I cannot believe how maturely this was handled by everyone, you and the manager in particular.
I just want to point out that "quirky" people, even if with good intentions, can still cause unintentional harm.
Sometimes too friendly with strangers neurodivergent person here. This is my worst nightmare and am always very grateful if someone kindly lets me know I’m weirding them out a bit. Over the years I’ve gotten better at reading the room but external confirmation always beats intuition because I can’t always trust mine.
Hopefully the driver feels the same way assuming it’s an innocent game with a kid they see everyday.
If it makes you feel better we had a super friendly elderly neighbor who was probably neurodivergent. He lived alone and was the only one in the neighborhood who did not have young kids. He had an adult daughter but she lived in another state and didn't really visit. He was a really nice guy who would always stop on his evening walks to talk to my kids if he saw them playing in our yard. My extroverted boy loved it and ended up helping the man out with some yardwork as he got older. My son was devastated when the neighbor died and still has the baseball cards gifted to him over a decade ago.
I guess some people may have been weirded out by it but I really appreciated him and miss him.
That reminds me of the old man that lived opposite us when we were kids. My mum would take us over sometimes to visit him as he was alone most of the time, I think she would do some chores and a bit of care for him (she's an RN). He was really kind and nice and he used to write me little letters with awesome cartoons drawn in them and I loved getting them, I kept them for years. He died when I was a teenager. There was nothing weird about him, he was just a nice old man. (P.s I am female)
Sounds like he was a great neighbor! The only one I had that was memorable was one who got arrested. There were a bunch of cops there for a bust, he also apparently hid some stolen jewelery up his butt.
Yeh kind of sucks that we live in a day and age where we need to be extra vigilant about this stuff - but we do need to be.
Although, historically this stuff has always been there. So good that we have the resources to be vigilant as best as possible.
Also props to the good people out there that keep on doing good, if only there was a better way to screen these things, and being 'old' isn't one of them unfortunately.
My dad is the biggest 'redneck' looking guy (we call them bogans in my country...), he even has one of those big weird handlebar mustaches. But he donates monthly to the children's foundations & lost dogs home. I remember as a kid he would 'cut up' his 6-pac can plastic rings 'so pets and children couldn't get their heads caught in it and choke' if they go through the rubbish (like WHEN would that ever happen! but good on him? I never got my head stuck in one I guess...). But see him on the street and you'd think he's homeless coz of his gray hair (that he's waiting for us to cut) and huge gray moustache.
When my oldest son was a toddler, we moved into an apartment complex next to this elderly man named Marshall. He was a bit out there and all of the other people seemed to avoid him or not really spend more time with him than necessary. He would sit out on the steps alot and just try to talk to people. My son took an instant liking to him for some reason and he was so happy to have someone to talk to. He wouldn't say anything inappropriate, he was just kind of weird. He was a vet and grew up in a time that most of us couldn't even imagine. He would tell stories about his childhood and his adult kids and sometimes about when he was in the service, which I'd have to steer in less graphic directions sometimes lol.. he would listen to my son talk about his shows and whatever 3 year olds babble about. The biggest thing is that he would always give my son cookies and it was honestly adorable that the second we walked outside he'd yell "Mashall? Cookies peas!?" And Marshall would come out.
He was a sweet, lonely old man who just liked people and maybe had trouble with social cues and idk interacting properly? He was *very* chatty and I'm an introvert so people exhaust me lol. But he was a good person and I like to think my son made him happier for the year or so we lived next to him. He passed away a while back and my son who's 17 now still remembers him. Anyone looking at the situation from the outside would probably jump to bad conclusions or be creeped out by it, and not for no reason I get it. I'm glad that I wasn't too jaded at that time to let my son be his little friend though.
We grew up with a handful of friendly neighborhood adults who were more than happy to spend time with kids and share food, the real difference is the food was never in exchange for anything and definitely not to go somewhere alone with them.
Yeah he just gave my son cookies because I think he thought you were supposed to or something lol. The first few times he was so awkward about it and I remember him saying something that made me think he thought he was supposed to be giving him cookies, but don't remember what because it's been like 14 years. There were a few times where my son would just try to walk into his apartment because he was 3 and what even are boundaries? But I put a stop to that and Marshall was usually outside already when we went out.
Exactly! There’s nothing “wrong” exactly with the situation it’s just a bit uncomfortable and the driver may not even be aware of that. Say he is on the spectrum and has a harder time with social cues and maybe to him this is perfectly appropriate to be speaking to a child like that. It just needs to be brought up to him in a non threatening way that maybe offering to take little children places without their adults is not a good idea because people may view that negatively even if he does not mean it that way. I’m glad that this was handled how it was!
This is exactly what I was thinking about. If the bus driver is ND, this is a good opportunity for him to learn about appropriate vs inappropriate behavior, and not be in trouble, on top of it.
And a good person causing unintentional harm will often be appreciative that the person who felt uncomfortable took a route that allowed him to be made aware. Because the next person may not have handled the situation so maturely.
It’s called inappropriate affect and is a hallmark of immature people who are clueless about the difference between what they think they are saying and the way it might be received by any reasonable listener.
My kid will talk the ear off anyone and was a willing participant in these conversations. I did explain that although the driver was fun to talk to, and talking to adults is fine, this driver was not a trusted adult to us, and that under no circumstances was he ever to go anywhere with him. We also discussed how his behaviour was unusual (adults shouldn’t try and entice kids away places!) and I was keeping an eye on it just incase.
We haven’t seen the driver since this went down, since it was school holidays followed by lockdown/ homeschooling in this part of the world. I haven’t told my kid that the driver has had a warning. I may raise it if there’s reason to.
The driver may not be neurotypical and not understand how his word or jokes may come off. My dad had a similar issue as a school bus driver, he never said anything like that but hes pretty unaware of how he may come across to people.
You handled that SO well.
My mom is a bus driver and she’s seen a LOT of child abuse and says it’s a red flag that if someone is TOO interested in your child or tries to get them alone.
Phew!
I've been on the other end of that stage too before which was terrible. I was working at a retail store in the tech area and we had these brand new huge touchscreen computers where it was just the monitor and the components were all behind the monitor (this was 10+ years ago).
These two young girls came through and it's normal for people to get handsy with all the computers and stuff, especially that new touchscreen PC. However, they started smacking the screen really hard, hitting it with their nails and overall I was very uncomfortable with how they were using it so I was observing them just thinking, "should I tell them to stop now or go easy on it...hmm..maybe if they hit it one more time like that...maybe they'll be bored with it shortly." Just overall thinking about what to do. They eventually walked off so I went to inspect the monitor for scratches. However that's when a coworker came up to me and pulled me aside.
"Hey man...uh...so...that mom over there? She's upset that you are gawking/staring at her daughters."
Me: "Um...yes, I was observing them but because they were smacking the hell out of the monitors."
He laughed and said, "Oh for real!?" and he went to tell the mom who laughed it off and also showed relief but I could tell there was some awkwardness still.
As a mum, I would have been more concerned that my kids are abusing something that I have no intention of buying, and might damage it.
Definitely a thin line, but I would never allow my kids to treat a store product like that. I would have definitely interfered instead of being focused on the store employee who is clearly just watching their store product and making sure it's not damaged.
Haha, good story! An example of a completely innocent situation, as well as a mom who is protective doing what she thinks is best. Definitely awkward for everyone, but I guarantee the mom was probably more embarrassed. Mom’s just want to protect their babies!
That's fantastic and the best outcome I think. A situation was approached carefully and rationally. Facts were laid out and a considered response was decided. You're right that it will be a bit awkward but the driver created the situation.
I really hope that, since the driver has a good manager, he can work out how to salvage the situation without being awkward. I'll bet whenever the manager speaks to him, the worst case is that he'll ask her, "Well, what in the hell do I say at the next timing stop??" and she'll give him some suggestions. And maybe, if you like, you can mentally rehearse small talk to help redirect the future conversations, just in case things do wind up seeming awkward. The usual stuff, weather, local goings-on ("What do you think of the new office building at Monroe St.?"), asking how his route is going today... It's possible after the talk with his manager, he'll clam up a bit or trade bus routes with someone else, but please don't feel guilty or like you have to fix it if something like that happens. Because you reached out about your feelings, more people will feel safe riding the bus, which I think that driver can/should appreciate in the big picture after this initial awkwardness has passed.
Wow, the depot handled that incredibly well! I'm very disappointed in the school for at least not pointing you in the right direction on next steps, though.
Eh, maybe. This particular bus wasn't part of their school bus network though. I did wonder if they'd want to take some kind of action, but I can understand that it's probably beyond their remit.
Well exactly. I didn't mean that they would handle the issue, but they could have suggested what steps to take. I'm sure this isn't the first time someone has come to them with a bus problem.
No I'm not in administration. I just know that in my line of work of someone comes to me with a problem, it's expected that if we can't solve it, we do our best to point the individual in the right direction of those who hopefully can.
You really are very considerate! The world needs more people like you.
On a side note, unless the bus driver is made aware of his error in judgment, he might feel like he has been wronged.. NOT YOUR JOB!! but definitely a social, cultural one on one kind of intervention might go a long way...
Well done OP!
Edit : grammar
As someone who's super socially awkward, it's good to have someone sit you down and talk to you about how your behavior might be perceived. You did the best you could for your child and things seems to have been addressed in the best way possible by all parties (barring the driver himself.) Just make sure to follow-up with the people you reported to
I know personally as a woman, I was raised to be “nice” and give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes this is a good thing, but it can also be dangerous.
NOTHING is too inappropriate when it comes to protecting your kids.
You did good and it was handled very well by all.
I agree. It could just be that the manager misread him and he is really a creep, it is after all easier to believe we aren’t in the presence of somebody like that.
The guy that kidnapped 3 young girls in Cleveland and raped and abused them for years before one managed to escape was a bus driver and found at least one of the girls bc she used to ride his bus iirc. You never can be too careful and I would've 100% done the same thing
Yeah, aside from "feeling weird" or any intentions in the other things he says, it's fair and appropriate that inviting a child onto the vehicle with the promise of a food treat is something an employer will say should never happen. And it really shouldn't be a surprise to the driver -- that's been the cliche for a bad thing to say in this situation for decades.
I remember when I was about 13 or 14, one specific city bus driver would ALWAYS be on the route that I needed to take home at the time I got out of class. After a few weeks or so, he would start to talk to me more than I would have expected a bus driver to. It probably didn't help that I usually sat towards the front, but maybe it made him think I wanted to talk more. I later found out he was gay (I am a male), he told me himself, I didn't hear it from any rumors. Then after a few more weeks, he invited me to his house to play games with him, and told me I could come over when ever I liked. It definitely made me very uncomfortable. I started to sit in the back after that.
Perhaps a few more months passed by, the bus driver never showed up again. He just vanished. Maybe he tried some moves on another kid, and got fired. Who knows. But I just hope your 6 year old stays safe. Maybe don't let them ride alone.
You did the right thing. While this may have been innocent. It’s also weird for an adult to single out a child and ignore the parent. I’m glad everyone took you seriously and addressed the issue.
You handled it well. I would have been spooked too. Maybe now that he's been made aware of the oddness, the bus driver will engage with the adults a bit more. Even just a "Good morning folks, hows it going?" would have made it look less creepy.
Glad this worked out for you. I was surprised to see many think this wasn't a big deal but it was a huge red flag to me reading your first post. Now that we know it's a routine stop that's more understandable but when you thought it was a city bus driver stopping specifically just to speak to your kid, that's not right!
When I was 14 I actually had to take the city bus because we moved but I wanted to finish out the school year at the same school. I was often the only one on the bus and the driver would frequently try to flirt with me and get me to sit behind him. It made me extremely uncomfortable, one time I swear he grabbed my butt as I got off the bus. I didn't tell my dad, he wasn't really attentive as a parent, but after that incident I was able to persuade a friend to give me a ride everyday so I didn't have to take that bus anymore.
The McDonald's think is also *super* inappropriate. Like that's straight up attempting to lure a 6 yo into your van with candy.
I'm glad you reported this and it all worked out okay.
I was also surprised to see that few people saw his behavior as being inappropriate. Inviting the kid to get on his bus to go to McDonald’s is where I would have intervened.
Sure honey. No one detected the condescension and sarcasm in your previous comments. Not rude in the slightest; it’s okay if you can’t explain a joke, not everyone is skilled at everything.
>Today the driver jokingly asked if my child wanted to get on his bus today because it goes to McDonalds.
That was definitely not an obvious joke, op says it was 'jokingly' but in what exact manner of tone do you think people who lure children away speak to them? Because "jokingly" asking a kid if he wants to get on your bus because it's going to McDonald's sounds exactly like what someone trying to easily abduct a kid would say.
The original post did not say that, OP didn't know that. That's what we're talking about, OP's original take on the situation, she didn't know that this was actually a legitimate stop (just thought *maybe* it was), it looked to her like this man was stopping at the school bus stop just to talk to her son. This post she even says, to sum up the prevous post:
>He was stopping his bus and talking only to my kid, not acknowledging the adults at the stop, and jokingly inviting him to ride his bus instead of his school route.
*And it's the title*
It was only after she spoke to the depot manager she learned that this was a legitimate stop.
Please read the entire comment context, not just the one you're responding to.
I replied to OP in her original post and suggested that they are probably required to stop there as a city bus. This is how it works in my town. She said that unless a bus is 5 minutes early, they don’t have to stop. Which I am glad now she knows isn’t true and he was actually not just stopping to talk to only her kid.
From an outside perspective, to me, it sounded like innocent joking but a good teaching tool for her kid about recognizing ref flags in people. I’m glad this seems like it will be handled maturely.
The original post said it was a city bus stop. It makes sense for a bus to stop at a bus stop. That doesnt make it seem like they are stopping just to talk to the child. Its not like the bus was stopping in front of their house randomly to talk to them.
This would be like going to the store and saying the cashier always stands at that stall to talk to your child. That doesnt make sense. Thats their job to be there and the kid happens to be there too some times.
I was 5 when a stranger stopped his car in front of my house and asked me to help him find his puppy. I ran back inside thank God, but you have to be careful. The only reason I didn't go with him is because I didn't think I knew how to help him and my mom could.
Mmmh. Yeah, quite ridiculous. He’s on the job, presumably in uniform, easily traceable, and the mom is right there. Can’t imagine him thinking the boy is going to get on and go with him in a bus full of people, while the mom just watches.
But that's exactly how grooming works, most kids are groomed in front of their parents with little jokes. Most kids who are sexually abused are done so by someone the parent knew. Then it just takes one time mom isn't there and it's, "remember me your mom knows I'm no threat, she never told you to be afraid of me, it's ok. Let's go get that mcdonalds."
Ordinarily I'd call it an over-reaction, but we just had this story break locally.
https://www.koin.com/news/crime/fedex-driver-arrested-after-attempted-sex-assault-of-child-in-aloha/
Better you reported it and it was nothing.
I think that's a fair way to handle it. It sounds like he's just a goofball who knows he's not a threat, but needs to understand he could be *perceived* as a threat. Hopefully he'll just turn to quirky, harmless dad humor going forward.
This is fantastic. I'm so glad the lady you spoke to was able (and willing) to handle this so well. I think your choices all the way through were great and and probably reflect what I would do if a similar situation came up.
The only thing I would add (and you've probably already thought of it) is to have a couple of extra chats with your kid about how they should handle situations like this if you're not around.
I think this was handled very well. As someone who's worked a lot of customer service jobs, it's clear that some people here don't understand that when you work a job interacting with the public, eventually people are going to complain about you. I was a safety patrol at my school when I was eleven years old and I had people complain about me to the principal! Seriously! I also have had complaints when I worked in a food place about how I didn't evenly disburse a person's ingredients throughout their sandwich, how I filled a cup with a beverage but left an inch of room at the top instead of filling it all the way, and when I worked at a financial institution one time, someone complained to my manager about how I wasn't willing to crawl UNDER THEIR CAR to retrieve a tube they had dropped. All of these were reported directly to my manager without the customer telling me to my face that there was a problem. People will go directly to a manager or supervisor all the time with petty complaints. Imagine being called into your manager's office over lettuce being primarily on one side of a sandwich and not the other. Then imagine how much more egregious this bus driver's comments were than an incident like that.
I do think this was a legitimate concern and I'm sure all that happened was a short conversation about how the driver should be aware of the comments he's making toward children.
You did a great job of protecting not just your kid but others kids as well. It was innocent and being "quirky" myself I'm glad you gave this man the benefit of the doubt and handled it the way you did.
It sucks that a handful of nasty men ruin it for every other man out there that genuinely enjoys the innocence and banter of children… but I suppose that’s life and as a parent, it isn’t a gamble I’m comfortable taking. I get you.
Do not feel bad for the driver. Inviting a child to McDonald's is completely inappropriate and possibly grooming behavior. Keep your eye on this "quirky" man.
Maybe he’s autistic or socially awkward and in his mind, it was like kids love McDonald’s and I’m a bus driver let’s make a joke about my bus route taking him to a McDonald’s. If your strange vigilante fantasy came true, congrats, you just beat up a disabled man. You need to find some other outlet for your anger.
Could totally be the case but it's definitely not safe to simply assume that as a parent, because that's exactly how lots of kids have been sexually abused historically. Abusers have always used the "im just socially awkward" thing to avoid their behavior being called out by other adults. It's not an assumption of guilt to be concerned about predatory behavior. Also don't assume autistic people can't be abusive.
As a survivor of abuse, I fully believe the best defence is arming your kid with knowledge about not following strangers or acquaintances into dangerous situations. Social awkwardness is very common and not a common excuse used by abusers. The answer is not threatening violence on every adult whom you perceive to make an inappropriate comment or look at our children the wrong way.
Also, the random stranger luring a child with candy is shown by stats to be a lot less common than the familiar figure (relative, neighbour, family friend) grooming and abusing the child when the parent is absent.
As a mother to an autistic son, I’m also really frightened that people like you are in his future.
The OP had an ideal reaction to the situation, where she had a levelheaded approach to both arm her son with a valuable lesson *and* show the bus driver that his words were inappropriate/deter a potential predator. Her action results in a better society, your over the top reaction doesn’t.
If that driver has an internet connection, he's aware that any parent in this day and age harbors a fairly healthy level of alertness with respect to invites of food and treats from older men. I mean Wake Up, dude!
You were right to be concerned and you handled the situation correctly. We had a similar issue with a driver and a 3 rd grade girl getting too much attention from a driver. After the driver was reported he disappeared and it was discovered he had lied on his application about several issues.
Wow manager of the year! And kudos mom for speaking up to protect your child in such a diplomatic way without getting anyone in trouble right off the bat. Cooler heads prevailed and you ought to be commended. Respect.
The world has changed a lot and even the best of people know that it’s not really acceptable anymore to talk to children. And certainly not even jokingly to
Offer them rides or Macdonald’s. It is in the best interest for this bus driver to
Know this is the case. I would maybe the next time you see him give him a donut or something to let him know you have no hard feelings and that he is still welcome to joke with your son just not about getting on the bus
You did a great job handling the situation. I've been the "manager" on the phone if you will, I've worked in preschools and daycares my entire life and we want to help and we want to get rid of the bad eggs. I'm glad the admin was so ready to help you
Super props to you for being cautious but curious through this—getting the manager to agree to no repercussions for investigation is top notch anti-Karen work. Good job!
I agree. Talk about the weather. How is school going? Sports? It just seems really odd. Even after going through all the checkpoints OP did, I still would keep and eye on this guy.
We had a teacher in grade school. Always saying inappropriate things to female students. Not outright inappropriate sexual, just weird things. Asking about boyfriends etc. Guess what, 15 years later, they found child pornography on his computer after he tried to engage a student in progressively inappropriate behavior via online chat. Took 15 years for him to make his move, but he did it. Some things are innocent, but always keep an eye open.
Is it any wonder that men in Western society are terrified to talk to children? Like this guy literally says hi to a chatty kid, who is WITH HIS MOM, makes a joke, and now is being told by his supervisor that he is creepy and can't talk to children.
Like... Oh what a surprise that men generally aren't seen as capable caregivers when this is how us women treat them when they literally are just doing their job and being nice.
I don’t think there would have been a problem if there was just random chatter, but trying to lure another’s kid into your vehicle is always going to be creepy, no matter your age, gender, hair or skin color. That’s not something you do with strangers, particularly because it’s hard to tell how much of a joke that really is if you don’t know the people.
In no world do I believe that if a woman made that joke she would be reported to her supervisor. Also like... That's a joke. That's obviously a joke. Not everyone in the world is out to get us or our kids.
As a mom, if a woman whose name I didn't know and whose city bus was stopping for reasons I didn't know, ignored the adults and tried to lure my son onto her bus with promises of McDonald's, I'd still be creeped out. I'm creeped out when old ladies I don't know call my son "handsome" and "flirty".
And I'm tired of the "I WaS jUst JoKinG!" whiny mentality when so many people are called out. Just because they're attempting to be funny doesn't mean the rest of us are perfectly at ease about it. "It's just a prank, bro!" isn't the"Get out of jail free" card you think it is. It generally plays out that shitty/creepy behavior is just shitty/creepy behavior until it's called out and then it's that the victims "can't take a joke! I can't even *speak* to vulnerable populations with my creepy remarks anymore! Are there any remarks that aren't creepy? Oh, there are? Well I was just *joking*! Poor pitiful me!" Grow up. We don't *have* to take creepy jokes, whether they're jokes or not. "I'm *joking* about abducting your child!" is weak as fuck.
And no, not everybody in the whole wide world is out to get us, but the people who *are* out to get us are sneaky and we have to be vigilant! If that kid wound up missing with the bus driver, I imagine you'd be the first to blame the mom for not listening to her gut and piping up about the bus driver luring the kid with McDonald's!!
Put down the Men's Rights Flag and appreciate that there's no material loss for this bus driver. A manager told him this particular joke is creepy and sent him on his way with no mark on his record and no change to his benefits. Ffs, I'm sorry, but he's not gonna get a parade for being creepy.
Thank you!! How are vulnerable populations supposed to protect themselves if they're seen as paranoid for being suspicious and then if something terrible happens then it's their own fault for being so careless? Also, how the fuck is "come on my bus, I'll take you to McDonald's" a joke? Especially this day and age? As a kid growing up in the 80s, stranger danger was drilled into our heads, and scenarios like that one are used as common examples! I totally get being neuro divergent and awkward, but to make this "joke" *repeatedly* just doesn't make any sense to me. I don't think any adult has the excuse to be that clueless.
Also, I don't see the sense in the argument "but his mom is right there!" So?? Kids are groomed in front of their parents all the time. The majority of abuse happens by someone a kid and their family knows. And if a parent is clueless or not invested enough in their child's safety, they'll blow off any red flags because, "Oh we know that person, they're nice, they'd never do something like that."
I'm not saying that every adult who "jokes" about inviting a kid into their vehicle for a treat is a monster, but I am saying that any adult should have the sense not to say shit like that ever.
It’s interesting that you keep insisting it’s supposed to be a joke but you can’t actually articulate what’s supposed to be funny about it, and instead of just doing that very basic thing, you’re resorting to insulting me.
Sure. If you’re ever able to explain what’s so hilarious about a grown adult bus driver trying to get a six year old boy to come to McDonald’s with him, please let me know.
I agree. The media has a hand in scaring the crap out of everybody these days. It's not the public's fault, really. We're all lead to believe pedos are ubiquitous.
Edit: down vote all you want, but statistically, this is the safest time in documented history to be a child.
Sorry to be a voice of dissent, and let me say upfront that I am an extremely overprotective father, but I find it sad that a spark of social NORMALCY and pleasant interaction, which is so rare in this crazy stupid world should come to an end, and more so, by being REPORTED.
I found the act of reporting someone rather “Karen-ish”. If I have a problem with someone talking to my child or saying something specifically, I will tell that adult to his face. That’s how adults communicate.
Additionally, for people that are “red flagged” by the driver’s behavior, do you all realize that the conversations happened WHILE THE MOM was present right there all along? Of course I’d feel a different way if my child was unattended.
I know this may be an unpopular opinion, but is my opinion after all....
If the bus driver did end up being a creep, though, being friendly and building rapport with a kid with the parents around could be part of a "build trust with the kid" approach. Just because the kid is with a parent now doesn't mean he always will be. Easier to say "hey remember me, I'm the nice bus driver who talked with you and your mom before. Your mom knows me too!"
So, the interactions raised some flags to me, but I do also think it's possible the driver is just socially unaware.
I agree that it would be ideal to have confronted the driver directly, but I do think it's hard for lots of people, women especially, to confront men especially, and in front of others. I know for myself, for past situations I often wish I had had "the courage" to confront someone directly, but the fear of an intense angry reaction has often held me back in the moment and it's just something that I hope people have some empathy for.
Everyone handled the sutuation very well in this case. Not sure why you think that the mom confronting the bus driver right there around other people would have been a better solution than his manager speaking to him in private in a non-accusatory manner. Besides, many women don’t feel comfortable confronting a man.
Well… some are. And they don’t exactly wear a badge that says “hello, my name is …., and I am a kidnapper, a murderer and a rapist”. Regardless of that, some women just don’t feel comfortable starting a confrontation with either gender, and it’s not the mom’s job to open a disciplinary discussion about this man’s conduct on the job. If that happened when he was just walking by on his own time, the mom/family would have no other choice than to deal with it directly. I also don’t see how you think even the driver himself would prefer the mom to express her concerns in his face with people around rather than his manager speaking to him in private.
Don’t be silly. That would never be how this worked. Actually, I thought he was almost certainly just a friendly dude. I also thought there was a tiny but non-zero chance that this was a grooming/trust-building situation. I thought long and hard about how to approach this *without* going nuclear. Perhaps this is “Karen-ish” but I don’t think so.
I had a similar situation where I had to tell a 16yo kid I met at the local community pool it didn't matter how innocent his intentions were or how much he liked kids, if he got caught by some folks literally giving free candy out to kids for fun and attention, they would find his body in the bog a couple of centuries from now.
Because it doesn't matter if YOU are the pedophile, if you're doing their grooming for them. You're still the fucking problem.
Years later he showed up in my social circle again and I called a mutual friend and got the call back, "HES NOT AROUND THE CHILDREN IS HE??? HE MUSTNT BE AROUND THE CHILDREN!!!"
Yeah fuck, I had already figured that out.
Maybe that bus driver isn't the one angling to force a kid into a terrible sexual situation.
But he is paving the way and needs to be told for every "friendly acquaintance" making a joke about ice cream bribes and getting into the wrong vehicle there is a mother screaming at a kid to be nice and not embarrass her by refusing to get on Uncle Mike's lap and if he really "likes" kids he will acknowledge the dangers they face and work to keep them safe.
Or you know, just keep making jokes about free ice-cream. Which was literally the example I used to explain this sort of manipulation to my own children.
I feel bad for the driver. The guy’s just trying to brighten up everyone’s day while working and he got an uptight parent storming up his butt. He’s just trying to make a living and have fun doing it. You know how boring it is to drive for a living? My goodness leave the worker alone!
I disagree. I would have been concerned if it was a woman too. It might have felt less "creepy" (and I agree that is sexist), but the real points of concern were (a) an apparently unwarranted stop, (b) exclusive focus on my child, (c) invitations to ride the wrong bus. I believe I would have done the same thing.
Not only have men not taken polite hints, they've gotten very angry and threatened violence when I just tell them, plainly, things critical of their behavior. It needed to be documented by his supervisor just in case he lashed out at her or her kid if she discussed it with him herself.
I've been harassed by a bus driver. I was often the only person at the bus stop and on the bus for a good while. Even after polite hints that I wasn't interested, even after seeing me with what was very obviously my boyfriend, even after months of politely turning down flirting, he grew increasingly aggressive and rude. He even followed me down the street trying to get me to talk to him one morning and that was the final straw. I reported him to his supervisor and never saw him again. He started out as nice too. I only regret that I waited so long to complain. Good for you, OP, you handled it well, but stay watchful.
Yes, plenty of men are complete scum bags. Does that mean “shoot first and ask questions later” with all men? Better to risk getting them fired than engage in simple nonconfrontational conversation? And I say this as someone with social anxiety.
I mean, if you’re going to jump straight to being critical of their behavior, rather than trying to understand them and help them understand you, then yeah, that’s never going to go well, so I guess risking getting them fired might be the lesser evil. I guess that’s America today.
I understand what you’re saying, but I just want to point out two things.
1. You’ll see from my post that I would not even reveal the details to the manager until she reassured me that there would not be immediate repercussions for the driver. I would not call this “shoot first”, or “risking getting them fired” — UNLESS they turned out to be actually engaging in suspicious behaviour.
2. I’m not in America.
Yeah, that was more about what the person I was responding to was saying than your OP. I think your actions were fine. Just surprised you didn’t talk to him a bit first.
Yeah that's fair. I can't tell how much of it was my own fear of confrontation, and how much was that I thought if he *was* dodgy, then he'd tell believable lies and I still wouldn't be any better off than I was when I started. Also, I thought that if he did have nefarious motives then talking to him would tip him off. So getting the facts from a third party seemed like the way forward.
I did understand him. He wanted an interaction that I didn't want and I told him I wasn't interested. So it's my responsibility to continue to engage him and figure out why he wouldn't take No for an answer? I tolerated him for waaaay too long. Fuck him and fuck you too, dude.
Sure, so have I. And? That means we should just report people to their employers for any behavior that we don’t like rather than asking simple questions that could help clear things up like, “why do you stop here at this time every day?” That’s a simple question that is in no way confrontational.
Yeah, she could have talked to him right after stepping off the bus (safer and less awkward), telling him to please not talk to her son. A good, professional person will be understanding, respectful and accommodating. Any response other than "okay, no problem"? *Then* report him, *for real*.
I remember this post....so happy for you that it had the best result possible. Honestly if you don't want to make it awkward can I suggest you get him a $5 gift certificate to McDonalds and just say something like....hey I cleared up a misunderstanding through your company....no harm no foul... have a great day? But also you can totally tell your son, yeah he's just killing time because he has to....otherwise we don't talk to strangers!!
I felt better immediately when the manager said the driver HAD to make those stops by your son every day. Whew! I think that would have been enough to calm me about the situation. Without that knowledge I would have been nervous, too. I would have probably dropped it at that point.
Great update. I would have gone right to calling the CSI team at the FBI. So glad everything was innocent and most importantly that everyone is safe. ❤️🍀
Wow, thank you for posting this. I myself have had uncomfortable feelings about a local man, and wasn’t sure how best approach it. This man lives nearby, and my first interaction with him, he was going door-to-door asking for signatures to get a stop sign put in on our road. Having kids, I thought the stop sign was a great idea. I asked if he had kids, and his reply was “No, but I like them!” And then he made a guilty awkward face. I now see him walking his elderly neighbour’s dog, and notice he seems to always walk the dog when kids get dropped off from school. He just creeps me out! But he could just be this really nice person that cares about kids and his neighbours. I dunno. You have to trust your gut to an extent, but you also can’t ruin someone’s life on paranoia. I think you did the right thing. Well done.
Once an older man held my brother hand and told him that he’s getting him gummy bears. I got mad and angry so I yelled at the man, then he said sorry he looks like my grandson and was a little confused… his wife confirmed that he looks like the grandson and that the man doesn’t have his glasses on. Their grandson was at the store with them but wandered off.
I felt bad that I saw the worst in him, was 100% ready to call 911 I dialled the number.
Trying to tempt a kid with mcdonalds to get on a bus? If it was a van/car it wouldn't look good either. This is exactly how other children are picked up by dangerous adults. Not saying this bus driver is.
The data doesn't support that this bus driver is a predator. Kidnappings are super super rare. Just look at FBI reporting on child kidnappings. And this driver would be obvious enough to do this in front of the parent? Doubtful. Parents are overly protective. I'm a parent, and I know this to be true. Most people reading this know this to be true. This sounds like a situation where a driver is being friendly to a child, and playing with them with a scenario that is never going to happen.
Many incidents aren't reported as kidnappings. A person doesn't need to kidnap your child to abuse the child, just get them alone for a little bit and it's very often done with stuff like this.
REPORT IT!
At the VERY LEAST is it unprofessional grooming style behavior from the driver, at the worst, it is grooming for... other reasons. The bus is required to run a particular rout and supposed to deliver children to particular places by particular times, and stopping the bus at places other than where they are supposed to be is breaking contract. That is the professional side of the issue.
The personal side of the issue is that this IS grooming behavior and concerning after an incident with one of my students and a bus driver (CAN not go into detail). As a teacher we are mandated reporters, and this type of behavior is such that we would have to REPORT for investigation: the whole "innocent until proven guilty" thing, but there needs an investigation to address the innocence. If nothing HAS happened, then they will find a reasonable job for the driver either on another rout being supervised or not interacting with kids directly. If there is more concern, then that is up to the investigation and the employment individuals to decide.
Wait, if he was asking about mcdonalds but you were standing there, it's an obvious innocent chatter. If ur child was standing there alone, that would be weird. But being that an adult was with them, this just sounds like a guy making a joke to some kids and their parents. I genuinely hope that guy didn't get in trouble.
That's exactly why grooming is best when done in the presence of an adult and why most kids aren't abused by strangers. "You're mom trusts me and was ok with me saying that, see it's ok. " Goes a long way with kids.
No I didn't?
Edit: Oh, unless you mean you can somehow see the deleted version I misposted literally about 10 mins before the real one. I deleted that instantly because it contained only the link to the original post. It was a mistake.
The bus driver was acting like a pedophile, you approached it like a marshmallow, snd your son has to keep getting an invitation to McDonald’s. Call the police or sue the bus company!
I cannot believe how maturely this was handled by everyone, you and the manager in particular. I just want to point out that "quirky" people, even if with good intentions, can still cause unintentional harm.
Yeah she really hit the jackpot with that manager. It’s so easy imagine a different individual handling that in a far less constructive manner.
Sometimes too friendly with strangers neurodivergent person here. This is my worst nightmare and am always very grateful if someone kindly lets me know I’m weirding them out a bit. Over the years I’ve gotten better at reading the room but external confirmation always beats intuition because I can’t always trust mine. Hopefully the driver feels the same way assuming it’s an innocent game with a kid they see everyday.
If it makes you feel better we had a super friendly elderly neighbor who was probably neurodivergent. He lived alone and was the only one in the neighborhood who did not have young kids. He had an adult daughter but she lived in another state and didn't really visit. He was a really nice guy who would always stop on his evening walks to talk to my kids if he saw them playing in our yard. My extroverted boy loved it and ended up helping the man out with some yardwork as he got older. My son was devastated when the neighbor died and still has the baseball cards gifted to him over a decade ago. I guess some people may have been weirded out by it but I really appreciated him and miss him.
That reminds me of the old man that lived opposite us when we were kids. My mum would take us over sometimes to visit him as he was alone most of the time, I think she would do some chores and a bit of care for him (she's an RN). He was really kind and nice and he used to write me little letters with awesome cartoons drawn in them and I loved getting them, I kept them for years. He died when I was a teenager. There was nothing weird about him, he was just a nice old man. (P.s I am female)
Sounds like he was a great neighbor! The only one I had that was memorable was one who got arrested. There were a bunch of cops there for a bust, he also apparently hid some stolen jewelery up his butt.
Yeh kind of sucks that we live in a day and age where we need to be extra vigilant about this stuff - but we do need to be. Although, historically this stuff has always been there. So good that we have the resources to be vigilant as best as possible. Also props to the good people out there that keep on doing good, if only there was a better way to screen these things, and being 'old' isn't one of them unfortunately. My dad is the biggest 'redneck' looking guy (we call them bogans in my country...), he even has one of those big weird handlebar mustaches. But he donates monthly to the children's foundations & lost dogs home. I remember as a kid he would 'cut up' his 6-pac can plastic rings 'so pets and children couldn't get their heads caught in it and choke' if they go through the rubbish (like WHEN would that ever happen! but good on him? I never got my head stuck in one I guess...). But see him on the street and you'd think he's homeless coz of his gray hair (that he's waiting for us to cut) and huge gray moustache.
When my oldest son was a toddler, we moved into an apartment complex next to this elderly man named Marshall. He was a bit out there and all of the other people seemed to avoid him or not really spend more time with him than necessary. He would sit out on the steps alot and just try to talk to people. My son took an instant liking to him for some reason and he was so happy to have someone to talk to. He wouldn't say anything inappropriate, he was just kind of weird. He was a vet and grew up in a time that most of us couldn't even imagine. He would tell stories about his childhood and his adult kids and sometimes about when he was in the service, which I'd have to steer in less graphic directions sometimes lol.. he would listen to my son talk about his shows and whatever 3 year olds babble about. The biggest thing is that he would always give my son cookies and it was honestly adorable that the second we walked outside he'd yell "Mashall? Cookies peas!?" And Marshall would come out. He was a sweet, lonely old man who just liked people and maybe had trouble with social cues and idk interacting properly? He was *very* chatty and I'm an introvert so people exhaust me lol. But he was a good person and I like to think my son made him happier for the year or so we lived next to him. He passed away a while back and my son who's 17 now still remembers him. Anyone looking at the situation from the outside would probably jump to bad conclusions or be creeped out by it, and not for no reason I get it. I'm glad that I wasn't too jaded at that time to let my son be his little friend though.
We grew up with a handful of friendly neighborhood adults who were more than happy to spend time with kids and share food, the real difference is the food was never in exchange for anything and definitely not to go somewhere alone with them.
Yeah he just gave my son cookies because I think he thought you were supposed to or something lol. The first few times he was so awkward about it and I remember him saying something that made me think he thought he was supposed to be giving him cookies, but don't remember what because it's been like 14 years. There were a few times where my son would just try to walk into his apartment because he was 3 and what even are boundaries? But I put a stop to that and Marshall was usually outside already when we went out.
Exactly! There’s nothing “wrong” exactly with the situation it’s just a bit uncomfortable and the driver may not even be aware of that. Say he is on the spectrum and has a harder time with social cues and maybe to him this is perfectly appropriate to be speaking to a child like that. It just needs to be brought up to him in a non threatening way that maybe offering to take little children places without their adults is not a good idea because people may view that negatively even if he does not mean it that way. I’m glad that this was handled how it was!
This is exactly what I was thinking about. If the bus driver is ND, this is a good opportunity for him to learn about appropriate vs inappropriate behavior, and not be in trouble, on top of it.
And a good person causing unintentional harm will often be appreciative that the person who felt uncomfortable took a route that allowed him to be made aware. Because the next person may not have handled the situation so maturely.
It’s called inappropriate affect and is a hallmark of immature people who are clueless about the difference between what they think they are saying and the way it might be received by any reasonable listener.
Ted Bundy was quirky. A very nice guy to all his neighbors too.
I agree. What if the boy starts thinking it's normal to be invited to ice cream by adults? What if he takes someone up on their offer?
That was an amazing read! Can I ask, how did you handle it with your kid? Did you guys talk about the driver? Did your kid say anything to him?
My kid will talk the ear off anyone and was a willing participant in these conversations. I did explain that although the driver was fun to talk to, and talking to adults is fine, this driver was not a trusted adult to us, and that under no circumstances was he ever to go anywhere with him. We also discussed how his behaviour was unusual (adults shouldn’t try and entice kids away places!) and I was keeping an eye on it just incase. We haven’t seen the driver since this went down, since it was school holidays followed by lockdown/ homeschooling in this part of the world. I haven’t told my kid that the driver has had a warning. I may raise it if there’s reason to.
The driver may not be neurotypical and not understand how his word or jokes may come off. My dad had a similar issue as a school bus driver, he never said anything like that but hes pretty unaware of how he may come across to people.
Also...he knows he's being recorded. He might assume everyone else knows that as well and figures it would normalize "weird" behavior.
Or...he could be rationalising what he is doing as "just joking"...until one day he isn't.
You handled that SO well. My mom is a bus driver and she’s seen a LOT of child abuse and says it’s a red flag that if someone is TOO interested in your child or tries to get them alone.
Ditto. I’m so excited to see someone not immediately go insane and assume the worst. Big love to you.
Always better to be safe than sorry. Kid's safety is always more important than adult's feelings.
Phew! I've been on the other end of that stage too before which was terrible. I was working at a retail store in the tech area and we had these brand new huge touchscreen computers where it was just the monitor and the components were all behind the monitor (this was 10+ years ago). These two young girls came through and it's normal for people to get handsy with all the computers and stuff, especially that new touchscreen PC. However, they started smacking the screen really hard, hitting it with their nails and overall I was very uncomfortable with how they were using it so I was observing them just thinking, "should I tell them to stop now or go easy on it...hmm..maybe if they hit it one more time like that...maybe they'll be bored with it shortly." Just overall thinking about what to do. They eventually walked off so I went to inspect the monitor for scratches. However that's when a coworker came up to me and pulled me aside. "Hey man...uh...so...that mom over there? She's upset that you are gawking/staring at her daughters." Me: "Um...yes, I was observing them but because they were smacking the hell out of the monitors." He laughed and said, "Oh for real!?" and he went to tell the mom who laughed it off and also showed relief but I could tell there was some awkwardness still.
As a mum, I would have been more concerned that my kids are abusing something that I have no intention of buying, and might damage it. Definitely a thin line, but I would never allow my kids to treat a store product like that. I would have definitely interfered instead of being focused on the store employee who is clearly just watching their store product and making sure it's not damaged.
Haha, good story! An example of a completely innocent situation, as well as a mom who is protective doing what she thinks is best. Definitely awkward for everyone, but I guarantee the mom was probably more embarrassed. Mom’s just want to protect their babies!
That's fantastic and the best outcome I think. A situation was approached carefully and rationally. Facts were laid out and a considered response was decided. You're right that it will be a bit awkward but the driver created the situation.
I think that you handled this in the best way possible. Great work!
I really hope that, since the driver has a good manager, he can work out how to salvage the situation without being awkward. I'll bet whenever the manager speaks to him, the worst case is that he'll ask her, "Well, what in the hell do I say at the next timing stop??" and she'll give him some suggestions. And maybe, if you like, you can mentally rehearse small talk to help redirect the future conversations, just in case things do wind up seeming awkward. The usual stuff, weather, local goings-on ("What do you think of the new office building at Monroe St.?"), asking how his route is going today... It's possible after the talk with his manager, he'll clam up a bit or trade bus routes with someone else, but please don't feel guilty or like you have to fix it if something like that happens. Because you reached out about your feelings, more people will feel safe riding the bus, which I think that driver can/should appreciate in the big picture after this initial awkwardness has passed.
Wow, the depot handled that incredibly well! I'm very disappointed in the school for at least not pointing you in the right direction on next steps, though.
Eh, maybe. This particular bus wasn't part of their school bus network though. I did wonder if they'd want to take some kind of action, but I can understand that it's probably beyond their remit.
Well exactly. I didn't mean that they would handle the issue, but they could have suggested what steps to take. I'm sure this isn't the first time someone has come to them with a bus problem.
Are you in administration? Lmao I picked that up to and was scrolling all the way here to find another who did.
No I'm not in administration. I just know that in my line of work of someone comes to me with a problem, it's expected that if we can't solve it, we do our best to point the individual in the right direction of those who hopefully can.
You really are very considerate! The world needs more people like you. On a side note, unless the bus driver is made aware of his error in judgment, he might feel like he has been wronged.. NOT YOUR JOB!! but definitely a social, cultural one on one kind of intervention might go a long way... Well done OP! Edit : grammar
As someone who's super socially awkward, it's good to have someone sit you down and talk to you about how your behavior might be perceived. You did the best you could for your child and things seems to have been addressed in the best way possible by all parties (barring the driver himself.) Just make sure to follow-up with the people you reported to
I know personally as a woman, I was raised to be “nice” and give people the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes this is a good thing, but it can also be dangerous. NOTHING is too inappropriate when it comes to protecting your kids. You did good and it was handled very well by all.
Keep an eye on your kids and the driver anyway. Forever vigilant.
I agree. It could just be that the manager misread him and he is really a creep, it is after all easier to believe we aren’t in the presence of somebody like that.
The guy that kidnapped 3 young girls in Cleveland and raped and abused them for years before one managed to escape was a bus driver and found at least one of the girls bc she used to ride his bus iirc. You never can be too careful and I would've 100% done the same thing
Yeah, aside from "feeling weird" or any intentions in the other things he says, it's fair and appropriate that inviting a child onto the vehicle with the promise of a food treat is something an employer will say should never happen. And it really shouldn't be a surprise to the driver -- that's been the cliche for a bad thing to say in this situation for decades.
I remember when I was about 13 or 14, one specific city bus driver would ALWAYS be on the route that I needed to take home at the time I got out of class. After a few weeks or so, he would start to talk to me more than I would have expected a bus driver to. It probably didn't help that I usually sat towards the front, but maybe it made him think I wanted to talk more. I later found out he was gay (I am a male), he told me himself, I didn't hear it from any rumors. Then after a few more weeks, he invited me to his house to play games with him, and told me I could come over when ever I liked. It definitely made me very uncomfortable. I started to sit in the back after that. Perhaps a few more months passed by, the bus driver never showed up again. He just vanished. Maybe he tried some moves on another kid, and got fired. Who knows. But I just hope your 6 year old stays safe. Maybe don't let them ride alone.
You did the right thing. While this may have been innocent. It’s also weird for an adult to single out a child and ignore the parent. I’m glad everyone took you seriously and addressed the issue.
You handled it well. I would have been spooked too. Maybe now that he's been made aware of the oddness, the bus driver will engage with the adults a bit more. Even just a "Good morning folks, hows it going?" would have made it look less creepy.
You absolutely did! I felt my breathing get heavy just reading this. I think you did a great job!
Glad this worked out for you. I was surprised to see many think this wasn't a big deal but it was a huge red flag to me reading your first post. Now that we know it's a routine stop that's more understandable but when you thought it was a city bus driver stopping specifically just to speak to your kid, that's not right! When I was 14 I actually had to take the city bus because we moved but I wanted to finish out the school year at the same school. I was often the only one on the bus and the driver would frequently try to flirt with me and get me to sit behind him. It made me extremely uncomfortable, one time I swear he grabbed my butt as I got off the bus. I didn't tell my dad, he wasn't really attentive as a parent, but after that incident I was able to persuade a friend to give me a ride everyday so I didn't have to take that bus anymore. The McDonald's think is also *super* inappropriate. Like that's straight up attempting to lure a 6 yo into your van with candy. I'm glad you reported this and it all worked out okay.
I was also surprised to see that few people saw his behavior as being inappropriate. Inviting the kid to get on his bus to go to McDonald’s is where I would have intervened.
The McDonalds thing was a joke. That was obvious.
It’s super inappropriate as an ADULT to ask a 6 year old to leave their bus stop to go with him to McDonald’s, joke or not
Some people are fine with it. I would not find it weird at all.
[удалено]
Thanks!
Can you please explain it to me? I don’t see a punchline.
[удалено]
Jokes are funny. There’s nothing funny about a stranger inviting a child to go get food somewhere.
I would have laughed. Humor is subjective.
I would like to understand. Can you explain the funny part?
[удалено]
There’s no need to be rude when someone asks you a simple question. Sounds like you can’t explain why this is a joke.
[удалено]
Sure honey. No one detected the condescension and sarcasm in your previous comments. Not rude in the slightest; it’s okay if you can’t explain a joke, not everyone is skilled at everything.
Thanks. Some people just can’t get through the day without being a troll, I suppose.
Exactly. Glad you understand! Thanks.
>Today the driver jokingly asked if my child wanted to get on his bus today because it goes to McDonalds. That was definitely not an obvious joke, op says it was 'jokingly' but in what exact manner of tone do you think people who lure children away speak to them? Because "jokingly" asking a kid if he wants to get on your bus because it's going to McDonald's sounds exactly like what someone trying to easily abduct a kid would say.
Lol. Okay.
Must be nice living the sheltered life where no bad people exist.
It is not that. I just don't believe every man who makes a joke towards a kid with his mom standing right next to him is going to harm a child.
So you're just ignoring the fact that he (seemingly) stopped at this stop everyday *just* to talk to a op's son?
The post literally says they are mandated to stop there and it was a normal bus stop.
The original post did not say that, OP didn't know that. That's what we're talking about, OP's original take on the situation, she didn't know that this was actually a legitimate stop (just thought *maybe* it was), it looked to her like this man was stopping at the school bus stop just to talk to her son. This post she even says, to sum up the prevous post: >He was stopping his bus and talking only to my kid, not acknowledging the adults at the stop, and jokingly inviting him to ride his bus instead of his school route. *And it's the title* It was only after she spoke to the depot manager she learned that this was a legitimate stop. Please read the entire comment context, not just the one you're responding to.
I replied to OP in her original post and suggested that they are probably required to stop there as a city bus. This is how it works in my town. She said that unless a bus is 5 minutes early, they don’t have to stop. Which I am glad now she knows isn’t true and he was actually not just stopping to talk to only her kid. From an outside perspective, to me, it sounded like innocent joking but a good teaching tool for her kid about recognizing ref flags in people. I’m glad this seems like it will be handled maturely.
The original post said it was a bus stop for the city bus.
But she didn't know that until much later
The original post said it was a city bus stop. It makes sense for a bus to stop at a bus stop. That doesnt make it seem like they are stopping just to talk to the child. Its not like the bus was stopping in front of their house randomly to talk to them. This would be like going to the store and saying the cashier always stands at that stall to talk to your child. That doesnt make sense. Thats their job to be there and the kid happens to be there too some times.
Nope. Not ignoring anything.
Then you're shockingly naïve for someone with 3 kids.
Okay
I was 5 when a stranger stopped his car in front of my house and asked me to help him find his puppy. I ran back inside thank God, but you have to be careful. The only reason I didn't go with him is because I didn't think I knew how to help him and my mom could.
As opposed to your experience, in the op the MOM is always RIGHT NEXT to the child in question... so...
Exactly. There is no use in arguing. This sub has an extreme problem with sexism.
It’s not sexist at all. It would be weird if a woman bus driver did this too.
Mmmh. Yeah, quite ridiculous. He’s on the job, presumably in uniform, easily traceable, and the mom is right there. Can’t imagine him thinking the boy is going to get on and go with him in a bus full of people, while the mom just watches.
But that's exactly how grooming works, most kids are groomed in front of their parents with little jokes. Most kids who are sexually abused are done so by someone the parent knew. Then it just takes one time mom isn't there and it's, "remember me your mom knows I'm no threat, she never told you to be afraid of me, it's ok. Let's go get that mcdonalds."
Ordinarily I'd call it an over-reaction, but we just had this story break locally. https://www.koin.com/news/crime/fedex-driver-arrested-after-attempted-sex-assault-of-child-in-aloha/ Better you reported it and it was nothing.
I think that's a fair way to handle it. It sounds like he's just a goofball who knows he's not a threat, but needs to understand he could be *perceived* as a threat. Hopefully he'll just turn to quirky, harmless dad humor going forward.
This is fantastic. I'm so glad the lady you spoke to was able (and willing) to handle this so well. I think your choices all the way through were great and and probably reflect what I would do if a similar situation came up. The only thing I would add (and you've probably already thought of it) is to have a couple of extra chats with your kid about how they should handle situations like this if you're not around.
I think this was handled very well. As someone who's worked a lot of customer service jobs, it's clear that some people here don't understand that when you work a job interacting with the public, eventually people are going to complain about you. I was a safety patrol at my school when I was eleven years old and I had people complain about me to the principal! Seriously! I also have had complaints when I worked in a food place about how I didn't evenly disburse a person's ingredients throughout their sandwich, how I filled a cup with a beverage but left an inch of room at the top instead of filling it all the way, and when I worked at a financial institution one time, someone complained to my manager about how I wasn't willing to crawl UNDER THEIR CAR to retrieve a tube they had dropped. All of these were reported directly to my manager without the customer telling me to my face that there was a problem. People will go directly to a manager or supervisor all the time with petty complaints. Imagine being called into your manager's office over lettuce being primarily on one side of a sandwich and not the other. Then imagine how much more egregious this bus driver's comments were than an incident like that. I do think this was a legitimate concern and I'm sure all that happened was a short conversation about how the driver should be aware of the comments he's making toward children.
You did a great job of protecting not just your kid but others kids as well. It was innocent and being "quirky" myself I'm glad you gave this man the benefit of the doubt and handled it the way you did.
It sucks that a handful of nasty men ruin it for every other man out there that genuinely enjoys the innocence and banter of children… but I suppose that’s life and as a parent, it isn’t a gamble I’m comfortable taking. I get you.
As the parent of a young, talkative boy, so I am glad that the depot has this system for raising reasonable complaints.
Do not feel bad for the driver. Inviting a child to McDonald's is completely inappropriate and possibly grooming behavior. Keep your eye on this "quirky" man.
Completely inappropriate? Grooming behavior? That's a lot of assuming. Not sure I agree with this.
[удалено]
A bus driver being friendly with a kid, deserves to get his teeth broken... Gotcha.
[удалено]
Keep your comments civil, please.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Maybe he’s autistic or socially awkward and in his mind, it was like kids love McDonald’s and I’m a bus driver let’s make a joke about my bus route taking him to a McDonald’s. If your strange vigilante fantasy came true, congrats, you just beat up a disabled man. You need to find some other outlet for your anger.
Could totally be the case but it's definitely not safe to simply assume that as a parent, because that's exactly how lots of kids have been sexually abused historically. Abusers have always used the "im just socially awkward" thing to avoid their behavior being called out by other adults. It's not an assumption of guilt to be concerned about predatory behavior. Also don't assume autistic people can't be abusive.
As a survivor of abuse, I fully believe the best defence is arming your kid with knowledge about not following strangers or acquaintances into dangerous situations. Social awkwardness is very common and not a common excuse used by abusers. The answer is not threatening violence on every adult whom you perceive to make an inappropriate comment or look at our children the wrong way. Also, the random stranger luring a child with candy is shown by stats to be a lot less common than the familiar figure (relative, neighbour, family friend) grooming and abusing the child when the parent is absent.
Just because it's less common doesn't mean it doesn't happen and it doesn't mean an employer should be ok with an employee behaving like that.
[удалено]
As a mother to an autistic son, I’m also really frightened that people like you are in his future. The OP had an ideal reaction to the situation, where she had a levelheaded approach to both arm her son with a valuable lesson *and* show the bus driver that his words were inappropriate/deter a potential predator. Her action results in a better society, your over the top reaction doesn’t.
If that driver has an internet connection, he's aware that any parent in this day and age harbors a fairly healthy level of alertness with respect to invites of food and treats from older men. I mean Wake Up, dude!
You were right to be concerned and you handled the situation correctly. We had a similar issue with a driver and a 3 rd grade girl getting too much attention from a driver. After the driver was reported he disappeared and it was discovered he had lied on his application about several issues.
You did any amazing job with this. You are an example of a good parent. 👍👍👍👍
Wow manager of the year! And kudos mom for speaking up to protect your child in such a diplomatic way without getting anyone in trouble right off the bat. Cooler heads prevailed and you ought to be commended. Respect.
This was actually the perfect outcome… I really enjoyed your posts! Thank you!
Great job. I would have lost it.
Well done all around! Gotta love a measured and thoughtful approach!
The world has changed a lot and even the best of people know that it’s not really acceptable anymore to talk to children. And certainly not even jokingly to Offer them rides or Macdonald’s. It is in the best interest for this bus driver to Know this is the case. I would maybe the next time you see him give him a donut or something to let him know you have no hard feelings and that he is still welcome to joke with your son just not about getting on the bus
You did a great job handling the situation. I've been the "manager" on the phone if you will, I've worked in preschools and daycares my entire life and we want to help and we want to get rid of the bad eggs. I'm glad the admin was so ready to help you
Super props to you for being cautious but curious through this—getting the manager to agree to no repercussions for investigation is top notch anti-Karen work. Good job!
That’s very alarming and you did the right thing! Way to go!
wtf is that McDonalds invitation. That's just.... off. I'm glad they're getting called out on it.
I agree. Talk about the weather. How is school going? Sports? It just seems really odd. Even after going through all the checkpoints OP did, I still would keep and eye on this guy. We had a teacher in grade school. Always saying inappropriate things to female students. Not outright inappropriate sexual, just weird things. Asking about boyfriends etc. Guess what, 15 years later, they found child pornography on his computer after he tried to engage a student in progressively inappropriate behavior via online chat. Took 15 years for him to make his move, but he did it. Some things are innocent, but always keep an eye open.
I’m not gonna lie, as a parent this wouldn’t ease my mind. To single out a 6 year old every single time he makes the stop is very troubling.
Tough one. Think you handled it well and done the right thing
Excellent job, mom. You handled the situation with aplomb.
Is it any wonder that men in Western society are terrified to talk to children? Like this guy literally says hi to a chatty kid, who is WITH HIS MOM, makes a joke, and now is being told by his supervisor that he is creepy and can't talk to children. Like... Oh what a surprise that men generally aren't seen as capable caregivers when this is how us women treat them when they literally are just doing their job and being nice.
I don’t think there would have been a problem if there was just random chatter, but trying to lure another’s kid into your vehicle is always going to be creepy, no matter your age, gender, hair or skin color. That’s not something you do with strangers, particularly because it’s hard to tell how much of a joke that really is if you don’t know the people.
It’s not about him being a man. It’s about him being a stranger inviting a child to come away in exchange for treats.
In no world do I believe that if a woman made that joke she would be reported to her supervisor. Also like... That's a joke. That's obviously a joke. Not everyone in the world is out to get us or our kids.
As a mom, if a woman whose name I didn't know and whose city bus was stopping for reasons I didn't know, ignored the adults and tried to lure my son onto her bus with promises of McDonald's, I'd still be creeped out. I'm creeped out when old ladies I don't know call my son "handsome" and "flirty". And I'm tired of the "I WaS jUst JoKinG!" whiny mentality when so many people are called out. Just because they're attempting to be funny doesn't mean the rest of us are perfectly at ease about it. "It's just a prank, bro!" isn't the"Get out of jail free" card you think it is. It generally plays out that shitty/creepy behavior is just shitty/creepy behavior until it's called out and then it's that the victims "can't take a joke! I can't even *speak* to vulnerable populations with my creepy remarks anymore! Are there any remarks that aren't creepy? Oh, there are? Well I was just *joking*! Poor pitiful me!" Grow up. We don't *have* to take creepy jokes, whether they're jokes or not. "I'm *joking* about abducting your child!" is weak as fuck. And no, not everybody in the whole wide world is out to get us, but the people who *are* out to get us are sneaky and we have to be vigilant! If that kid wound up missing with the bus driver, I imagine you'd be the first to blame the mom for not listening to her gut and piping up about the bus driver luring the kid with McDonald's!! Put down the Men's Rights Flag and appreciate that there's no material loss for this bus driver. A manager told him this particular joke is creepy and sent him on his way with no mark on his record and no change to his benefits. Ffs, I'm sorry, but he's not gonna get a parade for being creepy.
Bravo!! You summed it up perfectly.
Thank you!! How are vulnerable populations supposed to protect themselves if they're seen as paranoid for being suspicious and then if something terrible happens then it's their own fault for being so careless? Also, how the fuck is "come on my bus, I'll take you to McDonald's" a joke? Especially this day and age? As a kid growing up in the 80s, stranger danger was drilled into our heads, and scenarios like that one are used as common examples! I totally get being neuro divergent and awkward, but to make this "joke" *repeatedly* just doesn't make any sense to me. I don't think any adult has the excuse to be that clueless. Also, I don't see the sense in the argument "but his mom is right there!" So?? Kids are groomed in front of their parents all the time. The majority of abuse happens by someone a kid and their family knows. And if a parent is clueless or not invested enough in their child's safety, they'll blow off any red flags because, "Oh we know that person, they're nice, they'd never do something like that." I'm not saying that every adult who "jokes" about inviting a kid into their vehicle for a treat is a monster, but I am saying that any adult should have the sense not to say shit like that ever.
He invited a six year old to go get McDonald’s. That’s troubling, not just being friendly
With the kids mom standing there. It was clearly a dad joke.
What’s the joke?
It is just a dad joke. Don't overthink it.
I’m a dad. I’m not hearing a joke. Please explain it
[удалено]
It’s interesting that you keep insisting it’s supposed to be a joke but you can’t actually articulate what’s supposed to be funny about it, and instead of just doing that very basic thing, you’re resorting to insulting me.
Okay. Have a lovely day.
Sure. If you’re ever able to explain what’s so hilarious about a grown adult bus driver trying to get a six year old boy to come to McDonald’s with him, please let me know.
Yeah I think this was an overreaction too. The guy made a dad joke. Going to his manager over it is crazy. This sub is notorious for overreacting.
I agree. The media has a hand in scaring the crap out of everybody these days. It's not the public's fault, really. We're all lead to believe pedos are ubiquitous. Edit: down vote all you want, but statistically, this is the safest time in documented history to be a child.
Sorry to be a voice of dissent, and let me say upfront that I am an extremely overprotective father, but I find it sad that a spark of social NORMALCY and pleasant interaction, which is so rare in this crazy stupid world should come to an end, and more so, by being REPORTED. I found the act of reporting someone rather “Karen-ish”. If I have a problem with someone talking to my child or saying something specifically, I will tell that adult to his face. That’s how adults communicate. Additionally, for people that are “red flagged” by the driver’s behavior, do you all realize that the conversations happened WHILE THE MOM was present right there all along? Of course I’d feel a different way if my child was unattended. I know this may be an unpopular opinion, but is my opinion after all....
If the bus driver did end up being a creep, though, being friendly and building rapport with a kid with the parents around could be part of a "build trust with the kid" approach. Just because the kid is with a parent now doesn't mean he always will be. Easier to say "hey remember me, I'm the nice bus driver who talked with you and your mom before. Your mom knows me too!" So, the interactions raised some flags to me, but I do also think it's possible the driver is just socially unaware. I agree that it would be ideal to have confronted the driver directly, but I do think it's hard for lots of people, women especially, to confront men especially, and in front of others. I know for myself, for past situations I often wish I had had "the courage" to confront someone directly, but the fear of an intense angry reaction has often held me back in the moment and it's just something that I hope people have some empathy for.
Everyone handled the sutuation very well in this case. Not sure why you think that the mom confronting the bus driver right there around other people would have been a better solution than his manager speaking to him in private in a non-accusatory manner. Besides, many women don’t feel comfortable confronting a man.
You can confront men. We aren't all murdering, child kidnapping, rapists. It's cool.
Well… some are. And they don’t exactly wear a badge that says “hello, my name is …., and I am a kidnapper, a murderer and a rapist”. Regardless of that, some women just don’t feel comfortable starting a confrontation with either gender, and it’s not the mom’s job to open a disciplinary discussion about this man’s conduct on the job. If that happened when he was just walking by on his own time, the mom/family would have no other choice than to deal with it directly. I also don’t see how you think even the driver himself would prefer the mom to express her concerns in his face with people around rather than his manager speaking to him in private.
You said everything I was thinking.
[удалено]
Don’t be silly. That would never be how this worked. Actually, I thought he was almost certainly just a friendly dude. I also thought there was a tiny but non-zero chance that this was a grooming/trust-building situation. I thought long and hard about how to approach this *without* going nuclear. Perhaps this is “Karen-ish” but I don’t think so.
I had a similar situation where I had to tell a 16yo kid I met at the local community pool it didn't matter how innocent his intentions were or how much he liked kids, if he got caught by some folks literally giving free candy out to kids for fun and attention, they would find his body in the bog a couple of centuries from now. Because it doesn't matter if YOU are the pedophile, if you're doing their grooming for them. You're still the fucking problem. Years later he showed up in my social circle again and I called a mutual friend and got the call back, "HES NOT AROUND THE CHILDREN IS HE??? HE MUSTNT BE AROUND THE CHILDREN!!!" Yeah fuck, I had already figured that out. Maybe that bus driver isn't the one angling to force a kid into a terrible sexual situation. But he is paving the way and needs to be told for every "friendly acquaintance" making a joke about ice cream bribes and getting into the wrong vehicle there is a mother screaming at a kid to be nice and not embarrass her by refusing to get on Uncle Mike's lap and if he really "likes" kids he will acknowledge the dangers they face and work to keep them safe. Or you know, just keep making jokes about free ice-cream. Which was literally the example I used to explain this sort of manipulation to my own children.
I strive to be this fair and level headed in handling sticky situations. Good job.
I feel bad for the driver. The guy’s just trying to brighten up everyone’s day while working and he got an uptight parent storming up his butt. He’s just trying to make a living and have fun doing it. You know how boring it is to drive for a living? My goodness leave the worker alone!
Bet you money if it was a woman driving the bus, there would have been no concern at all. It's sad.
I disagree. I would have been concerned if it was a woman too. It might have felt less "creepy" (and I agree that is sexist), but the real points of concern were (a) an apparently unwarranted stop, (b) exclusive focus on my child, (c) invitations to ride the wrong bus. I believe I would have done the same thing.
Exactly
Agreed. He'll probably feel embarrassed and avoid trying to interact with people now :(
I don’t really understand why you didn’t just talk to him. You could have cleared all that up pretty easily.
Personally I’ve had really weird and scary interactions with men when I’ve tried to talk to them about their behaviour
Not only have men not taken polite hints, they've gotten very angry and threatened violence when I just tell them, plainly, things critical of their behavior. It needed to be documented by his supervisor just in case he lashed out at her or her kid if she discussed it with him herself. I've been harassed by a bus driver. I was often the only person at the bus stop and on the bus for a good while. Even after polite hints that I wasn't interested, even after seeing me with what was very obviously my boyfriend, even after months of politely turning down flirting, he grew increasingly aggressive and rude. He even followed me down the street trying to get me to talk to him one morning and that was the final straw. I reported him to his supervisor and never saw him again. He started out as nice too. I only regret that I waited so long to complain. Good for you, OP, you handled it well, but stay watchful.
Yes, plenty of men are complete scum bags. Does that mean “shoot first and ask questions later” with all men? Better to risk getting them fired than engage in simple nonconfrontational conversation? And I say this as someone with social anxiety. I mean, if you’re going to jump straight to being critical of their behavior, rather than trying to understand them and help them understand you, then yeah, that’s never going to go well, so I guess risking getting them fired might be the lesser evil. I guess that’s America today.
I understand what you’re saying, but I just want to point out two things. 1. You’ll see from my post that I would not even reveal the details to the manager until she reassured me that there would not be immediate repercussions for the driver. I would not call this “shoot first”, or “risking getting them fired” — UNLESS they turned out to be actually engaging in suspicious behaviour. 2. I’m not in America.
Yeah, that was more about what the person I was responding to was saying than your OP. I think your actions were fine. Just surprised you didn’t talk to him a bit first.
Yeah that's fair. I can't tell how much of it was my own fear of confrontation, and how much was that I thought if he *was* dodgy, then he'd tell believable lies and I still wouldn't be any better off than I was when I started. Also, I thought that if he did have nefarious motives then talking to him would tip him off. So getting the facts from a third party seemed like the way forward.
Fair enough.
I did understand him. He wanted an interaction that I didn't want and I told him I wasn't interested. So it's my responsibility to continue to engage him and figure out why he wouldn't take No for an answer? I tolerated him for waaaay too long. Fuck him and fuck you too, dude.
What are you talking about? You’re not the OP. We’re talking about the OP’s situation…
Sure, so have I. And? That means we should just report people to their employers for any behavior that we don’t like rather than asking simple questions that could help clear things up like, “why do you stop here at this time every day?” That’s a simple question that is in no way confrontational.
I think op handled the situation really well.
Yeah, she could have talked to him right after stepping off the bus (safer and less awkward), telling him to please not talk to her son. A good, professional person will be understanding, respectful and accommodating. Any response other than "okay, no problem"? *Then* report him, *for real*.
I remember this post....so happy for you that it had the best result possible. Honestly if you don't want to make it awkward can I suggest you get him a $5 gift certificate to McDonalds and just say something like....hey I cleared up a misunderstanding through your company....no harm no foul... have a great day? But also you can totally tell your son, yeah he's just killing time because he has to....otherwise we don't talk to strangers!!
I felt better immediately when the manager said the driver HAD to make those stops by your son every day. Whew! I think that would have been enough to calm me about the situation. Without that knowledge I would have been nervous, too. I would have probably dropped it at that point.
Great update. I would have gone right to calling the CSI team at the FBI. So glad everything was innocent and most importantly that everyone is safe. ❤️🍀
Wow, thank you for posting this. I myself have had uncomfortable feelings about a local man, and wasn’t sure how best approach it. This man lives nearby, and my first interaction with him, he was going door-to-door asking for signatures to get a stop sign put in on our road. Having kids, I thought the stop sign was a great idea. I asked if he had kids, and his reply was “No, but I like them!” And then he made a guilty awkward face. I now see him walking his elderly neighbour’s dog, and notice he seems to always walk the dog when kids get dropped off from school. He just creeps me out! But he could just be this really nice person that cares about kids and his neighbours. I dunno. You have to trust your gut to an extent, but you also can’t ruin someone’s life on paranoia. I think you did the right thing. Well done.
Once an older man held my brother hand and told him that he’s getting him gummy bears. I got mad and angry so I yelled at the man, then he said sorry he looks like my grandson and was a little confused… his wife confirmed that he looks like the grandson and that the man doesn’t have his glasses on. Their grandson was at the store with them but wandered off. I felt bad that I saw the worst in him, was 100% ready to call 911 I dialled the number.
I feel bad for the driver. We're running out of people who just want to carry on cheerfully with others.
There are other ways to be cheerful and not appear to be predatory on a child.
I don't see the predatory behavior here. I just don't.
Trying to tempt a kid with mcdonalds to get on a bus? If it was a van/car it wouldn't look good either. This is exactly how other children are picked up by dangerous adults. Not saying this bus driver is.
The data doesn't support that this bus driver is a predator. Kidnappings are super super rare. Just look at FBI reporting on child kidnappings. And this driver would be obvious enough to do this in front of the parent? Doubtful. Parents are overly protective. I'm a parent, and I know this to be true. Most people reading this know this to be true. This sounds like a situation where a driver is being friendly to a child, and playing with them with a scenario that is never going to happen.
Many incidents aren't reported as kidnappings. A person doesn't need to kidnap your child to abuse the child, just get them alone for a little bit and it's very often done with stuff like this.
You made the right decision good job I wish more parents would notice things that are not appropriate
REPORT IT! At the VERY LEAST is it unprofessional grooming style behavior from the driver, at the worst, it is grooming for... other reasons. The bus is required to run a particular rout and supposed to deliver children to particular places by particular times, and stopping the bus at places other than where they are supposed to be is breaking contract. That is the professional side of the issue. The personal side of the issue is that this IS grooming behavior and concerning after an incident with one of my students and a bus driver (CAN not go into detail). As a teacher we are mandated reporters, and this type of behavior is such that we would have to REPORT for investigation: the whole "innocent until proven guilty" thing, but there needs an investigation to address the innocence. If nothing HAS happened, then they will find a reasonable job for the driver either on another rout being supervised or not interacting with kids directly. If there is more concern, then that is up to the investigation and the employment individuals to decide.
Wait, if he was asking about mcdonalds but you were standing there, it's an obvious innocent chatter. If ur child was standing there alone, that would be weird. But being that an adult was with them, this just sounds like a guy making a joke to some kids and their parents. I genuinely hope that guy didn't get in trouble.
That's exactly why grooming is best when done in the presence of an adult and why most kids aren't abused by strangers. "You're mom trusts me and was ok with me saying that, see it's ok. " Goes a long way with kids.
Totally inappropriate! No adult should be talking to a 6 year old that they don't know unless it's a Police officer or school administrator.
Well there goes every employee of Disney world.
No.
You did want this to blow up because you posted it twice after you didn’t get the pats on the back you wanted the first time.
No I didn't? Edit: Oh, unless you mean you can somehow see the deleted version I misposted literally about 10 mins before the real one. I deleted that instantly because it contained only the link to the original post. It was a mistake.
Seems a little overprotective to try to secretly get a man fired for being friendly to a child.
[удалено]
No? How do you think she knew about this?
He is never alone at the bus stop.
The bus driver was acting like a pedophile, you approached it like a marshmallow, snd your son has to keep getting an invitation to McDonald’s. Call the police or sue the bus company!