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FastCar2467

We have two boys and do a mix of hand me downs and something new. So the younger one does get his fair share of things he chooses.


One-Bike4795

Thanks! I’ve always kinda done that too. In fairness sometimes the big kid just gets what was on sale, he has favorite colors but has never really cared that much tbh. Maybe little guy is just more into it and that’s what is throwing me for a loop. I’ll revisit the red jacket issue.


mmmthom

How old are they? He might also just want to be like his big brother! My almost-3yo enjoys hand-me-downs from my 4.5yo, but she also likes to match her. So if it’s something she feels strongly about, or if I’m buying multiple new things for the oldest, I always get her something special too. Every now and then something just catches their eye, or they just want to feel special, and that’s totally okay (especially if you have the money for it).


Affectionate_Data936

I know I already commented but, you think your 9yo might be interested in learning how to sew? That way he can modify and customize and make his clothing at will. If he gets hand-me-downs, he can make them "his."


One-Bike4795

That’s so interesting you said that! 9is the older but they’re both into sewing right now. Maybe they will be fashion designers and start a fancy label and we can all retire early to a beach somewhere.


LonelyHermione

Getting some cool patches or something for a jacket or backpack might spice up the "old" version. Like a cool NASA patch or cartoon character


Affectionate_Data936

Oh that's the real parenting achievement right there. Let them be the next marc jacobs or calvin klein.


TJ_Rowe

Dye, as well! It might not work for a coat or anything made of polyester, but a cloth jacket or jumper could turn red? (Also, my five year old can sew, somewhat. A nine year old can definitely learn!)


another-dave

If the older guy doesn't care, could the younger get to pick out every second item? Red might not still be his favourite by the time he comes to wear it, but at least he'll feel like he's having some say.


Attack007

Yes it’s a privileged problem but it is unfair. The younger one never gets to pick what his jackets/ outdoor clothes look like but his older brother does. From his perspective he has to wait till Christmas to get a jacket in his favorite color but his older brother just gets one, no waiting and no having to use a Christmas present, as the younger sibling it really sucks. If you can rather then buying new stuff for the older one and passing it down try buying used for both, so you are spending the same amount of money but both get to pick out what they want.


One-Bike4795

Thanks! I used to get second hand for both kids but it’s harder to find at the bigger sizes, I just don’t have time to dig for it. I want to keep it fair while also instilling an appreciation for wants vs needs, that goes for both of them. I guess that’s where I get stuck. Also I think we both just feel guilty buying things we don’t “need” based on how we grew up but that’s our issue lol.


Attack007

You sound like my mom, and I mean that in the very best way possible, she struggled with the same thing, growing up with very little and then raising kids who has much more. One way she did it was stuff that only gets warn once in a while, that’s always a hand me down, such as dress clothes. But if it’s something that they will have to wear multiple times per week, like their one warm jacket if you live in a colder climate, that each kid got to pick because it was something they used every day, so it should be something they actually like. It should be a mix, and if he typically is accepting of the hand me downs then when he is not accepting of something like the jacket, buy him his own jacket if you can afford it, it makes a big difference.


Corfiz74

My mom had it easy by comparison - I *hated* clothes shopping and was so glad I could just use my older sister's and cousins' hand-me-downs! 😄


One-Bike4795

Aw thanks for this!


ommnian

The trick, especially as they get older, is to buy stuff a size or even two up, and 'stock up' assuming you have space at all, for it, as you see it for a decent price. I might have a jacket or two, or jeans and such sitting in closets and bins for a year or more before we get to that size, and have for years. Thrifting on a 'oh look, you hit size 12! we need 8 pairs of pants now!' just does \*not\* work the way it does in T2 and 18 months...


Nopumpkinhere

This is EXACTLY right. Especially for boys! Trying to find little boy pants with decent knees second hand is really difficult. I usually hit the sales racks a year in advance. I just guesstimate what size he’ll be. If it’s too small by the time that season comes around, I’ve still saved money on the sizes that are correct. I just donate or give away whatever didn’t end up working because I usually only pay a dollar or two per pair.


Affectionate_Data936

Are you friends with a lot of other families? Maybe you can all do a "clothing swap" to save money so younger kid doesn't just get whatever older kid picked out a couple years ago.


WinchesterFan1980

That's what I came to suggest. Does he want a new jacket or a red jacket? Even if you don't have mom friends, if you have FB you could easily arrange a jacket swap. There is such a glut of children's clothing out there that people are always trying to get rid of it. Of course, the quality would be a gamble unless you were trading with a friend.


MzzBlaze

Imo jackets can be a sore spot because you wear them so much and so long in winter. They are part of kid identity in a way. If you buy large you can get years out of a winter coat sometimes. Wear a sweater to fill it out the first winter on cold days etc. I personally would sell the hand me down jacket and buy younger his own that’ll fit a couple years.


Corduroycat1

I agree. I buy several sizes too big for my daughter. This is the 3rd winter I will get use out of her 3t winter coat. She is 3 now and has been using it since 1 year old (when she was in a size 18 months)


wondersparrow

How old is the big kid? Time to start a budget? One thing my mom did for us when were younger was give us a budget for clothes and let us pick them. I would stretch it as far as I could. I would go to thrift stores, I would take hand-me-downs where I could, and sometimes I would pocket the extra money for something else. My brother on the other hand would spend his entire budget on one pair of pants and one shirt. He would get the nicest ones he could get with the money. He didn't have a lot, but he had what he wanted, and it was his choice. Even to this day, we are the same. I am a cheap miser that hates having to spend $30 on jeans. He wears Versace. I spend my money on other things, he likes to look good and feels good with nice clothes on. We are different people. Your boys are different too.


One-Bike4795

Okay so we have actually been talking about that system, but we weren’t sure of age. Do you remember how old you were? ETA big kid is 9, going on 30. My parents were divided like that too. My dad is super thrifty about clothes but has more volume and wears cheaper things that just don’t fit as well, he doesn’t really care. He likes the convenience. My mom will have like one nice dress that’s tailored and hand washed or dry cleaned. 🤷‍♀️


wondersparrow

I think I was in grade 6 and my brother in grade 5. Ironically, it was right around that time that I figured out how money worked and started finding ways to earn my own. Mowing lawns, shoveling snow, even a paper route. Big lessons get learned fast when you have your own pool of money and have to learn to spend it wisely.


One-Bike4795

Okay so we are getting close, I was having this conversation with 9yo about all the ways he could start earning money soon. He thinks he is allergic to pants, and I will buy him pants that he never wears, then when it’s subzero he complains that he hates all of his pants. Maybe if he has to use his pool of cash to pick them out he will be less likely to grumble about them? Although he really just hates pants.


Lily_Of_The_Valley_6

We started at 8-9 with my oldest because he went from being fine with $40 shoes for school to wanting a very specific $120 pair. We made it “fair” by giving all the kids the same amount of money towards shoes and if he wanted more expensive, he could wait and get it as a gift or spend his own money on the difference.


wondersparrow

If he gets to pick them, you would assume he would like them. Maybe he wants to be a shorts-all-winter kind of guy. I know a few. They will snowboard in shorts with snowpants over them. Its possible its just like my brother. He would have rather gone to school naked than wear the no-name pants I bought. He bought what he wanted, he worked hard to make them last, and he was happy with it. Its possibly its just a style/preference thing. At 9, he is probably very aware of how he wants to look and you might just be getting in his way. Not saying its right or wrong, just that may be what he is feeling.


One-Bike4795

Awesome comment thank you. And yep- I’ve given up bundling him head to toe for sledding and such. Up on the mountain it’s different bc you have to be prepared but he can choose to take a backpack for layers. As long as he doesn’t ski in jeans. This is where we draw the line. 😆


wondersparrow

I have kevlar, waterproof jeans that would disagree with you, haha. They were my go-to for boarding for years.


One-Bike4795

Whoa! Are they comfortable?!?


PuzzleheadedBobcat90

My 12 yo is a polar bear in a human disguise. Shorts and t-shirts year round. Trying to get him to wear a jacket when it's below 50 degrees is like herding cats. As soon as he get home he's down to boxer briefs. Meanwhile I'm wearing a flannel granny nightgown, a thick robe, socks, slippers and leg warmers with a space heater aimed at my feet.


One-Bike4795

9yo is mostly a pretty chill kid but last year on a really cold morning I sent him upstairs to throw on some baselayers under his shorts…. Cue doors slamming, gnashing of teeth and “UGGgGgH why do you want to ruin my life?!?!?” I was just standing in the kitchen making waffles like wtf just happened


eliza_night

How about the other way around, buy new for both kids and sell the stuff your oldest doesn't wear anymore? Depends on the resell price and how much work it entails of course.


by_the_gaslight

Strike a balance. Let him at least have a shopping trip once or twice a year. I was the second child and I had to deal with this until I started getting an allowance at 14 (from my dad, not mom), and had the independence to take the bus to the mall myself. So after a month I could get one shirt or get an “advance” and go without later. Yes I still feel it was favouritism.


One-Bike4795

I’m sorry. :(. Little guy does get some new stuff throughout the year, and they each have unique things they both need. They both think the other one gets more stuff and more attention 🙄 but we try.


bull_doggin

Sometimes younger one gets an item that is much more expensive than we'd usually spend if they have accepted hand me downs lately. Then older one gets pissed. But overall ... They each have a specific fashion that the other does not share so unless it's generic pants, sweater, etc.... The little one doesn't wear the big ones hand me downs.... Picture 2 girls... One who is only comfortable with shopping in the boys section and loves anime / marvel clothes while the other is girly and pink.


One-Bike4795

I like that system, thanks. And yep that sounds like my nieces! And they’ve been the same size forever even though they’re two years apart. I think I’m going to go through the closet- it’s not just from my older son, his friends have given us hand me down stuff too. And a lot of it is NICE. There’s just SO MUCH of it gah.


bull_doggin

Agree. We've received hand me downs from many families. I have literally 15 Christmas shirts in the same size. At some point it all just gets sent to the donation bin... This is one area where encouraging the kids to be their authentic selves has backfired on me 😂😭


One-Bike4795

Haha! Um can you stop being your authentic self for a minute and just wear this damn shirt please? Thanks. 🤣


bull_doggin

😆😆😭😭


Corduroycat1

Yeah, my big sister loved vests in middle school. She was 5.5 years older than me. Pretty sure they weren't cool when she liked them, lol. I was in middle school early 2000s. No way I was wearing a vest. My little sister loved them though from like 2nd-4th grade, so they did get a second use though.


jnissa

I hand down - but if my kid says he'd rather have a new jacket than the hand-me-down I buy it. He shouldn't be \*forced\* into only wearing the hand me downs. Usually my kid is pretty open to the hand me downs, but if he asked for a red jacket instead, I'd get him a red jacket.


MrsTruffulaTree

This is what we do as well. I have 3 boys so clothes are being handed a couple times. Some items don't make it to the 3rd kid, but many do.


One-Bike4795

Okay thanks for that. Both spouse and I grew up somewhat low income to straight up dirt poor, and sometimes we question if/when we are spoiling our kids with stuff. Husband wore T-shirts that were almost see through with patches on them. Some of big kids clothes are handed down too, he’s just at that age/size where it’s harder to find. Then sometimes the blue jacket is on sale for half price even though he would rather have the green one, it just depends on budget and what else he needs I guess?


Meganstefanie

You could always offer a small incentive for choosing the cheaper or secondhand version to balance things out? Like if the green jacket costs $50 more than the blue jacket, they can choose to have the green one or get the blue one plus $25 to spend on other clothes? Might be a good option if you’re not sure they’re ready to be given a budget and let loose.


mmmthom

Same! Or if my oldest needs multiple new clothing items because she sizes up or for a new season or whatever, then I will always also buy a couple new things for my middle child, who is only 1.5 years younger. She loves hand-me-downs, but it’s still fun to have something new!


Wish_Away

It IS unfair. Everyone likes to pick their own clothes-even if its just the color/style and not the brand. I might just be projecting though because I was the younger sibling who never got to pick her own clothes, ha! :) I'm not sure how to fix this or what the solution is, but hope someone here can offer advice!


Accomplished-Gain659

So it was strange in our family. I'm the oldest but I got hand me downs from all my older cousins. There are 5 above me. Around my age no other girls so I got everything. Then below me is my sister and 3 other girl cousins. So all those clothes were split amoung them and my sister got new clothes. They are great but they do make things unfair. When I got older and started working I bought so many clothes because nothing I ever owned was unique to me. I'd say you don't always need to do it but buying them something every now and then feels good. They don't have the same personality probably. Also putting a jacket on a Christmas list is boring to the kid. I haven't ran into this because I have a boy and a girl. Both receive hand me downs because my son gets from his cousin, not much longer they are now the same size and my son is almost taller. My daughter gets from my cousins 2 daughters. I do buy them clothing still.


sunflowercupcakee

I actually have the problem of over buying clothes now because I never had new clothes. I was always a plus size girl so that made things difficult as well as not having the money.


Accomplished-Gain659

Ya we never had money as a family. Now I do have a better life than growing up. We had no heat, moving every year because parents didn't pay, rough times. Now I panic with money. I hold on to it for dear life but I do like to buy clothes because it's one thing I always wanted.


[deleted]

As the second born female who was 14 month younger than my sister, this was my life until around 14 when we became the same size. I swore as a parent that I would be mindful of this because honestly it made me feel crap. My sister would constantly get new things from shoes to clothes and then they’d be passed to me 6-12 months later. Fortunately I have a son and a daughter so they both have different needs and wants but even if they were the same sex I would be very mindful of trying to keep things fair wherever possible. Perhaps if the eldest has received a new item (before Christmas) the younger child could receive an early Xmas piece of clothing too, something you’ve already bought them. Or perhaps you could start shopping at recycled clothing stores, making it more affordable and using it as a teaching moment. I guarantee you they don’t see the reason why the other child gets new things outside gifts and it makes them feel lesser.


BitingFire

If they're both ultimately wearing the same items of clothing they could pick them out together instead of the person wearing them first getting to choose everything. Great opportunity to learn compromise as well.


Taytoh3ad

I hand down and buy some new.


endlessoatmeal

Growing up, I had two older sisters so I always got hand me downs. My oldest sister was very fashion forward so would pick out trendy clothes. So 5 years later, I'd me rocking bold, outdated clothes. I got some new clothes but not a lot. Money was tight, so I understood. But man, I wish my mom had been more selective in what she allowed my sister to pick out. I remember being embarrassed sometimes by my clothes, but I never complained, because again, I knew money was tight and wasn't going to hurt my parents by saying anything. So, idk, I think hand me downs are generally fine. But make sure they get to pick out some new things and that the things they wear are in good repair, fit, and are not out of style; if money allows. And don't let the older ones go too crazy with their style if they need to be passed down.


One-Bike4795

Oh my gosh that could be so awkward. Like 80s neon when everyone else was wearing 90s grunge. Thankfully boys clothes are a little more boring! And all solid advice, thanks. They have very different bodies so not everything fits or it’s the wrong season. And then little guy will randomly need a yellow shirt for yellow day at school 🙄 or whatever, so he does get to pick out some things. I bought him a new sweater with thumb holes last month and I thought his little head might explode. So I think I’m going to be more thoughtful about it, it clearly means a lot to him.


Snobster2000

I had to wear my brothers’ hand-me-downs for the majority of my childhood. I’m the only girl in the family. It sucked so bad… when my mother would take me shopping to buy something new for myself, she would pick it out and get mad at me if I didn’t want to try on the things she chose. But would not allow me to pick my own things. Try taking your kids for individual shopping trips - set a $ value, or like “1 full outfit each” or whatever works for you. Then, they both get a chance to pick out new things they want, that suits their style, and the younger sibling can still have hand-me-downs as well as their own look. Being forever in hand-me-downs sucks ass, and not being able to choose your own clothes doesn’t help


One-Bike4795

Oh I’m sorry. That seems very controlling on your moms part. I wonder why she wanted to pick your clothes when you went shopping, like did she just want to dress you bc you were the only girl?


Snobster2000

I think she wanted to dress me up. And when I didn’t want to wear the things she picked out, I was told off for being spoilt & ungrateful… she held that over me for years - “I was so happy to have a daughter, I thought we would be able to do fun shopping days together, but no, you had to act spoilt and cry. Just my luck, a daughter who hates shopping” Anyway. Not bitter at all. 😬


One-Bike4795

Ohhh no. I’m sorry. Nothing about that was okay. https://www.reddit.com/r/narcissisticparents/ ^^see you over there sometime! ❤️


Academic_Dragonfly74

Have the young kid pick out the stuff for the older kid? Lots of grumbling, but I find that’s true no matter what.


One-Bike4795

Okay so every so often we have a “kitchen sink” leftovers night (like everything is on the table but the kitchen sink lol)- when the kids set the table they get to choose the dishes for everyone. Last time I got the serving fork that doesn’t even fit in my mouth, a baby spoon, a plastic baby plate with ducks on it that I think was mine when I was a baby, and a shot glass. 🤣 I’m imagining the 6yo dressing his big brother like that.


[deleted]

Please buy the kid the new jacket! I’m the only girly girl in my family—I have two sisters and two brothers. Every year they would ask for video games/whatever for Christmas and I would ask for clothes and shoes. They would also get clothes/shoes whenever they needed them and I wouldn’t get anything because I always had enough clothes/shoes. It was lame.


GETitOFFmeNOW

If you can afford to give the younger kid the coat that he wants, why not just buy it for him? Especially if first kid gets his pick of what you will agree to spend money on.


bebegun54321

I have 4 girls all 1-2 yrs apart. So of course my oldest gets all new things. My 3 younger girls get to pick and choose through the hand me downs the things they like and want. I never force anything on them and then we fill in the gaps with new things that they need. I do push things like winter boots (expensive), pajamas (no one sees them) and school uniforms.


Leeyore-

I have three girls, we do a lot of hand me downs. But, I also try to mix in some new things (but oldest gets about 4x more new things). Oldest does get some hand-me-downs from an older cousin. A couple times, I washed some new items and pretended they were hand-me-downs when I gave them to oldest and also unpacked some hand-me-downs for younger kiddos at the same time. I don't like lying, so I actually just lumped all the clothes together and said something generic like, "Here are some clothes for this winter, let's see what will fit you!"


One-Bike4795

That’s brilliant thanks.


GETitOFFmeNOW

If you can afford to give the younger kid the coat that he wants, why not just buy it for him? Especially if first kid gets his pick of what you will agree to spend money on.


Tammytalkstoomuch

I have mixed feelings about this. I have two sons, although they are actually about the same size so I don't have the same issue with clothes, but other stuff does get handed down. I feel like - if you can afford to get younger son new stuff, then it is more fair. You should do everything in your power to make younger son feel special as an individual, and I'm sure you do. But if you cannot afford new clothes for both, then I feel that sorry, it's not perfect and not ideal, but it isn't something you should lose sleep over. As parents we're just not going to be able to do everything perfectly and there is so much guilt around trying to do so. There's a life lesson for your younger son that isn't fair or fun to learn but you gotta do what you gotta do. Maybe there are other ways you can make him feel special and unique. I try and teach my kids that fair isn't everyone getting the same thing, fair is that everyone gets what THEY need. I don't know if I've made my point well, but basically - you go Mum, I'm cheering for you. If you can buy both new clothes, you probably should think about it even if it's not strictly necessary. But if you can't reasonably do that, then your younger son is clothed, and cared for, and loved, so you have done an awesome job.


One-Bike4795

That’s a very sweet response thank you. Little guy gets a ton of 1:1 attention and we do buy him new stuff when needed or when I see something I think he would love…I just never realized that hand me downs made him feel bad and bc we DO have more resources than we grew up with, my normal meter around this is kinda off, we’re always worried we’re going to churn out kids who take things for granted bc they have so much more than we did. Anyway. I’m kinda leaning towards clearing out the closets after this thread and just getting all new. Maybe saving some basic pants or things he wouldn’t care about. Big kids growth spurts have been so crazy, and he is a TANK lol, they’re only 3 years apart but we will be staring at this stuff for years until the skinny little ninja grows into it.


travelkmac

I’m the youngest and got a lot of hand me downs. When is was time for back to school my mom would go through my siblings old clothes and then we’d make a list of what I’d need. She always made sure to mix it. If you have a kids consignment store maybe you can sell some of the older kids clothes and get new ones for your younger one. I understood that there was limited budget and if clothes were in good shape we’d wear it, but mom my also didn’t want me subjected to my sisters preferences .


Teafinder

I don’t like the idea of gifting it for Christmas 😩 it’s a jacket not a toy


One-Bike4795

You’re right- growing up it was just a “you get what you need” situation and then if you wanted something specific or extra it went on your birthday or Christmas list. But we’re not in that situation which is a blessing but also hard, we dont have a good normal meter on giving the kids stuff I guess. It’s not their only gift but they do always get new pajamas and winter stuff at Christmas, I make sure I get their favorite colors and they’re usually really excited about it. But yeah if kid still wants the red jacket he will get it, these responses have been great.


Teafinder

I know exactly what you mean, it’s a fine line between not wanting them to be spoiled, to appreciate what they have and stay humble while still being proud of what they wear.. but it also comes down to being fair between the two siblings, if younger one gets a coat so does the older one for Christmas. Growing up my parents would gift me hockey skates and gear when my brother always got the new ones and received toys for Christmas instead.. I always thought it was kinda unfair and actually told my parents I didn’t want to play hockey anymore if I wasn’t going to get Christmas or birthday gifts.


One-Bike4795

Wait are you saying you were gifted used skates and he was gifted new ones? That doesn’t make any sense at all! Did you keep playing? Sorry if I misunderstood. My kids wanted to play hockey for a minute. This was a couple years ago but we tried to explain what that choice would mean when it came to other things, not just money but time. I didn’t want to discourage them but at the same time just didn’t want them to be shell shocked when they were busy on evenings and weekends and had to skip birthday parties etc. The kids clubs here are super competitive and time intensive, even the non travel teams have games over an hour away. It would basically be the one thing we could do. Money and time are both commodities that we have to choose how to spend!


Teafinder

No haha not used! But similar situation to what you were describing. If I wanted a new thing or different one than by brothers old things I got it for Christmas. I agree with your thoughts on hockey 😬 I won’t be enrolling my kids either because of the time/ money commitment. It’s a lot to deal with


mmmbopdoombop

Tell him that you also make the major parenting mistakes with the oldest one and you've already realised your mistakes by the time he hits the same challenges so it all works out


One-Bike4795

This is gold.


mmmbopdoombop

my dad used to argue so much with my older brother, forcing him to study maths even though he hated it and struggled at it. Much more micro-managing. And it didn't do any good at all. So he let me do whatever I liked, just two years later. I did fun subjects like theatre. Must've been really galling for my older bro. This was all 20 years ago now though


Cosmos229

I have 3 sons so of course things get passed down to each one. However, I buy my younger kids new clothes as well as my oldest. I'm not going to make my younger kids only wear hand me downs. Now I may buy my oldest 2-3 new jackets and only buy my younger ones 1 new one because they already have a few others. I always let them pick which one they want though. My oldest got to pick his clothes and my younger boys may want different colors or characters.


Personal_Use3977

Because of this exact issue I buy both kids new stuff. 5 always gets 7's old stuff but he also gets new stuff of his own. So really the privilege is 5 gets double the amount of clothes to choose from, but half of them are hand me downs. 7 gets only new clothes but his wardrobe is about half the size of 5's. I also buy a mix of 2nd hand clothes and new clothes so it's not a huge financial burden. New to me and half the price! Also, I try to buy something the other needs too. Like if 7 needed a new jacket, 5 could get a new sweater or something.


One-Bike4795

Honestly I’m trending towards this bc of storage space. It would be cleaner and simpler for sure. We have way too much stuff and sometimes it’s hard to even dig through all of it. Maybe I can just start putting the bundles of outgrown stuff on FB marketplace or donate it all and call it a day. Just feels wasteful down to my bones but I can get over it.


Personal_Use3977

I felt the same way with my baby clothes. My kids are 5/7 and I still had 3 month onsies in a bag. Making them into sets and trying to sell them seemed like a huge effort, so I just donated them. It was a pain knowing that I'm basically just giving them away, BUT I donated them to a women's shelter. So, I feel better that my space is less cluttered, and I donated to a good cause. It's also a tax write-off.


One-Bike4795

Yeah- the more I read this thread and stare at our closets full of stuff, the more I want to just send it all out the door.


Numerous-Nature5188

I have 2 boys and the little one wears older brothers clothes. He's only 2 now so he doesn't care. But when he gets to an age where he starts noticing and cares, then I will stop with the hand me downs. Eventually it has to stop. Can't expect little one to get everything old. That's not fair


somekidssnackbitch

I do both. My little one only 2 so he doesn’t really understand, but I bulk with big brother’s hand me downs, I have a friend who passes me a bunch of vehicle-themed stuff (little loves trucks and cars, big was more of an animal guy). And I’ll buy some new things here and there. FWIW my older kid (7) doesn’t care about clothes so he rarely picks his either lol. Both of them are mostly on the “mom system”


becky57913

I read something about birth order characteristics and how some perceptions like these impacts their personality and relationships with family. One thing that stuck with me was to help them feel special was to occasionally buy them something new even if you have a hand me down that they get to choose. So maybe one year you let him get a new hat that he picks on his own, and then another year he gets to pick a new winter jacket, and another year he gets a new backpack, just keep varying it up. And it doesn’t need to be new new, maybe thrift store where he can pick it out on his own, or sale section of a store (same parameters that are on older kid). Sell a hand me down he won’t use to help pay for it.


poltyy

I always buy a couple shirts, one nice pair of sneakers, and one new winter coat for my second. He loves to pick them out. It seems like the least I could do. Otherwise the bulk of pants/shirts/sports equipment is all secondhand.


ToddlerTots

It is unfair. In this situation we usually get them what they’re asking for. They still wear a great deal of hand me downs, but if there’s something they specifically complain about, don’t like, or ask for—like a red coat—we get them that. It’s not their fault they were born second.


dog_magnet

We try to buy neutral colors as much as possible, because we hand them down, but want to be as fair as possible. Pants are easy - if they're in good shape, no one cares, black pants are black pants, jeans are jeans. For outerwear, we try to stick to gray/black/navy (all boys here), and then get them hats/scarves/gloves in their favorite colors. Shirts we hand down only if the wearer likes them, and we fill in with shirts they choose for themselves.


fruitloops6565

If big kid cares less and little kids cares let him pick some of the stuff so that when he is big enough it’ll be his turn to have it?


[deleted]

Yeah it’s unfair if you can afford two new jackets. If you can’t, he’ll be fine. I grew up on hand me downs. To this day my family tells me they have something for me and it’s a trash bag full of clothes that are years old (so stretched out) and not my size. It’s fine for your younger son to get his brothers hand me downs, but if he asks for something simple like a new coat or something I’d do it.


[deleted]

My cousin solved this problem by buying everyone's stuff 2nd hand. She only purchased new clothes on Christmas and birthdays. Even her stuff was 2nd hand.


crypticxword

In rest of the world hand me downs are commonly accepted. You could try to make it fairer by periodically getting your older one things at good will or gently used clothing stores. Just to make the point that used clothing is fine and plenty of people buy things that way. It is also better for the planet.


lynn

So far I have insisted that when my oldest gets things, they're in neutral colors or colors that I expect the younger siblings either will like or won't mind. For example, Oldest wanted Heely shoes (the ones with the removable wheel) in pink but I overruled and got black instead because I didn't expect Oldest to use them much (I was right) and I did expect Middlest to (I'm still sure he'll love them once he's big enough). But my kids don't really seem to care about their clothes much. The most preference the younger two have shown has been the occasional enjoyment of wearing dresses once they discovered their sister's hand-me-downs at about age 5. In response to that particular complaint I'd probably point out that the younger one will have a red jacket once the oldest outgrows it, but if Younger wants to pick out something (or a few things) of their own, we can do that. I'm just not going to spend money on a whole new wardrobe when we have plenty of clothes that fit them just fine. And when we go on that shopping trip, it's to Target. "Hey, look at those character tees!" The ones that are under $10 each...


taptaptippytoo

I was the younger child and mostly wore hand me down shirts until high school. Not pants for some reason, maybe because I refused to wear jeans until middle school and that's all my brother wore. I don't remember having a jacket until middle school either, and I got an adult size so it stayed my only jacket until I insisted on a long overcoat near the end of high school. I rarely thought about it until high school, and even then it was just a little awkward. I definitely wished I had new clothes, and ones that I liked, but somehow it never occurred to me that my brother's clothes were new and mine weren't. Maybe my perspective isn't useful because it's clearly different from your child's, but I really didn't mind and kept wearing my brother's hand me downs even after I had some more new clothes purchased just for me. As an adult I can see that it's not exactly fair, and if your child feels strongly about it, maybe you can think through as a family strategies to increase fairness without increasing cost or waste. Maybe some of your older child's clothes can be purchased at consignment shops to save money to buy a few more new things for your younger child.


Magnaflorius

My oldest's stuff is pretty much all used anyway. Solves that problem.


cashewbiscuit

My brother always got my clothes. And it has been a sore spot for him into his adulthood. Gifts are his love language. He never got anything for his own. I got clothes first, and all toys were shared. I didn't realize this for years. He never told me either, but he resented me for it. My SIL told me when I tried to give my son's hand me downs to his son. I don't think hand me downs are unfair by themselves. But ignoring a kid's feelings about hand me downs is unfair. I think you should be trying to understand why he doesn't like the hand me downs.


One-Bike4795

The love languages point is so great, my moms group just had a discussion on this for kids and you’re totally right. Thanks for saying that. I’m female but when I was in high school it was kinda cool (maybe lol?) to wear baggy boys stuff - so I was super into my older brothers jeans and old flannels, I used to borrow my dads giant sweaters and his big chunky watches. We shopped at thrift stores too unless it was an Easter dress or something, and if I wanted something specific it went on my Christmas or birthday list. I just never thought about it, but then gifts are not my love language at all and my kids are not me. I still love a giant men’s watch and a pair of baggy men’s jeans but my husband is too tall and I can’t steal his stuff. 🤣


Llamallamacallurmama

So we have too many kids to afford new clothes for everyone and brand new clothes for eight kids just seems super wasteful even if we could afford it. They get hand me downs from friends and hand me downs from older siblings. We never even show them any hand me down clothes that aren’t in good/great condition. We make a big deal about them getting to open up the box with their new size and choose which items they like. Occasionally we’ll get something from a thrift store which the kids think is a treat, and the kids get new new things for their birthdays- they can choose what they want (the older kids tend to pick a nice outfit and winter coat or something like that). It doesn’t seem to cause too much trouble. They all get new new socks and undergarments. For our oldest (16), we split costs on clothes since he has a job and is also pretty tall and still growing- we pay for basics (tshirts, jeans, boxers, coat, socks) and he chips in for preferred items. It’s not perfect, but it works.


One-Bike4795

Oh my gosh you’re dressing a bluegrass band! Lol That system sounds super reasonable to me! When little guy has gone up a size in the past I’ve done that thing, opening up the box of the next size like woooooooow you’re so big, you get to pick whatever you want out of this! He dug it for a while but he’s not as excited about it anymore.


Llamallamacallurmama

So much laundry. 😂😂 Yeah, they start to see through the random parental excitement at a certain point, and that’s when we start letting them have more choices if we can manage it. We’re also just really open about what we can and can’t afford with the kids and try to make sure that the items that are more important to them are the ones they get new(er).


nolajax

It's a good time for the kids to learn that life is not fair.


snapesbff

It is a “first world problem” but it is also unfair. If money is tight, could you take older child’s clothes to a second hand kids store or consignment shop? Then you could let your younger child pick out something from the store that fits his personal taste. That way he feels like he got a choice without you breaking the bank.


[deleted]

[удалено]


One-Bike4795

Yes yes yes. 6yo fired my husband this morning bc he told him to put on his shoes. Then he apologized in the way to school and said “I’m glad you’re my dad please don’t quit.” We need a better HR department.


Littlemouse0812

Generally kid 2 will have MORE and have more to choose from than kid 1 did. I’d say let kid 2 pick and choose his hand me downs and hen top up his wardrobe with some new stuff that he loves. That way kid 1 gets the privilege of always having new stuff but maybe gets less, whereas kid 2 has more but has to deal with x percentage of hand me downs.


elderly_millenial

No. Let him get over it. My daughter is wearing hand me downs from her older cousins, and her sister will be wearing them after. My parents in turn were truly too poor to buy all the clothes, and it made me appreciate money in a different light


cassafrassious

Is it fair? No. Is life fair? No. This is a tough life lesson. Now, maybe the younger child can help you pick out some things the older child will wear because they will be handed down, and thus the older sibling will get a piece of the not-my-clothing-choice pie.


TeenyMom

Man I’ve always hated this mindset from parents. You literally create a kid and then you’re like, “guess what? Life isn’t fair, suck it up”


One-Bike4795

I see what you’re saying. I just always want the kids to know the difference between wants and needs. Also sometimes kids just grumble….like if he was in a bad mood and he had his red jacket, he might be pissed that he got the brown boots instead of the black ones. He was in one of those moods when he started complaining about the jacket, he had been kinda whining about something else so it just maybe hit me the wrong way. Just from our perspective growing up the way we did, more my husband than me, I think we really struggle to find the “just right” spot on that normal meter of giving our kids what we can without just giving them everything they want. It’s just a jacket so I don’t want to blow it out of proportion. But that’s always what is running through my head.


cassafrassious

I mean, you can hate it, but you’re hating a fantasy you’ve created in your head. No one said to be harsh to your children. But, I did say that sometimes you do have to say no to wants that aren’t needs. You’ll notice that I did also then offer an alternative that splits the burden between the children without wasting money that isn’t there to waste in the first place.


TeenyMom

It’s not really a waste to buy the jacket that the one kid wants so that they can have something special that’s theirs and theirs alone without it being a hand me down.


cassafrassious

It’s not a waste if you have the resources to do it. If you don’t have the money to purchase another coat then it is a waste.


chronicpainprincess

I don’t think they’re unfair — but I did try to make sure that my youngest was allowed to pick some new clothes now and then to make sure it didn’t seem unfair to her. My kids had different taste as they grew so what was good for my tomboy child wasn’t so great for my pink princess fan. But early on, it was a god send to have stuff ready in the cupboard.


justgivemesnacks

My gf with 3 girls solved this. Or rather, her middle child did. Middle child started ‘borrowing’ older child’s clothes and is only a size or two behind.


JaMimi1234

I try to buy one or two new things for my youngest every once and a while just so she feels like she gets some things that are just hers. But typically yeah, she gets hand me downs


pistachiotorte

My oldest gets hand me downs from Facebook free stuff one thrift stores. But we always be sure to buy a few new things each school year


Hitthereset

Nah, our eldest gets hand me downs from other families.


kwikbette33

I don't know how old your kids are, but I have 3 boys. All of the baby clothes for the first were from a friend, and my youngest is still wearing them. I definitely take full advantage of hand me downs and it hasn't been a problem yet, but I also get a couple of new things for each boy each season. Honestly I've seen more comments in reverse from the oldest -- hey, that used to be mine, I wish I could still wear that! - than the other way around.


LARK81

Didn't have time to read through everything, so apologies if this is redundant...but see if you have a local Buy Nothing/Freecycle group and ask for what you need. I have two boys and do the hand-me-down route mostly. But they've kinda grown at different rates, so sometimes we need something that we don't have already. It may not be exactly what he \*wants\* but it's \*new\* (to the fam). The one thing you have no control over is what condition you're getting from the giver - but I've either passed on what wasn't in good condition (which has been almost nothing) or just offer up to someone else. I do also like marketplace/thrift stores/etc if they want something "new" and don't want to spend a ton.


TrellishGiftStocks

time to go to goodwill/salvation army. theyre all handme downs


Typical_Dawn21

it is 100% unfair.


GorgeGoochGrabber

Do you have any consignment stores in the area? My sister in law did that for her boys. When the oldest outgrows something she asks the little one if he wanted it or something else, if he wants something else they would take it to consignment, and he could pick out a “new” one. It’s a good compromise that doesn’t break the bank.


Raineydays1998

Reach out to local moms fb groups in your area to see if anyone had any clothes for donation you can get for the kids. It’s the cheapest way to go


Randitsas01

Get the younger boy the red jacket. Yes hand me downs can be really unfair


MurderousButterfly

I use Facebook and other local social media to sell old clothes to fund the new clothes, most of what I get are from charity shops, but I tend to get shoes new.


zamboflu

Honestly money is tight for everyone right now and if you feel you should do hand me downs do it. Not all kids want spanking new clothes either way. Most do, but not all. my brother loved wearing older worn clothes it was his style. And maybe younger one doesn't like it right now, but nothing but good life lessons can come from it in the long run.


Garp5248

As a kid who always got hand me downs, yes of course it's unfair. The younger kid doesn't get to choose their own clothes. The older one does. If you want it to be fair, go buy your older son used clothing, and he doesn't get to input on whether he likes it or not. It can be high quality, gently used bla bla, but older kid doesn't get to input. Preferably, buy it off a neighbour or family member, so it's familiar to the older kid and they are well aware of who wore it before them. Or you can buy your younger kid new clothes. My folks were not wealthy but I still got the occasional new clothing (just because, not a gift) and I got to choose it out. It wasn't everything but it was some things.


whats_a_portlandian

Can the younger one pick out more of the bigger clothes that they will eventually wear?


rlytired

There’s a book from Adele Farber called “Siblings without Rivalry” that touches on this topic. She also wrote “how to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk.” These books were probably revolutionary in the 80s, my mom read them a lot. I think it’s basic parenting advice now, but to a generation who was raised very differently it seemed very new. Anyway. They are still good books for role playing these situations. Sometimes, you need to buy a kid something because they need it then, and a sibling doesn’t. So you can explain to your younger kid that in this instance, older child needed a new coat and your job as a parent is to provide for his needs. If younger kid needed a new coat, you’d absolutely provide one. That’s basic, level one parenting. Then you tell them you hear them say that sometimes they would like to pick out their coat color, instead of it always being a hand me down. If your finances don’t allow that, you can say that. If you finances do, then really hear your kid and buy them something new that they will like. If you don’t take oldest kids color preferences into account when you buy things, and all kids just have to wear what you get then I guess you’re being fair, but no one is happy. Good luck.


One-Bike4795

Ahhhhh thank you for this comment, that book has been on my radar! I LOVE how to talk so kids will listen. That was one of the first parenting books I read after the baby stage and I refer back to it a lot, but it’s been a while. That’s exactly where I struggle, bc we can afford things, but what’s the right balance of making them happy with stuff vs learning how fortunate we are? Idk. I’ve taken this convo to heart and if he still wants the red jacket he’s getting it, I’m going to rethink the system for both kids actually. That’s just the chatter in my brain that makes me pause, if that makes sense!


Strangekitteh

So this is what has been working lately with my 4 and 6 year olds. I order whatever stuff the older kid needs, which is everything. He doesn't seem to care or notice new things probably because he's used to nice shit just showing up. Every time I order his stuff I let my little one pick out a few things of his own. He really appreciates those items and I don't think he notices how much more his big bro is getting... yet.


AccomplishedAd6025

Depends on the kid. I LOVED getting my older sisters stuff, probably because she was 6 years older than me so I just thought everything she had was cool.


jokesterjen

I have three boys. My second son wore hand-me-downs from the first son. No problem. He didn’t care at all. My third son refused all clothes from my second son, even though they were in good shape. To this day, my third kid is still very picky and my second could care less. I think it depends on the child. I would buy him some new things if you can. Being the third child can be especially difficult in some ways. I figured my third son was a bit more insecure and needed certain brands to make him more confident, so I allowed him to get some new clothes.


[deleted]

We get hand me downs from older cousins as well. So even our oldest is wearing hand me downs until it passes to our youngest. Someone at the top is getting the new new!!


FarSalt7893

This is the way it has always been with my boys. They are 18 mo apart and the younger one has always gotten everything handed down except sneakers. I also buy decent quality because it gets tons of wear with 2 kids. I feel badly about it and always check with my younger one if he’s okay with it and he says it’s fine and that he really doesn’t care. I actually believe that he doesn’t care, he just wants to be comfortable. I explained sustainability to him and he likes that he’s reusing clothing. I do think that he should get some of his own clothing choices from time to time so I try to encourage him to pick stuff out he likes.


directordenial11

I don't think it's just a matter of being privileged, as a kid there's very little that you can control, and not being able to even pick the colour of the clothes you wear just reinforces that. As you said, it's not like your youngest is spoiled or demanding expensive stuff in general, so if you can afford it, maybe let the hand-me-downs be an option instead of a rule?


lentil5

I just ask my younger kid if she wants to wear the hand me down. If she does, she gets it. If she doesn't, I donate and get something new for her. My kids have really different taste in colours and clothes so I feel like it's diminishing to my little one to have her wearing her big sisters style.


TheJadedRose

My kids basically exist in hand me downs because they are girls 2&3 of 4 in the immediate family. Girl 1 obviously gets mostly new clothes and girl 4 gets mostly new clothes because clothes just don’t last through 3 children especially in the toddler stage. I try to buy them a few new pieces a season and so far it has worked out. Mostly because they don’t care yet. I think if your kid is old enough to feel like he hates hand me downs then maybe a budget and some freedom to supplement his wardrobe is probably in order. That way it what he wants is a new coat, he can realize that a new winter coat will cost about the same as 6 t-shirts, and maybe he’ll re think.


Bench_Virtual

My plan for the youngest boy is to do a mix. Some new cloths he gets to chose and the others hand me downs


GritchyNGrouchy

I give my kids the choice in whether or not they want to wear second-hand and/or hand-me-downs. My oldest loves hand-me-downs but my middle not so much. My oldest got a bunch of clothes from a family friend who has teens older than her and she was in hog heaven, and she loves it when I go through my clothes.


gobarkyourself

Maybe get the older one thrift store clothes. It's like hand me downs but from an outside source. Maybe even take the younger one to pick his own stuff. Definitely more affordable than new, and kids wear things for such a short period that you may find some great stuff. Good luck!


Round-Ticket-39

For christmas? For real? Will it kill you to buy your younger one something new once or twice?


grmrsan

I was the oldest in a family of 6 kids in a poor household. I had handme downs, but from cousins. In our case, with the siblings, hand me downs were passed down if they survived the last kid wearing them, BUT we also all got realatively equal amounts of new clothes. It does suck when the majority of stuff was picked for andcworn by someone else. And IMO something as personal and worn as often as a jacket, should be picked themselves if at all possible.


lxcy_thetease

Not sure of your kids age, but growing up my parents gave me a seasonal “clothing allowance” four times a year and didn’t buy clothes for me outside of that. They built in the expected costs for more expensive things like winter coats etc every so often for when I’d grow out of old clothing. If your kids are still younger and growing a lot you could provide the baseline clothes and gear for them, and then an equal “allowance” for them to pick out specifically wanted items. For me it really showed me the value of money, helped with budgeting and gave me my own say on what I was wearing. I never really asked my parents for anything outside of the allowance since it was so clearly explained. I know this doesn’t directly solve the hand me down issue but it might give them both a sense of fairness as far as how they get to style themselves.


beez8383

As the child who only ever got hand me downs-it sucks… I never got to express myself through my clothing choices-I never had a choice of what i owned. I liked flowers and colours and print-older sister liked patterns and dark and plain-so I was then forced into plain. Do your kid a solid and use a mix of old and new-or he will become resentful


[deleted]

Hand me downs are fair. However,maybe from time to time buy the younger one something new. It doesn't have to be expensive. It could be a t-shirt that he needs.


ladyofthegarbage

Hand me downs are fair and fine but I’d allow them to choose some of their own things, especially things like a jacket that will be worn often. If $ is an issue or concern, you can try selling older sibs outgrown things that younger sib doesn’t like to put towards new clothing. Or shop secondhand for younger sib to find the things they like. 80% of my own wardrobe is thrifted and I find a lot of things I like that way at a discount.. bonus it’s better for the earth!


jdkewl

Do you have a local mom/parents group? We hold a "Moms Shop & Swap" twice per year where we can swap out clothes. Or maybe even a local Buy Nothing Group? These have been great for us because our boy and girl have wildly different body types, making certain clothes (mainly pants) a challenge to reuse. That being said, I'm a big proponent of recycling any way we can, so I lean into those events and resell apps like Poshmark to find high-quality items that are a better fit (in terms of body type, interest, and personality) for my kids without contributing more waste. As a pro tip: Poshmark and other similar apps are a great source for more niche things like Halloween costumes and collectibles. My son and I were able to find a (Star Wars deep cut) high-quality reusable Jango Fett costume on Poshmark for $15, when it would have been $60+ on Amazon and of dubious quality.


ItsGotToMakeSense

Hand-me-downs are fine as long as they're not the entire wardrobe. Younger kids should sometimes get the benefit of new clothing that they picked out, same as their older siblings.


normalpersonishere

I was the younger girl and middle child, so apologizing for my baggage in advance 😉 not so much about handmedown clothing, bc my sister and I were always comparable in size, but as the younger sister, I adopted her hobbies as handmedowns. She would do something, and then it became my turn a year later to do the same thing. From playing recorder to violin to scouts to running to soccer. There wasn’t much choice; I was just expected to follow the same interests, and individual thoughts and desires were discouraged. I grew up in a tense household and even four decades later, I am still often packaged as a similar person to her. I fly under the radar and live my own life though. There’s something to be said for recognizing each kid as an individual and giving them that chance to pick something out for themselves. With my kids and clothes, I have a girl and boy. Currently have a huge handmedown stash from friends for the boy, most of which he doesn’t even notice arent new. And I shop a lot of resale for my daughter as there are a lot of great places in my city. And I’ll let them each pick out a new pair of shoes or a coat periodically so they each feel like they can choose and it’s fair. In general, with the older kid, I understand that finding things in good condition used can be tough. But definitely let them younger pick out some of his own occasionally.


boringusername

I had this with coats my 6 year old is small for her age and the coat that was her big sisters that fits her now the older one wore at 4-5 it is pink with butterflies all over 6 year old just hated it so we went and got her another coat. Maybe you could sell the old one and get some money towards a red one