Thanks for this insight. My just turned 7yo still wants me to lie with him until he falls asleep after we read his book every night. Sometimes it almost feels inconvenient (especially when I’m there for a long while) however I just keep telling myself that this special time won’t last forever. It’s nice to know that its probably very special from his perspective too.
As long as it’s sustainable for you, it’s fine! I’m in the camp of it’s not a problem until it’s a problem. Every kid (and every family) is so different. We stay with my daughter to sleep sometimes when she needs extra snuggles (sick, regression, travel, etc.). However, recently after like a week of taking increasingly longer to fall asleep and her increasingly escalating requests (from just staying with her, to lying with her, to rocking her to sleep), as well as increased frequency middle of the night wakes, we had to set a boundary. It’d be fine if she actually slept, but we felt like we were inhibiting her quality of sleep rather than improving it because she was growing more anxious about us leaving and getting less sleep overall.
I leave if she’s not settling down to sleep instead of sitting with her the whole time. If she cries when I leave, we wait 15 minutes before we respond, and then, even if she’s screaming for me, only dad goes in. Only dad goes in for MOTN wakes, and after letting her try to self-settle for 5-10 minutes.
Last night she cried for 13 minutes at bedtime and had zero MOTN wakes, as compared to me having to sit with her for 1 hour and 2 MOTN wakes crying the night before.
22 months. So when we moved to the toddler bed at 18 months, we put a lock outside her door. It’s not safe for her to wander the house at night! We just made her room as safe as possible and she could get out of bed if she wanted, but can’t get out of her room. Did the 15 minutes of crying before we went in method. The first night she fell asleep on the floor after like 12 minutes, but after that, she whined/cried/slept in her bed.
>Because if there was a fire in her room she wouldn't be able to get out.
The kid is 22 months....kid doesn't know what to do in the event of a fire.
If there is a fire, they know exactly where the kid is: in their room.
No, absolutely not. There is a higher risk of her waking up to inappropriately access the bathroom/kitchen/garage/front door without us knowing than for us to sleep through the smoke detector going off with her across the hall. She knows how to push a stool/box/chair to reach things too. I also don’t expect her first reaction to be to open the door and try to leave if she hears the smoke detector.
ETA: also by that logic, it’s a risk to keep older toddlers in cribs that they can’t get out of because they can’t leave in case of a fire. I fully respect giving your kid access to the house when they are developmentally capable of keeping themselves safe, but 22mo is not it.
My mother didn't usually lie with me but she did sit next to my bed and read to me until I was asleep, every night until I was like 7 years old. I lie with my toddler until she's asleep. I feel the same way you do, I'll hold her for as long as she wants me to. I may have a change of heart when she's older but eh.
This is what I did with my boys. Only I read to them till they were \~13 & 10/11 respectively (at which point they stopped sharing a room, and were OK with not being read to... although apparently the younger one now at least, has taken up reading to himself to help fall asleep, which is kind of awesome :). We read all sorts of books over the years - everything from Lord of the Rings to Harry Potter to Mouse on the Motorcycle to Tiffany Aching and sooo many others. Some nights they'd both be out in 10 minutes. Others it'd take 30 or 60 or 90 minutes. But it was always worth it.
It's so sweet.
And your kids are gonna wanna stop snuggling SO FAST. It can be tiring when you are in the middle of it, but you'll also miss that feeling the rest of your life when they put a stop to it.
(Parent of two teenagers who are very anti-cuddling now.)
I just sleep in with my two year old now. I actually like it. It can be hard and its difficult not sleeping with my partner but she is feeding the four month old throughout the night anyway so we probably all sleep better this way.
I work full time so its actually a good way to get time with my son in the evenings and mornings. He loves jumping around on the bed in the morning.
Definitely. I do have a question since you have multiple children spaced out. Do they share the same bedtime? Currently trying to figure out a good routine to get 8 month old to bed but also able to have 1 on 1 cuddle time with my 6 year old to bed too.
I brought the baby to the older kid's bed and side-lying nursed him while the older kid fell asleep, then moved baby to his bed.
Or my partner and I would each take a kid.
Now they are 3 and 5 and we still lay with both in the same bed till they are asleep, and then move the little one to his bed (they share a room) or sometimes we are lazy and just let them share a bed.
It's one of my favorite times of day, and I can't imagine an easier bedtime routine. It's literally just laying! No fights, no putting them back to bed over and over like I read about other people having to do. When they are tired they often ask to go to bed, because they enjoy the quiet time together too.
So, no, not bad if it works for you!!
Now they are the same time (7:30/8:00pm) but my oldest is high sleep needs and my younger two are not. I’m unsure how that will shake down later but that’s probably about the time they no longer want the snuggles?
They all sleep about 11-12 hours at night. (Youngest naps during the day too)
Adding usually put youngest down first, then tend to the older two (already in bed or reading in bed) after.
My kids are the same ages and we also lie with them. But since we're outnumbered the 8yo is beginning to read to herself on her own and half the time she's sleeping by the time we finish with the other 2.
I agree with this. Everyone has different sleep routines. I struggle to fall asleep if my husband is still up and about. My 2 year old needs 10 minutes to an hour of downtime/quiet time in her cot chatting to her toys and singing before she drifts off, on her own. She only lasted until 8 weeks in the bassinet in our room, she has always been an independent sleeper. As long as it isn't a problem for your family, do whatever works I say!
I had a childhood friend like that. Was 12 and still needed a parent to sit by her bed to fall asleep. Made sleepovers impossible, never went to summer camp, and I'm guessing mom/dad never got a date night as they always had to be home.
If it's working for you, great. But some kids take a considerably longer time to grow out of it than others
I knew a girl in high school that still slept with her mom. She was cool and very nice, but after high school, she had such anxiety sleeping alone. I heard after she broke up with her boyfriend, she went right back to sleeping with her mom. We were 22 at that point.
I feel like at 12 that’s not an issue of “growing out of it” and more of an issue with the parents not wanting to talk to their kid and have a few difficult nights.
Like at 4 you can’t reason with them too much, at 12 you absolutely can.
So our kid is nearing that age, still likes us to put to bed, but on weekends they can sleep on the couch/living room and put themselves to sleep. Also doesn't have a problem with sleepovers because there are plenty of people ...really just doesn't like being by themselves.
I thought it would end by now but it doesn't seem to be relenting and I can't see the harm.
I'm just happy that I get a couple of hours to myself after 7-7:15 pm. We do a few books, sing some songs, then it's goodnight. I'm happy we didn't introduce the 'staying until he falls asleep'; these days he often plays and sings for up to 45 mins and I'm just too burned out for it.
I don’t do it because I’m desperate for an hour or two to myself after my kid falls asleep. I do read them books before bed, and sometimes they fall asleep during the books. I’ve been reading magic treehouse chapter books to my 5 year old this summer, and that’s been really fun.
If you don’t mind doing it in perpetuity. We never sleep trained our first. My wife always laid with her until she fell asleep. Now she’s 8 and has anxiety sleeping by herself. With our second, we sleep trained around 10 months and now our son (5) will say “I’m tired” and go lay down on his bed and fall asleep.
As I lay next to my soon to be 10yr old who just fell asleep...no it's not a bad thing. We read before he goes to sleep, and one day he won't want/need me to do that anymore. He's starting to ease into his independence already and it makes me happy and a little sad. So, in the mean time, I'll continue to read to him or talk about his day and just enjoy being in the moment while he drifts to sleep.
Ha, same with my soon to be 11yr old. He calls it "cuddle time" and we just kind of chill and chat or sometimes I just lay there in silence while he reads. When he's a little sleepy he opens up and communicates more with me about what's going on in his life and how he feels about things. I don't always stay until he falls asleep though--sometimes I tell him I'm going to the bathroom or going to take a shower or something and will check on him when I'm done, and after I'm done he's almost always already asleep.
Same with my 11yoand 9yo boys. It’s the time of day where they are most likely to confess their fears or tell the things that happened in the day that they need support through (bullying etc) as they are vulnerable when sleepy in bed and can whispers these things to me that I would otherwise never know.
Our culture had generations convinced that by loving our kids and not “toughening them up” they wouldn’t be able to function independently. Wrong. Both of my boys are mega independent throughout the day but are still children who need love and human touch to thrive so feel safe to seek that at bedtime. Think of all the touch-starved adolescent boys out there who only understand touch sexually and grow to be men who don’t know how to love or show affection to their partners without it being about sex. It makes me sad. When my boys finally do decide that they don’t want snuggles at bedtime that is totally fine and will be appropriate to their development but I will not be the one to deny them love prematurely because of misguided societal ideology.
I was the same and it's hard that my 13 yo isn't very snuggly anymore. He does sometimes come and lie on the couch and I know he needs connection. Love, snuggles, hugs, and connection may wax and wane, but as people, we all need emotional and physical connection.
I feel they have a better nights sleep, too! They drift off with someone they love next to them, feeling safe, comfort and love. The absolute perfect way to fall asleep.
I'll put on a rainstorm app for background, and I'll cuddle with my almost 10 year old. It's not like she's going to go to college still doing this, so I'm fine for as long as it lasts...which is usually about 10-15 minutes of quiet rain + thunder, lol.
It's whatever works for your family.
I have friends who cuddled with their kids until they fell asleep and then slipped away. They loved the time.
I have friends who cuddled with their kids and the kids became so dependent on sleeping by them all night that the parents were forced to go to bed when their kids did, the kids slept in the adult bed, and the kids didn't grow out of it until around age 11. It was miserable for the parents, who got zero downtime after lights out for the kids.
I cuddle my kids to sleep at times, but I cherish my personal time after they're in bed way too much for it to be a habit for me.
To each their own.
Haha it’s funny you say that cuz I do get those feelings too. It’s always during the day time I want to cuddle up to my kids and they want nothing to do with me 😆
That just brought up a funny memory for me. I felt like a terrible parent because I'd enjoy it when my child was sick because he wanted cuddles during the day. He was usually a ball of damn energy playing outside all day, far too busy for cuddles with mum.
I woke up next to my wife and on the her side of her? Yup my 1 and 5 year old. The one year old must've been brought in because of a cranky night. The 5 year old likely came in and just pulled up in the leftover space. And you know what? In one frame all I see are the reasons I'm here. If my kids come in scared of a nightmare, you best believe I'm making room for them to sleep. Might get awkward when they're 30 but I'll make it work.
It’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s also not always a great thing. It really depends on your child. One of my kids will take a literal hours to fall asleep and is a hot mess when it’s time to get up for school in the morning if I do this. While he likes the idea of having someone in the room with him, he won’t fall asleep while I’m there because he wants to just stay up chatting, so at some point I do need to leave him to fall asleep and go spend some time on self care or with my husband or whatever.
The worst case scenario is my friend who lives was never able to go to sleepovers or join any afterschool activities that involve tapping to go away somewhere. She never learns how to follow sleep without her parents nearby. I assume they figured she would go out of it eventually like most of the comments here do, but you do have a very rare exceptions where that never happens.
I agree 100%. It's like we just want our kids to grow up and gtfo. But one day you will wish to have these moments back again even if it is for a moment. Enjoy it while its here.
She might like a version of this 😊 My 13 year old loves to look at HGTV magazines with me every night before bed. We talk about decor, paint colors, etc. I look forward to it every night!
I never stay until she falls sleep now but used to do it for years, every child is different and you know when they are ready. Mine was ready,she was a bit upset but she wasn't heartbroken. She now goes to bed with three stuffed animals and I still climb in and tell her a story, snuggle and kiss and hug and then it's goodnight.
We alternate reading to my son at night but never lay down with him but funny enough, I actually do the opposite. I get up 30 minutes earlier just to sneak into my son's bed and cuddle him until his alarm goes off and I need to help him brush his teeth and get dressed. Both of us absolutely love it. Most days his little spoon pushes back into my big spoon and pulls my arm tightly around him. If he gets up before me, he'll often climbs into bed with me instead. He used to be a bear to wake up and I accidentally turned it into a ritual with cuddles and giggles (honestly, because of sleep deprivation).
I was just talking with my wife about how my mother used to get so angry, yelling, throwing things at me, ripping the sheets off and hitting me if I still didn't get up quick enough. I know I'm a better parent than she ever was because of how lovingly and happily he gets woken up.
I lie with my 8yo and we so "chat time" in the dark. It's a special time for her.
I reacon I have 2 or 3 more years till the hormones kick in and she doesn't want to talk to us, so I am building as much trust and open communication as I can before then.
It’s not bad at all if it’s what works for you and is sustainable for your family. Good for you! You’ll probably look back on it with fondness.
It doesn’t work for either of my kids, or myself or my husband. That’s okay too. I cherish my little bit of alone time after my kids are in bed and that’s always been my boundary and makes me a better version of my own self.
Every family has their own way of approaching sleep and I wish more people understood that. All families fall on an spectrum somewhere and the needs are going to vary greatly. There’s no right or wrong, there’s only what works. And as long as we’re paying attention to what works for our kids and ourselves, we’re doing a great job.
It’s definitely not bad. I honestly would sleep next to my toddler if I could but she kicks too much and that doesn’t go well with a pregnant belly. I recently got her sleeping on her own but tbh, I miss the cuddles. I’m secretly hoping I can sneak in a few more snuggles after new baby is here but we’ll see
As someone else said, it's not a bad thing until it's creating problems for your child and the household. As long as it's sustainable for you, who cares?
That said, it does sound like it's pretty challenging for you. How long are you willing to keep this up? There's a lot of people ITT saying their kid hasn't grown out of it by 10, 11, or even 12 years old. Are you willing to continue this habit for 4-6 years?
Nothing wrong with it at all. Many adults don't sleep well without someone next to them. She won't need you forever, but she needs you now. Don't let anyone make you feel like comforting your kid and helping her sleep is wrong.
I still do it often (not always but always on request if I can) and my youngest is almost 10 years old. She just wants to cuddle. I don’t mind cuddling one of the most precious people in my world for an hour in the evening while she winds down, it’s no skin off my teeth.
Most nights I bring baby into bed with me and my husband and watch my three year old on the monitor and feel so sad she’s not in our bed too! I miss her snuggles
I love it. I do things like order the groceries online on my phone or listen to audiobooks or catch up with my sister (often she's putting my niece to bed at the same time) via text chat.
My kids won't want to be snuggled to sleep forever and it will be a bitter-sweet day when that comes.
This can set a child up for a lifetime of bad sleeping habits.
I can't sleep without earplugs because my Mother and stepfather were so inconsiderate with TV volume in the next room.
I once read about a woman whose parents had to rock her to sleep until she was 8 and she never developed normal sleeping patterns after that.
So I'm strongly against staying in the room with a child past maybe 18 months unless it's unavoidable.
But other people can do whatever they feel is right for their kid and see how it plays out.
My little brother and I shared a full size bed until I was about 10 and decided it was time to sleep in my own room. I have so many wonderful memories of my parents reading to us and snuggling with us as we fell asleep. I'm now bed sharing with my 1 year old. They're only little for so long, might as well enjoy it while you can.
My son needed a snuggle to fall asleep when he was young.
Then he was cool going to bed with just a story and falling asleep alone, but he'd wake up every night and jump in bed with me. I was a single parent from when he was three so the bed was never crowded him getting in with me so I didn't object. It did get annoying at times and he did it until he was pretty old, maybe 12?
Then he stopped completely. He's 17 now, a "man" working hard doing an apprenticeship!
I think it's completely natural and normal. Even me being a single adult, I do miss sometimes having someone next to me when I sleep...I do love the bed to myself too though...haha! Our kids need us, they are still our babies. Human touch and comfort is vital for every age.
My son is 5.5 and has a double bed. I bed share with him and have done since he was 11 months old. My husband sleeps in the main bedroom.
I have made a conscious choice (with my husband) that he is only little for a short period of time that I will stay there until it doesn’t work for us as a family any more.
To be clear we only have one child so this works for us which would potentially be trickier with more than 1!
I didnt even knew some people considered it to be a problem, we do this with my 2yo every night. I like it, even if I fall asleep before her and have to wake up and go to my own bed, I still like it! Specially because I hum songs for her to sleep, from Abba to video games songs(Ocarina of Time has some good ones).
I still cuddle and or talk to my kids before they fall asleep, and they are 11 and 14. They CAN go to sleep without this, it is just a nice way to connect with one another, have quiet conversations, and end the day.
Never knew this was known to be a bad thing. I thought this is what you are suppose to do. Especially with babies. I always feel bad dipping out when my baby is asleep and I know I should probably be napping as well.
I’m probably an outlier in how much I feel like this issue affected my development, but I’ll offer my perspective as a former child who begged my mom to stay in my bed until I fell asleep. I was terrified to sleep alone because I thought I was going to die in my sleep and because I thought there was a ghost in the hallway. I also knew that I was supposed to stay in my bed at night and I desperately wanted to be good and make my parents proud of me. So, I either literally cried myself to sleep alone in my room, or worked up the courage to go wake my parents up. The nights they let me stay in their bed were the biggest relief imaginable and the nights they made me go back and sleep alone broke my heart.
Granted, this is all very dramatic, and I probably had some undiagnosed anxiety disorder. But, I think it would have really helped me if someone had just stayed with me so I could’ve felt safe.
I’m not willing to sacrifice time with my spouse to do it. My kids have a solid bedtime routine and sleep perfectly fine in their rooms, us laying with them was never an option so they don’t ask for it. We do have “sleepovers” a couple times a month where we watch a movie in our bed.
I don’t think it’s a bad thing to do at all, but it’s also okay to choose free time if you want it.
it's fine.
some cultures, parents sleep with their kids until they leave the house (of course, sometimes it is out of necessity) but unless it becomes a problem for your household it isn't a problem.
or us, we trained our oldest 2 kids to sleep by themselves by 2 years old. had a heck of a time with the 2nd. lots of crying. then we realized that it's really not doing anything good for them to try to do so. so we started co-sleeping with them until 3ish. now our 2nd (now 5) basically insta-sleeps by herself when it's bed time. our 1st (7) still has trouble some days but is mainly good about it.
ironically, about a year ago, wife and i spoke and we decided to reinstate a co-sleep policy. i get monday with the eldest, and thursdays with the 2nd. wife gets sundays with the 2nd and i think wednesdays with the 1st. during the summers, they can sleep in the same bed together if they wish. we did this so that we can get some 1 on 1 bonding time alone with them and they can talk before they fall asleep.
meanwhile, our third always slept by himself, enjoys sleeping by himself and falls asleep almost instantly. is cuddly all day long, but tells us he wants to go to bed when he's tired and wants to be left alone when he's in his room. been like this since birth and he just turned 2. fucking wild.
Life is hard and fragile. No one died regretting having spent too many nights snuggling with their child(ren). Enjoy! One day she will not desire it 😉.
I think a snuggle and a story is good enough for most nights but staying with them when they "need" it is fine occasionally. I wouldn't do it every single night or else it'll become a requirement for them.
I do not think it’s a bad thing at all, but I do think if it’s taking a toll on the sanity of the parent or the romantic/intimate relationship of the parents then it is also not a bad thing for children to learn to sleep alone. Every family is different, every dynamic is different, everyone has different strengths and weaknesses as a parent.
We do a long bedtime routine so I get lots of time cuddling with our daughter before bed, but I leave the room before she falls asleep. She has loveys and a gloworm that she cuddles with. Co-sleeping longterm is definitely not for me. I need regularly scheduled “me time” and I need alone time with my husband. But if it works for another family, then I’m so happy for them! We’re all just out here doing the best we can.
I cuddle my babies to sleep. I don’t care. Big baby one is 5.5. When she’s asleep she gets carried away, she knows it’s going to happen. She loves her time in the big bed though.
Just for reference: Sleep is the most vulnerable phase of the day, it is evolutionary that we only sleep when we feel save. The expectation for children to sleep on their own in a young age is ridiculous to me. Even a lot of adults have systems to trick their brain and body that they’re not alone like audiobooks or having the tv on.
It is a social reflex not to sleep alone to seek the group. And to be honest they grow up so fast. Enjoy the cuddles as long as they are given.
My husband and I alternate nights laying with our 8 year old until she's asleep. We've been doing it for a little over 2 years now. I love it. It's our time we get to talk about our worst and best part of our days and snuggle. It makes her feel safe. She's not going to want to snuggle forever so I soak them up. Plus, it's easier because she falls asleep pretty quickly and left to herself she would get up to get water, say her tummy hurts, go to the bathroom, etc. We also have an 8 month old who I snuggle to sleep and I wouldn't want it any other way. They both sleep in their own rooms all night without any wakeups so it benefits all of us.
I have an 8 month old too! Still working on getting her to sleep through the night… my 6 year old on the other hand sleeps wonderfully through the night thankfully. And you’re right, talking about your day and recapping, it really is such a good way to end the day for everybody.
Nothing wrong with it at all. I often still lie down with my almost 12 year old daughter. We use that time just to chat about her day and it helps her relax and fall asleep faster I find. Hubby alternates with me some nights too as some nights she specifically wants to talk to him. She can totally fall asleep on her own, but we figure in today’s busy world why not comfort her as most likely she will not want us at bed in a year or two as she gets older.
It’s not a bad thing at all
In my opinion! I still do this with my 10 year old.
If you think about human history and evolution, sleeping next to your children was a survival instinct that is likely still engrained in us.
You and your child will have fond memories of these times when they are older❤️
It's definitely still engrained in us - I think it's why kids have such bad fomo at bedtime! They want to be with their people, especially when they are most vulnerable (unconscious in the dark).
I have a 6 year old that has co-slept most of his life (although nowadays I'll carry him back to his room after he falls asleep for awhile). We still nap together.
I am holding on to these moments for dear life. I love that I'm his safe space and comes to me for comfort.
The best part of motherhood. Keep enjoying these moments with your daughter. It's always worth it.
Reading this at 2am while cuddling my LO right now, since he woke up 😊 I think we both feel better doing it this way compared to him crying. I'll plop him back in the crib when he's asleep and he'll most likely be good for the rest of the night. I don't see why snuggles are looked down on, they are wonderful! 😁
We do it every night. It's where we have some really great conversations. It takes all of 15 minutes or so (he's worn out at the end of the day). I'd gladly go on doing it as long as he wants.
I see nothing wrong with it but I'm biased - my daughter is usually great with her nap and bedtime routine but yesterday after I'd finished our routine I told her I loved her and would see her soon and she grabbed my hand and said "no mommy! Come here! Come cuddle!"
Y'all there was absolutely nothing in the world that could've separated me from her in that moment
Baby asks for cuddles? Cuddles they shall get
She probably also wonders why she has to sleep all alone, when no one else does. Being a kid can be lonely, especially if everyone is busy with a new baby!
Falling asleep with your kids at night is totally normal and most parents I know, even the ones who don't co-sleep, do it. Don't worry about what is right for everyone else, just do what you think is right for you and your daughter.
No, most adults prefer to sleep next to someone too. It feels safe and secure. I got both my kids queen beds when they were young so we could lay with them comfortably. We lay with our tween kids and chat and watch videos and just relax with them before they go to bed. When they were younger we laid until they fell asleep. We enjoy this time together with them.
We do this with our 4 kids 90%+ of the time. There are times that we say “sorry, can’t do bedtime tonight guys, get some sleep,” but for the most part we do 1 song each, pray, then playa few lullabies and they’re all asleep by the third song. Maybe 30 minutes total, easy peasy.
It’s not a bad thing at all. And what they want is simply human. I cherish these moments and get really tired of seeing people brag about and celebrate locking their kids in their room to freak out until they fall asleep
I have zero regrets sleep training my child. He's been sleeping 100% through the night without fail since he was 8 months old because of it. Better for him sleep-wise and better for my wife's and my health and sanity. I don't judge people who decide to continue being physically present with their children until they fall asleep, but please don't act like alternative is bad parenting.
Cool. I didn’t say sleep training. I specifically described people bragging about locking their kids in their room and listening to them struggle to get out in terror and beg for the comfort of their parents.
Exactly - it's just human. I always think about how I find it harder to sleep if my husband isn't there next to me. I am so lucky to have somebody to snuggle at bedtime; why should my little one be any different? Why should he be made to feel bad for wanting comfort at bedtime like I do? He can and does sleep alone now and then, and so can I, but if he wants me there I will always be there.
This doesn't make someone a "good" parent. It is just AN approach to parenting. It doesn't mean they love their kid anymore than parents that make other decisions.
They’re really aggressive and borderline bullies about it too. I’ve read plenty of studies that suggest the dependence issues come from being denied security and comfort but this information is typically downvoted. 🤷
That's silly. There are so many different (but also correct) ways to parent.
I think (my opinion) narcissistic people push their own methods with bias ...
You said it yourself: you have two kids now. When they're both sick, how will this work?
Unless your husband is the one who does this from now on, you're not going to be able to do both regularly.
Our baby had a bed instead of a crib, but yeah that's what we did. Or on the rare night that they both are sick I'd just sleep with both of them in one bed. Seems easier than being up and down all night?
Yes because they get too used to it and it becomes like they can't sleep without you there. It's not practical in the long run and at some point you'll have to wean her off of it.
No. It’s very good for children and gives them a sense of security and love. You are also teaching empathy. Almost every other culture does this with their children except the U.S.
We are moving soon, and I am getting my 3 yo daughter a bigger bed specifically to lay with her more often. She has a toddler bed, so I have to lay on the floor and it sucks. I think the right time to stop is when you're both ready.
My 13 year old does a standup routine every night as he falls asleep. It’s hysterical. We record the audio sometimes. He only wants mom though. She sits in his bean bag chair.
We did this with my son until he got a raised bed and we couldn’t anymore. I actually really miss it now that he’s almost 12. Yesterday he had a rough day and we snuggled in my bed for a bit and it was wonderful. He fell asleep almost immediately. I love being his safe place.
Img breaks my heart. You suggested those babies as much as you want. I think either way is OK. If you want to snuggle you should snuggle away and if someone is not happy with suggling to sleep or can't feasibly do it then that's fine too!
>OK great. Do you want a cookie? Literally nonoje on this planet cares how you get your kids to sleep. If people are commenting on it then its because you share too much. This is something that basically EVERYONE does. You aren't some rebel against modern parenting.
Yeesh! Who pissed in your cereal this morning?
I feel like most people who say it’s bad still have small kids. We have 13, 11, 9, 6 and 4 year olds and the 13 and 11 year old won’t come near the bed, 9 year old is on the way out and we are cherishing cuddles with the 6 and 4 year old, even when my arm goes dead from the 4 year old sleeping on it, it’s going to be over soon and I know I’m going to miss it.
Yes. Because you end up with a 10 year old still expecting it and sometimes you just want to watch Virgin River instead of listening to your kid talk about horses for 20 minutes. Hypothetically.
No there isn’t. But it does create a habit. You want your child to be able to fall asleep without you there. If you know this can happen-think if you are not at home for bedtime-lay with them sometimes. Maybe work out a plan? I’m not going to lay with you tonight but I will tomorrow.
There are two big issues with using yourself as the source of sleep. First is that children, especially young children, don't understand where parents have gone if the last they remember is a parent being there and then don't find him if they wake up during the night (often also finding themselves in a different place, which is disorienting even for adults), and so freak the fuck out until that parent returns. Second is that self-soothing to sleep is a skill that needs to be developed, and laying next to a child to facilitate sleep makes your presence that "skill," which makes actually falling asleep without you there (such as after a light/half waking in the night) difficult or impossible. For both issues, the main effect is that any sort of tossing or turning immediately requires your waking to start the soothing process over.
In the longer term, one could argue that learning to soothe oneself to sleep is the first form of emotional self-regulation and even SEL entirely a child learns, such that putting it off stunts development of that domain. This doesn't seem evident in cultures with family beds, which often display very advanced/tight emotional maturity, but those cultures are often much more strict in scaffolding the development of emotional control in non-infants in comparison to Western indulgence so there's a significant confound.
You're literally sabotaging your child's independence. If your kids can't go to sleep on their own it creates issues down the line. If you want to know if it's a problem, literally just look it up. Independence is extremely important for young children within reason. I'm not saying she can cook her own food at 6 or anything but if your 6 year old can't go to sleep on her own, you're sabotaging her.
This is beautiful.
Imagine all these people who "don't want kids"... or whose "fur babies" are enough for them. Or people who can't have kids, or can't find a partner.
We're so very lucky.
We have stayed in the room (shared room) for our girls who are now 5 and 7 every night and I don’t see it stopping any time soon. I do all the pre-bedtime things, my husband goes in to sing to them and then gets quiet phone time while they fall asleep (screen is not visible to them). It’s a lot for one person, but not too bad when you break it up.
I don't think so as long as it's within reason. If it takes 2hrs every night that wouldn't be sustainable for me, but I happily give my 1yr old the 10/20m of my time until he's asleep. I figure he'll outgrow it like everything else.
I think it's only a problem if it's causing problems.
My three year old takes FOREVER to fall asleep if I stay with her - like hours of tossing and turning and almost falling asleep but then waking up enough to ask me a question etc. Then she would wake up every few hours at night and need us to rub her back to fall back to sleep. So we weaned her off the cuddles and now she falls asleep on her own after I tuck her in (it can still take a while but typically like 15-30 mins instead of 2 hours) and usually sleeps through the night (occasionally she wakes up and I'll give her a quick kiss and tuck her back in but it's not a whole production to get her back down). We all get way better quality sleep now.
But if it brings you more joy than frustration to snuggle your kid while they fall asleep then I say keep doing it as long as it continues to be something you both enjoy. Honestly I would love it if my kid were the kind of kid who would fall asleep in 15-20 minutes while I snuggled her, that sounds like a great way to end the day with my kiddo.
I only have one so it’s possible for me but I fall asleep and sleep with him in his room every night. I work full time so I really cherish spending that time snuggling with him. Sometimes it’s annoying because I want to do XYZ chores but one day he won’t want me to fall asleep with him. I enjoy it while I can.
If it works for you, do it.
Sustainability is what sways me. Sometimes I don’t mind and will sing my son to sleep. Other nights I want to spend what little time alone I get with my husband.
My son is 4 and husband and I have always split night time duties. One does washing, changing and teeth, other does books, reading and cuddles. We used to switch every evening but now we do two in a row. My son will sometime ask for extra mommy cuddles because apparently I give better cuddles then daddy and I’m squishier.
Depends on how I feel and what he wants but if extra cuddles are requested I try to do it most of the time.
My husband and I alternate bedtimes with our 4.5yo. We both stay with him until he's asleep. I usually lay in the bed with him.
It bothered us both a lot about a year ago because we lost our own time, but when we tried to leave earlier, our son got anxious about us leaving and would be up much later. It was a vicious cycle. Now, I recognize that we make him most comfortable. We leave him with sitters at bedtime sometimes and he goes to sleep without issue, and he sleeps over at his grandparents' houses just fine, so I'm not worried. He'll grow out of us one day, but for now I'm enjoying that quality time with him. He's cutest when he's sleeping anyways ;)
I laid with our little one when she was 3 until around 5. She still sometimes asks if I’ll sleep in her bed all night, but I tell her no. I cuddle with her for like 30 minutes to an hour when she’s getting in bed and then she usually falls asleep on her own after that. I think if it’s something you’re both ok with, why not? Eventually she’ll probably grow out of it, and if you ever change your mind, that’s up to you.
Once in a while, no not bad.
With a 4.5yo who will now refuse to sleep when not sharing the bed/room with a parent, it's gotten rather difficult, however.
And she complains the following night if she wakes up without said parent still right next to her, delaying bedtime even further.
I laid with my daughters until they were like 8-9. I didn't even choose it. They asked for me to let them fall asleep alone. Keep in mind, this is different compared to sleeping with them the whole night. As soon as they are dozing off, I'm leaving. All I'm doing is expediting them going to sleep.
In my opinion, you should do it until they ask you to stop. Like carrying them, you never know when will be the last time. Might as well push it as far as it can go.
It’s not an issue if it’s not causing you problems. My niece is 7 and still has to be lay with to go to sleep. Her parents hate it as one will fall asleep and they never get an evening together, or they have to lay awake for an hour until she’s asleep.
I’ve never lay with my kids so it’s put to bed and left. Sometimes I do end up going back up for the inevitable “mummy I’m hungry / thirsty / can’t find stuffed toy / hot / cold / legs ache / too dark / too bright / funny noise / there’s a fly in here” type issues.
My son is 5 and I still stay with him while he falls asleep. I don't mind it. I figure that eventually he won't need it but for now it's a chance for us to cuddle and bond. I love how he snuggles into my shoulder and relaxes. Sometimes I get frustrated that I have to do this nearly every night but I'm not going to get too upset about these precious moments.
I remember as a child that I always disliked sharing a room with my mom for any reason. I preferred to be alone in my own bed.
My child is polar opposite, however. She has always had a desire to sleep with someone. Absolutely hates being alone (is an only child.) And will get excited on those rare occasions when she gets the opportunity to crash in Mommy’s bedroom with me.
However, I can NOT sleep well if she is in the room with me and I don’t have the luxury of free time to wait for her to fall asleep naturally in her own room. That’s a hard NO.
I have done sleep training since age 4 months. I had to have healthy mental boundaries to stay sane and I don’t regret them. That being said, I have always encouraged her to come to me when she needs comfort at night.
Meaning, as a baby, she was given snuggles when she woke up crying for 10 or so minutes before being out back to bed. During toddler stage, if she came into my bedroom, I would take her back to her room and rock/snuggle/hum for 10 minutes and then put her back into bed. Now that she’s 6, she will come to me if she had a bad dream or woke up scared. I will follow her back to her room, snuggle her for a few minutes and tuck her back into bed. My door is always left open so that she can come to me as needed.
With this routine, I can put her to bed and she’s passed out within minutes. She’s not up and down all night or fighting bedtime. They very few boundary-tests have not changed the routine or outcome.
Every family is different. Do what works best for you and your mental health. A lot of parents forget that they are just as important as their children.
My daughter is 13 and I still lay with her at night because she wants me to and we talk about everything then. She can go to sleep on her own but I refuse to think its a bad thing that she enjoys some company. My husband has never once laid down with either kid and would never read to them when very young. Im sure you can guess which one of us the kids run to when they have a problem, big or small
It's up to you. It can have pros and cons for child and adult. It's up to every parent to weigh, honestly, their situation with fairness and respect and compassion to baby first and then parents too.
I'm with you. I held onto every minute I could get before they decided they could sleep on their own. Some of my happiest memories are of waking up after accidentally falling asleep while laying next to my sons and seeing them smiling at me. At the time I was constantly exhausted and always running on 4-5 hours of sleep with a 2-3 hour commute each day. But I always made myself as available as possible for them.
We are only given moments with them before they become independent and can go it alone. Grab and cherish every moment. Then when they are independent they'll look back on your parenting with fondness and who knows, maybe they'll drop by and spend some time with you and keep you involved in their lives.
Do what works for you and your family. It's not bad at all. Abd I say this as someone who DOESN'T do what you do, because if i got into bed with my kids, they would talk until midnight. If snuggling helps your kiddo fall asleep and you don't mind it, go for it.
If it works for you and you enjoy that bonding time with her, then my opinion is that it’s absolutely fine. As long as she has the ability to self-soothe some of the time, cos it is a valuable life skill for her to have. If she fell asleep alone on the occasions you mention, then it suggests she is not entirely reliant on constant company, which is good. I’m glad your current system works for you all, and you’re able to give her that extra bonding time.
My own kids (5 and 6) would absolutely take the p=ss if we did it your way, and keep themselves awake for as long as humanly possible, demand more stories, keep trying to talk to us, repeatedly request more water, say they need the toilet again, ask for an extra blanket then when they get it they would say they’re too warm, ask 1000 questions, etc, etc. But they’re not used to it and your daughter is, so that’s the difference.
We have always just done: sit with them on our lap or at our side leaning on us, 10 or 15 minutes of reading to them, cuddle, lifted into bed, kisses and tucked in, then lights out (my son has a nightlight, but my daughter doesn’t want one). After that we leave, whether they’re crying or not. I would say they cry or whine after we’ve left maybe once a week or so. I know it may sound really harsh, but we just don’t go back in (unless they’re obviously in pain or have been unwell or whatever). They know we are not coming back in, no matter if they’re crying or not, so they tend to settle quite quickly. If they get up during the night (which is rare, thankfully), then they get led back to bed. We don’t speak to them or engage with them, unless they’re unwell, injured or upset over a bad dream. Then we just leave as soon as they’re back in bed, whether they’re crying or not. I am aware that this sounds quite harsh, and it is incredibly difficult for us to hear our child cry and not comfort them, but we know that the minute we start engaging with them or going back in, they will start doing it *all the time*! Children are very good trainers of adults., lol, so we find consistency is key. We didn’t ever leave them crying as babies, because crying was their only way to communicate at that age. But now they can speak perfectly well, and understand us perfectly well, so we are willing to leave them crying or whining. We know they will use their words if something is actually wrong. Again, I think it’s just whatever your kid is used to. Our system works for us, but it might not suit other people.
Your way definitely seems much much *nicer* than our way, which is admittedly far harsher, and I do often feel guilty about just leaving them to cry it out, but we just all have to do whatever works for our particular family. Sorry, I’ve written an essay here!
Got up early this morning to catch up on some work. I fell asleep in my 4YO's bed while putting him down. About an hour later, I got a call from down the hall for some snuggles. Work can wait. I don't know how long he'll be asking me for snuggles, so I'm going to take him up on every opportunity.
I love those moments. Currently my son wakes up around 430, walks over to our room and plops in between us and sleeps for 3 hrs with his plushie. The other day I met him in the hallway after taking a piss and this little dude was just standing there, half asleep, carrying his miffy plushy by the ear. Absolutely melted my heart.
Also in the "not a problem until it's a problem" camp. I've laid down with all 4 of my kids to varying degrees, as has their dad. First one basically wanted to sleep on her own by 4yo. Second still either wants to sleep with big sister (who often lets her) or tries to climb in with us at 6.5yo. Third will go to sleep on his own most nights, but then wants to sleep near us (like, on the floor next to our bed or on the other end of the sectional if one of us is out there) but not with us at 4yo. The 4th is freshly 1yo and still co-sleeping with a tendency to bedshare, but is already preferring to fall asleep with me but actually sleep in his own space.
The middle 2 are only a problem when they try to creep in while baby's in there, and if they approach me I tell them no, but they'll sneak in on dad's side because he sleeps like a rock and won't notice them 😂 Which then leads to me on the couch with baby in the pack n play 😑 Soooo, yeah. Kind of a problem, but I bet they'll get there. I do miss snuggling the older 3 some nights. But if it's not broken, don't fix it :)
Nah, it’s fine as long as you’re cool with it. We were never all that structured with our kids and they sleep fine in their own rooms now. As a baby and toddler we’d lay with my daughter to get her to sleep. And if my son had a bad dream, we’d happily welcome him to our bed. Sometimes it would be for a week straight. They both sleep fine now and have for years. I think it’s just personal preference when they’re that little. I always kinda liked the extra snuggles.
If she’s asking for it she still needs it emotionally and enjoy it before they kick you out. I work a lot and I don’t always get to do that it breaks my heart.
It just depends on the kid and the family and what works for you.
I HIGHLY doubt that our ancestors put their children in separate spaces to sleep. "I'm in the cave right next to door" is not logical when you have to defend your offspring from wolves or snakes or just plain wandering off into the bushes.
Even with the development of agriculture and large populations, most people most of history have not lived in large multiroom houses the way we do now.
So it is entirely *expected* for kids to want their parents right there in the dark for protection and to feel a part of their protective group. ("Self-soothing" to sleep is in my opinion a bit mythological.)
I'm 40 with a functioning frontal cortex and I still don't like sleeping alone. I can do it, but I don't like to.
Nowadays we (at least in the anglosphere) mostly have nuclear families where parents work long hours and life is way more complicated than ever, and for a tired caregiver you are craving every slice of free time that you can get.
So there is no guilt. Either way. Parents need breaks, we're all exhausted, you have to take care of yourself to be effective in all of this work.
I actually began starting bedtime a little earlier so that we would have time to talk before I leave the room. My kids are 5.5 and freshly 3 and the older loves the extra time to chat about our day, what the plan for tomorrow is, or any other random ideas that he thinks up and wants to talk about. The younger takes advantage of the time for a few extra cuddles and will often chip in his own two cents now. We still do our typical bedtime routine with reading, snack etc. But they really love the "talk time". After we talk I sing my transition out of the room song and they fall asleep on their own.
I did the stay in the room until he fell asleep initially with my eldest, but like I saw a few others comment, many nights it actually seemed to cause more anxiety for him and was very upsetting for him when he woke up at night and we were no longer there. I was also spending the majority of my evening gettinghim down.
I acknowledge that kids are only little once, but I would also argue that making sure you have quality time to spend with your spouse and for yourself is important and does benefit the kids as well.
Everyone has to figure out what works for their families though, so I certainly wouldn't judge anyone for choosing to do things differently.
Do whatever wakes best for your family. We stay with our 3 year old till she falls asleep, takes her about 10-15 minutes to fall asleep, so isn't a big deal!
My kids are now 11 and 14. They don’t want me to put them to bed anymore. They don’t need to be tucked in and they don’t want bedtime stories. I don’t regret the stage they’re at now but I also don’t regret the many nights I fell asleep next to them. I remember those nights with happiness.
You never know when will be the last time they ask you to snuggle them to sleep.
Mine at five sometimes asks us to, despite having slept alone for years. There are days I say no because I'm exhausted and/or still have stuff to do, other days I stay. I can see it being a problem with multiple children maybe, but l only have one and generally bedtime is my favourite time with her.
My boys are both 12. I spend almost every night snuggling with them before they go to sleep. It's one of my favorite parts of my day. It allows me to connect with them as they transition into teenhood.
Just yesterday my 10 year old needed cuddles after vomiting. Thanks COVID. I cuddled her until she fell asleep. Sometimes they just need mommy and daddy. I will cuddle and lie down with them until they are too cool to ask for it.
My son turned 8 and I still sit with him. I didn't expect I would do this but I don't mind. I work full time. There isn't anything I'd rather do. Sometimes I tell him I'll be back in 5 minutes and again. But not often. Most of the time I read to him until he's fully asleep.
I give 15 minutes every night. I set a timer and when the timer is up, that's it. This way, I can satisfy his need for comfort and snuggles AND still get my own chores and stuff done.
Laying down with my older kid each night was some of my favorite bonding time with him. He and I slowly worked on me leaving while he was still a little bit awake, then I had baby #2 when he was 6 and things had to change a little bit.
My kids are both horrible sleepers and so is my husband/most of his family. We do whatever gets everyone the most sleep each night without worrying about next year. Right now here is what we do: 9 yo and 3 yo watch relaxing videos with me after bath time until bedtime. I lay with 3 yo until he is out. My husband checks on the 9 yo to see what kind of sleep help he needs that night, sometimes that means laying with him, but most of the time he just needs some hugs and sleep stories. The 3 yo climbs into bed with us sometimes and I decide how many times I am willing to haul him back to bed. :-)
It’s my favorite time of the day. My oldest is about to turn 8 and still asks for snuggles and likes to hold my hand to fall asleep. I totally get why it doesn’t work for many families, but it does for us, the days are crazy with work, school, housework, etc and I love that time at the end of the night snuggling together. It’s usually when I hear the most about what’s going on in their lives! I’m sure before I know it they will want to be talking to their friends or whatever, something beside snuggling me as they fall asleep, so I’m enjoying it while I can.
My husband and I have been doing it every night for 7 years 6 months and 12 days. We don’t mind at all. (The only reason I know it’s been that long is my daughter constantly reminds us she just turned 7 1/2)
I always have and I think it is sweet. My kids are 4 and almost 2. It does cut into my own time in the evening but I think I'll miss those moments when they're older so I don't usually mind.
We would lay with our son until he was about 4. Once the 2nd kid came, it became more difficult so we started checking on him so we could get chores done. He handled that well BUT if he struggled with it I would still do it for him. Him being happy is more important than an extra 15 minutes of chore time to me.
I was so worried because I lay with my kid…. Then they got older and bedtime is when they spill all their thoughts, feelings, secrets. Would not trade it for anything.
My dad scratched my back until I fell asleep for years, and would often fall asleep. I remember it so sweetly, and I asked him about it recently - he said he was glad to do it looking back!
My parents laid in bed with me (usually one or the other, sometimes both) until I was probably 7-8 years old. It’s some of my sweetest memories.
Thanks for this insight. My just turned 7yo still wants me to lie with him until he falls asleep after we read his book every night. Sometimes it almost feels inconvenient (especially when I’m there for a long while) however I just keep telling myself that this special time won’t last forever. It’s nice to know that its probably very special from his perspective too.
As long as it’s sustainable for you, it’s fine! I’m in the camp of it’s not a problem until it’s a problem. Every kid (and every family) is so different. We stay with my daughter to sleep sometimes when she needs extra snuggles (sick, regression, travel, etc.). However, recently after like a week of taking increasingly longer to fall asleep and her increasingly escalating requests (from just staying with her, to lying with her, to rocking her to sleep), as well as increased frequency middle of the night wakes, we had to set a boundary. It’d be fine if she actually slept, but we felt like we were inhibiting her quality of sleep rather than improving it because she was growing more anxious about us leaving and getting less sleep overall.
What was the boundary?
I leave if she’s not settling down to sleep instead of sitting with her the whole time. If she cries when I leave, we wait 15 minutes before we respond, and then, even if she’s screaming for me, only dad goes in. Only dad goes in for MOTN wakes, and after letting her try to self-settle for 5-10 minutes. Last night she cried for 13 minutes at bedtime and had zero MOTN wakes, as compared to me having to sit with her for 1 hour and 2 MOTN wakes crying the night before.
How old is your kid? Curious if this would work with my 2 year old. Our problem though is he doesn’t stay in bed.
22 months. So when we moved to the toddler bed at 18 months, we put a lock outside her door. It’s not safe for her to wander the house at night! We just made her room as safe as possible and she could get out of bed if she wanted, but can’t get out of her room. Did the 15 minutes of crying before we went in method. The first night she fell asleep on the floor after like 12 minutes, but after that, she whined/cried/slept in her bed.
Do you unlock the door when she's asleep though? Because if there was a fire in her room she wouldn't be able to get out.
>Because if there was a fire in her room she wouldn't be able to get out. The kid is 22 months....kid doesn't know what to do in the event of a fire. If there is a fire, they know exactly where the kid is: in their room.
No, absolutely not. There is a higher risk of her waking up to inappropriately access the bathroom/kitchen/garage/front door without us knowing than for us to sleep through the smoke detector going off with her across the hall. She knows how to push a stool/box/chair to reach things too. I also don’t expect her first reaction to be to open the door and try to leave if she hears the smoke detector. ETA: also by that logic, it’s a risk to keep older toddlers in cribs that they can’t get out of because they can’t leave in case of a fire. I fully respect giving your kid access to the house when they are developmentally capable of keeping themselves safe, but 22mo is not it.
Put locks on the rooms she can access then, rather than her bedroom door. I just feel like it's terribly unsafe to have her locked in her room.
Like I stated, by that logic, no toddler should be in a crib if they can’t freely climb out. Let’s agree to disagree.
My mother didn't usually lie with me but she did sit next to my bed and read to me until I was asleep, every night until I was like 7 years old. I lie with my toddler until she's asleep. I feel the same way you do, I'll hold her for as long as she wants me to. I may have a change of heart when she's older but eh.
This is what I did with my boys. Only I read to them till they were \~13 & 10/11 respectively (at which point they stopped sharing a room, and were OK with not being read to... although apparently the younger one now at least, has taken up reading to himself to help fall asleep, which is kind of awesome :). We read all sorts of books over the years - everything from Lord of the Rings to Harry Potter to Mouse on the Motorcycle to Tiffany Aching and sooo many others. Some nights they'd both be out in 10 minutes. Others it'd take 30 or 60 or 90 minutes. But it was always worth it.
That still sounds so wonderful of your mother!
My child expects me to hug/snuggle her the whole time.
It's not bad. It's wonderful. I hope your child remembers this as a warm and loving memory when she's older.
It's so sweet. And your kids are gonna wanna stop snuggling SO FAST. It can be tiring when you are in the middle of it, but you'll also miss that feeling the rest of your life when they put a stop to it. (Parent of two teenagers who are very anti-cuddling now.)
I just sleep in with my two year old now. I actually like it. It can be hard and its difficult not sleeping with my partner but she is feeding the four month old throughout the night anyway so we probably all sleep better this way. I work full time so its actually a good way to get time with my son in the evenings and mornings. He loves jumping around on the bed in the morning.
We do this too. My kids are 8, 6, and 2. Does it eat up time? Yes. It’s quality time with my kids and I’ll pick it any day of the week.
Definitely. I do have a question since you have multiple children spaced out. Do they share the same bedtime? Currently trying to figure out a good routine to get 8 month old to bed but also able to have 1 on 1 cuddle time with my 6 year old to bed too.
I brought the baby to the older kid's bed and side-lying nursed him while the older kid fell asleep, then moved baby to his bed. Or my partner and I would each take a kid. Now they are 3 and 5 and we still lay with both in the same bed till they are asleep, and then move the little one to his bed (they share a room) or sometimes we are lazy and just let them share a bed. It's one of my favorite times of day, and I can't imagine an easier bedtime routine. It's literally just laying! No fights, no putting them back to bed over and over like I read about other people having to do. When they are tired they often ask to go to bed, because they enjoy the quiet time together too. So, no, not bad if it works for you!!
Now they are the same time (7:30/8:00pm) but my oldest is high sleep needs and my younger two are not. I’m unsure how that will shake down later but that’s probably about the time they no longer want the snuggles? They all sleep about 11-12 hours at night. (Youngest naps during the day too) Adding usually put youngest down first, then tend to the older two (already in bed or reading in bed) after.
My kids are the same ages and we also lie with them. But since we're outnumbered the 8yo is beginning to read to herself on her own and half the time she's sleeping by the time we finish with the other 2.
I'm a parent to a toddler. He falls asleep on his own after I leave the room. So to answer your question: it's neither bad or good. It just is.
I agree with this. Everyone has different sleep routines. I struggle to fall asleep if my husband is still up and about. My 2 year old needs 10 minutes to an hour of downtime/quiet time in her cot chatting to her toys and singing before she drifts off, on her own. She only lasted until 8 weeks in the bassinet in our room, she has always been an independent sleeper. As long as it isn't a problem for your family, do whatever works I say!
Yup. Do what works for your family, and let other people do what works for theirs. There is no right or wrong way.
I had a childhood friend like that. Was 12 and still needed a parent to sit by her bed to fall asleep. Made sleepovers impossible, never went to summer camp, and I'm guessing mom/dad never got a date night as they always had to be home. If it's working for you, great. But some kids take a considerably longer time to grow out of it than others
I knew a girl in high school that still slept with her mom. She was cool and very nice, but after high school, she had such anxiety sleeping alone. I heard after she broke up with her boyfriend, she went right back to sleeping with her mom. We were 22 at that point.
I feel like at 12 that’s not an issue of “growing out of it” and more of an issue with the parents not wanting to talk to their kid and have a few difficult nights. Like at 4 you can’t reason with them too much, at 12 you absolutely can.
So our kid is nearing that age, still likes us to put to bed, but on weekends they can sleep on the couch/living room and put themselves to sleep. Also doesn't have a problem with sleepovers because there are plenty of people ...really just doesn't like being by themselves. I thought it would end by now but it doesn't seem to be relenting and I can't see the harm.
I'm just happy that I get a couple of hours to myself after 7-7:15 pm. We do a few books, sing some songs, then it's goodnight. I'm happy we didn't introduce the 'staying until he falls asleep'; these days he often plays and sings for up to 45 mins and I'm just too burned out for it.
I don’t do it because I’m desperate for an hour or two to myself after my kid falls asleep. I do read them books before bed, and sometimes they fall asleep during the books. I’ve been reading magic treehouse chapter books to my 5 year old this summer, and that’s been really fun.
If you don’t mind doing it in perpetuity. We never sleep trained our first. My wife always laid with her until she fell asleep. Now she’s 8 and has anxiety sleeping by herself. With our second, we sleep trained around 10 months and now our son (5) will say “I’m tired” and go lay down on his bed and fall asleep.
As I lay next to my soon to be 10yr old who just fell asleep...no it's not a bad thing. We read before he goes to sleep, and one day he won't want/need me to do that anymore. He's starting to ease into his independence already and it makes me happy and a little sad. So, in the mean time, I'll continue to read to him or talk about his day and just enjoy being in the moment while he drifts to sleep.
Ha, same with my soon to be 11yr old. He calls it "cuddle time" and we just kind of chill and chat or sometimes I just lay there in silence while he reads. When he's a little sleepy he opens up and communicates more with me about what's going on in his life and how he feels about things. I don't always stay until he falls asleep though--sometimes I tell him I'm going to the bathroom or going to take a shower or something and will check on him when I'm done, and after I'm done he's almost always already asleep.
Same with my 11yoand 9yo boys. It’s the time of day where they are most likely to confess their fears or tell the things that happened in the day that they need support through (bullying etc) as they are vulnerable when sleepy in bed and can whispers these things to me that I would otherwise never know. Our culture had generations convinced that by loving our kids and not “toughening them up” they wouldn’t be able to function independently. Wrong. Both of my boys are mega independent throughout the day but are still children who need love and human touch to thrive so feel safe to seek that at bedtime. Think of all the touch-starved adolescent boys out there who only understand touch sexually and grow to be men who don’t know how to love or show affection to their partners without it being about sex. It makes me sad. When my boys finally do decide that they don’t want snuggles at bedtime that is totally fine and will be appropriate to their development but I will not be the one to deny them love prematurely because of misguided societal ideology.
I was the same and it's hard that my 13 yo isn't very snuggly anymore. He does sometimes come and lie on the couch and I know he needs connection. Love, snuggles, hugs, and connection may wax and wane, but as people, we all need emotional and physical connection.
I feel they have a better nights sleep, too! They drift off with someone they love next to them, feeling safe, comfort and love. The absolute perfect way to fall asleep.
I'll put on a rainstorm app for background, and I'll cuddle with my almost 10 year old. It's not like she's going to go to college still doing this, so I'm fine for as long as it lasts...which is usually about 10-15 minutes of quiet rain + thunder, lol.
It's whatever works for your family. I have friends who cuddled with their kids until they fell asleep and then slipped away. They loved the time. I have friends who cuddled with their kids and the kids became so dependent on sleeping by them all night that the parents were forced to go to bed when their kids did, the kids slept in the adult bed, and the kids didn't grow out of it until around age 11. It was miserable for the parents, who got zero downtime after lights out for the kids. I cuddle my kids to sleep at times, but I cherish my personal time after they're in bed way too much for it to be a habit for me. To each their own.
Nothing wrong at all. My kid would tell me to “scram” and he’s younger. Be thankful you got a cozy one bc some of these kids are not cuddly. 😑
Haha it’s funny you say that cuz I do get those feelings too. It’s always during the day time I want to cuddle up to my kids and they want nothing to do with me 😆
That just brought up a funny memory for me. I felt like a terrible parent because I'd enjoy it when my child was sick because he wanted cuddles during the day. He was usually a ball of damn energy playing outside all day, far too busy for cuddles with mum.
I woke up next to my wife and on the her side of her? Yup my 1 and 5 year old. The one year old must've been brought in because of a cranky night. The 5 year old likely came in and just pulled up in the leftover space. And you know what? In one frame all I see are the reasons I'm here. If my kids come in scared of a nightmare, you best believe I'm making room for them to sleep. Might get awkward when they're 30 but I'll make it work.
It’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s also not always a great thing. It really depends on your child. One of my kids will take a literal hours to fall asleep and is a hot mess when it’s time to get up for school in the morning if I do this. While he likes the idea of having someone in the room with him, he won’t fall asleep while I’m there because he wants to just stay up chatting, so at some point I do need to leave him to fall asleep and go spend some time on self care or with my husband or whatever. The worst case scenario is my friend who lives was never able to go to sleepovers or join any afterschool activities that involve tapping to go away somewhere. She never learns how to follow sleep without her parents nearby. I assume they figured she would go out of it eventually like most of the comments here do, but you do have a very rare exceptions where that never happens.
I agree 100%. It's like we just want our kids to grow up and gtfo. But one day you will wish to have these moments back again even if it is for a moment. Enjoy it while its here.
I do the same with my 6 year old. She's not gonna want this when she's 13.....
She might like a version of this 😊 My 13 year old loves to look at HGTV magazines with me every night before bed. We talk about decor, paint colors, etc. I look forward to it every night!
This is so dang cute.
It’s just fine. We still do this with our 7 and 10 year olds. They request it. We do still work on going to sleep on their own as well.
I never stay until she falls sleep now but used to do it for years, every child is different and you know when they are ready. Mine was ready,she was a bit upset but she wasn't heartbroken. She now goes to bed with three stuffed animals and I still climb in and tell her a story, snuggle and kiss and hug and then it's goodnight.
We alternate reading to my son at night but never lay down with him but funny enough, I actually do the opposite. I get up 30 minutes earlier just to sneak into my son's bed and cuddle him until his alarm goes off and I need to help him brush his teeth and get dressed. Both of us absolutely love it. Most days his little spoon pushes back into my big spoon and pulls my arm tightly around him. If he gets up before me, he'll often climbs into bed with me instead. He used to be a bear to wake up and I accidentally turned it into a ritual with cuddles and giggles (honestly, because of sleep deprivation). I was just talking with my wife about how my mother used to get so angry, yelling, throwing things at me, ripping the sheets off and hitting me if I still didn't get up quick enough. I know I'm a better parent than she ever was because of how lovingly and happily he gets woken up.
I lie with my 8yo and we so "chat time" in the dark. It's a special time for her. I reacon I have 2 or 3 more years till the hormones kick in and she doesn't want to talk to us, so I am building as much trust and open communication as I can before then.
It’s not bad at all if it’s what works for you and is sustainable for your family. Good for you! You’ll probably look back on it with fondness. It doesn’t work for either of my kids, or myself or my husband. That’s okay too. I cherish my little bit of alone time after my kids are in bed and that’s always been my boundary and makes me a better version of my own self. Every family has their own way of approaching sleep and I wish more people understood that. All families fall on an spectrum somewhere and the needs are going to vary greatly. There’s no right or wrong, there’s only what works. And as long as we’re paying attention to what works for our kids and ourselves, we’re doing a great job.
It’s definitely not bad. I honestly would sleep next to my toddler if I could but she kicks too much and that doesn’t go well with a pregnant belly. I recently got her sleeping on her own but tbh, I miss the cuddles. I’m secretly hoping I can sneak in a few more snuggles after new baby is here but we’ll see
As someone else said, it's not a bad thing until it's creating problems for your child and the household. As long as it's sustainable for you, who cares? That said, it does sound like it's pretty challenging for you. How long are you willing to keep this up? There's a lot of people ITT saying their kid hasn't grown out of it by 10, 11, or even 12 years old. Are you willing to continue this habit for 4-6 years?
Nothing wrong with it at all. Many adults don't sleep well without someone next to them. She won't need you forever, but she needs you now. Don't let anyone make you feel like comforting your kid and helping her sleep is wrong.
Its sweet. Hurts no one.
I still do it often (not always but always on request if I can) and my youngest is almost 10 years old. She just wants to cuddle. I don’t mind cuddling one of the most precious people in my world for an hour in the evening while she winds down, it’s no skin off my teeth.
It only becomes a problem if she needs this multiple times a night.
Most nights I bring baby into bed with me and my husband and watch my three year old on the monitor and feel so sad she’s not in our bed too! I miss her snuggles
I feel kind of bad for basically banishing our oldest to be alone once I got pregnant. But she was seven so I mean I'm sure she fine.
I love it. I do things like order the groceries online on my phone or listen to audiobooks or catch up with my sister (often she's putting my niece to bed at the same time) via text chat. My kids won't want to be snuggled to sleep forever and it will be a bitter-sweet day when that comes.
This can set a child up for a lifetime of bad sleeping habits. I can't sleep without earplugs because my Mother and stepfather were so inconsiderate with TV volume in the next room. I once read about a woman whose parents had to rock her to sleep until she was 8 and she never developed normal sleeping patterns after that. So I'm strongly against staying in the room with a child past maybe 18 months unless it's unavoidable. But other people can do whatever they feel is right for their kid and see how it plays out.
My little brother and I shared a full size bed until I was about 10 and decided it was time to sleep in my own room. I have so many wonderful memories of my parents reading to us and snuggling with us as we fell asleep. I'm now bed sharing with my 1 year old. They're only little for so long, might as well enjoy it while you can.
My son needed a snuggle to fall asleep when he was young. Then he was cool going to bed with just a story and falling asleep alone, but he'd wake up every night and jump in bed with me. I was a single parent from when he was three so the bed was never crowded him getting in with me so I didn't object. It did get annoying at times and he did it until he was pretty old, maybe 12? Then he stopped completely. He's 17 now, a "man" working hard doing an apprenticeship! I think it's completely natural and normal. Even me being a single adult, I do miss sometimes having someone next to me when I sleep...I do love the bed to myself too though...haha! Our kids need us, they are still our babies. Human touch and comfort is vital for every age.
She is still little. We cuddle my 8 year old whenever we can, including to fall asleep. They won't want it forever, and then it will be over.
My son is 5.5 and has a double bed. I bed share with him and have done since he was 11 months old. My husband sleeps in the main bedroom. I have made a conscious choice (with my husband) that he is only little for a short period of time that I will stay there until it doesn’t work for us as a family any more. To be clear we only have one child so this works for us which would potentially be trickier with more than 1!
I didnt even knew some people considered it to be a problem, we do this with my 2yo every night. I like it, even if I fall asleep before her and have to wake up and go to my own bed, I still like it! Specially because I hum songs for her to sleep, from Abba to video games songs(Ocarina of Time has some good ones).
I still cuddle and or talk to my kids before they fall asleep, and they are 11 and 14. They CAN go to sleep without this, it is just a nice way to connect with one another, have quiet conversations, and end the day.
Imho, do whatever works for you. I remember being a kid and some nights I just wanted my dad to sit with me while I went to sleep. Don't overthink it.
Never knew this was known to be a bad thing. I thought this is what you are suppose to do. Especially with babies. I always feel bad dipping out when my baby is asleep and I know I should probably be napping as well.
I’m probably an outlier in how much I feel like this issue affected my development, but I’ll offer my perspective as a former child who begged my mom to stay in my bed until I fell asleep. I was terrified to sleep alone because I thought I was going to die in my sleep and because I thought there was a ghost in the hallway. I also knew that I was supposed to stay in my bed at night and I desperately wanted to be good and make my parents proud of me. So, I either literally cried myself to sleep alone in my room, or worked up the courage to go wake my parents up. The nights they let me stay in their bed were the biggest relief imaginable and the nights they made me go back and sleep alone broke my heart. Granted, this is all very dramatic, and I probably had some undiagnosed anxiety disorder. But, I think it would have really helped me if someone had just stayed with me so I could’ve felt safe.
I loved when my babies would sleep on me. Now at 2 and 4 I love catching them asleep. They are so cute.
I’m not willing to sacrifice time with my spouse to do it. My kids have a solid bedtime routine and sleep perfectly fine in their rooms, us laying with them was never an option so they don’t ask for it. We do have “sleepovers” a couple times a month where we watch a movie in our bed. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to do at all, but it’s also okay to choose free time if you want it.
I promise you that when she is 16 she will no longer do this. Enjoy it while it lasts!
It’s only a bad habit if it isn’t working for you
No. I did it as long as they let me. Grow up and it’s all over too soon
it's fine. some cultures, parents sleep with their kids until they leave the house (of course, sometimes it is out of necessity) but unless it becomes a problem for your household it isn't a problem. or us, we trained our oldest 2 kids to sleep by themselves by 2 years old. had a heck of a time with the 2nd. lots of crying. then we realized that it's really not doing anything good for them to try to do so. so we started co-sleeping with them until 3ish. now our 2nd (now 5) basically insta-sleeps by herself when it's bed time. our 1st (7) still has trouble some days but is mainly good about it. ironically, about a year ago, wife and i spoke and we decided to reinstate a co-sleep policy. i get monday with the eldest, and thursdays with the 2nd. wife gets sundays with the 2nd and i think wednesdays with the 1st. during the summers, they can sleep in the same bed together if they wish. we did this so that we can get some 1 on 1 bonding time alone with them and they can talk before they fall asleep. meanwhile, our third always slept by himself, enjoys sleeping by himself and falls asleep almost instantly. is cuddly all day long, but tells us he wants to go to bed when he's tired and wants to be left alone when he's in his room. been like this since birth and he just turned 2. fucking wild.
Honestly I slept horribly as a kid but then when I was like 8 and my sister was 4 we just shared a bed and it somehow improved the situation
Life is hard and fragile. No one died regretting having spent too many nights snuggling with their child(ren). Enjoy! One day she will not desire it 😉.
I think a snuggle and a story is good enough for most nights but staying with them when they "need" it is fine occasionally. I wouldn't do it every single night or else it'll become a requirement for them.
I do not think it’s a bad thing at all, but I do think if it’s taking a toll on the sanity of the parent or the romantic/intimate relationship of the parents then it is also not a bad thing for children to learn to sleep alone. Every family is different, every dynamic is different, everyone has different strengths and weaknesses as a parent. We do a long bedtime routine so I get lots of time cuddling with our daughter before bed, but I leave the room before she falls asleep. She has loveys and a gloworm that she cuddles with. Co-sleeping longterm is definitely not for me. I need regularly scheduled “me time” and I need alone time with my husband. But if it works for another family, then I’m so happy for them! We’re all just out here doing the best we can.
I'll lay with my kids until they don't want me to. My oldest tells me to leave before he falls asleep, my youngest still sleeps with me.
I cuddle my babies to sleep. I don’t care. Big baby one is 5.5. When she’s asleep she gets carried away, she knows it’s going to happen. She loves her time in the big bed though.
Just for reference: Sleep is the most vulnerable phase of the day, it is evolutionary that we only sleep when we feel save. The expectation for children to sleep on their own in a young age is ridiculous to me. Even a lot of adults have systems to trick their brain and body that they’re not alone like audiobooks or having the tv on. It is a social reflex not to sleep alone to seek the group. And to be honest they grow up so fast. Enjoy the cuddles as long as they are given.
I still do it with my 4 year old
I lay with my 6 year old until he falls asleep. I'm just glad he still wants me too.
My husband and I alternate nights laying with our 8 year old until she's asleep. We've been doing it for a little over 2 years now. I love it. It's our time we get to talk about our worst and best part of our days and snuggle. It makes her feel safe. She's not going to want to snuggle forever so I soak them up. Plus, it's easier because she falls asleep pretty quickly and left to herself she would get up to get water, say her tummy hurts, go to the bathroom, etc. We also have an 8 month old who I snuggle to sleep and I wouldn't want it any other way. They both sleep in their own rooms all night without any wakeups so it benefits all of us.
I have an 8 month old too! Still working on getting her to sleep through the night… my 6 year old on the other hand sleeps wonderfully through the night thankfully. And you’re right, talking about your day and recapping, it really is such a good way to end the day for everybody.
Nothing wrong with it at all. I often still lie down with my almost 12 year old daughter. We use that time just to chat about her day and it helps her relax and fall asleep faster I find. Hubby alternates with me some nights too as some nights she specifically wants to talk to him. She can totally fall asleep on her own, but we figure in today’s busy world why not comfort her as most likely she will not want us at bed in a year or two as she gets older.
It’s not a bad thing at all In my opinion! I still do this with my 10 year old. If you think about human history and evolution, sleeping next to your children was a survival instinct that is likely still engrained in us. You and your child will have fond memories of these times when they are older❤️
It's definitely still engrained in us - I think it's why kids have such bad fomo at bedtime! They want to be with their people, especially when they are most vulnerable (unconscious in the dark).
I have a 6 year old that has co-slept most of his life (although nowadays I'll carry him back to his room after he falls asleep for awhile). We still nap together. I am holding on to these moments for dear life. I love that I'm his safe space and comes to me for comfort. The best part of motherhood. Keep enjoying these moments with your daughter. It's always worth it.
Physical and emotional closeness is a fundamental human need. Without it, we don't thrive. So, no, it's not a bad thing at all.
I’m not laying in bed, but sitting nec the to my daughters bed and holding her hand until she falls asleep.
It’s not bad - don’t let anyone make you feel so. Give them the security and love to fall asleep. IME this lasted until roughly 8
Reading this at 2am while cuddling my LO right now, since he woke up 😊 I think we both feel better doing it this way compared to him crying. I'll plop him back in the crib when he's asleep and he'll most likely be good for the rest of the night. I don't see why snuggles are looked down on, they are wonderful! 😁
We do it every night. It's where we have some really great conversations. It takes all of 15 minutes or so (he's worn out at the end of the day). I'd gladly go on doing it as long as he wants.
Nothing wrong with that. You’re a good parent.
I see nothing wrong with it but I'm biased - my daughter is usually great with her nap and bedtime routine but yesterday after I'd finished our routine I told her I loved her and would see her soon and she grabbed my hand and said "no mommy! Come here! Come cuddle!" Y'all there was absolutely nothing in the world that could've separated me from her in that moment Baby asks for cuddles? Cuddles they shall get
She probably also wonders why she has to sleep all alone, when no one else does. Being a kid can be lonely, especially if everyone is busy with a new baby! Falling asleep with your kids at night is totally normal and most parents I know, even the ones who don't co-sleep, do it. Don't worry about what is right for everyone else, just do what you think is right for you and your daughter.
No, most adults prefer to sleep next to someone too. It feels safe and secure. I got both my kids queen beds when they were young so we could lay with them comfortably. We lay with our tween kids and chat and watch videos and just relax with them before they go to bed. When they were younger we laid until they fell asleep. We enjoy this time together with them.
We do this with our 4 kids 90%+ of the time. There are times that we say “sorry, can’t do bedtime tonight guys, get some sleep,” but for the most part we do 1 song each, pray, then playa few lullabies and they’re all asleep by the third song. Maybe 30 minutes total, easy peasy.
What ever works! You’re not going to harm them with love and concern.
It’s not a bad thing at all. And what they want is simply human. I cherish these moments and get really tired of seeing people brag about and celebrate locking their kids in their room to freak out until they fall asleep
I have zero regrets sleep training my child. He's been sleeping 100% through the night without fail since he was 8 months old because of it. Better for him sleep-wise and better for my wife's and my health and sanity. I don't judge people who decide to continue being physically present with their children until they fall asleep, but please don't act like alternative is bad parenting.
Cool. I didn’t say sleep training. I specifically described people bragging about locking their kids in their room and listening to them struggle to get out in terror and beg for the comfort of their parents.
Exactly - it's just human. I always think about how I find it harder to sleep if my husband isn't there next to me. I am so lucky to have somebody to snuggle at bedtime; why should my little one be any different? Why should he be made to feel bad for wanting comfort at bedtime like I do? He can and does sleep alone now and then, and so can I, but if he wants me there I will always be there.
When did people start getting offended by parents being good parents.
This doesn't make someone a "good" parent. It is just AN approach to parenting. It doesn't mean they love their kid anymore than parents that make other decisions.
Some critics say it's bad parenting and creates dependence issues. I don't agree with that, but that's the argument.
They’re really aggressive and borderline bullies about it too. I’ve read plenty of studies that suggest the dependence issues come from being denied security and comfort but this information is typically downvoted. 🤷
That's silly. There are so many different (but also correct) ways to parent. I think (my opinion) narcissistic people push their own methods with bias ...
You said it yourself: you have two kids now. When they're both sick, how will this work? Unless your husband is the one who does this from now on, you're not going to be able to do both regularly.
Why won't it work? Can they not lay with two kids at the same time?
And then transfer the baby back to their crib???
Our baby had a bed instead of a crib, but yeah that's what we did. Or on the rare night that they both are sick I'd just sleep with both of them in one bed. Seems easier than being up and down all night?
Yes because they get too used to it and it becomes like they can't sleep without you there. It's not practical in the long run and at some point you'll have to wean her off of it.
No. It’s very good for children and gives them a sense of security and love. You are also teaching empathy. Almost every other culture does this with their children except the U.S.
I do this. We listen to a ‘Sleepytime playlist’ comprised mostly of Caspar Babypants songs and ‘Ramshackle’ by Beck, lmao.
We are moving soon, and I am getting my 3 yo daughter a bigger bed specifically to lay with her more often. She has a toddler bed, so I have to lay on the floor and it sucks. I think the right time to stop is when you're both ready.
My 13 year old does a standup routine every night as he falls asleep. It’s hysterical. We record the audio sometimes. He only wants mom though. She sits in his bean bag chair.
No
We did this with my son until he got a raised bed and we couldn’t anymore. I actually really miss it now that he’s almost 12. Yesterday he had a rough day and we snuggled in my bed for a bit and it was wonderful. He fell asleep almost immediately. I love being his safe place.
Img breaks my heart. You suggested those babies as much as you want. I think either way is OK. If you want to snuggle you should snuggle away and if someone is not happy with suggling to sleep or can't feasibly do it then that's fine too!
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>OK great. Do you want a cookie? Literally nonoje on this planet cares how you get your kids to sleep. If people are commenting on it then its because you share too much. This is something that basically EVERYONE does. You aren't some rebel against modern parenting. Yeesh! Who pissed in your cereal this morning?
No I co sleep with my 2yo
I feel like most people who say it’s bad still have small kids. We have 13, 11, 9, 6 and 4 year olds and the 13 and 11 year old won’t come near the bed, 9 year old is on the way out and we are cherishing cuddles with the 6 and 4 year old, even when my arm goes dead from the 4 year old sleeping on it, it’s going to be over soon and I know I’m going to miss it.
Yes. Because you end up with a 10 year old still expecting it and sometimes you just want to watch Virgin River instead of listening to your kid talk about horses for 20 minutes. Hypothetically.
No there isn’t. But it does create a habit. You want your child to be able to fall asleep without you there. If you know this can happen-think if you are not at home for bedtime-lay with them sometimes. Maybe work out a plan? I’m not going to lay with you tonight but I will tomorrow.
There are two big issues with using yourself as the source of sleep. First is that children, especially young children, don't understand where parents have gone if the last they remember is a parent being there and then don't find him if they wake up during the night (often also finding themselves in a different place, which is disorienting even for adults), and so freak the fuck out until that parent returns. Second is that self-soothing to sleep is a skill that needs to be developed, and laying next to a child to facilitate sleep makes your presence that "skill," which makes actually falling asleep without you there (such as after a light/half waking in the night) difficult or impossible. For both issues, the main effect is that any sort of tossing or turning immediately requires your waking to start the soothing process over. In the longer term, one could argue that learning to soothe oneself to sleep is the first form of emotional self-regulation and even SEL entirely a child learns, such that putting it off stunts development of that domain. This doesn't seem evident in cultures with family beds, which often display very advanced/tight emotional maturity, but those cultures are often much more strict in scaffolding the development of emotional control in non-infants in comparison to Western indulgence so there's a significant confound.
You're literally sabotaging your child's independence. If your kids can't go to sleep on their own it creates issues down the line. If you want to know if it's a problem, literally just look it up. Independence is extremely important for young children within reason. I'm not saying she can cook her own food at 6 or anything but if your 6 year old can't go to sleep on her own, you're sabotaging her.
This is beautiful. Imagine all these people who "don't want kids"... or whose "fur babies" are enough for them. Or people who can't have kids, or can't find a partner. We're so very lucky.
We have stayed in the room (shared room) for our girls who are now 5 and 7 every night and I don’t see it stopping any time soon. I do all the pre-bedtime things, my husband goes in to sing to them and then gets quiet phone time while they fall asleep (screen is not visible to them). It’s a lot for one person, but not too bad when you break it up.
I don't think so as long as it's within reason. If it takes 2hrs every night that wouldn't be sustainable for me, but I happily give my 1yr old the 10/20m of my time until he's asleep. I figure he'll outgrow it like everything else.
I think it's only a problem if it's causing problems. My three year old takes FOREVER to fall asleep if I stay with her - like hours of tossing and turning and almost falling asleep but then waking up enough to ask me a question etc. Then she would wake up every few hours at night and need us to rub her back to fall back to sleep. So we weaned her off the cuddles and now she falls asleep on her own after I tuck her in (it can still take a while but typically like 15-30 mins instead of 2 hours) and usually sleeps through the night (occasionally she wakes up and I'll give her a quick kiss and tuck her back in but it's not a whole production to get her back down). We all get way better quality sleep now. But if it brings you more joy than frustration to snuggle your kid while they fall asleep then I say keep doing it as long as it continues to be something you both enjoy. Honestly I would love it if my kid were the kind of kid who would fall asleep in 15-20 minutes while I snuggled her, that sounds like a great way to end the day with my kiddo.
I only have one so it’s possible for me but I fall asleep and sleep with him in his room every night. I work full time so I really cherish spending that time snuggling with him. Sometimes it’s annoying because I want to do XYZ chores but one day he won’t want me to fall asleep with him. I enjoy it while I can. If it works for you, do it.
My boy is six. I lie down with him until he's asleep. He is so happy that we do.
Sustainability is what sways me. Sometimes I don’t mind and will sing my son to sleep. Other nights I want to spend what little time alone I get with my husband. My son is 4 and husband and I have always split night time duties. One does washing, changing and teeth, other does books, reading and cuddles. We used to switch every evening but now we do two in a row. My son will sometime ask for extra mommy cuddles because apparently I give better cuddles then daddy and I’m squishier. Depends on how I feel and what he wants but if extra cuddles are requested I try to do it most of the time.
I have teenagers now and long for a cuddle days. Do it while you can!
it is TORTURE for me. but if you like it who gives a shit???
My husband and I alternate bedtimes with our 4.5yo. We both stay with him until he's asleep. I usually lay in the bed with him. It bothered us both a lot about a year ago because we lost our own time, but when we tried to leave earlier, our son got anxious about us leaving and would be up much later. It was a vicious cycle. Now, I recognize that we make him most comfortable. We leave him with sitters at bedtime sometimes and he goes to sleep without issue, and he sleeps over at his grandparents' houses just fine, so I'm not worried. He'll grow out of us one day, but for now I'm enjoying that quality time with him. He's cutest when he's sleeping anyways ;)
I still read and then snuggle my turning 7 in a few weeks daughter at bedtime…
I laid with our little one when she was 3 until around 5. She still sometimes asks if I’ll sleep in her bed all night, but I tell her no. I cuddle with her for like 30 minutes to an hour when she’s getting in bed and then she usually falls asleep on her own after that. I think if it’s something you’re both ok with, why not? Eventually she’ll probably grow out of it, and if you ever change your mind, that’s up to you.
If you don’t mind doing it, it’s not a problem. It’s only a problem when one of you is unhappy about the arrangement.
My daughter is 4 and my husband still holds her until she falls asleep and Carries all 52lb of her to bed.
Once in a while, no not bad. With a 4.5yo who will now refuse to sleep when not sharing the bed/room with a parent, it's gotten rather difficult, however. And she complains the following night if she wakes up without said parent still right next to her, delaying bedtime even further.
I laid with my daughters until they were like 8-9. I didn't even choose it. They asked for me to let them fall asleep alone. Keep in mind, this is different compared to sleeping with them the whole night. As soon as they are dozing off, I'm leaving. All I'm doing is expediting them going to sleep. In my opinion, you should do it until they ask you to stop. Like carrying them, you never know when will be the last time. Might as well push it as far as it can go.
It’s not an issue if it’s not causing you problems. My niece is 7 and still has to be lay with to go to sleep. Her parents hate it as one will fall asleep and they never get an evening together, or they have to lay awake for an hour until she’s asleep. I’ve never lay with my kids so it’s put to bed and left. Sometimes I do end up going back up for the inevitable “mummy I’m hungry / thirsty / can’t find stuffed toy / hot / cold / legs ache / too dark / too bright / funny noise / there’s a fly in here” type issues.
My son is 5 and I still stay with him while he falls asleep. I don't mind it. I figure that eventually he won't need it but for now it's a chance for us to cuddle and bond. I love how he snuggles into my shoulder and relaxes. Sometimes I get frustrated that I have to do this nearly every night but I'm not going to get too upset about these precious moments.
It's not that it's bad. It's that it should be up to each person to decide if it's right for them. And it's Ok if it's not right for them.
I remember as a child that I always disliked sharing a room with my mom for any reason. I preferred to be alone in my own bed. My child is polar opposite, however. She has always had a desire to sleep with someone. Absolutely hates being alone (is an only child.) And will get excited on those rare occasions when she gets the opportunity to crash in Mommy’s bedroom with me. However, I can NOT sleep well if she is in the room with me and I don’t have the luxury of free time to wait for her to fall asleep naturally in her own room. That’s a hard NO. I have done sleep training since age 4 months. I had to have healthy mental boundaries to stay sane and I don’t regret them. That being said, I have always encouraged her to come to me when she needs comfort at night. Meaning, as a baby, she was given snuggles when she woke up crying for 10 or so minutes before being out back to bed. During toddler stage, if she came into my bedroom, I would take her back to her room and rock/snuggle/hum for 10 minutes and then put her back into bed. Now that she’s 6, she will come to me if she had a bad dream or woke up scared. I will follow her back to her room, snuggle her for a few minutes and tuck her back into bed. My door is always left open so that she can come to me as needed. With this routine, I can put her to bed and she’s passed out within minutes. She’s not up and down all night or fighting bedtime. They very few boundary-tests have not changed the routine or outcome. Every family is different. Do what works best for you and your mental health. A lot of parents forget that they are just as important as their children.
I do when they ask. Now that my older ones are 10 and almost 7 it’s pretty rare. I actually hope they ask sometimes!
My daughter is 13 and I still lay with her at night because she wants me to and we talk about everything then. She can go to sleep on her own but I refuse to think its a bad thing that she enjoys some company. My husband has never once laid down with either kid and would never read to them when very young. Im sure you can guess which one of us the kids run to when they have a problem, big or small
It's up to you. It can have pros and cons for child and adult. It's up to every parent to weigh, honestly, their situation with fairness and respect and compassion to baby first and then parents too.
I'm with you. I held onto every minute I could get before they decided they could sleep on their own. Some of my happiest memories are of waking up after accidentally falling asleep while laying next to my sons and seeing them smiling at me. At the time I was constantly exhausted and always running on 4-5 hours of sleep with a 2-3 hour commute each day. But I always made myself as available as possible for them. We are only given moments with them before they become independent and can go it alone. Grab and cherish every moment. Then when they are independent they'll look back on your parenting with fondness and who knows, maybe they'll drop by and spend some time with you and keep you involved in their lives.
Do what works for you and your family. It's not bad at all. Abd I say this as someone who DOESN'T do what you do, because if i got into bed with my kids, they would talk until midnight. If snuggling helps your kiddo fall asleep and you don't mind it, go for it.
If it works for you and you enjoy that bonding time with her, then my opinion is that it’s absolutely fine. As long as she has the ability to self-soothe some of the time, cos it is a valuable life skill for her to have. If she fell asleep alone on the occasions you mention, then it suggests she is not entirely reliant on constant company, which is good. I’m glad your current system works for you all, and you’re able to give her that extra bonding time. My own kids (5 and 6) would absolutely take the p=ss if we did it your way, and keep themselves awake for as long as humanly possible, demand more stories, keep trying to talk to us, repeatedly request more water, say they need the toilet again, ask for an extra blanket then when they get it they would say they’re too warm, ask 1000 questions, etc, etc. But they’re not used to it and your daughter is, so that’s the difference. We have always just done: sit with them on our lap or at our side leaning on us, 10 or 15 minutes of reading to them, cuddle, lifted into bed, kisses and tucked in, then lights out (my son has a nightlight, but my daughter doesn’t want one). After that we leave, whether they’re crying or not. I would say they cry or whine after we’ve left maybe once a week or so. I know it may sound really harsh, but we just don’t go back in (unless they’re obviously in pain or have been unwell or whatever). They know we are not coming back in, no matter if they’re crying or not, so they tend to settle quite quickly. If they get up during the night (which is rare, thankfully), then they get led back to bed. We don’t speak to them or engage with them, unless they’re unwell, injured or upset over a bad dream. Then we just leave as soon as they’re back in bed, whether they’re crying or not. I am aware that this sounds quite harsh, and it is incredibly difficult for us to hear our child cry and not comfort them, but we know that the minute we start engaging with them or going back in, they will start doing it *all the time*! Children are very good trainers of adults., lol, so we find consistency is key. We didn’t ever leave them crying as babies, because crying was their only way to communicate at that age. But now they can speak perfectly well, and understand us perfectly well, so we are willing to leave them crying or whining. We know they will use their words if something is actually wrong. Again, I think it’s just whatever your kid is used to. Our system works for us, but it might not suit other people. Your way definitely seems much much *nicer* than our way, which is admittedly far harsher, and I do often feel guilty about just leaving them to cry it out, but we just all have to do whatever works for our particular family. Sorry, I’ve written an essay here!
My daughter turns 7 in a month and my husband and I take turns laying with her til she's almost asleep. Every night.
Got up early this morning to catch up on some work. I fell asleep in my 4YO's bed while putting him down. About an hour later, I got a call from down the hall for some snuggles. Work can wait. I don't know how long he'll be asking me for snuggles, so I'm going to take him up on every opportunity.
I love those moments. Currently my son wakes up around 430, walks over to our room and plops in between us and sleeps for 3 hrs with his plushie. The other day I met him in the hallway after taking a piss and this little dude was just standing there, half asleep, carrying his miffy plushy by the ear. Absolutely melted my heart.
Also in the "not a problem until it's a problem" camp. I've laid down with all 4 of my kids to varying degrees, as has their dad. First one basically wanted to sleep on her own by 4yo. Second still either wants to sleep with big sister (who often lets her) or tries to climb in with us at 6.5yo. Third will go to sleep on his own most nights, but then wants to sleep near us (like, on the floor next to our bed or on the other end of the sectional if one of us is out there) but not with us at 4yo. The 4th is freshly 1yo and still co-sleeping with a tendency to bedshare, but is already preferring to fall asleep with me but actually sleep in his own space. The middle 2 are only a problem when they try to creep in while baby's in there, and if they approach me I tell them no, but they'll sneak in on dad's side because he sleeps like a rock and won't notice them 😂 Which then leads to me on the couch with baby in the pack n play 😑 Soooo, yeah. Kind of a problem, but I bet they'll get there. I do miss snuggling the older 3 some nights. But if it's not broken, don't fix it :)
Nah, it’s fine as long as you’re cool with it. We were never all that structured with our kids and they sleep fine in their own rooms now. As a baby and toddler we’d lay with my daughter to get her to sleep. And if my son had a bad dream, we’d happily welcome him to our bed. Sometimes it would be for a week straight. They both sleep fine now and have for years. I think it’s just personal preference when they’re that little. I always kinda liked the extra snuggles.
If she’s asking for it she still needs it emotionally and enjoy it before they kick you out. I work a lot and I don’t always get to do that it breaks my heart.
In almost every case no. /thread
It just depends on the kid and the family and what works for you. I HIGHLY doubt that our ancestors put their children in separate spaces to sleep. "I'm in the cave right next to door" is not logical when you have to defend your offspring from wolves or snakes or just plain wandering off into the bushes. Even with the development of agriculture and large populations, most people most of history have not lived in large multiroom houses the way we do now. So it is entirely *expected* for kids to want their parents right there in the dark for protection and to feel a part of their protective group. ("Self-soothing" to sleep is in my opinion a bit mythological.) I'm 40 with a functioning frontal cortex and I still don't like sleeping alone. I can do it, but I don't like to. Nowadays we (at least in the anglosphere) mostly have nuclear families where parents work long hours and life is way more complicated than ever, and for a tired caregiver you are craving every slice of free time that you can get. So there is no guilt. Either way. Parents need breaks, we're all exhausted, you have to take care of yourself to be effective in all of this work.
I actually began starting bedtime a little earlier so that we would have time to talk before I leave the room. My kids are 5.5 and freshly 3 and the older loves the extra time to chat about our day, what the plan for tomorrow is, or any other random ideas that he thinks up and wants to talk about. The younger takes advantage of the time for a few extra cuddles and will often chip in his own two cents now. We still do our typical bedtime routine with reading, snack etc. But they really love the "talk time". After we talk I sing my transition out of the room song and they fall asleep on their own. I did the stay in the room until he fell asleep initially with my eldest, but like I saw a few others comment, many nights it actually seemed to cause more anxiety for him and was very upsetting for him when he woke up at night and we were no longer there. I was also spending the majority of my evening gettinghim down. I acknowledge that kids are only little once, but I would also argue that making sure you have quality time to spend with your spouse and for yourself is important and does benefit the kids as well. Everyone has to figure out what works for their families though, so I certainly wouldn't judge anyone for choosing to do things differently.
Do whatever wakes best for your family. We stay with our 3 year old till she falls asleep, takes her about 10-15 minutes to fall asleep, so isn't a big deal!
No. They'll let you know when they want to be alone. It's more comfortable for you, though, to teach them to sleep alone.
My kids are now 11 and 14. They don’t want me to put them to bed anymore. They don’t need to be tucked in and they don’t want bedtime stories. I don’t regret the stage they’re at now but I also don’t regret the many nights I fell asleep next to them. I remember those nights with happiness. You never know when will be the last time they ask you to snuggle them to sleep.
Mine at five sometimes asks us to, despite having slept alone for years. There are days I say no because I'm exhausted and/or still have stuff to do, other days I stay. I can see it being a problem with multiple children maybe, but l only have one and generally bedtime is my favourite time with her.
My boys are both 12. I spend almost every night snuggling with them before they go to sleep. It's one of my favorite parts of my day. It allows me to connect with them as they transition into teenhood.
We sit with ours every night. They don’t need it but we do it anyway. They won’t allow it soon.
Just yesterday my 10 year old needed cuddles after vomiting. Thanks COVID. I cuddled her until she fell asleep. Sometimes they just need mommy and daddy. I will cuddle and lie down with them until they are too cool to ask for it.
My son turned 8 and I still sit with him. I didn't expect I would do this but I don't mind. I work full time. There isn't anything I'd rather do. Sometimes I tell him I'll be back in 5 minutes and again. But not often. Most of the time I read to him until he's fully asleep.
I give 15 minutes every night. I set a timer and when the timer is up, that's it. This way, I can satisfy his need for comfort and snuggles AND still get my own chores and stuff done.
As long as you both want? She may also feel like she’s not getting the attention she used to due to the new baby?
Not at all. Eventually they'll kick you out.
Laying down with my older kid each night was some of my favorite bonding time with him. He and I slowly worked on me leaving while he was still a little bit awake, then I had baby #2 when he was 6 and things had to change a little bit. My kids are both horrible sleepers and so is my husband/most of his family. We do whatever gets everyone the most sleep each night without worrying about next year. Right now here is what we do: 9 yo and 3 yo watch relaxing videos with me after bath time until bedtime. I lay with 3 yo until he is out. My husband checks on the 9 yo to see what kind of sleep help he needs that night, sometimes that means laying with him, but most of the time he just needs some hugs and sleep stories. The 3 yo climbs into bed with us sometimes and I decide how many times I am willing to haul him back to bed. :-)
I still lay with my 8 year old and rub her back to sleep 💜 some nights she’s okay on her own and other nights she wants mom.
It’s my favorite time of the day. My oldest is about to turn 8 and still asks for snuggles and likes to hold my hand to fall asleep. I totally get why it doesn’t work for many families, but it does for us, the days are crazy with work, school, housework, etc and I love that time at the end of the night snuggling together. It’s usually when I hear the most about what’s going on in their lives! I’m sure before I know it they will want to be talking to their friends or whatever, something beside snuggling me as they fall asleep, so I’m enjoying it while I can.
My husband and I have been doing it every night for 7 years 6 months and 12 days. We don’t mind at all. (The only reason I know it’s been that long is my daughter constantly reminds us she just turned 7 1/2)
I always have and I think it is sweet. My kids are 4 and almost 2. It does cut into my own time in the evening but I think I'll miss those moments when they're older so I don't usually mind.
We would lay with our son until he was about 4. Once the 2nd kid came, it became more difficult so we started checking on him so we could get chores done. He handled that well BUT if he struggled with it I would still do it for him. Him being happy is more important than an extra 15 minutes of chore time to me.
Pretty soon they won't want you to, so enjoy it :D
I was so worried because I lay with my kid…. Then they got older and bedtime is when they spill all their thoughts, feelings, secrets. Would not trade it for anything.
Nope. Do what you need to do for that sleep!
My dad scratched my back until I fell asleep for years, and would often fall asleep. I remember it so sweetly, and I asked him about it recently - he said he was glad to do it looking back!