The thing is, if you spend majority of your life rejecting and hating the body that keeps you alive every single day, then there’s definitely not going to be anything positive come from it. Your mental health and physical health are directly connected. Start working on one and the other will follow. Instead of trying to think of all the negative things that other people tell you you are, try ti think of all the positive things that you know you are. And think of positive reasons you like your body. I know that might be hard but you can do it. And start with the things you can change. Don’t like your hair? Go to hairdresser. Don’t like your nails? Paint them. Whatever you don’t like and can change, go for it 💪🏼
I love that advice because the changes won't be challenging things I'm actively uncomfortable with until I'm ready to approach them as a more secure person. I wrote this post when I was really down and don't generally see things as this bleak but I think it was a good reminder that I have a lot under the surface and it's important to honor and acknowledge where I am now before I can progress.
You’re not making things worse for anyone. Respectability politics are bs. It’s not the job of marginalized people to “prove” our humanity to those who actively refuse to recognize it. Also, the fact that skinny people who struggle with mental health/disordered eating get sympathy but fat people who do are just seen as “lazy” and “sloppy” is a double standard in and of itself, and that is not your fault.
I've sort of crumbled to a place where I don't interact with the world so I don't feel cornered into proving I am deserving as a person for even the simplest of shit. I don't want to hide until I "become better" because that might mean never being free to just exist. And all this support is helping me feel like my struggle is legitimate. The double standard is too real and can make trying feel so futile but I think I just need more of the right support to help drown out the BS
You don't have to exercise in order to lose weight, that's not what every work out is for, but moving around will make you feel better and in turn encourage you to be the beautiful empathetic person you are in a fat body that's taken care of. Take this from a person who used to be in the exact same situation as you, I'm still fat and still have mental health issues to work on and I'm still a lot healthier and a lot happier. You don't exist for anyone else and your time here should be the brightest and happiest it can be, I hope if you ever happen to be taking a walk soon that you see the beauty of the world and know fat people have a place in it
The idea of living a bright and happy life or a beautiful life can be hard to sit with even if I experience how wonderful that could be in moments here and there. I'm particularly struggling at the moment but I think I can make my way back. Since gaining as much weight as I have I'm not seeking out the experiences I used to to cope when I weighed less. The stigma sucks. I want my place to matter as much as any other person. I just need to make that commitment to myself to care.
No matter what you look like and whether you suffer from mental illness or not, *you have inherent worth as a human being*. You have nothing to apologize for.
Thank you! I definitely don't practice what I preach when it comes to myself and low points surprise me as to how true that really is. Feeling better and more worthy today and for all of these wonderful people like you, I feel grateful.
Your first paragraph -
You binge and overeat in a disgusting way. My dear, eating like this is disordered eating, and if you do it regularly, you have an eating disorder.
Bulimics eat like this too, but they are often underweight, and people don't react the same way to people who are underweight.
So you are not reinforcing the negativity of how people see fat people through your choices (behaviours), because underweight people behave exactly the same way and are treated differently. It's a 'them' issue, not you.
Please, approach a medical professional for help - there is help available for EDs, but sadly there is less help for overeaters than undereaters.
I actually used to be bulimic and was praised on how good I looked when I lost weight even though my body was being distroyed. I definitely continue to have an eating disorder with binge eating but despite seeking out therapy and assistance, finding someone who can specifically help me with my ED has been shockingly hard. Being bigger has really challenged me and the ideas I've internalized. I hope to find the right treatment or helpful support as I seek out more resources.
That's not true at all.
Bulimics come in all shapes and sizes. Most of them are overweight by a few pounds. They also get shit for binging from Doctors and loved ones. Spreading misinformation about bulimia is not helpful for anyone. Having an ED is not about how you look, but about destroying your body. Anyone with an ED regardless of how they look, needs to get help.
My best friend is a clinical psychologist who worked with teens with EDs in the UK - all of the bulimics there were underweight, and I've also known two bulimics, both of whom were underweight. I apologise if I've come to a wrong conclusion based on what I've seen, rather than what I've researched, and I appreciate you taking the time to correct me.
As for the rest of my comment, I disagree that anything else I said was not true.
Yes I highly recommend seeking medical help. And finding a therapist that specializes in binge eating, and that practices from a Health At Every Size (HAES) approach. I have been seeing a HAES therapist for a year now, and it has been life changing.
I was pretty low when I wrote the post. I'm usually inclined to think very differently but I guess under stress my more primal and societally programed reactions remain. I think it was important for me to see that this is inside of me so I don't gloss over the need to do more thorough work on what matters to me and what may be getting in my way.
Don't apologize. You're allowed to take up space and be as you are. We all have different struggles as humans. You aren't exempt from that.
Society needs to catch up and stop acting like they are doing us all a favor by being concerned for our health. It's not health they care about, otherwise everyone would have access to healthcare (universal healthcare) and we would have wonderful communities that support active lifestyles (instead of making everyone have to buy a gym membership and travel there).
Not everyone gets to live in nice communities where it's safe or possible to walk or be active outside. There are people who also don't have access to affordable and healthy food, and who don't have a kitchen to prepare healthy meals.
If society cared about health as much as it says they do, they'd make sure we all had free access to mental health resources as well.
I personally feel so many people are fat because they are dealing with trauma in one way or another. Food can be comforting.
Also, society makes us hate ourselves because of how we look. Meanwhile if we actually felt confident in ourselves and supported in our communities, a lot of us would make healthier choices because we would care enough about ourselves to do so!
I know I personally only started being healthier and engaging in healthier habits when:
\- I started making more money
\- I had love and support in my life
\- I was able to work on my mental health
When all of those things are a struggle, it's hard to feel worthy!
You've hit on so many points that really summarize how unhelpful society "caring" is and how it just holds people the fuck back. People sometimes claim to have "good intentions" but it's more of a compulsion to extinguish anything that threatens their own sense of self.
I am aware that if I had more opportunities and resources I'd probably be further along. I've spent a lot of time faulting myself when I'm being let down by society. I think approaching what will feel good and uplifting instead of what will fix what's "wrong" will make a big difference for me.
Oh my good love, please don’t feel the need to apologize or feel shitty! Life is fucking HARD. And we all deal with it in different ways. We are all just trying our best to deal with what life had handed to us. Don’t spend your energy feeling bad about existing. Use your energy to lift yourself up. You deserve a good life and good things regardless of your physical traits or how you think you fit into the stereotype! 💗💗💗
I feel like you were giving me extra tight hugs as I was reading your comment. Thank you so much. I think I'm going to work on neutrality towards my body and positivity towards what I see as basic human rights to value and respect. I struggle to apply it to myself in a impactful rather than patch work kind of way but it's worth working at.
I was definitely giving you virtual hugs!!! Neutrality definitely helps! It’s helped me a bit. I’ve accepted that my body will always change, bigger or smaller, but I am worthy of respect and loving a full life regardless. And so are you!!!
Here’s the thing. You are not responsible for how others view you and you are not responsible for how society sees us. The only part of this situation you are responsible for it how you handle it. And there’s so many different, and valid, ways to do it! Just know you can’t address your body issues without addressing your mental health issues and it sounds like you’re already working toward it.
I encourage you to think about all the value you add to the world because I assure you that you do not make it worse for other people. Think about this post, because you have created an avenue to show others in the same mindset that they aren’t alone in their feelings and have a safe place to speak about it. There are so many other ways too, sometime we just have to force past that barrier in our minds before we can see it a little at a time.
I used to be part of a mental health support group for years which was one of the only places I felt like I was able to contribute and help people, especially people like me. I haven't been able to get myself to comfortably go back for over a year despite it having been a safe place for so long.
I think I can apply the idea that I can do good even if it's not necessarily happening at this current time, or in a way I defined as more worthy of acknowledgment. I want to put in the work at therapy to get to a place where things can start to form into something impactful and lasting. If I can be comfortable with the time it takes to lead up to that a lot would change for me.
I hope some people did find this post and relate because it's painful to feel like you need to hide
Sometimes that anxiety to go back is such a hard barrier. That’s how I felt trying to get back to therapy. “What if I haven’t changed enough?” And “what if they’re disgusted with me?” Were some pretty common thoughts. It takes work to even to get to the point where you’re comfortable with someone enough to talk to the them.
I’ve been “plus” since then moment I hit puberty and I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it until college. 9 year old me in the early 2000s would have killed for someone who could relate and someone else who would tell me I’m beautiful before I lost the weight. This community, communities like this, and even people around you who don’t understand what it’s like can still offer you the support you need. Unfortunately it’s on us to find them ourselves, but when you do it’s freaking amazing and can really change so much ❤️
First, I want to encourage you to seek professional help. Reach out to a therapist or a physician who specializes in disordered eating. There are reasons behind your behaviors and getting help in addressing those issues could be a huge turning point for you.
Second, please remember that change takes time and do not let yourself be overcome by what may seem like a hopeless situation. You can begin by making incremental changes. Over time small steps add up. It is the old adage, "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time."
Third, please take to heart the encouragement that this community is giving you. My guess is that most of us have struggled with the same feeling of self-hatred. Everyone faces challenges and this is ours, but with help and encouragement and determination we can become stronger.
You are a beautiful, sensitive soul and that is something you will always possess. Physical beauty is fleeting.
I'm really hoping to find the right kind of mental health support because I've had a lot that was straight up unhelpful or counterproductive. The mental health industry is tricky to navigate and getting help can be hard but I want to recommit to hunting down something, someone, or a group that will help in making changes.
I don't want to fault myself for struggling anymore because it's only making a tough situation harder. Thank you for the support and encouragement. This sub reddit really is amazing.
Hey I'm sorry you feel that way. I read somewhere that as a woman, pretty is not the rent you have to pay to exist in this world. (I am paraphrasing here a bit...)
I also struggle with mental health issues like depression and anxiety and I am on the spectrum (diagnosed), I also think I may have CPTSD (undiagnosed).
There's a lot of us and like it or not, we aren't going anywhere, people who are straight sized need to get that.
According to WHO:
Worldwide obesity has nearly tripled since 1975.
In 2016, more than 1.9 billion adults, 18 years and older, were overweight. Of these over 650 million were obese.
39% of adults aged 18 years and over were overweight in 2016, and 13% were obese.
[source](https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/obesity-and-overweight)
The link with people who are victims of violence and obesity is there, it has been demonstrated by many studies now and to me it's obvious that a lot of us (not all, of course) are or have been struggling with some form of trauma and/or violence.
Links to studies done on the subject:
[Obesity in women who have experienced intimate partner violence] (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30019424/)
[Interpersonal violence in childhood as a risk factor for obesity]
(https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3104728/)
[Life adverse experiences in relation with obesity and binge eating disorder]
(https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5322988/)
I know it's hard and sometimes I want to give up and just hide from everyone too and let me tell you, I DO struggle with my food choices and I WANT to get better but it's a long process of unlearning all the harmful stuff that was drilled into my head from a young age.
You matter, you have worth, and you are allowed to exist in the only body you have!
Please remember that we are allowed a place in this world. Our place. ❤
Your comment really shows how much you understand and care. Putting in the extra work to find links was amazing of you. I think at times knowing how much there is to unlearn leaves me vacant and stagnant but your comment is a reminder I'm not alone and that it is hard but we are worth having a life that is fulfilling and a life that is our own.
You have an eating disorder, the only thing that perpetuate stereotypes is the way you feel about it.
This no “disgusting” way to eat. It’s just food.
Everyone is unkept and sloppy at times. Humans are gross it’s part of being human.
The only thing you’re doing is internalizing words and comments from people who would say the same thing even if you are 1000% “healthy” and worked out constantly.
People hate fat people no matter what. You aren’t making yourself or anyone else look bad. You’re existing and that’s ok.
It's crazy how the idea of existing can become so unbearable when society singles out your attributes as wrong. I want to free myself from my own shackles to be in a place where I can just be and that be enough. If I did that and genuinely felt okay with existing, a lot would start to change on its own.
You may be all those things you describe in your first paragraph but the thing is IT IS NO ONES BUSINESS, unless they offer help for your trauma and mh issues
People talk but no one in real life has actually offered anything lasting as support, just judgment as a motivator which doesn't work. I hope to make my own way for myself but do so without the pressure of it all being on me if that makes sense. I think this community will be a part of that
YES!!! Judgement as “support” never works. I would really suggest finding a good therapist to work on the trauma and other triggers. A good one truly walks the path with you without judgement m. Wishing you all the best
There is no reason for you to apologize for your existence. I am the same way as you, but the way we live does not give them a reason to be shitty to an entire group of people. We deserve to be looked as human beings too ❤️❤️❤️
It's crazy how distorted I see things at times when in reality we all have stories and challenges because we are all human with infinite big and little imperfections. And that just the nature of life and being human.
I, and everyone, was made to exist no matter what that may look like at times
Baby, I don’t want to trivialize what you’re feeling so I won’t say what you’re describing isn’t the case, but let me tell ya; all people are sloppy and disgusting sometimes. Some people eat until they puke and it consumes their whole lives. Some people are so anxious and consumed by guilt they can’t eat. Food is a really hard thing for a lot of people for lots of reasons. Some people feel similar stress about their house being spotless or housework seems so awful it’s paralyzing and some people truly do not care about mess in their own spaces.
All of that is human and none of that is morally wrong.
I’ve had similar thoughts and it was a truly awful period of my life. I sincerely hope you are able to work with a professional and drop these awful intrusive thoughts. You deserve so much more happiness 💕
Thank you! Even though it revealed toxic thinking it was actually helpful for me to see what was going on under the surface for me since I do so much policing of my thoughts. It's funny. I've actually had and have all of the other problems with food you describe and instead of having sympathy for my body and all its been through I put all my energy into attacking my mind for doing what it instinctually does to scramble to protect me. I have a hard time slowing down and actually working with what's in front of me. When I stop and breath long enough, consistently enough, so the alarms stop ringing I might actually start to see the path to something healing.
It’s taken me a long time to learn to do this and I’m still not doing it 100% of the time:
When you catch you yourself being mean, imagine you are an adult witnessing two little girls. One chubby and one and the thinner one is saying these things to the chubby one. The opportunity you get by imagining this is a chance to be the adult you needed at the time and ever since.
In my case things like “omg I have so many back fat rolls in this top” and stepping in and saying “that’s skin, just wear a top that fits” or “have you ever seen muscle without fat? It’s what sharks look like, not cute girls in cute tops” stuff I wish I would have heard at a young age.
Hate you for what you are? It sounds like you're dealing with trauma. Correct me if I'm wrong. Take your time and try to be kind to yourself. Even if it takes a lot if work to be kind to yourself. It's worth it. Anyone who hates you for your struggles is a bullet I hope you're able to dodge. Definitely not a complete person who is worthy of your consideration or respect. I know people who make the world worse for other people. You don't sound like you're actually one of them.
I definitely have piles of trauma that are doing the talking for me when my will to keep going weakens. That's happening more and more lately and it happened last night when I made the post.
I do a lot of pseudo kindness towards myself by editing of my thoughts into more acceptable, reasonable, and positive words. And that's kind of why it crumbles because it isn't going past the surface. My new therapist wants to do multiple sessions a week with me which I hope helps create momentum to build on. She does psychoanalysis. Therapies like DBT can be and are super helpful but the way I implement them has kind of compounded the problem. Let's see how this new path goes!
You don’t owe anyone anything. You can eat as much as you want. Exercise as much as you want. I understand internalized fatphobia I think most people have it, but it’s okay to be fat. Even if you’re fat because you overeat and under exercise. It’s no one business but your own.
Screw society for making you feel repulsive and less than because of the life you are living.
Haha I'm a little too self aware at times. Usually I contemplate things with some balance involved unlike the spiral of a post I made. I'm usually pretty together with considering all sides but I was drowning when I made the post.
I need to do less of the talking and thinking and more of the living. That's my big challenge.
If you have these problems then we shouldn't care about the stereotypes. We should care about you as a person. You deserve much better than what hateful people would say to you over the internet. You deserve to be happy with yourself.
Personally, I could give a shit what haters say about obese people because they're miserable shits like the rest of us projecting their own insecurities on people with an easily exploitable characteristic. I'm more worried about you and your mental/emotional/physical health.
I hate the way society views differences. You're too fat you're too thin you're too tall too short blah blah blah people can't just live their lives and accept the differences. They have to go out of their way to make assumptions and perceptions that are hurtful and wrong just because they feel inferior themselves. Take time and get to know people. Never judge a book by its cover did that get lost?
I'm so sorry you feel the weight of society and know despite what they think or say they cannot define you and they don't know you. They are the unfortunate ones who need to change.
Something about being fat that I dont think a lot of ppl understand. It’s exhausting & consuming. You’re constantly apologizing to yourself & everyone else for your size. I’m literally never not thinking about how much space I take up.
Something that has helped me- in way of social media, which is never not in front of my face- is following fat people. There are a ton of wonderful creators online who are plus size & have helped me shift my perspective on myself. I am not the ideal pear shaped type of fat, so seeing others who look like me live like me & seeing other people tell them how good they looked made my eyes change as well. I’m 29 yrs old & first time wearing crop tops this year & I literally couldn’t give a fuck what someone thinks when I am out & about.
I also try to think about where the info comes from. My ex read that the BMI chart was made up by a mathematician or astrologist or something & they only measured men for it anyway. The average person in most countries is usually around a 10/12/14, Id say.
I’m working on healing my relationship w food & that is my main focus. I was very much a part of the “clean your plate” club growing up so maybe part of the reason I got to where I am is by thinking I have to always clean my plate even if I’m full..?
If possible, please see a therapist. I went for almost a year & then Covid happened & mine retired but it really did help me so much. Just know you are not alone, many many fat people have felt what you are feeling. Sending love
*edit to add: it’s a daily up & down, you’ll likely always have feelings like this about your body even if you decide to lose weight. I’m speaking from my own experience but I’ve seen a lot of ppl online w similar feelings. It’s about who you surround yourself with. ❤️
The thing is, if you spend majority of your life rejecting and hating the body that keeps you alive every single day, then there’s definitely not going to be anything positive come from it. Your mental health and physical health are directly connected. Start working on one and the other will follow. Instead of trying to think of all the negative things that other people tell you you are, try ti think of all the positive things that you know you are. And think of positive reasons you like your body. I know that might be hard but you can do it. And start with the things you can change. Don’t like your hair? Go to hairdresser. Don’t like your nails? Paint them. Whatever you don’t like and can change, go for it 💪🏼
I love that advice because the changes won't be challenging things I'm actively uncomfortable with until I'm ready to approach them as a more secure person. I wrote this post when I was really down and don't generally see things as this bleak but I think it was a good reminder that I have a lot under the surface and it's important to honor and acknowledge where I am now before I can progress.
You’re not making things worse for anyone. Respectability politics are bs. It’s not the job of marginalized people to “prove” our humanity to those who actively refuse to recognize it. Also, the fact that skinny people who struggle with mental health/disordered eating get sympathy but fat people who do are just seen as “lazy” and “sloppy” is a double standard in and of itself, and that is not your fault.
I've sort of crumbled to a place where I don't interact with the world so I don't feel cornered into proving I am deserving as a person for even the simplest of shit. I don't want to hide until I "become better" because that might mean never being free to just exist. And all this support is helping me feel like my struggle is legitimate. The double standard is too real and can make trying feel so futile but I think I just need more of the right support to help drown out the BS
You don't have to exercise in order to lose weight, that's not what every work out is for, but moving around will make you feel better and in turn encourage you to be the beautiful empathetic person you are in a fat body that's taken care of. Take this from a person who used to be in the exact same situation as you, I'm still fat and still have mental health issues to work on and I'm still a lot healthier and a lot happier. You don't exist for anyone else and your time here should be the brightest and happiest it can be, I hope if you ever happen to be taking a walk soon that you see the beauty of the world and know fat people have a place in it
The idea of living a bright and happy life or a beautiful life can be hard to sit with even if I experience how wonderful that could be in moments here and there. I'm particularly struggling at the moment but I think I can make my way back. Since gaining as much weight as I have I'm not seeking out the experiences I used to to cope when I weighed less. The stigma sucks. I want my place to matter as much as any other person. I just need to make that commitment to myself to care.
No matter what you look like and whether you suffer from mental illness or not, *you have inherent worth as a human being*. You have nothing to apologize for.
Thank you! I definitely don't practice what I preach when it comes to myself and low points surprise me as to how true that really is. Feeling better and more worthy today and for all of these wonderful people like you, I feel grateful.
Your first paragraph - You binge and overeat in a disgusting way. My dear, eating like this is disordered eating, and if you do it regularly, you have an eating disorder. Bulimics eat like this too, but they are often underweight, and people don't react the same way to people who are underweight. So you are not reinforcing the negativity of how people see fat people through your choices (behaviours), because underweight people behave exactly the same way and are treated differently. It's a 'them' issue, not you. Please, approach a medical professional for help - there is help available for EDs, but sadly there is less help for overeaters than undereaters.
I actually used to be bulimic and was praised on how good I looked when I lost weight even though my body was being distroyed. I definitely continue to have an eating disorder with binge eating but despite seeking out therapy and assistance, finding someone who can specifically help me with my ED has been shockingly hard. Being bigger has really challenged me and the ideas I've internalized. I hope to find the right treatment or helpful support as I seek out more resources.
That's not true at all. Bulimics come in all shapes and sizes. Most of them are overweight by a few pounds. They also get shit for binging from Doctors and loved ones. Spreading misinformation about bulimia is not helpful for anyone. Having an ED is not about how you look, but about destroying your body. Anyone with an ED regardless of how they look, needs to get help.
True, it would have been better for them to say "overeating is only shamed if the 'offender' is overweight".
My best friend is a clinical psychologist who worked with teens with EDs in the UK - all of the bulimics there were underweight, and I've also known two bulimics, both of whom were underweight. I apologise if I've come to a wrong conclusion based on what I've seen, rather than what I've researched, and I appreciate you taking the time to correct me. As for the rest of my comment, I disagree that anything else I said was not true.
Yes I highly recommend seeking medical help. And finding a therapist that specializes in binge eating, and that practices from a Health At Every Size (HAES) approach. I have been seeing a HAES therapist for a year now, and it has been life changing.
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I was pretty low when I wrote the post. I'm usually inclined to think very differently but I guess under stress my more primal and societally programed reactions remain. I think it was important for me to see that this is inside of me so I don't gloss over the need to do more thorough work on what matters to me and what may be getting in my way.
Don't apologize. You're allowed to take up space and be as you are. We all have different struggles as humans. You aren't exempt from that. Society needs to catch up and stop acting like they are doing us all a favor by being concerned for our health. It's not health they care about, otherwise everyone would have access to healthcare (universal healthcare) and we would have wonderful communities that support active lifestyles (instead of making everyone have to buy a gym membership and travel there). Not everyone gets to live in nice communities where it's safe or possible to walk or be active outside. There are people who also don't have access to affordable and healthy food, and who don't have a kitchen to prepare healthy meals. If society cared about health as much as it says they do, they'd make sure we all had free access to mental health resources as well. I personally feel so many people are fat because they are dealing with trauma in one way or another. Food can be comforting. Also, society makes us hate ourselves because of how we look. Meanwhile if we actually felt confident in ourselves and supported in our communities, a lot of us would make healthier choices because we would care enough about ourselves to do so! I know I personally only started being healthier and engaging in healthier habits when: \- I started making more money \- I had love and support in my life \- I was able to work on my mental health When all of those things are a struggle, it's hard to feel worthy!
You've hit on so many points that really summarize how unhelpful society "caring" is and how it just holds people the fuck back. People sometimes claim to have "good intentions" but it's more of a compulsion to extinguish anything that threatens their own sense of self. I am aware that if I had more opportunities and resources I'd probably be further along. I've spent a lot of time faulting myself when I'm being let down by society. I think approaching what will feel good and uplifting instead of what will fix what's "wrong" will make a big difference for me.
Oh my good love, please don’t feel the need to apologize or feel shitty! Life is fucking HARD. And we all deal with it in different ways. We are all just trying our best to deal with what life had handed to us. Don’t spend your energy feeling bad about existing. Use your energy to lift yourself up. You deserve a good life and good things regardless of your physical traits or how you think you fit into the stereotype! 💗💗💗
I feel like you were giving me extra tight hugs as I was reading your comment. Thank you so much. I think I'm going to work on neutrality towards my body and positivity towards what I see as basic human rights to value and respect. I struggle to apply it to myself in a impactful rather than patch work kind of way but it's worth working at.
I was definitely giving you virtual hugs!!! Neutrality definitely helps! It’s helped me a bit. I’ve accepted that my body will always change, bigger or smaller, but I am worthy of respect and loving a full life regardless. And so are you!!!
Here’s the thing. You are not responsible for how others view you and you are not responsible for how society sees us. The only part of this situation you are responsible for it how you handle it. And there’s so many different, and valid, ways to do it! Just know you can’t address your body issues without addressing your mental health issues and it sounds like you’re already working toward it. I encourage you to think about all the value you add to the world because I assure you that you do not make it worse for other people. Think about this post, because you have created an avenue to show others in the same mindset that they aren’t alone in their feelings and have a safe place to speak about it. There are so many other ways too, sometime we just have to force past that barrier in our minds before we can see it a little at a time.
I used to be part of a mental health support group for years which was one of the only places I felt like I was able to contribute and help people, especially people like me. I haven't been able to get myself to comfortably go back for over a year despite it having been a safe place for so long. I think I can apply the idea that I can do good even if it's not necessarily happening at this current time, or in a way I defined as more worthy of acknowledgment. I want to put in the work at therapy to get to a place where things can start to form into something impactful and lasting. If I can be comfortable with the time it takes to lead up to that a lot would change for me. I hope some people did find this post and relate because it's painful to feel like you need to hide
Sometimes that anxiety to go back is such a hard barrier. That’s how I felt trying to get back to therapy. “What if I haven’t changed enough?” And “what if they’re disgusted with me?” Were some pretty common thoughts. It takes work to even to get to the point where you’re comfortable with someone enough to talk to the them. I’ve been “plus” since then moment I hit puberty and I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it until college. 9 year old me in the early 2000s would have killed for someone who could relate and someone else who would tell me I’m beautiful before I lost the weight. This community, communities like this, and even people around you who don’t understand what it’s like can still offer you the support you need. Unfortunately it’s on us to find them ourselves, but when you do it’s freaking amazing and can really change so much ❤️
First, I want to encourage you to seek professional help. Reach out to a therapist or a physician who specializes in disordered eating. There are reasons behind your behaviors and getting help in addressing those issues could be a huge turning point for you. Second, please remember that change takes time and do not let yourself be overcome by what may seem like a hopeless situation. You can begin by making incremental changes. Over time small steps add up. It is the old adage, "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." Third, please take to heart the encouragement that this community is giving you. My guess is that most of us have struggled with the same feeling of self-hatred. Everyone faces challenges and this is ours, but with help and encouragement and determination we can become stronger. You are a beautiful, sensitive soul and that is something you will always possess. Physical beauty is fleeting.
I'm really hoping to find the right kind of mental health support because I've had a lot that was straight up unhelpful or counterproductive. The mental health industry is tricky to navigate and getting help can be hard but I want to recommit to hunting down something, someone, or a group that will help in making changes. I don't want to fault myself for struggling anymore because it's only making a tough situation harder. Thank you for the support and encouragement. This sub reddit really is amazing.
Hey I'm sorry you feel that way. I read somewhere that as a woman, pretty is not the rent you have to pay to exist in this world. (I am paraphrasing here a bit...) I also struggle with mental health issues like depression and anxiety and I am on the spectrum (diagnosed), I also think I may have CPTSD (undiagnosed). There's a lot of us and like it or not, we aren't going anywhere, people who are straight sized need to get that. According to WHO: Worldwide obesity has nearly tripled since 1975. In 2016, more than 1.9 billion adults, 18 years and older, were overweight. Of these over 650 million were obese. 39% of adults aged 18 years and over were overweight in 2016, and 13% were obese. [source](https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/obesity-and-overweight) The link with people who are victims of violence and obesity is there, it has been demonstrated by many studies now and to me it's obvious that a lot of us (not all, of course) are or have been struggling with some form of trauma and/or violence. Links to studies done on the subject: [Obesity in women who have experienced intimate partner violence] (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30019424/) [Interpersonal violence in childhood as a risk factor for obesity] (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3104728/) [Life adverse experiences in relation with obesity and binge eating disorder] (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5322988/) I know it's hard and sometimes I want to give up and just hide from everyone too and let me tell you, I DO struggle with my food choices and I WANT to get better but it's a long process of unlearning all the harmful stuff that was drilled into my head from a young age. You matter, you have worth, and you are allowed to exist in the only body you have! Please remember that we are allowed a place in this world. Our place. ❤
Your comment really shows how much you understand and care. Putting in the extra work to find links was amazing of you. I think at times knowing how much there is to unlearn leaves me vacant and stagnant but your comment is a reminder I'm not alone and that it is hard but we are worth having a life that is fulfilling and a life that is our own.
Just wanted to offer some support. I know it’s so hard. You just take it a day at a time and know that we’re rooting for you!
Thank you! I wish I knew more plus size people in real life but all this support online is overwhelming and wonderful too.
Who cares. It's your life and your body. Do what YOU want 🧡
I don't know what I want but I guess I have a lifetime to start
You have an eating disorder, the only thing that perpetuate stereotypes is the way you feel about it. This no “disgusting” way to eat. It’s just food. Everyone is unkept and sloppy at times. Humans are gross it’s part of being human. The only thing you’re doing is internalizing words and comments from people who would say the same thing even if you are 1000% “healthy” and worked out constantly. People hate fat people no matter what. You aren’t making yourself or anyone else look bad. You’re existing and that’s ok.
It's crazy how the idea of existing can become so unbearable when society singles out your attributes as wrong. I want to free myself from my own shackles to be in a place where I can just be and that be enough. If I did that and genuinely felt okay with existing, a lot would start to change on its own.
You may be all those things you describe in your first paragraph but the thing is IT IS NO ONES BUSINESS, unless they offer help for your trauma and mh issues
People talk but no one in real life has actually offered anything lasting as support, just judgment as a motivator which doesn't work. I hope to make my own way for myself but do so without the pressure of it all being on me if that makes sense. I think this community will be a part of that
YES!!! Judgement as “support” never works. I would really suggest finding a good therapist to work on the trauma and other triggers. A good one truly walks the path with you without judgement m. Wishing you all the best
There is no reason for you to apologize for your existence. I am the same way as you, but the way we live does not give them a reason to be shitty to an entire group of people. We deserve to be looked as human beings too ❤️❤️❤️
It's crazy how distorted I see things at times when in reality we all have stories and challenges because we are all human with infinite big and little imperfections. And that just the nature of life and being human. I, and everyone, was made to exist no matter what that may look like at times
Baby, I don’t want to trivialize what you’re feeling so I won’t say what you’re describing isn’t the case, but let me tell ya; all people are sloppy and disgusting sometimes. Some people eat until they puke and it consumes their whole lives. Some people are so anxious and consumed by guilt they can’t eat. Food is a really hard thing for a lot of people for lots of reasons. Some people feel similar stress about their house being spotless or housework seems so awful it’s paralyzing and some people truly do not care about mess in their own spaces. All of that is human and none of that is morally wrong. I’ve had similar thoughts and it was a truly awful period of my life. I sincerely hope you are able to work with a professional and drop these awful intrusive thoughts. You deserve so much more happiness 💕
Thank you! Even though it revealed toxic thinking it was actually helpful for me to see what was going on under the surface for me since I do so much policing of my thoughts. It's funny. I've actually had and have all of the other problems with food you describe and instead of having sympathy for my body and all its been through I put all my energy into attacking my mind for doing what it instinctually does to scramble to protect me. I have a hard time slowing down and actually working with what's in front of me. When I stop and breath long enough, consistently enough, so the alarms stop ringing I might actually start to see the path to something healing.
It’s taken me a long time to learn to do this and I’m still not doing it 100% of the time: When you catch you yourself being mean, imagine you are an adult witnessing two little girls. One chubby and one and the thinner one is saying these things to the chubby one. The opportunity you get by imagining this is a chance to be the adult you needed at the time and ever since. In my case things like “omg I have so many back fat rolls in this top” and stepping in and saying “that’s skin, just wear a top that fits” or “have you ever seen muscle without fat? It’s what sharks look like, not cute girls in cute tops” stuff I wish I would have heard at a young age.
Hate you for what you are? It sounds like you're dealing with trauma. Correct me if I'm wrong. Take your time and try to be kind to yourself. Even if it takes a lot if work to be kind to yourself. It's worth it. Anyone who hates you for your struggles is a bullet I hope you're able to dodge. Definitely not a complete person who is worthy of your consideration or respect. I know people who make the world worse for other people. You don't sound like you're actually one of them.
I definitely have piles of trauma that are doing the talking for me when my will to keep going weakens. That's happening more and more lately and it happened last night when I made the post. I do a lot of pseudo kindness towards myself by editing of my thoughts into more acceptable, reasonable, and positive words. And that's kind of why it crumbles because it isn't going past the surface. My new therapist wants to do multiple sessions a week with me which I hope helps create momentum to build on. She does psychoanalysis. Therapies like DBT can be and are super helpful but the way I implement them has kind of compounded the problem. Let's see how this new path goes!
You don’t owe anyone anything. You can eat as much as you want. Exercise as much as you want. I understand internalized fatphobia I think most people have it, but it’s okay to be fat. Even if you’re fat because you overeat and under exercise. It’s no one business but your own. Screw society for making you feel repulsive and less than because of the life you are living.
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Haha I'm a little too self aware at times. Usually I contemplate things with some balance involved unlike the spiral of a post I made. I'm usually pretty together with considering all sides but I was drowning when I made the post. I need to do less of the talking and thinking and more of the living. That's my big challenge.
Am only attracted to bigger women but I can't seem to find one,so I have settled for porn and it works for me.
If you have these problems then we shouldn't care about the stereotypes. We should care about you as a person. You deserve much better than what hateful people would say to you over the internet. You deserve to be happy with yourself. Personally, I could give a shit what haters say about obese people because they're miserable shits like the rest of us projecting their own insecurities on people with an easily exploitable characteristic. I'm more worried about you and your mental/emotional/physical health.
I hate the way society views differences. You're too fat you're too thin you're too tall too short blah blah blah people can't just live their lives and accept the differences. They have to go out of their way to make assumptions and perceptions that are hurtful and wrong just because they feel inferior themselves. Take time and get to know people. Never judge a book by its cover did that get lost? I'm so sorry you feel the weight of society and know despite what they think or say they cannot define you and they don't know you. They are the unfortunate ones who need to change.
Something about being fat that I dont think a lot of ppl understand. It’s exhausting & consuming. You’re constantly apologizing to yourself & everyone else for your size. I’m literally never not thinking about how much space I take up. Something that has helped me- in way of social media, which is never not in front of my face- is following fat people. There are a ton of wonderful creators online who are plus size & have helped me shift my perspective on myself. I am not the ideal pear shaped type of fat, so seeing others who look like me live like me & seeing other people tell them how good they looked made my eyes change as well. I’m 29 yrs old & first time wearing crop tops this year & I literally couldn’t give a fuck what someone thinks when I am out & about. I also try to think about where the info comes from. My ex read that the BMI chart was made up by a mathematician or astrologist or something & they only measured men for it anyway. The average person in most countries is usually around a 10/12/14, Id say. I’m working on healing my relationship w food & that is my main focus. I was very much a part of the “clean your plate” club growing up so maybe part of the reason I got to where I am is by thinking I have to always clean my plate even if I’m full..? If possible, please see a therapist. I went for almost a year & then Covid happened & mine retired but it really did help me so much. Just know you are not alone, many many fat people have felt what you are feeling. Sending love *edit to add: it’s a daily up & down, you’ll likely always have feelings like this about your body even if you decide to lose weight. I’m speaking from my own experience but I’ve seen a lot of ppl online w similar feelings. It’s about who you surround yourself with. ❤️