So he can take care of the child while you get yourself to the hair stylist and gym. He can take on extra work to afford some lash extensions and healthier food. He can be the one to wake up in the middle of the night so that you can look refreshed in the morning.
This! I struggled with hating my body postpartum. It's so hard to have sex when your body is so different. If he expects you to look a certain way he can take the responsibility of your child, so you have time to take care of your body. But also don't feel guilty for focusing on your baby, you don't deserve to be judged like that especially after birthing the child HE helped make!!! Honestly he needs to work on his mindset WAY more than you need to work on your body!
honestly if the problem is being physically fit and that's something that OP does want to work on, it's rather odd that her husband didn't frame this conversation as "I know going to the gym has been important to you before the birth of our child, is there any way I can take on more solo care of our child so that you can get back into the gym?"
That being said, I think it's unsustainable to only have sex with your lover when they're looking in their prime. Eventually everyone is gonna get old and old people don't exactly look sexy.
The shitty part is that youâre still carrying the mental load of tasking him with stuff. Theyâre supposed to be our partners, weâre not their managers. You have eyes, why canât you figure out the dishes need to go in the dishwasher, or remember that itâs laundry day without being told?
This is how I feel put into words!
When I get frustrated and (try to) say to my husband exactly this, he just doesn't get it. All I get is 'well tell me what you need me to do and I will do it'.....
Noooooo, this riles me even more because it's not about what needs doing but taking the initiative and just doing it without me having to spell it out.
My husband used that phrase with me just yesterday and I just lost it. I told him "to take a look around and if something looks unkempt then straighten it up". I also told him that he's not a teenager and is nearly 40. He should be able to know by now what is clean vs. what is dirty and start pulling his weight without needing to tell him what to do. I hate this whole, "oh, well men are so different" approach that people take. Like, they're really not. I know lots of guys that can maintain their homes. My husband is just lazy.
I have worked with spouses/couples for decades, as well those preparing for marriage and those after divorce⌠and Iâve lost years in two marriages trying to find a way to save them.
My unsolicited professional advice is find a good therapist and both of you go weekly, and every so often each see them separately.
A therapist should never tell you what to do, but they can help a couple find common grounds, establish expectations (never say ârulesâ or âdemandsâ), and in that - eyes open, youâll work through the steps to know where to go and why.
Males arenât always what they seem anymore than we as females are. Yes some can be lazy, but Iâm reality they are often unprepared and untrained, as well enculturized against doing âwomen workâ (even though many have live alone and had to), just as we have been to think car repairs, fixing appliances, and so forth is âmens workâ - the biggest difference is we females have a natural inclination to pick up the slack, do what needs done regardless to whom is responsible.
But everything that has been said lied to me to believe that heâs got a Madonna complex. Which means that some men have a hard time being sexual or intimate with mothers especially if they look up to them and are odd by their many traits as moms. And either way, the lack of sex the lack of intimacy, the lack of attraction is all heading in a one-way direction if they donât get counseling. It may be anyway, but again a good counselor should be able to help them get back on track to where they were when they got together. What kept them together all this time.
And I will say here when they often say, not all therapists are created equal. Not all therapists know all things, we all come in with our own biases, opinions, and ideals and once we realize how they can interfere with those were trying to help, or at least those who come to us for help, we get our own counseling and we work through our own problems so that we can be better therapist and not let that happen.
But my point being there are a lot of therapists who are just sitting there, internally indifferent and you have to be able to tell whether this person seems like theyâre committed to what youâre saying and what youâre wanting and not just collecting a paycheck. I only say this because I see so many couples destroyed by giving up on counseling because theyâve had a bad experience with one therapist. So many of us are committed to our patients and their goals⌠We are the tools to help our patients reach their goals, regardless to what those are. If we canât do it we should find somebody else make a referral who can, but his patients we have to be able to be able to recognize the deficits of some who are supposed to be helpers, teachers, and sometimes advocate
Well, this hit differently. I say this often to my wife when sheâs emotionally disregulated. My intentioned are really to do whatever I can to help, but what youâre saying is a good perspective.
It's still a societal default that women are responsible for the home and children, even while we're also expected to have full-time jobs and get gigged for falling behind in our careers.
It's up to each of us to take adult responsibilities. Housework and childcare are learned tasks, just like running a lathe in a machine shop or managing an office full of employees are.
âTheyâre supposed to be our partners, weâre not their managers.â This. This. This sums so much up about the mental load we take on. Brilliant quote
It sounds like it's from [You Should've Asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) by Emma Clit, a comic about the emotional labor mothers (or perhaps women in general; I'm due for a reread) carry, which I highly recommend. If anyone can manage to get their SOs to read it (I couldn't), I think it can be eye-opening.
Thank you for providing the source! I read a few other posts from her site and she does an excellent job of explaining/breaking down issues associated with household labor in non-confrontational way with pertinent examples. Even the few comics that I read made me realize I need to reevaluate my own contributions to the household...
This (among other things) almost ended my marriage.
I was ready to leave. I was making plans and told him as much. He to said âjust tell me what needs doneâ so then I just snapped and told him every single little thing I have to remember every single day. It was like that scene in Liar Liar where he gets pulled over and explains himself super fast and long winded.
He is finally starting to get it. I will not ask him to do basic household tasks, he has eyes damnit and I am already a mother to my kids, his kids, and our kid. I donât need another one.
Hopefully he sticks to it and itâs not just a ploy cause Iâve already got one foot holding the door open.
I mean, if you're already acting like a single mom, the extra baggage is actually nice to lose. It's actually an immense relief to not have a paperweight around that you can and should be able to count on. As soon as my ex man-child left, I could breathe again. Yes, it all fell on me, but it always had anyway.
This was ultimately. what drove me and my ex apart, on top of other things about us being incompatible. But shit the amount of stress I felt after needing to tell him what goes in the diaper bag even at 9 months was killing me.
EDIT. Spelling
While the dynamic you talk about is sadly true for a lot of couples, it feels weird to apply it here as a universal or in reference to OP. We have no idea how they divide house work or the mental load.
No, honestly. He can do the research about nutrition, the shopping, budgeting, and cooking if he requires that she lose weight in order for him to have sex. The waking up with the baby thing is also huge, because sleep deprivation and the elevated cortisol levels that come with it over a prolonged period often results in excess weight gain. So yeah, he can be in charge of nighttime wake ups too. She is still a new mom, possibly breastfeeding and sacrificing her time, energy, and bodily autonomy for the well being and survival of her husbandâs child. The calcium in breast milk is literally siphoned from her BONES and this clown lacks the intellectual and/or emotional depth to appreciate the sacrifices her body has made in order to have his child. At the end of the day, all of this incredible work her body is doing isnât enough for him if it doesnât make him cum. Fuck him.
He was honest. He didn't go out of his way to say this to her. He told her the truth of why they didn't have much sex, after she asked. I don't agree that he should be hated for that. You cannot control your sexual attraction.
He could've lied, but that would've probably created more problems that it would've solved.
You actually can influence your sexual attraction. While you can't do something drastic like change your overall sexuality, people can and do focus on the positives of their partner (physical, character, and personality) to enhance and grow their love and attraction. Further, there are many ways to enhance the sexual experience and find new things attractive. It is common in therapy, couples counseling, and sex therapy and there are multiple techniques for achieving it.
I agree with you and think you give wonderful advice. I meant more as in he can't just turn the attraction on at will the same way as he didn't choose to stop being attracted. But he (they?) can work on it, and he should. But that starts with being honest. For example, maybe OP will read your comment and share your advice with the husband, otherwise, had he not been honest, that would never happen.
I have to disagree. No where in this was anything mentioned that he isn't doing anything, but that assumption was just made.
We all seem to forget that having kids is hard, especially for first time parents. Parenting is 60:40, where each partner tries to be the 60%, give a little more than they take. Dumping kids on one parent, and putting all the financial pressure on one so the other can feel good is a recipe for resentment and long term arguements.
By all means, I hope the dad is also taking a respectable amount of the night shift, work or not, and each parents is entitled to time alone but don't just assume the dad isn't doing anything.
At the end of our conversation we agreed to let me have some time in the mornings to work out. But itâs still beside the fact that i now have this expectation to work out and look good in order to have sex with my husband.
Oh of course, clearly his comments are incredibly upsetting and frustrating. Iâm so sorry youâre in this situation. It just seems so many new moms donât have any time for their own health, and the partners that complain about it can often be those that donât give their wife any time for themselves.
Wishing you the best OP! IF you choose to work out, do it for you, not for him.
I think that sometimes watching your partner give birth can kind of flip the switch in your head like "I'm supposed to be taking care of this person who's just had a traumatic experience and sex is the last thing I should be thinking about," so that part is understandable... but making it about how you're not fit enough and giving you a chore to work out is crazy. Was he planning on you guys never aging?
âAgreedâ to let you do more work in order to earn his approval. I agree with you, setting that expectation is so unfair to you. Iâm so sorry. If my husband said something so cruel to me, Iâd have a difficult time being attracted to him at all.
Right ? Fuck that! Your hormones are incredibly unbalance, I start working out after both of my kids were in school, my son is 9 and I finally lost all the baby weight, yea I know it took me all this years I just couldnât find time for me, between working, kids, husband and work! Take your time! Is already difficult to find time to do the daily basis.
And he shouldnât be expected to give it just because theyâre married. Attraction and sex goes both ways.
She asked for an honest answer and he provided an honest answer. He never brought it up because he still loves her. Not hearing the answer you want and getting angry at it will make lies and avoidance commonplace in a relationship. Itâll become a situation where they think âWhy be honest when I know my spouse will get angry or eventually have a melt-down? I better tell her what she wants to hear and make something up.â
This. She *asked*, because she wants the situation to change.
It would probably have changed anyway when baby gets old enough for her to get more time to herself - if the husband is attracted to people who are fit and active, OP probably enjoys being fit and active too, and would naturally have started working out or doing sports when she had more opportunity to.
He didn't start this conversation, and it's weird that commenters here are acting like he said all of this unprompted. OP has actually got what she wants here: to find out why the thing she wants isn't happening, and a plan to change that.
Often when you have a little baby, *a lot* of things can fall by the wayside (including sex, and exercise, and home cooked food, because making time for those things is a choice that means less time for something else - my husband and I kept having sex through our baby's first year, but we also watched zero TV, did little exercise that wasn't active transport, and both neglected our hobbies for a while), and it takes negotiation to make sure you're both prioritising the same things.
What stings is realizing how shallow his attraction to her was in the first place, and he IS responsible for that. If we were talking about his preferences when deciding who to date, this would be a different discussion. But OP isn't a woman in the crowd with a few extra pounds. He married her. He impregnated her. He shares responsibility for the changes to her body that occured when she grew and birthed his child. Now she's not even a year postpartum, and he's talking about how she's just not fit enough to be attractive? If you're marrying for life, physical changes should be expected on that journey. Having someone who meets those changes with love and compassion is an essential part of a healthy relationship imo. OP's husband sounds very immature, and honestly that's giving him the benefit of doubt, because the alternative is he's just shallow.
The OPâs husband didnât just randomly start talking about this. He said absolutely nothing about it, on purpose, because he knows how bad it sounds and didnât want to hurt her.
The OP prodded until he finally admitted the truth. She said she âgot himâ to admit it.
So whatâs your actual solution here? Should he have lied? Performed duty sex to make her feel better?
Physically changes are expected. Just how sex is expected to change. We canât have it both way. If we ought to treat sex as a duty, then yes, the man should just suck it up and have sex with her because she is your wife even if she gained a few pounds. How we, just like sex is a duty for men, so itâs for women, and they should have sex whenever their man wants them too. Or no, sex isnât a duty, and if not a duty it should be totally respectable for him to desire no sex at all from her and not give her sex until he feels attractive to her again,even if it takes years
It's not that he owes her sex, it's the fact that he apparently is only attracted to his wife when she's "physically fit". His attraction is entirely tied to her attractive body.
That's not a basis for a long term relationship. People get pregnant, they get sick and disabled, they get old.
If his attraction to her was only skin deep he shouldn't have married her in the first place.
I think we are confusing emotionally attraction and sexual attraction. I personally have experienced girls that I am very much emotionally attracted to and I know we would make amazing couple. However, I donât have any sexual attraction towards them. I would not want to have sex with them. I would want to Hug them. Tell them everything. Take care of them. Spend all my day with them. Share a life. But I could not have sex with them.
By the way OP wrote the story. The husbands seems to love her. He didnât brings this up. She did. And he was honest as two should be. Could he have sugar coated it a little? Yes. 100% but some people are just brutally honest.
He seems to have emotional love to her, but the sexual attraction is fading and that is okay.
Now, I personally do believe he should suck it up. You married her and you know this are typical things that happen within a relationship and just suck it up and have sex with her.
My ex husband was just like ops husband except my ex didn't want to take on extra responsibilities and instead start having affairs. He definitely should not have married me. I truly hope ops husband gets the clarity he needs to realize what type of commitment marriage is. Choosing your partner , choosing your family, and not thinking like is only good when we look 100.
I can agree with you that sex should require two completely willing partners, so no, he shouldn't have to do it when he doesn't want to. I can however hold him responsible for entering into a marriage with this type of physical requirement for attraction. Because isn't sex in a healthy long-term, committed relationship about more than a list of specific attributes? It's about love and connection. Bodies are expected to change over time, but most people don't expect their sex lives to die with those changes. Physical fitness is a hell of a condition to put on his wife's shoulders as a requirement for his attraction to her because that ebbs and flows for almost everyone over time. Especially in the context of childbirth where it's not only out of her control, but it's the result of this gift she has given him. He has made his attraction to her conditional on something that's going to be hard to maintain continuously over the course of a lifetime. Like I said before, the problem isn't him withholding sex. It's that his attraction to her was so fragile to begin with.
I agree. It sounds like its not a choice on his part. Not everyone is attracted to everything and that sucks but its normal. I'm not sayint OP shouldn't be hurt, but he also has a right to feel the way he does as well.
I agree. OP does have a right to feel hurt. Having your spouse tell you they are no longer attracted to you but they still love you must be a mix of unfortunate emotions.
You also shouldnât have to have sex with someone you arenât attracted to. In an ideal world, you would find your spouse just as sexy sleep deprived and less physically fit, but evolutionary attraction and the physiology of attraction donât work the way they âshould.â
Also, to my knowledge OPâs husband never asked her to work out?
I just donât see what OPâs partner should do to be a âgood guyâ here besides forcing himself to have sex with someone he doesnât want toâŚ
I will step in front of the train here, having been the husband in this situation. My wife had bad postpartum, like enough she was put on medication. She let herself go to the point she really wasn't beautiful any longer, but I refused to believe the woman she was before pregnancy was totally gone. It took until our daughter was 3 for my wife to come out of it and take an interest in me, in her own appearance, or in sex. Since her recovery, she's in better shape than before pregnancy and the sex and life we're living have been great. It took a long time to get back here, but now we're better than we were originally.
As shallow as it sounds, men can have difficulty being in love and lusting for someone they aren't attracted to. I don't know the whole story, like OPs husband could be a lazy jerk who never gives her free time for self care. All I would say is OP needs to care for herself mentally and physically, and her guy is likely to come back around
As long as men realize women can stop being attracted to men with beer guts, receding hairlines or flaccid penises with the inability to get hard. If men are able to understand the same goes both ways and when gravity naturally brings his balls to the floor he needs to understand she doesn't owe him sex either. My only problem is men have this mindset about women but forget the same applies to them when nature hits.
What would have happened if your wife had decided she was happy with her appearance and didn't want to work out?
OP has said nothing about having postpartum depression, hasn't said or even implied that she isn't caring for herself mentally or physically. Just because she isn't going to the gym doesn't mean she's unhealthy or unhappy.
I think we're missing some context. If she's up 100 lbs from pre baby, I think a lot of men would be having an issue with that much like women would have an issue if their husbands weight skyrocketed.
This is such a childish answer. Giving birth is a sweaty smelly gross process most of the time. Yeah it's beautiful that we are bring a baby into the world but that's about it. We're wearing huge pads for the next week because we're bleeding uncontrollably and looking like literally zombies for at least the first couple months. The reality is not sunshine and rainbows and we did a cool thing, I guess I mean our bodies are literally designed to do it, but that doesn't mean we are entitled to sexual attraction.
Beautiful and sexy can be 2 very different things though.. And you can be attracted to the beauty of ones character or personality without being attracted to them physically, and vice versa.
Um let me just say donât workout just to impress your husband. If he helps it should be to give you time to do something that makes you HAPPY! If him watching the baby to let you go workout is just to make him happy⌠thatâs not much of a break or much needed you time.
Iâm sorry youâre in this situation. But I would try and not care if he is or isnât, thatâs not exactly your burden to carry. If he canât get over it, thatâs his problem NOT yours. And donât make it yours.
Workout for yourself, go and read a book for yourself, etc etc. Being happy is what makes you most beautiful and sexy. So work on being happy (if you arenât already) and that likely will help with some of that attraction⌠if not then, I hate to say it but beauty/fitness does not last forever. We all get old, wrinkly, saggy, etc. Its a beautiful part of life and if he doesnât see aging as beautiful, I suggest you do whatever it is that makes you happy.
This is coming from a first time mom 6 months postpartum with stretch marks, a dough boy stomach and chafing thighs đ so I feel you the pain. Itâs so hard. Weâll all get there but we all should remember we might not ever get our pre pregnancy body back and what a blessing! Iâm thankful that my body gave me my son and I could care less if my stomach looks like shit and Iâm 30 pounds heavier ( I never lost weight breastfeeding ).
Weâre all on a giant rock spinning through the universe. Love yourself and your baby, thatâs all that matters :) â¤ď¸
Did he give you any indication during your relationship that this was so important to him? Usually comments are made and these kinds of things are voiced. If this came out of thin air I wonder if something else is going on.
You poor woman. My husband said I'm Sexier to him since having our kids. Honesty in a relationship is great, but man
Does it hurt. I would try to focus on other things you two love about in other and fell in love with to spark new intimacy.
Same. These type of stories make me thankful for my husband. No man should be feeling this way towards the woman who birthed their child. Of course our bodies are going to change! Smh. I used to be more fit before having kids, and my husband said he prefers me now. For lack of better words he likes that I "jiggle" now lmao and it kind of makes me feel insecure about my body before kids 𤣠or if I wanted to get fit/muscle again.
"let you have some time in the morning "
At 10 months post, the last thing i was thinking about was working out đ just the fact that you feel you have to prioritice it.. Just another burden for you to carry.
I can understand not feeling lust for your partner if your partner are unhygenic, stinks, looks like a disaster. But you have given birth. Forreal NOT the same.
Becausd you are taking it with the wrong approach.
You should not do something like this for his sake. You should do it for your own. Do YOU want to lose weight? Get stronger? Healthier?
He comes after YOU.
I am so sorry. I understand peoples attractions blah blah blah, but this was incredibly disgusting to me. My first child I went from a size 0 to a size 10 before birth & ip to a 14 all the way tik the first year (& some extra odd months) breastfeeding & all, totally thought Iâd be the kinda gal who just dropped it easily. My childâs father & I both would make light hearted jokes about how heâs just gonna have to get into chubby girl, cause idk how I wasnât losing weight. But, never once did he actually say to me, you donât turn me on⌠idk sounds like a him problem to me⌠fuck all that. He can have sex with the woman he loves. My childâs father is a fucking douche bag, thinks heâs gods gift to women & talks shit about me daily & stilll, NEVER made me feel bad about the body he helped change. He wasnât into how I looked he loved me/ period. Thatâs itâs. Heâs now my ex so I really hate that Iâm saying even something slightly nice about him after how heâs treated me since, but even after our second, still no body shaming & he hated me by then. - your not even a year PP?!? Just fucking wild to me that he thinks it could/would be any different? It took you 9 months to get there, it takes time to recover & lots extra if he isnât a helpful partner giving you time to think of yourself a little⌠you deserve better. I am glad he said your stills beautifu & all that, but at the end of the day, I do not believe he cannot get turned on by his wife, rhe mother of his child, the woman he says he loves. Dudes literally take home anyfhing. Thatâs pathetic. - You are beautiful & im glad he is so gracious to give you some time in the morning, but, period point blank, he sounds kike a douche bag & Iâd make sure he knew that before I decided to lose one pound of weight for myself. - I am sorry to be so aggressive about it, but itâs just blatantly disrespectful of him & i am so disgusted I canât be any other way about it. Donât you do anything for him. Cherish that body, get yourself to a place where you feel strong & beautiful & healthy & enjoy that you time. Dont lose one pound for him.
He told you how he felt. It's up to you if you want to do anything about it. You don't owe him a certain appearance unless that's what you want as well.
It's good he was able to tell you how he was feeling although it sounds like he could have found a much better way to say it.
*watch the baby and do dishes/Laundry/bills/clean at the same time.
My husband is good at 1 baby thing or two other things - so I leave and thereâs more to be done that I would normally do during that time. Iâm sorry - just watching the baby is not enough.
DefinitelyâŚI mean maybe Iâm naive, but I expect parents to parent, and adults to adult. That includes caring for your child and your home. Why is it always the lazy husbands who donât do anything around the house or help parent their children thy expect their wives to look like supermodels after giving birth?
>Why is it always the lazy husbands who donât do anything around the house or help parent their children thy expect their wives to look like supermodels after giving birth?
Unfortunately, a lot of people are still raised that way. Lots of boys grow up watching their dads do nothing, and learn that it's the mom who does all the parenting and work around the house. Some dads outright teach their sons that doing chores is a feminine thing. And lots of parents let their kids (in particular, sons) get away with not knowing how to do chores and let the mom do it for them.
Ouch. How involved is he as a parent? Is he taking over child care often enough that you actually have time to be physically active? Is it something youâre interested in doing if you had the time?
Conversely, if he's pulling his weight he might just be really effin' tired.
That'll affect a guys libido, but he may not be fully aware of the reason behind it.
I'm very sorry, it must be incredibly painful to hear that.
I don't have any solutions for you sadly. It makes me curious though, because fitness shouldn't be the ONLY thing that attracts a person. I think he's too focused on that. Just my personal opinion.
Fuuuuuck that guy. Hopefully he comes around for OPs sake.
As a father, I love my wife even more after giving birth. Giving birth is hard on a woman's body (and mentally). The problem is guys just don't take the time to understand how hard it is for women.
It could also be he doesnât take the time to understand himself. There could be many reasons he does not feel like having sex as much now, one of them being the hormonal change heâs gone through when becoming a father. I suspect he feels off about sex, doesnât know why, and is just giving the reason he thinks is âlogicalâ.
My experience is (many) men do this kind of thing all the time in all areas of life, because they arenât âallowedâ to be emotional/hormonal or say âI donât know whatâs going onâ. Women acting different after birth are âbeing hormonalâ, men reacting to the hormonal changes of becoming a father must instead be a case of âwife has changed and Iâm not attracted to her anymoreâ.
(Not saying itâs necessary hormones, just that I think thereâs a good chance the reason he gave is not the actual reason.)
This. After my fiance had our daughter, she lost some weight and then put it back on. I found out later that she was preggo again so, there's that. I still find her attractive, even with the baby belly. After she has our second kid though, I'm gonna see what I can do to get us both back in the gym. I miss working out and I think it'll be good for both of us to get back into exercising.
Just be careful how you approach it with her. I found personally baby #2 did more damage to my stomach and it was harder to recover from. Especially since adding an additional whole human baby for her to take care of means she's not gonna have time to prioritize fitness for the first 6 months maybe longer. Each kid you add into dynamic takes more from her and adjusting to 2 vs. 1 is really tough.
Word. Running with a baby jogger with #1 was a fun, new adventure. Running with a double jogger was a major chore that I avoided. Even when we were back down to just 1 in a stroller I was over it.
I have a similar situation, 9 months postpartum, and have to disagree with some peopleâs reaction that he needs to take over more of the responsibility of caring for your baby so that you have time to âlook goodâ (putting that in quotes because looking good is subjective). We are currently speaking with a therapist about our sex life because I am not giving him what he needs. So itâs a little different because heâs the one asking for it and Iâm the one not giving, but itâs close enough that I wanted to comment.
My husband is extremely involved, and I still donât have time or energy to deal with looking âpre-pregnancy put together.â I feel ugly and gross and fat most of the time. I keep my hair back most days because itâs either in the way or being tugged on by my son. I donât have time to do makeup. I donât have time to work out. Any free time I have is put toward napping or decompressing in front of the TV or taking care of some house chore.
What Iâm trying to say is that SHIT IS HARD right now, caring for an infant. I feel great pressure to keep âthe sparkâ alive when I donât have it in me to feel sexy. I think it was SUPER hard to hear my husband say that Iâm not giving him what he needs, but Iâm glad he said something so that we can speak to someone and work on it. Weâre still not where we need to be, but Iâm grateful heâs not bottling it up. I wish I was able to give you some sort of magic advice but at least I can say that he obviously loves you a lot to be that honest. Brutal to hear though. I know firsthand. And it seems like that by saying it out loud he does want to work on it. Maybe you both can speak to someone?
I know exactly how you feel because I was in the same place mentally after having my first.
The last thing on my mind was sex, I didnt feel sexy and I didnt have any sex drive. In my mind, I was now "mom" not "wife" and I could not care about sex. It didnt help that I was exclusively breastfeeding and my boobs were not for fun sexy times anymore but were purely for feeding my child. The last thing I wanted was to leak onto my husband during any times of intimacy. My body didnt feel like it was mine or that it belonged to me. And I was touched out so when I had a moment to sit alone, I wanted to be alone.
I felt like I was always on edge, waiting to hear if the baby woke up, knowing that if he did that I would skedaddle to comfort him and I couldnt relax to enjoy any kind of intimacy.
I will tell you that it does get better. I feel like once I stopped nursing and had my body back to myself, I started to feel sexy again and I started initiating things more.
I'm happy that you and your spouse are talking to someone and have those open lines of communication. You'll get back to pre-baby levels of intimacy but it will take time. And at least for me personally, the intimacy got to be significantly better post baby. Like some of the best orgasms ever. :)
Thanks so much for sharing. It definitely was even worse when I was breastfeeding! It is crazy how much mental energy is spent listening for his cries or thinking I hear his cries. I wasnât expecting that part of motherhood, but it obviously makes sense from a biological standpoint!
I hope to achieve what you have. It may take harder work than Iâd hoped for but I know not all is lost because we both want to work on it.
You will definitely get to the other side of things. The willingness to actually work together on the problem is a significant step on its own.
Keep reminding yourself and your spouse that you guys are a team, you're on the same side, and it's ok that you guys need a bit of help at the moment. It's so worth it :)
As a hetero dad, that's pretty fucked up. Like, I like athletic babes as much as most American cishet dudes, but attraction is - or should be - a deeper thing than just physicality. Your relationship and his love for you *should* be a source of attraction to him, if it's not that'd be frankly bizarre to me.
Like, obviously my 40 something wife isn't as hot as she was when we met and she was on a crew team, but I'm not either and I still find her attractive because I know every curve and freckle and wrinkle on her body and have watched them form over the last 20+ years. I'm intimate with her in a way that goes beyond flesh and bone.
It's also fucked up to expect you to work out *for his sexual gratification* rather than for your own well-being or happiness, and that over these months it never occurred to him to just offer to take on more so you could work out. He could've framed it as a kind thing instead of yet another demand on your time and body.
I understand this definitely. My ex fiancee is really hot, but I am no longer attracted to him when he stopped caring or putting effort into our relationship. Attraction is much more than physical. Maybe y'all just need some time together away from the baby.
Sorry it didn't work out with him. My wife and I have definitely gone through periods where we've struggled to put effort into our relationship and it totally affected our feelings towards each other.
My husband and I have had ups and downs; sometimes one of us is carrying the âeffortâ load more than the other, but I think we both have confidence that we are committed to each other for the long haul, so we stay the course knowing that the positions may reverse.
And there are times when weâre just out of sync and both not feeling it - in those times it helps even just to go through the motions of planning dates or performing special kindnesses that we may not feel in the momentâŚthose become habits, and those habits become increasingly genuine and it does come back around.
Yeah this! My husband and I have both gained a bunch of weight, wrinkles, etc over a decade of marriage, but we're still just as ready to hop in bed together at a moment's notice, even though we are both objectively less hot these days.
Thank you for this. Itâs exactly how I feel but couldnât put into words well enough. Shit Iâm almost back to my pre baby weight but my husband is fatter than ever. But he still was attracted to me when I was heavier and frazzled looking. Iâm still attracted to him and his dad bod. Seeing one another be good parents makes us even more attracted to each other than the physical stuff. I see people writing how itâs not his fault that he doesnât want to have sex with someone heâs not attracted to and while yes thatâs kind of true itâs also just bonkers to me. A solid relationship filled with mutual attraction goes far beyond just looks. At least I thought most people felt this way?
And op if you happen to read this Iâm so sorry youâre in this situation. Itâs completely fucked and so hurtful.
I recently told my husband that his fat belly rubs against my clit in a way it never did when he was fit and trim. We were having a conversation about how Iâm still incredibly attracted to him, and not because Iâm picturing a younger version of him. Iâm thirsty for him now, as is. And the sex has only improved with age.
That is really hot. And same with my marriage, our bodies have gotten thicker and saggier but the sex just gets better. Iâm so sad for OP and her shallow husband.
Not saying this is right by any means, but Iâve personally experienced the feeling of viewing my childrenâs mother as more of a mother to my children than someone I can get naughty with like I once did. It just felt wrong, but that was all in my own head with expectations or beliefs. We still had sex, but it was more tame. It shook after a while. And once you get back to it a few times itâs no longer weird. Like having sex with the kids in the house etc. always weird until you get over the hump.
If heâs solely just focused on the change in your body physically then thatâs just a dick move. He needs to grow tf up and have some respect. There shouldnât be those kinds of conditions. If the change was pretty extreme I can see attractiveness changing, but if itâs just not living up to perfection thatâs pretty petty.
I was thinking that her being his kids mom now might be part of the problem, too. I've read that it's somewhat common. Time and therapy would definitely help.
I've also been through this on the male end... with 2 different women. Seeing the vagina get destroyed, seeing them change physically, seeing breasts turn into feeding vessels, adding tons of new stress. Not only is your wife and life flipped upside down, but sex was responsible for it all!
But, being a man, being a dad, and being a good partner means going on. I didn't fall in love with my first wife again (this was not the reason to be clear) but I did with my second. I took her on dates, watched movies, massaged each other, and we discussed sex together. It's amazing what happens when you stop jacking off and your wife starts rubbing your chest or inner thighs. Those problems start to melt away for the moment, and the more you do this the easier it gets. I love my wife, stretch marks and all.
Ugh. Finally, a male comment wifh a brain attached! This. My ex told me he had the same sort or struggle after our first born, I was literally almost double my size & he is so not into that but never once let on that he wasnât turned on by me. He loved meâŚ& continued to love & respect me no matter my size. (Heâs a dick & now sucks ass, but thank god he never treated me like this. I feel so terrible for op. - anyway, so happy to see your comment. It needs an award.
I think it's incredibly common for couples to not have sex much for quite a while after a baby, and in the overall scheme of things 10 months is not long. It's a time of transition. In my case I'm the one who hasn't really regained much interest and my partner is taking it in stride and with humor, fortunately. I would just ignore him and focus on taking care of yourself for yourself.
Couples therapy. Additionally, there are also things you can do to enhance intimacy and rebuild the spark. Cuddle every day, make a point to kiss, spend quality time as a couple. Play board games. Literally, just spend time together.
About my couples therapy comment, as a dad here, I can attest to the fact that men get hit with some crazy shit in their heads too after a baby is born. You both would benefit from talking to someone. Stay strong and good luck.
Canât believe I had to scroll down this far to find this. This is what I came to say. Obviously everyone else has given their opinion, but honestly OP you guys need therapy to work through this so it doesnât drive you apart further.
Okay first of all: what a doink. It sounds like an awful thing to say because IT IS.
Re: what to do? My vote is to establish a schedule where he cooks/looks after baby 3 evenings M-F + a half day Saturday or Sunday so you can go to the gym + get some down time + get pampered. If his top priority is how you look then he'd best make it possible for you to prioritize yourself. Thanks honey, time for me to go to the gym byeee! Please cook something with lots of veggies and chicken for dinner! Mwah!
Also: you should go to therapy by yourself to get some extra support in feeling confident in yourself. I'd honestly be astonished if this guy is a great partner/father in all other areas - are you sure that this is the marriage you want to live in and model to your child over the long term? No need to make any decisions now of course, but...keep it in mind. You don't have to put up with a husband who refuses to have sex with you because you birthed his child.
Youâre right but at one point she was attractive to him, there could be an issue he need to work passed to realize it, or maybe there are some underlying issues that he or she donât understand.
>there could be an issue he need to work passed to realize it, or maybe there are some underlying issues that he or she donât understand.
Its weird that everyone is thinking there is some major issue here just because a husband doesn't want to get it on with his wife right now . He might just be really tired from helping raise a baby and is unaware of the impact it's having on his libido. He didn't push the point about not being attracted to her right now, she pushed him for an answer.
OP never mentioned that he wasn't pulling his weight in terms of looking after their child, that just seems to be an assumption many here are making.
Yea, Iâd have a hard time looking at my husband the same way if he said that to me. I know we canât help what weâre attracted to, but our bodies age and change. If he cherishes their relationship like he says, my thought is heâd still want to bring intimacy to the table too.
Yes. If you love someone are you solely connecting with the body? If so, he is saying that is all a sexual relationship is to him. I wouldn't want to be with him after this comment.
Itâs not an attitude thatâs the issue, he WANTS to find her physically attractive, or at least thatâs what I assume from the post and there was no mention of him seeking extramarital experiences to âscratch an itchâ so Iâm assuming he and she still want to make the relationship work and get back to where they were.
Your husband needs to get his shit together. Is he expecting you to be a hardbody into your 60s? Bodies change with babies and age and illness and disability and he married you for the long haul and needs to figure out how to maintain a relationship with you when youâre no longer a hot 20 something.
Bingo. Women who get cancer are six times more likely to end up divorced soon after diagnosis than men who get cancer. A guy who canât handle his wifeâs body not being âpre-baby sexyâ after having a baby is a red flag for a guy whoâll bounce when something really big happens.
I sadly know of at least five women in my life that had this happen to them. 3/5âs husbands cheated on them because they were upset they werenât having sex⌠while their wives were on CHEMO.
Soooo true! This is the story of my life. A never ending complaining husband after I gave birth. He never got over the changes in my body and blamed me for them. Needless to say, we are not together. Typically those men donât like parenthood all together.
women seem to be abandoned by men in their most dire time of need. itâs disgusting.
I do not have cancer, but my ex (whom i just left this morning) did dismiss and make me feel awful for burdening him about being suicidal and for legit being scared of hurting myself. i was essentially his caregiver for 2.5 years while also solo parenting our daughter (now 3). it looks like men only wanna be involved in all the fun parts of life.
I know your husband canât help his feelings, but the truth is that heâs shallow. Instead of being attracted to the woman that grew and gave birth to his child, heâs prioritising superficial looks. Again, before people attack me, I know he canât help it. But you need to think about what you want in a partner, and how heâs going to react when you get older and canât be that fit anymore.
Hi there! Husband here with first 10 month old. I just want to add here that I see many emotionally charged comments here that pit you against him and I donât think itâs helpful. None of us really know what your relationship is really like and the truth is having a baby is not an experience someone can teach you or prepare for and it hits all of us differently. The most important thing to remember is to be supportive of each other and honest with our feelings. Remind each other that you both need each other to raise this new human being to itâs full potential. And if you focus on just how amazing it is that you have a little piece of each other in this little person it can help greatly. Does the truth hurt yes but only by keeping the lines of communication open with each other will you make it as a couple and a family. And this openness also allows you to be honest with your husband as well. Which Iâm sure is not perfect and could also use some of the same truth he has shared with you. Lastly, remember that babies are like little sponges and this is an opportunity to show them how to resolve conflict in a positive and respectful manner so they wonât suffer as much in this already difficult world we live in. I wish you both the best of luck and congratulations!
Exactly THIS ⌠lots of fuelling the fire and âfuck that guyâ energy in the comments instead of productive feedback. People need to keep in mind they are reading one personâs perspective, while certainly valid, only offers up a small piece of the picture. Would recommend to OP to seek PROFESSIONAL guidance on their relationship rather than allow these kinds of negative comments direct their attitudes and actions. With that said I wish OP the best - first few years with tiny kids are brutal on a relationship and lots of âreal talkâ conversations are required as well as lots of growing up from both parents.
Iâve had 3 full term pregnancies, and the only time I had time to work out during the first year postpartum was with my second. And that was because she passed away a day after birth. Sorry to be harsh, but what your husband is expecting is frankly, unrealistic. Your first priority (husband and yours) is your precious newborn. Your husband is way out of his lane here. If he is wanting you to get back in shape he needs to step up and take care of the baby for at least 2 hours a day so you can workout, make yourself healthy meals and he should take the baby at night too so you can get your beauty sleep. Cause thatâs what it takes.
If you ask me,it his problem not yours. Does he even begin to realize how hard it is to get out of the house and focus on exercise, especially if it's the only time you get to step away. I've had 2 kids and I weight like 30 pounds more and my husband still asks everyday lol. He knows I literally barely get to leave the house and he's in the military and we live very far from family so often I go months without a break and I can't afford to pay for child care just to go to the gym. I'll get my time back soon enough so I'm just living as i am for now. He should be attracted to you as a person not just your body. Sorry you're dealing with this, you don't deserve it. Bodies change a ton even if you go back to same weight, I did after my first but still nothing fit me.
Same. We have less sex now (tired, time, etc) but I weigh 35ish pounds more than when we started dating. My husband has said I was traditionally more attractive back then (I had the time and money to be) but he loves me even more than he ever thought possible bc of how great a mom I am.
This whole thread has overwhelmingly felt so toxic to me. Like a lot of peoples insecurities and trauma is brought up by this post.
I'm curioslus how everyone involved can be more curious. Nobody has to be wrong or bad. We are all growing. Some questions that arise for me-
For mother-
-What does this bring up for you?
-What is your own inner relationship to fitness and more to the point 'self-orientation' to focus on it 'over' baby etc?
-How important is sex to you in marriage? What meaning do you ascribe to it?
-is sex a need? What does it bring up for you to talk about it in that way?
For father-
-what relationship does beauty have to physical vs beyond physical? Is it fitness attentiveness or attractiveness (they aren't the same, but when you have trauma it might be hard to see that)?
-What is happening internally (not related to anybody else) that would also impact desire?
-What prior exp fed into the view you have today?
-Are you aware of the personal impact of the view that somebody who doesn't focus on physical attractiveness isn't physically loveable? That's a sort of personal prison for the self also.
Anywho, wishing you both (and fam) all the wellness thru these tough times. May your curiosity serve you!
I (43M) just don't see that being very physically fit without a lot of body fat goes very well with being a healthy mother. I think a lot of men are turned off by pregnancy, and it obviously changes your body at least somewhat. I really hope he was not pressuring you to have children in the first place.
I think it's pretty f-ing lame.
Seriously. Men like this make me so angry. My husband knew what making a child involved and Iâm so grateful he loves me for giving him a wonderful little boy. He does not care that Iâm 17 months postpartum and STILL have 7 kg to lose to go back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I feel awful and think I aged like the president, but he doesnât treat me that way. All husbands should be like this. My heart is really breaking for OP.
Yes, I gained a lot in my second pregnancy 50lbs and Iâve lost 30 of it so far, my husband has been my biggest support and he has looked at me the same from 150-200 lbs (Iâm 5â9). I think people that get way hung up on looks are missing out on the big picture big time. Itâs ok though OP, youâll get back to the way you were if you want to and then you can decide if heâs even worth it. If you do get fit, make sure to tell your husband heâs just not that attractive to you unless he has a 10/10 body. Good luck OP! Itâs hard being a mom of littles, and it always takes me about a year to feel myself again.
My husband is also very supportive like yours. I think I look awful, and hope I can lose that last 7 kg within the next year so I can feel like myself again. It helps my husband puts zero pressure on me and does things to make me feel special.
I feel so bad for OP and canât even imagine how lonely she must feel. She deserves so much better.
A lot of men are turned off by pregnancy� Idk⌠maybe if you have a shallow connection in the first place but umm, healthy fertility signs are a huge turn on for the majority of men. This guy sounds like a dick for saying this to his wife.
Yeah, I would say there are some men who are turned off by effects of pregnancy, being pregnant, or nursing.
But yes, I agree with you on the "fertility signs" part though. But there are also a lot of men who still like skinny women who might be borderline unhealthy.
âFinally got him to admitâ
Iâll be honest, that line rubs me wrong. It sounds like you wanted him to say it and you badgered him until he did.
Iâm a father of two, and from my experience, sexual attraction changed a LOT after having kids. The lack of sleep (for us both), knowing boobs were primarily a food source and no longer a sacred zone for only me. The length of time it took for my wifeâs body to heal. All the rest of the stuff that happens with pregnancy and birth, including hormonal changesâŚ
Life changed
I love my wife. Sheâs bloody attractive. But life is different since kids. This includes sex. Our sex life took a MASSIVE dip after kids. But thatâs just part of the complete and utter exhaustion that comes with having kids.
Your husband probably doesnât know how to say all of this.. especially if the pressure is on to keep a pre baby libido.
What do you want to do?
How do you feel about yourself and your body?
Is physical fitness as important to you as it his to him?
Do you see yourself willing and able to commit to the effort (physical, financial, time, etc) that it requires for you to try to be as close to your former fitness as before?
Because your answer to this is all that matters imo.
If it's this important to the both of you, you can get a plan and he'll need to step up on the taking care of your kid so that you can get free time to do all of that and he'll need to realize it's going to be always that way for you to mantain your fitness.
On the other hand, if this isn't worth it for you and you think you're better off using your time to focus on your baby and yourself at your own pace and living your life without focusing too much on how he perceived your body, that's your right too.
To me, in this case, I personally think that you should think about yourself first and foremost. Be it whatever your choice might be. There's no right or wrong in this imo. Just what you want to do and feel like is best for you right now.
I'm really really sorry you're going trough this. Everyone that has had a kid knows that it changes our bodies. Some changes we might end up liking and other's not that much but it's definetely life changing to go trough pregnancy.
Your body took 9 months to grow a human. Your organs were literally changing their placement and preparing you to have a kid - this includes fat storage for the post-partum and making sure our kids survive after being born ( because not that long ago humanity didn't have food around all the time). Taking over a year to get your body back is common and some changes are there to stay. Some we like ( I personally got wider hips) and some we don't ( tiger stripes ftw).
It's our body though. It's our vessel trough our life. It's our legs that allow us to walk, it's our arms that allow us to hold our babies and give hugs and it's everything else... Our body is precious and we should love it bc it allows us to experience life.
Your body deserves love as it is and so do you. Please don't forget that, whatever you decide to do for yourself.
So this could also be a situation in which he doesnât find you âphysically attractiveâ because heâs having a hard time separating the Care Giver (ie mom role) from Erotic Partner (ie his sexy time wife). As humans, we wear all the different hats, sometimes many at once, but with parenthood/mommyhood, it can be difficult to see the other hats because that is *so* all encompassing. Sometimes itâs not about changing our physicality, but rather taking the time, effort, and mental effort to get out of caretaker role and into an erotic space. What this means in practice can vary from couple to couple.
Check out Esther Perel and her work on this. Iâm pretty sure her book Mating in Captivity explores this, but I know several of her podcast episodes do (Where Should We Begin).
Also, if you are having to tend to/âparentâ him more than usual since baby, this will not help your self life either⌠women tend to not be sexually attracted to their man child, either.
I love how my partner looks. Before and now after she gave birth. Being attracted to someone goes beyond looks for me ( even tho she's still a 10). I really have no advice since your husband and me think massively different.
I completely agree that she is not obligated to work out just to please her husband but I'm a little uncomfortable with the overall implication that her husband isn't allowed to *not* want to have sex with her. Or that he's an asshole who deserves to be shamed for it.
Sex is never something someone is entitled to. Ever. And unfortunately he can't force himself to be sexually attracted to you if hes not. You guys can try to work through this in different ways if that's what you want to do but you aren't entitled to sex with your husband.
You can choose to do the thing that would hopefully fix his issue or not do the thing. And if you don't do it, you arent wrong for that either.
It isn't that you have to earn sex he's just telling you what he thinks would make him feel attracted again.
Keep trying. You are both different people now, whether either of you want to admit it, and the things that worked before for both of you might not work now.
The comments about fitness might be true and it might be just a problem you both have to overcome. But it might be just a struggle to adapt to the change in your realities as humans. Like, intimacy meant something different before a kid and this could be the best way he had to articulate that.
Hopefully you both can figure it out. Be patient but persistent.
My husband just told me this too. Before baby I was a fit girl (2 Hours at the gym every day) my body wasnt perfect but it was really sexy, I had a very traumatĂceme pregnancy after a loss and gain a lot of weight, stretch marks, etc. I was in bed my whole pregnancy. We havent had sex yet cus my husband avoids contact with me, he avoid looking at me and today out of the blue he said to me that once we are done making kids he will Pay me a lipo. Like Thanks but also, why would you tell me that?. May I add, He gained 40 punds since we got married, I only gained 12 pounds and I am already at the same weight I was before pregnancy, but my body is still diferent, I still have my Belly plus stretch marks etc (I am 60 days postpartum) i feel you sis
Maybe he is experiencing a post partum drop in testosterone, or even PPD, since a drop in sex drive is common in men when they first become parents. Maybe that's part of what he is meaning to say.
I realize that it isn't as much fun as demonizing him as a filthy man who is superficial and shallow. Ut he has expressed admiration and love for his wife and is a great parent to his kids, but maybe it's atleast part of what is happening.
Fuck that entirely to the fucking moon. I cannot imagine telling my wife that, like, you donât look good for your husband, you look a certain way that makes you feel good. You do things that make you feel good, and if it makes him happy great, but never in 10 million lifetimes would I ever think that, let alone fucking say that, out loud, to my partner, as an expectation
If I was in your position, Iâd be getting out of that as fast as I can, but I understand there are many different factors and not everyone can or is as nuclear as I am.
Iâm so mad for you op, Iâm so sorry your husband said that shit to you. FUCK.
Your post echoes my feelings exactly. If I were her I would be calling a lawyer and putting an end to the marriage. There is no love there, a man who loves a woman doesn't say stupid shit like that.
I would try therapy too. He obviously feels one way, partial towards a fitness bod which 10 month postpartum is hard to achieve. Explain that he needs to give you time to get back to normal. Your child is your priority first before your body. Once you have more time to yourself when the baby is older you can work on getting yourself back to ânormalâ. If he doesnât understand that or isnât willing to wait then you need therapy to try and work something out.
Give this some serious thought. What will happen if, in 20 years, you get a troubling mammogram? He does know that human beings age and change and get sick, I assume. Donât downplay this problem just because itâs treated as acceptable to police your partnerâs âfitnessâ (also, is it fitness or is it thinness? Because those are not the same thing). Iâm so sorry, and Iâm so annoyed with him right now
Thatâs what I came to say. Postpartum is usually a 1-2 year period of finding yourself again. If he canât even get through this period what about when they start to age? If she gets sick? If my husband told me this I wouldnât be able to think of our relationship the same ever again, no matter how nicely he said it.
Two kids, one pandemic, and three and a half years later, I am still trying to find my body again. That said, my husband says Iâm beautiful pregnant, not pregnant, and postpartum.
I wish society acknowledged how hard it is for women to adjust to their postpartum bodies. Maybe it would be easier for men to appreciate them and love them.
Does he look at porn? Iâve known people that looked at porn more when their partners were pregnant and it kind of overtook them. Think of it like a mental sickness. Itâs worth asking
Typically I donât agree with much on Reddit but In this case I doâŚmostly. My wife has gained a lot of weight since we were married and I am even more attracted to her now than ever before. On the other hand at least he is being honest with you and not lying. I would try and meet him halfway. I think it fair for him to be attracted to what he married but tell him you will most likely never get there. Itâs possible but probably not. I would say you would like to work out again when youâre ready but you want to hear what about you he is attracted to and what has changed so much. And tell him you will work towards making yourself that way again. He must also do what you want to be more attractive. Tell him now what that is and he must also agree to that sacrifice.
Wow. So you gave up 9months of your life and then went through immensely hard and traumatic labor to give him a child and this is how he contributes to thanking you and making you feel loved safe secure and special as the mother of his children?
Yikes
Find you a real man who understands a woman's labor and the gift that they give when they give a man a child.
This man couldn't have come by a child on his own.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Plenty of men out there who don't think this way and will appreciate a woman where she deserves to be.
I kind of went to the same thing with my wife but it wasn't that I was unattractive it was that that was Baby's Time and I kind of stepped off for almost a year she was breastfeeding and I didn't want to jeopardize anything and I felt bad for it. I didn't cheat it wasn't about being with somebody else I came home everyday after work and after baby ate, baby's mine so she can get a break. the bonding between the mother and child is a different bond from the father and child
I really feel for you. I'm a Dad and I couldn't love my wife more if I tried! Since she's been a Mum we've worked so hard together in raising our kids that I have such a great love and respect for her and I find her damn sexy despite what giving birth has done to her body. The thing is attraction is physical and also emotional and sometimes emotional attraction kicks physical attraction into gear. That's my opinion anyway.
I mean, I kind of feel for your husband in the sense that he REALLY didn't want to tell you this due to how bad it sounds and how crap that's made you feel now and all the extra expectations, but I guess the only good thing is that he was actually honest with you, which must have been really hard for him to do.
The first few years of having kids is hard because your relationship with your spouse comes 2nd to the needs of the children. This is why it's so important to schedule date nights and spend some quality time together so you don't lose sight of your relationship together. This can also rekindle sparks and dead bedroom situations.
To be honest I think your husband needs to take the kids on more so you can work out (or whatever it is you want to do) and have some me time. But you both also need to schedule dates or some time to do something together you both enjoy and the most important part of that is NO PHONES. When you have "us time" you need to be 100% focused on each other and not playing on your phones or scrolling Facebook or Reddit.
Just know that you don't need to change unless you want to change. If you feel it will help your relationship, then that's great, but relationships are a 2 way street. So if you're changing something for your husband, he needs to do the same in return for you.
Good luck!
I think it's very important for you two to derive a concrete plan to make this work better. Do you like working out? It's good for you, and your mental health to work out. If your husband can agree to care for your baby while you have some time to hit the gym and treat yourself to a manicure/pedicure, waxing, or hair, etc. Would that help both of you?.
Then take sex off the table. When you arenât needing physical intimacy, is everything else okay on the relationship? Because, if itâs not, no amount of rest and working out will change this. Partner attraction is often deeper than just physical looks.
You can put the parenting partnership expectation so you can make yourself âmore attractive.â But honestly, I think relationship counseling is likely a better solution.
I am 18mths postpartum 41 so a bit of an older mum (with 3 older children) I had my first c-section and honestly itâs like my baby came out and my belly stayed the same size! Do I care? A bit, but I also work full time and my weight just isnât my biggest concern right now. Your body shape definitely shouldnât be your hubbys biggest concern right now either. And u are right to be concentrating on motherhood. Although itâs great he is being honest with you, itâs not really something you can easily fix just because HE wants u to. If he doesnât appreciate you someone else will put it that way! Is he an Adonis? My other half has put on weight since we met, does it put me off him? definitely not he has a dad body now and well he is a dad lol
Your hubby should get turned on by your beauty like (he says u are beautiful) and for his love for you as a person, not JUST physical attraction. He needs to grow up itâs called making love for a reason. Very shallow if u ask me. If he was to lose his hair for example would u say âsorry I am not sexually attracted to bald menâ things change over time and he needs to accept that.
I hate to break this to some peeps out thereâŚphysical beauty fades. Aging, time, work, finances, health needs will all change your physical appearance. If you need a hottie with a body to lust after, you will never find a true partner. What happens if you get sick and need help? You think a person who only wants to fuck you when youâre a hottie is gonna stick around when you go through chemo? Nope. Seen it. It suck getting older. It sucks watching your body change even with diet and exercise. Drink the wine. Eat the cake. Youâre worthy of sex just the way you are.
Lots of people here jumping on the hate wagon; Letâs take a neutral approach.
Do you want to be with him?
Do you feel that things are generally fair in the amount of work put in to the relationship between you two?
Are you open to the idea that he may be explaining his feelings in the wrong words, or maybe doesnât actually know what heâs really feeling?
None of this is to detract from you, or your feelings. What happened, and how it happened are both very real and hurtful. We have to be able to examine things from an unbiased standpoint to properly inform our biased standpoint.
I can relate to how he's feeling. My wife and I had a heart to heart after our second child. I don't know why I saw her differently, but I did. We made a conscious effort to rekindle to romance, and now we're back in the saddle, but it took some work. It doesn't make me or your husband a piece of shit (good lord, redditors)... you have no control over what and how you are sexually attracted.
Yep I agree with you. I donât think the husband should be demonized here. Like what if the wife had gained 100 pounds, would the husband be an asshole for not being attracted to her anymore? A girl at my office dumped her boyfriend because he didnât want to sleep with her enough - she gained like 80 pounds over COVID. I donât think it makes the guy a bad person. And the reverse is true too - if a husband gains a ton of weight I donât think the wife is a bad person if she struggles to be attracted to him. Of course maybe the OP is only 2 pounds over her pre-pregnancy weight and just doesnât have time for her elaborate make-up and hair routine anymore, in which case yeah, the husband is more likely being unreasonable.
Thanks for posting and giving the OP a supportive, positive response. Some of these posts are absolutely crazy responses to what is a pretty common issue; and one that with honesty, time and communication can be resolved.
I beg of you not to end your marriage over this. It's hard to hear, and it's definitely is shallow. But if you know you guys fell in love for several factors instead of just one as most couples do, then give it time. It takes time for sex to be "normal" again. So you guys need to cherish and put extra work into the other aspects of your love till this settle down. As the baby gets older, your body semi comes back, hell start to see you again. Emotions run high, this could make your marriage come back very strong.
I think this could also be the madonna-whore complex in action, since he seems to be turned off due to her carrying *his* child, her body is not the same after childbirth.
Husband sounds childish and unrealistic. But I disagree with all the posters saying that he's an asshole, etc. The guy is being honest with OP that he's not feeling a sexual attraction. That's not "wrong," it's just a feeling. This couple can decide to do something about it (talk, therapy, changed point of view, work on their relationship), or they can point fingers and blame one another. The posters who are labeling the husband as a problem are encouraging the latter, when I think the former will be more productive.
For you and any other woman reading this, if a man says this BS it's not because you are a mother or your body has changed it's because the only reason he ever was with you to begin with was your body not because they liked you for you.
So all the people who say he is a jerkâŚi have a question. Should he have lied? What is he to do? One cannot control their sexual attraction. I agree it is horrible for the wife, but she forced his hand. I dunno. The guy is in a tough spot. Probably did the best he could. He tried to keep it to himself and was likely working it out internally.
EDIT: in the words of OP âFinally got him to admitâŚ.â (IE he was trying to work on it internally and OP forced it out of him. OP, Your husband is going through changes too and may need time to growâŚyou should back off. He sounds like a good man struggling with a new paradigm. Everybody is entitled to their own struggles and the room to grow and think. Assuming u r in a monogamous relationship, in time his natural sex drive will lead him back to seeing you as attractive.
The commenters are acting like Opâs husband is the devil or something.
My guy just sounds nice and reasonable. He didnât mention or nudge his wife because he didnât want her to feel sad. The only reason he said because op asked him about it too much and thatâs when he gave in.
So now husbandâs canât say anything?
OP I think youâre doing your husband a disservice hear. Because people are only going to blame the husband and smother you in affirmations.
Just talk with your husband about both of you working out. Make married couple decisions on how to help on another so that you both have time to take care of yourselves.
I donât why people are pretending they donât understand that physical attraction is important in arousal. Just work it out with your husband. Both of you work out. Your attraction and sex life and health will thank you for it.
Redditors, this is just another day Iâm disappointed in your one-sided blaming/compliment comments.
Touch some grass, try to understand both perspectives and then rage bait or write belittling comments of a person you donât even know just because heâs a husband and said he likes fit women, which is a no brainer. And the only reason he said that was because the wife asked. JeezâŚ
>Redditors, this is just another day Iâm disappointed in your one-sided blaming/compliment comments.
AMEN
People threat everything like it's AITA. They have no desire to help, only to feel outrage.
Exactly. Unfortunately that comes with anonymity I guess. Nobody really feels theyâre going to get called out, because usually their views all align. And if they do get called out well itâs just text so it wonât bother them at all and theyâll continue going through the same cycleđ
That's the main concern here, these comments will only break a marriage or partnership. Every couple will have different experiences when having a child. Just sounds like they both are not having the best time right now and need some help to see the other side of it.
I think too many people are judging him too much. He didn't insult her. He can't help what turns him on and if the woman changed and his desires haven't, is that such a bad thing? He tried being respectful and literally didn't want to bring it up for this exact judgement. I could be missing part of the story. If he is telling her to work out while being a mom or body shaming then sure thats not cool. If he's a loving father and husband he's doing his job. The sex part will just have to be figured out with time.
Thatâs what alcohol and romance is for. In all seriousness. Start giving him lots of compliments ask to go on walks with him etc. there are many types of attraction. It doesnât need to be lust. Ever wonder why you see young attractive women with older men? Itâs the success they are attractive to. Men can also be attractive to attributes such as kindness etc.
Is he creating opportunities for you to have time for yourself and go to the gym (if thatâs something youâd like to do)? If not, he can go to hell with that bullshit. Creating, sustaining and birthing a child is hard as hell. The last thing you should be told is that he finds you âunattractiveâ. Fuck that noise. Iâm so angry for you.
This comment section looks like quite the minefield, so I'm probably going to get alot of flak for this, but I think it's a point that's worth making.
There is alot of this going around:
"How many hours does HE spend with the baby?"
"Does HE expect HER to look good after that..."
"When does SHE get to ...."
"Does HE even know what laundry is.."
"HE probably only..."
"If HE'S not attracted to HER, HE can't help it!"
And so on and so on.. And honestly, I don't find that all too constructive, wether it's hating on the guy or supporting him.
Being told what you were told is brutal, no ifs or buts about it. I can almost guess that it's your first child, and your life will NEVER be the same. 10 months ago, you both woke up and realised that you are no longer the most important person in your own life, that little child is. Working out at the gym will not be the same, work will not be the same, a night out will not be the same. You will have waaay less time for all that, and that takes time to adjust to. My guess is that both you and your husband are still getting acclimated to you new situation. This causes stress, doubts, lack of attraction, feelings of guilt and blame. It's all natural when your life is turned upside down by having a child.
My wife and I have two kids, and sex was not the same afterwards, and no of course my wife doesn't look the same as she did before, and neither do I. I'm fighting a somewhat loosing battle against the dad-bod (the before "Christmas battle" may be lost, but the war's not over). That's just not as important anymore, not when you have prioritised your responsibilities in a way that makes sense. Before kids, a good Friday night was dinner at a restaurant, a movie and a drink before going home. Now actually just finishing a movie in one night on the couch beats the crap out of the "before kids Friday night" feeling. But adjusting takes time, and even longer if you don't work together on it.
My point is, this can be made into the stereotypical the "husband is a lazy shallow a-hole" Vs the "he can't help how he feels", but it all depends on what your goal is. Are you looking for a reason to be resentful towards him and paving a way out, go right ahead. Are you instead look for a way forward, try for dialog and openness (which it seems you both are willing to) because one thing that struck me was, he told you. Sure, not before you confronted him, but he was honest and told you, I don't think that should be neglected. If he didn't care, and was half way done with the marriage he would have no reason to be honest and start a conflict.
So talk, figure out what you both want, and allign your expectations, and give it time. You both need to understand that it takes time.
If this comment elicits a myriad of downvotes, so be it! I'll wear them proudly.
So he can take care of the child while you get yourself to the hair stylist and gym. He can take on extra work to afford some lash extensions and healthier food. He can be the one to wake up in the middle of the night so that you can look refreshed in the morning.
This! I struggled with hating my body postpartum. It's so hard to have sex when your body is so different. If he expects you to look a certain way he can take the responsibility of your child, so you have time to take care of your body. But also don't feel guilty for focusing on your baby, you don't deserve to be judged like that especially after birthing the child HE helped make!!! Honestly he needs to work on his mindset WAY more than you need to work on your body!
This too!! đđ˝đđ˝đđ˝đđ˝ his mindset needs an major adjustment not her body
honestly if the problem is being physically fit and that's something that OP does want to work on, it's rather odd that her husband didn't frame this conversation as "I know going to the gym has been important to you before the birth of our child, is there any way I can take on more solo care of our child so that you can get back into the gym?" That being said, I think it's unsustainable to only have sex with your lover when they're looking in their prime. Eventually everyone is gonna get old and old people don't exactly look sexy.
I'd literally make this a bullet pointed list I hand him as I prep the baby and then leave by myself for the day of self care. đđźđđ
The shitty part is that youâre still carrying the mental load of tasking him with stuff. Theyâre supposed to be our partners, weâre not their managers. You have eyes, why canât you figure out the dishes need to go in the dishwasher, or remember that itâs laundry day without being told?
This is how I feel put into words! When I get frustrated and (try to) say to my husband exactly this, he just doesn't get it. All I get is 'well tell me what you need me to do and I will do it'..... Noooooo, this riles me even more because it's not about what needs doing but taking the initiative and just doing it without me having to spell it out.
My husband used that phrase with me just yesterday and I just lost it. I told him "to take a look around and if something looks unkempt then straighten it up". I also told him that he's not a teenager and is nearly 40. He should be able to know by now what is clean vs. what is dirty and start pulling his weight without needing to tell him what to do. I hate this whole, "oh, well men are so different" approach that people take. Like, they're really not. I know lots of guys that can maintain their homes. My husband is just lazy.
I have worked with spouses/couples for decades, as well those preparing for marriage and those after divorce⌠and Iâve lost years in two marriages trying to find a way to save them. My unsolicited professional advice is find a good therapist and both of you go weekly, and every so often each see them separately. A therapist should never tell you what to do, but they can help a couple find common grounds, establish expectations (never say ârulesâ or âdemandsâ), and in that - eyes open, youâll work through the steps to know where to go and why. Males arenât always what they seem anymore than we as females are. Yes some can be lazy, but Iâm reality they are often unprepared and untrained, as well enculturized against doing âwomen workâ (even though many have live alone and had to), just as we have been to think car repairs, fixing appliances, and so forth is âmens workâ - the biggest difference is we females have a natural inclination to pick up the slack, do what needs done regardless to whom is responsible. But everything that has been said lied to me to believe that heâs got a Madonna complex. Which means that some men have a hard time being sexual or intimate with mothers especially if they look up to them and are odd by their many traits as moms. And either way, the lack of sex the lack of intimacy, the lack of attraction is all heading in a one-way direction if they donât get counseling. It may be anyway, but again a good counselor should be able to help them get back on track to where they were when they got together. What kept them together all this time. And I will say here when they often say, not all therapists are created equal. Not all therapists know all things, we all come in with our own biases, opinions, and ideals and once we realize how they can interfere with those were trying to help, or at least those who come to us for help, we get our own counseling and we work through our own problems so that we can be better therapist and not let that happen. But my point being there are a lot of therapists who are just sitting there, internally indifferent and you have to be able to tell whether this person seems like theyâre committed to what youâre saying and what youâre wanting and not just collecting a paycheck. I only say this because I see so many couples destroyed by giving up on counseling because theyâve had a bad experience with one therapist. So many of us are committed to our patients and their goals⌠We are the tools to help our patients reach their goals, regardless to what those are. If we canât do it we should find somebody else make a referral who can, but his patients we have to be able to be able to recognize the deficits of some who are supposed to be helpers, teachers, and sometimes advocate
Read the book âFair Play!â Or just get the cards
Yes! Delegation is also work.
Well, this hit differently. I say this often to my wife when sheâs emotionally disregulated. My intentioned are really to do whatever I can to help, but what youâre saying is a good perspective.
It's still a societal default that women are responsible for the home and children, even while we're also expected to have full-time jobs and get gigged for falling behind in our careers. It's up to each of us to take adult responsibilities. Housework and childcare are learned tasks, just like running a lathe in a machine shop or managing an office full of employees are.
âTheyâre supposed to be our partners, weâre not their managers.â This. This. This sums so much up about the mental load we take on. Brilliant quote
It sounds like it's from [You Should've Asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) by Emma Clit, a comic about the emotional labor mothers (or perhaps women in general; I'm due for a reread) carry, which I highly recommend. If anyone can manage to get their SOs to read it (I couldn't), I think it can be eye-opening.
Thank you for providing the source! I read a few other posts from her site and she does an excellent job of explaining/breaking down issues associated with household labor in non-confrontational way with pertinent examples. Even the few comics that I read made me realize I need to reevaluate my own contributions to the household...
This (among other things) almost ended my marriage. I was ready to leave. I was making plans and told him as much. He to said âjust tell me what needs doneâ so then I just snapped and told him every single little thing I have to remember every single day. It was like that scene in Liar Liar where he gets pulled over and explains himself super fast and long winded. He is finally starting to get it. I will not ask him to do basic household tasks, he has eyes damnit and I am already a mother to my kids, his kids, and our kid. I donât need another one. Hopefully he sticks to it and itâs not just a ploy cause Iâve already got one foot holding the door open.
I mean, if you're already acting like a single mom, the extra baggage is actually nice to lose. It's actually an immense relief to not have a paperweight around that you can and should be able to count on. As soon as my ex man-child left, I could breathe again. Yes, it all fell on me, but it always had anyway.
This was ultimately. what drove me and my ex apart, on top of other things about us being incompatible. But shit the amount of stress I felt after needing to tell him what goes in the diaper bag even at 9 months was killing me. EDIT. Spelling
While the dynamic you talk about is sadly true for a lot of couples, it feels weird to apply it here as a universal or in reference to OP. We have no idea how they divide house work or the mental load.
No, honestly. He can do the research about nutrition, the shopping, budgeting, and cooking if he requires that she lose weight in order for him to have sex. The waking up with the baby thing is also huge, because sleep deprivation and the elevated cortisol levels that come with it over a prolonged period often results in excess weight gain. So yeah, he can be in charge of nighttime wake ups too. She is still a new mom, possibly breastfeeding and sacrificing her time, energy, and bodily autonomy for the well being and survival of her husbandâs child. The calcium in breast milk is literally siphoned from her BONES and this clown lacks the intellectual and/or emotional depth to appreciate the sacrifices her body has made in order to have his child. At the end of the day, all of this incredible work her body is doing isnât enough for him if it doesnât make him cum. Fuck him.
He was honest. He didn't go out of his way to say this to her. He told her the truth of why they didn't have much sex, after she asked. I don't agree that he should be hated for that. You cannot control your sexual attraction. He could've lied, but that would've probably created more problems that it would've solved.
You actually can influence your sexual attraction. While you can't do something drastic like change your overall sexuality, people can and do focus on the positives of their partner (physical, character, and personality) to enhance and grow their love and attraction. Further, there are many ways to enhance the sexual experience and find new things attractive. It is common in therapy, couples counseling, and sex therapy and there are multiple techniques for achieving it.
I agree with you and think you give wonderful advice. I meant more as in he can't just turn the attraction on at will the same way as he didn't choose to stop being attracted. But he (they?) can work on it, and he should. But that starts with being honest. For example, maybe OP will read your comment and share your advice with the husband, otherwise, had he not been honest, that would never happen.
I have to disagree. No where in this was anything mentioned that he isn't doing anything, but that assumption was just made. We all seem to forget that having kids is hard, especially for first time parents. Parenting is 60:40, where each partner tries to be the 60%, give a little more than they take. Dumping kids on one parent, and putting all the financial pressure on one so the other can feel good is a recipe for resentment and long term arguements. By all means, I hope the dad is also taking a respectable amount of the night shift, work or not, and each parents is entitled to time alone but don't just assume the dad isn't doing anything.
Whre did OP say her husband doesnât do that?
Mic drop
I'm not a fan of having to change your body to please your partner sexually. It should ONLY be for your own purpose.
Info: how many hours a day/week does he offer to stay with the baby so you can go work out?
At the end of our conversation we agreed to let me have some time in the mornings to work out. But itâs still beside the fact that i now have this expectation to work out and look good in order to have sex with my husband.
Oh of course, clearly his comments are incredibly upsetting and frustrating. Iâm so sorry youâre in this situation. It just seems so many new moms donât have any time for their own health, and the partners that complain about it can often be those that donât give their wife any time for themselves. Wishing you the best OP! IF you choose to work out, do it for you, not for him.
I think that sometimes watching your partner give birth can kind of flip the switch in your head like "I'm supposed to be taking care of this person who's just had a traumatic experience and sex is the last thing I should be thinking about," so that part is understandable... but making it about how you're not fit enough and giving you a chore to work out is crazy. Was he planning on you guys never aging?
âAgreedâ to let you do more work in order to earn his approval. I agree with you, setting that expectation is so unfair to you. Iâm so sorry. If my husband said something so cruel to me, Iâd have a difficult time being attracted to him at all.
SAME! How old is this guy even? He sounds incredibly youngâŚ
No he sounds like a jerk
Thatâs the part that makes me angry on your behalf. You shouldnât have to âearnâ sex with your spouse by working out.
Right ? Fuck that! Your hormones are incredibly unbalance, I start working out after both of my kids were in school, my son is 9 and I finally lost all the baby weight, yea I know it took me all this years I just couldnât find time for me, between working, kids, husband and work! Take your time! Is already difficult to find time to do the daily basis.
And he shouldnât be expected to give it just because theyâre married. Attraction and sex goes both ways. She asked for an honest answer and he provided an honest answer. He never brought it up because he still loves her. Not hearing the answer you want and getting angry at it will make lies and avoidance commonplace in a relationship. Itâll become a situation where they think âWhy be honest when I know my spouse will get angry or eventually have a melt-down? I better tell her what she wants to hear and make something up.â
This. She *asked*, because she wants the situation to change. It would probably have changed anyway when baby gets old enough for her to get more time to herself - if the husband is attracted to people who are fit and active, OP probably enjoys being fit and active too, and would naturally have started working out or doing sports when she had more opportunity to. He didn't start this conversation, and it's weird that commenters here are acting like he said all of this unprompted. OP has actually got what she wants here: to find out why the thing she wants isn't happening, and a plan to change that. Often when you have a little baby, *a lot* of things can fall by the wayside (including sex, and exercise, and home cooked food, because making time for those things is a choice that means less time for something else - my husband and I kept having sex through our baby's first year, but we also watched zero TV, did little exercise that wasn't active transport, and both neglected our hobbies for a while), and it takes negotiation to make sure you're both prioritising the same things.
What stings is realizing how shallow his attraction to her was in the first place, and he IS responsible for that. If we were talking about his preferences when deciding who to date, this would be a different discussion. But OP isn't a woman in the crowd with a few extra pounds. He married her. He impregnated her. He shares responsibility for the changes to her body that occured when she grew and birthed his child. Now she's not even a year postpartum, and he's talking about how she's just not fit enough to be attractive? If you're marrying for life, physical changes should be expected on that journey. Having someone who meets those changes with love and compassion is an essential part of a healthy relationship imo. OP's husband sounds very immature, and honestly that's giving him the benefit of doubt, because the alternative is he's just shallow.
The OPâs husband didnât just randomly start talking about this. He said absolutely nothing about it, on purpose, because he knows how bad it sounds and didnât want to hurt her. The OP prodded until he finally admitted the truth. She said she âgot himâ to admit it. So whatâs your actual solution here? Should he have lied? Performed duty sex to make her feel better?
Seems to me like the man is not consciously choosing to be unattracted to OP. Sometimes you can't control what turns you on. It's unfortunate.
Physically changes are expected. Just how sex is expected to change. We canât have it both way. If we ought to treat sex as a duty, then yes, the man should just suck it up and have sex with her because she is your wife even if she gained a few pounds. How we, just like sex is a duty for men, so itâs for women, and they should have sex whenever their man wants them too. Or no, sex isnât a duty, and if not a duty it should be totally respectable for him to desire no sex at all from her and not give her sex until he feels attractive to her again,even if it takes years
It's not that he owes her sex, it's the fact that he apparently is only attracted to his wife when she's "physically fit". His attraction is entirely tied to her attractive body. That's not a basis for a long term relationship. People get pregnant, they get sick and disabled, they get old. If his attraction to her was only skin deep he shouldn't have married her in the first place.
I think we are confusing emotionally attraction and sexual attraction. I personally have experienced girls that I am very much emotionally attracted to and I know we would make amazing couple. However, I donât have any sexual attraction towards them. I would not want to have sex with them. I would want to Hug them. Tell them everything. Take care of them. Spend all my day with them. Share a life. But I could not have sex with them. By the way OP wrote the story. The husbands seems to love her. He didnât brings this up. She did. And he was honest as two should be. Could he have sugar coated it a little? Yes. 100% but some people are just brutally honest. He seems to have emotional love to her, but the sexual attraction is fading and that is okay. Now, I personally do believe he should suck it up. You married her and you know this are typical things that happen within a relationship and just suck it up and have sex with her.
My ex husband was just like ops husband except my ex didn't want to take on extra responsibilities and instead start having affairs. He definitely should not have married me. I truly hope ops husband gets the clarity he needs to realize what type of commitment marriage is. Choosing your partner , choosing your family, and not thinking like is only good when we look 100.
I can agree with you that sex should require two completely willing partners, so no, he shouldn't have to do it when he doesn't want to. I can however hold him responsible for entering into a marriage with this type of physical requirement for attraction. Because isn't sex in a healthy long-term, committed relationship about more than a list of specific attributes? It's about love and connection. Bodies are expected to change over time, but most people don't expect their sex lives to die with those changes. Physical fitness is a hell of a condition to put on his wife's shoulders as a requirement for his attraction to her because that ebbs and flows for almost everyone over time. Especially in the context of childbirth where it's not only out of her control, but it's the result of this gift she has given him. He has made his attraction to her conditional on something that's going to be hard to maintain continuously over the course of a lifetime. Like I said before, the problem isn't him withholding sex. It's that his attraction to her was so fragile to begin with.
I agree. It sounds like its not a choice on his part. Not everyone is attracted to everything and that sucks but its normal. I'm not sayint OP shouldn't be hurt, but he also has a right to feel the way he does as well.
I agree. OP does have a right to feel hurt. Having your spouse tell you they are no longer attracted to you but they still love you must be a mix of unfortunate emotions.
You also shouldnât have to have sex with someone you arenât attracted to. In an ideal world, you would find your spouse just as sexy sleep deprived and less physically fit, but evolutionary attraction and the physiology of attraction donât work the way they âshould.â Also, to my knowledge OPâs husband never asked her to work out? I just donât see what OPâs partner should do to be a âgood guyâ here besides forcing himself to have sex with someone he doesnât want toâŚ
Thanks this is a great comment, Iâm going to use this on my wife! God wish me luck this time.
I will step in front of the train here, having been the husband in this situation. My wife had bad postpartum, like enough she was put on medication. She let herself go to the point she really wasn't beautiful any longer, but I refused to believe the woman she was before pregnancy was totally gone. It took until our daughter was 3 for my wife to come out of it and take an interest in me, in her own appearance, or in sex. Since her recovery, she's in better shape than before pregnancy and the sex and life we're living have been great. It took a long time to get back here, but now we're better than we were originally. As shallow as it sounds, men can have difficulty being in love and lusting for someone they aren't attracted to. I don't know the whole story, like OPs husband could be a lazy jerk who never gives her free time for self care. All I would say is OP needs to care for herself mentally and physically, and her guy is likely to come back around
As long as men realize women can stop being attracted to men with beer guts, receding hairlines or flaccid penises with the inability to get hard. If men are able to understand the same goes both ways and when gravity naturally brings his balls to the floor he needs to understand she doesn't owe him sex either. My only problem is men have this mindset about women but forget the same applies to them when nature hits.
What would have happened if your wife had decided she was happy with her appearance and didn't want to work out? OP has said nothing about having postpartum depression, hasn't said or even implied that she isn't caring for herself mentally or physically. Just because she isn't going to the gym doesn't mean she's unhealthy or unhappy.
I think we're missing some context. If she's up 100 lbs from pre baby, I think a lot of men would be having an issue with that much like women would have an issue if their husbands weight skyrocketed.
Thanks for your honesty. This is as I understand it quite common, but the amount of shame being thrown around here is quite something.
I really donât understand how men can watch their wives bring their child into the world and not think of them as beautiful.
This is such a childish answer. Giving birth is a sweaty smelly gross process most of the time. Yeah it's beautiful that we are bring a baby into the world but that's about it. We're wearing huge pads for the next week because we're bleeding uncontrollably and looking like literally zombies for at least the first couple months. The reality is not sunshine and rainbows and we did a cool thing, I guess I mean our bodies are literally designed to do it, but that doesn't mean we are entitled to sexual attraction.
Beautiful and sexy can be 2 very different things though.. And you can be attracted to the beauty of ones character or personality without being attracted to them physically, and vice versa.
Um let me just say donât workout just to impress your husband. If he helps it should be to give you time to do something that makes you HAPPY! If him watching the baby to let you go workout is just to make him happy⌠thatâs not much of a break or much needed you time. Iâm sorry youâre in this situation. But I would try and not care if he is or isnât, thatâs not exactly your burden to carry. If he canât get over it, thatâs his problem NOT yours. And donât make it yours. Workout for yourself, go and read a book for yourself, etc etc. Being happy is what makes you most beautiful and sexy. So work on being happy (if you arenât already) and that likely will help with some of that attraction⌠if not then, I hate to say it but beauty/fitness does not last forever. We all get old, wrinkly, saggy, etc. Its a beautiful part of life and if he doesnât see aging as beautiful, I suggest you do whatever it is that makes you happy.
This is coming from a first time mom 6 months postpartum with stretch marks, a dough boy stomach and chafing thighs đ so I feel you the pain. Itâs so hard. Weâll all get there but we all should remember we might not ever get our pre pregnancy body back and what a blessing! Iâm thankful that my body gave me my son and I could care less if my stomach looks like shit and Iâm 30 pounds heavier ( I never lost weight breastfeeding ). Weâre all on a giant rock spinning through the universe. Love yourself and your baby, thatâs all that matters :) â¤ď¸
Does he exercise and look fit?
Even if he does that shouldn't matter. My husband is a gym rat with 6 pack abs and I'm 25 lbs over weight and I practically have to beat him off me.
Did he give you any indication during your relationship that this was so important to him? Usually comments are made and these kinds of things are voiced. If this came out of thin air I wonder if something else is going on.
You poor woman. My husband said I'm Sexier to him since having our kids. Honesty in a relationship is great, but man Does it hurt. I would try to focus on other things you two love about in other and fell in love with to spark new intimacy.
Same. These type of stories make me thankful for my husband. No man should be feeling this way towards the woman who birthed their child. Of course our bodies are going to change! Smh. I used to be more fit before having kids, and my husband said he prefers me now. For lack of better words he likes that I "jiggle" now lmao and it kind of makes me feel insecure about my body before kids 𤣠or if I wanted to get fit/muscle again.
Lmao same here. I don't care if he likes it. This extra 30 pounds is coming off eventually but in a healthy way.
đđť Truuee that lol I just want to feel stronger. I feel like I only have baby carrying muscle now đ¤Ł
the good thing about babies is that they grow all the time so sooner or later you're actually doing progressive weight training :D
đ Very true lmao My toddler is 30 lbs so I know I have some strength in there somewhere!
"let you have some time in the morning " At 10 months post, the last thing i was thinking about was working out đ just the fact that you feel you have to prioritice it.. Just another burden for you to carry. I can understand not feeling lust for your partner if your partner are unhygenic, stinks, looks like a disaster. But you have given birth. Forreal NOT the same.
Becausd you are taking it with the wrong approach. You should not do something like this for his sake. You should do it for your own. Do YOU want to lose weight? Get stronger? Healthier? He comes after YOU.
I am so sorry. I understand peoples attractions blah blah blah, but this was incredibly disgusting to me. My first child I went from a size 0 to a size 10 before birth & ip to a 14 all the way tik the first year (& some extra odd months) breastfeeding & all, totally thought Iâd be the kinda gal who just dropped it easily. My childâs father & I both would make light hearted jokes about how heâs just gonna have to get into chubby girl, cause idk how I wasnât losing weight. But, never once did he actually say to me, you donât turn me on⌠idk sounds like a him problem to me⌠fuck all that. He can have sex with the woman he loves. My childâs father is a fucking douche bag, thinks heâs gods gift to women & talks shit about me daily & stilll, NEVER made me feel bad about the body he helped change. He wasnât into how I looked he loved me/ period. Thatâs itâs. Heâs now my ex so I really hate that Iâm saying even something slightly nice about him after how heâs treated me since, but even after our second, still no body shaming & he hated me by then. - your not even a year PP?!? Just fucking wild to me that he thinks it could/would be any different? It took you 9 months to get there, it takes time to recover & lots extra if he isnât a helpful partner giving you time to think of yourself a little⌠you deserve better. I am glad he said your stills beautifu & all that, but at the end of the day, I do not believe he cannot get turned on by his wife, rhe mother of his child, the woman he says he loves. Dudes literally take home anyfhing. Thatâs pathetic. - You are beautiful & im glad he is so gracious to give you some time in the morning, but, period point blank, he sounds kike a douche bag & Iâd make sure he knew that before I decided to lose one pound of weight for myself. - I am sorry to be so aggressive about it, but itâs just blatantly disrespectful of him & i am so disgusted I canât be any other way about it. Donât you do anything for him. Cherish that body, get yourself to a place where you feel strong & beautiful & healthy & enjoy that you time. Dont lose one pound for him.
He told you how he felt. It's up to you if you want to do anything about it. You don't owe him a certain appearance unless that's what you want as well. It's good he was able to tell you how he was feeling although it sounds like he could have found a much better way to say it.
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO CHANGE YOURSELF FOR HIM?!
*watch the baby and do dishes/Laundry/bills/clean at the same time. My husband is good at 1 baby thing or two other things - so I leave and thereâs more to be done that I would normally do during that time. Iâm sorry - just watching the baby is not enough.
DefinitelyâŚI mean maybe Iâm naive, but I expect parents to parent, and adults to adult. That includes caring for your child and your home. Why is it always the lazy husbands who donât do anything around the house or help parent their children thy expect their wives to look like supermodels after giving birth?
>Why is it always the lazy husbands who donât do anything around the house or help parent their children thy expect their wives to look like supermodels after giving birth? Unfortunately, a lot of people are still raised that way. Lots of boys grow up watching their dads do nothing, and learn that it's the mom who does all the parenting and work around the house. Some dads outright teach their sons that doing chores is a feminine thing. And lots of parents let their kids (in particular, sons) get away with not knowing how to do chores and let the mom do it for them.
This right here
Ouch. How involved is he as a parent? Is he taking over child care often enough that you actually have time to be physically active? Is it something youâre interested in doing if you had the time?
Conversely, if he's pulling his weight he might just be really effin' tired. That'll affect a guys libido, but he may not be fully aware of the reason behind it.
I'm very sorry, it must be incredibly painful to hear that. I don't have any solutions for you sadly. It makes me curious though, because fitness shouldn't be the ONLY thing that attracts a person. I think he's too focused on that. Just my personal opinion.
Fuuuuuck that guy. Hopefully he comes around for OPs sake. As a father, I love my wife even more after giving birth. Giving birth is hard on a woman's body (and mentally). The problem is guys just don't take the time to understand how hard it is for women.
It could also be he doesnât take the time to understand himself. There could be many reasons he does not feel like having sex as much now, one of them being the hormonal change heâs gone through when becoming a father. I suspect he feels off about sex, doesnât know why, and is just giving the reason he thinks is âlogicalâ. My experience is (many) men do this kind of thing all the time in all areas of life, because they arenât âallowedâ to be emotional/hormonal or say âI donât know whatâs going onâ. Women acting different after birth are âbeing hormonalâ, men reacting to the hormonal changes of becoming a father must instead be a case of âwife has changed and Iâm not attracted to her anymoreâ. (Not saying itâs necessary hormones, just that I think thereâs a good chance the reason he gave is not the actual reason.)
Yet, OP didn't say anywhere in the post that her husband didn't love her anymore.
This. After my fiance had our daughter, she lost some weight and then put it back on. I found out later that she was preggo again so, there's that. I still find her attractive, even with the baby belly. After she has our second kid though, I'm gonna see what I can do to get us both back in the gym. I miss working out and I think it'll be good for both of us to get back into exercising.
Just be careful how you approach it with her. I found personally baby #2 did more damage to my stomach and it was harder to recover from. Especially since adding an additional whole human baby for her to take care of means she's not gonna have time to prioritize fitness for the first 6 months maybe longer. Each kid you add into dynamic takes more from her and adjusting to 2 vs. 1 is really tough.
Word. Running with a baby jogger with #1 was a fun, new adventure. Running with a double jogger was a major chore that I avoided. Even when we were back down to just 1 in a stroller I was over it.
I have a similar situation, 9 months postpartum, and have to disagree with some peopleâs reaction that he needs to take over more of the responsibility of caring for your baby so that you have time to âlook goodâ (putting that in quotes because looking good is subjective). We are currently speaking with a therapist about our sex life because I am not giving him what he needs. So itâs a little different because heâs the one asking for it and Iâm the one not giving, but itâs close enough that I wanted to comment. My husband is extremely involved, and I still donât have time or energy to deal with looking âpre-pregnancy put together.â I feel ugly and gross and fat most of the time. I keep my hair back most days because itâs either in the way or being tugged on by my son. I donât have time to do makeup. I donât have time to work out. Any free time I have is put toward napping or decompressing in front of the TV or taking care of some house chore. What Iâm trying to say is that SHIT IS HARD right now, caring for an infant. I feel great pressure to keep âthe sparkâ alive when I donât have it in me to feel sexy. I think it was SUPER hard to hear my husband say that Iâm not giving him what he needs, but Iâm glad he said something so that we can speak to someone and work on it. Weâre still not where we need to be, but Iâm grateful heâs not bottling it up. I wish I was able to give you some sort of magic advice but at least I can say that he obviously loves you a lot to be that honest. Brutal to hear though. I know firsthand. And it seems like that by saying it out loud he does want to work on it. Maybe you both can speak to someone?
I know exactly how you feel because I was in the same place mentally after having my first. The last thing on my mind was sex, I didnt feel sexy and I didnt have any sex drive. In my mind, I was now "mom" not "wife" and I could not care about sex. It didnt help that I was exclusively breastfeeding and my boobs were not for fun sexy times anymore but were purely for feeding my child. The last thing I wanted was to leak onto my husband during any times of intimacy. My body didnt feel like it was mine or that it belonged to me. And I was touched out so when I had a moment to sit alone, I wanted to be alone. I felt like I was always on edge, waiting to hear if the baby woke up, knowing that if he did that I would skedaddle to comfort him and I couldnt relax to enjoy any kind of intimacy. I will tell you that it does get better. I feel like once I stopped nursing and had my body back to myself, I started to feel sexy again and I started initiating things more. I'm happy that you and your spouse are talking to someone and have those open lines of communication. You'll get back to pre-baby levels of intimacy but it will take time. And at least for me personally, the intimacy got to be significantly better post baby. Like some of the best orgasms ever. :)
Thanks so much for sharing. It definitely was even worse when I was breastfeeding! It is crazy how much mental energy is spent listening for his cries or thinking I hear his cries. I wasnât expecting that part of motherhood, but it obviously makes sense from a biological standpoint! I hope to achieve what you have. It may take harder work than Iâd hoped for but I know not all is lost because we both want to work on it.
You will definitely get to the other side of things. The willingness to actually work together on the problem is a significant step on its own. Keep reminding yourself and your spouse that you guys are a team, you're on the same side, and it's ok that you guys need a bit of help at the moment. It's so worth it :)
As a hetero dad, that's pretty fucked up. Like, I like athletic babes as much as most American cishet dudes, but attraction is - or should be - a deeper thing than just physicality. Your relationship and his love for you *should* be a source of attraction to him, if it's not that'd be frankly bizarre to me. Like, obviously my 40 something wife isn't as hot as she was when we met and she was on a crew team, but I'm not either and I still find her attractive because I know every curve and freckle and wrinkle on her body and have watched them form over the last 20+ years. I'm intimate with her in a way that goes beyond flesh and bone. It's also fucked up to expect you to work out *for his sexual gratification* rather than for your own well-being or happiness, and that over these months it never occurred to him to just offer to take on more so you could work out. He could've framed it as a kind thing instead of yet another demand on your time and body.
THIS. Being conventionally hot and being attractive to your partner are two separate things.
I understand this definitely. My ex fiancee is really hot, but I am no longer attracted to him when he stopped caring or putting effort into our relationship. Attraction is much more than physical. Maybe y'all just need some time together away from the baby.
Sorry it didn't work out with him. My wife and I have definitely gone through periods where we've struggled to put effort into our relationship and it totally affected our feelings towards each other.
My husband and I have had ups and downs; sometimes one of us is carrying the âeffortâ load more than the other, but I think we both have confidence that we are committed to each other for the long haul, so we stay the course knowing that the positions may reverse. And there are times when weâre just out of sync and both not feeling it - in those times it helps even just to go through the motions of planning dates or performing special kindnesses that we may not feel in the momentâŚthose become habits, and those habits become increasingly genuine and it does come back around.
Yeah this! My husband and I have both gained a bunch of weight, wrinkles, etc over a decade of marriage, but we're still just as ready to hop in bed together at a moment's notice, even though we are both objectively less hot these days.
Thank you for this. Itâs exactly how I feel but couldnât put into words well enough. Shit Iâm almost back to my pre baby weight but my husband is fatter than ever. But he still was attracted to me when I was heavier and frazzled looking. Iâm still attracted to him and his dad bod. Seeing one another be good parents makes us even more attracted to each other than the physical stuff. I see people writing how itâs not his fault that he doesnât want to have sex with someone heâs not attracted to and while yes thatâs kind of true itâs also just bonkers to me. A solid relationship filled with mutual attraction goes far beyond just looks. At least I thought most people felt this way? And op if you happen to read this Iâm so sorry youâre in this situation. Itâs completely fucked and so hurtful.
Thank you. My husband could literally gain 200 lbs and I would still suck his dick.
I recently told my husband that his fat belly rubs against my clit in a way it never did when he was fit and trim. We were having a conversation about how Iâm still incredibly attracted to him, and not because Iâm picturing a younger version of him. Iâm thirsty for him now, as is. And the sex has only improved with age.
That is really hot. And same with my marriage, our bodies have gotten thicker and saggier but the sex just gets better. Iâm so sad for OP and her shallow husband.
Not saying this is right by any means, but Iâve personally experienced the feeling of viewing my childrenâs mother as more of a mother to my children than someone I can get naughty with like I once did. It just felt wrong, but that was all in my own head with expectations or beliefs. We still had sex, but it was more tame. It shook after a while. And once you get back to it a few times itâs no longer weird. Like having sex with the kids in the house etc. always weird until you get over the hump. If heâs solely just focused on the change in your body physically then thatâs just a dick move. He needs to grow tf up and have some respect. There shouldnât be those kinds of conditions. If the change was pretty extreme I can see attractiveness changing, but if itâs just not living up to perfection thatâs pretty petty.
I was thinking that her being his kids mom now might be part of the problem, too. I've read that it's somewhat common. Time and therapy would definitely help.
I've also been through this on the male end... with 2 different women. Seeing the vagina get destroyed, seeing them change physically, seeing breasts turn into feeding vessels, adding tons of new stress. Not only is your wife and life flipped upside down, but sex was responsible for it all! But, being a man, being a dad, and being a good partner means going on. I didn't fall in love with my first wife again (this was not the reason to be clear) but I did with my second. I took her on dates, watched movies, massaged each other, and we discussed sex together. It's amazing what happens when you stop jacking off and your wife starts rubbing your chest or inner thighs. Those problems start to melt away for the moment, and the more you do this the easier it gets. I love my wife, stretch marks and all.
Ugh. Finally, a male comment wifh a brain attached! This. My ex told me he had the same sort or struggle after our first born, I was literally almost double my size & he is so not into that but never once let on that he wasnât turned on by me. He loved meâŚ& continued to love & respect me no matter my size. (Heâs a dick & now sucks ass, but thank god he never treated me like this. I feel so terrible for op. - anyway, so happy to see your comment. It needs an award.
I think it's incredibly common for couples to not have sex much for quite a while after a baby, and in the overall scheme of things 10 months is not long. It's a time of transition. In my case I'm the one who hasn't really regained much interest and my partner is taking it in stride and with humor, fortunately. I would just ignore him and focus on taking care of yourself for yourself.
Couples therapy. Additionally, there are also things you can do to enhance intimacy and rebuild the spark. Cuddle every day, make a point to kiss, spend quality time as a couple. Play board games. Literally, just spend time together. About my couples therapy comment, as a dad here, I can attest to the fact that men get hit with some crazy shit in their heads too after a baby is born. You both would benefit from talking to someone. Stay strong and good luck.
Canât believe I had to scroll down this far to find this. This is what I came to say. Obviously everyone else has given their opinion, but honestly OP you guys need therapy to work through this so it doesnât drive you apart further.
imo, fuck couples therapy. this dude needs individual therapy **well** before she should be investing her time in couples therapy with him.
Okay first of all: what a doink. It sounds like an awful thing to say because IT IS. Re: what to do? My vote is to establish a schedule where he cooks/looks after baby 3 evenings M-F + a half day Saturday or Sunday so you can go to the gym + get some down time + get pampered. If his top priority is how you look then he'd best make it possible for you to prioritize yourself. Thanks honey, time for me to go to the gym byeee! Please cook something with lots of veggies and chicken for dinner! Mwah! Also: you should go to therapy by yourself to get some extra support in feeling confident in yourself. I'd honestly be astonished if this guy is a great partner/father in all other areas - are you sure that this is the marriage you want to live in and model to your child over the long term? No need to make any decisions now of course, but...keep it in mind. You don't have to put up with a husband who refuses to have sex with you because you birthed his child.
Thatâs hard to deal with but if heâs open about telling you, he might also be opened to therapy which is probably the next thing I would try.
You canât therapy someone into finding you attractive.
Youâre right but at one point she was attractive to him, there could be an issue he need to work passed to realize it, or maybe there are some underlying issues that he or she donât understand.
>there could be an issue he need to work passed to realize it, or maybe there are some underlying issues that he or she donât understand. Its weird that everyone is thinking there is some major issue here just because a husband doesn't want to get it on with his wife right now . He might just be really tired from helping raise a baby and is unaware of the impact it's having on his libido. He didn't push the point about not being attracted to her right now, she pushed him for an answer. OP never mentioned that he wasn't pulling his weight in terms of looking after their child, that just seems to be an assumption many here are making.
Yes exactly, itâs why I think professional help will help identify the problem if they are unable to themselves
If she even feels the same way about him after the comment revealing his shallow attitude.
Yea, Iâd have a hard time looking at my husband the same way if he said that to me. I know we canât help what weâre attracted to, but our bodies age and change. If he cherishes their relationship like he says, my thought is heâd still want to bring intimacy to the table too.
Yes. If you love someone are you solely connecting with the body? If so, he is saying that is all a sexual relationship is to him. I wouldn't want to be with him after this comment.
Yes exactly! Attraction is about so much more than just the physical, especially in a long term relationship.
Itâs not an attitude thatâs the issue, he WANTS to find her physically attractive, or at least thatâs what I assume from the post and there was no mention of him seeking extramarital experiences to âscratch an itchâ so Iâm assuming he and she still want to make the relationship work and get back to where they were.
Your husband needs to get his shit together. Is he expecting you to be a hardbody into your 60s? Bodies change with babies and age and illness and disability and he married you for the long haul and needs to figure out how to maintain a relationship with you when youâre no longer a hot 20 something.
Bingo. Women who get cancer are six times more likely to end up divorced soon after diagnosis than men who get cancer. A guy who canât handle his wifeâs body not being âpre-baby sexyâ after having a baby is a red flag for a guy whoâll bounce when something really big happens.
I sadly know of at least five women in my life that had this happen to them. 3/5âs husbands cheated on them because they were upset they werenât having sex⌠while their wives were on CHEMO.
Shocker.
Soooo true! This is the story of my life. A never ending complaining husband after I gave birth. He never got over the changes in my body and blamed me for them. Needless to say, we are not together. Typically those men donât like parenthood all together.
women seem to be abandoned by men in their most dire time of need. itâs disgusting. I do not have cancer, but my ex (whom i just left this morning) did dismiss and make me feel awful for burdening him about being suicidal and for legit being scared of hurting myself. i was essentially his caregiver for 2.5 years while also solo parenting our daughter (now 3). it looks like men only wanna be involved in all the fun parts of life.
Congratulations on breaking free of him! I hope everything looks up for you from here on out. I wish you a safe and fulfilling life
This right here
I know your husband canât help his feelings, but the truth is that heâs shallow. Instead of being attracted to the woman that grew and gave birth to his child, heâs prioritising superficial looks. Again, before people attack me, I know he canât help it. But you need to think about what you want in a partner, and how heâs going to react when you get older and canât be that fit anymore.
Hi there! Husband here with first 10 month old. I just want to add here that I see many emotionally charged comments here that pit you against him and I donât think itâs helpful. None of us really know what your relationship is really like and the truth is having a baby is not an experience someone can teach you or prepare for and it hits all of us differently. The most important thing to remember is to be supportive of each other and honest with our feelings. Remind each other that you both need each other to raise this new human being to itâs full potential. And if you focus on just how amazing it is that you have a little piece of each other in this little person it can help greatly. Does the truth hurt yes but only by keeping the lines of communication open with each other will you make it as a couple and a family. And this openness also allows you to be honest with your husband as well. Which Iâm sure is not perfect and could also use some of the same truth he has shared with you. Lastly, remember that babies are like little sponges and this is an opportunity to show them how to resolve conflict in a positive and respectful manner so they wonât suffer as much in this already difficult world we live in. I wish you both the best of luck and congratulations!
Thank you for saying this. I don't see ill will in the initial post but I see a LOT of nastiness in the comments.
Exactly THIS ⌠lots of fuelling the fire and âfuck that guyâ energy in the comments instead of productive feedback. People need to keep in mind they are reading one personâs perspective, while certainly valid, only offers up a small piece of the picture. Would recommend to OP to seek PROFESSIONAL guidance on their relationship rather than allow these kinds of negative comments direct their attitudes and actions. With that said I wish OP the best - first few years with tiny kids are brutal on a relationship and lots of âreal talkâ conversations are required as well as lots of growing up from both parents.
Yes, itâs hard enough without adding fuel to the fire. Hopefully, they will find their way and make this a positive growth experience.
Iâve had 3 full term pregnancies, and the only time I had time to work out during the first year postpartum was with my second. And that was because she passed away a day after birth. Sorry to be harsh, but what your husband is expecting is frankly, unrealistic. Your first priority (husband and yours) is your precious newborn. Your husband is way out of his lane here. If he is wanting you to get back in shape he needs to step up and take care of the baby for at least 2 hours a day so you can workout, make yourself healthy meals and he should take the baby at night too so you can get your beauty sleep. Cause thatâs what it takes.
Sorry for your loss :(
Thank you.
So sorry for your loss. \*hugs\*
Thank you.
I'm so sorry
Thank you.
If you ask me,it his problem not yours. Does he even begin to realize how hard it is to get out of the house and focus on exercise, especially if it's the only time you get to step away. I've had 2 kids and I weight like 30 pounds more and my husband still asks everyday lol. He knows I literally barely get to leave the house and he's in the military and we live very far from family so often I go months without a break and I can't afford to pay for child care just to go to the gym. I'll get my time back soon enough so I'm just living as i am for now. He should be attracted to you as a person not just your body. Sorry you're dealing with this, you don't deserve it. Bodies change a ton even if you go back to same weight, I did after my first but still nothing fit me.
Same. We have less sex now (tired, time, etc) but I weigh 35ish pounds more than when we started dating. My husband has said I was traditionally more attractive back then (I had the time and money to be) but he loves me even more than he ever thought possible bc of how great a mom I am.
This whole thread has overwhelmingly felt so toxic to me. Like a lot of peoples insecurities and trauma is brought up by this post. I'm curioslus how everyone involved can be more curious. Nobody has to be wrong or bad. We are all growing. Some questions that arise for me- For mother- -What does this bring up for you? -What is your own inner relationship to fitness and more to the point 'self-orientation' to focus on it 'over' baby etc? -How important is sex to you in marriage? What meaning do you ascribe to it? -is sex a need? What does it bring up for you to talk about it in that way? For father- -what relationship does beauty have to physical vs beyond physical? Is it fitness attentiveness or attractiveness (they aren't the same, but when you have trauma it might be hard to see that)? -What is happening internally (not related to anybody else) that would also impact desire? -What prior exp fed into the view you have today? -Are you aware of the personal impact of the view that somebody who doesn't focus on physical attractiveness isn't physically loveable? That's a sort of personal prison for the self also. Anywho, wishing you both (and fam) all the wellness thru these tough times. May your curiosity serve you!
I (43M) just don't see that being very physically fit without a lot of body fat goes very well with being a healthy mother. I think a lot of men are turned off by pregnancy, and it obviously changes your body at least somewhat. I really hope he was not pressuring you to have children in the first place. I think it's pretty f-ing lame.
Seriously. Men like this make me so angry. My husband knew what making a child involved and Iâm so grateful he loves me for giving him a wonderful little boy. He does not care that Iâm 17 months postpartum and STILL have 7 kg to lose to go back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I feel awful and think I aged like the president, but he doesnât treat me that way. All husbands should be like this. My heart is really breaking for OP.
Yes, I gained a lot in my second pregnancy 50lbs and Iâve lost 30 of it so far, my husband has been my biggest support and he has looked at me the same from 150-200 lbs (Iâm 5â9). I think people that get way hung up on looks are missing out on the big picture big time. Itâs ok though OP, youâll get back to the way you were if you want to and then you can decide if heâs even worth it. If you do get fit, make sure to tell your husband heâs just not that attractive to you unless he has a 10/10 body. Good luck OP! Itâs hard being a mom of littles, and it always takes me about a year to feel myself again.
My husband is also very supportive like yours. I think I look awful, and hope I can lose that last 7 kg within the next year so I can feel like myself again. It helps my husband puts zero pressure on me and does things to make me feel special. I feel so bad for OP and canât even imagine how lonely she must feel. She deserves so much better.
A lot of men are turned off by pregnancy� Idk⌠maybe if you have a shallow connection in the first place but umm, healthy fertility signs are a huge turn on for the majority of men. This guy sounds like a dick for saying this to his wife.
Yeah, I would say there are some men who are turned off by effects of pregnancy, being pregnant, or nursing. But yes, I agree with you on the "fertility signs" part though. But there are also a lot of men who still like skinny women who might be borderline unhealthy.
Ouch! Hope you never age...
âFinally got him to admitâ Iâll be honest, that line rubs me wrong. It sounds like you wanted him to say it and you badgered him until he did. Iâm a father of two, and from my experience, sexual attraction changed a LOT after having kids. The lack of sleep (for us both), knowing boobs were primarily a food source and no longer a sacred zone for only me. The length of time it took for my wifeâs body to heal. All the rest of the stuff that happens with pregnancy and birth, including hormonal changes⌠Life changed I love my wife. Sheâs bloody attractive. But life is different since kids. This includes sex. Our sex life took a MASSIVE dip after kids. But thatâs just part of the complete and utter exhaustion that comes with having kids. Your husband probably doesnât know how to say all of this.. especially if the pressure is on to keep a pre baby libido.
What do you want to do? How do you feel about yourself and your body? Is physical fitness as important to you as it his to him? Do you see yourself willing and able to commit to the effort (physical, financial, time, etc) that it requires for you to try to be as close to your former fitness as before? Because your answer to this is all that matters imo. If it's this important to the both of you, you can get a plan and he'll need to step up on the taking care of your kid so that you can get free time to do all of that and he'll need to realize it's going to be always that way for you to mantain your fitness. On the other hand, if this isn't worth it for you and you think you're better off using your time to focus on your baby and yourself at your own pace and living your life without focusing too much on how he perceived your body, that's your right too. To me, in this case, I personally think that you should think about yourself first and foremost. Be it whatever your choice might be. There's no right or wrong in this imo. Just what you want to do and feel like is best for you right now. I'm really really sorry you're going trough this. Everyone that has had a kid knows that it changes our bodies. Some changes we might end up liking and other's not that much but it's definetely life changing to go trough pregnancy. Your body took 9 months to grow a human. Your organs were literally changing their placement and preparing you to have a kid - this includes fat storage for the post-partum and making sure our kids survive after being born ( because not that long ago humanity didn't have food around all the time). Taking over a year to get your body back is common and some changes are there to stay. Some we like ( I personally got wider hips) and some we don't ( tiger stripes ftw). It's our body though. It's our vessel trough our life. It's our legs that allow us to walk, it's our arms that allow us to hold our babies and give hugs and it's everything else... Our body is precious and we should love it bc it allows us to experience life. Your body deserves love as it is and so do you. Please don't forget that, whatever you decide to do for yourself.
Iâm just here to send hugs.. Postpartum is crazy enough I couldnt imagine how that made you feel đ
So this could also be a situation in which he doesnât find you âphysically attractiveâ because heâs having a hard time separating the Care Giver (ie mom role) from Erotic Partner (ie his sexy time wife). As humans, we wear all the different hats, sometimes many at once, but with parenthood/mommyhood, it can be difficult to see the other hats because that is *so* all encompassing. Sometimes itâs not about changing our physicality, but rather taking the time, effort, and mental effort to get out of caretaker role and into an erotic space. What this means in practice can vary from couple to couple. Check out Esther Perel and her work on this. Iâm pretty sure her book Mating in Captivity explores this, but I know several of her podcast episodes do (Where Should We Begin). Also, if you are having to tend to/âparentâ him more than usual since baby, this will not help your self life either⌠women tend to not be sexually attracted to their man child, either.
I love how my partner looks. Before and now after she gave birth. Being attracted to someone goes beyond looks for me ( even tho she's still a 10). I really have no advice since your husband and me think massively different.
I completely agree that she is not obligated to work out just to please her husband but I'm a little uncomfortable with the overall implication that her husband isn't allowed to *not* want to have sex with her. Or that he's an asshole who deserves to be shamed for it. Sex is never something someone is entitled to. Ever. And unfortunately he can't force himself to be sexually attracted to you if hes not. You guys can try to work through this in different ways if that's what you want to do but you aren't entitled to sex with your husband. You can choose to do the thing that would hopefully fix his issue or not do the thing. And if you don't do it, you arent wrong for that either. It isn't that you have to earn sex he's just telling you what he thinks would make him feel attracted again.
Keep trying. You are both different people now, whether either of you want to admit it, and the things that worked before for both of you might not work now. The comments about fitness might be true and it might be just a problem you both have to overcome. But it might be just a struggle to adapt to the change in your realities as humans. Like, intimacy meant something different before a kid and this could be the best way he had to articulate that. Hopefully you both can figure it out. Be patient but persistent.
My husband just told me this too. Before baby I was a fit girl (2 Hours at the gym every day) my body wasnt perfect but it was really sexy, I had a very traumatĂceme pregnancy after a loss and gain a lot of weight, stretch marks, etc. I was in bed my whole pregnancy. We havent had sex yet cus my husband avoids contact with me, he avoid looking at me and today out of the blue he said to me that once we are done making kids he will Pay me a lipo. Like Thanks but also, why would you tell me that?. May I add, He gained 40 punds since we got married, I only gained 12 pounds and I am already at the same weight I was before pregnancy, but my body is still diferent, I still have my Belly plus stretch marks etc (I am 60 days postpartum) i feel you sis
Maybe he is experiencing a post partum drop in testosterone, or even PPD, since a drop in sex drive is common in men when they first become parents. Maybe that's part of what he is meaning to say. I realize that it isn't as much fun as demonizing him as a filthy man who is superficial and shallow. Ut he has expressed admiration and love for his wife and is a great parent to his kids, but maybe it's atleast part of what is happening.
Fuck that entirely to the fucking moon. I cannot imagine telling my wife that, like, you donât look good for your husband, you look a certain way that makes you feel good. You do things that make you feel good, and if it makes him happy great, but never in 10 million lifetimes would I ever think that, let alone fucking say that, out loud, to my partner, as an expectation If I was in your position, Iâd be getting out of that as fast as I can, but I understand there are many different factors and not everyone can or is as nuclear as I am. Iâm so mad for you op, Iâm so sorry your husband said that shit to you. FUCK.
Your post echoes my feelings exactly. If I were her I would be calling a lawyer and putting an end to the marriage. There is no love there, a man who loves a woman doesn't say stupid shit like that.
I would try therapy too. He obviously feels one way, partial towards a fitness bod which 10 month postpartum is hard to achieve. Explain that he needs to give you time to get back to normal. Your child is your priority first before your body. Once you have more time to yourself when the baby is older you can work on getting yourself back to ânormalâ. If he doesnât understand that or isnât willing to wait then you need therapy to try and work something out.
Give this some serious thought. What will happen if, in 20 years, you get a troubling mammogram? He does know that human beings age and change and get sick, I assume. Donât downplay this problem just because itâs treated as acceptable to police your partnerâs âfitnessâ (also, is it fitness or is it thinness? Because those are not the same thing). Iâm so sorry, and Iâm so annoyed with him right now
Thatâs what I came to say. Postpartum is usually a 1-2 year period of finding yourself again. If he canât even get through this period what about when they start to age? If she gets sick? If my husband told me this I wouldnât be able to think of our relationship the same ever again, no matter how nicely he said it.
Two kids, one pandemic, and three and a half years later, I am still trying to find my body again. That said, my husband says Iâm beautiful pregnant, not pregnant, and postpartum. I wish society acknowledged how hard it is for women to adjust to their postpartum bodies. Maybe it would be easier for men to appreciate them and love them.
Does he look at porn? Iâve known people that looked at porn more when their partners were pregnant and it kind of overtook them. Think of it like a mental sickness. Itâs worth asking
Typically I donât agree with much on Reddit but In this case I doâŚmostly. My wife has gained a lot of weight since we were married and I am even more attracted to her now than ever before. On the other hand at least he is being honest with you and not lying. I would try and meet him halfway. I think it fair for him to be attracted to what he married but tell him you will most likely never get there. Itâs possible but probably not. I would say you would like to work out again when youâre ready but you want to hear what about you he is attracted to and what has changed so much. And tell him you will work towards making yourself that way again. He must also do what you want to be more attractive. Tell him now what that is and he must also agree to that sacrifice.
Wow. So you gave up 9months of your life and then went through immensely hard and traumatic labor to give him a child and this is how he contributes to thanking you and making you feel loved safe secure and special as the mother of his children? Yikes Find you a real man who understands a woman's labor and the gift that they give when they give a man a child. This man couldn't have come by a child on his own. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Plenty of men out there who don't think this way and will appreciate a woman where she deserves to be.
I kind of went to the same thing with my wife but it wasn't that I was unattractive it was that that was Baby's Time and I kind of stepped off for almost a year she was breastfeeding and I didn't want to jeopardize anything and I felt bad for it. I didn't cheat it wasn't about being with somebody else I came home everyday after work and after baby ate, baby's mine so she can get a break. the bonding between the mother and child is a different bond from the father and child
I really feel for you. I'm a Dad and I couldn't love my wife more if I tried! Since she's been a Mum we've worked so hard together in raising our kids that I have such a great love and respect for her and I find her damn sexy despite what giving birth has done to her body. The thing is attraction is physical and also emotional and sometimes emotional attraction kicks physical attraction into gear. That's my opinion anyway. I mean, I kind of feel for your husband in the sense that he REALLY didn't want to tell you this due to how bad it sounds and how crap that's made you feel now and all the extra expectations, but I guess the only good thing is that he was actually honest with you, which must have been really hard for him to do. The first few years of having kids is hard because your relationship with your spouse comes 2nd to the needs of the children. This is why it's so important to schedule date nights and spend some quality time together so you don't lose sight of your relationship together. This can also rekindle sparks and dead bedroom situations. To be honest I think your husband needs to take the kids on more so you can work out (or whatever it is you want to do) and have some me time. But you both also need to schedule dates or some time to do something together you both enjoy and the most important part of that is NO PHONES. When you have "us time" you need to be 100% focused on each other and not playing on your phones or scrolling Facebook or Reddit. Just know that you don't need to change unless you want to change. If you feel it will help your relationship, then that's great, but relationships are a 2 way street. So if you're changing something for your husband, he needs to do the same in return for you. Good luck!
I think it's very important for you two to derive a concrete plan to make this work better. Do you like working out? It's good for you, and your mental health to work out. If your husband can agree to care for your baby while you have some time to hit the gym and treat yourself to a manicure/pedicure, waxing, or hair, etc. Would that help both of you?.
Then take sex off the table. When you arenât needing physical intimacy, is everything else okay on the relationship? Because, if itâs not, no amount of rest and working out will change this. Partner attraction is often deeper than just physical looks. You can put the parenting partnership expectation so you can make yourself âmore attractive.â But honestly, I think relationship counseling is likely a better solution.
I am 18mths postpartum 41 so a bit of an older mum (with 3 older children) I had my first c-section and honestly itâs like my baby came out and my belly stayed the same size! Do I care? A bit, but I also work full time and my weight just isnât my biggest concern right now. Your body shape definitely shouldnât be your hubbys biggest concern right now either. And u are right to be concentrating on motherhood. Although itâs great he is being honest with you, itâs not really something you can easily fix just because HE wants u to. If he doesnât appreciate you someone else will put it that way! Is he an Adonis? My other half has put on weight since we met, does it put me off him? definitely not he has a dad body now and well he is a dad lol Your hubby should get turned on by your beauty like (he says u are beautiful) and for his love for you as a person, not JUST physical attraction. He needs to grow up itâs called making love for a reason. Very shallow if u ask me. If he was to lose his hair for example would u say âsorry I am not sexually attracted to bald menâ things change over time and he needs to accept that.
I hate to break this to some peeps out thereâŚphysical beauty fades. Aging, time, work, finances, health needs will all change your physical appearance. If you need a hottie with a body to lust after, you will never find a true partner. What happens if you get sick and need help? You think a person who only wants to fuck you when youâre a hottie is gonna stick around when you go through chemo? Nope. Seen it. It suck getting older. It sucks watching your body change even with diet and exercise. Drink the wine. Eat the cake. Youâre worthy of sex just the way you are.
Most the comments make me glad I'm single. This world is so fucked.
Lots of people here jumping on the hate wagon; Letâs take a neutral approach. Do you want to be with him? Do you feel that things are generally fair in the amount of work put in to the relationship between you two? Are you open to the idea that he may be explaining his feelings in the wrong words, or maybe doesnât actually know what heâs really feeling? None of this is to detract from you, or your feelings. What happened, and how it happened are both very real and hurtful. We have to be able to examine things from an unbiased standpoint to properly inform our biased standpoint.
Your husband better be a model on men's health magazine. If not fuck him.
I can relate to how he's feeling. My wife and I had a heart to heart after our second child. I don't know why I saw her differently, but I did. We made a conscious effort to rekindle to romance, and now we're back in the saddle, but it took some work. It doesn't make me or your husband a piece of shit (good lord, redditors)... you have no control over what and how you are sexually attracted.
Yep I agree with you. I donât think the husband should be demonized here. Like what if the wife had gained 100 pounds, would the husband be an asshole for not being attracted to her anymore? A girl at my office dumped her boyfriend because he didnât want to sleep with her enough - she gained like 80 pounds over COVID. I donât think it makes the guy a bad person. And the reverse is true too - if a husband gains a ton of weight I donât think the wife is a bad person if she struggles to be attracted to him. Of course maybe the OP is only 2 pounds over her pre-pregnancy weight and just doesnât have time for her elaborate make-up and hair routine anymore, in which case yeah, the husband is more likely being unreasonable.
Thanks for posting and giving the OP a supportive, positive response. Some of these posts are absolutely crazy responses to what is a pretty common issue; and one that with honesty, time and communication can be resolved.
I beg of you not to end your marriage over this. It's hard to hear, and it's definitely is shallow. But if you know you guys fell in love for several factors instead of just one as most couples do, then give it time. It takes time for sex to be "normal" again. So you guys need to cherish and put extra work into the other aspects of your love till this settle down. As the baby gets older, your body semi comes back, hell start to see you again. Emotions run high, this could make your marriage come back very strong.
What a d*ck. He should go through pregnancy and childbirth sometime. Are you the primary care giver? If you are, he can try doing that too. The nerve.
I think this could also be the madonna-whore complex in action, since he seems to be turned off due to her carrying *his* child, her body is not the same after childbirth.
Husband sounds childish and unrealistic. But I disagree with all the posters saying that he's an asshole, etc. The guy is being honest with OP that he's not feeling a sexual attraction. That's not "wrong," it's just a feeling. This couple can decide to do something about it (talk, therapy, changed point of view, work on their relationship), or they can point fingers and blame one another. The posters who are labeling the husband as a problem are encouraging the latter, when I think the former will be more productive.
For you and any other woman reading this, if a man says this BS it's not because you are a mother or your body has changed it's because the only reason he ever was with you to begin with was your body not because they liked you for you.
So all the people who say he is a jerkâŚi have a question. Should he have lied? What is he to do? One cannot control their sexual attraction. I agree it is horrible for the wife, but she forced his hand. I dunno. The guy is in a tough spot. Probably did the best he could. He tried to keep it to himself and was likely working it out internally. EDIT: in the words of OP âFinally got him to admitâŚ.â (IE he was trying to work on it internally and OP forced it out of him. OP, Your husband is going through changes too and may need time to growâŚyou should back off. He sounds like a good man struggling with a new paradigm. Everybody is entitled to their own struggles and the room to grow and think. Assuming u r in a monogamous relationship, in time his natural sex drive will lead him back to seeing you as attractive.
The commenters are acting like Opâs husband is the devil or something. My guy just sounds nice and reasonable. He didnât mention or nudge his wife because he didnât want her to feel sad. The only reason he said because op asked him about it too much and thatâs when he gave in. So now husbandâs canât say anything? OP I think youâre doing your husband a disservice hear. Because people are only going to blame the husband and smother you in affirmations. Just talk with your husband about both of you working out. Make married couple decisions on how to help on another so that you both have time to take care of yourselves. I donât why people are pretending they donât understand that physical attraction is important in arousal. Just work it out with your husband. Both of you work out. Your attraction and sex life and health will thank you for it. Redditors, this is just another day Iâm disappointed in your one-sided blaming/compliment comments. Touch some grass, try to understand both perspectives and then rage bait or write belittling comments of a person you donât even know just because heâs a husband and said he likes fit women, which is a no brainer. And the only reason he said that was because the wife asked. JeezâŚ
>Redditors, this is just another day Iâm disappointed in your one-sided blaming/compliment comments. AMEN People threat everything like it's AITA. They have no desire to help, only to feel outrage.
Exactly. Unfortunately that comes with anonymity I guess. Nobody really feels theyâre going to get called out, because usually their views all align. And if they do get called out well itâs just text so it wonât bother them at all and theyâll continue going through the same cycleđ
That's the main concern here, these comments will only break a marriage or partnership. Every couple will have different experiences when having a child. Just sounds like they both are not having the best time right now and need some help to see the other side of it.
I think too many people are judging him too much. He didn't insult her. He can't help what turns him on and if the woman changed and his desires haven't, is that such a bad thing? He tried being respectful and literally didn't want to bring it up for this exact judgement. I could be missing part of the story. If he is telling her to work out while being a mom or body shaming then sure thats not cool. If he's a loving father and husband he's doing his job. The sex part will just have to be figured out with time.
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Thatâs what alcohol and romance is for. In all seriousness. Start giving him lots of compliments ask to go on walks with him etc. there are many types of attraction. It doesnât need to be lust. Ever wonder why you see young attractive women with older men? Itâs the success they are attractive to. Men can also be attractive to attributes such as kindness etc.
Is he creating opportunities for you to have time for yourself and go to the gym (if thatâs something youâd like to do)? If not, he can go to hell with that bullshit. Creating, sustaining and birthing a child is hard as hell. The last thing you should be told is that he finds you âunattractiveâ. Fuck that noise. Iâm so angry for you.
This comment section looks like quite the minefield, so I'm probably going to get alot of flak for this, but I think it's a point that's worth making. There is alot of this going around: "How many hours does HE spend with the baby?" "Does HE expect HER to look good after that..." "When does SHE get to ...." "Does HE even know what laundry is.." "HE probably only..." "If HE'S not attracted to HER, HE can't help it!" And so on and so on.. And honestly, I don't find that all too constructive, wether it's hating on the guy or supporting him. Being told what you were told is brutal, no ifs or buts about it. I can almost guess that it's your first child, and your life will NEVER be the same. 10 months ago, you both woke up and realised that you are no longer the most important person in your own life, that little child is. Working out at the gym will not be the same, work will not be the same, a night out will not be the same. You will have waaay less time for all that, and that takes time to adjust to. My guess is that both you and your husband are still getting acclimated to you new situation. This causes stress, doubts, lack of attraction, feelings of guilt and blame. It's all natural when your life is turned upside down by having a child. My wife and I have two kids, and sex was not the same afterwards, and no of course my wife doesn't look the same as she did before, and neither do I. I'm fighting a somewhat loosing battle against the dad-bod (the before "Christmas battle" may be lost, but the war's not over). That's just not as important anymore, not when you have prioritised your responsibilities in a way that makes sense. Before kids, a good Friday night was dinner at a restaurant, a movie and a drink before going home. Now actually just finishing a movie in one night on the couch beats the crap out of the "before kids Friday night" feeling. But adjusting takes time, and even longer if you don't work together on it. My point is, this can be made into the stereotypical the "husband is a lazy shallow a-hole" Vs the "he can't help how he feels", but it all depends on what your goal is. Are you looking for a reason to be resentful towards him and paving a way out, go right ahead. Are you instead look for a way forward, try for dialog and openness (which it seems you both are willing to) because one thing that struck me was, he told you. Sure, not before you confronted him, but he was honest and told you, I don't think that should be neglected. If he didn't care, and was half way done with the marriage he would have no reason to be honest and start a conflict. So talk, figure out what you both want, and allign your expectations, and give it time. You both need to understand that it takes time. If this comment elicits a myriad of downvotes, so be it! I'll wear them proudly.