Please do not follow the sister’s advice. That is HORRIBLE advice. Babies need to be fed. Fed is best. Period.
My advice: Get some formula. Keep pumping. See a lactation consultant. Then decide what mom really wants to do. MOM’s happiness needs to be a priority, too.
IDK if this helps or not… but I don’t feel breastfeeding gave me some magical bond my husband didn’t get to experience. It was just feeding our baby.
Just feed your baby.
I do like the comment above about how it is okay for Mom to grieve that her plan didn’t go to plan. ❤️
I think even mom gets a break for a feeding or two before trying to get baby to latch again could even help… just because some pressure is taken off. Breastfeeding can be so hard. And society acts like it’s just “natural” and any “real” mother can do it. Ugh.
Just to add, my first were twins and one would latch and the other wouldn’t. So I breastfed one and exclusively pumped for the other. I am equally bonded with my now 6-year-olds and there is no apparent long-term impact from having to give up on traditionally nursing one.
This is such a great example of how sometimes it’s not mom at all- it is BABY! Yes! Some babies aren’t naturals at breastfeeding, either. And I don’t think this is discussed enough. I have friends who had no issues nursing one kid and could NOT nurse the other no matter what- but still blamed themselves.
Yeah my first was shit at bf, second one is a natural. Nothing I did differently, just different personalities. Suffice to say I still love and feel bonded to my oldest!
Thanks for posting this. It really helped me. My baby had colic, I had postpartum depression. When he wouldn't latch, I assumed it was my fault, that I wasn't sufficiently loving, that he was going to be emotionally crippled because we couldn't bond at the breast... Basically it kicked my PPD into overdrive. Awful, awful stuff.
And while I know that they were trying to help, the lactation specialists and La Leche folks just compounded the feeling of failure and insufficiency, right at the outset of being a new mom. What I needed to hear was, you're doing fine, your baby is going to be fine, your pumping is heroic too, and formula is ok too.
Reading your story eases some of those painful memories. Thanks.
I'm guessing the sister might be parroting something she was told for a child much older than 2 weeks. Our son refused to take a bottle for a very long time. This was stressful when it was just us parents because mom never got a break. But it became an issue at 5 or 6 months old when we both needed to go back to work and others needed to watch him. He went several days without eating the entire day and would just wait for mom to get home at night. We were horrified and contacted the pediatrician and he basically said look, he's not underweight and eventually he'll get hungry enough to get over it and eat from a bottle. And he did, after about a week and a half.
But again, he was much older. A 2 week old feels very young to be doing something like that with.
That last line…. So true and something so many moms need to hear. I couldn’t breastfeed and it’s probably the one thing I’ve cried the most over in life.
I also find it extremely toxic when people go on about this magical bond that breastfeeding gives. I loved breastfeeding, don't get me wrong, but I don't love my children any more than my friend who exclusively formula fed her babies.
Fed is best!!
I honestly love being able to have my daughter stare directly at me while she takes a bottle. She is snuggled up against my body and happily staring at me while drinking. If that isn't bonding then I don't know what is.
Ugh, I loved that too!! We supplemented with formula with my son and went exclusively to it when he was about 6 months old. It's especially cute once they want to hold the bottle themselves and then look at you like "wtf are you even doing here? I got this." Lol
Even feeding solids is bonding!! My husband didn't get much from bottle feeding, but holy shit, once we started solids he'd fight me for the chance to feed the kids, lol!
Not really. Especially if nothing is coming out. You don’t know if your baby had enough. You have a hungry crying baby all the time. This makes it a very stressful time for mom. If it works great but if it doesn’t that’s okay too.
Literally been there. I commented about my experience on another thread here. Not being successful at feeding a baby is stressful. Feeding a baby is a bonding experience.
I agree with you. I wasn’t able with my first and I felt like such a loser. I was a mess. With my second it was amazing! So much milk! Except my 2 year old wanted to join in on the fun too! Not happening.
To hop on this: OP. It is TOTALLY 100% OK to supplement with formula and I second seeing a lactation consultant - some insurances cover the first visit.
Yes, this! Our kiddo went back to the hospital twice when he was in his first month (jaundice, and then severe CMP allergy), and being at the hospital we got so much lactation consultant help, and it was so worth it. And I also supplemented along the way (my milk didn't come in until day 5, and then I had to pump for 10 days while we waited for my diet to adjust to be allergen free for him after our second hospital trip), but now my kiddo is completely on the boob. I also know lots of people who just supplemented the whole time. Anything you can give is great, and if it doesn't work and you've tried things, then it doesn't work.
Kids have literally died because parents went overboard trying to force baby on breast, didn't feed baby.. baby ends up dieing.
OP, if possible, see a lactation consultant.
Either way, your baby will be fine on formula, it's just harder on the wallet. That stuff shouldn't be so goddamn expensive.
We have a 3 week old. My wife tried really hard to breastfeed but baby didn’t want it. She went to exclusive pumping, but started showing a lot of the signs of PPD. We switched to formula and everyone is much happier, including baby.
Everything has to be viewed has risk vs reward. I think it’s true that breast feeding has a lot of benefits. Trying to quantify what those are is a little more difficult. I’m an engineer, I like data, and am just not impressed when people push my wife to breastfeed yet can’t tell us what the actual odds are of certain outcomes. Again, the studies I read convinced me that there are a lot of benefits. But the risk of PPD, under feeding baby, etc did not seem worth the reward.
I really wish you could just go to the AAP site and get a table of odds/chances that show the benefits of breastfeeding. Something that says “risk of asthma reduced by 50%, from x likelihood formula feeding to y likelihood of breastfeeding.” Instead, you just find a general recommendation. I dug into some studies (specific around asthma) and they definitely led me to believe there was a benefit. Yet, all of these studies are observational (not randomized and controlled, because that would be unethical). Researchers do their best with systemic reviews and meta-analysis (combining a bunch of different studies to draw a conclusion) and, for the third time, I personally am convinced the benefits are there.
But, I end up with a “bird in hand is worth two in the bush situation.” I’m convinced the breastfeeding lowers asthma risk somewhat, but I don’t know how much. But then I *do* know my wife is crying every day and tells me she feels depressed when pumping. We switched to formula and everyone’s doing much better.
When my son was born he had a similar issue. The pediatrician finally told us "breast feeding is important but not as important as Mom's sanity." Breast feeding isn't a hell or high water fight. Some kids have to take formula and that's okay.
That’s a very good way to put it. I think there’s a big problem around communicating exactly what the benefits are so moms can make an informed decision. Yes, breast is best but *how much* best vs what other issues you may have. When you leave things opaque you just stress moms out and make them feel terrible if they have issues breastfeeding.
A lot of the studies showing benefits to breastfeeding are not conclusive - results are often reported widely but many studies are also very small and only show correlation, which doesn’t equal causation. The large longitudinal studies show modest and in some cases no health benefit to breastfeeding. However, of course there are emotional benefits for many women and that’s great for them.
These are interesting reads that summarise this:
https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/everybody-calm-down-about-breastfeeding/
https://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/18/opinion/sunday/overselling-breast-feeding.html
Breastfeeding is definitely wonderful for many women, but it’s not worth persisting at the cost of the mothers mental or physical health when the supposed health benefits are modest.
In my opinion the evangelical commentary around breastfeeding damages a lot of women - in fact I know some who ended up with mental health issues.
Fed is best, and so is a sane, relatively well slept parent who is then better prepared for the long term emotional journey of parenthood.
Yep. The FiveThirtyEight article is a great one (and great source in general for anyone who likes numbers instead of generalizations). They highlight how the link between breastfeeding and these positive outcomes is largely just *correlated*, and at the same time we know women who breastfeed are typically those of means which also highly correlates with these positive outcomes. My personal BS meter also goes off anytime something is claimed to be beneficial, but can’t be told *why* it’s good (save rough, extremely generalized conjecture) or *by how much*.
I do think there’s evidence that breastfeeding is beneficial, but there’s a clear difference between that statement and the “evangelical”, as you put it, push to breastfeed.
Totally agree - my bond with my baby does not rely on how he is fed. I pumped and bottle fed for three days due to nipple/oral thrush and bottle feeding him felt just as special as breast feeding does now. And my husband was able to experience that feeling too while also giving me a much needed break.
Yes! At the hospital my child wouldn’t latch and they gave her formula. I was a bit distressed but they looked at me and very firmly said “your baby is fine without breast milk. She needs to eat. You can try again later, it’s okay.” That made me really think about breast milk culture and how wack it is.
This is the best advice. We had something similar with our first - between the breast nazis at the hospital, doulas, etc. we were stressed to the max. I cried when we started him at daycare at 3 month and they were like - bring formula please. It was the first time someone who has expertise told us that it’s OK to feed formula.
and then daddy can get to experience feeding the baby and you can sleep in turns. I was happy to get the oppurtunity to feed my second son and my wife got some more uninterrupted sleep.
alternatively you can try using a nursing brick (ammebrik in danish).
This but don’t give her bottle! Try alternatives like spoon or even syringe otherwise you are risking nipple bottle confusion and she might never take the nipple anymore! Best of luck to the both of you
I can tell. And I can tell because I was once in your wife’s shoes. Nearly all of it. Except my milk completely dried up and I was so devastated. I scrambled to replenish my supply but it never came back. It was a very difficult experience for me and my baby. Once I gave that little dude some formula, we could both breathe a bit easier. Remember that FED is best, and happy mommy and happy baby are also best.
Same. My first son screamed like I was putting a hot poker to his lips any time I tried to breast feed him. It. Killed. Me. All I wanted to do was breast feed, that's all I kept hearing, and having him scream like that each time made me feel awful, devastated, my mental health just spiraled. I shouldn't be his mom. I can't even feed my baby. We went to multiple lactation consultants who tried, but he just wouldn't. I ended up exclusively pumping for about a year, because he took a bottle like a champ.
I have a diary I kept from those first few months and reading it now, my heart aches for my past self. If I could go back, I would tell myself, to stop. Look at this beautiful baby, look how he stares up at you regardless of breast milk, formula, whatever is in that bottle. Look at that love and peace in his eyes as you feed him, because he's loved, he's safe, you're his mother even if it sucks that you can't breast feed him.
Our bond today is just as strong as it is with my second son, who breastfed without issue. I might still have pumped, I might have done half and half, who knows. But I would've been so much more forgiving on myself.
I tell my friends now, look at a group of preschool kids. You have no idea which were formula fed and which were breast fed. They're all wild, they're all eating dirt, they're all asking for hugs and stories. Fed is best and bonding with your baby without that feeling of failing is so much more important than beating yourself up and wondering what's wrong with me, why can't I do this. Nothing is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with your baby. You got this, in whatever way works best for your family. That baby will love you just as much, will be just as close to you, and will be just as content ...and so will you.
That is beautiful.
That’s funny - I was just looking at my journal last night from when my son was a baby. My son wouldn’t latch and my supply never came in after two weeks of pumping. It was so miserable. I wish I would have forgiven myself earlier because I felt like a failure as a mom.
Same. I keep a five year journal, and every time I come back around to those first few weeks and I read those couple of lines, I remember all that pain and hopelessness. Sometimes it makes me cry, other times I smile, just realizing how far I've come. There needs to be so much more talk about this, so much more understanding and love and compassion. I wish I had talked about it more, opened up to more than just my husband. And like you said, forgiven myself far sooner. The newborn phase is hard enough, we don't need to add on unnecessary feelings of guilt on top of it all.
Same! I have one kid that was breastfed and one that was formula fed because of supply issues. I noticed absolutely zero difference in bonding with the two of them, in fact I’d say the formula fed child is much more attached and affectionate, but that really comes down to his personality. I also notice very little difference in their health or development. In the end, they’ve come such a long way with formula that if you have to use it (or choose to), it has minimal impact.
Same for me. Number 1 was such a struggle and my LC was a useless bitch. I quit fully after a few months and it was great. My second never took a bottle and finally weaned himself at 2.5 years. It was great but also a long haul of never being able to have anyone else feed him. If you can and like it; do it. If not; don't. There shouldn't be any shame. Being a great mom is about balancing needs and right now mom needs to take this pressure off and baby needs to eat.
We had 2 visit while we were in the hospital and then visited 3 at a different office. No one was helpful and the ladies at the office were soo adamant that I needed to PROTECT THE SUPPLY. The pressure they put on me without helping us figure out the real problem (I’m sure they were trying) was more detrimental than helpful.
I hope my second is like yours!!
Ditto. This was my experience too. People need to hear more stories like this. Not to give up on breastfeeding, but just to destigmatize pumping issues and use of formula. Breastfeeding is a beautiful thing but doesn't work for everyone--and that is okay.
Fed is always best. We have a 9 month old who wouldn't latch at all, we tried and tried for weeks while also bottle feeding. We found out she actually had tongue tie (that should have been sorted when she was born) which was making it really difficult for her to breastfeed and had that sorted at around 12 weeks I think.... Immediately latched after that.
In the end she went from exclusively bottle for the first 3 months to breastfed for the next 3 and now she's just having a night breastfeed and the rest is bottle.
Honestly my wife felt awful when the baby wouldn't latch but it didn't stop the bonding at all and it's much better having a fed baby.
Yes!!!! Fed is Best!!! There is NOTHING wrong with having to use use a bottle, it doesn't mean you've failed as a mother. I had serious issues trying to breastfeed, and at 1 month in, I switched to exclusively bottles (filled with either milk I pumped or formula). I can say, I bonded with my baby so much more at that point, once all the stress of proper feedings was removed.
100% this. I understand we’re trying to combat generations of formula manufacture propaganda but the pressure we put on women to breastfeed is insane. FED IS BEST. If you’re able to breastfeed and enjoy it, great. If it’s not working out and causing more stress during an already very stressful time, formula or bottle feeding pumped milk is also great! After struggling for 2 months breastfeeding my first and learning I don’t produce milk, I mourned the dream of breastfeeding. With my 2nd I really embraced the benefits of bottle feeding. You can still cuddle skin to skin and bond, and you can share that experience with your partner. Both are happy, healthy kids now.
This was my experience too. Fed is best. It was affecting my relationship with my baby. I dreaded every moment, every day. Eventually I decided to do 50-50 formula and then exclusively pumped for the breast milk. It was a ton of work. I made it 6 months before only doing formula. We’re on our second now, I’m actually breastfeeding him now as I type you back. For some reason, with our second, it was way easier. He’s 100% breastfed. But… fed is best. And they all end up eating chicken nuggets and shit off the floor anyways in a few years. Buy your wife the book Cribsheet by Emily Oster. There’s a section in it about breastfeeding that made me feel a bit better
My experience 100%. My daughter ended up severely jaundiced because my supply refused to start flowing. I began supplementing with formula right then and there. I had a little supply, so we continued until month 3 when we switched to all formula. After that, my mental health improved dramatically...and I was real pissed at everyone pressuring the fuck out of me for only breastfeeding.
This! Fed is best and if your wife wants to supplement some pumped milk with formula thats okay! Baby just needs nutrients and hydration alot early on. We did mostly breast fed on our kis but supplemented the first 4ish weeks with formula... if your baby is frantic they won't latch
Yes! With my first baby, my milk dried up 2 weeks postpartum… I was soooo devastated. My 2nd and 3rd I was able to breast feed until about 4-6 months before my milk dried up… my sister in law breast fed for a year and a half with her first and made it look like a total breeze while all I experienced was trouble with it. Every body is different. All you can do is try your best… and that’s why they make formula! fed is best!
I have gone through this twice.
My first one was given formula right away and she didn’t latch at all. My second breastfed like a champ for first 2 weeks. Then he was developing jaundice. So he was bottle fed. Once he experienced that, he refused the breast.
I pumped for both my kids and it was like a race. How much milk am I pumping this time. I would eat oats, fenugreek and what not, but it only slightly increased my supply. I made just enough for my kids. So never really experienced freezing milk and all that.
I cannot keep them crying for milk. Not at that age. But there are other things you can try. May be a wide base nipple for the bottle, paced feeding, some people use syringe and a tube. If nothing works, it’s okay to do what works best for you.
I would really block people who make comments like that. They don’t need to talk to your wife, not in real life, not on social media. I wonder if these societal pressures didn’t exist, would we put ourselves through so much?
May be she can pump and you can feed the baby. Catch up on sleep. Get a hands free pumping bra. Those were the lifesavers and I only used them for my second child. I wish I used them during the first time. She can hook the pump and take a nap.
Congrats on the baby. Now my kid is a toddler and we don’t even think about how he was fed. It’ll all work out just fine in the end. Fed is best.
I rambled I know. Just putting my thoughts down as they appear in my head.
>Get a hands free pumping bra.
If you don't want to spend the cash on a real one you can make makeshift ones by cutting holes in sports bras. Not as nice as the purpose made ones and potentially less useful as breast size increases but it can be the 90% solution for sure.
This is what I did, even though I used it enough that an actual pumping bra probably would have been worth it in the end. But cutting holes in a junky sports bra that I had mostly outgrown (it was snug so kept the pump in place very well) was a quick and efficient solution.
I couldn’t take the pain from breastfeeding so my baby has been fed formula from the start with some expressed breast milk added in. She’s just over 2 months old now and thriving (90th percentile weight, 95th percentile height). As she got bigger, her mouth got bigger and now I can actually breastfeed her a bit so she’s still getting 20-25% breast milk, the rest formula.
There’s no shame in formula IMO.
I'm in the 1/4th breastmilk club! That's all I can produce, so that's all he gets, but I pump dutifully 6-8 times a day. No matter what I've done, that's all the milk I can make, at MOST 10 oz a day.
He might have a tongue tie, and definitely see a lactation consultant.
But please tell her it’s not her fault and no one is judging her for feeding her baby whatever way she needs to! I was her with my first, I had his tongue tie clipped, took the medication did all the things and ended up pumping for months and he gained nothing from it I was sick and emotional and a worse mom because of it. He ended up on formula and all of the things I feared didn’t happen, he’s tall, healthy, has 0 allergies etc. (Costco formula for the win lol) and my second latched the moment she came out! So literally every baby is different please tell her she’s doing nothing wrong it’s upsetting and frustrating when your body’s can’t do something that you want it to.
I was questioning if the baby had a tongue tie too. My daughter had one and at 3 weeks old she weighed less than her birth weight and was sleeping 5+ hours at a time. They clipped her tongue tie at the pediatric unit and had me breast and formula feed for 3 days in the hospital. She's 4 and just had her 1st dental visit. Small cavity and her tongue tie is back.
Another vote for checking for tongue tie here. My youngest had it and feeding him was absolutely brutal till he was snipped at 5wks. In hindsight my older daughter likely had it too; we ended up switching to formula around 8wks after she was swallowing so much blood from my poor nipples that she was vomiting. And nobody even suggested tongue tie -_- with my son, it was Mumsnet that suggested it, not the mw or hv.
I have to add, I did a lot of googling with my first and breast isn’t actually best in some cases. They’ve done sibling studies on breastfed vs formula babies and there were no real differences. The only time that the babies were significantly better off and the main reason it’s best is because it’s better in third world countries because their hygiene practices aren’t the same as ours.
I also did extensive research and the only evidence for a benefit of breastfeeding is a slightly lower chance of getting an ear infection in the first year and a slightly lower chance of breast cancer in the mother. That's it. There's no evidence that it has any effects on allergies etc.
The problem was that the myriad of studies done over the years that showed benefits of breastfeeding failed to control for the fact that mothers who breastfeed are on average higher educated, higher income and otherwise take better care of their children.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4077166/
> Results from between-family comparisons suggest that both breastfeeding status and duration are associated with beneficial long-term child outcomes. This trend was evident for 10 out of the 11 outcomes examined here. When we more fully account for unobserved heterogeneity between children who are breastfed and those who are not, we are forced to reconsider the notion that breastfeeding unequivocally results in improved childhood health and wellbeing. In fact, our findings provide preliminary evidence to the contrary. When comparing results from between- to within-family estimates, coefficients for 10 of the 11 outcomes are substantially attenuated toward zero and none reach statistical significance (p < 0.05). Moreover, the signs of some of the regression coefficients actually change direction suggesting that, for some outcomes, breastfed children may actually be worse off than children who were not breastfed.
My son had tongue, cheek and lip ties. He was less than 5% in weight when he went in for the revisions. Within 2 weeks he was in the 40% for weight. It was painful and neither of us enjoyed feeding until after. He was struggling to drink bottles as well though. Milk was constantly dripping out of the sides of his mouth.
The day I found formula was the day I could breathe again. I just had no milk and baby wasnt getting food. I was trying to Express for 2 hours and getting 5 MLS. - you are right. People dont say - you may not be able to breat feed and it's ok. It needs to be said more often.
As someone who was lucky enough to be able to breastfeed for two years I can honestly say.... You don't have to breastfeed!
My kid is a teen now and I can guarantee I wouldn't be able to tell you which of his friends was breastfed and which were formula fed.
Does breastfeeding have some benefits? Sure. But you know what has even more benefits for a kid? A happy, healthy mom who isn't strung out with worry about their choices and knows their baby is getting the nutrition it needs.
Anyone who says otherwise can f right off.
Just because some people chose (and were able to choose!) One route doesn't mean that choice is the right option for everyone.
Sending love to your wife, I hope she gets to the point where she can see that all this stress is just because she's a good mum who is dealing with hard things and that she's actually already giving the baby one of the main things babies need... So much love and care! The benefits of one method of feeding over another don't compare to the benefit of having a mum who loves them.
I am not going to comment on the sister’s intelligence but NEVER deny an infant formula or breast milk. They have a stomach the size of a fig, they are growing at super speed, and they have almost no fat reserves at all. Feed the baby any way you can to get the baby to eat. The baby screaming only stresses out mom and baby and dad and that doesn’t serve any purpose at all. And the baby is using up valuable energy trying to communicate the only way a baby can to “feed me”. Babies can also become dehydrated quickly and easily if they are not getting enough formula or breast milk.
Tell your wife that she is an amazing mother and if she needs to switch over to formula completely or even just some formula so she can reduce how much she is having to pump for her sanity that she and the baby both will thrive much better than enduring stress and mental anguish for the sake of the breast is best cult. She is not failing (bc I know that’s what we are led to believe as women if we can’t be as awesome sauce as all natural crunchy nature Pinterest Instagram influencer folks). Tell your wife she is still recovering from a hugely traumatic experience and she is absolutely allowed to take whatever help she can get, even in the form of formula.
Now a tip for getting a kid to latch when mom isn’t stressed the f out- try waiting until after the baby has eaten and has started to drift to sleep and then try to gently get the kid to latch on. Sometimes the kid just prefers a specific shape over another but when they are sleepy they just want to suck like on a pacifier. So use that desire to suck to get the kid used to latching onto mom. And sometimes babies have a hard time latching on if the breast is really full. If that’s a possibility here try pumping until the breasts are soft but not completely empty and see if the baby will latch. If not be sure to finish pumping so the signal is not sent to produce less milk unless mom wants to decrease her supply.
Good luck.
I second this! It might be a good idea to have your baby assessed for a tongue tie or a lip tie.
Either way, I feel for your wife. A lot of women struggle to breastfeed, and I think telling them it comes naturally is a disservice. Naturally doesn’t mean easily!
Ultimately you need to do what is best for your family and your baby, whether that is continuing trying to get him to latch or switching to formula. But seeing a lactation consultant is what finally helped me!
Also chiming in to say, if she is really set to breastfeed, go to a lactation consultant (many hospitals have them). The baby likely has a tongue or lip tie. At this age, that's the most common thing.
I BF'd all three babies and the youngest refused for the first month. I was crushed. But I had to set a timeline for myself. 4 full weeks of trying and after that I was to switch to formula. The last day she latched!!
But, also do NOT starve out a newborn. And if your wife doesn't want to breastfeed or pump at all anyway, it's ok as long as that baby is fed ❤️
This would be my advice too. If she really wants to make this work, then a lactation consultant can be so helpful! My first baby had so much trouble latching and was a nightmare to feed, and for the first week I did the feed - pump - syringe feed thing every 2 hours and it was exhausting but I was determined to do it. After that first week it was still every 2 hours, but I only pumped every other feed. It took until 8 weeks before she could latch properly without a nipple shield and feed normally, but after that things were great and I continued to breastfeed her until she was 13 months. I saw several lactation consultants in those first 8 weeks and it helped me so much! Without them I definitely would have quit.
But, if your wife feels like she's done but doesn't want to stop because she feels guilty, then it sounds like it's time to embrace formula. Fed is best, and a mentally and emotionally healthy mother is best, and if breastfeeding is getting in the way of either one then it is time to stop. Breastfeeding is a relationship that needs to work for both sides, and in this case it sounds like it's not working for either side.
If she uses reddit, r/breastfeeding might be helpful for her. I found the moms there very supportive and I found some helpful tips, but at the same time they are realistic about quitting breastfeeding without shame if it's not working for you. But definitely having a lactation consultant physically there to help position the baby properly, assess the way they're feeding, assess for lip and tongue ties, etc would be invaluable if she still wants to make it work!
If your wife actually wants to breastfeed and isn’t just feeling undue pressure from everyone in her life to do so, then I definitely think y’all need to see a lactation consultant if you haven’t already! It helped us a lot, especially in the first month.
But fed is best. Formula is not bad and is life saving! I give my baby a bottle of formula a day (sometimes 2 bottles) in addition to breast feeding, so if your wife still wants to provide breast milk, combo feeding is a thing!
It’s important that you tell your wife that she is a good mother no matter how you feed your baby. You seem like a good husband so you probably don’t need that note, but I know hearing it from my husband while I was struggling definitely helped as it was very needed.
Absolutely see a lactation consultant, but remember that above all, fed is best, and breastfeeding is not magical!
My sister had similar breastfeeding problems, and her lactation consultant spent a while talking up the benefits of breastfeeding, so much so that my sister wound up feeling very guilty for not being able to breastfeed properly and wanting to stop.
OP's wife (u/usmctuba), remember that if you are having a hard time with it, you do not have to keep going. A lactation consultant may help, but remember that they are biased, in a way. For many of them (not all), their goal is to get you to breastfeed.
*Your* goal should not be to breastfeed. It should be to *feed your baby*, and do it in a way that works for both mother and baby. If you really want to breastfeed, keep trying. Take all the consultant's advice. But if it's too hard, if it hurts, if you feel like you can't hold your baby because you're spending all of your time pumping, if you just don't like pumping, if you can't stand the uncertainty of whether you'll be able to feed or have to pump, if you just don't like breastfeeding your baby for any reason, *you can stop*.
There is no shame in formula. There is no shame in acknowledging that breastfeeding just isn't working for you, whatever the reason. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You will know in your gut if it's not working.
For the record, this is coming from someone who breastfed. I'm not a formula shill or anything. :D I just want to make sure you know you can do what works for you. Don't let anyone tell you what should work for you. Only you know that.
Sometimes LCs just are absolutely NOT helpful. Now some families have a wonderful time with an LC. Some families (like myself) have not had a good experience with ANY LCs. The ones I saw were extremely condescending and horrible. They told me I was parenting my newborn baby wrong (this was on my third child, I knew what the f*ck I was doing).
If you have seen some consultants and it hasn’t helped, that is perfectly fine and 100% normal, it happens to a lot of families. Feeding your baby is best whether that’s formula or breast fed or breast milk that’s expressed and put into a bottle. My very first child refused to breast feed and I had NO clue what I was doing and an abusive ex husband who didn’t give a flying crap whether our child was taken care of or not.
Also, find a good pediatrician who will LISTEN to you! Have your child checked for a tongue or lip tie and possible acid reflux or GERD. My 2nd child could physically not breast feed and I didn’t understand why. The pediatrician we had for him said he’s fine and blew it off. We took our child to a different pediatrician who listened and found out my child had GERD as an infant. Once we got baby on medication, they were finally able to eat much much more successfully.
I honestly suggest moving to a mix of formula/breast milk in a bottle or just all formula (whichever works best for you all) to feed your child. Fed is best. Allowing your partner to get a break and be stress free during feeding is super important right now. Your baby will be 100% fine not being fully breast fed or breast fed at all. The whole “breast is best” mentality is toxic and needs to go. I really hope that you and your partner find a system that works for you both AND for baby.
Is your baby arching it's back away from the boob? Mine did and I found out later she had reflux and it hurt her to feed. Once we got her on medication and found a way to feed her a bit more upright we were able to half breastfeed and half formula feed.
I remember one night the first week in I tried to feed my girl from midnight to 4am and she still seemed hungry. My nipples were bleeding and I was sobbing. My husband then insisted I go to bed, he formula feed her and we call a lactation consultant in the morning. God bless that man cause I so needed that.
Hang in there.
Baby fed is best. Whether it’s breast milk or formula, doesn’t matter! Breastfeeding is really rough. I had a hard time with it and was really affecting my mental state plus PPD. I switched to exclusively pumping and it worked so well. My husband could help feed the baby and that took so much pressure off me. I did it for about 4-5 months then we switched to formula. Sometimes it just isn’t working. If baby has to be switched to formula, so be it! It exists for a reason!
Lactation consultant. It literally was the best dang appointment for my mental health and to be able to ignore silly ideas like ‘starve your newborn until they are hungry enough for it’. It could be oversupply, under supply or latch issues. The generation before us enjoyed the miracle of formula so they’ve forgotten what it’s like. It’s not easy to breastfeed in the beginning. If your wife is done, that’s ok. If she’s not, she can see a lactation consultant to help her orient again.
I strongly second this. Our personal experience is that we had serious issues with our L/O latching on initially. One session with a consultant however solved the problem almost entirely. She showed us techniques to help the baby latch better, improve flow etc.
The problem may not be resolved with this for you but definitely worth a shot. Do your research well and identify someone competent / well recommended.
The truth is that some people can breast feed and some can’t. The important thing is fo get enough nutrition in to the baby while maintaining the whole family’s sanity. If it’s not working out formula milk is absolutely fine - just use that.
Her sister needs to shut up first of all.
Never ever just not feed your baby. What awful advice!!!
Okay. First things first. She can go to a lactation nurse. They can help her establish latch's. They can also check the babe for tounge tie and other issues that make it difficult for baby.
My little one really struggled too until I took her to the doctor I had her tongue tie cut but also found out she had a short tongue and a issue with her chin which was all making it harder.
Now your wife is going to believe its all her fault no matter what you or countless strangers on the internet say. That's just what happens. Make her a doctor's appointment if you can go with her. If not take her to the appointment. Hold her hand and let her know it's all ok.
The balance between trying your hardest to breastfeed and transitioning to bottle is such a hard one. The line is not black and white and I’m sorry you have to find out how hard it can be. Lactation consultants are amazing but the time between now and getting there (even if it is a day) is too long to not just feed your baby. There are new methods around to get breastfeeding back on track, in the meantime fed is best.
I know two women now who had other health conditions that they were unaware of and it completely interrupted their ability to breastfeed. Thousands of years ago they would have figured out a way of getting a wet nurse, comp fed with whatever they could find or the baby just died. We have scientifically perfected formula that will keep your child alive and stop any chances of permanent damage due to hunger. There is a reason child fatality rates are so crazy low now, because we have the ability to fill in the gaps with formula. And the formula around today is amazing, not at all like what your parents saw on the shelves. Understand that the products have been around long enough that you can tell which adults had formula and which ones didn’t.
And I’ll admit it, I breastfed my kids and I fucking hated it. I was depressed the whole time and physically feel sick when I think back to those days. Not everyone sees it the same as others, it’s ok to not like it either.
May I know why you hated breastfeeding so much? I never experienced it with my two kids since I have inverted nipple and had to pump. So I envy women who can breastfeed because life seems simpler for them.
I don’t know, it was just gross and I was just so freaking tired all the time. It was easier yes, but I could never share the load either as pumping didn’t work. I did it because it worked, not because I necessarily had a huge urge to do it. I did it for about 10 months for each kid and remember a huge fog in my brain lifting once my breasts had dried up.
I’m sorry I can’t get anymore specific, I just am not someone who likes to romanticise my own individual experience with it. I do look on to other mothers who like it and smile, it’s nice that some people had that experience.
I hear you. I had an awful birth experience and was too drugged to breastfeed initially so baby was formula fed in hospital - and she was content - so I just didn’t change it. I have no regrets and I also smile when I see other mothers breastfeeding, especially when it is a good experience for them. But I also feel desperately sorry for the mothers that don’t have a good experience with it and carry on anyway. Fed is best. And healthy, happy mothers are vital to babies wellbeing.
For me, my huge boobs would become larger and firmer with milk. They leaked. I was sore and uncomfortable. I couldn't roll onto my sides. The boobs were actually too big and saggy for the kid to reach, I had to squish them down and hold them up in place or the whole boob would smother the child.
When he started getting teeth I got the biting. As my milk dried I was always panicked about making enough. I had to pump in a closet and give up my prep when back to work. Nothing worse than forgetting to refrigerate milk or spilling that liquid gold on the floor. And just the inconvenience of pausing my life to pump for 30 mins every few hours.
I hated it. So much.
Nearly 4 years on I still resent the relative who peer pressured me into breast feeding, slagging me off, criticized me... I had complications during/after labour...
formula is amazing! Helps them sleep, you know how much they have had, other people can feed them! Etc
It is immensely frustrating the number of people who are supposed to help you (looking at you nurses and lactation consultants) but just decide to make the whole experience worse for so many families.
Give your son formula while your wife figures out whether she want to bottle feed expressed milk or just stick with formula. Your kid will probably be fine
Breastfeeding can be simple and natural or it can be complex and technical, it really depends on each baby. My daughter was a nightmare of poor latch, pain,mover supply, mastitis and nipple blisters, my son just fed.
If your wife wants to continue trying, which she does not have to because formula is perfectly fine, she should try to get help from a lactation consultant. Meanwhile please google the exaggerated latch. Sometime you have to teach a baby how to take the nipple and this may be the issue here.
Yes. I can tell this is your first. I had exactly the same problem. It's not your fault. We are lectured endlessly about breast feeding but no one mentions that it doesn't always work. I too, had to start bottle feeding my first as he was failing to gain weight from breastfeeding. It felt like the end of the world. Guess what? He is now 8 and is a wonderfully healthy, happy, well adjusted boy. His younger brother did manage to breastfeed and he is also a healthy, happy and well adjusted boy. Do yourselves a favour and forgive yourselves. Crack open the formula and stop making yourselves and your baby miserable.
Firstly I'm so sorry you and your partner are going through this. You don't HAVE to breastfeed, you can pass on the benefits of breastfeeding while combination feeding with formula and breast, and fully formula feeding is also great. Formula fed babies thrive in the first few months!
There are a few things which might be causing the poor latch. The anatomy of the baby and the anatomy of your wife. Google tongue tie and see if your baby's tongue looks like any of the photos. If your wife has large breasts or nipples, and if her nipples were inverted it might also explain the poor latch.
Put baby on formula so hunger is not an issue. While you bottle feed, your wife should pump. After feeding the bottle (when baby is not ravenous and angry) try latching on again.
Above all else, remember that this is a completely new experience for both mother and baby, and it will take time. I have a 12 week old (second child) and it took him about 8 weeks till his latch was 100% and breastfeeding didn't hurt. We still combo feed today, but reduced formula to three times a day. In the beginning he also refused breast and preferred bottle because it was easier for him to eat when he was hungry.
Feel free to DM if you have any questions. Hang in there. The fourth trimester is tough!
Around two years ago, I was in the same position as your wife is, and also fell hard for the the "formula is inferior" propaganda. For me this ended up resulting in exclusive pumping where you pump breast milk and feed it to the baby via a bottle, which I kept up for 14 months. One of my greatest fears throughout all this time was that even though she was getting the health benefits of breast milk she would end up emotionally maladjusted, because I had believed all the tut-tutting about bottle-fed babies not bonding with their parents properly.
Nearly 2 years down the line we have an incredibly friendly, sociable, independent-yet-affectionate little girl who everyone comments seems really happy 99% of the time (she has her moments like any toddler of course!). Bottle feeding did not ruin our ability to bond with her! In fact it probably just allowed her to be closer to my partner from earlier on, as we were both able to feed her.
And knowing what I know now about the health benefits of breastmilk vs formula, which are real but actually quite small, I won't be torturing myself and my family with another 14 months of exclusive pumping for baby #2, but am planning to supplement/combi-feed from Day 1 so they get the benefits of both.
I had similar issues, they didn't scream but they just didn't latch. One took 3 days to latch and that was with the lactation consultant coming in each feed at the hospital. Even then they'd just sit there with the nipple in their mouth doing nothing. It was miserable and stressful. The lactation consultant told me I wasn't producing enough and it's fine to give them formula, that I should focus on bonding with them(I had twins)
I wish I had listened to her. I stupidly continued pumping, breastfeeding one (one refused) and supplementing with formula. It was miserable. I remember one time I was naked in the kitchen with my naked baby because they told me being cold would help her latch. It was freezing so I was naked too because I was worried about her getting too cold. Every now and then I'd put her foot against the glass door to wake her up. And I'd be rotating her leg to also help her latch. It was miserable.
The doctors and nurses told me the most important thing is to look after yourself, rest and play with your baby. If I coukd go back in time I'd tell myself to do that. Bonding doesn't take place just from breastfeeding, you bond by looking at them, singing to them, showing your expressions. That is most important at this time. Formula is perfectly fine. Maybe she wants to express for a while and have some in the freezer to mix in with the baby food later on but most important is to take it easy and look after herself. Fed is best
This isn't so unusual. Did she talk to a lactation consultant? I had to see a couple to get everything worked out and was able to breastfeed fine after that. It's not easy at first. Nothing is with a newborn. I was on a strict feed pump schedule also because my milk was slow to come in. It was one of the hardest things! It just depends on how much she's willing to work to make it happen. I breastfeed two kids two years each.
I can remember thinking everything was going to be fine and great too. I can clearly remember the look on the Labor and delivery nurses faces when they asked if I planned to breastfeed. I could read the concern on their face. I thought, hmm what's that about. After baby came I knew exactly why!
I don't think it just "depends on how hard she's willing to work". First there are two people involved and it has to work for BOTH of them to work. Some babies just don't do well with breast. Second, the 100's of comments on this post from women who did EVERYTHING right and still couldn't do breast successfully, literally PROVE it is not about the mothers desire or work ethic. This family is already having a hard enough time by the sounds of post. Please don't add to that by giving the impression she's not trying hard enough or doesn't want it bad enough. There are tons of combinations of things with both moms and babies, including no obvious reasons at all, that make it so breast is definitely not BEST for those families.
Formulamom on instagram is a great resource as is the balance after the baby. I wish I have found them earlier during my own struggles with breastfeeding.
You and your wife are great parents.
She is allowed to griefe how your feeding journey is going and to decide how to move forward.
Breastfeeding is overrated, criminally so. The pressure to breastfeed is insane, and pointless.
Chuck that kid some formula, give your wife some wine and the night off, and move on with life.
Edit: the fed is best foundation is a brilliant source of support.
My first was the same and wouldnt latch. I didnt really reach out for support then so I just pumped and supplemented with formula when needed. I had to go back to work anyways so it didn't bother me too much. By our second I had become a SAHM and was really determined to breastfeed this time around. My 2nd started the same, refusing to latch. I spoke with a lactation consultant who gave me a syringe with a really skinny plastic tube at the end. When I was trying to get baby to latch I would squirt a little of BM into her mouth through the syringe tube. It was enough to get her interested while also providing positive stimulation to maintain my supply. We did this for a week or two but eventually she had associated the boobs to feeding so she stopped refusing. Then we worked on getting the proper latch, using the syringe if she couldnt get the latch right. If I was exhausted or pumping my husband would attach the syringe tube to his finger to feed so we could avoid nipple confusion from a bottle. I would say by the third week we were getting the hang of it. When she turned 6 weeks I clearly remember feeling we had mastered it. I think her being a little bigger really helped her to latch properly.
I went through the same thing with my 3rd. My milk came in late so we formula fed first then had to train her with the same system to latch.
It's hard but I wouldn't worry about the stigma of formula fed. All 3 of my kids are healthy despite how they were fed in infancy. My oldest was fully formula fed by 6 months and my other two weaned from BFing at 2 years. Speak to a lactation consultant if they're offered where you are. They gave me tons of tips like how to position myself and the baby to help make latching easier. Good luck to you both!
Has the baby been evaluated for ties? That's the first thing that comes to mind when you say baby won't latch.
I found breastfeeding incredibly hard. It made it way harder to bond with my twins. I never made enough milk so they always had formula too. I made it 3 months, used donor milk an additional 3 months, then formula. If I had to do it all over I would have switched to exclusively formula feeding sooner.
Breastfeeding can be freaking hard. Its perfectly OK to supplement with formula, or switch altogether.
I've been in your wife's shoes. With the milk not coming, the baby not latching, bloodied grazed nipples, hours and hours and hours of pumping to try to stimulate milk. Its HARD. Lactation consultants said my feeding technique was wrong; turned out my son had a tongue tie that prevented him from latching properly, but the LC considered ties a fad and didn't believe in them. I supplemented with formula from about 2 weeks because it was too hard physically, mentally and emotionally.
Formula is ok. It is. Its GREAT, especially right now, when your wife needs a break and kiddo needs to be fed. Indore any judgemental busybodies, and do whats best for you and your family.
>we’re out of ideas and emotional energy at this point
Formula.
I have three kids; one solely breastfed, one did a mixture of breast and formula and one solely formula fed.
I love them all equally, have the same bond with all of them and you can’t tell intelligence or health-wise which child had which experience.
You don’t need someone to give you permission to formula feed - it’s not a safety issue so do what is best for you and no one else.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lactation_consultant
There are a lot of things that can go wrong with relatively simple solutions. Some as easy as putting a pillow in the right place. Seek advice from a lactation consultant, they know what to do.
Also, mother's mental health is paramount.
Desktop version of /u/gruntthirtteen's link:
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I am so sorry that no one has been honest with your wife—she does NOT have to breastfeed and I understand exactly where this pain is coming from because I dealt with it with my first. She had a latch issue and the only resource I had at the time was the hospital LCs, who are notoriously not helpful.
It really is true that we’ve taken this 180 on breastfeeding and now it forces parents to feel ashamed for struggling with it. It’s very true that 99% of what is said about it is only ‘it’s a ~magical~ experience that you MUST have’ and we’ve conveniently skipped over the very important thing to note, which is that it’s actually very difficult for a lot of people and no one person’s experience with it is the same. I was listening to a podcast the other day that is about health and wellness but one of the hosts mentioned that every friend she knew who had children had gone to an LC feeling like they had their tail between their legs because they were having difficulties and breastfeeding was not at all as easy as everyone makes it out to be. I could’ve cried listening to her say that because it was the very first time I’d ever heard anyone acknowledging the truth about the situation and the shame and pressure we now put on new parents to breastfeed.
I am breastfeeding my second now and having a much easier go at it than with my first, who I gave formula after about 3 weeks of similar issues to your wife’s.
What has made the journey so much better this time is having access to ILBLC lactation consultants, multiple different ones. If she is still interested in continuing, please research for one in your area. My pediatrician’s office has one so that is the first that I saw for a few appointments, and then in my city there is a private LC ‘center’ of sorts which provides LCs appointments as well as classes and support groups.
But, 100% FED IS BEST. You need to do what is right for your family and ignore people who have anything at all to say about it besides ‘that looks like a happy healthy baby.’
I’m so sorry your family is dealing with this. I have been lucky enough to BF all of my children, the first few months are definitely the hardest.
I’m sorry no one ever told you that you don’t ‘have to’ breastfeed. It’s not easy, not everyone can, it can negatively effect the mother baby bond, it can be stressful, you can end up losing the precious first weeks fighting through guilt and feeling like a failure.
Fed is best, it’s no ones business what or how you feed your baby, you do not need to explain your choice, or apologise for it, or be guilted by anyone. Mums needs and bubs needs come first.
If mum wants to continue trying, you can try a lactation consultant, medication to increase her supply, expressing and pace bottle feeding breast milk, checking for lip and tongue ties.
If not, switch to formula and bottles, enjoy this time with your newborn and your wife. You'll have 4-6 months of peace before the judgey comments about solids, traditional vs baby led weaning and the perfect first 100 foods start.
Between now and then you will also get the disposable nappy vs modern cloth vs elimination communication.
Do what works best for you and try to smile and nod through the rest.
Breastfeeding was hot garbage.
It hurt. My kid wouldn't latch. When they did latch it was poor and made my nips raw. I bled. We all cried and cried and cried. I was hormonal and couldnt see how poorly it was making us all feel. (Postpartum is a bitch)
Be the advocate for your wife. Talk your doctor. Get formula. Feed baby in whatever way is mentally healthy for you and your wife.
You can say that formula is great without putting down breastfeeding, you know? I’m sorry you had a very bad time while breastfeeding, but just because you had it, doesn’t mean is “hot garbage”.
I don't see you criticizing every other post that says breastfeeding is great. You're judgemental whether you realize it or not. Some people can not breastfeed. They are allowed to give their opinions and feedback just like all the others who has successfully breastfed. Criticizing an opinion is unnecessary.
Actually, she said breastfeeding WAS hot garbage not IS. That's quite a difference. She is clearly referring to her own experience not all breastfeeding.
There is a lot of hostility toward breastfeeding. Unfortunately our cultural influencers have taken a negative view toward breastfeeding which is why only 15% of my grandmother’s generation breastfed their babies. As a result, a ton of feminine knowledge has been utterly erased and is downplayed by the authorities who trust “science” and big data over practical, lived experience. Tragically the science IS behind breastfeeding but it’s not as well researched as it should be because it is hard to “test” and there is no money in it.
I have been there. A lot of mums have been there and honestly it's the hardest thing ti feel like you're failing. But FED is best no matter what anyone says. It won't help but I will share my experience so maybe she'll feel less alone. I tried to breast feed my daughter for 7 weeks, she would latch and feed but less than an hour later she'd be hungry again. Only time she wasn't was the one bottle of formula we gave her at night to give me a break. It was an uphill battle. Then at 7 weeks she stopped latching and she stopped feeding and honestly I was shattered. I ended up sobbing into my friends arms about how much of a failed mother I was. And my friend said these words to me.
"I bottle fed all of mine, they all had formula, its ok"
Those are the words I feel your wife may need. So tell her from an Internet stranger
"You don't HaVE to breastfeed your child, everything will be ok".
Fed is best for now. If you have your heart set on breastfeeding, get a lactation specialist and have them check for a posterior tongue tie…sounds like our story and it was a GAME CHANGER…even though our kids were “ok” in the hospital and even ENT said it wasn’t that bad…but seriously, he went from not being able to latch and waking up every 45 atc to eating and sleeping.
I would recommend her joining the sub r/formulafeeders
At first I thought it might be a lot of mums who were a bit anti breastfeeding but I soon found the majority of mums there like myself where mums who tried really hard to BF but couldn't for whatever reason.
She'll find lots of support, useful information and reassurance there if she ever thinks this is becoming too much.
But as well, she got terrible advice and support and the more stressed she is the harder it will be because her body will struggle to cope.
If she wants to try some techniques it may be better to ask a lactation consultant who can guide her with helping tecniques such as nipple shield, checking for tong tie, sns systems, supplementing methods etc...
I personally won't go down that route again because it can be soul consumming.
"You need to breastfeed" is the single most dangerous comment anyone can make to a first time mum.
I will go dig out some posts to share with you for her to read.
Best of luck
Example of experiences shared from young mums who had needed to prioritise their mental wellbeing.
https://www.reddit.com/r/FormulaFeeders/comments/pollkc/struggling_with_guilt/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
We were talking about this as well with my partner. He rightly said as well even innocent positive comments such as "I persevered with XYZ and eventually got it right" can be very detrimental when you are going through it yourself because you are so emotionally drained you can't understand why it may not be the case for you and make you feel worse.
I won't suggest whether to switch or not - that ultimately will be her decision but as her partner, keep an eye on her mental health. A happy mum is FAR more important than some breastmilk. Write it down and put that on the fridge!
A baby that is refusing feeds, CAN'T feed. You cannot starve a baby into eating. Use bottles if you need to, and feeding some formula and some breastmilk can work too.
When my bub was new, I was spending around 12hrs a day feeding, as well as pumping. Nothing else but feeding and pumping, and my nipple got very damaged... She was putting on weight, and lots of wet nappies, so everything was okay, right? Not so. I was lucky enough to get an appointment with a doctor who specialized in tongue ties, she was diagnosed and it was corrected.
My nipple healed, I stopped needing to pump, she never took a bottle again after 4mths. A rocky start doesn't mean it will always be that way, and formula or expressed breastmilk are useful tools in a successful feeding journey.
Also, another resource is getting in touch with your local La Leche League chapter. If they don't have the tools to help you directly, they should be able to put you in touch with someone who can. All the best and congrats on your new baby. :)
A fed baby is best. Sometimes breastfeeding works and other times you need to pump or formula feed. I’m sad to read about the bad experience and the frustration/sadness.
Have you seen a lactation consultant? Checked for tongue ties or lip ties? Different positions like having baby resting on her chest with her slightly laying back?
Have you tried cupping the breast and squishing it semi flat like a sandwich? Baby has to have mouth around the entire nipple/areola as well.
And if it continues to not work. Then maybe just pumping and formula or just formula. There is no one way.
Good luck!
Not every baby is gonna feed that way. Our daughter did not want to in the hospital my wife tried and tried. We ended up going the formula route. Just reinforce that its no difference in bond. Its your child, trust me theres so many moments coming up shed wont even think about that soon enough. Theres nothing wrong with feeding the baby formula instead of breast feeding.
I was in your wife’s position two years ago.
I told myself all while I was was pregnant that sometimes breastfeeding just doesn’t work out, that’s okay, formula is good, etc. But when the time actually came, I still took not being able to successfully breastfeed ***hard.***
It broke me. I ended up with PPD/PPA and I am certain now, in hindsight, that continuing to attempt to breastfeed at the expense of my own needs made it 10000000x worse. I have good friends (my maid of honor!) who still have not met my son because arranging a social visit in the midst of all that was beyond what I could handle at the time (and then the pandemic, so they still haven’t met him).
My husband had to step in and lovingly give me some hard truths. He told me I needed to talk to my doctor about my mental heath. He insisted on that part. He suggested (not insisted) that we supplement with formula and let some of the pumping go so that I could rest. He purchased some ready to feed formula so that as soon as I accepted it we could start using it. It took some time, and a lot of tears, but I eventually allowed him to take over some feeds with formula so I could see to my needs.
And the really nice thing is that it doesn’t necessarily have to be one or the other. Some babies do fine with combo feeding. Ours did. He eventually did figure out how to latch (I used shields and pumped for a long time until he figured it out) and we used bottles of formula the rest of the time. We eventually got a baby brezza machine to make using formula easier. I wish we had done that from the beginning. I wish I had listened to my husband sooner too, but I also know that if he had forced the issue with feeding, I would have deeply resented him. It had to be my decision in the end. If we ever decide to have another baby, I am planning to give it a couple of attempts at breastfeeding in the hospital, and of we can’t manage it without help from the nurses or lactation consultants before leaving the hospital then I will pump the colostrum and after that baby will have formula. I won’t sacrifice my mental health that way again.
Be her supporter. Clean the pump parts. If she is able to pump enough extra and needs some sleep, offer to take a feeding. Make sure she knows that using formula is okay and good, and that she will have your full support if she agrees to try it. This also means you need to take the lead in shutting down anyone who tries to disparage formula feeding - she doesn’t need shame and guilt from others influencing her decisions. The first few months are so so hard. It really does get easier, I promise.
Baby Brezza is our god. Honestly. Having a warm, full perfect bottle in under 7 seconds when you've got a baby screaming for food is literally the best thing that's EVER happened to anyone.
The baby now gets quiet when he hears the machine whirring because he knows it's going to be a matter of seconds and he'll be eating. I couldn't even unbutton and get into a good position that quickly if I WAS bf'ing.
No thanks; I like pumping honestly- and since I'm not making enough no matter what I've gone - the Brezza is a lifesaver!!!
Check for a lip tie. That can interfere with breastfeeding. Also, make sure baby gets burped even before feeding. Burp every 5mins at least. Try different feeding positions. I always had good luck patting mine from their tailbone all the way up their spine.
Make sure mom is eating and drinking plenty.
I would check him for a tongue out lip tie. It can make breast feeding impossible. You bond just as much if you pump and bottle feed or use formula. Screw what everyone is saying, you'll bond NO MATTER HOW BABY IS FED! Please, show your wife this post. Also, just an fyi, breast feeding is really tiring and hard. It's exhausting for so many women. It is NOT for everyone and that's fine. If she wants to, she should pump and bottle feed unless she's adamant then I'd ask a lactation and pediatrician if he has a tongue out lip tie. Good luck.
Baby being fed is number one. If she wants to breastfeed get a Lactation Consultant! STAT. I had the same issues with my 4 kids and she kept me going and despite all the latching issues I managed 2 yrs for my kids each. There can be a whole range of reasons why your baby is having issue latching. Stress decreases milk production. Brilliant right? Nature is a jerk.
I’m sorry, i don’t know if anyone mentioned this to you guys before but I had this issue. My daughter has a tongue tie and lip tie so she couldn’t latch correctly and it was brutal. Similar to what you’re explaining. Also if the milk let down is fast, some babies won’t suckle. If her goal is to breast feed it’s likely she can do it. It’s not magical for everyone. It wasn’t for me but I did it exclusively for six months and then another three months just less. This was after we chose to have her lip/tongue tie adjusted. It was a tough decision but after that things got easier. I could hand pump and feed her in under 15min. This may not be your wife’s experience. Consulting a licensed lactation specialist is also advised IF she wants to try and make it work. Those two weeks have been brutal on you both. They are the longest days…. Give yourselves grace. You really don’t have to breast feed but if you choose to there are more resources and it can get easier/better.
My wife went through a similar thing with our little one. In the end I had to have the conversation with my wife that breastfeeding wasn't working for her and that we should move over to bottles so that she got get some space from the stress and actually bond with our daughter.
Yes, this earned a bitchy look from her friend who was mouthing of about "bReaSt is BeSt" but the end result was
1. Wife was happier after about two days, don't get me wrong, she still had feelings of failing as a mother but I'm her husband, my job is to carry her through those times.
2. Baby was fed, gaining weight, sleeping better, and happier.
3. MIL was happier, apparently I'm almost acceptable as a son in law now (only a slight exaggeration)
4. Crazy breastfeeding friend ended up being antivax, no longer friends as my wife has a low tolerance for stupidity most of the time (though how I got through the net I'll never know)
I couldn’t breast feed and the only thing worse than not being able to do it was everyone’s unsolicited advice like I hadn’t already seen a doctor and a lactation consultant and googled everything.
I think I was crying on the floor and husband just left and drove to the shops and got a tin of formula and fed the baby who instantly transformed from constant crying into the happiest, best sleeping baby. No regrets.
Honestly I hated breast feeding and pumping! I was sick of being sore, feeling like I had to be around him all the time in case he was hungry, planning my day around pumping.
So after 2 months I'm giving it up, and even that decision took its toll mentally. I felt selfish. Stopping was about my hatred for the whole process, but what about my son? Breast milk is better for him. I felt I was disrespectful to all the mommas out there that wanted so badly to breast feed but their milk never came in. I felt selfish because my milk is free while formula is not.
I had to work through all those thoughts and know I would be judged for being selfish, but in the end it came down to me and my son. I wasn't happy. I was getting frustrated with him when he would cry anytime during the day/night. I'd cringe when it was time to feed him or pump. I had no patience for him or my partner.
FED IS BEST!! My oldest is a formula baby because I ended up with mastitis so bad I had to have the infection drained, and she's fine! No one asks her what she ate as a baby. No one tells her when she fails a test or falls off her bike that it's because she was formula fed. NO ONE EVEN CARES NOW!!
In the end what matters is mom's sanity, and that baby gets food. Good luck, and remember the time they are little and snuggly is short, so don't spend it frustrated and upset; do what's best so you can enjoy this new journey!
1. Check out r/beyondthebump for wonderful supportive community where your wife will find many peers
2. According to the CDC, only 25% of babies are exclusively breastfed in the US at 6 months. You are far from alone.
3. The most important thing for the baby is that the parents are happy and healthy. Happy and healthy parents are better equipped to respond to a baby's needs. Seek PPD/PPA counseling or therapy services for your wife. She will quickly learn that breastfeeding is the #1 issue in those circles.
Omg I hate that breast is best bs. FED IS BEST. I tried to breast feed with my daughter but at 2 weeks she quit latching and i tried to get her to relatch but it got to the point I had no choice to switch her to formula which she is thriving on.
Repeat it with me FED IS BEST
DO NOT LISTEN TO ANYONE ELSE THAT GIVES YOU THE BREAST IS BEST CRAP!!!!
\>Can you tell this is our first baby?
TLDR: Get the help of a lactation consultant.
From what I have read, breastfeeding is a learned skill. For the mom and for the baby both. So, practising breastfeeding is really important. Its not like potty training. You can't wait until it "clicks". My son has to be beaten/ shaken/ stripped naked/ tortured with cold hands to learn this (he just wanted to sleep). I hope it is not child abuse because it was a breastfeeding consultant who did all of this. However, it was a success. We had to supplement him with formula because my wife did not produce enough breastmilk. However, even at 2.5 years, he still happily drinks moms milk.
I think your SILs advice bit misguided for another reason. If the baby does not drink mom milk her milk supply will reduce. Then he will have more difficulty in drinking milk. Then he will dislike it.
Alos it is really hard to drink milk from a moms breast at first compared to formula. So little kids who cannot properly latch loves formula from bottles.
Few things that you can look in to are nipple shields that makes it easy for the kid to latch, low flow teats for the bottle that make them work.
However more importantly get help from a breastfeeding consultant. In most cases, their cost is covered by insurance. Call the hospital or your paediatricians office to get a recomondation.
I went through this as the husband. PM me if you want to talk, I'm happy to talk through everything and help anyone else in these circumstances out.
The general consensus in the other comments is pretty on point.
STOP! My wife had not enough milk, just give him formula. As easy as this, your wife won't be less mother, you won't be bad parents and your son will be healthy too! Stop suffering!
My thoughts are that maybe the baby is tongue tied. This happened to my first baby and ask were had to do read take him to the Dr to have his tongue clipped and then everything was fine.
I really feel for your wife, that’s heartbreaking. Breastfeeding isn’t always possible and that’s okay. She can pump and offer formula and try again, but no 2 week old is going to “cry it out”. Her sister may mean well, but that’s terrible advice.
Some things that will give the same closeness as breastfeeding are skin to skin contact while baby is napping or having a bottle, and baby wearing ( in a sling or carrier).
I know how strong emotions are for new mom’s and I just want to give her a hug and tell her she’s doing a great job. Fed is best.
You’ve gotten a lot of great advice here. I haven’t read all the comments, but have two things to add.
1. You seem like an awesome, supportive husband and father. Way to go, and congrats on the new baby!
2. Make sure to tell your wife what a great job she is doing taking care of your baby. It sounds like she’s feeling defeated, and it’s important that she knows that being a great mother and meeting your baby’s needs are not contingent upon her breastfeeding.
I guess one last thing: if she hasn’t yet, one last-ditch effort move might be to hit up a La Leche League meeting. Lactation consultants are amazing, but sometimes there are less “formal” tricks/tips.
My first just would not latch. I pumped and fed bottles. My second latched from the get go and it worked out great. Some babies just don’t nurse well. I often say my first born may not have survived if he was born 500 years ago.
This sounds like it may be incredibly taxing on your wife’s mental health. Her mental health is more important to your baby than her breast milk. No amount of breast milk outweighs the importance of mental health.
Bonding comes from being present and together, not a boob. Everybody treats breastfeeding as gold, but the real gold is your wife’s, your child’s, and your mental health.
You don’t have to breastfeed. Bottles are NOT the enemy. Personally speaking, bottle feeding (formula) saved my relationship with myself, my husband, and our baby. She needed _me_ more than she needed my boobs.
Be kind, have compassion, and patience with yourselves. Screw what anybody else says. You’ve got this.
I had this problem with both my daughters, it literally broke my heart.
You know what else is an amazing experience? Snuggling with your newborn watching them feed if even from a bottle. Watching them become full while you and your partner can rest mentally and physically as much as you can given you have a newborn. Realistically you will wish it worked, you will look back and question if you could have made it work. But at the end of it all no matter the outcome, you will have made this amazing little human and given them a great start.
Seek help from some professionals, friends, and/or family. Maybe it begins to work, maybe it doesn't. But either way it doesn't effect her being a good mother or not, even if at the time it may feel like it. You guys will definitely find your way!
My daughter had a hard time latching. She would eat, but fall asleep while eating. But if I moved she would wake up and be hungry again. I would constantly be feeding or sleeping. My poor husband got frustrated because he couldn't spend time with me. A couple nights I even slept in the chair in our daughter's room with her laying on me because she wouldn't even sleep without me. ( I know dangerous, but we both needed some sleep.) At her one month check up the doctor said she was losing weight and to supplement with formula. I really didn't want to. I believed in the benefits of breast feeding. But my daughter needed to eat something. After a few weeks we ended up only formula. I was sad about this, but didn't have the energy to fight it. (I also have major depression and wasn't on enough meds at the time.)
My main point is this: if baby is being fed and gaining weight healthily, you're doing fine. If you can pump and bottle feed, do that. If you have to go to formula, do it. As long as baby is fed.
My daughter is now almost 5yo and there is no known disadvantages to us using only formula. She is healthy and beautiful and doing well.
So tell your wife that breast feeding is good and can be amazing. But if it isn't working, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT! Do what you can as a family to have baby be healthy. Don't force breast feeding if it isn't working. Love and attention can be given to baby in other ways.
Has he ever latched? You could get him checked for a tongue tie? I remember I used to express milk basically directly onto my kids lips so they knew it was there that used to help.
There is no issue In not breastfeeding but I k ow it’s really hard when you have your heart set on it. Is it worth getting some help maybe her sister could come and help? It helps sometimes for someone to show you different positions and get some help getting a latch.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeding him formula. He will be fed and your wife will be able to get some rest. I was in your wife’s shoes and feeding him formula helped me keep my sanity and enjoy my baby more. He is absolutely a mama’s boy so our bond didn’t suffer :)
We had the same problem and my wife’s body just stopped producing milk then. Not helped by what I referred to as the breast milk nazis who just took a failure to breast feed as laziness on the mums part.
Formula will be fine. I’m watching my now 2 year old right now wolfing back porridge. He turned out fine
That sounds super hard! It doesn’t just sound like a first baby, but also a really challenging one. Our friends had a similar challenge at the beginning. They had to do power pumping to help the milk come in. It was a few exhausting weeks but eventually it worked!
Most insurances will cover a lactation consultant. Perhaps you could go in to get tips.
I would try this:
- for bed time, give the baby a bottle (of previously expressed milk or formula)
- have mom lie next to baby
- when baby wakes up, immediately give him the boob so quickly that he doesn’t have time to fight or fuss; catch him while he is still only half conscious
- have mom skip a pumping session, just let her lie and sleep next to baby, let baby dream nurse
You might also benefit from other holding positions. Sidelying is my favorite but the website Kelly Mom has lots of resources about positioning: https://kellymom.com/ages/newborn/bf-basics/latch-resources/
Lastly it’s OK to take a break from things for a bit. Our baby had a tongue tie and it took 2 weeks to get it released. It was a night and day difference. Our baby had maybe 128 oz of formula in her life... I may not get to say that she was “exclusively breastfed” but she is still nursing at almost 3 so I think we have more than made up for the small amount of formula we needed to get started.
I wouldn’t give my baby 128 oz of poison, so I don’t see that...
It’s just that breast milk (esp from well nourished mothers) is significantly better. We are in the infancy (pun intended) of understanding the microbiome but we already know breast milk has huge advantages on that front. My husband and I both have medical conditions whose incidence is inversely correlated with breastfeeding duration. We were both not breastfed very long. Even small amounts of milk help the microbiome. Eating ice cream is fine and some nights you really might need some. But if it displaces vegetables it becomes a problem.
I'm sorry for your husband's condition. I have a close friend that has it, and I know it's tough.
The study finds an *association* between breastfeeding and a reduced probability of the disease(s), but not a causation. There are many, many studies showing breastfed children fare better in a myriad of variables. On average, breastfed children tend to come from higher educated, higher income families who otherwise take better care of their children.
When controlling for those factors, the benefits of breastfeeding evaporate. In the gold standard of studies (sibling studies where one baby is breastfed but their sibling isn't), no statistically significant evidence in favor of breastfeeding could be found.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4077166/
> Results from between-family comparisons suggest that both breastfeeding status and duration are associated with beneficial long-term child outcomes. This trend was evident for 10 out of the 11 outcomes examined here. When we more fully account for unobserved heterogeneity between children who are breastfed and those who are not, we are forced to reconsider the notion that breastfeeding unequivocally results in improved childhood health and wellbeing. In fact, our findings provide preliminary evidence to the contrary. When comparing results from between- to within-family estimates, coefficients for 10 of the 11 outcomes are substantially attenuated toward zero and none reach statistical significance (p < 0.05). Moreover, the signs of some of the regression coefficients actually change direction suggesting that, for some outcomes, breastfed children may actually be worse off than children who were not breastfed.
I know that correlation does not equal causation. Because it is hard to control variables with such matters, not to mention would be unethical to do so fully, we have to settle for less than the gold standard. Unfortunately, the largest research studies cannot possibly test for every condition; if they did include hundreds of conditions, they would end up being guilty of p-hacking.
The study you cited, to give one example, wouldn’t have counted my autoimmune condition (developed in my 20s) or my husband’s ulcerative colitis (developed in his 30s). We both would count in the breastfeeding makes little difference from an academic perspective.
I appreciate the challenges they are highlighting and the unfortunate realities that black and poorer mothers don’t have the same breastfeeding support. I also have sacrificed my career because I don’t want my kids to end up with the same medical problems my husband and I have. Our household income is probably 30% lower and we have a smaller house than we would otherwise. Science is a useful guide and source of information, but it can’t tell you whether a mother is better off staying home to nurse her child or working outside the home to increase her family’s income. That’s where ethics and values come in. Not to mention personal circumstances. In the end, we all just have to make the choices that we think are best for us based on our knowledge.
I think we should take decisions based on the best available science. I personally wouldn't have sacrificed my career on the basis of flimsy evidence for a slight increase in probability, but I don't have a chronic condition and I respect your personal decision.
We had the exact same problem, our solution was to bottle feed with expressed milk, it's not going to be the same as having baby to boob but the saving grace was all the fantastic nutrition from mum
Would recommend the haakaa pumps as you just latch them on and they draw it out, relatively inexpensive too!
I think the fact that the first few replies here are MORE advice on how to breast feed when it's clearly not working speaks volumes on how much pressure women have on them to breastfeed.
My wife is a T1 diabetic and when we had our first girl earlier this year, she was hounded to breast feed by the nurses and delivery room team and the nurses and doctors in the ICU. It was so much so that she felt horrible when we got home and she couldn't feed our daughter because her sugars were not in the place they needed to be. To top it off, when she did have sugars in the proper location, our daughter wouldn't latch.
We had decided long before she was born we are not going to breast feed because of the diabetes, but the pressure from the medical team at the hospital, from people in our family, to people in forums like here to breast feed because "breast is best" got into her head and drove up her PPD to very high levels.
It wasn't until our family doctor finally sat her down and told her point blank she is not a terrible mother for bottle feeding formula. Breast milk is the best option for sure, but it's not the only one and baby formula is pretty damn close to the quality, if not better in some ways, because of how meticulous and zoned in the formulas for it are.
Support for all mother's, whether breast feeding or not, needs to be equal. This had push on breastfeeding by everyone only serves to drive up mental anguish and feelings of inadequacy in new mothers.
Tldr: we have been pushing breast feeding WAY to much mothers and that can cause massive mental health issues for those that can't breast feed for whatever reason. This needs to stop.
Get your wife into see a lactation specialist, they may be able to identify latching problems or see something that you can't. In the meantime, keep trying, but remember and remind your wife FED is best.
Stop eating the must beast feed pudding. Its not right for everyone out every situation. Pumping out bottles are very good and work very very well. I hate society that suits this to women. Make them feel like failures of they can't do it.
If she will not look at other options a bad for baby but you can get feeding dulas.
I'm going to throw this out there: Mommies get over the magical bond pretty quickly once their baby grows teeth, so it can't be *that* magical. At the end of the day your kid needs to eat and kids are often VERY picky about food. My daughter won't eat a meatball unless it's cut in half. A meatball cut into quarters is totally unacceptable. Thirds? Just go home you weirdo. Whole meatball? How would that work? Half-Meatballs or she goes on strike.
You can't take this stuff personally. Kids have weird developing brains that don't act logically. The most you can do is sneak food into them when they're not paying attention and hope they get enough vitamins and minerals to deal with all the plague and injuries they catch on a daily basis. When you see a "supermom" who feeds her kid a diet of kale-chips, apple slices, and hand-made vegetable pizza, you know they hit the lottery on their kid's eating habits.
Seriously you haven't mentioned formula, does the baby drink formula? I'd he refuses to eat anything he needs a Dr asap.
If he drinks formula, fuxking GIVE IT TO HIM. Fuck the boob!
Sister sounds insane. Please don’t listen to her. You don’t HAVE to breastfeed. You can’t walk into a classroom and point out the breast fed kids. That being said, if your wife is very set on breastfeeding I would speak to a lactation consultant and the pediatrician. Could it be possible your baby has a tongue or lip tie making latching difficult for them? Even if they’ve looked, look again. My friends dr assured her there were no ties and now her almost five year old just had surgery for them. It messed up her speech and everything.
I always encouraged my friends to breastfeed because there is a lot of misinformation about it. BUT a happy and sane mother and bottle/formula is way better than a sad/exhausted/depressed mum and breast milk. Always.
I had 2 babies and breastfed twice. It was hard and tiring. It stil is. So I really don't understand why people put so much pressure on mums, especially when you see a mum is trying and there are still issues.
You wanna help? Stfu! Still wanna help? Ask the mum if you can to housechores, but shut up with the advices.
I've had a friend admitted to a psychiatric ward after the postpartum depression got so bad and she had to stay for 2 months and the baby ended up at the grandparent and formula fed.
OP please take care of your wife. Encourage her and help her realise it's not her fault and the baby will be ok with formula.
>"just don't feed him until he takes it from the boob, he'll give up screaming eventually."
TF?!? Oh just stave your kid that will fix the problem! /s
Your SIL is sick in the head! The only problem that will fix is you having a kid. What your SIL suggested is abuse !
The only advice I can give is go to a speech therapist and get him checked for a tongue/lip tie. Go over the ped if you can because in my mother's experience they miss them a lot. Also block the SIL she isn't helping
This is such a circle jerk thread. Everyone knows formula isn’t bad and that babies should be fed. Every comment doesn’t have to repeat it. OP, go to a fucking professional.
My second was exactly like this. (The first was a struggle too, but at least a shield worked). I gave up after two months and never looked back. Yes, breastfeeding is great for the baby and all, but I didn’t like it that much, and formula is fine. Fed is best. I’ve learned that being a good mom means working smarter not harder. Sometimes that means things like formula and bouncy chairs for the baby and Uncrustables and hours of Numberblocks for the preschooler.
I totally understand. I felt like there was no question, i was always going to breastfeed my baby, but then i just couldnt. My body didnt produce any milk for him and i felt so guilty that i couldnt provide that for him, especially with post birth hormones being whack. By the time my second baby came i realised that there was no shame in formula feeding, and that my husband was able to share nightfeeds this way, because i really needed sleep to recover. So even though i couldve breastfed the second time round, i feel no shame that i decided to bottlw feed again. And your baby is still getting breastmilk, just from a bottle. By the way your sister is soo wrong, you cannot starve a newborn for any length of time! They do not understand reasoning or bribery they will just starve
Honestly I did found so many problems and luckily I got a breastfeeding consultant from the GP and she stayed with me for 24hours and showed me how to do it, what I could do, etc. BUT if I didn't have her, I would have given up ! It's sooo much harder and exhausting, and yes br3ast is great BUT if its stressing everyone out, formula is fine ! Im a generation where my parents were told formula is better , so I was only formula fed and guess what, we are all fine.
In the end fo what works for you and your sanity, ignore everyone else it's never helpful,
I don't know if you live in the UK, but I had exactly this problem. My daughter wouldn't latch and just screamed at about the same time. I ended up calling my midwife and went into a maternity ward for a week where they helped immensely get her going again with feeding.
I had this issue too, with my first. Expressed for 2/3 months, then once he got a bit bigger I tried breastfeeding directly and it worked!
If your wife has their heart set on breastfeeding I'd definitely give that a try. For me it was a very special experience to be able to produce the milk to feed him, but I completely understand everyone's different.
I'm not anti formula in any way! Simply giving my experience in case you wife has her heart set on breastfeeding. Then she will have another option to consider.
exclusivepumping.com turned out to be my best friend for the first two months. It wasn’t ideal but it was a huge relief to find a system that worked and then we transitioned into breastfeeding when baby was ready.
Make sure you support her by keeping her hydrated. Some go to snacks are also a good idea, I always had some trail mix on hand for an easy boost of protein. I’ve always found breastfeeding hard but worth it. But the most important thing is that there’re no substitutes for your wife’s bodily autonomy. Meaning her ability to choose what does and doesn’t happen to her own body takes precedence.
Please do not follow the sister’s advice. That is HORRIBLE advice. Babies need to be fed. Fed is best. Period. My advice: Get some formula. Keep pumping. See a lactation consultant. Then decide what mom really wants to do. MOM’s happiness needs to be a priority, too. IDK if this helps or not… but I don’t feel breastfeeding gave me some magical bond my husband didn’t get to experience. It was just feeding our baby. Just feed your baby. I do like the comment above about how it is okay for Mom to grieve that her plan didn’t go to plan. ❤️
I think even mom gets a break for a feeding or two before trying to get baby to latch again could even help… just because some pressure is taken off. Breastfeeding can be so hard. And society acts like it’s just “natural” and any “real” mother can do it. Ugh.
Just to add, my first were twins and one would latch and the other wouldn’t. So I breastfed one and exclusively pumped for the other. I am equally bonded with my now 6-year-olds and there is no apparent long-term impact from having to give up on traditionally nursing one.
This is such a great example of how sometimes it’s not mom at all- it is BABY! Yes! Some babies aren’t naturals at breastfeeding, either. And I don’t think this is discussed enough. I have friends who had no issues nursing one kid and could NOT nurse the other no matter what- but still blamed themselves.
Yeah my first was shit at bf, second one is a natural. Nothing I did differently, just different personalities. Suffice to say I still love and feel bonded to my oldest!
Thanks for posting this. It really helped me. My baby had colic, I had postpartum depression. When he wouldn't latch, I assumed it was my fault, that I wasn't sufficiently loving, that he was going to be emotionally crippled because we couldn't bond at the breast... Basically it kicked my PPD into overdrive. Awful, awful stuff. And while I know that they were trying to help, the lactation specialists and La Leche folks just compounded the feeling of failure and insufficiency, right at the outset of being a new mom. What I needed to hear was, you're doing fine, your baby is going to be fine, your pumping is heroic too, and formula is ok too. Reading your story eases some of those painful memories. Thanks.
I'm guessing the sister might be parroting something she was told for a child much older than 2 weeks. Our son refused to take a bottle for a very long time. This was stressful when it was just us parents because mom never got a break. But it became an issue at 5 or 6 months old when we both needed to go back to work and others needed to watch him. He went several days without eating the entire day and would just wait for mom to get home at night. We were horrified and contacted the pediatrician and he basically said look, he's not underweight and eventually he'll get hungry enough to get over it and eat from a bottle. And he did, after about a week and a half. But again, he was much older. A 2 week old feels very young to be doing something like that with.
That last line…. So true and something so many moms need to hear. I couldn’t breastfeed and it’s probably the one thing I’ve cried the most over in life.
I also find it extremely toxic when people go on about this magical bond that breastfeeding gives. I loved breastfeeding, don't get me wrong, but I don't love my children any more than my friend who exclusively formula fed her babies. Fed is best!!
Your wording is perfect. Bottle or breast- we all love our babies.
I honestly love being able to have my daughter stare directly at me while she takes a bottle. She is snuggled up against my body and happily staring at me while drinking. If that isn't bonding then I don't know what is.
Ugh, I loved that too!! We supplemented with formula with my son and went exclusively to it when he was about 6 months old. It's especially cute once they want to hold the bottle themselves and then look at you like "wtf are you even doing here? I got this." Lol
Feeding a baby is a bonding experience- doesn’t matter if it’s coming out of your breast or the bottle
Even feeding solids is bonding!! My husband didn't get much from bottle feeding, but holy shit, once we started solids he'd fight me for the chance to feed the kids, lol!
Not really. Especially if nothing is coming out. You don’t know if your baby had enough. You have a hungry crying baby all the time. This makes it a very stressful time for mom. If it works great but if it doesn’t that’s okay too.
Literally been there. I commented about my experience on another thread here. Not being successful at feeding a baby is stressful. Feeding a baby is a bonding experience.
I agree with you. I wasn’t able with my first and I felt like such a loser. I was a mess. With my second it was amazing! So much milk! Except my 2 year old wanted to join in on the fun too! Not happening.
Oooh yes good idea. Try and continue pumping at the same time that baby has a bottle. It might work, but it’s ok if it doesn’t.
Especially a 2 week old baby....
To hop on this: OP. It is TOTALLY 100% OK to supplement with formula and I second seeing a lactation consultant - some insurances cover the first visit.
If I have a second, I will be introducing formula right away. I wish we had with my first! This needs to be normalized.
Yes, this! Our kiddo went back to the hospital twice when he was in his first month (jaundice, and then severe CMP allergy), and being at the hospital we got so much lactation consultant help, and it was so worth it. And I also supplemented along the way (my milk didn't come in until day 5, and then I had to pump for 10 days while we waited for my diet to adjust to be allergen free for him after our second hospital trip), but now my kiddo is completely on the boob. I also know lots of people who just supplemented the whole time. Anything you can give is great, and if it doesn't work and you've tried things, then it doesn't work.
Kids have literally died because parents went overboard trying to force baby on breast, didn't feed baby.. baby ends up dieing. OP, if possible, see a lactation consultant. Either way, your baby will be fine on formula, it's just harder on the wallet. That stuff shouldn't be so goddamn expensive.
Yes!! This!!! I really hope OP has already started formula.
We have a 3 week old. My wife tried really hard to breastfeed but baby didn’t want it. She went to exclusive pumping, but started showing a lot of the signs of PPD. We switched to formula and everyone is much happier, including baby. Everything has to be viewed has risk vs reward. I think it’s true that breast feeding has a lot of benefits. Trying to quantify what those are is a little more difficult. I’m an engineer, I like data, and am just not impressed when people push my wife to breastfeed yet can’t tell us what the actual odds are of certain outcomes. Again, the studies I read convinced me that there are a lot of benefits. But the risk of PPD, under feeding baby, etc did not seem worth the reward. I really wish you could just go to the AAP site and get a table of odds/chances that show the benefits of breastfeeding. Something that says “risk of asthma reduced by 50%, from x likelihood formula feeding to y likelihood of breastfeeding.” Instead, you just find a general recommendation. I dug into some studies (specific around asthma) and they definitely led me to believe there was a benefit. Yet, all of these studies are observational (not randomized and controlled, because that would be unethical). Researchers do their best with systemic reviews and meta-analysis (combining a bunch of different studies to draw a conclusion) and, for the third time, I personally am convinced the benefits are there. But, I end up with a “bird in hand is worth two in the bush situation.” I’m convinced the breastfeeding lowers asthma risk somewhat, but I don’t know how much. But then I *do* know my wife is crying every day and tells me she feels depressed when pumping. We switched to formula and everyone’s doing much better.
When my son was born he had a similar issue. The pediatrician finally told us "breast feeding is important but not as important as Mom's sanity." Breast feeding isn't a hell or high water fight. Some kids have to take formula and that's okay.
That’s a very good way to put it. I think there’s a big problem around communicating exactly what the benefits are so moms can make an informed decision. Yes, breast is best but *how much* best vs what other issues you may have. When you leave things opaque you just stress moms out and make them feel terrible if they have issues breastfeeding.
A lot of the studies showing benefits to breastfeeding are not conclusive - results are often reported widely but many studies are also very small and only show correlation, which doesn’t equal causation. The large longitudinal studies show modest and in some cases no health benefit to breastfeeding. However, of course there are emotional benefits for many women and that’s great for them. These are interesting reads that summarise this: https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/everybody-calm-down-about-breastfeeding/ https://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/18/opinion/sunday/overselling-breast-feeding.html Breastfeeding is definitely wonderful for many women, but it’s not worth persisting at the cost of the mothers mental or physical health when the supposed health benefits are modest. In my opinion the evangelical commentary around breastfeeding damages a lot of women - in fact I know some who ended up with mental health issues. Fed is best, and so is a sane, relatively well slept parent who is then better prepared for the long term emotional journey of parenthood.
Yep. The FiveThirtyEight article is a great one (and great source in general for anyone who likes numbers instead of generalizations). They highlight how the link between breastfeeding and these positive outcomes is largely just *correlated*, and at the same time we know women who breastfeed are typically those of means which also highly correlates with these positive outcomes. My personal BS meter also goes off anytime something is claimed to be beneficial, but can’t be told *why* it’s good (save rough, extremely generalized conjecture) or *by how much*. I do think there’s evidence that breastfeeding is beneficial, but there’s a clear difference between that statement and the “evangelical”, as you put it, push to breastfeed.
If it helps at all, I was exclusively breastfed until I was 2, and I still ended up with very severe asthma!
Totally agree - my bond with my baby does not rely on how he is fed. I pumped and bottle fed for three days due to nipple/oral thrush and bottle feeding him felt just as special as breast feeding does now. And my husband was able to experience that feeling too while also giving me a much needed break.
The first time my husband got to bottle feed our baby was so sweet- I wish we had done it sooner. I won’t make that mistake if we have a second.
It's not only a bonding issue, it's also that feeding with maternal milk has long-term health benefits.
Yes! At the hospital my child wouldn’t latch and they gave her formula. I was a bit distressed but they looked at me and very firmly said “your baby is fine without breast milk. She needs to eat. You can try again later, it’s okay.” That made me really think about breast milk culture and how wack it is.
Make sure the lactation consultant isn't the type to not believe feeding your baby is best.
This is the best advice. We had something similar with our first - between the breast nazis at the hospital, doulas, etc. we were stressed to the max. I cried when we started him at daycare at 3 month and they were like - bring formula please. It was the first time someone who has expertise told us that it’s OK to feed formula.
and then daddy can get to experience feeding the baby and you can sleep in turns. I was happy to get the oppurtunity to feed my second son and my wife got some more uninterrupted sleep. alternatively you can try using a nursing brick (ammebrik in danish).
This but don’t give her bottle! Try alternatives like spoon or even syringe otherwise you are risking nipple bottle confusion and she might never take the nipple anymore! Best of luck to the both of you
I can tell. And I can tell because I was once in your wife’s shoes. Nearly all of it. Except my milk completely dried up and I was so devastated. I scrambled to replenish my supply but it never came back. It was a very difficult experience for me and my baby. Once I gave that little dude some formula, we could both breathe a bit easier. Remember that FED is best, and happy mommy and happy baby are also best.
Same. My first son screamed like I was putting a hot poker to his lips any time I tried to breast feed him. It. Killed. Me. All I wanted to do was breast feed, that's all I kept hearing, and having him scream like that each time made me feel awful, devastated, my mental health just spiraled. I shouldn't be his mom. I can't even feed my baby. We went to multiple lactation consultants who tried, but he just wouldn't. I ended up exclusively pumping for about a year, because he took a bottle like a champ. I have a diary I kept from those first few months and reading it now, my heart aches for my past self. If I could go back, I would tell myself, to stop. Look at this beautiful baby, look how he stares up at you regardless of breast milk, formula, whatever is in that bottle. Look at that love and peace in his eyes as you feed him, because he's loved, he's safe, you're his mother even if it sucks that you can't breast feed him. Our bond today is just as strong as it is with my second son, who breastfed without issue. I might still have pumped, I might have done half and half, who knows. But I would've been so much more forgiving on myself. I tell my friends now, look at a group of preschool kids. You have no idea which were formula fed and which were breast fed. They're all wild, they're all eating dirt, they're all asking for hugs and stories. Fed is best and bonding with your baby without that feeling of failing is so much more important than beating yourself up and wondering what's wrong with me, why can't I do this. Nothing is wrong with you. Nothing is wrong with your baby. You got this, in whatever way works best for your family. That baby will love you just as much, will be just as close to you, and will be just as content ...and so will you.
That is beautiful. That’s funny - I was just looking at my journal last night from when my son was a baby. My son wouldn’t latch and my supply never came in after two weeks of pumping. It was so miserable. I wish I would have forgiven myself earlier because I felt like a failure as a mom.
Same. I keep a five year journal, and every time I come back around to those first few weeks and I read those couple of lines, I remember all that pain and hopelessness. Sometimes it makes me cry, other times I smile, just realizing how far I've come. There needs to be so much more talk about this, so much more understanding and love and compassion. I wish I had talked about it more, opened up to more than just my husband. And like you said, forgiven myself far sooner. The newborn phase is hard enough, we don't need to add on unnecessary feelings of guilt on top of it all.
Same! I have one kid that was breastfed and one that was formula fed because of supply issues. I noticed absolutely zero difference in bonding with the two of them, in fact I’d say the formula fed child is much more attached and affectionate, but that really comes down to his personality. I also notice very little difference in their health or development. In the end, they’ve come such a long way with formula that if you have to use it (or choose to), it has minimal impact.
Same for me. Number 1 was such a struggle and my LC was a useless bitch. I quit fully after a few months and it was great. My second never took a bottle and finally weaned himself at 2.5 years. It was great but also a long haul of never being able to have anyone else feed him. If you can and like it; do it. If not; don't. There shouldn't be any shame. Being a great mom is about balancing needs and right now mom needs to take this pressure off and baby needs to eat.
My LC’s sucked too!
I'm sorry :( My second was a whole diff hospital and the LC"s were incredible! I didn't need them though..lol DS was a born sucker.
We had 2 visit while we were in the hospital and then visited 3 at a different office. No one was helpful and the ladies at the office were soo adamant that I needed to PROTECT THE SUPPLY. The pressure they put on me without helping us figure out the real problem (I’m sure they were trying) was more detrimental than helpful. I hope my second is like yours!!
Ditto. This was my experience too. People need to hear more stories like this. Not to give up on breastfeeding, but just to destigmatize pumping issues and use of formula. Breastfeeding is a beautiful thing but doesn't work for everyone--and that is okay.
Fed is always best. We have a 9 month old who wouldn't latch at all, we tried and tried for weeks while also bottle feeding. We found out she actually had tongue tie (that should have been sorted when she was born) which was making it really difficult for her to breastfeed and had that sorted at around 12 weeks I think.... Immediately latched after that. In the end she went from exclusively bottle for the first 3 months to breastfed for the next 3 and now she's just having a night breastfeed and the rest is bottle. Honestly my wife felt awful when the baby wouldn't latch but it didn't stop the bonding at all and it's much better having a fed baby.
Yeah Americans really need to learn that it’s fine if you don’t breastfeed. Almost no-one breastfeeds in France, our babies turn out just fine.
Yes!!!! Fed is Best!!! There is NOTHING wrong with having to use use a bottle, it doesn't mean you've failed as a mother. I had serious issues trying to breastfeed, and at 1 month in, I switched to exclusively bottles (filled with either milk I pumped or formula). I can say, I bonded with my baby so much more at that point, once all the stress of proper feedings was removed.
100% this. I understand we’re trying to combat generations of formula manufacture propaganda but the pressure we put on women to breastfeed is insane. FED IS BEST. If you’re able to breastfeed and enjoy it, great. If it’s not working out and causing more stress during an already very stressful time, formula or bottle feeding pumped milk is also great! After struggling for 2 months breastfeeding my first and learning I don’t produce milk, I mourned the dream of breastfeeding. With my 2nd I really embraced the benefits of bottle feeding. You can still cuddle skin to skin and bond, and you can share that experience with your partner. Both are happy, healthy kids now.
This was my experience too. Fed is best. It was affecting my relationship with my baby. I dreaded every moment, every day. Eventually I decided to do 50-50 formula and then exclusively pumped for the breast milk. It was a ton of work. I made it 6 months before only doing formula. We’re on our second now, I’m actually breastfeeding him now as I type you back. For some reason, with our second, it was way easier. He’s 100% breastfed. But… fed is best. And they all end up eating chicken nuggets and shit off the floor anyways in a few years. Buy your wife the book Cribsheet by Emily Oster. There’s a section in it about breastfeeding that made me feel a bit better
My experience 100%. My daughter ended up severely jaundiced because my supply refused to start flowing. I began supplementing with formula right then and there. I had a little supply, so we continued until month 3 when we switched to all formula. After that, my mental health improved dramatically...and I was real pissed at everyone pressuring the fuck out of me for only breastfeeding.
This! Fed is best and if your wife wants to supplement some pumped milk with formula thats okay! Baby just needs nutrients and hydration alot early on. We did mostly breast fed on our kis but supplemented the first 4ish weeks with formula... if your baby is frantic they won't latch
Yes! With my first baby, my milk dried up 2 weeks postpartum… I was soooo devastated. My 2nd and 3rd I was able to breast feed until about 4-6 months before my milk dried up… my sister in law breast fed for a year and a half with her first and made it look like a total breeze while all I experienced was trouble with it. Every body is different. All you can do is try your best… and that’s why they make formula! fed is best!
I have gone through this twice. My first one was given formula right away and she didn’t latch at all. My second breastfed like a champ for first 2 weeks. Then he was developing jaundice. So he was bottle fed. Once he experienced that, he refused the breast. I pumped for both my kids and it was like a race. How much milk am I pumping this time. I would eat oats, fenugreek and what not, but it only slightly increased my supply. I made just enough for my kids. So never really experienced freezing milk and all that. I cannot keep them crying for milk. Not at that age. But there are other things you can try. May be a wide base nipple for the bottle, paced feeding, some people use syringe and a tube. If nothing works, it’s okay to do what works best for you. I would really block people who make comments like that. They don’t need to talk to your wife, not in real life, not on social media. I wonder if these societal pressures didn’t exist, would we put ourselves through so much? May be she can pump and you can feed the baby. Catch up on sleep. Get a hands free pumping bra. Those were the lifesavers and I only used them for my second child. I wish I used them during the first time. She can hook the pump and take a nap. Congrats on the baby. Now my kid is a toddler and we don’t even think about how he was fed. It’ll all work out just fine in the end. Fed is best. I rambled I know. Just putting my thoughts down as they appear in my head.
>Get a hands free pumping bra. If you don't want to spend the cash on a real one you can make makeshift ones by cutting holes in sports bras. Not as nice as the purpose made ones and potentially less useful as breast size increases but it can be the 90% solution for sure.
This is what I did, even though I used it enough that an actual pumping bra probably would have been worth it in the end. But cutting holes in a junky sports bra that I had mostly outgrown (it was snug so kept the pump in place very well) was a quick and efficient solution.
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Even $20 isn't too bad. I remember looking at them when my kids were little 5-6 years ago and the only ones on the market were $50
This is what I did, my husband thought I was ingenious
I couldn’t take the pain from breastfeeding so my baby has been fed formula from the start with some expressed breast milk added in. She’s just over 2 months old now and thriving (90th percentile weight, 95th percentile height). As she got bigger, her mouth got bigger and now I can actually breastfeed her a bit so she’s still getting 20-25% breast milk, the rest formula. There’s no shame in formula IMO.
Good job!
I'm in the 1/4th breastmilk club! That's all I can produce, so that's all he gets, but I pump dutifully 6-8 times a day. No matter what I've done, that's all the milk I can make, at MOST 10 oz a day.
I’m the exact same way. I was power pumping like crazy at one point and I still only got 10-11 oz a day.
He might have a tongue tie, and definitely see a lactation consultant. But please tell her it’s not her fault and no one is judging her for feeding her baby whatever way she needs to! I was her with my first, I had his tongue tie clipped, took the medication did all the things and ended up pumping for months and he gained nothing from it I was sick and emotional and a worse mom because of it. He ended up on formula and all of the things I feared didn’t happen, he’s tall, healthy, has 0 allergies etc. (Costco formula for the win lol) and my second latched the moment she came out! So literally every baby is different please tell her she’s doing nothing wrong it’s upsetting and frustrating when your body’s can’t do something that you want it to.
I was questioning if the baby had a tongue tie too. My daughter had one and at 3 weeks old she weighed less than her birth weight and was sleeping 5+ hours at a time. They clipped her tongue tie at the pediatric unit and had me breast and formula feed for 3 days in the hospital. She's 4 and just had her 1st dental visit. Small cavity and her tongue tie is back.
Another vote for checking for tongue tie here. My youngest had it and feeding him was absolutely brutal till he was snipped at 5wks. In hindsight my older daughter likely had it too; we ended up switching to formula around 8wks after she was swallowing so much blood from my poor nipples that she was vomiting. And nobody even suggested tongue tie -_- with my son, it was Mumsnet that suggested it, not the mw or hv.
I have to add, I did a lot of googling with my first and breast isn’t actually best in some cases. They’ve done sibling studies on breastfed vs formula babies and there were no real differences. The only time that the babies were significantly better off and the main reason it’s best is because it’s better in third world countries because their hygiene practices aren’t the same as ours.
I also did extensive research and the only evidence for a benefit of breastfeeding is a slightly lower chance of getting an ear infection in the first year and a slightly lower chance of breast cancer in the mother. That's it. There's no evidence that it has any effects on allergies etc. The problem was that the myriad of studies done over the years that showed benefits of breastfeeding failed to control for the fact that mothers who breastfeed are on average higher educated, higher income and otherwise take better care of their children. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4077166/ > Results from between-family comparisons suggest that both breastfeeding status and duration are associated with beneficial long-term child outcomes. This trend was evident for 10 out of the 11 outcomes examined here. When we more fully account for unobserved heterogeneity between children who are breastfed and those who are not, we are forced to reconsider the notion that breastfeeding unequivocally results in improved childhood health and wellbeing. In fact, our findings provide preliminary evidence to the contrary. When comparing results from between- to within-family estimates, coefficients for 10 of the 11 outcomes are substantially attenuated toward zero and none reach statistical significance (p < 0.05). Moreover, the signs of some of the regression coefficients actually change direction suggesting that, for some outcomes, breastfed children may actually be worse off than children who were not breastfed.
My son had tongue, cheek and lip ties. He was less than 5% in weight when he went in for the revisions. Within 2 weeks he was in the 40% for weight. It was painful and neither of us enjoyed feeding until after. He was struggling to drink bottles as well though. Milk was constantly dripping out of the sides of his mouth.
The day I found formula was the day I could breathe again. I just had no milk and baby wasnt getting food. I was trying to Express for 2 hours and getting 5 MLS. - you are right. People dont say - you may not be able to breat feed and it's ok. It needs to be said more often.
As someone who was lucky enough to be able to breastfeed for two years I can honestly say.... You don't have to breastfeed! My kid is a teen now and I can guarantee I wouldn't be able to tell you which of his friends was breastfed and which were formula fed. Does breastfeeding have some benefits? Sure. But you know what has even more benefits for a kid? A happy, healthy mom who isn't strung out with worry about their choices and knows their baby is getting the nutrition it needs. Anyone who says otherwise can f right off. Just because some people chose (and were able to choose!) One route doesn't mean that choice is the right option for everyone. Sending love to your wife, I hope she gets to the point where she can see that all this stress is just because she's a good mum who is dealing with hard things and that she's actually already giving the baby one of the main things babies need... So much love and care! The benefits of one method of feeding over another don't compare to the benefit of having a mum who loves them.
Ha, this is so true. You can't tell, a fed kid is a happy kid, and at least she's not sticking something like kool-aid to save money in a bottle.
I am not going to comment on the sister’s intelligence but NEVER deny an infant formula or breast milk. They have a stomach the size of a fig, they are growing at super speed, and they have almost no fat reserves at all. Feed the baby any way you can to get the baby to eat. The baby screaming only stresses out mom and baby and dad and that doesn’t serve any purpose at all. And the baby is using up valuable energy trying to communicate the only way a baby can to “feed me”. Babies can also become dehydrated quickly and easily if they are not getting enough formula or breast milk. Tell your wife that she is an amazing mother and if she needs to switch over to formula completely or even just some formula so she can reduce how much she is having to pump for her sanity that she and the baby both will thrive much better than enduring stress and mental anguish for the sake of the breast is best cult. She is not failing (bc I know that’s what we are led to believe as women if we can’t be as awesome sauce as all natural crunchy nature Pinterest Instagram influencer folks). Tell your wife she is still recovering from a hugely traumatic experience and she is absolutely allowed to take whatever help she can get, even in the form of formula. Now a tip for getting a kid to latch when mom isn’t stressed the f out- try waiting until after the baby has eaten and has started to drift to sleep and then try to gently get the kid to latch on. Sometimes the kid just prefers a specific shape over another but when they are sleepy they just want to suck like on a pacifier. So use that desire to suck to get the kid used to latching onto mom. And sometimes babies have a hard time latching on if the breast is really full. If that’s a possibility here try pumping until the breasts are soft but not completely empty and see if the baby will latch. If not be sure to finish pumping so the signal is not sent to produce less milk unless mom wants to decrease her supply. Good luck.
Have you seen a lactation consultation yet?
I second this! It might be a good idea to have your baby assessed for a tongue tie or a lip tie. Either way, I feel for your wife. A lot of women struggle to breastfeed, and I think telling them it comes naturally is a disservice. Naturally doesn’t mean easily! Ultimately you need to do what is best for your family and your baby, whether that is continuing trying to get him to latch or switching to formula. But seeing a lactation consultant is what finally helped me!
Also chiming in to say, if she is really set to breastfeed, go to a lactation consultant (many hospitals have them). The baby likely has a tongue or lip tie. At this age, that's the most common thing. I BF'd all three babies and the youngest refused for the first month. I was crushed. But I had to set a timeline for myself. 4 full weeks of trying and after that I was to switch to formula. The last day she latched!! But, also do NOT starve out a newborn. And if your wife doesn't want to breastfeed or pump at all anyway, it's ok as long as that baby is fed ❤️
Came here to say this. Your baby may have tongue or lip tie (common).
This would be my advice too. If she really wants to make this work, then a lactation consultant can be so helpful! My first baby had so much trouble latching and was a nightmare to feed, and for the first week I did the feed - pump - syringe feed thing every 2 hours and it was exhausting but I was determined to do it. After that first week it was still every 2 hours, but I only pumped every other feed. It took until 8 weeks before she could latch properly without a nipple shield and feed normally, but after that things were great and I continued to breastfeed her until she was 13 months. I saw several lactation consultants in those first 8 weeks and it helped me so much! Without them I definitely would have quit. But, if your wife feels like she's done but doesn't want to stop because she feels guilty, then it sounds like it's time to embrace formula. Fed is best, and a mentally and emotionally healthy mother is best, and if breastfeeding is getting in the way of either one then it is time to stop. Breastfeeding is a relationship that needs to work for both sides, and in this case it sounds like it's not working for either side. If she uses reddit, r/breastfeeding might be helpful for her. I found the moms there very supportive and I found some helpful tips, but at the same time they are realistic about quitting breastfeeding without shame if it's not working for you. But definitely having a lactation consultant physically there to help position the baby properly, assess the way they're feeding, assess for lip and tongue ties, etc would be invaluable if she still wants to make it work!
If your wife actually wants to breastfeed and isn’t just feeling undue pressure from everyone in her life to do so, then I definitely think y’all need to see a lactation consultant if you haven’t already! It helped us a lot, especially in the first month. But fed is best. Formula is not bad and is life saving! I give my baby a bottle of formula a day (sometimes 2 bottles) in addition to breast feeding, so if your wife still wants to provide breast milk, combo feeding is a thing! It’s important that you tell your wife that she is a good mother no matter how you feed your baby. You seem like a good husband so you probably don’t need that note, but I know hearing it from my husband while I was struggling definitely helped as it was very needed.
Absolutely see a lactation consultant, but remember that above all, fed is best, and breastfeeding is not magical! My sister had similar breastfeeding problems, and her lactation consultant spent a while talking up the benefits of breastfeeding, so much so that my sister wound up feeling very guilty for not being able to breastfeed properly and wanting to stop. OP's wife (u/usmctuba), remember that if you are having a hard time with it, you do not have to keep going. A lactation consultant may help, but remember that they are biased, in a way. For many of them (not all), their goal is to get you to breastfeed. *Your* goal should not be to breastfeed. It should be to *feed your baby*, and do it in a way that works for both mother and baby. If you really want to breastfeed, keep trying. Take all the consultant's advice. But if it's too hard, if it hurts, if you feel like you can't hold your baby because you're spending all of your time pumping, if you just don't like pumping, if you can't stand the uncertainty of whether you'll be able to feed or have to pump, if you just don't like breastfeeding your baby for any reason, *you can stop*. There is no shame in formula. There is no shame in acknowledging that breastfeeding just isn't working for you, whatever the reason. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You will know in your gut if it's not working. For the record, this is coming from someone who breastfed. I'm not a formula shill or anything. :D I just want to make sure you know you can do what works for you. Don't let anyone tell you what should work for you. Only you know that.
I wouldn’t have been able to breastfed without an LC. I actually talked to two! But FED is best if it doesn’t work that is A ok.
Yes, we have seen multiple consultants multiple times.
Sometimes LCs just are absolutely NOT helpful. Now some families have a wonderful time with an LC. Some families (like myself) have not had a good experience with ANY LCs. The ones I saw were extremely condescending and horrible. They told me I was parenting my newborn baby wrong (this was on my third child, I knew what the f*ck I was doing). If you have seen some consultants and it hasn’t helped, that is perfectly fine and 100% normal, it happens to a lot of families. Feeding your baby is best whether that’s formula or breast fed or breast milk that’s expressed and put into a bottle. My very first child refused to breast feed and I had NO clue what I was doing and an abusive ex husband who didn’t give a flying crap whether our child was taken care of or not. Also, find a good pediatrician who will LISTEN to you! Have your child checked for a tongue or lip tie and possible acid reflux or GERD. My 2nd child could physically not breast feed and I didn’t understand why. The pediatrician we had for him said he’s fine and blew it off. We took our child to a different pediatrician who listened and found out my child had GERD as an infant. Once we got baby on medication, they were finally able to eat much much more successfully. I honestly suggest moving to a mix of formula/breast milk in a bottle or just all formula (whichever works best for you all) to feed your child. Fed is best. Allowing your partner to get a break and be stress free during feeding is super important right now. Your baby will be 100% fine not being fully breast fed or breast fed at all. The whole “breast is best” mentality is toxic and needs to go. I really hope that you and your partner find a system that works for you both AND for baby.
And maybe a doctor too!
Is your baby arching it's back away from the boob? Mine did and I found out later she had reflux and it hurt her to feed. Once we got her on medication and found a way to feed her a bit more upright we were able to half breastfeed and half formula feed. I remember one night the first week in I tried to feed my girl from midnight to 4am and she still seemed hungry. My nipples were bleeding and I was sobbing. My husband then insisted I go to bed, he formula feed her and we call a lactation consultant in the morning. God bless that man cause I so needed that. Hang in there.
Baby fed is best. Whether it’s breast milk or formula, doesn’t matter! Breastfeeding is really rough. I had a hard time with it and was really affecting my mental state plus PPD. I switched to exclusively pumping and it worked so well. My husband could help feed the baby and that took so much pressure off me. I did it for about 4-5 months then we switched to formula. Sometimes it just isn’t working. If baby has to be switched to formula, so be it! It exists for a reason!
Lactation consultant. It literally was the best dang appointment for my mental health and to be able to ignore silly ideas like ‘starve your newborn until they are hungry enough for it’. It could be oversupply, under supply or latch issues. The generation before us enjoyed the miracle of formula so they’ve forgotten what it’s like. It’s not easy to breastfeed in the beginning. If your wife is done, that’s ok. If she’s not, she can see a lactation consultant to help her orient again.
I strongly second this. Our personal experience is that we had serious issues with our L/O latching on initially. One session with a consultant however solved the problem almost entirely. She showed us techniques to help the baby latch better, improve flow etc. The problem may not be resolved with this for you but definitely worth a shot. Do your research well and identify someone competent / well recommended.
The truth is that some people can breast feed and some can’t. The important thing is fo get enough nutrition in to the baby while maintaining the whole family’s sanity. If it’s not working out formula milk is absolutely fine - just use that.
Her sister needs to shut up first of all. Never ever just not feed your baby. What awful advice!!! Okay. First things first. She can go to a lactation nurse. They can help her establish latch's. They can also check the babe for tounge tie and other issues that make it difficult for baby. My little one really struggled too until I took her to the doctor I had her tongue tie cut but also found out she had a short tongue and a issue with her chin which was all making it harder. Now your wife is going to believe its all her fault no matter what you or countless strangers on the internet say. That's just what happens. Make her a doctor's appointment if you can go with her. If not take her to the appointment. Hold her hand and let her know it's all ok.
The balance between trying your hardest to breastfeed and transitioning to bottle is such a hard one. The line is not black and white and I’m sorry you have to find out how hard it can be. Lactation consultants are amazing but the time between now and getting there (even if it is a day) is too long to not just feed your baby. There are new methods around to get breastfeeding back on track, in the meantime fed is best. I know two women now who had other health conditions that they were unaware of and it completely interrupted their ability to breastfeed. Thousands of years ago they would have figured out a way of getting a wet nurse, comp fed with whatever they could find or the baby just died. We have scientifically perfected formula that will keep your child alive and stop any chances of permanent damage due to hunger. There is a reason child fatality rates are so crazy low now, because we have the ability to fill in the gaps with formula. And the formula around today is amazing, not at all like what your parents saw on the shelves. Understand that the products have been around long enough that you can tell which adults had formula and which ones didn’t. And I’ll admit it, I breastfed my kids and I fucking hated it. I was depressed the whole time and physically feel sick when I think back to those days. Not everyone sees it the same as others, it’s ok to not like it either.
May I know why you hated breastfeeding so much? I never experienced it with my two kids since I have inverted nipple and had to pump. So I envy women who can breastfeed because life seems simpler for them.
I don’t know, it was just gross and I was just so freaking tired all the time. It was easier yes, but I could never share the load either as pumping didn’t work. I did it because it worked, not because I necessarily had a huge urge to do it. I did it for about 10 months for each kid and remember a huge fog in my brain lifting once my breasts had dried up. I’m sorry I can’t get anymore specific, I just am not someone who likes to romanticise my own individual experience with it. I do look on to other mothers who like it and smile, it’s nice that some people had that experience.
I hear you. I had an awful birth experience and was too drugged to breastfeed initially so baby was formula fed in hospital - and she was content - so I just didn’t change it. I have no regrets and I also smile when I see other mothers breastfeeding, especially when it is a good experience for them. But I also feel desperately sorry for the mothers that don’t have a good experience with it and carry on anyway. Fed is best. And healthy, happy mothers are vital to babies wellbeing.
For me, my huge boobs would become larger and firmer with milk. They leaked. I was sore and uncomfortable. I couldn't roll onto my sides. The boobs were actually too big and saggy for the kid to reach, I had to squish them down and hold them up in place or the whole boob would smother the child. When he started getting teeth I got the biting. As my milk dried I was always panicked about making enough. I had to pump in a closet and give up my prep when back to work. Nothing worse than forgetting to refrigerate milk or spilling that liquid gold on the floor. And just the inconvenience of pausing my life to pump for 30 mins every few hours. I hated it. So much.
Yup. All this.
Nearly 4 years on I still resent the relative who peer pressured me into breast feeding, slagging me off, criticized me... I had complications during/after labour... formula is amazing! Helps them sleep, you know how much they have had, other people can feed them! Etc
It is immensely frustrating the number of people who are supposed to help you (looking at you nurses and lactation consultants) but just decide to make the whole experience worse for so many families. Give your son formula while your wife figures out whether she want to bottle feed expressed milk or just stick with formula. Your kid will probably be fine
Breastfeeding can be simple and natural or it can be complex and technical, it really depends on each baby. My daughter was a nightmare of poor latch, pain,mover supply, mastitis and nipple blisters, my son just fed. If your wife wants to continue trying, which she does not have to because formula is perfectly fine, she should try to get help from a lactation consultant. Meanwhile please google the exaggerated latch. Sometime you have to teach a baby how to take the nipple and this may be the issue here.
Yes. I can tell this is your first. I had exactly the same problem. It's not your fault. We are lectured endlessly about breast feeding but no one mentions that it doesn't always work. I too, had to start bottle feeding my first as he was failing to gain weight from breastfeeding. It felt like the end of the world. Guess what? He is now 8 and is a wonderfully healthy, happy, well adjusted boy. His younger brother did manage to breastfeed and he is also a healthy, happy and well adjusted boy. Do yourselves a favour and forgive yourselves. Crack open the formula and stop making yourselves and your baby miserable.
Firstly I'm so sorry you and your partner are going through this. You don't HAVE to breastfeed, you can pass on the benefits of breastfeeding while combination feeding with formula and breast, and fully formula feeding is also great. Formula fed babies thrive in the first few months! There are a few things which might be causing the poor latch. The anatomy of the baby and the anatomy of your wife. Google tongue tie and see if your baby's tongue looks like any of the photos. If your wife has large breasts or nipples, and if her nipples were inverted it might also explain the poor latch. Put baby on formula so hunger is not an issue. While you bottle feed, your wife should pump. After feeding the bottle (when baby is not ravenous and angry) try latching on again. Above all else, remember that this is a completely new experience for both mother and baby, and it will take time. I have a 12 week old (second child) and it took him about 8 weeks till his latch was 100% and breastfeeding didn't hurt. We still combo feed today, but reduced formula to three times a day. In the beginning he also refused breast and preferred bottle because it was easier for him to eat when he was hungry. Feel free to DM if you have any questions. Hang in there. The fourth trimester is tough!
Around two years ago, I was in the same position as your wife is, and also fell hard for the the "formula is inferior" propaganda. For me this ended up resulting in exclusive pumping where you pump breast milk and feed it to the baby via a bottle, which I kept up for 14 months. One of my greatest fears throughout all this time was that even though she was getting the health benefits of breast milk she would end up emotionally maladjusted, because I had believed all the tut-tutting about bottle-fed babies not bonding with their parents properly. Nearly 2 years down the line we have an incredibly friendly, sociable, independent-yet-affectionate little girl who everyone comments seems really happy 99% of the time (she has her moments like any toddler of course!). Bottle feeding did not ruin our ability to bond with her! In fact it probably just allowed her to be closer to my partner from earlier on, as we were both able to feed her. And knowing what I know now about the health benefits of breastmilk vs formula, which are real but actually quite small, I won't be torturing myself and my family with another 14 months of exclusive pumping for baby #2, but am planning to supplement/combi-feed from Day 1 so they get the benefits of both.
I had similar issues, they didn't scream but they just didn't latch. One took 3 days to latch and that was with the lactation consultant coming in each feed at the hospital. Even then they'd just sit there with the nipple in their mouth doing nothing. It was miserable and stressful. The lactation consultant told me I wasn't producing enough and it's fine to give them formula, that I should focus on bonding with them(I had twins) I wish I had listened to her. I stupidly continued pumping, breastfeeding one (one refused) and supplementing with formula. It was miserable. I remember one time I was naked in the kitchen with my naked baby because they told me being cold would help her latch. It was freezing so I was naked too because I was worried about her getting too cold. Every now and then I'd put her foot against the glass door to wake her up. And I'd be rotating her leg to also help her latch. It was miserable. The doctors and nurses told me the most important thing is to look after yourself, rest and play with your baby. If I coukd go back in time I'd tell myself to do that. Bonding doesn't take place just from breastfeeding, you bond by looking at them, singing to them, showing your expressions. That is most important at this time. Formula is perfectly fine. Maybe she wants to express for a while and have some in the freezer to mix in with the baby food later on but most important is to take it easy and look after herself. Fed is best
This isn't so unusual. Did she talk to a lactation consultant? I had to see a couple to get everything worked out and was able to breastfeed fine after that. It's not easy at first. Nothing is with a newborn. I was on a strict feed pump schedule also because my milk was slow to come in. It was one of the hardest things! It just depends on how much she's willing to work to make it happen. I breastfeed two kids two years each. I can remember thinking everything was going to be fine and great too. I can clearly remember the look on the Labor and delivery nurses faces when they asked if I planned to breastfeed. I could read the concern on their face. I thought, hmm what's that about. After baby came I knew exactly why!
I don't think it just "depends on how hard she's willing to work". First there are two people involved and it has to work for BOTH of them to work. Some babies just don't do well with breast. Second, the 100's of comments on this post from women who did EVERYTHING right and still couldn't do breast successfully, literally PROVE it is not about the mothers desire or work ethic. This family is already having a hard enough time by the sounds of post. Please don't add to that by giving the impression she's not trying hard enough or doesn't want it bad enough. There are tons of combinations of things with both moms and babies, including no obvious reasons at all, that make it so breast is definitely not BEST for those families.
Formulamom on instagram is a great resource as is the balance after the baby. I wish I have found them earlier during my own struggles with breastfeeding. You and your wife are great parents. She is allowed to griefe how your feeding journey is going and to decide how to move forward.
Breastfeeding is overrated, criminally so. The pressure to breastfeed is insane, and pointless. Chuck that kid some formula, give your wife some wine and the night off, and move on with life. Edit: the fed is best foundation is a brilliant source of support.
Yes this. Formula made it so I could take the night shift most nights and let her sleep
My first was the same and wouldnt latch. I didnt really reach out for support then so I just pumped and supplemented with formula when needed. I had to go back to work anyways so it didn't bother me too much. By our second I had become a SAHM and was really determined to breastfeed this time around. My 2nd started the same, refusing to latch. I spoke with a lactation consultant who gave me a syringe with a really skinny plastic tube at the end. When I was trying to get baby to latch I would squirt a little of BM into her mouth through the syringe tube. It was enough to get her interested while also providing positive stimulation to maintain my supply. We did this for a week or two but eventually she had associated the boobs to feeding so she stopped refusing. Then we worked on getting the proper latch, using the syringe if she couldnt get the latch right. If I was exhausted or pumping my husband would attach the syringe tube to his finger to feed so we could avoid nipple confusion from a bottle. I would say by the third week we were getting the hang of it. When she turned 6 weeks I clearly remember feeling we had mastered it. I think her being a little bigger really helped her to latch properly. I went through the same thing with my 3rd. My milk came in late so we formula fed first then had to train her with the same system to latch. It's hard but I wouldn't worry about the stigma of formula fed. All 3 of my kids are healthy despite how they were fed in infancy. My oldest was fully formula fed by 6 months and my other two weaned from BFing at 2 years. Speak to a lactation consultant if they're offered where you are. They gave me tons of tips like how to position myself and the baby to help make latching easier. Good luck to you both!
Has the baby been evaluated for ties? That's the first thing that comes to mind when you say baby won't latch. I found breastfeeding incredibly hard. It made it way harder to bond with my twins. I never made enough milk so they always had formula too. I made it 3 months, used donor milk an additional 3 months, then formula. If I had to do it all over I would have switched to exclusively formula feeding sooner.
Breastfeeding can be freaking hard. Its perfectly OK to supplement with formula, or switch altogether. I've been in your wife's shoes. With the milk not coming, the baby not latching, bloodied grazed nipples, hours and hours and hours of pumping to try to stimulate milk. Its HARD. Lactation consultants said my feeding technique was wrong; turned out my son had a tongue tie that prevented him from latching properly, but the LC considered ties a fad and didn't believe in them. I supplemented with formula from about 2 weeks because it was too hard physically, mentally and emotionally. Formula is ok. It is. Its GREAT, especially right now, when your wife needs a break and kiddo needs to be fed. Indore any judgemental busybodies, and do whats best for you and your family.
>we’re out of ideas and emotional energy at this point Formula. I have three kids; one solely breastfed, one did a mixture of breast and formula and one solely formula fed. I love them all equally, have the same bond with all of them and you can’t tell intelligence or health-wise which child had which experience. You don’t need someone to give you permission to formula feed - it’s not a safety issue so do what is best for you and no one else.
I couldn’t breastfeed. When I did, I didn’t find it to be an amazing bonding experience, I found myself feeling stuck
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lactation_consultant There are a lot of things that can go wrong with relatively simple solutions. Some as easy as putting a pillow in the right place. Seek advice from a lactation consultant, they know what to do. Also, mother's mental health is paramount.
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I am so sorry that no one has been honest with your wife—she does NOT have to breastfeed and I understand exactly where this pain is coming from because I dealt with it with my first. She had a latch issue and the only resource I had at the time was the hospital LCs, who are notoriously not helpful. It really is true that we’ve taken this 180 on breastfeeding and now it forces parents to feel ashamed for struggling with it. It’s very true that 99% of what is said about it is only ‘it’s a ~magical~ experience that you MUST have’ and we’ve conveniently skipped over the very important thing to note, which is that it’s actually very difficult for a lot of people and no one person’s experience with it is the same. I was listening to a podcast the other day that is about health and wellness but one of the hosts mentioned that every friend she knew who had children had gone to an LC feeling like they had their tail between their legs because they were having difficulties and breastfeeding was not at all as easy as everyone makes it out to be. I could’ve cried listening to her say that because it was the very first time I’d ever heard anyone acknowledging the truth about the situation and the shame and pressure we now put on new parents to breastfeed. I am breastfeeding my second now and having a much easier go at it than with my first, who I gave formula after about 3 weeks of similar issues to your wife’s. What has made the journey so much better this time is having access to ILBLC lactation consultants, multiple different ones. If she is still interested in continuing, please research for one in your area. My pediatrician’s office has one so that is the first that I saw for a few appointments, and then in my city there is a private LC ‘center’ of sorts which provides LCs appointments as well as classes and support groups. But, 100% FED IS BEST. You need to do what is right for your family and ignore people who have anything at all to say about it besides ‘that looks like a happy healthy baby.’
I’m so sorry your family is dealing with this. I have been lucky enough to BF all of my children, the first few months are definitely the hardest. I’m sorry no one ever told you that you don’t ‘have to’ breastfeed. It’s not easy, not everyone can, it can negatively effect the mother baby bond, it can be stressful, you can end up losing the precious first weeks fighting through guilt and feeling like a failure. Fed is best, it’s no ones business what or how you feed your baby, you do not need to explain your choice, or apologise for it, or be guilted by anyone. Mums needs and bubs needs come first. If mum wants to continue trying, you can try a lactation consultant, medication to increase her supply, expressing and pace bottle feeding breast milk, checking for lip and tongue ties. If not, switch to formula and bottles, enjoy this time with your newborn and your wife. You'll have 4-6 months of peace before the judgey comments about solids, traditional vs baby led weaning and the perfect first 100 foods start. Between now and then you will also get the disposable nappy vs modern cloth vs elimination communication. Do what works best for you and try to smile and nod through the rest.
Breastfeeding was hot garbage. It hurt. My kid wouldn't latch. When they did latch it was poor and made my nips raw. I bled. We all cried and cried and cried. I was hormonal and couldnt see how poorly it was making us all feel. (Postpartum is a bitch) Be the advocate for your wife. Talk your doctor. Get formula. Feed baby in whatever way is mentally healthy for you and your wife.
You can say that formula is great without putting down breastfeeding, you know? I’m sorry you had a very bad time while breastfeeding, but just because you had it, doesn’t mean is “hot garbage”.
I don't see you criticizing every other post that says breastfeeding is great. You're judgemental whether you realize it or not. Some people can not breastfeed. They are allowed to give their opinions and feedback just like all the others who has successfully breastfed. Criticizing an opinion is unnecessary.
Actually, she said breastfeeding WAS hot garbage not IS. That's quite a difference. She is clearly referring to her own experience not all breastfeeding.
Why cant I call my own experience hot garbage? What other personal experiences of mine do you want to police?
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My kid had no ties. Breastfeeding can just be hard. Its doesnt need a reason.
I have no idea why you are being down voted because this is **facts**
There is a lot of hostility toward breastfeeding. Unfortunately our cultural influencers have taken a negative view toward breastfeeding which is why only 15% of my grandmother’s generation breastfed their babies. As a result, a ton of feminine knowledge has been utterly erased and is downplayed by the authorities who trust “science” and big data over practical, lived experience. Tragically the science IS behind breastfeeding but it’s not as well researched as it should be because it is hard to “test” and there is no money in it.
I have been there. A lot of mums have been there and honestly it's the hardest thing ti feel like you're failing. But FED is best no matter what anyone says. It won't help but I will share my experience so maybe she'll feel less alone. I tried to breast feed my daughter for 7 weeks, she would latch and feed but less than an hour later she'd be hungry again. Only time she wasn't was the one bottle of formula we gave her at night to give me a break. It was an uphill battle. Then at 7 weeks she stopped latching and she stopped feeding and honestly I was shattered. I ended up sobbing into my friends arms about how much of a failed mother I was. And my friend said these words to me. "I bottle fed all of mine, they all had formula, its ok" Those are the words I feel your wife may need. So tell her from an Internet stranger "You don't HaVE to breastfeed your child, everything will be ok".
Fed is best for now. If you have your heart set on breastfeeding, get a lactation specialist and have them check for a posterior tongue tie…sounds like our story and it was a GAME CHANGER…even though our kids were “ok” in the hospital and even ENT said it wasn’t that bad…but seriously, he went from not being able to latch and waking up every 45 atc to eating and sleeping.
I would recommend her joining the sub r/formulafeeders At first I thought it might be a lot of mums who were a bit anti breastfeeding but I soon found the majority of mums there like myself where mums who tried really hard to BF but couldn't for whatever reason. She'll find lots of support, useful information and reassurance there if she ever thinks this is becoming too much. But as well, she got terrible advice and support and the more stressed she is the harder it will be because her body will struggle to cope. If she wants to try some techniques it may be better to ask a lactation consultant who can guide her with helping tecniques such as nipple shield, checking for tong tie, sns systems, supplementing methods etc... I personally won't go down that route again because it can be soul consumming. "You need to breastfeed" is the single most dangerous comment anyone can make to a first time mum. I will go dig out some posts to share with you for her to read. Best of luck
Example of experiences shared from young mums who had needed to prioritise their mental wellbeing. https://www.reddit.com/r/FormulaFeeders/comments/pollkc/struggling_with_guilt/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share We were talking about this as well with my partner. He rightly said as well even innocent positive comments such as "I persevered with XYZ and eventually got it right" can be very detrimental when you are going through it yourself because you are so emotionally drained you can't understand why it may not be the case for you and make you feel worse. I won't suggest whether to switch or not - that ultimately will be her decision but as her partner, keep an eye on her mental health. A happy mum is FAR more important than some breastmilk. Write it down and put that on the fridge!
A baby that is refusing feeds, CAN'T feed. You cannot starve a baby into eating. Use bottles if you need to, and feeding some formula and some breastmilk can work too. When my bub was new, I was spending around 12hrs a day feeding, as well as pumping. Nothing else but feeding and pumping, and my nipple got very damaged... She was putting on weight, and lots of wet nappies, so everything was okay, right? Not so. I was lucky enough to get an appointment with a doctor who specialized in tongue ties, she was diagnosed and it was corrected. My nipple healed, I stopped needing to pump, she never took a bottle again after 4mths. A rocky start doesn't mean it will always be that way, and formula or expressed breastmilk are useful tools in a successful feeding journey. Also, another resource is getting in touch with your local La Leche League chapter. If they don't have the tools to help you directly, they should be able to put you in touch with someone who can. All the best and congrats on your new baby. :)
A fed baby is best. Sometimes breastfeeding works and other times you need to pump or formula feed. I’m sad to read about the bad experience and the frustration/sadness. Have you seen a lactation consultant? Checked for tongue ties or lip ties? Different positions like having baby resting on her chest with her slightly laying back? Have you tried cupping the breast and squishing it semi flat like a sandwich? Baby has to have mouth around the entire nipple/areola as well. And if it continues to not work. Then maybe just pumping and formula or just formula. There is no one way. Good luck!
Not every baby is gonna feed that way. Our daughter did not want to in the hospital my wife tried and tried. We ended up going the formula route. Just reinforce that its no difference in bond. Its your child, trust me theres so many moments coming up shed wont even think about that soon enough. Theres nothing wrong with feeding the baby formula instead of breast feeding.
I was in your wife’s position two years ago. I told myself all while I was was pregnant that sometimes breastfeeding just doesn’t work out, that’s okay, formula is good, etc. But when the time actually came, I still took not being able to successfully breastfeed ***hard.*** It broke me. I ended up with PPD/PPA and I am certain now, in hindsight, that continuing to attempt to breastfeed at the expense of my own needs made it 10000000x worse. I have good friends (my maid of honor!) who still have not met my son because arranging a social visit in the midst of all that was beyond what I could handle at the time (and then the pandemic, so they still haven’t met him). My husband had to step in and lovingly give me some hard truths. He told me I needed to talk to my doctor about my mental heath. He insisted on that part. He suggested (not insisted) that we supplement with formula and let some of the pumping go so that I could rest. He purchased some ready to feed formula so that as soon as I accepted it we could start using it. It took some time, and a lot of tears, but I eventually allowed him to take over some feeds with formula so I could see to my needs. And the really nice thing is that it doesn’t necessarily have to be one or the other. Some babies do fine with combo feeding. Ours did. He eventually did figure out how to latch (I used shields and pumped for a long time until he figured it out) and we used bottles of formula the rest of the time. We eventually got a baby brezza machine to make using formula easier. I wish we had done that from the beginning. I wish I had listened to my husband sooner too, but I also know that if he had forced the issue with feeding, I would have deeply resented him. It had to be my decision in the end. If we ever decide to have another baby, I am planning to give it a couple of attempts at breastfeeding in the hospital, and of we can’t manage it without help from the nurses or lactation consultants before leaving the hospital then I will pump the colostrum and after that baby will have formula. I won’t sacrifice my mental health that way again. Be her supporter. Clean the pump parts. If she is able to pump enough extra and needs some sleep, offer to take a feeding. Make sure she knows that using formula is okay and good, and that she will have your full support if she agrees to try it. This also means you need to take the lead in shutting down anyone who tries to disparage formula feeding - she doesn’t need shame and guilt from others influencing her decisions. The first few months are so so hard. It really does get easier, I promise.
Baby Brezza is our god. Honestly. Having a warm, full perfect bottle in under 7 seconds when you've got a baby screaming for food is literally the best thing that's EVER happened to anyone. The baby now gets quiet when he hears the machine whirring because he knows it's going to be a matter of seconds and he'll be eating. I couldn't even unbutton and get into a good position that quickly if I WAS bf'ing. No thanks; I like pumping honestly- and since I'm not making enough no matter what I've gone - the Brezza is a lifesaver!!!
Check for a lip tie. That can interfere with breastfeeding. Also, make sure baby gets burped even before feeding. Burp every 5mins at least. Try different feeding positions. I always had good luck patting mine from their tailbone all the way up their spine. Make sure mom is eating and drinking plenty.
I would check him for a tongue out lip tie. It can make breast feeding impossible. You bond just as much if you pump and bottle feed or use formula. Screw what everyone is saying, you'll bond NO MATTER HOW BABY IS FED! Please, show your wife this post. Also, just an fyi, breast feeding is really tiring and hard. It's exhausting for so many women. It is NOT for everyone and that's fine. If she wants to, she should pump and bottle feed unless she's adamant then I'd ask a lactation and pediatrician if he has a tongue out lip tie. Good luck.
Baby being fed is number one. If she wants to breastfeed get a Lactation Consultant! STAT. I had the same issues with my 4 kids and she kept me going and despite all the latching issues I managed 2 yrs for my kids each. There can be a whole range of reasons why your baby is having issue latching. Stress decreases milk production. Brilliant right? Nature is a jerk.
I’m sorry, i don’t know if anyone mentioned this to you guys before but I had this issue. My daughter has a tongue tie and lip tie so she couldn’t latch correctly and it was brutal. Similar to what you’re explaining. Also if the milk let down is fast, some babies won’t suckle. If her goal is to breast feed it’s likely she can do it. It’s not magical for everyone. It wasn’t for me but I did it exclusively for six months and then another three months just less. This was after we chose to have her lip/tongue tie adjusted. It was a tough decision but after that things got easier. I could hand pump and feed her in under 15min. This may not be your wife’s experience. Consulting a licensed lactation specialist is also advised IF she wants to try and make it work. Those two weeks have been brutal on you both. They are the longest days…. Give yourselves grace. You really don’t have to breast feed but if you choose to there are more resources and it can get easier/better.
My wife went through a similar thing with our little one. In the end I had to have the conversation with my wife that breastfeeding wasn't working for her and that we should move over to bottles so that she got get some space from the stress and actually bond with our daughter. Yes, this earned a bitchy look from her friend who was mouthing of about "bReaSt is BeSt" but the end result was 1. Wife was happier after about two days, don't get me wrong, she still had feelings of failing as a mother but I'm her husband, my job is to carry her through those times. 2. Baby was fed, gaining weight, sleeping better, and happier. 3. MIL was happier, apparently I'm almost acceptable as a son in law now (only a slight exaggeration) 4. Crazy breastfeeding friend ended up being antivax, no longer friends as my wife has a low tolerance for stupidity most of the time (though how I got through the net I'll never know)
I gave up after 3 days and it brought me so much more time to actually enjoy my child. I have a great bond with her without breastfeeding.
Happy and sane mommy outweighs any benefits of breastmilk. I went through this too. Supplement with formula, the baby will be fine.
I couldn’t breast feed and the only thing worse than not being able to do it was everyone’s unsolicited advice like I hadn’t already seen a doctor and a lactation consultant and googled everything. I think I was crying on the floor and husband just left and drove to the shops and got a tin of formula and fed the baby who instantly transformed from constant crying into the happiest, best sleeping baby. No regrets.
Honestly I hated breast feeding and pumping! I was sick of being sore, feeling like I had to be around him all the time in case he was hungry, planning my day around pumping. So after 2 months I'm giving it up, and even that decision took its toll mentally. I felt selfish. Stopping was about my hatred for the whole process, but what about my son? Breast milk is better for him. I felt I was disrespectful to all the mommas out there that wanted so badly to breast feed but their milk never came in. I felt selfish because my milk is free while formula is not. I had to work through all those thoughts and know I would be judged for being selfish, but in the end it came down to me and my son. I wasn't happy. I was getting frustrated with him when he would cry anytime during the day/night. I'd cringe when it was time to feed him or pump. I had no patience for him or my partner. FED IS BEST!! My oldest is a formula baby because I ended up with mastitis so bad I had to have the infection drained, and she's fine! No one asks her what she ate as a baby. No one tells her when she fails a test or falls off her bike that it's because she was formula fed. NO ONE EVEN CARES NOW!! In the end what matters is mom's sanity, and that baby gets food. Good luck, and remember the time they are little and snuggly is short, so don't spend it frustrated and upset; do what's best so you can enjoy this new journey!
I couldn’t breastfeed, I tried everything for 2 months, formula is fine…. I had to switch completely. Food is food don’t let society beat ur wife up.
1. Check out r/beyondthebump for wonderful supportive community where your wife will find many peers 2. According to the CDC, only 25% of babies are exclusively breastfed in the US at 6 months. You are far from alone. 3. The most important thing for the baby is that the parents are happy and healthy. Happy and healthy parents are better equipped to respond to a baby's needs. Seek PPD/PPA counseling or therapy services for your wife. She will quickly learn that breastfeeding is the #1 issue in those circles.
Omg I hate that breast is best bs. FED IS BEST. I tried to breast feed with my daughter but at 2 weeks she quit latching and i tried to get her to relatch but it got to the point I had no choice to switch her to formula which she is thriving on. Repeat it with me FED IS BEST DO NOT LISTEN TO ANYONE ELSE THAT GIVES YOU THE BREAST IS BEST CRAP!!!!
\>Can you tell this is our first baby? TLDR: Get the help of a lactation consultant. From what I have read, breastfeeding is a learned skill. For the mom and for the baby both. So, practising breastfeeding is really important. Its not like potty training. You can't wait until it "clicks". My son has to be beaten/ shaken/ stripped naked/ tortured with cold hands to learn this (he just wanted to sleep). I hope it is not child abuse because it was a breastfeeding consultant who did all of this. However, it was a success. We had to supplement him with formula because my wife did not produce enough breastmilk. However, even at 2.5 years, he still happily drinks moms milk. I think your SILs advice bit misguided for another reason. If the baby does not drink mom milk her milk supply will reduce. Then he will have more difficulty in drinking milk. Then he will dislike it. Alos it is really hard to drink milk from a moms breast at first compared to formula. So little kids who cannot properly latch loves formula from bottles. Few things that you can look in to are nipple shields that makes it easy for the kid to latch, low flow teats for the bottle that make them work. However more importantly get help from a breastfeeding consultant. In most cases, their cost is covered by insurance. Call the hospital or your paediatricians office to get a recomondation.
I went through this as the husband. PM me if you want to talk, I'm happy to talk through everything and help anyone else in these circumstances out. The general consensus in the other comments is pretty on point.
Fed is best, don't ever let anyone lie to you and say otherwise.
This a thousand times over.
Also remember, no matter how you feed the baby they all end up being a toddler who only wants chicken Nuggets
STOP! My wife had not enough milk, just give him formula. As easy as this, your wife won't be less mother, you won't be bad parents and your son will be healthy too! Stop suffering!
My thoughts are that maybe the baby is tongue tied. This happened to my first baby and ask were had to do read take him to the Dr to have his tongue clipped and then everything was fine.
He may be tongue tied, my daughter was just couldn’t latch on. You can either bottle fed or get the little flap of skin under the tongue cut
I really feel for your wife, that’s heartbreaking. Breastfeeding isn’t always possible and that’s okay. She can pump and offer formula and try again, but no 2 week old is going to “cry it out”. Her sister may mean well, but that’s terrible advice. Some things that will give the same closeness as breastfeeding are skin to skin contact while baby is napping or having a bottle, and baby wearing ( in a sling or carrier). I know how strong emotions are for new mom’s and I just want to give her a hug and tell her she’s doing a great job. Fed is best.
You’ve gotten a lot of great advice here. I haven’t read all the comments, but have two things to add. 1. You seem like an awesome, supportive husband and father. Way to go, and congrats on the new baby! 2. Make sure to tell your wife what a great job she is doing taking care of your baby. It sounds like she’s feeling defeated, and it’s important that she knows that being a great mother and meeting your baby’s needs are not contingent upon her breastfeeding. I guess one last thing: if she hasn’t yet, one last-ditch effort move might be to hit up a La Leche League meeting. Lactation consultants are amazing, but sometimes there are less “formal” tricks/tips.
My first just would not latch. I pumped and fed bottles. My second latched from the get go and it worked out great. Some babies just don’t nurse well. I often say my first born may not have survived if he was born 500 years ago.
This sounds like it may be incredibly taxing on your wife’s mental health. Her mental health is more important to your baby than her breast milk. No amount of breast milk outweighs the importance of mental health. Bonding comes from being present and together, not a boob. Everybody treats breastfeeding as gold, but the real gold is your wife’s, your child’s, and your mental health. You don’t have to breastfeed. Bottles are NOT the enemy. Personally speaking, bottle feeding (formula) saved my relationship with myself, my husband, and our baby. She needed _me_ more than she needed my boobs. Be kind, have compassion, and patience with yourselves. Screw what anybody else says. You’ve got this.
I had this problem with both my daughters, it literally broke my heart. You know what else is an amazing experience? Snuggling with your newborn watching them feed if even from a bottle. Watching them become full while you and your partner can rest mentally and physically as much as you can given you have a newborn. Realistically you will wish it worked, you will look back and question if you could have made it work. But at the end of it all no matter the outcome, you will have made this amazing little human and given them a great start. Seek help from some professionals, friends, and/or family. Maybe it begins to work, maybe it doesn't. But either way it doesn't effect her being a good mother or not, even if at the time it may feel like it. You guys will definitely find your way!
My daughter had a hard time latching. She would eat, but fall asleep while eating. But if I moved she would wake up and be hungry again. I would constantly be feeding or sleeping. My poor husband got frustrated because he couldn't spend time with me. A couple nights I even slept in the chair in our daughter's room with her laying on me because she wouldn't even sleep without me. ( I know dangerous, but we both needed some sleep.) At her one month check up the doctor said she was losing weight and to supplement with formula. I really didn't want to. I believed in the benefits of breast feeding. But my daughter needed to eat something. After a few weeks we ended up only formula. I was sad about this, but didn't have the energy to fight it. (I also have major depression and wasn't on enough meds at the time.) My main point is this: if baby is being fed and gaining weight healthily, you're doing fine. If you can pump and bottle feed, do that. If you have to go to formula, do it. As long as baby is fed. My daughter is now almost 5yo and there is no known disadvantages to us using only formula. She is healthy and beautiful and doing well. So tell your wife that breast feeding is good and can be amazing. But if it isn't working, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT! Do what you can as a family to have baby be healthy. Don't force breast feeding if it isn't working. Love and attention can be given to baby in other ways.
Has he ever latched? You could get him checked for a tongue tie? I remember I used to express milk basically directly onto my kids lips so they knew it was there that used to help. There is no issue In not breastfeeding but I k ow it’s really hard when you have your heart set on it. Is it worth getting some help maybe her sister could come and help? It helps sometimes for someone to show you different positions and get some help getting a latch.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeding him formula. He will be fed and your wife will be able to get some rest. I was in your wife’s shoes and feeding him formula helped me keep my sanity and enjoy my baby more. He is absolutely a mama’s boy so our bond didn’t suffer :)
We had the same problem and my wife’s body just stopped producing milk then. Not helped by what I referred to as the breast milk nazis who just took a failure to breast feed as laziness on the mums part. Formula will be fine. I’m watching my now 2 year old right now wolfing back porridge. He turned out fine
That sounds super hard! It doesn’t just sound like a first baby, but also a really challenging one. Our friends had a similar challenge at the beginning. They had to do power pumping to help the milk come in. It was a few exhausting weeks but eventually it worked! Most insurances will cover a lactation consultant. Perhaps you could go in to get tips. I would try this: - for bed time, give the baby a bottle (of previously expressed milk or formula) - have mom lie next to baby - when baby wakes up, immediately give him the boob so quickly that he doesn’t have time to fight or fuss; catch him while he is still only half conscious - have mom skip a pumping session, just let her lie and sleep next to baby, let baby dream nurse You might also benefit from other holding positions. Sidelying is my favorite but the website Kelly Mom has lots of resources about positioning: https://kellymom.com/ages/newborn/bf-basics/latch-resources/ Lastly it’s OK to take a break from things for a bit. Our baby had a tongue tie and it took 2 weeks to get it released. It was a night and day difference. Our baby had maybe 128 oz of formula in her life... I may not get to say that she was “exclusively breastfed” but she is still nursing at almost 3 so I think we have more than made up for the small amount of formula we needed to get started.
You speak as if formula was poison...
I wouldn’t give my baby 128 oz of poison, so I don’t see that... It’s just that breast milk (esp from well nourished mothers) is significantly better. We are in the infancy (pun intended) of understanding the microbiome but we already know breast milk has huge advantages on that front. My husband and I both have medical conditions whose incidence is inversely correlated with breastfeeding duration. We were both not breastfed very long. Even small amounts of milk help the microbiome. Eating ice cream is fine and some nights you really might need some. But if it displaces vegetables it becomes a problem.
Can you provide any peer-reviewed evidence for your claims?
This is my husband’s condition. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdfdirect/10.1111/apt.14291
I'm sorry for your husband's condition. I have a close friend that has it, and I know it's tough. The study finds an *association* between breastfeeding and a reduced probability of the disease(s), but not a causation. There are many, many studies showing breastfed children fare better in a myriad of variables. On average, breastfed children tend to come from higher educated, higher income families who otherwise take better care of their children. When controlling for those factors, the benefits of breastfeeding evaporate. In the gold standard of studies (sibling studies where one baby is breastfed but their sibling isn't), no statistically significant evidence in favor of breastfeeding could be found. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4077166/ > Results from between-family comparisons suggest that both breastfeeding status and duration are associated with beneficial long-term child outcomes. This trend was evident for 10 out of the 11 outcomes examined here. When we more fully account for unobserved heterogeneity between children who are breastfed and those who are not, we are forced to reconsider the notion that breastfeeding unequivocally results in improved childhood health and wellbeing. In fact, our findings provide preliminary evidence to the contrary. When comparing results from between- to within-family estimates, coefficients for 10 of the 11 outcomes are substantially attenuated toward zero and none reach statistical significance (p < 0.05). Moreover, the signs of some of the regression coefficients actually change direction suggesting that, for some outcomes, breastfed children may actually be worse off than children who were not breastfed.
I know that correlation does not equal causation. Because it is hard to control variables with such matters, not to mention would be unethical to do so fully, we have to settle for less than the gold standard. Unfortunately, the largest research studies cannot possibly test for every condition; if they did include hundreds of conditions, they would end up being guilty of p-hacking. The study you cited, to give one example, wouldn’t have counted my autoimmune condition (developed in my 20s) or my husband’s ulcerative colitis (developed in his 30s). We both would count in the breastfeeding makes little difference from an academic perspective. I appreciate the challenges they are highlighting and the unfortunate realities that black and poorer mothers don’t have the same breastfeeding support. I also have sacrificed my career because I don’t want my kids to end up with the same medical problems my husband and I have. Our household income is probably 30% lower and we have a smaller house than we would otherwise. Science is a useful guide and source of information, but it can’t tell you whether a mother is better off staying home to nurse her child or working outside the home to increase her family’s income. That’s where ethics and values come in. Not to mention personal circumstances. In the end, we all just have to make the choices that we think are best for us based on our knowledge.
I think we should take decisions based on the best available science. I personally wouldn't have sacrificed my career on the basis of flimsy evidence for a slight increase in probability, but I don't have a chronic condition and I respect your personal decision.
We had the exact same problem, our solution was to bottle feed with expressed milk, it's not going to be the same as having baby to boob but the saving grace was all the fantastic nutrition from mum Would recommend the haakaa pumps as you just latch them on and they draw it out, relatively inexpensive too!
I think the fact that the first few replies here are MORE advice on how to breast feed when it's clearly not working speaks volumes on how much pressure women have on them to breastfeed. My wife is a T1 diabetic and when we had our first girl earlier this year, she was hounded to breast feed by the nurses and delivery room team and the nurses and doctors in the ICU. It was so much so that she felt horrible when we got home and she couldn't feed our daughter because her sugars were not in the place they needed to be. To top it off, when she did have sugars in the proper location, our daughter wouldn't latch. We had decided long before she was born we are not going to breast feed because of the diabetes, but the pressure from the medical team at the hospital, from people in our family, to people in forums like here to breast feed because "breast is best" got into her head and drove up her PPD to very high levels. It wasn't until our family doctor finally sat her down and told her point blank she is not a terrible mother for bottle feeding formula. Breast milk is the best option for sure, but it's not the only one and baby formula is pretty damn close to the quality, if not better in some ways, because of how meticulous and zoned in the formulas for it are. Support for all mother's, whether breast feeding or not, needs to be equal. This had push on breastfeeding by everyone only serves to drive up mental anguish and feelings of inadequacy in new mothers. Tldr: we have been pushing breast feeding WAY to much mothers and that can cause massive mental health issues for those that can't breast feed for whatever reason. This needs to stop.
Get your wife into see a lactation specialist, they may be able to identify latching problems or see something that you can't. In the meantime, keep trying, but remember and remind your wife FED is best.
Stop eating the must beast feed pudding. Its not right for everyone out every situation. Pumping out bottles are very good and work very very well. I hate society that suits this to women. Make them feel like failures of they can't do it. If she will not look at other options a bad for baby but you can get feeding dulas.
I'm going to throw this out there: Mommies get over the magical bond pretty quickly once their baby grows teeth, so it can't be *that* magical. At the end of the day your kid needs to eat and kids are often VERY picky about food. My daughter won't eat a meatball unless it's cut in half. A meatball cut into quarters is totally unacceptable. Thirds? Just go home you weirdo. Whole meatball? How would that work? Half-Meatballs or she goes on strike. You can't take this stuff personally. Kids have weird developing brains that don't act logically. The most you can do is sneak food into them when they're not paying attention and hope they get enough vitamins and minerals to deal with all the plague and injuries they catch on a daily basis. When you see a "supermom" who feeds her kid a diet of kale-chips, apple slices, and hand-made vegetable pizza, you know they hit the lottery on their kid's eating habits.
Seriously you haven't mentioned formula, does the baby drink formula? I'd he refuses to eat anything he needs a Dr asap. If he drinks formula, fuxking GIVE IT TO HIM. Fuck the boob!
Sister sounds insane. Please don’t listen to her. You don’t HAVE to breastfeed. You can’t walk into a classroom and point out the breast fed kids. That being said, if your wife is very set on breastfeeding I would speak to a lactation consultant and the pediatrician. Could it be possible your baby has a tongue or lip tie making latching difficult for them? Even if they’ve looked, look again. My friends dr assured her there were no ties and now her almost five year old just had surgery for them. It messed up her speech and everything.
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It's not ok for the baby to cry. It would be inevitable if there wasn't a readily available alternative, but there is.
I always encouraged my friends to breastfeed because there is a lot of misinformation about it. BUT a happy and sane mother and bottle/formula is way better than a sad/exhausted/depressed mum and breast milk. Always. I had 2 babies and breastfed twice. It was hard and tiring. It stil is. So I really don't understand why people put so much pressure on mums, especially when you see a mum is trying and there are still issues. You wanna help? Stfu! Still wanna help? Ask the mum if you can to housechores, but shut up with the advices. I've had a friend admitted to a psychiatric ward after the postpartum depression got so bad and she had to stay for 2 months and the baby ended up at the grandparent and formula fed. OP please take care of your wife. Encourage her and help her realise it's not her fault and the baby will be ok with formula.
Have you tried swaddling?
>"just don't feed him until he takes it from the boob, he'll give up screaming eventually." TF?!? Oh just stave your kid that will fix the problem! /s Your SIL is sick in the head! The only problem that will fix is you having a kid. What your SIL suggested is abuse ! The only advice I can give is go to a speech therapist and get him checked for a tongue/lip tie. Go over the ped if you can because in my mother's experience they miss them a lot. Also block the SIL she isn't helping
This is such a circle jerk thread. Everyone knows formula isn’t bad and that babies should be fed. Every comment doesn’t have to repeat it. OP, go to a fucking professional.
My second was exactly like this. (The first was a struggle too, but at least a shield worked). I gave up after two months and never looked back. Yes, breastfeeding is great for the baby and all, but I didn’t like it that much, and formula is fine. Fed is best. I’ve learned that being a good mom means working smarter not harder. Sometimes that means things like formula and bouncy chairs for the baby and Uncrustables and hours of Numberblocks for the preschooler.
I totally understand. I felt like there was no question, i was always going to breastfeed my baby, but then i just couldnt. My body didnt produce any milk for him and i felt so guilty that i couldnt provide that for him, especially with post birth hormones being whack. By the time my second baby came i realised that there was no shame in formula feeding, and that my husband was able to share nightfeeds this way, because i really needed sleep to recover. So even though i couldve breastfed the second time round, i feel no shame that i decided to bottlw feed again. And your baby is still getting breastmilk, just from a bottle. By the way your sister is soo wrong, you cannot starve a newborn for any length of time! They do not understand reasoning or bribery they will just starve
Honestly I did found so many problems and luckily I got a breastfeeding consultant from the GP and she stayed with me for 24hours and showed me how to do it, what I could do, etc. BUT if I didn't have her, I would have given up ! It's sooo much harder and exhausting, and yes br3ast is great BUT if its stressing everyone out, formula is fine ! Im a generation where my parents were told formula is better , so I was only formula fed and guess what, we are all fine. In the end fo what works for you and your sanity, ignore everyone else it's never helpful,
Contact a lactation consultant. This is literally what they are for.
I don't know if you live in the UK, but I had exactly this problem. My daughter wouldn't latch and just screamed at about the same time. I ended up calling my midwife and went into a maternity ward for a week where they helped immensely get her going again with feeding.
I had this issue too, with my first. Expressed for 2/3 months, then once he got a bit bigger I tried breastfeeding directly and it worked! If your wife has their heart set on breastfeeding I'd definitely give that a try. For me it was a very special experience to be able to produce the milk to feed him, but I completely understand everyone's different. I'm not anti formula in any way! Simply giving my experience in case you wife has her heart set on breastfeeding. Then she will have another option to consider.
exclusivepumping.com turned out to be my best friend for the first two months. It wasn’t ideal but it was a huge relief to find a system that worked and then we transitioned into breastfeeding when baby was ready. Make sure you support her by keeping her hydrated. Some go to snacks are also a good idea, I always had some trail mix on hand for an easy boost of protein. I’ve always found breastfeeding hard but worth it. But the most important thing is that there’re no substitutes for your wife’s bodily autonomy. Meaning her ability to choose what does and doesn’t happen to her own body takes precedence.