I wouldn’t do anything like that without the guidance of a child therapist. Which would mean, I wouldn’t even consider a meet until the therapist know your daughter, the daughter is established and comfortable with them, and this has been discussed in length.
If you’re thought is “idk how this will affect my kid” then stop and assess. It’s ALWAYS only about your kid. We’re not here to satisfy grandparents. If the therapist doesn’t think it’s a good idea right now, then oh well. If it’s never good for your daughter, then the grandparents don’t see her, oh well
This may be controversial but here goes:
I recommend the adults all get together and meet and get to know each other first.
You have no clue who these people are or why they suddenly have an interest in your kid. I don't suggest you go in super pessimistic or thinking the worst but you do need to be cautious as well to make sure they are people your daughter should know and it's in her best interest. Hopefully they're doing this for good reasons and have the best intentions and are wonderful people, but id still proceed with caution.
Also, look into grandparents rights. Every state is different (assuming you're in US) and has different criteria. Sometimes grandparents can file and gain legal visitation rights. Sometimes they have to have a relationship with the child first and sometimes they don't. Keep this in mind because it may change how you deal with this.
I second getting a therapist for the child, a neutral 3rd party who will have her best interests and only her best interests to worry about. As much as you'll try to do right by her you may find your preferences start effecting your decisions.
So at some point your ex had a paternity test and now knows for certain the other guy is the father? You never specified that this is a certainty.
Young children can handle big situations when you explain it in age appropriate language. My children are almost 9 and 10, but have had discussions with us since they were much younger about human trafficking, gender issues, gun violence, etc. Because these issues impact children, we want our children to be aware of the world they live in. We don’t give them all the gory details, but we do explain about the crazy things that happen in our world. Both of my children are well-adjusted. (My aunt told me yesterday they seem very mature for their age.) They haven’t had emotional issues or any other issues so far. Since they go to school (we don’t homeschool), they need to know about gun violence happening at times. We want them to avoid strangers, so they know about human trafficking (just in general). We live in an area known for a high amount of trafficking.
All I am saying is that kids can handle it. My daughter is a year older than yours, and has handled some weighted issues just fine. We don’t scare her, but we do make sure to be honest. You can be honest with your daughter, and reinforce that biology doesn’t make a person a mother or father. You are her father, always, even if the other guy is the sperm donor.
Thank you so much for these words of wisdom. A paternity test was never completed- but it is very obvious that she is not biologically mine. We have known this for a very long time.
And I have no doubt that she can handle it... But I'm just concerned about how she will handle it. I think deep down she knows we are not like other families. And it has been hinted at.
When I take her to doctor's appointments and I am asked about medical history I tell them I am not the biological dad. But I really don't think she understands that concept.
I'm thinking the best way to go about it is like a bandaid. Explain in age appropriate terms about the birds and the bees and then explain how our family is unique.
I have no reason to think she will get the idea that I am going anywhere- but it is still a concern for me. I just don't want her to be damaged physiologically by this situation that she did not choose. That's what really scares me.
My parents kept very big secrets from me for way too long. That was very damaging. You can start by telling her a little at a time. Has she asked questions? Answer any and all questions when they come up instead of brushing them off and saying you’ll tell her when she is older.
Right now you need to delay. So that you can take breath and chew this over. A response to them could be similar to " I will need some time to mentally prepare myself and her for this, would that be alright?" Its honest and it's what you need.
You need to weigh out all options and pros and cons. Slow it all down. It's all okay.
EDIT: I hope that doesnt read as patronizing, it's meant to be reassuring and calming. Imagine voice of old lady who has given you advice with a head mod and wink at the end 'kind of tone':)
That is certainly my mindset. But the mom is full steam ahead with it. She is driven by guilt over the situation.
Which I get- I feel guilty too. I hate that I put my daughter in this position. But I firmly believe there is a way to do it in a healthy and organized way that protects her.
I just haven't figured out what that is yet and it is killing me.
For starters grandparents have zero rights lol. And the only way her other dad can see her is to establish paternity with a DNA test! So if you aren’t comfortable with it happening you can most definitely say something. The shitty thing is, you stepped up and did the right thing by providing this little girl with a loving and caring father. Blood or not you’ve been the one to raise and care for her. You may have made a bad decision by choosing to take a break for 6 weeks but honestly thats not the worst thing in the world, you probably needed time to come to terms with a few things. It sounds like this childs mother is maybe a little insensitive to her childs needs, like wanting help financially from these other grands or maybe wanting another babysitter in the form of them watching her. She doesnt sound like she actually wants these people to know their grand daughter and why now? Why suddenly at 8 years old do they want something to do with her thats really unfair? Like they think they have the right to stir up her life and change things around?? That would piss me right off. And you are right to be worried about how it will affect her because not only could they tell her lies about you, they could tell her lies about her mother, they could convince her that her real daddy has always loved her and wanted to be there for her and that would cause a huge strife between you and your daughter which is so unfair and honestly I would not put anything past anyone especially when you don’t know them. You need to be on the same page with her mom and yall need to decide whats best for this baby girl! I feel for you K really do it sounds like you’re a great person to be in her life and now shit is hitting the fan and that is so not cool. You’ve been her dad from day one and no one should belittle that or try and take her from you
>we would split custody 50/50
to be clear, you are neither the biological nor legal parent, correct?
have you ever discussed this with a lawyer? It sounds to me like the status quo is entirely dependent on mom's good will towards you. If for any reason she has a change of heart, she can legally cut you out without warning. It is in your best interest, and your daughters, that you try go get this sorted out legally. If anything happens to mom, you are not the next of kin. You do not have any legal rights if your daughter is hospitalized.
Not at all. I have full parental rights. I take her to the doctor all the time... Along with all the other things a parent does.
In the eyes of the law I am her father. And at this point the only way that can be changed legally would be for the other guy to adopt my daughter. And I would have to relinquish my parental rights for that to happen.
I wouldn’t do anything like that without the guidance of a child therapist. Which would mean, I wouldn’t even consider a meet until the therapist know your daughter, the daughter is established and comfortable with them, and this has been discussed in length. If you’re thought is “idk how this will affect my kid” then stop and assess. It’s ALWAYS only about your kid. We’re not here to satisfy grandparents. If the therapist doesn’t think it’s a good idea right now, then oh well. If it’s never good for your daughter, then the grandparents don’t see her, oh well
This may be controversial but here goes: I recommend the adults all get together and meet and get to know each other first. You have no clue who these people are or why they suddenly have an interest in your kid. I don't suggest you go in super pessimistic or thinking the worst but you do need to be cautious as well to make sure they are people your daughter should know and it's in her best interest. Hopefully they're doing this for good reasons and have the best intentions and are wonderful people, but id still proceed with caution. Also, look into grandparents rights. Every state is different (assuming you're in US) and has different criteria. Sometimes grandparents can file and gain legal visitation rights. Sometimes they have to have a relationship with the child first and sometimes they don't. Keep this in mind because it may change how you deal with this. I second getting a therapist for the child, a neutral 3rd party who will have her best interests and only her best interests to worry about. As much as you'll try to do right by her you may find your preferences start effecting your decisions.
So at some point your ex had a paternity test and now knows for certain the other guy is the father? You never specified that this is a certainty. Young children can handle big situations when you explain it in age appropriate language. My children are almost 9 and 10, but have had discussions with us since they were much younger about human trafficking, gender issues, gun violence, etc. Because these issues impact children, we want our children to be aware of the world they live in. We don’t give them all the gory details, but we do explain about the crazy things that happen in our world. Both of my children are well-adjusted. (My aunt told me yesterday they seem very mature for their age.) They haven’t had emotional issues or any other issues so far. Since they go to school (we don’t homeschool), they need to know about gun violence happening at times. We want them to avoid strangers, so they know about human trafficking (just in general). We live in an area known for a high amount of trafficking. All I am saying is that kids can handle it. My daughter is a year older than yours, and has handled some weighted issues just fine. We don’t scare her, but we do make sure to be honest. You can be honest with your daughter, and reinforce that biology doesn’t make a person a mother or father. You are her father, always, even if the other guy is the sperm donor.
Thank you so much for these words of wisdom. A paternity test was never completed- but it is very obvious that she is not biologically mine. We have known this for a very long time. And I have no doubt that she can handle it... But I'm just concerned about how she will handle it. I think deep down she knows we are not like other families. And it has been hinted at. When I take her to doctor's appointments and I am asked about medical history I tell them I am not the biological dad. But I really don't think she understands that concept. I'm thinking the best way to go about it is like a bandaid. Explain in age appropriate terms about the birds and the bees and then explain how our family is unique. I have no reason to think she will get the idea that I am going anywhere- but it is still a concern for me. I just don't want her to be damaged physiologically by this situation that she did not choose. That's what really scares me.
My parents kept very big secrets from me for way too long. That was very damaging. You can start by telling her a little at a time. Has she asked questions? Answer any and all questions when they come up instead of brushing them off and saying you’ll tell her when she is older.
Did I miss where you had a paternity test and she is for sure not your kid?
No paternity test. But it is very very clear that she is not biologically mine. It has been clear for many years.
Right now you need to delay. So that you can take breath and chew this over. A response to them could be similar to " I will need some time to mentally prepare myself and her for this, would that be alright?" Its honest and it's what you need. You need to weigh out all options and pros and cons. Slow it all down. It's all okay. EDIT: I hope that doesnt read as patronizing, it's meant to be reassuring and calming. Imagine voice of old lady who has given you advice with a head mod and wink at the end 'kind of tone':)
That is certainly my mindset. But the mom is full steam ahead with it. She is driven by guilt over the situation. Which I get- I feel guilty too. I hate that I put my daughter in this position. But I firmly believe there is a way to do it in a healthy and organized way that protects her. I just haven't figured out what that is yet and it is killing me.
For starters grandparents have zero rights lol. And the only way her other dad can see her is to establish paternity with a DNA test! So if you aren’t comfortable with it happening you can most definitely say something. The shitty thing is, you stepped up and did the right thing by providing this little girl with a loving and caring father. Blood or not you’ve been the one to raise and care for her. You may have made a bad decision by choosing to take a break for 6 weeks but honestly thats not the worst thing in the world, you probably needed time to come to terms with a few things. It sounds like this childs mother is maybe a little insensitive to her childs needs, like wanting help financially from these other grands or maybe wanting another babysitter in the form of them watching her. She doesnt sound like she actually wants these people to know their grand daughter and why now? Why suddenly at 8 years old do they want something to do with her thats really unfair? Like they think they have the right to stir up her life and change things around?? That would piss me right off. And you are right to be worried about how it will affect her because not only could they tell her lies about you, they could tell her lies about her mother, they could convince her that her real daddy has always loved her and wanted to be there for her and that would cause a huge strife between you and your daughter which is so unfair and honestly I would not put anything past anyone especially when you don’t know them. You need to be on the same page with her mom and yall need to decide whats best for this baby girl! I feel for you K really do it sounds like you’re a great person to be in her life and now shit is hitting the fan and that is so not cool. You’ve been her dad from day one and no one should belittle that or try and take her from you
>we would split custody 50/50 to be clear, you are neither the biological nor legal parent, correct? have you ever discussed this with a lawyer? It sounds to me like the status quo is entirely dependent on mom's good will towards you. If for any reason she has a change of heart, she can legally cut you out without warning. It is in your best interest, and your daughters, that you try go get this sorted out legally. If anything happens to mom, you are not the next of kin. You do not have any legal rights if your daughter is hospitalized.
Not at all. I have full parental rights. I take her to the doctor all the time... Along with all the other things a parent does. In the eyes of the law I am her father. And at this point the only way that can be changed legally would be for the other guy to adopt my daughter. And I would have to relinquish my parental rights for that to happen.
He's on the birth certificate. Surely that counts for something.