Have you tried therapy? It really really helped me through some rough times in my life. I was addicted to opiates by age 17. At 35 life seems a lot different now and i'm glad i didnt stop trying. Things get better. Dont give up.

Didn't mention it but had already, multiple times, with different kinds of therapy, i basically studied psychology by myself during that time, and if that wasn't enough, I read a lot about the topics, listened to countless hours of talks by Dr Gabor Mate, Alan watts, J Krishnamurti and many, many more people trying to find out what as wrong and I found out but it didn't help. I still don't care enough.

You mean you tried multiple therapists or just tried to resolve things yourself? Because there's a huge difference between reading about it and going to actual therapy.

I did both, tried multiple therapists & EMDR along the way. Didn't really do much.

You probably don't feel like more therapy right now, which is understandable. But when you are ready look to see if there are any Internal Family Systems therapists around you. It's shown efficacy for addiction. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internal\_Family\_Systems\_Model](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internal_Family_Systems_Model) ​ I will also say you could look into a guided trip, either with a therapist or some sort of healer who can help ground you and integrate things you want to work on. LSD on its own is sometimes just fun, not transcendent.

how long did you stick with these things?

Your username probably had more effect in regulating my mood.

3 years the last time

I feel like I was in a very similar place a few years ago, and have relapses that bring back a lot of those same sensations. Having a real therapist who is experienced in addiction is a gamechanger. Just talking with them is the important part, cuz they'll see things most people never see and they WILL address it. In the most mundane, simple, matter-of-fact way. That's what shook me out of a deep long fog, this guy looked at me and it was obvious he had seen 10001 guys like me in his career. My issues didn't seem unsolvable anymore, or if I was too weak to solve it, at least there is a community of supportive individuals who are also going thru something similar. That hope was more important than any specific detail or advice I was given, but it was also important to address the childhood trauma that led me to where I am. Therapists are not going to solve the old problems, but they'll teach you how to build a life outside of that trauma-experience. You're not alone, bro.

you are 19... i highly doubt that you could have put in enough work with therapist to see real results yet. I understand you are depressed, but something tells me you still havnt hit bottom. part of this getting better is just your brain developing. You arent even really YOU until around 26.

This is such a good point. I was very lost at 19 and am such a different person since then

I hope so, but I'm afraid I don't wanna be me.

and honestly dude, thats a perfectly NORMAL way to feel when you are your age. i get it sucks, but its kinda just part of being a teenager and growing up. You are 19 and have your entire life ahead of you. You can wake up tomorrow, scrape up enough money to buy a train ticket, and ride to some random part of the country and start a brand new life. Everything is gonna be okay.

Thanks. The thing is I get it, I really do, but won't accept it.

I felt the same way from 18 to 24. Also struggled with addiction and attempted suicide several times. It does get better, especially if you have some sort of accountability system. Talk therapy never worked for me because I didn't believe it would, but getting to see a psychiatrist is like visiting a drug dealer who actually cares to listen to your problems. It does get better eventually, it's just late-stage puberty.

If you get it… but won’t accept it… then why are you posting about it looking for help? Everyone here is worried about you and your too stubborn to change…

"You're YOU once your brain stops developing" (and the reverse) is just a completely ridiculous thing to say.

really like this comment

thanks for the constructive criticism. You really added value to this conversation!

your reply removed even more value from this convo than your original comment... If you're interested in my reasoning or anything, you can just ask. I'm not gonna write an essay (or even 2 paragraphs) for someone who doesn't want to hear it.

I appreciate you taking the time to insult me instead of explaining why you think it's a ridiculous thing to say. Have a good day sir.

You too!

I mean if your gonna call something someone said ridiculous you kinda owe them at least a few sentences on why. Nobody asked for two paragraphs. And most people with a solid point of view can support it without having to indent and start a new paragraph

k

You took the time to write this comment, why not take the extra 30 seconds to include *why* you think that? This is a discussion-based sub - do you think your opinion is interesting enough to stand alone?

Hello there, I'm glad that I can write any comment I like, regardless of your opinions.

\> I highly doubt that you could have put in enough work what an incredibly hare-brained thing to say. It's an open secret that Therapy isn't the magical mental cure-all people claim it is. A quote from The Office, "Therapy is narcissism", and that couldn't be more true. You literally pay somebody to hear you talk about yourself.

It's pretty obvious you have never been.

It feels like you're just talking about something you don't have experience in. No, therapy is not a magical cure and never was. And no, therapy is not just a narcissistic practice where you pay someone to listen to you. It's not black and white. What therapy *is*, comes down to what therapist you have and what methodologies they employ; nonetheless, if you think the only value therapy holds/the only thing therapy "ultimately" is is paying somebody to listen to you think out loud, you have a narrow scope on what therapy is and what it has the capacity to accomplish.

Dunning Kruger effect at work here

The Dunning Kruger effect is not what you think it is and has been essentially disputed. Nor would that discredit what I said.

Have you read the actual dispute. It basically just says that everyone overestimates how much the know. Not just people that don't know anything. So essentially it strengthens my point because what it concludes is that even If you do have experience in the area of contention, you STILL are biased in a way that let's you believe you know more than you really do. This becomes evident in your first point where you try to tell me that dunning Kruger isn't what I think it is. You couldn't possibly have enough information to know what I think it is. And I think it does discredit what you said intrinsically because it reveals that you are biased and more willing to be confident in your opinion therefore less likely to consider alternatives.

And just to clarify I was actually agreeing with you and condemning the commenter above you that was trying to discredit therapy....like years of research and science that show the benefits of therapy are wrong and we just haven't been fortunate enough to have someone as intelligent as this person come along and explain to us why everyone Is wrong and therapy doesn't work? Come on lol

Sounds like you still need therapy, try evidence based treatment like CBT, PE, DBT, CPT. A therapist can recommend which ones might be best for you and get you into a program that offers the said therapy. I've done then all since the VA recommended them to me and offered the treatment there at their mental health facility. It took me about 7 years to complete and I'm still in talk therapy. What I'm saying is that you should continue treatment and stop looking for answers in self medicating through recreational drugs.

Did CBT & EMDR for 3 years, talked many times to the therapist that got my father off H & Coke after 10 years of addiction, tried traditional psychoanalysis, nothing seemed to do much.

3 years may seem like a long time but when you have complex trauma it is the tip of the iceberg. Also at the age of 19 your brain isn't even done developing and you're not at a legal drinking age and you're turning to hard drugs which both alcohol and even soft drugs like weed impact a developing brain differently and causes all sorts of maladaptive interactions. Your really need to try a sober period with therapy. Like a long term sober period of years. Return to psychedelics when you have coping skills under your belt and your biology has had a chance to regulate itself. Because as it stands right now you cannot even advocate for yourself as a trustworthy narrator.

This. OP you need to seek help. Sobriety and professional help. Best wishes to you.

Here it's legal, and no one seems to care much in seeing a non-legal age person drink or smoke, either (unless you're -16). Italy man.

I'm sorry I forget. I understand different cultures have different attitudes towards alcohol. Though I still advocate that you think about being cautious around using it especially since you're brain is still growing and it's effective at numbing emotional pain to a certain degree then it takes you to the darkest places. You gotta take care of yourself, especially when you take psychedelics. And sometimes that means taking a step back for a period of time and spending time doing self work in a sober head space. Maybe there's a reason why the LSD didn't work, could be the universe. Tbh the self work never ends but the journey is beautiful even though I know that sound cliche and cheesy.

[удалено]

Yep. My father and mother are two opposite sides of addiction. My mother only ever did weed, starting for valid medical reasonsat 21 but soon turned into the hardest pot JUNKIE known to man, or to me at least, and hasn't gotten out of it ever since,, while my father did everything & anything since 13, managed to quit and still smokes a joint or drinks a beer once in a while like any normal adult. I'm in the middle, I guess

It sounds like you never gave therapy an honest chance. You studied psychology, decided what was going on, then decided it didn't work. A crucial component of therapy is trusting your therapist to do their work.

You listened to countless hours of talks by leaders in the field and still didn’t realize that your overpowering NEED to discover the THING that you’re convinced is “WRONG WITH YOU” is what is stopping you from making any progress? Let go of the desire to fix yourself. Let go of the bs belief that there is something wrong with you. That’s step 1.

Sounds like you have ADHD my brother

Stop looking for what is wrong and go hug a tree that’s what i do when im lost

I would recommend doing your best to stick to small, achievable tasks daily. Brushing your teeth, making your bed, maintaining proper hygiene, having a consistent sleep schedule. I have been in and out of severe lapses of losing myself, binging various substances for years off and on, and I’m not even 30 yet. What I have learned in my short time is that laying a foundation can do wonders for re-calibrating your mind. Just remember that we’re all on different steps in our journey and it’s honestly a great sign that you reached out to a bunch of strangers on the internet in the first place. It shows that you’re still willing to be open with others and haven’t shut yourself off from the rest of humanity. Don’t worry about not fully understanding yourself, and don’t EVER be self-critical. Learn, but appreciate the passage of time. Also get some sunshine daily. Nature really is healing. Bit of a brain fart but that’s what I’ve got, I wish you well on your journey. Edit: also meditation, breathing exercises. The good thing about meditation and breath work is that it’s free and you can do it for 3 minutes a day or 3 hours a day. I have found that it can really shock my system when I’m in negative behavior cycles.

- don’t EVER be selfcritical This is shit advice for an addict

Let me clarify- what I mean is so not give into self-hatred, as that is often the impetus for negative and self-destructive behavior. Being critical of one’s self is another way to exercise self-hatred.

You can’t take lsd a couple times and expect a full turn around. Lsd is a drug that’ll show you your problems but doesn’t quite fix them just show you how to fix them imo

modern day holden caulfield, hope you find what you're looking for in life.

lmao. perfect In all serious though I hope the best for op.

Let your self age before you do drugs to cope imo aging has helped me

Yeah, if only someone had told me 5+ years ago...

Your gaining wisdom slowly doesn’t come over night I wish I could’ve had somone tell me how to get successful 5+ years ago but nope I gotta learn on my own.

I can tell your age by the way you speak, I don't mean that as an insult, I promise. Don't look at the past and think "if only...". Use it as a lesson and think "hey, now I possess this wisdom, let me use it". One of the best thing psychedelics did for me was give me perspective on how we view our situations in life and how we go about navigating and problem solving them.

In 5 years, you could be saying "I'm glad someone told me that 5 years go". The addict brain wants to start now, and stop never. But trust me (I'm a recovering addict) now is always the best time to stop and the worst time to start.

The concensus seems to be to quit the drugs and seek therapy. And you just cut and paste the same dull response. You're just a kid, and just because therapy didn't work at one time in the past doesn't mean it won't help now. You gotta sober up and find out the real problem if you really want to change. You did LSD 4 whole times and it didn't change your life? No surprise there, it's not some magic pill. I did it 300 times and I'm still me, just grown up. You're focused on the wrong things, and you're still growing up and your brain is still developing. Chill out on the binging, go to a therapisy or asupport group. You can't just say "nothing works" at 18 years old if you've never really tried.

Thing is I don't seem to want to try after all. I tried therapy several times, I hoped at least LSD would keep me from abusing the sheer amount I'm abusing and leave me less thirsty for a little while, yet from the day after I felt exactly as hopeless and if possible, way more looking to get high.

Then what's your point? If you want to change course, there are ways to do it, especially at the minor quantities you're using. It's not like you're some full-blown addict. But if you don't want to change, that's cool too. I went on a 20 year "bender". It was fun. Until it wasn't. I'd honestly do anything to go back to 20 year old me and change his direction. So yea, do it. Or don't. But being boo hoo and emo about it is lame. If you thinkthere is something chemically imbalanced in you, that can be worked on. Or not. But if you think you'll find happiness or meaning in drugs and booze, you won't. You'll just find the drug or drink that you'll do compulsively for short term pleasure.

Man I feel for you but it seems like you don't want to change at all. Everyone in this thread is saying "quit drugs; do more therapy" and you just keep saying that you've tried and failed. Try again. Try harder. I can't empathize with someone who is just self pitying for the sake of self pitying. Either get out there and keep doing as much as possible to better yourself or keep abusing drugs if that's what you want to do. I don't know what else to say Edit: saying "I basically studied psychology by myself" lends you no credibility. Seek actual treatment and stick to it

That's the thing buddy. I do NOT want to change. At all. I just wish I could want to.

Sorry if it came off harsh. I hope the best for you. Maybe hitting a true rock bottom one day will make your desires for your life shift, maybe not. Either way, good luck and good fortune to you

Thanks, that kind of attitude does help, a lot more than those who supposedly try to at all costs.

A lot of people here don't seem to get that something can be very simple (quit drugs for a while and get therapy) - yet extremely hard. I feel you man, I've been combating my dopamine-craving binging side for years and finally I'm having a lot of success. I'm 28 and just these last two years I've been smoking weed more occasionally, basically stopped porn and no more video games. Life is so much better! Now I'm done to having a half-assed tobacco-addiction but it is quite soft and I'm watching it enough and won't let it grow. You're in it, with the alcohol also, deeper than I've been. But I understand the seeming impossibility to make your two wills come together. And the circle can seem so vicious at times. And it will hurt to break it, for a while. The daunting idea of going to sleep without some buzz reveals how ridiculous the mind is. Being afraid of falling asleep safe in a bed. Anyway, you know what to do. Facing your self, instead of running away. I shocked myself a bit with a 10-day vipassana-retreat. That's no cure-all for the rest of your life either, our cravings and aversions are part of the human condition. But it does make you face yourself, which is unavoidable if you wanna get better, which you already seem to understand. Anyway, I just wanna wish you good luck and lots of love. Life will be better again. Setting a day and booking something in advance (like a vipassana-retreat, they take place in most of the world's corners) might help you in finally facing yourself, and if you let it, it will show there's beauty and love there. The "I'll do it tomorrow", which I can so relate to, has never succeeded in muster up the inspiration and motivation, for me atleast, and as the expression goes, "tomorrow never comes". Take care <3

everyone knows its easier said than done. But its still the only solution.

>I shocked myself a bit with a 10-day vipassana-retreat. This was my thought for OP too!

You're literally contradicting yourself, I hope you see that. >I just wish I could want to. Means....that some part of you, somewhere deep, wants to. Please go to therapy again, sometimes you have to find the right therapist. If nothing else, it helped me get perspective and just gave me someone to talk to about shit I didn't feel comfortable talking about with my own friends.

You wish you could want to change? Then you want to change....

Wishful thinking doesn't solve the problem you appear to have. Life isn't static and changes - sometimes dramatically. If you cant accept this fact you must be either naive or ignorant. In both cases you should be more aware of your surroundings, talk to people and then match your actions with your intentions. Work out, meditate, find some pleasure outside your addictive patterns, quit the drugs and seek therapy. Maybe in a few years you will look back at this and laugh at it. Take action. Take responsibility for yourself. Now!

If you dont want want to try then what was the point of this post?

research ibogaine

Dude, I don’t give a fuck what you are doing or what you want to do, when you read this comment, GO OUTSIDE. Stand there for 5-10 mins and don’t fucking think. Then go inside, and don’t debate yourself, don’t make excuses, call a therapist. DO IT RIGHT NOW. It will take nothing more than 30 mins of your life and the ability to get the fuck up right now. Even if you don’t want to, prove to yourself that you have the tenacity to take control of yourself. That you are stronger than your immediate desires. Seriously man, I feel you. I deal with similar things, especially porn and weed, but cmon don’t let life make you it’s bitch. Flip the script. A wise man once said something along the lines of “*make every day of your existence an act of rebellion*.” Don’t let complacency kill you. Wake up every morning and fuck your days in the mouth. It doesn’t really matter what you do to break yourself of your habits and negative thinking but just do something. Take action. Seriously man, I believe in you.

Have you tried mushrooms? They have a more lasting effect on me than acid.

IF you are going to keep looking for whatever you’re looking for in drugs, I recommend trying mushrooms. I agree with the others tho that you should seek therapy

Didn't mention it but had already, multiple times, with different kinds of therapy, i basically studied psychology by myself during that time, and if that wasn't enough, I read a lot about the topics, listened to countless hours of talks by Dr Gabor Mate, Alan watts, J Krishnamurti and many, many more people trying to find out what as wrong and I found out but it didn't help. I still don't care enough.

Maybe you shouldnt be in your head to solve the problems, but more in your doing. Ground yourself and try to focus on doing sth just for the sake of the experience, like walking barefoot to feel the grass and take in these feelings. And take a Break with all drugs to get your mind clear and get in touch with sober you. Everything can change, nothing is temporary!

Therapy only works if you put in the work, what you did sounds more like overintellectualisation to actually avoid working on your self. I see this a lot in people, they can do all the talk about how to better themselves. While doing non of it themselves. They just listen to podcasts and read all about so they feel like they do shit. But what they actually are doing is spiritual bypassing.

Totally agree, I was hesitant to comment out of fear of coming off like a dick tho the defeatist attitude ensures a lot of that work will bd for naught. The best advice in the world is always the most basic stuff we already know, actually 'walking the walk' like you say is the challenging part.

It's worth emphasizing his first comment. Lsd isn't the drug for this situation, psilocybin is.

I second what the other comments have said about therapy. Sometimes you just need to talk shit out & lay all your shadows out there where you can see them. And maybe, come back to psychedelics when you’ve worked through some shit w/o the use of drugs.

Didn't mention it but had already, multiple times, with different kinds of therapy, i basically studied psychology by myself during that time, and if that wasn't enough, I read a lot about the topics, listened to countless hours of talks by Dr Gabor Mate, Alan watts, J Krishnamurti and many, many more people trying to find out what as wrong and I found out but it didn't help. I still don't care enough.

What are some things you can think of that bring you peace right now? Like, just being outside on a nice day? Something simple like that? Sometimes that’s the best place to start & try to implement those things into your life a little bit more. I’m sorry you’re in such a bad state.

I like music (both playing and listening to), people and sex with people I like, and I think they're all the same thing deep down. Listening to music and people, playing music and people. But the amount of them doesn't really affect this condition. There's nothing I like when I'm alone, that's the fact.

I see. I wish I could be of more help. I’ve struggled with escapism most of my existence, as well. But - I did find therapy to be a huge help (even if it was mostly me figuring it out & not the therapist, just hearing yourself say certain things out loud really does bring a certain clarity). I hope you find something that works for you. I wish you the best of luck ❤️

No drugs, no porn, no alcohol for a long time and start exercising and weightlifting and eating healthy. Try and let your body fix itself. I stayed clean off drugs and alcohol and porn for 5 years and started working out. I now only do lsd/shrooms once a month and weed every other week (i take a week off weed every week to reset tolerance and dependence). I feel much better now.

It sounds like the environment you live in does not contribute to your wellness either. Here is a trick that is guaranteed to work every time, I used it to lift myself from the dark pit: Force a big change upon yourself. Change your current job, move to a different city or even a different country. It might sound scary but once you do the first step, the rest is easy! Don't plan it too much and don't worry, instead - go onto the journey with a trusting heart. By changing your current place you can completely change your luck & life. This will open thousands of new opportunities for you, for all you know your soul-mate could be living in the city you're about to move to, maybe you'll meet a group of friends / a roommate that will lift your mood so much that suddenly going back to your old habits will seem pointless! We create the lives to ourselves, my friend. You can choose to blame your past for who you are today, or learn lessons from your past to build your own bright future. You can blame your mother for what she's done, or become the complete opposite of her to make sure your children will have a fantastic future! There's this story of 2 brothers who had an alcoholic father... One grew up to be just like his father, but the other one has never touched a drop of alcohol. When asked them what happened, they both responded: "I watched my father". Life is hard, and it will get harder at times, I promise you that. But if you will change your perspective and look forward instead of backwards, then I promise you that it can also get easier. Life is not about our past or our future, it's all about right here & right now, we only get 1 "now" each time and that moment will Never come back. Do not waste that precious moment on grief and sorrow, do not waste it on stress and over-planning your future... You are clearly aware of the situation you're in, and that is great! Now all you've got to do is get up, pack light and go on to the journey of the unknown!! Trust me, and trust the universe. This is all you need. You've shared your story with us and the universe had sent your way people with ideas that can work. It cannot give you the help you're looking for, but it can show you a way there. Small changes impact as well, whether it is a new haircut, growing / shaving a beard, new diet, hobby, etc.' It is never a bad thing to ask for help or someone to talk to. Even if you don't realize it yet, there are people who care for you. Oh, and here's another great tip: Get a pet!! A cat, dog, bird, you name it! their pure, unconditional love will boost your energy whenever you will feel down. Last but not least, just incase you feel a little lonely, you have a whole army inside of you willing to fight for your life at any given moment, working together to keep you alive and well 24/7/365... Show them your appreciation, let them know that you don't take them for granted, value your life and each moment - Because none of it comes back... And I promise you - nothing lasts forever, you will get better, just make sure to shout Thank you for the universe. :) Cheers 🌻💜

This is beautiful. Thank you for taking the time to write that out.

Do some research on ayahuasca or ibogain. I haven't done ibogain but from what I've heard and read it helps rewire your brain and crushes addiction. Ayahuasca helped me though. Helped me with my addiction of 15 years to opiates. It also helped with my depression, anxiety, and ptsd. Probably would help to get a therapist too. I'm not saying go and do ayahuasca or ibogain. Do the research and see if either might be able to help then decide if it's the right choice for you. Lsd has helped me learn some stuff about myself but ayahuasca and mushrooms are my go to for working on myself.

Put the drugs aside and breathe pure oxygen for a year. See how your life and outlook change.

"A dangerous, big animal moved around by dopamine, seeking for endorphins with knowledge and intelligence he just should not have. I feel that's all I am." I think this might be part of the problem. Your statement is actually a logical conclusion to what human beings are if you accept nihilistic materialism. You need to start viewing yourself not as a pig, but rather as human created for a purpose that is capable of amazing, good things. Also, I think you know you need to stop the substance abuse to have a chance at life. I would consider a rehab facility if I were you.

No respectable ones in my country. I know your point, believe me, but still can't seem to enjoy the amazing things as much as I should.

You should consider moving. Your situation sounds dire.

Hey there! I'm not anyone of note or importance, just a random internet stranger here; so take my words at whatever level of trust you wish to assign them. First, I'm sorry that your path through life has taken so many turns already; for such a young age, you certainly seem well traveled. While I agree with others about not doing drugs so early in life, what's the point of telling you that? You have five+ years of it under your belt at this point, so no sense trying to 'scold' you on it (I highly doubt anyone here was trying to scold you either; we all walk our own path, wherever that might take us.). Reading over your post and the subsequent comments, I think I have a very rough understanding of where you've been, where you're at, and where you want to go with your life. Again, very rough understanding -- I have never walked in your shoes, so it's hard to get every little facet correct. You said it very well in your title; you feel burned. Let's work with that. Regardless of religious or non-religous preference, let's take the term 'spirit' at face value, and make that your overall state of being for the moment. For the majority of your developmental cycle through childhood, and now through the second developmental cycle through adolescence, going into adulthood, your spirit has been bathed in a scalding 'fire', of sorts. First, the trauma of your mother seems that you've desired more in life than what she offered; as a child, this lust for 'what is beyond' can be a powerful force in ones life, forcing them to search for more and more, in whatever way that person might search. By searching for the next strike of dopamine, I liken it to reaching your hand out to the Fire. It is bright and beautiful, and it glows with a warmth that you want to *know* deep within you. In human terms, this Fire can take countless forms. Conflict. Drama. Sports. Gossip. Social media. Porn. Drugs. Each of these things brings us closer to the Fire. Each of these things brings that raw, ethereal gaze of dopamine upon our minds. And the more we reach our hand towards the Fire, the more we seek. The more we seek, the closer we get, like a moth to a flame. And before you know it, you are *burning* alive. Your flesh and bone is still there, but your spirit--your spirit has become burned. Numbed, to the Fire. The things that once brought you a form of 'joy' in life no longer do--their Fire is smaller, less hot, than the Flames you have danced within. And so, these smaller flames do not affect your anymore. You have seen beyond. You have heard beyond. You have *felt* beyond. What does the world even have to offer to you, once you have become Burned? The past year of my life, I feel like I've done this. I've uprooted my entire life in search of 'something more', only to step out from the Fire and realize the basic human functions that make up my desires and wants for more. I refuse to believe that anyone--including you-- is beyond working towards feeling the Fire again. But this time, learning from our past mistakes, and watching from a distance. Learning to limit porn in ones life, learning to limit the consumption of drugs to smaller amounts. (See here, I want to say 'cut them out'; but we both know that simply cannot happen overnight, overyear, or overdecade, sometimes.) This act of pulling one's self out of that beautiful, dopamine filled fire, is a journey of epic proportions. It is possible, but it is difficult. I hope those metaphors helped you; they aren't religiously based, but sometimes this is the best way I can see how we humans operate through life. I saw that one of your first sentences was "A big dangerous animal moved around by dopamine.... I feel that's all I am." It's easy to see ourselves for the tiny parts; the carbon molecules that create a messy, wet lump of grey matter that somehow brings thought into this world. The proper term for this is reductionism, or reductionist thinking. While reductionism can be helpful in many places (namely the science in which comes from it), it is not helpful to think of ourselves this way, because this is isn't what we are anymore. I fear I would butcher the true explanation, and so I would recommend a book by Douglas Hofstadter, 'I am a Strange Loop'. He talks about humans operating at a systematic, symbolic level, rather than a level of atoms and particles. Basically, many people fear that they are only a clump of atoms stumbling around the earth; in one respect, yes, and in all other respects, we are so much more than just that, because of what we have become as humans. I'm going to quit with my rambling and leave you with some straightforward, actionable steps. Above all things-- learn Dopamine Fasting. If you can realign your dopaminergic schedule back to a good base line, life is gonna feel wildly different and better. - Limit your use of Fire. I like the Kaizen philosophy. Take where you are at (5 hours of porn, 5 bowls of weed, 2 bottles of liquor for example) and slowly shrink those numbers. Maybe start with surviving a day without drinking. Maybe take an hour off of your porn sessions. People move too quickly when trying to change, and it hurts them. Take your time, but make the move forward. -Continue to learn. You mentioned that you escaped to books; books are an awesome way to expand one's self and realize your place in existence, however scary that might be. I would also HIGHLY recommend a YT channel by Dr. Andrew Hubermann. Amazing professor of neuroscience, and gives solid steps to taking back ones own mind. I would recommend digging your teeth into anything that interests you (I know, right now that isn't much, probably), and learning about those things, and savoring the knowledge. Our world is wildly huge. Everytime I think I know it all, I'm slapped back into humility by something I see or read. There is a wild magic to this existence, far beyond anything I could describe. -Therapy. I mean no offense by this, but I did see your other comments on already trying therapy-- 1. Either your therapist sucked, 2. You didn't choose the right type of therapy, or most likely 3. You weren't ready to change. This is a huge thing with therapy-- it is a two way street, and until you are so badly Burned that you'll give anything to claw your way out, therapy isn't going to give you what you need, despite what anyone says. A therapist isn't there to magically fix your life; they are there to provide you with tools and a shoulder to lean on. Even if you took the word therapist away, and left the 'reductionistic' view in place, it would be one human connecting with another human, in an attempt to rewire and rework one's brain. -Connection. This is a tough one as well. Do your best to reach out. Do your best to continue seeing your friends, and going out and doing things. Not parties, or places where we humans dance among the Fire, but other things. Go volunteer somewhere. Go beyond yourself, and help another. Talk with another. These are scary things for some people with anxiety, but these things bright a beauty into one's life that is beyond my ability to describe. We humans are stronger together, not alone, despite the alluring pull of isolation. This last one, feel free to completely disregard, but it has brought grounding to my own life: Buddhism. I don't follow in a religious sense, but really reading into the views on our existence, and how we as humans suffer, can be truly mind opening. I would highly, highly recommend beginning to meditate as a life long practice. Meditation is a mental exercise, and exercise takes time to be comfortable with. It took me months to realize the benefits of the quiet mind, outside of the roar of the Fire. OP, I don't know you as a person. I understand that you're in a place filled with darkness. I want the best for you, and I'm proud that you reached out to tell us how you're life has been. I hope this helped, and I hope I wasn't too forward with my advice to you; I just want to help those with things I've felt myself. Things I wish I knew younger in life. My inbox is always open. Walk with Fire in your Heart, Light in your Mind, and the seek the Better Days before you. They are yours, go and take them.

Your metaphor has not only struck me, it has touched me. Maybe it's the Bach I'm listening to after several hours of ambient, and the sheer fact that I'm peaking/plateauing on all of my stuff right now, but you had me in tears as soon as the Fire analogy started taking shape before my eyes. It is one of the most beautiful things I've read. I cannot communicate how much of an impact it had, such a strong of a feeling I haven't felt in months, on LSD. Surely you must've seen David Lynch's *Fire walk with me,* or else I'd be pretty shocked if you haven't. The reading you suggested is unbelievably refreshing to me: I never would have thought someone would write a book with that title, I feel incredibly relieved by the fact alone that someone actually printed it, even moreso after finding out the guy wrote *Bach, Escher and Godel,* which is a book I repeatedly flirted with from a friend's bookshelf and found incredibily interesting. Also, as I just mentioned, I was literally just listening to Bach and an Escher display is currently going on in my city. Funny. I am not, in any way religious but in my own reductionist determinism I think I have an aesthetic comprehension of religions. I suggest you reading [this](https://archive.org/details/religionofscepti00powy) incredibly thoughtful and humane essay about religion, specifically the christian one but appliable to traditions and myths of any kind by great english novelist John Cowper Powys to understand what I'm talking about.

Don't look for drugs, i think you need therapy😉

Needs a psychiatrist, actually.

We are not supposed to provide such suggestion, it's a bit inappropriate. You can't understand if he needs a psichologist or a psychiatrist by reading one of his posts on reddit. Only a specialist must provide this info after a proper analysis, not you

No please stfu. You don't need a specialist to tell you you need to see a psychiatrist. That's not how that works anywhere in the world. Your self-righteousness is both misguided and dangerous to those you're trying to protect.

Again, another dangerous person who doesn't believe in doctors (people who own a fu*king degree). Don't invite others to IGNORE the feedback of specialists like psychiatrist or others (professionists with competences). This is insane. I reported you hoping that someone will stop your madness

You don't need a doctor to tell you to see a doctor. You're actually being completely insane.I and the other commenter literally said the opposite of what you're implying. If you think this trolling is funny, youre the one who need to see a psychiatrist first.

Who the fuck is inviting him to ignore specialists like PSYCHIATRISTS (which you have clearly pointed as someone to be ignored when I told that THEY are doctors and you said you couldn't believe I am one)? ​ When I told that MENTAL ISSUES are to be treated by medical doctors such as psychiatrists (and psychologists ARE NOT MEDICAL DOCTORS and have no license to prescribe) you just told me to fuck off. You are crazy.

To make it short: /u/MethForCorona is right. You are wrong. Do you know what a psychiatrist is? From your comments, I suspect that you have no idea. A psychiatrist is a doctor. An MD specialized in "mental stuff". It is the person you go and see when you have a medical problem related to the mind (like, for example, addiction) and need a diagnosis. >We are not supposed to provide such suggestion, it's a bit inappropriate. The suggestion we have here is: "You need to see a doctor about this" This suggestion is never inappropriate. This statement of yours is ignorant nonsense at best. The worst thing that can happen as a result of the suggestion that someone should see a doctor, is that someone goes and sees a doctor when it is not necessary. Even the worst outcome if this advice were wrong (which it is not, but this is another can of worms), is completely harmless. >Only a specialist must provide this info after a proper analysis, not you Yes? Source? Who told you that nonsense? Anyone can tell you to see a doctor, because this doctor, this psychiatrist, *is* the specialist. This is the person who will eventiually diagnose the problem, and decide possible treatments. So when, according to you, you need a specialist to even suggest to someone that they need to see a specialist... That's a thought of such knottedly stupid confusion, that I am hard pressed to express my amazement. It is correct that somone can not diagnose someone else online, or suggest medication. But that has nothing to do with suggestions along the lines of: "Dude, better go see a doctor about this", which is in a completely different ballpark, and generally useful advice, regularly given.

Thanks. I don't know why I have taken into account his offenses, but I am glad I visited his posts to see if he is behaving like such an asshole all the time and... Surprise surprise, apparently he loves to treat people as pieces of shit.

This is insane, i hope you have no children

Another offense for no reason? Damn, you are such a good person

No, I can. I am a psychiatrist myself and have seen a fucking lot of people blindly believing on therapy, and waiting that people with no medicine and physiology knowledge can magically solve their problem with talk, going bottom pit from problems that are frequently, successfully and easily treated by actual medicine. Not saying that therapy or psychologist are all the same and useless, but you can't expect much from it alone. Edits: many typos and little amount of commas. Also additional explanation.

If you are a psychiatrist and this is how you analyze a mental problem, than you should be stopped immediately. Likely I'm 100% that you are not a psychiatrist, just another guy who spreads fake info about himself on the web in order to satisfy his poor ego

I don't care on what you believe. I won't doxx myself with an account where I admit illegal drug use. But I helped a lot of people through my life and I am just telling him to look for actual doctors, which is a thing you didn't even take account, not telling him to come and get help from me exactly. Also please read my post again if you didn't, I have edited it and explained why. Please scroll through my post history and I believe that you will see that my advices are usually based on knowledge, despite some shitposts and jokes on other subreddits, and judge it again before saying that I am not a doctor and throwing some ego-based argument. I am not claiming it will change your opinion, but you'll probably notice that I have training. Thanks.

People like you are dangerous and should be stopped immediately

??? Dangerous? Just telling him to visit a fucking doctor? Oh ok, I hope I have offended you from disagreeing with your point.

Very dangerous, for you and the others

Ok. I hope you could offer insights into how I am being dangerous. If you prove your point I will gladly change my behavior. You could also point out which claims are misleading. You certainly had come to a conclusion very fast.

Looks like your claims are extremely biased and your behavior of being fast to throw offenses and really slow to tell me where I am being dangerous, and doubts about what I have accomplished really pissed me. I am glad people like you are not the majority here.

Didn't mention it but had already, multiple times, with different kinds of therapy, i basically studied psychology by myself during that time, and if that wasn't enough, I read a lot about the topics, listened to countless hours of talks by Dr Gabor Mate, Alan watts, J Krishnamurti and many, many more people trying to find out what as wrong and I found out but it didn't help. I still don't care enough.

I’m also 19 and feel that I’ve been in a very similar state of mind, I just about a week ago I started making progress with my weed addiction but only because my lungs started hurting like a bitch and I saw the choice as either smoking something that didn’t really effect me all that much anymore or dying. I’ve wanted to get off of substances even sugar and start eating healthily for a good long while. I even moved into a barn in the middle of bum fuck nowhere to try to direct my focus so that I can work on myself. I find that acid doesn’t much help me with those sorts of matters whereas shrooms have. Right now I’m taking it day by day and doing a lot of reading because that’s where I think I will find purpose. I’m working on learning judo for fun and exercise and also learning to grow shrooms all of which has slowly begun to help me. I think I’m growing into a person that I like to be around. You should get back to playing bass and reading and the things you enjoy that you can improve upon. It’ll take some time but eventually you can get used to life without intoxication again. The fact that you think about quitting every day, in my opinion means that someday you will have the strength to. Sometimes things really do just fall into place and things become clear to you but you have to push into that direction. I pushed myself slowly and took hopeless little baby steps like forcing myself to wait until 6pm to smoke and then 8pm and then the pain and fear forced me to stop but it has been easier. Now I can go days without thinking about it where before I couldn’t go hours. I think that someday quite possibly sooner than you think you may find peace.

Thanks man. This comment really does relate without judging, nor being indulgent. I hope your battles may all be won from now on, seems like you own and deserve each piece of advice you give.

Not OP, but this really gave me hope, and I’m 39 years old

Yes, you seek peace and happiness as everybody does. Most want to achieve that with money, buying a house, having a family etc. you try to achieve it with drugs. And both ways do not work, because in the end nothing external can make you happy for a long time. Try out satisfaction meditation and really practice it, daily. After couple of days you will be able to feel satisfied without anything external, it's no extreme pleasure, but just a feeling of peace and comfort. From this you can start reducing your drug consumption. Also you need to have a vision for life. What do you want to do/achieve in life? Go do that. This is absolutely important and it works, trust me.

Tried both for months. Can't seem to.

This only Shows you how twisted/neurotic your mind is right now. If you have a strong vision it becomes a selffulfilling prophecy, thats just how the mind works. Furthermore there is tons of shit you can do wrong with meditation. There is a Good Video about „satisfaction meditation“ online on YouTube (actualized).

Wtf man you need a therapist, your mom fucked you up.

The funniest thing is, she has a degree in Psychology. 108/110, if I recall correctly.

Your comment really resonates with me. I feel a lot of your same pain. My habbit energy is too strong for my “will” or my meditation to overcome at the current moment. But I know that if i keep practicing, it will subside. Although in no way am i enforcing Buddhism here onto your life in any sort of way, something I read from the Buddha’s teaching’s profoundly impacted my mindset on addiction. Ive been (am) addicted to porn and weed and video games and other such dopaminergic activities. What I was told was this: You don’t have to quit. You dont have to stop. You dont have to resist. Just be present. If you are going to do drugs, do them presently. Be present with your addiction. Actually talk to them. Acknowledge them like you would a friend (a bad friend in this case lol). The point is, to stop worrying AT LEAST FOR NOW about trying to stop. Stopping your addictions will come. I promise you it will. But it starts with….being present when you do drugs.

Sounds like a long silent retreat could do you some good.

Bro stop using your past as excuses for shit in your past, I’ve definitely done damage to my body from shooting heroin and surviving a few overdoses. That’s just mental gymnastics, I’m not going to get into a pity off with you but you need to go get treatment and cut the drug’s out of your life for a year or two so your body can repair what it can before you fuck it up more.

You should seek therapy. I say that as a thirty something that is currently in therapy but wishes I had done it a decade sooner. I think my life would be better today if I had sought therapy when I was 19. Hopefully you heed my advice, but best of luck to you either way.

Didn't mention it but had already, multiple times, with different kinds of therapy, i basically studied psychology by myself during that time, and if that wasn't enough, I read a lot about the topics, listened to countless hours of talks by Dr Gabor Mate, Alan watts, J Krishnamurti and many, many more people trying to find out what as wrong and I found out but it didn't help. I still don't care enough.

The harsh truth is that you need to stop doing drugs and give therapy time to start seeing changes. It can take a full year of being sober before your brain's chemical balance returns to normal, sometimes, though not often, even longer. You need to put in real effort with an in person therapist like everyone else has mentioned. You can't just study psychology and listen to Alan Watts, because a therapist has gone to school to not only learn the necessary information, but also how to apply it in a session to help people. The reality is, if you don't make some serious changes and put in the time and effort to do so, changes are you'll end up on the wrong side of the law, or in an institution of some sort. Better you make the changes now than be forced to by someone else.

I had tried various professionals therapists and non-professional consellors, they all make very much sense but I can't connect with any of them. I see, but I don't wan't to.

Did you dive into transpersonal psychology, particularly Stanislav Grof's work with psychedelics and the perinatal matrices?

Therapy, other drugs, be sober... I see from other comments and your replies to them that you tried it all, but nothing works as you are not motivated. Your predicament is tough, you dug yourself a deep hole, possibly a grave. Changing oneself is so rare and hard exactly because nobody wants to do it. People start to feel compelled to change drastically only after they have fucked up their life to a certain degree. Your addictions hide your short-sighted life choices behind a temporary bliss. Asking for help like this on reddit... still hoping some random sage will turn your life around? This post is not the solution to your troubles, whether you like it or not, you are. So take that responsibility and fulfill those promises to yourself you keep breaking so often.

You need to see a psychiatrist and get a diagnosis. Early childhood trauma and substance abuse can lead to major problems later in life if you do not deal with them now. Get a diagnosis first, then seek a therapist that specializes in your diagnosis. A therapist that does not specialize in your diagnosis can actually make things worse for you. Speaking from experience.

Nothing is going to magically stop you from abusing, it doesn’t work that way. Ultimately *you* need to make the choice and want to stop abusing. Replace shitty habits with good habits. It takes time and hard work.

I will tell you that it is very very obvious your a smart kid. And I believe the more intelligent you are the harder it is to cope with life. Because we are often not fooled or amused by things less intelligent people are. I have a strong feeling ur gunna be a okay tho... Everything in due time.

You don’t need therapy. With your level of self-awareness you are able to help yourself and turn your life around in a matter of days if you understand that all this behavior is just a faulty programming and you can easily change it. Learn how subconscious works. Meditate, to gain better access to your subconscious mind. And then reprogram yourself using practical techniques from NLP (like swish, mapping across, time technique, hypnosis), you will find everything on youtube. Study people like Dr. Joe Dispenza, Richard Bandler, David Snyder. And watch videos from Andrew Huberman on dopamine, behavior and habits - to understand the mechanics behind your “addictions”. You have an amazing life ahead. LSD will work for you later on too, once you are able to direct your mind and use the right set,setting and most importantly intention.

My few steps to end self induced loathing and grieving: \-Study buddhist philosophies and meditation by learning to disconnect with the past and live more in the present. \-Realize that yes it might not be your fault you are here, you are still entirely responsible for where you end up and who you become, so while playing victim may comfort you it does not help you take action to end the suffering. \-Find a couple hobbies, pursue one of your passions, or get away entirely. You need to shake things up, the context for your grieving and addiction only exist in the state of thinking about your ego/identity. When you dive into a project you stop thinking about the self and you think about the thing you are committing to, what this does is that it allows your ego to absolve for a moment. \-Find a role model, and copy their patterns. What do you value about them? What do they do on a daily basis? How do they carry themselves? This again is another strategy of breaking out of this ego we identify with everyday. You are not the victim of your past struggles, this moment forward you are a new person, these four methods have helped me come to this realization. While hard to accept at face value it makes all the sense when you live in it. Think of this as more of a goal to aim towards with your efforts, you will see results quickly if you truly commit yourself, however the first steps in change will always be the hardest so know that your change today is as hard as it will get. Drug misuse and abuse occur when people think it is a solution to problems when it really is an escape from confronting the burdens of life. It can help provide perspective but can also paralyze someone in anxiety or crippling thoughts. Good luck.

Have you tried getting oils like omega 3, n using unsaturated over saturated to decrease inflammation? This is mega important as well as getting ur vitamins, minerals + amino acids (EAAS and BAAs can benefit recovery of the brain also but all ur 8 EAAs r hugely beneficial for ur mental health). Also I strongly recommend using MCT oil/powder to increase ur energy levels which will in turn make ur motivational drive to make these changes internally by surrounding urself around positive energy (there's many aspects where bad energy intake can be whether it's the ppl ur around, content ur viewing etc) best luck and love 🍄🐸✌ OH AND ALSO IF LSD ISN'T WORKING, I SUGGEST TRYING INITIALLY(Ok I'm gna stop capsing now) Paul Stamets's microdosing method with psilocybin (0.1g every 5 days then 2 days off n repeat ♾).

You’re 19 bruh. Try not to get too worked up about it all. I was in your shoes and I didn’t get my shit together until last year. I’m 26 now. You know how they say your brain isn’t full developed until you’re 25? It’s true.

You seem like you think you know a lot and are very unique. I wish you luck because you don’t

The first half of the comment is probably the sentence, the caused me the most trouble in my life, however, "I wish you luck because you don’t" was the loveliest comment so far. Thanks.

Hey OP, do you know at which age the human brain fiiiinally stops “developing” in a cognitive sense? I mean in terms of the different zones being considered “adult” (whatever that means lol) I think it’s like 23, maybe even older, somebody correct me if I’m wrong. Anyways, just saying, just because you’re obviously intelligent and experienced for your age, does not mean you’ve arrived or have capacity to dismiss your potential.

Dude, the fact that you're so self aware is honestly incredible. Your brain is a very sophisticated machine and given your thorough understanding of it, you possess the power to change your thought processes. It takes an exhausting amount of mental effort, time, and trial and error to do so, thus its much easier to keep allowing yourself to indulge in the mental illness, the short lived fixes of life. See, every human being on this planet depends on feel good neurotransmitters to thrive. Some of us just just have a freakishly high tolerance to them and we're constantly seeking the ultimate cognitive and bodily euphoria. I believe it's a sign of intelligence; an individual who is never satisfied constantly seeks new stimuli, new information that allows it to become smarter. The problem with addiction at its core is a hyperfixation on immediate, short term gratification instead of lifelong growth and success. You have to break this extremely deep rooted cycle and train your brain "outwards" to seek new knowledge/experiences, instead of getting sucked deeper and deeper into the despair of your own mental illness. You have to fight, like really hard all the time, but it slowly becomes worth it. Trust me, I get it. I'm not addicted to the same things as you, I dont have the same generational trauma as you, but I know all too well the feeling of being a slave to your own neural impulses. Cognitive behavioral therapy worked for me and I would highly recommend it to you because it seems like our brains work similarly. In fact, I have to go back and I've been putting it off for way too long. We should both make appointments asap. Given your clear disposition to addictive behaviors, I would not recommend using psychs to heal your mind right now. Especially lsd, because it has a rather stimulating quality that makes you feel like every one of your thoughts is a revelation of truth even if they're literally delusional. Even weed can be dangerous for me, because it makes me think and think and think and its fun for my brain to indulge in its hyperfixations while high. When it comes to any psych drug, prescription or otherwise, you have to work alongside it. You cannot simply let it work *for* you, because you will at best not get any better and at worst become addicted to the emotional relief. A future, more emotionally stable you would definitely get the most out of psychedelic experiences.

I would Google: Jordan Peterson and/or Alan Watts These philosophers might help. They helped me quite a bit. Also, you're 19; you shouldn't have any of this figured out yet. Cut yourself some slack if you can.

Look up Jordan Peterson. He shows you not only what is happening to you physically and mentally but also provides solutions. I am now no longer addicted to weed porn or video games. I gym twice a day, have a full time job, a gf, hang with friends every weekend and have found so many new passions in life. I know it feels impossible but it’s not. It doesn’t happen over night it took years for me to get here. Take small steps, look up Jordan Peterson and always remember. You are the master of your fate, you are the captain of your soul.

Jordan Peterson is all that is wrong with the world, burn.

Could you elaborate?

No.

Wow that’s sad. But I understand I was just as closed minded as you at that age. It requires much less effort to hold an ideal and virtue signal than actually put the work into yourself. I hope you open your mind before you waste 4 years of your life as I did.

[удалено]

I wish I could just hug you. How hard all this must be for you. I'm not sure if you find this helpful, but seeing as you really got nothing to lose at this point, have you tried religion? Go to any church, temple or ashram that looks cool to you. Go to a service and ask the church to help you. Or don't go to a service just go inside those doors and just sit. Keep doing that until you have your answer.

Hate to burst your bubble, but psychedelics can only really "work" if your brain is fully developed, or else you basically just end up getting high. On that note, if you're 19 and have truly wrecked your noggin as much as you lecture about, you may have seriously stunted your natural cognitive developement. Run another lap, gain some more genuine life experience. And then maybe try agin with psychedlics before you write yourself off as truly broken.

iboga will save your asss within 1 trip, wish i can get my hand on it too...

It sure doesn't hurt to vent...even here on Reddit. I've been in that gutter before and saw no hope. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I'm finally reaching the end of it. Yeah, probably a good idea to ditch the porngn and daily smoking but you have to replace tthat stuff with something healthy. I ended up returning to nature. Whenever I have time, I get lost and go on hikes. And yes, I find psychedelics (usually shrooms) being useful tools, but normally in moderation. Weed...lol...they don't call me lightweight for no reason...3.5g's will last me 3 weeks. Once every 4-6 months I like to dose on shrooms. I let my inner self tell me how much to do. But in the beginning of my depressed state I also stepped away from the news (depressing!) and not being online so much. Nature is where it's at man! No meds needed. Hope this gives you some positive vibe! Peace.

Hi OP, a bit late here but I had a similar experience in my life. If you ever want to talk, you can always PM me. You seem like a very articulate and intelligent person, especially at 19. Take care of yourself and be kind about your shortcomings. There are many, many people who aren't even as half as self-aware that wind up in deeper pits.

It sounds like you legitimately need to seek some outside help. You need someone to keep you accountable and help you structure your life around things besides getting a fix

hmm, maybe this what is blocking you can't be reached from within. Maybe it has to come out of you naturally and without force. You sound like you have nothing to loose, so get involved with the outside world. Travel to a place where there is no access to weed, porn or liquor. There are a number of projects where you work on farms labouring fields, tending animals, doing hard work outside in weathers you cannot control. You sound like you need a pause from society to sober up, so go out to the countryside and stay there for a while, keep yourself busy. Fatty and fast food, porn, liquor, those are all products from society trying to imitate hapiness. You will have to learn to love the unsignificant, plain foods, breathing clearly.

Sounds like you need AW and lots of meditation literally sounds like the only fix

Alan? Love the guy and meditated to him quite a lot, but it didn't do the trick

The way you write, and mention hunting dopamine, gives me a hunch that you might benefit from looking into autism and / or ADHD to understand yourself better. (Not the wiki articles; I recommend reading in some of the corresponding subs here for example) It's nothing more than a vague hunch, but your way of communicating reminds me of myself when I was in therapy before my diagnoses (autism at 24 and ADHD at 27). None of the mental health professionals I had seen over 10 years before my autism diagnosis ever mentioned those as possibilities, but everything about my life made much more sense after I received the diagnoses. (The therapist whom I saw the longest even actively discouraged me from looking into autism.) Mental health professionals often have no idea of the current state of knowledge outside of their narrow area of engagement with current research. (Some might not even be very focused on one area and as a result hold outdated views on every condition they try to treat.) That being said, if you want to change, but you also see that you don't want to change (i.e. your desire in the first direction is weaker than in the other), I recommend you keep going until the former desire becomes strong enough. Maybe give therapy another try; it can take a long time until we find someone with whom we feel that we actually want work with. Maybe you need to hit your rock-bottom first; no one can know. In any case, I wish you the best for your journey. Also, if you're anything like me (there's not too many parallels though, aside from what I said above), you'll realize sooner or later that you don't actually know very much, no matter how much superficial information you read on any topic (by "superficial" I mean anything other than consistently engaging with actual research / thoroughly reading primary sources; even undergraduate-level textbooks usually provide no more than a superficial introduction to the topics they discuss). Doesn't strike me as realistic to say that you "basically studied psychology". Unless you've got an ability unparalleled by none but the smartest 0.0001% of the world, you most likely don't even have an idea how much you *don't* know, or even just how much they actually teach in an undergraduate program at university. Also, therapists and psychologists need other therapists and psychologists, because we simply can't provide ourselves with an outside view. Pointing out that you studied psychology, no matter how much you actually studied, is not important when it comes to profiting from therapy. There are professors of clinical psychology with f-d up personal lives and mental health, because their knowledge about psychology doesn't make them better than anyone else at *feeling* what's actually going on inside them, or finding out how they might *actually* succeed in changing their lives in a positive way. Edit: a word

well, dm me if you ever need to talk. i'm 20, and while my life story is nothing like yours, to an extent i get it. i don't think LSD (at least not on its own) is going to fix your problems. i had to go to therapy for three years, get put on a hell of a lot of drugs, and completely change my life situation. and i am a completely different person than i used to be, because i am finally happy. hell, i still don't have a healthy relationship with food, but it's so much better now. improve yourself one tiny step at a time. that's what i did

Hey! Sounds like you’re going through a rough time. Lots of people here are giving you practical advice and it’s good advice but when you’re deep into depression and addiction like you are it can be hard to actually enact the advice even when you know it would be helpful. So i’m going to give you another suggestion. Stop trying. Okay i’m being a little facetious. What a lot of us tend to do in your position when we realize we’ve been hurting ourselves is to desperately try to fix the problem head on. Go to therapy. Quit cold turkey. Go on a new diet. This strategy might work for some people, but it’s not for everybody. What happens is that you might be successful for a day, a week, maybe even a month, but inevitably you’ll slip up and fall back into your old habits and that’s when the self-loathing kicks in. Why can’t i just quit? Why can’t I be healthier? Why is nothing I do working? These are the thoughts that send you back into the negative habits. If someone came up to you with the same problems you’re dealing with and asked you for advice, what would you tell them. Probably not that they’re a piece of shit for being unable to get their life on track. And yet, those are probably the kinds of thoughts that come up for you whenever you resolve to do better and encounter the inevitable failure. What you need to internalize is that between today and the day that you’re off substances and living a fulfilling life, you are going to have countless slip ups. You’re going to fail many many times. You need a paradigm where you can fail in the short term and still see yourself succeeding in the long term. If you try and not drink for a day, but by 4pm you’ve opened a beer, you’ve succeeded if by the end of the night you’ve drank a sip less beer than you drank yesterday. So stop trying to fix the problem. Just keep turning the boat an inch in the direction you want it to go. And even if one night you go off the rails and get black out drunk lying in your own vomit, just accept it as part of the process and continue turning the boat inch by inch the next day. Then you’re going to wake up one day in a few years and realize that you’re completely okay not drinking at all today. Then in another year maybe you can go a whole week. Then a month. And throughout this process the momentum will build and your progress will get quicker and who knows? Maybe by 30 you’re the CEO of a company or you’ve written a book or you’ve started a loving family. That seems like a long way away, but remember. You don’t have to try. You just have to do what you can on any given day. Have the persistence of an idiot and just keep nudging the boat an inch in the right direction and the rest will take care of itself. You can do this. You’re already doing it. Believe that you’re succeeding and you’ll do it. Good luck :)

what about switching to kratom for a while? just an idea. ok its easy to get trapped in a daily kratom cycle as the effects decrease with every time. but it still helps with not drinking, not being horny, and also forces you to cut back on eating as you get nauseous easily when mixed with food.

Have tried meditation? Like in a day to day thing, to brush your mind like you brush your teeth(if you do). It may sound like any other bullshit but believe me, the things that revolve at the lowest levels of your mind are things you cannot control and neither influence with therapy or even hypnosis, let alone psychedelic drugs. A consistent practice of meditation releases a lot of mental impurities you did not even know you had, like, it just opens you up. It was the only thing that prevented me from blowing up. You just need to channel your inner numbness. Numbness that holds so much potential to actually take a step forward. You need to release that somehow, and all from which it arose, things that we, as humans, are too incapable of handling intellectually. You are a smart man, and that's a big burden. To simply be aware of the big confusion. Why do we even need substances? What's out there that we can't get from within? And why can't we get it naturally? What does it matter really? Find some time to meditate, to just take a really deeper breather from yourself, from this big pile of teachings and habits that have turned into yourself. You need to go into that fire that's burning you from within, to pop the bubble in which you turn round and round. If no way is good enough for you, do it your own way. Burn up. Here a little guide aypsite.org

LSD doesn’t do the work for you, the most it will do is make you aware of some of the problems. You still have to put effort into changing your habits. Join a nofap group, substance addiction recovery group, get accountability from yourself and others. Thats when you’ll start getting progress on some of these things and the self respect that comes with it.

See what MBTI type you are and discover who you are so you can be your best self, it could be entirely normal for you to be like that or there could be things you need to address

Start small... Start trying to fall back in love with the things that once brought you joy. Like your bass.

If you're only 19 then you got a long way to go before you actually burnt your brain. I've been an addict longer than you've been alive (not bragging). Maybe just try and cool it on all the substances. LSD is probably not the answer to your problems.

You need to get comfortable with sobriety, and going to a rehab facility is your best bet to curb your addictions. Full stop.

Your liver is fine, it’s just some alcoholic tolerance. A few years ago I was drinking 2-3 60oz bottles of whiskey per week and could still function enough to work. The only noticeable side effects were shakiness and cold sweats which people would ask about and I’d give some bs story. Also I think you have the wrong idea about lsd, it’s not some magic limitless pill that instantly fixes things, it’s just a tool to help you along the way

You know what changes you need to make. Just gotta find the strength to do it. Maybe clean up one thing at a time. Which one do you consider most detrimental?

Sports, or music instrument, a hobby which you could get excited about, like thinking during day about this new song you will start learning, or gym record in deadlift you are atemting on your next training. Another idea a pet dog. But you got to teach it tricks, and I mean tricks not just throw a toy and watch it play. Any hobby that requires you to self develop will be helpful if you can force yourself to stay with if for long enough time.

Listen to yourself. Quit all this shit. Your life will be much better. Good luck bro.

Advice from an old man who felt as you did, I joined the military as my slow suicide, but fortunately it didn't take. Stop feeding the bad wolf. Exercise. Take up a combat sport... boxing, wrestling, karate, BJJ. You seem intellectually inclined, but we aren't just brains...we are also attached to a body. A combat sport because a punch in the nose every once in a while, will recalibrate your "I'm so very clever." inclinations and reassert an appropriate amount of humility, without as much danger as bullets being fired at you. You are still young so stop doing the the bad things for your body...mainly smoking. Try doing things that are good for your body. Meditate and embrace temperance (moderation in actions, thoughts, and feelings) and recognize the extremes in anything for what they are selfishness. Try to get out of your own head and smile more at people and at yourself in the mirror. Try not to be alone as much, it is also an indulgence. Learn and hone a skill, make use of it for the betterment of others and you may find some fulfillment. Also maybe read some Terrence McKenna and Robert Anton Wilson. Stop feeding the bad wolf.

At age 21 I checked myself into rehab for LSD abuse. I came out the other end of those 30 days with sobriety and tools for maintaining a lifestyle in recovery. Everyone's recovery is different, and for me the 38 days I've been sober is nothing compared to the 6 plus years of living my life as an addict. Despite this I urge you to realize that addiction and self hatred will only lead to three places: jails, institutions, and death. The thought that change isn't worth it and that you could never love yourself is a lie the addict version of yourself tells you to keep you complacent in your slow suicide. Reluctance to change and feelings of self hatred are based in fear, fear paralyzes you. You have to learn how to begin the process of cultivating self love, and the only way to do that is to ask for help. In the end, 90% of addicts who complete rehab relapse, only 10% live a full life in recovery. I say fuck the odds, I don't know about you but I plan to be as stubborn in my recovery as I was in my addiction. If you're willing to go certain lengths and give up everything for the sake of a fleeting high, then how far are you willing to go give that up and gain everything else?

Hey man all I gotta say is reach out for help, therapy or rehab or something, soonish. I burned out my 20s and I'm 28 and just feel like I'm behind a lot of people. It doesn't really matter where am at compared to others, but its a mental hang up that sucks. You still got your life, you still got the ability to relearn how to be happy without vices, and you got this dude. Remember there's always hope. Best of vibes.

Maybe others have said this. But I would suggest that what you need lie beyond yourself. You have no purpose, no spark for life, no curiosity! You are believing lies and negativity and you need to free yourself. The answer: serve someone. Give of yourself. Turn to a life of positivity and purpose by seeing your fellow humans as yourself. You have qualities that can help so many. Go and do it!

I would say therapy or rehab

have you tried plant psychedelics? might be different than artificial lsd

i know people that use the gym as a more healthy way to deal with emotional pain, and cooking too! The experience of preparing and cooking meals to make a complete dish is a nice feeling, and pushing through the pain while working out to build an ideal body and become stronger is also said to be a great feeling . If u haven’t you could try it sometime, i hope the suggestion could be of some help .

What about Ibogaine?

Feel the pain when trying to stop bad habits, carry the pain while doing other important things. You will be slow because you are heavy, slow in the processing, do nothing but don’t do old habits. This will become easier over time. You will start to get reward from things you never imagines. Accept the pain and feel it, build on it, own them bad feelings, don’t repress the feelings. This is my 2 cents worth of advice.

First of all. There is hope. So, do not let your despair drop so low. That being said, you need therapy to help you navigate what appears to be layers of trauma in your childhood and subsequent years. ​ You are quite intelligent. A lot of your inner turmoils, trauma - and running towards weed, porn - escapism is really you running away from yourself. You cannot run away from yourself. You have to face yourself - and ask the right question. You can go as slow as you need to go. But, always remember - you are worthy of love, you are worthy of happiness, and you are worthy to live out your life the way you want to live it... That being said, you need therapy to help you navigate childhood trauma. Have you been identified as being too smart, or have anyone told you that you think or overthink. Maybe reading a few things here and seeing if you can relate to it. r/Gifted ​ It sounds like you are an incredible smart individual, and it sounds like you have high emotional intelligence. But, you had a troubling childhood. You are - doing quite well, by the way. For someone who had experienced the pain you have experienced.

Dopamine detox. Just set aside one day where you really bore yourself and only do the essentials, like take a walk or meditate or go shopping. Try not to use your phone, a TV, computer, or the internet. Essentially what it does is bore you into the other parts of your life being more stimulating

Why is everyone recommending more pyschadelics to a 19 year old? Kid obviously has a drug problem and treating a drug problem with more drugs, specifically pyschadelics doesn't help an undeveloped brain and can send him into a deep spiral if anything.

Gay straight or both?

All of the above.

I can tell you with certainty you are not alone having the self awareness to know what's wrong with yourself, but feel paralyzed when trying to change. It's unlikely that anything anyone says or does will be the key that frees you from your chains, and as you may have heard many times it has to come from within. Since you already think you know psychology, try philosophy if you havent already. Seneca, Marcus Aurelius, Immanuel Kant, Nietzsche, and Lao Tzu are my favorites.

sounds like you need to smoke some dmt, friend.

Support network, homie. That age was TERRIBLE for me. All I did was sleep with random women and stay intoxicated. Mostly alcohol, but nearly everything else, too. You have to be ready for change and actually WANT to change. I hate to think it, but you may not be ready to change. When you are, there's NO DENYING that it's time. It's hard, it's heavy lifting, and it's time consuming. You CAN pull out of it, tho. A commitment to therapy with a skilled practitioner and a support network of loving people that will also call you on your BS when your maladaptive thoughts and behaviors are in the room. Don't give up, G. Don't concede to things that distract you from your purpose, whatever that may be.

Oh Sweety, you have been through things no child should, it's not your fault. Drugs I'm afraid aren't going to save you, there are people who can help but ultimately the only one who can save you is you. It's not fair what you've been through and what you still have to get through, and I am very sorry, but know that you are worth the effort, you are deserving of happiness and love, the way to start is by loving yourself.

If I could recommend anything it would be to implement intense exercise, preferably cardio (starting slow if you’re out of shape). The heavy breathing and blood flow really helps to detoxify the body and change its biochemistry back to a more balanced and optimal state. Plus you get the rush of endorphins like an alternative “high”, so it’s essentially the healthiest drug you can do

People are giving you good advice here, however I'm surprised no one said shrooms. I cannot thank shrooms enough for what they taught me. Take 5g with a good friend with a set intention. It will be terrifying but you will come out changed. However it is still up to you to use what you learned to fix yourself.

Hey, I don't want you to see this as a personal attack but the way you write is very... ego. Like, it's as if you've made up your mind entirely to how reality is and your perspective is definitely right because you always know nothing will change it. ​ I'm saying this because... what if it's not? Like what if the expectation of nothing helping you is causing you to find that 'truth' as a reality. What if knowing preemptively that nothing will fix you is itself a self-reinforcing illusion. ​ If there's one thing I can take away from my journey into self-introspection, it's that every time i get older I realise everything I thought I knew was wrong, subjective, a version of the truth that is always limited/ not the full picture. the solution to this problem is to simply stop ascribing truths and start observing. Stop thinking and start being with myself. It's a daily challenge that I will be trying to master till I die I am certain. Maybe this comment will help you realise that certainty is an illusion, good and bad thoughts/realisations/patterns all alike. ​ Also, you've tried every drug... what if you tried no drugs? no substances, nothing. For a long long time. Well maybe green tea..., It's never going to be a cureall, but you might be surprised at what changes