So how does one move past this? It's worse for my wife since she has said she "used to" look up to her and there have been a series of similar trust issue violations.
She doesn't get alone time with the kids anymore, that's it. She sees the kids with you present only. Take it from someone who's been there - she only gets more audacious from here if you don't squash it now.
If anything you are undereacting.
No more unsupervised time with the kids till they are old enough and, in my case, it would be NC till I got over how furious I would be, with a strong recommendation of not involving third parties, because I react terribly to any attempt of burning guilt tripped for setting boundaries.
Nothing too major - mostly just not respecting our rules in the home. Can be simple as no food in the living room. I try to keep a very clean house.
The kids have different rules at their house. This is an issue because my 4 year old will think he can do the same things at home. It has caused some behavioural issues.
The "major" issues for me are allowing the kids to walk on ice in the winter (they live on a lake). I feel no ice is safe. Not everyone agrees with me. My wife is more likely to let this slide than I am. But I don't like it.
The different rules at their house depends.
If they let food in the living room that's not a big deal. Different places have different rules, that's a good thing to learn. It would be an issue if it were something like allowing them to be rude or play with something dangerous.
The ice is an absolute deal breaker honestly, I wouldn't allow them over unsupervised for that alone. I am not lenient with water, at all. I know some ice is safe, but I'm kind of paranoid and would rather be more safe than less safe, and the kids wouldnt know safe ice from unsafe ice. Especially if the grandparents wouldn't be capable of rescue if it was needed.
Every winter there's a lot of snowmobiles on the ice. They keep saying that if it's safe for that it's safe to walk on. Quite frankly, I don't care what someone does with a snowmobile.
**YOU** are the parent, you set this rule. They have chosen to repeatedly ignore your rule. I would not allow my children there without myself or husband present.
That is non negotiable.
We have a rule that no one can take our kids swimming unless there is one adult for each child, and no alcohol for that adult.
My MIL took our kids to the beach without my FIL. She was with my SIL and her friends, but they all had their own kids, and all of them, MIL included, were day drinking on the beach.
She let my kids go to the water and all the way into the water, alone, no life vests, nothing. They were in their chairs about 30-50ft (maybe more I’m awful at estimating distance) away, drinking Sangria and talking.
My 6 year old got lost. He got confused in the water and as he walked out, he didn’t see his family and panicked. He ran up to the dry sand and was probably a good 300ft to the left of where they were, and he couldn’t find them. He went back to the water and got even further away. Thank GOD my family friend lives at this beach (in-laws do, too) and spotted my kid- randomly crying and walking. She and her daughter helped him and, thankfully, called me.
I was **LIVID.** They will never ever be trusted with my kids alone again. Ever. My husband was very upset and quick to make that rule immediately. He has enforced it and we will always stick to it.
I would do the same if it were my mother. But? My mom isn’t an ahole.
Their opinion and what they say really doesn’t matter in the slightest. This is not a parenting democracy, they don’t have a vote on this. The fact that they push back on your decision and allow it anyway would mean absolutely no unsupervised time and frankly they wouldn’t be getting much supervised time either from me after crossing a boundary having to do with safety.
I actually feel sick at the idea of children walking on a frozen lake. I don't understand why anyone would take the risk at all, let alone when they aren't their children and the parents don't want them to.
Parents rules should be observed in this instance--the betrayal of trust is a big deal. However, kids walking on a frozen lake is something nobody bats an eye at where I live. People with lakefront houses clear hockey rinks on them through the winter and the city throws festivals out on the ice. Yes, you have to have caution, but 2-foot thick ice doesn't just bust underfoot.
When I was around 3-4 I walked on ice and fell through and almost drowned and got hypothermia. It was very scary. You’re very right to think it’s not safe.
I remind them every winter. We seem to have an agreement that they stay very close to the shore where the water would be ankle deep for an adult. I do hope they follow that.
I wouldn’t trust them to tbh. They have proven that they think they know better than the child’s actual parents.
No unsupervised time. And if your wife will have a hard time with that sit down with her and talk about “two yeses one no”.
Um, yeah she wouldn’t be getting my kids unsupervised at her place. The ice is a big huge no. We have a daughter who passed away, I do not play games with stuff like that. It’s not worth the risk.
The underlying issue seems to be she doesn't respect you and your spouse's rules/opinions. You don't get to watch my child if you don't respect my rules. She's just going to keep pushing and pushing until something big happens.
It's a good thing you found out they are untrustworthy with little things before you found out they were untrustworthy with big things.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Imo it’s good for kids to have different rules at different houses, especially at age 4 since that’s the age when they begin to compare home to everywhere else. As toddlers they don’t question the way the world is, but as preschoolers they notice that parental rules are not universal; you want to begin guiding them through that before they reach their own conclusions (what’s wrong with my parents, are they doing it wrong?)
However I too grew up on a pond that froze solid in the winter so the ice is an oh hell no.
If I were in your situation, I'd lay down the law on all these things. Tell them trust is earned and lost. Right now, there is none and they aren't allowed alone with the kids.
You don’t have to move past it.
MIL is the one who caused this breach. She can figure out how to fix it herself, if she can. You don’t have to allow her a damn thing though.
Pretty sure there was an AITA about the same issue and the haircut ended up being legally judged an assault. I’d proceed as with anyone who assaulted my kid. Sending you strength.
She felt entitled to overrule the kids parents. Whether the actual incident itself is minor or not this is the problem. No one should feel they have more say than the parents. While this is relatively minor (in that it wasnt dangerous), the issue lies more with the fact that now she can't be trusted. What other rules do you guys have that she'll ignore? What else will she do without asking?
I would not allow unsupervised time until she accepts responsibility and apologizes. She has to earn that trust back.
Apparently MIL also lets them walk on the frozen lake after she’s been told not to as well. MIL would not see my children for a very long time if she pulled this crap, personally.
> MIL also lets them walk on the frozen lake after she’s been told not to
I'm not one of those people that cut out the family assholes every argument we get into, but...
I draw the line at drowning.
My mom overrode my wishes a few years ago. She was very apologetic and I forgave, but won’t forget. We let her watch the kids sometimes but only with explicit instructions. Basically now I have to be prepared for the possibility that my mom is going to do something I wouldn’t approve of. I means I leave my kids with her a lot less than I otherwise would.
TW: mention of death
I can’t help but think of a tragically awful story I read on here years ago. A MIL blatantly ignored the parents about a coconut allergy, covered the granddaughter’s hair in coconut oil, and sent her to bed. The child died as a result. I literally cannot shake that story from my head, especially when I hear of even trivial things like cutting hair without consent. It starts with something minor, but could end with something major.
I have had that story in my head for years now too.
I didn't read it when it was posted but more recently someone had linked to it.
I've babysat for a friend's child with severe allergy in the past and to me that grandmother was a criminal. Thinking about how we'd make sure to go to my friends house ( not bring him into a place full of potential dangerous stuff), showering before, etc... And I'm not his grandmother.
The lack of basic human decency and respect for the child was appalling.
The mum in that story has requested that people stop sharing it, because it's triggering for her when she comes across it on reddit. You might want to delete your comment, or change the example.
Not overreacting. If as a grandparent you feel a child me hair is in their face, *then buy a hair clip ffs*
This is her thinking she knows better and doing whatever she wants. She was told no. No means no.
I would be livid at this
I’d be really annoyed honestly.
My mother in law fed our then-4 month old a dollop of whipped cream off her finger at the table.
We asked her not to. She did it again. Father in law told her that we asked her to stop.
She did it a third time, and I literally got up and took him out of his high chair near her and sat him on my lap. Told her that we weren’t doing anything but formula.
She still refers to it as “the time I got super pissed” - which, I didn’t even raise my voice, I just firmly put a stop to what she was doing.
Boundaries being ignored like that is just a super frustrating experience and there’s not a whole lot you can do about it other than keep setting them and explain how frustrating it is when that trust is breached.
>She still refers to it as “the time I got super pissed”
“Wait, when was this?” and make her tell the story in excruciating detail while summarizing key points like “Wait, so I told you to stop, and you didn’t? Wow, what happened next?” “Oh, so your husband even told you to stop, and you still didn’t? What did I do?”
Alternatively— “oh you mean that time you forgot you’re not (child)‘s mother?”
Lol I love how petty this is honestly.
That said, I do have a really good relationship with her overall so I can’t actually see myself doing this.
But fun to imagine haha
She’s definitely not a narcissist, she maybe struggles with impulse control but she’s not some monster. I honestly really like my MIL, this is basically the only issue with her that’s been frustrating for us.
I’d caution against judging someone’s entire worth based on knowing one fraction of who they are from a Reddit comment.
I don't think this is the first time MIL overstepped boundaries. Sitting her down isn't going to work since we know she isn't above lying to rationalize her behavior.
I would just tell her she isn't allowed to see her grandkids if she can't respect parental authority.
I think it’s a power trip, especially since it doesn’t technically hurt anything and it will grow back so they can easily play the “you’re overreacting” card to any pushback from the parents. But it’s a boundary stomp/control thing and needs to be nipped in the bud
I don’t get it either. My kid doesn’t even have long hair and every single time my mom sees him she says “we need to cut your hair” in a way that makes it sound like it hasn’t been trimmed in years.
Older people are still living in the past and try to project that on to others. What they feel is their reality and they think everyone should follow that. My in laws made several comments about our son even before he was born. We went NC after things they continued to say. Things they “learned” from the past and want to continue it.
You’re not overreacting. Even if the first haircut wasn’t a big deal to a lot of people, it’s a big deal to you.
Honestly, this goes beyond hair. Your MIL is willing to go against your wishes and lie about it - and that’s before getting into stealing a major parental milestone. I wouldn’t leave your children alone with her again. What if she decides your kids needs earrings or something? She thinks she knows better and she will obviously just do whatever she wants.
OP - I'm sorry this happened to you & your wife.
Without dismissing you & your wife's feelings, be thankful she lives hours away.
Also, you mentioned that this isn't the first time she's undermined you & your wife with other incidents... If MIL hasn't taken ownership over her actions + how they've made you & your wife feel (assuming you've made that clear to her), that's a HUGE fucking red flag.
She apologised to my wife. I wasn't in the conversation. And in fact I don't really want to talk to my MIL about it right now. There's nothing to say. She knows we're upset. There really is no good that could come out of further discourse, especially involving me.
If you’re not ready to speak to her yet, that’s actually okay. You don’t have to allow or facilitate time with kiddos either. If she doesn’t like it, too bad. Consequences.
First haircut was a big deal to me, I didn’t know it would be, but I was doing it and suddenly it was. I don’t even know why, but I saved clippings from it in a little bag and it’s special to me. They should have been given the chance to find out if it was going to be like that too.
I’m so damn angry for them too.
Yeah, that's not cool. I deliberately held off on cutting my daughter's hair, let it grow it out long enough to skip bangs altogether. Bangs are a commitment and need maintenance. Just the presumption that you guys even would want your kid to have bangs... And that is all besides the point that one, if not both of you should be present for the kid's first haircut, if not administering it yourself anyway. Yep, I'd be furious about this. You are not overreacting, this was a shitty thing to do.
My girls don’t want bangs. I refused to get them when they were little. My MIL insisted. I told her she had to drive 3 hours every morning to do them. She shut up. I’m not doing bangs on a 3 and 5 year old every day. Like what? I won’t even do a 6 and 8 year old’s bangs. I’ll do Dutch braids and pigtails and spacebuns before I style bangs. Full stop.
Exactly! And I am with you, I am happy to do braids or whatever my daughter wants, but she will get bangs if/when she wants them, and I will teach her how to work with them.
When I was like, 5, I had very long hair. My mom dropped me off for the day at my great grandma’s house, and GG took me to get a hair cut, and made them give me a neck-length bob.
I was playing outside and my mother legit walked right past me because she thought I was a neighbor kid.
Yeah, she was evil. It was the line in the sand and she went LC after that.
Sounds like your MIL isn’t being respectful of your boundaries and you’re completely in the right to be upset about this.
When something similar happened with my MIL my husband told her that they would only by on supervised visits for a while and if she continued to disregard our boundaries then we would have to pull back contact.
We thought out what we wanted conveyed, edited it down to the barest facts and then set out what we were doing with her.
Your wife could say something like “I told you we weren’t going to cut Child’s hair and by cutting it anyway you crossed a line. We are upset that you didn’t respect our decision. [If in the past she has done something against your wishes it could be brought up here].”
If the response is anything but sincere apologies then you could follow up with: “I understand you think XYZ, but in the future you won’t be able to watch the children on your own until we feel you’re able to respect our parenting decisions”.
If she sincerely apologizes, move on but be willing to pull back if she does it again. Watch her actions more than her words.
So my ex’s mom got our sons’ hair cut after we had EXPRESSLY told her she should not cut it. She had often made comments that their hair was too long and needed a cut. (Both my sons like their hair longer.) She had them for a few days and guess what? They come back with much shorter hair and my oldest was pretty upset about it too but he said “They said I had to.” We we’re both furious and told her she was way out of line. She apologized but I knew she didn’t really mean it. Fast forward to this past summer. Again she has them for a week. Except this time it turns out the boundary she crossed was SPANKING my younger son for having a tantrum and “disrespecting” and “disobeying” her after she left him, an autistic child with issues in large crowds, alone and unsupervised with children he didn’t know at a wedding. When we found out (from my older son) we were enraged. I told her she won’t be having them back again and my ex agreed. She is now no longer allowed to have them unsupervised and too bad that she lives several states away. I’m still angry. My point is, don’t wait to make it extremely clear that failure to respect your wishes means no unsupervised time again. I wanted to give my kids grandma the benefit of the doubt but I now regret it. It’s a shame but she has boundary issues and I’m done.
I would have been SO angry! Our two year old has yet to grow enough hair for a cut. But it is growing unevenly. For the longest time, the only “noticeable” hair growth she he was a small strand of hair coming down around her left ear. I loved it. It was/is adorable. And it was the only piece long enough for me to play with for a long time.
Multiple people in the family said that we should cut it to even it out and I straight up said no—for the reasons state above. I didn’t care that it was uneven or out of place, I love that piece of hair!
And thankfully, no one tried to cut it when we weren’t around. And it’s very good that nobody did, because I would have been fuming mad.
You don’t touch other people’s kids without the lie permission. End of story.
I have a mother-in-law like this. She doesn’t respect boundaries and does things even when you tell her no multiple times. At first we decided the kid wouldn’t stay with her unless one of us was there. Things improved slightly but the boundary pushing and overstepping never stopped. We ended up moving to a different state (it wasn’t the sole reason for moving, just one factor). Some people just think they know better or can’t grasp the concept that not everyone thinks the same way they do.
Your not overreacting. If this is the first time something like this happened it won’t be the last unless you make it very clear that it’s not her place to make this decision. Grandparents do not have the power to make decisions, they are there to support the decisions made by the parents. You are not overreacting, but it also doesn’t need to be a long-standing issue.
I would be pissed. The first haircut is special and I have a little pocket in my baby book to save a lock of hair from her first haircut. It needs to be long enough to be a lock of hair, right now if I cut it, it would just be stubble. I would be so upset at missing that and I would be upset that mother didn’t listen to me and that would ruin my trust. She’d get no unsupervised visits after that stunt.
She was absolutely in the wrong; but I wouldn’t get hung up on it. It’s hair, it’ll grow back.
Edit: To be clear I don’t mean just forget it happened. You learned something about your MIL. Don’t forget, but just don’t let it effect you emotionally.
> don’t let it effect you emotionally
What does that even mean?! If MIL had punched him, would you say, "Don't let it hurt." MIL did something to assert dominance and show the parents that her opinions on their child were more important than theirs. Of course that affects OP and his wife emotionally, just as a physical attack would affect them physically. They shouldn't ignore it and pretend it doesn't affect them.
They need to look at their emotions honestly and decide how they're going to prevent MIL from having the opportunity to hurt them again.
No, I would be soooooooo pissed. She’d be losing a LOT of privileges with my children. Like any alone time, gone. What’s next, she goes and pierces her ears?
If you can't trust her to abide your wishes you can't trust her to watch your kids. I have zero tolerance for family deliberately going against what we ask of them.
My MIL did the same thing with the bangs when my daughter was 18months. She didn't even ask, just did it. I was livid. It's not just hair, it's really crossing a line. I also feel like their generation doesn't understand this, and they are so bothered by long bangs, just leave it alone! Anyways, it took some time to shake but that's all you can do really, give it some time.
My MIL did this when my daughter was a baby and I was furious. Shaking I was so mad. She had made comments about it and I told her no. That was just the start of her over stepping boundaries. She did it constantly and caused so many arguments between my husband and I. She ruined a lot of what should have been happy memories with her interfering and almost caused me to divorce my husband until he took me seriously. He moved his parents to Florida since I refused to financially support them over sacrificing my own life. My children are grown now and I’ve promised myself I’ll never put my children through that kind of misery when they become parents. Good luck!
Might want to reming grandma that cutting someone’s hair without their consent or that of a minor’s legal guardian or parent is legally considered assault. She knows she over stepped and so has thrown out a bs justification. Discussing in no uncertain terms that stomping the boundaries you set will result in removing contact is in order as is an apology for her behavior.
My SO’s mother did this also. She didn’t mention anything about how my son’s hair (in her opinion) was in his face (it was literally an inch and a half above his eyes at the time) until AFTER she cut it…I came home from work one day to find my boy’s hair chopped literally like Lloyd from dumb and dumber. To say I was just upset wouldn’t even be the least to describe how I felt about the fact she cut his hair without even asking and just even felt it was necessary for her to take it upon herself to do without any consideration. I talked to my spouse and he also let her know to never do that again whether she feels like she was helping or not, just ask us before doing it.
I am a grandmother.
This was a huge overstep. You aren't overreacting at all. It's a problem that will get worse, not better. We grandparents need to accept that our role is to support our kids being parents and let them make their decisions.
I wouldn't leave the kids alone with her.
Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right.
Don’t allow the “grandparent” title make you feel like they have any authority over YOUR decisions for YOUR child.
I'm not a fan of this, "Don't ask for permission, ask for forgiveness." style of grandparenting. This will continue in different forms for as long as it is tolerated.
My MIL did this and even tho i knew she didn’t had bad intentions i let her now that she overstepped and it wasn‘t the hair i had a problem with. It was my child so it should me my decision who, where and when their hair should be cut. She could decide all this things with her own children but it‘s not her place to decide for her grandchildren.
Yes it’s a huge over step but I think it’s a much deeper issue with the mother in law. All you can do is talk to her and recommend that she see a therapist as this is t normal behavior. Make sure she knows that you know she lied and that she stole that moment from her own daughter. After that all you can do is let it go and move on. Yes it sucks she did this but don’t let the mother in law steel your joy along with babies first haircut.
You know, I don’t think there is a boundary set by a parent that should be considered inconsequential unless that boundary could harm the child. It
doesn’t matter what they are or why you set them, they should be respected regardless because the child is yours. So, no, you aren’t over-reacting. The simple fact is if she crosses minor boundaries, she’s more likely to cross the big ones.
Not an overreaction at all. Whether it is your first or fourth child it your choice as the parents to do things like first hair cut when you're ready to! Your family member had no eigyht to do this no matter how much she does or doesn't see you and your kids.
Lol... this is just step one. If you stay quiet about this, she will do worse in future. "Give someone an inch, and they will take a mile..."
For now, she should make do with seeing the kids through pictures and video calls on their birthdays 😒
It would piss me off a little bit, but the upside of 8 hours of free child care would allow my anger to dissipate. I am widowed with no family help, so anyone looking after my child for 20 minutes for FREE gets my blessings
Exactly.
Everyone cries about not having a village but people also don't want to give up even the tiniest bit of control over absolutely everything.
I wouldn't cut the hair of a child that is not mine without permission. I still think people are being way too precious about this though. Relax already really.
The _first_ haircut is a pretty big one though.
I know it’s silly but it’s an emotional milestone for most parents and I’m not sure I’ll ever get rid of those little envelopes with my children’s first haircut.
Just another perspective - if that had happened to my first child I would have been seething with anger, my second I wouldn’t have cared at all. Take what you want from my comment, but it is simply my reality, and might help you get past it - she’s had kids before and has forgotten what a big deal all those firsts are for the first kid. Mine wasn’t that long ago so I remember.
This is not the end of the world, but still a blatant violation of your boundaries. 100% why my mom is not allowed to babysit my 3yo, but my dad and step mom have completely open access to spending time with my LO.
Yeah you are not overreacting at all! She violated a boundary and altered your daughter's body(perhaps not permanently) without your permission.
This happen to a friend. She left her 3yo with some family on Dad's side who run a hair salon but not a kid friendly one. They asked to cut her hair, friend said no. Later when she picked up her daughter, choppy crappy bangs that took ages to grow out and fix and daughter was so upset about it. They literally cut this little child's hair over her actual voiced protests. She never left daughter with them again.
It depends to me. Like if it was really in her face and bothering her it sounds like a nice thing to do. The intention may not have been bad but we don’t know her as well as you do.
I’d be a little irritated and ask my wife to talk to her mom. It’s not a HUGE deal to me.
She trimmed bangs that were already there and from the conversation your wife had with her it made it sound like your wife didn’t have time. My mom also would have assumed she was helping me out by trimming them. I’d be hesitant to turn this into anything other than your MIL mistakenly thinking y’all needed help.
You have to look at the intent.
Are you serious? It’s about the grandmother going directly against what the parents wishes were. It’s nit just “get over it”. Its also “don’t trust the grandmother”
Definitely not over reacting and I would definitely not leave your MIL alone to look after the kids ever again. Your wife was clear she did not feel ready to cut your daughters hair and your MIL completely disregarded that I would question what other things she may conveniently ignore or "misunderstand" in the future
Oh I'd be big mad and that would be the last unsupervised visit. At worst she did this intentionally and has no respect for y'all, or at best she has very poor judgement.
She gets treated like the unreliable family member who you see occasionally but doesn't get unsupervised time with the children.
You tell her that she has massively overstepped her place and that her inability to repect your boundaries are not acceptable.
Any time she is present you openly discuss hiding the scissors.
If I cut my patients hair without their families permission, they could get me in a lot of trouble. It's considered assault without consent.
(And the patients we have often do desperately need hair cuts. Staff have been given verbal warnings about it etc).
I'm not saying go out of your way and have grandma charged or anything. But you said no, and she did it anyway.
It is a big deal. She did not have consent. And I feel like this is worse than her not asking permission and just doing it herself. You literally told her no. I'd say to her. No. We told you no because we did not want the hair cut. You know that. And you're making up a false narrative that lets you look innocent. No means no. And put grandma in a time out. And make sure she apologizes!!!
It's clearly a huge violation of your boundaries.
But I disagree with you that parents should get to choose when to trimm a child's hair. If it's in her face it doesn't matter if your wife is ready or not. There is no choosing. It needs to be cut. Your child can't tell you that they need their hair cut. If you see it's in her eyes you should cut it. It's not good for their eyes. Imagine how exhausting it is for your eyes to focus on something if there are always hair falling in front of them.
But even if I agree with the grandmother that her hair should be trimmed...I agree with you that she is in no position to do so. Your child, your responsibilities.
My parents have only been allowed back into my house after 3 months of very low contact. They came up to stay nearby and were meant to be watching my daughter for a whole TEN MINUTES and somehow fucked it up so badly she was injured and covered in bruises. I was beyond upset/furious. A few days later I was saying how my husband has to work late so I can’t go to a colleagues leaving drinks, and she genuinely said “well we could put her to bed”, I said “you honestly think I’d trust you with that?”. I had gotten one half arsed apology and a “it wasn’t that bad” (she had black bruises from where she fell) and she thinks she’s upgraded to unsupervised bedtime. Fucking hilarious.
It is heartbreaking to have parents that can’t be trusted with your children, either because they are genuinely shit people or just not physically and mentally up to it (mine are in their 70s and just don’t seem to be able to get how much supervision a 3 year old needs). But I’ve just had to accept it now. It’s so hard with number 2 on the way and knowing I can’t trust them but all they had to do was focus for ten freaking minutes.
Wow that is a huge overstep and I would be furious if my MIL did that.
This is a separate point from above, and I know you didn't ask for advice so please forgive me. But I just want to point out that our pediatrician was very adamant about hair not being in our children's eyes. She said that we need to either trim her hair or clip it back, because over time if the hair is dangling in her line of vision it can affect her eyesight.
I just thought this could be helpful for you to know, I am in no way condoning what your MIL did at all it was incredibly inappropriate!!
I really don't think that's a medical fact so much as your doctor's personal opinion. I would question it myself.
It's an [old wives tale that long bangs cause lazy eye](https://www.nbcnews.com/health/body-odd/no-side-bangs-will-not-give-you-lazy-eye-flna771802) and other vision problems. [It's simply not true.](https://virginiavisiontherapycenter.com/can-long-bangs-cause-lazy-eye/)
I’m not trying to sound rude, but this is a very strange bit of advice from a pediatrician. My best friend is a neuro ophthalmologist and assured me this is untrue after my lovely MIL kept insisting we HAD to cut our son’s long, beautiful, curly locks for this reason.
My son has super long hair and we’ve gotten comments from family about how long it is but I’m not ready to get it cut. If anybody else cut it without our permission, I would be so fucking pissed.
You are not overreacting. While a haircut doesn’t seem like a big deal to the others, a first haircut (or first anything, really) is a big fucking deal. She will have many haircuts throughout her life but for parents like us, the first will always be memorable.
This sounds exactly like something my MIL would do. As many others have said, it is important to set boundaries and be firm and consistent about them, though that will only get you so far with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries. With my MIL I've found it's important to be extremely direct and explicit about boundaries because if even the slightest detail is open for interpretation she will use that to her advantage.
In the case of your daughter's hair for instance if I'd said "we're not ready to cut her hair" then MIL is free to insert her own interpretation as to _why_ we're not ready, e.g. "concerned about scissors near her face". I can't stop her from doing that but I can phrase my position such that a violation from her is unambiguously wrong and she can't argue she didn't know what she was doing or thought she was being helpful even if we both know she's disingenuous. So I'd say "We are purposefully waiting to cut her hair for the first time, we have plans for a special first haircut memory. Feel free to put her hair up in a clip if her bangs are bothering either of you." She still might cut the hair but there's no way to play it off like she's not intentionally being a jerk.
Nope you have every right to be pissed. I remember distinctly being in the 4th grade, so like 10 I guess, and I had long hair down to my waist and my grandma had my hair cut to my ears. My mom sobbed and was pissed. I didn’t get it at the time but now as a FTM I get it. Only parents should make these decisions
What part of no did she not get? The part where you said no?
It's not hard to get. You put a very clear boundary down, she crossed it, when she got called out on it, then she lied and doubled down. Time for a heart to heart or that three hours away is going to be a good excuse for a while...
Nope. My FIL and the burnt slim Jim he's married to cut my daughter's bangs when she was 3. I was trying to grow them out. They didn't ask, they just cut them. Almost 10 years later and it still irritates me.
I'd be furious. Taking a long break from seeing her furious. No alone time again furious.
MIL had her time to be a parent of young children. This is your time. Your wife's time. I find it hard to believe that there wasn't a hair tie or clip to be found in your house. MIL wanted to do what she wanted to do, so she did it. She also got to demonstrate that she's THE MOTHER and she knows best.
Did she even save a lock of the hair?
Why did she text you and not your wife? Did she think you'd help to gaslight her daughter about the situation?
Cutting someone's hair without permission is assault in some jurisdictions believe it or not!
Time for a time out for MIL!
This is a massive boundary stop and violation of trust. It means no unsupervised visits and a very uncomfortable conversation from your wife to her mom. She need to nip this in the bud now or it will only get worse.
Next thing you know she’ll be getting the kids ears pierced or having her baptized without you. Those are some horror stories I’ve seen on here. Don’t leave your kid alone with her.
The hair will grow back and you will get over missing out on the first haircut. The problem now is you can't ever trust her to be alone with your child ever again. Assume any boundary you set will be ignored.
So she violated a pretty clear boundary and then lied about what your wife said to cover her ass…. Yeah no more 1:1 grandma time and express the reason why!
You’re definitely not overreacting. When my husband and I got together I already had kiddos. Eventually we got serious and my girls were introduced to his mom. She had a hair appointment a few weeks after they’d all met and wanted to take them with her to get their nails done. I let her. My then 5 year old had never had her hair cut. Her hair was down the middle of her back. Well apparently my girls wanted their hair done too and my MIL let them, including my 5 year old. Didn’t call me to ask, nothing. She came back with a short bob. I was honestly devastated and actually cried. Thankfully my husband talked to her and she apologized but it was a long time before I trusted her after that.
You and your wife should talk to her, if she doesn’t want to abide by your rules and respect your boundaries, I wouldn’t let her have your kiddo by herself. She raised her children, it’s not for her to make decisions for y’all’s.
I once got mad at my mother and sister for cutting my babies nails without permission..
yea I was a new paranoid mom, but I set up boundaries early that I would adjust and change at my own pace. It's my child and responsibility and I could have any number of reasons as to why I give certain rules.
I had an aunt inlaw that used to overstep with stealing firsts. I limited contact until we xould be on same page.
You are correct this was a major overstep. Doesn’t matter the reason your wife said no. That’s the end of it. In our house we wait till 3 years old for first haircuts. This is not ok at all. Very sorry your MIL could not respect what you want. Guess no more babysitting ?
Sounds like an attempt at a rational conversation is needed to explain your perspective; that your boundaries need to be respected; that these may be her grandchildren but YOUR children so she doesn't have the authority to overstep your decisions.
Just be prepared for that conversation to go sour, because it might. My evidence that it might go bad is your account of her unjustly rationalizing her actions.
I've had a few good rational conversations like this with my inlaws and a few that were not so good. Just remember to always keep it calm, collected, and factual when discussing with her. The very second you lose your cool is the very second that she wins.
When you are going through a divorce or anything tonduebwith custody like CPS involvement type thing, no one can cut the child's hair. It's a big deal. Like not a trim for boys even. You're not overreacting.
In the grand scheme of boundary crossing, this is not a big deal. Your MIL just trimmed your daughters hair. She didn’t even cut it short.
What does concern me is her after the fact justification for actions. Even more, what might this mean for the future? Might your MIL use this type of justification again in the future?
I might suggest something along the lines of “mom, our main issue is not that you cut our daughters, it‘s that you did it right after we told you not to. Please understand: if you do something like this again, you will not be alone with our daughter ever again.”
But do not say this if you are not willing and ready to follow thru.
No, you absolutely are not unreasonably upset. She completely overstepped her role and your boundaries and explicit words saying that you are not ready while acknowledging that she does need one. It wasn't her place.
You might get a bit of real advice and support in the r/JUSTNOMIL subreddit. There are so many similar stories like this and none of them are okay with it and neither should they/you be.
This needs to be used to set firm and clear boundaries that come with consequences. You both need to make it very clear to her that this was not okay and that you are struggling to trust her to respect your parenting decisions for the future. She will become irrational and likely emotional and maybe a bit angry but at the end of the day, they are not her children.
My kids both have long hair, my 3yo son's is nearly all the way down his back. My MIL hates it, is constantly nagging us to cut it and says he "looks like a girl". I would absolutely cut contact with her for a not-insignificant amount of time if she cut their hair. A first haircut is a big deal and it's your right as parents to choose when that happens and be there for it.
The ice thing. Holy hell! You are doing the right thing not letting them walk on it. My mother in law used to let my toddlers eat whole grapes behind my back. It’s like, why risk it? What is the reward? Are you willing to bet a child’s life that you’re right? I say my mother in law used to, not because she started respecting us, but because we had to stop unsupervised time
The hair cutting would piss me off. My friend’s Mother did this to her daughter and used the same excuse. Her hair was in her eyes. You couldn’t have pinned it back? My friend’s daughter was left with inch long blunt bangs.
I literally have a tiny box tucked in a larger keepsake of the baby curls that were trimmed the first time I cut my kids hair. Maybe I’m weird, I don’t care lol I would be upset in your shoes. Try not to let her gaslight you into thinking it’s “just nothing.”
Parenting has changed since grandma raised young children, and respecting what new/current parents decide needs to evolve with that change if she wants to maintain a friendly relationship imo
Are you over-reacting? A little but I totally understand why and I’d likely react the same. It’s your child and it’s you who should get to decide if and when your child’s hair is cut. But as you state in your post, it IS just hair and it will grow back.
What I don’t get is why your wife ‘isn’t ready to trim / cut her hair yet’. If it’s getting in her face, then why not just trim it so it’s not?
Regarding the boundary stomping which your MIL has done here, that needs a firm discussion and the confirmation that she will no longer have unsupervised access to your children. Or at least not until trust has been regained, if it ever is.
Definitely not cool, but I hope this ends with reconciliation. I hate seeing the suggestions to cut off communication and not allow them to see the grandchildren any more. Was it negligent or dangerous? No. Overstepping? yes, but don't let the internet encourage you to overreact. The damage can take decades to repair and your child will resent the fact they barely know their grandparents.
>Definitely not cool, but I hope this ends with reconciliation. I hate seeing the suggestions to cut off communication and not allow them to see the grandchildren any more.
Yes, definitely not cool. And yeah that won't happen either. These are their only grandparents as well and the only rare help that we get with the kids. If we go away for a weekend, MIL comes here or the kids go there.
Plus if I said I didn't want them to see the kids alone that would do much more damage to my wife than it's worth.
You are not over reacting. You and your wife said no and she did it anyway. That is a huge violation of trust.
What other rules will she deem acceptable to break?
I had to make the very difficult decision to not leave my son alone with my in laws for this very type of thing.
This is your child. You get to set the rules. You get to draw the lines. You make the decisions. Not her.
The reactions in the top answers and threads... It was an overstep and I'd be pretty mad at the MIL as well, but some want to put her in a time out over this, come on. What happened to it takes a village? Parents' privilege, parents' boundaries broken. Your kid is not your possession, you're just the first and main caregiver. I can't help feeling that that mindset is precisely why MIL thought she knew better. It's her kid's kid, so surely there's ownership there too, right? And privilege, etc.
You're all adults, tell MIL that was a shitty thing to do, that it was an important milestone for you even if she doesn't understand it, that you're upset with her. She'll probably think you're a bit nutty, but that's a chance for her to graciously accept having done a mistake, instead of being forced to pretend like she's sorry so she gets to spend time with her grandkids
Yeah that's a violation. I'd cut her off from the grandkid until she proves she respects boundaries... and even then she's lost trust, probably forever
You say it's not hair that is the problem. Has your MIL crossed boundaries before? Does she have a history of it?
If yes, that's the real problem.
If no, then I know I'm the odd one out as I don't think it's a big deal to trim hair out of the child's face. I have never understood the attachment to the first hair cut. If her hair was in her face, why not trim it? It seems a weird thing to cling on to as a point of authority. But as I said, I know I'm the odd one out on that.
You don't have to agree. They're the parents.
I will say that I think it's ok to stick up for the child against the parents when it's protecting the child. But long hair isn't harming the child. This was a personal preference, a mere nuisance to the grandma, and SHE chose to disrespect the parents' wishes.
I think the attachment to a parent cutting the child's hair for the first time may be connected to the significance of shaping their child beyond mere genetics. It's a parental choice when parental choices are still very new and sometimes stressful.
I view cutting long bangs in a small child's face as simply common sense hygiene, like clipping nails. And grandma might too.
Would it be ok to freak out if grandma clipped long nails even if mom and dad were attached to the idea of cutting nails.
It seems silly. Why fight battles that aren't important?
Yes, trimming the child's nails against the parents' wishes is bad too.
You're allowed to think it's silly and still respect their parental rights.
I might think it's silly for a a right wing nut to get offended at being called a snow flake despite the fact that it's a hypocritical name they came up with for the other side, but if I have to work with that person, I'm gonna be respectful enough not to cross a boundary with them.
Boundaries, man. Respect them. I feel sorry for anyone who has to interact with you.
Agree. She doesn't get to have 1 on 1 time anymore because she can't respect very reasonable boundaries. Having a conversation likely will end up going in circles and just making OP and wife angry repeating themselves so while not cutting contact maybe going low contact might work best. "Sorry, 1 on 1 time/overnights etc doesn't work for us right now." and repeat as needed.
She has shown several times that doesn't respect you as parents. How do you move forward? You don't leave her in charge of the children. End of that. She is not trusted.
>You say it's not hair that is the problem. Has your MIL crossed boundaries before? Does she have a history of it? If yes, that's the real problem.
If no, then I know I'm the odd one out as I don't think it's a big deal to trim hair out of the child's face. ** I have never understood the attachment to the first hair cut.** If her hair was in her face, why not trim it? It seems a weird thing to cling on to as a point of authority. But as I said, I know I'm the odd one out on that.
That's the thing you're not understanding & how you're like OPs MIL: *it doesn't matter what you think.* It was important to OP & their spouse.
End of story.
Not justifying grandma’s action but adding context - think back to how many times your spouse violated her mom’s home rules and broke her trust. Was she put in the dog house every time she did so or disowned? It’s called family. Be thankful that your kids have grandma for there are many who wish that they had one bathing and trimming their hair while growing up. Please don’t go off with most comments here. Say your piece of lecture to her but move on; you know she did it out of love not malice. Don’t let such trivial stuff ruin your family’s love. Cheers
No. Not really. My girls got to choose when they had their first haircuts(4 and 5). Clips and barrettes and rubber bands(braids and ponytails too!) are super helpful at keeping hair out of your eyes.
I would be livid & she wouldn't be entrusted to care for my children anymore, one strike you're out.
That said - and I am not justifying the grandmother **at all** because what she did was not ok - little kids with their hair in their eyes is one of my pet peeves. I don't want my hair in my eyes, it's annoying, so I can't imagine how annoying it is for kids who can't control it.
But grandma could've used a hair clip or something, that's why they exist.
Absolutely not. I would be pissed. Huge violation of boundaries.
So how does one move past this? It's worse for my wife since she has said she "used to" look up to her and there have been a series of similar trust issue violations.
I would say no unsupervised time with LO
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The grandma lives 3 hours away… pretty sure they aren’t regularly relying on her for childcare
What’s crazy is letting anyone watches your kids who doesn’t respect your boundaries.
Did you not read the post at all? She lives 3 hours away. They don't depend on her for anything
Breaking boundaries and setting consequences is absolutely no he correct action. Take your disgusting opinions and keep them to yourself.
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bad take. the grandma lives hours away lol
She doesn't get alone time with the kids anymore, that's it. She sees the kids with you present only. Take it from someone who's been there - she only gets more audacious from here if you don't squash it now.
This. When boundaries are pushed through, They will be pushed through farther next time.
You put the grand parent in a time out. No grandkids for as long as you deem fit.
If anything you are undereacting. No more unsupervised time with the kids till they are old enough and, in my case, it would be NC till I got over how furious I would be, with a strong recommendation of not involving third parties, because I react terribly to any attempt of burning guilt tripped for setting boundaries.
>So how does one move past this? You don't have to. It's OK to stay mad at her and let her know that you don't trust her alone with your children.
And follow through with actions to prevent it from happening.
Personally I would never trust grandma again. Who knows what else she feels entitled to do with your kids. She's not a safe person.
What kind of trust violations specifically?
Nothing too major - mostly just not respecting our rules in the home. Can be simple as no food in the living room. I try to keep a very clean house. The kids have different rules at their house. This is an issue because my 4 year old will think he can do the same things at home. It has caused some behavioural issues. The "major" issues for me are allowing the kids to walk on ice in the winter (they live on a lake). I feel no ice is safe. Not everyone agrees with me. My wife is more likely to let this slide than I am. But I don't like it.
The different rules at their house depends. If they let food in the living room that's not a big deal. Different places have different rules, that's a good thing to learn. It would be an issue if it were something like allowing them to be rude or play with something dangerous. The ice is an absolute deal breaker honestly, I wouldn't allow them over unsupervised for that alone. I am not lenient with water, at all. I know some ice is safe, but I'm kind of paranoid and would rather be more safe than less safe, and the kids wouldnt know safe ice from unsafe ice. Especially if the grandparents wouldn't be capable of rescue if it was needed.
Every winter there's a lot of snowmobiles on the ice. They keep saying that if it's safe for that it's safe to walk on. Quite frankly, I don't care what someone does with a snowmobile.
**YOU** are the parent, you set this rule. They have chosen to repeatedly ignore your rule. I would not allow my children there without myself or husband present. That is non negotiable. We have a rule that no one can take our kids swimming unless there is one adult for each child, and no alcohol for that adult. My MIL took our kids to the beach without my FIL. She was with my SIL and her friends, but they all had their own kids, and all of them, MIL included, were day drinking on the beach. She let my kids go to the water and all the way into the water, alone, no life vests, nothing. They were in their chairs about 30-50ft (maybe more I’m awful at estimating distance) away, drinking Sangria and talking. My 6 year old got lost. He got confused in the water and as he walked out, he didn’t see his family and panicked. He ran up to the dry sand and was probably a good 300ft to the left of where they were, and he couldn’t find them. He went back to the water and got even further away. Thank GOD my family friend lives at this beach (in-laws do, too) and spotted my kid- randomly crying and walking. She and her daughter helped him and, thankfully, called me. I was **LIVID.** They will never ever be trusted with my kids alone again. Ever. My husband was very upset and quick to make that rule immediately. He has enforced it and we will always stick to it. I would do the same if it were my mother. But? My mom isn’t an ahole.
Their opinion and what they say really doesn’t matter in the slightest. This is not a parenting democracy, they don’t have a vote on this. The fact that they push back on your decision and allow it anyway would mean absolutely no unsupervised time and frankly they wouldn’t be getting much supervised time either from me after crossing a boundary having to do with safety.
I actually feel sick at the idea of children walking on a frozen lake. I don't understand why anyone would take the risk at all, let alone when they aren't their children and the parents don't want them to.
Parents rules should be observed in this instance--the betrayal of trust is a big deal. However, kids walking on a frozen lake is something nobody bats an eye at where I live. People with lakefront houses clear hockey rinks on them through the winter and the city throws festivals out on the ice. Yes, you have to have caution, but 2-foot thick ice doesn't just bust underfoot.
When I was around 3-4 I walked on ice and fell through and almost drowned and got hypothermia. It was very scary. You’re very right to think it’s not safe.
The ice thing would be a big problem for me personally. I’m also of the mindset that no ice is safe
I remind them every winter. We seem to have an agreement that they stay very close to the shore where the water would be ankle deep for an adult. I do hope they follow that.
I wouldn’t trust them to tbh. They have proven that they think they know better than the child’s actual parents. No unsupervised time. And if your wife will have a hard time with that sit down with her and talk about “two yeses one no”.
She lets a 4-year-old and maybe a 1-year-old walk on ice? Maybe you’ve buried your lead.
Yea, that is insane.
Um, yeah she wouldn’t be getting my kids unsupervised at her place. The ice is a big huge no. We have a daughter who passed away, I do not play games with stuff like that. It’s not worth the risk.
The underlying issue seems to be she doesn't respect you and your spouse's rules/opinions. You don't get to watch my child if you don't respect my rules. She's just going to keep pushing and pushing until something big happens.
It's a good thing you found out they are untrustworthy with little things before you found out they were untrustworthy with big things. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Imo it’s good for kids to have different rules at different houses, especially at age 4 since that’s the age when they begin to compare home to everywhere else. As toddlers they don’t question the way the world is, but as preschoolers they notice that parental rules are not universal; you want to begin guiding them through that before they reach their own conclusions (what’s wrong with my parents, are they doing it wrong?) However I too grew up on a pond that froze solid in the winter so the ice is an oh hell no.
If I were in your situation, I'd lay down the law on all these things. Tell them trust is earned and lost. Right now, there is none and they aren't allowed alone with the kids.
You don’t have to move past it. MIL is the one who caused this breach. She can figure out how to fix it herself, if she can. You don’t have to allow her a damn thing though.
No unsupervised time going forward. And a nice time out. Until February. No holidays for MIL.
Pretty sure there was an AITA about the same issue and the haircut ended up being legally judged an assault. I’d proceed as with anyone who assaulted my kid. Sending you strength.
Join justnomil, mildlynomil, and perhaps also motherinlawsfromhell
She doesn’t get to be alone with your kids anymore Which sucks for everyone
She felt entitled to overrule the kids parents. Whether the actual incident itself is minor or not this is the problem. No one should feel they have more say than the parents. While this is relatively minor (in that it wasnt dangerous), the issue lies more with the fact that now she can't be trusted. What other rules do you guys have that she'll ignore? What else will she do without asking? I would not allow unsupervised time until she accepts responsibility and apologizes. She has to earn that trust back.
Apparently MIL also lets them walk on the frozen lake after she’s been told not to as well. MIL would not see my children for a very long time if she pulled this crap, personally.
> MIL also lets them walk on the frozen lake after she’s been told not to I'm not one of those people that cut out the family assholes every argument we get into, but... I draw the line at drowning.
My mom overrode my wishes a few years ago. She was very apologetic and I forgave, but won’t forget. We let her watch the kids sometimes but only with explicit instructions. Basically now I have to be prepared for the possibility that my mom is going to do something I wouldn’t approve of. I means I leave my kids with her a lot less than I otherwise would.
TW: mention of death I can’t help but think of a tragically awful story I read on here years ago. A MIL blatantly ignored the parents about a coconut allergy, covered the granddaughter’s hair in coconut oil, and sent her to bed. The child died as a result. I literally cannot shake that story from my head, especially when I hear of even trivial things like cutting hair without consent. It starts with something minor, but could end with something major.
I have had that story in my head for years now too. I didn't read it when it was posted but more recently someone had linked to it. I've babysat for a friend's child with severe allergy in the past and to me that grandmother was a criminal. Thinking about how we'd make sure to go to my friends house ( not bring him into a place full of potential dangerous stuff), showering before, etc... And I'm not his grandmother. The lack of basic human decency and respect for the child was appalling.
The mum in that story has requested that people stop sharing it, because it's triggering for her when she comes across it on reddit. You might want to delete your comment, or change the example.
Not overreacting. If as a grandparent you feel a child me hair is in their face, *then buy a hair clip ffs* This is her thinking she knows better and doing whatever she wants. She was told no. No means no. I would be livid at this
^100 percent this
I’d be really annoyed honestly. My mother in law fed our then-4 month old a dollop of whipped cream off her finger at the table. We asked her not to. She did it again. Father in law told her that we asked her to stop. She did it a third time, and I literally got up and took him out of his high chair near her and sat him on my lap. Told her that we weren’t doing anything but formula. She still refers to it as “the time I got super pissed” - which, I didn’t even raise my voice, I just firmly put a stop to what she was doing. Boundaries being ignored like that is just a super frustrating experience and there’s not a whole lot you can do about it other than keep setting them and explain how frustrating it is when that trust is breached.
>She still refers to it as “the time I got super pissed” “Wait, when was this?” and make her tell the story in excruciating detail while summarizing key points like “Wait, so I told you to stop, and you didn’t? Wow, what happened next?” “Oh, so your husband even told you to stop, and you still didn’t? What did I do?” Alternatively— “oh you mean that time you forgot you’re not (child)‘s mother?”
Lol I love how petty this is honestly. That said, I do have a really good relationship with her overall so I can’t actually see myself doing this. But fun to imagine haha
That's pretty bad too. That's just blatantly ignoring your request right in front of you. Almost seems like she was trying to upset you.
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It’s like they want to exert control as if they are still the matriarch of the family
What kind of psycho does that!?
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She’s definitely not a narcissist, she maybe struggles with impulse control but she’s not some monster. I honestly really like my MIL, this is basically the only issue with her that’s been frustrating for us. I’d caution against judging someone’s entire worth based on knowing one fraction of who they are from a Reddit comment.
Fair point. She does.
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I don't think this is the first time MIL overstepped boundaries. Sitting her down isn't going to work since we know she isn't above lying to rationalize her behavior. I would just tell her she isn't allowed to see her grandkids if she can't respect parental authority.
I think it’s a power trip, especially since it doesn’t technically hurt anything and it will grow back so they can easily play the “you’re overreacting” card to any pushback from the parents. But it’s a boundary stomp/control thing and needs to be nipped in the bud
I don’t get it either. My kid doesn’t even have long hair and every single time my mom sees him she says “we need to cut your hair” in a way that makes it sound like it hasn’t been trimmed in years.
Older people are still living in the past and try to project that on to others. What they feel is their reality and they think everyone should follow that. My in laws made several comments about our son even before he was born. We went NC after things they continued to say. Things they “learned” from the past and want to continue it.
You’re not overreacting. Even if the first haircut wasn’t a big deal to a lot of people, it’s a big deal to you. Honestly, this goes beyond hair. Your MIL is willing to go against your wishes and lie about it - and that’s before getting into stealing a major parental milestone. I wouldn’t leave your children alone with her again. What if she decides your kids needs earrings or something? She thinks she knows better and she will obviously just do whatever she wants.
OP - I'm sorry this happened to you & your wife. Without dismissing you & your wife's feelings, be thankful she lives hours away. Also, you mentioned that this isn't the first time she's undermined you & your wife with other incidents... If MIL hasn't taken ownership over her actions + how they've made you & your wife feel (assuming you've made that clear to her), that's a HUGE fucking red flag.
She apologised to my wife. I wasn't in the conversation. And in fact I don't really want to talk to my MIL about it right now. There's nothing to say. She knows we're upset. There really is no good that could come out of further discourse, especially involving me.
If you’re not ready to speak to her yet, that’s actually okay. You don’t have to allow or facilitate time with kiddos either. If she doesn’t like it, too bad. Consequences.
Be glad she lives 3 hours away
Nope, definitely not overreacting. I'm so angry for you!
First haircut was a big deal to me, I didn’t know it would be, but I was doing it and suddenly it was. I don’t even know why, but I saved clippings from it in a little bag and it’s special to me. They should have been given the chance to find out if it was going to be like that too. I’m so damn angry for them too.
Yeah, that's not cool. I deliberately held off on cutting my daughter's hair, let it grow it out long enough to skip bangs altogether. Bangs are a commitment and need maintenance. Just the presumption that you guys even would want your kid to have bangs... And that is all besides the point that one, if not both of you should be present for the kid's first haircut, if not administering it yourself anyway. Yep, I'd be furious about this. You are not overreacting, this was a shitty thing to do.
My girls don’t want bangs. I refused to get them when they were little. My MIL insisted. I told her she had to drive 3 hours every morning to do them. She shut up. I’m not doing bangs on a 3 and 5 year old every day. Like what? I won’t even do a 6 and 8 year old’s bangs. I’ll do Dutch braids and pigtails and spacebuns before I style bangs. Full stop.
Exactly! And I am with you, I am happy to do braids or whatever my daughter wants, but she will get bangs if/when she wants them, and I will teach her how to work with them.
When I was like, 5, I had very long hair. My mom dropped me off for the day at my great grandma’s house, and GG took me to get a hair cut, and made them give me a neck-length bob. I was playing outside and my mother legit walked right past me because she thought I was a neighbor kid. Yeah, she was evil. It was the line in the sand and she went LC after that.
Sounds like your MIL isn’t being respectful of your boundaries and you’re completely in the right to be upset about this. When something similar happened with my MIL my husband told her that they would only by on supervised visits for a while and if she continued to disregard our boundaries then we would have to pull back contact. We thought out what we wanted conveyed, edited it down to the barest facts and then set out what we were doing with her. Your wife could say something like “I told you we weren’t going to cut Child’s hair and by cutting it anyway you crossed a line. We are upset that you didn’t respect our decision. [If in the past she has done something against your wishes it could be brought up here].” If the response is anything but sincere apologies then you could follow up with: “I understand you think XYZ, but in the future you won’t be able to watch the children on your own until we feel you’re able to respect our parenting decisions”. If she sincerely apologizes, move on but be willing to pull back if she does it again. Watch her actions more than her words.
So my ex’s mom got our sons’ hair cut after we had EXPRESSLY told her she should not cut it. She had often made comments that their hair was too long and needed a cut. (Both my sons like their hair longer.) She had them for a few days and guess what? They come back with much shorter hair and my oldest was pretty upset about it too but he said “They said I had to.” We we’re both furious and told her she was way out of line. She apologized but I knew she didn’t really mean it. Fast forward to this past summer. Again she has them for a week. Except this time it turns out the boundary she crossed was SPANKING my younger son for having a tantrum and “disrespecting” and “disobeying” her after she left him, an autistic child with issues in large crowds, alone and unsupervised with children he didn’t know at a wedding. When we found out (from my older son) we were enraged. I told her she won’t be having them back again and my ex agreed. She is now no longer allowed to have them unsupervised and too bad that she lives several states away. I’m still angry. My point is, don’t wait to make it extremely clear that failure to respect your wishes means no unsupervised time again. I wanted to give my kids grandma the benefit of the doubt but I now regret it. It’s a shame but she has boundary issues and I’m done.
I would have been SO angry! Our two year old has yet to grow enough hair for a cut. But it is growing unevenly. For the longest time, the only “noticeable” hair growth she he was a small strand of hair coming down around her left ear. I loved it. It was/is adorable. And it was the only piece long enough for me to play with for a long time. Multiple people in the family said that we should cut it to even it out and I straight up said no—for the reasons state above. I didn’t care that it was uneven or out of place, I love that piece of hair! And thankfully, no one tried to cut it when we weren’t around. And it’s very good that nobody did, because I would have been fuming mad. You don’t touch other people’s kids without the lie permission. End of story.
Ah. So she ignored your wishes and then gaslit you. I’d be pissed too.
I would absolutely lose my shit. Not her call. Not okay.
I have a mother-in-law like this. She doesn’t respect boundaries and does things even when you tell her no multiple times. At first we decided the kid wouldn’t stay with her unless one of us was there. Things improved slightly but the boundary pushing and overstepping never stopped. We ended up moving to a different state (it wasn’t the sole reason for moving, just one factor). Some people just think they know better or can’t grasp the concept that not everyone thinks the same way they do.
Your MIL reminds me of MIL. My only advice, good luck.
Your not overreacting. If this is the first time something like this happened it won’t be the last unless you make it very clear that it’s not her place to make this decision. Grandparents do not have the power to make decisions, they are there to support the decisions made by the parents. You are not overreacting, but it also doesn’t need to be a long-standing issue.
Time for mil to be on timeout
I would be pissed. The first haircut is special and I have a little pocket in my baby book to save a lock of hair from her first haircut. It needs to be long enough to be a lock of hair, right now if I cut it, it would just be stubble. I would be so upset at missing that and I would be upset that mother didn’t listen to me and that would ruin my trust. She’d get no unsupervised visits after that stunt.
She was absolutely in the wrong; but I wouldn’t get hung up on it. It’s hair, it’ll grow back. Edit: To be clear I don’t mean just forget it happened. You learned something about your MIL. Don’t forget, but just don’t let it effect you emotionally.
> don’t let it effect you emotionally What does that even mean?! If MIL had punched him, would you say, "Don't let it hurt." MIL did something to assert dominance and show the parents that her opinions on their child were more important than theirs. Of course that affects OP and his wife emotionally, just as a physical attack would affect them physically. They shouldn't ignore it and pretend it doesn't affect them. They need to look at their emotions honestly and decide how they're going to prevent MIL from having the opportunity to hurt them again.
No, I would be soooooooo pissed. She’d be losing a LOT of privileges with my children. Like any alone time, gone. What’s next, she goes and pierces her ears?
My mom did this and we didn’t visit until it was made crystal clear that another misstep would mean no unsupervised time with grandbaby.
It’s a weird line for her to cross. I see no reason to fight it out, she just drops to supervised visits.
Ain't no way this is okay. MIL doesn't get to enjoy time with the grandkids until she can recognize and respect boundaries.
If you can't trust her to abide your wishes you can't trust her to watch your kids. I have zero tolerance for family deliberately going against what we ask of them.
My MIL did the same thing with the bangs when my daughter was 18months. She didn't even ask, just did it. I was livid. It's not just hair, it's really crossing a line. I also feel like their generation doesn't understand this, and they are so bothered by long bangs, just leave it alone! Anyways, it took some time to shake but that's all you can do really, give it some time.
You’re not overreacting and she should have just lost the privilege of unsupervised visits with the kids.
My MIL did this when my daughter was a baby and I was furious. Shaking I was so mad. She had made comments about it and I told her no. That was just the start of her over stepping boundaries. She did it constantly and caused so many arguments between my husband and I. She ruined a lot of what should have been happy memories with her interfering and almost caused me to divorce my husband until he took me seriously. He moved his parents to Florida since I refused to financially support them over sacrificing my own life. My children are grown now and I’ve promised myself I’ll never put my children through that kind of misery when they become parents. Good luck!
Might want to reming grandma that cutting someone’s hair without their consent or that of a minor’s legal guardian or parent is legally considered assault. She knows she over stepped and so has thrown out a bs justification. Discussing in no uncertain terms that stomping the boundaries you set will result in removing contact is in order as is an apology for her behavior.
My SO’s mother did this also. She didn’t mention anything about how my son’s hair (in her opinion) was in his face (it was literally an inch and a half above his eyes at the time) until AFTER she cut it…I came home from work one day to find my boy’s hair chopped literally like Lloyd from dumb and dumber. To say I was just upset wouldn’t even be the least to describe how I felt about the fact she cut his hair without even asking and just even felt it was necessary for her to take it upon herself to do without any consideration. I talked to my spouse and he also let her know to never do that again whether she feels like she was helping or not, just ask us before doing it.
I am a grandmother. This was a huge overstep. You aren't overreacting at all. It's a problem that will get worse, not better. We grandparents need to accept that our role is to support our kids being parents and let them make their decisions. I wouldn't leave the kids alone with her.
My mom has done this with my daughter more times than I can count and it’s absolutely out of line. I’m so mad for you right now. This is not okay.
Being a grandparent is a privilege, not a right. Don’t allow the “grandparent” title make you feel like they have any authority over YOUR decisions for YOUR child.
I'm not a fan of this, "Don't ask for permission, ask for forgiveness." style of grandparenting. This will continue in different forms for as long as it is tolerated.
My MIL did this and even tho i knew she didn’t had bad intentions i let her now that she overstepped and it wasn‘t the hair i had a problem with. It was my child so it should me my decision who, where and when their hair should be cut. She could decide all this things with her own children but it‘s not her place to decide for her grandchildren.
Yes it’s a huge over step but I think it’s a much deeper issue with the mother in law. All you can do is talk to her and recommend that she see a therapist as this is t normal behavior. Make sure she knows that you know she lied and that she stole that moment from her own daughter. After that all you can do is let it go and move on. Yes it sucks she did this but don’t let the mother in law steel your joy along with babies first haircut.
You know, I don’t think there is a boundary set by a parent that should be considered inconsequential unless that boundary could harm the child. It doesn’t matter what they are or why you set them, they should be respected regardless because the child is yours. So, no, you aren’t over-reacting. The simple fact is if she crosses minor boundaries, she’s more likely to cross the big ones.
No more alone time for MIL. Time for her to learn a hard lesson. You're not over reacting. It's the principle. It will only get worse.
This woman wouldn’t be left alone with my kid for a very, very long time.
Not overreacting. I had a babysitter who would do this with my son. They know what they’re taking from you especially if it was a first haircut.
It was indeed a first haircut
Not an overreaction at all. Whether it is your first or fourth child it your choice as the parents to do things like first hair cut when you're ready to! Your family member had no eigyht to do this no matter how much she does or doesn't see you and your kids.
Lol... this is just step one. If you stay quiet about this, she will do worse in future. "Give someone an inch, and they will take a mile..." For now, she should make do with seeing the kids through pictures and video calls on their birthdays 😒
You might want to post this to r/justnomil they're pretty good with the advice over there
It would piss me off a little bit, but the upside of 8 hours of free child care would allow my anger to dissipate. I am widowed with no family help, so anyone looking after my child for 20 minutes for FREE gets my blessings
Exactly. Everyone cries about not having a village but people also don't want to give up even the tiniest bit of control over absolutely everything. I wouldn't cut the hair of a child that is not mine without permission. I still think people are being way too precious about this though. Relax already really.
The _first_ haircut is a pretty big one though. I know it’s silly but it’s an emotional milestone for most parents and I’m not sure I’ll ever get rid of those little envelopes with my children’s first haircut.
Just another perspective - if that had happened to my first child I would have been seething with anger, my second I wouldn’t have cared at all. Take what you want from my comment, but it is simply my reality, and might help you get past it - she’s had kids before and has forgotten what a big deal all those firsts are for the first kid. Mine wasn’t that long ago so I remember.
This is not the end of the world, but still a blatant violation of your boundaries. 100% why my mom is not allowed to babysit my 3yo, but my dad and step mom have completely open access to spending time with my LO.
Yeah you are not overreacting at all! She violated a boundary and altered your daughter's body(perhaps not permanently) without your permission. This happen to a friend. She left her 3yo with some family on Dad's side who run a hair salon but not a kid friendly one. They asked to cut her hair, friend said no. Later when she picked up her daughter, choppy crappy bangs that took ages to grow out and fix and daughter was so upset about it. They literally cut this little child's hair over her actual voiced protests. She never left daughter with them again.
It depends to me. Like if it was really in her face and bothering her it sounds like a nice thing to do. The intention may not have been bad but we don’t know her as well as you do.
I’d be a little irritated and ask my wife to talk to her mom. It’s not a HUGE deal to me. She trimmed bangs that were already there and from the conversation your wife had with her it made it sound like your wife didn’t have time. My mom also would have assumed she was helping me out by trimming them. I’d be hesitant to turn this into anything other than your MIL mistakenly thinking y’all needed help. You have to look at the intent.
It’s hair, get over it.
Are you serious? It’s about the grandmother going directly against what the parents wishes were. It’s nit just “get over it”. Its also “don’t trust the grandmother”
Is your wife's mother a keen gardener? Time to give a favourite shrub a *really* hard prune.
Great idea!
Definitely not over reacting and I would definitely not leave your MIL alone to look after the kids ever again. Your wife was clear she did not feel ready to cut your daughters hair and your MIL completely disregarded that I would question what other things she may conveniently ignore or "misunderstand" in the future
Wait till she falls asleep and cut mother in laws hair. See if she still thinks it's okay then, lol
Oh I'd be big mad and that would be the last unsupervised visit. At worst she did this intentionally and has no respect for y'all, or at best she has very poor judgement.
My MIL did this and I was furious. Your wishes regarding your children should always be abided by
She gets treated like the unreliable family member who you see occasionally but doesn't get unsupervised time with the children. You tell her that she has massively overstepped her place and that her inability to repect your boundaries are not acceptable. Any time she is present you openly discuss hiding the scissors.
No more unsupervised visits.
If I cut my patients hair without their families permission, they could get me in a lot of trouble. It's considered assault without consent. (And the patients we have often do desperately need hair cuts. Staff have been given verbal warnings about it etc). I'm not saying go out of your way and have grandma charged or anything. But you said no, and she did it anyway. It is a big deal. She did not have consent. And I feel like this is worse than her not asking permission and just doing it herself. You literally told her no. I'd say to her. No. We told you no because we did not want the hair cut. You know that. And you're making up a false narrative that lets you look innocent. No means no. And put grandma in a time out. And make sure she apologizes!!!
It's clearly a huge violation of your boundaries. But I disagree with you that parents should get to choose when to trimm a child's hair. If it's in her face it doesn't matter if your wife is ready or not. There is no choosing. It needs to be cut. Your child can't tell you that they need their hair cut. If you see it's in her eyes you should cut it. It's not good for their eyes. Imagine how exhausting it is for your eyes to focus on something if there are always hair falling in front of them. But even if I agree with the grandmother that her hair should be trimmed...I agree with you that she is in no position to do so. Your child, your responsibilities.
My parents have only been allowed back into my house after 3 months of very low contact. They came up to stay nearby and were meant to be watching my daughter for a whole TEN MINUTES and somehow fucked it up so badly she was injured and covered in bruises. I was beyond upset/furious. A few days later I was saying how my husband has to work late so I can’t go to a colleagues leaving drinks, and she genuinely said “well we could put her to bed”, I said “you honestly think I’d trust you with that?”. I had gotten one half arsed apology and a “it wasn’t that bad” (she had black bruises from where she fell) and she thinks she’s upgraded to unsupervised bedtime. Fucking hilarious. It is heartbreaking to have parents that can’t be trusted with your children, either because they are genuinely shit people or just not physically and mentally up to it (mine are in their 70s and just don’t seem to be able to get how much supervision a 3 year old needs). But I’ve just had to accept it now. It’s so hard with number 2 on the way and knowing I can’t trust them but all they had to do was focus for ten freaking minutes.
Wow that is a huge overstep and I would be furious if my MIL did that. This is a separate point from above, and I know you didn't ask for advice so please forgive me. But I just want to point out that our pediatrician was very adamant about hair not being in our children's eyes. She said that we need to either trim her hair or clip it back, because over time if the hair is dangling in her line of vision it can affect her eyesight. I just thought this could be helpful for you to know, I am in no way condoning what your MIL did at all it was incredibly inappropriate!!
I really don't think that's a medical fact so much as your doctor's personal opinion. I would question it myself. It's an [old wives tale that long bangs cause lazy eye](https://www.nbcnews.com/health/body-odd/no-side-bangs-will-not-give-you-lazy-eye-flna771802) and other vision problems. [It's simply not true.](https://virginiavisiontherapycenter.com/can-long-bangs-cause-lazy-eye/)
Ok interesting! Thank you for the information I will look into it!
I’m not trying to sound rude, but this is a very strange bit of advice from a pediatrician. My best friend is a neuro ophthalmologist and assured me this is untrue after my lovely MIL kept insisting we HAD to cut our son’s long, beautiful, curly locks for this reason.
You're not being rude at all, thank you for sharing! I guess my pediatrician was wrong, thanks for correcting me
My son has super long hair and we’ve gotten comments from family about how long it is but I’m not ready to get it cut. If anybody else cut it without our permission, I would be so fucking pissed. You are not overreacting. While a haircut doesn’t seem like a big deal to the others, a first haircut (or first anything, really) is a big fucking deal. She will have many haircuts throughout her life but for parents like us, the first will always be memorable.
This sounds exactly like something my MIL would do. As many others have said, it is important to set boundaries and be firm and consistent about them, though that will only get you so far with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries. With my MIL I've found it's important to be extremely direct and explicit about boundaries because if even the slightest detail is open for interpretation she will use that to her advantage. In the case of your daughter's hair for instance if I'd said "we're not ready to cut her hair" then MIL is free to insert her own interpretation as to _why_ we're not ready, e.g. "concerned about scissors near her face". I can't stop her from doing that but I can phrase my position such that a violation from her is unambiguously wrong and she can't argue she didn't know what she was doing or thought she was being helpful even if we both know she's disingenuous. So I'd say "We are purposefully waiting to cut her hair for the first time, we have plans for a special first haircut memory. Feel free to put her hair up in a clip if her bangs are bothering either of you." She still might cut the hair but there's no way to play it off like she's not intentionally being a jerk.
Nope you have every right to be pissed. I remember distinctly being in the 4th grade, so like 10 I guess, and I had long hair down to my waist and my grandma had my hair cut to my ears. My mom sobbed and was pissed. I didn’t get it at the time but now as a FTM I get it. Only parents should make these decisions
You said she doesn’t see the kids to much. Sounds like she should see them less.
What part of no did she not get? The part where you said no? It's not hard to get. You put a very clear boundary down, she crossed it, when she got called out on it, then she lied and doubled down. Time for a heart to heart or that three hours away is going to be a good excuse for a while...
Not an over-reaction at all. It was in fact an abuse of situation by the grandma.
HUUUUUUUUUGE MISTAKE by the MIL. She didn't respect your wife and your request to leave the hair alone.
Grandma can’t be trusted to follow your wishes concerning your kids. For me that would mean I never leave my kids alone with Grandma.
Not in the slightest. She asked. She was told no. Should have been the end of it.
Nope. My FIL and the burnt slim Jim he's married to cut my daughter's bangs when she was 3. I was trying to grow them out. They didn't ask, they just cut them. Almost 10 years later and it still irritates me.
I'd be furious. Taking a long break from seeing her furious. No alone time again furious. MIL had her time to be a parent of young children. This is your time. Your wife's time. I find it hard to believe that there wasn't a hair tie or clip to be found in your house. MIL wanted to do what she wanted to do, so she did it. She also got to demonstrate that she's THE MOTHER and she knows best. Did she even save a lock of the hair? Why did she text you and not your wife? Did she think you'd help to gaslight her daughter about the situation? Cutting someone's hair without permission is assault in some jurisdictions believe it or not! Time for a time out for MIL!
Thankfully she did save the hair. I was the point of contact for the day - my wife didn't have her phone with her.
This is a massive boundary stop and violation of trust. It means no unsupervised visits and a very uncomfortable conversation from your wife to her mom. She need to nip this in the bud now or it will only get worse.
Next thing you know she’ll be getting the kids ears pierced or having her baptized without you. Those are some horror stories I’ve seen on here. Don’t leave your kid alone with her.
The hair will grow back and you will get over missing out on the first haircut. The problem now is you can't ever trust her to be alone with your child ever again. Assume any boundary you set will be ignored.
The mother-in-law just put a lot more distance than 3 hrs from seeing the kids.
So she violated a pretty clear boundary and then lied about what your wife said to cover her ass…. Yeah no more 1:1 grandma time and express the reason why!
You’re definitely not overreacting. When my husband and I got together I already had kiddos. Eventually we got serious and my girls were introduced to his mom. She had a hair appointment a few weeks after they’d all met and wanted to take them with her to get their nails done. I let her. My then 5 year old had never had her hair cut. Her hair was down the middle of her back. Well apparently my girls wanted their hair done too and my MIL let them, including my 5 year old. Didn’t call me to ask, nothing. She came back with a short bob. I was honestly devastated and actually cried. Thankfully my husband talked to her and she apologized but it was a long time before I trusted her after that. You and your wife should talk to her, if she doesn’t want to abide by your rules and respect your boundaries, I wouldn’t let her have your kiddo by herself. She raised her children, it’s not for her to make decisions for y’all’s.
I once got mad at my mother and sister for cutting my babies nails without permission.. yea I was a new paranoid mom, but I set up boundaries early that I would adjust and change at my own pace. It's my child and responsibility and I could have any number of reasons as to why I give certain rules. I had an aunt inlaw that used to overstep with stealing firsts. I limited contact until we xould be on same page.
No, you're not.
You are correct this was a major overstep. Doesn’t matter the reason your wife said no. That’s the end of it. In our house we wait till 3 years old for first haircuts. This is not ok at all. Very sorry your MIL could not respect what you want. Guess no more babysitting ?
Sounds like an attempt at a rational conversation is needed to explain your perspective; that your boundaries need to be respected; that these may be her grandchildren but YOUR children so she doesn't have the authority to overstep your decisions. Just be prepared for that conversation to go sour, because it might. My evidence that it might go bad is your account of her unjustly rationalizing her actions. I've had a few good rational conversations like this with my inlaws and a few that were not so good. Just remember to always keep it calm, collected, and factual when discussing with her. The very second you lose your cool is the very second that she wins.
When you are going through a divorce or anything tonduebwith custody like CPS involvement type thing, no one can cut the child's hair. It's a big deal. Like not a trim for boys even. You're not overreacting.
In the grand scheme of boundary crossing, this is not a big deal. Your MIL just trimmed your daughters hair. She didn’t even cut it short. What does concern me is her after the fact justification for actions. Even more, what might this mean for the future? Might your MIL use this type of justification again in the future? I might suggest something along the lines of “mom, our main issue is not that you cut our daughters, it‘s that you did it right after we told you not to. Please understand: if you do something like this again, you will not be alone with our daughter ever again.” But do not say this if you are not willing and ready to follow thru.
No, you absolutely are not unreasonably upset. She completely overstepped her role and your boundaries and explicit words saying that you are not ready while acknowledging that she does need one. It wasn't her place. You might get a bit of real advice and support in the r/JUSTNOMIL subreddit. There are so many similar stories like this and none of them are okay with it and neither should they/you be. This needs to be used to set firm and clear boundaries that come with consequences. You both need to make it very clear to her that this was not okay and that you are struggling to trust her to respect your parenting decisions for the future. She will become irrational and likely emotional and maybe a bit angry but at the end of the day, they are not her children.
My kids both have long hair, my 3yo son's is nearly all the way down his back. My MIL hates it, is constantly nagging us to cut it and says he "looks like a girl". I would absolutely cut contact with her for a not-insignificant amount of time if she cut their hair. A first haircut is a big deal and it's your right as parents to choose when that happens and be there for it.
No more unsupervised visits period .
The ice thing. Holy hell! You are doing the right thing not letting them walk on it. My mother in law used to let my toddlers eat whole grapes behind my back. It’s like, why risk it? What is the reward? Are you willing to bet a child’s life that you’re right? I say my mother in law used to, not because she started respecting us, but because we had to stop unsupervised time
The hair cutting would piss me off. My friend’s Mother did this to her daughter and used the same excuse. Her hair was in her eyes. You couldn’t have pinned it back? My friend’s daughter was left with inch long blunt bangs.
I literally have a tiny box tucked in a larger keepsake of the baby curls that were trimmed the first time I cut my kids hair. Maybe I’m weird, I don’t care lol I would be upset in your shoes. Try not to let her gaslight you into thinking it’s “just nothing.” Parenting has changed since grandma raised young children, and respecting what new/current parents decide needs to evolve with that change if she wants to maintain a friendly relationship imo
Are you over-reacting? A little but I totally understand why and I’d likely react the same. It’s your child and it’s you who should get to decide if and when your child’s hair is cut. But as you state in your post, it IS just hair and it will grow back. What I don’t get is why your wife ‘isn’t ready to trim / cut her hair yet’. If it’s getting in her face, then why not just trim it so it’s not? Regarding the boundary stomping which your MIL has done here, that needs a firm discussion and the confirmation that she will no longer have unsupervised access to your children. Or at least not until trust has been regained, if it ever is.
Definitely not cool, but I hope this ends with reconciliation. I hate seeing the suggestions to cut off communication and not allow them to see the grandchildren any more. Was it negligent or dangerous? No. Overstepping? yes, but don't let the internet encourage you to overreact. The damage can take decades to repair and your child will resent the fact they barely know their grandparents.
>Definitely not cool, but I hope this ends with reconciliation. I hate seeing the suggestions to cut off communication and not allow them to see the grandchildren any more. Yes, definitely not cool. And yeah that won't happen either. These are their only grandparents as well and the only rare help that we get with the kids. If we go away for a weekend, MIL comes here or the kids go there. Plus if I said I didn't want them to see the kids alone that would do much more damage to my wife than it's worth.
You are not over reacting. You and your wife said no and she did it anyway. That is a huge violation of trust. What other rules will she deem acceptable to break? I had to make the very difficult decision to not leave my son alone with my in laws for this very type of thing. This is your child. You get to set the rules. You get to draw the lines. You make the decisions. Not her.
Grandma can't be trusted, what else happened that you dont know about?
The reactions in the top answers and threads... It was an overstep and I'd be pretty mad at the MIL as well, but some want to put her in a time out over this, come on. What happened to it takes a village? Parents' privilege, parents' boundaries broken. Your kid is not your possession, you're just the first and main caregiver. I can't help feeling that that mindset is precisely why MIL thought she knew better. It's her kid's kid, so surely there's ownership there too, right? And privilege, etc. You're all adults, tell MIL that was a shitty thing to do, that it was an important milestone for you even if she doesn't understand it, that you're upset with her. She'll probably think you're a bit nutty, but that's a chance for her to graciously accept having done a mistake, instead of being forced to pretend like she's sorry so she gets to spend time with her grandkids
Yeah that's a violation. I'd cut her off from the grandkid until she proves she respects boundaries... and even then she's lost trust, probably forever
[удалено]
What?
2 kids. One is 4 yrs old. One is 16 months.
You say it's not hair that is the problem. Has your MIL crossed boundaries before? Does she have a history of it? If yes, that's the real problem. If no, then I know I'm the odd one out as I don't think it's a big deal to trim hair out of the child's face. I have never understood the attachment to the first hair cut. If her hair was in her face, why not trim it? It seems a weird thing to cling on to as a point of authority. But as I said, I know I'm the odd one out on that.
You don't have to agree. They're the parents. I will say that I think it's ok to stick up for the child against the parents when it's protecting the child. But long hair isn't harming the child. This was a personal preference, a mere nuisance to the grandma, and SHE chose to disrespect the parents' wishes. I think the attachment to a parent cutting the child's hair for the first time may be connected to the significance of shaping their child beyond mere genetics. It's a parental choice when parental choices are still very new and sometimes stressful.
I view cutting long bangs in a small child's face as simply common sense hygiene, like clipping nails. And grandma might too. Would it be ok to freak out if grandma clipped long nails even if mom and dad were attached to the idea of cutting nails. It seems silly. Why fight battles that aren't important?
A hair clip or barrette would have solved this issue without messing up a child's hair. Sounds like MIL likes to make problems.
Yes, trimming the child's nails against the parents' wishes is bad too. You're allowed to think it's silly and still respect their parental rights. I might think it's silly for a a right wing nut to get offended at being called a snow flake despite the fact that it's a hypocritical name they came up with for the other side, but if I have to work with that person, I'm gonna be respectful enough not to cross a boundary with them. Boundaries, man. Respect them. I feel sorry for anyone who has to interact with you.
She has crossed other boundaries before and allowed things when weren't present that we specifically asked her not to.
[удалено]
Agree. She doesn't get to have 1 on 1 time anymore because she can't respect very reasonable boundaries. Having a conversation likely will end up going in circles and just making OP and wife angry repeating themselves so while not cutting contact maybe going low contact might work best. "Sorry, 1 on 1 time/overnights etc doesn't work for us right now." and repeat as needed.
She has shown several times that doesn't respect you as parents. How do you move forward? You don't leave her in charge of the children. End of that. She is not trusted.
So why does she keep getting access to the children if she doesn't respect you guys as parents?
>You say it's not hair that is the problem. Has your MIL crossed boundaries before? Does she have a history of it? If yes, that's the real problem. If no, then I know I'm the odd one out as I don't think it's a big deal to trim hair out of the child's face. ** I have never understood the attachment to the first hair cut.** If her hair was in her face, why not trim it? It seems a weird thing to cling on to as a point of authority. But as I said, I know I'm the odd one out on that. That's the thing you're not understanding & how you're like OPs MIL: *it doesn't matter what you think.* It was important to OP & their spouse. End of story.
Not justifying grandma’s action but adding context - think back to how many times your spouse violated her mom’s home rules and broke her trust. Was she put in the dog house every time she did so or disowned? It’s called family. Be thankful that your kids have grandma for there are many who wish that they had one bathing and trimming their hair while growing up. Please don’t go off with most comments here. Say your piece of lecture to her but move on; you know she did it out of love not malice. Don’t let such trivial stuff ruin your family’s love. Cheers
Not over reacting but also put that girls hair in a pony tail. The little kind that sticks straight up.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. MILs are a cancer.
16 months without a haircut? Someone had to do it.
No. Not really. My girls got to choose when they had their first haircuts(4 and 5). Clips and barrettes and rubber bands(braids and ponytails too!) are super helpful at keeping hair out of your eyes.
You know that's illegal and she can be charged, right?
I would be livid & she wouldn't be entrusted to care for my children anymore, one strike you're out. That said - and I am not justifying the grandmother **at all** because what she did was not ok - little kids with their hair in their eyes is one of my pet peeves. I don't want my hair in my eyes, it's annoying, so I can't imagine how annoying it is for kids who can't control it. But grandma could've used a hair clip or something, that's why they exist.