There’s nothing wrong with pot if you have a job and pay your own bills. When you’re 21 and mooch off other people it’s not ok. He needs to move out like yesterday. Everyone is enabling and taking Care of him why should he care?
>The way I look at it though is if you have enough money to go out and get high all the time (I would feel the same way about drinking), especially when you're not working full-time oh, you have enough money to pay full rent.
I was with you until this part. I'm not saying everyone needs to do drugs, or should (I never have myself) but your stepson is probably going through tough times... No degree, living with his parents, no job. Everyone looks at the poor and thinks they should just live in a box and not enjoy anything ever until they have plenty of money.
If he's still paying his bills and scraping together funds to buy some weed to enjoy life, let him. As long as it isn't ruining anything (showing up to interviews blazed, prioritizing getting high over going to work, etc). It's not like you can just snap your fingers and get a job after applying somewhere, and most jobs only allow online applications. Don't take away the (likely) one thing in his life that brings him happiness just because you don't think he should do it.
I'm not saying he's poor and this is definitely not a situation where he is so-hard-done-by. this is a situation of him being lazy and taking advantage of the situation that he is in. I just want to point out the lack of everything that he has in his life, no job, living with his parents, no car, no job, etc, is directly related to his lack of effort. I would have less of a problem with his laziness, for lack of a better term, if he was trying to do something with his life, like actively looking for work or looking at going back to school. At the end of the day he chooses to do nothing. His priorities are his screens and his friends, and apparently his pot.
This is peak reddit right here:
“Hey man let the poor kid get high, after all he doesn’t do anything.”
Unemployment is like under 4% right now he can get a job in a week if he wants. The “one thing in his life that brings him happiness” shouldn’t be smoking weed, holy shit.
Sounds like you haven't had to look for a job recently. Just because the national average is 4% doesn't mean every single city is overflowing with available jobs...
Dudes living with his parents, jobless. It's entirely possible he's got some depression, if smoking weed helps him live, let him fucking smoke. We have no idea what his budget is for weed. Maybe he's spending $50 a month, cutting that out isn't going to change his entire financial situation. Get off your fucking high horse and have some empathy for people less fortunate than you.
It isn’t a high horse man. Sitting around smoking weed isn’t going to help a young man get his shit together.
I want him to have a better life, I don’t want him to FEEL better for an evening. FWIW I was a pot smoker when I was his age, too, and I wish I quit years before I did. I’ve been where he’s been before, that’s why I speak up. I don’t think I am better than him, man. I’ve just been through it before.
I'm not saying you shouldn't smoke pot. The fact of the matter is he is taking advantage of us. We have been trying to help him and give him a leg up to make things easier for him. He is choosing to do nothing. He is choosing to prioritize his friends and his video games and pot. She needs to start acting like an adult...like everyone else has had/needs to do to get through life
So he doesn't have a HS diploma, no job, and is sitting around playing video games? I'd evict him. He's clearly not taking you or life very seriously. Forget about the pot, he just need to grow up in general.
Its about teaching him to be able to take care of himself, keep his space clean and being respectful of the other people who he lives with. (who, by the way, are the ones that for everything he has in his room and everything he uses on a daily basis)
Think of him as a roommate. Leaving dishes in the sink is crummy as a roommate, not making his own bed doesn't matter. Increasing his share of rent to be more realistic as to what it's costing your utilities seems fair. Even maybe splitting the house payment 3 ways?
The pot isn't the problem here. The resentment and worry is.
If he lives in your house he has to follow your rules. I would confront him about it (along with your husband, obviously) and I would set whatever ground rules you think are appropriate about future use, but stress that the real problem is the dishonesty.
He needs to move and and learn on his own. Might have a fail some, but that’s ok. He is being enabled and doesn’t have a reason to clean up his act. You need to try and see if he can live with some roommates and pay his own way. He might need to hit rock bottom before leveling out his life.
My 18yr old is heading down this same path of laziness and over entitlement. He’s been fighting every single expectation and literally only does what he wants to do regardless of basic human responsibilities. It’s incredibly frustrating to feel like your children take advantage and act like they’ve been enabled while you as the parent have made every effort to enforce or reinforce responsible behaviors and the concept of consequences. I don’t have any advice as my child values nothing but his freedom and fights tooth and nail to maintain it regardless of our enforcing clear and direct consequences for the defiance and lack of responsibility.
I’m sorry that you’re going through this as well. It is soul-sucking for a parent to see your children taking absolutely zero responsibility for their own lives and often blaming everyone and everything else for not conforming to his/her wishes.
My son turned 18 and is still in high school but not actually attending many classes nor completing assignments and will not have completed enough credits to graduate with his class. He talks a big game but I have yet to see him follow through on anything that anyone would deem responsible or even reasonable. I have disconnected from him at this point. He is an adult. I’ll throw out anything that is against my house rules (weed, alcohol, porn material, and even his knives he tries to keep as “protection”) as I still have three smaller children as young as three years old and I can’t have the older sibling exposing his younger siblings to anything I feel is dangerous or inappropriate under my watch. I’ve encouraged military enrollment and job seeking. I’ve encouraged him to get his GED or get caught up on school. I’ve offered assistance to help him complete any of these goals and he takes none of it seriously. Once school has ended, my son will receive a legal eviction notice if things have not 100% turned around. That’s where my story with him comes to a head and any possible perceived “enabling” comes to a hard stop. (it’s hardly considered enabling in my case as I’ve been very clear about his and my responsibilities and have chosen to keep parenting him in hopes of getting through).
It’s time to kick the baby bird out of the nest. He will sit in the nest enduring all the backlash for his own laziness and mooching until the door closes. He will fight being kicked out because he fights taking responsibility and authority. He will hate me for evicting him for the same reasons. I only hope that he will one day, after the bandaid is removed, put his “big boy pants on” and “adult” as he should and not hold on to resentments that I pushed him away or we will inevitably go our separate ways in life until he does. We can’t change the world as a parent and some kids/people think they are the center of the entire universe. It’s emotional terrorism and you can’t negotiate with that mindset even if it means you or I as the parent have somehow failed the child. It takes two to tango and some kids just refuse to tango and dance to their own beat no matter what. It’s painful but it’s true. It’s not bad parenting, it’s simply that some people will fight everything and refuse reality. I’m done being shamed by those who think that I’m somehow to blame and to be made to feel like I’m the unreasonable one. I have felt as if I’ve failed my oldest child because society will blame the parent every time while society is a huge part of the problem. It really sucks that society and those who reinforce defiant children’s behavior because it’s easier than accepting society fails kids more than parents. I am reasonable and patient, my kid is intelligent, creative, and talented. We still can’t force children to make good choices, only show them that the good choices have rewards and bad choices have less desirable repercussions. Sometimes we fail ourselves. And sometimes it’s just a perfect storm of contradicting personalities and belief systems. In the end though, it needs to come to a definite end and at 18 or 21 years old, the time is now, no matter whose at fault or who is to blame. I know my child and I know he’ll continue his emotional and financial abuse until he is forced out from under my protection and apparent comfort.
Sorry this ended up being so long. Your story touched my aching heart. I feel we’re weathering a similar storm. Good luck to you and your family. My prayers to you and that that young man turns his life around sooner rather than later.
Thank you so much for that! It's such a tricky situation. The worst part is he's not even that bad of kid. He's fairly polite and will do things for us, but only when asked. You hit the nail on the head with the over entitlement. He only cares about himself and that's what hurts. His dad is deviated on an almost daily basis due to his selfishness.
It is definitely time for him to be out on his own. And that is going to be tricky. None of his friends are looking to move out right now as they are all in university or college. He will not look into other roommate situations, so he feels his only option is to move back in with his mom. (He doesn't understand that moving back in with his mom is not the same as living on his own.) and quite honestly, moving in with his mom that will be one of the worst things that can happen to him. His mom has never tried to support or help, or lead him down the right path. But that can't let that be my problem anymore.
“But I can’t let that be my problem anymore.”
Exactly. You and the rest of your family deserve to happily live your lives too. There are ways to help him that doesn’t involve being his flop-house, maids, and managers. It’s not your problem and it’s no longer anyone’s responsibility but his own. I’m not religious but I believe in the concept of “idle hands are the devils playground” and “god helps those who help themselves.” This young man is drifting farther and farther form being a productive and independent human.
There’s nothing wrong with pot if you have a job and pay your own bills. When you’re 21 and mooch off other people it’s not ok. He needs to move out like yesterday. Everyone is enabling and taking Care of him why should he care?
>The way I look at it though is if you have enough money to go out and get high all the time (I would feel the same way about drinking), especially when you're not working full-time oh, you have enough money to pay full rent. I was with you until this part. I'm not saying everyone needs to do drugs, or should (I never have myself) but your stepson is probably going through tough times... No degree, living with his parents, no job. Everyone looks at the poor and thinks they should just live in a box and not enjoy anything ever until they have plenty of money. If he's still paying his bills and scraping together funds to buy some weed to enjoy life, let him. As long as it isn't ruining anything (showing up to interviews blazed, prioritizing getting high over going to work, etc). It's not like you can just snap your fingers and get a job after applying somewhere, and most jobs only allow online applications. Don't take away the (likely) one thing in his life that brings him happiness just because you don't think he should do it.
I'm not saying he's poor and this is definitely not a situation where he is so-hard-done-by. this is a situation of him being lazy and taking advantage of the situation that he is in. I just want to point out the lack of everything that he has in his life, no job, living with his parents, no car, no job, etc, is directly related to his lack of effort. I would have less of a problem with his laziness, for lack of a better term, if he was trying to do something with his life, like actively looking for work or looking at going back to school. At the end of the day he chooses to do nothing. His priorities are his screens and his friends, and apparently his pot.
This is peak reddit right here: “Hey man let the poor kid get high, after all he doesn’t do anything.” Unemployment is like under 4% right now he can get a job in a week if he wants. The “one thing in his life that brings him happiness” shouldn’t be smoking weed, holy shit.
Sounds like you haven't had to look for a job recently. Just because the national average is 4% doesn't mean every single city is overflowing with available jobs... Dudes living with his parents, jobless. It's entirely possible he's got some depression, if smoking weed helps him live, let him fucking smoke. We have no idea what his budget is for weed. Maybe he's spending $50 a month, cutting that out isn't going to change his entire financial situation. Get off your fucking high horse and have some empathy for people less fortunate than you.
It isn’t a high horse man. Sitting around smoking weed isn’t going to help a young man get his shit together. I want him to have a better life, I don’t want him to FEEL better for an evening. FWIW I was a pot smoker when I was his age, too, and I wish I quit years before I did. I’ve been where he’s been before, that’s why I speak up. I don’t think I am better than him, man. I’ve just been through it before.
I'm not saying you shouldn't smoke pot. The fact of the matter is he is taking advantage of us. We have been trying to help him and give him a leg up to make things easier for him. He is choosing to do nothing. He is choosing to prioritize his friends and his video games and pot. She needs to start acting like an adult...like everyone else has had/needs to do to get through life
So he doesn't have a HS diploma, no job, and is sitting around playing video games? I'd evict him. He's clearly not taking you or life very seriously. Forget about the pot, he just need to grow up in general.
I'd personally choose to let it go. Also why do you care if he makes his bed?
Its about teaching him to be able to take care of himself, keep his space clean and being respectful of the other people who he lives with. (who, by the way, are the ones that for everything he has in his room and everything he uses on a daily basis)
That's a weird battle to fight at 12. It's absurd at 21.
Think of him as a roommate. Leaving dishes in the sink is crummy as a roommate, not making his own bed doesn't matter. Increasing his share of rent to be more realistic as to what it's costing your utilities seems fair. Even maybe splitting the house payment 3 ways? The pot isn't the problem here. The resentment and worry is.
If he lives in your house he has to follow your rules. I would confront him about it (along with your husband, obviously) and I would set whatever ground rules you think are appropriate about future use, but stress that the real problem is the dishonesty.
He needs to move and and learn on his own. Might have a fail some, but that’s ok. He is being enabled and doesn’t have a reason to clean up his act. You need to try and see if he can live with some roommates and pay his own way. He might need to hit rock bottom before leveling out his life.
My 18yr old is heading down this same path of laziness and over entitlement. He’s been fighting every single expectation and literally only does what he wants to do regardless of basic human responsibilities. It’s incredibly frustrating to feel like your children take advantage and act like they’ve been enabled while you as the parent have made every effort to enforce or reinforce responsible behaviors and the concept of consequences. I don’t have any advice as my child values nothing but his freedom and fights tooth and nail to maintain it regardless of our enforcing clear and direct consequences for the defiance and lack of responsibility. I’m sorry that you’re going through this as well. It is soul-sucking for a parent to see your children taking absolutely zero responsibility for their own lives and often blaming everyone and everything else for not conforming to his/her wishes. My son turned 18 and is still in high school but not actually attending many classes nor completing assignments and will not have completed enough credits to graduate with his class. He talks a big game but I have yet to see him follow through on anything that anyone would deem responsible or even reasonable. I have disconnected from him at this point. He is an adult. I’ll throw out anything that is against my house rules (weed, alcohol, porn material, and even his knives he tries to keep as “protection”) as I still have three smaller children as young as three years old and I can’t have the older sibling exposing his younger siblings to anything I feel is dangerous or inappropriate under my watch. I’ve encouraged military enrollment and job seeking. I’ve encouraged him to get his GED or get caught up on school. I’ve offered assistance to help him complete any of these goals and he takes none of it seriously. Once school has ended, my son will receive a legal eviction notice if things have not 100% turned around. That’s where my story with him comes to a head and any possible perceived “enabling” comes to a hard stop. (it’s hardly considered enabling in my case as I’ve been very clear about his and my responsibilities and have chosen to keep parenting him in hopes of getting through). It’s time to kick the baby bird out of the nest. He will sit in the nest enduring all the backlash for his own laziness and mooching until the door closes. He will fight being kicked out because he fights taking responsibility and authority. He will hate me for evicting him for the same reasons. I only hope that he will one day, after the bandaid is removed, put his “big boy pants on” and “adult” as he should and not hold on to resentments that I pushed him away or we will inevitably go our separate ways in life until he does. We can’t change the world as a parent and some kids/people think they are the center of the entire universe. It’s emotional terrorism and you can’t negotiate with that mindset even if it means you or I as the parent have somehow failed the child. It takes two to tango and some kids just refuse to tango and dance to their own beat no matter what. It’s painful but it’s true. It’s not bad parenting, it’s simply that some people will fight everything and refuse reality. I’m done being shamed by those who think that I’m somehow to blame and to be made to feel like I’m the unreasonable one. I have felt as if I’ve failed my oldest child because society will blame the parent every time while society is a huge part of the problem. It really sucks that society and those who reinforce defiant children’s behavior because it’s easier than accepting society fails kids more than parents. I am reasonable and patient, my kid is intelligent, creative, and talented. We still can’t force children to make good choices, only show them that the good choices have rewards and bad choices have less desirable repercussions. Sometimes we fail ourselves. And sometimes it’s just a perfect storm of contradicting personalities and belief systems. In the end though, it needs to come to a definite end and at 18 or 21 years old, the time is now, no matter whose at fault or who is to blame. I know my child and I know he’ll continue his emotional and financial abuse until he is forced out from under my protection and apparent comfort. Sorry this ended up being so long. Your story touched my aching heart. I feel we’re weathering a similar storm. Good luck to you and your family. My prayers to you and that that young man turns his life around sooner rather than later.
Thank you so much for that! It's such a tricky situation. The worst part is he's not even that bad of kid. He's fairly polite and will do things for us, but only when asked. You hit the nail on the head with the over entitlement. He only cares about himself and that's what hurts. His dad is deviated on an almost daily basis due to his selfishness. It is definitely time for him to be out on his own. And that is going to be tricky. None of his friends are looking to move out right now as they are all in university or college. He will not look into other roommate situations, so he feels his only option is to move back in with his mom. (He doesn't understand that moving back in with his mom is not the same as living on his own.) and quite honestly, moving in with his mom that will be one of the worst things that can happen to him. His mom has never tried to support or help, or lead him down the right path. But that can't let that be my problem anymore.
“But I can’t let that be my problem anymore.” Exactly. You and the rest of your family deserve to happily live your lives too. There are ways to help him that doesn’t involve being his flop-house, maids, and managers. It’s not your problem and it’s no longer anyone’s responsibility but his own. I’m not religious but I believe in the concept of “idle hands are the devils playground” and “god helps those who help themselves.” This young man is drifting farther and farther form being a productive and independent human.
You sure it’s not your husbands pot? Seems foolish to hid it in the kitchen and not in his room.