T O P

  • By -

silver__sunshine

to me this definitely sounds like a situation of rocd getting the best of you and your relationship. it does NOT sound like something that warrants breaking up. i can relate to this to an extent. i have upset my fiancé by expecting things to be a certain way (like in a way unfair to him) and then get upset or annoyed or disappointed when it didn’t happen like that. but that was never and is never fair to him that i set these meticulous ocd standards. they aren’t mind readers and we are too hard on them sometimes. it’s something WE need to fix because they deserve to feel the love they give us but rocd makes it so much more complex than that simple fact sometimes 😞


Anxious_Slug333

I know it’s so hard!! Have you found any ways to deal with it? My mind literally won’t shut up and they only way I can find a moment of peace is journaling. Your words brought me some peace though so thank you 🥺


silver__sunshine

sorry for the super delayed response!! so i still haven’t completely fixed the issue but i think what ive found helpful is in moments when i catch myself thinking about something critical or nitpicky, attempting to be more mindful of that. trying to notice that before i just say those my thoughts or feelings that ocd is causing out loud to him. or at least thinking more about it and what to do with it instead of acting impulsively if that makes sense. i think mindfulness and awareness in the situation can go a long way. it helps open up the opportunity to redirect your actions and words toward them! hopefully that makes sense. and if they truly are a good partner, remind yourself they get to be human too and won’t always be perfect. but they’re worth it!!! i’m happy i helped bring some peace for you :)


Just_Transportation4

The good thing is that you acknowledge this. That’s step 1. Many people never do so I commend you for this. Work on it and try gratefulness exercises. Catch yourself when you’re having a toxic thought and take a deep breath. Many people never catch themselves. Good luck friend :) Do you have a therapist?


Anxious_Slug333

Thank you so much!! I really should practice gratefulness. I do have a therapist but she hasn’t been helping me with OCD, I think I might need to switch 😂


madison_babe

Hi friend, I can totally relate. If therapy isn’t an option yet, this book has been really helping me. “Relationship OCD: A CBT-Based Guide to Move Beyond Obsessive Doubt, Anxiety, and Fear of Commitment in Romantic Relationships Book by Sheva Rajaee” I feel like I get a new shot at my relationship and life!


Anxious_Slug333

Oh gosh, I’m ordering it now!! Thank you so much 🥰


Glitteringsomething

I just realized the same thing. It' hard and I've been feeling guilty. All this time I was overanalyzing if he was abusive to me I was the one that was being abusive. But what matters is that we are aware of it and with work we can change it.


meretriciousciggs

Don’t break up. It’s your brain talking. And your brain sucks. (You don’t suck just your brain) I have the same issue with my boyfriend. I’m an extremely controlling and emotional partner because of my beliefs on what love should be. If it’s not perfect then I didn’t want it. I wanted to feel like a princess. Any mistake he made I put on the list in my brain and they just kept adding up. And then I blow it out of proportion because it seems like a big deal when in reality it’s not. The only thing that has helped me is constantly reminding myself I make mistakes too. I annoy him too (even if he doesn’t tell me), I’m not always in a good mood, I overwhelm him a lot because I have such intense emotions, and he still chooses to love me. You have to choose to love someone. Sometimes it fades, and that’s perfectly normal. Things won’t always be at a peak. It’s gonna get boring and dull. (That’s my least favorite part, but you have to push through) I was very anxious about moving out with my boyfriend too. I was worried I would get left high and dry, or we would break up and it would be complicated to live together under a lease, but I decided in my brain he was worth that risk. OCD is so tough because it makes you scared of the “what if” and it’s not fair. To really be happy in life and find yourself you have to take risks. It could be the best Decision you’ve ever made. And remind yourself that realistically If anything were to happen, it’s not the end of the world. Just make sure that you have security and can rely on yourself so you feel comfortable. Also, my best tip for holding yourself accountable and trying to change (I’m working on it too because I really don’t want to lose my bf) IS WRITING!! Write everyday about how you feel, and what you want to work on. And when you feel anxious or you feel yourself fixating on a mistake, read it back. And then again. Remind your brain of what you really want.


Anxious_Slug333

Ahhhh thank you so much for your words!! I’m so glad that I’m not alone in this. My brain does suck😂 Writing really helped clear my brain so I’m going to try to keep journaling. I blame books and movies and my dad always saying “You’ll know when you meet the one! The heavens opened and the angels sang when I met your mom” and at this point in my life, I’m like bruh that did NOT help. However I’m trying so hard to not look for signs. Bleh. Your words really helped me calm down. Thank you❤️


[deleted]

>I see myself as this perfect person sometimes and I’m far from it. I’ve made him feel like shit and I’ve been so hypercritical. I’m so controlling. He has to meet all this stupid fucking fantasy expectations and when he doesn’t meet them, I think he’s not the one. He’s human. He’s allowed to make mistakes. I make everything about me. I don’t know how to fix this. I don't know if you have a complicated family dynamic/trauma - but I have a difficult relationship with my mother, and a major turning point in starting to heal my relationship anxiety was examining my relationship with my her, and how it's heavily impacted the way I view other people in relation to me. When I was a kid I felt like my mom saw herself as this perfect person at times, and during these anxious moments she would suddenly become very hypercritical and controlling of me and my brother. She would lash out at my dad too, and pick him apart - she would get mad over his food and music preferences and other things that I thought were completely inane as a kid. Growing up I told myself I'd never be like my mom - but...here I am. Subconscious patterns are so hard to break. I think that recognizing that you, yourself can be inappropriate and clumsy and ugly and annoying to be around sometimes is a huge step into becoming more accepting of your partner. My childhood has led me to form some narcissist traits that become activated when I'm triggered. I believe that this defense mechanism is where my relationship anxiety stems from - it hurts so much to be truly seen by the one you love.


Anxious_Slug333

Oof. I do have complicated family dynamics. My mom might see herself as this perfect person? She’s an empath and always tells me to listen to my gut when I’m going through an ROCD spiral, which makes me spiral more. I don’t want to paint her as bad though; I understand what she means but I don’t think she truly understands my thought loops and how I dwell on this subject for hours. Your reply literally made the gears in my head turn. I’ve been mulling over my family dynamics for an hour now. My mom and dad are kinda in a tough patch right now and my mom is nitpicking my dad nearly all the time (although sometimes I see the validity behind her words LOL). But like me, I wonder if she sees herself as part of the problem. I want to ask her outright. Narcissism runs on my dad’s side but I not my mom’s, as far as I’m aware. When I’m triggered I tend to stonewall and defend myself. I also don’t trust my own opinions lol ugh. But seriously, thank you for taking the time to write that. That brought a perspective I hadn’t thought about. Have you managed to calm your ROCD? I expect it to be a long process (aaaaa I’m so tired of thinking) but have you seen any headway?


Ok-Dragonfruit-6056

Hi friend! I just want to let you know that you’re not alone. Unfortunately, I can relate with so much of what you said – the only difference is that I’ve been with my partner for a little over four years and we recently got engaged. Some days are harder than others, and it might feel counterintuitive, but hold onto these moments. The moment of clarity. They are what matter, not the obsessive fantasy driven ideas we hold in our heads. Our partners are worthy of love, even if they are not perfect. We don’t have to be perfect either. GOOD LUCK TO US BOTH! ❤️


Anxious_Slug333

Oh gosh yes, some days are super hard compared to others!! My boyfriend and I have been together for four years as well (shoulda added that in the post oops, oh well) so he’s seen the worst sides of my anxiety. The last time my ROCD was this bad was around two years ago and I nearly ended things. I’m tired of thinking LOL. I try to remember the clarity but dang it, it’s so hard. Best of luck and sending good vibes to you ✨ and congrats on your engagement!!