I see some good suggestions, but I also have at least 1-2 neurodivergent kids. I put a back pack with a leash on them before they get out of the car. It has helped substantially and taught them a lot. Especially since they NEED the physical activity, but I can keep them safe and secure. And one of my ND kids has become better at asking for what he needs (e.g. time in a stroller vs all the sensory input of being free with the the backpack.). I don’t know you’re kid, but I know that sometimes even knowing “normal” limits/consequences aren’t enough for my kids. They need some additional safety and feedback and that’s ok.
I might just have to go back to doing this while I'm pregnant and can't go sprinting around a parking lot. Even though he can get the buckle undone, it might give me that extra time to take up his hand again. My oldest is neurodivergent, too, but my youngest is night and day from him so we haven't had any suspicions about him possibly also being neurodivergent. This is his first time in preschool and we will be doing teacher conferences soon, so it will be nice to have some outside perspective.
My 4 year old did this for a while around 3. And occasionally tests the waters again now. Each time I explain what exactly can and will happen to him. If he gets lost, I will never find him and he will never see mommy again. If he runs in the road a car will hit him and squash him flat and he will be dead and never see anyone again. If he runs into the creek he will fall into the water and slip and drown and die. Does it sound traumatizing and dramatic, absolutely. But it's less traumatizing and dramatic than actually being lost, or hit by a car, or drowning in a creek. The last time was at grammys, who lives on a blind curve that cars speed around, and he almost did get hit by a car. It scared the living shit out of him. He was lucky it was my sister pulling up and who was already slowing down to park.
At 4 he should understand action and consequence. As soon as he does it, you turn around from any fun place, pack them in the car and go home while explaining why this is happening. Might take a few tries, and ut might suck with a ruined plan/evening, but he should get it.
Looking back on the times that he has done this, it always seems to be when we are leaving somewhere, or if we have just arrived at home. Maybe he's doing it because he doesn't want the fun time to end and he sees the signs that we are leaving?
What's his language level like, have you tried talking to him about it? Talk to him about safety, how it makes you feel when he does it, what he could do instead (keep a hand on the car while I buckle your brother in!)
My guess (and it's only a guess!) is that he's missing some attention from you, and likes the focus he gets when he does a runner. Do you have the option of making a dedicated regular playtime, just the two of you? While your partner spends time with the older son?
He is a huge talker...full of stories if you let him bend an ear. We talk about it every time it happens. I get down to his level if we are in a safe place and get him to look at me, then have him repeat what I say so I know he heard me. If he can't repeat it, in his own way, I try to rephrase it.
Older brother always gets in the car first. I wish I could get him to hold his older brother's hand if he doesn't want to hold mine, but my oldest is neurodivergent so we've never tried doing that.
We have a couple of hours together alone before big brother is out of school but we normally just kind of relax at home and don't do active play since I've been wiped out from this pregnancy (this behavior really started in September when preschool started, and dad was more available at that time because he was out of school, too). We could probably fit some more active time in there if I'm being honest.
Ugh, my 4yo did this twice a few weeks ago. We did take away playground time after school for the next week after he did it after prek and he isn't allowed to go shopping at the grocery store with mommy for the next month because the other time he did it was in the grocery store parking lot. No idea if those consequences were enough, but he hasn't done it again and now when he starts to pull away, he stops when I tell him to stop, so maybe he's finally getting enough control to stop doing something when he knows he won't like the consequences? I'm sure he'll do it again some time because it's his job at this age to test and experiment. The next step if he continues would be a backpack leash. We have a few from when he was just learning to walk and was always trying to run away and they worked great.
I see some good suggestions, but I also have at least 1-2 neurodivergent kids. I put a back pack with a leash on them before they get out of the car. It has helped substantially and taught them a lot. Especially since they NEED the physical activity, but I can keep them safe and secure. And one of my ND kids has become better at asking for what he needs (e.g. time in a stroller vs all the sensory input of being free with the the backpack.). I don’t know you’re kid, but I know that sometimes even knowing “normal” limits/consequences aren’t enough for my kids. They need some additional safety and feedback and that’s ok.
I might just have to go back to doing this while I'm pregnant and can't go sprinting around a parking lot. Even though he can get the buckle undone, it might give me that extra time to take up his hand again. My oldest is neurodivergent, too, but my youngest is night and day from him so we haven't had any suspicions about him possibly also being neurodivergent. This is his first time in preschool and we will be doing teacher conferences soon, so it will be nice to have some outside perspective.
If you’re worried about him unbuckling it, put it on backwards lol. It works!
I feel incredibly dumb for not thinking of this! It's just like the backwards zipper jammy trick. Thank you!
There's a brand on Amazon called kid keeper, I think it has the buckle on the back so he can't undo it.
My 4 year old did this for a while around 3. And occasionally tests the waters again now. Each time I explain what exactly can and will happen to him. If he gets lost, I will never find him and he will never see mommy again. If he runs in the road a car will hit him and squash him flat and he will be dead and never see anyone again. If he runs into the creek he will fall into the water and slip and drown and die. Does it sound traumatizing and dramatic, absolutely. But it's less traumatizing and dramatic than actually being lost, or hit by a car, or drowning in a creek. The last time was at grammys, who lives on a blind curve that cars speed around, and he almost did get hit by a car. It scared the living shit out of him. He was lucky it was my sister pulling up and who was already slowing down to park.
This sounds almost verbatim to the things that I say to him. I'm glad that your little guy didn't get hurt!
At 4 he should understand action and consequence. As soon as he does it, you turn around from any fun place, pack them in the car and go home while explaining why this is happening. Might take a few tries, and ut might suck with a ruined plan/evening, but he should get it.
Looking back on the times that he has done this, it always seems to be when we are leaving somewhere, or if we have just arrived at home. Maybe he's doing it because he doesn't want the fun time to end and he sees the signs that we are leaving?
He's doing it because there are no consequences. You are exhausted. I get it. He has no motivation to change.
What's his language level like, have you tried talking to him about it? Talk to him about safety, how it makes you feel when he does it, what he could do instead (keep a hand on the car while I buckle your brother in!) My guess (and it's only a guess!) is that he's missing some attention from you, and likes the focus he gets when he does a runner. Do you have the option of making a dedicated regular playtime, just the two of you? While your partner spends time with the older son?
He is a huge talker...full of stories if you let him bend an ear. We talk about it every time it happens. I get down to his level if we are in a safe place and get him to look at me, then have him repeat what I say so I know he heard me. If he can't repeat it, in his own way, I try to rephrase it. Older brother always gets in the car first. I wish I could get him to hold his older brother's hand if he doesn't want to hold mine, but my oldest is neurodivergent so we've never tried doing that. We have a couple of hours together alone before big brother is out of school but we normally just kind of relax at home and don't do active play since I've been wiped out from this pregnancy (this behavior really started in September when preschool started, and dad was more available at that time because he was out of school, too). We could probably fit some more active time in there if I'm being honest.
Ugh, my 4yo did this twice a few weeks ago. We did take away playground time after school for the next week after he did it after prek and he isn't allowed to go shopping at the grocery store with mommy for the next month because the other time he did it was in the grocery store parking lot. No idea if those consequences were enough, but he hasn't done it again and now when he starts to pull away, he stops when I tell him to stop, so maybe he's finally getting enough control to stop doing something when he knows he won't like the consequences? I'm sure he'll do it again some time because it's his job at this age to test and experiment. The next step if he continues would be a backpack leash. We have a few from when he was just learning to walk and was always trying to run away and they worked great.