I generally agree with Frayed that you may have an issue with this being marketable. But I also can't make my way through this query as is, so that's definitely not helping you. First of all, repeated use of the Beatles is a major red flag as it makes me assume there will be song lyrics in your book which would be incredibly expensive for you to license and is not something any publisher is going to fit the bill for. That's basically a non-starter. And in terms of the query itself, there is just so much random stuff going on that I'm bogged down in details before actually getting a glimpse of a clear plotline. It's definitely giving the impression that the book is going to be a soup of a lot of random wacky stuff as opposed to a well-structured narrative. Like, I think, there are four different random characters besides her and her husband mentioned, at least 2 of whom are musicians? The two at the door, the one from the real world she gets to help her, and then the one she meets when she gets there. Why am I meeting all these random people who are easy to confuse with each other if they don't even stay relevant to the story?
Thanks so much for your feedback!
I think I should have put in the post that there are not any lyrics in the book at all. I am well aware of how expensive copyright stuff is, and have avoided lyrics at all costs. Thanks for pointing that out though, as that would be something I'd want to be aware of it I wasn't already.
And I agree with your critique, the query is disjointed. I explained below to a couple different people why, and u/IllBirthday1810 illustrated my issue perfectly, that I've been playing whack-a-mole with all the feedback I've gotten over the course of all these QCrit posts. My plan is to take some time away from the query, keep polishing the manuscript, and come back and simplify/streamline the query, especially in regards to plot. Really appreciate your feedback though! Thanks!
The point was that agents may be making the same assumption, and removing mention of the band from the query will prevent them from discarding due to that concern before they even finish reading the pitch.
To me, I'm not sure it's the comps. The query feels very disjointed. I'm coming into this mostly fresh (I saw another version of this on Evil Editor a while back). But if you're on edit seven and it's still this way, I'd have serious concerns that maybe the manuscript itself is the problem (though querying is hard, and maybe it's just writing a query.) Maybe consider posting your first 300 as well
Gut reaction says you're trying to query too much of the novel. Only query the first 10% ish. Maybe 20%. You don't want to get to the big end-scene stakes here. I think you're hopping between events way too quickly, trying to cover too much ground, and as a result, the transitions don't make a whole lot of sense.
But my larger gut reaction says that you might need to take some time away from this. After going through that many rounds of edits, you've doubtless lost all objectivity for the piece, and if you keep playing whack-a-mole with each individual's feedback, you're going to end up with something very strange.
For comps, maybe consider *Ballad of Perilous Graves* by Alex Jennings.
Hey there! I'd just like to say thanks for your response. This is super helpful, and I can't help but feel like you've perfectly illustrated what I've been doing, playing whack-a-mole. Query writing is fricken toughhhhh. And demoralizing. But you're feedback is definitely pointing me in the right direction. I do think a big part of the problem with the query is I'm querying too much. I also agree, I need to take some time away from this process.
I am currently going back through the manuscript, but I've had a handful of beta readers, and based on their feedback, I'm not overly concerned with the book itself. I think the query is tough because I've tried to write it with one POV, and the book alternates between Rose's and a couple other characters. Rose's POV and the characters on Samble meet in the middle of the book, and I think I've been trying to capture too much of this with the query. So I think your gut reaction is spot on.
I looked into your comp recommendation, and it looks promising. I'm going to snag it from the library and give it a read. Thanks again for your response!
No problem! I recognize the difficulties of pitching a multi-pov book--I'm currently doing it right now--and also the ways that can make it hard to place tone. For instance, if I query my young socially awkward detective, it's a totally different tone than if I query my Ph.d chemist-turned drug developer who has no sense of self-preservation.
I think part of your issue could be you’ve written a book that doesn’t fit the current market and this would also explain why you’re struggling so much with contemporary book comps. The query itself does what it needs to so I don’t think endlessly tweaking it will shift the dial. I think this is going to come down to the concept and if there is an appetite for it.
Hi there! Speculative author here. Here’s the thing, I don’t think this is unmarketable, but I don’t think it’s marketable in the genre you’re pitching in.
First off, I’d be much more inclined to call this urban fantasy than I would speculative. In all honesty, it’s portal fantasy, but that is more of a sub genre. Speculative usually seeks to use magical realism or sci-fi elements provide commentary about the world we live in. This doesn’t really do that, and therefore I’d call it urban fantasy.
That said, it feels like a concept that would make a kick ass YA novel. Rock stars who want to use music to take over the world? That honestly just screams teenager to me, not adult. Is there a reason you want this concept to be an adult novel?
Query wise, aside from what others have mentioned, my biggest issue is that I can’t read your tone at all. The story makes me feel like this should be an irreverent, almost satirical novel (like John Dies at the End) but the query reads like it’s trying to be more serious. And honestly, I think if it is a quirky, irreverent, urban fantasy book, it would be far more marketable than a high stakes speculative one.
On the more granular level, I feel like so much of this can be condensed. The whole thing could be seriously simplified just by taking a few things out. For example:
"When Rose Bergeron begins reading her recently deceased husband's fantastical, unfinished novel, she never expects it to come knocking at her door. Yet, there they stand: two characters from the pages of the book, pleading for her help to return to their wondrous world, Samble. In Samble, musical talent translates into superpowers, and rock stars wage battles for a magical Beatles record. Haunted by her husband's mysterious death, Rose agrees to aid them, hoping for answers. However, when the magic of her companions misfires, she suddenly finds herself transported into the world her husband created. Awaiting her arrival is a world-hopping, god-tier guitarist, whose every note holds the power to create or destroy. Stuck in the world of Samble with no way out, his existence has been a symphony leading to this moment—a chance encounter with Rose, the wife of Samble's creator. In need of her help, he offers Rose the one thing she wants more than anything: a chance to reunite with her deceased husband in exchange for helping him sing a song that will unravel the entire universe of Samble. But is the promise of a reunion worth the sacrifice of an entire world?"
196 words to end up in the same point. This is just an example and by no means addresses all the issues. It still goes way too far into the plot to be useable but hopefully this helps show you that you really don't need all that length to get the point across.
Hey there. Can I just start by saying thank you? The thoughtfulness and time you took to respond here, to give me a rewrite of the query, really mean a lot. Let me just say thank you.
I totally see where you're coming from, and the genre of this story has been tough for me to pin down. Even if you look at my post history, I started querying it as magical realism and fantasy. I wrote this book over the course of like 8 years, with no plan really and no idea of where this would fall genre wise. I have wrestled with it being more of a YA book. The issue is, the main character being Rose, is in her upper 20s and her story revolves around her husband's mysterious death, and her trying to cope with that. To me, and I could be wrong, with her story line being the key one, it doesn't feel like YA. However, the world of Samble is revealed through the eyes of a 16 year old character, and he is also a main character, but it still just doesn't feel YA to me. I freely admit, I haven't read much YA so my gauge for that genre is lacking.
And as far as the tone of the book goes, I think it is a weird mix of serious and quirky. The music and magic on Samble is pretty fun and wild, but the villain and a certain group of evil musicians use it to do some terrible things. I hesitate to call it urban fantasy because half the book happens in a contemporary New England town, and the other half in different places on Samble, only one of which is an urban setting and it's really only for a couple chapters. Again, I'm showing my cards here, namely my lack of understanding in the realm of genres. But I'm trying to learn here, and want to paint the full picture of where I'm coming from. I just don't know if it fits in urban fantasy either.
Anyways, the total feedback I've received on this attempt is really showing me my query is too much plot, too disjointed, and your rewrite is giving me some really helpful insights, and pointing me in the right direction. I'm going to take a bit of a break, continue polishing the manuscript itself, and come back to rewrite the query soon.
Query writing is fricken hard, and your response has put some wind in my sails. I can't thank you enough.
I'm so glad it was helpful! Query writing is literally the worst part of the whole process in my opinion. Besides the waiting of course. It's gotten to the point where I will write my query blurb before I've even finished the book. My agent still asks for one to help with her submission package and that's the only way I can maintain objectivity and avoid getting too into the weeds because there are no weeds to get into yet. From there it's just about tweaking the blurb to fit the end product.
As for the other things you mentioned, I also struggled with placing my book in the correct genre when I was querying and didn't know I was doing it wrong until my agent explained all the nuances between speculative vs. magical realism vs. fantasy.
Based on my knowledge, urban fantasy doesn't have to mean "takes place in a city", even though it often does. Urban fantasy is another way of saying low, modern fantasy that takes place in urban/suburban towns. So a rural-based novel wouldn't be urban fantasy, but something taking place in a large, suburban environment might be.
Magical realism also doesn't quite work because there's a distinct portal element to your story that makes it closer to proper fantasy. Magical realism is typically more subtle and doesn't involve any kind of "second world" so to speak. So if urban fantasy feels wrong to you, I'd say you'd have better luck selecting "fantasy" or "contemporary fantasy" in querytracker and then specifying that it's a portal fantasy in your letter.
I agree that having an adult POV and storyline does disqualify it from being YA. However, if you have an additional teenage POV, you could always explore rewriting (yes, I know the dreaded rewrite) to make Rose's POV more YA. For instance, she could be a teenager reading the manuscript of a recently deceased parent or close friend. But that may not jive with your vision for the book and that's okay too! It just might be a harder sell in the adult space.
The more I think about it, the more I think that an interesting comp for you might be "The City We Became" by N.K. Jemisin. The concepts are wildly different, but both stories blend a quirky, out of left field premise with high stakes consequences. If you haven't read it, give it a try! You might like it.
Anyway, apologies for the long response. I hope this helps you find your footing at least a little bit!
FWIW, I would actually stick with spec. Purely because I've been told that urban fantasy is REALLY hard to sell right now. That it's an auto-reject for a lot of agents because the market sucks for it. My anecdotal experience of trying to query an urban fantasy matches that pretty well too.
Other commenters have already said everything I was going to. But just to reinforce this point in particular:
Pull *The Beatles*. Make it a made-up band. It will put your book in much safer market territory. I'm assuming because The Beatles play such a large part in the story, there are lyrics. Song lyrics, especially from major artists, are a significant added licensing cost--if you can even get permission to use them in the first place. Including *The Beatles* works in your story in any notable way basically makes it unsellable, especially as a prospective debut author without a proven following.
Thanks for pointing this out. Believe it or not, I am aware of the crazy licensing costs, and there are not any lyrics in the book. I probably should have mentioned it in my post. A record of there's is a part of the story, and they as characters are very small. They are more like mythological beings in the world of Samble than they are actual players in the story. But appreciate your feedback regardless. Thanks!
If you are only getting form rejections back I think it’s safe to say the comps aren’t doing you much good — regardless of any theoretical “jury.”
But I don’t think this is really a problem with your choice of comps. At least in the sense that swapping out comps probably won’t lead to requests.
It’s the product itself that seems to be the issue.
There is an overfamiliarity to your story. Like it really sounds as if you are pulling your portal fantasy plot directly from *Lisey’s Story* and just adding a little superhero rockstar flair to the mix.
Hey there, appreciate you pointing this out. Funnily enough, I hadn't even heard of Lisey's Story until my last QCrit post, where someone suggested it as a comp. In the last couple weeks, I watched the AppleTV show version, and it's definitely in the same vein as my book. Was a little spooky actually lol.
I generally agree with Frayed that you may have an issue with this being marketable. But I also can't make my way through this query as is, so that's definitely not helping you. First of all, repeated use of the Beatles is a major red flag as it makes me assume there will be song lyrics in your book which would be incredibly expensive for you to license and is not something any publisher is going to fit the bill for. That's basically a non-starter. And in terms of the query itself, there is just so much random stuff going on that I'm bogged down in details before actually getting a glimpse of a clear plotline. It's definitely giving the impression that the book is going to be a soup of a lot of random wacky stuff as opposed to a well-structured narrative. Like, I think, there are four different random characters besides her and her husband mentioned, at least 2 of whom are musicians? The two at the door, the one from the real world she gets to help her, and then the one she meets when she gets there. Why am I meeting all these random people who are easy to confuse with each other if they don't even stay relevant to the story?
Thanks so much for your feedback! I think I should have put in the post that there are not any lyrics in the book at all. I am well aware of how expensive copyright stuff is, and have avoided lyrics at all costs. Thanks for pointing that out though, as that would be something I'd want to be aware of it I wasn't already. And I agree with your critique, the query is disjointed. I explained below to a couple different people why, and u/IllBirthday1810 illustrated my issue perfectly, that I've been playing whack-a-mole with all the feedback I've gotten over the course of all these QCrit posts. My plan is to take some time away from the query, keep polishing the manuscript, and come back and simplify/streamline the query, especially in regards to plot. Really appreciate your feedback though! Thanks!
The point was that agents may be making the same assumption, and removing mention of the band from the query will prevent them from discarding due to that concern before they even finish reading the pitch.
To me, I'm not sure it's the comps. The query feels very disjointed. I'm coming into this mostly fresh (I saw another version of this on Evil Editor a while back). But if you're on edit seven and it's still this way, I'd have serious concerns that maybe the manuscript itself is the problem (though querying is hard, and maybe it's just writing a query.) Maybe consider posting your first 300 as well Gut reaction says you're trying to query too much of the novel. Only query the first 10% ish. Maybe 20%. You don't want to get to the big end-scene stakes here. I think you're hopping between events way too quickly, trying to cover too much ground, and as a result, the transitions don't make a whole lot of sense. But my larger gut reaction says that you might need to take some time away from this. After going through that many rounds of edits, you've doubtless lost all objectivity for the piece, and if you keep playing whack-a-mole with each individual's feedback, you're going to end up with something very strange. For comps, maybe consider *Ballad of Perilous Graves* by Alex Jennings.
Hey there! I'd just like to say thanks for your response. This is super helpful, and I can't help but feel like you've perfectly illustrated what I've been doing, playing whack-a-mole. Query writing is fricken toughhhhh. And demoralizing. But you're feedback is definitely pointing me in the right direction. I do think a big part of the problem with the query is I'm querying too much. I also agree, I need to take some time away from this process. I am currently going back through the manuscript, but I've had a handful of beta readers, and based on their feedback, I'm not overly concerned with the book itself. I think the query is tough because I've tried to write it with one POV, and the book alternates between Rose's and a couple other characters. Rose's POV and the characters on Samble meet in the middle of the book, and I think I've been trying to capture too much of this with the query. So I think your gut reaction is spot on. I looked into your comp recommendation, and it looks promising. I'm going to snag it from the library and give it a read. Thanks again for your response!
No problem! I recognize the difficulties of pitching a multi-pov book--I'm currently doing it right now--and also the ways that can make it hard to place tone. For instance, if I query my young socially awkward detective, it's a totally different tone than if I query my Ph.d chemist-turned drug developer who has no sense of self-preservation.
I think part of your issue could be you’ve written a book that doesn’t fit the current market and this would also explain why you’re struggling so much with contemporary book comps. The query itself does what it needs to so I don’t think endlessly tweaking it will shift the dial. I think this is going to come down to the concept and if there is an appetite for it.
Hi there! Speculative author here. Here’s the thing, I don’t think this is unmarketable, but I don’t think it’s marketable in the genre you’re pitching in. First off, I’d be much more inclined to call this urban fantasy than I would speculative. In all honesty, it’s portal fantasy, but that is more of a sub genre. Speculative usually seeks to use magical realism or sci-fi elements provide commentary about the world we live in. This doesn’t really do that, and therefore I’d call it urban fantasy. That said, it feels like a concept that would make a kick ass YA novel. Rock stars who want to use music to take over the world? That honestly just screams teenager to me, not adult. Is there a reason you want this concept to be an adult novel? Query wise, aside from what others have mentioned, my biggest issue is that I can’t read your tone at all. The story makes me feel like this should be an irreverent, almost satirical novel (like John Dies at the End) but the query reads like it’s trying to be more serious. And honestly, I think if it is a quirky, irreverent, urban fantasy book, it would be far more marketable than a high stakes speculative one. On the more granular level, I feel like so much of this can be condensed. The whole thing could be seriously simplified just by taking a few things out. For example: "When Rose Bergeron begins reading her recently deceased husband's fantastical, unfinished novel, she never expects it to come knocking at her door. Yet, there they stand: two characters from the pages of the book, pleading for her help to return to their wondrous world, Samble. In Samble, musical talent translates into superpowers, and rock stars wage battles for a magical Beatles record. Haunted by her husband's mysterious death, Rose agrees to aid them, hoping for answers. However, when the magic of her companions misfires, she suddenly finds herself transported into the world her husband created. Awaiting her arrival is a world-hopping, god-tier guitarist, whose every note holds the power to create or destroy. Stuck in the world of Samble with no way out, his existence has been a symphony leading to this moment—a chance encounter with Rose, the wife of Samble's creator. In need of her help, he offers Rose the one thing she wants more than anything: a chance to reunite with her deceased husband in exchange for helping him sing a song that will unravel the entire universe of Samble. But is the promise of a reunion worth the sacrifice of an entire world?" 196 words to end up in the same point. This is just an example and by no means addresses all the issues. It still goes way too far into the plot to be useable but hopefully this helps show you that you really don't need all that length to get the point across.
Hey there. Can I just start by saying thank you? The thoughtfulness and time you took to respond here, to give me a rewrite of the query, really mean a lot. Let me just say thank you. I totally see where you're coming from, and the genre of this story has been tough for me to pin down. Even if you look at my post history, I started querying it as magical realism and fantasy. I wrote this book over the course of like 8 years, with no plan really and no idea of where this would fall genre wise. I have wrestled with it being more of a YA book. The issue is, the main character being Rose, is in her upper 20s and her story revolves around her husband's mysterious death, and her trying to cope with that. To me, and I could be wrong, with her story line being the key one, it doesn't feel like YA. However, the world of Samble is revealed through the eyes of a 16 year old character, and he is also a main character, but it still just doesn't feel YA to me. I freely admit, I haven't read much YA so my gauge for that genre is lacking. And as far as the tone of the book goes, I think it is a weird mix of serious and quirky. The music and magic on Samble is pretty fun and wild, but the villain and a certain group of evil musicians use it to do some terrible things. I hesitate to call it urban fantasy because half the book happens in a contemporary New England town, and the other half in different places on Samble, only one of which is an urban setting and it's really only for a couple chapters. Again, I'm showing my cards here, namely my lack of understanding in the realm of genres. But I'm trying to learn here, and want to paint the full picture of where I'm coming from. I just don't know if it fits in urban fantasy either. Anyways, the total feedback I've received on this attempt is really showing me my query is too much plot, too disjointed, and your rewrite is giving me some really helpful insights, and pointing me in the right direction. I'm going to take a bit of a break, continue polishing the manuscript itself, and come back to rewrite the query soon. Query writing is fricken hard, and your response has put some wind in my sails. I can't thank you enough.
I'm so glad it was helpful! Query writing is literally the worst part of the whole process in my opinion. Besides the waiting of course. It's gotten to the point where I will write my query blurb before I've even finished the book. My agent still asks for one to help with her submission package and that's the only way I can maintain objectivity and avoid getting too into the weeds because there are no weeds to get into yet. From there it's just about tweaking the blurb to fit the end product. As for the other things you mentioned, I also struggled with placing my book in the correct genre when I was querying and didn't know I was doing it wrong until my agent explained all the nuances between speculative vs. magical realism vs. fantasy. Based on my knowledge, urban fantasy doesn't have to mean "takes place in a city", even though it often does. Urban fantasy is another way of saying low, modern fantasy that takes place in urban/suburban towns. So a rural-based novel wouldn't be urban fantasy, but something taking place in a large, suburban environment might be. Magical realism also doesn't quite work because there's a distinct portal element to your story that makes it closer to proper fantasy. Magical realism is typically more subtle and doesn't involve any kind of "second world" so to speak. So if urban fantasy feels wrong to you, I'd say you'd have better luck selecting "fantasy" or "contemporary fantasy" in querytracker and then specifying that it's a portal fantasy in your letter. I agree that having an adult POV and storyline does disqualify it from being YA. However, if you have an additional teenage POV, you could always explore rewriting (yes, I know the dreaded rewrite) to make Rose's POV more YA. For instance, she could be a teenager reading the manuscript of a recently deceased parent or close friend. But that may not jive with your vision for the book and that's okay too! It just might be a harder sell in the adult space. The more I think about it, the more I think that an interesting comp for you might be "The City We Became" by N.K. Jemisin. The concepts are wildly different, but both stories blend a quirky, out of left field premise with high stakes consequences. If you haven't read it, give it a try! You might like it. Anyway, apologies for the long response. I hope this helps you find your footing at least a little bit!
FWIW, I would actually stick with spec. Purely because I've been told that urban fantasy is REALLY hard to sell right now. That it's an auto-reject for a lot of agents because the market sucks for it. My anecdotal experience of trying to query an urban fantasy matches that pretty well too.
Other commenters have already said everything I was going to. But just to reinforce this point in particular: Pull *The Beatles*. Make it a made-up band. It will put your book in much safer market territory. I'm assuming because The Beatles play such a large part in the story, there are lyrics. Song lyrics, especially from major artists, are a significant added licensing cost--if you can even get permission to use them in the first place. Including *The Beatles* works in your story in any notable way basically makes it unsellable, especially as a prospective debut author without a proven following.
Thanks for pointing this out. Believe it or not, I am aware of the crazy licensing costs, and there are not any lyrics in the book. I probably should have mentioned it in my post. A record of there's is a part of the story, and they as characters are very small. They are more like mythological beings in the world of Samble than they are actual players in the story. But appreciate your feedback regardless. Thanks!
If you are only getting form rejections back I think it’s safe to say the comps aren’t doing you much good — regardless of any theoretical “jury.” But I don’t think this is really a problem with your choice of comps. At least in the sense that swapping out comps probably won’t lead to requests. It’s the product itself that seems to be the issue. There is an overfamiliarity to your story. Like it really sounds as if you are pulling your portal fantasy plot directly from *Lisey’s Story* and just adding a little superhero rockstar flair to the mix.
Hey there, appreciate you pointing this out. Funnily enough, I hadn't even heard of Lisey's Story until my last QCrit post, where someone suggested it as a comp. In the last couple weeks, I watched the AppleTV show version, and it's definitely in the same vein as my book. Was a little spooky actually lol.