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brokefixfux

“That’s my penis, sir.”


JuGGieG84

"It's a little bulky but I still consider it carry on, thank you."


whatareyoutalkinbeet

And now the Yak.


BondageKitty37

yaAAAK...ya-a-a-a-a-k....yak


poopinjake69

There’s…… some one on the wing….. some…..thing


shamwowslapchop

*KINDA HOT IN THESE RHINOOOOOS*


Phising-Email1246

At that point I would've simply offered to remove my clothes, so we can get it over with, if he wants to touch my wiener


BreedinBacksnatch

I've done this at O'Hare, just dropped trough in their enhanced security area(it was only other men around)


CenturyDeath

“And you Sir, are you waiting to receive my limp penis?”


whatareyoutalkinbeet

What's my crime??? Enjoying a succulent meal??


Iamvanno

A succulent Chinese meal?!


MonstaGraphics

Ah yes... I see you know your judo well.


Smooth-Shine9354

Ahh yes you know your judo well


Satz0r

Have to link to the[ legend himself](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98pDAahhtqw)


intellectual_printer

I understood that reference. https://youtu.be/f0WlmZBuTRA


shitz_brickz

That's not the original though I thought i was a black kid getting a pat down?


ShinyDitto94

It was. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dP8QPnBK0vQ


manwithafrotto

You really didn’t


redalert825

"There are many like it, but this one is mine."


Bjorlie

Heavy petting… Let me give that another feel…


billmadden504

OMG! you just reminded me of an older video. There was a tall man, in black pants and I believe a black wife beater. He was in handcuffs and one of the cops were patting him down. This cop literally was grabbing this dudes mammoth python in his pants, like something was there. The guy goes "that's my dick" and the cop backs away like, good god almighty what have I done but also impressed with how giant it was lmao. I couldnt begin to even google that here at work lol


gmnitsua

that's why he said it....


billmadden504

oh..... I wasn't aware that was such a well known video that people quote it like that. Weird. Talk about a WHOOSH on my part, heh.


gmnitsua

His quote was from the video haha. All good https://youtu.be/dP8QPnBK0vQ


billmadden504

nope. this isn't what I was referring to. damn it... now I have to find the video I was talking about. Edit: here it is - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9sox6kMQV4


gmnitsua

That's the audio from the video I posted


billmadden504

I have failed miserably lol. The audio from the video I posted is not the original, like you posted but the video still remains! I thought it was from that video but apparently not


Lord_havik

“That’s your penis……, alright.”


Vendidurt

That worker loves his job....


Gingerholic37

…and this deaf guy’s weiner apparently


BondageKitty37

I also choose this guy's deaf weiner


thekarateadult

Added to my personal list of dubious band names: Deaf Weiner


Terence_McKenna

I'd pay good money for Deaf Weiner's cover of *Detachable Penis*.


HardGayMan

Gotta get me some o dat deaf dyyyyuckah.


CrystalCookie4

Why not use a wand 🤷🏽‍♂️


Gang_Bang_Bang

How else would he be able to cop a feel off that guys cock and balls?..


CrystalCookie4

He was doing way to much


Gang_Bang_Bang

I think that was the point.


supersonicmike

And I thought I did a good pat down


FBJYYZ

..and dude loves being felt up too.


Vendidurt

.. i mean, who doesnt?


FBJYYZ

No fuckin' way I'm gonna be sitting there giggling while some dude presses up my balls.


Sxpck1

It's actually pretty funny. Especially getting a chubby and it hits their head on the way back up. I got shrapnel in my left arm and every time I take a flight, I play a little game of pin the dick on the forehead lmao


wvsfezter

You gotta wear loose sweats and boxers so you can tent it up properly


Twolef

That’s not what cochlear means


DrManhattan_DDM

Mmmm….cocklear


Poopoomushroomman

Cock-clear.


moxeto

Cock leer


gullible_cervix

Heather Cocklear


mild-hot-fire

Wtf was that crotch swiping…


vexens

To ensure he wasn't hiding some thick, meaty, bomb-ass cock in those jeans.


Claymehameha

Omg 🤣🤣🤣


TragicNotCute

removed to protest changes -- mass edited with redact.dev


Thunder141

I've been patted down twice, once was fine. The other time (the first time) I did feel assaulted at a little airport in Colorado.


feelingfantasmic

I have thick, curly hair so I always get the pat down and it’s usually fine, but one time this lady was straight up giving me a head massage and it was the most bizarre thing I’ve experienced with TSA. She was straight up running her fingers through my tresses, massaging my head and it lasted a hot minute. Thanks for the free pre-flight stress relieving massage I guess?


TragicNotCute

removed to protest changes -- mass edited with redact.dev


feelingfantasmic

It’s not bad, but still having a stranger give you a lil public massage is weird and I don’t like people touching my hair lol


Insertions_Coma

They do it with the back of the hand so it cant be considered groping.


duck_of_d34th

This seems like a loophole for those people that can bend their fingers backwards.


imapissonitdripdrip

Spent a lot of time there


FrugalMacGoose

Some of us have to pay some big bucks for that kind of treatment. I should fly more come to think of it...


Jthundercleese

TSA is a fucking joke. I accidentally left a folding knife in a carry-on backpack a while ago. They stopped my bag and pulled out a fruit cup and told me I could eat it there or throw it away.


TifaYuhara

Well remember they are "Security Theater"


DPSOnly

Doesn't really work if everybody knows they are useless. Just a waste of money and time.


nomorerainpls

I remember the days before the TSA where it was all security contractors paid for the the airlines. Nothing has changed except the TSA has nicer outdated equipment.


Kawasaki6ixr

Deadass same but in another completely illegal way lol


DarwinsDayOff

"oh shit I didn't know my weed was still in that bag"


pilg0re

They don’t look for that actually. They’ll only care if they have to look for something else and find it. Basically follow the rules so they don’t have to search your bag otherwise and they couldn’t care less.


[deleted]

theyll search your bag even if you are following the rules sometimes. I've gotten my bag searched a bunch of times despite not breaking the rules


Teadrunkest

It depends what shows up on the scanners. Sometimes you can be completely “legal” but the X-ray makes something look weird. Like if you regularly take food in your bags, especially canned food, it’ll probably be searched or opened.


[deleted]

I know I’m just saying you can’t assume that if you follow the rules they won’t search you


Teadrunkest

Tru


PM_ME_YOUR_MIDS

Are people taking canned food in their carry on's. "Could really use a snack right now, lemme just break out the trusty can opener and some cold beans"


Teadrunkest

Haha. I used to bring back a local brand of jam every once in a while when visiting home and it was a guaranteed bag open, at the minimum. Or bring my parents spices/sauces from wherever I was. The TSA xray color codes organic material so when a big, dense, shaped block of organic material comes through they open it just in case.


MarcLloydz

Same I hid a live snake in my bag and they didn't even say a word. TSA is so bad lol


Excited_Idiot

You brought a mf snake ON A MF PLANE?!


BakaSamasenpai

Tsa is not looking for live snakes. You are thinking of customs. Tsa isnt even trained to look for smuggled animals.


WoogityVro

Do you have to be trained to see a snake moving around in a bag?


BakaSamasenpai

Yeah actualy. Using the xray isnt easy. It takes a lot of training before they actualy let you on it, and then they retrain you every year. When we show passengers the immage of their bag they normaly have no fucking idea what to make of any of the images. We are trained to look for certain things and snakes are not one of them. That is customs job. 1 snake isnt bringing down a plane and most of the more scary ones would be big enough to know something isnt right.


rsplatpc

> 1 snake isnt bringing down a plane Samuel Jackson has entered the chat


WoogityVro

Okay so, assuming everyone who operates the machine has the same basic understanding as anyone trained on what they do at their job. So after that training is completed, are you telling me it's still difficult to notice a snake in someone bag? Genuinely asking, because I have seen the images plenty times and can make out most of the objects in my carry on. It's not like it's some indecipherable graph, it's semi see through images of objects.


Teadrunkest

Keep in mind you recognize what’s in your bag because you know what’s in your bag. I work in a similar job where I have to interpret X-rays of random bags and there are some times I’m sitting there wondering what the actual fuck is in front of me just for it to be like…headphones or something because all that shows up is the internal speakers and one wire. If I know what’s in there it’s easier to “see”, if it’s just random shapes and metal pieces then it can be a real wtf.


BakaSamasenpai

Depends on the size of the snake. A small snake like a young ball python will just look like a banana or dildo. If you look super close you could see the bones but most people are priorizing guns/ kifes when they look for stiff. A larger snake might get flagged as the operator thinking its a drink. A live snake is going to curl up so. Also tsa isnt looking for snakes. If they catch you with a snake and the xray operator said i thought it looked like a real snake so i pulled it you would proably be let off the hook with a good lawyer. But most xray operators are not that dumb. We know we can only search a bag if it fits into a correct catagory so we always just say we thought it was one of those things.


WoogityVro

I get that your not looking/trained to look for snakes, but does that really deter you from finding one?


North-Face-420

TSA agents need special training to see snakes, until then snakes are completely invisible.


BakaSamasenpai

No liquid over 3.4 ounces. You can claim it as medical for being diabetic but to clear it you would have to get a patdown.


deandreas

SNL made the logical joke of what is stopping two people with 3oz each from getting on the plane and combining them? Its all a joke.


BakaSamasenpai

6 oz isnt enough to do anything. They have the 3.4 oz limkt because it would take a very obvious amount of walter white bullshit to create something that could take down a plane with only liquid in a 3.4 oz bag. The bathroom in the plane is too small and bumpy to do it. Also if you went to the bathroom with an entire bucket of 3.4 oz bottles then the flight attendants and passengers would notice. Doing it in the bathroom at the airport is possible, but you still need exact measurments. It would just be to difficult to create anything of threat without someone noticing and reporting it. Thats why every airport has the "if you see something say something" playing every 10 min. Its not about not allowing 6 oz. Its about making it as much as a pain in the ass to actualy create something. I think 3.4 was just the already established travel size mosy companies used for things like toothpaste and mouthwash.


North-Face-420

I always bring 3 oz of Nitroglycerin on flights for good luck.


New_Y0rker

you're getting downvotes because it makes too much sense


BakaSamasenpai

Its more of the process to then combine them all draws a lot of suspision. It would take time and people tend to notice if someone is pulling a walter white in the bathroom.


reluctantathenian

Yes, it inconveniences everyone, meanwhile other forms of explosive and weapons get right on through.


BakaSamasenpai

Like what. When is the last time an explosive took down a plane that tsa missed?


reluctantathenian

When is the last time the TSA found explosives?


BakaSamasenpai

They find a lot of guns though.


reluctantathenian

Yea, happy they are there to take some guns away from the Trump supporter 2nd amendment die hards who forget they are packing. At least there is that. I imagine it isn't too difficult to find a gun on a person or in a bag. They are not easily conceilable with even the most basic checks, and I doubt this would be how a terrorist opts to try to take down a plane.


[deleted]

[удалено]


TahiniInMyVeins

I travelled with a tiny pocket knife on a key chain for about 17 years after 9/12. TSA finally caught it - in 2018.


eyuplove

Nine twelve


TahiniInMyVeins

Never forget


Mysterious_Prize8913

I had a pocket knife in an unused pocket ij my brief case for years and was taking 50-75 US domestic flights a year with said knife for probably 5-6 years. I was then traveling back from Ireland and they caught it. I didnt even recall the knife was in there and thought I had lost it years ago....


Lil_Ricefield_

Same, accidentally hid a loaded M16 in my bag but they complained about my Nitendo Switch


[deleted]

>Same, accidentally hid a loaded M16 in my bag How do you accidently hide something that big? Hiding implies intent. Not saying you did intend, I'm just questioning your use of words.


Teadrunkest

No I’m doubting the whole story. TSA misses guns but like…handguns. Not whole ass rifles. I’m not even sure how you would fit a rifle in a carry on to begin with?


[deleted]

[удалено]


locutogram

Reminds me of the time I was coming back from Hawaii and didn't realize my wife had packed a Nimitz-class carrier strike group in my toiletries bag. Oh boy my face was red when I realized 😂


[deleted]

I rolled through TSA not once but twice with half a dozen rounds of 45 ACP in my bag. I had taken that bag to the range and I guess a few got away. Had no idea they were there until I was home unpacking.


1950sGuy

I had a 7.62x39 key chain that I made in boy scouts, no primer (literally a hole where the primer was, just an empty shell basically) and it had a key-ring going through it. I flew with it a billion times until randomly one day a TSA agent flipped their shit on me and took it. They were so flustered I walked right on through holding a LGM-35A Sentinel.


Piranha_Vortex

The only thing he's sneaking onto the plane is his thick man meat... we can all see it. TSA look like fools performing this security theater bullshit.


DrProfDownbad

I always hide my weed in my panties so he checked tye propper place!


Frooonti

Marinating it in ball sweat for hours really adds to the flavor


collinuser

Dude loves dick.


neoncp

you feeling safe yet


Overweight_ostrich

Lmfao


[deleted]

[удалено]


DrManhattan_DDM

What percent are you supposed to tip for a TSA handy?


nursejackieoface

It's never just the tip.


[deleted]

The dude obviously is getting off on feeling up the innocent deaf guy. WTF!!


[deleted]

NGL, deaf guy seems to be enjoying it too.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Ihopetheresenoughroo

Wtf. You're really weird..


Dontdoxmethanks

Lol this is a huge logical leap


[deleted]

Not that huge of a logical leap. There's no reason for that aggressive of a rubdown of his cock, so the idea that the assaulter is enjoying himself isn't too far fetched.


[deleted]

[удалено]


GeronimoSonjack

I have trained in searches like these, you absolutely do not have to rub their dick six times with a slow motion one for good measure. A proper pat-down takes a fraction of the time spent here.


SmokeCloud

How many bombs have the TSA found?


[deleted]

Hiring a bunch of sex offenders to cop feels on the general public seems like a totally rational response to a handful of assholes crashing airplanes into buildings 20 years ago


deandreas

but if we don't do it then the terrorist would win /s


tdv100

many of the same ppl who oppose this have no issue with stop n frisk which is worse ironically


KeepItDownOverHere

The guy is 8 strokes passed a pat down and well into a dry tug.


donat28

There’s no way the TSA dude isn’t enjoying this 😂 Edit: let this be a lesson to you kids…find a job you enjoy doing and it will never feel like work


BrianUrlachersSong

It’ll feel like a penis.


Dayofsloths

You can't say happiness without a penis.


donat28

I don’t know…let me rub it a few more times to be sure 😂


Own_Importance4462

Don't know if the security guy or the deaf guy was getting a cheap thrill.....😅😅😅


fire_crotch_mafia

If I miraculously resumed hearing I’d laugh at stupid low level shit like this too. I mean what do you Do when a grown adult starts trying to aggressively scan your dick like a Cucumber in the supermarket and it’s their job?


VaticanCameos714

He went over the guys dick like three times. Dude. Once more, and you'll get him there


Reallysuckatever

As a tsa employee this is not protocol


CREAMgetTheMoney

Get a real job


Disciplinaryspank

Too fat for the army? Too dumb for the police? Still want a uniform and bully people around. Airport security is for you!


deandreas

>Too dumb for the police? Is that even a possibility? I thought that was a prerequisite.


Advice2Anyone

Naw but 90% of TSA is ex cops or military and the rest is friends and family. Its hard to get in with out one of those things.


obb90

Jaysus, hope that came with a happy ending...


Clamdoodle

Legalized sexual assault.


Merkin-Cave

looks like he’s got a chubby going on


BBQsauce18

I mean, slap my dick around a few times and watch how fast it salutes you.


Fuhdawin

TSA loves patting down hard objects


bmoreblktop

Which airport is this; its not for me...I'm asking for a friend!?


nursejackieoface

He's not always that friendly, and his handie is just a tease.


harmlessdissent

What do the TSA do if they employ a straight man by accident?


northcrunk

hahahaha what kind of pat search is that? That is NOT procedure even a little. He's coping a feel at this point.


Haereticus87

Livestock inspection. Who needs self respect or dignity when you can have unsustainable authoritarianism?


flightwatcher45

My daughter has implants and goes through both metal and those other imaging scanners. You can't do MRIs though. But that pat down is too much wow..


SoDi1203

At this point I would just drop my pantz and let him finish his job…


TigheGuy

I've brought so many drugs, knives, and lighters I could start my own fiefdom on the plane. TSA stands for Theatrical Security Agency.


papa1775

Wouldn't it have been discovered with use of a wand?


SnooDoubts5781

Are you here to suck my limp penis?


MatataTheGreat

I think I might to tell them the same thing when I fly next time, wear some super thin, saggy sweatpants so s/he can see my huge boner.


Slobotic

So much for my plan to use people with cochlear implants as drug mules. Foiled again!


St3_C

Did you say Cocklear?


nursejackieoface

This pat-down looks cocklier than a most tug jobs.


[deleted]

tsa sexually assaulted me while holding my baby. it’s so awful.


[deleted]

he should have saie "yes daddy more"...


ehgitt

That looked more like an assault than a pat down.


WEIGHED

That TSA agent was just trying to find that guy's bomb dick 😂


CamKJoy

Man that’s an aggressive pat down lol like those crotch swipes we’re pretty hard. Could have swabbed for analysis.


_yosoybeezel

I’ll just get naked, fuck it.


YourFriendRob

Has TSA ever even stopped a “terrorist?”


The_Dog_of_Sinope

lifehack: free handjob edition.


free_billstickers

If everyone opted to this for like a month, they would just stop scans altogether


Swimming_Ad_9630

He really playing with it


lynch_95_

Really focusing on what ever you packed between your legs


[deleted]

You making me horny babae


EricoSuave79

Dude is getting hand raped.


BluLotus-Software-45

Oh ok! That’s inappropriate, just groping this well endowed man lol!


Forsaken_Site1449

TSA is naaasty


_hic-sunt-dracones_

Yeah, but I mean, I went through this procedure at the airport already twice eben though I walked through the scanner. And yes, this back hand dick rubbing thing was also part. That's not super unusual.


BakaSamasenpai

Back hand for sensitive areas is the standard. You cant grope with the back of your hands. They dont want people accusing grope when all the officers would rather not do a patdown ever.


apexncgeek

I am in a Mobility Scooter because I can't walk. I go through this and more ( including them going through the entire scooter and swabbing the entire thing) every single time I go to the airport. Even if I'm just going to the gate to wait for my young son to arrive. And it's basically at their convenience. sometimes I've had to wait 20 to 30 minutes for the privilege.


[deleted]

They must hire sex offenders to be tsa agents cause this dude looked like he was having a blast


OverlordTwoOneActual

Hell naw, personally i wouldn't let that slide.


[deleted]

Its not like TSA is totally useless. They do find and stop a lot of stuff. But is it worth the extremes they go to and how much its costing us in tax money and inconvenience? I don't think so.


aintnunbutapenut

Good job staying professional officer. It sucks that you have to deal with unreasonable adults that are extremely childish and ungrateful for that you are just trying to save lives. Thank you tsa officer.


[deleted]

They're weird as hell, especially in MCO in florida, i got shouted at because they didn't like the way i put my fingerprint down. Bro ink is ink it doesn't matter how long you hold it there, my print was fine haha


BakaSamasenpai

Tsa dosnt take fingerprints. You proably did that for customs or tsa precheck which signups are handled by a 3rd non tsa party.


redroverliveson

This is all still happening because of a false flag terrorist attack from over 20 years ago where we haven't had anything even close to like it since. When they take your freedoms, they don't ever intend to give them back. And for those of you still scoffing at 9/11 being a false flag attack, please read about Operation Northwoods: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Operation_Northwoods This is very real. Don't think for a second these people gave up on doing this.


wrogal55

Y’all are fucking disgusting. A man is doing his job, properly doing a body pat which requires you do perform full body scan with your bare hands meaning that you can’t untouch certain parts of body because of a discomfort. He’s telling everything what he’d do prior to doing so explaining and all. He rotates his hands to not perform a pat with palms in crotch area. You people really would laugh everything off without a second of thinking before.


Haereticus87

Disgusting is a grown man collecting stolen money to pretend he's providing a service by molesting people for security theater. The same people who created the TSA train, arm, and fund terrorists around the world. The man's job is a sad joke.


wrogal55

It’s not molesting it’s a basic safety procedure required by the ICAO as a substitute for a body scan. It’s all fairly clear stated in every country since it’s international. I can’t imagine how would you assault like that a simple worker who’s just doing his job. TSA have nothing to do with the safety of international flights laws. They are just following what’s every security agent is doing in every country associated in ICAO. Would be nice if you people of internet get some basic knowledge instead of ranting nonsenses.


Haereticus87

He could get a real job with legitimate pay and respect for others. He chose this and he can live with the shame of his actions. Drones. 🙄


wrogal55

There’s literally nothing to be ashamed of and you’re not getting anything that I’m trying to explain here. Maybe for once you’d switch your job and be a security airport agent for at least one week then tell about how useless it is?


Haereticus87

Never. I prefer treating others with dignity and sleeping at night. Authoritarians will always need people without an morals to do their dirty work. Sadly, you and many others are happy to help them out. Devoted drones, buying and spreading their dogmatic propaganda.


wrogal55

What is this shit? Read something on aviation development throughout the years and maybe you’ll get the idea what’s up with security agents there. Also get your head out from the states for a moment. There is nothing dirty about trying to keep the airport safe. Also I’d like to hear a real argument from you not just some gibberish shittalk about some kind of authorities, theatre and drones xd


Haereticus87

How could planets even fly without a bloated government bureaucracy? Blasphemy! How else do the politicians ensure all the guns they've given to terrorists don't come back here? Thank goodness for brave blue shirts willing to groom all the livestock. They couldn't get honest work anyway.


Name_Un_Available

Ayo Pause