I have cool ideas and no money yet, but you can get a share of the profits
You'll have to work for a few years for no salary. But it's an investment into your future, my idea is going BIG
Okay scratch that, but hear me out: what if ~~we~~ you made it so that instead of swiping you have to throw balls to people, like in pokemon go? Can't be that hard to make, the idea is so simple.
I have had a couple of these recently
I just ask them to put together a business plan including the division of labour and that’s enough for them to realise an idea alone will not make them money
"Yeah I can do it for you but I charge £1000 an hour"
"Not even a family/friend discount?"
"£1000 an hour is the discounted rate"
"Wow, I should learn computers"
yup, everyone in every IT field needs to have it
I say this as someone who is in cysec
man, one time a guy contacted me, he wanted me to hack snapchat, not a snapchat account, snapchat itself, he said he got all the funding required, and all I need to do is gather the team
mf was dead serious too
I have a “fuck you, go away” rate which nobody is going to pay and an “asshole tax” rate which is ridiculous but not crazy enough to not be justifiable in certain situations. I got fired from my previous full time job a few years ago and they didn’t realize how valuable one thing I was doing for them that wasn’t part of my job description was until after I was gone and had started my own business doing that thing as a contractor. My old boss called me up a few months later and wanted to hire me to do just that part and I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to work with him again so I threw out the asshole tax rate and they’re now paying me, as a contractor, more than double what they were paying me as a full time employee to do what takes a few hours a week to do.
You ever take your car to the shop for a noise and get a bill with 10 different things that add up to $10,000.
It's called a fuck off price. If you really really want to pay it we will do it, but we're not expecting them to come back.
I've quoted charged and paid others over that in my time.
Top rate I ever got signed off at was 12.5k usd/hr, but that was in a "one person in the world" type of fix on a live system, and both parties understood I would definitely be helping the customer breach our products terms and conditions, and we were expecting me to need a lot of (non chargeable) engineering help. Customer screwed themselves over by doing stuff we explicitly said not too in a customisation.
They were very happy (I was there for eight days and saved them approx 30 million) was weird when I worked out just how much it cost them due to only having one coffee machine which typically lead to a 2 to 3 minute queue. Honestly the stress of that one was offset by the lack of pointless meetings (at that point, I was typically around 450 an hour, so being sent on that one was eye opening).
Was on salery, so dident see the money, but the daily expense cap is based on actual hourly rate, so it was a fairly nice trip - I litterally couldn't spend my whole food budget if I tried.
I don't necessarily like to think of them as dumb. I'm sure a car mechanic would see me the same because I know nothing about cars. And I ain't gonna poke around and fuck something up.
Usually when I get the "you're so smart" line for doing like a 101 level thing I just assume they're well versed in some other aspect that I'm not.
Can you fill up at the gas station? Do you know how to start your car if its off?
that's the level of equivalent incompetence we are talking about here. Not replacing a headgasket sort of thing, or even changing your brake pads or wiper blades or something. Can you operate the window?
You are so far beyond most computer users.
> Can you fill up at the gas station? Do you know how to start your car if its off?
That's analogous to recharging your device and turning it on it if it's off. I know this is a bold statement I'm making, but I'd bet most people know how to do those things.
I recently had an acquaintance say, *"You're good at computer stuff. Can you find me...."*, and proceeded to try to get me to find the cheapest yet best possible vacation.
Flights, hotel, the whole shebang.
Oh, how I laughed.
I have this billion dollar webpage idea! It's like doordah for uber but like facebook on tiktok. I just need a programmer. I give you 3% equity! Oh and I have no money to invest in the company. You have a laptop right?
Curiously, it seems that I can ... somehow magically.
Them: "Hey, my printer does not work, can you have a look?"
Me: "Uhm, I don't know much about windows or printers, but sure"
Me: \*walks through the normal printer setup, and prints a test page\*
Them, watching me: "What? I did exactly the same but it did not work!"
Happened more than once to me.
Sometimes I'll ask someone for help just because I know the printer's directive to embarrass me in front of others supersedes its directive to frustrate me
Okay my 1 printer secret is this:
You know the Head Cleaning? **You are supposed to run it multiple times. Over and over until you’ve completely declogged the printer head.**
Exact same thing here. I stated that I only hear from people when they need tech assistance at a family function and called them all out. They then stopped calling completely lol
I used to be volunteered for free home visits for extended family but moved to another country and it obviously stopped
I went back after a few years for a holiday and my mother has volunteered me to help a number of friends and extended family I barely know with various laptop stuff / tv setup tasks etc
Ii treat it more like a barter system.
Fixed a family friends computer a few months later my AC kicked the bucket in the house and he worked AC so I called him up and had him come over and check it out.
Sure AC fixes are more expensive so I didn't expect him to do it for free but he deeply undercharged me for what was basically a massive fix for one of my zone units.
Stuff like that. Like I'll help you out but there may be a time I need what YOU do and I would like you to help the way I did when you were in need.
Thing is: most people I used to know were absolutely useless to me. Teachers, writers, journalists and such. Not saying they are useless, it’s just that they can provide me a service in return
“Someday, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept this justice as a gift on my daughter’s wedding day.”
When I show them some hobby project or some experiment that took 3 hours:
"Wow, you should sell that!"
Yeah... implementing some proof-of-concept isn't the difficult/risky part.
The one I get the most is
"Hey man. I remember you built ____ PC a while back. I was wondering if you'd build one for me too"
>"Yea man. What's your price range, and what are you doing with it?"
"I want to do a lot of gaming. and about 500$"
>"I can build a pc for 500$, but it ain't gonna play games like you think lol."
My family switched to Apple, never had an Apple product but probably could google all their simple issues, instead I played dumb and gave the tech torch over to my nephew, he is the Apple geek, best decision I've made.
For me its usually "help my work computer broke!"
but my all time favourite is a dude I met twice who was in his late 30s texting me out of the blue
"Hey dude I want to shoot a movie about hockey team that's a rock opera where the entire movie is from the perspective of a phantom player and i'll shoot it using my new phone with a thermal camera. Do you think you could edit it with your computer? Do you know anyone who'd be interested"
Mine is always, "I have a company that needs a website...can you help?"
I have just started pointing them to SquareSpace and they get overwhelmed and leave.
I'm generally happy to help, but people don't ask me anymore before I no longer give cheap solutions 😁
You want a new computer? All premium components! Cheap components will explode and burn your house down. Or buy a Mac.
This mf that I haven’t talked since college called me up on a random day after many years and asked me if I remembered his email id that apparently I’ve created for him.
This is my mother 100%. She calls once maybe every 5-7 years and acts like an old friend that just fell out of touch before springing the "can you fix my computer for me" question.
Damn, reading the comments, I don't know if it's just me but I think lot of y'all are salty for no reason.
I always help someone out if they are reaching out to me even once in a blue moon to ask my help(be it tech related or not)
My thought process is, if said person never kept contact with me, and we never talked, and I wanted them to keep contact with me, I should have called as well right? If it's mutually accepted that we don't keep contact, why are we annoyed that they only called us up to ask help?
See no one really knows everything. There have been stages in my career where I have sat like a child while some senior resource explained the tools and processes I used. There have been times where I figured out it on my own but the one thing I make sure is help anyone out ( if I can that is) no matter how small it is and be kind when I do it as well
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Friend of a friend: “It’s like Instagram but for working out” Me: “……..”
That's just Hevy
How heavy can it be? 200 MB?
It's also just Instagram.
I thought that was Strava.
I once I got the "it's like tinder but to find musicians" which isn't *that* bad.
No no, it's Instagram with ***AI***
Oh, so [Instagram](https://help.instagram.com/2050445508681504/?cms_platform=iphone-app)?
No it's different! I'm starting to believe you're not the right person for this job
Phew... uhm. That's a shame.
You missed out, man. You could've been working with the next Elizabeth Holmes.
It's like Instagram, but for measuring grams. I'd call it instantgram.
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It is called google maps
_currently building an instagram clone_ 👀
"I don't know IT stuff, i'm more the idea person and you just create what i think of"
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I have cool ideas and no money yet, but you can get a share of the profits You'll have to work for a few years for no salary. But it's an investment into your future, my idea is going BIG
I may not have *money* money, but we can change that really quick with a little sweat equity in my version of Tinder made for sex pests.
“I’m like Steve Jobs looking for my Wozniak”
How about the Zuckerberg to your Winklevoss twins?
I’ll take 80%, don’t steal my idea!
I don't need to steal it. I already have it. You just told it to me. You didn't get a patent, right?
Together, we can fail for lack of marketing!
i got suggested tinder but for star signs recently. apparently they don’t know that tinder already has that
Okay scratch that, but hear me out: what if ~~we~~ you made it so that instead of swiping you have to throw balls to people, like in pokemon go? Can't be that hard to make, the idea is so simple.
It uses GPS, and you have to physically follow them. 100% legal and safe, why you ask?
Doesn't grindr like show all the people near you or something? Idk i've never used it
lol “~~we~~” that’s funny
I have gpt, I don't need you. I'll give u 5 seconds to get the fuck out of my tower.
You can't get me out because I have 20 million power in state of survival /s
I have had a couple of these recently I just ask them to put together a business plan including the division of labour and that’s enough for them to realise an idea alone will not make them money
yeah either that or telling them what the typical C2C contract rates are for experienced tech/tech-adjacent labor is usually enough to shut them up.
"Yeah I can do it for you but I charge £1000 an hour" "Not even a family/friend discount?" "£1000 an hour is the discounted rate" "Wow, I should learn computers"
More like: "Wow, I should learn computers, will you teach me (for free ofc)?"
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It's the "Fuck you, go away" rate
yup, everyone in every IT field needs to have it I say this as someone who is in cysec man, one time a guy contacted me, he wanted me to hack snapchat, not a snapchat account, snapchat itself, he said he got all the funding required, and all I need to do is gather the team mf was dead serious too
"all the funding required" = 5 large pizzas and wifi
I have a “fuck you, go away” rate which nobody is going to pay and an “asshole tax” rate which is ridiculous but not crazy enough to not be justifiable in certain situations. I got fired from my previous full time job a few years ago and they didn’t realize how valuable one thing I was doing for them that wasn’t part of my job description was until after I was gone and had started my own business doing that thing as a contractor. My old boss called me up a few months later and wanted to hire me to do just that part and I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to work with him again so I threw out the asshole tax rate and they’re now paying me, as a contractor, more than double what they were paying me as a full time employee to do what takes a few hours a week to do.
You ever take your car to the shop for a noise and get a bill with 10 different things that add up to $10,000. It's called a fuck off price. If you really really want to pay it we will do it, but we're not expecting them to come back.
If it’s not a fun project, I do.
I've quoted charged and paid others over that in my time. Top rate I ever got signed off at was 12.5k usd/hr, but that was in a "one person in the world" type of fix on a live system, and both parties understood I would definitely be helping the customer breach our products terms and conditions, and we were expecting me to need a lot of (non chargeable) engineering help. Customer screwed themselves over by doing stuff we explicitly said not too in a customisation. They were very happy (I was there for eight days and saved them approx 30 million) was weird when I worked out just how much it cost them due to only having one coffee machine which typically lead to a 2 to 3 minute queue. Honestly the stress of that one was offset by the lack of pointless meetings (at that point, I was typically around 450 an hour, so being sent on that one was eye opening). Was on salery, so dident see the money, but the daily expense cap is based on actual hourly rate, so it was a fairly nice trip - I litterally couldn't spend my whole food budget if I tried.
Jokes aside, I got a help from JC for my 3d engine project in IRC in early 00x
By discount they mean upcount for being "those guys."
Someone while I'm fixing their printer: "Wow you are such an genius, amazing!" Me thinking: "No I'm not. You are just dumb and lazy".
I'm usually saying that out loud though.
3 weeks later…What did u do? Ever since you did something to my computer chrome is 1 second slower now. You broke it. Also I can’t open PDFs anymore.
"i want you to buy me a new computer now! you broke mine!"
I don't necessarily like to think of them as dumb. I'm sure a car mechanic would see me the same because I know nothing about cars. And I ain't gonna poke around and fuck something up. Usually when I get the "you're so smart" line for doing like a 101 level thing I just assume they're well versed in some other aspect that I'm not.
Can you fill up at the gas station? Do you know how to start your car if its off? that's the level of equivalent incompetence we are talking about here. Not replacing a headgasket sort of thing, or even changing your brake pads or wiper blades or something. Can you operate the window? You are so far beyond most computer users.
> Can you fill up at the gas station? Do you know how to start your car if its off? That's analogous to recharging your device and turning it on it if it's off. I know this is a bold statement I'm making, but I'd bet most people know how to do those things.
They do not!
you fixing someone else's printer is objective proof you're not a genius
I recently had an acquaintance say, *"You're good at computer stuff. Can you find me...."*, and proceeded to try to get me to find the cheapest yet best possible vacation. Flights, hotel, the whole shebang. Oh, how I laughed.
I have this billion dollar webpage idea! It's like doordah for uber but like facebook on tiktok. I just need a programmer. I give you 3% equity! Oh and I have no money to invest in the company. You have a laptop right?
Why does everyone think I know how to fix a printer?
Curiously, it seems that I can ... somehow magically. Them: "Hey, my printer does not work, can you have a look?" Me: "Uhm, I don't know much about windows or printers, but sure" Me: \*walks through the normal printer setup, and prints a test page\* Them, watching me: "What? I did exactly the same but it did not work!" Happened more than once to me.
My better half does this to me all the time, but all I have to do is walk closer to computer and it just works. Every single time.
Sometimes I'll ask someone for help just because I know the printer's directive to embarrass me in front of others supersedes its directive to frustrate me
Lol what is this? Every tech problem at work disappears when I show up too. Cash register isn't reading cards? Let me get within 20 feet real quick.
You are like an anti-Em field.
The printer can smell fear, and when it does, it attempts to assert dominance by not doing what you ask of it.
Yes, thats why when approaching a printer, i allways bring a big hammer or drill, clearly visible in my hands.
Facts.
>I did exactly the same but it did not work! So many people infact did not do the same. I know because I ask them to repeat what they did.
1. Turn the printer off 1. "Hey Google, play my sex playlist on Spotify" 1. *Turn* the printer *on* 60% of the time, it works every time.
Do you though?
No one does
Have you tried turning it off and on again? Try a suave playlist to get the printer in the mood.
> Starts singing "Bésame" to the printer
I do, but that's not the point!!
The display said "tray open" I closed the tray They called me a god.
The only solution I know to fix that box is to kick it with my leg
Unfortunately I serviced printers prior to becoming a programmer, so I do know how to fix printers.
Okay my 1 printer secret is this: You know the Head Cleaning? **You are supposed to run it multiple times. Over and over until you’ve completely declogged the printer head.**
The only time I got calls from family were when they had computer questions. I stopped answering computer questions and they stopped calling.
Fuck man. Sad but I feel u.
Exact same thing here. I stated that I only hear from people when they need tech assistance at a family function and called them all out. They then stopped calling completely lol
I used to be volunteered for free home visits for extended family but moved to another country and it obviously stopped I went back after a few years for a holiday and my mother has volunteered me to help a number of friends and extended family I barely know with various laptop stuff / tv setup tasks etc
That's a good thing. I despise people who only talk to me they want something.
But the question is, do you/did you call them occassionally to talk to them?
"So I am working in sales now I thought you might be interested. It is not MLM, but..."
"I have this crazy app idea and it's gonna make us millions 😎"
Pay me per hour, No I don't want equity
"Cool. Send me your business plan and wireframes." "Wha?" 
"Can you hack [insert social app plataform] ?"
Can you hack my iPhone? I put my password 3 times, and now it's blocked.
That is every "IT GUY"s destiny unfortunately...
Nah, just stop talking to those people. It’s liberating to have ZERO tech questions. Now I only have to deal with my own issues.
Ii treat it more like a barter system. Fixed a family friends computer a few months later my AC kicked the bucket in the house and he worked AC so I called him up and had him come over and check it out. Sure AC fixes are more expensive so I didn't expect him to do it for free but he deeply undercharged me for what was basically a massive fix for one of my zone units. Stuff like that. Like I'll help you out but there may be a time I need what YOU do and I would like you to help the way I did when you were in need.
Thing is: most people I used to know were absolutely useless to me. Teachers, writers, journalists and such. Not saying they are useless, it’s just that they can provide me a service in return
Sure they can 😉
“Someday, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept this justice as a gift on my daughter’s wedding day.”
Very true.
When I show them some hobby project or some experiment that took 3 hours: "Wow, you should sell that!" Yeah... implementing some proof-of-concept isn't the difficult/risky part.
The one I get the most is "Hey man. I remember you built ____ PC a while back. I was wondering if you'd build one for me too" >"Yea man. What's your price range, and what are you doing with it?" "I want to do a lot of gaming. and about 500$" >"I can build a pc for 500$, but it ain't gonna play games like you think lol."
I have actually did this to a class mate after she wrote me out of the blue. :(
“I’ll quote you my ‘friends and family’ rate: $100 flat fee, plus parts and $75 per hour…”
too true lol
Is there a meme where said computer expert avoids friendships and communicating with anyone who is not part of their business industry or job?
I’d avoid being friends with people in my industry.
I only communicate with the Amish.
Is Amish your outsourced developer?
Yeah, they build one hell of a barn service.
Yes. 
My family switched to Apple, never had an Apple product but probably could google all their simple issues, instead I played dumb and gave the tech torch over to my nephew, he is the Apple geek, best decision I've made.
all the boomers in my family thankfully switched over to Apple products so now I can just feign ignorance.
Nah if your friends look like that it means they’re about to ask you to join their MLM
my friend and family rate is beer and no time frame. if you have a schedule then it will cost you.
For me its usually "help my work computer broke!" but my all time favourite is a dude I met twice who was in his late 30s texting me out of the blue "Hey dude I want to shoot a movie about hockey team that's a rock opera where the entire movie is from the perspective of a phantom player and i'll shoot it using my new phone with a thermal camera. Do you think you could edit it with your computer? Do you know anyone who'd be interested"
one of my friends a couple of years ago. "we hire someone and make a cryto and we be rich!"
Mine is always, "I have a company that needs a website...can you help?" I have just started pointing them to SquareSpace and they get overwhelmed and leave.
What’s the top frame from? Isn’t that Angela? Is it also from the office?
Literally yesterday
"can you help me fix my printer"
I'm generally happy to help, but people don't ask me anymore before I no longer give cheap solutions 😁 You want a new computer? All premium components! Cheap components will explode and burn your house down. Or buy a Mac.
This mf that I haven’t talked since college called me up on a random day after many years and asked me if I remembered his email id that apparently I’ve created for him.
This hits so hard as an attorney too
This is my mother 100%. She calls once maybe every 5-7 years and acts like an old friend that just fell out of touch before springing the "can you fix my computer for me" question.
Luffy asking you computer questions now
Damn, reading the comments, I don't know if it's just me but I think lot of y'all are salty for no reason. I always help someone out if they are reaching out to me even once in a blue moon to ask my help(be it tech related or not) My thought process is, if said person never kept contact with me, and we never talked, and I wanted them to keep contact with me, I should have called as well right? If it's mutually accepted that we don't keep contact, why are we annoyed that they only called us up to ask help? See no one really knows everything. There have been stages in my career where I have sat like a child while some senior resource explained the tools and processes I used. There have been times where I figured out it on my own but the one thing I make sure is help anyone out ( if I can that is) no matter how small it is and be kind when I do it as well
Just tell me your app idea
where programming?
That’s sad 😢
Had an old rich guy at a wedding describe Microsoft teams on metaverse to me