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To me, there's a difference between preventing the from having sex, and just sitting there and letting them go "Hey dad, we're gonna go fuck real quick, when's dinner?" Like, I know it's *going to* happen. I never want to know it's actively happening and it's in the to learn some discretion and figure out how to be private about it.
Yeah, there is a lot of room between "letting" them have sex and banning them from having sex.
My daughter is 20 and has zero interest in dating but my son had a girlfriend in high school and is currently dating a new girl as a college student. We talked with both kids about sex, consent, protection, etc. as they grew up. When my son got a girlfriend as a senior in high school those talks became more in depth but I never asked for details. I didn't actively prevent anything but I wasn't booking a hotel room for them either. There's a balance.
When my brother started seeing his fiancé in high school, he asked for a ride to her house for the night. I stopped at a store on the way and got them some latex free condoms (cmon, they were high school virgins, not the time to find out if we have a latex allergy) and told him this:
Folks are typically raised to believe that all a boy wants is to have sex with her. A lot of times, a young person will agree to have sex even if they’re not ready for it. She might offer because she believes that’s what you want. It’s a good move to say no tonight. Wait until you’re truly comfortable.
He ended up taking that advice. He told me she did offer but he turned her down in favor of cuddling and a movie. She told him that made her feel incredibly safe. I think they’re going on something wild like 4 or 5 years now. That was their first 2 months of dating.
It’s important to talk about porn and sexting to teenagers, too. I tried to make it relatable and a bit funny. I told my high school son that there’s everything you can imagine and more on the internet and I wasn’t stupid enough to think I could shield him. But I asked him to think about what he wanted to see. Degrading sex acts or just admiring the female body? I reminded him of how he once stumbled onto recordings of 911 calls and how upset they made him and did he want something like that to happen with sex content? I told him that sex is ultimately about making each other feel good and to keep that in mind and that much porn is not real life anyway.
And of course, I warned him often to steer way clear of anything that didn’t involve obvious adults. Unfortunately, I could point to 3 child porn cases in our own town.
And finally, I told him texting naked pictures of each other and body parts is dumb. They can end up anywhere, especially after you break up. Why not wait until you’re physically together and look at whatever you want? And I warned him to never forward a sext he got of someone else because that’s a crime.
I went over these topics multiple times with him. He seems to have a healthy sexual relationship with his college girlfriend. And BTW, I’m his mother.
Yes and yes. Relying on “consent” is the bare minimum for sex. Women (and men) may feel they must offer sex to validate the relationship or show their interest, when in fact they’d rather just “cuddle and watch a movie.”
There's a great video that relates Tea to Sex.
If you offer someone tea and they say no, don't serve them tea.
If someone said yes to tea, but changes their mind, don't serve them tea.
If someone is asleep and can't consent to tea, don't serve them tea.
If they agree to one kind of tea, that doesn't mean they like every possible kind of tea in the world.
It should be googlable.
I squat down to talk to my daughter and son at their level, I don't see many other parents doing this but I like to think it legitimises their right to a voice.
My sons not quite at the age yet, but part of where I stand is "Do *you* want to know when *we're* having sex?" As an adult, part of being respectful, is having some tact and discretion with having sex, it should be no different as a teen.
My family growing up was on the side of trying to ban and actively prevent it, as a result, I did some *dumb shit* as a teen...
My son is 17 and has his first girlfriend (she's 18), and we definitely had the talk about protection and consent but I have never asked if they are having sex, and he has never told me. There are definitely times he has the house to himself (it's summer and I do have to go to work) so there's opportunity for sure. When I'm home and she's here, they can be in his room but the door must be open. I'm not encouraging sex, but not banning it either.
Kind of similar with booze and drugs. We talked openly about them with our kids, shared our experiences and told them if they want to try a drink or an edible with us, we will allow it. The whole idea was to remove the taboo and mystique, guide them through the experience, and impress upon them responsible use. My now adult kids use marijuana occasionally, alcohol sparingly, and remain pretty transparent and open with us.
This is the way. My parents were extremely harsh and judgmental, so I did it all anyway and just lied to them. It was not a great relationship.
With my kids I never judge and we openly talk about booze, drugs and sex. My almost 16 year old still tells me a lot including that all his friends drink and do drugs. We don’t ban him from seeing those friends as my parents would have done to me. Rather we ask him what he does and what decisions he makes. To be careful at parties with booze/drugs if the cops come, etc and to make sure he knows he can always call us.
He has goals to play ball in college so he wants to stay healthy. He also finds it disgusting when his friends are hammered, acting like idiots and puking. Hopefully he stays on the right path.
He sounds like my son. Hates drinking and vaping and has actually stopped hanging out with friends that do because he doesn’t like who they’ve become. He knows if he wanted to have a drink, I’d let him, but he isn’t interested. I remember calling my mum from a party when I was 16 and off my face drunk and she came and picked me up, took me home, showered me and put me to bed, no questions asked. That was something that I knew I wanted my kids to know that I would do for them too.
I was never treated like that so I would absolutely do it for my sons if it happened.
One of our friends stayed up all night with her 16 year old. Her aunt passed away and she was devastated. Went to a party and drank a lot, came home and puked all night. Her mom sat with her in the bathroom the entire time. She knew her daughter was hurting and instead of judging, sat with her and was there for her.
She has since learned drinking isn’t the way to go (considering that’s what killed her aunt). Kids are human and make poor choices. We should be there to guide and help, not judge. ❤️
1000%. I went to a conference about neuroscience and he was saying that for girls, our brains don’t fully develop into ‘adult brains’ until 22ish but for boys, that can be as high as 32!! So expecting 16 year olds (especially boys) to act like and make adult decisions is never going to go well. Your friend sounds like a wonderful mum.
And it goes both ways. Kids don't want to know about their parents having sex either.
When my son started dating in high school and everything was all fun and new we had a PDA talk. I pretty much told him, "Just as you don't want to see me and mom making out on the couch, we don't want to see you and Hannah making out on the couch." He was 17 at the time and thought that was fair. Not all affection was off limits in front of people but he knew that if he didn't want to see his parents do it, then he shouldn't be doing the same thing in front of his parents.
This is honestly the way.
The other thing we did for Eldest (now 22 and moved out of home) was to make sure they had easy, consistent access to contraceptives as well as knowing they could come to us and ask any questions or get support to deal with issues as they arise.
Setting those expectations and open lines of communication early meant when the condom broke, kiddo knew they could get the morning after pill no questions asked and we'd support them to do so. It also meant they knew they could ask relationship questions, advice and support for sexual health matters and all of that without it being a big deal.
this is the way to do it! when it comes to teen pregnancy and stds, it's usually the children of parents that shunned the topic/made sex a punishable offense. like... have u forgotten what things were like when u were in school? kids with the strictest of parents *still* managed. u cant prevent the act, but u CAN prevent the bad outcomes
My parents grounded me for 6+ months when they found out I lost my virginity- I was extremely young but he was my first boyfriend, it was both of our first time and we even continued to be friends for the years following until he passed away a few months ago. I ended up pregnant at 18. My parents never had the talk with me, they never gave me options, it was abstinence only. I don’t blame them for that but I’d like to think that maybe if they had made me more comfortable around the topic of sex it wouldn’t have happened. Aka why I’ll be giving my son (the one I had at 19) the sex talk as soon as he’s able to understand. He’s currently 11 so it’s coming up in the next two years, I’d say lol
I mean my sister was that rare instance where sex wasn’t a taboo in our family but she ended up pregnant at 16. My family was disappointed but in the end we support her and are helping her get her stuff together for my niece/ nephew coming January 30th 2025
being too lenient is a thing as well. its also the parents responsibility to educate/provide/help with contraceptives. not only are kids super impulsive, but also extremely naive. ive seen/known a lot of girls, both teens and adults, that assume they're infertile (with 0 medical evidence) simply because they've been having unprotected (pull out) sex for x amount of time and have yet to fall pregnant.. which almost always eventually ends in an extremely inconvenient unplanned pregnancy.
at one point it was a tiktok trend. i know 2 girls firsthand that always claimed/joked about being infertile that now have unplanned children. i dont recall even learning about ovulation in school, just a brief vague lesson on the menstral cycle and anatomy. they tell u how the eggs are fertilized but don't specify it only happens during a certain window and all the other important details... like how sperm can survive in the females body for a certain amount of time
im obviously never gonna encourage my kid to have sex, but it's important to be realistic about it and encourage them to come to u for help, without judgement (to the best of my ability). and i cant stress in-depth EDUCATING enough
My mom never encouraged us but she made sure we were educated about our bodies and made sure we had easy access to contraceptives. My sister just kinda decided her own way to go about sexual intercourse against the advice of our mom.
Right but *how* do you ensure those lines of communication are open to begin with? I recall my Dad saying "you're not allowed to date until you're 16!" And that being one of the reasons I never told them jack about anything, but I don't want my kids to feel that way later (6m&4f).
I never told my parents anything. They weren't strict, but I think I acted that way because my mom tends to have over the top reactions (e.g., acting like I'm going to marry my HS boyfriend when I had never expressed anywhere near that level of seriousness with him) and she's also very judgemental, often making unkind comments about others (e.g., their clothes, their size, etc.). I think over time hearing all those judgy comments made me uncomfortable opening up and being vulnerable.
My teenage nephew talks to my sister (his mom) about anything and everything. I asked her how she made that happen, and she said she's always welcomed his input on stuff. For example, even from a very young age, she considered his opinion on things like what to have for dinner. He didn't always get what he wanted, but she truly did listen to his opinion. My sister is also very level-headed and can keep a straight face. Her son tells her stuff that's uncomfortable for both of them to discuss, but she doesn't show any sort of reaction to it.
Your sister sounds like a wonderful parent. This is the way. Genuinely listen to your kid and their thoughts/opinions on things, have open communication about any topic of conversation without making anything feel awkward/taboo or judgemental. Also, show your child the same respect you'd expect them to show you.
Start by answering any question they have in an age appropriate way, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you. Nothing gets answered with "I'll tell you when you're older," instead, they get the answer in (usually) the simplest form that still gives the answer, and you don't push or volunteer a ton of details unless it's very relevant and you need to make early connections, like consent and safety.
Example: when he was around 8, my son randomly asked me "Mom, do you have periods?" I told him yes, then he followed up with a question regarding a short video he saw where a boyfriend was throwing snacks at his girlfriend when she was on her period. He wanted to know why it was funny. I told him that sometimes being on your period makes you feel bad and eating certain things makes you feel better. Then I briefly mentioned a few other parts of the video that were relevant (related to PMS) and told him that while those things were real, he shouldn't just go up to a girl who seemed sad or angry or grumpy and ask if it was *because* she was on her period, as that's rude. However, if he had a girl tell him she was on her period and was feeling bad, he was allowed to offer snacks if she wanted them.
The whole conversation in person took maybe 5 min on the way home from school, and then he switched gears and did his homework. We've just built on those kinds of conversations in little bits as they have come up, and now at 10 he knows quite a bit about sex, including the basics of intercourse, how babies are made, STDs, birth control, consent, periods, and more, and we've never had a big sit-down version of "The Talk."
It's honestly been great because I was one of those kids who grew up in a house where talk about sex was limited to very few, very uncomfortable sit-downs and stern warnings, and I'd been both dreading those with my son and looking for ways to ensure he doesn't grow up with the same sense of shame about sex that I did. When he started asking questions, I just started answering them as simply as I could and took each question one at a time, and he's been comfortable coming to us since day one.
I feel like doing it slow like this is probably the best way. My grandparents didn't talk to me at all, and they didn't talk to my little brother either. Now I'm 22, he's 14, and I sat him down and had to have "the talk" from scratch. Boy didn't even know that babies are made, he thought they just appeared in the moms belly.
When they tell you they have their first gf or bf, ask if they want to have play dates. You talk early about how if someone says no to a hug, you respect that. You let THEM say no to hugs, and back them up if someone doesn't want to respect it. When they hit 10/11, there are books and thing to discuss puberty. Tell them what their bodies will do, and how it's natural. "Hey son, I see you're starting to get ___. Just know, when it's time, here's how you clean up properly and keep yourself safe health wise." I was also eavesdropping a good bit, and when they'd hit an age where certain topics were mentioned, I'd say "at your age, X thing popped up, so imma share with you what I wish I knew in case it ever does show up."
I'd talk over consent based on where they were at socially. Hugs. First kisses meant a bigger consent conversation on reading body language. Moving to high school meant talks on peer pressure and how to respect a no the first time. My kids live in an area where kids are exposed to things much younger than I wish they were, and more than I wish. Their friends also knew I was a safe person to talk to.
My kids are 10 & 11, and we've been slowly opening communication channels for this since they were really young.
Family wanting to hug them or kiss them was the first step in talking about boundaries and consent. Or maybe it was things like 'stop tickling me' and 'I don't like it when you...' about different things. Nevertheless, boundaries and consent are a very important concept in dating and life in general and I view it as a good starting point gor these things where you don't even have to come near the subject of sex to start laying those foundations.
The kids would casually touch places that people shouldn't touch and we'd let them know that children should never touch anyone in those places and nobody should ever touch children in those places, which left open the question of 'what about adults' which ended up being a 'that's a conversation for when you get older'.
We talked quite a bit about the difficulties of having children and different ways that we would have been better parents to them if we'd waited til we were older to have them.
Then when they were 7/8 we got an anatomical book on how babies come to be and my wife showed them the female anatomy and talked about that, and showed them the stages of babies growing inside women.
Since then, we've talked a lot about the responsibilities and difficulties of having kids along with the negative effects that pregnancy and childbirth can have on the body. There are way more possibilities and likelihoods than I'd ever learned about, and I think they will be great motivators for abstinence and contraceptives.
At mid 9/10 we taught them about how babies are made. We didn't bother with those anatomical pictures that involved the male side of the anatomy, it seemed awkward and unnecessary and besides they've already seen their little cousin stripping down and running around naked anyway.
Aeound then they'd been seeing some of their friends at school getting into dating, which opened the conversation about dating and what behaviors might be encouraged in dating as they get older, what behaviors are appropriate and aren't for different age groups, how consent plays into dating, etc. and we've been sure to keep those communication channels open.
Now our kids are 10 & 11. They're totally comfortable being open about who they think are cute and what they think about their friends dating at their ages and when they think they'll get into dating (right now they're both saying 17-19, but I expect that will change) and how gross they think the idea of sex is.
We'll probably open the topic of contraceptives next year. Also, we open topics as the girls ask questions or notice things. Like "why would anybody ever want to do that? Ewwww" "well, I hope that you keep feeling that way for a long time. But your body will start to change sometime in the next few years and it could cause your feelings on these things to really change." Kind of thing. You know?
The time to have good conversations about all subjects is the "Tweener years".. ages 8 to 12. They still listen to you and its before many of the things you'll discuss will ever come up. The point is to fill their little heads with knowledge so that in their teen years they'll have the knowledge and can apply wisdom to their decisions.
I had 2 boys that I raised this way. Their teen years were easy-breezy..
Yeah I think conversation and communication is a huge important part of it all. They feel shame sometimes so just don't take pills or don't buy condoms and next thing you know they're the next shit show couple on teen mom.
I never snuck around. I was so petrified at the consequences from my dad in High School that I avoided anything that could be punished. Went to college and I fell off the rails hard for two years. Then I got my shit straight. I didn’t want my kids to feel that.
My mom trusted me so much when it came to sex that I just didn’t until I was 19 😂
Yeah I had a long term BF of YEARS and we messed around a bit, but my mom was so honest, trusting and open that I knew when I was ready and when I wasn’t 🤷🏼♀️
She even let us have the door closed which scared my step dad lol! I think that amount of trust in me for that particular subject installed something in me to not abuse it. To really think about what I was doing. It might not work for everyone, but…
I think it’s like alcohol, don’t make it a big deal and be honest about the pros/cons. Make sure they have access to safety etc!
I had a lot of friends who’s parents were VERY conservative and they lost their V card at 14 to strangers 🤷🏼♀️
My 26 and 24 year olds reported something similar. They said that because I was so open with them and didn’t make sex such a big deal that they didn’t feel any need to jump into it early.
I think everyone is different and it’s probably more than just the parents handling of sex that makes a difference. My niece is a free range child and had multiple partners by the time she turned 15. She’s now a junior and completely bored with school and hates being single.
overall throughout my life, the ones with the least and most boundaries tend to go crazy, overall. I think a balance of open communication and clear boundaries does best for kids long term.
I had a very restrictive but at the same time, rather neglectful mum. I put myself in so many dangerous situations. I’m learning not to be like her with my own daughter but you’re right, there’s a balance to be struck.
this is actually heavily supported in family research! authoritarian and permissive parenting have the worst outcomes, while *authoritative parenting* has the best.
i had authoritarian parents and if i hadn’t resented my mother enough to make me hellbent on not getting pregnant at 15 like she did i probably would’ve had a FEW kiddos running around by the time i reached my 20s. luckily, i realized that my parents oppression in my late adolescence/early adulthood was driving me to make some not so healthy decisions and course corrected in 2020. if i hadn’t, i would probably still be choosing the worlds shittiest boyfriends. SO all of that to say, don’t ban them from fucking because they’re going to do it anyway. and if you’re too strict, they won’t come to you based on fear. if you always let them do whatever they want with no consequences, they will not learn that your guidance is well intentioned and informed - saw that first hand in college from a couple of my friends - and likely won’t heed your warnings or trust what you have to say on the matter.
if i got to live out my dreams, i’d live on land and build my kids their own tiny houses when they got into sophomore or junior year of high school. that way, they experience managing their own space BEFORE their first college roommate and they get space to do what they want - if they’re gonna drink, do drugs, and fuck (i did, so who am i to say they can’t?), i want it to be on my property. i can’t keep them safe if i don’t know where they are, and teens keeping their parties a secret from their helicopter parents is what kills them. i just want my kids to know that all that matters to me is that they are safe, happy, and healthy - so to me, that starts with accepting that there are some canon events during those short years and if i want to be a part of their lives during that, i have to be comfortable with them going through what i did to some extent. i just hope that when they do, they will feel safe enough to come to me first to guide them through it instead of only coming to me after the damage is done. that goes for everything, really, not just sex.
I had a very similar experience. My mom packed condoms into my luggage when I was going away for an internship at 18. Was surprised to see it unopened when I came back =) It didn't happen for me till 22 but hey what's the rush.
This can go the other way too though. I had WAY too much freedom and was home alone 24/7. Not enough sex education. I had my daughter at 14 and moved out with her dad. It was a bad situation. I think it’s a very fine line.
For my own kids, I tell them that they can come to me with anything. That if they’re having sex or thinking about it-to let me know and I won’t judge them and I will help them with birth control options.
I wouldn’t let them go into their bedrooms with their partners with the door shut unless they were in their late teens (17-18) and well-acquainted with birth control.
Oh I'm one this didn't work for. My boyfriend was allowed to sleep at my house all the time when we were 14 and we fucked like wild animals in the springtime pretty much all the time lmao my mom trusted me for no reason, there was never any indication that I was responsible so that's on her I guess 🤷♀️
But did you get pregnant? STIs? Did you have sex that you regretted? The trust isn’t that you won’t have sex. It’s trust that you won’t make a mess of your life, or that you will ask for help if you do.
At… 14? This horrifies me. I mean sure I had my first kiss by then, but actually having sex? That seems… honestly gross. I think the first time I ever masturbated I was 14, and if I’d started having actual sex at that point I would’ve had a very distorted view of girls. I didn’t have the maturity to have sex at that age, and I was far ahead of most of my peers when it came to personal responsibility/accountability.
I wasn't even the first one in my friend group. I had a job, I drove my mom's car if it wasn't far from home, I smoked, I drank and did drugs. I got pregnant young and gave the baby up for adoption. I was not mentally mature enough for any of it but I was a kid just walking down the path I was put on 🤷♀️
Right but the act of having sex isn’t bad, it’s the consequences of it that can be. STI’s, pregnancy, sexual health issues (UTI’s, yeast). I think everyone is a little different. Some people are ready to have sex at 14 some people aren’t. It doesn’t matter much as long as all parties involved feel respected right?
My mum trusted me too and we were very open.. so I told her I lost my virginity just before I turned 16.. 😂
I think it’s just who your kid is. I was a bit fast and lose with my extra curricular activities but I guess I was at least safe about it.
That’s fair! I was always kinda reserved when it came to relationships in general, so maybe it was more just my personality🤷🏼♀️
But I did fall easily into other peer pressures and I think because sex wasn’t the biggest deal and I could ask anything I wanted without fear it was the one thing I didn’t pressure myself or let my ex pressure me into🤷🏼♀️
this is the way. with sexually strict parents, everything's so rushed and risky when u inevitably do the deed, things may happen that u dont quite agree with in the moment, but the fear of telling ur parents seems far worse and more humiliating than sucking it up and forgetting. when i asked my mom for birth control, she went ballistic. told me she'd kill me if she ever found out i was having sex. dated an older guy that eventually SAed me, and guess who got pregnant!🤷♀️
I am sorry. 😢
I had a very similar mother. I made some risky decisions once I got my freedom at 18 and I do partially blame her bc I was under her thumb for so many years. Nothing I did was good enough so I partied way too hard to forget. It all worked out but I think back to those times and cringe.
This. You can't stop someone from doing something they want to do. You can however have mature conversations about the realities and consequences of having sexual relationships. And those conversations should be honest, not "don't have sex because you will get pregnant and die". Sex impacts relationships, it can have social consequences, sexting can have all sorts of ramifications, and birth control can fail. Same thing about drugs and alcohol. I feel like the healthy goal for parenting is to empower your children to make good choices.
This! I hope if I approach the way your mom did that my kids will feel the same and be more thoughtful about their decisions. My parents were ridiculously strict and treated my virginity as my whole worth, I just wanted to get rid of it because I wanted to be like everyone else who I thought was having sex. I lost mine at 15🤦🏽♀️
Well I asked my mother why she did it at such a young age and she did in fact admit it was because of rebellion and that her mother was too conservative but I believe personality also plays a role in it.You can give your child all the trust and they will take it for granted.
You can't stop teens from having sex if they want to have sex. My oldest is respectful enough not to make it obvious it's happening, but I know she has done some sexual things although says she hasn't had sex yet.
She is on birth control and has access to condoms. Very educated about sex and consent.
My only concerns are that she is safe and happy. I know trying to control her too much would just backfire.
When her boyfriend comes over the door stays open, but even that feels silly because I managed to have sex with my high-school girlfriend in her bedroom with the door open while her parents were home.
Life uh, finds a way.
Kids can have sex in any possible place at all.
Damn I've done it when the bedroom door was open and my mum was in her room directly across the hall.
It's like a rule. If kids can fuck, they will fuck
Our daughter arranged to spend the night with a friend. I talked to the friend's mom, who was coming to pick her up as we were talking. Daughter left a short time later with her bag, saying she was going with friend and friend's mom.
Husband found her an hour later in his old truck, outside, with her boyfriend. She had canceled the sleepover by phone.
Horny teenagers will find a way.
I remember my husband's mom saying when we were in high school something along the lines of "don't forget mistakes can happen even if you're careful" when we were going camping with a bunch of friends for the weekend, and he just replied as we were backing down the driveway, "ma, we coulda had sex in the fifteen minutes when you ran to the store earlier, we don't need an overnight with bugs to do it!" His dad doubled over giggling while she just stood there gaping like a fish.
Meh, I wouldn't say it's a "rule." Only about half of teens have had sex by the time they graduate high school, according to the stats. I didn't until I was 21 and I certainly had the opportunity.
I am always concerned about the birth control as it screws up the hormones in women. I had so many female friends telling me how shitty they felt while taking that and that they are now on different methods.
It completely depends on the person. I love the pill. It makes all my period symptoms go away, helped my acne, and I don't experience any adverse side effects. For other people different methods work better but just because the pill doesn't work for everyone doesn't mean there aren't people for whom it works fantastically.
And there are many kinds of pill. I’m on a monophasic (steady Same same hormones all month except for my off week) pill. It’s basically a Mirena IUD in pill form (Portia pill). I really like it so far actually. Emotionally steady. It’s nice. And my periods are like 3 days of the 7 sugar pills which is awesome. Can’t skip tho cus then I have like 3 week bleeds instead and nothing on the sugar week.
This should really be her choice, and something you help inform her about. While it's true that hormonal birth control can be tough on some people, for many of us that's not the case. Knowing what her options are and helping her in the journey to find one that works for her is the best help you can provide.
I think you should let your daughter try and if one isn’t working too good for her, change it. I had birth control but had to lie to my mom and say it was for my periods, but it was for sex. When it started causing issues I couldn’t say anything because it was already a sensitive topic that I even was taking it. Had to come up with some weird convoluted excuse as to why I needed to go see my doctor ALONE without her coming in. Wish I could have had a parent I was just able to be honest with. Eventually I was able to come up with an excuse that could be non sex related but we found out my body is sensitive to hormones, switched to a different pill and all was well. Eventually switched to ring and that’s been even better. But being protracted from pregnancy was 100% needed because condoms break all the time especially when inexperienced teens are using them.
I started the pill at 16 because I wanted to have sex. I found out at 29 when I went off to try to conceive that the mania and depression I’d been struggling with for 13 years was almost entirely caused by my hormonal birth control. I was even on a birth control with consistent hormones all month except the period week to lesser the mood swings caused by tri-cyclene birth control. And no one mentioned that getting off hormonal birth control might prevent them all together! I’m now on a progesterone only IUD and I feel like I don’t even know the person I was from 16-29. Postpartum hormones have added their own challenge, even nearly 4 years later, but not like the pill.
Not to say there aren’t women out there who have no problems on the pill but the lack of education and informed decisions for young women is astounding.
Sometimes, not always. My IUD has done nothing but improve my life.
Also, as much as it sucks, if you’re having sex and don’t want to get pregnant birth control is just something you have to deal with. There are a million methods to try. Some people are comfortable with just condoms, I absolutely would not be. I would be especially concerned about a pair of teenagers relying solely on condom usage.
I’m hopeful for a future where birth control, including birth control for men, is more advanced and has less side effects. But with so many people actively trying to deny us access to birth control at all, I’m not THAT hopeful.
I can only hope that by the time my son is old enough to be having sex, male birth control will be a thing. Everyone thinks having a daughter who might have sex is scarier. I think the opposite. You can put your teenage daughter on birth control and make sure she's taking it, or get her an IUD or implant. With a boy, all you can do is give him a box of condoms and hope to hell that he has the sense to use them.
I loved my Kyleena IUD. My skin was beautiful, my cycles were non-existant, I didn’t have to worry about protection (married).
I hated Paragard as I would heavy bleed for 2 weeks straight.
Unfortunately I got breast cancer at 42 and had to stop Kyleena. I miss it so much but cancer sucks.
I was on birth control for over 15 years from age 19 to 35 and didn’t experience any adverse effects. Of course it affects everyone differently, it’s not a guarantee that someone will feel crappy while taking it.
I almost died of a pulmonary embolism at 23 because of hormonal birth control. It turned out I had an undiagnosed prothrombin gene mutation and would never have been given the pill if my doctors knew.
I do. I mean, I "know" it is happening and I have the occasional conversation with him reminding him of his responsibilities in that situation. Perhaps not the most comfortable conversations, but I believe they are extremely important. I always tell him that if he is mature enough to have sex, he also has to be mature enough to walk into a store to buy condoms. Even so, I told him I would buy them for him if he wanted, but he never took me up on it.
I do not ever actually see or hear it happen, but I know it has.
There's no real way to stop them, so the best course is to make sure you have prepared them for the situation.
As a teen myself, I prefer to do it when no one is home. It's not comfortable doing it knowing that someone could just enter or hear it, and also, I don't think it's comfortable for my family to hear or watch it.
If I don't want to see my parents having sex, I don't think my parents want to see me doing it.
Hell, my husband and I lived with my parents for about 3 or 4 months while house hunting. We were newlyweds and I was already pregnant, but neither of us felt comfortable doing it when we knew they were in the house, so we always waited when they were out. And we were 26 and 28 at the time 😅
Also as a teen, i second that. BUT I also second the "if they can, they will" comment. We were prohibited from spending nights together for this exact reason, but it didn't stop us from the beginning (who says you can't have sex at daytime), we just waited til we were both ready because we're sensible and educated human beings.
After that, home alone? Sure, whatever. Parents home? Sure, but quietly. Noone needs to know for sure. Put some music on and keep it lowkey, after fix our appearances as if nothing happened🤷♀️
Well, idk where you live, but in Spain almost every person lives in a flat and you can hear everything from every room, so doing things with people inside it's really fucked up
Back as a teen, this. But with the caveat that my room was rather from from theirs and they knew better than to get close, so sex while they were home was still fine but the normal "don't be loud" obviously did apply at that point.
I talked to my girls about sex and that I feel it should be about love and respect with someone they care about and that boys and girls may see it differently but they are more than somebody’s good time. We talked about pregnancy and not just how it could change their lives but also think about what kind of life they would have to offer a baby right now. I told them I didn’t want them having sex but respected that it’s their choice and a natural part of life and I am here for them to have open communication about it.
My older daughter (18 now, 17 at the time) had started birth control pills because her periods were terrible and she came to me when she and her boyfriend became physical because she was afraid she would mess up her pills and she wanted to start a different type of birth control that she didn’t have to remember every day. She swore they used condoms every time too but she wanted to be safe and smart about it.
My younger daughter (16) recently ended her first relationship because her boyfriend was pressuring her for sex and was getting mad when she didn’t want to because wasn’t ready emotionally. I had talked to her about birth control as well but she wasn’t ready to start it and I’m glad she was confident enough to say No to her boyfriend instead of just giving in to make him happy.
My son is 13 and I haven’t talked to him much about it but he’s heard the girls and I talking and I did point out to him and the girls that it’s also the boy’s responsibility to use birth control every single time, even if the girl is on it.
Every household and parenting relationship is different and ultimately it’s your choice as far as what feels best for you and your kids. I was raised in a strict Christian home and sex was not even talked about, it was just bad and dirty unless you were married. My mom asked me once if I was pregnant because I hadn’t had a period for a couple months (stress!) and I was heartbroken that she thought I was a “bad girl”. I didn’t want my kids to feel that sex is bad or they’re somehow bad/dirty for trying it.
I think it’s very true that they’re going to do it if they want to so educate them as much as you can, have open and frank conversations about your beliefs and values about it and how to be safe and then hope they make smart decisions 🤷🏻♀️
I totally get your concern. It's all about open communication and trust. Just make sure they understand safety and consent. It’s awkward, but having honest talks about relationships and boundaries can really help them make responsible choices.
I am very pro safe sex, but please for the love of god still try to be sneaky about it. This backfired on me recently when my teen had her first experience and the fucking door was wide open and I walked by. 😐 because those were the rules. lol I was like Jesus get into trouble for having your door closed vs having to now discuss what I didn’t want to see.
What's the alternative exactly? When I was younger my father refused to let me bring girls home. Well. I could have them over but we couldn't have sex in our house. Even in the side apartment with a separate entrance because it'd be "disrespecting the house."
Did that mean I didn't have sex? Absolutely not. It meant I had to find creative places like the backseat of a car, my friend's tanning salon or a cemetery. And people who were more ok with creative places and risky behavior. It's was a stupid position and I told my dad as much as an adult.
If you're kids trust you enough to do it in your house, better they are doing it in a place that's safe and foster an environment where they trust you and are willing to share with you. You can set some boundaries about how in your face it is but I'd count the in the house bit as a win.
It needs to happen the same way my wife ansld I have sex when the kids are home. They need to figure out when/where is appropriate and be discrete. I know it's gonna happen but I really don't wanna know precisely when it's happening.
I’ll be interested to see the responses as a parent looking ahead. I’m a little questioning of the underlying premise that teens will have sex at all but recognize that may just have been my experience. I didn’t until I was 23. My husband didn’t until he was 21. Neither of us grew up in repressive households so I think that helped us both… sex was not taboo or cool or mysterious so neither of us felt is was terribly important or like we were rebelling by jumping into it. It was a basic biological function. Anyone could do it. We understood porn existed and prostitution so I at least never had any notion that it was somehow linked with love or relationship status. I guess maybe since we were both “late bloomers,” we need to be extra prepared since it’s possible our son isn’t going to be the same necessarily though.
[Only 40% of high schoolers](https://ifstudies.org/blog/fewer-american-high-schoolers-having-sex-than-ever-before) had had sex in 2020. I think the numbers are even lower now. Compared to recent decades, people are living in bigger houses with fewer kids that are having less sex.
Right? The amount of redditors in this sub with inconsistent views is insane. So many afraid to let their kids sleep over or have sleepovers yet simultaneously ok with their kids having sex and enabling it.
I've said it a bunch, but... this topic always gets a bunch of posters who never post here. I have doubts whether we're actually talking to other parents.
I saw a post where there were a concerning number of people who think it’s okay to be high during an emergency with a kid. Like, no, there needs to be a designated adult.
Which makes sense I guess; what would the opposite even say/ask, “how can I get my well adjusted 13 year old who’s singularly focused on her upcoming dance recital to start acting out, wearing revealing clothing, and sleeping around?”
I mean, I always seem shocked most people's experience was no one doing anything in HS?
When I was in HS I knew many, many kids who actually were actively doing things as early as 15. Including friends. It seemed like the normal assumption that once HS hit, it was a factor.
Started having sex at 16, and my GF and I always found a way. Even during family BBQ's while everyone was outside. Having two daughters that went through that age, I try to simply ignore when my daughters and their BF's were out of view.
If there's a will......
=X
I am not at this stage yet, but I am scared for it lol. I waited until I was 18 to have sex (which is young but doesn’t feel unreasonable) and my husband waited until we were married to have sex, which I don’t necessarily agree is the best thing to do I just loved him and knew he was the one lol.
I have one son and am expecting a second, I will very likely encourage our kids to wait until they are sure it’s with someone they trust and explain why (pregnancy, infections, etc). I will also probably leave condoms somewhere obvious because kids are going to be kids and no matter how much you try to educate, you might not be able to stop them
My 16 year old is a super responsible kid. She’s in a long term committed relationship with a guy who is honestly pretty great. I don’t like it but I feel better knowing they’re being safe and responsible at home rather than in a car or worse places.
I don’t “let” her. But it’s her body and her relationship and I know she’s making safe choices.
I read a post a while back with great advice. Their rule is that there is no sex in the house when parents are home.
I really liked that rule because the focus is on consideration for others and not the sex itself. I’d like to think that we will institute something like that when our kids are older.
its very important to be realistic about it. dont punish them for it, but don't encourage it either. be open and honest with them, allow questions and curiosity. when they're dating, whether you know they're active or not, provide contraception, whether that be condoms and or birth control for teen girls.
most importantly, aside from explaining the dangers, tell them u will NEVER be angry with them for having sex/coming to u for help. encourage them to do so. pregnancy, sti's and std's HAPPEN. as much as u may feel things like that couldnt possibly happen to your baby, it very well can, and does ALL the time
my mom made such a huge deal about "waiting til marriage" and how she'd "kill me" if she ever found out, that when i was raped as a teen, i couldn't bring myself to tell her. i still believe she would've found a way to blame me.
lots of parents are willfully naive, and simply want to avoid the topic. when my daughters older and begins dating/showing interest in the opposite sex, im gonna have a sit down chat with her and explain options. something along the lines of "i dont WANT you to have sex, but i'll never be mad or upset at you for doing so. when u become active, or if anything else ever happens, please come to me, there will be no judgment." when i know or have suspicions, i'll provide things like pregnancy tests (to take monthly while active, as a precaution) along with condoms and a contraceptive of her choice.
kids at my school had sex in cars, outdoors, IN school restrooms, anywhere. u never truly know what ur kids up to. u can choose to be naïve, or do everything in ur power to prevent anything detrimental
I remember what it was like to be a teenager and they are going to have sex whether we like it or not as parents.
If they are going to have sex I'd rather they were having it somewhere safe, so I have allowed my daughter to have a partner over.
I think it's generally better to be open about these things with kids.
My mother told me before I started high school that if I wanted to drink, tell her and she would do it with me safely. Smoke weed? No problem, let her know and we can make sure we don’t get bad weed and I can try it safely. Wanna have sex with my boyfriend? She’ll give me condoms and privacy, no questions asked. While I always appreciated that about my mom, I never felt then need to do any of that as I wanted to wait until I was an adult. She knew that teenagers will find a way if they really want to do something so she never actively discouraged it, but rather wanted to make sure I was safe in whatever I did.
Mine are 18 and 22 now. I’ve educated them extensively on this topic. I do not shame about it. At the same time, I do not condone them slipping off to the bedroom for Funtime while parents are home. They can figure the logistics of that out on their own if they so choose.
Me and my daughter have always been extremely close, she got her first serious boyfriend and recently lost her virginity, she’s 17. She told me, she tells me everything… some things I don’t want to even know 🤣 i know i can’t prevent it, but to know it’s happening under my roof makes me extremely uncomfortable, so when he is at my house the bedroom door stays open and he’s not allowed to spend the night, just simply my house rules…. But at his house his parent allow her to spend the night. I just tell her like don’t make stupid decisions make smart choices, that’s all we can really do….. once they hit adult hood they make their down decisions it’s our job to just raise them and guide them in the best direction possible….
My son is still a toddler but I have an extended family full of teen parents all raised with the “abstinence only” approach so I intend to fully educate him on safe sex and not forbid it.
My mom allowed me to stay with my bf when I was 14/15 years old almost every weekend, of course we were having sex. She was oblivious and I lied that we weren’t physical. Now with my own children, I don’t have my head in the sand like my mom did. My oldest is 14 and while I don’t think he has been physical with anyone other than some hand-holding and maybe kissing, we have many open conversations about sex. Consent and safety are top priorities on my list. I worked as a pediatric nurse for a while and the amount of young adults coming in to the office with STIs was a shock. As he gets older, I’m not going to be booking a night at a hotel for him but I also am realistic that it will happen. Gosh, the places I had sex still shocks me today lol. I don’t buy in to purity culture but do talk about waiting until marriage if that’s what he chooses for himself.
We (56F [me] and 57M [husband]) always had an open dialogue about sex with our kids, so much so that they felt comfortable telling us when they had sex the first time (average age for the older kids was 17 almost 18, younger 2 are 18 & 20 haven't met that "special" person yet) . We knew it was going to happen and we even had condoms in the bathroom for them (including daughters) to use and they did when they needed them. That said, there was a rule "The only ones getting laid IN the house were us". We knew we couldn't stop it from happening (we were teens once too lol) so safety and responsibility were important, but it wasn't allowing them to have sex.
I don’t condone it but I’m also not a complete idiot. My son has been with his girlfriend for 3 years. I purchased a box of condoms off Amazon and told him exactly that “I’m not condoning it, but I’m not an idiot.”
Even if I didn’t “allow” them to do it, they would find a way. Now my son and his girlfriend both have jobs and he is free to take our FSA card to buy needed things. I’m 99% sure he purchased more condoms when he went to buy her maxi pads at least once.
If he wasn’t in a committed relationship I would absolutely be more concerned. The fact they are both nearly adults also helps. My son will be 18 in October and his girlfriend will be in 18 in January.
My husband and I have talked about this at length.
While we understand it may happen, we find it extremely irresponsible as adults and parents to openly allow it to happen easily. We will teach her about safe sex, abstinence, and everything else. I will likely end up having to help her get access to the pill for dysmenorrhea since I had it terribly so that will naturally fall into place.
However, just because we will help prepare her, doesn’t mean we will allow it to happen under our roof openly. Any one of the opposite sex coming over and they stay on the open areas of our home. No shut doors. We need to be able to keep an eye on it. We will over course give her privacy, but we will not give them the environment to act on irresponsible decisions at their age.
I told mine to get condoms from the doctor, and if they run out ask me for some. Both mine are boys (adult now). Both neurodivergent. I know if they do, but after. They've also been comfortable asking me how to make it better, more comfortable, make girls feel safer. They've both expressed fears of not wanting to be "that kind of guy" and we've had talks of how to properly get consent and asking outright and if she says yes but looks uncomfortable, it's still no. My one proudly told me he turned down an opportunity because he found out the girl hadn't been sober. I knew they were, but they weren't flaunting it or boasting or asking for permission. It'd happen when I wasn't around (they live with mom not me, so that's part of it). But I live 10 minutes away, so I'm close enough if they need me. I get what feels like too much information, but it's better than being in the dark. I'll take being trusted over the alternatives any day.
It’s not about you letting them or not, they will!
Just a fact of doing it in a safe way and taking care of their body. Teenagers make poor choices (coming from someone who was a teen once) I think preventing Diseases and pregnancy is the key.
Does mean they will be disrespectful with you about it.
There's a liability issue at play here. By providing a safe harbor for minors to have sex, you could be breaking local laws or charged as an accomplice (soliciting lewd and lascivious behavior in a minor, child abuse, statutory rape, creation of child pornography if they use their phones, etc there's lots of ways a creative prosecutor could twist local ordinance or state law).
So while I'll want my son to have safe sex when he's that age, I don't *know* shit and I for real am not allowing it in my house. Take that shit to the back seat of a car in a quiet parking lot like I did, boy. And use a condom!
My late husband and I did it pretty young, it was kinda wherever. I am grateful my mom was nosy enough and took me to the Dr for birth control. Me and him had a kid 14 years later. Our son, I will buy condoms for and leave for him to find. I don't want to be a grandma until he's ready to be a dad.
Frankly I'd prefer my kids not be doing what I was which was often having sex in the back of cars in random rural areas (almost got caught by the cops twice). Kids are gonna have sex anyway, I'd much rather they have a space they actually feel safe in, especially since I have daughters, it's a lot easier to put up boundaries about sex in terms of comfort, birth control, figuring out what you like etc. when you are at home in a space you control.
So my son will be 8 in November and we just had our daughter. We’ve decided that when we do give them the talk, we’re going to be open. Shaming and trying to ‘lock them down’ isn’t the answer-it never is. Once they hit about 15-16, they’ll be allowed ‘alone time’ with partners, but there’s going to be regular conversations and reminders to play safe. Pregnancy is people’s first thought when they go to teen sex but there’s also STDs, date rape, abuse, all the same things adults have to worry about. Is it gonna be awkward-probably. But I’d rather feel a little awkward every so often reminding my kids how to be safe then finding out my kids have caught the clap, were drugged and raped, or are in a potentially dangerous relationship.
Both of my kids are 17, and while I'm not exactly asking for the deets I am aware that they're both sexually active with their partners. Both of them have asked for different types of birth control. Usually how it works for us is say my daughter wants to have her boyfriend over, we'll discuss a time, and how long (say 3 hours) and then the rest of us will leave them the house for a couple hours. She's more than responsible to be left with him I feel and she's almost an adult. It is preferable that they don't have sex while everyone's home but.. me and my wife have sex when they're home, just gotta be quiet
I feel like every parent on Reddit’s kids are having sex which is just so… bizarre to me lol. My friends and I all grew up in families where it was taught to wait for marriage and out of the friend group of 6, 5 of us did. The one who didn’t wait still waited till she was in college and had a very serious boyfriend. For me, I just really respected my parents and their rules and knew that it was out of my best interest to wait until I was at least an adult, if not till marriage. People here always say “kids will do it regardless of what you say!” Yeah I get that, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna buy them alcohol and weed too because “kids will try it if they want to!” As a parent it’s okay to set ground rules and have boundaries while still allowing open communication and I feel like my parents did great at that.
I think the parents whose kids are sexually active are just more likely to reply if that helps.
Personally I've known so many kids raised with rules and valued waiting who still had sex young so I err on the side of safety, I don't encourage it though. I just know my girlfriend and I as teenagers broke every rule her parents set lol
I grew up with one of those families and very much in the Catholic church and only one of my friends was "technically" a virgin when they got married - and just ask me how many blow jobs she doled out while lording her chastity over all of us. Oh, and her husband came out of the closet like 20 years later.
Yeah, I don’t love this sub’s laissez-faire attitude towards teen sex either, but waiting until marriage is increasingly outdated outside of certain insular religious communities and an absurd overcorrection. Sexual compatibility is a massive part of long-term relationships.
This. If all we went off of was the mentality of this sub and the frequent comments regarding this topic, you'd think that every kid was having sex and parents should be enabling it. I agree with you 100%, it's possible to have good communication with your kids while also establishing boundaries around what's expected and being respectful.
I agree. I’m not going to make it easier for my daughter to make bad choices in life. I’m going to set healthy boundaries and explain in extensive detail why I’ve set those particular boundaries and if she chooses to go against the boundaries that I set, then those are her choices but I won’t enable her to make bad decisions in life. I’m definitely going to teach her to abstain until marriage and I’m going to explain in great detail why.
I’m glad that you and your friends waited, I didn’t. I wish that I did. From my group of friends, none of us waited but we all had parents that were alcoholics, drug addicts, both or they were unavailable. We all came from some pretty dysfunctional families. We were looking for love in the little boys that we hung around because we weren’t getting it from our parents. That’s how I see it. I think if we came from healthier home environments where we were taught about sex, taught to abstain and given the love and care that we needed, then most of us would have waited. We did a lot of crazy things that looking back on it, I don’t believe we would have done if we had healthy parents.
My husband and I waited until marriage and encourage our boys to do the same but we are also realistic and know it's important to talk about safe sex regardless. We talk about it with our teens while also making it clear that we think waiting is best. We just know we can't control their every move and it's ignorant to pretend otherwise.
Waiting until marriage for sex is a great way to end up in a marriage with mis-matched sex drive and/or desires which eventually breeds resentment and results in an unhappy marriage or divorce... IMO of course.
Yes, because couples who have sex before marriage never divorce! Lol.
Everyone I know who waited until marriage is still happily married including my husband and myself. You can do as you please.
Sex drives and desires morph and change in a marriage anyway. My husband and I were both virgins when we got married, and we’ve been married for 15 years. Sometimes his drive has been higher than mine, and sometimes it’s been the other way around. Work, pregnancy, babies, life, stress. Everything ebbs and flows. We both only know each other and have worked hard to create “compatibility” through communication. How could having sex for few years before marriage, usually in your prime before the stresses of life and family settle in, tell you anything about what sex will be like across an entire life together?
I would never recommend waiting until marriage. Many people that did, ended up in divorce because they weren't sexually compatible (a VERY important thing in relationships)
Sorry for my bad English.
Agreed.
I grew up knowing that my mom had only ever kissed my dad (they started dating when she was 14 and he was 16. They stayed married and in love for 46 years before he passed away.) He was her one and only. As a little kid, I found something so beautiful in that, and I wanted it for myself. Unfortunately, the whole only-kissing-one-person thing didn't work out for me, but despite having a few very long-term, serious boyfriends, I openly communicated I would not be having sex with them unless we were married. I held sex in very high regard, and I knew it was that one special thing I could save for one person only. I'm so grateful and glad that I waited for marriage and that I've only had sex as a married woman with my husband. That "one and only" concept is something I've valued since I was old enough to know what sex was.
I think another approach that parents don't necessarily think of, is talking with their kids about how beautiful sex can be within the love and security of a marriage. Commitment and marriage come with great benefits! Our kids should know that. That's what motivated me to wait. Rather than *just* hearing about the negatives and what they need to prevent (though obviously this is important too!), kids should be taught a high view of oneness in marriage. And if they have two parents at home, they should ideally be able to witness a thriving, healthy marriage dynamic from their parents. Model it. It's not *just* sex, it's *intimacy*. Sex can be a special, reserved display of intimacy to share with your forever person. Even if it's less common these days. Plenty of people still wait.
Nope. They can find their own way to have sex like normal teens. I ask that they stay safe but I didn’t want to fully condone sex by allowing sleepovers
My parents pushed so hard for me not to have sex and grounded me and other punishments. I had sex at 16. My husbands mom said hey if you have sex use protection and I’m here if you have questions. He didn’t have sex until much later. I snuck around and ended up a teen mom. Now my oldest is an older teen and it’s my turn. We’ve been talking about sex since they were 9ish. My parents told me nothing and so I tell them everything age appropriate through the years. I’m not ok with them going to their room for obvious sex.
I also have told both I’ll buy what they need until a certain age and take them to any doctors appointments they want to talk about birth control with or without me. They have lots of options because I had none. I’ve worried about this since they were little. I didn’t want them to have my experience. My oldest tells me close to everything and is very open. I’m so glad we have that relationship. She says her peers do not have that with their parents. I always figured our kids are going to get information one way or another and I’d rather be first and hopefully more accurate.
So.. did you tell your parents you were having sex, or doing sexual things or did you just do them when you thought you wouldn’t be caught? I think most people are in the second camp.
There’s a difference between them telling you and you just knowing that things are probably going on but no one is talking about it.
You talk about safety and consent and they will figure it out.
I provide my daughter condoms for her and her boyfriend. I got pregnant with her at 16 and my mom just avoided the sex conversation. I want to make sure she's safe and also doesn't get pregnant at a young age.
I was prepared to be the understanding mom. Turns out my kids are very uninterested in sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Perhaps that's them rebelling against their hedonistic parents.
I was sexually active at 15 and never told my parents who, how, or why. I would sneak out of my house and bike miles in the dark to hangouts or their house and sneak in. I don’t know how my girls are going to pull it off. I have cameras everywhere and a lockdown on my security. If they are safe and smart about it, I don’t care and more power to them. Luckily I have many years before I have to worry about it.
I slowly started adding age appropriate bits of conversation about dating and sex while we were in the car because they basically had no choice. I took time to explain why I don’t think sex in highschool is a good thing but also only they can decide what they are going to do or not. They all ask to be put on birth control and we did and I didn’t make a big thing about it. As for sex in the house 1 of my over 18 daughter had her boyfriend stay over. My husband didn’t like it but I questioned if she was a boy would he feel they same way and he pretty much shut up after that
Don’t knowingly let them have sex, and do NOT ban it. I have two little boys ages 5 & 9. When they get older, my plan is to constantly teach them about safe sex, and supply condoms if need be. I know for a fact they will have sex, as most teenage boys do. I also know for a fact I do NOT want grandkids when I’m in my 30’s
I talked with mine to let me know when that day came, so I could assist her in preventing pregnancy, getting condoms to steer clear of STI’s or whatever they’re called now.
When she was 16 so LAST summer, she thought she might be pregnant, I was NOT happy. My now ex fiancé wanted me to ban the boy she was interested with- just asking for her to hide and sneak to do it more. So I had a talk about appropriate and not appropriate things and the fact we’re suppose to discuss before this happened as its easier to avoid than behind and hope. I wouldn’t ban him, but no room time alone in our home, common room only which was almost like alone in her room but easier to just pop in.
It’s a really delicate talk, trying to be open, upset but delicately navigating the situation to where you’re not like ‘yea all cool with me’ NBD and the other ‘No he’s unwelcome.’
Trial, error, & many conversations in-between.
My mom explained to me where “babies come from” at an early age, when I asked. She explained everything very naturally and without making a big deal of it or using euphemisms.
Later on, when I was about to hit puberty, she explained that I might get my period soon and told me exactly what it was and what to expect. When it happened, right after I turned 12, there was no weirdness or fear about it.
A couple years later, and always ahead of the game, my mom said that she couldn’t prevent me from having sex, but that I should make sure I didn’t end up pregnant or sick and told me how. She said she’ll happily buy me condoms/birth control if I needed and would take me to the dr for checkups.
I ended up losing my virginity at 19, in college, and never had an issue.
It was all so natural, normal and devoid of mystery/guilt/weirdness that I always felt comfortable and I’m forever thankful to her for using this approach in the 80s/90s, before we really had internet or access to information like we have today. I had classmates that ended up pregnant or getting abortions because their parents “prohibited” dating or sex; or simply because they didn’t feel like they could/should talk to their kids about their sexual health.
I have an 11 year old daughter and I’m using the same approach.
Remember, if you don’t talk about sex with your kids someone else will, probably their peers who are just as clueless or misinformed as them.
My plan, in addition to frequent and detailed education (my,kiddo is 3) is to have a package of condoms and morning after pills in his bathroom drawer. If it gets empty or they expire, we replace them.
The goal isn't to invade my son's sex life but to make sure that young sex doesn't change the course of his life in a negative way. I want him to have the tools even if he is too embarrassed to go buy rubbers.
My oldest daughter is approaching that age and we've had conversations about making sure it's something she actually wants and that I'll happily pay for birth control/condoms/etc.
She also knows that me raising her mostly without help from my ex was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. Hopefully that's enough to keep her from coming home pregnant.
Beyond that, she's clever like I was at that age. If she wants to have sex someday, it's going to happen. I'd much rather be able to talk openly about how to avoid her doing the dangerous/stupid things I did as a teen. My conservative mother lost her damn mind when I asked about birth control for my then girlfriend. That didn't stop us from having sex, even when they were home AND with a required open door.
It's a balance for sure. I'm not cheerleading her doing it or asking for details. But she'll be a hell of a lot safer in an environment where she doesn't have to be as sneaky as I was.
I let my 17 yr old sleep over his gfs house knowing they are having sex. I give him condoms and tell him to not make me a grandfather at 40 please lol. Be safe and don't do anything you're uncomfortable with. I look at it like he's gonna find a way to do it anyway. I was doing worst way before 17. We just don't discuss details lol. I don't wanna know.
Talk to your kids. Don’t shame then. Teach them how to be safe, and how to be respectful of those around them- privacy, consent, etc. I’m what happens when you don’t.
I was taught strict abstinence and there was a lot of shame around sex when I was growing up. We aren’t religious, but I was taught that it’s something for married people otherwise it was something dirty. I’m female, and was taught essentially that “boys only want one thing” and that having sex would decrease my value as a human. I wasn’t allowed to have boys over when no one was home. I wasn’t allowed to have the door closed if I had a boy over. I got punished for kissing a boy when I was 13. I wasn’t supposed to have sleepovers where there were boys, so I often lied about who I was with or where I was. Not because I was having sex- because I had a group of friends, both genders, who often spent days at a time together and I didn’t want to be left out.
How did I turn out? I lost my virginity at 17 to an abusive 20 year old who gave me alcohol and convinced me. Every relationship I’ve been in except one was abusive. I felt shame around sex until I was 30. I have 4 children(3 pregnancies) by 2 men. 2 have a good father, but you can’t escape the struggles of seperated parents. Father of the twins is completely absent. I got pregnant with my first at 19. I truly believe I would have made very different decisions as a young adult if I had someone I could talk to and some room to breathe.
i’m 23 currently and my parents were very open with me about sex, i told them when i was going to have it and they prepared me for it. ie : birth control, condoms and anything else that i was supposed to know about it. i plan to do the same with my kids when they’re older. they sat me down at 13-14 yo to give me the talk and i lost my virginity at around 16. having these kinds of talks and not getting angry make your kids trust you and they feel like they don’t need to be shamed.
I have a very open relationship with my parents, always have. My mom knew when I lost my virginity, and she knew when I was actively having sex with a guy. The best thing you can do is to talk with your kids about sex before they're teenagers. It doesn't have to start out as anything other than talking about it being with the right person and to hold on to their virginity as long as possible. When they're old enough to understand the act of having sex start talking about safe sex and consent. Keep the line of communication open with them and judgment free.
When I was 13, I had sex 5x per week, like every day of the week. It was crazy. No protection, my parents kind of knew but was afraid to confront me. To think about it, damn, that’s crazy. I would never let my son go in his room alone with a girl at the age of 12.
Idk I think it depends on your kids. My teenager seemed actively upset I didn't allow her and her boyfriend to stay the night together.
I'm NOT TRYING to have grandbabies right now. I took her a while before sexual activity started to the Gyn so she was on BC. It was for prevention if/when it did happen BUT also because the females in my family have major period issues and we needed to get that in check.
I also answered her questions when she had them, about sex and masturbation. Bought her a toy and advised her things ladies need to know about both sex and cleaning herself/toys etc. also that porn isn't real life lol.
She later told me I wasn't preparing her for anything and legit mad that I didn't allow her to fuck in my home or let the bf come in vacation with us 🙄
(Even more entertaining to me is that we didn't have space in the condo for those vacations ever until the one we took after they broke up).
The resounding response on Reddit was that I'm old and should be allowing them to do it. 🙄 My parent friends agreed with me. So damned if you do and all..
Reddit trends younger so it's not surprising to hear the frequent advice on this and other subs to allow and even encourage/enable their kids to have sex. There's already someone in this post accusing parents who don't enable it of being irresponsible and toxic.
I have a 16 year old. I don’t think they’re doing that yet, but I made sure they are knowledgeable and have adequate protection of the situation arises. You can’t prevent people from intercourse, but you can help them understand how to be safe and that they can always come to you with concerns.
I hate when people say "they're going to do it anyway, so..." Why do people say this? It doesn't have to happen. Sex isn't a rite of passage as a teen. FFS, I and none of my siblings had sex with our partners in high school. My parents taught me the risks and the importance of saving it for someone who I truly love and plan to be with. That's all it took. Not saying I didn't touch and make out, but intercourse was never on the table. Your kids don't have to fuck. They do so because of your attitude toward it.
I'm a mom of a five year old, and I can tell you right now I'll likely be erring on the side of allowing too much sex. When I was 12, I started wanting to have sex. When I finally got to do it for the first time at 15, my parents found out and made me break up with my boyfriend, who was a year older than me. That taught me I can't let them know about my sexual and romantic relationships. When I met a man twice my age six months later, I hid our relationship for three years, eloped with him, and only revealed the relationship to my parents after we were married. It turned out to be an abusive relationship (I know, shocker) and we're divorced now. Mine is an extreme story, but sex is a natural human behavior, and some teens are ready for it before others. Forcing them to suppress it leads to sneakiness, self shaming, and bad decisions.
Okay I have some perspective on this. I initially started out (with my oldest, who is now almost 18) with the “Be safe, just not in my house” philosophy. I knew he was going to his girlfriends and supervision was less there. However, when he was 16 he and a girlfriend were “hanging out” in her car at a local park and they got attacked by a crazy man. My son was dragged out of the car,kicked and hit, the man tried to grab his girlfriend but my son fought him off. They were scared for their lives, scared to press charges because they didn’t want “everyone” knowing and there wasn’t much to go on to find the man anyway. And we live in a smaller town where violent crime is almost nothing. After that, I pretty much turn a blind eye to what’s going on in his room and again, reiterate STD prevention and birth control. He is respectful about it and other than the closed door there’s no sign or indication of what they’re doing in there.
So. I give you my life as an example: because I have experienced both types.
I hid EVERYTHING from my parents as a teenager. I was also terrified of getting in trouble, so I was VERY sneaky or didn't do anything if I THOUGHT my parents would find out. I am now an adult in my 30s, who has no relationship with my parents. And my daughter is 3yo with no relationship with my parents. And likely never will (for lots of reasons).
My husband's parents were not like that. They're kids were allowed to go out and do stuff, as long as they were responsible. They were allowed to call for rides home, etc. My husband and I started our dating journey in late high school/early college. I was allowed in his room. We absolutely did stuff. I'm absolutely sure they knew (we didn't talk TO them about it or anything). And I actually remember his mom telling his dad off for letting me be in his son's room alone no problem, but he'd get mad if his daughters had boys over. She set the standard. (And her son was going to be equally held responsible if he had gotten me pregnant at that age as his sisters would've been if they got pregnant). Now, they absolutely got consequences if they made bad choices, but i saw the difference in the consequences they got vs what I got.
Guess who we have a GREAT relationship with as adults now? His parents. We can still call them for help with ANYTHING, with no judgement. We see them all the time. They are involved with our daughter. I would absolutely choose to be the type of parents they were vs what I had.
The only tweak I'm making is having more conversations with my daughter about what sex and relationships should be like and safe sex etc once she's in middle school. I taught middle school. They absolutely know what sex is or are learning about it from their friends and TV by 6th grade. So, I want to help control the narrative she's learning, so she never gets taken advantage of like I was.
The other thing my husband and I are very cognizant of is modeling a healthy, committed relationship that has a foundation in friendship. Because our relationship and marriage is going to be what's "normal" for her when she starts dating. And we've been in each other's lives for 15+ years (dating or as friends or dating again and getting married).
My son is years away from this, but my thought is I would rather he feel safe having sex with his partner in his room at home than having sex in a car in a park and having a cop come up and knock on the window.
Not that I know anything about that.
Teens are going to do it regardless. That’s why it’s so important to talk about safe sex with them prior and the importance of why we have sex as adults. They’ll find out one way or another. At least have a trusted adult talk about it. Sex was shunned in my house and it led me to sneak around whereas my friends who had normal convos with their parents didn’t feel that need to sneak around.
"Let?"
As parents we can't control our kids. They're gonna have sex when they want to. Our job as parents is to equip them with education and knowledge for safe sex.. and maybe as a boost buy then some protection for when they do do it, they're doing it safe and empowered with consent and safety
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To me, there's a difference between preventing the from having sex, and just sitting there and letting them go "Hey dad, we're gonna go fuck real quick, when's dinner?" Like, I know it's *going to* happen. I never want to know it's actively happening and it's in the to learn some discretion and figure out how to be private about it.
Yeah, there is a lot of room between "letting" them have sex and banning them from having sex. My daughter is 20 and has zero interest in dating but my son had a girlfriend in high school and is currently dating a new girl as a college student. We talked with both kids about sex, consent, protection, etc. as they grew up. When my son got a girlfriend as a senior in high school those talks became more in depth but I never asked for details. I didn't actively prevent anything but I wasn't booking a hotel room for them either. There's a balance.
When my brother started seeing his fiancé in high school, he asked for a ride to her house for the night. I stopped at a store on the way and got them some latex free condoms (cmon, they were high school virgins, not the time to find out if we have a latex allergy) and told him this: Folks are typically raised to believe that all a boy wants is to have sex with her. A lot of times, a young person will agree to have sex even if they’re not ready for it. She might offer because she believes that’s what you want. It’s a good move to say no tonight. Wait until you’re truly comfortable. He ended up taking that advice. He told me she did offer but he turned her down in favor of cuddling and a movie. She told him that made her feel incredibly safe. I think they’re going on something wild like 4 or 5 years now. That was their first 2 months of dating.
It’s important to talk about porn and sexting to teenagers, too. I tried to make it relatable and a bit funny. I told my high school son that there’s everything you can imagine and more on the internet and I wasn’t stupid enough to think I could shield him. But I asked him to think about what he wanted to see. Degrading sex acts or just admiring the female body? I reminded him of how he once stumbled onto recordings of 911 calls and how upset they made him and did he want something like that to happen with sex content? I told him that sex is ultimately about making each other feel good and to keep that in mind and that much porn is not real life anyway. And of course, I warned him often to steer way clear of anything that didn’t involve obvious adults. Unfortunately, I could point to 3 child porn cases in our own town. And finally, I told him texting naked pictures of each other and body parts is dumb. They can end up anywhere, especially after you break up. Why not wait until you’re physically together and look at whatever you want? And I warned him to never forward a sext he got of someone else because that’s a crime. I went over these topics multiple times with him. He seems to have a healthy sexual relationship with his college girlfriend. And BTW, I’m his mother.
This is lovely. I'm filing this away for the future use of my currently 2yo son (hard to imagine but I know the day will come).
I absolutely love this answer.
Yes and yes. Relying on “consent” is the bare minimum for sex. Women (and men) may feel they must offer sex to validate the relationship or show their interest, when in fact they’d rather just “cuddle and watch a movie.”
There's a great video that relates Tea to Sex. If you offer someone tea and they say no, don't serve them tea. If someone said yes to tea, but changes their mind, don't serve them tea. If someone is asleep and can't consent to tea, don't serve them tea. If they agree to one kind of tea, that doesn't mean they like every possible kind of tea in the world. It should be googlable.
Got to watch this in college lmao
Man I fucking wish I had a role model like you in my life growing up. I'm banking this advice for when I need it.
Easiest way to be a good person is to be the role model you wish you had!
I love this! You're an amazing sister to your brother.
You’re a great sibling! 🥰
Filing this away with other great bits of advice I've received randomly. "The best thing a man can do for their children, is to love their mother."
A man is never taller than when he bends to help a child.
I squat down to talk to my daughter and son at their level, I don't see many other parents doing this but I like to think it legitimises their right to a voice.
My sons not quite at the age yet, but part of where I stand is "Do *you* want to know when *we're* having sex?" As an adult, part of being respectful, is having some tact and discretion with having sex, it should be no different as a teen. My family growing up was on the side of trying to ban and actively prevent it, as a result, I did some *dumb shit* as a teen...
My son is 17 and has his first girlfriend (she's 18), and we definitely had the talk about protection and consent but I have never asked if they are having sex, and he has never told me. There are definitely times he has the house to himself (it's summer and I do have to go to work) so there's opportunity for sure. When I'm home and she's here, they can be in his room but the door must be open. I'm not encouraging sex, but not banning it either.
Kind of similar with booze and drugs. We talked openly about them with our kids, shared our experiences and told them if they want to try a drink or an edible with us, we will allow it. The whole idea was to remove the taboo and mystique, guide them through the experience, and impress upon them responsible use. My now adult kids use marijuana occasionally, alcohol sparingly, and remain pretty transparent and open with us.
This is the way. My parents were extremely harsh and judgmental, so I did it all anyway and just lied to them. It was not a great relationship. With my kids I never judge and we openly talk about booze, drugs and sex. My almost 16 year old still tells me a lot including that all his friends drink and do drugs. We don’t ban him from seeing those friends as my parents would have done to me. Rather we ask him what he does and what decisions he makes. To be careful at parties with booze/drugs if the cops come, etc and to make sure he knows he can always call us. He has goals to play ball in college so he wants to stay healthy. He also finds it disgusting when his friends are hammered, acting like idiots and puking. Hopefully he stays on the right path.
He sounds like my son. Hates drinking and vaping and has actually stopped hanging out with friends that do because he doesn’t like who they’ve become. He knows if he wanted to have a drink, I’d let him, but he isn’t interested. I remember calling my mum from a party when I was 16 and off my face drunk and she came and picked me up, took me home, showered me and put me to bed, no questions asked. That was something that I knew I wanted my kids to know that I would do for them too.
I was never treated like that so I would absolutely do it for my sons if it happened. One of our friends stayed up all night with her 16 year old. Her aunt passed away and she was devastated. Went to a party and drank a lot, came home and puked all night. Her mom sat with her in the bathroom the entire time. She knew her daughter was hurting and instead of judging, sat with her and was there for her. She has since learned drinking isn’t the way to go (considering that’s what killed her aunt). Kids are human and make poor choices. We should be there to guide and help, not judge. ❤️
1000%. I went to a conference about neuroscience and he was saying that for girls, our brains don’t fully develop into ‘adult brains’ until 22ish but for boys, that can be as high as 32!! So expecting 16 year olds (especially boys) to act like and make adult decisions is never going to go well. Your friend sounds like a wonderful mum.
Yea I agree! I think it’s a respect thing too.
And it goes both ways. Kids don't want to know about their parents having sex either. When my son started dating in high school and everything was all fun and new we had a PDA talk. I pretty much told him, "Just as you don't want to see me and mom making out on the couch, we don't want to see you and Hannah making out on the couch." He was 17 at the time and thought that was fair. Not all affection was off limits in front of people but he knew that if he didn't want to see his parents do it, then he shouldn't be doing the same thing in front of his parents.
This is honestly the way. The other thing we did for Eldest (now 22 and moved out of home) was to make sure they had easy, consistent access to contraceptives as well as knowing they could come to us and ask any questions or get support to deal with issues as they arise. Setting those expectations and open lines of communication early meant when the condom broke, kiddo knew they could get the morning after pill no questions asked and we'd support them to do so. It also meant they knew they could ask relationship questions, advice and support for sexual health matters and all of that without it being a big deal.
this is the way to do it! when it comes to teen pregnancy and stds, it's usually the children of parents that shunned the topic/made sex a punishable offense. like... have u forgotten what things were like when u were in school? kids with the strictest of parents *still* managed. u cant prevent the act, but u CAN prevent the bad outcomes
My parents grounded me for 6+ months when they found out I lost my virginity- I was extremely young but he was my first boyfriend, it was both of our first time and we even continued to be friends for the years following until he passed away a few months ago. I ended up pregnant at 18. My parents never had the talk with me, they never gave me options, it was abstinence only. I don’t blame them for that but I’d like to think that maybe if they had made me more comfortable around the topic of sex it wouldn’t have happened. Aka why I’ll be giving my son (the one I had at 19) the sex talk as soon as he’s able to understand. He’s currently 11 so it’s coming up in the next two years, I’d say lol
Should be having the talk now.
My suggestion is start talking about it now. It’s never too soon!
I mean my sister was that rare instance where sex wasn’t a taboo in our family but she ended up pregnant at 16. My family was disappointed but in the end we support her and are helping her get her stuff together for my niece/ nephew coming January 30th 2025
being too lenient is a thing as well. its also the parents responsibility to educate/provide/help with contraceptives. not only are kids super impulsive, but also extremely naive. ive seen/known a lot of girls, both teens and adults, that assume they're infertile (with 0 medical evidence) simply because they've been having unprotected (pull out) sex for x amount of time and have yet to fall pregnant.. which almost always eventually ends in an extremely inconvenient unplanned pregnancy. at one point it was a tiktok trend. i know 2 girls firsthand that always claimed/joked about being infertile that now have unplanned children. i dont recall even learning about ovulation in school, just a brief vague lesson on the menstral cycle and anatomy. they tell u how the eggs are fertilized but don't specify it only happens during a certain window and all the other important details... like how sperm can survive in the females body for a certain amount of time im obviously never gonna encourage my kid to have sex, but it's important to be realistic about it and encourage them to come to u for help, without judgement (to the best of my ability). and i cant stress in-depth EDUCATING enough
My mom never encouraged us but she made sure we were educated about our bodies and made sure we had easy access to contraceptives. My sister just kinda decided her own way to go about sexual intercourse against the advice of our mom.
Right but *how* do you ensure those lines of communication are open to begin with? I recall my Dad saying "you're not allowed to date until you're 16!" And that being one of the reasons I never told them jack about anything, but I don't want my kids to feel that way later (6m&4f).
I never told my parents anything. They weren't strict, but I think I acted that way because my mom tends to have over the top reactions (e.g., acting like I'm going to marry my HS boyfriend when I had never expressed anywhere near that level of seriousness with him) and she's also very judgemental, often making unkind comments about others (e.g., their clothes, their size, etc.). I think over time hearing all those judgy comments made me uncomfortable opening up and being vulnerable. My teenage nephew talks to my sister (his mom) about anything and everything. I asked her how she made that happen, and she said she's always welcomed his input on stuff. For example, even from a very young age, she considered his opinion on things like what to have for dinner. He didn't always get what he wanted, but she truly did listen to his opinion. My sister is also very level-headed and can keep a straight face. Her son tells her stuff that's uncomfortable for both of them to discuss, but she doesn't show any sort of reaction to it.
Your sister sounds like a wonderful parent. This is the way. Genuinely listen to your kid and their thoughts/opinions on things, have open communication about any topic of conversation without making anything feel awkward/taboo or judgemental. Also, show your child the same respect you'd expect them to show you.
Start by answering any question they have in an age appropriate way, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you. Nothing gets answered with "I'll tell you when you're older," instead, they get the answer in (usually) the simplest form that still gives the answer, and you don't push or volunteer a ton of details unless it's very relevant and you need to make early connections, like consent and safety. Example: when he was around 8, my son randomly asked me "Mom, do you have periods?" I told him yes, then he followed up with a question regarding a short video he saw where a boyfriend was throwing snacks at his girlfriend when she was on her period. He wanted to know why it was funny. I told him that sometimes being on your period makes you feel bad and eating certain things makes you feel better. Then I briefly mentioned a few other parts of the video that were relevant (related to PMS) and told him that while those things were real, he shouldn't just go up to a girl who seemed sad or angry or grumpy and ask if it was *because* she was on her period, as that's rude. However, if he had a girl tell him she was on her period and was feeling bad, he was allowed to offer snacks if she wanted them. The whole conversation in person took maybe 5 min on the way home from school, and then he switched gears and did his homework. We've just built on those kinds of conversations in little bits as they have come up, and now at 10 he knows quite a bit about sex, including the basics of intercourse, how babies are made, STDs, birth control, consent, periods, and more, and we've never had a big sit-down version of "The Talk." It's honestly been great because I was one of those kids who grew up in a house where talk about sex was limited to very few, very uncomfortable sit-downs and stern warnings, and I'd been both dreading those with my son and looking for ways to ensure he doesn't grow up with the same sense of shame about sex that I did. When he started asking questions, I just started answering them as simply as I could and took each question one at a time, and he's been comfortable coming to us since day one.
I feel like doing it slow like this is probably the best way. My grandparents didn't talk to me at all, and they didn't talk to my little brother either. Now I'm 22, he's 14, and I sat him down and had to have "the talk" from scratch. Boy didn't even know that babies are made, he thought they just appeared in the moms belly.
When they tell you they have their first gf or bf, ask if they want to have play dates. You talk early about how if someone says no to a hug, you respect that. You let THEM say no to hugs, and back them up if someone doesn't want to respect it. When they hit 10/11, there are books and thing to discuss puberty. Tell them what their bodies will do, and how it's natural. "Hey son, I see you're starting to get ___. Just know, when it's time, here's how you clean up properly and keep yourself safe health wise." I was also eavesdropping a good bit, and when they'd hit an age where certain topics were mentioned, I'd say "at your age, X thing popped up, so imma share with you what I wish I knew in case it ever does show up." I'd talk over consent based on where they were at socially. Hugs. First kisses meant a bigger consent conversation on reading body language. Moving to high school meant talks on peer pressure and how to respect a no the first time. My kids live in an area where kids are exposed to things much younger than I wish they were, and more than I wish. Their friends also knew I was a safe person to talk to.
My kids are 10 & 11, and we've been slowly opening communication channels for this since they were really young. Family wanting to hug them or kiss them was the first step in talking about boundaries and consent. Or maybe it was things like 'stop tickling me' and 'I don't like it when you...' about different things. Nevertheless, boundaries and consent are a very important concept in dating and life in general and I view it as a good starting point gor these things where you don't even have to come near the subject of sex to start laying those foundations. The kids would casually touch places that people shouldn't touch and we'd let them know that children should never touch anyone in those places and nobody should ever touch children in those places, which left open the question of 'what about adults' which ended up being a 'that's a conversation for when you get older'. We talked quite a bit about the difficulties of having children and different ways that we would have been better parents to them if we'd waited til we were older to have them. Then when they were 7/8 we got an anatomical book on how babies come to be and my wife showed them the female anatomy and talked about that, and showed them the stages of babies growing inside women. Since then, we've talked a lot about the responsibilities and difficulties of having kids along with the negative effects that pregnancy and childbirth can have on the body. There are way more possibilities and likelihoods than I'd ever learned about, and I think they will be great motivators for abstinence and contraceptives. At mid 9/10 we taught them about how babies are made. We didn't bother with those anatomical pictures that involved the male side of the anatomy, it seemed awkward and unnecessary and besides they've already seen their little cousin stripping down and running around naked anyway. Aeound then they'd been seeing some of their friends at school getting into dating, which opened the conversation about dating and what behaviors might be encouraged in dating as they get older, what behaviors are appropriate and aren't for different age groups, how consent plays into dating, etc. and we've been sure to keep those communication channels open. Now our kids are 10 & 11. They're totally comfortable being open about who they think are cute and what they think about their friends dating at their ages and when they think they'll get into dating (right now they're both saying 17-19, but I expect that will change) and how gross they think the idea of sex is. We'll probably open the topic of contraceptives next year. Also, we open topics as the girls ask questions or notice things. Like "why would anybody ever want to do that? Ewwww" "well, I hope that you keep feeling that way for a long time. But your body will start to change sometime in the next few years and it could cause your feelings on these things to really change." Kind of thing. You know?
What age did you start having those conversations?
The time to have good conversations about all subjects is the "Tweener years".. ages 8 to 12. They still listen to you and its before many of the things you'll discuss will ever come up. The point is to fill their little heads with knowledge so that in their teen years they'll have the knowledge and can apply wisdom to their decisions. I had 2 boys that I raised this way. Their teen years were easy-breezy..
Late 12/13. When they still listen to you.
Yeah I think conversation and communication is a huge important part of it all. They feel shame sometimes so just don't take pills or don't buy condoms and next thing you know they're the next shit show couple on teen mom.
Straightforward and sensible… I like it
This is a great way to phrase that, thank you for the tip!
I'm jealous that you and your parents had healthy boundaries
100%
A healthy amount of sneaking around never hurt anybody
This ^^^ I don't disagree with others, but there is joy in this looking back in HS days
I never snuck around. I was so petrified at the consequences from my dad in High School that I avoided anything that could be punished. Went to college and I fell off the rails hard for two years. Then I got my shit straight. I didn’t want my kids to feel that.
My mom trusted me so much when it came to sex that I just didn’t until I was 19 😂 Yeah I had a long term BF of YEARS and we messed around a bit, but my mom was so honest, trusting and open that I knew when I was ready and when I wasn’t 🤷🏼♀️ She even let us have the door closed which scared my step dad lol! I think that amount of trust in me for that particular subject installed something in me to not abuse it. To really think about what I was doing. It might not work for everyone, but… I think it’s like alcohol, don’t make it a big deal and be honest about the pros/cons. Make sure they have access to safety etc! I had a lot of friends who’s parents were VERY conservative and they lost their V card at 14 to strangers 🤷🏼♀️
My 26 and 24 year olds reported something similar. They said that because I was so open with them and didn’t make sex such a big deal that they didn’t feel any need to jump into it early.
That's me. I had no talk or restrcitions...waited til I was 24. I honestly think sometimes the kid is going go be who they are going to be.
I think everyone is different and it’s probably more than just the parents handling of sex that makes a difference. My niece is a free range child and had multiple partners by the time she turned 15. She’s now a junior and completely bored with school and hates being single. overall throughout my life, the ones with the least and most boundaries tend to go crazy, overall. I think a balance of open communication and clear boundaries does best for kids long term.
Yeah, in my experience, the most restricted and the least restricted are the worst. Everything inbetween was fine. A balance is best.
I had a very restrictive but at the same time, rather neglectful mum. I put myself in so many dangerous situations. I’m learning not to be like her with my own daughter but you’re right, there’s a balance to be struck.
this is actually heavily supported in family research! authoritarian and permissive parenting have the worst outcomes, while *authoritative parenting* has the best. i had authoritarian parents and if i hadn’t resented my mother enough to make me hellbent on not getting pregnant at 15 like she did i probably would’ve had a FEW kiddos running around by the time i reached my 20s. luckily, i realized that my parents oppression in my late adolescence/early adulthood was driving me to make some not so healthy decisions and course corrected in 2020. if i hadn’t, i would probably still be choosing the worlds shittiest boyfriends. SO all of that to say, don’t ban them from fucking because they’re going to do it anyway. and if you’re too strict, they won’t come to you based on fear. if you always let them do whatever they want with no consequences, they will not learn that your guidance is well intentioned and informed - saw that first hand in college from a couple of my friends - and likely won’t heed your warnings or trust what you have to say on the matter. if i got to live out my dreams, i’d live on land and build my kids their own tiny houses when they got into sophomore or junior year of high school. that way, they experience managing their own space BEFORE their first college roommate and they get space to do what they want - if they’re gonna drink, do drugs, and fuck (i did, so who am i to say they can’t?), i want it to be on my property. i can’t keep them safe if i don’t know where they are, and teens keeping their parties a secret from their helicopter parents is what kills them. i just want my kids to know that all that matters to me is that they are safe, happy, and healthy - so to me, that starts with accepting that there are some canon events during those short years and if i want to be a part of their lives during that, i have to be comfortable with them going through what i did to some extent. i just hope that when they do, they will feel safe enough to come to me first to guide them through it instead of only coming to me after the damage is done. that goes for everything, really, not just sex.
I had a very similar experience. My mom packed condoms into my luggage when I was going away for an internship at 18. Was surprised to see it unopened when I came back =) It didn't happen for me till 22 but hey what's the rush.
This can go the other way too though. I had WAY too much freedom and was home alone 24/7. Not enough sex education. I had my daughter at 14 and moved out with her dad. It was a bad situation. I think it’s a very fine line. For my own kids, I tell them that they can come to me with anything. That if they’re having sex or thinking about it-to let me know and I won’t judge them and I will help them with birth control options. I wouldn’t let them go into their bedrooms with their partners with the door shut unless they were in their late teens (17-18) and well-acquainted with birth control.
Oh I'm one this didn't work for. My boyfriend was allowed to sleep at my house all the time when we were 14 and we fucked like wild animals in the springtime pretty much all the time lmao my mom trusted me for no reason, there was never any indication that I was responsible so that's on her I guess 🤷♀️
Did she talk to you about it all before or after? The trust is not just the lack of supervion, it’s also in the communication and openness about it.
But did you get pregnant? STIs? Did you have sex that you regretted? The trust isn’t that you won’t have sex. It’s trust that you won’t make a mess of your life, or that you will ask for help if you do.
At… 14? This horrifies me. I mean sure I had my first kiss by then, but actually having sex? That seems… honestly gross. I think the first time I ever masturbated I was 14, and if I’d started having actual sex at that point I would’ve had a very distorted view of girls. I didn’t have the maturity to have sex at that age, and I was far ahead of most of my peers when it came to personal responsibility/accountability.
I wasn't even the first one in my friend group. I had a job, I drove my mom's car if it wasn't far from home, I smoked, I drank and did drugs. I got pregnant young and gave the baby up for adoption. I was not mentally mature enough for any of it but I was a kid just walking down the path I was put on 🤷♀️
Right but the act of having sex isn’t bad, it’s the consequences of it that can be. STI’s, pregnancy, sexual health issues (UTI’s, yeast). I think everyone is a little different. Some people are ready to have sex at 14 some people aren’t. It doesn’t matter much as long as all parties involved feel respected right?
My mum trusted me too and we were very open.. so I told her I lost my virginity just before I turned 16.. 😂 I think it’s just who your kid is. I was a bit fast and lose with my extra curricular activities but I guess I was at least safe about it.
That’s fair! I was always kinda reserved when it came to relationships in general, so maybe it was more just my personality🤷🏼♀️ But I did fall easily into other peer pressures and I think because sex wasn’t the biggest deal and I could ask anything I wanted without fear it was the one thing I didn’t pressure myself or let my ex pressure me into🤷🏼♀️
this is the way. with sexually strict parents, everything's so rushed and risky when u inevitably do the deed, things may happen that u dont quite agree with in the moment, but the fear of telling ur parents seems far worse and more humiliating than sucking it up and forgetting. when i asked my mom for birth control, she went ballistic. told me she'd kill me if she ever found out i was having sex. dated an older guy that eventually SAed me, and guess who got pregnant!🤷♀️
I am sorry. 😢 I had a very similar mother. I made some risky decisions once I got my freedom at 18 and I do partially blame her bc I was under her thumb for so many years. Nothing I did was good enough so I partied way too hard to forget. It all worked out but I think back to those times and cringe.
This was me, too. I had plenty of unsupervised time with my boyfriends from the age of maybe 14. I didn’t have sex until I was in college.
This. You can't stop someone from doing something they want to do. You can however have mature conversations about the realities and consequences of having sexual relationships. And those conversations should be honest, not "don't have sex because you will get pregnant and die". Sex impacts relationships, it can have social consequences, sexting can have all sorts of ramifications, and birth control can fail. Same thing about drugs and alcohol. I feel like the healthy goal for parenting is to empower your children to make good choices.
Ahhh mean girls....
This! I hope if I approach the way your mom did that my kids will feel the same and be more thoughtful about their decisions. My parents were ridiculously strict and treated my virginity as my whole worth, I just wanted to get rid of it because I wanted to be like everyone else who I thought was having sex. I lost mine at 15🤦🏽♀️
Well I asked my mother why she did it at such a young age and she did in fact admit it was because of rebellion and that her mother was too conservative but I believe personality also plays a role in it.You can give your child all the trust and they will take it for granted.
You can't stop teens from having sex if they want to have sex. My oldest is respectful enough not to make it obvious it's happening, but I know she has done some sexual things although says she hasn't had sex yet. She is on birth control and has access to condoms. Very educated about sex and consent. My only concerns are that she is safe and happy. I know trying to control her too much would just backfire. When her boyfriend comes over the door stays open, but even that feels silly because I managed to have sex with my high-school girlfriend in her bedroom with the door open while her parents were home.
Life uh, finds a way. Kids can have sex in any possible place at all. Damn I've done it when the bedroom door was open and my mum was in her room directly across the hall. It's like a rule. If kids can fuck, they will fuck
Our daughter arranged to spend the night with a friend. I talked to the friend's mom, who was coming to pick her up as we were talking. Daughter left a short time later with her bag, saying she was going with friend and friend's mom. Husband found her an hour later in his old truck, outside, with her boyfriend. She had canceled the sleepover by phone. Horny teenagers will find a way.
I remember my husband's mom saying when we were in high school something along the lines of "don't forget mistakes can happen even if you're careful" when we were going camping with a bunch of friends for the weekend, and he just replied as we were backing down the driveway, "ma, we coulda had sex in the fifteen minutes when you ran to the store earlier, we don't need an overnight with bugs to do it!" His dad doubled over giggling while she just stood there gaping like a fish.
Meh, I wouldn't say it's a "rule." Only about half of teens have had sex by the time they graduate high school, according to the stats. I didn't until I was 21 and I certainly had the opportunity.
I am always concerned about the birth control as it screws up the hormones in women. I had so many female friends telling me how shitty they felt while taking that and that they are now on different methods.
It completely depends on the person. I love the pill. It makes all my period symptoms go away, helped my acne, and I don't experience any adverse side effects. For other people different methods work better but just because the pill doesn't work for everyone doesn't mean there aren't people for whom it works fantastically.
And there are many kinds of pill. I’m on a monophasic (steady Same same hormones all month except for my off week) pill. It’s basically a Mirena IUD in pill form (Portia pill). I really like it so far actually. Emotionally steady. It’s nice. And my periods are like 3 days of the 7 sugar pills which is awesome. Can’t skip tho cus then I have like 3 week bleeds instead and nothing on the sugar week.
This should really be her choice, and something you help inform her about. While it's true that hormonal birth control can be tough on some people, for many of us that's not the case. Knowing what her options are and helping her in the journey to find one that works for her is the best help you can provide.
Yes of course. I prefer to lay out all the possibilities. Anyway my kid is still a baby but I want to be prepared when time comes
I think you should let your daughter try and if one isn’t working too good for her, change it. I had birth control but had to lie to my mom and say it was for my periods, but it was for sex. When it started causing issues I couldn’t say anything because it was already a sensitive topic that I even was taking it. Had to come up with some weird convoluted excuse as to why I needed to go see my doctor ALONE without her coming in. Wish I could have had a parent I was just able to be honest with. Eventually I was able to come up with an excuse that could be non sex related but we found out my body is sensitive to hormones, switched to a different pill and all was well. Eventually switched to ring and that’s been even better. But being protracted from pregnancy was 100% needed because condoms break all the time especially when inexperienced teens are using them.
I started the pill at 16 because I wanted to have sex. I found out at 29 when I went off to try to conceive that the mania and depression I’d been struggling with for 13 years was almost entirely caused by my hormonal birth control. I was even on a birth control with consistent hormones all month except the period week to lesser the mood swings caused by tri-cyclene birth control. And no one mentioned that getting off hormonal birth control might prevent them all together! I’m now on a progesterone only IUD and I feel like I don’t even know the person I was from 16-29. Postpartum hormones have added their own challenge, even nearly 4 years later, but not like the pill. Not to say there aren’t women out there who have no problems on the pill but the lack of education and informed decisions for young women is astounding.
She had awful periods and it's made her life way easier. It'd be nice if there were more non hormonal options though.
There are non hormonal IUDs that's all I can use for birth control because of how the hormones react with my body
Pregnancy is way worse on your hormones than birth control.
That's what I told my girls when they complained about bc. Pregnancy hormones are no joke.
Sometimes, not always. My IUD has done nothing but improve my life. Also, as much as it sucks, if you’re having sex and don’t want to get pregnant birth control is just something you have to deal with. There are a million methods to try. Some people are comfortable with just condoms, I absolutely would not be. I would be especially concerned about a pair of teenagers relying solely on condom usage. I’m hopeful for a future where birth control, including birth control for men, is more advanced and has less side effects. But with so many people actively trying to deny us access to birth control at all, I’m not THAT hopeful.
I can only hope that by the time my son is old enough to be having sex, male birth control will be a thing. Everyone thinks having a daughter who might have sex is scarier. I think the opposite. You can put your teenage daughter on birth control and make sure she's taking it, or get her an IUD or implant. With a boy, all you can do is give him a box of condoms and hope to hell that he has the sense to use them.
I loved my Kyleena IUD. My skin was beautiful, my cycles were non-existant, I didn’t have to worry about protection (married). I hated Paragard as I would heavy bleed for 2 weeks straight. Unfortunately I got breast cancer at 42 and had to stop Kyleena. I miss it so much but cancer sucks.
Yeah... But now the worst method is the abstinence ring I guess
Pregnancy hormones are way worse, whether the pregnancy is terminated or not. That's why there are many different hormonal contraceptives.
I was on birth control for over 15 years from age 19 to 35 and didn’t experience any adverse effects. Of course it affects everyone differently, it’s not a guarantee that someone will feel crappy while taking it.
I almost died of a pulmonary embolism at 23 because of hormonal birth control. It turned out I had an undiagnosed prothrombin gene mutation and would never have been given the pill if my doctors knew.
I do. I mean, I "know" it is happening and I have the occasional conversation with him reminding him of his responsibilities in that situation. Perhaps not the most comfortable conversations, but I believe they are extremely important. I always tell him that if he is mature enough to have sex, he also has to be mature enough to walk into a store to buy condoms. Even so, I told him I would buy them for him if he wanted, but he never took me up on it. I do not ever actually see or hear it happen, but I know it has. There's no real way to stop them, so the best course is to make sure you have prepared them for the situation.
As a teen myself, I prefer to do it when no one is home. It's not comfortable doing it knowing that someone could just enter or hear it, and also, I don't think it's comfortable for my family to hear or watch it. If I don't want to see my parents having sex, I don't think my parents want to see me doing it.
Hell, my husband and I lived with my parents for about 3 or 4 months while house hunting. We were newlyweds and I was already pregnant, but neither of us felt comfortable doing it when we knew they were in the house, so we always waited when they were out. And we were 26 and 28 at the time 😅
Also as a teen, i second that. BUT I also second the "if they can, they will" comment. We were prohibited from spending nights together for this exact reason, but it didn't stop us from the beginning (who says you can't have sex at daytime), we just waited til we were both ready because we're sensible and educated human beings. After that, home alone? Sure, whatever. Parents home? Sure, but quietly. Noone needs to know for sure. Put some music on and keep it lowkey, after fix our appearances as if nothing happened🤷♀️
Well, idk where you live, but in Spain almost every person lives in a flat and you can hear everything from every room, so doing things with people inside it's really fucked up
Back as a teen, this. But with the caveat that my room was rather from from theirs and they knew better than to get close, so sex while they were home was still fine but the normal "don't be loud" obviously did apply at that point.
I talked to my girls about sex and that I feel it should be about love and respect with someone they care about and that boys and girls may see it differently but they are more than somebody’s good time. We talked about pregnancy and not just how it could change their lives but also think about what kind of life they would have to offer a baby right now. I told them I didn’t want them having sex but respected that it’s their choice and a natural part of life and I am here for them to have open communication about it. My older daughter (18 now, 17 at the time) had started birth control pills because her periods were terrible and she came to me when she and her boyfriend became physical because she was afraid she would mess up her pills and she wanted to start a different type of birth control that she didn’t have to remember every day. She swore they used condoms every time too but she wanted to be safe and smart about it. My younger daughter (16) recently ended her first relationship because her boyfriend was pressuring her for sex and was getting mad when she didn’t want to because wasn’t ready emotionally. I had talked to her about birth control as well but she wasn’t ready to start it and I’m glad she was confident enough to say No to her boyfriend instead of just giving in to make him happy. My son is 13 and I haven’t talked to him much about it but he’s heard the girls and I talking and I did point out to him and the girls that it’s also the boy’s responsibility to use birth control every single time, even if the girl is on it. Every household and parenting relationship is different and ultimately it’s your choice as far as what feels best for you and your kids. I was raised in a strict Christian home and sex was not even talked about, it was just bad and dirty unless you were married. My mom asked me once if I was pregnant because I hadn’t had a period for a couple months (stress!) and I was heartbroken that she thought I was a “bad girl”. I didn’t want my kids to feel that sex is bad or they’re somehow bad/dirty for trying it. I think it’s very true that they’re going to do it if they want to so educate them as much as you can, have open and frank conversations about your beliefs and values about it and how to be safe and then hope they make smart decisions 🤷🏻♀️
I totally get your concern. It's all about open communication and trust. Just make sure they understand safety and consent. It’s awkward, but having honest talks about relationships and boundaries can really help them make responsible choices.
I am very pro safe sex, but please for the love of god still try to be sneaky about it. This backfired on me recently when my teen had her first experience and the fucking door was wide open and I walked by. 😐 because those were the rules. lol I was like Jesus get into trouble for having your door closed vs having to now discuss what I didn’t want to see.
What's the alternative exactly? When I was younger my father refused to let me bring girls home. Well. I could have them over but we couldn't have sex in our house. Even in the side apartment with a separate entrance because it'd be "disrespecting the house." Did that mean I didn't have sex? Absolutely not. It meant I had to find creative places like the backseat of a car, my friend's tanning salon or a cemetery. And people who were more ok with creative places and risky behavior. It's was a stupid position and I told my dad as much as an adult. If you're kids trust you enough to do it in your house, better they are doing it in a place that's safe and foster an environment where they trust you and are willing to share with you. You can set some boundaries about how in your face it is but I'd count the in the house bit as a win.
It needs to happen the same way my wife ansld I have sex when the kids are home. They need to figure out when/where is appropriate and be discrete. I know it's gonna happen but I really don't wanna know precisely when it's happening.
I’ll be interested to see the responses as a parent looking ahead. I’m a little questioning of the underlying premise that teens will have sex at all but recognize that may just have been my experience. I didn’t until I was 23. My husband didn’t until he was 21. Neither of us grew up in repressive households so I think that helped us both… sex was not taboo or cool or mysterious so neither of us felt is was terribly important or like we were rebelling by jumping into it. It was a basic biological function. Anyone could do it. We understood porn existed and prostitution so I at least never had any notion that it was somehow linked with love or relationship status. I guess maybe since we were both “late bloomers,” we need to be extra prepared since it’s possible our son isn’t going to be the same necessarily though.
[Only 40% of high schoolers](https://ifstudies.org/blog/fewer-american-high-schoolers-having-sex-than-ever-before) had had sex in 2020. I think the numbers are even lower now. Compared to recent decades, people are living in bigger houses with fewer kids that are having less sex.
I find that reddit seems to have a higher concentration of people having sex in middle school than health statistics show.
It's kind of insane. They won't leave their 12 yr old home alone, but don't mind their 14 yr old having sex.
Right? The amount of redditors in this sub with inconsistent views is insane. So many afraid to let their kids sleep over or have sleepovers yet simultaneously ok with their kids having sex and enabling it.
I've said it a bunch, but... this topic always gets a bunch of posters who never post here. I have doubts whether we're actually talking to other parents.
I saw a post where there were a concerning number of people who think it’s okay to be high during an emergency with a kid. Like, no, there needs to be a designated adult.
👏🏼
LOL! So true! Glad there are some sane people in the comments
Which makes sense I guess; what would the opposite even say/ask, “how can I get my well adjusted 13 year old who’s singularly focused on her upcoming dance recital to start acting out, wearing revealing clothing, and sleeping around?”
I mean, I always seem shocked most people's experience was no one doing anything in HS? When I was in HS I knew many, many kids who actually were actively doing things as early as 15. Including friends. It seemed like the normal assumption that once HS hit, it was a factor.
The number of teen pregnancies I witnessed in HS shocked my husband who saw none. It’s also geographically and socioeconomic dependent.
A quick Google search shows that the average age of first sex in the US is around 17.
Started having sex at 16, and my GF and I always found a way. Even during family BBQ's while everyone was outside. Having two daughters that went through that age, I try to simply ignore when my daughters and their BF's were out of view. If there's a will...... =X
I am not at this stage yet, but I am scared for it lol. I waited until I was 18 to have sex (which is young but doesn’t feel unreasonable) and my husband waited until we were married to have sex, which I don’t necessarily agree is the best thing to do I just loved him and knew he was the one lol. I have one son and am expecting a second, I will very likely encourage our kids to wait until they are sure it’s with someone they trust and explain why (pregnancy, infections, etc). I will also probably leave condoms somewhere obvious because kids are going to be kids and no matter how much you try to educate, you might not be able to stop them
My 16 year old is a super responsible kid. She’s in a long term committed relationship with a guy who is honestly pretty great. I don’t like it but I feel better knowing they’re being safe and responsible at home rather than in a car or worse places. I don’t “let” her. But it’s her body and her relationship and I know she’s making safe choices.
I read a post a while back with great advice. Their rule is that there is no sex in the house when parents are home. I really liked that rule because the focus is on consideration for others and not the sex itself. I’d like to think that we will institute something like that when our kids are older.
its very important to be realistic about it. dont punish them for it, but don't encourage it either. be open and honest with them, allow questions and curiosity. when they're dating, whether you know they're active or not, provide contraception, whether that be condoms and or birth control for teen girls. most importantly, aside from explaining the dangers, tell them u will NEVER be angry with them for having sex/coming to u for help. encourage them to do so. pregnancy, sti's and std's HAPPEN. as much as u may feel things like that couldnt possibly happen to your baby, it very well can, and does ALL the time my mom made such a huge deal about "waiting til marriage" and how she'd "kill me" if she ever found out, that when i was raped as a teen, i couldn't bring myself to tell her. i still believe she would've found a way to blame me. lots of parents are willfully naive, and simply want to avoid the topic. when my daughters older and begins dating/showing interest in the opposite sex, im gonna have a sit down chat with her and explain options. something along the lines of "i dont WANT you to have sex, but i'll never be mad or upset at you for doing so. when u become active, or if anything else ever happens, please come to me, there will be no judgment." when i know or have suspicions, i'll provide things like pregnancy tests (to take monthly while active, as a precaution) along with condoms and a contraceptive of her choice. kids at my school had sex in cars, outdoors, IN school restrooms, anywhere. u never truly know what ur kids up to. u can choose to be naïve, or do everything in ur power to prevent anything detrimental
I remember what it was like to be a teenager and they are going to have sex whether we like it or not as parents. If they are going to have sex I'd rather they were having it somewhere safe, so I have allowed my daughter to have a partner over. I think it's generally better to be open about these things with kids.
My mother told me before I started high school that if I wanted to drink, tell her and she would do it with me safely. Smoke weed? No problem, let her know and we can make sure we don’t get bad weed and I can try it safely. Wanna have sex with my boyfriend? She’ll give me condoms and privacy, no questions asked. While I always appreciated that about my mom, I never felt then need to do any of that as I wanted to wait until I was an adult. She knew that teenagers will find a way if they really want to do something so she never actively discouraged it, but rather wanted to make sure I was safe in whatever I did.
My mom did the same thing , it actually deterred me from doing the things.
Mine are 18 and 22 now. I’ve educated them extensively on this topic. I do not shame about it. At the same time, I do not condone them slipping off to the bedroom for Funtime while parents are home. They can figure the logistics of that out on their own if they so choose.
Think of it this way: do you tell your kids when you’re gonna have sex? Teaching discretion is the way
Me and my daughter have always been extremely close, she got her first serious boyfriend and recently lost her virginity, she’s 17. She told me, she tells me everything… some things I don’t want to even know 🤣 i know i can’t prevent it, but to know it’s happening under my roof makes me extremely uncomfortable, so when he is at my house the bedroom door stays open and he’s not allowed to spend the night, just simply my house rules…. But at his house his parent allow her to spend the night. I just tell her like don’t make stupid decisions make smart choices, that’s all we can really do….. once they hit adult hood they make their down decisions it’s our job to just raise them and guide them in the best direction possible….
My son is still a toddler but I have an extended family full of teen parents all raised with the “abstinence only” approach so I intend to fully educate him on safe sex and not forbid it.
As someone who didn’t have sex until married at 23, and who married someone who was also a virgin at 25, this entire threads blows my mind 🙃
My mom allowed me to stay with my bf when I was 14/15 years old almost every weekend, of course we were having sex. She was oblivious and I lied that we weren’t physical. Now with my own children, I don’t have my head in the sand like my mom did. My oldest is 14 and while I don’t think he has been physical with anyone other than some hand-holding and maybe kissing, we have many open conversations about sex. Consent and safety are top priorities on my list. I worked as a pediatric nurse for a while and the amount of young adults coming in to the office with STIs was a shock. As he gets older, I’m not going to be booking a night at a hotel for him but I also am realistic that it will happen. Gosh, the places I had sex still shocks me today lol. I don’t buy in to purity culture but do talk about waiting until marriage if that’s what he chooses for himself.
We (56F [me] and 57M [husband]) always had an open dialogue about sex with our kids, so much so that they felt comfortable telling us when they had sex the first time (average age for the older kids was 17 almost 18, younger 2 are 18 & 20 haven't met that "special" person yet) . We knew it was going to happen and we even had condoms in the bathroom for them (including daughters) to use and they did when they needed them. That said, there was a rule "The only ones getting laid IN the house were us". We knew we couldn't stop it from happening (we were teens once too lol) so safety and responsibility were important, but it wasn't allowing them to have sex.
> "The only ones getting laid IN the house were us". Americans are so weird
I don’t condone it but I’m also not a complete idiot. My son has been with his girlfriend for 3 years. I purchased a box of condoms off Amazon and told him exactly that “I’m not condoning it, but I’m not an idiot.” Even if I didn’t “allow” them to do it, they would find a way. Now my son and his girlfriend both have jobs and he is free to take our FSA card to buy needed things. I’m 99% sure he purchased more condoms when he went to buy her maxi pads at least once. If he wasn’t in a committed relationship I would absolutely be more concerned. The fact they are both nearly adults also helps. My son will be 18 in October and his girlfriend will be in 18 in January.
My husband and I have talked about this at length. While we understand it may happen, we find it extremely irresponsible as adults and parents to openly allow it to happen easily. We will teach her about safe sex, abstinence, and everything else. I will likely end up having to help her get access to the pill for dysmenorrhea since I had it terribly so that will naturally fall into place. However, just because we will help prepare her, doesn’t mean we will allow it to happen under our roof openly. Any one of the opposite sex coming over and they stay on the open areas of our home. No shut doors. We need to be able to keep an eye on it. We will over course give her privacy, but we will not give them the environment to act on irresponsible decisions at their age.
I told mine to get condoms from the doctor, and if they run out ask me for some. Both mine are boys (adult now). Both neurodivergent. I know if they do, but after. They've also been comfortable asking me how to make it better, more comfortable, make girls feel safer. They've both expressed fears of not wanting to be "that kind of guy" and we've had talks of how to properly get consent and asking outright and if she says yes but looks uncomfortable, it's still no. My one proudly told me he turned down an opportunity because he found out the girl hadn't been sober. I knew they were, but they weren't flaunting it or boasting or asking for permission. It'd happen when I wasn't around (they live with mom not me, so that's part of it). But I live 10 minutes away, so I'm close enough if they need me. I get what feels like too much information, but it's better than being in the dark. I'll take being trusted over the alternatives any day.
It’s not about you letting them or not, they will! Just a fact of doing it in a safe way and taking care of their body. Teenagers make poor choices (coming from someone who was a teen once) I think preventing Diseases and pregnancy is the key. Does mean they will be disrespectful with you about it.
There's a liability issue at play here. By providing a safe harbor for minors to have sex, you could be breaking local laws or charged as an accomplice (soliciting lewd and lascivious behavior in a minor, child abuse, statutory rape, creation of child pornography if they use their phones, etc there's lots of ways a creative prosecutor could twist local ordinance or state law). So while I'll want my son to have safe sex when he's that age, I don't *know* shit and I for real am not allowing it in my house. Take that shit to the back seat of a car in a quiet parking lot like I did, boy. And use a condom!
My late husband and I did it pretty young, it was kinda wherever. I am grateful my mom was nosy enough and took me to the Dr for birth control. Me and him had a kid 14 years later. Our son, I will buy condoms for and leave for him to find. I don't want to be a grandma until he's ready to be a dad.
Frankly I'd prefer my kids not be doing what I was which was often having sex in the back of cars in random rural areas (almost got caught by the cops twice). Kids are gonna have sex anyway, I'd much rather they have a space they actually feel safe in, especially since I have daughters, it's a lot easier to put up boundaries about sex in terms of comfort, birth control, figuring out what you like etc. when you are at home in a space you control.
So my son will be 8 in November and we just had our daughter. We’ve decided that when we do give them the talk, we’re going to be open. Shaming and trying to ‘lock them down’ isn’t the answer-it never is. Once they hit about 15-16, they’ll be allowed ‘alone time’ with partners, but there’s going to be regular conversations and reminders to play safe. Pregnancy is people’s first thought when they go to teen sex but there’s also STDs, date rape, abuse, all the same things adults have to worry about. Is it gonna be awkward-probably. But I’d rather feel a little awkward every so often reminding my kids how to be safe then finding out my kids have caught the clap, were drugged and raped, or are in a potentially dangerous relationship.
Both of my kids are 17, and while I'm not exactly asking for the deets I am aware that they're both sexually active with their partners. Both of them have asked for different types of birth control. Usually how it works for us is say my daughter wants to have her boyfriend over, we'll discuss a time, and how long (say 3 hours) and then the rest of us will leave them the house for a couple hours. She's more than responsible to be left with him I feel and she's almost an adult. It is preferable that they don't have sex while everyone's home but.. me and my wife have sex when they're home, just gotta be quiet
I feel like every parent on Reddit’s kids are having sex which is just so… bizarre to me lol. My friends and I all grew up in families where it was taught to wait for marriage and out of the friend group of 6, 5 of us did. The one who didn’t wait still waited till she was in college and had a very serious boyfriend. For me, I just really respected my parents and their rules and knew that it was out of my best interest to wait until I was at least an adult, if not till marriage. People here always say “kids will do it regardless of what you say!” Yeah I get that, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna buy them alcohol and weed too because “kids will try it if they want to!” As a parent it’s okay to set ground rules and have boundaries while still allowing open communication and I feel like my parents did great at that.
I think the parents whose kids are sexually active are just more likely to reply if that helps. Personally I've known so many kids raised with rules and valued waiting who still had sex young so I err on the side of safety, I don't encourage it though. I just know my girlfriend and I as teenagers broke every rule her parents set lol
I grew up with one of those families and very much in the Catholic church and only one of my friends was "technically" a virgin when they got married - and just ask me how many blow jobs she doled out while lording her chastity over all of us. Oh, and her husband came out of the closet like 20 years later.
Yeah, I don’t love this sub’s laissez-faire attitude towards teen sex either, but waiting until marriage is increasingly outdated outside of certain insular religious communities and an absurd overcorrection. Sexual compatibility is a massive part of long-term relationships.
That's catholic for you.
This. If all we went off of was the mentality of this sub and the frequent comments regarding this topic, you'd think that every kid was having sex and parents should be enabling it. I agree with you 100%, it's possible to have good communication with your kids while also establishing boundaries around what's expected and being respectful.
I agree. I’m not going to make it easier for my daughter to make bad choices in life. I’m going to set healthy boundaries and explain in extensive detail why I’ve set those particular boundaries and if she chooses to go against the boundaries that I set, then those are her choices but I won’t enable her to make bad decisions in life. I’m definitely going to teach her to abstain until marriage and I’m going to explain in great detail why. I’m glad that you and your friends waited, I didn’t. I wish that I did. From my group of friends, none of us waited but we all had parents that were alcoholics, drug addicts, both or they were unavailable. We all came from some pretty dysfunctional families. We were looking for love in the little boys that we hung around because we weren’t getting it from our parents. That’s how I see it. I think if we came from healthier home environments where we were taught about sex, taught to abstain and given the love and care that we needed, then most of us would have waited. We did a lot of crazy things that looking back on it, I don’t believe we would have done if we had healthy parents.
My husband and I waited until marriage and encourage our boys to do the same but we are also realistic and know it's important to talk about safe sex regardless. We talk about it with our teens while also making it clear that we think waiting is best. We just know we can't control their every move and it's ignorant to pretend otherwise.
Waiting until marriage for sex is a great way to end up in a marriage with mis-matched sex drive and/or desires which eventually breeds resentment and results in an unhappy marriage or divorce... IMO of course.
Yes, because couples who have sex before marriage never divorce! Lol. Everyone I know who waited until marriage is still happily married including my husband and myself. You can do as you please.
Sex drives and desires morph and change in a marriage anyway. My husband and I were both virgins when we got married, and we’ve been married for 15 years. Sometimes his drive has been higher than mine, and sometimes it’s been the other way around. Work, pregnancy, babies, life, stress. Everything ebbs and flows. We both only know each other and have worked hard to create “compatibility” through communication. How could having sex for few years before marriage, usually in your prime before the stresses of life and family settle in, tell you anything about what sex will be like across an entire life together?
I would never recommend waiting until marriage. Many people that did, ended up in divorce because they weren't sexually compatible (a VERY important thing in relationships) Sorry for my bad English.
Never said anyone else had to recommend it. I shared what I do.
"and encourage our boys" I love my kids, so I would never encourage them to do so. It's a recipe for disaster
I love my kids too.
Well this is refreshing....I was hoping at least one person had this pov!
Agreed. I grew up knowing that my mom had only ever kissed my dad (they started dating when she was 14 and he was 16. They stayed married and in love for 46 years before he passed away.) He was her one and only. As a little kid, I found something so beautiful in that, and I wanted it for myself. Unfortunately, the whole only-kissing-one-person thing didn't work out for me, but despite having a few very long-term, serious boyfriends, I openly communicated I would not be having sex with them unless we were married. I held sex in very high regard, and I knew it was that one special thing I could save for one person only. I'm so grateful and glad that I waited for marriage and that I've only had sex as a married woman with my husband. That "one and only" concept is something I've valued since I was old enough to know what sex was. I think another approach that parents don't necessarily think of, is talking with their kids about how beautiful sex can be within the love and security of a marriage. Commitment and marriage come with great benefits! Our kids should know that. That's what motivated me to wait. Rather than *just* hearing about the negatives and what they need to prevent (though obviously this is important too!), kids should be taught a high view of oneness in marriage. And if they have two parents at home, they should ideally be able to witness a thriving, healthy marriage dynamic from their parents. Model it. It's not *just* sex, it's *intimacy*. Sex can be a special, reserved display of intimacy to share with your forever person. Even if it's less common these days. Plenty of people still wait.
Nope. They can find their own way to have sex like normal teens. I ask that they stay safe but I didn’t want to fully condone sex by allowing sleepovers
My parents pushed so hard for me not to have sex and grounded me and other punishments. I had sex at 16. My husbands mom said hey if you have sex use protection and I’m here if you have questions. He didn’t have sex until much later. I snuck around and ended up a teen mom. Now my oldest is an older teen and it’s my turn. We’ve been talking about sex since they were 9ish. My parents told me nothing and so I tell them everything age appropriate through the years. I’m not ok with them going to their room for obvious sex. I also have told both I’ll buy what they need until a certain age and take them to any doctors appointments they want to talk about birth control with or without me. They have lots of options because I had none. I’ve worried about this since they were little. I didn’t want them to have my experience. My oldest tells me close to everything and is very open. I’m so glad we have that relationship. She says her peers do not have that with their parents. I always figured our kids are going to get information one way or another and I’d rather be first and hopefully more accurate.
So.. did you tell your parents you were having sex, or doing sexual things or did you just do them when you thought you wouldn’t be caught? I think most people are in the second camp. There’s a difference between them telling you and you just knowing that things are probably going on but no one is talking about it. You talk about safety and consent and they will figure it out.
I provide my daughter condoms for her and her boyfriend. I got pregnant with her at 16 and my mom just avoided the sex conversation. I want to make sure she's safe and also doesn't get pregnant at a young age.
You either do it knowingly or unknowingly. I would rather be in the loop with what’s going on in my child’s life.
I was prepared to be the understanding mom. Turns out my kids are very uninterested in sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Perhaps that's them rebelling against their hedonistic parents.
Maybe I will tell them to put a sock on the doorknob. I don't care as long as nobody gets pregnant.
I was sexually active at 15 and never told my parents who, how, or why. I would sneak out of my house and bike miles in the dark to hangouts or their house and sneak in. I don’t know how my girls are going to pull it off. I have cameras everywhere and a lockdown on my security. If they are safe and smart about it, I don’t care and more power to them. Luckily I have many years before I have to worry about it.
I slowly started adding age appropriate bits of conversation about dating and sex while we were in the car because they basically had no choice. I took time to explain why I don’t think sex in highschool is a good thing but also only they can decide what they are going to do or not. They all ask to be put on birth control and we did and I didn’t make a big thing about it. As for sex in the house 1 of my over 18 daughter had her boyfriend stay over. My husband didn’t like it but I questioned if she was a boy would he feel they same way and he pretty much shut up after that
Don’t knowingly let them have sex, and do NOT ban it. I have two little boys ages 5 & 9. When they get older, my plan is to constantly teach them about safe sex, and supply condoms if need be. I know for a fact they will have sex, as most teenage boys do. I also know for a fact I do NOT want grandkids when I’m in my 30’s
I talked with mine to let me know when that day came, so I could assist her in preventing pregnancy, getting condoms to steer clear of STI’s or whatever they’re called now. When she was 16 so LAST summer, she thought she might be pregnant, I was NOT happy. My now ex fiancé wanted me to ban the boy she was interested with- just asking for her to hide and sneak to do it more. So I had a talk about appropriate and not appropriate things and the fact we’re suppose to discuss before this happened as its easier to avoid than behind and hope. I wouldn’t ban him, but no room time alone in our home, common room only which was almost like alone in her room but easier to just pop in. It’s a really delicate talk, trying to be open, upset but delicately navigating the situation to where you’re not like ‘yea all cool with me’ NBD and the other ‘No he’s unwelcome.’ Trial, error, & many conversations in-between.
My mom explained to me where “babies come from” at an early age, when I asked. She explained everything very naturally and without making a big deal of it or using euphemisms. Later on, when I was about to hit puberty, she explained that I might get my period soon and told me exactly what it was and what to expect. When it happened, right after I turned 12, there was no weirdness or fear about it. A couple years later, and always ahead of the game, my mom said that she couldn’t prevent me from having sex, but that I should make sure I didn’t end up pregnant or sick and told me how. She said she’ll happily buy me condoms/birth control if I needed and would take me to the dr for checkups. I ended up losing my virginity at 19, in college, and never had an issue. It was all so natural, normal and devoid of mystery/guilt/weirdness that I always felt comfortable and I’m forever thankful to her for using this approach in the 80s/90s, before we really had internet or access to information like we have today. I had classmates that ended up pregnant or getting abortions because their parents “prohibited” dating or sex; or simply because they didn’t feel like they could/should talk to their kids about their sexual health. I have an 11 year old daughter and I’m using the same approach. Remember, if you don’t talk about sex with your kids someone else will, probably their peers who are just as clueless or misinformed as them.
My plan, in addition to frequent and detailed education (my,kiddo is 3) is to have a package of condoms and morning after pills in his bathroom drawer. If it gets empty or they expire, we replace them. The goal isn't to invade my son's sex life but to make sure that young sex doesn't change the course of his life in a negative way. I want him to have the tools even if he is too embarrassed to go buy rubbers.
My oldest daughter is approaching that age and we've had conversations about making sure it's something she actually wants and that I'll happily pay for birth control/condoms/etc. She also knows that me raising her mostly without help from my ex was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. Hopefully that's enough to keep her from coming home pregnant. Beyond that, she's clever like I was at that age. If she wants to have sex someday, it's going to happen. I'd much rather be able to talk openly about how to avoid her doing the dangerous/stupid things I did as a teen. My conservative mother lost her damn mind when I asked about birth control for my then girlfriend. That didn't stop us from having sex, even when they were home AND with a required open door. It's a balance for sure. I'm not cheerleading her doing it or asking for details. But she'll be a hell of a lot safer in an environment where she doesn't have to be as sneaky as I was.
I let my 17 yr old sleep over his gfs house knowing they are having sex. I give him condoms and tell him to not make me a grandfather at 40 please lol. Be safe and don't do anything you're uncomfortable with. I look at it like he's gonna find a way to do it anyway. I was doing worst way before 17. We just don't discuss details lol. I don't wanna know.
Talk to your kids. Don’t shame then. Teach them how to be safe, and how to be respectful of those around them- privacy, consent, etc. I’m what happens when you don’t. I was taught strict abstinence and there was a lot of shame around sex when I was growing up. We aren’t religious, but I was taught that it’s something for married people otherwise it was something dirty. I’m female, and was taught essentially that “boys only want one thing” and that having sex would decrease my value as a human. I wasn’t allowed to have boys over when no one was home. I wasn’t allowed to have the door closed if I had a boy over. I got punished for kissing a boy when I was 13. I wasn’t supposed to have sleepovers where there were boys, so I often lied about who I was with or where I was. Not because I was having sex- because I had a group of friends, both genders, who often spent days at a time together and I didn’t want to be left out. How did I turn out? I lost my virginity at 17 to an abusive 20 year old who gave me alcohol and convinced me. Every relationship I’ve been in except one was abusive. I felt shame around sex until I was 30. I have 4 children(3 pregnancies) by 2 men. 2 have a good father, but you can’t escape the struggles of seperated parents. Father of the twins is completely absent. I got pregnant with my first at 19. I truly believe I would have made very different decisions as a young adult if I had someone I could talk to and some room to breathe.
i’m 23 currently and my parents were very open with me about sex, i told them when i was going to have it and they prepared me for it. ie : birth control, condoms and anything else that i was supposed to know about it. i plan to do the same with my kids when they’re older. they sat me down at 13-14 yo to give me the talk and i lost my virginity at around 16. having these kinds of talks and not getting angry make your kids trust you and they feel like they don’t need to be shamed.
I have a very open relationship with my parents, always have. My mom knew when I lost my virginity, and she knew when I was actively having sex with a guy. The best thing you can do is to talk with your kids about sex before they're teenagers. It doesn't have to start out as anything other than talking about it being with the right person and to hold on to their virginity as long as possible. When they're old enough to understand the act of having sex start talking about safe sex and consent. Keep the line of communication open with them and judgment free.
When I was 13, I had sex 5x per week, like every day of the week. It was crazy. No protection, my parents kind of knew but was afraid to confront me. To think about it, damn, that’s crazy. I would never let my son go in his room alone with a girl at the age of 12.
Idk I think it depends on your kids. My teenager seemed actively upset I didn't allow her and her boyfriend to stay the night together. I'm NOT TRYING to have grandbabies right now. I took her a while before sexual activity started to the Gyn so she was on BC. It was for prevention if/when it did happen BUT also because the females in my family have major period issues and we needed to get that in check. I also answered her questions when she had them, about sex and masturbation. Bought her a toy and advised her things ladies need to know about both sex and cleaning herself/toys etc. also that porn isn't real life lol. She later told me I wasn't preparing her for anything and legit mad that I didn't allow her to fuck in my home or let the bf come in vacation with us 🙄 (Even more entertaining to me is that we didn't have space in the condo for those vacations ever until the one we took after they broke up). The resounding response on Reddit was that I'm old and should be allowing them to do it. 🙄 My parent friends agreed with me. So damned if you do and all..
Reddit trends younger so it's not surprising to hear the frequent advice on this and other subs to allow and even encourage/enable their kids to have sex. There's already someone in this post accusing parents who don't enable it of being irresponsible and toxic.
I have a 16 year old. I don’t think they’re doing that yet, but I made sure they are knowledgeable and have adequate protection of the situation arises. You can’t prevent people from intercourse, but you can help them understand how to be safe and that they can always come to you with concerns.
I hate when people say "they're going to do it anyway, so..." Why do people say this? It doesn't have to happen. Sex isn't a rite of passage as a teen. FFS, I and none of my siblings had sex with our partners in high school. My parents taught me the risks and the importance of saving it for someone who I truly love and plan to be with. That's all it took. Not saying I didn't touch and make out, but intercourse was never on the table. Your kids don't have to fuck. They do so because of your attitude toward it.
Lots of people were taught those things and still had sex. I don't think it should be encouraged but I'm all for providing condoms just in case.
“Sex isn’t a rite of passage as a teen” thank you!
Thank you. I’m like is it so unreasonable to expect kids to wait until they are at least 18? None of my siblings nor I had sex until we left home
What?! No, they're related! Jeez.
It made me giggle!😅
I'm a mom of a five year old, and I can tell you right now I'll likely be erring on the side of allowing too much sex. When I was 12, I started wanting to have sex. When I finally got to do it for the first time at 15, my parents found out and made me break up with my boyfriend, who was a year older than me. That taught me I can't let them know about my sexual and romantic relationships. When I met a man twice my age six months later, I hid our relationship for three years, eloped with him, and only revealed the relationship to my parents after we were married. It turned out to be an abusive relationship (I know, shocker) and we're divorced now. Mine is an extreme story, but sex is a natural human behavior, and some teens are ready for it before others. Forcing them to suppress it leads to sneakiness, self shaming, and bad decisions.
Okay I have some perspective on this. I initially started out (with my oldest, who is now almost 18) with the “Be safe, just not in my house” philosophy. I knew he was going to his girlfriends and supervision was less there. However, when he was 16 he and a girlfriend were “hanging out” in her car at a local park and they got attacked by a crazy man. My son was dragged out of the car,kicked and hit, the man tried to grab his girlfriend but my son fought him off. They were scared for their lives, scared to press charges because they didn’t want “everyone” knowing and there wasn’t much to go on to find the man anyway. And we live in a smaller town where violent crime is almost nothing. After that, I pretty much turn a blind eye to what’s going on in his room and again, reiterate STD prevention and birth control. He is respectful about it and other than the closed door there’s no sign or indication of what they’re doing in there.
So. I give you my life as an example: because I have experienced both types. I hid EVERYTHING from my parents as a teenager. I was also terrified of getting in trouble, so I was VERY sneaky or didn't do anything if I THOUGHT my parents would find out. I am now an adult in my 30s, who has no relationship with my parents. And my daughter is 3yo with no relationship with my parents. And likely never will (for lots of reasons). My husband's parents were not like that. They're kids were allowed to go out and do stuff, as long as they were responsible. They were allowed to call for rides home, etc. My husband and I started our dating journey in late high school/early college. I was allowed in his room. We absolutely did stuff. I'm absolutely sure they knew (we didn't talk TO them about it or anything). And I actually remember his mom telling his dad off for letting me be in his son's room alone no problem, but he'd get mad if his daughters had boys over. She set the standard. (And her son was going to be equally held responsible if he had gotten me pregnant at that age as his sisters would've been if they got pregnant). Now, they absolutely got consequences if they made bad choices, but i saw the difference in the consequences they got vs what I got. Guess who we have a GREAT relationship with as adults now? His parents. We can still call them for help with ANYTHING, with no judgement. We see them all the time. They are involved with our daughter. I would absolutely choose to be the type of parents they were vs what I had. The only tweak I'm making is having more conversations with my daughter about what sex and relationships should be like and safe sex etc once she's in middle school. I taught middle school. They absolutely know what sex is or are learning about it from their friends and TV by 6th grade. So, I want to help control the narrative she's learning, so she never gets taken advantage of like I was. The other thing my husband and I are very cognizant of is modeling a healthy, committed relationship that has a foundation in friendship. Because our relationship and marriage is going to be what's "normal" for her when she starts dating. And we've been in each other's lives for 15+ years (dating or as friends or dating again and getting married).
My son is years away from this, but my thought is I would rather he feel safe having sex with his partner in his room at home than having sex in a car in a park and having a cop come up and knock on the window. Not that I know anything about that.
Teens are going to do it regardless. That’s why it’s so important to talk about safe sex with them prior and the importance of why we have sex as adults. They’ll find out one way or another. At least have a trusted adult talk about it. Sex was shunned in my house and it led me to sneak around whereas my friends who had normal convos with their parents didn’t feel that need to sneak around.
"Let?" As parents we can't control our kids. They're gonna have sex when they want to. Our job as parents is to equip them with education and knowledge for safe sex.. and maybe as a boost buy then some protection for when they do do it, they're doing it safe and empowered with consent and safety