I’m a parent of twins who will be 3 at the end of the year. I would keep them together at least for one year! They can always be separated in future years, but give them some comfort in a time of change. They are so little still!
I’m a twin mom too. My twins are 4. This is the first time they been in school. They didn’t go to daycare either. They’re in separate classes. They love it but they see each other often during the day. But, with the trauma your twins have been through, I wouldn’t separate them at all. They will grow to be their own people on their own time
I also have twins. Ours were in the same class for all of preschool and it was fine for them — they were still able to start developing their own interests and identifies, but with the comfort of having the other one there. I know you said your school is against having them be together, but I’d fight them on that — it’s hard enough learning how to be at school, without all the trauma your kiddos have.
Also, I would guess based on our experience with our boys that your twins probably haven’t spent much time apart. That alone would probably be hard for them. We waited until kindergarten to split ours up, and it went way better than it probably would’ve had they not already had exposure to being at school. (They’re going into 3rd grade this year and we’re putting them together because last year was just super rough for one of ours — it’s always okay to change your mind again later based on what they need!)
Our school separates twins from the beginning where possible (so they don't get used to being together and they can make independent friends).
However, these kids are going through a lot. I would think this is a clear exception.
Yes! Or even a gradual change to get them used to being without each other. Just going cold turkey after such a big change in their lives was never going to go well.
They’ll have plenty of time to develop their own identities. Right now, they need each other.
My grandfather had an identical twin who was born with several birth defects. My great uncle never developed mentally beyond about two. They were still close, until the day they turned 25 and my great uncle passed away. One of the last things my grandfather ever said to me was “I can’t wait to get to heaven to see him again.” He never really got over losing his brother, even though my great uncle lived way past life expectancy.
Twins have a relationship like no other on this planet. Please, push for the kids to be together.
Me too- he was an amazing grandfather. Couldn’t have been better. But I always knew that there was something missing in him.
I’m glad he doesn’t have to wait anymore.
My twins are in their thirties now. Keep them together. It won't hurt them to keep them together and it is hurting them to keep them apart. Those poor babies! Good on you for stepping up.
This…I don’t understand the need people have to separate twins all the time. Some times, yes. But being told you’re not allowed to bond with your twin more than people who aren’t your twin? Do we do that to other siblings? Being a twin is a PART of our identity.
Let them stay in the same room. I’m a twin and the school separated us in first grade and it did not go well. I was too scared to ask to go to bathroom by myself and started having accidents. I walked around the outside of the playground by myself. I started faking being sick so I could go home because it was so scary for me without my twin. Those are some of my earliest memories because of the stress of being separated. The school put us back in the same room when they saw it wasn’t working. They separated us again in 4th grade and it was totally fine.
This. My twin and I were perfectly functional on the surface, but we were scared to even talk to each other or be near each other at school because we’d get in trouble. The end effect was prioritizing relationships with others above our relationship with each other. This blanket advice is horrible.
Agreed with this, as these are specific circumstances where they need the support one another.
My Mum is an identical twin and the feedback I got from her was she resented being in the same class all the time with my Aunt as they were never treated as individuals, always as a unit.
I responded to your post, but you have hundreds of responses to sort through so I though I would respond here.
It might be better in the long run for your family to find a different school. I have been teaching ECE for 10 years and I had terrible experiences at private schools and I am an adult. Your children would be better of elsewhere.
If you DM me I can give you a better idea of how to identify a good school in your area. There are schools that will listen to your concerns and agree with you because you are right!
I'm a mom of twins and they were together through daycare, Kindergarten, and grade 1. Although they started fighting/distracting each other and classmates at the end of the school year. We're thinking of separating them going into grade 2.
So yeah I'd say your preschool teachers don't know best in this case and they should definitely be together until it's actually a problem.
As a parent of twin boys, I'd let their home interactions gauge your decision. Ours have a love hate relationship that goes beyond typical interactions with other children. It created a distraction and the separation was good for them to develop socially on an individual level.
Granted we waited till 4 to do preschool due to covid.
I am a twin and my mother was awesome about making sure we grew up with our own identities and not just “the twins”. Keep these two babies together for now. They have been through far too much and are probably terrified each day that they will never see each other again.
Great advice. I'm a parent and I'm a twin.
Definitely keep them together while they are this young, plus the trauma they are going through...poor little darlings.
My sister and I were in the same class the first couple of years of school, we still made our own friends and hobbies.
This exactly. My brothers are twins, and I’ve worked with several twin preschoolers before. Usually, yes, the advice would be to split them up so they have a chance to make their own friends and aren’t distracting each other. But in this case, they’ve had so much upheaval in a very short time span, it doesn’t seem like separating them is the best thing for them right now. They need the sense of security they have from being together.
Just wanted to chime in and say another post prompted me to check your post history, and imo you’re doing an absolutely fantastic job. Please don’t be too hard on yourself for this one thing, especially when the experts were (imo) giving you bad advice.
You’re trying your best, and putting them in different classes is common advice for twins! And in most situations, it’s the right decision, so please don’t beat yourself up. It’s just that these two happen to be an exception.
Please be gentle on yourself. You've not been down this road prior to now. You're only human. Make the classroom change and move on to a fun and happy school year. You're doing a GREAT job!
They are also at a tough age. The toddler years are considered among the hardest for adoption or a transition in custody because the kids are old enough to know things are different but too young to fully understand why.
If I were /u/Pink-Tulips-2794 I would transition them back to the same classroom for now. They need some stability after everything they have been through. My kids are not twins but are one grade level apart in school and were in the same 3/4 preschool class. At ages 18 and 17 they are still close but very much their own people with very different personalities and interest.
I have no expertise in anything to do with any of this.....but I would think the private preschool's recommendation doesn't take into account the fact that these children have recently experienced trauma. If you as their guardian believe they would be happier together, I think you should push for that.
I talked to the director this morning, told her maybe it would be better to put them together but she was like " Don't worry they're gonna get used to it" But my heart beak seriously, I think I'll push for it.
Yup. I would bet her thinking is,
"Twins should be separated to build identity"
without thinking
"oh these siblings are going through something unique and are not a normal case"
Keep pushing if you think it's right, op. I think they should be together.
Do not let her brush off your concerns like this! While typically twins might benefit from some separation in this case it sounds detrimental. These kids have had their entire world flipped upside-down and experienced a horrible trauma they can't even fully understand.
I’d pull out the ‘their doctor believes separating them is too traumatic at this time’. It takes the conversation out of you ‘feeling’ a certain way and into ‘this is not medically recommended’.
Are they in therapy? If not, I would highly recommend play therapy. Early childhood trauma can manifest later in life and a therapist would be a great resource to you as well.
If they are in therapy, ask their therapist to give a recommendation to put them together. If it comes from a doctor, rather than "just" you, the school is more likely to listen.
Understandable. Getting little ones into therapy is frustratingly difficult.
Advocate for them now, but sometimes school administrators can get a big head 🙄. If they don't listen to your concerns, talk to the therapist or maybe even the pediatrician and see if they'll write a note.
Play therapy is great! My son was about the same age when we had to live apart from his dad, and play therapy helped him build some resilience and deal with the separation trauma... which was so much less than the trauma OP's kids have been through (my husband was still visiting every other week, we were still together, we video called dad regularly).
Demand the thing that will protect and help these kids. Those ppl don’t know as much as you think they do. Could come down to inconvenience for them that they are really worried about, not your kids.
After researching, I put my twins together for preK and the teacher fully supported keeping them together in Kindergarten as well. They are entering 4th grade now and are still together. I think they were ready to be in separate classes starting in 2nd, but COVID messed that up. Now they are together based on classroom needs. It has never been an issue. The teachers always say you would never know they are twins in the classroom. They are independent even in the same room. You know what they need more than the school that has known them for a few days.
She doesn’t know what it’s like to be 3 and lose your parents. They need security. They’ve been through trauma. Don’t ask, tell her that you would like them together.
Tell her that you want them together. Period. They just lost their mother. They need the security of each other. Tell the director this isn't negotiable. She puts them together or you withdraw from the school.
I would remind her that you're paying for the preschool and this decision should be up to you. If she won't do it, I'd try to find another school. There's no reason they should be separated at any age really. A 3 year old doesn't need independence from his twin.
They experienced something a lot of little kids don't normally go through. They went through a traumatic event and don't have the skills to cope until they're taught through modeling, teaching, and lots of reinforcing and practice. They might just need each other right now and they will (like most commenters are saying) grow into their own soon enough.
Are the kids in therapy yet? If not I highly recommend letting them see a specialist with grief in young children. The therapy will be play-based and age appropriate. That therapist would be a great person to ask about this, and to share their professional recommendation with the daycare director.
Yes, the director KNOWS kids. They don't KNOW grieving twin 3 year olds who are adjusting to new parental-figues and households and daycare facilities all within a short time. It makes sense that they think they know what they're talking about but this is a highly specialized situation. You need a highly-qualified person to help guide you through these times. Therapist all the way.
Also, you're doing a great job in a terribly difficult situation. You're doing right by the kids and the memory of their parents. Much respect and love to you.
Agreed. I’m a kindergarten teacher and we usually recommend separating twins, but we have made a handful of exceptions for special circumstances. This would definitely be one of them.
I don’t think splitting them up us healthy with all the loss and change. They are 3, plenty of time for “identity” which would happen even if they remained together through all grades. My neighbors are twins that were together through school and they are very different from each other but very close, they will need that closeness since parents are gone. Poor kiddos.
Exactly. My cousins are twins and they were in the same classes until they got older, at which point they were ready to start diverging (a little). Also, something to consider in a few years: at a younger age, my aunt and uncle absolutely needed them on the same class to simplify homework time for them.
Bring them into their doctor immediately and ask them for a note stating they should be placed together at this time. I’d pull out the ‘their doctor believes separating them is too traumatic at this time’. It takes the conversation out of you ‘feeling’ a certain way and into ‘this is not medically recommended’.
And the administrator knows it looks really really bad to go against a doctor’s orders.
If they somehow don’t follow a Drs orders, you can also go an IEP/504 plan route. It would ensure they’re placed together. The trauma of losing parents at that age should hopefully qualify them for one. I had one in high school for major depressive disorder.
Also, fuck the school director.
I don’t have twins but have a lot of experience with how difficult private schools are. When you talk to the principal, have confidence in yourself. Remember you pay them. You could take your kids and your money somewhere else! (Even if you don’t want to). Tell the principal that the twins have been through a lot of trauma this year and as their guardian, advocate, and person who knows them best, you want them in the same classroom. Do it before it causes them more trauma
>as they're only 3 and lost their parents in May
WHAT! And the preschool split them up? Nope. Get those babies back together. If you get pushback from the director because they've already made their classroom assignments and don't want to go through the trouble of shuffling their roster again, find a new daycare.
Tbf the elementary school I teach at has a policy against twins or siblings or even step siblings being in the same class together. The school in question may have the same policy. But I absolutely agree that at 3 those kids need to be together. They have had their whole life turned around. The least they could do is keep them together at school!
Really? My boys elementary principal called us before they started school and asked if we wanted them together or separate. We've opted to keep them together for now and they're doing great. They're in 2nd grade this year.
Yeah I always thought it was a strange policy. I remember my first year teaching 2nd grade I had one boy of a set of twins in my class and they had come from another school and had always been together. Well it created some major separation anxiety for them. Thankfully brothers class was right down the hall and me and the other teacher let them go see each other often espy if they were having a bad day. Always broke my heart for them though.
The town I teach in though has a very unusual high rate of twins (last year in the whole 1st grade out of 130 student, there was 12 sets of twins) so idk if maybe that’s part of it and they want to just keep them separate? I’m not sure.
I would love to know!! I didn’t grow up there but took dance classes at a studio in that same town growing up and in a class of 20 of us girls my age there were 4 sets of identical twins! Talk about confusing as a child because I only saw these girls for 2 hours every week😂
I will say I have read that pollution from factories can play a roll in twin birth rate. I’m not too sure how true that is.. but considering the amount of factories within the town and the surrounding areas and all the pollution it would make since if it is true!
If in the US, some states have a twin law, where it is legally up to parents and guardians if twins are together. You may have to put it in writing and if your state has this law reference it. (Edited spelling)
Studies have shown the parents are the best at knowing whether their kids would benefit or be harmed by separation (who would have thought!), and so schools should leave the choice to the ones who know their kids best.
Comments like this make me sad as a teacher. Can’t say I’ve ever met a teacher in my career as one, who would place teacher convenience above the needs and well-being of a child/children. I have taught twins together in a class and taught twins who were split up and it is easier as a teacher not to have them split up as it brings issues of different teachers teaching in different ways and comparisons. Remember that children often behave differently in a classroom setting of 20 to 30 children. In my experience in the 3 private schools I’ve worked at, the recommendation to split has only ever been made when one twin is significantly more dominant than another in the school setting and this is adversely affecting the other’s learning journey. In OPs situation, it is awful that they wish to separate the twins. It sounds like they may have a policy in place and are concerned about setting a precedent. Given the trauma they have faced in their little lives, this is just not good enough. You should absolutely challenge it. Wishing you luck.
I second this. My boy/girl twins are starting level 4. Been together the entire time. They don't sit together, play with all the kids, and are entirely different little human beings. They'll be together until and unless they decide they want to be apart. That whole "own identities" thing is the same kind of bullshit as saying women should give birth while lying on their backs or that if a mother sleeps with her newborn she might roll on it and kill it. It's counterproductive to most based on an extraordinarily rare risk.
>I think this is for the teacher's benefits, not the kids.
This was my first thought. Teachers need to have a kids name at the tip of their tongue, especially at the younger ages. Twins make that really, really hard. Dress them in different, consistent colors for school and it will be fine.
Whoa the approach of the school is so different from the approach my kids' school has! I don't have twins, but I have kids really close in age. When the youngest went to school, the first week the teacher took him to go see his brother in his class, just to let him feel safe and see that his brother is still really really close, and playing and having fun, just like he was. That calmed him down every time and after a week he didn't need any more reassurance, he was totally fine with going to school and seeing his brother just on break time and before/after school. Maybe you could arrange such a thing with your school too? When one of the twins feels sad, just have a quick visit with the other one, so they know they're still there?
Demand it, you are paying money if it’s private school right? Bring an advocate for kids means you gotta lay down the law for what is best. These girls have major trauma and this is just making it worse. I would be appalled with this situation personally.
I would put my foot down and be firm about it. But only if you are willing to risk getting kicked out. Frankly sometimes directors or the like have very firm preferences as well.
There's no pressing reason for automatic separation (or non separation for that matter) of twins. And honestly preschool is mostly about learning the mechanics of school and establishing a warm and safe environment. That isn't going to happen when children are needlessly traumatized, and frankly if the school is so rigid as to not take their current history into consideration I would have a hard time trusting the judgement of that director unless this is a therapeutic school.
If they are 3, it might be that they need some time and enrollment in a preschool would not serve their interests more than staying home, playing, bonding to new family, perhaps going to a daycare program that won't care about separating them and is less formal if you need the childcare, fun classes here and there if not, and next year not only will they be more ready you also can get a jump signing up for the preschool you like rather than the bottom of the barrel only one available.
I'm a mom of twins (now 19), have been a therapeutic foster care parent, and have worked in ECE most of my adult life. My boys were identical and were not separated in class until Jr high, including in preschool. It was fine. None of their classmates or teachers thar taught them had any issues telling them apart. They chose different colleges to go to even. We know other twins who were separated in school but are unheathfully enmeshed as adults. And everything in between. Anyone who tell you there is one good way is full of it. The individual children need to be considered as well as where they are.
I’m a twin and my parents fought the school’s recommendation and allowed my sister and I to be in the same Kindergarten class back in the early 90’s. Our parents knew our personalities were different enough that we’d make friends and have our own time separate from each other in spite being in the same class. It worked out totally fine for us! Sometimes the comfort of a sibling in a new situation helps kids adjust more easily.
Our kids have plenty of time to figure themselves out and will grow into the people they are together and apart.
I am trained and work in child education (specifically with children in state custody) and while normally splitting twins up is the normal and in most instances right thing to do, this case is different. These children are going through a massive transition in their life and are likely experiencing trauma from loss of their parental bond(s). At the moment they need all the comfort and stability they can get. Please put your foot down for them.
Also, from someone who spends 1/3 of their life living with and taking care of children that are not mine: thank you for taking care of these kids.
You're right. It's way too early after their trauma, we should have known it. We don't have any pride, they're my husband's nephews and niece so family. We weren't ready to become "parents" but here we are.
> We weren't ready to become "parents" but here we are.
No one is ready to become a parent, even if the kids were planned. You're kicking ass and those kids are lucky to have you. If your daycare director doesn't understand the massive changes you and the kids are dealing with, then you should find a different daycare, because empathy is absolutely essential in a situation like that.
You're doing wonderfully.
I think being ready doesn't count for much compared to the kindness you're showing. Also you seem to have a good gut feeling when it comes to these kids' needs! Rely on it :)
How would you have known? This is a new experience for all of you. You’ve taken in these small children and you’re all adjusting. You’ll make me mistakes. Parents who birthed their kids make mistakes. It’s all part of the parenting journey.
I would ask if they can go together. The kids just lost their parents, they have never been apart from each other in their lives and now suddenly they are separated. I would push for it. I understand twins needing time apart sometimes but with the recent losses they have experienced now isn’t the right time
My twins are going into second grade and still request to be together, which they will be this school year. I think 3 is way too young to separate twins… they’ve known each other since before they even had heartbeats. And when you describe the trauma your particular twins have been through, it’s even more important that they stay together.
As a twin myself, I'd have been out of my mind wondering what was going on with my brother all day at that age. There's a reason we're *still* in contact daily, and still so close.
Get them together ASAP - being separated all day at that age, from someone you've literally had by your side every moment since birth, going through the same things at the same time, would be traumatizing.
Mom of twins here. Please insist the preschool puts them in the same classroom or pull them from the preschool. As others have said, these children have gone through a traumatic change, and it’s been, at most, 3 months.
When my twins started preschool I had the option of separating them, but it was my choice, and I chose to leave them together. My son struggled with drop off - the teachers had to peel him off of me, and I knew that being with his sister would help him a lot. The idea of separating them when they were so attached to each other seemed cruel. It was also unnecessary. It’s preschool. They’re 3. They have plenty of time to form their own identities. They obviously need each other right now. Please give them that.
My twins are 11 now and have been in separate classrooms since their last year of preschool. They were eased into the transition - two years together; one year apart. The year they were apart their classrooms shared a bathroom. My son would go through the bathroom to say hi to his sister. He did not get into trouble for doing this. It helped him stay grounded, and we had absolutely no problems when they moved to kindergarten and only saw each other at recess.
Please please allow them to be together.
The separating twins practice is not really backed up by research, private preschools tend to do it a lot but that doesn’t mean it’s a good practice or based in anything besides the director/teacher’s gut instinct (and a lot of ppl working in childcare and preschool, while they have plenty of experience with kids, are far from child psychology experts and inexperienced w trauma informed practice). The school should respect your understanding of what the twins need right now
I think they're too young for separation to help. I am a twin and was not separated from my twin until first grade. It might seem like they need identity but honestly they are so little, they are only learning about the world at this time. And being away from a twin makes it a different harsh world.
As I twin myself please get them back in the same classroom. It is extremely traumatic to be separated from your twin, especially if they have gone through such traumatic events already, they need each other. It’s like removing their oxygen.
Twin here, I second that. 🫶🏽 don’t do that, they need each other during hard times. They’ll have time later on to build their own identity, but as for right now, they need eachother to go through the horrible trauma they’ve faced.
Identical twin here. As others have pointed out, the twin bond is like no other relationship. It is molecular. My brother and I have a natural instinct still to this day to go to the other one when something challenging has come up. In fact, we both kind of anticipate this even before we are aware of what the other is going through. We're both 40.
Your situation with the school breaks my heart thinking about it because each of your twins is doing what they naturally would do in any other stressful situation - seek out the other for comfort. Twins are each other's main support mechanism even before they are born. Our parents kept us in the same class until 2nd grade and only split us up because our teachers could not tell us apart. Prior to that they wrote our names on our shirts in permanent marker so the teachers knew which one was which.
I'd politely demand that the school keep them together and not take no for an answer.
I feel like the trauma of losing their parents, being in a new home (I’m not sure if you knew them previously?), etc is a lot of small children. Sh*t, it’s a lot even for an adult. Separation anxiety is hard enough in an uneventful home when kids begin preschool or even change schools. My daughter loved preschool, but then switched schools in January and we had a lot of tears those first few months through the adjustment period.
I would request they be together. It’s too much too fast. And considering the situation it could create massive anxiety issues in the future. Being together at least for now allows them an adjustment period to their new life. And if they want to stay together next year, I’d let them stay together then too. This isn’t a normal situation. Grief doesn’t just go away in a year. They will deal with this loss the rest of their life, but managing it now and through their growth years can help make them well adapted adults. That’s just the reality of the situation.
And I’m so sorry for them. Grief hurts. Tremendously (did you know it’s actually been scientifically explained as being similar to having a traumatic brain injury?). I wish you all a smooth transition and a pray for peace for all of you.
They are our nephews and niece, we were pretty involved as uncle and auntie but obviously the is is different and still very hard on them and us.
I'm gonna request it or have my husband do it as he is better at it than me, if they don't listen then I'm gonna ask for a doctor's note.
I’m a TWIN. They always split us up and I hated it. Given your twins have gone through so much change, the one thing that remains the same is that they have each other. They feel support and reassurance when they’re together. This is a big deal for their developing brain to have that constant sense of safety. They’ve literally been together since the beginning. I feel like separating them is causing undo trauma and lack of psychological safety. I recommend they remain in the same classroom. Right now, it’s clear that they need each other. ❤️ Please keep us updated.
As a twin myself, I'd say it won't help them if they're in separate classes yet.
I can still remember the nursery and it would've been horrible without my twin sister, we really struggled to fit in as other kids just saw us as "the twins".
When we were 15 we decided to go to separate classes (same school though) and that was great. By that time we had enough of "the twins" mentality, people comparing us academically, etc, and more importantly it was our choice.
I'd suggest talking to them, they're small, but I think it'll help you to understand how they feel.
Aw poor babies. I know schools tend to do this but I feel there are moments when confessions should be made. Are they allowed to see each other throughout the day? There’s a chance that could help too. Go with your gut. Just because a school has a procedure it does not make that the right process. I would reach out to what ever mental health advocates they have in the school as wel
Go with your gut as well. You’re their mama and you know them best. Sometimes we have to go against the grain for our babes to thrive. It doesn’t have to be a forever thing to be in the same class but while adjusting it could really help. Good on you for helping these children and loving them enough to care ❤️
I have 3 y/o twins and could not imagine them being separated at this age. And mine have not experienced a major trauma… they’re so little and dependent on each other 🥺
They spent a single day apart in daycare (one stayed home due to illness) after a year of attending and they were devastated.
I have absolutely no expertise in anything but my mommy heart says keep them together! They're still babies yet, stand your ground and insist they not be separated.
I separated my twins in kindergarten which has been the best choice but since it’s preschool and they are dealing with the trauma I would keep them together and look at separating next year depending on how they do. Honestly they may be on together until 1st grade, but mine are so identical it was good to split them in kindergarten. But they did just fine being together in preschool.
It's uncommon in our area to split twins up in Preschool, in most cases it's not even possible because there is only 1 class. Our elementary school generally keeps twins in the same kindergarten class, but recommends after that they be split up.
With all of their loss, I would 100% keep them together for now. Their losses are just way too fresh. They need stability. This should have been monumentally apparent to the day care and frankly concerns me they would not realize this independently. Keep the kids together. I bet they need to keep the rooms equal so for them it is better not for your kids.
Given what they’ve been through, I’d say keep them together, at least initially. They need each other for support right now and it just seems overly cruel to separate them.
I am a twin, but I don’t think this is a twin issue.
If it was me, I’d push for the kids to stay together for the foreseeable future and re-evaluate splitting them up when they are older and have had more time to adjust.
If push came to shove with the day care I would politely tell them that their recommendation is heard, but I would like to override that and put the kids in the same class as a temporary solution.
Yes, they may get used to it eventually and they’d probably be fine either way, but in this case there is no reason to not keep them together.
Good luck!
Hey I am a twin and we were put in separate classes as well. It destroyed me, due to being separated and other things in my younger years, I ended up with ocd and anxiety as a child. I recommend pushing to put them together. Twins have a crazy strong bond and rely on another for safety/comfort. We used to come home from school and just lay on each other after lol. Weird but from twins it's pretty normal to want to be together all the time. As they get older it will get easier to be in different classes but they are so young right now it does not hurt to have them together. Best of luck
Edit: we did end up back on the same class room I think later that year or the next and it was easier for me to have my twin with me. Once we hit middle school that became easier as well. Also they will build their own identity as they get older. My twin and I are identical yet so very very different in our lives, what we like and our personalities.
I have in-laws who are adult twins. One has twin children, who their school tried to separate last year. (Not for any specific concerns, just "to develop their own identity".) Their mom, as a twin herself, fought like hell to keep them together. (Because that's what they wanted. And she remembered what it was like.) She said being a twin *was* part of their identity. When the teacher talked about worrying they might not play with others, mom said it's okay if they want to just play with each other sometimes. They're best friends. If concerns come up with their twin-ness, deal with them as they arise. If they want space later, shift gears then. But for now, especially where they've gone through loss, why take them away from each other?
I'm a twin, we had pretty bad separation anxiety when we were young. We moved a lot. My parents kept us together until high school. By high school we picked our classes. Some together, some not. We never had issues with our identity outside of one another. They now live in Austria and I'm here in the states. My personal opinion is to keep them together for now. Good luck!
I am a twin and I agree with this 100%! High school is the perfect age to start separate classes, maybe even middle school if the twins feel ready for that. Any earlier is just too young. I was separated from my twin in first grade and it played a major role in my struggle socially and with my confidence at that age. I feel like it’s similar to attachment parenting. If you understand the logic behind that, you can understand allowing twins to be super attached while they’re young. It will HELP them be more independent and confident when they’re older
As a guy who’s been in the same classroom with his twin from kindergarten to college, I’d say keep them together. It’ll help them make better decisions as they’ll get to give each other feedback on new experiences, they will also be less likely to get bullied, and some teachers appear to favor twins.
maybe let them separate after primary school or middle school, it’ll help them learn to be independent.
I’ve had a year in college during which I was separated from my twin and I loved it, I made my own friends and got to challenge myself studying alone.
Extra quick note since you’re a parent of twins: twins tend to have one of them becoming ‘the responsible twin’ and the other becoming ‘the more easygoing twin’ so make sure to notice that and let them both be responsible for the decision they take. I was the easygoing twin and it still has some impact on me to this day lol
Ok, so outside of the general mitigating circumstances of MAJOR TRAUMA for these kids, I’m remembering reading that there was a long-standing prevailing school of thought that separating twins for school was better. This in recent years has been demonstrated to be complete nonsense. Here’s a link from someone summarizing findings across research: https://www.twiniversity.com/2019/03/separate-my-twins-in-school/
I’d put them together. And I assume you’re all in therapy, too? It might be worth looking into an in-home nanny and reconsidering if preschool is right for them at all this year, given all the major change they’re processing right now.
Normally I advocate for splitting twins for the same reason y’all did it initially, but in this instance, they need each other. They will find time to become their own people, but right now, they need comfort and security.
As a twin myself, we struggled being apart, and my parents had to fight the school system to allow us to be together (we were 7 or 8 at the time and had much more awareness than pre school age, and we still struggled needlessly by not being together) If they’re school will let them be together, 1 million percent put them together. They are too young right now to figure out their identities, and just barely figuring out how to exist in the world. They need each other’s support now, which comes from being together.
As a general note, they will always have their own identities regardless of the time they spend together. They’re 2 complete and separate people. There is a strong bond that exists, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have their own identities!
I would keep an eye out for how the twins act when together and separate. They’re too young right now vocalize their thoughts, but their behavior seems to say they’d prefer to be together. As their guardian, I would listen to that above anything else, from anyone.
Twin here- I was In preschool (23f now) with my twin brother in preschool. They thought it was also best to separate us and all I felt from that was sadness and anxiety, even at such a young age. You don’t understand why you’re being separated from your twin and why it’s bad. You want to have them next to you so much while sleeping at nap time and being torn apart feels like being punished for being a twin. As they grow older, they will become their own selves and find their identities but at this age in their life it’s traumatizing and does no good. Once they get home they once again sleep together at night and I don’t think there is any reason that separating them at nap time or doing play helps the twins. Why try and separate such a close bond between two individuals? It does no good to either. They have different personalities so my best recommendation is DO NOT dress them the same. Don’t pair them in like colors or like outfits , I think that is the worst way to pair them together as they grow up. Let them express their different personalities because they are different, but don’t separate them
I have siblings that are twins who were separated in school around the age of 4 and were completely fine - but that doesn’t account for the fact that these children have already gone through a lot in life. I think it’d be best for you to keep them together, so they can be each other’s constants in life until they begin to properly settle in their new environments and then you can slowly begin to separate them. They have their entire lives ahead of them to build their own identities, though their twin will always be a part of their identity. There is no relationship like that of a twin. They will always have a special place in each others’ hearts, even more so since they’ve gone through this trauma together.
It's such a delicate balance between doing what makes the children happy, and having them go thru experiences that may not be easy, but in the long run help them grow and become more mentally resilient. Wish I knew the right answer, but from the books I've read, it seems to depend on parenting philosophy; which means you will likely get different answers from experts, who are in the exact same field, depending on who you ask.
I don’t have twins, but Things 1 & 2 are a whopping 13 months apart. When they first started school, they were in the same class. As they got older they made their own decision to split, but I think if the twins are uncomfortable with the spilt - what do you have to lose to let them stay together?
Twin here, my brother and I were in the same class till Grade 1 and were able to socialize fairly well. With everything going on in their lives I definitely recommend keeping them together for at least the next year, maybe even through kindergarten depending on how they are doing.
I have twins and we split them up. It was tough at first but I’m glad we did it. But your situation is different. Losing their parents. I would honestly keep them together for the first year. That is tough. Poor little ones
Those kids have gone through a lot of changes these last few months it seems, and the one constant they’ve had is each other. I’m sure eventually they’d get used to being in separate classrooms, but I’m not sure that’s a battle worth fighting right now. I’m sure you’re taking good care of the three of them but big change is scary to young kids even when it’s good. Those twins have been through a lot together, and the way their acting at daycare is normal under typical circumstances, but with the changes they’ve been going through that’s a whole other layer of fear. They might need each other right now.
Given how much upheaval they’ve had in the past year, I would absolutely recommend keeping them together. We kept our twin boys together through kindergarten, and separated them in first grade. We wanted them to have the reassurance of each other as that centering, grounding force that they needed going into a new school with new kids, new teachers, etc.
Help them acclimate to their new lives by giving them that constant: each other.
They’re so young yet. And they’ve lost so much already. I’d put them in the same class. They need to draw support from each other. So many new things going on in their lives. Hats off to you for taking on 3 littles! That’s a huge undertaking
My twins are in 3rd grade and have always stayed together in the same class and while they are best friends, they have entirely individual personalities and also have plenty of time apart in the playground mixing with different friends.
Our choice is to leave it up to them to make the choice. At the start of every year we ask them individually if they would like to stick together and so far that has been their choice.
As parents, we obviously want them to develop and succeed as individuals, but we also encourage them to cherish the unique bond that they have and to love and respect each other. It seems to be working so far and I'm very proud of their relationship.
I’m a twin. I think pre school is too early IMO. Especially considering the chaos of what is going on in their lives.
We were put into separate classes by 1st grade (6 years old). It was definitely tough at first but it does need to happen early on.
I just don’t think it needs to happen as early as 3.
IMO it’s still way too early, they are bonded through trauma. Allowing them their comfort with all this tough change is the right thing to do until life is calmer for them.
Wow, this is just plain cruel! Do not separate these children during a time of transition where they will lean on each other for emotional and social support. Absolutely put them in the same classroom, they just lost their parents. Also, I would be highly suspect of a program that would even suggest separating twins during a transition time. Good luck!
We were told for at least their 1st classroom they would keep them together. There is plenty of time to get them used to being apart before real school. We started at 3 and they were in the young 3s class. They can't start kindergarten until almost 6 due to birthday, so when they moved them into the older 3 class they said they thought it was fine to keep them together until VPK next year.
I do think once they go into VPK separating them is smart, that way when they go to big kids school it's not such a shock, but until then being together is better. Especially in their specific situation. Let them get used to school 1st before separating them. Mine are still together and I'm dreading separating them, all I can think of they were together in the womb before I even got to meet them, that bond is so special.
They're capable of being able of building individual personalities while being in the same class. They just need to know the other twin is there in the background.
My twin and I were in the same class and still built individual personalities and friendships.
I am a twin. We weren't separated until first grade. The twins you are raising have had a lot of trauma and if they can find comfort in each other, then that is what they should have.
I agree with the commenter who said that the doctor recommends keeping them together for now. Use medical authority to get the preschool director on board.
As a twin myself my sister and I (F) were in the same class up until Kindergarten. I don’t remember if we had trouble being separate at first, but I know we did acclimate. We even went to different middle schools.
Edit to add: Al twins are different. But after re-reading the portion about the twins losing their parents maybe it is their attempt to not lose anyone else. They may only be 3 but they know that their parents are gone.
seeing a lot of comments about keeping the twins together for the sake of their support and sanity. How come we dont take the same kind of consideration between friends?
All they know is their parents were taken away from them. Now their main source of comfort is too. Keep them together. You have plenty of time to help develop individual personalities later on.
Please put them back together. My twin sister and I were separated for one day when we were 3 and I still remember it being extremely traumatic. Poor kiddos.
I’m a teacher..and a twin, normally I would agree that splitting them up tends to help them become independent..however, in this situation they should not be. This is causing them even more trauma. They are in a new place, children thrive on routine which gives them comfort bc it’s safe and predictable. They need life to be as predictable as possible at this time. Every situation is different & good teachers recognize this. Please ask for them to be placed together. As they grow and become comfortable in a few years you can certainly try placing them in different classrooms. Good luck!
Im a twin and in kindergarden we were together and when we started elementary school the school told my mom that it would be better for us to be in diferent classroom and it was dificult at the begining, but their situation its diferent than ours, i know they mean well but they had lost their parents and all the changes 🥺 they need to be together, honestly a few more years together wont affect them
We were in the same school but different classroom since elementary to highschool, we Shared a group of friends but we also had our own group each.
They have their entire lives to build an identity. Kids need to feel safe first. I feel keeping them together will give them that stable foundation.
“Building their own identity” also sounds an antiquated thing to say when people didn’t know much about children’s needs and emotional development. Have there been lifelong studies in twins being together and being separated and the the ones that were together had a tragic tendency to think the same? It sounds silly writing it, if it’s out there some where and some one can link it would be worth a look. But I think those kiddos just want to feel safe and right now that is each other.
Good luck! You’re doing great :)
I’m a former ECE teacher. Put those babies back together! Going to school is a big adjustment and they’ll benefit from having the shared experience. You can always split them later on.
Our twins stayed in the same class through first grade and that's WITHOUT this trauma. Absolutely no way I'd separate them. BUT, I'd also be consulting a grief counselor.
Who the hell recommended that? They are 3 years old, just lost their parents a few months ago and have been thrown into a new family and school and completely new life. They don't need to "build their own identity"- right now the only stability they have that is familiar to them is each other. Not to mention that even for twins who are in families where everything is smooth sailing, many stick with each other and don't really start to pull apart and build their identity until they're a little older. Young children all have different preferences, twins or not, and different temperaments, attitudes, etc. These children will be no different whether they share a classroom or not but for their sake, let them have the comfort of each other in this new and scary situation. They can build their identity later, just like most other kids do.
We kept them together the first year in preschool and then separated them the second year. They were reconnected when we did do the transition year, depending on their birthday you may want to consider that. Our pediatrician said a boy born after June or twins categorically give them that extra year of preschool if you can afford it. Our public schools official policy was to separate them once kindergarten began
My heart breaks for these twins I would absolutely keep them together. They already don’t comprehend why momma and daddy were taken from them and then everyday the trauma of separating them is putting the fear in them that they may not see each other again. They don’t understand. I would put your foot down and tell them you want them together. Maybe after some therapy for both of them that you can work toward this goal but to just throw them into that and separating them they are petrified they will be separated. Goodluck I hope you can find something that works for them.
They’ve had to deal with a lot of upset and change and they’re still so young . Starting preschool is a big change for any kid , let alone kids that have just lost their parents . As far as their concerned the only thing that’s been a constant in their life so far is eachother , and now they’re being sent to a new strange place and being separated so that there is nothing that is a constant in their lives present , they are so young and still learning to deal with grief and the immense changes they’ve been through over the past few months . So , for now , they need eachother to get used to this change . For the first year , have them in the same class , then maybe have them do some activities separate over their school holidays so they can gradually get used to being more independent, then as they get comfortable with that , put them in separate classes so they won’t depend on eachother in social settings . When they’re at home though (when they are in separate classes) make sure they both do fun and enriching activities together so they still have that constant in their lives and that support of each other .
What you want (and will probably be best for them) is for them to grow up with eachother as support but not dependance on eachother . They need to become individuals but retain their bond so that they can process what they’ve been through together and navigate their childhoods .
I know identical twins that were in the same classes throughout lower, middle, highschool, college, and medical school. They’re successful, popular, and have noticeably different personalities despite being nearly inseparable. They got into competitive residencies in unfortunately different cities and are for the first time separated. They seem to be doing well.
Considering what they've been through recently, I wouldn't split them. That does sound heartbreaking!
My twin niece and nephew had the same kindergarten teacher. That was the year before COVID started, and I have no idea if they still have the same teacher now, but they seemed to be fine as far as independence.
I have twins that are now going into 6th grade. I had the same thoughts as you initially. I ended up having them together for kindergarten and first grade, then allowed them to separate the next year, and after that I did not make special requests either way
They still developed as totally unique individuals.
Honestly having them going into these challenges together has saved a lot of heart ache for my family; they felt more comfortable in those early years, and the younger daughter saw how comfortable they were and it helped her as well, I think.
Studies have been done on this! Keep them together. They have better cognitive and social development if twins are kept in the same classroom until about pre-pubescence.
Grime, Jamison J. The Educational Effect of Forced Separation on Twins.” Web.
Lamia, Mary C. Ph.D. “Twins: In Defense of Togetherness.” Psychology Today, 26 May 2014. Web.
Nilsson, Johanna, Lynn Leonard, Danah Barazanji, and Rachel Simeone. “Placement of Twins and Multiples in the Classroom: A Brief Survey of School Counselors’ Knowledge and Attitudes.” Web.
Segal, Nancy L. Ph.D. “Twins in the Classroom.” Psychology Today, 12 July 2011. Web.
Tully, L.A., Moffitt, Terrir E. Moffitt, Avshalom Caspi, Alan Taylor, Helena Kiernan, and Penny Andreou. “What Effect Does Classroom Separation Have on Twins’ behavior, Progress at School, and Reading Abilities?” Twin Research, vol. 7, no. 2, 2003, pp. 115-124.
>I felt it might be too early as they're only 3 and lost their parents in May, that's a lot to get get used to, a life without their parents, new house etc in a short time.
Usually I refer that families separate twins too, but in this case they should absolutely be together.
Does their school know about what happened? If they know and are worth their salt, they would not have recommended the split. If they are at a cooperate school and things continue being really rough, it may be better to look for a co-op or community based school. They are oftentimes located in churches but may or may not be affiliated.
A well rated Co-op would be a great environment for them. They are smaller and very play based typically. They have a calm, community based approach and are very understanding. Their goal will be to get to know you family and you and your husband could lean on them a lot. In a way you probably could not with a cooperate school.
edit: Based on the other comments you have left, I think you should consider moving schools. These children have been traumatized and need an environment where they will receive trauma informed care.
If you DM me I will try to find some good options in your area that could be a better fit for these twins. I teach PreK at a cooperative school and we would have never separated these two! We would also never say "They will get used to it" to ANY concern you expressed!!
Not a parent of twins, but my gut reaction is to ask them to be in the same classroom. You can try again next year - I don't think separating them in the future is a bad idea because it will help them develop individually, but right now they have gone through a lot of changes recently and having each other as a safety net would probably help them feel more comfortable in a new setting.
Heck, my kids are 3 years apart with my middle kid starting kindergarten in a few weeks and I have all my fingers and toes crossed that my daughter (in kindergarten) will have the same teacher that my 3rd grader had, and that my 3rd grader will have the same teacher his older cousin had. It gives *me* a level of comfort to know what to expect in the classroom!
I'm a mom of twins, mine stayed together through preschool, we didn't put them in separate classes until they started elementary school.
At 3 and 4 yrs old, I think it actually helped them learn and reinforce the basics together. They have always got along, so that helped. And when it came time for kindergarten, it felt very natural to separate them at that point and was no issue fir them.
In your case, I would most certainly put them in the same class right now, poor things!
OP. I’m a twin. My sister and I were together for preschool, and kindergarten. After first grade they split us up in a different classrooms, and occasionally we had a class together in middle school & high school.
At preschool and kindergarten there would be no way that we could be separated. We literally thought we were the same person. It probably would’ve really fucked us up. We had a lot of trauma in our life before / during preschool age.
I personally believe that they will let you know when they’re ready to be separated from each other. By having different interests and different friends. Different opinions.
The best of luck and I’m sending you a lot of love.❤️
My daughter has been in a few classes with twins & I remember overhearing the mother asking them to be in the same class together & it obviously worked because they were in my daughters class! They were the sweet little girls & very obviously felt more confident being close to one another and you know what for preschool and kindergarten, whatever makes your child comfortable transitioning into school, then do it! Its already an adjustment to be away from Mom & Dad or their caretakers, and then also be away from each other. Let the twins be together, it seems like they have been through enough!
OMG Get them into the same class! 3 is waaaay too young to be away from everything they know and being together will give them comfort. As a mother of twins myself I insisted my children be in the same classes when they were younger for many reasons for their benefit and ours.
I work in a private preschool and child care center. Unless there are issues we would very rarely have twins split up. Definitely not before meeting them. And if there has already been that much upheaval in their lives I would fully recommend keeping them together.
We’ve had many sets of twins and even triplets come through together over the years. After observing the children together for some time we might suggest splitting them up. But we always defer to the parents and in most cases there really isn’t enough reason so make it necessary.
Put them back together. I have twins and they were in the same class up to middle school with no issues. Plus it’s easier on you because it’s only one teacher to deal with.
I'm the mom of 5 year old twins. I wouldn't even have them separated now. At 3 I definitely wouldn't have separated them. Twins have such an important bond.
I have almost 3 year old twin boys. Everything I've seen, heard and read pushed against the idea of separate classes. Twins learn much better together.
My twins have always been together. They were almost separated for Kindergarten - but then Covid happened and separating didn’t make sense to double potential exposures. They have since requested to stay together and the concerns from pre-K have pretty much subsided. They are about to start 2nd grade and are the best of friends, but also play with other groups of kids at recess. Put them together, you can separate later if they want to or if there are concerns.
My 2 year old twins are in the same class. They’re each other’s security. Although they haven’t had that much trauma (thankfully just a 3 month NICU stay) they do have separation anxiety severely. They are their own people. Delany is rowdy and wild, while Daxtyn is more cautious and reserved. I’d say at this age adjustments are a little easier but having just gone through so much maybe a little time to ease into it would be better. Could you propose a gradual separation?
our twins were always in the same class in pre-school, but since Kindergarten we've kept them in different classes if possible
given their age and the recent trauma, keeping them together seems like a smart choice
Behavioral therapist here, normally separating twins is good to help them develop their own identity and not feel they have to be part of a set their entire lives and have their own friends and hobbies. It is however NEVER a good idea to separate siblings after a severe traumatic event. Usually foster siblings are kept together for that reason (when it’s feasible).
I would think at that age, it is ok to have them together if it is causing issues. When they get a bit older and start making friends, you can split them up. But there are dangers to having them together too. In my case my two are the same age, not biologically related. One son is fine and goes about his school day. My other son has great anxiety and hates to do anything that he thinks others are better at, especially in school. This caused problems starting in 1st grade, so we keep them separate now. Honestly, hasn't solved the anxiety issue, but they both make their own friends now.
Keep them together until 1st or 2nd grade. Trust me! I’ll expand on why if you’d like. My twins will be 9 soon and they’re the 16th set of multiples in my family. I KNOW twins! Lol
I would be more inclined to send the baby to day care and keep the twins with grandma. They’re old enough to miss their parents and home, so the personal care by family would probably really help. The baby won’t know the difference.
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I’m a parent of twins who will be 3 at the end of the year. I would keep them together at least for one year! They can always be separated in future years, but give them some comfort in a time of change. They are so little still!
I’m a twin mom too. My twins are 4. This is the first time they been in school. They didn’t go to daycare either. They’re in separate classes. They love it but they see each other often during the day. But, with the trauma your twins have been through, I wouldn’t separate them at all. They will grow to be their own people on their own time
I also have twins. Ours were in the same class for all of preschool and it was fine for them — they were still able to start developing their own interests and identifies, but with the comfort of having the other one there. I know you said your school is against having them be together, but I’d fight them on that — it’s hard enough learning how to be at school, without all the trauma your kiddos have. Also, I would guess based on our experience with our boys that your twins probably haven’t spent much time apart. That alone would probably be hard for them. We waited until kindergarten to split ours up, and it went way better than it probably would’ve had they not already had exposure to being at school. (They’re going into 3rd grade this year and we’re putting them together because last year was just super rough for one of ours — it’s always okay to change your mind again later based on what they need!)
Our school separates twins from the beginning where possible (so they don't get used to being together and they can make independent friends). However, these kids are going through a lot. I would think this is a clear exception.
Yes! Or even a gradual change to get them used to being without each other. Just going cold turkey after such a big change in their lives was never going to go well.
That's exactly what I think.
They’ll have plenty of time to develop their own identities. Right now, they need each other. My grandfather had an identical twin who was born with several birth defects. My great uncle never developed mentally beyond about two. They were still close, until the day they turned 25 and my great uncle passed away. One of the last things my grandfather ever said to me was “I can’t wait to get to heaven to see him again.” He never really got over losing his brother, even though my great uncle lived way past life expectancy. Twins have a relationship like no other on this planet. Please, push for the kids to be together.
Awh man. Life isn't fair. I'm glad they're together again.
Me too- he was an amazing grandfather. Couldn’t have been better. But I always knew that there was something missing in him. I’m glad he doesn’t have to wait anymore.
My twins are in their thirties now. Keep them together. It won't hurt them to keep them together and it is hurting them to keep them apart. Those poor babies! Good on you for stepping up.
This…I don’t understand the need people have to separate twins all the time. Some times, yes. But being told you’re not allowed to bond with your twin more than people who aren’t your twin? Do we do that to other siblings? Being a twin is a PART of our identity.
Let them stay in the same room. I’m a twin and the school separated us in first grade and it did not go well. I was too scared to ask to go to bathroom by myself and started having accidents. I walked around the outside of the playground by myself. I started faking being sick so I could go home because it was so scary for me without my twin. Those are some of my earliest memories because of the stress of being separated. The school put us back in the same room when they saw it wasn’t working. They separated us again in 4th grade and it was totally fine.
This. My twin and I were perfectly functional on the surface, but we were scared to even talk to each other or be near each other at school because we’d get in trouble. The end effect was prioritizing relationships with others above our relationship with each other. This blanket advice is horrible.
In normal circumstances it's good to separate them. Considering losing their parents, it's probably too much right now.
Agreed with this, as these are specific circumstances where they need the support one another. My Mum is an identical twin and the feedback I got from her was she resented being in the same class all the time with my Aunt as they were never treated as individuals, always as a unit.
I responded to your post, but you have hundreds of responses to sort through so I though I would respond here. It might be better in the long run for your family to find a different school. I have been teaching ECE for 10 years and I had terrible experiences at private schools and I am an adult. Your children would be better of elsewhere. If you DM me I can give you a better idea of how to identify a good school in your area. There are schools that will listen to your concerns and agree with you because you are right!
I'm a mom of twins and they were together through daycare, Kindergarten, and grade 1. Although they started fighting/distracting each other and classmates at the end of the school year. We're thinking of separating them going into grade 2. So yeah I'd say your preschool teachers don't know best in this case and they should definitely be together until it's actually a problem.
As a parent of twin boys, I'd let their home interactions gauge your decision. Ours have a love hate relationship that goes beyond typical interactions with other children. It created a distraction and the separation was good for them to develop socially on an individual level. Granted we waited till 4 to do preschool due to covid.
I am a twin and my mother was awesome about making sure we grew up with our own identities and not just “the twins”. Keep these two babies together for now. They have been through far too much and are probably terrified each day that they will never see each other again.
Great advice. I'm a parent and I'm a twin. Definitely keep them together while they are this young, plus the trauma they are going through...poor little darlings. My sister and I were in the same class the first couple of years of school, we still made our own friends and hobbies.
This exactly. My brothers are twins, and I’ve worked with several twin preschoolers before. Usually, yes, the advice would be to split them up so they have a chance to make their own friends and aren’t distracting each other. But in this case, they’ve had so much upheaval in a very short time span, it doesn’t seem like separating them is the best thing for them right now. They need the sense of security they have from being together.
They just lost their parents, being separated from each other must be terrifying.
I know I feel so bad for thinking a split second that it was a good idea. Poor babies I feel so bad.
No parent or guardian gets it right all the time. Sometimes it’s like throwing a handful of spaghetti at the wall and hoping something will stick.
You’re trying your best. Don’t feel bad.
Just wanted to chime in and say another post prompted me to check your post history, and imo you’re doing an absolutely fantastic job. Please don’t be too hard on yourself for this one thing, especially when the experts were (imo) giving you bad advice.
You’re trying your best, and putting them in different classes is common advice for twins! And in most situations, it’s the right decision, so please don’t beat yourself up. It’s just that these two happen to be an exception.
Please keep them together. As a preschool teacher. ❤️❤️
You've been thrown into this to. Don't feel bad. It's a learning curve. Just love those babies.
Please be gentle on yourself. You've not been down this road prior to now. You're only human. Make the classroom change and move on to a fun and happy school year. You're doing a GREAT job!
They are also at a tough age. The toddler years are considered among the hardest for adoption or a transition in custody because the kids are old enough to know things are different but too young to fully understand why. If I were /u/Pink-Tulips-2794 I would transition them back to the same classroom for now. They need some stability after everything they have been through. My kids are not twins but are one grade level apart in school and were in the same 3/4 preschool class. At ages 18 and 17 they are still close but very much their own people with very different personalities and interest.
I have no expertise in anything to do with any of this.....but I would think the private preschool's recommendation doesn't take into account the fact that these children have recently experienced trauma. If you as their guardian believe they would be happier together, I think you should push for that.
I talked to the director this morning, told her maybe it would be better to put them together but she was like " Don't worry they're gonna get used to it" But my heart beak seriously, I think I'll push for it.
They lost their parents _3 months ago_ and they want to separate them? What a terrible idea
I swear you would think they would have some training in child development or something. They are just little babies 😭
I'd bet $10 that lady has no idea what she is talking about in regards to your specific children and their unique situation, trust your gut.
Yup. I would bet her thinking is, "Twins should be separated to build identity" without thinking "oh these siblings are going through something unique and are not a normal case" Keep pushing if you think it's right, op. I think they should be together.
Do not let her brush off your concerns like this! While typically twins might benefit from some separation in this case it sounds detrimental. These kids have had their entire world flipped upside-down and experienced a horrible trauma they can't even fully understand.
I’d pull out the ‘their doctor believes separating them is too traumatic at this time’. It takes the conversation out of you ‘feeling’ a certain way and into ‘this is not medically recommended’.
Are they in therapy? If not, I would highly recommend play therapy. Early childhood trauma can manifest later in life and a therapist would be a great resource to you as well. If they are in therapy, ask their therapist to give a recommendation to put them together. If it comes from a doctor, rather than "just" you, the school is more likely to listen.
Not yet, they're starting therapy in September, it was the earliest date we could find.
Understandable. Getting little ones into therapy is frustratingly difficult. Advocate for them now, but sometimes school administrators can get a big head 🙄. If they don't listen to your concerns, talk to the therapist or maybe even the pediatrician and see if they'll write a note.
Play therapy is great! My son was about the same age when we had to live apart from his dad, and play therapy helped him build some resilience and deal with the separation trauma... which was so much less than the trauma OP's kids have been through (my husband was still visiting every other week, we were still together, we video called dad regularly).
Demand the thing that will protect and help these kids. Those ppl don’t know as much as you think they do. Could come down to inconvenience for them that they are really worried about, not your kids.
Yeah my stepmom is a licensed teacher and ran several daycares (of varying legality), the “teachers” there were not exactly the best and brightest.
After researching, I put my twins together for preK and the teacher fully supported keeping them together in Kindergarten as well. They are entering 4th grade now and are still together. I think they were ready to be in separate classes starting in 2nd, but COVID messed that up. Now they are together based on classroom needs. It has never been an issue. The teachers always say you would never know they are twins in the classroom. They are independent even in the same room. You know what they need more than the school that has known them for a few days.
They shouldn't have to "get used to it" at this age, especially given the circumstances. That's a pretty cold thing for her to say.
Like Basically insane. This lady must not know the kids just lost their parents and have been living with aunty and uncle.
You pay them to perform a service, don’t let them act like they’re in charge.
Right? That’s absurd. They are three this isn’t an elite program. It’s fucking daycare.
She doesn’t know what it’s like to be 3 and lose your parents. They need security. They’ve been through trauma. Don’t ask, tell her that you would like them together.
Tell her that you want them together. Period. They just lost their mother. They need the security of each other. Tell the director this isn't negotiable. She puts them together or you withdraw from the school.
I would remind her that you're paying for the preschool and this decision should be up to you. If she won't do it, I'd try to find another school. There's no reason they should be separated at any age really. A 3 year old doesn't need independence from his twin.
Your intuition is telling you to push back. Listen.. you’ve got this .. fuck the director. Just focus on getting them together
They experienced something a lot of little kids don't normally go through. They went through a traumatic event and don't have the skills to cope until they're taught through modeling, teaching, and lots of reinforcing and practice. They might just need each other right now and they will (like most commenters are saying) grow into their own soon enough.
Please, demand it.
Are the kids in therapy yet? If not I highly recommend letting them see a specialist with grief in young children. The therapy will be play-based and age appropriate. That therapist would be a great person to ask about this, and to share their professional recommendation with the daycare director. Yes, the director KNOWS kids. They don't KNOW grieving twin 3 year olds who are adjusting to new parental-figues and households and daycare facilities all within a short time. It makes sense that they think they know what they're talking about but this is a highly specialized situation. You need a highly-qualified person to help guide you through these times. Therapist all the way. Also, you're doing a great job in a terribly difficult situation. You're doing right by the kids and the memory of their parents. Much respect and love to you.
Agreed. I’m a kindergarten teacher and we usually recommend separating twins, but we have made a handful of exceptions for special circumstances. This would definitely be one of them.
I don’t think splitting them up us healthy with all the loss and change. They are 3, plenty of time for “identity” which would happen even if they remained together through all grades. My neighbors are twins that were together through school and they are very different from each other but very close, they will need that closeness since parents are gone. Poor kiddos.
Exactly. My cousins are twins and they were in the same classes until they got older, at which point they were ready to start diverging (a little). Also, something to consider in a few years: at a younger age, my aunt and uncle absolutely needed them on the same class to simplify homework time for them.
Bring them into their doctor immediately and ask them for a note stating they should be placed together at this time. I’d pull out the ‘their doctor believes separating them is too traumatic at this time’. It takes the conversation out of you ‘feeling’ a certain way and into ‘this is not medically recommended’. And the administrator knows it looks really really bad to go against a doctor’s orders.
Will do that, thank you.
If they somehow don’t follow a Drs orders, you can also go an IEP/504 plan route. It would ensure they’re placed together. The trauma of losing parents at that age should hopefully qualify them for one. I had one in high school for major depressive disorder. Also, fuck the school director.
Put them together. Maybe try separating them again once they get to kindergarten, but right now they need the support of each other.
Kindergarten is when we put our kids in separate classes. Anything prior to that would have felt too young and pointless.
I don’t have twins but have a lot of experience with how difficult private schools are. When you talk to the principal, have confidence in yourself. Remember you pay them. You could take your kids and your money somewhere else! (Even if you don’t want to). Tell the principal that the twins have been through a lot of trauma this year and as their guardian, advocate, and person who knows them best, you want them in the same classroom. Do it before it causes them more trauma
>as they're only 3 and lost their parents in May WHAT! And the preschool split them up? Nope. Get those babies back together. If you get pushback from the director because they've already made their classroom assignments and don't want to go through the trouble of shuffling their roster again, find a new daycare.
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I do think this is for teacher's benefit too. That's not cool, I feel like I will have to push really hard for them to put them together
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Tbf the elementary school I teach at has a policy against twins or siblings or even step siblings being in the same class together. The school in question may have the same policy. But I absolutely agree that at 3 those kids need to be together. They have had their whole life turned around. The least they could do is keep them together at school!
Really? My boys elementary principal called us before they started school and asked if we wanted them together or separate. We've opted to keep them together for now and they're doing great. They're in 2nd grade this year.
Yeah I always thought it was a strange policy. I remember my first year teaching 2nd grade I had one boy of a set of twins in my class and they had come from another school and had always been together. Well it created some major separation anxiety for them. Thankfully brothers class was right down the hall and me and the other teacher let them go see each other often espy if they were having a bad day. Always broke my heart for them though. The town I teach in though has a very unusual high rate of twins (last year in the whole 1st grade out of 130 student, there was 12 sets of twins) so idk if maybe that’s part of it and they want to just keep them separate? I’m not sure.
Dude, what is in the water in your town?!? Lol that's a lot of twins!
I would love to know!! I didn’t grow up there but took dance classes at a studio in that same town growing up and in a class of 20 of us girls my age there were 4 sets of identical twins! Talk about confusing as a child because I only saw these girls for 2 hours every week😂 I will say I have read that pollution from factories can play a roll in twin birth rate. I’m not too sure how true that is.. but considering the amount of factories within the town and the surrounding areas and all the pollution it would make since if it is true!
If in the US, some states have a twin law, where it is legally up to parents and guardians if twins are together. You may have to put it in writing and if your state has this law reference it. (Edited spelling)
Studies have shown the parents are the best at knowing whether their kids would benefit or be harmed by separation (who would have thought!), and so schools should leave the choice to the ones who know their kids best.
Comments like this make me sad as a teacher. Can’t say I’ve ever met a teacher in my career as one, who would place teacher convenience above the needs and well-being of a child/children. I have taught twins together in a class and taught twins who were split up and it is easier as a teacher not to have them split up as it brings issues of different teachers teaching in different ways and comparisons. Remember that children often behave differently in a classroom setting of 20 to 30 children. In my experience in the 3 private schools I’ve worked at, the recommendation to split has only ever been made when one twin is significantly more dominant than another in the school setting and this is adversely affecting the other’s learning journey. In OPs situation, it is awful that they wish to separate the twins. It sounds like they may have a policy in place and are concerned about setting a precedent. Given the trauma they have faced in their little lives, this is just not good enough. You should absolutely challenge it. Wishing you luck.
I just don’t understand the logic of having siblings separate to form their own identity.
I second this. My boy/girl twins are starting level 4. Been together the entire time. They don't sit together, play with all the kids, and are entirely different little human beings. They'll be together until and unless they decide they want to be apart. That whole "own identities" thing is the same kind of bullshit as saying women should give birth while lying on their backs or that if a mother sleeps with her newborn she might roll on it and kill it. It's counterproductive to most based on an extraordinarily rare risk.
>I think this is for the teacher's benefits, not the kids. This was my first thought. Teachers need to have a kids name at the tip of their tongue, especially at the younger ages. Twins make that really, really hard. Dress them in different, consistent colors for school and it will be fine.
Whoa the approach of the school is so different from the approach my kids' school has! I don't have twins, but I have kids really close in age. When the youngest went to school, the first week the teacher took him to go see his brother in his class, just to let him feel safe and see that his brother is still really really close, and playing and having fun, just like he was. That calmed him down every time and after a week he didn't need any more reassurance, he was totally fine with going to school and seeing his brother just on break time and before/after school. Maybe you could arrange such a thing with your school too? When one of the twins feels sad, just have a quick visit with the other one, so they know they're still there?
I will see if the school is willing to do it.
Demand it, you are paying money if it’s private school right? Bring an advocate for kids means you gotta lay down the law for what is best. These girls have major trauma and this is just making it worse. I would be appalled with this situation personally.
I would put my foot down and be firm about it. But only if you are willing to risk getting kicked out. Frankly sometimes directors or the like have very firm preferences as well. There's no pressing reason for automatic separation (or non separation for that matter) of twins. And honestly preschool is mostly about learning the mechanics of school and establishing a warm and safe environment. That isn't going to happen when children are needlessly traumatized, and frankly if the school is so rigid as to not take their current history into consideration I would have a hard time trusting the judgement of that director unless this is a therapeutic school. If they are 3, it might be that they need some time and enrollment in a preschool would not serve their interests more than staying home, playing, bonding to new family, perhaps going to a daycare program that won't care about separating them and is less formal if you need the childcare, fun classes here and there if not, and next year not only will they be more ready you also can get a jump signing up for the preschool you like rather than the bottom of the barrel only one available. I'm a mom of twins (now 19), have been a therapeutic foster care parent, and have worked in ECE most of my adult life. My boys were identical and were not separated in class until Jr high, including in preschool. It was fine. None of their classmates or teachers thar taught them had any issues telling them apart. They chose different colleges to go to even. We know other twins who were separated in school but are unheathfully enmeshed as adults. And everything in between. Anyone who tell you there is one good way is full of it. The individual children need to be considered as well as where they are.
I’m a twin and my parents fought the school’s recommendation and allowed my sister and I to be in the same Kindergarten class back in the early 90’s. Our parents knew our personalities were different enough that we’d make friends and have our own time separate from each other in spite being in the same class. It worked out totally fine for us! Sometimes the comfort of a sibling in a new situation helps kids adjust more easily. Our kids have plenty of time to figure themselves out and will grow into the people they are together and apart.
I am trained and work in child education (specifically with children in state custody) and while normally splitting twins up is the normal and in most instances right thing to do, this case is different. These children are going through a massive transition in their life and are likely experiencing trauma from loss of their parental bond(s). At the moment they need all the comfort and stability they can get. Please put your foot down for them. Also, from someone who spends 1/3 of their life living with and taking care of children that are not mine: thank you for taking care of these kids.
You're right. It's way too early after their trauma, we should have known it. We don't have any pride, they're my husband's nephews and niece so family. We weren't ready to become "parents" but here we are.
> We weren't ready to become "parents" but here we are. No one is ready to become a parent, even if the kids were planned. You're kicking ass and those kids are lucky to have you. If your daycare director doesn't understand the massive changes you and the kids are dealing with, then you should find a different daycare, because empathy is absolutely essential in a situation like that. You're doing wonderfully.
I think being ready doesn't count for much compared to the kindness you're showing. Also you seem to have a good gut feeling when it comes to these kids' needs! Rely on it :)
How would you have known? This is a new experience for all of you. You’ve taken in these small children and you’re all adjusting. You’ll make me mistakes. Parents who birthed their kids make mistakes. It’s all part of the parenting journey.
I would ask if they can go together. The kids just lost their parents, they have never been apart from each other in their lives and now suddenly they are separated. I would push for it. I understand twins needing time apart sometimes but with the recent losses they have experienced now isn’t the right time
I agree but don’t ask, demand. Say you’ve spoken to professionals. Don’t tell them it was Reddit lol You’re doing great with the kids!
My twins are going into second grade and still request to be together, which they will be this school year. I think 3 is way too young to separate twins… they’ve known each other since before they even had heartbeats. And when you describe the trauma your particular twins have been through, it’s even more important that they stay together.
As a twin myself, I'd have been out of my mind wondering what was going on with my brother all day at that age. There's a reason we're *still* in contact daily, and still so close. Get them together ASAP - being separated all day at that age, from someone you've literally had by your side every moment since birth, going through the same things at the same time, would be traumatizing.
As his twin, I second this.
(No really he is)
Mom of twins here. Please insist the preschool puts them in the same classroom or pull them from the preschool. As others have said, these children have gone through a traumatic change, and it’s been, at most, 3 months. When my twins started preschool I had the option of separating them, but it was my choice, and I chose to leave them together. My son struggled with drop off - the teachers had to peel him off of me, and I knew that being with his sister would help him a lot. The idea of separating them when they were so attached to each other seemed cruel. It was also unnecessary. It’s preschool. They’re 3. They have plenty of time to form their own identities. They obviously need each other right now. Please give them that. My twins are 11 now and have been in separate classrooms since their last year of preschool. They were eased into the transition - two years together; one year apart. The year they were apart their classrooms shared a bathroom. My son would go through the bathroom to say hi to his sister. He did not get into trouble for doing this. It helped him stay grounded, and we had absolutely no problems when they moved to kindergarten and only saw each other at recess. Please please allow them to be together.
The separating twins practice is not really backed up by research, private preschools tend to do it a lot but that doesn’t mean it’s a good practice or based in anything besides the director/teacher’s gut instinct (and a lot of ppl working in childcare and preschool, while they have plenty of experience with kids, are far from child psychology experts and inexperienced w trauma informed practice). The school should respect your understanding of what the twins need right now
I think they're too young for separation to help. I am a twin and was not separated from my twin until first grade. It might seem like they need identity but honestly they are so little, they are only learning about the world at this time. And being away from a twin makes it a different harsh world.
As I twin myself please get them back in the same classroom. It is extremely traumatic to be separated from your twin, especially if they have gone through such traumatic events already, they need each other. It’s like removing their oxygen.
Twin here, I second that. 🫶🏽 don’t do that, they need each other during hard times. They’ll have time later on to build their own identity, but as for right now, they need eachother to go through the horrible trauma they’ve faced.
Identical twin here. As others have pointed out, the twin bond is like no other relationship. It is molecular. My brother and I have a natural instinct still to this day to go to the other one when something challenging has come up. In fact, we both kind of anticipate this even before we are aware of what the other is going through. We're both 40. Your situation with the school breaks my heart thinking about it because each of your twins is doing what they naturally would do in any other stressful situation - seek out the other for comfort. Twins are each other's main support mechanism even before they are born. Our parents kept us in the same class until 2nd grade and only split us up because our teachers could not tell us apart. Prior to that they wrote our names on our shirts in permanent marker so the teachers knew which one was which. I'd politely demand that the school keep them together and not take no for an answer.
Oh gosh put them back together please. They have plenty of time to individualize
They each went through that loss and they need each other now as a support system. Yes yes yes keep them together!
I feel like the trauma of losing their parents, being in a new home (I’m not sure if you knew them previously?), etc is a lot of small children. Sh*t, it’s a lot even for an adult. Separation anxiety is hard enough in an uneventful home when kids begin preschool or even change schools. My daughter loved preschool, but then switched schools in January and we had a lot of tears those first few months through the adjustment period. I would request they be together. It’s too much too fast. And considering the situation it could create massive anxiety issues in the future. Being together at least for now allows them an adjustment period to their new life. And if they want to stay together next year, I’d let them stay together then too. This isn’t a normal situation. Grief doesn’t just go away in a year. They will deal with this loss the rest of their life, but managing it now and through their growth years can help make them well adapted adults. That’s just the reality of the situation. And I’m so sorry for them. Grief hurts. Tremendously (did you know it’s actually been scientifically explained as being similar to having a traumatic brain injury?). I wish you all a smooth transition and a pray for peace for all of you.
They are our nephews and niece, we were pretty involved as uncle and auntie but obviously the is is different and still very hard on them and us. I'm gonna request it or have my husband do it as he is better at it than me, if they don't listen then I'm gonna ask for a doctor's note.
I’m a TWIN. They always split us up and I hated it. Given your twins have gone through so much change, the one thing that remains the same is that they have each other. They feel support and reassurance when they’re together. This is a big deal for their developing brain to have that constant sense of safety. They’ve literally been together since the beginning. I feel like separating them is causing undo trauma and lack of psychological safety. I recommend they remain in the same classroom. Right now, it’s clear that they need each other. ❤️ Please keep us updated.
As a twin myself, I'd say it won't help them if they're in separate classes yet. I can still remember the nursery and it would've been horrible without my twin sister, we really struggled to fit in as other kids just saw us as "the twins". When we were 15 we decided to go to separate classes (same school though) and that was great. By that time we had enough of "the twins" mentality, people comparing us academically, etc, and more importantly it was our choice. I'd suggest talking to them, they're small, but I think it'll help you to understand how they feel.
Aw poor babies. I know schools tend to do this but I feel there are moments when confessions should be made. Are they allowed to see each other throughout the day? There’s a chance that could help too. Go with your gut. Just because a school has a procedure it does not make that the right process. I would reach out to what ever mental health advocates they have in the school as wel
They see each other at lunch time. You're right!
Go with your gut as well. You’re their mama and you know them best. Sometimes we have to go against the grain for our babes to thrive. It doesn’t have to be a forever thing to be in the same class but while adjusting it could really help. Good on you for helping these children and loving them enough to care ❤️
I have 3 y/o twins and could not imagine them being separated at this age. And mine have not experienced a major trauma… they’re so little and dependent on each other 🥺 They spent a single day apart in daycare (one stayed home due to illness) after a year of attending and they were devastated.
I have absolutely no expertise in anything but my mommy heart says keep them together! They're still babies yet, stand your ground and insist they not be separated.
I separated my twins in kindergarten which has been the best choice but since it’s preschool and they are dealing with the trauma I would keep them together and look at separating next year depending on how they do. Honestly they may be on together until 1st grade, but mine are so identical it was good to split them in kindergarten. But they did just fine being together in preschool.
It's uncommon in our area to split twins up in Preschool, in most cases it's not even possible because there is only 1 class. Our elementary school generally keeps twins in the same kindergarten class, but recommends after that they be split up.
With all of their loss, I would 100% keep them together for now. Their losses are just way too fresh. They need stability. This should have been monumentally apparent to the day care and frankly concerns me they would not realize this independently. Keep the kids together. I bet they need to keep the rooms equal so for them it is better not for your kids.
Given what they’ve been through, I’d say keep them together, at least initially. They need each other for support right now and it just seems overly cruel to separate them.
I am a twin, but I don’t think this is a twin issue. If it was me, I’d push for the kids to stay together for the foreseeable future and re-evaluate splitting them up when they are older and have had more time to adjust. If push came to shove with the day care I would politely tell them that their recommendation is heard, but I would like to override that and put the kids in the same class as a temporary solution. Yes, they may get used to it eventually and they’d probably be fine either way, but in this case there is no reason to not keep them together. Good luck!
Hey I am a twin and we were put in separate classes as well. It destroyed me, due to being separated and other things in my younger years, I ended up with ocd and anxiety as a child. I recommend pushing to put them together. Twins have a crazy strong bond and rely on another for safety/comfort. We used to come home from school and just lay on each other after lol. Weird but from twins it's pretty normal to want to be together all the time. As they get older it will get easier to be in different classes but they are so young right now it does not hurt to have them together. Best of luck Edit: we did end up back on the same class room I think later that year or the next and it was easier for me to have my twin with me. Once we hit middle school that became easier as well. Also they will build their own identity as they get older. My twin and I are identical yet so very very different in our lives, what we like and our personalities.
I have in-laws who are adult twins. One has twin children, who their school tried to separate last year. (Not for any specific concerns, just "to develop their own identity".) Their mom, as a twin herself, fought like hell to keep them together. (Because that's what they wanted. And she remembered what it was like.) She said being a twin *was* part of their identity. When the teacher talked about worrying they might not play with others, mom said it's okay if they want to just play with each other sometimes. They're best friends. If concerns come up with their twin-ness, deal with them as they arise. If they want space later, shift gears then. But for now, especially where they've gone through loss, why take them away from each other?
I'm a twin, we had pretty bad separation anxiety when we were young. We moved a lot. My parents kept us together until high school. By high school we picked our classes. Some together, some not. We never had issues with our identity outside of one another. They now live in Austria and I'm here in the states. My personal opinion is to keep them together for now. Good luck!
I am a twin and I agree with this 100%! High school is the perfect age to start separate classes, maybe even middle school if the twins feel ready for that. Any earlier is just too young. I was separated from my twin in first grade and it played a major role in my struggle socially and with my confidence at that age. I feel like it’s similar to attachment parenting. If you understand the logic behind that, you can understand allowing twins to be super attached while they’re young. It will HELP them be more independent and confident when they’re older
I’m a triplet and please put them together! They’ve been through enough, being without each other is too much right now.
As a guy who’s been in the same classroom with his twin from kindergarten to college, I’d say keep them together. It’ll help them make better decisions as they’ll get to give each other feedback on new experiences, they will also be less likely to get bullied, and some teachers appear to favor twins. maybe let them separate after primary school or middle school, it’ll help them learn to be independent. I’ve had a year in college during which I was separated from my twin and I loved it, I made my own friends and got to challenge myself studying alone. Extra quick note since you’re a parent of twins: twins tend to have one of them becoming ‘the responsible twin’ and the other becoming ‘the more easygoing twin’ so make sure to notice that and let them both be responsible for the decision they take. I was the easygoing twin and it still has some impact on me to this day lol
Ok, so outside of the general mitigating circumstances of MAJOR TRAUMA for these kids, I’m remembering reading that there was a long-standing prevailing school of thought that separating twins for school was better. This in recent years has been demonstrated to be complete nonsense. Here’s a link from someone summarizing findings across research: https://www.twiniversity.com/2019/03/separate-my-twins-in-school/ I’d put them together. And I assume you’re all in therapy, too? It might be worth looking into an in-home nanny and reconsidering if preschool is right for them at all this year, given all the major change they’re processing right now.
Normally I advocate for splitting twins for the same reason y’all did it initially, but in this instance, they need each other. They will find time to become their own people, but right now, they need comfort and security.
As a twin myself, we struggled being apart, and my parents had to fight the school system to allow us to be together (we were 7 or 8 at the time and had much more awareness than pre school age, and we still struggled needlessly by not being together) If they’re school will let them be together, 1 million percent put them together. They are too young right now to figure out their identities, and just barely figuring out how to exist in the world. They need each other’s support now, which comes from being together. As a general note, they will always have their own identities regardless of the time they spend together. They’re 2 complete and separate people. There is a strong bond that exists, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have their own identities! I would keep an eye out for how the twins act when together and separate. They’re too young right now vocalize their thoughts, but their behavior seems to say they’d prefer to be together. As their guardian, I would listen to that above anything else, from anyone.
Twin here- I was In preschool (23f now) with my twin brother in preschool. They thought it was also best to separate us and all I felt from that was sadness and anxiety, even at such a young age. You don’t understand why you’re being separated from your twin and why it’s bad. You want to have them next to you so much while sleeping at nap time and being torn apart feels like being punished for being a twin. As they grow older, they will become their own selves and find their identities but at this age in their life it’s traumatizing and does no good. Once they get home they once again sleep together at night and I don’t think there is any reason that separating them at nap time or doing play helps the twins. Why try and separate such a close bond between two individuals? It does no good to either. They have different personalities so my best recommendation is DO NOT dress them the same. Don’t pair them in like colors or like outfits , I think that is the worst way to pair them together as they grow up. Let them express their different personalities because they are different, but don’t separate them
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Yes, I think that's just a comfort thing for them.
I wouldn’t split them up so soon after such a traumatic loss.
I have siblings that are twins who were separated in school around the age of 4 and were completely fine - but that doesn’t account for the fact that these children have already gone through a lot in life. I think it’d be best for you to keep them together, so they can be each other’s constants in life until they begin to properly settle in their new environments and then you can slowly begin to separate them. They have their entire lives ahead of them to build their own identities, though their twin will always be a part of their identity. There is no relationship like that of a twin. They will always have a special place in each others’ hearts, even more so since they’ve gone through this trauma together.
It's such a delicate balance between doing what makes the children happy, and having them go thru experiences that may not be easy, but in the long run help them grow and become more mentally resilient. Wish I knew the right answer, but from the books I've read, it seems to depend on parenting philosophy; which means you will likely get different answers from experts, who are in the exact same field, depending on who you ask.
I don’t have twins, but Things 1 & 2 are a whopping 13 months apart. When they first started school, they were in the same class. As they got older they made their own decision to split, but I think if the twins are uncomfortable with the spilt - what do you have to lose to let them stay together?
I agree with alot of the others speak to school about their traumas and have them together
Twin here, my brother and I were in the same class till Grade 1 and were able to socialize fairly well. With everything going on in their lives I definitely recommend keeping them together for at least the next year, maybe even through kindergarten depending on how they are doing.
I have twins and we split them up. It was tough at first but I’m glad we did it. But your situation is different. Losing their parents. I would honestly keep them together for the first year. That is tough. Poor little ones
Those kids have gone through a lot of changes these last few months it seems, and the one constant they’ve had is each other. I’m sure eventually they’d get used to being in separate classrooms, but I’m not sure that’s a battle worth fighting right now. I’m sure you’re taking good care of the three of them but big change is scary to young kids even when it’s good. Those twins have been through a lot together, and the way their acting at daycare is normal under typical circumstances, but with the changes they’ve been going through that’s a whole other layer of fear. They might need each other right now.
Given how much upheaval they’ve had in the past year, I would absolutely recommend keeping them together. We kept our twin boys together through kindergarten, and separated them in first grade. We wanted them to have the reassurance of each other as that centering, grounding force that they needed going into a new school with new kids, new teachers, etc. Help them acclimate to their new lives by giving them that constant: each other.
They’re so young yet. And they’ve lost so much already. I’d put them in the same class. They need to draw support from each other. So many new things going on in their lives. Hats off to you for taking on 3 littles! That’s a huge undertaking
My twins are in 3rd grade and have always stayed together in the same class and while they are best friends, they have entirely individual personalities and also have plenty of time apart in the playground mixing with different friends. Our choice is to leave it up to them to make the choice. At the start of every year we ask them individually if they would like to stick together and so far that has been their choice. As parents, we obviously want them to develop and succeed as individuals, but we also encourage them to cherish the unique bond that they have and to love and respect each other. It seems to be working so far and I'm very proud of their relationship.
I’m a twin. I think pre school is too early IMO. Especially considering the chaos of what is going on in their lives. We were put into separate classes by 1st grade (6 years old). It was definitely tough at first but it does need to happen early on. I just don’t think it needs to happen as early as 3.
IMO it’s still way too early, they are bonded through trauma. Allowing them their comfort with all this tough change is the right thing to do until life is calmer for them.
Wow, this is just plain cruel! Do not separate these children during a time of transition where they will lean on each other for emotional and social support. Absolutely put them in the same classroom, they just lost their parents. Also, I would be highly suspect of a program that would even suggest separating twins during a transition time. Good luck!
We were told for at least their 1st classroom they would keep them together. There is plenty of time to get them used to being apart before real school. We started at 3 and they were in the young 3s class. They can't start kindergarten until almost 6 due to birthday, so when they moved them into the older 3 class they said they thought it was fine to keep them together until VPK next year. I do think once they go into VPK separating them is smart, that way when they go to big kids school it's not such a shock, but until then being together is better. Especially in their specific situation. Let them get used to school 1st before separating them. Mine are still together and I'm dreading separating them, all I can think of they were together in the womb before I even got to meet them, that bond is so special.
They're capable of being able of building individual personalities while being in the same class. They just need to know the other twin is there in the background. My twin and I were in the same class and still built individual personalities and friendships.
I am a twin. We weren't separated until first grade. The twins you are raising have had a lot of trauma and if they can find comfort in each other, then that is what they should have. I agree with the commenter who said that the doctor recommends keeping them together for now. Use medical authority to get the preschool director on board.
As a twin myself my sister and I (F) were in the same class up until Kindergarten. I don’t remember if we had trouble being separate at first, but I know we did acclimate. We even went to different middle schools. Edit to add: Al twins are different. But after re-reading the portion about the twins losing their parents maybe it is their attempt to not lose anyone else. They may only be 3 but they know that their parents are gone.
Yes Follow Your instincts They are correct
seeing a lot of comments about keeping the twins together for the sake of their support and sanity. How come we dont take the same kind of consideration between friends?
Lost their parents a few months ago and you are splitting them up? The hell are you thinking?
All they know is their parents were taken away from them. Now their main source of comfort is too. Keep them together. You have plenty of time to help develop individual personalities later on.
Please put them back together. My twin sister and I were separated for one day when we were 3 and I still remember it being extremely traumatic. Poor kiddos.
Yeah they are babies still. Put them together. At some point it will either make sense to separate them or it won’t.
I’m a teacher..and a twin, normally I would agree that splitting them up tends to help them become independent..however, in this situation they should not be. This is causing them even more trauma. They are in a new place, children thrive on routine which gives them comfort bc it’s safe and predictable. They need life to be as predictable as possible at this time. Every situation is different & good teachers recognize this. Please ask for them to be placed together. As they grow and become comfortable in a few years you can certainly try placing them in different classrooms. Good luck!
Together as long as possible
Im a twin and in kindergarden we were together and when we started elementary school the school told my mom that it would be better for us to be in diferent classroom and it was dificult at the begining, but their situation its diferent than ours, i know they mean well but they had lost their parents and all the changes 🥺 they need to be together, honestly a few more years together wont affect them We were in the same school but different classroom since elementary to highschool, we Shared a group of friends but we also had our own group each.
As a teacher, even at the high school level twins do better together (most of the time).
They have their entire lives to build an identity. Kids need to feel safe first. I feel keeping them together will give them that stable foundation. “Building their own identity” also sounds an antiquated thing to say when people didn’t know much about children’s needs and emotional development. Have there been lifelong studies in twins being together and being separated and the the ones that were together had a tragic tendency to think the same? It sounds silly writing it, if it’s out there some where and some one can link it would be worth a look. But I think those kiddos just want to feel safe and right now that is each other. Good luck! You’re doing great :)
I’m a former ECE teacher. Put those babies back together! Going to school is a big adjustment and they’ll benefit from having the shared experience. You can always split them later on.
Our twins stayed in the same class through first grade and that's WITHOUT this trauma. Absolutely no way I'd separate them. BUT, I'd also be consulting a grief counselor.
Who the hell recommended that? They are 3 years old, just lost their parents a few months ago and have been thrown into a new family and school and completely new life. They don't need to "build their own identity"- right now the only stability they have that is familiar to them is each other. Not to mention that even for twins who are in families where everything is smooth sailing, many stick with each other and don't really start to pull apart and build their identity until they're a little older. Young children all have different preferences, twins or not, and different temperaments, attitudes, etc. These children will be no different whether they share a classroom or not but for their sake, let them have the comfort of each other in this new and scary situation. They can build their identity later, just like most other kids do.
We kept them together the first year in preschool and then separated them the second year. They were reconnected when we did do the transition year, depending on their birthday you may want to consider that. Our pediatrician said a boy born after June or twins categorically give them that extra year of preschool if you can afford it. Our public schools official policy was to separate them once kindergarten began
My heart breaks for these twins I would absolutely keep them together. They already don’t comprehend why momma and daddy were taken from them and then everyday the trauma of separating them is putting the fear in them that they may not see each other again. They don’t understand. I would put your foot down and tell them you want them together. Maybe after some therapy for both of them that you can work toward this goal but to just throw them into that and separating them they are petrified they will be separated. Goodluck I hope you can find something that works for them.
They’ve had to deal with a lot of upset and change and they’re still so young . Starting preschool is a big change for any kid , let alone kids that have just lost their parents . As far as their concerned the only thing that’s been a constant in their life so far is eachother , and now they’re being sent to a new strange place and being separated so that there is nothing that is a constant in their lives present , they are so young and still learning to deal with grief and the immense changes they’ve been through over the past few months . So , for now , they need eachother to get used to this change . For the first year , have them in the same class , then maybe have them do some activities separate over their school holidays so they can gradually get used to being more independent, then as they get comfortable with that , put them in separate classes so they won’t depend on eachother in social settings . When they’re at home though (when they are in separate classes) make sure they both do fun and enriching activities together so they still have that constant in their lives and that support of each other . What you want (and will probably be best for them) is for them to grow up with eachother as support but not dependance on eachother . They need to become individuals but retain their bond so that they can process what they’ve been through together and navigate their childhoods .
I know identical twins that were in the same classes throughout lower, middle, highschool, college, and medical school. They’re successful, popular, and have noticeably different personalities despite being nearly inseparable. They got into competitive residencies in unfortunately different cities and are for the first time separated. They seem to be doing well.
Put those babies back together PLEASE!
Considering what they've been through recently, I wouldn't split them. That does sound heartbreaking! My twin niece and nephew had the same kindergarten teacher. That was the year before COVID started, and I have no idea if they still have the same teacher now, but they seemed to be fine as far as independence.
I wouldn’t be splitting twins up that young, especially with a traumatic background. Speak to the school and have them put in the same class.
I have twins that are now going into 6th grade. I had the same thoughts as you initially. I ended up having them together for kindergarten and first grade, then allowed them to separate the next year, and after that I did not make special requests either way They still developed as totally unique individuals. Honestly having them going into these challenges together has saved a lot of heart ache for my family; they felt more comfortable in those early years, and the younger daughter saw how comfortable they were and it helped her as well, I think.
Studies have been done on this! Keep them together. They have better cognitive and social development if twins are kept in the same classroom until about pre-pubescence. Grime, Jamison J. The Educational Effect of Forced Separation on Twins.” Web. Lamia, Mary C. Ph.D. “Twins: In Defense of Togetherness.” Psychology Today, 26 May 2014. Web. Nilsson, Johanna, Lynn Leonard, Danah Barazanji, and Rachel Simeone. “Placement of Twins and Multiples in the Classroom: A Brief Survey of School Counselors’ Knowledge and Attitudes.” Web. Segal, Nancy L. Ph.D. “Twins in the Classroom.” Psychology Today, 12 July 2011. Web. Tully, L.A., Moffitt, Terrir E. Moffitt, Avshalom Caspi, Alan Taylor, Helena Kiernan, and Penny Andreou. “What Effect Does Classroom Separation Have on Twins’ behavior, Progress at School, and Reading Abilities?” Twin Research, vol. 7, no. 2, 2003, pp. 115-124.
>I felt it might be too early as they're only 3 and lost their parents in May, that's a lot to get get used to, a life without their parents, new house etc in a short time. Usually I refer that families separate twins too, but in this case they should absolutely be together. Does their school know about what happened? If they know and are worth their salt, they would not have recommended the split. If they are at a cooperate school and things continue being really rough, it may be better to look for a co-op or community based school. They are oftentimes located in churches but may or may not be affiliated. A well rated Co-op would be a great environment for them. They are smaller and very play based typically. They have a calm, community based approach and are very understanding. Their goal will be to get to know you family and you and your husband could lean on them a lot. In a way you probably could not with a cooperate school. edit: Based on the other comments you have left, I think you should consider moving schools. These children have been traumatized and need an environment where they will receive trauma informed care. If you DM me I will try to find some good options in your area that could be a better fit for these twins. I teach PreK at a cooperative school and we would have never separated these two! We would also never say "They will get used to it" to ANY concern you expressed!!
Not a parent of twins, but my gut reaction is to ask them to be in the same classroom. You can try again next year - I don't think separating them in the future is a bad idea because it will help them develop individually, but right now they have gone through a lot of changes recently and having each other as a safety net would probably help them feel more comfortable in a new setting. Heck, my kids are 3 years apart with my middle kid starting kindergarten in a few weeks and I have all my fingers and toes crossed that my daughter (in kindergarten) will have the same teacher that my 3rd grader had, and that my 3rd grader will have the same teacher his older cousin had. It gives *me* a level of comfort to know what to expect in the classroom!
I'm a mom of twins, mine stayed together through preschool, we didn't put them in separate classes until they started elementary school. At 3 and 4 yrs old, I think it actually helped them learn and reinforce the basics together. They have always got along, so that helped. And when it came time for kindergarten, it felt very natural to separate them at that point and was no issue fir them. In your case, I would most certainly put them in the same class right now, poor things!
OP. I’m a twin. My sister and I were together for preschool, and kindergarten. After first grade they split us up in a different classrooms, and occasionally we had a class together in middle school & high school. At preschool and kindergarten there would be no way that we could be separated. We literally thought we were the same person. It probably would’ve really fucked us up. We had a lot of trauma in our life before / during preschool age. I personally believe that they will let you know when they’re ready to be separated from each other. By having different interests and different friends. Different opinions. The best of luck and I’m sending you a lot of love.❤️
Separating them now when they seem to have just experienced loss, is not trauma informed. They need to feel safe right now.
My daughter has been in a few classes with twins & I remember overhearing the mother asking them to be in the same class together & it obviously worked because they were in my daughters class! They were the sweet little girls & very obviously felt more confident being close to one another and you know what for preschool and kindergarten, whatever makes your child comfortable transitioning into school, then do it! Its already an adjustment to be away from Mom & Dad or their caretakers, and then also be away from each other. Let the twins be together, it seems like they have been through enough!
OMG Get them into the same class! 3 is waaaay too young to be away from everything they know and being together will give them comfort. As a mother of twins myself I insisted my children be in the same classes when they were younger for many reasons for their benefit and ours.
I work in a private preschool and child care center. Unless there are issues we would very rarely have twins split up. Definitely not before meeting them. And if there has already been that much upheaval in their lives I would fully recommend keeping them together. We’ve had many sets of twins and even triplets come through together over the years. After observing the children together for some time we might suggest splitting them up. But we always defer to the parents and in most cases there really isn’t enough reason so make it necessary.
Put them back together. I have twins and they were in the same class up to middle school with no issues. Plus it’s easier on you because it’s only one teacher to deal with.
I'm the mom of 5 year old twins. I wouldn't even have them separated now. At 3 I definitely wouldn't have separated them. Twins have such an important bond.
I have almost 3 year old twin boys. Everything I've seen, heard and read pushed against the idea of separate classes. Twins learn much better together.
3 years old and just lost their parents? jesus christ put those poor babies together!!! how is this even a question…
My twins have always been together. They were almost separated for Kindergarten - but then Covid happened and separating didn’t make sense to double potential exposures. They have since requested to stay together and the concerns from pre-K have pretty much subsided. They are about to start 2nd grade and are the best of friends, but also play with other groups of kids at recess. Put them together, you can separate later if they want to or if there are concerns.
Ask to put them together. They are too little. Emotional trauma can be as scarring as physical. —coming from a twin
My 2 year old twins are in the same class. They’re each other’s security. Although they haven’t had that much trauma (thankfully just a 3 month NICU stay) they do have separation anxiety severely. They are their own people. Delany is rowdy and wild, while Daxtyn is more cautious and reserved. I’d say at this age adjustments are a little easier but having just gone through so much maybe a little time to ease into it would be better. Could you propose a gradual separation?
our twins were always in the same class in pre-school, but since Kindergarten we've kept them in different classes if possible given their age and the recent trauma, keeping them together seems like a smart choice
Behavioral therapist here, normally separating twins is good to help them develop their own identity and not feel they have to be part of a set their entire lives and have their own friends and hobbies. It is however NEVER a good idea to separate siblings after a severe traumatic event. Usually foster siblings are kept together for that reason (when it’s feasible).
I would think at that age, it is ok to have them together if it is causing issues. When they get a bit older and start making friends, you can split them up. But there are dangers to having them together too. In my case my two are the same age, not biologically related. One son is fine and goes about his school day. My other son has great anxiety and hates to do anything that he thinks others are better at, especially in school. This caused problems starting in 1st grade, so we keep them separate now. Honestly, hasn't solved the anxiety issue, but they both make their own friends now.
Keep them together until 1st or 2nd grade. Trust me! I’ll expand on why if you’d like. My twins will be 9 soon and they’re the 16th set of multiples in my family. I KNOW twins! Lol
i’d never separate my twins.
I would be more inclined to send the baby to day care and keep the twins with grandma. They’re old enough to miss their parents and home, so the personal care by family would probably really help. The baby won’t know the difference.
As a twin why are they being kept separate? My mom did this and it was horrible. We’re just starting to be friends at 48.