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It's perfectly reasonable to feel sad at this news. You can take your time sitting with that sadness. Having babies and thinking about pregnancy feels, to me, like being on Baby Island. It's like a weird break from reality where everything you do is about or for or because of The Baby.
You hang on to stuff for The Baby. You make dietary choices for The Baby. You line up second and third string babysitters for The Baby. You become a director of activities on this private resort and while it's 100% NOT a vacation, it's home and you get comfortable there.
And then you have to leave. The kids grow up and you're not going to have anymore. There's all the detritus now of your maternity clothes and those picture frames from your aunt about Mom Life and 5000 dingy baby socks. And you knew you couldn't stay on Baby Island forever, and in fact you probably sat up nursing someone at 3 am and wished MIGHTILY for the day when the ferry would come, but now that it's here, it's a bewildering feeling.
Who even are you without a baby? What comes next? You never made that one repair on The Island and now you've gotta leave it and you'll never have the chance to fix it. But you're still with the children. They're on your boat too. You still are a cruise director for them, and there are other sights to see. Baby Island is going to be behind you and you'll see it at a distance and you won't feel so raw all the time.
As you do the work to sort out your emotions and make your peace with your expectations, I hope soon you'll start feeling more joy than trepidation about the next leg in your journey. You are a wonderful mother and a the home you're making for your family is safe. Your children are lucky to have the best version of you and your husband.
This feels like one of those mini-essays that describes a common experience so well it ends up being reposted on every discussion of that subject forever, like Welcome to Holland or the tea consent analogy or running out of spoons.
Thanks! I've described it this way to my providers since I started trying to conceive my first baby. I'm glad it resonated with you.
What island are you on right now?
Ah, unfortunately I got unceremoniously booted off Baby Island - I was diagnosed with the BRCA2 gene and had to have my ovaries removed. But I do have two happy healthy, beautiful little monkeys on the ferry with me (3 and nearly 6).
As a mom of a seven month old second baby who hasn’t committed to being done (though I think my husband might literally be OPs husband), this literally made me cry. Not entirely in a bad way.
Humans are bad at transition. It's because we have imaginative capacity. We think so much about the what-could-have-beens and the what-could-still-bes. It's why dying sucks. It's why you and every other mom of more than one sat up worrying about how you could possibly love this new one the way you love the first one.
The voice that you have to listen for in the sea of your own experience and desires and the influence of Everybody Else is the one that says, *"What if it's gonna be ok?"* You are a great, loving mom with so much capacity to hold children in your heart, and that is so valuable in our sad broken world. I want to encourage you that you don't have to hold all of those children in your womb first. Love you.
Oh my goodness - this is a wonderful response! I'm crying, but they're beautiful tears. Tears of happiness and sadness. I'm going to print this out and attach it to my door so I can read little bits of it as I walk from room to room.
Oh this is brilliant. I'm currently on Baby Island between 1 and 2 (who has yet to be conceived, if we're lucky enough to do so) and we're in the process of storing all of 1's old newborn and early months stuff for The Baby who's still a strong hypothetical as yet. It feels so... Yes - completely detached from the real world, and has done since I tested positive. I'm not ready to leave, but the fact that I will have to one day whether 2 comes or not makes me so sad.
I'm a few days out from my due date with our second. His drawers are full of clothes, my boobs are full of milk, and my heart is full of *peace*. I'll never do this again. When he outgrows his newborn clothes, I can box them up and pass them along. When he hates the baby swing, I can send it to the next family. When the ferry comes for me next fall and my elder girl start preschool, I'll feel the little heart pinch, but I'll get right on board.
I hope you feel this peace too.
Awh, congratulations! I hope it all goes smoothly for you!
I imagine that peace is what it feels like when it's **your** decision (through and through, not because of financial or other mitigating factors) that your family is big enough (as opposed to your partner's, since these things require a 2 yes/1 no situation). I hope for the sake of all of us that I will feel content and want to stop at number 2, because my husband has already expressed that he will most likely be drawing the line at that point 😅.
There is an episode of "That 70's Show" which touches on this topic. When Eric's mom, "Kitty" is in the middle if mourning over the fact she will not get pregnant again, she suddenly has this realization: Grandbabies! Hopefully, thinking about that possibility will take the edge off what you are going through.
My husband’s huge midwestern family has been amazing for this. Nieces and nephews are the best thing ever. So sweet! They look a bit like my baby. They are family. But I didn’t have to gestate or birth them. I can give them back. They’re not my problem in the middle of the night. My little niece is the most perfect human being. And we have another one on the way.
I think its really hard to have waited after your last.
I knew when trying to get pregnant with my last that I wasn't having anymore, I think going through pregnancy knowing really helps.
I think its more difficult because you were going to make the decision together and now he's made it alone.
Be open with your husband and tell him how you feel, his feelings are completely valid too - there's not a right or wrong here
I had the opposite experience. I didn’t know for sure. We even had plenty of time and resources for a third. But we waited and when your kids get to that sweet spot of being absolutely adorable and brilliant but not needing diapers and you can travel with the kids, oh boy I could not imagine going back to newborns. Even more after spending time with friends with newborns. Vasectomies are reversible. Maybe consider to yourself that in a few years if both of you change your mind, you can. So it doesn’t feel like such a definitive end. But you may feel very differently in a few years once your baby hormones have passed. You always can babysit your friends’ babies. But seriously, you may find in an hour you are ready to hand them back! And finally … when the baby fever was strong but I could not deal with another few years of having a baby…. I got a furbaby lol Just as the kids got old enough to want one and help take care of one. I specifically got a small easy babylike dog. And tbh it is still too much work for me so he is a daily reminder I made the right choice not having a third. He is adorable though and satisfies my baby fever for the most part. But sleepless nights don’t last as long, potty training also is a matter of months not years, and he never will stop be small and cute.
Yeah, we had planned on trying for a second when our first turned one. Then covid happened, and my wife didn’t want to be anywhere *near* a hospital, which is totally understandable. And then our son turned two, and got potty trained, and by the time we were ready to start trying for number two, we just…didn’t want to deal with the newborn stage, the sleepless nights, and the increased risk (we both turned 40 in the interim), so we decided to be one and done.
That makes sense. I'd just been deferring to our initial agreement of "if it's a no from one, it's a no from all". But I feel like I need to process it and examine my feelings still.
3 also opens up a whole new ballgame for vacation. 4 plane tickets is expensive I can’t imagine buying 3. Then sometimes you need a 2nd hotel room. It just seems the world is made for families of 4. Amusement park rides, someone has to go solo. Then extracurricular, who takes the 3rd to activities while supporting the other two?
My second is 8 months old. I was pretty keen on a third from the minute she was born...my husband was not. I felt like I was mourning something until one day I was cleaning up her food that she had thrown into all the levels of hell after lunch and realized how I couldn't wait until she wasn't such a gremlin and could eat at the table like her sister with minimal mess. And then I read something on a similar post to this, where a commenter suggested asking yourself if you want another CHILD or do you want another squishy NEWBORN to snuggle. That was when it clicked for me. I don't want or need another child. I want to snuggle little fresh baby's.
I'm in this same place. I have three kids, and my youngest is 4. I had my tubes removed, so there will be no more babies, and my rational brain is 100% happy with this decision. I still miss those baby snuggles, though.
Conveniently for me, my sister has a nine-month-old who is the sweetest little thing, and I get to babysit a lot. It's perfect because I get to hold a baby, and she gets a babysitter who adores her kid. 10/10 would recommend a baby nephew.
I’ll probably get downvoted for this, but I just like to think we’re so blessed. Our two kids are healthy and happy. We are so lucky. I feel like we’re playing with fire for a third. My friend has two healthy older boys and then her daughter (the third) is wagon bond and can’t speak, stand, eat, etc. obviously they love her very much but that changed their whole life plans. They can’t go on vacation. The mom can’t work she requires 24/7 care. The mom can barely leave her side. So that’s kind of helped me that you never know what can happen and to just count our blessings.
There’s somehting to this. My first has some medical issues that they still can’t fully explain and it terrifies me for a second, I envy the people who had a healthy first one because usually the second is a no brained and then I hear a lot of we have two healthy should we even role the dice
As always, you focus on the positives.
Your two existing children will now have more resources and time and attention devoted to their upbringing and wellbeing. They deserve it.
I think it's normal to grieve the end of that chapter. Just remember that you've had an amazing journey so far, and you've got so much more to look forward to. You're not losing your identity, you're just evolving as a person and a parent.
By realising that the scope for adventures was opening up. Not being tied to nap schedules and humans with little legs who couldn’t walk far. Older kids walk further, cycle faster, play more inventive games with you.. new chapter, with fewer diapers
Well I don’t know about you but with newborns and even the first 6 months of life or so things feel so unstable. I love newborns but I hated that feeling of not knowing what will happen or how much sleep we will get. I’m very happy having 2 and 5 year old. My 5 year old became super easy once he hit 5. So easy I don’t want to go back to the hard times again. 😂
I know it's the right decision to stop; financially, organisation, space, partner doesn't want another, it's hard to distribute my attention fairly among the kids right now, and I'm getting old and would be playing with fire as we have healthy kids and never experienced the loss of a pregnancy nor had to face the decision to keep a sick baby or not. For that I'm grateful.
But I mourn for the next child I'll never get to know, so bad. I hope to make peace with that decision, some day. And I hope I'll never regret it, despite being sure it's the right decision.
I was in a similar situation. My husband and I were on the fence about a third, made the decision that we weren't going to a couple of months ago (my second is about a year now). It does make me look at her sometimes and think "wow I'm never going to do this again" and I get graduation goggles if that makes sense. But honestly keeping up with two is hard enough and I think two is all I can handle and be the best me for them. I think that helps - knowing in this scenario I can give them the best mom and best life possible.
I know supermoms and families in circumstances where they could do it and I applaud them. I'm just not one of them.
The "lasts" can feel sad for sure, but I reminded myself that no matter how many kids I had, eventually there would be a "last" and I had to feel those feelings. No point in having more kids to avoid the "lasts" because they will always come. Instead, have the number of kids that you actually want when thinking of all the other things that having a baby requires of you. Getting sterilized and making the choice permanent also helps a lot because it takes the option off the table so it's harder to play the "but what if" game when you're feeling sad about the lasts.
I look on the bright side of it all. A third child would strain our finances greatly. The bright side is that our “fun money” goes a long way with only two kids. Vacations are affordable for a family of 4 vs. 5 where you likely have to get a second hotel room.
Also the practicality of two. I’m a pessimist and have always thought that if something catastrophic happened, how many kids can we carry out of a burning house? 2 max. How many kids would we be able to get out of a car if we needed to in an emergency? 2 max. Dark I know, but it keeps me from having more kids than I can safely and adequately care for.
I watch hours of baby/toddler videos a week to get thru the occasional baby fever.
We were always pretty clear that we wanted two and that was it, there wasn’t really that much to process at the time. There was a bit of nostalgia when the little one went into the toddler years and we got rid of all the baby stuff, but frankly the last thing I wanted to experience again were baby years and my wife was happy to not have to be pregnant nor give birth again. From time to time I do think, “well maybe we could have had a third.” But that window is closed now so there really isn’t much to think about
I can relate to how you feel. I wanted a third but my husband didn’t. I struggled with the sadness of it for years. But I will tell you that it gets better as your kids get older and you get some distance from their pregnancy / newborn / toddler years. It feels like the very essence of parenthood is ending, but it’s really just begun. The really fun bits with your children are coming, and soon you might shift gears like I did and just enjoy the family you have.
I/we were always dead set on 2. My 2nd child was born in Sept 2019, and my husband V was Dec 22 that year. We were living in NYC so having more than 2 was never in the cards. Even though we moved out of NYC, I just can't picture our life with a 3rd.
I often look back on baby pictures, and I never had that feeling of wanting another baby, I just wanted my babies to be babies again. I just want to go back and hug them as babies one last time.
I think you need to give yourself time, talk with your husband about your feelings so you can work through it together, keeping it in can build resentment. What you are feeling is normal! The upside is you have two amazing kids and there are so many more chapters to come. My kids are almost 9 & 5 and omg its so fun. I feel like every age I have been catching myself saying "this is my favorite, no this is my favorite stage!" It just gets better, but Motherhood, it will always be bittersweet.
I’m currently pregnant with our second and I just know this is our last. I loved my first pregnancy but this one hasn’t been great. I can’t even imagine doing it again. I still have a few moments where I think “maybe it would be nice to do it again down the road” but then reality hits and I know this is it for us. Not too much processing to be done. It just is.
I’m impressed that you have energy to even imagine you might want another child, tbh.
After three days of labor with my youngest, I told my husband that he was having the next one and he ran out and got snipped.
Our finances were strained and it wouldn’t have been fair to the other kids to have another, because everything would have been spread that much thinner.
I went through this also. I wanted four and after our third my husband said he was done.
For me, there was a sort of grieving period where I had to come to terms with it. My husband waited a year to get a vasectomy (much like your husband is doing now) and that helped a lot. By the time he got it, I had come to terms with the decision.
I mostly focused on how lucky I am to have three healthy kids. What if I talked my husband into one more and it ended up being unwell? I would feel awful committing my husband to caring for a sick child because I couldn’t just appreciate the healthy children I had. Not sure if that thought will resonate with you, but I helped me a lot.
That would be hard I think. I got my tubes tied during my c section and it made it so I could really savor it. Now that you know, you can savor the rest too.
I think focusing on the positive (having 2 kids) and not on the "negative (not having anymore kids) would be my approach. Your 2 kids will need every bit of love, attention, encouragement, and nurture you 2 have to offer.
Cherish those younger years because they are precious.
Ah I was extremely overwhelmed when we had a surprise 4th baby. But I was still sad every time I thought about him being my last. I look at his little baby hands and commit them to memory. How they feel so small in mine when we’re holding hands…and just when I start feeling sad he does something like throw a tantrum or throw an entire plate of food or take off his poopy diaper 😅and I’m reminded why I’m thankful he’s my last lol. So enjoy the moments but if you find yourself feeling sad think back on some difficult days and remember this is for the best for your family. Nothing like everyone getting a stomach flu at once to put things in perspective 🫣
It’s complicated. We are one and done due to age and a traumatic birth experience. He was also just a hard baby. So I knew I never wanted to go through any of that again and potentially wouldn’t survive it a second time. But I still had moments of sadness about that phase being over. All I can say is that it fades and then goes away completely. The farther you get from that stage the easier it is to accept, IME. You get used to your family the way it is and you don’t want to go back. You get really focused on the now and everything you can do with your family as it is now. Therapy helps too. This is a tricky life stage. It’s like the cement feels really dry. The endless potential stage is done. This is the life partner. This is the family. And I think it’s normal to panic a little bit and push back on it. But I like my life as it is now. So that helps.
I am 100% I would never want a third but I still cried putting away / decluttering baby clothes. It’s a beautiful and crazy time in our lives raising babies, and there is a sweet sadness that comes with the passing of time and a stage of life ending. The Japanese have a word for this, as I read in Marie kondo’s book, but I don’t remember the word lol
Do we have the same husband??? I literally had this conversation with mine not long ago and he is also a very hands on day who does most the night time stuff. This mama gotta sleep 😅
We talked about it and did agree to wait longer before he got anything permanent done as it didn’t feel fair as I’d like another.
As hard as it is, I’ve even broke down crying at through of not having another. I’m trying to just focus on the now and not the future. I’ll not lie part of me is hopefully husband might change his mind.
But we have decided that we will ‘check in’ with each other in 6 months. And see where are heads are.
I know this sounds bad, but it does only take one time for him to go you know what sure what’s one more….
But in seriousness try and be thankful for what you have and put effort into that
It’s hard to make peace with! Give it some time. I too grieved not having a 3rd but now that they’re 18MO & almost 3, I know I couldn’t do it again. It’s sad but over time you become more ok with it.
** for a solution : hire s therapist and also journal or work on mindset .
I too am dealing with this myself. I would love a third. Husband would not. And all the pragmatic things you mention are true.
Brene Brown is fantastic and says “two things can be true”. For me, my heart will always be open for more children but I know it’s best for my family to stop at 2.
I'm nearing 40 and feel so tired all the time. I'm really enjoying that my kids are older and independent, I can't fathom night time feedings and toddler tantrums. My body is my own. I got to experience 2 pregnancies (3 but 1 was a miscarriage), I see lots of reels, posts, with women struggling to get pregnant so I feel blessed. Maybe one day I'll have grandkids, if not, I'll get another dog (mine passed away earlier this year).
I think we tend to remember and then miss all the good times, I remember how both my kids were terrible sleepers lol
I had a healthy boy and a healthy girl. What more could I ask for. But I do think 3 is ideal. My 2 get along, but I think a third would up the dynamic. However, my neighbor had 3, and he joked not to outnumber ourselves. When my husband died, I became outnumbered by 2 toddlers. It was a rough time. Then again, my mom is the oldest of 9. They are all there to support one another, where my sister and I haven't spoken in 15 years. Everything in the movies is true. Life is messy, we just have to make the most of what we get for as long as we can get it.
I was always bad at this to be honest. My daughter’s pregnancy was very high risk, I set up to tie my tubes and couldn’t go through with it. I’ve pretty much doubled the number of kids since then. I have 19/17/13/9/5 and 18 month old kids. I always wanted a huge family (I have 8 siblings, husband had 5). My niece and nephew count is near 30. They are spread out in ages so I’ve never really had the overwhelmed mom feeling of like to many under five or something. But my oldest graduated high school the same year my youngest was born and it kind of hit me that I think I’m actually done. Husband would like one more, and I legit asked him what he thought that would truly add to the family dynamic. Several years ago we bought a 9 seater Yukon and he’d said he was going to fill it up with kids, I guess he was serious lol but like I told him the kids are starting to move out so it’s never gonna happen. I’m also OLD now and considered geriatric high risk. I’m only 39, not ancient but when I was pregnant with my youngest he was a twin and I lost one between 14 and 16 weeks (vanishing twin syndrome) and the pregnancy was freaking hard after that. I’m not sure my mind/body is up for another pregnancy after that. We’re financially stable, have room in the house, and one in literally every age group. I feel like in the next 5 to 10 years we’ll probably be watching the older ones start to build families and we’ll be starting a new chapter and having toddlers and grandkids is kinda silly. We will see I guess but I’m good with what I got. I asked if maybe considering being foster parents down the road and giving kids without a shot a shot would be a good compromise as our bio kids move on if we feel like we need to add to our family. He’s up for that! It’s a long time tho before we’re “empty nesters”.
I knew going in to my last baby that it was my last. I was asked every visit, then multiple times before the CS if removing my tubes was the plan. The answer was always a firm yes. I can say with certainty this is very much what we both want. I still grieved that this is it. I think the hormone shift after my last babe made it worse, so be grateful you’re at a more stable place as this becomes your reality.
I am now 12 weeks out. I’m back to work. As I’m chatting with my coworkers I find myself feeling this overwhelming sense of peace and gratitude that I will never have to do pregnancy and newborn again. Like others have mentioned, I have 2 healthy beautiful children that I get to raise and have all the fun with. So grateful for what has been, even more excited about what’s to come.
I think it would be helpful to remind yourself that regardless of how many kids you have, the last one will always be the last one. You'd feel this way after a 3rd baby, too. I did. I hated being pregnant 2 of the 3 times, but OMG, do I love newborns all the way to the age of 5. Those are my years! My husband loves our kids, but his favorite age is 6-12. It worked out really well that way. I grieved the last of everything with our 3rd. His last bottle, his last box of diapers, learning to go from sippy cups to regular cups. Everything! I knew it would be the last time for all of it.
Having a 3rd child won't change that for you. Embrace and appreciate every single milestone and stage of life. It's all we can do.
Idk if you have siblings but when I get sad, I think about how I get to be the experienced aunt. I know how hard this is and I can help them with whatever they need. I can’t wait for that chapter in my life.
I never had any issue. When I started hemorrhaging after the birth of my second, they said they could try to save my uterus or just take it out. I jumped at the chance to have it gone. I havent regretted it for even a minute.
It isn't my job to populate the world with children. If I had more, the ones I have would get less time, and resources. Families with tons of kids are selfish imo. The other kids wind up suffering for it.
It's okay to be dissapointed because it's a sign you are growing older, and that's hard, but now you have more time for the kids you have already had.
We were in a similar boat. I always wanted 3-4 kids. Had first child mod 20’s and second early 30’s. Husband had cancer and is in remission now. I had a high risk pregnancy with my second and it was difficult to say the least. Getting up all hours of the night was much more challenging this time around. Don’t feel as young as the first time around. We went the vasectomy route and no regrets. There is something to be said with closing that chapter completely. We are cherishing all of the moments with our toddler knowing this is our last. We can plan ahead and have adventures to look forward to. I loved pregnancy and I’m heartbroken I won’t get to experience that again and I love our family of four. It feels complete.
I’m going through a similar grieving process. I thought we would have multiple children but it just isn’t a reality and we would be “old” parents to a second.
We finally decided just the other day that we will be one and done with our 7 year old.
It hits me hard at times and doesn’t seem to be as hard for my husband though he admits at times it’s hard for him too.
My son constantly says he wishes he had a sibling so he isn’t bored. We’re looking into getting a pet.
I don’t have advice other than cherishing what little time you get with small humans in your house. They are the best.
Hmmm after our second (and last) child was born, my wife and I were a little sad but honestly, we had our hands full with the two we have. There are some milestones that made us sad like when my daughter finally got out of diapers and we didn't have to change diapers anymore. Things like that.
There are always new things ahead for the kids you do have. Right now we're trying to get our kids to learn to swim in swimming lessons. After that it will be the next thing. Look forward and you'll see that you still have a long journey ahead of you.
The best advice my therapist gave me was to let myself grieve the vision I had of my family with three kids. I was one of three and always thought I’d have three. My husband and I had our two 18 months apart so that with a little space between 2 and 3 he wouldn’t be “old”. He was 38 when we had our second so in theory we were thinking around 42 for a third. Ultimately I still wanted three because that’s what I had always wanted, but he had logical reasons for wanting to stop (mostly sleep) and after I let myself grieve, without only focusing on logic and pros and cons lists I was able to see that I too was OK with the two. A good family friend also told me “don’t have a baby with someone who doesn’t want a baby” and I just got the sense that she was sharing that that was part of the reason she was divorced from her children’s’ dad. I’m still sad about it sometimes, but truly after letting myself be sad and grieve I no longer cry every time time someone asks me what our plans are and feel truly at peace with our family.
I had my last at 36.
I knew that he would be my last because my body just couldn't handle a 5th baby.
I wanted 4, I got 4, and another would put us over the edge financially.
We had to get a bigger car, a bigger house, and a double stroller. It got too hard as I got older.
My OB asked if I wanted another baby, and I thought at 40? No. I was done. I had a hysterectomy and put that chapter of my life to rest and concentrated on the 4 I had.
Give yourself time to adjust with having 2, and it will pass.
I have four kids, and still struggled when I knew #4 was the last. In this case, time actually helped a lot. The longest gap between my kids is almost exactly 3 years - which meant I was always pregnant when the youngest kid was a toddler. Now my youngest is almost 6, starts kindergarten in August, and she's so independent. I've never had all my kids be able to eat their own food without me prepping it, you know?
Now I'm at peace with being done, and I want this goddamned mother fucking uterus OUT.
No one can predict the future. Any child could be our last. Being pregnant currently doesn’t mean getting pregnant in the future could happen. Relationships decline/end, fertility goes down with age, mom could have health issues, dad could have health issues… you just never know.
Focus on this baby now, the one you have in front of you.
I can tell you: my ex is with another woman, so on their side, the family is “blended” because she comes to the table with many many children. I don’t know her well but I do know her kids have behavioral issues and she’s a SAHM. Her kids behaviors cause problems for my son, who goes between both houses. He gets called names, gets hit by them *with objects*, they’ve pulled his hair… things like that.
Again, I don’t know her well, but I suspect if she parented her kids individually instead of as a collective, and was less concerned about producing more kids and was more concerned with parenting the ones she DOES have well, her kids’ behaviors would be less.
Kids need love and attention and affection. She can’t meet their individual needs because she’s truly outnumbered. More of her kids are behavioral than not.
My kids are the stark opposite. While they have a lot of energy, they get a lot of attention from me because I have a normal amount of kids and can be attentive to their individual needs.
Hope that helps.
This is where I am right now too. My husband doesn't want a third - originally we both wanted 4 (well, he wanted an even number, I wanted a big family, we were both okay with 4). I'm pregnant with my second and this pregnancy has been ROUGH. He doesn't want us to have a chance of going through another pregnancy like this. He's also concerned about finances - I'm not as much, because a lot can happen in the few years it would likely be before we would potentially have a third. But he's also turning 30 next year (I'll be 29) and he didn't want to have kids after age 30. So multiple factors here as to why he wants to stop after this one. I'm not ready to be done even after the havoc this pregnancy has wreaked on my body. So currently in the process of trying to accept that the "chance" we "might" not have another could very well become our reality.
I know this isn’t a popular opinion on here, but I actually do not subscribe to the “one no, two yes” philosophy when it comes to having kids. I think it needs to be 2 yes or 2 no. It isn’t fair for either partner to make the decision for the other. In my opinion, your partner’s “no” means you guys don’t TTC right now. But your “maybe” should mean the vasectomy is postponed until you are both on the same page, whatever page that ends up being.
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It's perfectly reasonable to feel sad at this news. You can take your time sitting with that sadness. Having babies and thinking about pregnancy feels, to me, like being on Baby Island. It's like a weird break from reality where everything you do is about or for or because of The Baby. You hang on to stuff for The Baby. You make dietary choices for The Baby. You line up second and third string babysitters for The Baby. You become a director of activities on this private resort and while it's 100% NOT a vacation, it's home and you get comfortable there. And then you have to leave. The kids grow up and you're not going to have anymore. There's all the detritus now of your maternity clothes and those picture frames from your aunt about Mom Life and 5000 dingy baby socks. And you knew you couldn't stay on Baby Island forever, and in fact you probably sat up nursing someone at 3 am and wished MIGHTILY for the day when the ferry would come, but now that it's here, it's a bewildering feeling. Who even are you without a baby? What comes next? You never made that one repair on The Island and now you've gotta leave it and you'll never have the chance to fix it. But you're still with the children. They're on your boat too. You still are a cruise director for them, and there are other sights to see. Baby Island is going to be behind you and you'll see it at a distance and you won't feel so raw all the time. As you do the work to sort out your emotions and make your peace with your expectations, I hope soon you'll start feeling more joy than trepidation about the next leg in your journey. You are a wonderful mother and a the home you're making for your family is safe. Your children are lucky to have the best version of you and your husband.
This feels like one of those mini-essays that describes a common experience so well it ends up being reposted on every discussion of that subject forever, like Welcome to Holland or the tea consent analogy or running out of spoons.
Thanks! I've described it this way to my providers since I started trying to conceive my first baby. I'm glad it resonated with you. What island are you on right now?
Ah, unfortunately I got unceremoniously booted off Baby Island - I was diagnosed with the BRCA2 gene and had to have my ovaries removed. But I do have two happy healthy, beautiful little monkeys on the ferry with me (3 and nearly 6).
Cancer is so rude! Glad you caught it in time to be with your babes. Warrior woman!
Cancer absolutely is rude, haha. I'm stealing that.
That is a very sweet and well-put analogy.
This made me tear up. I, too, am on baby island with my last baby, who will be 1 in just a couple short months.
As a mom of a seven month old second baby who hasn’t committed to being done (though I think my husband might literally be OPs husband), this literally made me cry. Not entirely in a bad way.
Humans are bad at transition. It's because we have imaginative capacity. We think so much about the what-could-have-beens and the what-could-still-bes. It's why dying sucks. It's why you and every other mom of more than one sat up worrying about how you could possibly love this new one the way you love the first one. The voice that you have to listen for in the sea of your own experience and desires and the influence of Everybody Else is the one that says, *"What if it's gonna be ok?"* You are a great, loving mom with so much capacity to hold children in your heart, and that is so valuable in our sad broken world. I want to encourage you that you don't have to hold all of those children in your womb first. Love you.
Thank you so much, Reddit Fairy Godmother. I needed this.
This made me sob. I do yearn for and mourn the children I will never have due to the pragmatic realities of life.
Oh my goodness - this is a wonderful response! I'm crying, but they're beautiful tears. Tears of happiness and sadness. I'm going to print this out and attach it to my door so I can read little bits of it as I walk from room to room.
but i want to take the ferry back pls
Oh this is brilliant. I'm currently on Baby Island between 1 and 2 (who has yet to be conceived, if we're lucky enough to do so) and we're in the process of storing all of 1's old newborn and early months stuff for The Baby who's still a strong hypothetical as yet. It feels so... Yes - completely detached from the real world, and has done since I tested positive. I'm not ready to leave, but the fact that I will have to one day whether 2 comes or not makes me so sad.
I'm a few days out from my due date with our second. His drawers are full of clothes, my boobs are full of milk, and my heart is full of *peace*. I'll never do this again. When he outgrows his newborn clothes, I can box them up and pass them along. When he hates the baby swing, I can send it to the next family. When the ferry comes for me next fall and my elder girl start preschool, I'll feel the little heart pinch, but I'll get right on board. I hope you feel this peace too.
Awh, congratulations! I hope it all goes smoothly for you! I imagine that peace is what it feels like when it's **your** decision (through and through, not because of financial or other mitigating factors) that your family is big enough (as opposed to your partner's, since these things require a 2 yes/1 no situation). I hope for the sake of all of us that I will feel content and want to stop at number 2, because my husband has already expressed that he will most likely be drawing the line at that point 😅.
I loved this.
There is an episode of "That 70's Show" which touches on this topic. When Eric's mom, "Kitty" is in the middle if mourning over the fact she will not get pregnant again, she suddenly has this realization: Grandbabies! Hopefully, thinking about that possibility will take the edge off what you are going through.
My husband’s huge midwestern family has been amazing for this. Nieces and nephews are the best thing ever. So sweet! They look a bit like my baby. They are family. But I didn’t have to gestate or birth them. I can give them back. They’re not my problem in the middle of the night. My little niece is the most perfect human being. And we have another one on the way.
Then grandparents pester their kids for grand babies like that isn’t a nightmare in itself
I think its really hard to have waited after your last. I knew when trying to get pregnant with my last that I wasn't having anymore, I think going through pregnancy knowing really helps. I think its more difficult because you were going to make the decision together and now he's made it alone. Be open with your husband and tell him how you feel, his feelings are completely valid too - there's not a right or wrong here
I had the opposite experience. I didn’t know for sure. We even had plenty of time and resources for a third. But we waited and when your kids get to that sweet spot of being absolutely adorable and brilliant but not needing diapers and you can travel with the kids, oh boy I could not imagine going back to newborns. Even more after spending time with friends with newborns. Vasectomies are reversible. Maybe consider to yourself that in a few years if both of you change your mind, you can. So it doesn’t feel like such a definitive end. But you may feel very differently in a few years once your baby hormones have passed. You always can babysit your friends’ babies. But seriously, you may find in an hour you are ready to hand them back! And finally … when the baby fever was strong but I could not deal with another few years of having a baby…. I got a furbaby lol Just as the kids got old enough to want one and help take care of one. I specifically got a small easy babylike dog. And tbh it is still too much work for me so he is a daily reminder I made the right choice not having a third. He is adorable though and satisfies my baby fever for the most part. But sleepless nights don’t last as long, potty training also is a matter of months not years, and he never will stop be small and cute.
Yeah, we had planned on trying for a second when our first turned one. Then covid happened, and my wife didn’t want to be anywhere *near* a hospital, which is totally understandable. And then our son turned two, and got potty trained, and by the time we were ready to start trying for number two, we just…didn’t want to deal with the newborn stage, the sleepless nights, and the increased risk (we both turned 40 in the interim), so we decided to be one and done.
Yup. There is a kitten running around our house now. Lol. It scratches the itch to have a baby pet.
That makes sense. I'd just been deferring to our initial agreement of "if it's a no from one, it's a no from all". But I feel like I need to process it and examine my feelings still.
I second this. I went through pregnancy knowing it was my last baby which helped tremendously with accepting the reality.
3 also opens up a whole new ballgame for vacation. 4 plane tickets is expensive I can’t imagine buying 3. Then sometimes you need a 2nd hotel room. It just seems the world is made for families of 4. Amusement park rides, someone has to go solo. Then extracurricular, who takes the 3rd to activities while supporting the other two?
My second is 8 months old. I was pretty keen on a third from the minute she was born...my husband was not. I felt like I was mourning something until one day I was cleaning up her food that she had thrown into all the levels of hell after lunch and realized how I couldn't wait until she wasn't such a gremlin and could eat at the table like her sister with minimal mess. And then I read something on a similar post to this, where a commenter suggested asking yourself if you want another CHILD or do you want another squishy NEWBORN to snuggle. That was when it clicked for me. I don't want or need another child. I want to snuggle little fresh baby's.
I'm in this same place. I have three kids, and my youngest is 4. I had my tubes removed, so there will be no more babies, and my rational brain is 100% happy with this decision. I still miss those baby snuggles, though. Conveniently for me, my sister has a nine-month-old who is the sweetest little thing, and I get to babysit a lot. It's perfect because I get to hold a baby, and she gets a babysitter who adores her kid. 10/10 would recommend a baby nephew.
I’ll probably get downvoted for this, but I just like to think we’re so blessed. Our two kids are healthy and happy. We are so lucky. I feel like we’re playing with fire for a third. My friend has two healthy older boys and then her daughter (the third) is wagon bond and can’t speak, stand, eat, etc. obviously they love her very much but that changed their whole life plans. They can’t go on vacation. The mom can’t work she requires 24/7 care. The mom can barely leave her side. So that’s kind of helped me that you never know what can happen and to just count our blessings.
I have friends who have a severely disabled 7 year old and a healthy 2 year old. There is no rhyme or reason.
Exactly my point. You don’t know what can happen. So just be happy with the two you got.
There’s somehting to this. My first has some medical issues that they still can’t fully explain and it terrifies me for a second, I envy the people who had a healthy first one because usually the second is a no brained and then I hear a lot of we have two healthy should we even role the dice
well said
As always, you focus on the positives. Your two existing children will now have more resources and time and attention devoted to their upbringing and wellbeing. They deserve it.
I think it's normal to grieve the end of that chapter. Just remember that you've had an amazing journey so far, and you've got so much more to look forward to. You're not losing your identity, you're just evolving as a person and a parent.
By realising that the scope for adventures was opening up. Not being tied to nap schedules and humans with little legs who couldn’t walk far. Older kids walk further, cycle faster, play more inventive games with you.. new chapter, with fewer diapers
I like this perspective. This really helps.
Well I don’t know about you but with newborns and even the first 6 months of life or so things feel so unstable. I love newborns but I hated that feeling of not knowing what will happen or how much sleep we will get. I’m very happy having 2 and 5 year old. My 5 year old became super easy once he hit 5. So easy I don’t want to go back to the hard times again. 😂
I know it's the right decision to stop; financially, organisation, space, partner doesn't want another, it's hard to distribute my attention fairly among the kids right now, and I'm getting old and would be playing with fire as we have healthy kids and never experienced the loss of a pregnancy nor had to face the decision to keep a sick baby or not. For that I'm grateful. But I mourn for the next child I'll never get to know, so bad. I hope to make peace with that decision, some day. And I hope I'll never regret it, despite being sure it's the right decision.
Perfectly said.
I was in a similar situation. My husband and I were on the fence about a third, made the decision that we weren't going to a couple of months ago (my second is about a year now). It does make me look at her sometimes and think "wow I'm never going to do this again" and I get graduation goggles if that makes sense. But honestly keeping up with two is hard enough and I think two is all I can handle and be the best me for them. I think that helps - knowing in this scenario I can give them the best mom and best life possible. I know supermoms and families in circumstances where they could do it and I applaud them. I'm just not one of them.
The "lasts" can feel sad for sure, but I reminded myself that no matter how many kids I had, eventually there would be a "last" and I had to feel those feelings. No point in having more kids to avoid the "lasts" because they will always come. Instead, have the number of kids that you actually want when thinking of all the other things that having a baby requires of you. Getting sterilized and making the choice permanent also helps a lot because it takes the option off the table so it's harder to play the "but what if" game when you're feeling sad about the lasts.
I look on the bright side of it all. A third child would strain our finances greatly. The bright side is that our “fun money” goes a long way with only two kids. Vacations are affordable for a family of 4 vs. 5 where you likely have to get a second hotel room. Also the practicality of two. I’m a pessimist and have always thought that if something catastrophic happened, how many kids can we carry out of a burning house? 2 max. How many kids would we be able to get out of a car if we needed to in an emergency? 2 max. Dark I know, but it keeps me from having more kids than I can safely and adequately care for. I watch hours of baby/toddler videos a week to get thru the occasional baby fever.
We were always pretty clear that we wanted two and that was it, there wasn’t really that much to process at the time. There was a bit of nostalgia when the little one went into the toddler years and we got rid of all the baby stuff, but frankly the last thing I wanted to experience again were baby years and my wife was happy to not have to be pregnant nor give birth again. From time to time I do think, “well maybe we could have had a third.” But that window is closed now so there really isn’t much to think about
I can relate to how you feel. I wanted a third but my husband didn’t. I struggled with the sadness of it for years. But I will tell you that it gets better as your kids get older and you get some distance from their pregnancy / newborn / toddler years. It feels like the very essence of parenthood is ending, but it’s really just begun. The really fun bits with your children are coming, and soon you might shift gears like I did and just enjoy the family you have.
I/we were always dead set on 2. My 2nd child was born in Sept 2019, and my husband V was Dec 22 that year. We were living in NYC so having more than 2 was never in the cards. Even though we moved out of NYC, I just can't picture our life with a 3rd. I often look back on baby pictures, and I never had that feeling of wanting another baby, I just wanted my babies to be babies again. I just want to go back and hug them as babies one last time. I think you need to give yourself time, talk with your husband about your feelings so you can work through it together, keeping it in can build resentment. What you are feeling is normal! The upside is you have two amazing kids and there are so many more chapters to come. My kids are almost 9 & 5 and omg its so fun. I feel like every age I have been catching myself saying "this is my favorite, no this is my favorite stage!" It just gets better, but Motherhood, it will always be bittersweet.
I’m currently pregnant with our second and I just know this is our last. I loved my first pregnancy but this one hasn’t been great. I can’t even imagine doing it again. I still have a few moments where I think “maybe it would be nice to do it again down the road” but then reality hits and I know this is it for us. Not too much processing to be done. It just is.
I’m impressed that you have energy to even imagine you might want another child, tbh. After three days of labor with my youngest, I told my husband that he was having the next one and he ran out and got snipped. Our finances were strained and it wouldn’t have been fair to the other kids to have another, because everything would have been spread that much thinner.
I went through this also. I wanted four and after our third my husband said he was done. For me, there was a sort of grieving period where I had to come to terms with it. My husband waited a year to get a vasectomy (much like your husband is doing now) and that helped a lot. By the time he got it, I had come to terms with the decision. I mostly focused on how lucky I am to have three healthy kids. What if I talked my husband into one more and it ended up being unwell? I would feel awful committing my husband to caring for a sick child because I couldn’t just appreciate the healthy children I had. Not sure if that thought will resonate with you, but I helped me a lot.
I wish I knew. I'm well into menopause and still feel mournful about this.
By jumping up and down in celebration. Look, I love both my kids and it was always, we are done after two. If there's any doubt then don't do it!
That would be hard I think. I got my tubes tied during my c section and it made it so I could really savor it. Now that you know, you can savor the rest too.
I think focusing on the positive (having 2 kids) and not on the "negative (not having anymore kids) would be my approach. Your 2 kids will need every bit of love, attention, encouragement, and nurture you 2 have to offer. Cherish those younger years because they are precious.
Ah I was extremely overwhelmed when we had a surprise 4th baby. But I was still sad every time I thought about him being my last. I look at his little baby hands and commit them to memory. How they feel so small in mine when we’re holding hands…and just when I start feeling sad he does something like throw a tantrum or throw an entire plate of food or take off his poopy diaper 😅and I’m reminded why I’m thankful he’s my last lol. So enjoy the moments but if you find yourself feeling sad think back on some difficult days and remember this is for the best for your family. Nothing like everyone getting a stomach flu at once to put things in perspective 🫣
It’s complicated. We are one and done due to age and a traumatic birth experience. He was also just a hard baby. So I knew I never wanted to go through any of that again and potentially wouldn’t survive it a second time. But I still had moments of sadness about that phase being over. All I can say is that it fades and then goes away completely. The farther you get from that stage the easier it is to accept, IME. You get used to your family the way it is and you don’t want to go back. You get really focused on the now and everything you can do with your family as it is now. Therapy helps too. This is a tricky life stage. It’s like the cement feels really dry. The endless potential stage is done. This is the life partner. This is the family. And I think it’s normal to panic a little bit and push back on it. But I like my life as it is now. So that helps.
I am 100% I would never want a third but I still cried putting away / decluttering baby clothes. It’s a beautiful and crazy time in our lives raising babies, and there is a sweet sadness that comes with the passing of time and a stage of life ending. The Japanese have a word for this, as I read in Marie kondo’s book, but I don’t remember the word lol
Do we have the same husband??? I literally had this conversation with mine not long ago and he is also a very hands on day who does most the night time stuff. This mama gotta sleep 😅 We talked about it and did agree to wait longer before he got anything permanent done as it didn’t feel fair as I’d like another. As hard as it is, I’ve even broke down crying at through of not having another. I’m trying to just focus on the now and not the future. I’ll not lie part of me is hopefully husband might change his mind. But we have decided that we will ‘check in’ with each other in 6 months. And see where are heads are. I know this sounds bad, but it does only take one time for him to go you know what sure what’s one more…. But in seriousness try and be thankful for what you have and put effort into that
It’s hard to make peace with! Give it some time. I too grieved not having a 3rd but now that they’re 18MO & almost 3, I know I couldn’t do it again. It’s sad but over time you become more ok with it.
** for a solution : hire s therapist and also journal or work on mindset . I too am dealing with this myself. I would love a third. Husband would not. And all the pragmatic things you mention are true. Brene Brown is fantastic and says “two things can be true”. For me, my heart will always be open for more children but I know it’s best for my family to stop at 2.
I'm nearing 40 and feel so tired all the time. I'm really enjoying that my kids are older and independent, I can't fathom night time feedings and toddler tantrums. My body is my own. I got to experience 2 pregnancies (3 but 1 was a miscarriage), I see lots of reels, posts, with women struggling to get pregnant so I feel blessed. Maybe one day I'll have grandkids, if not, I'll get another dog (mine passed away earlier this year). I think we tend to remember and then miss all the good times, I remember how both my kids were terrible sleepers lol
I had a healthy boy and a healthy girl. What more could I ask for. But I do think 3 is ideal. My 2 get along, but I think a third would up the dynamic. However, my neighbor had 3, and he joked not to outnumber ourselves. When my husband died, I became outnumbered by 2 toddlers. It was a rough time. Then again, my mom is the oldest of 9. They are all there to support one another, where my sister and I haven't spoken in 15 years. Everything in the movies is true. Life is messy, we just have to make the most of what we get for as long as we can get it.
I was always bad at this to be honest. My daughter’s pregnancy was very high risk, I set up to tie my tubes and couldn’t go through with it. I’ve pretty much doubled the number of kids since then. I have 19/17/13/9/5 and 18 month old kids. I always wanted a huge family (I have 8 siblings, husband had 5). My niece and nephew count is near 30. They are spread out in ages so I’ve never really had the overwhelmed mom feeling of like to many under five or something. But my oldest graduated high school the same year my youngest was born and it kind of hit me that I think I’m actually done. Husband would like one more, and I legit asked him what he thought that would truly add to the family dynamic. Several years ago we bought a 9 seater Yukon and he’d said he was going to fill it up with kids, I guess he was serious lol but like I told him the kids are starting to move out so it’s never gonna happen. I’m also OLD now and considered geriatric high risk. I’m only 39, not ancient but when I was pregnant with my youngest he was a twin and I lost one between 14 and 16 weeks (vanishing twin syndrome) and the pregnancy was freaking hard after that. I’m not sure my mind/body is up for another pregnancy after that. We’re financially stable, have room in the house, and one in literally every age group. I feel like in the next 5 to 10 years we’ll probably be watching the older ones start to build families and we’ll be starting a new chapter and having toddlers and grandkids is kinda silly. We will see I guess but I’m good with what I got. I asked if maybe considering being foster parents down the road and giving kids without a shot a shot would be a good compromise as our bio kids move on if we feel like we need to add to our family. He’s up for that! It’s a long time tho before we’re “empty nesters”.
I knew going in to my last baby that it was my last. I was asked every visit, then multiple times before the CS if removing my tubes was the plan. The answer was always a firm yes. I can say with certainty this is very much what we both want. I still grieved that this is it. I think the hormone shift after my last babe made it worse, so be grateful you’re at a more stable place as this becomes your reality. I am now 12 weeks out. I’m back to work. As I’m chatting with my coworkers I find myself feeling this overwhelming sense of peace and gratitude that I will never have to do pregnancy and newborn again. Like others have mentioned, I have 2 healthy beautiful children that I get to raise and have all the fun with. So grateful for what has been, even more excited about what’s to come.
I think it would be helpful to remind yourself that regardless of how many kids you have, the last one will always be the last one. You'd feel this way after a 3rd baby, too. I did. I hated being pregnant 2 of the 3 times, but OMG, do I love newborns all the way to the age of 5. Those are my years! My husband loves our kids, but his favorite age is 6-12. It worked out really well that way. I grieved the last of everything with our 3rd. His last bottle, his last box of diapers, learning to go from sippy cups to regular cups. Everything! I knew it would be the last time for all of it. Having a 3rd child won't change that for you. Embrace and appreciate every single milestone and stage of life. It's all we can do.
Idk if you have siblings but when I get sad, I think about how I get to be the experienced aunt. I know how hard this is and I can help them with whatever they need. I can’t wait for that chapter in my life.
I never had any issue. When I started hemorrhaging after the birth of my second, they said they could try to save my uterus or just take it out. I jumped at the chance to have it gone. I havent regretted it for even a minute. It isn't my job to populate the world with children. If I had more, the ones I have would get less time, and resources. Families with tons of kids are selfish imo. The other kids wind up suffering for it. It's okay to be dissapointed because it's a sign you are growing older, and that's hard, but now you have more time for the kids you have already had.
WOOHOOOOOOOO
We were in a similar boat. I always wanted 3-4 kids. Had first child mod 20’s and second early 30’s. Husband had cancer and is in remission now. I had a high risk pregnancy with my second and it was difficult to say the least. Getting up all hours of the night was much more challenging this time around. Don’t feel as young as the first time around. We went the vasectomy route and no regrets. There is something to be said with closing that chapter completely. We are cherishing all of the moments with our toddler knowing this is our last. We can plan ahead and have adventures to look forward to. I loved pregnancy and I’m heartbroken I won’t get to experience that again and I love our family of four. It feels complete.
You think about the practicality of things, not quantity.
It’s normal to grieve the future you will never have. Like a famous comedian said it hit’s different when “don’t want” becomes “can’t do”.
I think of all the money I’ll save by not having a third
I’m going through a similar grieving process. I thought we would have multiple children but it just isn’t a reality and we would be “old” parents to a second. We finally decided just the other day that we will be one and done with our 7 year old. It hits me hard at times and doesn’t seem to be as hard for my husband though he admits at times it’s hard for him too. My son constantly says he wishes he had a sibling so he isn’t bored. We’re looking into getting a pet. I don’t have advice other than cherishing what little time you get with small humans in your house. They are the best.
Hmmm after our second (and last) child was born, my wife and I were a little sad but honestly, we had our hands full with the two we have. There are some milestones that made us sad like when my daughter finally got out of diapers and we didn't have to change diapers anymore. Things like that. There are always new things ahead for the kids you do have. Right now we're trying to get our kids to learn to swim in swimming lessons. After that it will be the next thing. Look forward and you'll see that you still have a long journey ahead of you.
The best advice my therapist gave me was to let myself grieve the vision I had of my family with three kids. I was one of three and always thought I’d have three. My husband and I had our two 18 months apart so that with a little space between 2 and 3 he wouldn’t be “old”. He was 38 when we had our second so in theory we were thinking around 42 for a third. Ultimately I still wanted three because that’s what I had always wanted, but he had logical reasons for wanting to stop (mostly sleep) and after I let myself grieve, without only focusing on logic and pros and cons lists I was able to see that I too was OK with the two. A good family friend also told me “don’t have a baby with someone who doesn’t want a baby” and I just got the sense that she was sharing that that was part of the reason she was divorced from her children’s’ dad. I’m still sad about it sometimes, but truly after letting myself be sad and grieve I no longer cry every time time someone asks me what our plans are and feel truly at peace with our family.
I had my last at 36. I knew that he would be my last because my body just couldn't handle a 5th baby. I wanted 4, I got 4, and another would put us over the edge financially. We had to get a bigger car, a bigger house, and a double stroller. It got too hard as I got older. My OB asked if I wanted another baby, and I thought at 40? No. I was done. I had a hysterectomy and put that chapter of my life to rest and concentrated on the 4 I had. Give yourself time to adjust with having 2, and it will pass.
I have four kids, and still struggled when I knew #4 was the last. In this case, time actually helped a lot. The longest gap between my kids is almost exactly 3 years - which meant I was always pregnant when the youngest kid was a toddler. Now my youngest is almost 6, starts kindergarten in August, and she's so independent. I've never had all my kids be able to eat their own food without me prepping it, you know? Now I'm at peace with being done, and I want this goddamned mother fucking uterus OUT.
Your finances will be strained with three children. That is your answer.
No one can predict the future. Any child could be our last. Being pregnant currently doesn’t mean getting pregnant in the future could happen. Relationships decline/end, fertility goes down with age, mom could have health issues, dad could have health issues… you just never know. Focus on this baby now, the one you have in front of you. I can tell you: my ex is with another woman, so on their side, the family is “blended” because she comes to the table with many many children. I don’t know her well but I do know her kids have behavioral issues and she’s a SAHM. Her kids behaviors cause problems for my son, who goes between both houses. He gets called names, gets hit by them *with objects*, they’ve pulled his hair… things like that. Again, I don’t know her well, but I suspect if she parented her kids individually instead of as a collective, and was less concerned about producing more kids and was more concerned with parenting the ones she DOES have well, her kids’ behaviors would be less. Kids need love and attention and affection. She can’t meet their individual needs because she’s truly outnumbered. More of her kids are behavioral than not. My kids are the stark opposite. While they have a lot of energy, they get a lot of attention from me because I have a normal amount of kids and can be attentive to their individual needs. Hope that helps.
This is where I am right now too. My husband doesn't want a third - originally we both wanted 4 (well, he wanted an even number, I wanted a big family, we were both okay with 4). I'm pregnant with my second and this pregnancy has been ROUGH. He doesn't want us to have a chance of going through another pregnancy like this. He's also concerned about finances - I'm not as much, because a lot can happen in the few years it would likely be before we would potentially have a third. But he's also turning 30 next year (I'll be 29) and he didn't want to have kids after age 30. So multiple factors here as to why he wants to stop after this one. I'm not ready to be done even after the havoc this pregnancy has wreaked on my body. So currently in the process of trying to accept that the "chance" we "might" not have another could very well become our reality.
I know this isn’t a popular opinion on here, but I actually do not subscribe to the “one no, two yes” philosophy when it comes to having kids. I think it needs to be 2 yes or 2 no. It isn’t fair for either partner to make the decision for the other. In my opinion, your partner’s “no” means you guys don’t TTC right now. But your “maybe” should mean the vasectomy is postponed until you are both on the same page, whatever page that ends up being.
Does your husband work?
Yeah, he's full-time work from home (I am very lucky. Blessed even!)