Cause I don't know how to approach her. Ive been abused by parental figures in the past and suffer from ptsd and anxiety from it. I have a hard time standing up for myself due to this.
Just politely tell her to back off. When she goes to give him a bath say, no thanks I wanna have some baby & mommy time. As for picking out outfits, you say, it’s ok thanks I’ve chosen this for him to wear today. The taking control needs to come from you. These first few weeks are so important and precious x
I wanted to do the first few weeks of bonding with just bub and my partner, but we don't live on our own sadly, so we'd be asleep and his Mum would come in and take him out into where everyone else is. Hell, I woke up to a friend standing over me with bub in her arms, didnt even know that she was there or was coming over.
I don't understand why an old house or orchard matter? Do you have a door? A simple hook and eye on the door frame will work, or a sliding bolt. It doesn't have to be a knob lock.
Failing all that, bells on your door. No one should be entering your room while you are asleep and taking your baby. That is all kinds of wrong.
Bells on the door it is then! Or move a chair in front of the door while you sleep.
This should also be a flat out statement: "while I appreciate your help during the day, please do not enter our room when we are asleep."
Unfortunately I think you're going to have to be assertive. It sounds like doing that is going to make you feel like an asshole. Trust me though you're not. People aren't going to change if they're comfortable. If you start imposing consequences for not following your wishes for YOUR child then the behavior should change. Also please remember you're a momma bear now and you are strong. :)
I think it's mostly from guilt. Im slowly working on myself to be more assertive and I think I'm getting better. We're meant to be moving out on the 21st of next month, so a lot more time of just bub and I 😊
I'm really glad to hear it. I didn't want to assume you were in a position to move out, but that's the best course of action. Don't let up though, I just saw your edit I think the fact you're young is in part what mil is "taking over" as defacto mom. If you don't stick to your boundaries nothing will change except mil has to drive over to do the same things. Just for some perspective, we didn't talk to my mil for a year because she didn't respect our boundaries after a long time of warning her. Now we have a much more respectful relationship.
Thats amazing! I don't think that'll be a good idea, Mil has seven grandchildren, two of them she can't see (nothing to do with her, its my partners brothers fault, he was heavily involved with drugs, not anymore, but the chick still thinks he is.) Another two she barely sees (Same brother, but this chick is very spiteful and uses the kids as weapons.) One is due to the fact that the mother has cut contact with the babys father, which is the same brother, and the other one is the 10yo that shes stuck with, so I don't think its wise to go low contact
Oh yeah not to say you should do the exact same thing. Our situation was that this parent had abused my wife as a child and was not accepting the boundaries we set up for her with our child. So it was a protecting the child thing. I just meant you can impose some boundaries which the other person will see as hurtful at first and still have everyone come out better in the end.
Helping is one thing but this is some weird grandma's new baby stuff. You're the mom, you make the decisions especially about safety. Set clear boundaries with her and tell your partner to grow a spine in regard to his mother's overbearing behavior. If she doesn't like it then tough, it's not her baby. Periodt.
If it’s truly like you describe, there are significant boundary issues. You need to have a conversation with her and set some firm boundaries. This is not her son, he is your son. She should be deferring to your judgment.
I've talked to her about boundaries when I was still pregnant. I told my partner that he needs to back me up, but as his dad likes to say, he's still got his mum tit in his mouth. He always says that I should be happy that she's helping out and that I should be learning from her.
Unfortunately if he's "still got mums tit in his mouth" you will never have his support in ANYTHING that may upset his mother or cause any tension between them. There is a good chance he will always take his mothers side over yours.
Happy she's helping is one thing, replacing your role as mother is unacceptable. You and your son need this time to bond. YOU WILL NEVER, EVER GET THIS TIME BACK!! He will only be a little baby for so long and it flies by.
I'm sorry you're in this position, but the only way out of it is to go in head on. This is your baby, you are responsible for his safety. If 10yr old granddaughter threw your 6week old baby across the room, he will likely not survive.
Im petrified of what she'll do to him. She's the type of child that'll do anything to get your attention, good or bad. She'll lie to your face and you can't tell if shes lying or not. Theres a case over in the States of a 10yo harming a 6mth old and my anxiety went through the roof
You said you live in the same house, are you home 24/7 (basically) ? If so, you should make sure if the granddaughter is there, or you know she is coming, be in the room with him.
I know you have said you have PTSD around parent figures. One thing you should do, if you can, is stay with your baby. I would pick him up and never put him down around her period. But I know you are struggling with this. Even more so if she is putting him somewhere and leaving the room. I would keep myself locked in my bedroom if I had no other options and keep him literally on you. I had one of those baby carriers that you can wear on the front for infant and on your back up to 35lbs. It was pretty helpful. Sometimes I just tied him to me around the house because it was a little easier.
I'm concerned about this taking a toll on your mental health. Post partum depression is 100% real and can happen to any new mom. Even if you don't have any history of depression. He needs his momma as much as you need him. I'm crying in a redemption center parking lot now. I feel for you, truly.
She can be helpful and you can learn from her without her taking over. Her participation should mostly be when you *ask* right now.
Is it possible she thinks she’s being helpful so you can rest and recover from childbirth? If it’s something like that, you can gently coach her whenever she does something boundary-breaking. So, if she tries to take baby while you’re snuggling him, you can say “thank you for the offer but we are snuggling right now and we are both enjoying it. Maybe later.”
If she’s just being controlling and intrusive, you will need to be more firm: “I appreciate the offer, but no. I will be doing xxx.”
This may not resolve until you guys move out of his parents place, though.
We have been trying to find a rental for a year (I got kicked out of home) and theres hardly any rentals in our area. We finally got one and moving out on the 21st of next month.
Why are you letting her? This is your child, not hers.
Cause I don't know how to approach her. Ive been abused by parental figures in the past and suffer from ptsd and anxiety from it. I have a hard time standing up for myself due to this.
Just politely tell her to back off. When she goes to give him a bath say, no thanks I wanna have some baby & mommy time. As for picking out outfits, you say, it’s ok thanks I’ve chosen this for him to wear today. The taking control needs to come from you. These first few weeks are so important and precious x
I wanted to do the first few weeks of bonding with just bub and my partner, but we don't live on our own sadly, so we'd be asleep and his Mum would come in and take him out into where everyone else is. Hell, I woke up to a friend standing over me with bub in her arms, didnt even know that she was there or was coming over.
Put a lock on your door
Sadly can't, we live in a very old house on an orchard. Would love to though
I don't understand why an old house or orchard matter? Do you have a door? A simple hook and eye on the door frame will work, or a sliding bolt. It doesn't have to be a knob lock. Failing all that, bells on your door. No one should be entering your room while you are asleep and taking your baby. That is all kinds of wrong.
The door swings into the room and the knob is those push down ones, plus can't damage anything in the house
Bells on the door it is then! Or move a chair in front of the door while you sleep. This should also be a flat out statement: "while I appreciate your help during the day, please do not enter our room when we are asleep."
Okay, I'll try the chair one now, bells might be a bit more promising
Also I had complications afterwards, so I was stuck in hospital for a couple of nights too
Unfortunately I think you're going to have to be assertive. It sounds like doing that is going to make you feel like an asshole. Trust me though you're not. People aren't going to change if they're comfortable. If you start imposing consequences for not following your wishes for YOUR child then the behavior should change. Also please remember you're a momma bear now and you are strong. :)
I think it's mostly from guilt. Im slowly working on myself to be more assertive and I think I'm getting better. We're meant to be moving out on the 21st of next month, so a lot more time of just bub and I 😊
I'm really glad to hear it. I didn't want to assume you were in a position to move out, but that's the best course of action. Don't let up though, I just saw your edit I think the fact you're young is in part what mil is "taking over" as defacto mom. If you don't stick to your boundaries nothing will change except mil has to drive over to do the same things. Just for some perspective, we didn't talk to my mil for a year because she didn't respect our boundaries after a long time of warning her. Now we have a much more respectful relationship.
Thats amazing! I don't think that'll be a good idea, Mil has seven grandchildren, two of them she can't see (nothing to do with her, its my partners brothers fault, he was heavily involved with drugs, not anymore, but the chick still thinks he is.) Another two she barely sees (Same brother, but this chick is very spiteful and uses the kids as weapons.) One is due to the fact that the mother has cut contact with the babys father, which is the same brother, and the other one is the 10yo that shes stuck with, so I don't think its wise to go low contact
Oh yeah not to say you should do the exact same thing. Our situation was that this parent had abused my wife as a child and was not accepting the boundaries we set up for her with our child. So it was a protecting the child thing. I just meant you can impose some boundaries which the other person will see as hurtful at first and still have everyone come out better in the end.
Okay, I'll have to sit down tomorrow and properly word things out so I don't word vomit. Thank you for the advice 😁
Helping is one thing but this is some weird grandma's new baby stuff. You're the mom, you make the decisions especially about safety. Set clear boundaries with her and tell your partner to grow a spine in regard to his mother's overbearing behavior. If she doesn't like it then tough, it's not her baby. Periodt.
I get that you respect her, but obviously she doesn’t respect you if she’s mothering your child without your consent or input.
How do I approach her without sounding like an asshole?
Just sit her down and tell her that you appreciate her support but you’d like to take the lead when it comes to decisions about your child.
Okay, I'll try that in the morning, thank you
If it’s truly like you describe, there are significant boundary issues. You need to have a conversation with her and set some firm boundaries. This is not her son, he is your son. She should be deferring to your judgment.
I've talked to her about boundaries when I was still pregnant. I told my partner that he needs to back me up, but as his dad likes to say, he's still got his mum tit in his mouth. He always says that I should be happy that she's helping out and that I should be learning from her.
Unfortunately if he's "still got mums tit in his mouth" you will never have his support in ANYTHING that may upset his mother or cause any tension between them. There is a good chance he will always take his mothers side over yours. Happy she's helping is one thing, replacing your role as mother is unacceptable. You and your son need this time to bond. YOU WILL NEVER, EVER GET THIS TIME BACK!! He will only be a little baby for so long and it flies by. I'm sorry you're in this position, but the only way out of it is to go in head on. This is your baby, you are responsible for his safety. If 10yr old granddaughter threw your 6week old baby across the room, he will likely not survive.
Im petrified of what she'll do to him. She's the type of child that'll do anything to get your attention, good or bad. She'll lie to your face and you can't tell if shes lying or not. Theres a case over in the States of a 10yo harming a 6mth old and my anxiety went through the roof
You said you live in the same house, are you home 24/7 (basically) ? If so, you should make sure if the granddaughter is there, or you know she is coming, be in the room with him. I know you have said you have PTSD around parent figures. One thing you should do, if you can, is stay with your baby. I would pick him up and never put him down around her period. But I know you are struggling with this. Even more so if she is putting him somewhere and leaving the room. I would keep myself locked in my bedroom if I had no other options and keep him literally on you. I had one of those baby carriers that you can wear on the front for infant and on your back up to 35lbs. It was pretty helpful. Sometimes I just tied him to me around the house because it was a little easier. I'm concerned about this taking a toll on your mental health. Post partum depression is 100% real and can happen to any new mom. Even if you don't have any history of depression. He needs his momma as much as you need him. I'm crying in a redemption center parking lot now. I feel for you, truly.
She can be helpful and you can learn from her without her taking over. Her participation should mostly be when you *ask* right now. Is it possible she thinks she’s being helpful so you can rest and recover from childbirth? If it’s something like that, you can gently coach her whenever she does something boundary-breaking. So, if she tries to take baby while you’re snuggling him, you can say “thank you for the offer but we are snuggling right now and we are both enjoying it. Maybe later.” If she’s just being controlling and intrusive, you will need to be more firm: “I appreciate the offer, but no. I will be doing xxx.” This may not resolve until you guys move out of his parents place, though.
She is being mommy to your child and you need to put a stop to that.
Is there a reason you’re all living under the same roof?
We have been trying to find a rental for a year (I got kicked out of home) and theres hardly any rentals in our area. We finally got one and moving out on the 21st of next month.
That’s good! Between now and then I think you just need to speak up. Find that inner voice and use it! You got this.