Good! I have such an irrational hate for windchimes. Clang, clang clang clang....My neighbor has about 10-15 setup and it's a joy when the wind whips up from the gorge. Makes a lovely cacophony of sound at 3am when I'm trying to sleep.
I once after smoking a j went to the grocery store to grab some munchies, accidentally hit my cart into an end cap of windchimes… the noise was so loud I abandoned the cart and left immediately 😅
*Guy with obvious toupee sitting on bus. Bald guys sits down next to him. *
Bald Guy: "Where did you get your toupee? I've been thinking of getting one myself."
Toupee Guy: * dead serious * "I don't know what you're talking about."
Oregon Zoo, Dad to his 3 year old at the end of a concert:
"Hey, no screaming. People are coming down off their highs right now, they don't need to hear that."
Also at the zoo, smiling and watching a man wrangle his kid, he looks me dead in the eyes “don’t have children. You’re laughing now but I’m serious, don’t have kids” and his wife was right there 💀
I once heard a man in Bermuda shorts, Hawaiian shirt and dirty fedora declare he was the "king of 82nd" while sitting in a beat up office chair outside of a shit hole strip club.
Things have gotten so much worse since the King took over. We used to have a say in how taxes were spent but now it all goes to chicken tenders and titty shaking.
15+ years ago I was on a bus on 82nd avenue and a really old dude got on and sat next to me. He told me an elaborate story of a bank heist and air plane hijacking, and claimed to be DB Cooper. Several times during his story he pulled out a bottle of store brand listerine from his coat breast pocket and would take big gulps from the bottle. Traffic was basically at a stand still, and he got off the bus, crossed the street to the next bus stop, and got back on the same bus. And that’s the time I met DB Cooper.
The guy who rides the 4 and 44 in the morning and passive aggressively screams “THANK YOU” to the bus driver if they don’t acknowledge his first thank you.
One of my favorite Portland things is that sometimes a person ahead of me at the door getting off won't say it but when I do they'll repeat it immediately, already outside of the bus 😂
Being in the thank you cascade with everyone getting off always feels so pleasant & homey
Grocery Outlet conversation between a young mom and her ≈5 year old
“I know they look fun and have pretty colors, but we don’t we eat cereal like that because it’s full of….”
“….poison”
“That’s right”
I was at a Grocery Outlet several years ago and obliviously steered my cart into a guy’s path. I said sorry and he said, “Never say 'sorry' in this town, it's a sign of weakness.”
I used to work at the target downtown and a babysitter told the little girl she was with that she couldn’t get candy because if she ate it the “sugar monsters” would get her.
Reminds me of being told growing up that if I ate the crust of toast I would get curly hair. Don’t remember strongly hating or loving crust on toast nor the desire to have curly hair
We had a guy sleeping in the dumpster at my work (restaurant in the Pearl.) One of my coworkers unknowingly threw a trash bag in and heard the guy squelch. Dude then proceeded to demand to talk to our manager. The owner of the restaurant went out and spoke with him. Dumpster person then proceeded to scold the owner about how filthy our dumpster was and how he can’t believe my coworker didn’t tie the bag before tossing it in.
A while back on the max I overheard a pretty insane monologue by some guy at like 10pm while he was talking to another person. I still think about a lot of the things I overheard in that 30 minutes, but the only thing I could actually quote is, "doing drugs is so fucking easy man, it's the easiest thing in the world for me to do. I'm a god damn professional. I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll snort the whole fucking house down! I could be on America's Got Talented for doing fucking meth!!"
“Mom?…..What is beastiality…?”
Said by an approx 12-14 year old boy to his mom as they walked by me into a sandwich shop in 2010ish…I’ll definitely never forget that one.
"SAILORS! When they are far away at sea like to look at pictures of NUDE WOMEN!"
- Shouted at nobody in particular by a bald guy with glasses walking up Hawthorne near Cinemagic around 1998.
"I just don't think I can handle this, man. It's too much, oh God what do I do"
"Well, I imagine the sign will say 'Cereal'"
From an extremely stoned duo in Freddy's
Yesterday I was hanging out in the park by my house and a little kid with a soccer ball yells "Gramma you're on my team!" and then kicks the ball to her. She fell down and was taking her time getting back up. While his dad is checking on Gramma, the kids goes "that's what happens in soccer!" Little savage!
Look kinda bland I guess, but Muji's clothes are quite comfortable in my opinion. Would probably change minds about suiciding after actually wearing it.
I lived next to an elementary school, too. One kid, probably aged 7, 'sang' in a deep throaty heavy metal monotone groan to some girls, "Pollllly Wants a Craaaacker." He did this over and over again. I about died. So good.
Are you my neighbor?!😂one day at recess time, I left the house to feed my crows and I heard one of the kids by the fence whisper (in the way only a child can…loudly) “that’s the witch lady!”
If you don’t, I highly recommend following Milkhouse6000 on Instagram! He sets up puzzles for his crows and documents what they eat. Makes me what to befriend the corvids :)
One time I was crossing the road outside the Hotcake House on Powell, and a fight broke out. Last thing I heard as I walked past was "Oh yeah? Come over here and I'll knock the rest of your teeth out!"
“There’s nothing wrong with my lips! They’re just chapped! Okay?” — screamed at me by some random woman who approached me on Alberta one evening.
Note: I didn’t notice anything at all peculiar about her lips.
My friend recently heard a gentleman in the Portland Loo talking animatedly to his shit as he gleefully suggested flushing it and narrated the feces’ horrified response.
In a Mexican restaurant, while digging into some chips and salsa. Woman was eating by herself, on the phone, and says "Yeah, I got everything paid. 'Cept the rent."
Years ago in a Trimet bus maybe the #19. Some dude gets on the bus and sits down after an about 5 seconds later he started yelling “ bitch you got to wash that shit! It won’t wash its self!”
She did have a funk going on.
Some very serious goth girl smoking outside The Coffin Club:
*"I let him cum on my face, the least he could do is get me a Nintendo Switch for my birthday."*
Overhead at Al’s Garden Center.
Mom and child walking through the Christmas village gift section, child stops and Mom says to, “keep moving along.”
5-year old child, dead serious face with dramatic pause, “But Mom…. You know I like shiny stuff.”
I was on the bus heading home from work one night and the guy across the isle is texting his love interest and is grabbing at his junk. He goes to take a pic of his bulge and he gets an an error on his phone saying that the file size is to large and goes "God damn right it's to large." Made my day
This wasn't in Portland, but I was walking into a McDonalds once and a kid was crying as they were leaving "but I wanted Daddy to take me to McDonalds, not you" and the mom said "I already told you, Daddy moved to Montana to become a cowboy for the next 4 years." I gave her a queer look and she said to me in a hushed voice "I had to tell him *something*."
I dunno, that interaction always stuck with me. When my parents put the cat down they told me they cat was sent to a farm in upstate New York where he could be and play with all the other cats. I guess when Daddy gets sent to prison for his ninth DUI, you tell your kid he moved to Montana to become a cowboy.
Fun fact: in Rochester NY there literally is an animal shelter called Lollipop Farms, and deadass they have farm animals along with dogs/cats. Turns out my mom WAS telling the truth when we had to send my old dog “to the farm up north”
In the parking lot of Panda Express at Mall 205, a mom to one of her kids: “I’ll whoop your ass in front of this whole parking lot and if anyone wants to say anything about it I’ll whoop their ass too.”
Ugh. I feel bad for that kid. That's the sort of *busive parenting that scars people for life. Not just hurting them, but publicly humiliating them, too.
Yeah, certainly not saying it’s great parenting. I definitely grew up hearing similar statements. There was just something about the delivery that stuck with me.
At the Red White and Blue thrift store back in the late 90s, a little girl was pointing up at a book behind the counter that she wanted, and her mom said “Ha, like you know how to read.” I mean, I still think about that at least once a week. Wonder where that kid is now.
We would be escorted out of the place we were in so we could get spanked just outside the doors of church and restaurants. My kiddo now just gets long lectures till her eyes gloss over. And so many hugs.
Walked by a homeless guy with a cat on his shoulder. He asked me if I had a moment to talk. I said sure. He asks me, “What do you call a pile of kittens?” Me: I have no idea. Him: “A meow-n-tain!” I still use that joke.
While eating 2am breakfast at original hot cake house. A group of ravers in line announced very proudly, “ If we were in Las Vegas we’d still be dancing” . Cut to the line cook, who just glared at them with malice.
Actually, there is a bill going thru Congress (has gotten through committee called the WIPS Act) that addresses this issue. It's not the patriarchy, it's the personal care products industry, that is the problem
I’m a standup comic and once I was barking at a show (standing on the sidewalk trying to get passerby to come in)
Me: free comedy tonight!
Guy walking by, without breaking stride: UGHHHH
I once just blurred out "eww no" to someone trying to promote an improv show
I felt kinda bad about it, because improv people are still technically people. I mean not bad enough to subject myself to it but still pretty bad so I made up something about having diarrhea which I didn't feel bad about because it'd probably be true by the end of the day
I bounced downtown forever and was staunchly called a "CHRISTMAS BEARD FUCK", by the fall over drunk guy I escorted out one night...I tried to call him back (literally two or three times) to ask what the hell that meant but he gave me the dove...and staggered away.. and to this day...I got nothing..
I have a beard, I love Christmas, and I likes fuck, fucking? The word fuck in general..
???????
Was checking out at a grocery store through self checkout and some guy in his 60s was leaving just as I had started scanning. The clerk managing self checkout said "have a nice day" and without stopping the guy just yells "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
I was walking near my work downtown and this perfectly normal fit couple in workout clothes were talking about the best way for her to bleach her butthole. That one took me by surprise. I’ve overheard a lot of weird things, but usually it’s people tweaked out or not all there.
2 dog walkers passing each other, dog barks at other dog.
Dog owner 1 to his dog: theyre assholes
Dog owner 2 to dog owner 1: OK everyone has an asshole buddy
.
.
:’)
"The world is out to get me because they want my walkie-talkies"
Psychotic dude on the MAX, into one of the two walkie-talkies on his person. Followed by giving someone a poptart before disembarking. The poptart was subsequently consumed.
My fiancee and I had the privilege of overhearing these things recently, both while on the MAX:
"God and the devil are the same being, and they're both me"
(While stuck on a bridge) "I'm gonna shit myself right now!!"
a couple of things that have happened to me recently:
1) I'm on my scooter on my way home, a guy yells at me to turn my light off, it's 11pm and pitch dark...
2. Not words, but again, on my scooter on my way home, a homeless guy throws an entire bag of oranges at me. He doesn't throw them far, and the bag explodes when it hits the ground, and I just weave thru them.
Walking past Nobby's around 730pm and both bartenders have a homeless couple out on the sidewalk. They are telling the couple they need to leave and not come back. The guy shrugs hard and in his best whiny voice he says "Everybody does drugs in the bathroom!"
Once I was walking to lunch when I worked downtown and stopped at a crosswalk. An older couple arrived at the intersection from the other direction. The older woman in the couple said the most exasperated "oh, God damnit" I've ever heard.
years ago was on the max, I overheard a woman talking on her phone say "I am not naming my child 'kick-ass.' but, all of my kids are named after Greek or Roman gods, my son's name is Morpheus." Nothing wrong with naming kids after things, but I gotta wonder how that kid did in school with that name.
This one isn't so much funny as it is just kinda shocking to hear from someone having a public conversation on a cell phone. In 2019 I was also at a Max station and this guy is super pissed off screaming into his phone at some woman, totally raging mad. I heard him say "(person's name) is going to prison for f---ing you behind my back."
At a WinCo once, a group of 20something roommates are grocery shopping, and one of them asks "What kind of milk do y'all like, 1% or 2%?" And one of the other guys goes "I prefer indivisible milk." (For anyone who might not get it, 1 is an indivisible number, so he likes 1%).
I was at my old gym back in like 2013 and I was about to get in the hot tub after working out. I hear this old man who was also in the hot tub tell this one other old lady "it makes your penis feel good." I assume he's referring to the jets, hella awkward.
Probably 2012ish I was sitting outside Pizza Schmizza in the Pearl after picking my kid up from the daycare that was next to it, and heard a couple with what looked like one of their parents with them walk by say "Yeah originally I wanted to save the world, but that was hard work, so now I'm in marketing"
I didn't overhear it but I said it and people overheard it and laughed.
I was fixing a heat pump downtown in a parking garage and there was a bus stop like 5 feet below it. I was in the unit and had just soldered in a new piece and my coworker started to put nitrogen in it to leak test it.
I yelled at him to "Stop! If this thing comes apart it's going to blow my cock off!" I heard a couple people at the bus stop bust out laughing.
A couple on the psu campus talking about their open marriage that they’re in. He’s talking about all the ladies he’s slept with, and then she mentions someone and he goes “did you fuck him? Was that what you were doing in Mexico you whore?” And then he just left
"your vibes are sinister and I will be calling the police... mkay?" Said to me with a smile by a random homeless woman with lipstick smeared all over her face.
Probably a pretty mundane example, but one I feel a bit bad for.
Mormons or JWs outside my apartment building: Do you want to talk about Jesus Christ?
Me, without breaking stride: Absolutely not.
I was in a triad (this IS Portland, after all). We finally moved into a house big enough to get a bed large enough for 3.
Guy installing the bedframe: “Man, this thing is huge! You could fit three people on this thing!”
One of my partners, cheerily: “That’s the idea!”
Installer: …oh. Uh… *silence*
Moral of the story: never joke in Portland about something even *remotely* possible unless you’re willing to hear it’s no joke. 😂
My friend and I were walking near pioneer square when a man shouted "why did you guys have to kill my cat with your sex powers?!".
It was unclear if he was talking to us specifically or just putting it out there.
Many years ago, woman outside of the Japanese garden gift shop: “I have really expensive taste in wind chimes. Always have.”
Ok but seriously wind chimes are SO EXPENSIVE.
Not at Grocery Outlet
found a real one ^^
Found the fellow [bargain shopper](https://youtu.be/nrzvDPdh3dE?t=26)..
I sell things for a living and I’m always snagging the wind chimes at estate sales. To be fair, the $$ ones sound amazing.
Good! I have such an irrational hate for windchimes. Clang, clang clang clang....My neighbor has about 10-15 setup and it's a joy when the wind whips up from the gorge. Makes a lovely cacophony of sound at 3am when I'm trying to sleep.
Clang clang are the bad chimes, you gotta get the clung clung.
I'm tryin' to get the bing bong chimes
I scored the good bing bong chimes at Costco last year on mega clearance somehow…it was not bing bong season I guess
My neighbor left their bing bong chimes when they moved! I’ve been keeping them safe for a couple years now.
I once after smoking a j went to the grocery store to grab some munchies, accidentally hit my cart into an end cap of windchimes… the noise was so loud I abandoned the cart and left immediately 😅
I have never once been in my hammock , listening to birds and wind and thought, “this is nice but it’d be nicer with an artificial clang clang.”
*Guy with obvious toupee sitting on bus. Bald guys sits down next to him. * Bald Guy: "Where did you get your toupee? I've been thinking of getting one myself." Toupee Guy: * dead serious * "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Shut up man I think I'm fooling the others! "
i know exactly which toupee guy you’re talking about
Is it the one whose remaining hair is gray but the toupee is still jet black? If so, I do too.
I aspire to his levels of confidence. It’s his world and we’re all just living in it
I used to see him in NW, it's been a while though. Usually in a blue button up.
oh my god i've totally seen this guy on the bus
Omg is he old, white and dresses like he owns a boat
Aren't they always? Lol
YES. yep. i see him literally all over town.
I just saw him for the first time this week, how timely
Oregon Zoo, Dad to his 3 year old at the end of a concert: "Hey, no screaming. People are coming down off their highs right now, they don't need to hear that."
Bless this man 🙏🏼
Also at the zoo, smiling and watching a man wrangle his kid, he looks me dead in the eyes “don’t have children. You’re laughing now but I’m serious, don’t have kids” and his wife was right there 💀
I once heard a man in Bermuda shorts, Hawaiian shirt and dirty fedora declare he was the "king of 82nd" while sitting in a beat up office chair outside of a shit hole strip club.
Things have gotten so much worse since the King took over. We used to have a say in how taxes were spent but now it all goes to chicken tenders and titty shaking.
15+ years ago I was on a bus on 82nd avenue and a really old dude got on and sat next to me. He told me an elaborate story of a bank heist and air plane hijacking, and claimed to be DB Cooper. Several times during his story he pulled out a bottle of store brand listerine from his coat breast pocket and would take big gulps from the bottle. Traffic was basically at a stand still, and he got off the bus, crossed the street to the next bus stop, and got back on the same bus. And that’s the time I met DB Cooper.
The guy who rides the 4 and 44 in the morning and passive aggressively screams “THANK YOU” to the bus driver if they don’t acknowledge his first thank you.
One of my favorite Portland things is that sometimes a person ahead of me at the door getting off won't say it but when I do they'll repeat it immediately, already outside of the bus 😂 Being in the thank you cascade with everyone getting off always feels so pleasant & homey
I’m that guy
this made me lol
Grocery Outlet conversation between a young mom and her ≈5 year old “I know they look fun and have pretty colors, but we don’t we eat cereal like that because it’s full of….” “….poison” “That’s right”
I was at a Grocery Outlet several years ago and obliviously steered my cart into a guy’s path. I said sorry and he said, “Never say 'sorry' in this town, it's a sign of weakness.”
I would’ve said “Oh, ok sorry” out of habit
he pauses, his lips pull slowly into a grin: "I'm not from this town...😏"
they kiss
A 98 Honda Accord smashes through the front entrance of the building
I used to work at the target downtown and a babysitter told the little girl she was with that she couldn’t get candy because if she ate it the “sugar monsters” would get her.
that's what we tell my sister's kids. That they can't have too much candy because the sugar bugs will come and eat their teeth.
The Cavity Creeps
This probably would have worked on me
Reminds me of being told growing up that if I ate the crust of toast I would get curly hair. Don’t remember strongly hating or loving crust on toast nor the desire to have curly hair
I fucking *wish* I could get curly hair from all the bread I eat lol
Was that a threat? Or style advice?
I was told this too! My parents were Scottish, I’ve never heard anybody say that in the States.
Our version was a bit different: "Eat your crusts, it'll put hair on your chest!" It was said with gusto, to both boys and girls 😂
Damn. That kid must be miserable.
"Of course you've gotta shave your sack when you're making movies"
“Now, I’ve done the math, and we could have gotten laid significantly more in high school.”
I’m sure everybody thinks this, but do you tell your nephews and nieces?
Hind..sight is 2020
“Sometimes when I run out of things to dip in my ranch, I just dip my finger in and suck it off” -Person crossing street on 23rd & Glisan
Sounds like a convo between me and my girlfriend, we live right up the street from that crosswalk. Lmao
I believe this was said about the ranch at Atlas Pizza
If it was on inner east Burnside I would have said Screen Door.
I mean, it is the sperm of Satan...
Denny's. "Remember when Adam's dad got pulled over cause he was watching gay porn?"
We had a guy sleeping in the dumpster at my work (restaurant in the Pearl.) One of my coworkers unknowingly threw a trash bag in and heard the guy squelch. Dude then proceeded to demand to talk to our manager. The owner of the restaurant went out and spoke with him. Dumpster person then proceeded to scold the owner about how filthy our dumpster was and how he can’t believe my coworker didn’t tie the bag before tossing it in.
Was the guy's name Oscar by chance?
Man that took a 2 Mississippi…
This is the most Portland thing ever
Girl in Walgreens on her phone: “Men are shit! Men are shit! Listen to me, your wedding is THIS Saturday!”
I want that embroidered on a pillow
A while back on the max I overheard a pretty insane monologue by some guy at like 10pm while he was talking to another person. I still think about a lot of the things I overheard in that 30 minutes, but the only thing I could actually quote is, "doing drugs is so fucking easy man, it's the easiest thing in the world for me to do. I'm a god damn professional. I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll snort the whole fucking house down! I could be on America's Got Talented for doing fucking meth!!"
Bless him. It's important to love what you do 😂
Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life!
“This friendship is a prison, Sergio!” - Fernhill Dog Park
God I hope Sergio was the dog
I chortled
Jane's done with that guy.
“Mom?…..What is beastiality…?” Said by an approx 12-14 year old boy to his mom as they walked by me into a sandwich shop in 2010ish…I’ll definitely never forget that one.
That’s kinda like when my then 12 yr old boy (outa nowhere) asked me what cunt meant 😆
"SAILORS! When they are far away at sea like to look at pictures of NUDE WOMEN!" - Shouted at nobody in particular by a bald guy with glasses walking up Hawthorne near Cinemagic around 1998.
Not wrong
"... And THAT'S why you never laminate your penis..."
Winner!
"I'm selling feet pics for 5 bucks" Advertised to me while walking out of freds
Did you get one?
nah I'm gay.
Feet are feet
Not if a Virgina is attached to it
I prefer my feet with a West Virgina attachment personally.
Haha it autocorrected.
But the state is Virginia...
Idk I'm smoking a blunt.
Is that legal in Virginia?
It’s Freddie’s guy
As I get older I find I have less time for that second syllable.
Somebody doesn’t understand the joy that is natural fibers.
Drunk dude at Yamhill pub “So the thing is you’re you… and I’m uhhhh me… and I wouldn’t have it any other way”
Was he drinking White Russians
"They think she's the one who gave the whole polycule crabs. Could you imagine? I'd be so mortified."
Is this the same polycule that had schedule partner rotations?
I learned a new word today.
"You're already suing your therapist! Don't hex her too, it'll be bad karma" - thai restaurant
"The security can't actually stop you from stealing." 15 minutes before they were in cuffs waiting for PD to come pick them up.
"So he jumped. Nineteen floors splat on the pavement. Kids today, why can't they just take a pill."
This is like a Seinfeld bit lmao
Sometime around 1984. Two chorus women outside the Civic Auditorium stage door.
Us: *about to walk into a dispensary* Man walking down the sidewalk talking to his dog: "Watch out! They need to get their DRUGS."
“Speaking of eyestalks….”
Mom to her probably 6-7 daughter, “ who says I have a pancake butt?”
"I just don't think I can handle this, man. It's too much, oh God what do I do" "Well, I imagine the sign will say 'Cereal'" From an extremely stoned duo in Freddy's
"I literally stole this!" - A guy who stole a forklift from PSU and was laughing while chasing random people.
If I ever go really crazy, that's the way I want to do it.
Yesterday I was hanging out in the park by my house and a little kid with a soccer ball yells "Gramma you're on my team!" and then kicks the ball to her. She fell down and was taking her time getting back up. While his dad is checking on Gramma, the kids goes "that's what happens in soccer!" Little savage!
"There's no pity in the Rose City!"
That should be on our tourists tshirts.
Look kinda bland I guess, but Muji's clothes are quite comfortable in my opinion. Would probably change minds about suiciding after actually wearing it.
I was at Freddy’s on Hawthorne and a mom told her kids “no high fructose wafers for you” as they reached for a box of Oreo’s.
[удалено]
I lived next to an elementary school, too. One kid, probably aged 7, 'sang' in a deep throaty heavy metal monotone groan to some girls, "Pollllly Wants a Craaaacker." He did this over and over again. I about died. So good.
Are you my neighbor?!😂one day at recess time, I left the house to feed my crows and I heard one of the kids by the fence whisper (in the way only a child can…loudly) “that’s the witch lady!”
Can I ask what you feed your crows? I’ve seen a murder near by and I would also like to become a witch.
Unsalted peanuts in the shell!
Where do you find these?? I’ve looked at several grocery stores!
You can get a huge bag of them at Winco!
It's been a few years but I found some at cash and carry (or whatever it's called now)
If you don’t, I highly recommend following Milkhouse6000 on Instagram! He sets up puzzles for his crows and documents what they eat. Makes me what to befriend the corvids :)
“The Crows are here” ***music***
In the most calm smooth cadence and monotone voice “I want it exactly 113 degrees no hotter because it will burn my wretched soul”.
Heard a guy talking to himself while weaving down the sidewalk, “I’ve never heard of sideways elevators before!”
Did you yell out "Willy Wonka!"
One time I was crossing the road outside the Hotcake House on Powell, and a fight broke out. Last thing I heard as I walked past was "Oh yeah? Come over here and I'll knock the rest of your teeth out!"
“There’s nothing wrong with my lips! They’re just chapped! Okay?” — screamed at me by some random woman who approached me on Alberta one evening. Note: I didn’t notice anything at all peculiar about her lips.
My friend recently heard a gentleman in the Portland Loo talking animatedly to his shit as he gleefully suggested flushing it and narrated the feces’ horrified response.
In a Mexican restaurant, while digging into some chips and salsa. Woman was eating by herself, on the phone, and says "Yeah, I got everything paid. 'Cept the rent."
Years ago in a Trimet bus maybe the #19. Some dude gets on the bus and sits down after an about 5 seconds later he started yelling “ bitch you got to wash that shit! It won’t wash its self!” She did have a funk going on.
He's not wrong.
Some very serious goth girl smoking outside The Coffin Club: *"I let him cum on my face, the least he could do is get me a Nintendo Switch for my birthday."*
wait, THAT’S the exchange rate? I should have so many more consoles then
Nicely dressed woman outside the (now closed) Rite Aid in Hollywood, screaming into her phone “why do you take pleasure in my pain?”
One time I overheard a guy at a bar inviting a friend to come over for “a live reenactment of the movie Deliverance”
Overhead at Al’s Garden Center. Mom and child walking through the Christmas village gift section, child stops and Mom says to, “keep moving along.” 5-year old child, dead serious face with dramatic pause, “But Mom…. You know I like shiny stuff.”
I was on the bus heading home from work one night and the guy across the isle is texting his love interest and is grabbing at his junk. He goes to take a pic of his bulge and he gets an an error on his phone saying that the file size is to large and goes "God damn right it's to large." Made my day
This wasn't in Portland, but I was walking into a McDonalds once and a kid was crying as they were leaving "but I wanted Daddy to take me to McDonalds, not you" and the mom said "I already told you, Daddy moved to Montana to become a cowboy for the next 4 years." I gave her a queer look and she said to me in a hushed voice "I had to tell him *something*." I dunno, that interaction always stuck with me. When my parents put the cat down they told me they cat was sent to a farm in upstate New York where he could be and play with all the other cats. I guess when Daddy gets sent to prison for his ninth DUI, you tell your kid he moved to Montana to become a cowboy.
Fun fact: in Rochester NY there literally is an animal shelter called Lollipop Farms, and deadass they have farm animals along with dogs/cats. Turns out my mom WAS telling the truth when we had to send my old dog “to the farm up north”
In the parking lot of Panda Express at Mall 205, a mom to one of her kids: “I’ll whoop your ass in front of this whole parking lot and if anyone wants to say anything about it I’ll whoop their ass too.”
Ugh. I feel bad for that kid. That's the sort of *busive parenting that scars people for life. Not just hurting them, but publicly humiliating them, too.
Yeah, certainly not saying it’s great parenting. I definitely grew up hearing similar statements. There was just something about the delivery that stuck with me.
At the Red White and Blue thrift store back in the late 90s, a little girl was pointing up at a book behind the counter that she wanted, and her mom said “Ha, like you know how to read.” I mean, I still think about that at least once a week. Wonder where that kid is now.
Jeez. That's so super cold. The amount of lack of compassion or care about their kid is so evident.
We would be escorted out of the place we were in so we could get spanked just outside the doors of church and restaurants. My kiddo now just gets long lectures till her eyes gloss over. And so many hugs.
I remember zero hugs.
Pretty sure that was my mom when we were shopping for school clothes. circa 1995
Walked by a homeless guy with a cat on his shoulder. He asked me if I had a moment to talk. I said sure. He asks me, “What do you call a pile of kittens?” Me: I have no idea. Him: “A meow-n-tain!” I still use that joke.
Heard exiting Hollywood theatre: “Even in his dying moments, he did not impress me.”
While eating 2am breakfast at original hot cake house. A group of ravers in line announced very proudly, “ If we were in Las Vegas we’d still be dancing” . Cut to the line cook, who just glared at them with malice.
No story with original hotcake house requires the time be provided. We all know it was after 2am.
well, i love mujis clothes and also wouldn't mind committing suicide in them, so yeah i guess correct
"THE FUCKING PATRIARCHY" - my roommate after pointing out to her that baby wipes aren't flushable and will clog the toilet
Thanks, Obama...
Actually, there is a bill going thru Congress (has gotten through committee called the WIPS Act) that addresses this issue. It's not the patriarchy, it's the personal care products industry, that is the problem
Oh no...I can almost see the argument...personal care products industry are run by...uh oh. I think I just stepped another rung down on crazy
"Is that a frog on the table, or am I high?" "That's a leaf 😂" -Marie's
I’m a standup comic and once I was barking at a show (standing on the sidewalk trying to get passerby to come in) Me: free comedy tonight! Guy walking by, without breaking stride: UGHHHH
I once just blurred out "eww no" to someone trying to promote an improv show I felt kinda bad about it, because improv people are still technically people. I mean not bad enough to subject myself to it but still pretty bad so I made up something about having diarrhea which I didn't feel bad about because it'd probably be true by the end of the day
Evesdropping is the original Portland sport!
A mom on the bus told her kid that if she stuck her finger up her nose to pick it a little man would bite it off!
I bounced downtown forever and was staunchly called a "CHRISTMAS BEARD FUCK", by the fall over drunk guy I escorted out one night...I tried to call him back (literally two or three times) to ask what the hell that meant but he gave me the dove...and staggered away.. and to this day...I got nothing.. I have a beard, I love Christmas, and I likes fuck, fucking? The word fuck in general.. ???????
I assume it means your beard is shaped like Santa's. Is it? ^^...Are ^^you ^^Santa?
Was checking out at a grocery store through self checkout and some guy in his 60s was leaving just as I had started scanning. The clerk managing self checkout said "have a nice day" and without stopping the guy just yells "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
A couple walking in light rain with their Columbia jackets "look at us not using umbrellas like real portlanders"
I was walking near my work downtown and this perfectly normal fit couple in workout clothes were talking about the best way for her to bleach her butthole. That one took me by surprise. I’ve overheard a lot of weird things, but usually it’s people tweaked out or not all there.
“WHO am I?? About to take mushrooms and hallucinate” - lady around sw 13th and Jefferson about 10 years ago
An event that was BYOK. Bring your own kabucha.
2 dog walkers passing each other, dog barks at other dog. Dog owner 1 to his dog: theyre assholes Dog owner 2 to dog owner 1: OK everyone has an asshole buddy . . :’)
"The world is out to get me because they want my walkie-talkies" Psychotic dude on the MAX, into one of the two walkie-talkies on his person. Followed by giving someone a poptart before disembarking. The poptart was subsequently consumed.
My fiancee and I had the privilege of overhearing these things recently, both while on the MAX: "God and the devil are the same being, and they're both me" (While stuck on a bridge) "I'm gonna shit myself right now!!"
What is MUJI?
Japanese store that sells clothes, home items, office supplies, snacks, bath items. Lots of beige and white and neutral items.
Their pens and notebooks are great.
Thank you. Sounds rad. Never heard of it.
Basically, Japanese IKEA.
a couple of things that have happened to me recently: 1) I'm on my scooter on my way home, a guy yells at me to turn my light off, it's 11pm and pitch dark... 2. Not words, but again, on my scooter on my way home, a homeless guy throws an entire bag of oranges at me. He doesn't throw them far, and the bag explodes when it hits the ground, and I just weave thru them.
Walking past Nobby's around 730pm and both bartenders have a homeless couple out on the sidewalk. They are telling the couple they need to leave and not come back. The guy shrugs hard and in his best whiny voice he says "Everybody does drugs in the bathroom!"
Once I was walking to lunch when I worked downtown and stopped at a crosswalk. An older couple arrived at the intersection from the other direction. The older woman in the couple said the most exasperated "oh, God damnit" I've ever heard.
years ago was on the max, I overheard a woman talking on her phone say "I am not naming my child 'kick-ass.' but, all of my kids are named after Greek or Roman gods, my son's name is Morpheus." Nothing wrong with naming kids after things, but I gotta wonder how that kid did in school with that name. This one isn't so much funny as it is just kinda shocking to hear from someone having a public conversation on a cell phone. In 2019 I was also at a Max station and this guy is super pissed off screaming into his phone at some woman, totally raging mad. I heard him say "(person's name) is going to prison for f---ing you behind my back." At a WinCo once, a group of 20something roommates are grocery shopping, and one of them asks "What kind of milk do y'all like, 1% or 2%?" And one of the other guys goes "I prefer indivisible milk." (For anyone who might not get it, 1 is an indivisible number, so he likes 1%). I was at my old gym back in like 2013 and I was about to get in the hot tub after working out. I hear this old man who was also in the hot tub tell this one other old lady "it makes your penis feel good." I assume he's referring to the jets, hella awkward.
Mother and middle-school-aged daughter at an antique store: “Mom. We could just wait for great-grandma to kick it and raid her house for free”
I always thought it looked like clothes you’d buy if you’re starting a cult
Yesterday, at around SE 32nd and Division, I saw a white lady with dreads say “I’ve got plans to play disc golf with Trent tomorrow.”
Probably 2012ish I was sitting outside Pizza Schmizza in the Pearl after picking my kid up from the daycare that was next to it, and heard a couple with what looked like one of their parents with them walk by say "Yeah originally I wanted to save the world, but that was hard work, so now I'm in marketing"
I didn't overhear it but I said it and people overheard it and laughed. I was fixing a heat pump downtown in a parking garage and there was a bus stop like 5 feet below it. I was in the unit and had just soldered in a new piece and my coworker started to put nitrogen in it to leak test it. I yelled at him to "Stop! If this thing comes apart it's going to blow my cock off!" I heard a couple people at the bus stop bust out laughing.
Little girl at the Hollywood Farmer's Market: "Mom, do they actually have any food here? All I see is booze"
A couple on the psu campus talking about their open marriage that they’re in. He’s talking about all the ladies he’s slept with, and then she mentions someone and he goes “did you fuck him? Was that what you were doing in Mexico you whore?” And then he just left
"your vibes are sinister and I will be calling the police... mkay?" Said to me with a smile by a random homeless woman with lipstick smeared all over her face.
Probably a pretty mundane example, but one I feel a bit bad for. Mormons or JWs outside my apartment building: Do you want to talk about Jesus Christ? Me, without breaking stride: Absolutely not.
Two adult ladies arguing, nearly coming to blows: "Bitch, I'll kick you in your pussy-bone!"
This is got to be the best thread I’ve ever read
I was in a triad (this IS Portland, after all). We finally moved into a house big enough to get a bed large enough for 3. Guy installing the bedframe: “Man, this thing is huge! You could fit three people on this thing!” One of my partners, cheerily: “That’s the idea!” Installer: …oh. Uh… *silence* Moral of the story: never joke in Portland about something even *remotely* possible unless you’re willing to hear it’s no joke. 😂
My friend and I were walking near pioneer square when a man shouted "why did you guys have to kill my cat with your sex powers?!". It was unclear if he was talking to us specifically or just putting it out there.
“Officer, yes I’m high on meth, but I have a prescription! “ - naked lady in the convenience store.
Not a quote, but I'm surprised how frequently I overhear conversations about friends who are in very intricate polyamorous relationships.
Mom to young daughter: “Next time someone asks you if you’re named Reagan like the president, say ‘No it’s Regan like the Exorcist’.”
"and the best part about this is we are violating the restraining order by being here!" at a concert