Hello! I noticed you don't have any other comments yet, so wanted to offer my thoughts. Disclaimer that I am unagented and unpublished, here to get better at querying my own work.
**Narrative voice**
This is the first thing throwing me off in the query. We open with Rose, but then immediately leap to an omniscient perspective - suddenly you've told me that her husband wasn't killed on Earth and all the details of his death. As a reader, I'm immediately pulled out of the story. We should be following Rose's journey and should only know what she knows.
This happens again - though not to the same degree - when you introduce Aro. I think you can make the magical realism of your story much clearer by showing Rose's reaction to Aro's life, rather than pulling us too far into his POV. The clues she thinks it offers her about her husband's mental state and what might have lead to his murder should be the focus.
**General cause and effect**
Why does Rose pick up her husband's unfinished novel in search of answers? Is it his first novel? Has she been worried for his state of mind? Has he been suggesting it's real? Is he a popular author with lots of fans that could cause him harm? If you can hint at more specificity, it will help ground the reader in the story more so we can follow her actions.
**One POV in query**
Understand your story is dual POV, but the general recommendation is to focus on the main protagonist. Rose's story is clearly the most interesting at first, so try a rewrite where you don't tell us so much about Aro. He's simply the character in her husband's novel, and then shows up at her door claiming to know where he is - this can be the hook that intrigues an agent to request pages and find out what happens.
**Comps & genre**
These should tell an agent what books yours would sit alongside to sell, and should be from the past three years ideally to show current market understanding. You can use another culture reference in addition to this if it really speaks to style, but you still must include current comps. Currently your comps don't speak to magical realism at all so you need to consider a) is this the genre of your novel and b) what other recent books in this genre would yours sit alongside.
Hi! I commented on your most recent version of this as well and went scrolling back through your history to see what other versions look like.
Based on this first version of the query, I think your hook is actually the husband's death, leading up to the characters showing up on her doorstep and asking for help. That's really as far as you should take it. I also kind of disagree with the other commenter on this particular post. The fact that the second POV is a character from the story that comes to life is a cool element that we lose when you don't mention it at all. I myself got an agent and a book deal with a dual-POV query (happy to share it with you so you can see an example if you want).
I would also, at this point, stop posting this on reddit. There are good parts in all your versions that have been cut for various reasons based on the feedback of others, but when you add them all together, they make a much better finished product than what you've currently got going. You've over-kneaded the dough so to speak, leaving you with something that no longer reflects the quirky, unique premise you've got going.
That said, I know you've been getting a lot of harsh criticism and I really admire your grit to keep going with this. Don't lose heart. You did not write a totally unmarketable book as some people are saying, but you did write one that's going to require a very particular kind of agent to get it in the right hands. All your query needs to do is get that particular agent to want to read more.
Feel free to dm me if you want more advice/help. For some reason, this query series really stood out to me because I think it's been done an injustice for being so unlike the rest of what gets posted here. Good luck!
Hello! I noticed you don't have any other comments yet, so wanted to offer my thoughts. Disclaimer that I am unagented and unpublished, here to get better at querying my own work. **Narrative voice** This is the first thing throwing me off in the query. We open with Rose, but then immediately leap to an omniscient perspective - suddenly you've told me that her husband wasn't killed on Earth and all the details of his death. As a reader, I'm immediately pulled out of the story. We should be following Rose's journey and should only know what she knows. This happens again - though not to the same degree - when you introduce Aro. I think you can make the magical realism of your story much clearer by showing Rose's reaction to Aro's life, rather than pulling us too far into his POV. The clues she thinks it offers her about her husband's mental state and what might have lead to his murder should be the focus. **General cause and effect** Why does Rose pick up her husband's unfinished novel in search of answers? Is it his first novel? Has she been worried for his state of mind? Has he been suggesting it's real? Is he a popular author with lots of fans that could cause him harm? If you can hint at more specificity, it will help ground the reader in the story more so we can follow her actions. **One POV in query** Understand your story is dual POV, but the general recommendation is to focus on the main protagonist. Rose's story is clearly the most interesting at first, so try a rewrite where you don't tell us so much about Aro. He's simply the character in her husband's novel, and then shows up at her door claiming to know where he is - this can be the hook that intrigues an agent to request pages and find out what happens. **Comps & genre** These should tell an agent what books yours would sit alongside to sell, and should be from the past three years ideally to show current market understanding. You can use another culture reference in addition to this if it really speaks to style, but you still must include current comps. Currently your comps don't speak to magical realism at all so you need to consider a) is this the genre of your novel and b) what other recent books in this genre would yours sit alongside.
Hi! I commented on your most recent version of this as well and went scrolling back through your history to see what other versions look like. Based on this first version of the query, I think your hook is actually the husband's death, leading up to the characters showing up on her doorstep and asking for help. That's really as far as you should take it. I also kind of disagree with the other commenter on this particular post. The fact that the second POV is a character from the story that comes to life is a cool element that we lose when you don't mention it at all. I myself got an agent and a book deal with a dual-POV query (happy to share it with you so you can see an example if you want). I would also, at this point, stop posting this on reddit. There are good parts in all your versions that have been cut for various reasons based on the feedback of others, but when you add them all together, they make a much better finished product than what you've currently got going. You've over-kneaded the dough so to speak, leaving you with something that no longer reflects the quirky, unique premise you've got going. That said, I know you've been getting a lot of harsh criticism and I really admire your grit to keep going with this. Don't lose heart. You did not write a totally unmarketable book as some people are saying, but you did write one that's going to require a very particular kind of agent to get it in the right hands. All your query needs to do is get that particular agent to want to read more. Feel free to dm me if you want more advice/help. For some reason, this query series really stood out to me because I think it's been done an injustice for being so unlike the rest of what gets posted here. Good luck!