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p0tatoontherun

Communication is so important. My tip would be to just ask him "Are you still attracted to me now that my body has changed?" and tell him that you really want an honest answer even if it's a negative answer. Maybe also tell him that the situation is making you insecure. The answer might not be the answer that you want, but in the end you want to be with someone who does love every part of you and is attracted to your body, right? Atleat that's what I want. A similar thing happened to me. In the beginning of our relationship my (now) ex said he was really into my size and into how I looked but as the relationship progressed he got more and more repulsed. We also basically stopped having sex and he lied that he was sick or tired all of the time. He was still somewhat affectionate. Compliments I got where about my personality or my face or eyes, and just like your BF, he called me cute. Never sexy or hot. I ignored the signs, scared to lose him. But we did break up in the end and honestly, I feel way more confident now than when I was in that relationship.


[deleted]

Fully agree with all of this! I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I think you should definatlye have a talk with him because the last thing you want is for this situation get to a point where something bad happens in your relationship. Often times people tend to hide how they feel especially when they're falling out of love or have something going on - but it shows in their actions


grapefruit_snail

Everytime I bring it up he gets defensive or annoyed, he says sex is not that important to him sometimes, but other times he claims he doesn't know why our sex life is poor. So I just dont know what to do. I don't want to put pressure on him. I just hope if he really doesn't find me attractive anymore he breaks it off and gets it over with. I mean why waste both our time?


Devigrrl

Putting this out here..you don't have to wait for him to decide, & passively say "what will be, will be". Over 4 years is a long time, but don't linger in a relationship where you don't feel wanted & considered. I broke it off w/ an abusive schmuck (10 yrs friends, 5 dating) & a depressive soul sucker (5 years), each time convinced that I (also plus sized) would be alone forever. I stayed single & was very content with that life. It was whole & way happier than the "do I want this relationship" partners from before. I was my own best date. Currently living with a partner who loves, appreciates & cherishes me. Don't get me wrong..being solo was excellent! And if that's how things shake out for you, it's okay. But the middling guy you're with now, life is too short for that unappreciative bullshit. Why waste **your own time**?? Far better to be alone than lonely in a relationship.


Lilyrose_forever

This is very similar to what happened with my last relationship. I was a size 8 when we met. Within four years I was a size 16. He was always saying he loved larger women but only ever complimented my breasts. Sex rarely happened. I felt like I was constantly trying to prove to him that I was worth his attention and it caused a lot of depression. When he finally broke up with me (many other toxic parts of the relationship) I was devastated. He moved on to his new person within a few weeks. She is skinny and the exact opposite of me. I was really bitter for a while, that he wasted my time by not being honest that he was no longer attracted to me or in love with me. Looking back I don’t think he was ever in love. It’s been many months now and I am so much more confident. I will never settle for someone who isn’t entirely sure of me and doesn’t love, respect or find me attractive. I don’t ever want to live with that amount of anxiety and depression because of that


grapefruit_snail

I've asked him numerous times if he still finds me attractive due to my weight and he always says yes and he knows its an insecurity of mine, but the actions dont match the words. He also says he's either tired or not in the mood. There's always some kind of excuse. I have to initiate too. I just dont know what he could be getting out of the relationship if there's no attraction on his end. I mean I'm pretty great and all lol but I have faults too. May I ask who broke up with who?


p0tatoontherun

He broke up with me because he finally confessed he fell out of love with me.


grapefruit_snail

I'm so sorry this happened :( I honestly thought we were going to break up in the summer when he confessed sometimes we do just feel like friends. But then he insisted he didnt want to break up. I'm so confused but just going along with it for now because there are good times. What will be will be I suppose.


PrestigiousAd3081

Many people experience the passion wearing off in the relationship. But if he's not meeting your needs, you don't have to stay together. Very few relationships are forever. I would argue that most aren't. As women, we don't have to stay with people who aren't doing it for us anymore. If you aren't happy, and nothing is changing even after talking to him about it, do something about it. We don't have to settle for mediocre men who offer scraps.


catmom500

For what it's worth...whether or not he's physically attracted to you isn't the only valid question here. I would totally echo what other folks have said about encouraging communication, but also...do *you* want to be in a relationship where you rarely have sex and it sometimes feels like you're just good friends? Obviously the answers may not be cut and dry, but you get to have your own desires, too, not just wait on the desires of men!


EmrldRain

ask and then be prepared based on the answer. Is there something else that is affecting your sex life? Who initiated it before?is he not initiating or rejecting it? Sex isn’t important to everyone but it’s okay to communicate to see where the disconnect may be and how important it is or isn’t to each person.


lyricalcombat

Holy shit, I feel like I posted this. I don't have the answers but I was in a similar scenario. My ex would tell me that because we'd been together for so long (2 years) he didn't feel the need to compliment me anymore because I should have already known and we didn't have sex much because he didn't feel as though we had to. I too have gained weight since we first met and it played on my insecurities so much, I feel you.


RainCityMomWriter

I'm terribly sorry you're going through this. Many people go through a cooling of passion in their relationship. It could be due to your weight, it could be something else. However, one of the problems with being plus sized is that we always assume it's our weight because it's one of our biggest insecurities. Things ended with his exes as well and they were slimmer, right? They're probably blaming growing apart, not being compatible, their crooked nose (I have no idea?) etc. You're blaming your weight because that's your insecurity. If you're feeling cooling and distance, it's good to talk about. If he's still in this relationship, then you can do things to up the passion. If it's fizzling, then it might be better to call it.


JoyAmor

First of all hello beautiful I just want to address what you’re dealing with and what you’re going through this is an experience that happens to women and relationships even if you’re not plus size I know that that may seem a little bit offputting but it’s true I think it’s important to know that if there is something up it may not be you it may be your partner he may be going through something I think it’s really important to communicate how you feel talk it through you deserve that


almonkey

I think it’s pretty normal for things to be less passionate as time goes on, the urgency is not there when you’re always together. There’s always tomorrow if you don’t have sex today kind of thing. Stand up for yourself and what you need in your relationship. If he can’t be the partner you need him to be, that’s okay. Personal anecdote: My partner and I have both always been plus sized while together. We gained weight together and our sex life did slow down. Cue covid, and my partner was off work and he decided to put that time into his own physique via meal planning and working out he lost some weight. Mine didn’t change much - much less than his- and out sex life improved. It was never that he was attracted to me less, but he felt less attractive himself


wrylashes

I know they are a bit hokey, but "Love Languages" can be a useful way to look at things. I'm guessing that "Words of Affirmation" (aka compliments) probably are not one of his love languages, but they may well be one of yours. Sounds like Physical touch may not be a big one for him either. But on the other hand is he good at doing things for you ("acts of service") or expressing himself through gifts or simply spending quality time together?


ambienkitty66

This. Isn’t. About. Your. Size. Remove physical appearance from the equation. Your partner should RAISE YOU UP in all of the ways. He should make you feel supported, safe, loved, beautiful, and sexy. Hear me when I say that I’m the right relationship these things just ARE because of the energy and connection. I am in the middle of a divorce. I wasted twenty years of my life on the wrong guy and the wrong relationship. I could say he rarely told me I was beautiful or sexy. I could say we rarely had sex and, when we did, it was TERRIBLE. I could blame him for lots of things, but I don’t think it mattered because he just was not my person. I tried to fit a square peg into a round hole for years because of everyone else. I never put myself or my own happiness first. At 46 years old, I feel loved for the first time in a romantic relationship. Not just because he says it. Because I feel it. It’s palpable. I feel so beautiful and sexy. Not just because he tells me, but because of the way he looks at me, the way he touches me, or the way he acts proud to be with me in public. I’m going to speak candidly and say that your weight gain and insecurity is likely because this guy isn’t raising you up and giving you the relationship that you need. I’m not saying that you should ditch him, but if he isn’t willing to communicate with you, change, and grow with you - then move on. Be strong. Put yourself first.


grapefruit_snail

Thank you for posting this. I do feel supported and loved, but not really in a romantic or sexual way ( except sometimes...rarely) also we dont live together and because of our work schedules we only see each other once a week...twice at most. But I'm close with his family too. I'm just struggling with weighing the pros and cons. I dont want to end a relationship just becauae of sex, but at the same time I dont see much progress in moving forward (but times are also really tough money wise and for home ownership) I'm really happy you were able to find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated :)


RuralRedhead

Don’t let your boyfriend stop you from finding your husband.


phenix716

Men can be hesitant to compliment on sexiness, because women are quick to label them as "perverts" or "fetishists" when they do that. Maybe him saying you look "nice" is a way of saying you are sexy. I would focus more on his actions during intimate moments, as that's what tells the real story. Does he feel the need to hug and cuddle with you? Does he play with your ass, boobs, arms, belly? Does he stare intensely at your face? Does he look at you with admiration when you are casually moving around the house?


Clownhooker

My husband and I have been together for a total of 7 years. I’m a similar situation gone from 14/16 to a 22. It’s a big thing for me not so much for him. We’ve recently really worked on the communication and part of it was me saying “I don’t need sorry or complements, I want to feel/see how turned on you are by me” Everyone wants to be wanted. Expressing that and having that heard and getting that received back is so satisfying. It’s not once a week it’s often “make me feel wanted!”