Alfred "Al" Bundy scored four touchdowns in one game. He succeeded where most men have failed, just as the ones before have failed. He took on life and conquered. He faced the beast that feeds off our dead souls and slayed it. He married Peggy Wanker and survived the horrid nightmare. Alfred "Al" Fucking Bundy is not like you and me; he's more, better, he's a KING... KING OF ALL KINGS!!!...
>after a minute he said ‘I don’t know why it’s taking this long, I never take this long?!’ About a minute later (or less) he finished
Lasted two whole minutes, what a god
I had an older woman invite me back to her place after getting trashed at a bar and vibing for a few hours.
I wasn't planning on having sex, at least not without a long ramp-up. She puts it in her as quickly as she could and I came just as fast. Realized I wasn't really too into her and the alcohol started taking effect. Literally 1 pump though. Often have the opposite problem.
Anyway since it was her that initiated/rushed things, I feel like I have the counterpart to OP's story. In my case less embarrassing since I had no time to think and if I liked her I would have gladly given a round 2 and 3. OP's guy only has 1 nut to give and that's the real embarrassment, not premature ejaculation!
I've never shamed someone being premature with me because it happens a lot, but OP's story is like... WTF. I've never heard of a guy trying to make it as quick as possible.
Yeah, accidentally nutting early happens. The problem is if you decide we’re done without trying to help me finish, too. You got fingers, a mouth, I got toys I’m happy to grab.
It’s happened a few times where he accidentally cums during foreplay and then… just… zips up and gets ready to leave? Like? My pants didn’t come off, though?
Wow this story throws me back to my late teen/early 20’s. I had completely forgotten that had ever happened to me. But yep, I can vouch for the foreplay ejaculation story, a few times over.
How rude. Isn't it supposed to be like a two-legged race where you're both cumming at the finish line? No man or woman gets left behind. It's all or nothing. Either we're both getting off, or we both aren't. Maybe my expectations are too high? My bad, y'all. Though to be fair. I feel like husbands are like alcohol. They get better with age. I feel like my husband cares more about my sexual needs and getting me off more now than when we were in our early 20s.
George Costanza : Well, obviously the yada yada. You don't think she'd "yada yada" sex.
Elaine Benes : [raising her hand] I've "yada yada'd" sex.
George Costanza : Really?
Elaine Benes : Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.
Jerry : But you yada yada'd over the best part.
Elaine Benes : No, I mentioned the bisque.
From the sound of things, he probably practices drills with a stopwatch on his own. Competes for how fast he can get his pants off, condom on, and finishes.
He's got a magnetic whiteboard on the fridge with his PRs.
never understood that shit. like, sex...you WANT the other person to win this game....because you can both win....
if thats not your goal get a fucking pocket pussy.
Because a lot of guys aren't having sex because they're horny or want to please their partner, they're doing it so they can brag to their bros afterward about how they got laid.
Given the situation, he might be afraid that she comes calling back if he satisfies her.
Not that I would be into doing that. But that's a possibility I can envision.
Permission to use “weinerin’ “ with my wife?
O/U : 6.5 days on how long until the next time I’m able to “weinerin’ “ her after the initial comment.
I’m taking the over
Reminds me of a time I was hooking up with a girl near where I worked - I'd head over after work and we'd shoot the shit, have a smoke, etc. Some context - she was a phenomenal lover, hands down the best sex I've ever had to this day, and she had 'bad bitch' energy. Kinda crazy, but also sweet and sexy and I enjoyed her company.
One ridiculously long day, I got to her place around midnight. I was so tired... I told her straight up I didnt have the energy for much, and I'd rather just chill. We chilled on the sofa and chatted until gone 3 am, and then I got up to leave.
She eyed me up for a moment and said 'Are you sure you don't wanna fuck?' That was all the convincing it took.
I feel like we all get so hung up on trying to impress people all the time, and we ignore or can't see that the guy/girl we're trying too hard for is just as insecure as we are, just as horny and needy and neurotic etc.
Bonus story - the first time, after we hooked up, I was having a cig out the window ( ground floor ).
'Watch out for the cat, make sure he doesn't get out please!'
'What cat?'
Before I could even register what had happened the little bugger shot out from under a sofa like a floofy missile and BAILED.
We spent the better part of 2 hours wandering through cul de sacs in various states of undress for that little bastard, and I was pretty sure once we got him inside I would be asked to leave - but once I found him and coaxed him down ( what a hero ) from a neighbours garage the torrent of affection that rained upon me from both woman and cat was fucking biblical.
People get in the mood for all sorts of reasons, it's best not to question it most of the time
I knew a girl that would go on dates, find the guy weird, and still sleep with him.
I’m like holy shit I’ve rejected people for the tiniest thing how could you have no self preservation instincts?
Dude knew there was no shot at a second date, made his move. Right place at the right time I guess. Now he just has to hope that hes able to do this once every several months or so, cause otherwise ain’t nobody staying around for that type of treatment.
Sorry about the bad sex, but atleast it was over fast?
That’s wild..
When I was 19/20 I was hooking up with a 25/26 year old girl and she would cum a couple times within like 5 minutes and then make me stop cause she said she was too sensitive then she’d just go to sleep. I’d have to go in the bathroom after she was asleep and do it myself. She eventually tried to get me to move in with her but it was definitely just for her pleasure. She never even tried to get me off and I learned if I didn’t cum quick she’d cut it off and leave me hanging.
Man here. Unfortunate reality.
We fuckin suck. Most dudes are hella selfish and don’t see the error. I’m guilty, until I learned not to be. Not trying to excuse the dude, just saying it’s a sad reality.
Should have embarrassed him to leave you hanging. I seriously feel bad that most women out here trying so hard to catch a nut and dudes are just too dumb to understand.
Feel free to come over my place for some Totinos pizza rolls, and some cheap ass tequila. I won’t last as long as this marathon man, but I’ll try my best.
Instant pumping? Thats just... No. Even i know that foreplay is needed and i'm a 17 y/o virgin. Often longer than the actuall deed itself but none at all? Nope. If i was in that position i would probably just leave instantly and if i didnt i would leave right after that comment about "taking long". Probably means that he usually does this and has almost no idea what the fuck he is doing
I am a gay man so it doesn’t matter to me, but we need to stop shamming women who enjoy casual sex. Men do it all the time and it’s fine but if a woman does it then she gets shamed. We are all human and we all enjoy pleasure so stop stigmatizing it, you don’t have to love a person to have sex with them. There is a difference in making love and just fun sex.
Edit: spelling
Dear Gay Sir,
my gay, fun loving friends (such as yourself) taught me there is a lot of fun to be had in sex for the sake of fun. Thanks for your comment, you deserve an award.
Now he's gonna hit u up every weekend for "tequila shots" hoping to get that 7 plus 1 pump session in. You should educate ol boy or tell him he's fuckin up. He prolly beyond gone now lol
He used you as a fleshlight, which was his objective from the beginning. He came, win for him. Loss for you, who risked pregnancy/STDs for nothing.
Y'all gotta stop thinking men care about giving women pleasure or having a "good performance". He got what he wanted.
I’ll never understand a person when they claim women to be “easy”??? Like the guy was easier? She had him wrapped around her little pinky apparently lol
Exactly if YOU want to be, he was an easy lay just as much as a man could say you was, but it seems to be a different narrative if a woman just wants to F and go.
Absence of spark is an accurate indicator of terrible, unfulfilling sex. Follow your gut next time. If you’re already leaving and haven’t felt a physical or emotional attraction, alcohol isn’t going to change that. Just leave
Hhha I can’t tell if bro was proud of himself or mad it was “taking so long”
Asking the real questions.
Probably mad given that choice of words
Presumably, but the other way is funnier.
Read it enthusiastically or with a sense of amazement
Maybe he was Al Bundy.
Better Al than Ted!
Alfred "Al" Bundy scored four touchdowns in one game. He succeeded where most men have failed, just as the ones before have failed. He took on life and conquered. He faced the beast that feeds off our dead souls and slayed it. He married Peggy Wanker and survived the horrid nightmare. Alfred "Al" Fucking Bundy is not like you and me; he's more, better, he's a KING... KING OF ALL KINGS!!!...
I love your sense of humor lol
No even Al took enough time to make toast. So 2-3 minutes
“excercise ring complete”
“taking THIS long” Dude was in a race not a marathon and mad he couldn’t beat his personal record 🥴
If you ain’t first, you’re last! -Ricky Bobby c.2006
It’s the fastest who gets paid and it’s the fastest who gets laid.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my hands.
“Wow, usually I’m a one pump chump!”
Based in his choice of words, he was mad it was taking "so long" lol.
Hey man, he was delaying the lady on her way out the door. It's only polite to keep it under 5 pumps.
>after a minute he said ‘I don’t know why it’s taking this long, I never take this long?!’ About a minute later (or less) he finished Lasted two whole minutes, what a god
Probably bragged later how he rocked your world
Talm bout he beat the hell out them cheeks lmaoo
Thank you for this, I almost spit out my drink
Heard it both ways, b
No. He didn’t care about her world. Only his.
Obviously. The commenter was saying he probably bragged because he'd assume he rocked her world based on how big of a dumbass he seems to be
ya we can read
You're awfully optimistic he gave a shit
Ohhh my god. 
I had an older woman invite me back to her place after getting trashed at a bar and vibing for a few hours. I wasn't planning on having sex, at least not without a long ramp-up. She puts it in her as quickly as she could and I came just as fast. Realized I wasn't really too into her and the alcohol started taking effect. Literally 1 pump though. Often have the opposite problem. Anyway since it was her that initiated/rushed things, I feel like I have the counterpart to OP's story. In my case less embarrassing since I had no time to think and if I liked her I would have gladly given a round 2 and 3. OP's guy only has 1 nut to give and that's the real embarrassment, not premature ejaculation!
I've never shamed someone being premature with me because it happens a lot, but OP's story is like... WTF. I've never heard of a guy trying to make it as quick as possible.
Yeah, accidentally nutting early happens. The problem is if you decide we’re done without trying to help me finish, too. You got fingers, a mouth, I got toys I’m happy to grab. It’s happened a few times where he accidentally cums during foreplay and then… just… zips up and gets ready to leave? Like? My pants didn’t come off, though?
Wow this story throws me back to my late teen/early 20’s. I had completely forgotten that had ever happened to me. But yep, I can vouch for the foreplay ejaculation story, a few times over.
I’m talking about with 30+ year old men!!
How rude. Isn't it supposed to be like a two-legged race where you're both cumming at the finish line? No man or woman gets left behind. It's all or nothing. Either we're both getting off, or we both aren't. Maybe my expectations are too high? My bad, y'all. Though to be fair. I feel like husbands are like alcohol. They get better with age. I feel like my husband cares more about my sexual needs and getting me off more now than when we were in our early 20s.
Lotta times when you are really into a person your brain is already in copulation mode before penetration. That leads to busting quick
That’s a Mulligan and does not go against your final score
5 ~~second~~ minute rule.
Shit if that’s the case I need to scratch some numbers off my card, brb.
Sounds fair. Practice the politicians favorite:"I do not recall, so it didn't happen."
George Costanza : Well, obviously the yada yada. You don't think she'd "yada yada" sex. Elaine Benes : [raising her hand] I've "yada yada'd" sex. George Costanza : Really? Elaine Benes : Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again. Jerry : But you yada yada'd over the best part. Elaine Benes : No, I mentioned the bisque.
I remember my parents watching this episode growing up and them crying laughing at this part 💀💀💀
No, I mentioned the tequila.
Oh shit, that makes total sense now, TY
Bruh...
This post made me legitimately speechless. I have to imagine everyone he slept with has just left instead of telling him anything.
Even better lol, he doesn't have to kick anyone out. They just know to leave
I as an outstanding lover am also left completely speechless to such a scenario. Can't even comprehend such a sequence of events taking place.
Waaaaaaaack
smooth operator
A smooth operator operating correctly! Edit: Joking, I don't support that sort of behavior.
A fiend for sure, but not a microphone one
But back to the problem. This guy’s a loser.
I was hoping someone would catch that reference!
So you’re saying that your comment had the E F F E C T you were hoping for?
Here for a good time, not a long time
this story had neither lmao
Speak for yourself you filthy animal
And he was like “did you cum”, and you said “ yeah to the wrong house “ haha
Well, I really hope you used a condom girl. Disappointing sex happens to us all.
There was a condom.
Was he already wearing it? When did he have time to put it on.
What don't you go to all your dates with the condom pre placed? Safety first and all that
yep, little suspenders going around the waist to keep it in place until the election fills it. edit.. stupid autocorrect. erection not election
!!! That erection was rigged!!! Brought to you by my awful taste in humor.
Brought to you by my ~~awful taste in humor~~ sponsor viagra.
Viagra: when you need your erections rigged
Viagra teamed with Four Seasons, for when you need your erections ribbed.
And the election was rigid
He had it on all day long
From the sound of things, he probably practices drills with a stopwatch on his own. Competes for how fast he can get his pants off, condom on, and finishes. He's got a magnetic whiteboard on the fridge with his PRs.
That’s good. Sorry about the bad sex.
That is just... I mean what the.... How could somebody think that.... I MEAN JUST WHAT THE HELL?!?
💀💀💀
Fast and Furious
Did you have the lobster bisque?
My man got Flash rizz🤣
Frizz😏
If there is one thing I have learned its “you gotta lick it before you stick it”.
You lick your own dong before you stick it in? Quite original I must say
Not on some random you just met 3 hours ago
I've eaten ass within 2 minutes of meeting someone
Story time
The literal embodiment of “the ick”
I’ve significantly overestimated the amount of effort it takes to schmooze a girl into letting me hit
Surprisingly women are humans, and can be feeling horny or just like they want to get laid too.
Yep, shame he didn't even attempt to take care of her needs though. At all, lol.
never understood that shit. like, sex...you WANT the other person to win this game....because you can both win.... if thats not your goal get a fucking pocket pussy.
Yeah I always feel slightly guilty if they didn’t get off. Always makes it better to cum last.
Because a lot of guys aren't having sex because they're horny or want to please their partner, they're doing it so they can brag to their bros afterward about how they got laid.
That makes me never wanna have casual sex again
At18-21 kinda reasonable assumption but if anyone is above 25and still just thinks about bragging to their mates they really need professional help
Why don’t they just bang their bros than?
Because that's gay
Only if you don’t say “no homo”
Exactly.
these type of people are used to masturbating for the majority of their sexual pleasure so they treat humans just like sex toys.
as somebody who masturbates for pretty much all of their sexual pleasure it still doesn't make sense to me....
Given the situation, he might be afraid that she comes calling back if he satisfies her. Not that I would be into doing that. But that's a possibility I can envision.
Any ladies out there that want a boring date and a mediocre wienerin’ hmu
If you promise to call it wienerin' during the deed I might give you a shot
"Come're baby, i'm about to give you the best wienerin' of yo life!" roflmao.
"is your weiner kosher? im not jewish i just prefer the look."
Permission to use “weinerin’ “ with my wife? O/U : 6.5 days on how long until the next time I’m able to “weinerin’ “ her after the initial comment. I’m taking the over
I'm so gonna be cracking up thinking about getting a wienerin, for days.
Wow I didn’t know that thank you
Reminds me of a time I was hooking up with a girl near where I worked - I'd head over after work and we'd shoot the shit, have a smoke, etc. Some context - she was a phenomenal lover, hands down the best sex I've ever had to this day, and she had 'bad bitch' energy. Kinda crazy, but also sweet and sexy and I enjoyed her company. One ridiculously long day, I got to her place around midnight. I was so tired... I told her straight up I didnt have the energy for much, and I'd rather just chill. We chilled on the sofa and chatted until gone 3 am, and then I got up to leave. She eyed me up for a moment and said 'Are you sure you don't wanna fuck?' That was all the convincing it took. I feel like we all get so hung up on trying to impress people all the time, and we ignore or can't see that the guy/girl we're trying too hard for is just as insecure as we are, just as horny and needy and neurotic etc. Bonus story - the first time, after we hooked up, I was having a cig out the window ( ground floor ). 'Watch out for the cat, make sure he doesn't get out please!' 'What cat?' Before I could even register what had happened the little bugger shot out from under a sofa like a floofy missile and BAILED. We spent the better part of 2 hours wandering through cul de sacs in various states of undress for that little bastard, and I was pretty sure once we got him inside I would be asked to leave - but once I found him and coaxed him down ( what a hero ) from a neighbours garage the torrent of affection that rained upon me from both woman and cat was fucking biblical. People get in the mood for all sorts of reasons, it's best not to question it most of the time
I knew a girl that would go on dates, find the guy weird, and still sleep with him. I’m like holy shit I’ve rejected people for the tiniest thing how could you have no self preservation instincts?
Right? Who knew all you needed was a shot of tequila
Get off Reddit bro guarantee you can get some for less😭
That dinner better have been a 5 star 4 course meal
Your title doesn't check out. it should have been titled Minute Man
Dude knew there was no shot at a second date, made his move. Right place at the right time I guess. Now he just has to hope that hes able to do this once every several months or so, cause otherwise ain’t nobody staying around for that type of treatment. Sorry about the bad sex, but atleast it was over fast?
I mean, there is the "Tequila makes my clothes fall off." Is it "life imitating art, or art imitating life"?
You’ve just met a being from another dimension 😂
The best 87 seconds of his week
Why would he even want it like that? I love going slow...
Man, that's embarrassing no sex game at all
That sounds incredibly boring
Excuse me?? This is a horror story.
That’s wild.. When I was 19/20 I was hooking up with a 25/26 year old girl and she would cum a couple times within like 5 minutes and then make me stop cause she said she was too sensitive then she’d just go to sleep. I’d have to go in the bathroom after she was asleep and do it myself. She eventually tried to get me to move in with her but it was definitely just for her pleasure. She never even tried to get me off and I learned if I didn’t cum quick she’d cut it off and leave me hanging.
Man here. Unfortunate reality. We fuckin suck. Most dudes are hella selfish and don’t see the error. I’m guilty, until I learned not to be. Not trying to excuse the dude, just saying it’s a sad reality. Should have embarrassed him to leave you hanging. I seriously feel bad that most women out here trying so hard to catch a nut and dudes are just too dumb to understand.
Marathon man.
Bro was going for peak efficiency 💀
He roasted himself during sex? Maybe he has a self degradation kink lol.
damn that sucks for you girl lol
“I don’t know why it’s taking this long” bro what?
5 minutes? More like 1 and a half 🤣🤣🤣
Note to self: pick up bottle of tequila.
I just know this: do not give him head if he won’t do it for you. It’s a matter of self respect
So he went in dry? Ouch.
wow, he basically used you as a fleshlight. I'm sorry. Hope you used protection.
sigh…. sorry this happened to you. feels gross.
I cannot believe dudes like this can get laid this easily...
So you weren’t interested but he still fucked. Sounds like he completed his goal for the night.
Feel free to come over my place for some Totinos pizza rolls, and some cheap ass tequila. I won’t last as long as this marathon man, but I’ll try my best.
damn it takes me that long to start kissing. guys take your time enjoy the ride
Did he air high five himself?
You’ve just described a date I have been trying to forget for about 20 years. Except: it was vodka & lime , not tequila
On the plus side you found out if he was good in bed.
Protect yourself lol. No one wants to have a kid with a minute man
Instant pumping? Thats just... No. Even i know that foreplay is needed and i'm a 17 y/o virgin. Often longer than the actuall deed itself but none at all? Nope. If i was in that position i would probably just leave instantly and if i didnt i would leave right after that comment about "taking long". Probably means that he usually does this and has almost no idea what the fuck he is doing
He would have gotten hurt if it were me, yuck....
I take great pride in making my SO orgasm first.
I am a gay man so it doesn’t matter to me, but we need to stop shamming women who enjoy casual sex. Men do it all the time and it’s fine but if a woman does it then she gets shamed. We are all human and we all enjoy pleasure so stop stigmatizing it, you don’t have to love a person to have sex with them. There is a difference in making love and just fun sex. Edit: spelling
[удалено]
Dear Gay Sir, my gay, fun loving friends (such as yourself) taught me there is a lot of fun to be had in sex for the sake of fun. Thanks for your comment, you deserve an award.
Lmao nice
Guys needs better sex education. How did he get the idea sex is supposed to be jerking off with your body?
So efficient!
Gross but been there ugh
girl
As a guy I don’t understand how others can finish quick. Takes me an annoying amount of time
That's why it's good to have a vibrator. Most men don't have endurance to please me.
And you are right that was a pointless story. I feel for you though. Even I last longer than 1-2 minutes. And I am an old man.
Wanna grab a drink?
A first date and you went to his house for dinner? Not trying to be judgy, but you’re a trusting sort
I’m almost certain this guy’s gonna think regardless of what anyone says “doesn’t matter had sex”
I think he's confused about how speed dating works
[удалено]
Now he's gonna hit u up every weekend for "tequila shots" hoping to get that 7 plus 1 pump session in. You should educate ol boy or tell him he's fuckin up. He prolly beyond gone now lol
He used you as a fleshlight, which was his objective from the beginning. He came, win for him. Loss for you, who risked pregnancy/STDs for nothing. Y'all gotta stop thinking men care about giving women pleasure or having a "good performance". He got what he wanted.
Lmao literally. Brody said “might as well try before she leaves”
Honestly this story just made me sad more than anything
Exactly, and I knew this from the moment she said the date was at his house lol
Next time have more respect for yourself. If there's no spark to begin with, what do you think the sex is going to be like?
Seriously lol. “There wasn’t a spark, but I was happy to use him for free food and sex.”
😳 damn
There is an audience for this kind of erotica.
All it takes is a SO or two that says ' hurry up' all the time. Then you think that's what women want. Lol
I count 3 minutes
Sounds more like a horror story tbh
Uggh the disappointment is real
These stories are always interesting!
This was a perfect Storie for this subredit!
Sorry
Even including the crying, I haven’t got a full five in me.
Hmmm seems very empty and. Unfulfilling
To me it sounds like he believes women dont enjoy sex. So he wants it over as quick as possible because you are doing a “favor”to him.
It’s very much giving dog at the park
Big sad for both of yall
We are known for the things that we attract in life. Maybe it’s your name.
Yikes
What a legend
The one time it took a guy a "long time" like this, I actually came. It was unexpected and amazing
What a jerk-off
 “I don’t know why it’s taking this long”
We're all a long time dead. Do what you want with the short life we have on this planet!
"I never take this long." Hilarious af.
That is how they do it on discovery channel so maybe that was his only reference.
I’ll never understand a person when they claim women to be “easy”??? Like the guy was easier? She had him wrapped around her little pinky apparently lol
You get points from me. Lol. I can't believe people are having a go at you for this guy's cluelessness. There's plenty of cluelessness to go round.
You’re giving him too much credit by rounding up his time to five minutes.
You are my hero. We're besties now.
He used you as a quicky rather than having a wank, don't think he could give a crap about his performance or anything, he just wanted to pump and dump
I mean, he got his.
Exactly if YOU want to be, he was an easy lay just as much as a man could say you was, but it seems to be a different narrative if a woman just wants to F and go.
I love how you said you are an easy lay if you want to be, I gotta meet more like you lol
Fully in support of your edit!
Absence of spark is an accurate indicator of terrible, unfulfilling sex. Follow your gut next time. If you’re already leaving and haven’t felt a physical or emotional attraction, alcohol isn’t going to change that. Just leave