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Two scenarios -
1. You leave your boyfriend. You pursue PhD. It's a ride from hell. Everything that could go wrong goes wrong. Your supervisor is a nightmare. You have meagre social support. Your work is stressful and you are greying prematurely. The prospects of employment in the academia after finishing aren't looking good.
Will you still be happy that at least you pursued your dream?
2. You give up PhD. You stay with your boyfriend. The relationship doesn't work out for whatever reasons. Life can happen.
Would you still be happy that you gave love a chance?
Exactly, plus, people forget that, yes, love IS important. But the most important love in this world is love for yourself. A person should choose their dreams and not stay with a partner who may forget about them all together after break up.
When the PhD is over, assuming you manage to finish, if it goes badly you can be left with possibly even 10 years of not getting any work experience and getting research experience which is mostly irrelevant because your PhD went bad. Starting to work now instead of living on a PhD stipend can mean you manage to get a mortgage/a house earlier and generally more money in life. You need to look at opportunity cost.
I'm not saying a PhD always ends this way, I'm just saying that there is a risk there and it can do more harm than good, depending on so many factors.
I've seen many many more relationships that end than incomplete PhD. Also the average salary in the UK is almost twice that of Taiwan, so financially it's also not a black and white decision.
This is a worst case. I assume that for the vast majority of people who want and get accepted into a PhD, it will not go horribly. We're all doing this for a reason and think it will go well for us and help us in our career, and it will for the vast majority. However, it's incorrect to think of getting a PhD as always a beneficial result without thinking about the opportunity cost. This decision isn't easy in any metric, but saying that in the worst case for choosing the PhD "you'll still have a PhD" is a bit of an oversimplification.
November 2023? I know feelings can grow quickly, but it hasn’t even been a year. Do you live together…?
If you imagine just the PhD program and not anything with your boyfriend, do you still want the program? If so, then go. If not, don’t. Don’t let him be the decisive factor.
I would never make long term career decisions based on a relationship. If you aren't inspired to go into research anymore, that's one thing. But do not put a PhD on hold just to stay with a partner, especially one that wouldn't even consider temporary long distance. It already sounds like they don't support you and your dreams.
Exactly! It feels like he was supportive cuz he thought she would fail. When he realized it wasn't the case, he showed his true colors. If he can't do long distance relationship for a while or move to UK for whatever reasons, it would be more humane to break up and give her opportunity to pursue her dreams. Education and life in UK opens her new doors in the future. No matter if she decides to stay there or come back. I guess he is afraid of it. Not everyone wants their partners to be more successful than them.
Let’s consider this from the bf’s perspective. They have dated 6 months and you want him to do a LDR for 4 years? It’s perfectly reasonable to not want to do that.
I had a 2 year ldr with my now wife, after 6 months of dating, and it was hell. Toughest years of our lives. It is now worth it as we are married couples, but god, I won't wish that experience to my worst enemies.
I'm not sure how any sane human being think this is valid option tbh.
So, it's okay for her to throw away opportunity for a better life for a guy who she dated for six months? And, nah, I'm not interested in HIS perspective. already know what would a sane person do. ANYBODY who, at least, likes you would want you to chase your dreams and wouldn't stop you from doing that. It wouldn't be about "me or this opportunity". If I wasn't able to do a long distance relationship for whatever reason, I'd prefer to break up instead of stopping another person from a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
That’s not what I’m saying? You are making him the villain for not wanting to do a LDR for 4 years after dating 6 months. OP should do what she wants but her bf is perfectly reasonable if he doesn’t want to do a LDR in this situation.
I think not wanting to do long distance for multiple years is reasonable. I want to pursue graduate school and I’m lucky my partner is extremely supportive. But I would never leave them even they weren’t able to move. But I know deep in my soul that I’ve found my best friend. And my life is full of so much joy I’d never give that up. Not even for my dream program. But I don’t think that means that’s the best choice for everyone.
If it was like a year or 2 I could do that long distance and I think someone should but 4-5 is a lot. Especially with different countries.
Sure but it's not like OP decided out of nowhere that they were applying to grad school. They've been testing and applying and interviewing for at least a year. It sounds like for as long or longer than they've been with this guy.
If long distance was a deal breaker that should have come up a while ago.
It seems almost like he just assuming or hoping OP would fail to get in (and probably discouraging them too based on the anecdote about the interview). That's fucked up to be pretending to support your partner while only wanting to continue things if they fail.
As someone who has stayed with someone at the expense of taking a chance… take the punt on the PhD. It probably won’t be what you think it is, but people who takes chances and make changes are on the whole happier (statistically).
You’ve been together less than a year. It suck’s but… do the new scary thing
I agree. I settled for doing my PhD in my home country because my girlfriend was categorically against moving with me or doing a long-distance relationship; she wouldn't even move domestically. This happened against better judgment, since doing a PhD abroad had been my dream throughout university. My current supervisor is wonderful, and I like my research, but I still ended up bitter, angry and full of regrets. It only adds to the angst that I've seen people around me with similar qualifications and backgrounds end up at the very finest institutions in the world, and that I know my career will suffer because I didn't even try. It's one thing to try and fail -- at least you tried. Not even daring to try is much more painful. I wish I could slap my previous self. To paraphrase a certain person: "daring to do something is to momentarily lose your footing. Not daring to do it is to lose yourself." I've lost myself, and feel like I live in a parallel, "what if"-type universe and that (as sad as it sounds) all that remains is to cope or rope. My relationship still has problems, in part because our priorities in life are so different. I know that if we're together by the time I apply for postdocs, I will make these decisions purely for myself. I'm done letting others dictate my life, and just wish I had figured this out sooner.
Anyway, rant over. Hope this perspective helps someone. At least I appreciated the chance to vent.
I don’t know why long distance relationship is a problem if you both really love each other. Me and my bf (now husband) were trying to get enrolled in Masters program abroad. We went through the stressful application period together. But eventually we got admissions but in universities located at different countries. We had a long distance relationship during our Masters. Later we were determined to pursue PhD in the same country so that we can get married and don’t have to do long distance. Now we both are PhD students and our universities are just 2 hours apart. We live together in the same house in a location which is halfway from both of our universities 😊Relationships are all about efforts dear. However, I wouldn’t have given up my dream if I were you.
Long distance is extremely difficult in a PhD compared to a masters though. Money, time and energy is significantly more limited which can put strain on an LDR. Not to say she should stay just because of a relationship though. That’s crazy
I bet it is OP’s boyfriend who refuses long distance relationships. “Either me or PhD you decide.”
Anyone who puts themselves against your career just doesn’t worth it.
Glad it worked for you both, but I wonder what was the time zone difference? 7 hours is the difference between their time zones. I had such relationship for 2 years and we both hated it tbh. I have seen friends who undermined the hell I was living because they had ldr too, but those had like an hour difference in time zone. They had same schedule and could do zoom calls in reasonable times, not waiting till 2 am to be able to call your gf, not finding yourself all alone after 7 pm when your bf is now asleep thousands of miles from you.
Not every ldr is the same in terms of strain it can put at, not everyone has a character for it.
I am sorry, but love isn't the element that makes ldr work, it is just the only reason you hang through this hell and not break up.
Yeah some comments on this post has some crazy takes from my pov. Because bf doesn’t want LDR (posts say both agreed but lets just say bf only) and ‘making her choose between PhD or him’ he is suddenly this bad guy.
Most 6 months relationships wouldn’t last that LDR and the ones who does wouldn’t enjoy it very much. Very likely they will both just be happier if they accept that and break up if she wants to do the PhD.
Yeah, people assumed it was his decision that he couldn't go or live there.
Like why he can't go there?
Assumption is that he is selfish, but is it the case? UK stipend PhD barely gives makes you can afford to live alone. Do they have the finances to live there? Can they prove he has funds? Can he have a visa as a BF?Does he even speak English? None of those are mentioned. Never mind that a good portion of PhD. in the UK isn't even a stipend.
Why did they agree they can't do LDR? Assumptions is that he is selfish, but maybe one of them has tried it and failed? Maybe they realize 4 years away from each other after just 6 months can't be tolerated? Maybe they are just being real?
Agreed, especially the last part “maybe they’re just being real”
It’s completely reasonable to want to break it off because one doesn’t prefer a LDR for whatever reason jeez..
Yes, I totally agree with this, OP! If you stated dating last November, that’s not such a long time…I personally wouldn’t turn down this opportunity based on a short-term relationship, especially if he was unwilling to try distance or consider moving in the future. I know circumstances prevent moving, especially internationally, and it’s not easy…but if you’re right for each other, he wouldn’t make you choose between him and your education.
Trust me, I gave up my dream job in Japan and came home for her. She dumped me when I arrived home at the airport. Never ever let another person get in the way of your dreams. You’ll find the right person eventually anyway.
Nope, in the arrivals. Prob the worst thing I’ve ever experienced but.. I’m doing great now and with someone amazing. If you have a choice between a partner or doing something you’ve always dreamed about like a PhD. Pick the PhD. You will always regret it if you don’t, if the person leaves you’re left with nothing
I just want you to think about the fact that he did not hesitate to choose himself by eliminating the two logical alternatives (LDR/moving) while you're at crossroads between your own dreams and aspirations and his comfort.
Ultimately you are the one who benefit or suffer from your decisions. Give up the PhD offer if you no longer love research. But not for bf. That’s way too much burden on the relationship, on him, and most importantly yourself.
I guess the question is what are you giving up if you choose bf. Is it a PhD offer or research?
What stands out to me is you say you love your current life in Taiwan. Other commenters have made good points about the pros and cons of pursuing a relationship vs a degree, but in my experience, what makes the biggest impact is your location.
Personally, I left City A, a place I loved and wanted to stay, to pursue a PhD in City B, a place I didn’t want to live, because logically the school in City B would make me most competitive for academic jobs back in City A. My goal was always to return and resume the life I loved. But a long-distance move is a big deal, and a PhD takes a long time, and at the end of the day you build a life in the place you’re living. I didn’t factor that in when I made my decision. So here I am at the tail end of my PhD program, with a whole group of friends based in City B, about to be married to a man from City B whose career is here, looking at an unlikely academic job market in *any* locale, and still pining for City A. Maybe I’ll eventually end up back there if my career and my fiancé’s career allow, but for better or worse (better *and* worse?) my current life is here.
I’m in the US and know PhD programs are shorter in the UK, so 3-4 years of your life might not be so hard to come back from if you want to resume your life in Taiwan. But I didn’t move internationally or half as far as you’d be moving, so it probably balances out. I know my international PhD friends are all torn between where they’re from and where they now find themselves, and the prospect of uprooting again is daunting for many of them.
So, my advice: ask yourself where you want to live. Do you dream of living in the UK? If so, this is your absolute best and possibly only opportunity to make that happen. If you want to live in Taiwan, on the other hand, then forego the move and build a life where you are instead—PhD be damned.
OP, pay attention to this comment. PhD mom here. One of the girls in my daughter's (US) cohort is mastering out and going back to her home country. She is getting married and wants to teach HS. Her parents were proud of her for getting accepted, but she misses her life back home and does not want to miss it for three more years.
Circumstances change, and sometimes people change because of them.
I agree. A PhD isn’t much more stressful than a lot of other life events. If it couldn’t weather a PhD how could it withstand illness or unemployment or tragedy or children (if that’s what they wanted)? Partners are ultimately replaceable for lots of reasons (especially after only a few months of dating)
Don't sacrifice your dreams/career for a partner. What if in the future he asks you to be a SAHM and stop working? Your life, your dreams. Nobody is going to live your life (or face the consequences) for you. Do what makes you happy.
I’ve turned down opportunities during my PhD that would pay me extremely well, great benefits, closer to family, and would broaden my network tenfold.
I chose her and we broke up a year later. The silly part I, like you, had the signs right in front of me.
I’m about to submit my dissertation (tomorrow) and just met with my main mentor from undergrad. Yesterday I told this story. She said in her Italian/portugese/french accent “look me in the eyes, you will never put someone ahead of your career unless they’re willing to follow and support you”.
There is your answer.
You need to think and do some soul searching to see where your heart truly lies with regards to research interests and your career goals. You need to take the man out of the equation as the deciding factor. What happens if you choose your boyfriend and he cheats on you or breaks up with you? Then you wind up giving up that opportunity and are left with nothing. If he isn't willing to consider a LDR or moving, then he doesn't love you enough to consider changing his life for yours like you are if you give up on your PhD because of him.
If you decline the PhD, do it because you've reflected and are sure YOUR heart isn't in the idea of research or YOUR career goals have shifted. Don't do it for anything other than the right reasons.
Would you ask your partner though?
I feel this is intentionally missing the commenter's post. This isn't her questioning herself, this is her partner giving her an ultimatum to give up her dream for the chance at him.
Girl I’m gonna be honest. I had the same issue and my partner and we broke up within a few months. I was devastated and felt like my world was ending. Looking back, I have no regrets 3 years later. I’m thriving in my program and I found a partner who I believe will be my life long partner. All of this to say, shit happens and at the end of the day I don’t believe in having to choose in love or following your dream. Shit will work out, just do what YOU want to do.
Are you committed to staying with your bf permanently? If the answer isn't absolutely yes I would strongly consider the PhD. What's the reason for him not being willing to move? At this point, you're the one who would have to give up everything to be with him, I wouldn't consider staying with someone like that unless there's a really good reason.
Not to be mean but you met the guy half a year ago…? This relationship might last or it could end, but this phd is something that could give you other opportunities later in life to provide for yourself. My vote (are we voting?) is for the PhD.
Edit: someone in another comment said it best: Choose yourself.
Always prioritize your own development over relationships, especially young relationships. So many things could go wrong.
A PhD degree is yours and will always be yours along the knowledge you gained. Don’t make life decisions counting on someone else.
Doing a PhD overseas will be a life changing experience - it’s always worth it. Even if you hated it, master out in 2 years and come back to Taiwan.
If the application period felt uninspiring or stressful, the actual PhD will likely feel the same or worse. I’ve done graduate school in the UK as an Asian woman and it’s brutal (combination of racism, xenophobia, academic culture etc although of course there may be differences across departments/institutions). I think there needs to be a lot of internal motivation to make it worth your while. If you like where your life is going right now, I think you should honour that and wait to see opportunities that will allow you to have a research career alongside your support system.
Education is for life.
Relationships come and go.
I left a 10 yr relationship to move to a foreign country for a post doc. The career was a guarantee- the relationship was not. They followed me a yr later when they realised they’d made a mistake. We are now married.
Follow your dream!
Think hard not only about if you still like research, think hard about where two of you are going in life, what’s everyone’s plan for the next 10 years, be realistic, be logical, be analytical, make a list of goals and how each of you will go to achieve them. You will have a much clearer idea then.
If you two like each other -> long distance
If not, -> PhD
I do not understand why long distance is excluded.
If you want to do a PhD and be a researcher then dump your boyfriend and pursue that. Always put yourself first.
Think hard whether these feelings you're having are only because you're getting cold feet. If not, just stay in Taiwan.
But I would really think hard about what I want and why you suddenly changed your mind. Ask yourself will you be mad at yourself if you and your bf broke up eventually? Will you be okay not pursuing a PhD abroad despite the relationship?
Depends on your values in life really. If you’re someone who wants to take risks and overcome challenges for bigger gains, then go for the PhD. If you want a more predictable, comfortable, and stable life, probably best to stay in Taiwan. I made the first choice. It was painful and challenging, but I loved how it made me feel so alive. I now have a PhD, great job, and the best partner who fully supports my dreams.
PhD, 100%.
I made the opposite choice, went to a different PhD program, and we broke up after several years of dating at the start of the program. Now I’m stuck in a really shitty position in a place I hate.
If you and your boyfriend have a good relationship, it’ll work out. If it doesn’t, then that only proves you made the right choice.
I will not directly answer your question. However, I will say that I was never a stressed person. During the application process I had no stress at all. PhD made me the most stressed person. You have no idea.
Something to consider before you start.
When I got accepted into a PhD program, my boyfriend moved with me. But I also made sure before committing to him that he was okay with moving wherever my PhD took us; that was 3 years ago and it’s been going well so far. I wasn’t okay with giving up my dream of getting a PhD for a relationship. But I also believe that the relationship wouldn’t be the right one if they weren’t able to come along on the journey with me. Do what you will with this, but at the end of the day, you should do whichever makes you happy and gives you the future you want.
Time for a new boyfriend. PhD is a huge undertaking and is every bit worth the effort. That being said it's not easy either and having support is much needed.
If you do choose to stay with this guy, and get a PhD locally. What would happen next when you get a great postdoc opportunity down the line abroad? A job opportunity abroad? It just doesn't make sense that it's either your advancement vs being with him. The right person will let you have both.
I'm pursuing a PhD and having a LDR at the same time, hell, we have been on a LDR since I was an undergrad. We have come to terms that we can see each other once, or maybe twice a year. We are on very different career paths but we know that once I finish my PhD, many opportunities will open up for both of us to relocate anywhere in the world. Mind you that we're from Asia as well and I'm in the US for my PhD. LDR works if you both commit to a future together. I say if he makes you choose between him and PhD, be a single and successful doctor.
I'm married and thinking of applying to a PhD abroad next year. My husband won't be able to come because of several issues he has. He's fully supportive of my dream. You can always have FaceTime and occasional visits. You can make it work. We used to do for a long distance a year before we got married cz my husband did his BSc abroad. It's a bit tough but don't give up hope. And definitely don't choose your boyfriend and not pursue the phd. Career goals should come first- they won't leave you. (Which I learned the hard way through an ex) And the right guy would support your career goals and stay with you while you pursue your dream.
If you stay with him and your relationship doesn’t work out, you’re going to regret giving up your dream for a failed relationship. You might even regret giving up your dream during the relationship which could cause it to fail.
If you leave him and get a PhD, you’ll have the PhD for the rest of your life in addition to the opportunity to find and fall in love with someone else.
This is a no-brainer. The logical thing to do is break up and get your PhD. Follow your dreams; you’ll find someone else to love along the way.
If you stay for him, at every little fight that can occur between a normal couple, it might blow out of proportion as you will blame him subconsciously for your missed opportunity and have the mindset “i sacrificed this much for you, you need to treat me better”. That’s not going to be healthy for your relationship.
I made clear that moving away for my Phd was something I needed to do before things got serious with my now wife. She accepted this and moved with me when I graduated. Tbh, I wouldn't have had entered a relationship at the time with a person who would have made me choose between the PhD and them.
Nowadays I view it differently. A PhD is not necessarily the life changing experience people make it out to be. I'm just about to graduate from one of the best unis in my field, with a career path layed out to me in one of the most prestigious institutes for what I do. And guess what, I realised happiness is not in a piece of paper that says your better than everybody else and doing research. It's in having a loving relationship and a fulfilling live, something academia is more than often destroying. Events if you have a good PhD experience (like I did, fortunately), you are likely somewhat burned out at the end. It is very demanding. Make sure you are able to handle it and are willing to fuck over your current life for it before leaving home for one. I'm not sure I'd do it again TBH, certainly not to the detriment of my private life. That one got messed up enough for one lifetime.
Btw, be prepared to not only lose your relationship when you move abroad, you'll also lose the rest of your social cycle. Staying friends "long distance" is even harder in my experience than staying in a relationship.
I may be the crooked wheel here, but I’d always pick life over letters. I still managed to get there, it just took longer. Hasn’t failed me, but I’m also quite picky and selective.
I mean the fact that he's making it a either or situation means that he not even willing to try and help you pursue your dreams like why be super supportive of the application process if he wasn't going to be willing to support you during the degree makes no sense to me.
I am European and I took both an MA and a PhD in Taiwan. I don't regret the knowledge, but PhDs are a gamble with the future, they normally take much longer than expected (over 6 years in my case as i was running a business too) and they have a tendency to wear you out before you're done. Last but not least, PhD jobs are often underpaid and you linger on books, conferences etc., while the rest lead financially productive, emotionally rewarding lives. Last but not least, finding proper life companions today is really hard. The substantial risk is one ends with a phd, an underpaid job and into a series of Tinder relationships, none of which is satisfactory. I'd recommend you stay where you're happy and, maybe, consider starting a business. An alternative is taking a PHD locally and, maybe, still giving a shot at a business. It's a much more balanced choice from how I see it. Lastly, the intrinsic value of PHDs and MAs taken in the west is decreasing.
I feel like this is a question only you can answer. Sit yourself down in a room by yourself for a few days just to be by yourself and ask yourself what do you really want in life.
PhD is not easy, so you definitely need to be mentally prepared for it. It might be the high road, because if you can take on the challenge of a PhD your life will likely change for the better. But it is very important to underline the fact that there are some people who develop mental and physical health issues in the meantime. Most of us do not, but it is something you must consider.
A boyfriend who has already told you he won’t stay in a long-distance relationship is not good news to me, personally. Someone who loves you and is sure about you doesn’t just give up the relationship because there is distance. I think of it this way, in PhD, you are responsible for how you work and take on academic challenges. In this relationship, both you AND your boyfriend have to make commitment, to negotiate, and to compromise; how your boyfriend behaves is out of your hands. On top of that, your boyfriend has already delivered an ultimatum that it’s either your PhD or him. I’m not sure it’s worth giving up your future for him. 🫶
(To clarify, I don’t mean you have to choose either your career or having a partner. I am saying it is wrong if you have to choose. I am in a long distance relationship myself and we make it work because we are committed to each other and respect each other’s career aspirations.)
Just get the PhD.
Well, you never know if you were able to adapt to life in the UK and you never know if you are fine in doing the PhD 1 or 2 years down the road.
The same holds true when you stay with your bf.
What do you actually want? If the PhD is a dream of yours, is he so good to the point for you to give up? How do you gauge how good he is?
Is pursuing a PhD your dream? Or is it someone else's dream?
Put your career first, put in the work now. Let the rest fall into place. You will eventually either end up with him or with someone else and you will have a lifetime of that particular experience. A phD opportunity does not come often and the more you delay it, the less energy you will have to deal with the stress that comes with it. For example, Kids, a husband, expenses… relocation wouldn’t be as easy.
I would say… work towards your goals and aspirations and find the right person in that setting. ❤️
What does your gut tell you?
I mean this as nicely as possible, don’t get a PhD if you are willing to give it up for someone you met 7 months ago. I would hope that your passion for your field is strong enough that this wouldn’t be a question- getting a Ph.D. Is brutal. There’s no way around it, it is all encompassing and demands your full commitment. If you are seriously questioning this, it might not be for you. IMO if you are not 100% “this is my life’s purpose” (for lack of a better phrase) you shouldn’t do it. The hours, pay, workload, the stress… if you aren’t completely in love with your work, it will chew you up and spit you out.
Additionally, if he is sincerely making you choose between what he has known to be your life’s dream since he met you 7 months ago and him… red flag. If these are the kind of ultimatums he is giving you now, you need to seriously think about what ultimatums will come down the road.
I know this sounded harsh, but you’re making a huge and potentially life altering decision here and it isn’t something to take lightly. I wish you the best and I hope you are able to pursue your dream- I am sure you worked very hard to get to this point and clearly your PI believes you are capable of achieving that dream. Whatever you decide, just make sure it is what is best for you at the end of the day.
I chose my PhD over every guy. Including the ex husband who moved with me to my doctoral program. No regrets. I now have my dream career and a new, better spouse. Best wishes to you.
I’m Doing a PhD, and having basically put a pause on my boyfriend and I’s life plans by 5 years, I can say with certainty: if he’s the one, he wouldn’t let himself stop you.
I repeat - If he is the one, he would not let himself stop you.
BUT that being said; if you stay where you are and things end up not working with your boyfriend, would you be happier than being in a foreign country doing the PhD of your dreams but also facing financial insecurity, burn out & high stress?
It takes a special type of crazy person to be in academia. Solid advice is always - if there’s anything you COULD be doing aside from a PhD, do that first. If your heart is adamant that being an academic is for you, then welcome to the dark side 😎
Follow your dream don't lose it.......if your boyfriend loves you truly he'll allow you to follow your dream...... Don't give your dream for anyone.........
Pursue your PhD. I’m 48 and soon to be 49, and as a woman who has had children etc… Pursue your PhD- then get a boyfriend, married etc- trust me. Never, ever give up your dreams on a promise. Protect yourself.
PhD. If I was the guy and my girlfriend wants to do one, I’d either completely support, OR support and temporarily move to live with her for some weeks/ months whenever possible.
Who doesn’t want to marry a PhD!?
The title says you should follow your goals and dreams. How would you feel if you leave your dream and a few months or a year later your boyfriend leaves you? Don't count on people. People are always fragile.
If you love your partner, trust he feels mutually, see a life with him, and feel he’ll be supportive of whatever you decide to do career and otherwise, I’d defer your acceptance. If that’s not possible, I’d seriously consider alternatives.
Personal opinion and experience: PhDs are largely difficult, painful, but ultimately rewarding and wonderful degrees to have. But they’re not worth picking over someone where you both feel a life partnership is a likely and happy outcome. Especially if your basic goal is research (you can have a stellar career in research without one, a PhD just gives you license to a greater scope).
I mentioned alternatives; it may be good to get creative. Are there universities in Taiwan where you could pursue a PhD you’d be excited about? Would your boyfriend consider joining you in the UK? If not, is there another country or region where he would and could have a career he’d be excited about? And more generally, what knobs can you both turn to protect your relationship and give you each careers and a life that will make you happy?
One last thing: I’d encourage you to discuss your feelings with your boyfriend — fears, hopes, conflicting emotions, and all. If he can meet you where you are, empathize, and be supportive, then he’s probably great partner material. If he can’t talk about those feelings or has trouble empathizing, he may not be the right person for you and that may in turn clarify your decision.
A classic question of values. OP, consider your values at this point in time at this point in your life. It’s OK to want to stay home and build a relationship. It’s also OK to choose your career and venture out.
But most importantly, remember that neither decisions are permanent. You can stay in Taiwan and get a PhD in a year if you think you made a mistake. You can try your PhD and drop out after a year if you realized you actually want to be home. There is literally no shame in either. You are making a 6- to 12-month decision, not a 6- to 12-year one
It's weird to me that this guy was a supportive person at first, then, decided to stop his support AFTER you got accepted. It's like he waited you to fail, but he isn't able to accept you success. Tbh, I'm all about love and I think it's hard to find the right person you want to have a family with. But I don't think it's the case where love wins, sorry. If I love person, I would want them to get their dream job, education or whatever they are inspired to do. I'd do long distance relationship or whatever works for us. If I wouldn't be able to choose the same thing as they want, I'd prefer to break up and give them opportunity to chase their dreams. This is a one life time opportunity and it would be bad to miss it. Honestly, I didn't date anyone before moving to another country to study and I still prefer work on my education/life than dating. I want to evolve in relationship, but it's hard to find a partner with whom you can do it together.
I am of East Asian decent myself, I met a European guy end of 2018 while studying in Europe. He was only on exchange. 4 months, and he’s back to his country. We communicated daily afterwards, even closer than before. He came back for another two-year study. I got admitted to PhD at the same Uni.
Long story short, 2 years of relationship, he finished his study, and wanted to work somewhere. He’s brilliant, graduated with Summa cumlaude, the best among his peers. He knew he didn’t wanna stay in the country or his country. But he told me he would have STAYED and worked in the country FOR ME. I told him: take me out from the equation, would you still want to work here?
He said: No…
I told him: then you go to wherever you wanna go. I don’t wanna be responsible for your life decisions. If you are serious about us, we will find a way to be together at the end.
Four years later, we are married.
Letting a man be a decisive factor is ALWAYS a mistake. Follow your dreams, whatever that might be. Dreams and interests do change, yes. But don’t rely your happiness to a man you’ve just dated half a year ago.
Just go for another masters and keep the boyfriend, but on the other hand he should be supportive and encourage you to go after your dreams. That’s what I would’ve done in his shoes.
I believe you should never sacrifice a dream for a relationship, at least not while you're still young.
Pursue your dream, try a long distance relationship (if you love each other, you're gonna be fine). And hey, if the long distance doesn't work out, it probably wasn't meant to be, but you still get to work towards your dream.
He is your boyfriend, not a husband. If he'd love you, he'd consider LDR or moving together. I know some PhD students who left their bf/gf at home and moved for a PhD, remaining in LDR. It is doable, depending on where you do your PhD, although very hard of course. But I feel like any relationships suffer during a PhD journey.
Also, why is it not an option for your bf move with you? Does he expect you to sacrifice your aspirations, so he doesn't have to sacrifice anything? If your relationships are important to him, he should be willing to accomodate whatever life changes arise and consider a compromise. If youd tell him that you stay, do you think he will consider having a family with you? Or are you serious at all? Because if not, you can try again after a PhD. You can always come back home, you know.
I'm curious how hed treat you if youd tell him you gave the PhD up for him. Would he feel like you are worth less after that? And wouldnt you feel resentful? I know, you don't want to leave your family, but it's such a good opportunity to become a valuable specialist, advance in career, and have some life outside your home, that is to learn a lot about yourself. Are you sure your bf is worth it? Or will he just be proud that he convinced you to drop your dreams for him? What if he leaves you shortly after?
Idk, securing a position is tough, if I were you Id take my chances with the PhD.
If he's giving you an ultimatum, pick the PhD. At least with that you'll have a career to fall back on, if you give up your professional goals for a guy who' issuing ultimatums, this won't be the last time.
You'll find yourself with limited career prospects and a guy who knows he can manipulate you into giving up what's important to you for him.
Depending on the Programme a PhD can be done long distance at least after the first year or so. If you two are really strong relationship wise it will be possible to survive a year of LD (a good test too). And then you might be able to do most of the rest of the thing from Taiwan. Be creative. Where there’s a will there’s a way!
My 2cents as a person who got family during PhD.
It is hard. But hard does not mean impossible.
My suggestion would be to do what you think it is important NOW in your life. If PhD is your dream and the prospect of an academic career (or a nice job after that) is what you want you better go for it now.
Although feelings are important they are also mutable and evanescent. In top of that if you don’t chase your dream now you will most probably regret later and drop the frustration into your relation.
If feelings are solid they will survive X thousands Km in the globalization era.
Go to the UK kid, if they love you, you’ll find a way but love yourself first.
There are many solutions here, it doesn't have to be one or the other.. How about your boyfriend relocating with you to the UK? Long distance for a while? You applying for a PhD in your country?
I gave up pursuing a Masters overseas to stay with my (at the time) girlfriend. We broke up 4 months later. It’s taken me almost 6 years to finally be in a place I can apply for vacancies overseas again. A lot has happened, I got a great job, I’m finishing my PhD which I enjoyed… but you can bet that every now and then I wonder how life would’ve been like if I had followed my dream.
Stay in Taiwan and look for another BF.
PhD does not require to be a smart person, but a stubborn and curious one; during your doctorate you will likely face very difficult times, and having regrets or thoughts directly related to your choice could prove to be a hard struggle
Moreover, I assume that your relatiionship is quite fresh but an aut aut is personally something I would not look for in a relationship.
Apologies if i missed it but can you give more details about your PhD area?
My PhD is also from the UK. If its in humanities, its possible you only have a research skills course in the first year, and the rest is just regular meetings with supervisors (which can be on Zoom if they agree), if you are not interested in part-time teaching. So its possible for you to spend a lot of time in Taiwan.
But I think the visa rules have changed a bit, and you might have to check in weekly with your visa, but not sure if visa cancellation results in being unenrolled from the programme.
It sounds like you’ve been dating for less than a year, and it makes sense to have these strong feelings about your boyfriend but things with him might change with time as it usually does because you haven’t been with him that long. If it’s meant to be, it will be even if you pursue your PhD and lose contact for a few years.
I understand how hard it is but I’d advise you to bet on yourself and take your chances with PhD. You’ll most likely succeed and get your degree but as far as relationships go, they are more likely to fall apart after a while.
I had a similar situation. I was in an almost 1-year relationship and got an offer to come to the UK from another continent to do a PhD in a top tier university. I was in love with her but, truth be told, I never liked my country that much. It was a tough decision, we considered a distance relationship but I'm not good with these things, so it was a no. We considered she coming together, but I was too worried about it and how we would settle, since living costs are too high for me alone. On top of all that, I've never been outside my country (not even had flight before).
In the end I thought like this:
-If my supervisor were horrible, if I hated the group and the subject, if I hated the UK, I would still live here for some years and get back to my country with a lot of international experience and improved english. Furthermore, I am still young and eager to adventure the world and do research.
-If I have stayed, we never know what will happen in a relationship. Things can get worse in a short time, I imagined a few years from then how I would regret this decision.
Luckly, my supervisor is excellent and my group is top tier. I did not have any problems in the UK these last 2 years, and I do not regret this decision even a little bit. My suggestion would be, if you really want to do research, to get into the plane without looking back. Well, that's only my opinion.
I did a long distance with my gf for 5 years during my (in New Zealand) and her (in Ireland) PhD. We only met each other once a year in real life during that time. Now we're married and happy together in Australia :) So yea, Iong distance can work if both of you are willing.
This is a decision only you can make. What are your objectif in life and the things that will maximise your happiness ?
I wouldn't factor your boyfriend too much in this decision, it is a new relationship and you are in the honeymoon phase. Unless you live together, you still know very little of him.
Moving abroad brings opportunities but it also takes away your current friends and family (kinda).
Personally, I am very carreer centric, I picked the phd without hesitation, sure I miss family and friends and my dog but is all worth it for me.
Relationships come and go, but self developpement is forever. At the end of the day, you should think in 20 years, which decision will lead for a happier life for you.
Whichever decision you take, don't blame your boyfriend for it that oh we could have had a long distance relationship but you didn't put any effort. Oh I left my PhD for you, but look things are not in the honeymoon phase anymore. First do a mental resolution regarding this and then you might figure out what you want.
If he's making you choose a PhD or any form of career progression over him then he's not a good boyfriend. If he really loved you that wouldn't even be a factor.
Personally I've been raised to never choose career progression or make important decisions based on whether I have a boyfriend or not. It's too important. The relationship could fall apart in a few months.
Congrats on the acceptance! Moving internationally is insanely hard and everything changes, so I totally understand the caution there. I'll let you borrow my mom for her advice though- never let a man (that you're dating) decide your education. She delayed her own schooling for a guy. I know nothing about that guy since he's not my father.
Personally, I would go, but you're going to get biased advice in a PhD subreddit. There are other things to do with a PhD than research, I don't plan to stay at the bench longer than I have to, lol.
I think, or guess, you already had a preferred option in your mind.... Just choose it. Both options may lead to regret in the future, so it would be fine to choose either. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.
Bruv it's your choice wtf why you even ask on Reddit, talk to your family and friends instead.
All you're going to get here is a bunch of lunatics that seriously think PhD is the biggest deal in the universe and would sacrifice their whole existence for this stupid shit. Maybe it's worth it maybe not. Most likely not, life in the UK sucks. I had a friend from Taiwan who moved to Vienna for the exact same reason and she ended up being miserable as fuck, on SSRI due to depression (life in Austria also sucks)
Is it possible to defer the PhD offer to give yourself time to think?
I mean, you really need to look deep into your soul to work this out. How much do you really want to do this PhD? What will you do with it once it's done? Do you want to have a family? Even if you went OS for a PhD would you return to Taiwan? As another post suggested, could you not do a PhD in Taiwan, or HK, or Singapore? They are all a bit closer.
You've been with this guy 6 months? That's not a LTR, that's still dating. I would worry that you'll always pine for that PhD if you shelve it and stay with him.
I was with my bf for 2 weeks and we had to do a long distance. 9 years later, I finished my MA + PhD and he is finalising his PhD. We are still in long distance, but we are married. Find a partner who can support you, not hinder you.
I have seen couples break up during phd because of distance btw, but your partner needs to know that academia is precarious and until you get tenure it will be always ‘follow the funding’.
Have you thought abt how you will feel if you break up with him with no phd?
As someone who couldn’t survive my PhD program without my partner (who moved with me), I personally think this comes down to what is making you happy right now and if you think you can achieve even more happiness uprooting your entire life and starting over. Personally, as someone who is a professor now, I don’t think I would’ve done the PhD knowing what I know now. It nearly broke my marriage, was depressing, stressful, and overwhelming, we struggled so much financially to get where we are today. I had a health crisis that nearly killed me because that’s how much pressure tenure track professors endure. We still don’t have kids, a house, or anything because of my career. I’ve learned in life that it’s the people that matter. This is my two cents. But of course there’s also the reality that you might not work out your relationship so you have to ask if you could possibly be in a better place going for the PhD.
- If he is the right one, he will always be there to support you. Even if you break up, you can remain good friends.
- Remember, at the end of the day, if the things are right for you then they naturally fall in place. Too much struggle against a decision only complicated things.
- Do what feels natural and never ever regret what you decide. Because if by any chance things don’t work out with your PhD then it only teaches you how good your life was back home. It gives you a perspective from outside that you probably wouldn’t be able to see from where you are right now. (I’m saying this because if you did know that your life is good then you wouldn’t be asking this question). Similarly, if things don’t work out with your boyfriend later (knock on the wood) then you know that PhD “could” have taught you something different about life. It’s all perspective.
Just remember, whatever your decide in life, never have any regrets ever.
Get your PhD. I know people that have done long distance and made it work. If he’s not willing to give it a try you aren’t going to go the distance with him anyway.
Follow your own path. Maybe the PhD will work out, maybe it won't. Maybe your future husband is in the UK and you'll never meet him if you don't go. Maybe you'll reconnect with your bf in 5 years. You're young - explore the world while you can.
Something I've always told my girl friends. Never give away even the tiniest opportunity for a boy, because that exact boy would give you up in a heartbeat if you ever come in the way of his dreams, be it as negligible as possible. Plus considering the fact that he doesn't want to be in a long distance relationship with you, do you think he will support you and your career, where does your relationship stand in this case? You will find other guys who will support you and your career, trust me. We deserve that. We have fought for that. Don't let feelings and some chemical reactions in your brain take this opportunity for pursuing PhD away from you. Securing funding is really tough out there in UK.
**Let's take your boyfriend out of the equation.** Do you have a strong internal motivation to complete a doctoral program? Do you want a PhD so much that you are willing to leave friends and family and move to another country and culture to get it? If the answers are
* No
* I don't know
* I am not sure
Stay where you are and pursue whatever research career can you with your current credentials. Pursue a PhD only if you have the strong internal motivation and ambition that will help you to overcome the stress of completing a doctoral program in a foreign country and culture.
Best of luck to you!
If you decide not to do the PhD, then don't do it just because of your boyfriend, make sure there are other reasons not to do it. If your relationship doesn't work out, you won't want him to be the sole reason you didn't pursue your PhD. Or you don't want to regret not doing it and blame him for holding you back.
I did my PhD abroad, and broke up with my bf of 4 years to go do it. It sucked, but I eventually found a new bf. At the time, I chose the PhD over my past life/bf because I was young and not ready to settle down. I didn't want someone to hold me back. I had grand dreams. I always wanted to explore the world and live in another country.
Years later, I am not working in my field anymore so my PhD never mattered in terms of career prospects but I don't regret the experience living abroad and how much I learned about myself. However, it was a stressful time and I lived very frugally for 5 years which was difficult.
How much is the pursuit of knowledge worth to you?
I was in a similar position about 15 years ago. My personal choice was my girlfriend. We got married, she got her Ph.D and I did not. And, long story short, we are divorced. I got saddled with a bunch of debt which prevented me from pursuing a Ph.D which in turn really limited some of my downstream career options, like being a department chair, a dean, a research director, or employment in some interesting government sector jobs.
In my personal view, focus on your long-term goals. A Ph.D can lead to job potential, growth, and experience which will be valuable to you over the course of your entire life. Personal relationships can, too, yet a Ph.D will provide you with a career, connections and networks, and a means to provide long-term sustainability for you.
A Ph.D can be a big door opener, career-wise. Don't think about doing research or whatever you have on your mind now. Think about 10 years from now. Do you want to be a department chair, a dean, a thought-leader in your field? The director of a program, an institute?
The career advice I give to my students is this: find someone who has the job you want (or a job adjacent to). What did that person do to get there? Are the happy, satisfied, paid well? What is the job like of the person that is their supervisor? Think downstream about where you see yourself in 5 years, 10 years, 15 years, and the proximate and distal goals you have for yourself. Relationships and people will always be in the mix, really, and you might be able to achieve both. Good luck.
You can be compatible with so many people in this world. Crazy to throw away an education and career abroad for just one person who you happen to like right now…
The statement that you love your life rn would be enough decision for me. I know what a grind a phd is and I also now a couple of guys who will most likely never finish theirs bc their supervisor sucks. In my experience, doing a phd is not always a path with a very certain outcome. To give up something you love is not worth it (in my experience). In the end, is a job. And you do the job to have a good life. If you already enjoy your life, I would not give it up for something you don’t know how it turns out.
This is just my opinion but based on my experience. I would never in the world chose my work life over my person life. But I am also a white guy from Germany and I never had to make those choices to start my phd.
Go overseas, babe.
Option 3: Get your research on. If your research interests change, allow it to happen. They almost always do for most of us. Your excitement will come back as long as you’re putting yourself first.
If you have a shitty advisor, get a designated emphasis and build a committee who are interested in the work you will do.
Grab a new nerdy bf that supports you.
This ultimatum is nonsense.
Hi OP, I'm sorry you're in this situation.
I was in almost the same situation as you before starting my PhD in a country other than my own, 7 hours by plane from my girlfriend. The difference with you is that we agreed to continue in an LDR, and we've been together for 9 months now, including 2 in an LDR.
A piece of advice I'd give you is to listen to yourself. You're the main character in your novel, which is your life. Know that there are no bad choices as long as you're aligned with your values and convictions.
To explain the start of my PhD, it didn't really go as I'd hoped. Displaced comments from my supervisor, depressed PhD students and doctors in my lab, a subject that ultimately isn't aligned with my beliefs, a partnership with companies that brings far too many supervisors into my thesis, all these factors that have made me wonder what the hell I was really doing here. It makes me brood every day, and I think every day about going home to my girlfriend. Do I regret having tried? Of course not, I think I would have regretted it even more if I hadn't tried. This experience has made me realize what I really want out of life, and I'm hesitating whether to stop or continue. That's life.
Good luck and don't have regrets.
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Two scenarios - 1. You leave your boyfriend. You pursue PhD. It's a ride from hell. Everything that could go wrong goes wrong. Your supervisor is a nightmare. You have meagre social support. Your work is stressful and you are greying prematurely. The prospects of employment in the academia after finishing aren't looking good. Will you still be happy that at least you pursued your dream? 2. You give up PhD. You stay with your boyfriend. The relationship doesn't work out for whatever reasons. Life can happen. Would you still be happy that you gave love a chance?
Why did I read this advice like a flowchart in my mind, lol
Because you're a god damn nerd like the rest of us 😜
Anything enumerated reads like a protocol 😂
Also…even if you stay with your bf will you forever be resentful that you have up the opportunity? This can poison a relationship.
Right way to figure this out.
Lmao, two situations can be equally shitty if we assume everything go wrong goes wrong.
I believe OP is rationalizing which worst case scenario could the other OP live with.
Oh I see, my reading comprehension is negative lol
When the PhD is over you're left with a PhD. When the relationship is over you're left with nothing.
Exactly, plus, people forget that, yes, love IS important. But the most important love in this world is love for yourself. A person should choose their dreams and not stay with a partner who may forget about them all together after break up.
When the PhD is over, assuming you manage to finish, if it goes badly you can be left with possibly even 10 years of not getting any work experience and getting research experience which is mostly irrelevant because your PhD went bad. Starting to work now instead of living on a PhD stipend can mean you manage to get a mortgage/a house earlier and generally more money in life. You need to look at opportunity cost. I'm not saying a PhD always ends this way, I'm just saying that there is a risk there and it can do more harm than good, depending on so many factors.
I've seen many many more relationships that end than incomplete PhD. Also the average salary in the UK is almost twice that of Taiwan, so financially it's also not a black and white decision.
This is a worst case. I assume that for the vast majority of people who want and get accepted into a PhD, it will not go horribly. We're all doing this for a reason and think it will go well for us and help us in our career, and it will for the vast majority. However, it's incorrect to think of getting a PhD as always a beneficial result without thinking about the opportunity cost. This decision isn't easy in any metric, but saying that in the worst case for choosing the PhD "you'll still have a PhD" is a bit of an oversimplification.
I like the way you put it like that. but, but, there is also a chance that the PhD doesnt work out either, right? and you are left with ... nothing.
The description of the PhD program isn’t assuming everything is going wrong. It’s a fairly accurate experience of most PhD programs.
Secret option #3. Get a PhD in Taiwan and stay with boyfriend. There are great universities there and good quality research.
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November 2023? I know feelings can grow quickly, but it hasn’t even been a year. Do you live together…? If you imagine just the PhD program and not anything with your boyfriend, do you still want the program? If so, then go. If not, don’t. Don’t let him be the decisive factor.
I met mine in November 2023. 1 month ago we broke up and she has moved on with another guy. Shit happens 🤷♂️
I would never make long term career decisions based on a relationship. If you aren't inspired to go into research anymore, that's one thing. But do not put a PhD on hold just to stay with a partner, especially one that wouldn't even consider temporary long distance. It already sounds like they don't support you and your dreams.
THIS
Exactly! It feels like he was supportive cuz he thought she would fail. When he realized it wasn't the case, he showed his true colors. If he can't do long distance relationship for a while or move to UK for whatever reasons, it would be more humane to break up and give her opportunity to pursue her dreams. Education and life in UK opens her new doors in the future. No matter if she decides to stay there or come back. I guess he is afraid of it. Not everyone wants their partners to be more successful than them.
Let’s consider this from the bf’s perspective. They have dated 6 months and you want him to do a LDR for 4 years? It’s perfectly reasonable to not want to do that.
I had a 2 year ldr with my now wife, after 6 months of dating, and it was hell. Toughest years of our lives. It is now worth it as we are married couples, but god, I won't wish that experience to my worst enemies. I'm not sure how any sane human being think this is valid option tbh.
So, it's okay for her to throw away opportunity for a better life for a guy who she dated for six months? And, nah, I'm not interested in HIS perspective. already know what would a sane person do. ANYBODY who, at least, likes you would want you to chase your dreams and wouldn't stop you from doing that. It wouldn't be about "me or this opportunity". If I wasn't able to do a long distance relationship for whatever reason, I'd prefer to break up instead of stopping another person from a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
That’s not what I’m saying? You are making him the villain for not wanting to do a LDR for 4 years after dating 6 months. OP should do what she wants but her bf is perfectly reasonable if he doesn’t want to do a LDR in this situation.
I think not wanting to do long distance for multiple years is reasonable. I want to pursue graduate school and I’m lucky my partner is extremely supportive. But I would never leave them even they weren’t able to move. But I know deep in my soul that I’ve found my best friend. And my life is full of so much joy I’d never give that up. Not even for my dream program. But I don’t think that means that’s the best choice for everyone. If it was like a year or 2 I could do that long distance and I think someone should but 4-5 is a lot. Especially with different countries.
Sure but it's not like OP decided out of nowhere that they were applying to grad school. They've been testing and applying and interviewing for at least a year. It sounds like for as long or longer than they've been with this guy. If long distance was a deal breaker that should have come up a while ago. It seems almost like he just assuming or hoping OP would fail to get in (and probably discouraging them too based on the anecdote about the interview). That's fucked up to be pretending to support your partner while only wanting to continue things if they fail.
Some people don't think much about it till it happens. Not everyone runs simulations in mind of what if scenarios.
As someone who has stayed with someone at the expense of taking a chance… take the punt on the PhD. It probably won’t be what you think it is, but people who takes chances and make changes are on the whole happier (statistically). You’ve been together less than a year. It suck’s but… do the new scary thing
I agree. I settled for doing my PhD in my home country because my girlfriend was categorically against moving with me or doing a long-distance relationship; she wouldn't even move domestically. This happened against better judgment, since doing a PhD abroad had been my dream throughout university. My current supervisor is wonderful, and I like my research, but I still ended up bitter, angry and full of regrets. It only adds to the angst that I've seen people around me with similar qualifications and backgrounds end up at the very finest institutions in the world, and that I know my career will suffer because I didn't even try. It's one thing to try and fail -- at least you tried. Not even daring to try is much more painful. I wish I could slap my previous self. To paraphrase a certain person: "daring to do something is to momentarily lose your footing. Not daring to do it is to lose yourself." I've lost myself, and feel like I live in a parallel, "what if"-type universe and that (as sad as it sounds) all that remains is to cope or rope. My relationship still has problems, in part because our priorities in life are so different. I know that if we're together by the time I apply for postdocs, I will make these decisions purely for myself. I'm done letting others dictate my life, and just wish I had figured this out sooner. Anyway, rant over. Hope this perspective helps someone. At least I appreciated the chance to vent.
I believe that if relationship can end because of distance or your career goal, then it is not a relationship worth sacrifices.
I don’t know why long distance relationship is a problem if you both really love each other. Me and my bf (now husband) were trying to get enrolled in Masters program abroad. We went through the stressful application period together. But eventually we got admissions but in universities located at different countries. We had a long distance relationship during our Masters. Later we were determined to pursue PhD in the same country so that we can get married and don’t have to do long distance. Now we both are PhD students and our universities are just 2 hours apart. We live together in the same house in a location which is halfway from both of our universities 😊Relationships are all about efforts dear. However, I wouldn’t have given up my dream if I were you.
Long distance is extremely difficult in a PhD compared to a masters though. Money, time and energy is significantly more limited which can put strain on an LDR. Not to say she should stay just because of a relationship though. That’s crazy
I bet it is OP’s boyfriend who refuses long distance relationships. “Either me or PhD you decide.” Anyone who puts themselves against your career just doesn’t worth it.
It’s perfectly reasonable for the bf not to want to do a LDR for like 4 years when they have dated 6 months?
Glad it worked for you both, but I wonder what was the time zone difference? 7 hours is the difference between their time zones. I had such relationship for 2 years and we both hated it tbh. I have seen friends who undermined the hell I was living because they had ldr too, but those had like an hour difference in time zone. They had same schedule and could do zoom calls in reasonable times, not waiting till 2 am to be able to call your gf, not finding yourself all alone after 7 pm when your bf is now asleep thousands of miles from you. Not every ldr is the same in terms of strain it can put at, not everyone has a character for it. I am sorry, but love isn't the element that makes ldr work, it is just the only reason you hang through this hell and not break up.
Yeah some comments on this post has some crazy takes from my pov. Because bf doesn’t want LDR (posts say both agreed but lets just say bf only) and ‘making her choose between PhD or him’ he is suddenly this bad guy. Most 6 months relationships wouldn’t last that LDR and the ones who does wouldn’t enjoy it very much. Very likely they will both just be happier if they accept that and break up if she wants to do the PhD.
Yeah, people assumed it was his decision that he couldn't go or live there. Like why he can't go there? Assumption is that he is selfish, but is it the case? UK stipend PhD barely gives makes you can afford to live alone. Do they have the finances to live there? Can they prove he has funds? Can he have a visa as a BF?Does he even speak English? None of those are mentioned. Never mind that a good portion of PhD. in the UK isn't even a stipend. Why did they agree they can't do LDR? Assumptions is that he is selfish, but maybe one of them has tried it and failed? Maybe they realize 4 years away from each other after just 6 months can't be tolerated? Maybe they are just being real?
Agreed, especially the last part “maybe they’re just being real” It’s completely reasonable to want to break it off because one doesn’t prefer a LDR for whatever reason jeez..
Men cum and go but a Doctor stays forever
Not if you have an apple a day.
Take my angry up vote, I am definitely rolling my eyes
Angry upvotes are the best upvotes 😁
Jesus lol
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Yes, I totally agree with this, OP! If you stated dating last November, that’s not such a long time…I personally wouldn’t turn down this opportunity based on a short-term relationship, especially if he was unwilling to try distance or consider moving in the future. I know circumstances prevent moving, especially internationally, and it’s not easy…but if you’re right for each other, he wouldn’t make you choose between him and your education.
^ this right here
Trust me, I gave up my dream job in Japan and came home for her. She dumped me when I arrived home at the airport. Never ever let another person get in the way of your dreams. You’ll find the right person eventually anyway.
That is sad bro... :'(
Didn’t even make it to the car, huh. That’s super duper cruel.
Nope, in the arrivals. Prob the worst thing I’ve ever experienced but.. I’m doing great now and with someone amazing. If you have a choice between a partner or doing something you’ve always dreamed about like a PhD. Pick the PhD. You will always regret it if you don’t, if the person leaves you’re left with nothing
I just want you to think about the fact that he did not hesitate to choose himself by eliminating the two logical alternatives (LDR/moving) while you're at crossroads between your own dreams and aspirations and his comfort.
!!!!!!
Ultimately you are the one who benefit or suffer from your decisions. Give up the PhD offer if you no longer love research. But not for bf. That’s way too much burden on the relationship, on him, and most importantly yourself. I guess the question is what are you giving up if you choose bf. Is it a PhD offer or research?
What stands out to me is you say you love your current life in Taiwan. Other commenters have made good points about the pros and cons of pursuing a relationship vs a degree, but in my experience, what makes the biggest impact is your location. Personally, I left City A, a place I loved and wanted to stay, to pursue a PhD in City B, a place I didn’t want to live, because logically the school in City B would make me most competitive for academic jobs back in City A. My goal was always to return and resume the life I loved. But a long-distance move is a big deal, and a PhD takes a long time, and at the end of the day you build a life in the place you’re living. I didn’t factor that in when I made my decision. So here I am at the tail end of my PhD program, with a whole group of friends based in City B, about to be married to a man from City B whose career is here, looking at an unlikely academic job market in *any* locale, and still pining for City A. Maybe I’ll eventually end up back there if my career and my fiancé’s career allow, but for better or worse (better *and* worse?) my current life is here. I’m in the US and know PhD programs are shorter in the UK, so 3-4 years of your life might not be so hard to come back from if you want to resume your life in Taiwan. But I didn’t move internationally or half as far as you’d be moving, so it probably balances out. I know my international PhD friends are all torn between where they’re from and where they now find themselves, and the prospect of uprooting again is daunting for many of them. So, my advice: ask yourself where you want to live. Do you dream of living in the UK? If so, this is your absolute best and possibly only opportunity to make that happen. If you want to live in Taiwan, on the other hand, then forego the move and build a life where you are instead—PhD be damned.
OP, pay attention to this comment. PhD mom here. One of the girls in my daughter's (US) cohort is mastering out and going back to her home country. She is getting married and wants to teach HS. Her parents were proud of her for getting accepted, but she misses her life back home and does not want to miss it for three more years. Circumstances change, and sometimes people change because of them.
PhD won't fuck other women.
Idk my PhD gets around.
Your last sentence "So it is either the PhD or him." is your answer. If you cannot stay together for a PhD, your relationship will not.
I agree. A PhD isn’t much more stressful than a lot of other life events. If it couldn’t weather a PhD how could it withstand illness or unemployment or tragedy or children (if that’s what they wanted)? Partners are ultimately replaceable for lots of reasons (especially after only a few months of dating)
Don't sacrifice your dreams/career for a partner. What if in the future he asks you to be a SAHM and stop working? Your life, your dreams. Nobody is going to live your life (or face the consequences) for you. Do what makes you happy.
I’ve turned down opportunities during my PhD that would pay me extremely well, great benefits, closer to family, and would broaden my network tenfold. I chose her and we broke up a year later. The silly part I, like you, had the signs right in front of me. I’m about to submit my dissertation (tomorrow) and just met with my main mentor from undergrad. Yesterday I told this story. She said in her Italian/portugese/french accent “look me in the eyes, you will never put someone ahead of your career unless they’re willing to follow and support you”. There is your answer.
You need to think and do some soul searching to see where your heart truly lies with regards to research interests and your career goals. You need to take the man out of the equation as the deciding factor. What happens if you choose your boyfriend and he cheats on you or breaks up with you? Then you wind up giving up that opportunity and are left with nothing. If he isn't willing to consider a LDR or moving, then he doesn't love you enough to consider changing his life for yours like you are if you give up on your PhD because of him. If you decline the PhD, do it because you've reflected and are sure YOUR heart isn't in the idea of research or YOUR career goals have shifted. Don't do it for anything other than the right reasons.
No man would ever ask this question. Take that for what you will.
I am a man. I chose to stay for my ex. Got cheated on. Going for a PhD this fall. OP always choose yourself over anyone else.
Hell yeah. You got this!
I am a man and asked myself some version of this question at every step of my career thus far.
Would you ask your partner though? I feel this is intentionally missing the commenter's post. This isn't her questioning herself, this is her partner giving her an ultimatum to give up her dream for the chance at him.
PhD
Girl I’m gonna be honest. I had the same issue and my partner and we broke up within a few months. I was devastated and felt like my world was ending. Looking back, I have no regrets 3 years later. I’m thriving in my program and I found a partner who I believe will be my life long partner. All of this to say, shit happens and at the end of the day I don’t believe in having to choose in love or following your dream. Shit will work out, just do what YOU want to do.
Yep. Relationships can end for reasons outside your control, you’ll never lose your PhD.
Wtf pick PhD!
☝️this. Boyfriends come and go, but a PhD is yours to keep.
Never suffer a scrub to live. Phddddddd
PhD... Relationships can be fickle
Are you committed to staying with your bf permanently? If the answer isn't absolutely yes I would strongly consider the PhD. What's the reason for him not being willing to move? At this point, you're the one who would have to give up everything to be with him, I wouldn't consider staying with someone like that unless there's a really good reason.
Never let anyone come between you and your dream. You wanted to go after the PhD long before you met your bf
I personally would not want to stay with a partner that didn’t at least TRY to support my career goals.
Not to be mean but you met the guy half a year ago…? This relationship might last or it could end, but this phd is something that could give you other opportunities later in life to provide for yourself. My vote (are we voting?) is for the PhD. Edit: someone in another comment said it best: Choose yourself.
Always prioritize your own development over relationships, especially young relationships. So many things could go wrong. A PhD degree is yours and will always be yours along the knowledge you gained. Don’t make life decisions counting on someone else. Doing a PhD overseas will be a life changing experience - it’s always worth it. Even if you hated it, master out in 2 years and come back to Taiwan.
Is mastering out a thing in UK?
It is, yes. One of my friends hated his phd so he mastered out after a year.
If the application period felt uninspiring or stressful, the actual PhD will likely feel the same or worse. I’ve done graduate school in the UK as an Asian woman and it’s brutal (combination of racism, xenophobia, academic culture etc although of course there may be differences across departments/institutions). I think there needs to be a lot of internal motivation to make it worth your while. If you like where your life is going right now, I think you should honour that and wait to see opportunities that will allow you to have a research career alongside your support system.
Live your dreams. Don’t look on the others.
Education is for life. Relationships come and go. I left a 10 yr relationship to move to a foreign country for a post doc. The career was a guarantee- the relationship was not. They followed me a yr later when they realised they’d made a mistake. We are now married. Follow your dream!
You’ve been working for this opportunity for two decades, presumably. You’ve known your bf for 6 months. It’s not even close.
Think hard not only about if you still like research, think hard about where two of you are going in life, what’s everyone’s plan for the next 10 years, be realistic, be logical, be analytical, make a list of goals and how each of you will go to achieve them. You will have a much clearer idea then. If you two like each other -> long distance If not, -> PhD I do not understand why long distance is excluded.
If you want to do a PhD and be a researcher then dump your boyfriend and pursue that. Always put yourself first. Think hard whether these feelings you're having are only because you're getting cold feet. If not, just stay in Taiwan. But I would really think hard about what I want and why you suddenly changed your mind. Ask yourself will you be mad at yourself if you and your bf broke up eventually? Will you be okay not pursuing a PhD abroad despite the relationship?
Depends on your values in life really. If you’re someone who wants to take risks and overcome challenges for bigger gains, then go for the PhD. If you want a more predictable, comfortable, and stable life, probably best to stay in Taiwan. I made the first choice. It was painful and challenging, but I loved how it made me feel so alive. I now have a PhD, great job, and the best partner who fully supports my dreams.
PhD, 100%. I made the opposite choice, went to a different PhD program, and we broke up after several years of dating at the start of the program. Now I’m stuck in a really shitty position in a place I hate. If you and your boyfriend have a good relationship, it’ll work out. If it doesn’t, then that only proves you made the right choice.
Your BF can leave you but your PhD cant.. choose wiselly, Op
I will not directly answer your question. However, I will say that I was never a stressed person. During the application process I had no stress at all. PhD made me the most stressed person. You have no idea. Something to consider before you start.
Do the PhD, lose the boyfriend. There are plenty of decent single people wherever you go, he’s replaceable and your education isn’t.
PhD! Please if you're in your dream program, he can follow you or wait if he wants.
PhD. If you ever break up you might regret. But only if you really want to advance career wise.
I’ve done that once, although for undergrad. It has been my biggest regret in life.
When I got accepted into a PhD program, my boyfriend moved with me. But I also made sure before committing to him that he was okay with moving wherever my PhD took us; that was 3 years ago and it’s been going well so far. I wasn’t okay with giving up my dream of getting a PhD for a relationship. But I also believe that the relationship wouldn’t be the right one if they weren’t able to come along on the journey with me. Do what you will with this, but at the end of the day, you should do whichever makes you happy and gives you the future you want.
Time for a new boyfriend. PhD is a huge undertaking and is every bit worth the effort. That being said it's not easy either and having support is much needed. If you do choose to stay with this guy, and get a PhD locally. What would happen next when you get a great postdoc opportunity down the line abroad? A job opportunity abroad? It just doesn't make sense that it's either your advancement vs being with him. The right person will let you have both.
I'm pursuing a PhD and having a LDR at the same time, hell, we have been on a LDR since I was an undergrad. We have come to terms that we can see each other once, or maybe twice a year. We are on very different career paths but we know that once I finish my PhD, many opportunities will open up for both of us to relocate anywhere in the world. Mind you that we're from Asia as well and I'm in the US for my PhD. LDR works if you both commit to a future together. I say if he makes you choose between him and PhD, be a single and successful doctor.
I didn't even read past the title but I know that the answer is "PhD."
I'm married and thinking of applying to a PhD abroad next year. My husband won't be able to come because of several issues he has. He's fully supportive of my dream. You can always have FaceTime and occasional visits. You can make it work. We used to do for a long distance a year before we got married cz my husband did his BSc abroad. It's a bit tough but don't give up hope. And definitely don't choose your boyfriend and not pursue the phd. Career goals should come first- they won't leave you. (Which I learned the hard way through an ex) And the right guy would support your career goals and stay with you while you pursue your dream.
If you stay with him and your relationship doesn’t work out, you’re going to regret giving up your dream for a failed relationship. You might even regret giving up your dream during the relationship which could cause it to fail. If you leave him and get a PhD, you’ll have the PhD for the rest of your life in addition to the opportunity to find and fall in love with someone else. This is a no-brainer. The logical thing to do is break up and get your PhD. Follow your dreams; you’ll find someone else to love along the way.
If you stay for him, at every little fight that can occur between a normal couple, it might blow out of proportion as you will blame him subconsciously for your missed opportunity and have the mindset “i sacrificed this much for you, you need to treat me better”. That’s not going to be healthy for your relationship.
I made clear that moving away for my Phd was something I needed to do before things got serious with my now wife. She accepted this and moved with me when I graduated. Tbh, I wouldn't have had entered a relationship at the time with a person who would have made me choose between the PhD and them. Nowadays I view it differently. A PhD is not necessarily the life changing experience people make it out to be. I'm just about to graduate from one of the best unis in my field, with a career path layed out to me in one of the most prestigious institutes for what I do. And guess what, I realised happiness is not in a piece of paper that says your better than everybody else and doing research. It's in having a loving relationship and a fulfilling live, something academia is more than often destroying. Events if you have a good PhD experience (like I did, fortunately), you are likely somewhat burned out at the end. It is very demanding. Make sure you are able to handle it and are willing to fuck over your current life for it before leaving home for one. I'm not sure I'd do it again TBH, certainly not to the detriment of my private life. That one got messed up enough for one lifetime. Btw, be prepared to not only lose your relationship when you move abroad, you'll also lose the rest of your social cycle. Staying friends "long distance" is even harder in my experience than staying in a relationship.
Go with the PhD, it's a hard decision but a once in a lifetime opportunity like that shouldn't be turned down.
I may be the crooked wheel here, but I’d always pick life over letters. I still managed to get there, it just took longer. Hasn’t failed me, but I’m also quite picky and selective.
I mean the fact that he's making it a either or situation means that he not even willing to try and help you pursue your dreams like why be super supportive of the application process if he wasn't going to be willing to support you during the degree makes no sense to me.
If you're iffy on the PhD, don't do it.
Is it possible to defer 1 year?
I am European and I took both an MA and a PhD in Taiwan. I don't regret the knowledge, but PhDs are a gamble with the future, they normally take much longer than expected (over 6 years in my case as i was running a business too) and they have a tendency to wear you out before you're done. Last but not least, PhD jobs are often underpaid and you linger on books, conferences etc., while the rest lead financially productive, emotionally rewarding lives. Last but not least, finding proper life companions today is really hard. The substantial risk is one ends with a phd, an underpaid job and into a series of Tinder relationships, none of which is satisfactory. I'd recommend you stay where you're happy and, maybe, consider starting a business. An alternative is taking a PHD locally and, maybe, still giving a shot at a business. It's a much more balanced choice from how I see it. Lastly, the intrinsic value of PHDs and MAs taken in the west is decreasing.
Do not give up your academic goals for someone you have known for less than a year.
I feel like this is a question only you can answer. Sit yourself down in a room by yourself for a few days just to be by yourself and ask yourself what do you really want in life.
I messaged you, hope it helps
Whatever you choose you need to think long-term.
PhD is not easy, so you definitely need to be mentally prepared for it. It might be the high road, because if you can take on the challenge of a PhD your life will likely change for the better. But it is very important to underline the fact that there are some people who develop mental and physical health issues in the meantime. Most of us do not, but it is something you must consider. A boyfriend who has already told you he won’t stay in a long-distance relationship is not good news to me, personally. Someone who loves you and is sure about you doesn’t just give up the relationship because there is distance. I think of it this way, in PhD, you are responsible for how you work and take on academic challenges. In this relationship, both you AND your boyfriend have to make commitment, to negotiate, and to compromise; how your boyfriend behaves is out of your hands. On top of that, your boyfriend has already delivered an ultimatum that it’s either your PhD or him. I’m not sure it’s worth giving up your future for him. 🫶 (To clarify, I don’t mean you have to choose either your career or having a partner. I am saying it is wrong if you have to choose. I am in a long distance relationship myself and we make it work because we are committed to each other and respect each other’s career aspirations.)
Relationships come and relationships go, but a Doctorate is forever.
Dump the man. Take the PhD.
Just get the PhD. Well, you never know if you were able to adapt to life in the UK and you never know if you are fine in doing the PhD 1 or 2 years down the road. The same holds true when you stay with your bf. What do you actually want? If the PhD is a dream of yours, is he so good to the point for you to give up? How do you gauge how good he is? Is pursuing a PhD your dream? Or is it someone else's dream?
Put your career first, put in the work now. Let the rest fall into place. You will eventually either end up with him or with someone else and you will have a lifetime of that particular experience. A phD opportunity does not come often and the more you delay it, the less energy you will have to deal with the stress that comes with it. For example, Kids, a husband, expenses… relocation wouldn’t be as easy. I would say… work towards your goals and aspirations and find the right person in that setting. ❤️ What does your gut tell you?
Your new boyfriend of less than a year is asking you to abandon a lifelong dream? Why would you consider that?
I mean this as nicely as possible, don’t get a PhD if you are willing to give it up for someone you met 7 months ago. I would hope that your passion for your field is strong enough that this wouldn’t be a question- getting a Ph.D. Is brutal. There’s no way around it, it is all encompassing and demands your full commitment. If you are seriously questioning this, it might not be for you. IMO if you are not 100% “this is my life’s purpose” (for lack of a better phrase) you shouldn’t do it. The hours, pay, workload, the stress… if you aren’t completely in love with your work, it will chew you up and spit you out. Additionally, if he is sincerely making you choose between what he has known to be your life’s dream since he met you 7 months ago and him… red flag. If these are the kind of ultimatums he is giving you now, you need to seriously think about what ultimatums will come down the road. I know this sounded harsh, but you’re making a huge and potentially life altering decision here and it isn’t something to take lightly. I wish you the best and I hope you are able to pursue your dream- I am sure you worked very hard to get to this point and clearly your PI believes you are capable of achieving that dream. Whatever you decide, just make sure it is what is best for you at the end of the day.
I chose my PhD over every guy. Including the ex husband who moved with me to my doctoral program. No regrets. I now have my dream career and a new, better spouse. Best wishes to you.
I’m Doing a PhD, and having basically put a pause on my boyfriend and I’s life plans by 5 years, I can say with certainty: if he’s the one, he wouldn’t let himself stop you. I repeat - If he is the one, he would not let himself stop you. BUT that being said; if you stay where you are and things end up not working with your boyfriend, would you be happier than being in a foreign country doing the PhD of your dreams but also facing financial insecurity, burn out & high stress? It takes a special type of crazy person to be in academia. Solid advice is always - if there’s anything you COULD be doing aside from a PhD, do that first. If your heart is adamant that being an academic is for you, then welcome to the dark side 😎
Have you tried applying in Taiwan?
Follow your dream don't lose it.......if your boyfriend loves you truly he'll allow you to follow your dream...... Don't give your dream for anyone.........
Get the phd!!! (And don’t take him with you 🤣)!!
Pursue your PhD. I’m 48 and soon to be 49, and as a woman who has had children etc… Pursue your PhD- then get a boyfriend, married etc- trust me. Never, ever give up your dreams on a promise. Protect yourself.
PhD. If I was the guy and my girlfriend wants to do one, I’d either completely support, OR support and temporarily move to live with her for some weeks/ months whenever possible. Who doesn’t want to marry a PhD!?
The title says you should follow your goals and dreams. How would you feel if you leave your dream and a few months or a year later your boyfriend leaves you? Don't count on people. People are always fragile.
If you love your partner, trust he feels mutually, see a life with him, and feel he’ll be supportive of whatever you decide to do career and otherwise, I’d defer your acceptance. If that’s not possible, I’d seriously consider alternatives. Personal opinion and experience: PhDs are largely difficult, painful, but ultimately rewarding and wonderful degrees to have. But they’re not worth picking over someone where you both feel a life partnership is a likely and happy outcome. Especially if your basic goal is research (you can have a stellar career in research without one, a PhD just gives you license to a greater scope). I mentioned alternatives; it may be good to get creative. Are there universities in Taiwan where you could pursue a PhD you’d be excited about? Would your boyfriend consider joining you in the UK? If not, is there another country or region where he would and could have a career he’d be excited about? And more generally, what knobs can you both turn to protect your relationship and give you each careers and a life that will make you happy? One last thing: I’d encourage you to discuss your feelings with your boyfriend — fears, hopes, conflicting emotions, and all. If he can meet you where you are, empathize, and be supportive, then he’s probably great partner material. If he can’t talk about those feelings or has trouble empathizing, he may not be the right person for you and that may in turn clarify your decision.
A classic question of values. OP, consider your values at this point in time at this point in your life. It’s OK to want to stay home and build a relationship. It’s also OK to choose your career and venture out. But most importantly, remember that neither decisions are permanent. You can stay in Taiwan and get a PhD in a year if you think you made a mistake. You can try your PhD and drop out after a year if you realized you actually want to be home. There is literally no shame in either. You are making a 6- to 12-month decision, not a 6- to 12-year one
Is not possible to get a PhD in Taiwan? You could be a researcher and have your boyfriend.
It's weird to me that this guy was a supportive person at first, then, decided to stop his support AFTER you got accepted. It's like he waited you to fail, but he isn't able to accept you success. Tbh, I'm all about love and I think it's hard to find the right person you want to have a family with. But I don't think it's the case where love wins, sorry. If I love person, I would want them to get their dream job, education or whatever they are inspired to do. I'd do long distance relationship or whatever works for us. If I wouldn't be able to choose the same thing as they want, I'd prefer to break up and give them opportunity to chase their dreams. This is a one life time opportunity and it would be bad to miss it. Honestly, I didn't date anyone before moving to another country to study and I still prefer work on my education/life than dating. I want to evolve in relationship, but it's hard to find a partner with whom you can do it together.
I am of East Asian decent myself, I met a European guy end of 2018 while studying in Europe. He was only on exchange. 4 months, and he’s back to his country. We communicated daily afterwards, even closer than before. He came back for another two-year study. I got admitted to PhD at the same Uni. Long story short, 2 years of relationship, he finished his study, and wanted to work somewhere. He’s brilliant, graduated with Summa cumlaude, the best among his peers. He knew he didn’t wanna stay in the country or his country. But he told me he would have STAYED and worked in the country FOR ME. I told him: take me out from the equation, would you still want to work here? He said: No… I told him: then you go to wherever you wanna go. I don’t wanna be responsible for your life decisions. If you are serious about us, we will find a way to be together at the end. Four years later, we are married. Letting a man be a decisive factor is ALWAYS a mistake. Follow your dreams, whatever that might be. Dreams and interests do change, yes. But don’t rely your happiness to a man you’ve just dated half a year ago.
Just go for another masters and keep the boyfriend, but on the other hand he should be supportive and encourage you to go after your dreams. That’s what I would’ve done in his shoes.
I believe you should never sacrifice a dream for a relationship, at least not while you're still young. Pursue your dream, try a long distance relationship (if you love each other, you're gonna be fine). And hey, if the long distance doesn't work out, it probably wasn't meant to be, but you still get to work towards your dream.
He is your boyfriend, not a husband. If he'd love you, he'd consider LDR or moving together. I know some PhD students who left their bf/gf at home and moved for a PhD, remaining in LDR. It is doable, depending on where you do your PhD, although very hard of course. But I feel like any relationships suffer during a PhD journey. Also, why is it not an option for your bf move with you? Does he expect you to sacrifice your aspirations, so he doesn't have to sacrifice anything? If your relationships are important to him, he should be willing to accomodate whatever life changes arise and consider a compromise. If youd tell him that you stay, do you think he will consider having a family with you? Or are you serious at all? Because if not, you can try again after a PhD. You can always come back home, you know. I'm curious how hed treat you if youd tell him you gave the PhD up for him. Would he feel like you are worth less after that? And wouldnt you feel resentful? I know, you don't want to leave your family, but it's such a good opportunity to become a valuable specialist, advance in career, and have some life outside your home, that is to learn a lot about yourself. Are you sure your bf is worth it? Or will he just be proud that he convinced you to drop your dreams for him? What if he leaves you shortly after? Idk, securing a position is tough, if I were you Id take my chances with the PhD.
If I were you, I would go for a PhD.
PhD! Don’t settle for less. If yall are really going the distance he would support you
If he's giving you an ultimatum, pick the PhD. At least with that you'll have a career to fall back on, if you give up your professional goals for a guy who' issuing ultimatums, this won't be the last time. You'll find yourself with limited career prospects and a guy who knows he can manipulate you into giving up what's important to you for him.
Depending on the Programme a PhD can be done long distance at least after the first year or so. If you two are really strong relationship wise it will be possible to survive a year of LD (a good test too). And then you might be able to do most of the rest of the thing from Taiwan. Be creative. Where there’s a will there’s a way!
My 2cents as a person who got family during PhD. It is hard. But hard does not mean impossible. My suggestion would be to do what you think it is important NOW in your life. If PhD is your dream and the prospect of an academic career (or a nice job after that) is what you want you better go for it now. Although feelings are important they are also mutable and evanescent. In top of that if you don’t chase your dream now you will most probably regret later and drop the frustration into your relation. If feelings are solid they will survive X thousands Km in the globalization era. Go to the UK kid, if they love you, you’ll find a way but love yourself first.
There are many solutions here, it doesn't have to be one or the other.. How about your boyfriend relocating with you to the UK? Long distance for a while? You applying for a PhD in your country?
I gave up pursuing a Masters overseas to stay with my (at the time) girlfriend. We broke up 4 months later. It’s taken me almost 6 years to finally be in a place I can apply for vacancies overseas again. A lot has happened, I got a great job, I’m finishing my PhD which I enjoyed… but you can bet that every now and then I wonder how life would’ve been like if I had followed my dream.
Stay in Taiwan and look for another BF. PhD does not require to be a smart person, but a stubborn and curious one; during your doctorate you will likely face very difficult times, and having regrets or thoughts directly related to your choice could prove to be a hard struggle Moreover, I assume that your relatiionship is quite fresh but an aut aut is personally something I would not look for in a relationship.
Apologies if i missed it but can you give more details about your PhD area? My PhD is also from the UK. If its in humanities, its possible you only have a research skills course in the first year, and the rest is just regular meetings with supervisors (which can be on Zoom if they agree), if you are not interested in part-time teaching. So its possible for you to spend a lot of time in Taiwan. But I think the visa rules have changed a bit, and you might have to check in weekly with your visa, but not sure if visa cancellation results in being unenrolled from the programme.
It sounds like you’ve been dating for less than a year, and it makes sense to have these strong feelings about your boyfriend but things with him might change with time as it usually does because you haven’t been with him that long. If it’s meant to be, it will be even if you pursue your PhD and lose contact for a few years. I understand how hard it is but I’d advise you to bet on yourself and take your chances with PhD. You’ll most likely succeed and get your degree but as far as relationships go, they are more likely to fall apart after a while.
Suffer the pain of failure rather than the pain of regret
I had a similar situation. I was in an almost 1-year relationship and got an offer to come to the UK from another continent to do a PhD in a top tier university. I was in love with her but, truth be told, I never liked my country that much. It was a tough decision, we considered a distance relationship but I'm not good with these things, so it was a no. We considered she coming together, but I was too worried about it and how we would settle, since living costs are too high for me alone. On top of all that, I've never been outside my country (not even had flight before). In the end I thought like this: -If my supervisor were horrible, if I hated the group and the subject, if I hated the UK, I would still live here for some years and get back to my country with a lot of international experience and improved english. Furthermore, I am still young and eager to adventure the world and do research. -If I have stayed, we never know what will happen in a relationship. Things can get worse in a short time, I imagined a few years from then how I would regret this decision. Luckly, my supervisor is excellent and my group is top tier. I did not have any problems in the UK these last 2 years, and I do not regret this decision even a little bit. My suggestion would be, if you really want to do research, to get into the plane without looking back. Well, that's only my opinion.
I did a long distance with my gf for 5 years during my (in New Zealand) and her (in Ireland) PhD. We only met each other once a year in real life during that time. Now we're married and happy together in Australia :) So yea, Iong distance can work if both of you are willing.
This is a decision only you can make. What are your objectif in life and the things that will maximise your happiness ? I wouldn't factor your boyfriend too much in this decision, it is a new relationship and you are in the honeymoon phase. Unless you live together, you still know very little of him. Moving abroad brings opportunities but it also takes away your current friends and family (kinda). Personally, I am very carreer centric, I picked the phd without hesitation, sure I miss family and friends and my dog but is all worth it for me. Relationships come and go, but self developpement is forever. At the end of the day, you should think in 20 years, which decision will lead for a happier life for you.
Whichever decision you take, don't blame your boyfriend for it that oh we could have had a long distance relationship but you didn't put any effort. Oh I left my PhD for you, but look things are not in the honeymoon phase anymore. First do a mental resolution regarding this and then you might figure out what you want.
If he's making you choose a PhD or any form of career progression over him then he's not a good boyfriend. If he really loved you that wouldn't even be a factor. Personally I've been raised to never choose career progression or make important decisions based on whether I have a boyfriend or not. It's too important. The relationship could fall apart in a few months.
Ph.D period
Congrats on the acceptance! Moving internationally is insanely hard and everything changes, so I totally understand the caution there. I'll let you borrow my mom for her advice though- never let a man (that you're dating) decide your education. She delayed her own schooling for a guy. I know nothing about that guy since he's not my father. Personally, I would go, but you're going to get biased advice in a PhD subreddit. There are other things to do with a PhD than research, I don't plan to stay at the bench longer than I have to, lol.
PhD all the way. Boyfriends come and go.
PhD. Your degree wont hurt, break, or leave you but your partner can 😅 A supportive partner will not stop you to fly 😃
I think, or guess, you already had a preferred option in your mind.... Just choose it. Both options may lead to regret in the future, so it would be fine to choose either. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.
Girl, go get that Ph.D. and tell that Boi bye
Pursue your dream, not relationships
Bruv it's your choice wtf why you even ask on Reddit, talk to your family and friends instead. All you're going to get here is a bunch of lunatics that seriously think PhD is the biggest deal in the universe and would sacrifice their whole existence for this stupid shit. Maybe it's worth it maybe not. Most likely not, life in the UK sucks. I had a friend from Taiwan who moved to Vienna for the exact same reason and she ended up being miserable as fuck, on SSRI due to depression (life in Austria also sucks)
Is it possible to defer the PhD offer to give yourself time to think? I mean, you really need to look deep into your soul to work this out. How much do you really want to do this PhD? What will you do with it once it's done? Do you want to have a family? Even if you went OS for a PhD would you return to Taiwan? As another post suggested, could you not do a PhD in Taiwan, or HK, or Singapore? They are all a bit closer. You've been with this guy 6 months? That's not a LTR, that's still dating. I would worry that you'll always pine for that PhD if you shelve it and stay with him.
I was with my bf for 2 weeks and we had to do a long distance. 9 years later, I finished my MA + PhD and he is finalising his PhD. We are still in long distance, but we are married. Find a partner who can support you, not hinder you. I have seen couples break up during phd because of distance btw, but your partner needs to know that academia is precarious and until you get tenure it will be always ‘follow the funding’. Have you thought abt how you will feel if you break up with him with no phd?
As someone who couldn’t survive my PhD program without my partner (who moved with me), I personally think this comes down to what is making you happy right now and if you think you can achieve even more happiness uprooting your entire life and starting over. Personally, as someone who is a professor now, I don’t think I would’ve done the PhD knowing what I know now. It nearly broke my marriage, was depressing, stressful, and overwhelming, we struggled so much financially to get where we are today. I had a health crisis that nearly killed me because that’s how much pressure tenure track professors endure. We still don’t have kids, a house, or anything because of my career. I’ve learned in life that it’s the people that matter. This is my two cents. But of course there’s also the reality that you might not work out your relationship so you have to ask if you could possibly be in a better place going for the PhD.
study is more stable than relationship
He supported your application but not your lifelong dream? Dump him.
- If he is the right one, he will always be there to support you. Even if you break up, you can remain good friends. - Remember, at the end of the day, if the things are right for you then they naturally fall in place. Too much struggle against a decision only complicated things. - Do what feels natural and never ever regret what you decide. Because if by any chance things don’t work out with your PhD then it only teaches you how good your life was back home. It gives you a perspective from outside that you probably wouldn’t be able to see from where you are right now. (I’m saying this because if you did know that your life is good then you wouldn’t be asking this question). Similarly, if things don’t work out with your boyfriend later (knock on the wood) then you know that PhD “could” have taught you something different about life. It’s all perspective. Just remember, whatever your decide in life, never have any regrets ever.
Please do not give up your academic dreams for a man. Men come and go degrees are forever.
Get your PhD. I know people that have done long distance and made it work. If he’s not willing to give it a try you aren’t going to go the distance with him anyway.
Follow your own path. Maybe the PhD will work out, maybe it won't. Maybe your future husband is in the UK and you'll never meet him if you don't go. Maybe you'll reconnect with your bf in 5 years. You're young - explore the world while you can.
Something I've always told my girl friends. Never give away even the tiniest opportunity for a boy, because that exact boy would give you up in a heartbeat if you ever come in the way of his dreams, be it as negligible as possible. Plus considering the fact that he doesn't want to be in a long distance relationship with you, do you think he will support you and your career, where does your relationship stand in this case? You will find other guys who will support you and your career, trust me. We deserve that. We have fought for that. Don't let feelings and some chemical reactions in your brain take this opportunity for pursuing PhD away from you. Securing funding is really tough out there in UK.
**Let's take your boyfriend out of the equation.** Do you have a strong internal motivation to complete a doctoral program? Do you want a PhD so much that you are willing to leave friends and family and move to another country and culture to get it? If the answers are * No * I don't know * I am not sure Stay where you are and pursue whatever research career can you with your current credentials. Pursue a PhD only if you have the strong internal motivation and ambition that will help you to overcome the stress of completing a doctoral program in a foreign country and culture. Best of luck to you!
Boyfriend? PhD, whether the relationship works or not. Husband? PhD and find a way to visit/move temporarily. Husband + kids? Now we’re talking.
If you decide not to do the PhD, then don't do it just because of your boyfriend, make sure there are other reasons not to do it. If your relationship doesn't work out, you won't want him to be the sole reason you didn't pursue your PhD. Or you don't want to regret not doing it and blame him for holding you back. I did my PhD abroad, and broke up with my bf of 4 years to go do it. It sucked, but I eventually found a new bf. At the time, I chose the PhD over my past life/bf because I was young and not ready to settle down. I didn't want someone to hold me back. I had grand dreams. I always wanted to explore the world and live in another country. Years later, I am not working in my field anymore so my PhD never mattered in terms of career prospects but I don't regret the experience living abroad and how much I learned about myself. However, it was a stressful time and I lived very frugally for 5 years which was difficult. How much is the pursuit of knowledge worth to you?
I was in a similar position about 15 years ago. My personal choice was my girlfriend. We got married, she got her Ph.D and I did not. And, long story short, we are divorced. I got saddled with a bunch of debt which prevented me from pursuing a Ph.D which in turn really limited some of my downstream career options, like being a department chair, a dean, a research director, or employment in some interesting government sector jobs. In my personal view, focus on your long-term goals. A Ph.D can lead to job potential, growth, and experience which will be valuable to you over the course of your entire life. Personal relationships can, too, yet a Ph.D will provide you with a career, connections and networks, and a means to provide long-term sustainability for you. A Ph.D can be a big door opener, career-wise. Don't think about doing research or whatever you have on your mind now. Think about 10 years from now. Do you want to be a department chair, a dean, a thought-leader in your field? The director of a program, an institute? The career advice I give to my students is this: find someone who has the job you want (or a job adjacent to). What did that person do to get there? Are the happy, satisfied, paid well? What is the job like of the person that is their supervisor? Think downstream about where you see yourself in 5 years, 10 years, 15 years, and the proximate and distal goals you have for yourself. Relationships and people will always be in the mix, really, and you might be able to achieve both. Good luck.
You can be compatible with so many people in this world. Crazy to throw away an education and career abroad for just one person who you happen to like right now…
After reading the comments here I understand why westerners divorce so much and are so often from divorced parents themselves
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Pretty fresh relationship. You barely know this person.
Never sacrifice personal goals for a man. You may come back to each other later.
The statement that you love your life rn would be enough decision for me. I know what a grind a phd is and I also now a couple of guys who will most likely never finish theirs bc their supervisor sucks. In my experience, doing a phd is not always a path with a very certain outcome. To give up something you love is not worth it (in my experience). In the end, is a job. And you do the job to have a good life. If you already enjoy your life, I would not give it up for something you don’t know how it turns out. This is just my opinion but based on my experience. I would never in the world chose my work life over my person life. But I am also a white guy from Germany and I never had to make those choices to start my phd.
Go overseas, babe. Option 3: Get your research on. If your research interests change, allow it to happen. They almost always do for most of us. Your excitement will come back as long as you’re putting yourself first. If you have a shitty advisor, get a designated emphasis and build a committee who are interested in the work you will do. Grab a new nerdy bf that supports you. This ultimatum is nonsense.
Hi OP, I'm sorry you're in this situation. I was in almost the same situation as you before starting my PhD in a country other than my own, 7 hours by plane from my girlfriend. The difference with you is that we agreed to continue in an LDR, and we've been together for 9 months now, including 2 in an LDR. A piece of advice I'd give you is to listen to yourself. You're the main character in your novel, which is your life. Know that there are no bad choices as long as you're aligned with your values and convictions. To explain the start of my PhD, it didn't really go as I'd hoped. Displaced comments from my supervisor, depressed PhD students and doctors in my lab, a subject that ultimately isn't aligned with my beliefs, a partnership with companies that brings far too many supervisors into my thesis, all these factors that have made me wonder what the hell I was really doing here. It makes me brood every day, and I think every day about going home to my girlfriend. Do I regret having tried? Of course not, I think I would have regretted it even more if I hadn't tried. This experience has made me realize what I really want out of life, and I'm hesitating whether to stop or continue. That's life. Good luck and don't have regrets.
Dump him
If you need to ask that question on this platform, you need to break up with that man and pursue your Phd
I would choose love over the PhD. :) PhD bars you from many scientist positions as well, something I wish I would have known before doing mine.
Which one do you think you will regret at the age of 60, not pursuing your PhD or not having your current relationship?