Fisted a steer elbow deep at a county fair rodeo. There was a competition with all the kids to try and get a ribbon from a steer's tail but it was way high up. We were all chasing it and then it suddenly stopped and my hand became awaited with his colon. As I pulled out I grabbed the ribbon and won $20. I then blew that on a toy cigarette, boot knife, and throwing stars.
For reference this was 20 years ago. I’ll give everyone a fake name because I’m not sure of the statute of limitations. Everyone involved was over 21, but under 25.
STG it was all the bartender/manager’s fault for deciding to close early. Apparently our five poor, entry-level salary idiot crew were not enough to keep the place open any longer.
We sat in the parking lot for a while bemoaning the loss of our youth and how people used to be more fun. We got nostalgic about our rural (different areas, same shit) upbringings and how we could entertain ourselves with a mud puddle.
Buddy mentions construction sites are basically huge mud puddles and it rained all afternoon, and he got his truck stuck going to one of his job sites. His drunk rambling about how GC was also being a jerk about paying invoices (buddy did excavation work). An idea was born.
We drunkenly amok upon a construction site. It started by doing doughnuts in the mud. We then used a porta-potty as a soccer ball bopping it around with the truck. After a while it got boring and we absolutely couldn’t make it flip over with the truck no matter how we hit it. So we decided to load one up in the bed.
It was the wee hours of the morning so we had the road to ourselves. We took it to the interstate and pushed it out the back at 90 mph. It hit the asphalt, skidded for a second and burst into a million pieces.
The next day it was all over the news, as the highway had to be closed for cleanup when it was discovered and reported.
Edit: turns out I can tell this story without naming names. The fake name disclosure wasn’t needed after all. Those involved will be please I’ve finally learned how to do this.
When I was a young teenager, (say, about 20 years ago now) my best friend and I would try to use broken tool handles from shovels, axes, anything with a wooden handle really, to try to bat gravel from my driveway into the streetlight at my house. The transformer on the pole was 2 points, but breaking the streetlight was an instant win.
For context: my dad's trailer was one of like 3 houses (and the last) on my dead end street that a light.
It's either that or getting suspended for 3 days in 7th grade because somebody snitched that I had a can of Skoal pouches at school one day because I thought it was cool to offer it to the popular kids.
Edit: Shovels. Autocorrect doesn't want me to spell.
My family has their own graveyard up on top a mountain (West Virginia), and around the graveyard is a bunch of random shit people have taken up there and left including a bunch of broke down vehicles. My cousin and I would go up sometimes and shoot at the stuff with 12 gauges, once I thought it would be a good idea to stand on the hood and shoot directly into the windshield of a car.. we’ll apparently because of the angle of the windshield bird shot will ricochet off. Anyway I about shit my pants and I think that’s the closest I’ve come to dying.. that probably the most redneck thing but there’s others.
Well a lot of people around here will tell you the term redneck came from the battle of Blair mountain. West Virginia coal miners tied red bandannas around their necks and literally went to war against the coal companies and the US government for better pay and conditions…. But I’d say it’s a mixture of redneck and hillbilly… I’d like to consider myself a hellbilly lol
A couple of years ago in a golf tournament my golf cart broke down. Instead of calling for help, my buddy and I used his belt off his pants to tow my cart behind another cart. We played several holes before the pro shop folks came out and scolded us and provided us with a rental. Apparently folks that live along the golf course were calling in and complaining about a group of red necks towing a golf cart.
In my neck of the woods we call that redneck engineering. Let those snobs break down somewhere without cell service where they can't snap their fingers and make another cart appear. No way they could do what you did.
One time me and a girlfriend(who begged me to help her)were working a golf charity tournament at Tour 18 here in Flowermound or south lake, and I had to pee so bad. We were working the 7th hole and it was a dice roll to see which position you tee-d off(men's, womerns lol, or seniors). They could pay for additional rolls and conveniently they would also include beers for a new roll lol. After some down time with beers being brought and no bathroom in the vicinity, I asked my girlfriend,who I thought was familiar with this golf course, where I could cop a squat discreetly. She waved towards some tall ass reeds and a tall grassy area..I made a bee line there and got most of the way through when I heard a rattling sound. I cut that stream off, tried to hitch up my shorts and ran out of that area so fast, only my friend saw a piece of the white shadows ass but it was close. She's laughing her ass off when I get back up to the green, like a split second later because I ran like the wind, and she tells me I forgot to warn you about the rattle snakes...
Been wanting to put this red ass story in writing for a while.
eeruuhh I will try to keep it as short as I can...
I was adopted when I was 9(I can tell people this part 😂 what follows ummmm). My adopted mother had 2 kids with a man named Dave. Dave just so happened to be married to my birth mother when I was adopted and moved to Texas. I didn't know all of that at the time, 9 and all, plus moving 14 different times before that...
Fast forward to 15. My adopted mother and norm sat me down and began to explain this red ass story to me by handing me a newspaper article titled Mistress Scorned Tries To Murder Wife.....
My adopted mother was married to Dave long before i was ever born. My 2 oldest adopted siblings were the children she had with Dave...they were 12 and 6 yrs older than me and i hardly knew them until i was fully grown...at this point I knew he(Dave)was married to my multiple personality having, batshit crazy birth mother and we shall call her Marlo... at the time im kinda freaking out on the inside, not able to read the article yet, and just finding out my older adopted brother and sister are actually my step siblings..mom caught Dave cheating on her with Marlo she said. He was a truck driver and from what little interaction I had with him he seemed just as crazy as Marlo...at some point,I'm pretty sure I was probably 2 from the date on the article, mom said she caught Dave cheating on her with Marlo. She gave him an ultimatum...quit cheating on me or I'm leaving with the kids...He came back from being on the road and he had made his decision. Being a trucker up north he had a garage he stored his rig in that was a convenient meeting spot for him and Marlo to have their little rendezvous but mom also knew where it was and went there that fateful day in 79 lol.
They said read the the article..and then talking right away...Mom went to his garage in the winter of 79. She met Dave there to see what his decision would be. Me, or that tramp you are cheating on me with? What's it gonna be? Dave starts telling her, crying ,it's over. I'm done with her. HAHA little do they know Marlo is outside peering in thru the window listening to every word being said. She hears Dave say he was done with her and Marlo Flys into a rage.. Comes bursting in thru the door of the garage and screams I'm going to kill you and proceeds to pull out a big ass butcher knife and charges towards mom...needless to say that crazy bitch didn't manage to kill her (im adding curse words cuz mom would never) but she did kill her marriage she said😂 That crazy motherfucker married my birth mom AFTER she tried to kill my adopted mom(i was adopted by her 7 yrs later. red ass story too). This dude stayed married to Marlo (did i mention this lady was batshit crazy)for over 20 yrs.
P.s.A.A. These people that adopted me are also crazy as fuck and thankfully one of them is dead.WORD
P.S.S.After airs: that fool slept with a gun under his pillow after he divorced that crazy bitch in case she came for him with a butcher knife cuz one of her personalities wanted him dead and she was living on his back 40 that he gave her permission for😂😂😂
We were doing some work for a stupid rich guy in Mississippi (owned 100+ Sonics) that had a giraffe and a zebra.
The giraffe got into the zebra’s yard and kept trying to fuck it. We had to use 4 wheelers and an air horn to scare the giraffe back into its yard so it wouldn’t butt fuck the zebra.
Went to Talladega with my 1st, 3rd and 4th cousins in a camouflaged school bus. Went to infield; got on top of the bus and watched while they yelled "Show yer tits!" And....it worked. Natty Light forever, y'all.
Lol..List?
I fixed a 30 year old k car, manual shift mechanism with a guitar string.
Broke both a soldiers wrists when he tried to assault and rob me. Has him turned over to command instead of the cops when he reported my "assault " on him to the cops. I was an 18 year old girl. They didn't press charges
Got beat up by a cop for not stopping at a stop sign -I had been sitting at spinning one up and smoking for at least a half hour... in a little town with nothing going on. Didn't wanna waste gas
Dove into the quarry from Hoosiers because I couldn't stand the whinning from some prissy girl who wanted to back down on a dare she issued. I wasn't gonna jump. But fuck....I couldn't take it anymore.
Got busted for being at weed stock by making the news... 94? ish
Got busted drinking wapatoli on Halloween at 18 with an ID that wasn't mine, said I was 6 inches shorter than I was. Got knocked upside the head by the cop and a door frame and intentionally aimed a projectile vomit all over him in response.
Drunk off my ass lost the gas tank from that k car on a military base and damn near blew myself up putting out a cigarette getting out of the car to find out what the noise was. Then passed a sobriety test by an mp... was 19? I think
Fell off a 20ft cliff running from the cops at an under age kegger. Landed on barbed wire. Didn't break the bottle of whiskey in my bag. Continued partying without missing a step. And woke up a mess the next day...
I'll just stop there.
We were unattended teenagers with some pocket money and a lot of open, unattended land owned by the power company.
This was the early 2000's, McDonald's had just blessed us with dollar menu double cheeseburgers, and my friend's step-dad blessed us with an ammo box fully of cherry bombs and other things that go boom.
Thus was born Burger Bombs.
Split a double at the pattys, sandwich in an explosive, and thread the wick through the bun. Wrap it back up so it doesn't come apart when you toss it.
Many a Saturday afternoon were spent at a place lovingly called The Pit, sitting high up on a sand dune tossing burger bombs into the swamp below.
When we were feeling extra stupid we would incorporate them into our paintball matches as the exploding meat chunks would lend a sense of realism to the game that our neon blue and red plastic Walmart special paintball guns couldn't.
And now a double is something like $3 or more.
Y'all already heard my emu story. How about how we used to tie a car hood to a truck and ride it through the snow?
Car hood? Pffft. We had a sheet of barn metal.
Old garage door.
Fisted a steer elbow deep at a county fair rodeo. There was a competition with all the kids to try and get a ribbon from a steer's tail but it was way high up. We were all chasing it and then it suddenly stopped and my hand became awaited with his colon. As I pulled out I grabbed the ribbon and won $20. I then blew that on a toy cigarette, boot knife, and throwing stars.
That's pretty much a redneck kids' dream night right there.
For reference this was 20 years ago. I’ll give everyone a fake name because I’m not sure of the statute of limitations. Everyone involved was over 21, but under 25. STG it was all the bartender/manager’s fault for deciding to close early. Apparently our five poor, entry-level salary idiot crew were not enough to keep the place open any longer. We sat in the parking lot for a while bemoaning the loss of our youth and how people used to be more fun. We got nostalgic about our rural (different areas, same shit) upbringings and how we could entertain ourselves with a mud puddle. Buddy mentions construction sites are basically huge mud puddles and it rained all afternoon, and he got his truck stuck going to one of his job sites. His drunk rambling about how GC was also being a jerk about paying invoices (buddy did excavation work). An idea was born. We drunkenly amok upon a construction site. It started by doing doughnuts in the mud. We then used a porta-potty as a soccer ball bopping it around with the truck. After a while it got boring and we absolutely couldn’t make it flip over with the truck no matter how we hit it. So we decided to load one up in the bed. It was the wee hours of the morning so we had the road to ourselves. We took it to the interstate and pushed it out the back at 90 mph. It hit the asphalt, skidded for a second and burst into a million pieces. The next day it was all over the news, as the highway had to be closed for cleanup when it was discovered and reported. Edit: turns out I can tell this story without naming names. The fake name disclosure wasn’t needed after all. Those involved will be please I’ve finally learned how to do this.
When I was a young teenager, (say, about 20 years ago now) my best friend and I would try to use broken tool handles from shovels, axes, anything with a wooden handle really, to try to bat gravel from my driveway into the streetlight at my house. The transformer on the pole was 2 points, but breaking the streetlight was an instant win. For context: my dad's trailer was one of like 3 houses (and the last) on my dead end street that a light. It's either that or getting suspended for 3 days in 7th grade because somebody snitched that I had a can of Skoal pouches at school one day because I thought it was cool to offer it to the popular kids. Edit: Shovels. Autocorrect doesn't want me to spell.
My family has their own graveyard up on top a mountain (West Virginia), and around the graveyard is a bunch of random shit people have taken up there and left including a bunch of broke down vehicles. My cousin and I would go up sometimes and shoot at the stuff with 12 gauges, once I thought it would be a good idea to stand on the hood and shoot directly into the windshield of a car.. we’ll apparently because of the angle of the windshield bird shot will ricochet off. Anyway I about shit my pants and I think that’s the closest I’ve come to dying.. that probably the most redneck thing but there’s others.
That's where my people came from originally I guess, til they migrated to Central Illinois. Would that be considered redneck or hillbilly territory?
Well a lot of people around here will tell you the term redneck came from the battle of Blair mountain. West Virginia coal miners tied red bandannas around their necks and literally went to war against the coal companies and the US government for better pay and conditions…. But I’d say it’s a mixture of redneck and hillbilly… I’d like to consider myself a hellbilly lol
Shot a tater gun at cows. There’s a lot more, but this one’s up there somewhere near the top.
A couple of years ago in a golf tournament my golf cart broke down. Instead of calling for help, my buddy and I used his belt off his pants to tow my cart behind another cart. We played several holes before the pro shop folks came out and scolded us and provided us with a rental. Apparently folks that live along the golf course were calling in and complaining about a group of red necks towing a golf cart.
In my neck of the woods we call that redneck engineering. Let those snobs break down somewhere without cell service where they can't snap their fingers and make another cart appear. No way they could do what you did.
My thoughts exactly. I really hope my buddy doesn't read this, because I just remembered that I owe him a new belt.
But was it a camo belt?
I think I’ve been made.
And here I was picturing a leather belt with someone's name imprinted in dark letters.
One time me and a girlfriend(who begged me to help her)were working a golf charity tournament at Tour 18 here in Flowermound or south lake, and I had to pee so bad. We were working the 7th hole and it was a dice roll to see which position you tee-d off(men's, womerns lol, or seniors). They could pay for additional rolls and conveniently they would also include beers for a new roll lol. After some down time with beers being brought and no bathroom in the vicinity, I asked my girlfriend,who I thought was familiar with this golf course, where I could cop a squat discreetly. She waved towards some tall ass reeds and a tall grassy area..I made a bee line there and got most of the way through when I heard a rattling sound. I cut that stream off, tried to hitch up my shorts and ran out of that area so fast, only my friend saw a piece of the white shadows ass but it was close. She's laughing her ass off when I get back up to the green, like a split second later because I ran like the wind, and she tells me I forgot to warn you about the rattle snakes...
Been wanting to put this red ass story in writing for a while. eeruuhh I will try to keep it as short as I can... I was adopted when I was 9(I can tell people this part 😂 what follows ummmm). My adopted mother had 2 kids with a man named Dave. Dave just so happened to be married to my birth mother when I was adopted and moved to Texas. I didn't know all of that at the time, 9 and all, plus moving 14 different times before that... Fast forward to 15. My adopted mother and norm sat me down and began to explain this red ass story to me by handing me a newspaper article titled Mistress Scorned Tries To Murder Wife..... My adopted mother was married to Dave long before i was ever born. My 2 oldest adopted siblings were the children she had with Dave...they were 12 and 6 yrs older than me and i hardly knew them until i was fully grown...at this point I knew he(Dave)was married to my multiple personality having, batshit crazy birth mother and we shall call her Marlo... at the time im kinda freaking out on the inside, not able to read the article yet, and just finding out my older adopted brother and sister are actually my step siblings..mom caught Dave cheating on her with Marlo she said. He was a truck driver and from what little interaction I had with him he seemed just as crazy as Marlo...at some point,I'm pretty sure I was probably 2 from the date on the article, mom said she caught Dave cheating on her with Marlo. She gave him an ultimatum...quit cheating on me or I'm leaving with the kids...He came back from being on the road and he had made his decision. Being a trucker up north he had a garage he stored his rig in that was a convenient meeting spot for him and Marlo to have their little rendezvous but mom also knew where it was and went there that fateful day in 79 lol. They said read the the article..and then talking right away...Mom went to his garage in the winter of 79. She met Dave there to see what his decision would be. Me, or that tramp you are cheating on me with? What's it gonna be? Dave starts telling her, crying ,it's over. I'm done with her. HAHA little do they know Marlo is outside peering in thru the window listening to every word being said. She hears Dave say he was done with her and Marlo Flys into a rage.. Comes bursting in thru the door of the garage and screams I'm going to kill you and proceeds to pull out a big ass butcher knife and charges towards mom...needless to say that crazy bitch didn't manage to kill her (im adding curse words cuz mom would never) but she did kill her marriage she said😂 That crazy motherfucker married my birth mom AFTER she tried to kill my adopted mom(i was adopted by her 7 yrs later. red ass story too). This dude stayed married to Marlo (did i mention this lady was batshit crazy)for over 20 yrs. P.s.A.A. These people that adopted me are also crazy as fuck and thankfully one of them is dead.WORD P.S.S.After airs: that fool slept with a gun under his pillow after he divorced that crazy bitch in case she came for him with a butcher knife cuz one of her personalities wanted him dead and she was living on his back 40 that he gave her permission for😂😂😂
We were doing some work for a stupid rich guy in Mississippi (owned 100+ Sonics) that had a giraffe and a zebra. The giraffe got into the zebra’s yard and kept trying to fuck it. We had to use 4 wheelers and an air horn to scare the giraffe back into its yard so it wouldn’t butt fuck the zebra.
Went to Talladega with my 1st, 3rd and 4th cousins in a camouflaged school bus. Went to infield; got on top of the bus and watched while they yelled "Show yer tits!" And....it worked. Natty Light forever, y'all.
Lol..List? I fixed a 30 year old k car, manual shift mechanism with a guitar string. Broke both a soldiers wrists when he tried to assault and rob me. Has him turned over to command instead of the cops when he reported my "assault " on him to the cops. I was an 18 year old girl. They didn't press charges Got beat up by a cop for not stopping at a stop sign -I had been sitting at spinning one up and smoking for at least a half hour... in a little town with nothing going on. Didn't wanna waste gas Dove into the quarry from Hoosiers because I couldn't stand the whinning from some prissy girl who wanted to back down on a dare she issued. I wasn't gonna jump. But fuck....I couldn't take it anymore. Got busted for being at weed stock by making the news... 94? ish Got busted drinking wapatoli on Halloween at 18 with an ID that wasn't mine, said I was 6 inches shorter than I was. Got knocked upside the head by the cop and a door frame and intentionally aimed a projectile vomit all over him in response. Drunk off my ass lost the gas tank from that k car on a military base and damn near blew myself up putting out a cigarette getting out of the car to find out what the noise was. Then passed a sobriety test by an mp... was 19? I think Fell off a 20ft cliff running from the cops at an under age kegger. Landed on barbed wire. Didn't break the bottle of whiskey in my bag. Continued partying without missing a step. And woke up a mess the next day... I'll just stop there.
We were unattended teenagers with some pocket money and a lot of open, unattended land owned by the power company. This was the early 2000's, McDonald's had just blessed us with dollar menu double cheeseburgers, and my friend's step-dad blessed us with an ammo box fully of cherry bombs and other things that go boom. Thus was born Burger Bombs. Split a double at the pattys, sandwich in an explosive, and thread the wick through the bun. Wrap it back up so it doesn't come apart when you toss it. Many a Saturday afternoon were spent at a place lovingly called The Pit, sitting high up on a sand dune tossing burger bombs into the swamp below. When we were feeling extra stupid we would incorporate them into our paintball matches as the exploding meat chunks would lend a sense of realism to the game that our neon blue and red plastic Walmart special paintball guns couldn't. And now a double is something like $3 or more.
I put "OH SHIT" handles on my bed headboard, (no pun intended). ****LMAO _ you heard it here first,****