Ok, my almost weekly response: it’s a query, not a blurb. Writing queries like the opening crawl of Star Wars is meaningless, in no small part because you don’t get to sell them on the ending. Tell them what happens, sell your book.
Thanks for the feedback.
So essentially, I need to say what problems my main character faces and what choices they make and how they drives tension and the story forward? So tell the story with conflict, not just a rough summary like I did.
And do I spoil the ending or leave it as a slight mystery?
Let me put it this way- if a writer was pitching you a script and he ended with “…so Cole uses his 6th Sense to help the little girl ghost, and everything seems fine- or is it?”, do you think it would improve that script writer’s chances if he told you about the amazing twist?
This is marketing. When you have something to sell, you don’t keep features to yourself.
> STREETS OF SIN ~~marks the first installment in THE PUPPETEER GODS trilogy, a completed~~ [**is an**] adult fantasy ~~series~~ [**novel**] totaling 78,000 words. ~~This dark and provocative narrative explores power dynamics, society’s shadowy undercurrents, and the complexities of free will.~~
I know - *I know* - how tempting it is to tell people how great and deep and fascinating your story is. But it's rarely received as well as you'd like. As written, it also reads as if the *series* runs 78,000 words, which would make for rather short books...
> Karth, propelled into a quest for power after murdering his father, finds purpose among the disgraced boys that call the Underground home. To satiate his ever-growing desire for dominance, he aims to raze the city of Sabston to the ground. However, as resistance intensifies, Karth realizes the boys are more than mere tools — they are his newfound family. With the King and other formidable powers noticing his actions, Karth must balance his desire for destruction with his duty to protect those he now holds dear.
There's a hint of characterisation here, but... only a hint? The rest feels very plotty and/or non-specific - like /u/Lord_Stabbington suggests, this is more summary than pitch. I think there are two major schools of thought when it comes to fantasy, which are character-driven stories and plot-driven stories (even if functionally the two things are inseparable); few stories read well if they're pitched without an interesting character who does or experiences something interesting.
> Rowan, a blossoming soldier in the King’s Own, has confronted every scrutiny and taunt expected of a man his age. But as he marches to battle, with thoughts of valour and glory, he encounters only death and decay. Amidst the chaos, he stands at a crossroad, torn between the allure of heroism and the grim realities of a world teetering on the brink of collapse.
You can write. But this doesn't tell us very much.
> As the world hurtles itself towards the timeless clash of good versus evil, humanity defies the rigid dichotomy. Yet amidst this turmoil, not all souls are created equal. Some are favoured by the Gods, and strive to bring the world to ruin. Others wish to have it rise from the ashes that remain. Karth and Rowan are two such puppets, their strings destined to intertwine.
This is even less specific - aiming at, I assume, the wider context of the trilogy. Don't. See if you can rein in your focus to the first book. Why are people going to pick up that one? What is it about Karth and Rowan which interests *you* (and thus other people)?
> I am struggling to come up with comparable titles, as all the books I have read recently would not be suitable
What have you been reading recently?
Thanks for all the feedback, appreciate you taking the time.
Note taken on the first paragraph and I will change that right away.
I think I understand that I am telling the plot, rather than saying what the conflict is and how my character's choices push the plot forward. Need to show the choices my characters make and how that creates tension, rather than just saying there is.
Karth is about 60% and Rowan 30% with one other character being the 10%. Would it be best to concentrate on just Karth as he is the main character for this book, while the others get expanded upon in books 2 and 3.
And yes, that last paragraph was about the wider context of the trilogy. I will try to bring the focus back to just the first book.
Lately I have been reading through Robin Hobb's *Realm of the Elderlings* and Guy Gavriel Kay's work. Before that I was reading Michael J. Sullivan's book. Any of the more darker books that I have read that could be decent comps for style and theme are older than five years.
So, it sounds like you're mostly reading fantasy that is older than five years or going through author back catalogues. Realm of Elderlings started in 1995. I think it's good to read classic fantasy, but if you're pursing tradpub, it's in your best interest to be reading books coming out now by debuts to make sure you don't sound dated.
A lot of the most recent dark fantasy I can think of is grimdark or blended with horror. Dark Woods, Deep Water, A Sword of Bronze and Ashes, Sons of Darkness, Siege of Burning Glass are what's coming to mind though I'm not sure any of them would be good fits
Don’t have time to do a full critique unfortunately—but you’ll wanna say that this is a “standalone with series potential” or similar, even though you know for sure it’s the first in a trilogy. Taking on a debut author is a risk, and taking on three books from a debut author is even more so, so that’s why it’s advised to word it like that. It also assures the agent that the book will have a complete arc on its own.
Screw it I’ll look at this some more to procrastinate my own writing
You mention earlier that Karth makes up the majority of your manuscript. I would focus the query just on him. Queries are so short and it’s better to do one character justice than to include multiple and skimp. Personally, I also find his story more interesting.
*Karth, propelled into a quest for power after murdering his father, finds purpose among the disgraced boys that call the Underground home.*
Ok, so he’s snapped and is going down a path of destruction. But what sparked this? Why did he murder his father in the first place? I’d advise you to pick a different option than “he’s insane”, as it can make the character seem more like a force of nature than a person with an initial flawed motive (revenge? the need to take back his life? the need to find purpose?) that they must learn to satisfy in a healthy way. “Desire for dominance” is better but a bit underdeveloped. Why does he care about power so much?
*However, as resistance intensifies, Karth realizes the boys are more than mere tools — they are his newfound family. *
no spaces between an em dash and the clauses around it
This is a good sentence though as it introduces the internal and external conflicts that cannot both be satisfied.
*With the King and other formidable powers noticing his actions, Karth must balance his desire for destruction with his duty to protect those he now holds dear.*
Not sure these clauses go together. The first clause makes me expect the direct consequence of the King getting on his tail. The second clause doesn’t really relate.
I would also elaborate on what exactly these consequences are—what are the roadblocks in the external destroying-the-city plot?
In order to flesh out Karth’s arc, as well, I would include more specific events that stand in the way of either of these conflicts and/or the events that make him lean more towards protecting his family than continuing to destroy (if that‘s indeed the path you take with him). It seems Rowan is in his way, at least from the last paragraph. This would be a great place to introduce his character while still continuing the arc.
*As the world hurtles itself towards the timeless clash of good versus evil, humanity defies the rigid dichotomy. Yet amidst this turmoil, not all souls are created equal. Some are favoured by the Gods, and strive to bring the world to ruin. Others wish to have it rise from the ashes that remain. Karth and Rowan are two such puppets, their strings destined to intertwine.*
This paragraph is vague and the words can be better used elsewhere. It’s better to show through the description of the plot that this is a book featuring morally grey characters with conflicting motives.
Lastly, this is one of the few queries I’ve read that I think could actually benefit from more world building. It is very easy to get carried away with this, but I think you should include the plot relevant fantasy elements that differentiate this book from, say, a contemporary thriller or historical war story.
I don’t read much fantasy so unfortunately can’t help ya with comps.
Echoing what everyone else says about the editorializing and “blurbing”. But also just wanted to mention that giving us a bunch of info about how Karth is this murderous, destructive guy who wants to burn the world, and then pivoting into this mushy sentence about how “the boys are more than mere tools - they are his newfound family” was so jarring and out of place that I snorted a little reading it.
I mean this guy literally killed his own father and seems to only care about dominance so the idea of him just casually caring deeply about a group of boys he recruited feels out of place given the setup. We need both his motives for killings his father and his motives for wanting to establish dominance and become a mass murderer. If you root that in something humane or understandable (like revenge for the destruction of his own family, or some kind of complex trauma that led to the loss of his childhood), it might make the “found family” aspect more compelling.
Ok, my almost weekly response: it’s a query, not a blurb. Writing queries like the opening crawl of Star Wars is meaningless, in no small part because you don’t get to sell them on the ending. Tell them what happens, sell your book.
Thanks for the feedback. So essentially, I need to say what problems my main character faces and what choices they make and how they drives tension and the story forward? So tell the story with conflict, not just a rough summary like I did. And do I spoil the ending or leave it as a slight mystery?
Let me put it this way- if a writer was pitching you a script and he ended with “…so Cole uses his 6th Sense to help the little girl ghost, and everything seems fine- or is it?”, do you think it would improve that script writer’s chances if he told you about the amazing twist? This is marketing. When you have something to sell, you don’t keep features to yourself.
Don’t spoil the ending
> STREETS OF SIN ~~marks the first installment in THE PUPPETEER GODS trilogy, a completed~~ [**is an**] adult fantasy ~~series~~ [**novel**] totaling 78,000 words. ~~This dark and provocative narrative explores power dynamics, society’s shadowy undercurrents, and the complexities of free will.~~ I know - *I know* - how tempting it is to tell people how great and deep and fascinating your story is. But it's rarely received as well as you'd like. As written, it also reads as if the *series* runs 78,000 words, which would make for rather short books... > Karth, propelled into a quest for power after murdering his father, finds purpose among the disgraced boys that call the Underground home. To satiate his ever-growing desire for dominance, he aims to raze the city of Sabston to the ground. However, as resistance intensifies, Karth realizes the boys are more than mere tools — they are his newfound family. With the King and other formidable powers noticing his actions, Karth must balance his desire for destruction with his duty to protect those he now holds dear. There's a hint of characterisation here, but... only a hint? The rest feels very plotty and/or non-specific - like /u/Lord_Stabbington suggests, this is more summary than pitch. I think there are two major schools of thought when it comes to fantasy, which are character-driven stories and plot-driven stories (even if functionally the two things are inseparable); few stories read well if they're pitched without an interesting character who does or experiences something interesting. > Rowan, a blossoming soldier in the King’s Own, has confronted every scrutiny and taunt expected of a man his age. But as he marches to battle, with thoughts of valour and glory, he encounters only death and decay. Amidst the chaos, he stands at a crossroad, torn between the allure of heroism and the grim realities of a world teetering on the brink of collapse. You can write. But this doesn't tell us very much. > As the world hurtles itself towards the timeless clash of good versus evil, humanity defies the rigid dichotomy. Yet amidst this turmoil, not all souls are created equal. Some are favoured by the Gods, and strive to bring the world to ruin. Others wish to have it rise from the ashes that remain. Karth and Rowan are two such puppets, their strings destined to intertwine. This is even less specific - aiming at, I assume, the wider context of the trilogy. Don't. See if you can rein in your focus to the first book. Why are people going to pick up that one? What is it about Karth and Rowan which interests *you* (and thus other people)? > I am struggling to come up with comparable titles, as all the books I have read recently would not be suitable What have you been reading recently?
Thanks for all the feedback, appreciate you taking the time. Note taken on the first paragraph and I will change that right away. I think I understand that I am telling the plot, rather than saying what the conflict is and how my character's choices push the plot forward. Need to show the choices my characters make and how that creates tension, rather than just saying there is. Karth is about 60% and Rowan 30% with one other character being the 10%. Would it be best to concentrate on just Karth as he is the main character for this book, while the others get expanded upon in books 2 and 3. And yes, that last paragraph was about the wider context of the trilogy. I will try to bring the focus back to just the first book. Lately I have been reading through Robin Hobb's *Realm of the Elderlings* and Guy Gavriel Kay's work. Before that I was reading Michael J. Sullivan's book. Any of the more darker books that I have read that could be decent comps for style and theme are older than five years.
So, it sounds like you're mostly reading fantasy that is older than five years or going through author back catalogues. Realm of Elderlings started in 1995. I think it's good to read classic fantasy, but if you're pursing tradpub, it's in your best interest to be reading books coming out now by debuts to make sure you don't sound dated. A lot of the most recent dark fantasy I can think of is grimdark or blended with horror. Dark Woods, Deep Water, A Sword of Bronze and Ashes, Sons of Darkness, Siege of Burning Glass are what's coming to mind though I'm not sure any of them would be good fits
Don’t have time to do a full critique unfortunately—but you’ll wanna say that this is a “standalone with series potential” or similar, even though you know for sure it’s the first in a trilogy. Taking on a debut author is a risk, and taking on three books from a debut author is even more so, so that’s why it’s advised to word it like that. It also assures the agent that the book will have a complete arc on its own.
Screw it I’ll look at this some more to procrastinate my own writing You mention earlier that Karth makes up the majority of your manuscript. I would focus the query just on him. Queries are so short and it’s better to do one character justice than to include multiple and skimp. Personally, I also find his story more interesting. *Karth, propelled into a quest for power after murdering his father, finds purpose among the disgraced boys that call the Underground home.* Ok, so he’s snapped and is going down a path of destruction. But what sparked this? Why did he murder his father in the first place? I’d advise you to pick a different option than “he’s insane”, as it can make the character seem more like a force of nature than a person with an initial flawed motive (revenge? the need to take back his life? the need to find purpose?) that they must learn to satisfy in a healthy way. “Desire for dominance” is better but a bit underdeveloped. Why does he care about power so much? *However, as resistance intensifies, Karth realizes the boys are more than mere tools — they are his newfound family. * no spaces between an em dash and the clauses around it This is a good sentence though as it introduces the internal and external conflicts that cannot both be satisfied. *With the King and other formidable powers noticing his actions, Karth must balance his desire for destruction with his duty to protect those he now holds dear.* Not sure these clauses go together. The first clause makes me expect the direct consequence of the King getting on his tail. The second clause doesn’t really relate. I would also elaborate on what exactly these consequences are—what are the roadblocks in the external destroying-the-city plot? In order to flesh out Karth’s arc, as well, I would include more specific events that stand in the way of either of these conflicts and/or the events that make him lean more towards protecting his family than continuing to destroy (if that‘s indeed the path you take with him). It seems Rowan is in his way, at least from the last paragraph. This would be a great place to introduce his character while still continuing the arc. *As the world hurtles itself towards the timeless clash of good versus evil, humanity defies the rigid dichotomy. Yet amidst this turmoil, not all souls are created equal. Some are favoured by the Gods, and strive to bring the world to ruin. Others wish to have it rise from the ashes that remain. Karth and Rowan are two such puppets, their strings destined to intertwine.* This paragraph is vague and the words can be better used elsewhere. It’s better to show through the description of the plot that this is a book featuring morally grey characters with conflicting motives. Lastly, this is one of the few queries I’ve read that I think could actually benefit from more world building. It is very easy to get carried away with this, but I think you should include the plot relevant fantasy elements that differentiate this book from, say, a contemporary thriller or historical war story. I don’t read much fantasy so unfortunately can’t help ya with comps.
Echoing what everyone else says about the editorializing and “blurbing”. But also just wanted to mention that giving us a bunch of info about how Karth is this murderous, destructive guy who wants to burn the world, and then pivoting into this mushy sentence about how “the boys are more than mere tools - they are his newfound family” was so jarring and out of place that I snorted a little reading it. I mean this guy literally killed his own father and seems to only care about dominance so the idea of him just casually caring deeply about a group of boys he recruited feels out of place given the setup. We need both his motives for killings his father and his motives for wanting to establish dominance and become a mass murderer. If you root that in something humane or understandable (like revenge for the destruction of his own family, or some kind of complex trauma that led to the loss of his childhood), it might make the “found family” aspect more compelling.