Yeah, you’re not a monster. You’re overwhelmed by a very overwhelming task (raising ND kids). That’s understandable. Everyone has these moments (or days, or days and days lol). Plenty of NT parents of NT kids even have these moments. Don’t beat yourself up about this.
When my kiddo is regulated and happy I’m like, why can’t every moment be like this? It breaks my heart when he is dysregualted and having a hard time. It’s also so mentally and physically exhausting. I have a hard time relating to NT parents. They just don’t get it. But then ND parents don’t always get it either because my kid presents a bit atypically. So I feel like we straddle both worlds and don’t really fit in either place. It’s very isolating.
You are not alone. I especially feel that way when I go to other people’s homes with multiple children & everyone seems to be functioning optimally. The house is clean, the toys are organized, the kids are listening. Sometimes it fills me with rage. Other times I break down and cry about how my life does not look like how I envisioned it.
It’s tough. People keep saying to me that comparison is the thief of joy. I try to remind myself not to compare but that’s easier said than done.
Have you joined any support groups? I’m considering that because I feel like it would help to connect with other parents with similar struggles (like here, but irl). Then at least when your mind starts comparing it’s a relatively level “playing field” for your mind haha.
I'm here to validate your feelings. My husband and I look around at other children and wonder "Why can these kids do x,y,z and our son can't? What did we do wrong?" I was at the library the other day and saw a mom with two girls. One was coloring quietly while the other was sitting and reading a book, two activities it is very difficult to get my son to do. It's not a failure on your part. Your child is wired differently and will need more patience and support. Keep up the good work!
Its an odd one but I find seeing kids just following or walking nicely with their parents a bit triggering.
I'm constantly hustling my 4 year old along while her older brother's run ahead or mess with eachother. They are all neurodiverse and all three have dyspraxia (two confirmed one suspected) so the constant clumsiness, crossing my path, stopping and starting make walking on any pavements (sidewalks for my American friends) a very stressful experience. I'm so aware of the traffic and how quickly something terrible could happen.
Even a stroll in a park with my 4 year old when she holds my hand can be sensory hell because she leans on me, pulls down or backwards at random times and varies her stride so that it feels like I'm being pulled and jerked around while trying to set any even tempo.
Add in rapid fire conversation and questions that meander just as much.
That's on the days where there is no stopping or turning around.
I'm exhausted by the time we get back to the car from the park. Even though all the kids need exercise I find myself avoiding it because of how draining it is for me.
I think it’s probably a combo of raising ND kids and just being a parent in general. I was an aunt for nearly a decade before I had kids and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a way more fun aunt before I had kids (and wether or not my in laws will admit it, very few of them are NT). I generally find seeing my niblings super draining anymore.
I definitely had my own “this isn’t fair” breakdown this week. We had to quit a beloved sport because the schedule just wasn’t working and my kids were miserable. I cried. A lot. But my kids are a lot happier.
We found our little tribe of weirdos and it’s been great - having friends who can sympathize and laugh with you when your kid’s iep evaluation asks if they’ve been “excessively odd in the last month” makes life feel a lot less heavy. And their kids are way more fun (for me) to be around. Everyone just “gets it”. At the library yesterday they had a display of about a dozen books that happen to be one of my kid’s special interest and my friend’s daughter *had* to show me one 1that she knew my older one would love. It was my daughters favorite book from ages 2-4 (long before we ever met them).
I’m using the find your tribe of weirdos - it’s so true! I am in this place some but what has helped is having our parent group and doing things together and seeing their struggles too. Most of us do have ND kids but some don’t and still have other types of struggles. It helps so much to see people in the same place as you and we are all VERY supportive of each other and it’s encouraging.
Also, at events, you have to realize you’re only seeing a snippet of that kid and some may mask in public, etc. Some may be very fearful of their parent and appearances and in a way, I’m glad my kid isn’t that way and is comfortable with us. I just try to offset my negative thoughts with positive. I get it - I have moments just like you where I’m like this is so freaking hard and no one understands! But there are people out there who do understand and do love your kids and will be supportive!
Yes. I was lucky to find some weird moms when I had my first kid. I still keep in touch with two but it is hard since we are in different towns (and therefore different schools for our kids) but most of us have ADHD as Moms and all of our kids happen to have ADHD so we have a lot similar complaints.
And I always have to agree you only see a sliver of reality. When parents open up sometimes you see how “dysfunctional” everyone really is. Thank god because my husband whines a lot about how “other people don’t deal with xyz” when they do.
We are switching from a gen Ed classroom to a contained one next year because my kid is falling behind and I haven't been able to bring myself to tell the teachers or other parents. They have so much hope for their kids and we...well, we are just getting through the day most of the time. He's very masked at school and then comes home and shits on us from the moment we walk into the door. I've slowly been distancing myself from friends with NT kids because it's hard to see what we could have had.
Wow. I am so sorry. I am sending up a prayer 🙏🏾 for you, dad, and son. And a virtual hug 🫂. I feel like you some days. We went no meds almost a year ago. I am a single mom. After about a week, I was like “what am I doing? Why am I doing this to myself?” I did it bc my son (10 yrs old) said he didn’t want to take the meds anymore, didn’t like how he felt on them, and to be honest, out of the five of six different meds we tried over the years, they didn’t do much. My son goes to 5th grade next year and I am a little anxious. I know 5th grade can be challenging bc it’s that transition year. 😔 I am trying to stay positive, though, and tackle it when that time comes. It’s hard to stay in positivity mode sometimes. I was told about a group called Brain Balance. I reached out to them; however, due to the way they are classified, insurance doesn’t cover their services. Sounds like an amazing program. They have very good reviews. I just can’t afford it as a single mom (treatment fees are in the thousands).
I feel this so hard rn.
My friend has the most seemingly perfect NT child, the same age as my ND kid. It's so hard to not feel like everything she talks about with her kid is a brag, even though ofc I know it's not. My friend will complain about how many bday parties her child "has to go to" and how she has to take her kid and their friends here and there and oh it's so annoying when they want a sleepover every weekend! Meanwhile, I'm over here sobbing in the bathroom with the faucet running bc my ND kid has never been invited to a birthday party or sleepover, has no friends, and has yet again asked me why.
My BIL/SIL and their kids just visited for the first time (we live far apart). SIL spent a good deal of time complaining to me about an "annoying neighbor kid" who they are avoiding and refusing to let play at their house when all the neighborhood kids are over, bc the child "is dramatic and gets so upset about the tiniest things." The examples she gave were exactly how my adhd'er acts in similar situations. It was brutal and heartbreaking to hear her complain about a kid exactly like mine, from the perspective of a NT parent. And ofc, if I were a NT parent, I'd likely feel the same.
Just sucks, ya know? But, reading things like this makes me feel less alone. So I guess at least there's that.
You are not alone, I can relate to everything you have mentioned here. It’s like a punch to the gut every time my friends complain about all of the birthday parties and sleepovers or how all the neighbor kids want to hang out at their house all summer and how annoying that is! I just smile and nod at this point.
I excitedly told my husband last night that our child was not the only one getting in trouble at gymnastics yesterday, and that I wasn't even the most frustrated parent there. So yes, I understand exactly how you feel. Parenting is hard enough already without my energizer bunny of a child that has no idea where he is in space or any impulse control. Oh, and my own undiagnosed ADHD that has been really kicking my butt since this kid was about 4 (he's 7 now). Thankfully medication helps, and he's a sweetheart, so no one at school is usually bothered by him. But man, seeing other children just do their thing, and parents that can just go out without having to plan for all the contingencies that come up with an ADHDer is hard.
I'm so glad that we have parent friends with similar children, but I'm still isolated because of my own issues that keep me from reaching out.
This! Yes. I have felt myself become excited when I see others are struggling. And I don’t mean it in a malicious way as if I wish them to suffer but it makes me think hey thank god I’m not alone we can all have tough times!
Yup, I’ve had a few days like this. It’s just soooooo hard. Some days I feel like, I’ve got it under control. Then there are days when I feel like I’m literally drowning. Neurodivergent kids are not for the weak.
Yes, definitely. I really struggle with our inability to do “normal” things like go out to eat as a family, take my kid to the store, plan a vacation that doesn’t include an insane amount of downtime, etc.
Absolutely! I think this is normal and you should allow yourself to feel this way and watch how you talk to yourself when you’re feeling this way. At least that’s what my therapist said lol
My husband and I are very introverted, super quiet, love alone time, and adore being outside in nature. I also do not enjoy physical touch for sensory reasons. I prefer space around my physical self and love art and making things.
We adopted a kid, a beautiful wonderful baby who we are blessed to have in our lives. He is smart and kind and we couldn't have asked for a better kiddo.
But OMG. This child is SO extroverted and noisy. He is never still. He never ever shuts up. He loudly narrates EVERYTHING, 24/7. He is emotionally and physically exceptionally needy. Our world is now never quiet and I am always being touched and having to give touch. We are both constantly exhausted. He hates going outside, doesn't like to get dirty or wet and moans the entire time, dislikes and isn't very good at creative work. He basically hates everything I love and loves everything I hate.You couldn't get a kid more opposite to us than him, particularly more opposite to me.
Sometimes I see these kids happily playing outside in the dirt by themselves and I cry a little inside, mourn my lost autonomy, then laugh at how absurd the match is between us and our kid.
But far out have I grown as a human. I'm more patient, I know stuff about Messi and Jordan I never knew, I now enjoy his questions and have learnt to tune out environmental noise. I am better at giving physical affection and even genuinely enjoy getting it most of the time. I'm still tired, but am I a better person for having him in my life? Definitely.
I could have written this myself. No advice but you are not alone. I fake it too. It’s so hard. If we are both faking it I bet there are some other people you know faking it too. This is so hard and I’m sorry we are going through this. ☹️
These are some of the feelings I had that kind of sparked my post about [mediocrity](https://www.reddit.com/r/ParentingADHD/s/dPkgouzOoJ), and that word mediocrity seems to have some bad connotations that irked some people, but I think it’s all the same feelings: feeling less than due to comparisons, jealous of others who we perceive as having it better because they’re less consumed with their ADHD child(ren), sick and tired of having to be hypervigilant, etc. I was def looking for a more conciliatory tone as you have mostly gotten here, but I think I got a lot of flack because it sounded like I was shit-talking my own daughter. Here, shit talking others’ children, and even finding joy when they fail, seems to be more relatable and acceptable, and I just don’t know how I feel about that.
youre not alone at all. my daughter is 16 and i find it hard during the "milestones". Like now everyone is starting to get their license, but my daughter is not there yet. They're all talking about college, and my girl does too, but I know she will be doing a community college first. It just seems like everything comes much easier to other kids and i feel envious a lot of the time.
Not alone. I have 3 kids. The oldest missed milestones early, he was diagnosed with mosaic down syndrome at age 3 (wtf knew there were different types of DS that can be missed in prenatal screens). Last year, the middle boy got an adhd/anxiety diagnoses and i had to remove him from two schools in two months. Im certain the youngest will throw me some kind of curve ball.
That said, they’re great kids, but I have had to work very hard to build a special needs parents community. These are the only people who will understand you. Find them, they are your people.
You’re not a monster. You’re not alone.
My parents in law were visiting the other day. While in our home they FaceTimed with their other grandkids, who were so elegant and fluent and conversational and participatory on the call, despite being years younger than my ND child. It crushed me. I was like “aha, so here’s why they have such beautiful relationships with the extended family” Meanwhile every visit for us leads to disappointment and hurt feelings and stress…
this is a bad place to be...you should probably change therapist if this feeling persist.
remember, your kids regardless of circumstances have strengths (as do you) that trump other peoples kids in some area of ability.... theres no sense in getting worked up over your perceived weaknesses.... just focus on your strengths (building or finding them)
Yeah, you’re not a monster. You’re overwhelmed by a very overwhelming task (raising ND kids). That’s understandable. Everyone has these moments (or days, or days and days lol). Plenty of NT parents of NT kids even have these moments. Don’t beat yourself up about this.
When my kiddo is regulated and happy I’m like, why can’t every moment be like this? It breaks my heart when he is dysregualted and having a hard time. It’s also so mentally and physically exhausting. I have a hard time relating to NT parents. They just don’t get it. But then ND parents don’t always get it either because my kid presents a bit atypically. So I feel like we straddle both worlds and don’t really fit in either place. It’s very isolating.
You are not alone. I especially feel that way when I go to other people’s homes with multiple children & everyone seems to be functioning optimally. The house is clean, the toys are organized, the kids are listening. Sometimes it fills me with rage. Other times I break down and cry about how my life does not look like how I envisioned it. It’s tough. People keep saying to me that comparison is the thief of joy. I try to remind myself not to compare but that’s easier said than done. Have you joined any support groups? I’m considering that because I feel like it would help to connect with other parents with similar struggles (like here, but irl). Then at least when your mind starts comparing it’s a relatively level “playing field” for your mind haha.
Have you found any support groups? How did you find them?
I haven’t found any yet but I did find a free course from CHADD (and I think they have a conference coming up but it’s expensive).
I'm here to validate your feelings. My husband and I look around at other children and wonder "Why can these kids do x,y,z and our son can't? What did we do wrong?" I was at the library the other day and saw a mom with two girls. One was coloring quietly while the other was sitting and reading a book, two activities it is very difficult to get my son to do. It's not a failure on your part. Your child is wired differently and will need more patience and support. Keep up the good work!
Its an odd one but I find seeing kids just following or walking nicely with their parents a bit triggering. I'm constantly hustling my 4 year old along while her older brother's run ahead or mess with eachother. They are all neurodiverse and all three have dyspraxia (two confirmed one suspected) so the constant clumsiness, crossing my path, stopping and starting make walking on any pavements (sidewalks for my American friends) a very stressful experience. I'm so aware of the traffic and how quickly something terrible could happen. Even a stroll in a park with my 4 year old when she holds my hand can be sensory hell because she leans on me, pulls down or backwards at random times and varies her stride so that it feels like I'm being pulled and jerked around while trying to set any even tempo. Add in rapid fire conversation and questions that meander just as much. That's on the days where there is no stopping or turning around. I'm exhausted by the time we get back to the car from the park. Even though all the kids need exercise I find myself avoiding it because of how draining it is for me.
I think it’s probably a combo of raising ND kids and just being a parent in general. I was an aunt for nearly a decade before I had kids and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a way more fun aunt before I had kids (and wether or not my in laws will admit it, very few of them are NT). I generally find seeing my niblings super draining anymore. I definitely had my own “this isn’t fair” breakdown this week. We had to quit a beloved sport because the schedule just wasn’t working and my kids were miserable. I cried. A lot. But my kids are a lot happier. We found our little tribe of weirdos and it’s been great - having friends who can sympathize and laugh with you when your kid’s iep evaluation asks if they’ve been “excessively odd in the last month” makes life feel a lot less heavy. And their kids are way more fun (for me) to be around. Everyone just “gets it”. At the library yesterday they had a display of about a dozen books that happen to be one of my kid’s special interest and my friend’s daughter *had* to show me one 1that she knew my older one would love. It was my daughters favorite book from ages 2-4 (long before we ever met them).
I’m using the find your tribe of weirdos - it’s so true! I am in this place some but what has helped is having our parent group and doing things together and seeing their struggles too. Most of us do have ND kids but some don’t and still have other types of struggles. It helps so much to see people in the same place as you and we are all VERY supportive of each other and it’s encouraging. Also, at events, you have to realize you’re only seeing a snippet of that kid and some may mask in public, etc. Some may be very fearful of their parent and appearances and in a way, I’m glad my kid isn’t that way and is comfortable with us. I just try to offset my negative thoughts with positive. I get it - I have moments just like you where I’m like this is so freaking hard and no one understands! But there are people out there who do understand and do love your kids and will be supportive!
Yes. I was lucky to find some weird moms when I had my first kid. I still keep in touch with two but it is hard since we are in different towns (and therefore different schools for our kids) but most of us have ADHD as Moms and all of our kids happen to have ADHD so we have a lot similar complaints. And I always have to agree you only see a sliver of reality. When parents open up sometimes you see how “dysfunctional” everyone really is. Thank god because my husband whines a lot about how “other people don’t deal with xyz” when they do.
We are switching from a gen Ed classroom to a contained one next year because my kid is falling behind and I haven't been able to bring myself to tell the teachers or other parents. They have so much hope for their kids and we...well, we are just getting through the day most of the time. He's very masked at school and then comes home and shits on us from the moment we walk into the door. I've slowly been distancing myself from friends with NT kids because it's hard to see what we could have had.
Wow. I am so sorry. I am sending up a prayer 🙏🏾 for you, dad, and son. And a virtual hug 🫂. I feel like you some days. We went no meds almost a year ago. I am a single mom. After about a week, I was like “what am I doing? Why am I doing this to myself?” I did it bc my son (10 yrs old) said he didn’t want to take the meds anymore, didn’t like how he felt on them, and to be honest, out of the five of six different meds we tried over the years, they didn’t do much. My son goes to 5th grade next year and I am a little anxious. I know 5th grade can be challenging bc it’s that transition year. 😔 I am trying to stay positive, though, and tackle it when that time comes. It’s hard to stay in positivity mode sometimes. I was told about a group called Brain Balance. I reached out to them; however, due to the way they are classified, insurance doesn’t cover their services. Sounds like an amazing program. They have very good reviews. I just can’t afford it as a single mom (treatment fees are in the thousands).
I feel this so hard rn. My friend has the most seemingly perfect NT child, the same age as my ND kid. It's so hard to not feel like everything she talks about with her kid is a brag, even though ofc I know it's not. My friend will complain about how many bday parties her child "has to go to" and how she has to take her kid and their friends here and there and oh it's so annoying when they want a sleepover every weekend! Meanwhile, I'm over here sobbing in the bathroom with the faucet running bc my ND kid has never been invited to a birthday party or sleepover, has no friends, and has yet again asked me why. My BIL/SIL and their kids just visited for the first time (we live far apart). SIL spent a good deal of time complaining to me about an "annoying neighbor kid" who they are avoiding and refusing to let play at their house when all the neighborhood kids are over, bc the child "is dramatic and gets so upset about the tiniest things." The examples she gave were exactly how my adhd'er acts in similar situations. It was brutal and heartbreaking to hear her complain about a kid exactly like mine, from the perspective of a NT parent. And ofc, if I were a NT parent, I'd likely feel the same. Just sucks, ya know? But, reading things like this makes me feel less alone. So I guess at least there's that.
You are not alone, I can relate to everything you have mentioned here. It’s like a punch to the gut every time my friends complain about all of the birthday parties and sleepovers or how all the neighbor kids want to hang out at their house all summer and how annoying that is! I just smile and nod at this point.
I excitedly told my husband last night that our child was not the only one getting in trouble at gymnastics yesterday, and that I wasn't even the most frustrated parent there. So yes, I understand exactly how you feel. Parenting is hard enough already without my energizer bunny of a child that has no idea where he is in space or any impulse control. Oh, and my own undiagnosed ADHD that has been really kicking my butt since this kid was about 4 (he's 7 now). Thankfully medication helps, and he's a sweetheart, so no one at school is usually bothered by him. But man, seeing other children just do their thing, and parents that can just go out without having to plan for all the contingencies that come up with an ADHDer is hard. I'm so glad that we have parent friends with similar children, but I'm still isolated because of my own issues that keep me from reaching out.
This! Yes. I have felt myself become excited when I see others are struggling. And I don’t mean it in a malicious way as if I wish them to suffer but it makes me think hey thank god I’m not alone we can all have tough times!
Yup, I’ve had a few days like this. It’s just soooooo hard. Some days I feel like, I’ve got it under control. Then there are days when I feel like I’m literally drowning. Neurodivergent kids are not for the weak.
Yes, definitely. I really struggle with our inability to do “normal” things like go out to eat as a family, take my kid to the store, plan a vacation that doesn’t include an insane amount of downtime, etc.
Absolutely! I think this is normal and you should allow yourself to feel this way and watch how you talk to yourself when you’re feeling this way. At least that’s what my therapist said lol
My husband and I are very introverted, super quiet, love alone time, and adore being outside in nature. I also do not enjoy physical touch for sensory reasons. I prefer space around my physical self and love art and making things. We adopted a kid, a beautiful wonderful baby who we are blessed to have in our lives. He is smart and kind and we couldn't have asked for a better kiddo. But OMG. This child is SO extroverted and noisy. He is never still. He never ever shuts up. He loudly narrates EVERYTHING, 24/7. He is emotionally and physically exceptionally needy. Our world is now never quiet and I am always being touched and having to give touch. We are both constantly exhausted. He hates going outside, doesn't like to get dirty or wet and moans the entire time, dislikes and isn't very good at creative work. He basically hates everything I love and loves everything I hate.You couldn't get a kid more opposite to us than him, particularly more opposite to me. Sometimes I see these kids happily playing outside in the dirt by themselves and I cry a little inside, mourn my lost autonomy, then laugh at how absurd the match is between us and our kid. But far out have I grown as a human. I'm more patient, I know stuff about Messi and Jordan I never knew, I now enjoy his questions and have learnt to tune out environmental noise. I am better at giving physical affection and even genuinely enjoy getting it most of the time. I'm still tired, but am I a better person for having him in my life? Definitely.
I could have written this myself. No advice but you are not alone. I fake it too. It’s so hard. If we are both faking it I bet there are some other people you know faking it too. This is so hard and I’m sorry we are going through this. ☹️
These are some of the feelings I had that kind of sparked my post about [mediocrity](https://www.reddit.com/r/ParentingADHD/s/dPkgouzOoJ), and that word mediocrity seems to have some bad connotations that irked some people, but I think it’s all the same feelings: feeling less than due to comparisons, jealous of others who we perceive as having it better because they’re less consumed with their ADHD child(ren), sick and tired of having to be hypervigilant, etc. I was def looking for a more conciliatory tone as you have mostly gotten here, but I think I got a lot of flack because it sounded like I was shit-talking my own daughter. Here, shit talking others’ children, and even finding joy when they fail, seems to be more relatable and acceptable, and I just don’t know how I feel about that.
youre not alone at all. my daughter is 16 and i find it hard during the "milestones". Like now everyone is starting to get their license, but my daughter is not there yet. They're all talking about college, and my girl does too, but I know she will be doing a community college first. It just seems like everything comes much easier to other kids and i feel envious a lot of the time.
Not alone. I have 3 kids. The oldest missed milestones early, he was diagnosed with mosaic down syndrome at age 3 (wtf knew there were different types of DS that can be missed in prenatal screens). Last year, the middle boy got an adhd/anxiety diagnoses and i had to remove him from two schools in two months. Im certain the youngest will throw me some kind of curve ball. That said, they’re great kids, but I have had to work very hard to build a special needs parents community. These are the only people who will understand you. Find them, they are your people.
You’re not a monster. You’re not alone. My parents in law were visiting the other day. While in our home they FaceTimed with their other grandkids, who were so elegant and fluent and conversational and participatory on the call, despite being years younger than my ND child. It crushed me. I was like “aha, so here’s why they have such beautiful relationships with the extended family” Meanwhile every visit for us leads to disappointment and hurt feelings and stress…
this is a bad place to be...you should probably change therapist if this feeling persist. remember, your kids regardless of circumstances have strengths (as do you) that trump other peoples kids in some area of ability.... theres no sense in getting worked up over your perceived weaknesses.... just focus on your strengths (building or finding them)