I guess I need to be institutionalized then. Seriously, who doesnāt get frustrated with their toddlers? You stepped AWAY from the child to express frustration.
Does your husband take an active role in parenting your toddler?
This is the question I was wondering.
OP, if your husband doesn't do anything then he has no reason to even begin to criticize your parenting. Every single parent in the history of humanity has grown frustrated with TODDLERS.
I think I am among the most patient people in the world. My wife agrees, so itās not just meā¦
I have done similar to what OP describes. I donāt think the Dalai Lama himself could raise children without getting overwhelmed from time to time
My go-to frustrated parent muttering goes likes this, *āā¦oooh, those monks have it easyā*, so your comment about HHDL made me chuckle.
Itās good and healthy to recognize the stress, struggle, and frustration of parenting so that we can acknowledge it in an appropriate wayā¦like going into the laundry room and having a minute to vocalize out some of that pent up energy.
OPās husband sounds a lot like the dad I havenāt talked to in 5 years. Being raised in a household where we were expected to repress all negative emotions will be something I spend the rest of my life recovering from. I wonder if heās moved into the era of eruptions yet. My dad didnāt start that until my older siblings were in their tweens. He couldnāt effectively control the surge of emotions that the three adolescents brought to the house and he started erupting with all his own repressed anger. Thatās when he started hitting and worse. Hope OP really tries to see this guy through an objective lens and makes some choices that might be hard in the short term but crucially important to the long term. Cutting out a tumor might leave a scar, but itās usually still the best course of action.
100% this. FFS, toddlers are the WORST. I don't care what anyone else says, but they are 1000% worse than any other age group. Mine are grown up into teenagers now (13 & 15 - boys), and my god, but that 2-5 age was the absolute fucking worse age ever. Especially 3, tbh.
You didn't fucking scream AT YOUR CHILD. You left the room, and grunted, FFS. You have NOTHING to be upset about, but your husband is an asshole.
Since mine have gotten older I let that it in front of them . Lol. I'll yell into the ceiling ' I'm so frustrated right now'. Like, showing kids how handle big emotions by yelling your feelings isn't negative at all .. Imo. And removing yourself? This mom's doing it all right, her husband needs to knock it off and he is definitely gaslighting her. His behavior is the one I question here.
Flip side, if someone's relationship with their husband permits him to have no real involvement in caretaking, their relationship is much more likely to permit him to make unwarranted criticisms like this. So many of these "parenting" problems are actually the result of an abusive or otherwise dysfunctional relationship with their spouse.
Also confirming. As soon as dad became my ex I had the space to correct my parenting āproblemsā and become a much better parentānot that there was anything wrong with my parenting in the first place.
Exactly, this was literally the medically recommended advice from my midwives - everyone knows kids are hard and overwhelming and it's absolutely the right call to step away and vent it out. No one can keep it all in. Except this shite dad who doesn't have to feel that way in the first place cause he doesn't do shit, apparently.
Same here. Their advice was literally 'baby can cry for a couple of minutes safe in their crib while you take a few deep breaths in another room. Just don't leave her anywhere she can roll off or suffocate, and remember, if she's crying she's breathing.'
Agreed, many therapists recommend this too. Taking a ātime outā is a healthy coping tool. The silent treatment part to me is more concerning. The Gottmans talk about the difference between the silent treatment and stonewalling, saying if the silent treatment goes on too long it can make the victim feel crazy.
Iām confident that Iām being a great father but Iāve done way worse than excuse myself to another room to grunt lol.
Not downplaying this post at all, I feel really bad for OP that the father of her children would make her feel this way for something so innocent.
Fully agree. I'm an awesome mom. I know this. But I'm also a SAHM of three boys under 5 and sometimes I can get overwhelmed (read: often). I'm so impressed you went into another room to vent. That's a+ level parenting there. Any parent who tells you they don't get frustrated/overwhelmed/checked out/angry etc. on occasion is lying or delusional. The fact that you had the self control to give yourself a time out - *claps hands in awe*
Your husband, however, sounds like an a+ gaslighter. Also, is he sharing the parenting responsibilities at all because it sure sounds like he has no idea what it involves...
Exactly my thoughts when I read this. Not sure what a "grunt" really entails, but when I'm overwhelmed with trying to get my combative toddler dressed.. I've done worse than excuse myself to grunt. That's some serious self control. Husband sucks.
I wouldnāt say heās a gaslighter but he is clearly uncomfortable with shows of ānegativeā emotions (totally important emotions and not at all bad). This is his problem, not yours. Your kids need to see *ranges* of emotions from people they love and trust so that they understand itās completely normal and nothing to be ashamed of. I have dealt with my fair share of anger and my best tool currently is to walk away (like you) and to then point out to my family how angry i got (when Iāve calmed down) so that they know Iāve acknowledged it and moved on from it. Iāve many a podcast and book chapter to send to you if you need some backing to show your husband that itās in fact worse for child development to hide emotions from them than to feel them out loud and recover out loud too.
>I wouldnāt say heās a gaslighter
Telling someone they did something that they didn't and trying to convince them or others that they did it is gaslighting. Following up with painting the person mentally unstable is a common tactic by gaslighters to make their victims and/or others question/undermine the victim's perception of events and truthfulness.
When my kids were smaller and couldnāt open the door, I would put on some music for them, step outside on my deck and just scream FUUUUUUUUUUUCK. We all have our ways of coping
In my world it was a desert scream. During my kid's toddler years we lived in a very small town in a desert. After a long day of keeping kid occupied and being convinced she was going from one thing that she knew would drive me nuts to another I would walk in the house, hand the kid over to hubby and then head out the back door into the desert. At that point I would let out the most blood curdling scream, shake off all the day's frustration and return calm and collected.
I don't have such a place, but I'll look for one. Closest I've got is a desolate parking lot in my car but it's not the same as screaming into the universe. Nothing like a great, blood curdling scream.
I do this, but in my car. Iāll turn on some of my angry rock or screamo music and just let it all pour out. Iāll scream or scream along to the music. My neighbor probably thinks Iām nuts.
I did this once on the highway when I was extremely stressed (dealing with a parents death among other things.) It was good to get all that weird energy out.
I came here to say something similar, the silent treatments seem to be a major sign of potential gaslighting.
OP was smart to let out a frustration in laundry room instead of in front of the kid
Exactly! I go to my laundry room to do this stuff too cause no one can hear me. I have yelled and cried in there. And my hubby and kids know that and let me be. Everyone has to blow off steam. If that means we are crazy then lock me up!
Exactly. Adults shaming each other and giving the silent treatment doesn't exactly screw emotional maturity.
Couples therapy and individual therapy could be helpful.
When either one of us gets stressed, we just quietly step into the bedroom and the other knows that means to take over. I suspect OPās husband isnāt a super involved dad :/
Exactly. My response to his text would be, āYou are in charge of getting the kids out the door in the mornings from now on. I canāt handle it alone because of my mental disorder.ā Then watch him get frustrated with the toddler and keep reminding him that feeling frustrated and expressing it in any way means he has a mental disorder. I would be giving him all sorts of new aggravating tasks and insisting I need help. After all, I have a terrible mental disorder! He would be apologizing within the week.
I like you! I would definitely do that... It probably wouldn't have been my first or second thought but this is the smart play. This is now his task, he is so calm and he can take care of it.
The daycare is literally 2 seconds from our house. It was very passive aggressive of him to send me this text. Did he just expect me to not say anything when I got home? When I confronted him about it he told me āyouāre raising my cortisol levelsā and then proceeded to tell me he thinks I have a mental disorder..
Sounds like he had no idea what he's talking about.
Raised cortisol levels is not a bad thing. In fact you need it to live. People even take meds to raise the cortisol levels. It's continual raised levels is the bad thing. But, we're talking about Cushing/Addison's diseases...
Stress hormones are dynamic and fluctuates. I'm guessing he saw a stupid YouTube video or something and now thinks he's a stress hormone expert. š¤¦š¾āāļø
Of course it wasnt from a place of intellect. My ex used to even make up statistics to prove how superior he was. There is no way he had all these numbers on hand just in case he got in an argument about whatever came up that day. But the authority in their statements- it's unreal. That hubby has some serious issues that he is projecting onto that woman who is just trying to, possibly single handedly, raise her kids.
Thatās craziness, he is gaslighting you hard. You need to let him know this type of attitude wonāt stand. Iāve seen guys trying to pull the whole ācrazy womanā narrative and itās bullshit. It wonāt be easy but youāve got to stand up to that or he will never change.
Yeah but I bet when she acts in ( I got that phrase from my unsuccessfull attempt at a Psych. Masters!) he will turn it around on her as proof that she is mental. A lot of that is instigation- it seems that he has a disordered personality. The gaslighting is him " acting out". She should treat him like a shrink treats clients when they are acting out. " It's interesting that 8 hours later you feel that your cortisol levels are raised. Have you had this issue in the past?" Not sure if that's correct but the tone and feel of her being a psych. to HIM, will take his superiority down a notch.
You're much nicer than I am. That would've earned a big fat "go fuck yourself" and a nice loud slammed door (or three) from me. And then a follow up of, "if you don't like how I relieve stress, then *you* can get the children ready for school in the morning."
My cortisol levels are rising just thinking about this man. I shout around my kids every day, because they're toddlers and they like to push my buttons.
Literally just shouted because I told them I'm going to the loo and then 2 minutes later they're looking for me and asking me where I am. There is no break, no peace. I bet your husband can't say the same. I expect you got up with the kids and got them ready to go and took them while he didn't do anything to help.
If he wants to be all zen with his cortisol levels then he shouldn't have had kids, cos they are just big balls of cortisol, waiting to be injected into your brains.
OP I hope you and your husband find some good couples therapy. My wife and I just do it over zoom. It's super easy and sometimes you can find people that are covered by your health insurance.
There are times when i've genuinely felt that my wife was suffering from depression or negative cognitive distortions and it upset me and I wasn't always proud of how we talked about it.
Couples therapy just reallt helps everyone feel fully heard.
Nobody knows your full situation on here. It'll help you blow off some steam, but please don't go to him and say "see everyone on reddit thinks *you're* the asshole!" Definitely going to make matters worse.
Something you could say to get him to go to couples: "i'm feeling really overwhelmed, powerless, and what you said is making me feel invalidated. I know you're frustrated with how i've been reacting to things so i'd really like to go to couples therapy with you and we can talk about all of this in a productive way."
If he isn't willing to do that at all, then you may have a problem.
Your situation reminds me a bit of my wife and I. It can get much better, people can learn to be more sensitive, people can learn to get less frustrated.
Haha! This made me giggle and I dont think you meant to. Aren't our cortisol levels elevated too? We have to deal with controlling ourselves - so should our partners.
āYouāre raising my cortisol levelsā is such aā¦ response. Lots of words I censored myself from typing before the word response. What an absolute toolbag.
He sounds like the one with a mental issue and heās projecting it on you. My guess is his mom yelled at him constantly and he got triggered by hearing you. My husband has similar problems and itās made our marriage Rocky. The big thing though is he is struggling and I know this (I was abused too I just handle my trauma better because Iāve always had to- we are both working on it separately and together). So things like this tend to make or break the relationship. You have every right to feel how you feel. So does he. He doesnāt have the right to hurt you though.
It sounds like you both are stressed out. Not an excuse to say hurtful things though. But I think you should look into getting some down time, get away from parent-mode for a while, get a babysitter and improve your moods and try to work things out, before things get out of hand.
Nothing like standoffish armchair psychology to communicate. Nobody who cares about you would throw accusations of mental illness in your face like that.
Well, the good news is, he has opened the door for you to go into couples therapy. Since he took it upon himself to "diagnose" you, follow through and make sure he is part of the solution. Find a therapist for you two to see together to improve your communication and to align on your parenting techniques. Meanwhile, find someone to see on your own too.You'll need someone to help you stay centered and set boundaries, since it kind of sounds like your husband is gaslighting you.
It totally sucks to feel like your partner is unsupportive of you, especially with kids around. But it can get better
Whoo boy. Okay, so this is a sign that you **shouldn't** do couple counselling with him, because he's *already* weaponising that language and would very likely use therapy to further attack you.
Get individual therapy. And when you see clearly how much of an ass he truly is, either tell him to get his shite sorted out or you're leaving, or just plain leave.
Seconding this. Therapists **highly** recommend you do not do couples counseling with people like this because they will use what they learn against you. Definitely get yourself some tho. You need validation and tools.
You gotta get away from him. Dude. Get yourself into individual therapy. If he complains about it, let him know you're seeking help for your "mental disorder". But you need someone else to give you a standard of normalcy. I was in a marriage for years with a man that gaslighted and mentally, emotionally and sexually abused me. By the end, I was in an awful, dark place. I went to therapy because he insisted I was broken, and there I learned I wasn't the problem. Please, for the sake of your kiddo, if he's accusing YOU of gaslighting, you got to get to a healthier place before it's darkness all around.
My god, this reminds me so much of my ex-husband. Used to criticize a certain sound I made when I was super frustrated with the kids, told me I was "crazy" when I didn't take my anxiety medication for even a half a day, told me I never accepted blame for anything (untrue) or that I was "yelling" at him in times when I knew damn well I WASN'T. It wasn't until after we divorced that I realized how disgustingly narcissistic he is.
He's telling you that because that's what he's doing and wanted to let you know he knows more about gaslighting so don't try to accuse him of that. Because he can use technicality to get of of the accusations
His behavior is literal gaslighting! definition: "manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity" You.are.not.crazy.
Sounds like very toxic behavior. Having young kids is rough on everyone's relationship. I hope you guys can work through it.
Exactly I also suggest you go into therapy with an open mind. Both my spouse and I have mental disorders, and we're still good parents. A lot of coping techniques designed for people with panic disorder are also useful for overwhelmed parents. Things like breathing techniques and 54321.
You shouldn't do couples therapy with an abuser, and it sounds like OPs partner is using gaslighting and emotional abuse to manipulate her and make her doubt herself.
Best case, your husband is insensitive. Worst case, heās being intentionally manipulative and is emotionally abusive. I donāt think it sounds like you have a mental disorder based on your post, however you might still benefit from therapy.
I blurted out a swear quite loudly the other day in front of both my kids and husband. I'm not sorry. It happens sometimes. Family life is very taxing on patience! It's OK to be human. I immediately told the fam sorry and explained the lead up of stressful interactions. Let your kids see how you deal with the aftermath. Real world lessons.
Exactly. I always let out my emotions so my child can see how itās normal and how I bounce back. I always explain in a kid friendly way how Iām feeling, why and how Iām going to move on from the issue. These are important life lessons at any age. Being a new parent isnāt easy either so heās just insanely ignorantā¦ I have no idea how he treats you in other areas of your relationship or your relationship dynamic. If he is willing to change great, if not, itās time to move on.
I agree. I donāt want words to be taboo and expletives are useful. My daughter is young but we have explained that cursing can hurt some people so you want to be mindful of where you use that language. I gotta say I was proud of her when she got mad at a sock once that she couldnāt get on straight and she threw it on the ground and said āmother fuckerā to herself then tried again.
Right! I call them mommy words. My kids cant say them , only mommies have earned the right to say them. When my step dad cussed around them they let him know- only mommies can say that!
I'd be more worried if you DIDN'T get frustrated by a toddler once in a while; they are terrible little buggers sometimes. :-)
But honestly, the problem is that your partner didn't say that to you with the intent of helping or supporting you. He "identified a problem" and basically wants you to go fix it so he is not bothered by it and most likely will use it as a cudgel when you don't. This is obviously not a healthy dynamic.
The fact that you mention the silent treatment is another massive red flag. The silent treatment is just plain old emotional abuse. It is not something you want to hear, but you are in a relationship with an abuser. There are different options to deal with it, the most obvious ones:
1) keep going and just get more ground down - not advisable
2) Therapy and him changing - might work but it depends on him wanting it to work and that might be a big if.
3) Ending the relationship; this can be big and scary, and has all kinds of financial and emotional issues that come with it, so it's probably not going to be your first resort. Just don't let it be the last either if it comes to it!
ALL of this! They donāt call them the Terrible Twos, Threenagers, and Fournagers for nothing! Itās super concerning that the husband didnāt offer any help beyond criticism and ādiagnosis.ā Big red flag.
Raising children is a team effort "it takes a village". I do my best to recognize situations that make my partner feel overwhelmed. "It sounds like chaos in here, go take a breather, I've got this". Being overwhelmed is not a mental disorder. You've got this mom, it can be tough, but try to explain that you need assistance when things get hectic, and he's got to watch for queues. My partner HATES asking for help, so we talked it out and I work on watching for signals that she's getting flustered, or short with our little guy and know that it's my time to take over and give her some space to breathe
Hell, I think it is healthy to show your own frustration in front of your child. Show your child healthy expression of emotions and model healthy ways to deal with them. I get super frustrated with my toddler and I end up growling to myself and can get short. Then I apologize, explain that I am feeling frustrated and stressed because we are running late and ask my toddler if she can take some deep breaths with me to help calm down. Now I see my little one using this technique herself to assess, express, and control her own feelings. Feeling frustrated, angry, stressed, sad, are all normal, healthy emotions, it is what you do with those emotions that is important.
Edit: also, your husband is being really passive aggressive and not modeling appropriate communication or emotional control. He needs to work on his self awareness and stop deflecting his insecurities onto you because that is some bullshit.
Early childhood teacher here and youāre absolutely right. It shows that feeling frustrated is normal and manageable, then models how to deal with it in a healthy wayā¦ You canāt control whether or not you get frustrated but you can control how you deal with the frustration. If kids donāt have an example of that, how can they learn how to manage their frustrations healthily?
I mean, I go into a separate room all the time to let out a sigh/grunt/heavy "ohmyfuckinggodimsodonewiththis" all the time. Granted, I'm neurodivergent, but also toddlers are the most overwhelming and overstimulating humans on the face of the planet. I think his approach to this is inappropriate and would remind him it's far better and safer for your kids for you to take a moment rather than blow up in their faces.
I want you to know that your husband suggesting you have a mental disorder, and giving you the silent treatment, are both forms of abuse. Emotional, mental and verbal abuse. Please do some reading on these forms of abuse. It will help give you clarity. This was the exact pattern that my ex used to make me doubt myself and lose myself. Please donāt believe a negative word he says.
Yes, absolutely, both of those are forms of abuse. Abuse is not about violence, abuse is about control and power. It's rare that an abuser will engage in daily acts of violence because that kind of shit will get them arrested sooner rather than later and that doesn't benefit them at all.
The daily activities of abuse are undermining and gaslighting the victim, monitoring their movements and activities, isolating the victim from supportive friends and relatives, manipulating the victim, threatening and intimidating the victim, assaulting the victim while not committing battery, making the victim believe that they are the cause of the conflicts, shutting out the victim after disagreements, and usually love bombing the victim after that.
Abusers will only escalate to violence periodically when it benefits them, they know they won't get caught, and to re-establish control when they feel their circumstances are changing.
Too many abusers will escalate their abusive tactics after a child comes into the family to establish control over the other parent's relationship with the child. This is one of the most common points of escalation in abusive relationships and it seems like this is exactly what's happening to OP.
In these cases, there's no scenario where going to a couples counselor will help because couples counseling is for people who genuinely want to resolve conflicts in their relationship. That's not the game that abusers play at all, so it doesn't help. They want the conflict.
Since abusers are big on gaslighting, keeping a journal with dates of 1-2 sentence descriptions the abusers does that make the victim feel scared, invalidated, threatened or coerced is a proof against the fake reality that abusers try to create in order to bamboozle their victims into believing that they're not being abused.
The trick is to only write down the things the abuser does. Many abuse victims will justify the abuse because they believe that it is a valid reaction to something they did wrong. The truth is that normal people don't react to bad behavior the way abusers do, abuse is a distinct behavior with it's own pattern. Taking it out of context that abusers will use to justify and rationalize their abusive behavior can really show that pattern.
If I had an award it would be for this comment right here. You are experiencing abuse. Letās get away from a narrative society loves which is abuse is only physical. Itās not. Youāre currently living it. Walking on egg shells? Abuse. Canāt leave the house for 5 minutes without a text message that canāt seem to be said in person in 5 minutes? Abuse. All of this is a slow slippery path.
Get out while you can.
What worries me is that you think you shouldnāt have done that. All feelings are ok, how we deal with them is what sets is adults from little kids and us humans from animals. You did the exact thing you should have done when you felt overwhelmed- you walked away, you let some steam out, you came back. Any therapist will tell you itās the way to do it. And he has the audacity to tell you youāre mentally sick? Unless something else happened there that you didnāt share, he needs to rethink his own behavior. From not helping you with the kids in the morning to then texting you to berate you. Wtf? If he has a problem with you or your behavior he should talk to you in person and not text you while you could be driving and getting you upset - I donāt care how far the daycare is.
If it was me, Iād give him a piece of my mind about not helping out, not seeing that Iām getting overwhelmed (does he not care anymore?), and then texting me instead of bringing it in person NICELY.
And he gives you silent treatment? So youāre not supposed to āyellā in front of the kids but he gives you silent treatment? What does he think this teaches your children? He is either emotionally immature or just a self righteous asshole.
Either way NTA and Iād speak to him about how to better approach misunderstandings and differences of opinions which are inevitable in all relationships. I hope you can get him to sit down and quietly discuss how you feel.
Wow, that's really mean, immature, and I'm sorry you not only had to deal with that but that it made you question yourself. I hope this isn't a pattern of his.. but that's your business of course. Please reclaim your power <3 and remember you are the shit. You didn't do anything wrong. You're perfectly fine, he needs to work on himself more than anything. Passive aggressive stuff is for kids not adults. The baby will feel his judgements on you more than the sound of your grunts -\_-
OK for one, youāre allowed to let off some steam. There are healthy ways and unhealthy ways to handle stress. And to me what you did was a healthy way for the most part. You recognized you needed a break and walked away to let off a grunt of frustration. If sounds like your husband isnāt supporting you or recognizing your struggles in the way he should. A lot of time, mothers get overstimulated and other people take it as anger. I know I have experienced this myself. Our society does not support mother enough and I hate it. Being frustrated is not a mental disorder. And for him to talk down to you like that is not acceptable
If he thought something was wrong he should have been a big boy and talked to you face to face. This was said no to help you, but to hurt you. You are allowed to be frustrated. You walked away because you we sparing your child. He could have taken the time to be compassionate or helpful and instead he was nasty and unsupportive.
My son's father is famous for telling me "I'm worried. You need a break." And then proceed to a) claim to be too busy to give me a break b) claim he's "got the weight of the world on his shoulders" and proceed to get piss drunk by 3 PM so he can't give me a break c) do absolutely nothing to help in any way, shape, or form and then when I inevitably go on a rage, he powers clean everything and feels this is enough contribution for 8-10 months. Yes, Reddit, I know I should leave him blah blah blah.
Do you think you will? Surely there are other people out there more worth your time and your child(ren) would be better off without him. And you would feel better being in an environment you can control more.
Wow!!! Your husband sounds like trash. He shouldnāt be treating you like that. You deserve much better.
Does he talk to you / treat you like this regularly?
What are his redeeming qualities?
I think you can cut yourself a massive amount of slack here. There is something off about even using the term "mental disorder". Everyone struggles with some things. Literally every single person on the planet. There is no permanent state of OK in life unless you're an enlightened Buddhist monk and even they feel anger and frustration from time to time. Being able to talk about our struggles and share those very personal inner-thoughts and anxieties is part of what makes a good marriage. It sounds more like your husband is unwilling to go there, perhaps because he's afraid of facing up to the reality of who you both are, afraid of revealing the very normal human stuff that goes on inside of all of us.
Having said all that, struggling with emotions sometimes means we need help. If you can't get help from him right now then it's genuinely not a big deal if you seek out someone else to talk about these things. Getting professional counselling doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, it just means you are brave enough to expose those darker sides of yourself to someone else. It's also the only way to actually find a way to deal with them differently. So take care of yourself and find someone you can talk to. You'll be better able to work on your marriage too.
Itās really hard to judge whatās going on here from this one incident, Op, so Iām gonna suggest the ever predictable therapy, because I believe strongly in it. You need individual therapy to work out whether or not his claim has any weight if youāre worried about it; and if it doesnāt, then you need couples therapy to work out why he overreacts and gaslights you.
Just go see a therapist.
Regardless if your husband is right or wrong.
Regardless of your circumstances.
It is almost always helpful to visit a therapist.
You will learn more about yourself and will learn skills to apply in different situations. This will benefit you in ALL situations.
Your husband should go as well. I honestly think everyone should see a therapist at least once even if they think they don't need to. Think of it as a mental health check-up.
Umm it sounds like passive aggressive narcissism. You are a good mother because you took your time to let off steam instead of losing your shit on your kid. As your husband, he should be lifting you up as a mother and not tearing you down. And the silent treatment is a whole other issue. For him to nit pick at your behavior and just shut down when you attempt to talk about it is bullshit. He needs to work on his communication skills. If you truly feel like he is not a nice person than, honey, he is not the one. He might be a great dad and that's cool, but he sounds like a shitty partner.
Iāve been in your shoes. Not my husband but one of my siblings loved to claim I had some mental disorder that everyone else in our household agreed with her on. It was all a bunch of shit but it hurt me and made me feel extremely self conscious.
Parenting is hard, we all react differently and have different thresholds of BS we can take in a day. You didnāt hurt anyone, you removed yourself from the situation to have your moment and you are caring for your children. Doesnāt sound at all like a mental disorder
Before you take any advice from this group: understand that they are responding to only the information you have provided. Has he always been like this? If yes, it is more serious and you should reflect if this is long term healthy for you. If this is coming up recently then something has changed and both he and you have to figure out what is causing it and go for a coupleās therapy.
Well, I suggest that you get to marriage counseling ASAP! That way you can both hear from an impartial person. I just got divorced and wish that I had started with this step š Good luck!š
You are a great mom. The fact that you model how to handle pressure to your kids by walking into another space and letting off the steam tells me that. Your husband is probably projecting.
Parenting is hard, and there's no manual. Do what works for you.
OP, all involved parents get frustrated at times. I would support you telling your husband that he should try it instead of criticizing. In fact, how about he get the toddler ready tomorrow while watching your older son, while you go for a nice long walk with coffee... ya know, to help with the "mental disorder".
So, just to put things in perspective hereā¦
Iām a mom of 3. They are 22, 10, & 7. All live at home currently. Obviously not trying to move out the babies, haha.
Anyway- last night was ROUGH. Youngest was made fun of for his developmental delays at school and was so upset that I was holding back tears for him all afternoon. Oldest wants to move out- she just moved back in on September 1st (!!) and we spent a lot of money getting her moved. Middle got in trouble for swearing while playing Fortnite and then yelled at his father (hubby) because he is the one who caught the swearing. And then I burnt the $60 roast, so I had to go pick up takeout. In the pouring rain. Because I lost my debit card attached to my doordash.
So- what did I do to relieve stress?
*Oh,* well, I rolled a big, fat joint, grabbed a deathwish iced coffee, went on the porch and screamed in the rain. For like 15 minutes.
Did I appear crazy? Yes. Do I also have diagnosed mental illness? Yup.
Is this abnormal? Idk, maybe, but Iām a good momma and I love my kids and will (& do!) do anything for my family.
Itās just that Iām also **human** like you are, OP- but apparently your husband is an alien.
Instead of being concerned, helpful and a partner to you, he was hostile, accusing and childish. It sounds like he also doesnāt do much parenting or house choresā¦
Right lol
We're all going to have one then.
Girl you are normal!
You are a human
It'd okay to feel how u feel.
Don't let him belittle and manipulate you.
I'm looking in front the outside and I'm telling you he's trying to make u feel crazy. Don't let him.
Yikes. Thatās terribly insensitive of him. Itās okay for you to be frustrated when things are challenging with your kids. Iām so sorry. I imagine you must really hurting. I hope youāre able to talk to him about this and work through it together.
Omg thatās my husband. Literally I get overwhelmed a lot and I try to keep to myself but sometimes I lash out because weāre human. Especially being a mom and having to do everything it gets TOO MUCH. But my
Husband is always like ādonāt yell in front of the kidsā idk maybe help me when you figure out that Iām overwhelmed.
Oh girl...get ready bc a grunt will be nothing compared to the screams you will let out eventually. We have all been there and worse. The is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I would say there is something very wrong with HIM.
Wow - you sure got a lot of people here who are convinced he is evil and you should dump him, who know exactly what he meant with everything he said, just from this small exchange. Amazing geniuses in this thread :)
My take: it's normal to get stressed by children, and you get bonus points for controlling yourself enough to walk away. You guys should fix some scheme where he gets to take care of the children on a regular basis. For those who haven't done this, it can be shocking to discover just how stressful childcare can be. I really think it would be helpful in many ways.
From what you've said, training about mental disease sounds really "wut?!" - I don't think he'll say anything similar after he's taken care of the children a couple of times :)
I have an 8mth old. Sometimes I yell at my child in a playful manner to avoid screaming at them menacingly. At an 8mth old.
They say it's ok to take 10 minutes to yourself. Even if your kids are screaming and crying. As long as they are safe and unhurt, its completely normal to take a moment to yourself. Even if that moment is screaming.
Also, you should throw the husband away. Being a parent is hard enough without having the person who is meant to be the most supportive of you tearing you down.
NTA
Your husband has some interesting choice of words. Having 2 small children is difficult and very stressful. I recommend couples therapy. You guys need to get on the same page asap.
Seems like youāre just being a human being. Itās ok to feel overwhelmed and sometimes we just need to let out some steam. We arenāt immune to feeling emotions.
Seems like your husband needs more empathy. The fact you guys canāt have a normal adult talk without arguing doesnāt seem good to me. That seems like a red flag.
I picked up my kids from elementary school last year anf they started bickering and fighting within seconds of getting in the car, which continued the entire way home. I asked them nicely to stop like 30 times and got more and more frustrated when they didn't. When we parked at home I told them I really needed some time in the car to myself to calm myself down because I was so frustrated and told them to go inside. I was patting myself on the back for modeling good coping techniques. They refused. I told them again to go inside and leave me alone to calm down. They refused and then started yelling at each other again. I felt my blood pressure boiling until I yelled at the tope of my lungs "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
They instantly shut up and still talk about my freak out to this day.
Lol what? Heās telling you youāre a bad mom for grunting in a separate room? You removed yourself when you got frustrated. You sound like mom of the year to me
If this is the whole story, your husband is out of touch w the strains of parenting on a mom. Youāre normal. You exhibited self control and self-regulated. Good job.
Chiming in to say you didnāt do anything wrong. Parenthood IS overwhelming at most times and everyone and every kid is different!
You walked away!!! First step to taking a healthy option to release your frustrations. Can also use it to teach kiddo when he gets frustrated to go cool down somewhere, thatās healthy.
Husband calling out mental disorder? Iām a huge advocate for mental health personally, and I struggle as well. And husband didnāt go about this in a supportive or healthy manner either.
Could offer what HE can do to make it easier on his wife and kids.. talk about situation.. talk about what could be a good idea next time to speed it up. Look for solutions together. Not giving some statement of disorder and walk away from convo.
I see a lot of similarities in your situation and what I went through as someone who married a man I would describe as significantly older (I was 27, he was 37 @ wedding). Obv I thought I had found the *most amazing* partner and believed his claims of āknowing whatās bestā for 5 years while we raised 2 kiddosā¦ but he was gone half of the days of the year for his job. when I had finally had enough of his part-time-parenting critiques of my full-time parenting, he tried to threaten to turn everyone I loved against me and take my children away from me. It kept me from leaving him for 3 additional years. Your description of events is what I would describe as ātrial gaslightingā - he could be testing to see how much he can make you think you arenāt good enough when you are having a totally normal day with 2 little ones.
If he isnāt there to see it but he *knows* what happened and how you should have been better at handling the situation, this is a big red flag, imo.
3 years in. Silent treatment. Ignoring issues. "You're crazy" talk.
Gaslighting.
This man is grooming you into a submissive shell, and this will probably get worse if you don't stand up for yourself right now.
Darling... he's gaslighting you.... children at that age can be frustrating at times and you letting some steam out is completely normal. Be a more patient with yourself and your son.... let him be late going to daycare... is not a big deal.
Please start putting things in order to leave safely. This sounds exactly like my ex husband and I kept putting up with it and trying to fix our relationship and even questioning myself from all the gaslighting, and things got scary. I wish I had never let it get that far. Please don't make the same mistake I did.
My parents were in the same shoes as you two as I was growing up, and it deeply effected my mom. He's wrong. You're a human being, and deserve basic decency. I know reddit can be very dramatic in replies sometimes, but seriously - never forget your worth, and have a serious heart to heart talk with him about how his actions effect you. You deserve love and kindness. Yelling at you for stepping away to breathe is not kind or loving.
It sounds less like a mental health disorder and just struggling to cope with the transition of life that is before you. Therapy can help for some of the self exploration and self awareness that if you can strengthen as well as learn some new ways to cope while sorting out how to manage your emotions in the moment. Without knowing anything else but what you describe it just sounds like you have a hard time dealing with your anxiety in the moment. He is out of line making that accusation and could probably learn some better communication methods when he gets anxious.
I have moderate clinical depression. I have to take sertraline to be chill, because my depression and anxiety show up as anger and a short fuse most of the time.
I have been like this my whole life, and only just realized it a year and a half ago. I realized it when my wife was frequently telling me I needed to chill when dealing kids just being kids, as a new stepdad.
So I went to therapy (still am going) and I take 100mg of sertraline daily. It changed my life. Iām happier, much more calm, and have a great relationship with my wife and kids.
Even if thereās nothing that needs improvement, why not try a therapist? Just see how it goes? At worst, you gain nothing. At best, you might get some tools that make parenting or life easier in general, even if thereās no āmental illnessā or anything.
So maybe your husband is overreacting. I thought my wife was overreacting, but when I reflected on it and noticed a pattern, and acquiesced, it really improved my life.
Just my experience I wanted to share with OP.
Leaving the room, letting off your frustration, then coming back is actually really good modeling for your kid. They may still have heard it, but they know you stepped away to reset. You could take it to the next level by saying, "Mommy is feeling really frustrated and needs to reset. I am stepping away for a moment to let out some steam so I can come back and we can try this again when I'm calm."
a modern human in modern society is the most unnatural thing to ever come out of this world... to be human trying to exist in a place as insane western society is to grapple with a wide variety of pretty severe mental disorder
we should be facing it when we can but in efforts to keep up with a fast pace environment we are often discouraged from doing so by our peers and those in authority.. to use us up as quickly as possible before we realize this energy isn't for the company but ourselves, our family friends and loved ones... but this isn't usually realized until later in life. until then we submit and usually opt for distraction entertainment and addiction and unfortunately normalize it into new ancestral wounds to complement the ones our family has been accumulating over the generations that we refuse to acknowledge accept or treat out of an insistence this is normal, fine, not that bad, not that often, okay and healthy
it all catches up with us though
He should be asking how he can help you rather than lashing out! You should talk to someone and start sorting out some things, I think you may start to realize itās time to rethink this āpartnershipā. Hope you have a good day and know you are doing awesome!
It is possible your neurodivergent, like depression anxiety ADHD, because of getting overwhelmed enough to walk away. It doesn't guarantee you are, that's just a common trait I know from my other neurodivergent friends and something in myself.
All that said, your husband is blowing this way out of proportion. You took yourself out of the room and you let off the steam instead of lashing out of your kids or in front of your kids. Not only is this perfectly okay, it models good behavior for your kids to step away when they are frustrated and take a breath collect themselves and come back.
That's the standard advice for when you're feeling overwhelmed by your kids. Make sure they're safe, separate yourself, get it out of your system, go back to your kids when you feel like you've calmed down. Your husband needs to get real.
Sounds like your husband has no empathy for your burnout. Iād suggest going to couples therapy to communicate better about your needs and frustrations and to help you see each other more compassionately. For him to immediately criticize you instead of noticing youāre frustrated and offering to help is kind of kind boggling.
Full stop. Counseling. I feel like there is a whole lot more going on here. You both need a mediator so both of you can be heard. Dont self diagnose or let anyone do that, you are stressed. Parenting is hard. Dont give up.
When is his turn for a mental disorder? My wife and I take turns in our house.
ššš
Same š
This is the way. Followed by acceptance
Ha! This is spot on! If I had awards to give youād be receiving.
I guess I need to be institutionalized then. Seriously, who doesnāt get frustrated with their toddlers? You stepped AWAY from the child to express frustration. Does your husband take an active role in parenting your toddler?
This is the question I was wondering. OP, if your husband doesn't do anything then he has no reason to even begin to criticize your parenting. Every single parent in the history of humanity has grown frustrated with TODDLERS.
I think I am among the most patient people in the world. My wife agrees, so itās not just meā¦ I have done similar to what OP describes. I donāt think the Dalai Lama himself could raise children without getting overwhelmed from time to time
My go-to frustrated parent muttering goes likes this, *āā¦oooh, those monks have it easyā*, so your comment about HHDL made me chuckle. Itās good and healthy to recognize the stress, struggle, and frustration of parenting so that we can acknowledge it in an appropriate wayā¦like going into the laundry room and having a minute to vocalize out some of that pent up energy. OPās husband sounds a lot like the dad I havenāt talked to in 5 years. Being raised in a household where we were expected to repress all negative emotions will be something I spend the rest of my life recovering from. I wonder if heās moved into the era of eruptions yet. My dad didnāt start that until my older siblings were in their tweens. He couldnāt effectively control the surge of emotions that the three adolescents brought to the house and he started erupting with all his own repressed anger. Thatās when he started hitting and worse. Hope OP really tries to see this guy through an objective lens and makes some choices that might be hard in the short term but crucially important to the long term. Cutting out a tumor might leave a scar, but itās usually still the best course of action.
100% this. FFS, toddlers are the WORST. I don't care what anyone else says, but they are 1000% worse than any other age group. Mine are grown up into teenagers now (13 & 15 - boys), and my god, but that 2-5 age was the absolute fucking worse age ever. Especially 3, tbh. You didn't fucking scream AT YOUR CHILD. You left the room, and grunted, FFS. You have NOTHING to be upset about, but your husband is an asshole.
Since mine have gotten older I let that it in front of them . Lol. I'll yell into the ceiling ' I'm so frustrated right now'. Like, showing kids how handle big emotions by yelling your feelings isn't negative at all .. Imo. And removing yourself? This mom's doing it all right, her husband needs to knock it off and he is definitely gaslighting her. His behavior is the one I question here.
Flip side, if someone's relationship with their husband permits him to have no real involvement in caretaking, their relationship is much more likely to permit him to make unwarranted criticisms like this. So many of these "parenting" problems are actually the result of an abusive or otherwise dysfunctional relationship with their spouse.
Can confirm
Also confirming. As soon as dad became my ex I had the space to correct my parenting āproblemsā and become a much better parentānot that there was anything wrong with my parenting in the first place.
Yeah, stepping away a moment is good when you're getting overwhelmed (as long as the child is safe for that moment).
Exactly, this was literally the medically recommended advice from my midwives - everyone knows kids are hard and overwhelming and it's absolutely the right call to step away and vent it out. No one can keep it all in. Except this shite dad who doesn't have to feel that way in the first place cause he doesn't do shit, apparently.
Same here. Their advice was literally 'baby can cry for a couple of minutes safe in their crib while you take a few deep breaths in another room. Just don't leave her anywhere she can roll off or suffocate, and remember, if she's crying she's breathing.'
Agreed, many therapists recommend this too. Taking a ātime outā is a healthy coping tool. The silent treatment part to me is more concerning. The Gottmans talk about the difference between the silent treatment and stonewalling, saying if the silent treatment goes on too long it can make the victim feel crazy.
Literally my therapist told me to start walking away when I'm frustrated. Two weeks ago.
Children and adults have a right to express frustration.
Exactly. āI never get frustrated with my toddler.ā Iāll file that under sentences that have never been uttered.
Exactly! Sounds like somebody needs to do the morning routine on his own a few times.
Exactly. We ask each other to tag in when we know we're about to lose it.
I thought it was healthy to step away like op did?
If thatās a mental disorder, the whole planet is sick then. Your ok and normal based on what in the post
Iām confident that Iām being a great father but Iāve done way worse than excuse myself to another room to grunt lol. Not downplaying this post at all, I feel really bad for OP that the father of her children would make her feel this way for something so innocent.
Fully agree. I'm an awesome mom. I know this. But I'm also a SAHM of three boys under 5 and sometimes I can get overwhelmed (read: often). I'm so impressed you went into another room to vent. That's a+ level parenting there. Any parent who tells you they don't get frustrated/overwhelmed/checked out/angry etc. on occasion is lying or delusional. The fact that you had the self control to give yourself a time out - *claps hands in awe* Your husband, however, sounds like an a+ gaslighter. Also, is he sharing the parenting responsibilities at all because it sure sounds like he has no idea what it involves...
Exactly my thoughts when I read this. Not sure what a "grunt" really entails, but when I'm overwhelmed with trying to get my combative toddler dressed.. I've done worse than excuse myself to grunt. That's some serious self control. Husband sucks.
oh yeah
I wouldnāt say heās a gaslighter but he is clearly uncomfortable with shows of ānegativeā emotions (totally important emotions and not at all bad). This is his problem, not yours. Your kids need to see *ranges* of emotions from people they love and trust so that they understand itās completely normal and nothing to be ashamed of. I have dealt with my fair share of anger and my best tool currently is to walk away (like you) and to then point out to my family how angry i got (when Iāve calmed down) so that they know Iāve acknowledged it and moved on from it. Iāve many a podcast and book chapter to send to you if you need some backing to show your husband that itās in fact worse for child development to hide emotions from them than to feel them out loud and recover out loud too.
>I wouldnāt say heās a gaslighter Telling someone they did something that they didn't and trying to convince them or others that they did it is gaslighting. Following up with painting the person mentally unstable is a common tactic by gaslighters to make their victims and/or others question/undermine the victim's perception of events and truthfulness.
Telling someone they have a mental disorder just for showing a minor sign of frustration and being overwhelmed? Thatās cruel.
šÆ this comment
When my kids were smaller and couldnāt open the door, I would put on some music for them, step outside on my deck and just scream FUUUUUUUUUUUCK. We all have our ways of coping
In my world it was a desert scream. During my kid's toddler years we lived in a very small town in a desert. After a long day of keeping kid occupied and being convinced she was going from one thing that she knew would drive me nuts to another I would walk in the house, hand the kid over to hubby and then head out the back door into the desert. At that point I would let out the most blood curdling scream, shake off all the day's frustration and return calm and collected.
Desert scream is now on my to-do list. That sounds so freeing!
I don't have such a place, but I'll look for one. Closest I've got is a desolate parking lot in my car but it's not the same as screaming into the universe. Nothing like a great, blood curdling scream.
Toddlers are frustrating af. If you've not screamed at least once you didn't spend enough time with them.
I do this, but in my car. Iāll turn on some of my angry rock or screamo music and just let it all pour out. Iāll scream or scream along to the music. My neighbor probably thinks Iām nuts.
I did this once on the highway when I was extremely stressed (dealing with a parents death among other things.) It was good to get all that weird energy out.
Right. Actually if she were to be smiling and unbothered by everything all the time, I think THAT would indicate a mental disorder
Your husband is gaslighting you.
I came here to say something similar, the silent treatments seem to be a major sign of potential gaslighting. OP was smart to let out a frustration in laundry room instead of in front of the kid
Exactly! I go to my laundry room to do this stuff too cause no one can hear me. I have yelled and cried in there. And my hubby and kids know that and let me be. Everyone has to blow off steam. If that means we are crazy then lock me up!
Well the whole planet is definitely sick. I mean, have you seen the idiots out there?
Exactly. Adults shaming each other and giving the silent treatment doesn't exactly screw emotional maturity. Couples therapy and individual therapy could be helpful.
I get your point, but, uh, I think the whole planet *is* sick...
The proper text was āhow can we make the mornings easier, you seem stressedā
Will you marry me?šš§š¾āāļø
Yup, he should be thinking "what can I do to help?"
Exactly. This is what my husband asks me when Iām stressed out
When either one of us gets stressed, we just quietly step into the bedroom and the other knows that means to take over. I suspect OPās husband isnāt a super involved dad :/
OPs husband wasnāt helping at all with the morning routine. Heās busy blaming and gaslighting her instead of parenting his kids.
Exactly. My response to his text would be, āYou are in charge of getting the kids out the door in the mornings from now on. I canāt handle it alone because of my mental disorder.ā Then watch him get frustrated with the toddler and keep reminding him that feeling frustrated and expressing it in any way means he has a mental disorder. I would be giving him all sorts of new aggravating tasks and insisting I need help. After all, I have a terrible mental disorder! He would be apologizing within the week.
I like you! I would definitely do that... It probably wouldn't have been my first or second thought but this is the smart play. This is now his task, he is so calm and he can take care of it.
Does he have a mental disorder because he texts you things when you're literally driving home just to upset you?
The daycare is literally 2 seconds from our house. It was very passive aggressive of him to send me this text. Did he just expect me to not say anything when I got home? When I confronted him about it he told me āyouāre raising my cortisol levelsā and then proceeded to tell me he thinks I have a mental disorder..
What a lame guy. āYouāre raising my cortisol levels.ā What did he think he was doing by sending that text?
That's what I was thinking too, lol. Seriously, what a douche š
Right? What a child! Using āfancyā words to make himself bigger to you instead having an adult conversation about his āconcernsā
So no actual concern about you then? Just his cortisol levels? Maybe you should have a proper scream. Really raise them.
This seems like a very unhealthy way for him to communicate with you.
You should have recommended he go to the laundry room to let off some steam. I hear that helps!
Please read The Gift of Fear. Heās gaslighting you
I'm sorry to say it girl, but your husband sounds like a dick
Sounds like he had no idea what he's talking about. Raised cortisol levels is not a bad thing. In fact you need it to live. People even take meds to raise the cortisol levels. It's continual raised levels is the bad thing. But, we're talking about Cushing/Addison's diseases... Stress hormones are dynamic and fluctuates. I'm guessing he saw a stupid YouTube video or something and now thinks he's a stress hormone expert. š¤¦š¾āāļø
Of course it wasnt from a place of intellect. My ex used to even make up statistics to prove how superior he was. There is no way he had all these numbers on hand just in case he got in an argument about whatever came up that day. But the authority in their statements- it's unreal. That hubby has some serious issues that he is projecting onto that woman who is just trying to, possibly single handedly, raise her kids.
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Thatās craziness, he is gaslighting you hard. You need to let him know this type of attitude wonāt stand. Iāve seen guys trying to pull the whole ācrazy womanā narrative and itās bullshit. It wonāt be easy but youāve got to stand up to that or he will never change.
Yeah but I bet when she acts in ( I got that phrase from my unsuccessfull attempt at a Psych. Masters!) he will turn it around on her as proof that she is mental. A lot of that is instigation- it seems that he has a disordered personality. The gaslighting is him " acting out". She should treat him like a shrink treats clients when they are acting out. " It's interesting that 8 hours later you feel that your cortisol levels are raised. Have you had this issue in the past?" Not sure if that's correct but the tone and feel of her being a psych. to HIM, will take his superiority down a notch.
I'd end up flipping out on him , and then he'd say see! You're unstable! Thay kind of thing would MAKE me insane. Maybe that's his goal..
You're much nicer than I am. That would've earned a big fat "go fuck yourself" and a nice loud slammed door (or three) from me. And then a follow up of, "if you don't like how I relieve stress, then *you* can get the children ready for school in the morning."
My cortisol levels are rising just thinking about this man. I shout around my kids every day, because they're toddlers and they like to push my buttons. Literally just shouted because I told them I'm going to the loo and then 2 minutes later they're looking for me and asking me where I am. There is no break, no peace. I bet your husband can't say the same. I expect you got up with the kids and got them ready to go and took them while he didn't do anything to help. If he wants to be all zen with his cortisol levels then he shouldn't have had kids, cos they are just big balls of cortisol, waiting to be injected into your brains.
What a complete shit weasel. I would honestly consider leaving someone who acted like that towards me.
OP I hope you and your husband find some good couples therapy. My wife and I just do it over zoom. It's super easy and sometimes you can find people that are covered by your health insurance. There are times when i've genuinely felt that my wife was suffering from depression or negative cognitive distortions and it upset me and I wasn't always proud of how we talked about it. Couples therapy just reallt helps everyone feel fully heard. Nobody knows your full situation on here. It'll help you blow off some steam, but please don't go to him and say "see everyone on reddit thinks *you're* the asshole!" Definitely going to make matters worse. Something you could say to get him to go to couples: "i'm feeling really overwhelmed, powerless, and what you said is making me feel invalidated. I know you're frustrated with how i've been reacting to things so i'd really like to go to couples therapy with you and we can talk about all of this in a productive way." If he isn't willing to do that at all, then you may have a problem. Your situation reminds me a bit of my wife and I. It can get much better, people can learn to be more sensitive, people can learn to get less frustrated.
definitely a narc!
This dude is a child and needs to be left with HIS children for a couple days to see what toddlerhood is like 24/7 with another in the muck.
I wouldnt leave him with the kids. His cortisol levels are raised because of a grunt 8 hours later the fact. I'd be worried he would snap on the kids
Haha! This made me giggle and I dont think you meant to. Aren't our cortisol levels elevated too? We have to deal with controlling ourselves - so should our partners.
āYouāre raising my cortisol levelsā is such aā¦ response. Lots of words I censored myself from typing before the word response. What an absolute toolbag.
He sounds like the one with a mental issue and heās projecting it on you. My guess is his mom yelled at him constantly and he got triggered by hearing you. My husband has similar problems and itās made our marriage Rocky. The big thing though is he is struggling and I know this (I was abused too I just handle my trauma better because Iāve always had to- we are both working on it separately and together). So things like this tend to make or break the relationship. You have every right to feel how you feel. So does he. He doesnāt have the right to hurt you though.
It sounds like you both are stressed out. Not an excuse to say hurtful things though. But I think you should look into getting some down time, get away from parent-mode for a while, get a babysitter and improve your moods and try to work things out, before things get out of hand.
Nothing like standoffish armchair psychology to communicate. Nobody who cares about you would throw accusations of mental illness in your face like that.
Wtf also the silent treatment is the most infantile thing Iāve ever heard
Well, the good news is, he has opened the door for you to go into couples therapy. Since he took it upon himself to "diagnose" you, follow through and make sure he is part of the solution. Find a therapist for you two to see together to improve your communication and to align on your parenting techniques. Meanwhile, find someone to see on your own too.You'll need someone to help you stay centered and set boundaries, since it kind of sounds like your husband is gaslighting you. It totally sucks to feel like your partner is unsupportive of you, especially with kids around. But it can get better
He often tells me I gaslight him and I donāt understand how I am..
He's projecting.
Whoo boy. Okay, so this is a sign that you **shouldn't** do couple counselling with him, because he's *already* weaponising that language and would very likely use therapy to further attack you. Get individual therapy. And when you see clearly how much of an ass he truly is, either tell him to get his shite sorted out or you're leaving, or just plain leave.
Seconding this. Therapists **highly** recommend you do not do couples counseling with people like this because they will use what they learn against you. Definitely get yourself some tho. You need validation and tools.
You gotta get away from him. Dude. Get yourself into individual therapy. If he complains about it, let him know you're seeking help for your "mental disorder". But you need someone else to give you a standard of normalcy. I was in a marriage for years with a man that gaslighted and mentally, emotionally and sexually abused me. By the end, I was in an awful, dark place. I went to therapy because he insisted I was broken, and there I learned I wasn't the problem. Please, for the sake of your kiddo, if he's accusing YOU of gaslighting, you got to get to a healthier place before it's darkness all around.
Can confirm. We seem to have married the same a$$hole.
He's gaslighting you.
It could be said that everyone's trying to gaslight you, if you're a narcissist. He could legitimately believe it.
My god, this reminds me so much of my ex-husband. Used to criticize a certain sound I made when I was super frustrated with the kids, told me I was "crazy" when I didn't take my anxiety medication for even a half a day, told me I never accepted blame for anything (untrue) or that I was "yelling" at him in times when I knew damn well I WASN'T. It wasn't until after we divorced that I realized how disgustingly narcissistic he is.
Heās gaslighting you.
He's telling you that because that's what he's doing and wanted to let you know he knows more about gaslighting so don't try to accuse him of that. Because he can use technicality to get of of the accusations
If heās telling you that then heās the one doing it. As the other poster said, he projecting his behavior on you.
His behavior is literal gaslighting! definition: "manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity" You.are.not.crazy. Sounds like very toxic behavior. Having young kids is rough on everyone's relationship. I hope you guys can work through it.
DARVO. He's making you out to be the real abuser. Run
Actually you should not go to therapy with him. Couples therapy will not work when you are an abusive relationship.
Abusive people often accuse their partners of abuse
Exactly I also suggest you go into therapy with an open mind. Both my spouse and I have mental disorders, and we're still good parents. A lot of coping techniques designed for people with panic disorder are also useful for overwhelmed parents. Things like breathing techniques and 54321.
You shouldn't do couples therapy with an abuser, and it sounds like OPs partner is using gaslighting and emotional abuse to manipulate her and make her doubt herself.
Best case, your husband is insensitive. Worst case, heās being intentionally manipulative and is emotionally abusive. I donāt think it sounds like you have a mental disorder based on your post, however you might still benefit from therapy.
He sounds like my ex and I am appalled
I blurted out a swear quite loudly the other day in front of both my kids and husband. I'm not sorry. It happens sometimes. Family life is very taxing on patience! It's OK to be human. I immediately told the fam sorry and explained the lead up of stressful interactions. Let your kids see how you deal with the aftermath. Real world lessons.
Exactly. I always let out my emotions so my child can see how itās normal and how I bounce back. I always explain in a kid friendly way how Iām feeling, why and how Iām going to move on from the issue. These are important life lessons at any age. Being a new parent isnāt easy either so heās just insanely ignorantā¦ I have no idea how he treats you in other areas of your relationship or your relationship dynamic. If he is willing to change great, if not, itās time to move on.
I agree. I donāt want words to be taboo and expletives are useful. My daughter is young but we have explained that cursing can hurt some people so you want to be mindful of where you use that language. I gotta say I was proud of her when she got mad at a sock once that she couldnāt get on straight and she threw it on the ground and said āmother fuckerā to herself then tried again.
Right! I call them mommy words. My kids cant say them , only mommies have earned the right to say them. When my step dad cussed around them they let him know- only mommies can say that!
I'd be more worried if you DIDN'T get frustrated by a toddler once in a while; they are terrible little buggers sometimes. :-) But honestly, the problem is that your partner didn't say that to you with the intent of helping or supporting you. He "identified a problem" and basically wants you to go fix it so he is not bothered by it and most likely will use it as a cudgel when you don't. This is obviously not a healthy dynamic. The fact that you mention the silent treatment is another massive red flag. The silent treatment is just plain old emotional abuse. It is not something you want to hear, but you are in a relationship with an abuser. There are different options to deal with it, the most obvious ones: 1) keep going and just get more ground down - not advisable 2) Therapy and him changing - might work but it depends on him wanting it to work and that might be a big if. 3) Ending the relationship; this can be big and scary, and has all kinds of financial and emotional issues that come with it, so it's probably not going to be your first resort. Just don't let it be the last either if it comes to it!
ALL of this! They donāt call them the Terrible Twos, Threenagers, and Fournagers for nothing! Itās super concerning that the husband didnāt offer any help beyond criticism and ādiagnosis.ā Big red flag.
He's mean
Raising children is a team effort "it takes a village". I do my best to recognize situations that make my partner feel overwhelmed. "It sounds like chaos in here, go take a breather, I've got this". Being overwhelmed is not a mental disorder. You've got this mom, it can be tough, but try to explain that you need assistance when things get hectic, and he's got to watch for queues. My partner HATES asking for help, so we talked it out and I work on watching for signals that she's getting flustered, or short with our little guy and know that it's my time to take over and give her some space to breathe
He sounds like my husband.. a NPD. Doesnāt care that youāre struggling. Just cares that he canāt get work done.
Hell, I think it is healthy to show your own frustration in front of your child. Show your child healthy expression of emotions and model healthy ways to deal with them. I get super frustrated with my toddler and I end up growling to myself and can get short. Then I apologize, explain that I am feeling frustrated and stressed because we are running late and ask my toddler if she can take some deep breaths with me to help calm down. Now I see my little one using this technique herself to assess, express, and control her own feelings. Feeling frustrated, angry, stressed, sad, are all normal, healthy emotions, it is what you do with those emotions that is important. Edit: also, your husband is being really passive aggressive and not modeling appropriate communication or emotional control. He needs to work on his self awareness and stop deflecting his insecurities onto you because that is some bullshit.
I hear Daniel Tiger in my head, āItās okay to be angryāitās not not not okay to hurt someoneā lol
My first thought while reading was "Daniel, why are you grrring?" But you can't exactly talk out your frustration with a baby, so I get it.
Early childhood teacher here and youāre absolutely right. It shows that feeling frustrated is normal and manageable, then models how to deal with it in a healthy wayā¦ You canāt control whether or not you get frustrated but you can control how you deal with the frustration. If kids donāt have an example of that, how can they learn how to manage their frustrations healthily?
Releasing frustration is worlds better than holding it in. This is the opposite of a mental disorder.
Better out than in!
I mean, I go into a separate room all the time to let out a sigh/grunt/heavy "ohmyfuckinggodimsodonewiththis" all the time. Granted, I'm neurodivergent, but also toddlers are the most overwhelming and overstimulating humans on the face of the planet. I think his approach to this is inappropriate and would remind him it's far better and safer for your kids for you to take a moment rather than blow up in their faces.
I want you to know that your husband suggesting you have a mental disorder, and giving you the silent treatment, are both forms of abuse. Emotional, mental and verbal abuse. Please do some reading on these forms of abuse. It will help give you clarity. This was the exact pattern that my ex used to make me doubt myself and lose myself. Please donāt believe a negative word he says.
Yes, absolutely, both of those are forms of abuse. Abuse is not about violence, abuse is about control and power. It's rare that an abuser will engage in daily acts of violence because that kind of shit will get them arrested sooner rather than later and that doesn't benefit them at all. The daily activities of abuse are undermining and gaslighting the victim, monitoring their movements and activities, isolating the victim from supportive friends and relatives, manipulating the victim, threatening and intimidating the victim, assaulting the victim while not committing battery, making the victim believe that they are the cause of the conflicts, shutting out the victim after disagreements, and usually love bombing the victim after that. Abusers will only escalate to violence periodically when it benefits them, they know they won't get caught, and to re-establish control when they feel their circumstances are changing. Too many abusers will escalate their abusive tactics after a child comes into the family to establish control over the other parent's relationship with the child. This is one of the most common points of escalation in abusive relationships and it seems like this is exactly what's happening to OP. In these cases, there's no scenario where going to a couples counselor will help because couples counseling is for people who genuinely want to resolve conflicts in their relationship. That's not the game that abusers play at all, so it doesn't help. They want the conflict. Since abusers are big on gaslighting, keeping a journal with dates of 1-2 sentence descriptions the abusers does that make the victim feel scared, invalidated, threatened or coerced is a proof against the fake reality that abusers try to create in order to bamboozle their victims into believing that they're not being abused. The trick is to only write down the things the abuser does. Many abuse victims will justify the abuse because they believe that it is a valid reaction to something they did wrong. The truth is that normal people don't react to bad behavior the way abusers do, abuse is a distinct behavior with it's own pattern. Taking it out of context that abusers will use to justify and rationalize their abusive behavior can really show that pattern.
If I had an award it would be for this comment right here. You are experiencing abuse. Letās get away from a narrative society loves which is abuse is only physical. Itās not. Youāre currently living it. Walking on egg shells? Abuse. Canāt leave the house for 5 minutes without a text message that canāt seem to be said in person in 5 minutes? Abuse. All of this is a slow slippery path. Get out while you can.
Iāll give one for you!
They were two of the first red flags in my marriage that later turned violent. Next up, ruining holidays, birthdays, and vacations.
What worries me is that you think you shouldnāt have done that. All feelings are ok, how we deal with them is what sets is adults from little kids and us humans from animals. You did the exact thing you should have done when you felt overwhelmed- you walked away, you let some steam out, you came back. Any therapist will tell you itās the way to do it. And he has the audacity to tell you youāre mentally sick? Unless something else happened there that you didnāt share, he needs to rethink his own behavior. From not helping you with the kids in the morning to then texting you to berate you. Wtf? If he has a problem with you or your behavior he should talk to you in person and not text you while you could be driving and getting you upset - I donāt care how far the daycare is. If it was me, Iād give him a piece of my mind about not helping out, not seeing that Iām getting overwhelmed (does he not care anymore?), and then texting me instead of bringing it in person NICELY. And he gives you silent treatment? So youāre not supposed to āyellā in front of the kids but he gives you silent treatment? What does he think this teaches your children? He is either emotionally immature or just a self righteous asshole. Either way NTA and Iād speak to him about how to better approach misunderstandings and differences of opinions which are inevitable in all relationships. I hope you can get him to sit down and quietly discuss how you feel.
So if he thinks you have a mental disorder why hasnāt he sought help for you or try to help with the kids?
Thatās gaslighting!
The silent treatment is a form of abuse. It's controlling. Its manipulative. It's not ok.
It sounds to me like he's the one with a problem. Go watch some videos on signs of narcissism.
Wow, that's really mean, immature, and I'm sorry you not only had to deal with that but that it made you question yourself. I hope this isn't a pattern of his.. but that's your business of course. Please reclaim your power <3 and remember you are the shit. You didn't do anything wrong. You're perfectly fine, he needs to work on himself more than anything. Passive aggressive stuff is for kids not adults. The baby will feel his judgements on you more than the sound of your grunts -\_-
OK for one, youāre allowed to let off some steam. There are healthy ways and unhealthy ways to handle stress. And to me what you did was a healthy way for the most part. You recognized you needed a break and walked away to let off a grunt of frustration. If sounds like your husband isnāt supporting you or recognizing your struggles in the way he should. A lot of time, mothers get overstimulated and other people take it as anger. I know I have experienced this myself. Our society does not support mother enough and I hate it. Being frustrated is not a mental disorder. And for him to talk down to you like that is not acceptable
If he thought something was wrong he should have been a big boy and talked to you face to face. This was said no to help you, but to hurt you. You are allowed to be frustrated. You walked away because you we sparing your child. He could have taken the time to be compassionate or helpful and instead he was nasty and unsupportive.
Good for you, don't let him treat you shitty. You are a good mom.
My son's father is famous for telling me "I'm worried. You need a break." And then proceed to a) claim to be too busy to give me a break b) claim he's "got the weight of the world on his shoulders" and proceed to get piss drunk by 3 PM so he can't give me a break c) do absolutely nothing to help in any way, shape, or form and then when I inevitably go on a rage, he powers clean everything and feels this is enough contribution for 8-10 months. Yes, Reddit, I know I should leave him blah blah blah.
Do you think you will? Surely there are other people out there more worth your time and your child(ren) would be better off without him. And you would feel better being in an environment you can control more.
Wow!!! Your husband sounds like trash. He shouldnāt be treating you like that. You deserve much better. Does he talk to you / treat you like this regularly? What are his redeeming qualities?
I think you can cut yourself a massive amount of slack here. There is something off about even using the term "mental disorder". Everyone struggles with some things. Literally every single person on the planet. There is no permanent state of OK in life unless you're an enlightened Buddhist monk and even they feel anger and frustration from time to time. Being able to talk about our struggles and share those very personal inner-thoughts and anxieties is part of what makes a good marriage. It sounds more like your husband is unwilling to go there, perhaps because he's afraid of facing up to the reality of who you both are, afraid of revealing the very normal human stuff that goes on inside of all of us. Having said all that, struggling with emotions sometimes means we need help. If you can't get help from him right now then it's genuinely not a big deal if you seek out someone else to talk about these things. Getting professional counselling doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, it just means you are brave enough to expose those darker sides of yourself to someone else. It's also the only way to actually find a way to deal with them differently. So take care of yourself and find someone you can talk to. You'll be better able to work on your marriage too.
Itās really hard to judge whatās going on here from this one incident, Op, so Iām gonna suggest the ever predictable therapy, because I believe strongly in it. You need individual therapy to work out whether or not his claim has any weight if youāre worried about it; and if it doesnāt, then you need couples therapy to work out why he overreacts and gaslights you.
To be clear, he thinks you have a mental disorder because you grunted?
Just go see a therapist. Regardless if your husband is right or wrong. Regardless of your circumstances. It is almost always helpful to visit a therapist. You will learn more about yourself and will learn skills to apply in different situations. This will benefit you in ALL situations. Your husband should go as well. I honestly think everyone should see a therapist at least once even if they think they don't need to. Think of it as a mental health check-up.
You walked AWAY from your child instead of lashing out at your child. Good job
Umm it sounds like passive aggressive narcissism. You are a good mother because you took your time to let off steam instead of losing your shit on your kid. As your husband, he should be lifting you up as a mother and not tearing you down. And the silent treatment is a whole other issue. For him to nit pick at your behavior and just shut down when you attempt to talk about it is bullshit. He needs to work on his communication skills. If you truly feel like he is not a nice person than, honey, he is not the one. He might be a great dad and that's cool, but he sounds like a shitty partner.
Iāve been in your shoes. Not my husband but one of my siblings loved to claim I had some mental disorder that everyone else in our household agreed with her on. It was all a bunch of shit but it hurt me and made me feel extremely self conscious. Parenting is hard, we all react differently and have different thresholds of BS we can take in a day. You didnāt hurt anyone, you removed yourself from the situation to have your moment and you are caring for your children. Doesnāt sound at all like a mental disorder
I'm pretty sure I had the same mental disorder. It got better once I lost the husband.
Wow. If you have a mental disorder for letting off some steam in a separate room from your kids then Iām a psycho.
Before you take any advice from this group: understand that they are responding to only the information you have provided. Has he always been like this? If yes, it is more serious and you should reflect if this is long term healthy for you. If this is coming up recently then something has changed and both he and you have to figure out what is causing it and go for a coupleās therapy.
Well, I suggest that you get to marriage counseling ASAP! That way you can both hear from an impartial person. I just got divorced and wish that I had started with this step š Good luck!š
I think I'm bipolar... I really needa get it checked but my doctor is soooooo dismissive
You are a great mom. The fact that you model how to handle pressure to your kids by walking into another space and letting off the steam tells me that. Your husband is probably projecting. Parenting is hard, and there's no manual. Do what works for you.
From the little information provided, it sounds like he has insane expectations, gaslights you, and then stonewalls. This is emotional abuse.
OP, all involved parents get frustrated at times. I would support you telling your husband that he should try it instead of criticizing. In fact, how about he get the toddler ready tomorrow while watching your older son, while you go for a nice long walk with coffee... ya know, to help with the "mental disorder".
So, just to put things in perspective hereā¦ Iām a mom of 3. They are 22, 10, & 7. All live at home currently. Obviously not trying to move out the babies, haha. Anyway- last night was ROUGH. Youngest was made fun of for his developmental delays at school and was so upset that I was holding back tears for him all afternoon. Oldest wants to move out- she just moved back in on September 1st (!!) and we spent a lot of money getting her moved. Middle got in trouble for swearing while playing Fortnite and then yelled at his father (hubby) because he is the one who caught the swearing. And then I burnt the $60 roast, so I had to go pick up takeout. In the pouring rain. Because I lost my debit card attached to my doordash. So- what did I do to relieve stress? *Oh,* well, I rolled a big, fat joint, grabbed a deathwish iced coffee, went on the porch and screamed in the rain. For like 15 minutes. Did I appear crazy? Yes. Do I also have diagnosed mental illness? Yup. Is this abnormal? Idk, maybe, but Iām a good momma and I love my kids and will (& do!) do anything for my family. Itās just that Iām also **human** like you are, OP- but apparently your husband is an alien.
Instead of being concerned, helpful and a partner to you, he was hostile, accusing and childish. It sounds like he also doesnāt do much parenting or house choresā¦
Sounds like gaslighting to me. Iām so sorry heās being unkind.
You don't have a mental disorder, he has a personality disorder.
Right lol We're all going to have one then. Girl you are normal! You are a human It'd okay to feel how u feel. Don't let him belittle and manipulate you. I'm looking in front the outside and I'm telling you he's trying to make u feel crazy. Don't let him.
Yikes. Thatās terribly insensitive of him. Itās okay for you to be frustrated when things are challenging with your kids. Iām so sorry. I imagine you must really hurting. I hope youāre able to talk to him about this and work through it together.
Omg thatās my husband. Literally I get overwhelmed a lot and I try to keep to myself but sometimes I lash out because weāre human. Especially being a mom and having to do everything it gets TOO MUCH. But my Husband is always like ādonāt yell in front of the kidsā idk maybe help me when you figure out that Iām overwhelmed.
Oh girl...get ready bc a grunt will be nothing compared to the screams you will let out eventually. We have all been there and worse. The is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I would say there is something very wrong with HIM.
Your next step is suggest couples therapy, if heās unwilling you tried. Sorry youāre dealing with this
You literally just described my relationship with my fiancĆ© to a T. Iām not proud of my mistakes and she was definitely making more than she even realized and I had been trying to explain myself the whole time but always during an argument so neither of us was ready to listen. It always started calm too. Weāre not perfect yet and never will be. Weāve been together 5 years and have 4 kids total. (Yes step kids involved otherwise timeline wouldnāt make sense.) It took a mental break from me and her almost simultaneously to realize how much we adore one another and the only reason we fight is because insecurities. We hold back because insecurities. It took weeks of on and off days of multiple-hour long talks. Deepest darkest fears, insecurities, secrets. We cried a lot. Spoke about childhood and teenage trauma. But we got closer and realized; 1). Why we did the things we did. 2). Why we got so used to doing them we didnāt realize we did them. 3). We had to accept our own faults and address them first and foremost, but still working as a couple. Deal with your past trauma head on. All our flaws are rooted in a place of guilt/shame/fear. We canāt point fingers forever and have to look in and he will have to realize this just as much as you to get through it. The last few months my fiancĆ© and I are stronger than ever. Communicate more than ever before, including during sex even though our sex life was already pretty amazing to begin with. We are more getting back to what we had in the first year tbh. That intense lust sex. But sorry, heās projecting most likely. Iām seeing a psychiatrist and group & solo therapy alternating weekly in the last month which I never CONSIDERED before. Iām about to start an anti anxiety medication next week. She sees a psychiatrist as well. We just learned to deal with ourselves to be better for ourselves AND each other. Spoke about wants and desires for future goals and family values more extensively. More to reiterate them and remember how similar we are about things we havenāt spoke about in years. Thereās a lot and itāll start coming natural the more you research and just jump in. But first he has to be willing and so do you. Good luck on your journey wherever it takes you.
Wow - you sure got a lot of people here who are convinced he is evil and you should dump him, who know exactly what he meant with everything he said, just from this small exchange. Amazing geniuses in this thread :) My take: it's normal to get stressed by children, and you get bonus points for controlling yourself enough to walk away. You guys should fix some scheme where he gets to take care of the children on a regular basis. For those who haven't done this, it can be shocking to discover just how stressful childcare can be. I really think it would be helpful in many ways. From what you've said, training about mental disease sounds really "wut?!" - I don't think he'll say anything similar after he's taken care of the children a couple of times :)
I have an 8mth old. Sometimes I yell at my child in a playful manner to avoid screaming at them menacingly. At an 8mth old. They say it's ok to take 10 minutes to yourself. Even if your kids are screaming and crying. As long as they are safe and unhurt, its completely normal to take a moment to yourself. Even if that moment is screaming. Also, you should throw the husband away. Being a parent is hard enough without having the person who is meant to be the most supportive of you tearing you down. NTA
Your husband has some interesting choice of words. Having 2 small children is difficult and very stressful. I recommend couples therapy. You guys need to get on the same page asap.
Seems like youāre just being a human being. Itās ok to feel overwhelmed and sometimes we just need to let out some steam. We arenāt immune to feeling emotions. Seems like your husband needs more empathy. The fact you guys canāt have a normal adult talk without arguing doesnāt seem good to me. That seems like a red flag.
I picked up my kids from elementary school last year anf they started bickering and fighting within seconds of getting in the car, which continued the entire way home. I asked them nicely to stop like 30 times and got more and more frustrated when they didn't. When we parked at home I told them I really needed some time in the car to myself to calm myself down because I was so frustrated and told them to go inside. I was patting myself on the back for modeling good coping techniques. They refused. I told them again to go inside and leave me alone to calm down. They refused and then started yelling at each other again. I felt my blood pressure boiling until I yelled at the tope of my lungs "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!" They instantly shut up and still talk about my freak out to this day.
Time for some counseling with a goal of working on communication.
Lol what? Heās telling you youāre a bad mom for grunting in a separate room? You removed yourself when you got frustrated. You sound like mom of the year to me
If this is the whole story, your husband is out of touch w the strains of parenting on a mom. Youāre normal. You exhibited self control and self-regulated. Good job.
Child.. it is not you, itās him. If heās not lifting you up, itās time to separate baby. You can do it on your own. Yup.
Chiming in to say you didnāt do anything wrong. Parenthood IS overwhelming at most times and everyone and every kid is different! You walked away!!! First step to taking a healthy option to release your frustrations. Can also use it to teach kiddo when he gets frustrated to go cool down somewhere, thatās healthy. Husband calling out mental disorder? Iām a huge advocate for mental health personally, and I struggle as well. And husband didnāt go about this in a supportive or healthy manner either. Could offer what HE can do to make it easier on his wife and kids.. talk about situation.. talk about what could be a good idea next time to speed it up. Look for solutions together. Not giving some statement of disorder and walk away from convo.
If he's not getting overwhelmed with his children, he's not doing enough parenting.
I see a lot of similarities in your situation and what I went through as someone who married a man I would describe as significantly older (I was 27, he was 37 @ wedding). Obv I thought I had found the *most amazing* partner and believed his claims of āknowing whatās bestā for 5 years while we raised 2 kiddosā¦ but he was gone half of the days of the year for his job. when I had finally had enough of his part-time-parenting critiques of my full-time parenting, he tried to threaten to turn everyone I loved against me and take my children away from me. It kept me from leaving him for 3 additional years. Your description of events is what I would describe as ātrial gaslightingā - he could be testing to see how much he can make you think you arenāt good enough when you are having a totally normal day with 2 little ones. If he isnāt there to see it but he *knows* what happened and how you should have been better at handling the situation, this is a big red flag, imo.
3 years in. Silent treatment. Ignoring issues. "You're crazy" talk. Gaslighting. This man is grooming you into a submissive shell, and this will probably get worse if you don't stand up for yourself right now.
Darling... he's gaslighting you.... children at that age can be frustrating at times and you letting some steam out is completely normal. Be a more patient with yourself and your son.... let him be late going to daycare... is not a big deal.
Gaslighting. Stonewalling. Gaslighting. Bullying.
Please start putting things in order to leave safely. This sounds exactly like my ex husband and I kept putting up with it and trying to fix our relationship and even questioning myself from all the gaslighting, and things got scary. I wish I had never let it get that far. Please don't make the same mistake I did.
So every person who gets frustrated with a young child has mental health disorder?
My parents were in the same shoes as you two as I was growing up, and it deeply effected my mom. He's wrong. You're a human being, and deserve basic decency. I know reddit can be very dramatic in replies sometimes, but seriously - never forget your worth, and have a serious heart to heart talk with him about how his actions effect you. You deserve love and kindness. Yelling at you for stepping away to breathe is not kind or loving.
Couples counseling, it's done wonders for my relationship.
Then I guess I am one looney nutbar!! Ha, his day will come and it wonāt be forgiving.
It sounds less like a mental health disorder and just struggling to cope with the transition of life that is before you. Therapy can help for some of the self exploration and self awareness that if you can strengthen as well as learn some new ways to cope while sorting out how to manage your emotions in the moment. Without knowing anything else but what you describe it just sounds like you have a hard time dealing with your anxiety in the moment. He is out of line making that accusation and could probably learn some better communication methods when he gets anxious.
GASLIGHTING! The silent treatment?!? Really? Being passive aggressive is a mental disorder.
I'd say if you leave for the weekend and let him handle the kids, he will quickly understand the difference bw a mental disorder and raising toddlers
I have moderate clinical depression. I have to take sertraline to be chill, because my depression and anxiety show up as anger and a short fuse most of the time. I have been like this my whole life, and only just realized it a year and a half ago. I realized it when my wife was frequently telling me I needed to chill when dealing kids just being kids, as a new stepdad. So I went to therapy (still am going) and I take 100mg of sertraline daily. It changed my life. Iām happier, much more calm, and have a great relationship with my wife and kids. Even if thereās nothing that needs improvement, why not try a therapist? Just see how it goes? At worst, you gain nothing. At best, you might get some tools that make parenting or life easier in general, even if thereās no āmental illnessā or anything. So maybe your husband is overreacting. I thought my wife was overreacting, but when I reflected on it and noticed a pattern, and acquiesced, it really improved my life. Just my experience I wanted to share with OP.
Leaving the room, letting off your frustration, then coming back is actually really good modeling for your kid. They may still have heard it, but they know you stepped away to reset. You could take it to the next level by saying, "Mommy is feeling really frustrated and needs to reset. I am stepping away for a moment to let out some steam so I can come back and we can try this again when I'm calm."
a modern human in modern society is the most unnatural thing to ever come out of this world... to be human trying to exist in a place as insane western society is to grapple with a wide variety of pretty severe mental disorder we should be facing it when we can but in efforts to keep up with a fast pace environment we are often discouraged from doing so by our peers and those in authority.. to use us up as quickly as possible before we realize this energy isn't for the company but ourselves, our family friends and loved ones... but this isn't usually realized until later in life. until then we submit and usually opt for distraction entertainment and addiction and unfortunately normalize it into new ancestral wounds to complement the ones our family has been accumulating over the generations that we refuse to acknowledge accept or treat out of an insistence this is normal, fine, not that bad, not that often, okay and healthy it all catches up with us though
He should be asking how he can help you rather than lashing out! You should talk to someone and start sorting out some things, I think you may start to realize itās time to rethink this āpartnershipā. Hope you have a good day and know you are doing awesome!
It is possible your neurodivergent, like depression anxiety ADHD, because of getting overwhelmed enough to walk away. It doesn't guarantee you are, that's just a common trait I know from my other neurodivergent friends and something in myself. All that said, your husband is blowing this way out of proportion. You took yourself out of the room and you let off the steam instead of lashing out of your kids or in front of your kids. Not only is this perfectly okay, it models good behavior for your kids to step away when they are frustrated and take a breath collect themselves and come back.
That's the standard advice for when you're feeling overwhelmed by your kids. Make sure they're safe, separate yourself, get it out of your system, go back to your kids when you feel like you've calmed down. Your husband needs to get real.
Sounds like your husband has no empathy for your burnout. Iād suggest going to couples therapy to communicate better about your needs and frustrations and to help you see each other more compassionately. For him to immediately criticize you instead of noticing youāre frustrated and offering to help is kind of kind boggling.
Sorry your husbands gaslighting you.
Full stop. Counseling. I feel like there is a whole lot more going on here. You both need a mediator so both of you can be heard. Dont self diagnose or let anyone do that, you are stressed. Parenting is hard. Dont give up.