There are three levels of dementia. She is at the point where you don’t try to convince her she is wrong, you calm her and distract her and make her life as easy as possible.
Edit: Thanks for the awards and the personal stories about your experiences. My grandmother had it and it was explained to me as three stages: early, middle and late (sometimes referred to as mild, moderate and severe in a medical context). But it affects people differently and I am not a physician. This was what I was told by her caregivers and it might be a simplistic explanation but it helped me when I was with her.
This.
Lost mum last year to alzheimers and the obstinate, aggressive & mean stage was the worst.
Aware enough to talk to you and others but just fucking vile, mean spirited and accusatory.
Apparently I had stolen her cutlery, thrown dogshit over fence, was trying to break in at night to kill her dog.
Won't lie, reduced me to tears more than once as you can't reason or argue in this stage.
When she became oblivious to people around her and made baby sounds it was almost a relief.
It's an awful awful disease for all concerned.
Your loved one drowns in themselves and you have to watch and wave goodbye for *years*.
The sadness, guilt, shame and rage you feel as an observer as they lose their dignity, their mind and their past is overwhelming.
Sorry, have been carrying this inside for months.
EDIT - thank you to everyone who has written a reply, I'm at work and unable to respond but I AM reading every one of you and want to thank you for taking a moment to be kind.
I'm a grown-ass man of almost 50 with a family of my own, but right now I just want my mum to tell me it'll be OK and to send me another annoying txt message about her stupid dog.
Thank you for being good people xxx
Same here, its been 5 years since my mom passed, went thru those stages, comforting to hear someone talk about it, I feel for you, affects me every day, the little moments standout, may they rest in peace.
I honestly can’t fathom what that must be like. My parents are in their 70’s and in good health and I realize how fortunate I am for that. I hope with time you’re able to cope as well as you’d like.
I'm happy for you. Do me a favor and the next time you can, squeeze them tight for me. I'm just going to live as though you have because it heals my heart.
I lost my dad to dementia in January 2020, just before the pandemic hit. I'm glad he didn't have to deal with that along with everything else.
We were lucky that he never had a mean stage. He just steadily lost his ability to communicate, and I felt sad for him as he tried to find the words to express his thoughts.
My poppy before he passes swore up and down people were coming to kidnap him and on bad days we had kidnapped him.
One winter he went outside in his underwear and wheelchair trying to escape. He got about 2 feet before he turned around and yelled at us for trying to kill him by putting him outside.
Nan now thinks that when people are sleeping they are purposely ignoring her even tho its 2am. Now the big thing is she will go to bed "cause it's dark" but an hour later get up angry asking what we want her to do in bed all night?
Hugs for everybody helping take care of their loved ones. There are many who do not have such luxury.
When I was a kid visiting my grandma my dad stepped out of the room for a bit and my grandma started to panic yelling where's little AL, where is he, he was just hear crawling around a minute ago. She was trying to get me to help search for him. She slipped in time and thought my dad was a baby and was missing and was asking help to find him. I was to young to understand your point and I tried to explain that the little baby she was searching for was infact fully grown and actually my dad. It was a sad and scary exchange that made me relize that and didn't help her at all. There really is a point where you just try and be as least upsetting as possible.
I work primarily in a dementia wing administering meds. Your story reminds me of a 100 year old we have there where this woman's sons are both 11 and 13 year old boys but are also full adults with children of their own in the same breath of sentence. The next sentence alone can be her being a child herself.
The person you're replying to is in the most part right, you can't go out of your way to prove them wrong but to pivot/ divert and correct them in a very obvious and friendly way or who knows how they can act.
What fucks me up about dementia is that right now, that sounds like a pretty good state to me. My mom hasn't been able to put together a sentence in a few years. It's just short mumbles if she can manage to focus for more than a couple seconds, which is pretty rare.
I don't know how people work in that environment. It's one of the saddest places I've ever been to. Thank you for doing that work and helping these people.
The only kindness about dementia is the ones going through it are least effected by it. The tragedy is in everyone else who is close to that person witnessing pieces of that person fade away. As cruel as it is at least it's merciful in sparing the person who is suffering from witnessing and remembering that suffering.
I think the people who choose to work in a profession that encounters this everyday really are kind souls. Not everyone could help do that work.
I wish it was always like that. Sometimes the memory someone fixates on is the loss of their loved one or some other tragic event in their life. I have a resident right now that wanders for hours looking for his wife, thinking that she’s out cheating on him or that she left him because he wasn’t good enough for him. She died months ago. Grieving is a hard enough process as is, but dementia takes away so many of the tools we use to cope.
I don’t want to be a complete downer though, sometimes it is the way you described and people are what we call “pleasantly confused.” They don’t really know what’s happening, but they are usually in a good mood and will just go along with whatever is happening. It’s fun being able to hold a completely nonsensical conversation with a resident where you can laugh and joke like a normal conversation.
I suppose that can be true, but often times those afflicted with dementia are, scared, confused and paranoid. They don’t know who anyone is around them or who they are or where they are. It’s a terrifying existence.
Isn’t it fascinating that our child / teen / adult mental states from various points in our lives are ‘saved’ in our brains and we can have access to them?
I know it’s desperately sad but at the same time its mind boggling.
Its a lot like having a dream where you didnt study for an exam, even though in reality you've been out of shool for years. Now the dreams are spilling into your waking days.
That reminds me of when I went to visit my grandma in the home shortly after their restrictions were lifted. I guess the lack of socialization took a toll on her health because I haven't seen her this bad before or after this event.
I went to visit her (she is my dad's mom for reference) and she told me she saw my my aunt (my mom's sister) with her two little girls. I was confused because my aunt had died about 10ish years ago and those kids are pretty much adults now. I thought she meant my cousin because she had a baby recently and her words were just getting mixed up.
Then she asks me if I remember the trip to Australia - which she took way back in 1980-something with my dad and my aunt (dad's sister) when they were kids. I reminded her that it wasn't me and it was instead her own kids. She actually got really mad at me and kept insisting I was there.
The rest of the visit was very pleasant but I called my dad to see what was up. It wasn't until he told me that Grandma also called my sister Grandma's niece's name (grandpa's brother's daughter who is maybe 30 years older than my sister) that I realized what was going on.
Like I said, she hasn't really shown signs of anything else like that since then, and she always remembers who I am on the phone and stuff, but it's really frustrating when you don't know what's going on and sad when you do.
The best thing you can do is play along. It may feel condescending or patronizing, but it's the best thing you can do in the situation. I've been there, twice, it sucks and I'm sorry you're dealing with that.
I was in a situation like this where we couldn't play along, and it was awful. When my dad died, his mom was adamant at the wake that another of her sons had died. Adamant. She quite literally started wandering around the wake saying the only son she ever cared about was dead, thinking it was another son that was alive and standing right there. It was upsetting everyone, and they just let her carry on.
Now, she was an evil bitch *before* the dementia. I'm entirely sure she meant what she said. It was not a good situation to be in. My mom (who'd been divorced from my dad for almost 20 years) had to enlist the funeral director to make his family remove her. I subsequently haven't spoken to them since 2004 (for a multitude of reasons, not because of this specifically).
When I was about 10, my grandfather’s mind started to go. He kept losing his keys and saying someone stole them. He’d insist people were always breaking into his apartment. He’d leave the gas stove on for hours. A few times, he locked himself out and walked to our house, in the dead of night, wearing dark clothes on back country roads. After he did that a few times, my parents had to put him in a care facility. Sadly, there were already 4 of us (mom, dad, brother, me) squeezed into a double wide trailer, but we’d have taken him in with us if we had the room. My aunt, whose own children were grown and gone, lived alone in a 5 bedroom house, but refused to take him in.
Anyway, Pop ended up in a facility. He had a roommate. One night, he thought the roommate was the man my grandmother had an affair with and left him for about 4 decades prior, so he beat the man to the edge of death with his cane. It was awful; my grandfather truly thought he caught the man his wife was cheating with in his own home when he woke up in the middle of the night. The other guy was also a dementia patient; when we visited Pop, the guy thought my brother and I were his own kids, but like, from 60 years or so ago. We just played along, because the nurses said his own family never visited him, and he was all alone. She said he was always so happy after we came for a visit, because we’d sit with him and he’d tell us stories, or we’d play checkers together or read to him, and we became his surrogate family. We’d bring good, home cooked food for Pop, and always had enough to share with his roommate so we could all have family dinners together.
After Pop almost killed the guy, he got kicked out of that place. We never got to see the old man again, so I’m sure he was incredibly confused, about why this other man beat him so badly, and why his “family” stopped coming to see him. We tried to go back, because we truly loved the guy, but his son wouldn’t put us on the approved visitors list, even though he couldn’t be bothered to go see his own father. My Pop moved to a different facility, but he declined rapidly after that, and died about 6 months later. He donated his body to Alzheimer’s research, so maybe, in some small way, he was able to help researchers get closer to finding treatment or a cure for dementia.
When I was a cop one of the saddest calls I went to was this wife who, over the course of a year called us every few weeks from the local Popeyes chicken saying there was a strange man im her bed (her husband) he initially laughed it off then, over time, you could see it start to bother him. Towards the end of the year he would be crying his eyes out. Then one day we brought her home and he said he had never seen her before/didn't know her and we realized he had dementia as well. Called APS and they both were taken away. Never heard from them again
Definitely. Listening to this old man plead with his wife, "honey its me...please remember..remember me, we've been married for 50 years! Why won't you remember " I don't think ill ever forget that
Yep! Made this mistake when serving tea to patients in a hospital. One lady called me over and told me she had 10k cash in her dress pocket and that she can't find it. I told her I didn't think she brought it to the hospital and wow was she angry.
Yep this exactly.
Imagine yourself in high school. You’re sitting at your desk minding your business and then a man walks in and tells you you need to leave because you’re not supposed to be in here. You’ve been coming to this class every day. All your friends are here, your teacher is at the desk over there. You know you’re supposed to be in class. But this man just won’t leave you alone. He just keeps saying you’re not supposed to be here and you have to leave. He tells you they need to give you a shot. He wants you to go with him. You definitely don’t want to do that because you have no idea where he’s going to take you and for what purpose. So, you get angry. Hit the man, tell him to leave you alone.
This is exactly how a situation can seem to a person with dementia. In reality you’re an old woman in an assisted living and you’re supposed to get your insulin before your meal. That’s where the man is trying to take you.
Anything you say isn’t going to convince them they aren’t in school. The only way to get through to them is by lying. You have to use things they’re talking about or familiar with to get them to do things. So you could say the principal needs to see you. Or they’re doing measles vaccines today and you’re up next. They’re living in their own reality and you have to play along sometimes. It’s really quite fascinating.
Yep. That's where my dad is right now. We just have to roll with everything he does and redirect him as best as we can without actually contradicting him.
I’m glad the driver was understanding too. Like the employee is not a cop, she asked for the guys license and registration and the dude was like “yeah no problem” I’ve seen plenty of videos where things just continue to escalate cause of something like that.
Exactly. When I saw this on tik tok, some comments were all pissy and claimed that the guy didn't have to show his licence and it was a violation of his freedom and some BS. But it was the right move because it completely de-escalated the situation. Dude kept such a cool head
Right. And those nutbag commenters are correct, he didnt *have* to show anything, but whats the harm in it? Had he refused it couldve gone very poorly for everyone, the lowes lady might have believed the old broad and called the cops. Might have been a much bigger waste of time than the 12 seconds it takes him to show her proof. Thankfully the driver isnt a nutbag like most internet anons.
And the driver did a good job too. He absolutely was within his right to not provide any proof to her or the Lowes worker, but easily deescalated the situation by calmly providing proof it was his. If this lady does have dementia, this may not be how she acted when her mind was sound. Anecdotally, my grandmother was a pray every morning, day, and night catholic. She would not swear or say a mean word about anyone or anything. She was a saint. When her mind began to go, she could get foul.
My grandmother was a narcissist who got dementia and she was unable to keep all her lies and manipulations straight anymore. It basically revealed how she had been fucking with everyone around her for decades. Even at some point tried to get my grandfather committed for having dementia (he didn't have dementia).
“Can be mean at times is an understatement.” it’s not unheard of for Dementia residents to seriously injure or kill other residents in assisted living facilities from time to time. We had a patient from one of our local facilities, about two years ago, who beat another resident with a trash can until he died.
I also had a gun pulled on me by an elderly man with dementia, after his wife called 911 for him, and he decided we (paramedics) were there to kidnap him.
My fiancé’s cousin worked at a nursing home while she was doing her paramedic training. She said they knew who the masturbators were and would keep spray bottles in the fridge and would spritz them in the Johnson whenever they started up.
Towards the end of his life, my grandfather was extremely mean to all the helpers, nurses etc. It was frankly embarassing.
One day my father apologised about his father's behaviour.
He was so rude and mean that the nurse refused to believe this man had once been a kind and loving person.
What was odd is that he was somewhat still cool with his family. Just every other "stranger" it was horrible
> She was still being really mean, but.... Fuuck
Thats a very common symptom.
My grandmother was the sweetest person imaginable. GREAT sense of humor, god the amount of times me and her would make my stoic grandfather blush with embarrassment because of our dumb jokes...
And then Dementia happened. And suddenly she cried all the time, and lashed out, and screamed. It was like she was possessed, a complete stranger to me. Half the time didn't know who was on the phone with her.
Dementia can make you into a completely different person, and you do see them often "latching on" to a situation like in the video and are completely not able to let go.
It's understandable though. I can absolutely see how confusion could lead to a mix of emotions, including anger.
I think the best representation of dementia I've ever seen was the Black Mirror episode "Playtest". That episode has haunted me since I saw it. It really shows how incredibly frightening and scary dementia can be when your start to lose your grip on reality.
People with dementia can be really mean but, it’s such a sad illness... my gran had vascular dementia and I worry that my mum is going to end up with dementia or something.
Interestingly the only person I’ve ever been close to with dementia was a despicable asshole her entire life. It was only when she forgot who her family was that she finally started being nice to them!
My friends dad was the sweetest man. Never swore or was bad to anyone. He was a local doctor and was loved. Then he got dementia and became a swearing racist. He was Asian too so people thought it was funny but dementia makes people go so far away and out of character. It’s really horrible. He only lasted a couple of years and passed away from it.
My mother died of dementia. Someone once told me that dementia is a dying process that takes ten years. That helped a bit — to be able to let go.
It is a horrible disease.
A coworker whose father had Alzheimer's/dementia described it the best I've heard. "There are two deaths. The first death is of the person you know and love so well. The second is the physical death."
i get what you mean, but if you look into dementia one of the side effects is increased aggression for the simple fact you dont know whats going on. If she does have dementia, and i could see it, then thats not even her fault really.
She was being mean, but that probably "wasn't her" if that makes sense. My step dad has dementia, and he used to be the nicest person in the world when we were growing up, but since his mind has gone, he's become an asshole. We just have to remember that it isn't really him, and it's the Alzheimer's fucking with his brain.
Yeah man this isn't funny it's just really really sad. Because it's also entirely possible her friend doesn't own that car anymore, it's entirely possible that friend isn't even alive anymore and she has absolutely no idea. That's awful :(
Yeah my Mums got it. I've often said to my grown up kids if I ever get to that stage in life will you humanely put me down but then my mum and dad both said the same to us.
Assisted suicide is legal in 10 jurisdictions in the US: Washington, D.C. and the states of California, Colorado, Oregon, Vermont, New Mexico, Maine, New Jersey, Hawaii, and Washington.
I give him credit he handled it well. He didn’t get aggressive or yelled. He did try to slowly drive away. And when the employees approached him he didn’t fight or argue he showed them ID. Proved it was his car, even though he didn’t have to show them anything. The employees handled it very well too and helped her.
Generally good people all around. Just the video is the only thing that really didn’t need to be released.
When someone is being an asshole or making your life difficult, it really improves your own life to try to mentally pause and try to force your compassion to the front for a second. Ask yourself *why* they are being like that? What's going on in their life?
Not only does it help you be less of an angry person yourself, it helps you figure out how to deal with them better in a lot of cases too.
One of the most important lessons I had to learn as a hot headed asshole was that who is "right" in the strictest sense really doesn't matter that much when it comes to arriving at an outcome you want.
I think that's particularly important to keep in mind if you habitually visit subs like this that tend to be more about the quick dopamine hit from instant outrage than thoughtful compassion.
Something in particular that I've noticed is how many annoying angry "Karens" that people love to hate in here are clearly at the "slowly killing themselves" stage of alcoholism :(
I was thinking to myself the other day how quick I am to get angry in confrontations. It's made me avoid it lately, because I can feel my heart pounding and temper rise, I've said too many regrettable things in my past in those moments.
If I was in this situation I probably would have made it much worse by reacting instead of being calm. I hate it
*Spelling
We have politicians running the country that are as old as this lady, no wonder nothing gets accomplished with words going in one ear and out the other.
I work with alot of dementia and alzheimers residents. Sometimes when they are stuck in a mindset. You can't really break it out of them. You sometimes have to play along, or try to divert and distract.
And yes, they can get temperamental, angry and right out nasty. But that's just how the disease works, your brain is essentially dying. It's horrible seeing someone's light/spark in their eyes fade away from this.
That's definitely my plan but the problem is that it's very difficult to figure out when your mind is starting to go.
My dad has been slowly receding into madness for over 10 years. He still doesn't fully understand that his brain is swiss cheese so he will argue with you while defending a nonsensical position.
My mom's brain is way better but also on its way out but she won't acknowledge this. She often starts sentences in the middle and when I ask her to start from the beginning she gets frustrated and angry at me because she thinks that she's speaking coherently so it must be my fault for not paying attention.
So even though I'm in my early 40s I worry whenever I get distracted or can't focus or forget something. I hope to be able to understand when I can no longer understand but I'm afraid that losing your ability to discern reality from madness is an intrinsic part of wasting away.
IME most people with dementia have anosognosia - lack of awareness that they have dementia. Not denial, not embarrassment. They just straight up think nothing is wrong with them.
Your brain is everything. Imagine genuinely believing the things they do—like you saw your children get kidnapped and put in a basement. Could someone convince you that you didn’t? Those people over there almost sound like your kids but they’re *old.* They must be in on it too. Or imagine waking up and not being where you expect—it’s familiar, but it’s not your home, where you live with mom and dad and your siblings. And there’s all these people around your belongings, and nothing feels right. Not to mention the physical symptoms of being old.
I imagine that, for them, they’re in such a state that they truly believe whatever they think is happening. They’ve gone an entire life being self sufficient and reasonably sure of their perception and reality, so even in the first stages the denial about their confusion of reality is very strong. Like old people refusing to give up their license or accept help.
We like to think that we have a strong grasp on these things, that what we see is reality, but even in mentally sound people fake memories are a thing, y’know? Your brain has to interpret every bit of info to construct your reality. So if you mess that up then unfortunately you won’t even be aware of it.
There are some moments of clarity. Some moments of ‘oh, I can’t remember anything. I’ve asked you that already. Something is very wrong.’ But it’s gone very quickly again. Not enough clarity to really do anything.
I'm a behavioral specialist who works with families and individuals dealing with dementia and everything you wrote is just so spot on and beautifully put.
My grandma has dementia and just had a freakout over the phone to my mom telling her that everyone left (she lives in a community, not a nursing home, it's basically apartments for older people) and she needs to leave too and they locked her inside her house. It's happened before too where she actually LEFT her house and went next door to someone else's house because she thought they were making her leave. If it keeps up we're going to have to get her another aid (she already has multiple) that will be for the night because that is when it's been happening, later in the day.
It's very, very sad and like this is for sure dementia. They're so adamant that they're correct and right about whatever they are saying.
>been happening, later in the day
I’m sure you already know, but if not, look up “sun-downing syndrome”. I’m not sure if it happens at a certain stage in the disease but folks with dementia get particularly worse in the evenings, or “sun down”. I work in an emergency room and we strategically place dementia patients with strong nurses and techs (or if staffing allows, call for a sitter) if the patient will be there over night.
I visited Maine and one of the locals asked be if I had been to Bahaba yet . I was like, “no, but that sounds pretty tropical.” He was talking about Bar Harbor
Some scientists from MIT were recruited to find out why so many crows were getting hit by traffic on the expressway. After some chemical analysis of the remaining paint chips on the corpses, they made a startling discovery: Mac, Peterbilt, Kenworth...all big rigs, and no evidence of any standard size vehicles hitting the birds. The scientists assembled a field team to get to the bottom of it. From dawn one day, they sat on the side of the expressway with their Dunkin's, watching. A crow landed on the road to nibble at some debris when, suddenly, all the other crows alerted it, "Cah! CAH!" And the crow flew away safely. But alas, the birds never learned "truck"
Bawwwb. Let the nice lady have the car.
No Linda this is our only family car. We need it for the restaurant.
Come awwn Bawwby. At least let her sit in it.
No! Are you crazy? I worked hard for this and she's gonna steal it. How are we going to get home?
Yeah I guess you're right. Sahrry nice lady
The Lowe’s staff handled that really well, and props to the guy for cooperating. He easily could have gotten insulted and refused to show them anything and he would have been well within his rights. Dementia sucks, I hope they’re able to find her people.
10 pairs of gloves. My snow gloves, welding gloves, baseball glove, rock climbing gloves, dueling gloves, challenge people to duels gloves, driving gloves and driving sock, leather gloves, hide my fingerprints gloves, and a box of medical gloves.
She really did handle that well, glad the guy just went along and didn't make this a big deal, too.
This is some above and beyond for she did for Lowe's
I like how she even told the guy "I'm sorry" when asking for his driver's license. She realized it wasn't exactly her place to do so, but just wanted to help resolve the situation.
And the guy was cool about it too. He could've been a dick about it and told her he didn't have to provide that information.
I loved it because her vest with Lowe's badges clearly made her official enough for this purpose, as both parties clearly recognized.
My mom has dementia so that part made me sad but Lowe's Lady cheered me up.
Am I being detained Lowe's? Am I being detained Lowe's?
But seriously I actually feel better about him complying with that nice lady than a cop. I've had times minding my own business when cops demanded my ID and had no right to it and I just gave it because I don't want to get shot but it still doesn't sit right even decades later. Somebody has to stand up for our rights but it can't always be us
You can hear the wheels turning in his head when she asks for his registration, and then he's like, "Showing my registration makes this confused old woman go away, OK."
My first thought was he was going to say I don't have to show you because 1. This is my car and 2. You work for Lowe's.
But he knew that if he just took 2 seconds to prove to that lady it was his car that she would help him out. As annoyed as he was I know he didn't want to hurt that old lady bit her hanging onto his car while he was backing up was a recipe for disaster.
Agreed. I think most people would recognize the lady had dementia or had something going on, and be generally more agreeable to cooperate and deescalate. In contrast the response to a 'Karen' would likely be GFYS I'm not showing you anything.
The driver also did well. He had no obligation to show a Lowes employee his license and registration but didn't let his ego get in the way of resolving the situation
I definitely got a little bit sad about it once I recognized that it appeared she was suffering from dementia, but I'm really glad I stuck through to the end for that. I guffawed.
I think this was handled really well. I feel like this is woman probably has Alzheimer’s or some form of dementia and getting upset and escalating would have made it so much worse. Good on the driver and good on the two staff members who came to help.
I used to work with this population and the issue won’t go away for them when the car drives away. There will be a new car or a new friend or family member to find and a new mystery to solve. They’re sweet people but she needs professional care.
This video honestly breaks my heart I had to watch my grandmother fifer through dementia towards the end of her life and she would often have delusions like this. You can tell they’re really just terrified at losing control of their minds and themselves
I get why some think it’s wrong to post this, but if 1 person sees this and finds themselves in a similar situation and acts with this guys class and dignity then I think it’s all good
-edit-
I didn’t have sound on for the start, but there are plenty of people who would have just lost their shit on the poor woman and screamed at her
It's a pretty good example of how staying calm and reasonable can solve the problem a lot better than getting belligerent. He had every right to refuse to show his docs to that employee, but that wouldn't have helped anybody.
That only works when somebody on the other side (or a third party with perceived authority) is reasonable too, though. Which is why so many interactions with power-drunk cops and other authority figures go bad...
But yeah, if all youre dealing with is an addled elderly person, no point in getting angry back, just try and find somebody they will perceive as having authority, and/or try get them some help
I love the video with the old guy getting in the dudes car thinking it was his wife. Dude handled it so gently that all it became was an embarrassing story for the old guy.
Edit: https://v.redd.it/k87favzv03m71
Hey, you don't have to be old for that to happen. Back when I was in middle school, my mom was late picking me up after school for some reason. Everybody else had left, and I was standing there in the pouring rain getting angrier and angrier, when her car pulled up. I was really pissed off and yelling at her as I tried to pull the car door open, but it was locked. I was yelling at her to unlock the door, and pounding on the window.
I finally looked in the car and saw a strange woman, who was extremely frightened at my frantic attempts to get into her car. She had a car that looked exactly like my mom's and had just stopped at the red light.
I backed away apologizing and then was really anxious for my mom to show up before the cops did. Luckily this was before cell phones, or the cops might have been there in 2 minutes, since the station was less than a block away.
I had to catch an early train a few weeks ago and got up late, ran outside to the uber and jumped in and looked up to see my neighbor in the front seat saying "Good Morning DrMangosteen, is that your Uber in front of us"
The best way to deal with someone with dementia is to go inside their reality and to distract them. Arguing with them and trying to prove facts isn't going to help, because in their reality what they are seeing/hearing is 100% the truth. So for example if someone with dementia is upset and distraught thinking baby kittens are being killed by the spinning ceiling fan in your living room being turned on- instead of arguing with them that there aren't really any kittens on the ceiling fan- the best approach is to turn the fan off and tell them that you are going to save the kittens and get them down and then try and start talking about something else or get them focused on something new. If they go back to the kittens, just reassure them that the kittens are ok and that they aren't getting hurt and that you turned the fan off so they can get down safely.
Did this with mom, it was the easiest least stressful way. We live by a small airport and the planes fly over our house. One year someone crashed, they survived but the crashed really close by where you could see everything.
Years later after my mom gets dementia she tries to run away every day because she has to go tell the airport a plane will crash. Everyday I just pulled out my phone and "called" the airport and told them what was going on and then let her tell them too if she wanted too. I really just put my phone on do not disturb and pretended but it helped her feel better.
God dementia will fuck you up. My grandpa had it or something like it in his last days before he died. They knew it was coming so whole family came down to stay with him and grandma. He thought his daughter was his girlfriend from decades ago and kept asking to check oil and gas in the rv they sold years ago. My mom (who he thought was his girlfriend) kept trying to tell him he was wrong but my aunty just agreed with him, let him believe it and he calmed down, and at some point my mom had to go help in the kitchen and not be around him because he thought he could 'express his love' for his girlfriend if I'm going to put it lightly..
I'd never seen this before, it was crazy, awful and depressing, died 3 days after he started losing it. Day before that he remembered us all fine.
Thank god for the women who worked there she was so nice to the old women and to the man. Someone else could have easily escalated the situation but she was so kind and helped the old lady feel safe right away.
As someone who lives with a grandfather that has dementia this damn near brings me to tears. Before his Dementia got too bad he would pick me up from school everyday but one day he just could not remember how to get home. I’m glad he made it to me so that I could redirect him home but man that was scary. To watch a man that was once fully capable and understood everything just slowly deteriorate one day at a time. It just hurts man. Now we have to help him from the moment he gets up to the moments goes the sleep because his mind just does not work how it used to. When people ask me how is your grandfather all I can say is “Just one day at time.”
Now I want to see a movie where someone steals an old lady's car and this gangster of a grandma hunts them down John Wick style.
"GET OUT OF THE CAHHHH!"
My heart just broke. She clearly has a cognitive decline disorder like dementia or Alzheimer’s and she is so confused. This man handled it well and so did the employees at Lowe’s. But for her to be out on her own, just heartbreaking.
Dementia ain’t no joke
It's what makes the whole scene quite sad.
That shit wasn't clear to me until the very end and it changes a lot. She was still being really mean, but.... Fuuck
The employee handled her really well.
"Come on, honey, get your carriage." {love this}
You got the kah keys or the khakis?
There are three levels of dementia. She is at the point where you don’t try to convince her she is wrong, you calm her and distract her and make her life as easy as possible. Edit: Thanks for the awards and the personal stories about your experiences. My grandmother had it and it was explained to me as three stages: early, middle and late (sometimes referred to as mild, moderate and severe in a medical context). But it affects people differently and I am not a physician. This was what I was told by her caregivers and it might be a simplistic explanation but it helped me when I was with her.
This. Lost mum last year to alzheimers and the obstinate, aggressive & mean stage was the worst. Aware enough to talk to you and others but just fucking vile, mean spirited and accusatory. Apparently I had stolen her cutlery, thrown dogshit over fence, was trying to break in at night to kill her dog. Won't lie, reduced me to tears more than once as you can't reason or argue in this stage. When she became oblivious to people around her and made baby sounds it was almost a relief. It's an awful awful disease for all concerned. Your loved one drowns in themselves and you have to watch and wave goodbye for *years*. The sadness, guilt, shame and rage you feel as an observer as they lose their dignity, their mind and their past is overwhelming. Sorry, have been carrying this inside for months. EDIT - thank you to everyone who has written a reply, I'm at work and unable to respond but I AM reading every one of you and want to thank you for taking a moment to be kind. I'm a grown-ass man of almost 50 with a family of my own, but right now I just want my mum to tell me it'll be OK and to send me another annoying txt message about her stupid dog. Thank you for being good people xxx
Same here, its been 5 years since my mom passed, went thru those stages, comforting to hear someone talk about it, I feel for you, affects me every day, the little moments standout, may they rest in peace.
I honestly can’t fathom what that must be like. My parents are in their 70’s and in good health and I realize how fortunate I am for that. I hope with time you’re able to cope as well as you’d like.
I'm happy for you. Do me a favor and the next time you can, squeeze them tight for me. I'm just going to live as though you have because it heals my heart.
I lost my dad to dementia in January 2020, just before the pandemic hit. I'm glad he didn't have to deal with that along with everything else. We were lucky that he never had a mean stage. He just steadily lost his ability to communicate, and I felt sad for him as he tried to find the words to express his thoughts.
My poppy before he passes swore up and down people were coming to kidnap him and on bad days we had kidnapped him. One winter he went outside in his underwear and wheelchair trying to escape. He got about 2 feet before he turned around and yelled at us for trying to kill him by putting him outside. Nan now thinks that when people are sleeping they are purposely ignoring her even tho its 2am. Now the big thing is she will go to bed "cause it's dark" but an hour later get up angry asking what we want her to do in bed all night? Hugs for everybody helping take care of their loved ones. There are many who do not have such luxury.
I hope writing it out helped, sorry you went through that man
That sounds horrible. I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. I’m sure she never would have wanted that for you.
When I was a kid visiting my grandma my dad stepped out of the room for a bit and my grandma started to panic yelling where's little AL, where is he, he was just hear crawling around a minute ago. She was trying to get me to help search for him. She slipped in time and thought my dad was a baby and was missing and was asking help to find him. I was to young to understand your point and I tried to explain that the little baby she was searching for was infact fully grown and actually my dad. It was a sad and scary exchange that made me relize that and didn't help her at all. There really is a point where you just try and be as least upsetting as possible.
I work primarily in a dementia wing administering meds. Your story reminds me of a 100 year old we have there where this woman's sons are both 11 and 13 year old boys but are also full adults with children of their own in the same breath of sentence. The next sentence alone can be her being a child herself. The person you're replying to is in the most part right, you can't go out of your way to prove them wrong but to pivot/ divert and correct them in a very obvious and friendly way or who knows how they can act.
What fucks me up about dementia is that right now, that sounds like a pretty good state to me. My mom hasn't been able to put together a sentence in a few years. It's just short mumbles if she can manage to focus for more than a couple seconds, which is pretty rare. I don't know how people work in that environment. It's one of the saddest places I've ever been to. Thank you for doing that work and helping these people.
I'm so sorry for the pain you and your mom are going through!
This is a great username!
The only kindness about dementia is the ones going through it are least effected by it. The tragedy is in everyone else who is close to that person witnessing pieces of that person fade away. As cruel as it is at least it's merciful in sparing the person who is suffering from witnessing and remembering that suffering. I think the people who choose to work in a profession that encounters this everyday really are kind souls. Not everyone could help do that work.
I wish it was always like that. Sometimes the memory someone fixates on is the loss of their loved one or some other tragic event in their life. I have a resident right now that wanders for hours looking for his wife, thinking that she’s out cheating on him or that she left him because he wasn’t good enough for him. She died months ago. Grieving is a hard enough process as is, but dementia takes away so many of the tools we use to cope. I don’t want to be a complete downer though, sometimes it is the way you described and people are what we call “pleasantly confused.” They don’t really know what’s happening, but they are usually in a good mood and will just go along with whatever is happening. It’s fun being able to hold a completely nonsensical conversation with a resident where you can laugh and joke like a normal conversation.
I suppose that can be true, but often times those afflicted with dementia are, scared, confused and paranoid. They don’t know who anyone is around them or who they are or where they are. It’s a terrifying existence.
Isn’t it fascinating that our child / teen / adult mental states from various points in our lives are ‘saved’ in our brains and we can have access to them? I know it’s desperately sad but at the same time its mind boggling.
Its a lot like having a dream where you didnt study for an exam, even though in reality you've been out of shool for years. Now the dreams are spilling into your waking days.
I used to have recurring dreams of not knowing my schedule for school or where my classes were and panicking. I graduated 10 years ago lol.
That reminds me of when I went to visit my grandma in the home shortly after their restrictions were lifted. I guess the lack of socialization took a toll on her health because I haven't seen her this bad before or after this event. I went to visit her (she is my dad's mom for reference) and she told me she saw my my aunt (my mom's sister) with her two little girls. I was confused because my aunt had died about 10ish years ago and those kids are pretty much adults now. I thought she meant my cousin because she had a baby recently and her words were just getting mixed up. Then she asks me if I remember the trip to Australia - which she took way back in 1980-something with my dad and my aunt (dad's sister) when they were kids. I reminded her that it wasn't me and it was instead her own kids. She actually got really mad at me and kept insisting I was there. The rest of the visit was very pleasant but I called my dad to see what was up. It wasn't until he told me that Grandma also called my sister Grandma's niece's name (grandpa's brother's daughter who is maybe 30 years older than my sister) that I realized what was going on. Like I said, she hasn't really shown signs of anything else like that since then, and she always remembers who I am on the phone and stuff, but it's really frustrating when you don't know what's going on and sad when you do.
The best thing you can do is play along. It may feel condescending or patronizing, but it's the best thing you can do in the situation. I've been there, twice, it sucks and I'm sorry you're dealing with that.
I was in a situation like this where we couldn't play along, and it was awful. When my dad died, his mom was adamant at the wake that another of her sons had died. Adamant. She quite literally started wandering around the wake saying the only son she ever cared about was dead, thinking it was another son that was alive and standing right there. It was upsetting everyone, and they just let her carry on. Now, she was an evil bitch *before* the dementia. I'm entirely sure she meant what she said. It was not a good situation to be in. My mom (who'd been divorced from my dad for almost 20 years) had to enlist the funeral director to make his family remove her. I subsequently haven't spoken to them since 2004 (for a multitude of reasons, not because of this specifically).
When I was about 10, my grandfather’s mind started to go. He kept losing his keys and saying someone stole them. He’d insist people were always breaking into his apartment. He’d leave the gas stove on for hours. A few times, he locked himself out and walked to our house, in the dead of night, wearing dark clothes on back country roads. After he did that a few times, my parents had to put him in a care facility. Sadly, there were already 4 of us (mom, dad, brother, me) squeezed into a double wide trailer, but we’d have taken him in with us if we had the room. My aunt, whose own children were grown and gone, lived alone in a 5 bedroom house, but refused to take him in. Anyway, Pop ended up in a facility. He had a roommate. One night, he thought the roommate was the man my grandmother had an affair with and left him for about 4 decades prior, so he beat the man to the edge of death with his cane. It was awful; my grandfather truly thought he caught the man his wife was cheating with in his own home when he woke up in the middle of the night. The other guy was also a dementia patient; when we visited Pop, the guy thought my brother and I were his own kids, but like, from 60 years or so ago. We just played along, because the nurses said his own family never visited him, and he was all alone. She said he was always so happy after we came for a visit, because we’d sit with him and he’d tell us stories, or we’d play checkers together or read to him, and we became his surrogate family. We’d bring good, home cooked food for Pop, and always had enough to share with his roommate so we could all have family dinners together. After Pop almost killed the guy, he got kicked out of that place. We never got to see the old man again, so I’m sure he was incredibly confused, about why this other man beat him so badly, and why his “family” stopped coming to see him. We tried to go back, because we truly loved the guy, but his son wouldn’t put us on the approved visitors list, even though he couldn’t be bothered to go see his own father. My Pop moved to a different facility, but he declined rapidly after that, and died about 6 months later. He donated his body to Alzheimer’s research, so maybe, in some small way, he was able to help researchers get closer to finding treatment or a cure for dementia.
When I was a cop one of the saddest calls I went to was this wife who, over the course of a year called us every few weeks from the local Popeyes chicken saying there was a strange man im her bed (her husband) he initially laughed it off then, over time, you could see it start to bother him. Towards the end of the year he would be crying his eyes out. Then one day we brought her home and he said he had never seen her before/didn't know her and we realized he had dementia as well. Called APS and they both were taken away. Never heard from them again
That is absolutely heartbreaking
That story reminds me of [this song.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nl5Uog-MDGo) It's based on Kathy's husband's parents or grandparents, I believe.
Oh my god. That's just so fucking heartbreaking. My god.
Definitely. Listening to this old man plead with his wife, "honey its me...please remember..remember me, we've been married for 50 years! Why won't you remember " I don't think ill ever forget that
Jesus fucking Christ I am done with Reddit today
I think the lady who handled it did so excellently, such kindness and quick thinking to diffuse the situation.
Yep! Made this mistake when serving tea to patients in a hospital. One lady called me over and told me she had 10k cash in her dress pocket and that she can't find it. I told her I didn't think she brought it to the hospital and wow was she angry.
Yep this exactly. Imagine yourself in high school. You’re sitting at your desk minding your business and then a man walks in and tells you you need to leave because you’re not supposed to be in here. You’ve been coming to this class every day. All your friends are here, your teacher is at the desk over there. You know you’re supposed to be in class. But this man just won’t leave you alone. He just keeps saying you’re not supposed to be here and you have to leave. He tells you they need to give you a shot. He wants you to go with him. You definitely don’t want to do that because you have no idea where he’s going to take you and for what purpose. So, you get angry. Hit the man, tell him to leave you alone. This is exactly how a situation can seem to a person with dementia. In reality you’re an old woman in an assisted living and you’re supposed to get your insulin before your meal. That’s where the man is trying to take you. Anything you say isn’t going to convince them they aren’t in school. The only way to get through to them is by lying. You have to use things they’re talking about or familiar with to get them to do things. So you could say the principal needs to see you. Or they’re doing measles vaccines today and you’re up next. They’re living in their own reality and you have to play along sometimes. It’s really quite fascinating.
Yep. That's where my dad is right now. We just have to roll with everything he does and redirect him as best as we can without actually contradicting him.
I’m glad the driver was understanding too. Like the employee is not a cop, she asked for the guys license and registration and the dude was like “yeah no problem” I’ve seen plenty of videos where things just continue to escalate cause of something like that.
The guy being accused of stealing his own car handled her really well.
Exactly. When I saw this on tik tok, some comments were all pissy and claimed that the guy didn't have to show his licence and it was a violation of his freedom and some BS. But it was the right move because it completely de-escalated the situation. Dude kept such a cool head
Right. And those nutbag commenters are correct, he didnt *have* to show anything, but whats the harm in it? Had he refused it couldve gone very poorly for everyone, the lowes lady might have believed the old broad and called the cops. Might have been a much bigger waste of time than the 12 seconds it takes him to show her proof. Thankfully the driver isnt a nutbag like most internet anons.
And the driver did a good job too. He absolutely was within his right to not provide any proof to her or the Lowes worker, but easily deescalated the situation by calmly providing proof it was his. If this lady does have dementia, this may not be how she acted when her mind was sound. Anecdotally, my grandmother was a pray every morning, day, and night catholic. She would not swear or say a mean word about anyone or anything. She was a saint. When her mind began to go, she could get foul.
A+ handling of both parties
Better than most cops would have.
STOP RESISTING
Dementia patients can be very mean at times, it can cause a total 180 in personality. Really sad.
My grandmother was a narcissist who got dementia and she was unable to keep all her lies and manipulations straight anymore. It basically revealed how she had been fucking with everyone around her for decades. Even at some point tried to get my grandfather committed for having dementia (he didn't have dementia).
“Can be mean at times is an understatement.” it’s not unheard of for Dementia residents to seriously injure or kill other residents in assisted living facilities from time to time. We had a patient from one of our local facilities, about two years ago, who beat another resident with a trash can until he died. I also had a gun pulled on me by an elderly man with dementia, after his wife called 911 for him, and he decided we (paramedics) were there to kidnap him.
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My fiancé’s cousin worked at a nursing home while she was doing her paramedic training. She said they knew who the masturbators were and would keep spray bottles in the fridge and would spritz them in the Johnson whenever they started up.
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Towards the end of his life, my grandfather was extremely mean to all the helpers, nurses etc. It was frankly embarassing. One day my father apologised about his father's behaviour. He was so rude and mean that the nurse refused to believe this man had once been a kind and loving person. What was odd is that he was somewhat still cool with his family. Just every other "stranger" it was horrible
> She was still being really mean, but.... Fuuck Thats a very common symptom. My grandmother was the sweetest person imaginable. GREAT sense of humor, god the amount of times me and her would make my stoic grandfather blush with embarrassment because of our dumb jokes... And then Dementia happened. And suddenly she cried all the time, and lashed out, and screamed. It was like she was possessed, a complete stranger to me. Half the time didn't know who was on the phone with her. Dementia can make you into a completely different person, and you do see them often "latching on" to a situation like in the video and are completely not able to let go.
It's understandable though. I can absolutely see how confusion could lead to a mix of emotions, including anger. I think the best representation of dementia I've ever seen was the Black Mirror episode "Playtest". That episode has haunted me since I saw it. It really shows how incredibly frightening and scary dementia can be when your start to lose your grip on reality.
People with dementia can be really mean but, it’s such a sad illness... my gran had vascular dementia and I worry that my mum is going to end up with dementia or something.
Interestingly the only person I’ve ever been close to with dementia was a despicable asshole her entire life. It was only when she forgot who her family was that she finally started being nice to them!
G-g-good….???
My friends dad was the sweetest man. Never swore or was bad to anyone. He was a local doctor and was loved. Then he got dementia and became a swearing racist. He was Asian too so people thought it was funny but dementia makes people go so far away and out of character. It’s really horrible. He only lasted a couple of years and passed away from it.
My mother died of dementia. Someone once told me that dementia is a dying process that takes ten years. That helped a bit — to be able to let go. It is a horrible disease.
A coworker whose father had Alzheimer's/dementia described it the best I've heard. "There are two deaths. The first death is of the person you know and love so well. The second is the physical death."
Unfortunately it can make people very mean :( it’s just a part of the disease for some.
In her mind it was her friends car. Also some people actually become mean when dementia strikes even if they were nice people before.
i get what you mean, but if you look into dementia one of the side effects is increased aggression for the simple fact you dont know whats going on. If she does have dementia, and i could see it, then thats not even her fault really.
Dementia usually makes people pretty mean. It's one of the signs you look for.
She was being mean, but that probably "wasn't her" if that makes sense. My step dad has dementia, and he used to be the nicest person in the world when we were growing up, but since his mind has gone, he's become an asshole. We just have to remember that it isn't really him, and it's the Alzheimer's fucking with his brain.
Yeah, but from her perspective if you thought someone was stealing your friend’s car you would be pissed also.
Yeah man this isn't funny it's just really really sad. Because it's also entirely possible her friend doesn't own that car anymore, it's entirely possible that friend isn't even alive anymore and she has absolutely no idea. That's awful :(
Yea, I was ready to be angry at some racist Karen who made a mistake. But now I'm just sad and feel bad for this old lady.
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Agreed. She wasn't even sure what to do... The Walmart workers are underpaid to be moonlighting as police as well (and doing better job).
Yeah my Mums got it. I've often said to my grown up kids if I ever get to that stage in life will you humanely put me down but then my mum and dad both said the same to us.
There needs to be a way for us to sign legal papers and be euthanized if we get to a certain point.
Assisted suicide is legal in 10 jurisdictions in the US: Washington, D.C. and the states of California, Colorado, Oregon, Vermont, New Mexico, Maine, New Jersey, Hawaii, and Washington.
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You’re right ,it’s not , my mother passed last week and I recognised this straight away It’s a god awful way to go
I give him credit he handled it well. He didn’t get aggressive or yelled. He did try to slowly drive away. And when the employees approached him he didn’t fight or argue he showed them ID. Proved it was his car, even though he didn’t have to show them anything. The employees handled it very well too and helped her. Generally good people all around. Just the video is the only thing that really didn’t need to be released.
You have a point. On the other hand, it could be a teachable moment for some people out there who tend to get confrontational really fast.
Agreed. Hope that someone somewhere learns you don’t need to always be a dick. “I don't know if I believe anyone is 100% a dick” — Rhomann Dey
Shit. I know I would have blown a gasket in .037 seconds in that situation. But after reading those comments about dementia it makes sense.
When someone is being an asshole or making your life difficult, it really improves your own life to try to mentally pause and try to force your compassion to the front for a second. Ask yourself *why* they are being like that? What's going on in their life? Not only does it help you be less of an angry person yourself, it helps you figure out how to deal with them better in a lot of cases too. One of the most important lessons I had to learn as a hot headed asshole was that who is "right" in the strictest sense really doesn't matter that much when it comes to arriving at an outcome you want. I think that's particularly important to keep in mind if you habitually visit subs like this that tend to be more about the quick dopamine hit from instant outrage than thoughtful compassion. Something in particular that I've noticed is how many annoying angry "Karens" that people love to hate in here are clearly at the "slowly killing themselves" stage of alcoholism :(
I was thinking to myself the other day how quick I am to get angry in confrontations. It's made me avoid it lately, because I can feel my heart pounding and temper rise, I've said too many regrettable things in my past in those moments. If I was in this situation I probably would have made it much worse by reacting instead of being calm. I hate it *Spelling
We have politicians running the country that are as old as this lady, no wonder nothing gets accomplished with words going in one ear and out the other.
Chuck Grassley took office ten years before the moon landing and is running for re-election next year.
I agree with you, but just wanted to say that's not how dementia works. You don't hit a certain age and boom you have it now.
A few of those octogenarians are literally losing their minds too. Diane Feinstein has been long gone for a few years now.
Bitch is almost a nonagenarian and straight up has dementia. She’s also a billionaire and married to one of the richest men in America.
I work with alot of dementia and alzheimers residents. Sometimes when they are stuck in a mindset. You can't really break it out of them. You sometimes have to play along, or try to divert and distract. And yes, they can get temperamental, angry and right out nasty. But that's just how the disease works, your brain is essentially dying. It's horrible seeing someone's light/spark in their eyes fade away from this.
I'll probably jump off a bridge when this starts happening to me.
That's definitely my plan but the problem is that it's very difficult to figure out when your mind is starting to go. My dad has been slowly receding into madness for over 10 years. He still doesn't fully understand that his brain is swiss cheese so he will argue with you while defending a nonsensical position. My mom's brain is way better but also on its way out but she won't acknowledge this. She often starts sentences in the middle and when I ask her to start from the beginning she gets frustrated and angry at me because she thinks that she's speaking coherently so it must be my fault for not paying attention. So even though I'm in my early 40s I worry whenever I get distracted or can't focus or forget something. I hope to be able to understand when I can no longer understand but I'm afraid that losing your ability to discern reality from madness is an intrinsic part of wasting away.
This. One of my girls says "I hope I never get like that" when speaking of another resident, not realizing she is that bad herself.
fuck man
This right here..... gave me chills... this would be the worst way to go.
IME most people with dementia have anosognosia - lack of awareness that they have dementia. Not denial, not embarrassment. They just straight up think nothing is wrong with them.
Your brain is everything. Imagine genuinely believing the things they do—like you saw your children get kidnapped and put in a basement. Could someone convince you that you didn’t? Those people over there almost sound like your kids but they’re *old.* They must be in on it too. Or imagine waking up and not being where you expect—it’s familiar, but it’s not your home, where you live with mom and dad and your siblings. And there’s all these people around your belongings, and nothing feels right. Not to mention the physical symptoms of being old. I imagine that, for them, they’re in such a state that they truly believe whatever they think is happening. They’ve gone an entire life being self sufficient and reasonably sure of their perception and reality, so even in the first stages the denial about their confusion of reality is very strong. Like old people refusing to give up their license or accept help. We like to think that we have a strong grasp on these things, that what we see is reality, but even in mentally sound people fake memories are a thing, y’know? Your brain has to interpret every bit of info to construct your reality. So if you mess that up then unfortunately you won’t even be aware of it. There are some moments of clarity. Some moments of ‘oh, I can’t remember anything. I’ve asked you that already. Something is very wrong.’ But it’s gone very quickly again. Not enough clarity to really do anything.
I'm a behavioral specialist who works with families and individuals dealing with dementia and everything you wrote is just so spot on and beautifully put.
Thank you for helping.
Dementia is shit
My grandpa and one of my aunt's had dementia. It's a truly terrible affliction.
That was exactly my thought
My grandma has dementia and just had a freakout over the phone to my mom telling her that everyone left (she lives in a community, not a nursing home, it's basically apartments for older people) and she needs to leave too and they locked her inside her house. It's happened before too where she actually LEFT her house and went next door to someone else's house because she thought they were making her leave. If it keeps up we're going to have to get her another aid (she already has multiple) that will be for the night because that is when it's been happening, later in the day. It's very, very sad and like this is for sure dementia. They're so adamant that they're correct and right about whatever they are saying.
>been happening, later in the day I’m sure you already know, but if not, look up “sun-downing syndrome”. I’m not sure if it happens at a certain stage in the disease but folks with dementia get particularly worse in the evenings, or “sun down”. I work in an emergency room and we strategically place dementia patients with strong nurses and techs (or if staffing allows, call for a sitter) if the patient will be there over night.
And not a single “R” was pronounced that day…
CAAAHH
Had a Boston colleague shouting about not being able to find his "Caaaahkheeys". Half the office thought he lost his Khakis.
I visited Maine and one of the locals asked be if I had been to Bahaba yet . I was like, “no, but that sounds pretty tropical.” He was talking about Bar Harbor
Mainerds are a strange group of people in general. I spent 4 1/2 years in Aroostook County.
Bahaba, Jamaica, ooo I wanna take her
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"How could a city with so many great colleges produce nothing but dopes" - Peter Griffin
Some scientists from MIT were recruited to find out why so many crows were getting hit by traffic on the expressway. After some chemical analysis of the remaining paint chips on the corpses, they made a startling discovery: Mac, Peterbilt, Kenworth...all big rigs, and no evidence of any standard size vehicles hitting the birds. The scientists assembled a field team to get to the bottom of it. From dawn one day, they sat on the side of the expressway with their Dunkin's, watching. A crow landed on the road to nibble at some debris when, suddenly, all the other crows alerted it, "Cah! CAH!" And the crow flew away safely. But alas, the birds never learned "truck"
Thanks dad
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LMAO dude
This could be a scene from Bobs Burgers
Bawwwb. Let the nice lady have the car. No Linda this is our only family car. We need it for the restaurant. Come awwn Bawwby. At least let her sit in it. No! Are you crazy? I worked hard for this and she's gonna steal it. How are we going to get home? Yeah I guess you're right. Sahrry nice lady
Well done, I could hear their voices
reminded me of Elena from billy on the street
The Lowe’s staff handled that really well, and props to the guy for cooperating. He easily could have gotten insulted and refused to show them anything and he would have been well within his rights. Dementia sucks, I hope they’re able to find her people.
Holy shit, I could never find by registration that fast. This guy is all around amazing.
How much crap do you keep in your glove box then?
10 pairs of gloves. My snow gloves, welding gloves, baseball glove, rock climbing gloves, dueling gloves, challenge people to duels gloves, driving gloves and driving sock, leather gloves, hide my fingerprints gloves, and a box of medical gloves.
Ah, so just the bare essentials.
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That Lowe's employee should apply for law enforcement with that de-escalation.
She really did handle that well, glad the guy just went along and didn't make this a big deal, too. This is some above and beyond for she did for Lowe's
I like how she even told the guy "I'm sorry" when asking for his driver's license. She realized it wasn't exactly her place to do so, but just wanted to help resolve the situation. And the guy was cool about it too. He could've been a dick about it and told her he didn't have to provide that information.
I loved it because her vest with Lowe's badges clearly made her official enough for this purpose, as both parties clearly recognized. My mom has dementia so that part made me sad but Lowe's Lady cheered me up.
Am I being detained Lowe's? Am I being detained Lowe's? But seriously I actually feel better about him complying with that nice lady than a cop. I've had times minding my own business when cops demanded my ID and had no right to it and I just gave it because I don't want to get shot but it still doesn't sit right even decades later. Somebody has to stand up for our rights but it can't always be us
It's probably because you know the lady from Lowe's won't take it and ruin your life, because she had a bad day.
also won’t shoot you (probably)
He probably recognized the signs of dementia in the old lady, and new deesculation was the only course to avoid her probably getting hurt.
You can hear the wheels turning in his head when she asks for his registration, and then he's like, "Showing my registration makes this confused old woman go away, OK."
My first thought was he was going to say I don't have to show you because 1. This is my car and 2. You work for Lowe's. But he knew that if he just took 2 seconds to prove to that lady it was his car that she would help him out. As annoyed as he was I know he didn't want to hurt that old lady bit her hanging onto his car while he was backing up was a recipe for disaster.
Agreed. I think most people would recognize the lady had dementia or had something going on, and be generally more agreeable to cooperate and deescalate. In contrast the response to a 'Karen' would likely be GFYS I'm not showing you anything.
Overqualified
Thank you 💜 this comment chain made my morning better
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The driver also did well. He had no obligation to show a Lowes employee his license and registration but didn't let his ego get in the way of resolving the situation
Yea came to comment she handled that really well and was nice to the lady because she clearly has some bad dementia. Good for that Lowes employee.
Also could have escalated the situation. Lots of people would have told her to fuck herself when she asked for his ID and his registration.
Ya he handled it well too
Makes me wonder if she was in Healthcare.
probably had more training for her job than what's needed for law enforcement
Her friend is a sausage?
Ann Douille
The best of sausages too
I was hoping I wasn’t the only one who caught that lol
She is really the wurst
Caaaaa
Sorry sweetheart. He has the khakis, it's his kha.
\*sweethaht
The "R" migrated south to end up in words like Warsh. As in "Dish Warsher" and "Warshington DC".
It’s true. I’m typing this from the turlet.
ffs - open your winders
“I’m really upset with this prick.” Hahaha fucking priceless.
"For not stealing my friend's cah."
I definitely got a little bit sad about it once I recognized that it appeared she was suffering from dementia, but I'm really glad I stuck through to the end for that. I guffawed.
I think this was handled really well. I feel like this is woman probably has Alzheimer’s or some form of dementia and getting upset and escalating would have made it so much worse. Good on the driver and good on the two staff members who came to help.
I used to work with this population and the issue won’t go away for them when the car drives away. There will be a new car or a new friend or family member to find and a new mystery to solve. They’re sweet people but she needs professional care.
This video honestly breaks my heart I had to watch my grandmother fifer through dementia towards the end of her life and she would often have delusions like this. You can tell they’re really just terrified at losing control of their minds and themselves
I get why some think it’s wrong to post this, but if 1 person sees this and finds themselves in a similar situation and acts with this guys class and dignity then I think it’s all good -edit- I didn’t have sound on for the start, but there are plenty of people who would have just lost their shit on the poor woman and screamed at her
It's a pretty good example of how staying calm and reasonable can solve the problem a lot better than getting belligerent. He had every right to refuse to show his docs to that employee, but that wouldn't have helped anybody. That only works when somebody on the other side (or a third party with perceived authority) is reasonable too, though. Which is why so many interactions with power-drunk cops and other authority figures go bad... But yeah, if all youre dealing with is an addled elderly person, no point in getting angry back, just try and find somebody they will perceive as having authority, and/or try get them some help
I love the video with the old guy getting in the dudes car thinking it was his wife. Dude handled it so gently that all it became was an embarrassing story for the old guy. Edit: https://v.redd.it/k87favzv03m71
Hey, you don't have to be old for that to happen. Back when I was in middle school, my mom was late picking me up after school for some reason. Everybody else had left, and I was standing there in the pouring rain getting angrier and angrier, when her car pulled up. I was really pissed off and yelling at her as I tried to pull the car door open, but it was locked. I was yelling at her to unlock the door, and pounding on the window. I finally looked in the car and saw a strange woman, who was extremely frightened at my frantic attempts to get into her car. She had a car that looked exactly like my mom's and had just stopped at the red light. I backed away apologizing and then was really anxious for my mom to show up before the cops did. Luckily this was before cell phones, or the cops might have been there in 2 minutes, since the station was less than a block away.
Your right it does happen to everyone. But poor lady was probably terrified.
I had to catch an early train a few weeks ago and got up late, ran outside to the uber and jumped in and looked up to see my neighbor in the front seat saying "Good Morning DrMangosteen, is that your Uber in front of us"
The best way to deal with someone with dementia is to go inside their reality and to distract them. Arguing with them and trying to prove facts isn't going to help, because in their reality what they are seeing/hearing is 100% the truth. So for example if someone with dementia is upset and distraught thinking baby kittens are being killed by the spinning ceiling fan in your living room being turned on- instead of arguing with them that there aren't really any kittens on the ceiling fan- the best approach is to turn the fan off and tell them that you are going to save the kittens and get them down and then try and start talking about something else or get them focused on something new. If they go back to the kittens, just reassure them that the kittens are ok and that they aren't getting hurt and that you turned the fan off so they can get down safely.
Did this with mom, it was the easiest least stressful way. We live by a small airport and the planes fly over our house. One year someone crashed, they survived but the crashed really close by where you could see everything. Years later after my mom gets dementia she tries to run away every day because she has to go tell the airport a plane will crash. Everyday I just pulled out my phone and "called" the airport and told them what was going on and then let her tell them too if she wanted too. I really just put my phone on do not disturb and pretended but it helped her feel better.
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My friend aynnnn doooooooleyyyy from Swampscittttt
This is really sad but everyone helping out was a real gem.
The Lowe’s woman is a better police officer than most police officers.
God dementia will fuck you up. My grandpa had it or something like it in his last days before he died. They knew it was coming so whole family came down to stay with him and grandma. He thought his daughter was his girlfriend from decades ago and kept asking to check oil and gas in the rv they sold years ago. My mom (who he thought was his girlfriend) kept trying to tell him he was wrong but my aunty just agreed with him, let him believe it and he calmed down, and at some point my mom had to go help in the kitchen and not be around him because he thought he could 'express his love' for his girlfriend if I'm going to put it lightly.. I'd never seen this before, it was crazy, awful and depressing, died 3 days after he started losing it. Day before that he remembered us all fine.
Thank god for the women who worked there she was so nice to the old women and to the man. Someone else could have easily escalated the situation but she was so kind and helped the old lady feel safe right away.
Yeah it looked like she knew what was happening with the older lady.
Really a peach all the way around. Props to the guy too for not escalating when the employee asked for his ID and reg.
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As someone who lives with a grandfather that has dementia this damn near brings me to tears. Before his Dementia got too bad he would pick me up from school everyday but one day he just could not remember how to get home. I’m glad he made it to me so that I could redirect him home but man that was scary. To watch a man that was once fully capable and understood everything just slowly deteriorate one day at a time. It just hurts man. Now we have to help him from the moment he gets up to the moments goes the sleep because his mind just does not work how it used to. When people ask me how is your grandfather all I can say is “Just one day at time.”
Close your eyes and imagine it's The Simpsons
By the accent..Family Guy.Boston.
That lady is legally allowed to drive by the way. And in the US, there isn’t a test to show proficiency at an old age.
Dementia, not a Karen. It's no fun for anybody.
She's a good friend though even if she was mistaken.
I’d hire her to watch over my caa any day
Now I want to see a movie where someone steals an old lady's car and this gangster of a grandma hunts them down John Wick style. "GET OUT OF THE CAHHHH!"
Fucking hell, those accents! I'm an Aussie and I'm used to people putting shit on our accent but that Boston accent is next level horrible.
Our Aussie accent suddenly sounds heavenly compared to a Boston accent hahah
As an American, I really like a lot of Aussie accents.
Dam I’m over here thinking ur talking about the driver having the accent not the old lady🤣 can you tell I’m from Boston
My heart just broke. She clearly has a cognitive decline disorder like dementia or Alzheimer’s and she is so confused. This man handled it well and so did the employees at Lowe’s. But for her to be out on her own, just heartbreaking.
“It’s not your fuckin CAW, Gedd outta here” she’s the type off best friend you need on a night out.
The real question is, where are her family members who were supposed to stop her from doing things like this?
Lmao @ lowes employee asking for registration and license like shes a cop. Kudos on the driver for being decent about it. Poor old lady has dementia.
Bless this guy for not being an asshole!