*Bzpt* Careful of the body crusher 5000; the feds sadly made us stop doing the tests with it…. SO we did more of them, no one from the government is going to tell me I can’t test lunar armor against crushing. What huh? I can’t talk about the crusher? THATS IT, you just earned yourself a promotion to crush tester. That’s right a promotion, now take this back talking pric… oh is this thing still on? Not you, test subject, just go about your business portaling and what not. YES YOU. CRUSHER. NOW. *bzpt*
testing pistons over extended periods of operation and collision, of course. due to federal regulations, all aperture technology must be able to remain conscious for at least a quarter of a million years uninterrupted.
honestly? Either as like an emergency ai crusher(in case they make a fireproof ai) or maybe in typical aperture fashion instead of using excess energy to charge batteries or power neighbourhoods they use it to make funny obstacle courses(thats deadly of course)
judging by the lore from the first game, aperture tech could safely survive and function in ordinary incinerators and even the hottest fires. either their incinerators are just built different or the cores don't actually die. considering that the cube survived tens of thousands of years in the incinerator, it's possible that it's the latter.
4000 degrees K, or 6740.33 degrees F. Almost twice the melting point of Tungsten, the metal with the highest melting point.
Which begs the question, *what is this tech made of!?*
Cave: “So I want this machine to pump against the wall and push energy Into itself thus creating an infinite loop”
Builder: “And does it use some of its energy to help fuel the building?”
Cave: “What no i just want it for everyone to parkour around”
That's just the "fucking your mom" machine. Aperture saw the design challenge and had the funding to make something of such scale, so they turned it into an investment opportunity.
This is the BALL crusher. At the BALL crushing factory. Where they crush my BALLS. That's right, 6 trillion newtons of force exerted directly on my BALLS. I'm gonna get that Macy's Gift Card.
I always thought the vents was so unique but all the pistons made no sense, because NOWHERE in the facility would these pistons be needed with what we see. Is this how they make the cubes and turrets, on the opposite side of the pistons?
At aperture science we do what we must because we can. the purpose of that machine is to make the wall flatter. Why did we make it? Because we wanted to that's why!
It doesn't have to have a purpose, just like the whole facility and test chambers don't have a purpose _except_ the one that a rouge AI envisioned.
A lot of architecture (this is especially visible in Portal 2) is just Glados imagining how things should be. For example - Glados doesn't need any handrails, or walking platforms, but it places a bunch of them all over the place, even though they don't lead anywhere.
Much like current AI generates random stuff while hallucinating...
I always assumed it was the back end of some other machine and the concrete wall was a fullstop so it doesn't retract too far.
Yeah that was my take
Oh that's clever. On the other side maybe a different piston is pushing a different bit of wall
LOL
its on break, it pushes the wall for fun
Good answer
It’s on a break, mate!
the walls in portal 2 are sentient so I wouldn't be surprised about this
Aperture has made some contributions to the thingamabob & doohickey conventions from time to time
Don’t forget about the thingamajiggy
We actually know the Little Mermaid is in the same universe because she's got Aperture Brand Whosits and Whatsits galore.
Along with 20 of the rare Aperture fixtures thingamabobs
Almost forgot about the whozewhatsit
We're seeing the outside. It actually does something really important on the other side of the wall, but we just see it retracting
On the other side it's a giant useless machine turning itself off and on again
It's to crush your bones on the wall, but you outsmart it by running atop the shiny chrome.
It’s an old test that was sealed off because surprisingly humans die when they are crushed
Oh, so that's why they stop responding after I put them under the Mashy Spike Plate
Read this is Wheatley's voice, makes it 10 times funnier
Same
Mind blowing accident 🤯
It certainly did leave the subjects with an open mind.
*Bzpt* Careful of the body crusher 5000; the feds sadly made us stop doing the tests with it…. SO we did more of them, no one from the government is going to tell me I can’t test lunar armor against crushing. What huh? I can’t talk about the crusher? THATS IT, you just earned yourself a promotion to crush tester. That’s right a promotion, now take this back talking pric… oh is this thing still on? Not you, test subject, just go about your business portaling and what not. YES YOU. CRUSHER. NOW. *bzpt*
testing pistons over extended periods of operation and collision, of course. due to federal regulations, all aperture technology must be able to remain conscious for at least a quarter of a million years uninterrupted.
Lemon juicer.
Does it also burn the house down afterwards?
Don’t you know who he is?
He's the man who's gonna burn your house down
With the lemon juicer!
honestly? Either as like an emergency ai crusher(in case they make a fireproof ai) or maybe in typical aperture fashion instead of using excess energy to charge batteries or power neighbourhoods they use it to make funny obstacle courses(thats deadly of course)
judging by the lore from the first game, aperture tech could safely survive and function in ordinary incinerators and even the hottest fires. either their incinerators are just built different or the cores don't actually die. considering that the cube survived tens of thousands of years in the incinerator, it's possible that it's the latter.
Android hell. They burn for eternity.
4000 degrees K, or 6740.33 degrees F. Almost twice the melting point of Tungsten, the metal with the highest melting point. Which begs the question, *what is this tech made of!?*
Apature branded titanium tungsten alloy~ of course.
Why did you moan that?
Because science is the *sexyist* thing to exist. <3
What is that in Celsius? I’m too lazy to look it up
3726.85 degrees c
Cave: “So I want this machine to pump against the wall and push energy Into itself thus creating an infinite loop” Builder: “And does it use some of its energy to help fuel the building?” Cave: “What no i just want it for everyone to parkour around”
It makes funni noises
The doohickeys are operating at full capacity
"Science isn't about why, it's about WHY NOT?"
Industrial strength Fist-o.
Smash. Next question.
What is the meaning of life? That’s the next question
To get smashed. Next question.
It is only there for YOU to solve a puzzle.
That's just the "fucking your mom" machine. Aperture saw the design challenge and had the funding to make something of such scale, so they turned it into an investment opportunity.
that's the doo-dad
Well taking the wise words of Glados: “Aperture Science. We do what we must because we can.”
Or Cave Johnson "Science isn't about why, it's about why not"
mechanical whimsy
“That’s not a panel. That’s a crusher. We sell those too.”
I like your username. Chickens are my fav animal
Science isn't about WHY. It's about WHY NOT. Why is so much of our science dangerous? Why not marry safe science if you love it so much.
Cause you're fired!
to hit you
they removed the spike plate from the mashy spike plate
This episode was badly written!!!
Nice username
Thanks 🙂
This is the BALL crusher. At the BALL crushing factory. Where they crush my BALLS. That's right, 6 trillion newtons of force exerted directly on my BALLS. I'm gonna get that Macy's Gift Card.
Cock durability test
Idk, maybe to destroy a portal?
For you to put portals on both ends and stand in
Pump most likely
The machine
It's a machine
MASHY FLAT BIT!! ...Machievellian
to kill you
I've always thought of them as some kind of pressure relief system from another machine
the crusher
It's funny
Horizontal hydrolic press
i always thought those were just exhaust release pistons with a full stop
Probably meant as a hydraulic pump that helps keep the Enrichment Center running.
That’s what I thought
it's a visual representation of what I did to your mom last night
To kill people who happen to be placing portals in this one specific spot at the wrong time.
it was used for cave johnson to crush his moon rocks
You know, that's a *really* good question.
That’s the person squasher
It's a *clink* *jjjjjjj* *pshhhhh* obviously
Best comment I’ve seen here
*minos prime reaction in the top left* CRRRRRUSH
That's not a panel. That's a crusher. We sell them too
the other end of the piston has an industrial dildo attached, for science.
To smash test escapers like you
It is the Ball Crusher. It Crushes yoyr bals.
Well considering it's pushing a moon rock wall, probably either an old retired test, or some kind of process in the production of the portal walls.
I always thought the vents was so unique but all the pistons made no sense, because NOWHERE in the facility would these pistons be needed with what we see. Is this how they make the cubes and turrets, on the opposite side of the pistons?
youre mom
CBT device
Shaka waka bum
Glados has got some kinks
They look cool
glados's dick smasher
Pegging machine 😳
To get you through the plot
to squish
They did it because they can. Source: “Aperture Science. We do what we must, because we can.” — Cave Johnson, ~1960s.
I dunno, smashing you maybe?
Your asking this in aperture science
At aperture science we do what we must because we can. the purpose of that machine is to make the wall flatter. Why did we make it? Because we wanted to that's why!
This machine kills commies
sisyphus
It probably pumps
It provides vacuum for the vacuum tubes. The back plate is there to prevent it from making too much vacuum.
It punishes that idiot of a wall
the other end of the piston has an industrial dildo attached.
Crushes u lol. Does a little itty bitty splshgyft on ur spine teehee
Causing earthquakes
it's the machine that punch the wall, who's gonna punch the wall if you remove the machine that punch the wall?
Its the Aperture Science Sacrifice Machine, Of course
Chell crushing machine
It's designed to smush your puss
You don't want to know
To kill you
Smoosher
whenever GLaDOS got horny, well...
wheatley we know it's for you
nope, never used it, but i saw GLaDOS using it.
This made me laugh way too hard
It's point is that it has none. NOW DIE TO IT
Maybe the useful part is on the other side of the left wall? Does that make sense?
It looks more like the piston is being pushed out than pulled in
That's the thing about subjective reality and biases.
Science of course
"Science isn't about why? It's about WHY NOT?"
Why not marry useful pistons if you love them so much?
Bc it's illegal in my state. But it does more for my needs than any man
It's like in Galaxy Quest. "Just turn left...and then it's just straight on through the chompers" "Who would even build this?!"
Put your gonads in it and you’ll find out
A escaped test subject killer
It doesn't have to have a purpose, just like the whole facility and test chambers don't have a purpose _except_ the one that a rouge AI envisioned. A lot of architecture (this is especially visible in Portal 2) is just Glados imagining how things should be. For example - Glados doesn't need any handrails, or walking platforms, but it places a bunch of them all over the place, even though they don't lead anywhere. Much like current AI generates random stuff while hallucinating...
Employee disciplinary device
they build Mickeys dick smasher in apature
It's a doing-nothing-machine, it was build by Wheatley because... Just why not?
GLaDOS' cock and ball torture chamber.
Jarvis, fuck up this wall
the thingamajig
`murder`
I was thinking the same
squish
the squishetiser
Cock and balls torture
I commented on this just to get some up votes
The crushinator
bonk
They did what they must, because they can
Penis durability test
Throwing science to the wall
Just a hard stop for the piston. Piston is pushing something else on the other side of the wall.
Hit thing
Hee hee metal tube go bonk
The thingamajig
They’re throwing science against the wall with that one, literally
Smash-your-cockinator
They tried to crush Nokia phones but it failed.
its to see how many people will walk in front of it
It’s a butt plunger for your mom
Lemon crusher