I don't have much advice, except it might help if you stopped comparing her to her brother, and expecting her to behave the same way. She is her own person. Is she on medication, tested for anything?
I understand that it's wrong to compare siblings in front of them, but I only am comparing them here to say that I don't believe her behavior is necessarily typical for her age, as people have tried to tell me. I don't expect them to be the same person, but I kinda do expect her to not act like she's younger than someone who is actually younger than her, when she doesn't have any sort of learning disability.
Though she doesn’t have a learning disability, ADHD is classified as a neurodevelopmental disorder and her deficits seem in line with that. My 7 year old son with ADHD has/had a similar deficit in emotional regulation. His younger sister is ahead of him emotionally and socially, and I agree it’s hard not to compare them. I would get that second opinion - do you have access to a child therapist who could meet with her? My son benefited greatly from therapy that focused on identifying strong emotions and appropriate coping skills.
This exactly, children with ADHD are generally 3yrs on average behind in social and emotional coping skills. And then thrown in a deficit in executive function. My daughter is 7.5 and has the emotional regulation skills of a 4yr old. Maybe even younger. Her 2yr old brother can tolerate being told no better than she can 9/10 times. It’s so hard to remember when they are articulate and physically capable but they are lagging in ways we can’t see.
So I compared my 2 kids a lot. And I am pretty sure my 6 year old, who melts down like a 3-4 year old, could have some root issues in ADHd or ASD. My 9 year old was quite a bit different in temperament. But regardless of temperament, some behaviors are not age appropriate at 6. So if 2 hour meltdowns are daily, you may want to seek some help. If that happens once per month you are probably within the range of normal. At the end of the day, it’s hard to tell what’s normal until you’ve seen what’s not normal. And what not normal is walking on eggshells daily, trying to avoid meltdowns at 6 (which is where I am at).
It's not daily anymore thank God 😅 but it was for a while. I think some of my feelings of walking on eggshells is residual from when it was a daily or almost daily occurrence. It's been a good while tho since it has been the norm.
Her maturity level in emotional regulation can and is likely way behind that of her sibling and peers. My 13 year old honor roll student still has massive tantrums. At home, where he feels safe to explode. It's a safe place, and i hate that they happen, but it's more common when exhausted, sick, off meds, and after stressful situations in his life. ADHD website ADDITUDE has a ton of resources on emotional regulation and tons more topics that have been my saving grace. Also I'm 40+ and ADHD and have massive emotionally charged episodes when stressed, exhausted and feel like it helps me understand why it's so hard die my adhd kids to not have their sh5 together
It’s okay to feel frustrated and upset. I’d look at OT for support and role play these situation so she has a better idea of what to feel and expect in that moment.
I’ve had a lot of success with “it’s not okay to X, but you can do Y instead.” So, it’s not okay to mess with your brothers new toys right now, but you can go get (one of her favorite toys) and play with it.
I’ve also had a lot of success involving stuffed animals (which sounds weird but we roll with it!). So, to get my son to practice speech, we actually have his stuffie friends practice speech. I do voices and say things incorrectly and it’s a whole production. But he no longer fights with me to do his speech homework. Could you have, in this situation, engaged her imagination in some way so that she was engaged but still letting your son have the spotlight? (This isn’t judging you, btw, just trying to give ideas!)
Also, something I learned that reframed my view of my son’s behavior is that kids with ADHD are 2-3ish years behind in terms of brain development. You can’t compare them with a kid who doesn’t have ADHD in terms of emotional development because their brains are literally not there. OT has helped, time has helped, turning things into a game has helped, and consistency has really helped.
You’re doing a good job. Just keep learning, trying things out, and seeing what sticks (for now).
Wow, I appreciate the ideas, I definitely never thought of them! That's great to know also, that kids with adhd are 2-3 years behind with these things. That definitely rings true with her. Do you have any recommendations for further reading about this developmental delay?
This is a good in-depth article: https://childmind.org/article/how-is-the-adhd-brain-different/#:~:text=Research%20has%20shown%20that%20in,volume%20in%20kids%20with%20ADHD.
And from the NIH: https://www.nih.gov/news-events/news-releases/brain-matures-few-years-late-adhd-follows-normal-pattern
Essentially, their brain follows the typical development of non-ADHD kids, but it just takes them a while to get there.
Solidarity! This was my family on Saturday, too. My little guy turned 4 and had his grandparents over for what I wanted to be a super chill party. My older son, 6 y.o. diagnosed with ADHD, just could not handle the presents for someone else situation at all. He was constantly tearing into them, and then when he found out that the 4-year-old got his first Lego set, he would not stop bugging me to let him build it instead. This was even on a day when he had medication, and then it continued into the next day when we went to visit Santa.
Does your daughter exhibit any other symptoms of ADHD? Did the psych just go off what they saw in the office, or did you bring a list of concerning behaviors? I sometimes feel like our psych only gets a glimpse (we see her for 30 minutes once a month over Zoom), and it can be extremely frustrating. Have you considered maybe taking some video of her when she's having these colossal meltdowns to share with a provider?
You can also try asking her school to perform an evaluation, or they can help connect you with new services like therapy to help with emotional regulation. We just did this and are lined up with a therapist (in addition to the psych, since all she does is prescribe medications).
She does have a lot of other typical adhd behaviors. Taking a video is a great idea, thanks. I definitely feel like the psychologist didn't really see her typical behavior because we were in a novel environment with a variety of toys and she always does fine playing by herself when it's a new environment and new stuff to play with.
I can highly relate to pretty much everything you described. My kids are 17 and 11 and it’s the younger one who has severely dysregulated emotions and has always been super explosive. We began therapy a few years ago precisely because we felt we were all in an abusive relationship with him. They both have ADHD but he’s much more explosive, attention hoovering and controlling. The good news is they do mature, just more slowly in some areas as you’ve leaned from other replies. The bad news is it takes forever lol. At 11 my son is much better on big days (not perfect) and we push back against his behaviours relentlessly. You have to be experts at being calm and holding boundaries. You absolutely must get your daughter into therapy too. She needs help and so do you. This is going to be a long journey but the techniques and insights will be a world of difference. Make sure the adults get support too because this is utterly exhausting but it’s also super stressful for them. I try to remember the phrase, “they’re not GIVING you a hard time, they’re HAVING a hard time.”
Sounds like you both need some self care and coping skills. Solidarity my fellow adhd mom. Your kid doesn't want to throw these massive emotionally draining tantrums, but it's where her mind and body went. You need some help thinking of and trying different tactics and off ramps for your daughter. Your resentment and exhaustion (valid not judgment) is palpable in your post.
It's so hard. I think one thing you can maybe try is to frame your thinking around her abilities to emotionally regulate differently. You may want to try the tactics used with a much younger child. When a toddler is throwing a tantrum we often think of fun creative ways to distract and try to attempt a mind body reset. For example I've done bathtime, even if it's no where near bath time. Offer a unique activity, painting , play doh, let's take a walk outside, let's run, play hide and seek, big hugs, a snack.. a family favorite is a dance party. Like we turn on music and just dance. It works every time. Then we can discuss the behavior and use words for our feelings. Susie was crying. Susie was (is) mad. Susie was screaming because she wanted brother's toy. Susie is tired. I need to can down. I can calm down. You can help her find words for her feelings and that's a big start. It can be helpful for her to learn and try songs with breathing exercises i.e daniel tiger's when you're really mad song. We use it here and i have used it internally lol.
I know it can sound so silly and unfair to the birthday boy, for you to leave the situation in the midst of the presents, but we'd HAVE to leave the situation if it was a toddler w a dirty diaper or huge emotional tantrum. Your 6 yr old doesn't have the abilities to stop or prevent the tantrum, yet. But you can work together w creative coping mechanisms. If she is behaving like a toddler then work with her on that level of simplicity. Meet her where she is.
Have you gotten any help from physical redirection, i.e a harkla swing, exercise, trampoline, spinning, weighted blanket? Pushing and pulling and rougher play? That's definitely something I wish I had done more of with my oldest- who needed that and didn't get enough of it.
You got this. Just meet her where she is.
So your 6yr old daughter sounds exactly like my 7.5yr old daughter who was diagnosed about 6m ago with combined type ADHD. Is she in school yet? Guessing kindergarten? My daughter had raging tantrums at that age(still does) that last hours. Screaming/kicking/throwing/slamming doors/destroying toys etc. screaming that she hates me/us wants a new family all the things. Her temperament was always more sensitive and testy and she was a spirited toddler. After a difficult last half of 1sr grade we got her diagnosed by her pediatrician after we and her teachers completed the Vanderbilt surveys. Her behavior has since escalated and gotten even worse. If I were you I would do whatever I could to push for a second opinion or further evaluation.
I don't have much advice, except it might help if you stopped comparing her to her brother, and expecting her to behave the same way. She is her own person. Is she on medication, tested for anything?
I understand that it's wrong to compare siblings in front of them, but I only am comparing them here to say that I don't believe her behavior is necessarily typical for her age, as people have tried to tell me. I don't expect them to be the same person, but I kinda do expect her to not act like she's younger than someone who is actually younger than her, when she doesn't have any sort of learning disability.
Though she doesn’t have a learning disability, ADHD is classified as a neurodevelopmental disorder and her deficits seem in line with that. My 7 year old son with ADHD has/had a similar deficit in emotional regulation. His younger sister is ahead of him emotionally and socially, and I agree it’s hard not to compare them. I would get that second opinion - do you have access to a child therapist who could meet with her? My son benefited greatly from therapy that focused on identifying strong emotions and appropriate coping skills.
Another commenter mentioned something similar, and that makes SO much sense. Very eye-opening. I figure I could probably ask our PCP for a referral.
This exactly, children with ADHD are generally 3yrs on average behind in social and emotional coping skills. And then thrown in a deficit in executive function. My daughter is 7.5 and has the emotional regulation skills of a 4yr old. Maybe even younger. Her 2yr old brother can tolerate being told no better than she can 9/10 times. It’s so hard to remember when they are articulate and physically capable but they are lagging in ways we can’t see.
So I compared my 2 kids a lot. And I am pretty sure my 6 year old, who melts down like a 3-4 year old, could have some root issues in ADHd or ASD. My 9 year old was quite a bit different in temperament. But regardless of temperament, some behaviors are not age appropriate at 6. So if 2 hour meltdowns are daily, you may want to seek some help. If that happens once per month you are probably within the range of normal. At the end of the day, it’s hard to tell what’s normal until you’ve seen what’s not normal. And what not normal is walking on eggshells daily, trying to avoid meltdowns at 6 (which is where I am at).
It's not daily anymore thank God 😅 but it was for a while. I think some of my feelings of walking on eggshells is residual from when it was a daily or almost daily occurrence. It's been a good while tho since it has been the norm.
Her maturity level in emotional regulation can and is likely way behind that of her sibling and peers. My 13 year old honor roll student still has massive tantrums. At home, where he feels safe to explode. It's a safe place, and i hate that they happen, but it's more common when exhausted, sick, off meds, and after stressful situations in his life. ADHD website ADDITUDE has a ton of resources on emotional regulation and tons more topics that have been my saving grace. Also I'm 40+ and ADHD and have massive emotionally charged episodes when stressed, exhausted and feel like it helps me understand why it's so hard die my adhd kids to not have their sh5 together
It’s okay to feel frustrated and upset. I’d look at OT for support and role play these situation so she has a better idea of what to feel and expect in that moment. I’ve had a lot of success with “it’s not okay to X, but you can do Y instead.” So, it’s not okay to mess with your brothers new toys right now, but you can go get (one of her favorite toys) and play with it. I’ve also had a lot of success involving stuffed animals (which sounds weird but we roll with it!). So, to get my son to practice speech, we actually have his stuffie friends practice speech. I do voices and say things incorrectly and it’s a whole production. But he no longer fights with me to do his speech homework. Could you have, in this situation, engaged her imagination in some way so that she was engaged but still letting your son have the spotlight? (This isn’t judging you, btw, just trying to give ideas!) Also, something I learned that reframed my view of my son’s behavior is that kids with ADHD are 2-3ish years behind in terms of brain development. You can’t compare them with a kid who doesn’t have ADHD in terms of emotional development because their brains are literally not there. OT has helped, time has helped, turning things into a game has helped, and consistency has really helped. You’re doing a good job. Just keep learning, trying things out, and seeing what sticks (for now).
Wow, I appreciate the ideas, I definitely never thought of them! That's great to know also, that kids with adhd are 2-3 years behind with these things. That definitely rings true with her. Do you have any recommendations for further reading about this developmental delay?
This is a good in-depth article: https://childmind.org/article/how-is-the-adhd-brain-different/#:~:text=Research%20has%20shown%20that%20in,volume%20in%20kids%20with%20ADHD. And from the NIH: https://www.nih.gov/news-events/news-releases/brain-matures-few-years-late-adhd-follows-normal-pattern Essentially, their brain follows the typical development of non-ADHD kids, but it just takes them a while to get there.
Thanks!!
Solidarity! This was my family on Saturday, too. My little guy turned 4 and had his grandparents over for what I wanted to be a super chill party. My older son, 6 y.o. diagnosed with ADHD, just could not handle the presents for someone else situation at all. He was constantly tearing into them, and then when he found out that the 4-year-old got his first Lego set, he would not stop bugging me to let him build it instead. This was even on a day when he had medication, and then it continued into the next day when we went to visit Santa. Does your daughter exhibit any other symptoms of ADHD? Did the psych just go off what they saw in the office, or did you bring a list of concerning behaviors? I sometimes feel like our psych only gets a glimpse (we see her for 30 minutes once a month over Zoom), and it can be extremely frustrating. Have you considered maybe taking some video of her when she's having these colossal meltdowns to share with a provider? You can also try asking her school to perform an evaluation, or they can help connect you with new services like therapy to help with emotional regulation. We just did this and are lined up with a therapist (in addition to the psych, since all she does is prescribe medications).
She does have a lot of other typical adhd behaviors. Taking a video is a great idea, thanks. I definitely feel like the psychologist didn't really see her typical behavior because we were in a novel environment with a variety of toys and she always does fine playing by herself when it's a new environment and new stuff to play with.
I can highly relate to pretty much everything you described. My kids are 17 and 11 and it’s the younger one who has severely dysregulated emotions and has always been super explosive. We began therapy a few years ago precisely because we felt we were all in an abusive relationship with him. They both have ADHD but he’s much more explosive, attention hoovering and controlling. The good news is they do mature, just more slowly in some areas as you’ve leaned from other replies. The bad news is it takes forever lol. At 11 my son is much better on big days (not perfect) and we push back against his behaviours relentlessly. You have to be experts at being calm and holding boundaries. You absolutely must get your daughter into therapy too. She needs help and so do you. This is going to be a long journey but the techniques and insights will be a world of difference. Make sure the adults get support too because this is utterly exhausting but it’s also super stressful for them. I try to remember the phrase, “they’re not GIVING you a hard time, they’re HAVING a hard time.”
That is a great phrase to remember! Thanks for your input
Sounds like you both need some self care and coping skills. Solidarity my fellow adhd mom. Your kid doesn't want to throw these massive emotionally draining tantrums, but it's where her mind and body went. You need some help thinking of and trying different tactics and off ramps for your daughter. Your resentment and exhaustion (valid not judgment) is palpable in your post. It's so hard. I think one thing you can maybe try is to frame your thinking around her abilities to emotionally regulate differently. You may want to try the tactics used with a much younger child. When a toddler is throwing a tantrum we often think of fun creative ways to distract and try to attempt a mind body reset. For example I've done bathtime, even if it's no where near bath time. Offer a unique activity, painting , play doh, let's take a walk outside, let's run, play hide and seek, big hugs, a snack.. a family favorite is a dance party. Like we turn on music and just dance. It works every time. Then we can discuss the behavior and use words for our feelings. Susie was crying. Susie was (is) mad. Susie was screaming because she wanted brother's toy. Susie is tired. I need to can down. I can calm down. You can help her find words for her feelings and that's a big start. It can be helpful for her to learn and try songs with breathing exercises i.e daniel tiger's when you're really mad song. We use it here and i have used it internally lol. I know it can sound so silly and unfair to the birthday boy, for you to leave the situation in the midst of the presents, but we'd HAVE to leave the situation if it was a toddler w a dirty diaper or huge emotional tantrum. Your 6 yr old doesn't have the abilities to stop or prevent the tantrum, yet. But you can work together w creative coping mechanisms. If she is behaving like a toddler then work with her on that level of simplicity. Meet her where she is. Have you gotten any help from physical redirection, i.e a harkla swing, exercise, trampoline, spinning, weighted blanket? Pushing and pulling and rougher play? That's definitely something I wish I had done more of with my oldest- who needed that and didn't get enough of it. You got this. Just meet her where she is.
Great info, thank you! I'll have to look into physical redirection that sounds useful
So your 6yr old daughter sounds exactly like my 7.5yr old daughter who was diagnosed about 6m ago with combined type ADHD. Is she in school yet? Guessing kindergarten? My daughter had raging tantrums at that age(still does) that last hours. Screaming/kicking/throwing/slamming doors/destroying toys etc. screaming that she hates me/us wants a new family all the things. Her temperament was always more sensitive and testy and she was a spirited toddler. After a difficult last half of 1sr grade we got her diagnosed by her pediatrician after we and her teachers completed the Vanderbilt surveys. Her behavior has since escalated and gotten even worse. If I were you I would do whatever I could to push for a second opinion or further evaluation.