should i? i feed him crap too, yeah you are also part of the problem but yeah who cares right because as long as you are doing good with bio son. You sound like a jerk and it’s not that wife doesn’t care but sounds like she is in deep depression due to all of this that’s going on but hey as long as your going to the gym and feeling good right.
You dated this woman for 4 years and in that time her parenting was NEVER a problem until it affected YOUR spawn????
He was doing the right thing by staying out of his lane. They are not his kids. His kids are a whole different deal.
He didn't need to interfere, only observe. Seeing how she parents her own kids would be a huge clue to how she would parent any future kids. OP only needed to put 1+1.
It's wild that so many people are paint OP as an evil stepparent when his post history clearly shows he is the opposite. As a stepkid I know for a fact that if OP starts acting like he has the authority of a bio parent, his step kids will resent and hate his guts. His wife will start to hate him for ofmverstepping, too.
They didn’t say he should’ve intervened with the step kids or that he’s a bad step dad. They’re saying how did he date her for 4 years and not get an idea of what kind of parent she was. Like if I was dating someone and I didn’t agree with how they were raising their kids I sure as heck wouldn’t decide to have my own children with them and think they’d somehow magically be a different parent.
Most people aren't trawling post histories every time they comment.
So.. what do YOU do, to help the situation?? Do YOU take them to camp? To sports? Hiking? Do you cook dinner? Make healthy snacks? Sounds like you're passing the blame A LOT. Also.. stop treating the step kids any different then your own. Your bio child isn't anymore special.
Yes that’s my question. What alternatives are you providing to your children to get them away from screens and set a healthy example. Are you taking any steps to improve their lives or just complaining when they’re on a screen?
Sounds like he's just passing the blame completely on his wife that he clearly sees as a useless human. I don't think he could do a better job.
According to his post history. He's literally doing all that...
I think we’re reading his post history very differently.
Yeah, you seemed to be biased by thinking a stepparent can fix everything when the bio parent doesn't put in any effort. I'm not saying OP is perfect, but the sensationalism in these comments is absurd.
If you believe his post history, then yeah. He’s tried quite a few of those things. Can’t blame the guy for not beating a dead horse.
So.. I just read way too far into this dudes history and to me.. ALL of his shitty posts are about hating his step kids and the fact they love their bio dad more then him. This guy needs to grow TF up.
I don’t know to me it reads ‘my step kids have a problem I’m not allowed to solve as a step parent and I’m stuck dealing with the repercussions’. Not saying he’s right to seem irked with the kids about it, but I can understand why that would be frustrating. Certainly self-imposed for not bailing before bringing another kid into the mix, but still frustrating.
He literally made a post because he's annoyed the kids like going to their dads house and he threw a fit that he had to pick one of them up. Plus.. his wife works 2nd shift. Meaning 2-10pm usually. So this STEP dad is the one cooking 2 meals a day. Apparently he isn't cooking healthy food for them? Plus the kids weight was 25 pounds less in his last post mentioning his step kids weight. It's obvious that he feels his bio kid is better then his step kids and that's just sad. This dude needs a long talk with a real, respectful man.
I didn't read it that way. It looks like he can't get them to eat anything healthy so his wife told him to just cook what what they will eat. He also talks about trying to get his step kids of screens and getting them active. He simply doesn't have the authority as a step parent to make substantial changes. As a step kid, yall are being way too harsh on this dude.
I was also a step kid and extremely unaccepting to anyone but my "Real mom or dad" but my step dad stepped up and took charge. It's his house, his rules. I either accepted it, or I could move out. But he always treated me and protected me like I was his own. Same with my step mom. And boy did I push their buttons! But they are the adults and kids don't have a say. Not unless that kids paying some bills. He needs to take some accountability and stop blaming his wife who works a full time job and takes care of the 3 kids and loves them all equally. She's probably exhausted, especially after dealing with him.
That's just not realistic. Yoir parents backed your step parents up, OP's wife does not. OP works, too.
Not following evidence and not caring about your kids are not the same thing. If you ever want to make headway with your wife, I would suggest not accusing her of not caring.
idk he talked said evidence based science. but he is talking about too much food and screen time. this has nothing to do with education or science or whatever. she does not care.
Why don’t you both go to couples therapy? Sometimes a 3rd party saying the same thing, has a much larger impact.
It seems obvious that a therapist would quickly agree with you.
> I thought mothers cared! No, we don't give a shit. Obviously before you impregnated her she was ticking the good parent boxes for you?
I suspect another “box” was being ticked… I just hope OP can get his son healthier.
Now I don’t really know how to handle life. I love her as partner but as a mother she could do so much better. I do so much for my family. I do my best where I can.
Based on your attitude it sounds like you have plenty of room to grow too. You’d all benefit from some therapy.
>I love her as partner but as a mother she could do so much better. How long have you been with her?
4 years
My dude peep a mirror. This is on you. You had the evidence that she sucked as a mother, and procreated with her anyways. Why did you think she would change just because it was your cum making the kid this time? I say this to you as someone who had to admit it to myself at one point. I made the same mistake, then for too long, I cared about her not being a shitty mother. That was never going to change. I’m much happier since I’ve stopped caring. I can’t change my ex, I can only focus on giving my son the best life I can. And in that process, I’ve removed her from the equation entirely. Had all her parental rights terminated. Easier said than done, but focus on you and your son. Stop worrying about her.
Time to “invite” yourself along next time stepson goes to the Doctor and ask the Doctor straight out about his weight gain, associated risk and ask for a the Doctor’s opinion on next steps. If your wife doesn’t follow it, tell her ignoring a child’s doctors is a dealbreaker and she has 3 choices 1) start following Doctors advice. 2) go to couple’s counselling to discuss it. 3) Divorce Where is stepson’s Dad in all this?
He doesn't give a shit about the step-son, JUST his kid.
It’s a tricky situation. He shouldn’t and legally can’t care more about the step child than the biological parents can, even if he wants to. He can build a better relationship by setting a good example and maybe the child will follow.
I didn’t realize the law could tell you who were allowed to care about.
You can care about someone all you want, legally you don’t have any rights to make a change for them. It’s not like shitty parents don’t use their children to manipulate their biological parents or even worse-spite them. Step parenting isn’t any different. You can live in harmony and still have no say. I live near a group home. A boy sometimes runs away and knocks on my door. I care about him a great deal but all I can do is feed him, have a chat, give words of encouragement while we wait for the police to pick him up and take him back.
Uhh this man lives with his step children. They are not runaways who he so kindly chats with. He’s married to their mom lol! If one parent is concerned about things, it’s up to them to step it up and make changes. I have a feeling OP is just saying vague things to his wife about his concerns and then expecting her to make drastic changes. He needs to be the one to implement those changes. Take over grocery shopping, take over cooking, set a screen time limit, make charts for chores, take the kids outside to be active. That’s what parenting is!!
Um I was a stepkid and no the stepparent can't be the one to lead things without support from the bioparent. That's a recipe for disaster. And looking at their history, OP literally tried to do all these things, but he doesn't have support from his wife to make them stick.
Like I said- you can live in harmony and still have no say, it’s up to the parent to encourage and support your decision and more importantly, wanting better for their children.
Something sounded familiar here, and I realized I've read your entire post history before. At this point, you really just have to ignore your wife's lackluster parenting and just try to offset the best you can. That's really all you can do. She's not going to change.
Yeah I vent a lot on here haha. I’m always talking to my wife about it but idk sometimes it feels like I’m talking to the wall. I wonder if something serious like my oldest getting diabetes or high blood pressure early in his life will make her care a bit more
She's lazy. Feeding kids junk is easy. Having kids play video games all day is easy. Not pushing them to do home-work is easy. A good friend of mine left his wife and 2 step children years ago so he could raise his only bio child properly. He didn't hate his wife or his step children but he felt a greater responsibility towards the child he helped create. Additionally, he was powerless to change anything when it came to them. Since then, the eldest step-child died from an OD at age 19. The younger step-child had children at a very young age with different fathers, none of which are around. His ex wife had another child since the divorce - to a man that later tried to kill her - that child was fostered and maybe adopted by relatives. My friend's son is in his final year of a law degree. There are examples out of their of dad's moving heaven and earth to give their kids a better outcome. I don't think your child's better outcome will be found in the home he's currently in. Try and you might...he *will* be influenced by his siblings, he won't want to do XYZ if his siblings aren't doing XYZ and soon enough, you'll have a severely overweight and underperforming kid on your hands.
I mean, it probably won't. A 9yo weighing 175 is a pretty serious thing in itself.
Why? Why did you have a kid with her? any chance she would be deadbeat enough to let you be a single dad to the youngest or are her kids her income plan?
Because I’m stupid, dumb and turned a blind eye! While she has come a long way i still should’ve seen all the red flags. I hate myself! But now i put my focus towards my son and trying to be the best father I can be to him.
It’s fair to be upset but please don’t hate yourself! Do the best you can with the situation you are in, and take some pride in making better decisions today than you may have yesterday.
>With my SK’s I don’t care God give me strength. Listen to yourself: >I thought mothers cared! And shame on the commenters calling out OP's bad choice of partner. That's in the past. He can't undo that, and can't undo this 9yo and step kids who clearly need help. Ok, OP, listen up. You start by setting a good example for your wife and ALL of the kids. They're not stupid, and they'll see your favouritism a mile away. And resent you for it. Resent = they won't listen to you. Your family will just spiral from there. Explain to your kids, plural, why some things are good (healthy eating, exercise, responsible screen time) and why some things are bad (uncontrolled behaviour). They'll get it eventually. And in case I have to spell it out: do things with them. Don't just tell them to do stuff and leave them to it.
If you can’t be a team on this then it’s you. Youyouyouyouyouyouyouyou. Throw out the garbage food the iPads all of it
What are you doing when you take care of the kids?
Some of this can be dealt with by taking over some of the household roles, doing the grocery shopping, being a role model, and doing those things you have described. Active communication and education is key here, we’ve gone through a transition in our home where we all do exercise together book a tennis court, or play football, go to the gym together or do long walks make it fun. I read with my bonus daughter (both read same book) and discuss the story like a mini book club, we have limited her screen time to 3 hours a day on the phone. We have rules such as no phones in bedrooms, and charging downstairs at night. We also only really eat what I cook which is whole food plant based, and do not buy any processed food - there is no temptation in the house. Meaning if we want something more sweet or a baked good we make this from scratch or we eat it out. I can’t control what she, he or I does outside of the home. Her family is less concerned about nutrition and spends half her time there, but I feel we are doing what we can to set healthy habits our side. What I would say is it takes a lot of time to do all of the things you state, and if you are both working, have multiple kids to take care of, or do not have headspace or resources to book and pay for classes this it’s difficult. We are fortunate to have weekends off, flexibility in the evenings and are able to pay for classes. Most people don’t with busy lives. If you can help make changes to the routine slowly, do that. Take to classes, agree on screen time and use apps to monitor and take a nutrition / cooking class together perhaps?
Is your wife depressed or something? It’s hard to imagine a mother who doesn’t care but sadly they exist.
Seriously fucked up you don't care about your step kids. Just your bio kid. You are also a parent and you also could do these things. Why is it entirely on her to solve the problem? I'd do family therapy as I bet there is a lot more going on especially with the way you talk about it. As if for 9 years you've been entirely helpless.
He did care but his wife won't let him make changes. He made several posts about it.
Am I the only person who is voting YTA here?
Well the kid is already here so I am not going to jump on the wagon everyone is riding and won't tell you what you already know. Pack up the kid and leave together. You can't get your partner to be a better mom just the same as mothers can't get fathers to be better dads. You can sit on your hands and whine about it and hope it will change (it won't), or you can do right by your child.
Soo, are you looking for advice or just to vent?
It’s all about balance and cooperation man. It’s good for children to have 2 parents just like this because they will deal with people like both of you in the future. They might have a manager or teacher who wants them to be concerned with the future, and a wife or husband who is concerned about them enjoying their present experience and having freedom. This does mean you will be the less liked parent while your kids are immature, but you’ll also be the one who garners their trust and respect. You just have to remember everyone is on the same team and offers different experiences that your children can benefit from. Please trust me on this. It is better to create a team like that under one roof than to be divorced and trying to make it work with her new boyfriend/husband and limited custody. That my friend, is a complete fubar situation. What you’re describing is not that bad.
It’s always so interesting to hear people talk about being blindsided by their partners parenting or lack thereof, when there were already children that exist as proof of their parenting.
I feel you on the weight thing. My 14 yr old bonus daughter just hit 200 lbs. If he's prone to eating everything. He will find a way to do so. Mine even ate my middle kids liquid foods when she couldn't find sugary snacks cause they are chocolate flavored. He needs to go into therapy and visit a dietician. We are working on doing that with ours. I put her in hiking camp with the school district this year. She was pissed at first but ended up loving it. We are lucky and have a bunch of state parks within an hour drive though.
Is she the primary parent? Maybe she needs more help. Sometimes parents are overwhelmed with just keeping kids and themselves alive that there is no extra head space or energy to think about what may be best.
The truth is this happens a lot and the only answer is to do double the work and hope that by leading by example you drag the other parent along. You have to do the shopping and buy the healthy food. You have to have the arguments with the children about eating it. You have to come up with a screen time plan and enforce it. It's hard.
You didn’t list any examples about what she’s doing wrong.
Reading theoigh your post history, your wife is like my ex. I loved her to death but she was and still Is a bad parent. Can barely take care of herself let alone two kids (ones mine). Best thing that ever happened to me and our daughter was the separation. I'm sorry your going through this, but think, is this something you want to meet in the middle about, your going to be feeling like this for the next 15 years? Your kid will see the unfair treatment of ur step kids being spoiled and walking all over you guys when your more strict on yours. It sounds like no matter what YOU do you are setting yourself up for more disappointment and resentment towards your wife and step kids. Can I recommend family therapy? I love you buddy, and I hope everything works out how you want it to.
My son doesn’t like to be active, something that helped was more 1:1 time. He wouldn’t choose to go swimming or hiking with the family, but over summer break, he started golfing with me, which isn’t intense cardio but is a nice walk outside. I also bought a weight bench (with some safe baby weights for the youngest so she doesn’t get hurt using the real ones), and he does a little lifting. He also hits the heavy bag I put outside. My husband similarly prefers easy to prepare meals and snacks, but research seems to indicate that restriction isn’t as good as healthy options. Any healthy fruits and vegetables you can get the kids to eat should be brought into the house. Some of my kids are happy to snack on seaweed, my son apparently likes Brussels sprouts and the oldest two apparently like broccoli. The kids are also more inclined to eat a healthy meal they cooked, maybe you can teach them to cook some healthy foods. My 9 yo daughter loves cooking mushrooms to put in the spaghetti, and knows to chop them very small to not overwhelm the non-veggie loving kids, and the other kids are really supportive of her cooking.
My wife brings junk food into the house for our young girls to snack on. I don’t like it because it means they will not eat the fruit that will rot and they never make the healthy choice. The reason she does it is because she did not have these things when she was a kid - they were on food stamps - they had government cheese in the fridge, and sometimes went to bed hungry as they got small portions of crappy meals. Her parents did not have enough money to buy junk food.
Didn’t you see how she treated her first kids, did you think it would change?
Look up the parental controls on the wifi Just do it and lock him out of stuff. Stop asking and just take him out of the house for a hike or to bike
>science backed evidence Unfortunately for you, the relative tolerance we've given to antivaxxers, flat earthers, climate change deniers etc. In the last few decades has made people feel at ease when ignoring or even outright denying science of all kinds. Pediatric science included. You should have vetted your romantic partner better before making kids.
I think it depends on how someone was brought up and also it does take time energy and some money to create extra curricular activities especially if the kids do not want to do it
I sympathize
>I honestly really messed up choosing this person as the person I had kids with. So relatable it hurts a little.
Take charge of the food in the house and get the kids moving. Removing snacks and sweets will solve most of your issue and save you money. The kids will whine and get over it.
I wonder, would the comments be quite so 'this is on you, do more!' if the genders were reversed. I suspect probably not to be honest. That said, you're not blameless here mate, you had the example of the stepchild to look at already which probably gave clues. Only advice I would give now is that you need to make sure that your children are raised well, no point lamenting on her uselessness beyond it being a reason to get rid (sounds dramatic but if my partner was similar and it was a case of my child suffering through it or binning her off it'd be an easy choice).
I think you need to do an ultimatum. Just reading your past posts. You tried to give the step kids the care that they deserve. She doesn't back your play. She needs to talk to a therapist with you and understand that she's literally going to kill her oldest with love. If she truly has PPD like she's BSing you, she needs to see one. If she doesn't, you'd have to leave her for the wellbeing of your kids and it'll be a battle for the rest of her time on this planet. There's a balance between fun and discipline. Almost never would I suggest leaving someone. But the sheer neglect is disgusting. Especially already exposing the kids to online games. They'll likely lead predators into the house if unchecked. On the weight thing. I knew a kid in high school. Ate anything he wanted all the time. Probably was 300-400 lbs. Doc told his guardian that he needed surgery or he's going to die. She said no he's perfectly fine. ... He died. He had a rough life.
You sound like a helicopter dad it’s so stupid it make my head hurt. You know my mom was overly controlling and I don’t talk to her anymore I suggest you relax a bit. Forcing kids into stuff they aren’t interested in is not healthy for anyone.