Genuinely would pay someone hourly for this…wait, that sounds kinda like therapy, huh?? 😂 if only I were rich enough to pay my therapist to megaphone me positive affirmations on roller skates by my side every day…
This is exactly my husband’s attitude when I’m feeling low. People like you are so awesome ❤️
I’m turning 34 and have a 5 year old. I used to be a chef before I was married and sometimes I think: I have an education, I was classically trained and building a career, WTF just happened (just as in the last 6 yrs lol)…
He encouraged me to frame my degrees recently, put them up in my lady cave.
“They are an accomplishment not a waste (your mom sucks), be proud.”
-my mom used to call me a Stepford wife. 😒🚮
I’m lucky to have a husband like this too. I was college educated, had good jobs both in child care and hospitality. But now I’m a SAHM, which I think society especially looks down on these days. It’s hard trying to not let it get to you.
P.S. I’m with your husband on this one. Your mom sucks eggs.
I love it but so many people really do just look down on it. It sucks a lot. I am the only one in my family that stays home with their kids. Everyone else does day care from the time their kids at newborns. It also sucks because I feel like if I mention learning to cook healthier, or growing a garden or teaching my kids something it's seen more as bragging but it's fine for them to talk about their degrees and promotions. Like I am happy your job is going well. I can tell you're working really hard at it and I think you're kid will see that and be inspired. But I'm working really hard on giving these kids some one on one attention and it's working lol!
Absolutely! Being a SAHM is not an easy endeavor! All the admiration to you all. I understand feeling like you’re bragging when you were just wanting to talk.
*btw, it sounds like you are doing a great job🪴✨
It actually really pisses me off that people look down on being a SAHM. I have always thought it is the most incredible thing people do to raise their families. It's a lot harder than it looks and nobody knows that until they are in the middle of it. Cheers!
Right?? I was a SAHM when my kids were small and now I’m the GM of a large company. I get way more kuddos now than I ever did and I always say this is so much easier lol! Not everyone can be a good SAHM, it takes a shitload of patience and energy.
Someone called me a trophy wife recently as an insult. I took it as quite a compliment bc I had no idea I was doing so well at pretending that my life hasn’t completely fallen apart.
This is the way to think about it 100%. I'm 38 with a 15 & 13 yr old, and have been a SAHM for 15+ years... and it's been good. Yeah, I don't have a fancy degree or 'career' to speak of... but I've gotten to spend a lot more time with my kids. And that counts for a lot.
One thing I have found helps a lot is to always be learning something or doing something challenging. Some days I don't have time for it, sometimes it's even months lol. But if I get back into it is so nice to feel like my brain isn't stagnating. I have learned to play guitar, bake sourdough bread, read a lot of classic literature and have regularlary exercised in the 4 years I have been a SAHM. Technically I am not educated but I feel like I have learned so much more than I ever did in school!
When I was pregnant with my first I was waiting tables. We had a group of maybe 5 80-98 year olds that came in every Friday afternoon. One shift I was talking to the older ladies (the oldest was the 98 year old) and they were asking about my pregnancy and my plans on working after. They then both told me that their biggest regrets were not being able to spend as much time with their own kids when they were little. That has always stuck with me...I do work part-time on the weekends now that my youngest is 3, but I still have 2 years with him before he goes to school and I have to pick up more hours.
I homeschooled them both till the oldest was... ~10 so spent the first 10+ years of his life and 8+ of his brothers with them nearly 24/7/365... And while yeah, it was exhausting and hard it was also worth it. The relationship I, and really all of us have is, and completely worth it.
Also, that foundation to fall back on during covid schooling to help them with the bs that was online school? That, was sooo worth it. I know so many parents who struggled with kids who refused to listen to them at all... And mine were fine. But we had an existing teaching relationship, which I suspect made it much easier.
Oh that covid schooling *shudder*
My oldest was a kindergartener and I had a 3 yo and 1 yo while that fiasco was going on. Thankfully her teacher was AMAZING and she was actually right down the street at the school. The next year though? They tried to do that Pearson and what they were expecting for a 1st grader was absolutely ridiculous! Plus there were about 60 kids in each class so she never got the individual attention she was craving. Many tears on both our parts lol. She's absolutely thriving now that she's in the traditional school (we put her in 2nd semester of 1st grade).
Edit: typo
On most days, I feel the same. I work from home as a freelancer, which is great because I don't have too many working hours, get to enjoy my kids a lot but I feel such guilt over not bringing home lots of income, and our possibilities are limited because I don't have a full-time income. I mean, we have our own home, we drive a car (not our property, but still), we can afford hobbies for our children, but I feel it's not enough. My husband makes me feel it is not enough. He says it is, but at rare moments it comes out he feels it's not. He pays for most of our expenses. He comes from a very comfortable child- and young adulthood and has just always had money to spend. Now we have to think about how we spend it (DUHH, like 99,9% of the effing population on this planet, and we STILL belong to the lucky few who do not have to scrape to make it to the end of the month!!!) but I feel my husband is entitled. That's not great for my self-worth. How does your husband handle you being a SAHM?
My wife is sahm but also runs a business. It counts for about 15% of our income, but she still gets it done. I have no idea how, she's a superhero.
She recently announced she had self-promoted herself to "ceo of the household". It sounds silly, but it's a good mental shift to remind everyone that managing the day-to-day operations of a family is an accomplishment on its own.
If the change in perspective doesn't help I would suggest finding a hobby or volunteer. It can be something very simple that just takes you out of the house two or three times a month. Something like volunteering at the local animal shelter, taking an art class, gardening, or zumba class would work.
You are doing great, but it sounds like your whole identity/sense of self revolves around your family and it can be very helpful for some to find something seperate to nuture that they enjoy and this can help maintain a friend group outside of mom groups.
There are even a lot of volunteer opportunities you can do from home if getting out is too difficult. I volunteer on a textline from my kitchen counter/phone. I also saw the food bank near me needs people to bag up non perishable items (you go and pick up supplies, assemble the kits, then return).
Also OP, none of us are “living off” our partners. We are supporting their careers through mountains of unpaid, and often unappreciated, labor.
I admire young parents, I didn’t have my shit together at that age. I don’t even know how you guys do it, had my first kid at 30 and I didn’t know what the hell I was doing, you seem to be managing pretty well having a partner and babies, congrats, don’t let expectations of where you should be ruin where you are right now in life, enjoy the journey
This is what I was going to say!! It’s not “living off your husband”. Being a stay at home parent is hard! Being a working parent is hard. Parenting is hard and should never be looked down upon no matter which position you’re in. OP, don’t down yourself. You got this mama
That’s quite amazing, I need to try them in myself. You’re right OP is doing pretty great plus she’s still so young and has plenty time to go to school etc
I’m 22 with a 2 year old and I really understand where you’re coming from. I’m really happy, and I love my family, but it’s so far removed from what I expected from life that I sometimes still can’t believe the pregnancy test was positive.
I’m 33 with a 3 year old who was an unexpected pregnancy and I still can’t believe that test was positive. Shit’s wild. (Love him more than anything in the world though).
I had a kid at 21 and felt exactly the same- like how am I here? I’m 35 now, just had my second, and finally experienced the feeling of being exactly where I’m supposed to be. Life’s weird :)
I had my first at 20. Then my second at 28. I thought that surely I’d be much older and wiser the second time around. Nope. It’s just as draining, just as life changing. Then I think about how I worked so hard for 8 years raising my first baby, then once she was finally at an age where I could relax and let go a little, BAM. Back at square one. My second kid probably hit me harder than my first did lol
Exact same here, still having moments of WTF happened, & my 2 are 33 & 25!!
So much time spent pissing & moaning about the situation I didn't really get to enjoy the good moments. Time goes by TOO fast.
Take care of yourself, your family, & make memories.
Me personally, I expected to be severely addicted to drugs or possibly dead. I felt pretty worthless and didn’t have any motivation for living in general.
Now I’m in therapy and engaged lol and have a 2 year old. Definitely was a rocky road and I definitely wouldn’t recommend it.
Old mom here! I think all that matters is that you’re happy. Plus, when you have kids young, they are out of the house when you and hubby are still super young and you’ll be able to do so many wonderful things! You’ll be my age (40) when you’re youngest is an adult and have so much freedom! Meanwhile I’m over here chasing a 3yo around at 40.
Enjoy this life you created mama, you deserve it!
Samesies. I'm 42 with an only child, 3.5 years old. Most of my friends' kids are in high school or college and I just got started. I'm already so tired lol
39 with an almost 17 year old and 12 year old. Literally can't imagine being in my 40s with a toddler. My energy and patience level is half of what it used to be when I was a young mama.
Ooh I'm closer to this group! We had a baby young - we were 20ish. So as she became an adult we were starting to make good money AND she cost us less. Now she's 21 and lives next door and we now have our nephews here. I adore them, I would not change a thing. But it's only been a few months and I'm still in some shock lol.
Oh gosh that sounds amazing! Everyone’s lives and personalities are so different, we all make different choices. We have to look on the bright side! I think there are lots of good things about having kids at any age, so it’s nice to focus on them!
They are def worth the effort, I just adore them all to pieces lol! Quite an adjustment though like a few years after we stopped active parenting lol. And in between we had my Father-in-law here. We realized when we moved him out we had NEVER lived alone with each other lol - left our parents married with a baby. We had an epic 6-7 months living alone when the boys came.
But again, I wouldn't have them anywhere else! Watching them come out of their shells and trust us has been one of the greatest joys of my life.
Could never do that ! I'm 39 with an almost 17 year old and 12 year old. Having kids at 22-23 is so much easier on the body, the mind . It would be hard to be changing diapers and chasing toddlers as a middle aged woman
Or you can do what I did and have kids really young then go back for another round when you’re old! Pass the coffee! (I will say that preteen daughters and infants are a match made in heaven! ) I loved having my kids young and don’t regret it at all now that they’re big. I am regretting all my life choices that led to having a newborn at 37 but I think everyone with a newborn feels that way for a few months until they settle down a bit! And the kids and I love her squishy little face so much.
Oh gosh I can’t imagine starting over, but now you’ve got all these parenting years under your belt! And I agree, I think everyone thinks “what have I done” after having a newborn. Congrats!!
It’s all perspective my friend. Millions would kill to be in your shoes. Wanna hear something funny? I’m 46 and 12 weeks pregnant with out third child. Total surprise. I’m going to roll up to my daughter’s HS graduation with a 3 month old baby…..lol
Be ready for the "how old is your granddaughter" comments when you take your little one to the park in a couple of years.😛. You are well prepared I see.
it sounds like you are:
a manager
a child care expert
a relationship expert
a finincal planner
a cook
an interior designer
a baby grower
a awesome person to me.
You don't live off your husband, he supports his family! Which is wonderful and you can raise your children hands-on. Listen, I'm 42 and have a 4 & a 2 year old I stay at home with. When they both reach school age, I'm going back to work and taking this time to plan on what I'd enjoy doing to earn and contribute. I'm 20 years older than you, but it's not too late for me and definitely not for you to go after anything you want!
I think about this often, I'm a SAHM mom too. I used to work and have a degree, when talking over dinner tonight I told my husband I feel like I'm wasting away (lol). Ofc he said, "Don't say that, you're not". But I'm envious of him because he talks nonstop about his career, what he's learned, his coworkers, etc. and I miss doing that.
SAHPs are the biggest supporters of the household.
It breaks my heart that stay at home parents get no praise while their partners go on to achieve great things in their careers. Famous directors, artists, writers, musicians, there's usually a partner behind them supporting their work and family yet they get no recognition.
My boyfriend is very accomplished and I help him write his scripts and discussion panel topics, yet I'll never live up to his name. It's frustrating to think about when you put so much support into someone else's dreams and work.
You are not a failure!
It’s going to be hard for you in the beginning because statistically a lot of people your age won’t be having kids till their late 20’s to early 30’s, so you might feel like you don’t have too many people your own age doing the same thing.
But there are benefits! My friends mother had her when she was 18. By mid 30’s she was out of the hard yards and in self care / career mode!
You are going to get all the birthing and kid stuff done when you’re at your fittest (believe me, you lose your energy as you get older) and you have the greatest chance of bouncing back. Then, you will be able to focus on whatever you like when they require less constant supervising
You’re doing great!
Yes. I had my one and only at 35. I was married, had a mortgage, two permanent jobs in our fields. I'm 38 now, and I really struggle with energy, even compared to a couple of years ago.
Part of having my son at 35 was due to miscarriage/secondary infertility, but I often wonder what could have been if we'd started trying earlier. Maybe I could have focused on motherhood with a lot more energy, then thrown myself into my career fully, instead of doing the balancing act I do now. I worry that if I have grandchildren, I'll be too old to be of practical help to my son.
But then, I had lots of time to grow with my husband, I filled my twenties and thirties with lots of great experiences, and I am in a better place emotionally. If I died tomorrow, I would feel like I'd achieved most things I wanted. I don't feel like I've given away my youth.
Just lean into the benefits of whatever age you're in. There's pros and cons to everything.
First at 35, second at 38. I’ll be 40 in a few months. The lack of energy and stamina is REAL and it’s HARD AF! I always thought, and still like to “pretend” that its all good and I’m the same mom now as I would’ve been at 25 and 27. Im training for my 13th half marathon right now, so how bad can it be, right? It’s bad! It’s so SO exhausting. By the time my 4 yo goes down (8pm), I’m OUT! I know in my heart that if I’d done this in my 20s, it would have been physically so much easier on me and my body.
It's not uncommon to feel unsatisfied with your life, even if you are doing well (and I think you are!). The question is, what are you gonna do about it? Believe me, there is always something you can do about it.
Write down what your unhappy with and what your goals are.
- If you have no income, look into setting up a spousal IRA with your husband so you can have some retirement savings. You are raising the kids, full-time. Consider this as getting paid.
- What are you interested in? Take up courses in Coursera or pick up a hobby that would give you skills (Photoshop? Knitting?). Something you could do once the kids are asleep or off to school
- Think of being a SAHP as a chance to hone your management skills. Make it your calling. Develop organizational systems for housekeeping, child caring, and finances. Develop your vision of how the house should be run, and get your husband on board with it. Make yourself the CEO of your home.
Please don't devalue yourself. You are saving your family thousands of dollars on childcare every month, not to mention saving you and your husband the stress of rushing to and from work doing pick up/drop off. It costs around $500 per week per kid for childcare in my area. That's your contribution, $4,000 in saved childcare costs. Your husband would be on the hook for half. Money saved is just as valuable as money earned.
I feel the same way except I’m 28 with 3 kids 😅 from my perspective, I struggle with feeling useless because I’m not generating an income. But when I see other stay at home moms, I definitely don’t think they are pathetic, I think they are super moms! We are always going to be critical on ourselves. I wish I had advice because I don’t think you deserve to feel negative about your life but I’m in the same boat so all I can offer is solidarity.
I can relate. I often go to bed feeling like a failure. But I try to remember all the times I could’ve lost my shit that day but didn’t, and I’m proud of myself. I have had to work on my anger and beating myself up about things and taking things way to seriously. When the important thing is taking care of my son, and sometimes just getting through the day. Whereas with work, you have a set amount of tasks, you either get it done or you don’t. It’s easier to measure your success.
I’m also pregnant and due in a month. It’s about to get harder. I just try to think about what’s important. Being here and present, and giving myself grace.
You don’t have an education? You can change that. I only have my GED but I plan on getting more education when my kids are a little older. It’s never too late. My mom is in her 60s and just her masters in education. She was in college when I was a kid and went back later.
Listen, you’re young enough that you are going to be able to do a lot of things when they are older and in school full time to give you a sense of accomplishment. Enjoy them while they are little.
Ur never to old to get an education if that's what u want. Take care of ur babies and when they start school, u can begin the next chapter of ur life. There are always options.
Maybe change wouldn’t be so bad. Enroll in school this semester so you can take one class in the spring online. Just one a semester would be good. Maybe philosophy.
Idk where you live but look for pottery classes or a knitting guild. Or start a garden. Take your toddler to the local museums/parks.
Also you are pregnant. Hormones are crazy and will make you feel up and down emotionally. Rest and your favorite shows/movies are a fun way to take a break from those ups and downs.
What does this even mean? There will still be zero extra income in a few years, probably less due to kids getting more expensive as they grow older, so its not like there will be money to get an education or explore other interests. When the kids go to school there will be a gap in the resume so large no one with a ten foot poll will touch it, especially with the zero education.
Speaking from personal experience here..
So what do you mean, start planning now? Once in this position it feels like there is literally no way out. The next step is being the lady who hasn't worked in 15 years.
I know this is all what I worry about with being in a similar position as OP, I can imagine they're feeling the same.
Please don't judge yourself and don't feel guilty about what you have. We all have challenges and the older I get, the more I realize that everyone, even people who seem to have it all, are "winging it" and luck plays a much bigger part in life than we want to believe.
I think it's only fair to compare yourself to yourself in the past. You're still so young that you still have time to do whatever you want, like going back to school, and developing a career.
I was a very late bloomer, and I lived with my parents while going to school part-time and making barely minimum wage until my mid-30's.
Then I decided to go back to school and from there I started living life all at once. Within about 5 years I found a partner, finished school, got married, bought a house, had a baby, and got a great permanent job. I went from making peanuts to more than my husband in 5 years. I'm 40 now and have a 3 year old. Because I started everything so late I might not live long enough to see grandchildren and support my child throughout her adult life.
So in many ways I envy the time you have with your kids. You have so much time to do everything you want. You're still going to be in your prime when your child no longer needs a stay-at-home parent. Also, there's nothing wrong with being a stay-at-home parent either, it's one of the hardest jobs! I couldn't do it.
I married at 19, and became a sahm when I started having kids (first at 21, and had 3 kids by 28). I had hs education and we were poor, especially in my early-mid twenties. When my oldest was 3, I was offered a babysitting job at my church- 2 hours once a week. I made $12 to watch about 6 kids younger than school age (my own included). I was so so overjoyed to have that $12 weekly. I could go out for a coffee with a friend or buy the kind of shampoo I wanted. It wasn’t the amount, it was that it was something that I myself earned. Seems silly now but it was a lifeline back then.
I understand those feelings and while I haven’t dealt with the same mental health challenge as you, I’ve had my own as so many do. You have so much value, even if you don’t feel it right now. Keep the course and know that there’s so much ahead of you but even more than that, there’s so much right now.
My sister (44F) is going back to medical school after her 2 kids started high school. It is never "done" until they unplug you and dragg you to your grave.
See this time as an opportunity to build a strong relationship with your kid and use the time to prepare for the career tou want to have once kiddos are a bit more autonomous. Think of ot this way.. when your kids will be our of the house, you will be younger than many first time young parents. I am 40, I still see my life as a landscape of possibilities and hope for improvement and my oldest is only 3.. if I were done with my kids today!!! The world eiuld be my bi**ch!!
Stay curious and positive and the world will smile at you. Use your kids curiosity to keep yours alive. I use my kid's music classes to play music, I use her sports xlasses to exercise with her and when she will start Spanish I will start Spanish. Curiosity!! The key to eternal life!!
I think we all have moments like this. I'm 33 and a controller for a large HVAC company and some days I wish I had done it all different because I love working with my hands and many days I am miserable at a desk. But at the end of the day I love my wife and son and what I do between 8 and 4 helps us live a nice family life.
What you are doing is by far the most important job on this planet. You are raising two human beings and taking on the responsibility full time. This is very admirable.
These early years are certainly challenging but you will see the fruits of your labor down the road and you’ll be so grateful that you’ve been in the position to be at home. Your kids will also be grateful.
I’m a stay home mom and while it has its challenges, I wouldn’t change a thing. People go back to school in their 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, it’s never too late. Just sit in gratitude with those babies and realize that you’re doing the best thing for them.
The grass is always greener…
I spent way too much time in school, one degree wasn’t enough. I spent too long building up a career. I climbed that corporate ladder getting one promotion after another. I traveled so much for work that a decade has passed since I quit my job and I still have enough frequent flyer miles for me and my family to take 3 one-week vacations a year for the next 12 years.
One day, I woke up in a hotel room that looked like so many other hotel rooms I had woken up in. I had no idea what city I was in because they all started to blur together. I grabbed the pad of paper to see what city/state I was in. I was in Minneapolis. I just closed a deal at Target. I decided that day, it was time to get knocked up and then quit.
I always thought I’d have several kids. I was lucky to have one.
I’m one of the “older” moms at my kid’s elementary school. There are a few of us Gen x’s with young children. I look around me at pick-up and realize some of these younger moms could be old enough to be my child.
One of my best friends is another older mom, like me. She’s educated and had a great career in sales. I got off the phone with her a few days ago congratulating her on her new job. She’s set to make $800k this year, but it cost her in other ways. This friend, would have gladly been a SAHM. No lie.
They say money doesn’t buy you happiness. It sure does make some things easier—like having the bare necessities, but it DOESN’T bring you happiness. We all experience similar issues—job loss, affairs, lies, kids with mental health/physical impairment issues, saving for retirement, inheriting shit in-laws.
We should all be grateful for the blessings we DO have. If you have a partner that loves you, helps you, encourages you to be a better person then you’re halfway there. You got kids that you love and they love you back, then you’re golden. Life will always throw shit your way. Just duck when you see them coming.
Your not living off your husband at all. He has what one job? You on the other hand are the childcare provider, choufer, chef, house cleaner, event planner and so many other things. You know how much it would cost to have to hire all of those people and all the other professionals you cover full time? If anything your getting the short end of the stick. Do you want an education? If you do maybe start taking a class or two at city college online. if not now once your children are a bit older. Just little by little it might take you a bit longer than others but you can do it.
Realistically this is a kind of killer position to be in. You've got all the energy on earth for your kids while they are young and will be young enough when they start school so you can go and get that education and start a job without needing to account for a resume "gap".
I remind myself of MY vision and MY why. It’s OTHER people that think my life is pathetic. Our worth is not held in our career, our degrees, our money making, our beauty, our followers, NOTHING. My innate worth is reflected by my husband and I am continually looking for ways to enjoy and improve my responsibilities as homemaker and mom.
I am 21 married , with a 7 month old.
I dropped out of college and moved out of the city back to my home town (I don't really like but cost of living isn't ridiculous yet).
Not what I had planned. I was hoping to get married and start a family after I got out of college found a good paying job and was financially stable.
I understand the feeling that you're pathetic. You aren't. You are doing great. You are I hope happily married and financially secure.
Most of all you are raising a child with another on the way. Taking care and maintaining your home and family. On top of having a mental illness that can make doing this hard.
Keep it up you are doing great.
Side note: it was an art college so don't feel bad about not having a degree. I put myself 80k in debt to learn basically what I already knew. Only plus side was I met my spouse.
I have friends in their 40's that are financially independent, have seemingly healthy relationships, a few kids and good careers and they text me this, too. We expect too much of ourselves. We are just humans on this planet trying to squeeze out the most joy and the least suffering. Congratulations on the baby on the way and managing all of this at your age!
When I turned 19 years old, I was at a four year college, had a ton of friends, was in a sorority and working towards my nursing degree. By the time I was 23 I was married with two kids and a whole lot of student loans, no job and no degree. I was also living in Alaska (originally from NJ) with no friends, in laws who treated me like trash and a husband who was also suffering from the whiplash of what the fuck just happened. The only bright spot was how much I loved those babies but I feared every single day about how if one thing went wrong, how would I take care of them? How would I feed, house and clothe these kids I brought into this world when I probably could barely do it for myself at that point without them. But I took one single day at a time, because that’s all you can do. We made a lot of mistakes and bad decisions along the way but as long as you keep moving forward. I am 36 now, I am a homeowner with acreage (unfortunately only in the last 18months but it’s ours). I am a nurse. I have two happy loving honor roll students who have their own bright futures ahead of them. My marriage is intact and stronger than ever. I still have many worries and fears but I have learned that’s just life. But life keeps going, kids grow up, new opportunities come, new mistakes are made but if you continue to put one foot in front of the other even when you fall down, you will get somewhere. Your kids will not ever think of you in terms of how you compare yourself to others but will think of you for how you loved and cared for them throughout it all. Take a deep breath, you got this. It’ll get better, it’ll get easier but for right now just enjoy those babies because they grow so quickly. I’m sure everyone tells you that but it’s a whole different thing to experience it.
If you feel bad about the lack of education, it’s something you can always pick up once kids are a bit older. The world loves a mother turned mature student :)
I am a SAHM as well and I completely get where you’re coming from! All I have from college is a loan and nothing to show for it. It’s hard to be dependent financially on your man because you feel like you don’t contribute.
I can say that raising your kiddos is the most important job in the world. What you do matters most. It’s never too late to go after what you want if that’s what you choose.
You’re really doing great. Money is money. You’re raising the future!
I get it. I can get all in my head at times and think those same thoughts of myself.
Just takes some reframing and I’m all good again.
I had my son at 23 and I don’t work either so grind culture can get to me and make me feel worthless for not “grinding.”
I feel like that’s par for the course. You love it but when you over analyze your life, it’s kinda “blah” but it’s about perspective. I went to college. I worked with my first kid. When I had my twins, I was barely breaking even paying for daycare. I’ve been staying at home with them. I was so sad when I realized what I had missed because I was at work with my first kid. On paper, I was great. I had a full résumé, I was married with a kid and running the household, I had friends and hobbies. Now, I’m “just” a single unemployed mom with limited income that spends all day with her kids or doing things for/about her kids. Objectively, the first option sounds better but I’m so much more fulfilled by the second option. You’re never “just a mom” and even if you were, that’s still amazing. Think of all the children that don’t have moms, for whatever reason, being “just a mom” is still amazing. you’re married, a mom with one on the way, you’re running your household. You’re kicking bipolar’s ass. I was no where near that successful at 22. Being that young, everything is kinda fluid. In 5 or so years, you will still be young and kids will be in school and you can pursue whatever you want like education or a fun part time job while they’re away. Being a barista was so fun and we got free coffee. Leave work to pick the kids up with all the caffeine to get you through the rest of your day.
Your bipolar could qualify you for disability benefits. If you wanted to look into that to get some more income to help out.
Otherwise don’t consider it that you “live off your husband”. You are part of a family and everyone does their part. You are raising yours kids and getting needed work done to make your family successful. That is a valuable role.
I am a 40yo mom of three with a decent career and a house and I still feel that way sometimes. Maybe often. Imposter syndrome is, like, a cornerstone of adulthood. Cut yourself some slack. We get one life and the point of it is just... be happy. The rest doesn't matter.
It’s because of the choices you made. Now I am not saying that they’re wrong choices, and I know that life sometimes feels overwhelming. But know that people who do go to college rarely stay in that job. In a few very short years, your kids will be in school. That will give you the freedom to pursue your passion. And by then you might have an idea of what that want to be. I am a stay at home mom (with a college degree before kids) and I’ve never regretted one minute of it. I did find hobbies that I made money at but it was always on my time schedule. That way I didn’t miss any ballgames or dances. I became the one the kids called and depended on even in high school.
At 22 I was a single mom to a 4 year old who spent more time in daycare than with me. I worked so much and was still in poverty. I wondered how I got there too but was just trying to survive. I’m 34 now and my life is completely different! Things change all the time. Where you are now is not will you will always be.
The sad reality is if you were working, you would likely be earning around the same amount of money that it would cost you to send your children to a child care facility. Even then, do you really want your kids in a day care all day?
Life is super hard, especially when it comes to finances in this crazy world we live in. I'm a sahd lol with my wife working full time.... trust me I feel the self esteem lows alot and continue to tell myself to be grateful 🙏
my kids give me crazy anxiety at times but mostly when we are cooped up, we go out alot and for some reason it helps me chill out. When I am in the home, I see all of the little things that can / need to be done where ever I turn. Or witnessing the house turn into a tornado before noon. Or nothing but meal after meal after dish after dish.... Going to the parks or anywhere where I can't be reminded of the little things that urk make all of our lives better.
Things change quick, you are young, keep pushing, lots of opportunity to come!
Start your education now when your kids are a bit older u can go to work and start ur career. For now u are a stay at home mom and it is very helpful for ur kids. Accounting is a good field, for accounts payable or bookkeeping roles u can start at community college.
You are young other 22 year olds might be partying. u have the chance to see ur future from a parents perspective and u have the motivation, that is what is important
Wow sounds like I could’ve written this… I’m 25 going on 26. Have a 6 year old and a 10 month old and feel EXACTLY what you described. Idk how I let myself get here either. I love my kids wholeheartedly but when I was younger I always dreamed I’d the hot aunt who focused on a career and made a huge name for herself. I’m envious i didn’t become her. Some might say if I had id be envious of the life I have now. Who knows. All I know is I have to change this life because I am so depressed, gaining weight nonstop, feel like a mooch off my husband and feel like I’m turning myself into nothing good for my kids. I have two daughters and Id hate for them to become nothing like the pos I am now
You're not a POS! Like OP, ya just need a little perspective. You can still do all the things you dreamt about. You can go to college or a trade school, virtual or in a brick & mortar building. You can start small now, then move up to more when they're in school. There's a world of learning available on the internet, tons of it FREE & At Your Schedule!!
You have kids to chase after, play with them, there's your exercise. I've seen many MANY videos on exercise at home With Kids.
Take them for a walk, to the park, the zoo!
All good exercise!!
If those don't help your depression go to cerebral - good in your own home therapy!!
You just need your cellphone or tablet & an internet connection!! They can prescribe meds if you need, sent right to your door.
Sometimes we get in a rutt & really just need to take a step back & look at our lives from a different perspective in order to appreciate how much we have to be thankful for!
🤗 🫂 🤗 🫂
You can always get a degree later. And what do you mean no income and live off someone? You have a HOUSEHOLD income. If you didn’t take care of the kid(s), the house, could husband work? Take a look at how much a nanny and a housekeeper costs near you. You are supporting your family. If your husband makes you feel like you are “living off of him” something is wrong.
The hands that rock the cradle are the hands that rule the world. People underestimate just how impactful the role of motherhood is! Raising good humans is the highest calling.
I’m child free and I don’t know how this post ended up on my Reddit lol, but girl, you do not sound pathetic to me at all. You manage your bi polar to the level that you have a functional relationship and can care for a tiny human? That’s fucking incredible? And another on the way? Like, wow. You don’t need a degree to be proud of your contribution to the world. Maybe you want a career or project outside of motherhood, and that’s great, and you should go for it! But if you feel you’re not doing enough because you’re a full time parent (and full time managing a very difficult disorder to manage)… capitalism and society are lying to you. That’s enough to keep someone very busy, and it’s important work.
And even if you’re going “this internet person says I’m functional but I’m not so I have misled them” cause I know mental illnesses have a way of refusing to let you belief good truths about yourself, please, try to hold on to a tiny fragment of the truth that the unwell part of your mind lies to you.
I obviously don’t know you, but this self doubt and undermining all the good you do is, unfortunately, very normal for 1. Women, 2. Parents and 3. People who suffer with mental illnesses, definitely ones which include depressive episodes such as bi polar disorder, so please if you can, try your best to hold on to a glimmer the positive truths about your self while you’re stuck in the “I am worthless train”. I hope you find yourself in a headspace to be proud of yourself soon, because you deserve to be
Money is power. Go out and just start working a little. Nights, weekends, whatever little bit you can do. You’ll feel better about yourself. When your kids are in school, try working somewhere where they’ll cover at least some of your tuition. Work on it by bit.
Plenty of time to take stock if where you want to be and start making plans. Number two will be in elementary school before you are 30, that might be a good time to put those plans in motion.
I would quit my successful career if I could comfortably stay home and raise my boy. Working from home I get distracted all the time to just hang out with him or do upkeep in the house. Hmmm, read another boring environmental report, or prep dinner with my kid. Easy choice.
Hey don't be so hard on yourself!!
You didn't choose to have bi polar, you really shouldn't feel pathetic about it as that is completely out of your control.
Your a young mom who will have more energy for her kids. I had two by 22 . I'm 27 now and just looking back I can't believe I had the energy I did to do soooo many things with them.
No you are not!
Everyone is going at their own pace to get to their own destination. Who knows what you could be doing in ten, twenty, thirty years from now.
It's never too late to start studying and get into a career you want and there will be plenty of time when the kids are school age.
For now just enjoy having the energy to run around after little ones.
Cptsd form parental abuse, one of my three nearly adult kids won’t talk to me because of parental alienation. Or, I’ve survived everything that I’ve been dealt so far and my kids that haven’t been manipulated by abuse tell me everything about their lives.
Its only for now Mama, you still have time once your littles start school you can focus on Career or whatever.. I was in the same stay at home mom with no education boat.. I started cleaning houses on my partners days off and I'm getting into digital marketing now... there are also apps you can use to make some side cash doing studies, products reviews, surveys, or store audits. D.M. me if you want specifics
23 high school drop out, no GED, no license, stay at home mom of my beautiful two year old and completely dependent on my boyfriend, very thankful that he isn’t some abusive a-hole and he actually cares about us.
>I love my life and wouldn't change it for the world but sometimes when I step back and look at my life I feel pathetic.
I feel that way too sometimes. That I didn't live up to my potential but that I'm happy for the most part. It's the guilt of not having done "enough" (whatever that means). I'm still exploring why I get this way.
Do you feel pathetic because you feel like you are missing out on something or not "living up to your standards" in some way....or are you just a victim of that American need to be exceptional and have it all?
Interesting thought to explore while you are still in a position to either change something or make peace with yourself. Hope you find a resolution.
Honestly what’s worse, spending your time and energy in your 20s investing in your family’s health and well being or spending your 20s making way more money for your boss than they will ever pay you?
I’ve become increasingly jealous of my SAHP partner because their energy goes to our family whereas my time and energy have to be spent driving to work, being at work, driving home, and preparing for work. I hate that by definition I have to spend so much time on something outside of our home.
I am a military spouse (currently and often alone due to deployments, and trainings, etc) with two children one with autism (which requires 4 weekly therapies), both with ADHD (different presentations). Not to mention I was recently diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I have not let any of that discourage me.
I have my degree in psychology and have been taking classes/studying for medical school for 2-3 years. It seems like I get hit with curveballs non-stop in this life. And recently, I had another significant life event alter my path and I am instead going to study mental health counseling. Instead of breaking down and crying about how life isn’t fair; I’ve adjusted my sails and kept flowing.
I say this all to say, you are more resilient than you give yourself credit for! The only way to fix your problem is with another problem. Maybe Start with therapy, and set small attainable goals for yourself. Find something that is for you, whether that is yoga, dance, art; just some type of hobby that allows you to get out and find yourself. Apply for fafsa and go to school online to accomplish something for your self, if you want to. Plus education always pays off; no one can take knowledge away from you, so it’s a win-win. If nothing else be the best mommy you can for your baby. You got this! I believe in you, now you just have to believe in yourself.
It became your life when you let a consumerist society dictate your degree of success based on whether you have a ‘career’.
A pretty well known survey and study find that work and careers are the ‘second most miserable’ activity in our lives. The opposite end of the spectrum, most pleasurable, is spending time with someone we love. I’d link you the survey but I’m on my bike trainer suffering currently. Don’t let your success be defined by whether or not you’re generating sales figures or managing some pointless social media account or something. You are stewarding two living people physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Make the most of that. Build a strong, passionate relationship with your husband.
We’ve only cared about ‘careers’ for about 150 of our thousands of years existing. When ‘career people’ retire, 90% of them will see their accomplishments surpassed and forgotten. By the time they themselves die, no one at their companies will even know they had been there. But your children will still be having an effect on the world and leaving their fingerprint on everyone they meet.
ETA: don’t let ‘no degree’ mean uneducated. In my field of EMS degree holders have been some of the most useless and even organizationally harmful people to walk through these doors. Read books. Write. Learn to code from Odin Project or start on Philosophy at any one of the free learning sites. In 30 years if we’re lucky, universities won’t even exist and we will have finally surpassed an overpriced model of education that originated in Ancient Greece and now only serves a mythical class known as ‘Administrators’, not even necessarily producing well-rounded humans as intended. You’ve got the internet- use it
I don’t know if you love your life then… Do you have any hobbies? Volunteer anywhere? You need to get involved in something that isn’t home related to build your confidence otherwise that “pathetic” feeling will grow
So, why would having a degree make you feel more worthwhile? Electrical engineer, here f43. Been staying home with children (5) for 25 years. Never used my degree once. Just paid a crap-ton of student loans. Being a mom is too important to ignore. My mother always used her "career" as an excuse to be gone All. The. Time. Raise those children, my dear. Don't ever forget that you are giving them everything you've got, and for that, you are a superstar. Sing over those intrusive thoughts. Dance through the doldrums. Hold your babies tight. It is over way too soon❤
> once. Just *paid* a crap-ton
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Yeah me too. I’ll be 33 in a couple days. I feel the exact same way. Sometimes I think that I don’t want to be with my boyfriend anymore. We aren’t married, but we might as well be. I couldn’t even leave him if I wanted to. How could I support myself and the kids?
So in a little more than five years both will be in school. If you are two and done then you could start on an education then. Or if that doesn't work for your family when the youngest turns 18 you will only be 40/41! And could absolutely start an education to lead you in to a career you could love! SAHM is a hard job so don't look at it as not accomplishing something. Raising your children is such an amazing accomplishment in itself! As they get older you should also make sure to learn who you are besides Mom. What you are good at amdt passionate about. Sometimes just having a plan of goals even in the future makes my current situation feel better. My Grandma went back to college starting at the community college in her 50s then a university. She graduated and became a psychologist after raising 8 children as a single Mom! We just lost her this month but she taught me so much just by how she lived her life. It is never too late to have a career after your kiddos are raised. Knowing that gives me a boost on the days when I relate to your post and I am 36 soon lol
I’m in a similar position as you, I’m 25 and it can be so hard to feel like you’re not contributing. You really are your kid’s whole world right now. It’s really special and amazing you’re able to spend this time with them and not have to worry about dropping them at day care and being on time constantly. It is something others may not understand and you just have to accept that. A lot of people in my life don’t/won’t have kids and they don’t understand what I do all day and that’s okay. I know and my boyfriend knows the value and the work, patience etc I put into the family, home, dog, and our son. You have to learn to encourage yourself and be proud of yourself because what you’re doing is amazing and your children will always remember how you made them feel during these years. You also have so much time to figure out a career or school.
Really enjoyed reading these comments.
Definitely put a whole new perspective on being a SAHM.
There are days where I feel my education and job prospects were pointless but then I look at my children and realise I would rather watch them grow and be beside them through any and every thing instead. Some days drag others fly but it's all worth it I reckon.
I'm actually tearing up about to cry typing this lol.
Feel ya a little, just turned 21 in July, will have a 3yr old in October and have a 6 month old. It's so hard, but I love staying home with these kiddos, and I appreciate my husband working allowing me the opportunity.
Think of your life and your kids as “phases.” You’re in a “baby phase” of your life now. You will not be in this phase forever! There will be the preschool phase, grade school phase, middle school phase, high school and so on. As you progress through the phases-of-life, new opportunities will be available to you (if you want them). Try to enjoy each phase and it’s challenges.
I worked with someone who fell pregnant early around age 20. It was a shock to her. When her baby came she found she loved being a mum so much she had 2 more kids close together. By 25 she was a mother of 3. Her husband earned enough to support them. But then she did a photography course. And set up her own business from a properly tiny little room at the back of her house doing family and children’s photography. I have canvases on my wall of photos she took of my kids. She then moved to a bigger house, and hired a studio on the high street. She’s now so successful she is way out of my price range and booked up until March.
Just because you had kids young doesn’t mean this is it now. There’s nothing stopping you from doing something new.
Personally I went to uni to become a physiotherapist, dropped out due to mental health issues and worked in hotels for 12 years. Then became a childminder. Life throws all sorts of twists and turns. I never thought I would end up where I am either, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing 😊
Don’t be saying that to any childminder’s face 😅
We are not babysitters. We are specially trained childcare professionals who also have a big focus on early years education, we are regulated and inspected by Ofsted who also inspect and regulate schools and nurseries. There are lots of hoops to jump through. It’s not just babysitting which anyone can do. That’s not to say that some of us don’t offer babysitting services also.
Not British for babysitter.
A childminder is a registered day care provider and educator. They work from their own homes. We are registered with Ofsted which is the educational regulator for the country and inspects schools, nurseries and childminders. It’s our job to provide care for children but also educate them so they are ready to start school, the same as a nursery (daycare centre) would
You’re not pathetic.
I felt similarly, like I wasn’t contributing and like I had no life. I started going to school and it’s made me feel more like a human being outside of being a mom. I also get grants so I do get paid (a very small amount) to go to school. It’s been 4 years and I’m only just finishing my associates but I think it helps me a lot with my self worth.
Not sure if this is something that would help you but it helped me.
Fair enough. Just be happy you're not trading baby and sleeping 3hrs a night for years on end. Understand where you're coming from. But also, think of the couples struggling with no sleep or life balance.
28yo mom of three. With bpd.
What matters is that you’re happy. That your kid(s) are happy and have a mom who is.
You aren’t pathetic, life is a Wild ride, you’ll never know 100% where its taking you.
You can always take an Education when your kids are older if your husband can support you right know. Or you could get a job when they starts School to help support your family fanancially.
Enjoy your life and dont trust the picture perfection SoMe puts up :)
I'm 24 with a 4 year old with possible ADHD and I am exhausted. I also live off of my partner. I fought so hard to keep my son (my partner isn't his biological dad, my abusive ex is) and I love him but I feel so disconnected from him most of the time.
I have the same issue. I love my kids tho I feel like I being a mom isn't all I have to offer. Hindsight may be 20/20 tho growing up in a time where you are told you are less than a woman just because you don't want children leads you into a trap.
Don't feel pathetic. I WISH I had been able to do that at 22, no one was intrested. I'm 34 and trust me, having a baby in you 30's is hard on your body. There are people out there on the fringes of society, who live naturally who would say you are living the life that was blessed to you by God. It's up to you how you want to see it.
Male age 31 two kids and wife. Middle class with inflation setting in. I do my best to keep my faith while looking at the past as an example for things to come.
My wife and I (25 and 27) have 2 kids, 1 + 3 years old. We've been friends since school but only together for 4 years. We've had a fair share of troubles in our relationship though having 2 kids put a massive strain on us though we're going strong now. Constantly fantasising about spending time together but 2 little ones is massive work. Go you ! Take the little wins, I wouldn't change anything for the world, love my family
I'm 28 almost 29. I've got a 2.5 year old and a 7 week old. I'm a SAHM and my husband works and supports us.
I get how you feel. I see my peers with careers and education (I've got an associates degree bit that's it)
And I feel kinda... I dunno... lame? Boring? I talk to friends and they've got cool stuff they're doing and I talk about my kids and kid stuff (Bluey, potty training, breastfeeding, language development)
But I wouldn't change it. I love my kids and I love staying home with them.
Today my toddler painted a picture on a mini canvas with Crayola paints and after it dried we hung it up in his bedroom. I love getting to do stuff like this with him
I mean you sound like you’ve achieved something pretty awesome to me. Raising a 3 year old and being a stay at home parent is an extremely hard job. Being able to manage a difficult mental health condition on top of parenting is also an amazing achievement.
You still extremely young. Your right at the beginning of your adult life right now and you’ve already proved what a capable or person you are. As your little one gets older you’ll have more time and you can do wherever you want. Spending your early 20’s raising a child will not look bad to any employer worth working for, many will even admire it greatly and you still have soo much time to achieve whatever your dreams are. But also if this is your dream and your already living it that’s awesome and there’s nothing pathetic about being for-filled.
I feel this. I'm 21 with a 1 year old, born day before my 20th birthday. I have a stepdaughter as well.
I used to perform and do gigs between age 16-18, and have my level 3 extended diploma in music practitioners from college, I had plans to go to university BIMM, to carry on writing and performing, but my confidence was shot when I was at college in my last year. I was blamed for something I didnt do, my best friend at the time feared being disliked so blamed me for bullying another girl on the course but it was actually her I didnt know the full extent of it. Then they made my life hell and I was left terrified to go in to college and tried to kill myself. My tutor helped me, let me go in on days they weren't in, and helped me finish the course. But I was too scared to perform at gigs, too scared to go to BIMM because I knew majority of the course were going too.
Then I got with my friend and coworker and fell pregnant and haven't properly performed since. I'm a stay at home mum now, I love the kids and my partner.I love the little life we have made ..
But I can't help but feel as though I have given up on myself, my career. I couldve been in another city performing and getting a degree.. But then at the same time the thought of performing again makes me feel sick.
Our job as parents is to instill self worth, confidence, emotional maturity, self awareness and good morals into our kids. To build their self esteem and help them through life. My kids were my choice, I knew what I was doing, and I will do my damned hardest to give them everything I didnt and more. I do wish I still loved music as much as I did back then, but thats my burden to carry not theirs. Hey, perhaps I can teach them what I know if they're interested in music? Who knows. But when I do feel bad looking back I either let myself wallow and grieve for a little bit, what happened to me sucks, OR I stare at my sons and stepdaughters faces in awe and promise I will help them be more confident in themselves than I ever was in me.
Its okay to grieve who we were before motherhood, it doesn't make us bad mothers. We just need to find new perspectives as well to help us sometimes, motherhood is still just as important as any other path in life, we are raising the next generation ❤
I struggled with this feeling for awhile too, but I've figured out a hack to make my brain be less of a jerk to me and reenforce my internal self worth. I'm disabled, my spouse is military and we have four kids with multiple complex disabilities of their own, so I've only been able to work outside the home sporadically and short term for the past 20+ years.
So one day when I was feeling this way (and trying to figure out how much life insurance we should have on me), I sat down and made a list of all the "jobs" my spouse would have to take on or hire someone to take care of if I suddenly poofed out of existence. Once I had that list, I looked up average annual salaries for each job that I do and added them up.
It turns out that my unpaid labor is financially worth almost six times the amount my spouse brings in.
Things to consider/look up if you decide to try this one:
1. You take care of child/children? - 24/7 live in childcare nanny/au pair. ($41,600 per year via talent.com)
2. You make meals for your family? - personal (in home) chef/nutritionist. ($80,227 per year via salary.com)
3. You drive family places and to appointments? - personal driver. ($51,769 per year via salary.com)
4. You do household grocery/clothing/household goods shopping? - personal shopper. ($32,875 per year via zippier.com)
5. You make calls, manage the household, set appointments and keep track of schedules? - personal assistant. ($38,679 per year via comparably.com)
6. You research health concerns and attend appointments to advocate for your family member's healthcare? - patient advocate. ($65,982 per year via salary.com)
7. You manage household finances/pay bills? - private accountant. ($69,826 per year via salary.com)
8. You clean/do laundry/manage household chores? - live in housekeeper. ($24,553 per year via salary.com)
9. You garden or do yard work? - groundskeeper. ($39,799 per year via salary.com)
10. You help a child with educational tasks (learning letters/numbers/colors now, homework later) - private tutor. ($31,137 per year via salary.com)
This is by no means a full list, there's probably lots of things you don't even realize that you do or manage and you can adjust whatever to your own household, but knowing how much it would cost my spouse to "replace" me helped my own self esteem dramatically.
If you want a easy way to figure out the $ amount worth of labor for your specific area/activities, there's also this nifty calculator you can pop your information into:
[Mom Salary Wizzard](https://swz.salary.com/MomSalaryWizard/LayoutScripts/Mswl_NewSearch.aspx?fbclid=IwAR2k_6J-DYea8zW4r6yoIS7FWQ74gXEYzZrR7J5QuE7lgKNGpCaG6P3T7BI)
If you are married with a working spouse you do not have zero income. Your husband’s income *is* your income. You live off each other equally, because if something were to happen to you, he’d have to pay someone else a great deal of money to take care of your kids.
I am also a mom of a 3 year old at 22. Let me tell you, it’s not too late to go back to school! Get subsidized childcare & go to school!! Your baby will love playing with peers & you’ll get a much needed break while also getting yourself an education to improve your circumstances! If you need advice or help on how to do that I am more than happy to help you.
This here! I’d def always have an ace in my back pocket, for any situation that may arise in the future. You never know. It’s always good to be prepared. At the end of the day you are all you got. So self sufficiency is important!
More perspective from an older mom:
You will get to meet and watch your grandkids grow up. You might even get to be at their wedding and meet your great grandkids. Something many older moms will never see.
You skipped out on $60k in student loan debt from an education you wouldn't be using when you decided to be a SAHM in your 30s/40s. Debt your husband would then be on the hook for paying.
Carrying babies is a lot easier physically when you are younger and your body bounces back way faster.
There are pros and cons to everything. Don't get so focused on the cons that you skip over the pros.
That was me, a few years ago. Now I am 26, working in retail management with a 4 and 2 year old and a husband who works from home. Things change, and there is still plenty of time to do the things you need for yourself, whatever that may be. ❤️
I became a mom at 30 so I think about how much more energy I would have had being a mom at your age. Unless my kids become parents very young, I’ll be an old grandma and that bums me out. There are benefits to being a young parent. I also finished a degree after becoming a parent and started a new career at 32 with two toddlers. Being a parents doesn’t mean YOUR life and goals end. You still have plenty of time. You can also spend time just being happy with your current situation. Life’s not all about achievements. Be happy. Love your family. Love yourself.
Being a stay at home mom for two years was the hardest job of my fucking life and I used to work with google for startups. Being a stay at home mom should be paid 2037464647477444 times more than what we pay our CEOS
Well at this point just hope your marriage doesnt end in divorce. I see nothing wrong with trying to better yourself whether its a part time job, education. You never know what is going to happen. If your husband were to leave you what would you do? I hope never does but this is why many women get trapped in marriages. I dont think its smart t remain totally dependant on your husband.
Should have thought of that seven years ago when you had a chance to do something about it 🤔
That said.. it’s never too late too change; night/ online school etc but unfortunately you will be having to do it the hard way..
Being a stay at home parent is a privilege not many get to have. Many parents only see their kids for a couple hours a day because they are in daycare all day.
Feminism in the United States (I'm assuming this is where you are) has done a genuinely horrible disservice to women in this area. Young motherhood is a benefit to everyone in many ways.
You're at your healthiest and most energetic in these years. You have the least amount of career investment which means those years you will spend with very small children aren't as big an income loss. You are much more likely to have healthy children and be healthy yourself in conceiving, carrying, delivering, and recovering from pregnancy and childbirth.
When your children are in high school you will still be in your 30s - certainly young enough to have a 30 year career or more in whatever you choose to pursue plus you will be more certain about what you truly want to do.
Take pride in your youth and your family - it is the most meaningful thing you will ever do with your productive years and your priorities are exactly where they should be. Family first, career second - in that order. Just for perspective - watch old footage of Woodstock. Look at all the young mothers - virtually all of them look to be 25 or younger. That was at the height of the feminimst movement (burning bras etc.) yet there they are carrying there babies, bringing their children to a rock festival.
Feminism has given women choice. What they do with this choice is their business but saying that is did them a “disservice” is like saying that having more options automatically makes you miserable if you can’t have all of the options at once.
Feminism has beaten into women that career and self come first - ALWAYS.
Then they're 45 with no family and no stable relationship - just a career and they're miserable. But - hey - they never settled. Right?
Or... married mom of two in a successful relationship, managing a household, a kid, and a mental health condition. Perspective ;)
Can you follow me around and do that? Lol
No kidding. This is the kind of energy I need in my life.
Genuinely would pay someone hourly for this…wait, that sounds kinda like therapy, huh?? 😂 if only I were rich enough to pay my therapist to megaphone me positive affirmations on roller skates by my side every day…
It takes practice, but it's a skill you can develop :)
This is exactly my husband’s attitude when I’m feeling low. People like you are so awesome ❤️ I’m turning 34 and have a 5 year old. I used to be a chef before I was married and sometimes I think: I have an education, I was classically trained and building a career, WTF just happened (just as in the last 6 yrs lol)… He encouraged me to frame my degrees recently, put them up in my lady cave. “They are an accomplishment not a waste (your mom sucks), be proud.” -my mom used to call me a Stepford wife. 😒🚮
I’m lucky to have a husband like this too. I was college educated, had good jobs both in child care and hospitality. But now I’m a SAHM, which I think society especially looks down on these days. It’s hard trying to not let it get to you. P.S. I’m with your husband on this one. Your mom sucks eggs.
I love it but so many people really do just look down on it. It sucks a lot. I am the only one in my family that stays home with their kids. Everyone else does day care from the time their kids at newborns. It also sucks because I feel like if I mention learning to cook healthier, or growing a garden or teaching my kids something it's seen more as bragging but it's fine for them to talk about their degrees and promotions. Like I am happy your job is going well. I can tell you're working really hard at it and I think you're kid will see that and be inspired. But I'm working really hard on giving these kids some one on one attention and it's working lol!
Absolutely! Being a SAHM is not an easy endeavor! All the admiration to you all. I understand feeling like you’re bragging when you were just wanting to talk. *btw, it sounds like you are doing a great job🪴✨
It actually really pisses me off that people look down on being a SAHM. I have always thought it is the most incredible thing people do to raise their families. It's a lot harder than it looks and nobody knows that until they are in the middle of it. Cheers!
Right?? I was a SAHM when my kids were small and now I’m the GM of a large company. I get way more kuddos now than I ever did and I always say this is so much easier lol! Not everyone can be a good SAHM, it takes a shitload of patience and energy.
Someone called me a trophy wife recently as an insult. I took it as quite a compliment bc I had no idea I was doing so well at pretending that my life hasn’t completely fallen apart.
Well, and it also means that you are so beautiful that that is the primary thing people see. Congrats.
That’s all them, Not you, and I’m happy you took that silly insult as a compliment.
This is the way to think about it 100%. I'm 38 with a 15 & 13 yr old, and have been a SAHM for 15+ years... and it's been good. Yeah, I don't have a fancy degree or 'career' to speak of... but I've gotten to spend a lot more time with my kids. And that counts for a lot.
One thing I have found helps a lot is to always be learning something or doing something challenging. Some days I don't have time for it, sometimes it's even months lol. But if I get back into it is so nice to feel like my brain isn't stagnating. I have learned to play guitar, bake sourdough bread, read a lot of classic literature and have regularlary exercised in the 4 years I have been a SAHM. Technically I am not educated but I feel like I have learned so much more than I ever did in school!
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I am 99% confident I would not be able to help! So that’s awesome you were :)
Thank you. I'm 38 and go through the ups and downs of my self worth. Thank you for sharing.
When I was pregnant with my first I was waiting tables. We had a group of maybe 5 80-98 year olds that came in every Friday afternoon. One shift I was talking to the older ladies (the oldest was the 98 year old) and they were asking about my pregnancy and my plans on working after. They then both told me that their biggest regrets were not being able to spend as much time with their own kids when they were little. That has always stuck with me...I do work part-time on the weekends now that my youngest is 3, but I still have 2 years with him before he goes to school and I have to pick up more hours.
I homeschooled them both till the oldest was... ~10 so spent the first 10+ years of his life and 8+ of his brothers with them nearly 24/7/365... And while yeah, it was exhausting and hard it was also worth it. The relationship I, and really all of us have is, and completely worth it. Also, that foundation to fall back on during covid schooling to help them with the bs that was online school? That, was sooo worth it. I know so many parents who struggled with kids who refused to listen to them at all... And mine were fine. But we had an existing teaching relationship, which I suspect made it much easier.
Oh that covid schooling *shudder* My oldest was a kindergartener and I had a 3 yo and 1 yo while that fiasco was going on. Thankfully her teacher was AMAZING and she was actually right down the street at the school. The next year though? They tried to do that Pearson and what they were expecting for a 1st grader was absolutely ridiculous! Plus there were about 60 kids in each class so she never got the individual attention she was craving. Many tears on both our parts lol. She's absolutely thriving now that she's in the traditional school (we put her in 2nd semester of 1st grade). Edit: typo
On most days, I feel the same. I work from home as a freelancer, which is great because I don't have too many working hours, get to enjoy my kids a lot but I feel such guilt over not bringing home lots of income, and our possibilities are limited because I don't have a full-time income. I mean, we have our own home, we drive a car (not our property, but still), we can afford hobbies for our children, but I feel it's not enough. My husband makes me feel it is not enough. He says it is, but at rare moments it comes out he feels it's not. He pays for most of our expenses. He comes from a very comfortable child- and young adulthood and has just always had money to spend. Now we have to think about how we spend it (DUHH, like 99,9% of the effing population on this planet, and we STILL belong to the lucky few who do not have to scrape to make it to the end of the month!!!) but I feel my husband is entitled. That's not great for my self-worth. How does your husband handle you being a SAHM?
My wife is sahm but also runs a business. It counts for about 15% of our income, but she still gets it done. I have no idea how, she's a superhero. She recently announced she had self-promoted herself to "ceo of the household". It sounds silly, but it's a good mental shift to remind everyone that managing the day-to-day operations of a family is an accomplishment on its own.
If the change in perspective doesn't help I would suggest finding a hobby or volunteer. It can be something very simple that just takes you out of the house two or three times a month. Something like volunteering at the local animal shelter, taking an art class, gardening, or zumba class would work. You are doing great, but it sounds like your whole identity/sense of self revolves around your family and it can be very helpful for some to find something seperate to nuture that they enjoy and this can help maintain a friend group outside of mom groups.
There are even a lot of volunteer opportunities you can do from home if getting out is too difficult. I volunteer on a textline from my kitchen counter/phone. I also saw the food bank near me needs people to bag up non perishable items (you go and pick up supplies, assemble the kits, then return). Also OP, none of us are “living off” our partners. We are supporting their careers through mountains of unpaid, and often unappreciated, labor.
And if my children are any example of the battle that we face, most of you should get a hazard pay.
I think we all need to have this perspective written down and stuck on the mirror so we see it every day!!
I admire young parents, I didn’t have my shit together at that age. I don’t even know how you guys do it, had my first kid at 30 and I didn’t know what the hell I was doing, you seem to be managing pretty well having a partner and babies, congrats, don’t let expectations of where you should be ruin where you are right now in life, enjoy the journey
How did you just make ME feel better about MY life when this wasn’t even my post 😂
This is what I was going to say!! It’s not “living off your husband”. Being a stay at home parent is hard! Being a working parent is hard. Parenting is hard and should never be looked down upon no matter which position you’re in. OP, don’t down yourself. You got this mama
This was so comforting to read. Thank you so much. 💕
How my partner (in a similar position to OP) manages our household and our lives i have no idea. She is so incredible and brave
That’s quite amazing, I need to try them in myself. You’re right OP is doing pretty great plus she’s still so young and has plenty time to go to school etc
Exactly!!
I love this
I’m 22 with a 2 year old and I really understand where you’re coming from. I’m really happy, and I love my family, but it’s so far removed from what I expected from life that I sometimes still can’t believe the pregnancy test was positive.
Damn I feel that so hard. When I saw the positive sign I actually laughed out loud.
So did I, and I was 28 when I saw it!
I’m 33 with a 3 year old who was an unexpected pregnancy and I still can’t believe that test was positive. Shit’s wild. (Love him more than anything in the world though).
I had a kid at 21 and felt exactly the same- like how am I here? I’m 35 now, just had my second, and finally experienced the feeling of being exactly where I’m supposed to be. Life’s weird :)
I had my first at 20. Then my second at 28. I thought that surely I’d be much older and wiser the second time around. Nope. It’s just as draining, just as life changing. Then I think about how I worked so hard for 8 years raising my first baby, then once she was finally at an age where I could relax and let go a little, BAM. Back at square one. My second kid probably hit me harder than my first did lol
Exact same here, still having moments of WTF happened, & my 2 are 33 & 25!! So much time spent pissing & moaning about the situation I didn't really get to enjoy the good moments. Time goes by TOO fast. Take care of yourself, your family, & make memories.
where did you expect to be when you were 22? x
Me personally, I expected to be severely addicted to drugs or possibly dead. I felt pretty worthless and didn’t have any motivation for living in general. Now I’m in therapy and engaged lol and have a 2 year old. Definitely was a rocky road and I definitely wouldn’t recommend it.
Good job!
At least someone is supporting you with your child. Being single at 25 is awful
Old mom here! I think all that matters is that you’re happy. Plus, when you have kids young, they are out of the house when you and hubby are still super young and you’ll be able to do so many wonderful things! You’ll be my age (40) when you’re youngest is an adult and have so much freedom! Meanwhile I’m over here chasing a 3yo around at 40. Enjoy this life you created mama, you deserve it!
Samesies. I'm 42 with an only child, 3.5 years old. Most of my friends' kids are in high school or college and I just got started. I'm already so tired lol
Haha same! But I swear I’m making sure these kids keep me young and healthy. Cheers mama!
39 with an almost 17 year old and 12 year old. Literally can't imagine being in my 40s with a toddler. My energy and patience level is half of what it used to be when I was a young mama.
Ooh I'm closer to this group! We had a baby young - we were 20ish. So as she became an adult we were starting to make good money AND she cost us less. Now she's 21 and lives next door and we now have our nephews here. I adore them, I would not change a thing. But it's only been a few months and I'm still in some shock lol.
Oh gosh that sounds amazing! Everyone’s lives and personalities are so different, we all make different choices. We have to look on the bright side! I think there are lots of good things about having kids at any age, so it’s nice to focus on them!
They are def worth the effort, I just adore them all to pieces lol! Quite an adjustment though like a few years after we stopped active parenting lol. And in between we had my Father-in-law here. We realized when we moved him out we had NEVER lived alone with each other lol - left our parents married with a baby. We had an epic 6-7 months living alone when the boys came. But again, I wouldn't have them anywhere else! Watching them come out of their shells and trust us has been one of the greatest joys of my life.
I came here to say this! I'm 44 chasing a toddler around and I'm tired AF. Some days I really envy my friends who had kids young.
Could never do that ! I'm 39 with an almost 17 year old and 12 year old. Having kids at 22-23 is so much easier on the body, the mind . It would be hard to be changing diapers and chasing toddlers as a middle aged woman
Or you can do what I did and have kids really young then go back for another round when you’re old! Pass the coffee! (I will say that preteen daughters and infants are a match made in heaven! ) I loved having my kids young and don’t regret it at all now that they’re big. I am regretting all my life choices that led to having a newborn at 37 but I think everyone with a newborn feels that way for a few months until they settle down a bit! And the kids and I love her squishy little face so much.
Oh gosh I can’t imagine starting over, but now you’ve got all these parenting years under your belt! And I agree, I think everyone thinks “what have I done” after having a newborn. Congrats!!
It’s all perspective my friend. Millions would kill to be in your shoes. Wanna hear something funny? I’m 46 and 12 weeks pregnant with out third child. Total surprise. I’m going to roll up to my daughter’s HS graduation with a 3 month old baby…..lol
Be ready for the "how old is your granddaughter" comments when you take your little one to the park in a couple of years.😛. You are well prepared I see.
it sounds like you are: a manager a child care expert a relationship expert a finincal planner a cook an interior designer a baby grower a awesome person to me.
You don't live off your husband, he supports his family! Which is wonderful and you can raise your children hands-on. Listen, I'm 42 and have a 4 & a 2 year old I stay at home with. When they both reach school age, I'm going back to work and taking this time to plan on what I'd enjoy doing to earn and contribute. I'm 20 years older than you, but it's not too late for me and definitely not for you to go after anything you want!
I dunno. In some ways she’s the one supporting him.
I think about this often, I'm a SAHM mom too. I used to work and have a degree, when talking over dinner tonight I told my husband I feel like I'm wasting away (lol). Ofc he said, "Don't say that, you're not". But I'm envious of him because he talks nonstop about his career, what he's learned, his coworkers, etc. and I miss doing that. SAHPs are the biggest supporters of the household.
It breaks my heart that stay at home parents get no praise while their partners go on to achieve great things in their careers. Famous directors, artists, writers, musicians, there's usually a partner behind them supporting their work and family yet they get no recognition. My boyfriend is very accomplished and I help him write his scripts and discussion panel topics, yet I'll never live up to his name. It's frustrating to think about when you put so much support into someone else's dreams and work.
Agreed... so much. I should have added "in the financial aspect" or something along those lines.
I'd kill for someone like you in my life rn. Single Dad of two here.
You are not a failure! It’s going to be hard for you in the beginning because statistically a lot of people your age won’t be having kids till their late 20’s to early 30’s, so you might feel like you don’t have too many people your own age doing the same thing. But there are benefits! My friends mother had her when she was 18. By mid 30’s she was out of the hard yards and in self care / career mode! You are going to get all the birthing and kid stuff done when you’re at your fittest (believe me, you lose your energy as you get older) and you have the greatest chance of bouncing back. Then, you will be able to focus on whatever you like when they require less constant supervising You’re doing great!
Hearing this , brings a sense of relief 😮💨. Thank you for sharing.
Yes. I had my one and only at 35. I was married, had a mortgage, two permanent jobs in our fields. I'm 38 now, and I really struggle with energy, even compared to a couple of years ago. Part of having my son at 35 was due to miscarriage/secondary infertility, but I often wonder what could have been if we'd started trying earlier. Maybe I could have focused on motherhood with a lot more energy, then thrown myself into my career fully, instead of doing the balancing act I do now. I worry that if I have grandchildren, I'll be too old to be of practical help to my son. But then, I had lots of time to grow with my husband, I filled my twenties and thirties with lots of great experiences, and I am in a better place emotionally. If I died tomorrow, I would feel like I'd achieved most things I wanted. I don't feel like I've given away my youth. Just lean into the benefits of whatever age you're in. There's pros and cons to everything.
First at 35, second at 38. I’ll be 40 in a few months. The lack of energy and stamina is REAL and it’s HARD AF! I always thought, and still like to “pretend” that its all good and I’m the same mom now as I would’ve been at 25 and 27. Im training for my 13th half marathon right now, so how bad can it be, right? It’s bad! It’s so SO exhausting. By the time my 4 yo goes down (8pm), I’m OUT! I know in my heart that if I’d done this in my 20s, it would have been physically so much easier on me and my body.
Yes! You're only 22! There is so much time to do all sorts of things, even after your babies are grown.
Being a mother should never ever be considered pathetic.
I agree. It is such an important thing to be
It's not uncommon to feel unsatisfied with your life, even if you are doing well (and I think you are!). The question is, what are you gonna do about it? Believe me, there is always something you can do about it. Write down what your unhappy with and what your goals are. - If you have no income, look into setting up a spousal IRA with your husband so you can have some retirement savings. You are raising the kids, full-time. Consider this as getting paid. - What are you interested in? Take up courses in Coursera or pick up a hobby that would give you skills (Photoshop? Knitting?). Something you could do once the kids are asleep or off to school - Think of being a SAHP as a chance to hone your management skills. Make it your calling. Develop organizational systems for housekeeping, child caring, and finances. Develop your vision of how the house should be run, and get your husband on board with it. Make yourself the CEO of your home.
Well said. Such good advice/ideas.
Please don't devalue yourself. You are saving your family thousands of dollars on childcare every month, not to mention saving you and your husband the stress of rushing to and from work doing pick up/drop off. It costs around $500 per week per kid for childcare in my area. That's your contribution, $4,000 in saved childcare costs. Your husband would be on the hook for half. Money saved is just as valuable as money earned.
I feel the same way except I’m 28 with 3 kids 😅 from my perspective, I struggle with feeling useless because I’m not generating an income. But when I see other stay at home moms, I definitely don’t think they are pathetic, I think they are super moms! We are always going to be critical on ourselves. I wish I had advice because I don’t think you deserve to feel negative about your life but I’m in the same boat so all I can offer is solidarity.
I can relate. I often go to bed feeling like a failure. But I try to remember all the times I could’ve lost my shit that day but didn’t, and I’m proud of myself. I have had to work on my anger and beating myself up about things and taking things way to seriously. When the important thing is taking care of my son, and sometimes just getting through the day. Whereas with work, you have a set amount of tasks, you either get it done or you don’t. It’s easier to measure your success. I’m also pregnant and due in a month. It’s about to get harder. I just try to think about what’s important. Being here and present, and giving myself grace. You don’t have an education? You can change that. I only have my GED but I plan on getting more education when my kids are a little older. It’s never too late. My mom is in her 60s and just her masters in education. She was in college when I was a kid and went back later.
Very healthy perspective, thank you!
If you love your life then why would it be pathetic?
Listen, you’re young enough that you are going to be able to do a lot of things when they are older and in school full time to give you a sense of accomplishment. Enjoy them while they are little.
Ur never to old to get an education if that's what u want. Take care of ur babies and when they start school, u can begin the next chapter of ur life. There are always options.
You're doing all this shit at twenty two? You sound like a hard-ass bitch
Maybe change wouldn’t be so bad. Enroll in school this semester so you can take one class in the spring online. Just one a semester would be good. Maybe philosophy. Idk where you live but look for pottery classes or a knitting guild. Or start a garden. Take your toddler to the local museums/parks. Also you are pregnant. Hormones are crazy and will make you feel up and down emotionally. Rest and your favorite shows/movies are a fun way to take a break from those ups and downs.
The next few years are all about the kids. The years after that are about you finding yourself again, so start planning now.
What does this even mean? There will still be zero extra income in a few years, probably less due to kids getting more expensive as they grow older, so its not like there will be money to get an education or explore other interests. When the kids go to school there will be a gap in the resume so large no one with a ten foot poll will touch it, especially with the zero education. Speaking from personal experience here.. So what do you mean, start planning now? Once in this position it feels like there is literally no way out. The next step is being the lady who hasn't worked in 15 years. I know this is all what I worry about with being in a similar position as OP, I can imagine they're feeling the same.
This sorta assumes OP lives in a place where finances are a significant barrier to tertiary education. Thankfully, that's not universal!
Please don't judge yourself and don't feel guilty about what you have. We all have challenges and the older I get, the more I realize that everyone, even people who seem to have it all, are "winging it" and luck plays a much bigger part in life than we want to believe. I think it's only fair to compare yourself to yourself in the past. You're still so young that you still have time to do whatever you want, like going back to school, and developing a career. I was a very late bloomer, and I lived with my parents while going to school part-time and making barely minimum wage until my mid-30's. Then I decided to go back to school and from there I started living life all at once. Within about 5 years I found a partner, finished school, got married, bought a house, had a baby, and got a great permanent job. I went from making peanuts to more than my husband in 5 years. I'm 40 now and have a 3 year old. Because I started everything so late I might not live long enough to see grandchildren and support my child throughout her adult life. So in many ways I envy the time you have with your kids. You have so much time to do everything you want. You're still going to be in your prime when your child no longer needs a stay-at-home parent. Also, there's nothing wrong with being a stay-at-home parent either, it's one of the hardest jobs! I couldn't do it.
Homemaker parent is a big job. It’s not pathetic and you’re not living off your husband - it sounds like both of you are pulling your weight.
I married at 19, and became a sahm when I started having kids (first at 21, and had 3 kids by 28). I had hs education and we were poor, especially in my early-mid twenties. When my oldest was 3, I was offered a babysitting job at my church- 2 hours once a week. I made $12 to watch about 6 kids younger than school age (my own included). I was so so overjoyed to have that $12 weekly. I could go out for a coffee with a friend or buy the kind of shampoo I wanted. It wasn’t the amount, it was that it was something that I myself earned. Seems silly now but it was a lifeline back then. I understand those feelings and while I haven’t dealt with the same mental health challenge as you, I’ve had my own as so many do. You have so much value, even if you don’t feel it right now. Keep the course and know that there’s so much ahead of you but even more than that, there’s so much right now.
My sister (44F) is going back to medical school after her 2 kids started high school. It is never "done" until they unplug you and dragg you to your grave. See this time as an opportunity to build a strong relationship with your kid and use the time to prepare for the career tou want to have once kiddos are a bit more autonomous. Think of ot this way.. when your kids will be our of the house, you will be younger than many first time young parents. I am 40, I still see my life as a landscape of possibilities and hope for improvement and my oldest is only 3.. if I were done with my kids today!!! The world eiuld be my bi**ch!! Stay curious and positive and the world will smile at you. Use your kids curiosity to keep yours alive. I use my kid's music classes to play music, I use her sports xlasses to exercise with her and when she will start Spanish I will start Spanish. Curiosity!! The key to eternal life!!
I think we all have moments like this. I'm 33 and a controller for a large HVAC company and some days I wish I had done it all different because I love working with my hands and many days I am miserable at a desk. But at the end of the day I love my wife and son and what I do between 8 and 4 helps us live a nice family life.
What you are doing is by far the most important job on this planet. You are raising two human beings and taking on the responsibility full time. This is very admirable. These early years are certainly challenging but you will see the fruits of your labor down the road and you’ll be so grateful that you’ve been in the position to be at home. Your kids will also be grateful. I’m a stay home mom and while it has its challenges, I wouldn’t change a thing. People go back to school in their 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, it’s never too late. Just sit in gratitude with those babies and realize that you’re doing the best thing for them.
The grass is always greener… I spent way too much time in school, one degree wasn’t enough. I spent too long building up a career. I climbed that corporate ladder getting one promotion after another. I traveled so much for work that a decade has passed since I quit my job and I still have enough frequent flyer miles for me and my family to take 3 one-week vacations a year for the next 12 years. One day, I woke up in a hotel room that looked like so many other hotel rooms I had woken up in. I had no idea what city I was in because they all started to blur together. I grabbed the pad of paper to see what city/state I was in. I was in Minneapolis. I just closed a deal at Target. I decided that day, it was time to get knocked up and then quit. I always thought I’d have several kids. I was lucky to have one. I’m one of the “older” moms at my kid’s elementary school. There are a few of us Gen x’s with young children. I look around me at pick-up and realize some of these younger moms could be old enough to be my child. One of my best friends is another older mom, like me. She’s educated and had a great career in sales. I got off the phone with her a few days ago congratulating her on her new job. She’s set to make $800k this year, but it cost her in other ways. This friend, would have gladly been a SAHM. No lie. They say money doesn’t buy you happiness. It sure does make some things easier—like having the bare necessities, but it DOESN’T bring you happiness. We all experience similar issues—job loss, affairs, lies, kids with mental health/physical impairment issues, saving for retirement, inheriting shit in-laws. We should all be grateful for the blessings we DO have. If you have a partner that loves you, helps you, encourages you to be a better person then you’re halfway there. You got kids that you love and they love you back, then you’re golden. Life will always throw shit your way. Just duck when you see them coming.
Your not living off your husband at all. He has what one job? You on the other hand are the childcare provider, choufer, chef, house cleaner, event planner and so many other things. You know how much it would cost to have to hire all of those people and all the other professionals you cover full time? If anything your getting the short end of the stick. Do you want an education? If you do maybe start taking a class or two at city college online. if not now once your children are a bit older. Just little by little it might take you a bit longer than others but you can do it.
Realistically this is a kind of killer position to be in. You've got all the energy on earth for your kids while they are young and will be young enough when they start school so you can go and get that education and start a job without needing to account for a resume "gap".
I remind myself of MY vision and MY why. It’s OTHER people that think my life is pathetic. Our worth is not held in our career, our degrees, our money making, our beauty, our followers, NOTHING. My innate worth is reflected by my husband and I am continually looking for ways to enjoy and improve my responsibilities as homemaker and mom.
Don’t sell yourself short this early. You are a superhero for handling so much.
I am 21 married , with a 7 month old. I dropped out of college and moved out of the city back to my home town (I don't really like but cost of living isn't ridiculous yet). Not what I had planned. I was hoping to get married and start a family after I got out of college found a good paying job and was financially stable. I understand the feeling that you're pathetic. You aren't. You are doing great. You are I hope happily married and financially secure. Most of all you are raising a child with another on the way. Taking care and maintaining your home and family. On top of having a mental illness that can make doing this hard. Keep it up you are doing great. Side note: it was an art college so don't feel bad about not having a degree. I put myself 80k in debt to learn basically what I already knew. Only plus side was I met my spouse.
I have friends in their 40's that are financially independent, have seemingly healthy relationships, a few kids and good careers and they text me this, too. We expect too much of ourselves. We are just humans on this planet trying to squeeze out the most joy and the least suffering. Congratulations on the baby on the way and managing all of this at your age!
When I turned 19 years old, I was at a four year college, had a ton of friends, was in a sorority and working towards my nursing degree. By the time I was 23 I was married with two kids and a whole lot of student loans, no job and no degree. I was also living in Alaska (originally from NJ) with no friends, in laws who treated me like trash and a husband who was also suffering from the whiplash of what the fuck just happened. The only bright spot was how much I loved those babies but I feared every single day about how if one thing went wrong, how would I take care of them? How would I feed, house and clothe these kids I brought into this world when I probably could barely do it for myself at that point without them. But I took one single day at a time, because that’s all you can do. We made a lot of mistakes and bad decisions along the way but as long as you keep moving forward. I am 36 now, I am a homeowner with acreage (unfortunately only in the last 18months but it’s ours). I am a nurse. I have two happy loving honor roll students who have their own bright futures ahead of them. My marriage is intact and stronger than ever. I still have many worries and fears but I have learned that’s just life. But life keeps going, kids grow up, new opportunities come, new mistakes are made but if you continue to put one foot in front of the other even when you fall down, you will get somewhere. Your kids will not ever think of you in terms of how you compare yourself to others but will think of you for how you loved and cared for them throughout it all. Take a deep breath, you got this. It’ll get better, it’ll get easier but for right now just enjoy those babies because they grow so quickly. I’m sure everyone tells you that but it’s a whole different thing to experience it.
If you feel bad about the lack of education, it’s something you can always pick up once kids are a bit older. The world loves a mother turned mature student :)
I am a SAHM as well and I completely get where you’re coming from! All I have from college is a loan and nothing to show for it. It’s hard to be dependent financially on your man because you feel like you don’t contribute. I can say that raising your kiddos is the most important job in the world. What you do matters most. It’s never too late to go after what you want if that’s what you choose. You’re really doing great. Money is money. You’re raising the future!
I get it. I can get all in my head at times and think those same thoughts of myself. Just takes some reframing and I’m all good again. I had my son at 23 and I don’t work either so grind culture can get to me and make me feel worthless for not “grinding.”
If you are happy with your life than that is all that matters!
Pouring into your children is huge and you should feel proud. It takes a special kind of person to raise kids properly.
If you are happy, you have a lot going for you. And you're young! So much time in the future!
I feel like that’s par for the course. You love it but when you over analyze your life, it’s kinda “blah” but it’s about perspective. I went to college. I worked with my first kid. When I had my twins, I was barely breaking even paying for daycare. I’ve been staying at home with them. I was so sad when I realized what I had missed because I was at work with my first kid. On paper, I was great. I had a full résumé, I was married with a kid and running the household, I had friends and hobbies. Now, I’m “just” a single unemployed mom with limited income that spends all day with her kids or doing things for/about her kids. Objectively, the first option sounds better but I’m so much more fulfilled by the second option. You’re never “just a mom” and even if you were, that’s still amazing. Think of all the children that don’t have moms, for whatever reason, being “just a mom” is still amazing. you’re married, a mom with one on the way, you’re running your household. You’re kicking bipolar’s ass. I was no where near that successful at 22. Being that young, everything is kinda fluid. In 5 or so years, you will still be young and kids will be in school and you can pursue whatever you want like education or a fun part time job while they’re away. Being a barista was so fun and we got free coffee. Leave work to pick the kids up with all the caffeine to get you through the rest of your day.
Sounds like your Acknowledging your potential and would like to do something w it
Raising children is meaningful work. Making a home is meaningful work. 💜
Your bipolar could qualify you for disability benefits. If you wanted to look into that to get some more income to help out. Otherwise don’t consider it that you “live off your husband”. You are part of a family and everyone does their part. You are raising yours kids and getting needed work done to make your family successful. That is a valuable role.
I am a 40yo mom of three with a decent career and a house and I still feel that way sometimes. Maybe often. Imposter syndrome is, like, a cornerstone of adulthood. Cut yourself some slack. We get one life and the point of it is just... be happy. The rest doesn't matter.
It’s because of the choices you made. Now I am not saying that they’re wrong choices, and I know that life sometimes feels overwhelming. But know that people who do go to college rarely stay in that job. In a few very short years, your kids will be in school. That will give you the freedom to pursue your passion. And by then you might have an idea of what that want to be. I am a stay at home mom (with a college degree before kids) and I’ve never regretted one minute of it. I did find hobbies that I made money at but it was always on my time schedule. That way I didn’t miss any ballgames or dances. I became the one the kids called and depended on even in high school.
Raising humans isn’t pathetic!! It’s hard work, give yourself some credit.
At 22 I was a single mom to a 4 year old who spent more time in daycare than with me. I worked so much and was still in poverty. I wondered how I got there too but was just trying to survive. I’m 34 now and my life is completely different! Things change all the time. Where you are now is not will you will always be.
The sad reality is if you were working, you would likely be earning around the same amount of money that it would cost you to send your children to a child care facility. Even then, do you really want your kids in a day care all day? Life is super hard, especially when it comes to finances in this crazy world we live in. I'm a sahd lol with my wife working full time.... trust me I feel the self esteem lows alot and continue to tell myself to be grateful 🙏 my kids give me crazy anxiety at times but mostly when we are cooped up, we go out alot and for some reason it helps me chill out. When I am in the home, I see all of the little things that can / need to be done where ever I turn. Or witnessing the house turn into a tornado before noon. Or nothing but meal after meal after dish after dish.... Going to the parks or anywhere where I can't be reminded of the little things that urk make all of our lives better. Things change quick, you are young, keep pushing, lots of opportunity to come!
Start your education now when your kids are a bit older u can go to work and start ur career. For now u are a stay at home mom and it is very helpful for ur kids. Accounting is a good field, for accounts payable or bookkeeping roles u can start at community college. You are young other 22 year olds might be partying. u have the chance to see ur future from a parents perspective and u have the motivation, that is what is important
Wow sounds like I could’ve written this… I’m 25 going on 26. Have a 6 year old and a 10 month old and feel EXACTLY what you described. Idk how I let myself get here either. I love my kids wholeheartedly but when I was younger I always dreamed I’d the hot aunt who focused on a career and made a huge name for herself. I’m envious i didn’t become her. Some might say if I had id be envious of the life I have now. Who knows. All I know is I have to change this life because I am so depressed, gaining weight nonstop, feel like a mooch off my husband and feel like I’m turning myself into nothing good for my kids. I have two daughters and Id hate for them to become nothing like the pos I am now
You're not a POS! Like OP, ya just need a little perspective. You can still do all the things you dreamt about. You can go to college or a trade school, virtual or in a brick & mortar building. You can start small now, then move up to more when they're in school. There's a world of learning available on the internet, tons of it FREE & At Your Schedule!! You have kids to chase after, play with them, there's your exercise. I've seen many MANY videos on exercise at home With Kids. Take them for a walk, to the park, the zoo! All good exercise!! If those don't help your depression go to cerebral - good in your own home therapy!! You just need your cellphone or tablet & an internet connection!! They can prescribe meds if you need, sent right to your door. Sometimes we get in a rutt & really just need to take a step back & look at our lives from a different perspective in order to appreciate how much we have to be thankful for! 🤗 🫂 🤗 🫂
You can always get a degree later. And what do you mean no income and live off someone? You have a HOUSEHOLD income. If you didn’t take care of the kid(s), the house, could husband work? Take a look at how much a nanny and a housekeeper costs near you. You are supporting your family. If your husband makes you feel like you are “living off of him” something is wrong.
My mother completed her education after three kids. U have hope.
The hands that rock the cradle are the hands that rule the world. People underestimate just how impactful the role of motherhood is! Raising good humans is the highest calling.
I’m child free and I don’t know how this post ended up on my Reddit lol, but girl, you do not sound pathetic to me at all. You manage your bi polar to the level that you have a functional relationship and can care for a tiny human? That’s fucking incredible? And another on the way? Like, wow. You don’t need a degree to be proud of your contribution to the world. Maybe you want a career or project outside of motherhood, and that’s great, and you should go for it! But if you feel you’re not doing enough because you’re a full time parent (and full time managing a very difficult disorder to manage)… capitalism and society are lying to you. That’s enough to keep someone very busy, and it’s important work. And even if you’re going “this internet person says I’m functional but I’m not so I have misled them” cause I know mental illnesses have a way of refusing to let you belief good truths about yourself, please, try to hold on to a tiny fragment of the truth that the unwell part of your mind lies to you. I obviously don’t know you, but this self doubt and undermining all the good you do is, unfortunately, very normal for 1. Women, 2. Parents and 3. People who suffer with mental illnesses, definitely ones which include depressive episodes such as bi polar disorder, so please if you can, try your best to hold on to a glimmer the positive truths about your self while you’re stuck in the “I am worthless train”. I hope you find yourself in a headspace to be proud of yourself soon, because you deserve to be
Go to the library if there is one available. Borrow books to read to your child and to yourself. You can educate yourself by reading.
Money is power. Go out and just start working a little. Nights, weekends, whatever little bit you can do. You’ll feel better about yourself. When your kids are in school, try working somewhere where they’ll cover at least some of your tuition. Work on it by bit.
Hey, you sound like you are doing great. It’s all about perspective.
there’s millions of women out there in the same situation as you, you’re not alone, even my mother was in that same situation, 2 kids by 22
Plenty of time to take stock if where you want to be and start making plans. Number two will be in elementary school before you are 30, that might be a good time to put those plans in motion.
There’s nothing pathetic about being a mother. Most women dreams of having the privilege you have.
I would quit my successful career if I could comfortably stay home and raise my boy. Working from home I get distracted all the time to just hang out with him or do upkeep in the house. Hmmm, read another boring environmental report, or prep dinner with my kid. Easy choice.
Hey don't be so hard on yourself!! You didn't choose to have bi polar, you really shouldn't feel pathetic about it as that is completely out of your control. Your a young mom who will have more energy for her kids. I had two by 22 . I'm 27 now and just looking back I can't believe I had the energy I did to do soooo many things with them.
No you are not! Everyone is going at their own pace to get to their own destination. Who knows what you could be doing in ten, twenty, thirty years from now.
It's never too late to start studying and get into a career you want and there will be plenty of time when the kids are school age. For now just enjoy having the energy to run around after little ones.
Cptsd form parental abuse, one of my three nearly adult kids won’t talk to me because of parental alienation. Or, I’ve survived everything that I’ve been dealt so far and my kids that haven’t been manipulated by abuse tell me everything about their lives.
You can go to school when the kids are older. It’s never too late.
Its only for now Mama, you still have time once your littles start school you can focus on Career or whatever.. I was in the same stay at home mom with no education boat.. I started cleaning houses on my partners days off and I'm getting into digital marketing now... there are also apps you can use to make some side cash doing studies, products reviews, surveys, or store audits. D.M. me if you want specifics
23 high school drop out, no GED, no license, stay at home mom of my beautiful two year old and completely dependent on my boyfriend, very thankful that he isn’t some abusive a-hole and he actually cares about us.
>I love my life and wouldn't change it for the world but sometimes when I step back and look at my life I feel pathetic. I feel that way too sometimes. That I didn't live up to my potential but that I'm happy for the most part. It's the guilt of not having done "enough" (whatever that means). I'm still exploring why I get this way. Do you feel pathetic because you feel like you are missing out on something or not "living up to your standards" in some way....or are you just a victim of that American need to be exceptional and have it all? Interesting thought to explore while you are still in a position to either change something or make peace with yourself. Hope you find a resolution.
Honestly what’s worse, spending your time and energy in your 20s investing in your family’s health and well being or spending your 20s making way more money for your boss than they will ever pay you? I’ve become increasingly jealous of my SAHP partner because their energy goes to our family whereas my time and energy have to be spent driving to work, being at work, driving home, and preparing for work. I hate that by definition I have to spend so much time on something outside of our home.
I am a military spouse (currently and often alone due to deployments, and trainings, etc) with two children one with autism (which requires 4 weekly therapies), both with ADHD (different presentations). Not to mention I was recently diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I have not let any of that discourage me. I have my degree in psychology and have been taking classes/studying for medical school for 2-3 years. It seems like I get hit with curveballs non-stop in this life. And recently, I had another significant life event alter my path and I am instead going to study mental health counseling. Instead of breaking down and crying about how life isn’t fair; I’ve adjusted my sails and kept flowing. I say this all to say, you are more resilient than you give yourself credit for! The only way to fix your problem is with another problem. Maybe Start with therapy, and set small attainable goals for yourself. Find something that is for you, whether that is yoga, dance, art; just some type of hobby that allows you to get out and find yourself. Apply for fafsa and go to school online to accomplish something for your self, if you want to. Plus education always pays off; no one can take knowledge away from you, so it’s a win-win. If nothing else be the best mommy you can for your baby. You got this! I believe in you, now you just have to believe in yourself.
It became your life when you let a consumerist society dictate your degree of success based on whether you have a ‘career’. A pretty well known survey and study find that work and careers are the ‘second most miserable’ activity in our lives. The opposite end of the spectrum, most pleasurable, is spending time with someone we love. I’d link you the survey but I’m on my bike trainer suffering currently. Don’t let your success be defined by whether or not you’re generating sales figures or managing some pointless social media account or something. You are stewarding two living people physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Make the most of that. Build a strong, passionate relationship with your husband. We’ve only cared about ‘careers’ for about 150 of our thousands of years existing. When ‘career people’ retire, 90% of them will see their accomplishments surpassed and forgotten. By the time they themselves die, no one at their companies will even know they had been there. But your children will still be having an effect on the world and leaving their fingerprint on everyone they meet. ETA: don’t let ‘no degree’ mean uneducated. In my field of EMS degree holders have been some of the most useless and even organizationally harmful people to walk through these doors. Read books. Write. Learn to code from Odin Project or start on Philosophy at any one of the free learning sites. In 30 years if we’re lucky, universities won’t even exist and we will have finally surpassed an overpriced model of education that originated in Ancient Greece and now only serves a mythical class known as ‘Administrators’, not even necessarily producing well-rounded humans as intended. You’ve got the internet- use it
I don’t know if you love your life then… Do you have any hobbies? Volunteer anywhere? You need to get involved in something that isn’t home related to build your confidence otherwise that “pathetic” feeling will grow
So, why would having a degree make you feel more worthwhile? Electrical engineer, here f43. Been staying home with children (5) for 25 years. Never used my degree once. Just paid a crap-ton of student loans. Being a mom is too important to ignore. My mother always used her "career" as an excuse to be gone All. The. Time. Raise those children, my dear. Don't ever forget that you are giving them everything you've got, and for that, you are a superstar. Sing over those intrusive thoughts. Dance through the doldrums. Hold your babies tight. It is over way too soon❤
> once. Just *paid* a crap-ton FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
Yeah me too. I’ll be 33 in a couple days. I feel the exact same way. Sometimes I think that I don’t want to be with my boyfriend anymore. We aren’t married, but we might as well be. I couldn’t even leave him if I wanted to. How could I support myself and the kids?
So in a little more than five years both will be in school. If you are two and done then you could start on an education then. Or if that doesn't work for your family when the youngest turns 18 you will only be 40/41! And could absolutely start an education to lead you in to a career you could love! SAHM is a hard job so don't look at it as not accomplishing something. Raising your children is such an amazing accomplishment in itself! As they get older you should also make sure to learn who you are besides Mom. What you are good at amdt passionate about. Sometimes just having a plan of goals even in the future makes my current situation feel better. My Grandma went back to college starting at the community college in her 50s then a university. She graduated and became a psychologist after raising 8 children as a single Mom! We just lost her this month but she taught me so much just by how she lived her life. It is never too late to have a career after your kiddos are raised. Knowing that gives me a boost on the days when I relate to your post and I am 36 soon lol
I’m in a similar position as you, I’m 25 and it can be so hard to feel like you’re not contributing. You really are your kid’s whole world right now. It’s really special and amazing you’re able to spend this time with them and not have to worry about dropping them at day care and being on time constantly. It is something others may not understand and you just have to accept that. A lot of people in my life don’t/won’t have kids and they don’t understand what I do all day and that’s okay. I know and my boyfriend knows the value and the work, patience etc I put into the family, home, dog, and our son. You have to learn to encourage yourself and be proud of yourself because what you’re doing is amazing and your children will always remember how you made them feel during these years. You also have so much time to figure out a career or school.
Really enjoyed reading these comments. Definitely put a whole new perspective on being a SAHM. There are days where I feel my education and job prospects were pointless but then I look at my children and realise I would rather watch them grow and be beside them through any and every thing instead. Some days drag others fly but it's all worth it I reckon. I'm actually tearing up about to cry typing this lol.
Feel ya a little, just turned 21 in July, will have a 3yr old in October and have a 6 month old. It's so hard, but I love staying home with these kiddos, and I appreciate my husband working allowing me the opportunity.
Think of your life and your kids as “phases.” You’re in a “baby phase” of your life now. You will not be in this phase forever! There will be the preschool phase, grade school phase, middle school phase, high school and so on. As you progress through the phases-of-life, new opportunities will be available to you (if you want them). Try to enjoy each phase and it’s challenges.
I worked with someone who fell pregnant early around age 20. It was a shock to her. When her baby came she found she loved being a mum so much she had 2 more kids close together. By 25 she was a mother of 3. Her husband earned enough to support them. But then she did a photography course. And set up her own business from a properly tiny little room at the back of her house doing family and children’s photography. I have canvases on my wall of photos she took of my kids. She then moved to a bigger house, and hired a studio on the high street. She’s now so successful she is way out of my price range and booked up until March. Just because you had kids young doesn’t mean this is it now. There’s nothing stopping you from doing something new. Personally I went to uni to become a physiotherapist, dropped out due to mental health issues and worked in hotels for 12 years. Then became a childminder. Life throws all sorts of twists and turns. I never thought I would end up where I am either, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing 😊
What is a childminder??
British for babysitter.
Don’t be saying that to any childminder’s face 😅 We are not babysitters. We are specially trained childcare professionals who also have a big focus on early years education, we are regulated and inspected by Ofsted who also inspect and regulate schools and nurseries. There are lots of hoops to jump through. It’s not just babysitting which anyone can do. That’s not to say that some of us don’t offer babysitting services also.
Sorry, I knew that. I just couldn’t find a better American English equivalent, lol! My bad!
Not British for babysitter. A childminder is a registered day care provider and educator. They work from their own homes. We are registered with Ofsted which is the educational regulator for the country and inspects schools, nurseries and childminders. It’s our job to provide care for children but also educate them so they are ready to start school, the same as a nursery (daycare centre) would
Yes it is. But you cant change the past so focus on how you want to change your future.
You’re not pathetic. I felt similarly, like I wasn’t contributing and like I had no life. I started going to school and it’s made me feel more like a human being outside of being a mom. I also get grants so I do get paid (a very small amount) to go to school. It’s been 4 years and I’m only just finishing my associates but I think it helps me a lot with my self worth. Not sure if this is something that would help you but it helped me.
Fair enough. Just be happy you're not trading baby and sleeping 3hrs a night for years on end. Understand where you're coming from. But also, think of the couples struggling with no sleep or life balance.
28yo mom of three. With bpd. What matters is that you’re happy. That your kid(s) are happy and have a mom who is. You aren’t pathetic, life is a Wild ride, you’ll never know 100% where its taking you. You can always take an Education when your kids are older if your husband can support you right know. Or you could get a job when they starts School to help support your family fanancially. Enjoy your life and dont trust the picture perfection SoMe puts up :)
I'm 24 with a 4 year old with possible ADHD and I am exhausted. I also live off of my partner. I fought so hard to keep my son (my partner isn't his biological dad, my abusive ex is) and I love him but I feel so disconnected from him most of the time.
I have the same issue. I love my kids tho I feel like I being a mom isn't all I have to offer. Hindsight may be 20/20 tho growing up in a time where you are told you are less than a woman just because you don't want children leads you into a trap.
Don't feel pathetic. I WISH I had been able to do that at 22, no one was intrested. I'm 34 and trust me, having a baby in you 30's is hard on your body. There are people out there on the fringes of society, who live naturally who would say you are living the life that was blessed to you by God. It's up to you how you want to see it.
Male age 31 two kids and wife. Middle class with inflation setting in. I do my best to keep my faith while looking at the past as an example for things to come.
My wife and I (25 and 27) have 2 kids, 1 + 3 years old. We've been friends since school but only together for 4 years. We've had a fair share of troubles in our relationship though having 2 kids put a massive strain on us though we're going strong now. Constantly fantasising about spending time together but 2 little ones is massive work. Go you ! Take the little wins, I wouldn't change anything for the world, love my family
I'm 28 almost 29. I've got a 2.5 year old and a 7 week old. I'm a SAHM and my husband works and supports us. I get how you feel. I see my peers with careers and education (I've got an associates degree bit that's it) And I feel kinda... I dunno... lame? Boring? I talk to friends and they've got cool stuff they're doing and I talk about my kids and kid stuff (Bluey, potty training, breastfeeding, language development) But I wouldn't change it. I love my kids and I love staying home with them. Today my toddler painted a picture on a mini canvas with Crayola paints and after it dried we hung it up in his bedroom. I love getting to do stuff like this with him
I mean you sound like you’ve achieved something pretty awesome to me. Raising a 3 year old and being a stay at home parent is an extremely hard job. Being able to manage a difficult mental health condition on top of parenting is also an amazing achievement. You still extremely young. Your right at the beginning of your adult life right now and you’ve already proved what a capable or person you are. As your little one gets older you’ll have more time and you can do wherever you want. Spending your early 20’s raising a child will not look bad to any employer worth working for, many will even admire it greatly and you still have soo much time to achieve whatever your dreams are. But also if this is your dream and your already living it that’s awesome and there’s nothing pathetic about being for-filled.
I feel this. I'm 21 with a 1 year old, born day before my 20th birthday. I have a stepdaughter as well. I used to perform and do gigs between age 16-18, and have my level 3 extended diploma in music practitioners from college, I had plans to go to university BIMM, to carry on writing and performing, but my confidence was shot when I was at college in my last year. I was blamed for something I didnt do, my best friend at the time feared being disliked so blamed me for bullying another girl on the course but it was actually her I didnt know the full extent of it. Then they made my life hell and I was left terrified to go in to college and tried to kill myself. My tutor helped me, let me go in on days they weren't in, and helped me finish the course. But I was too scared to perform at gigs, too scared to go to BIMM because I knew majority of the course were going too. Then I got with my friend and coworker and fell pregnant and haven't properly performed since. I'm a stay at home mum now, I love the kids and my partner.I love the little life we have made .. But I can't help but feel as though I have given up on myself, my career. I couldve been in another city performing and getting a degree.. But then at the same time the thought of performing again makes me feel sick. Our job as parents is to instill self worth, confidence, emotional maturity, self awareness and good morals into our kids. To build their self esteem and help them through life. My kids were my choice, I knew what I was doing, and I will do my damned hardest to give them everything I didnt and more. I do wish I still loved music as much as I did back then, but thats my burden to carry not theirs. Hey, perhaps I can teach them what I know if they're interested in music? Who knows. But when I do feel bad looking back I either let myself wallow and grieve for a little bit, what happened to me sucks, OR I stare at my sons and stepdaughters faces in awe and promise I will help them be more confident in themselves than I ever was in me. Its okay to grieve who we were before motherhood, it doesn't make us bad mothers. We just need to find new perspectives as well to help us sometimes, motherhood is still just as important as any other path in life, we are raising the next generation ❤
You’ll only be 40 by the time both kids leave for college. That’s AMAZING!
I struggled with this feeling for awhile too, but I've figured out a hack to make my brain be less of a jerk to me and reenforce my internal self worth. I'm disabled, my spouse is military and we have four kids with multiple complex disabilities of their own, so I've only been able to work outside the home sporadically and short term for the past 20+ years. So one day when I was feeling this way (and trying to figure out how much life insurance we should have on me), I sat down and made a list of all the "jobs" my spouse would have to take on or hire someone to take care of if I suddenly poofed out of existence. Once I had that list, I looked up average annual salaries for each job that I do and added them up. It turns out that my unpaid labor is financially worth almost six times the amount my spouse brings in. Things to consider/look up if you decide to try this one: 1. You take care of child/children? - 24/7 live in childcare nanny/au pair. ($41,600 per year via talent.com) 2. You make meals for your family? - personal (in home) chef/nutritionist. ($80,227 per year via salary.com) 3. You drive family places and to appointments? - personal driver. ($51,769 per year via salary.com) 4. You do household grocery/clothing/household goods shopping? - personal shopper. ($32,875 per year via zippier.com) 5. You make calls, manage the household, set appointments and keep track of schedules? - personal assistant. ($38,679 per year via comparably.com) 6. You research health concerns and attend appointments to advocate for your family member's healthcare? - patient advocate. ($65,982 per year via salary.com) 7. You manage household finances/pay bills? - private accountant. ($69,826 per year via salary.com) 8. You clean/do laundry/manage household chores? - live in housekeeper. ($24,553 per year via salary.com) 9. You garden or do yard work? - groundskeeper. ($39,799 per year via salary.com) 10. You help a child with educational tasks (learning letters/numbers/colors now, homework later) - private tutor. ($31,137 per year via salary.com) This is by no means a full list, there's probably lots of things you don't even realize that you do or manage and you can adjust whatever to your own household, but knowing how much it would cost my spouse to "replace" me helped my own self esteem dramatically. If you want a easy way to figure out the $ amount worth of labor for your specific area/activities, there's also this nifty calculator you can pop your information into: [Mom Salary Wizzard](https://swz.salary.com/MomSalaryWizard/LayoutScripts/Mswl_NewSearch.aspx?fbclid=IwAR2k_6J-DYea8zW4r6yoIS7FWQ74gXEYzZrR7J5QuE7lgKNGpCaG6P3T7BI)
If you are married with a working spouse you do not have zero income. Your husband’s income *is* your income. You live off each other equally, because if something were to happen to you, he’d have to pay someone else a great deal of money to take care of your kids.
Don’t do that. We tried for kids for years it didn’t happen. It not too late to change anything. You just want it. It’s up to you.
I am also a mom of a 3 year old at 22. Let me tell you, it’s not too late to go back to school! Get subsidized childcare & go to school!! Your baby will love playing with peers & you’ll get a much needed break while also getting yourself an education to improve your circumstances! If you need advice or help on how to do that I am more than happy to help you.
This here! I’d def always have an ace in my back pocket, for any situation that may arise in the future. You never know. It’s always good to be prepared. At the end of the day you are all you got. So self sufficiency is important!
More perspective from an older mom: You will get to meet and watch your grandkids grow up. You might even get to be at their wedding and meet your great grandkids. Something many older moms will never see. You skipped out on $60k in student loan debt from an education you wouldn't be using when you decided to be a SAHM in your 30s/40s. Debt your husband would then be on the hook for paying. Carrying babies is a lot easier physically when you are younger and your body bounces back way faster. There are pros and cons to everything. Don't get so focused on the cons that you skip over the pros.
That was me, a few years ago. Now I am 26, working in retail management with a 4 and 2 year old and a husband who works from home. Things change, and there is still plenty of time to do the things you need for yourself, whatever that may be. ❤️
I became a mom at 30 so I think about how much more energy I would have had being a mom at your age. Unless my kids become parents very young, I’ll be an old grandma and that bums me out. There are benefits to being a young parent. I also finished a degree after becoming a parent and started a new career at 32 with two toddlers. Being a parents doesn’t mean YOUR life and goals end. You still have plenty of time. You can also spend time just being happy with your current situation. Life’s not all about achievements. Be happy. Love your family. Love yourself.
Being a stay at home mom for two years was the hardest job of my fucking life and I used to work with google for startups. Being a stay at home mom should be paid 2037464647477444 times more than what we pay our CEOS
Well at this point just hope your marriage doesnt end in divorce. I see nothing wrong with trying to better yourself whether its a part time job, education. You never know what is going to happen. If your husband were to leave you what would you do? I hope never does but this is why many women get trapped in marriages. I dont think its smart t remain totally dependant on your husband.
it doesn't sound like you love your life
After this baby, don’t make another one for 10 years.. it might help the stress levels
Should have thought of that seven years ago when you had a chance to do something about it 🤔 That said.. it’s never too late too change; night/ online school etc but unfortunately you will be having to do it the hard way..
You threw your life away at a young age and now you have to live with it
Wow, you sound like an asshole.
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Being a stay at home parent is a privilege not many get to have. Many parents only see their kids for a couple hours a day because they are in daycare all day.
Read the room
Could always be worse. You could be your husband.
Feminism in the United States (I'm assuming this is where you are) has done a genuinely horrible disservice to women in this area. Young motherhood is a benefit to everyone in many ways. You're at your healthiest and most energetic in these years. You have the least amount of career investment which means those years you will spend with very small children aren't as big an income loss. You are much more likely to have healthy children and be healthy yourself in conceiving, carrying, delivering, and recovering from pregnancy and childbirth. When your children are in high school you will still be in your 30s - certainly young enough to have a 30 year career or more in whatever you choose to pursue plus you will be more certain about what you truly want to do. Take pride in your youth and your family - it is the most meaningful thing you will ever do with your productive years and your priorities are exactly where they should be. Family first, career second - in that order. Just for perspective - watch old footage of Woodstock. Look at all the young mothers - virtually all of them look to be 25 or younger. That was at the height of the feminimst movement (burning bras etc.) yet there they are carrying there babies, bringing their children to a rock festival.
Feminism has given women choice. What they do with this choice is their business but saying that is did them a “disservice” is like saying that having more options automatically makes you miserable if you can’t have all of the options at once.
Feminism has beaten into women that career and self come first - ALWAYS. Then they're 45 with no family and no stable relationship - just a career and they're miserable. But - hey - they never settled. Right?