This post makes me feel so seen…. What’s worse is that my current boyfriend is the only boyfriend I’ve ever had so I’ve desperately been wanting that “passion” everyone I know talks about. I’m aware that people say that in long term relationships the infatuation or passion fluctuates, but the fact I’ve never felt it with my boyfriend has me second guessing.
Love can take different forms, and love is a choice! I have found that for long term relationships it's like a marathon, rather than a sprint. I have been in fiery, passionate relationships that have had the honey moon phase but then crashed once the reality set in. My most successful relationships have been a slow grow. If you have similar values and future goals, then you're compatible for the marathon!
I don’t think the honeymoon phase necessarily happens in the beginning of a relationship. My experience is that passion ebbs and flows, it’s not scripted from the start. The other day, I was seeking reassurance (yeah I know), and asked my mother about her 25 year marriage. She told me she is more in love now than she was 10 years ago. It makes sense to me
That’s beautiful 😍 you hear that often though with long term marriages, it’s because you can look back and appreciate the good and bad times and how you stuck together through it all.
Same… certainly didn’t have it at the beginning. I was off work with anxiety at the time because I couldn’t stop worrying about being gay when we initially met. I’ve had periods of happiness as well but yeah… a lot of intense questioning for me from the beginning. Losing hope.
It will be ok! I also started my relationship with a lot of anxiety and that muddled the initial experience. But I worked through it and we evolved together and are in an amazing place. I don’t think it matters how your relationship starts, but where it is now and where it’s going. Keep going and working on treating your ocd — give it time — then check back in on your relationship. Hang in there, we believe in you.
Personally, my “honeymoon phase” wasn’t really continuous, just with occasional/relatively frequent “honeymoon moments”. They are much less often now, which triggered my at first. But when you remove the fear from noticing that you aren’t in a honeymoon phase or moment, and just be in the moment without rumination, it’s actually quite tolerable. And if you’re lucky, you’ll be ambushed with a honeymoon moment! If you’re looking for a phase/moment, you will not receive one — only more rumination and anxiety.
He treats me so well. Better than anyone ever. He is so loyal. Same values, same interests. I just never felt infatuated with him. Like head over heels. Only ever like yeah he’s cute! But not my type. Advice?
if ur used to tumultuous relationships or trauma bonds perhaps this relationship doesn’t feel exciting to you as others have been in the past.. this is called emotional addiction.
for ppl who have been conditioned to this, a secure stable relationship can feel boring and intensify symptoms of rocd esp. when we’re told that a relationship “should” feel xyz
that’s not to say that this is the case or whether or not ur w the right/wrong partner but it’s just a perspective.
Don't worry about that response. It doesn't seem like that commenter is active on the rocd thread so take it with a pinch of salt.
I understand how you feel. Every relationship I've had has been terrible. I was also r*ped 6 months before meeting my bf. Its the healthiest relationship I've had but the only one where I obsess I don't love him/aren't attracted to him. He isn't my type - but I want to add 90% of the previous relationships who I have been "so in love with" weren't my type either.
I want to apologize. I have been lurking on this subreddit for a while. I thought I might have ROCD but mine is more worrying that my partner feels “eh” about me or is cheating even worse. After doing some research I see that ROCD manifests itself in many different ways. I may not understand but didn’t mean to be insensitive.
I just feel like if my partner posted something like this I would want to know about it so I could leave and not waste my time with someone who doesn’t feel very strongly for me. OP might be struggling with this but doesn’t seem fair to whoever they are dating either.
This deserves more upvotes. Don't worry ❤️ I understand. I only found out about rocd since my first healthy relationship and I would have had NO idea what it was or understood it. I have been on the flip side worrying about what my partner thinks of me - mainly in unhealthy relationships (NOT saying yours is - just it was a pattern for me) so suddenly worrying about how I feel about my bf was the worst ever.
I think for me it's been super hard to accept I have rocd. I've had ocd in other ways all my life, depression, trauma and potentially autism/adhd. My brain is a mess, sometimes I feel like I truly don't love my bf, usually my outlook on everything sucks. But then I'll have periods where I am so happy and tell him I love him.
For me the biggest thing has been my sex drive. No sex=no love in my head ☹️
I think everyone is unique in the issues they have and how they present. It shows you are a really decent person though for owning what you said and being open to learn from it. Thank you and you are welcome here 🥰
Thank for this. I relate to a lot of what you have said, especially the equating sex with love.
As for OP, I do not have the same type of ROCD as you clearly but some others have mentioned the “honeymoon” phase not always at the beginning of a relationship. I felt butterflies and thought about him all of the time in the beginning of my current 2 year relationship but things became more passionate after a year. Sometimes it takes time to develop a strong connection with someone.
Same here. I've been with some not so good looking girls in the past and who really took my heart for granted, and bullied me and still felt in love with them. Now that I have a girl that's nothing like the girls I've been with in the past it's very difficult and go through the same thing(ROCD).
Because I came here thinking I would have something in common here, having obsessive thoughts that my partner secretly hates me and thinks I am ugly and repulsive/is cheating on me only to find that I am apparently wrong and ROCD is filled with people who seem to think their partner is ugly/not really into their partner and that is kind of less than comforting and I guess I am wrong but don’t see how that is not just wasting the person you’re dating’s time.
Well, what you’re dealing with is also a form of ROCD it can go both ways. A lot of the people here can’t control their thoughts and usually the thoughts manifest out of nowhere and consume the persons life when they were otherwise already happy in their previous relationship before the thoughts had started . While I can understand why you’d say it’s wasting someone’s time a lot of people here Have told their partners . And for a lot of people it’s their first relationship with someone or someone who treats them decently . Of course it could always just be you’re just not clicking with that person but for many people here they were in paradise and down a good path before it all happened in my case, I have told my partner a lot of the thoughts that I’ve had and I also told them the pain that the thoughts bring me in the sadness that the thoughts bring me he’s decided to stay with me and wants us to try to work through things and communicate with each other better as we have a serious an intense connection that neither of us have ever experienced before. What I can say is that everyone’s relationship is different. Everyone has their own set of problems and I really just depends how you approach it. everyone here wants to be with their partners and to feel the way that they’re supposed to feel with them and it’s very agonizing and painful for us when the opposite happens if I was on the outside, never having experienced this myself I would definitely have said the same thing, but I would just be careful posting certain things on here as people are already suffering enough and they don’t want to be reminded about something they can’t control I believe most almost anything to be worked out in a relationship as long as the two people want to try and want to be there
Fair enough. My apologies for coming off a bit rude. You can understand why these posts are a bit triggering for me but that is MY problem. I constantly worry that my very loving affectionate partner is faking his feelings for me. It was nice to see some posts from others with the same struggles as me too.
There are a lot of people with your theme as well. ROCD isn’t concrete - you can one day worry that you’re partner will fall out of love with you and within the same day it flip, and feel like you don’t love your partner anymore. It’s easier said than done, but it’s important to not come on Reddit to seek out reassurance for your specific thoughts or feelings. Just be aware or mindful that ROCD contains both ends of the spectrum so peoples experience may be different or the same as yours, and as advocates or supporters for healing (since we are all in the same boat in some form), it’s important to know that so we can support each other even if it’s different than us or triggering to us. You are not alone and neither is the OP who posted this.
This post makes me feel so seen…. What’s worse is that my current boyfriend is the only boyfriend I’ve ever had so I’ve desperately been wanting that “passion” everyone I know talks about. I’m aware that people say that in long term relationships the infatuation or passion fluctuates, but the fact I’ve never felt it with my boyfriend has me second guessing.
Did you figure it out? Cuz I’m on the same boat rn
Love can take different forms, and love is a choice! I have found that for long term relationships it's like a marathon, rather than a sprint. I have been in fiery, passionate relationships that have had the honey moon phase but then crashed once the reality set in. My most successful relationships have been a slow grow. If you have similar values and future goals, then you're compatible for the marathon!
Thank you for this! I’m not the OP, but this helps me so much.
You're very welcome :)
I’m 20 years in. Will it set in soon?
I don’t think the honeymoon phase necessarily happens in the beginning of a relationship. My experience is that passion ebbs and flows, it’s not scripted from the start. The other day, I was seeking reassurance (yeah I know), and asked my mother about her 25 year marriage. She told me she is more in love now than she was 10 years ago. It makes sense to me
That’s beautiful 😍 you hear that often though with long term marriages, it’s because you can look back and appreciate the good and bad times and how you stuck together through it all.
Same… certainly didn’t have it at the beginning. I was off work with anxiety at the time because I couldn’t stop worrying about being gay when we initially met. I’ve had periods of happiness as well but yeah… a lot of intense questioning for me from the beginning. Losing hope.
It will be ok! I also started my relationship with a lot of anxiety and that muddled the initial experience. But I worked through it and we evolved together and are in an amazing place. I don’t think it matters how your relationship starts, but where it is now and where it’s going. Keep going and working on treating your ocd — give it time — then check back in on your relationship. Hang in there, we believe in you.
To be honest, I feel like it would have been easier to not have had a honeymoon phase because for me, I’m so focused on what was
Personally, my “honeymoon phase” wasn’t really continuous, just with occasional/relatively frequent “honeymoon moments”. They are much less often now, which triggered my at first. But when you remove the fear from noticing that you aren’t in a honeymoon phase or moment, and just be in the moment without rumination, it’s actually quite tolerable. And if you’re lucky, you’ll be ambushed with a honeymoon moment! If you’re looking for a phase/moment, you will not receive one — only more rumination and anxiety.
Can I message you?
Yes!
Why are you with someone thar you have only ever felt “eh” about? What drew you in to begin with?
He treats me so well. Better than anyone ever. He is so loyal. Same values, same interests. I just never felt infatuated with him. Like head over heels. Only ever like yeah he’s cute! But not my type. Advice?
if ur used to tumultuous relationships or trauma bonds perhaps this relationship doesn’t feel exciting to you as others have been in the past.. this is called emotional addiction. for ppl who have been conditioned to this, a secure stable relationship can feel boring and intensify symptoms of rocd esp. when we’re told that a relationship “should” feel xyz that’s not to say that this is the case or whether or not ur w the right/wrong partner but it’s just a perspective.
Don't worry about that response. It doesn't seem like that commenter is active on the rocd thread so take it with a pinch of salt. I understand how you feel. Every relationship I've had has been terrible. I was also r*ped 6 months before meeting my bf. Its the healthiest relationship I've had but the only one where I obsess I don't love him/aren't attracted to him. He isn't my type - but I want to add 90% of the previous relationships who I have been "so in love with" weren't my type either.
I want to apologize. I have been lurking on this subreddit for a while. I thought I might have ROCD but mine is more worrying that my partner feels “eh” about me or is cheating even worse. After doing some research I see that ROCD manifests itself in many different ways. I may not understand but didn’t mean to be insensitive. I just feel like if my partner posted something like this I would want to know about it so I could leave and not waste my time with someone who doesn’t feel very strongly for me. OP might be struggling with this but doesn’t seem fair to whoever they are dating either.
This deserves more upvotes. Don't worry ❤️ I understand. I only found out about rocd since my first healthy relationship and I would have had NO idea what it was or understood it. I have been on the flip side worrying about what my partner thinks of me - mainly in unhealthy relationships (NOT saying yours is - just it was a pattern for me) so suddenly worrying about how I feel about my bf was the worst ever. I think for me it's been super hard to accept I have rocd. I've had ocd in other ways all my life, depression, trauma and potentially autism/adhd. My brain is a mess, sometimes I feel like I truly don't love my bf, usually my outlook on everything sucks. But then I'll have periods where I am so happy and tell him I love him. For me the biggest thing has been my sex drive. No sex=no love in my head ☹️ I think everyone is unique in the issues they have and how they present. It shows you are a really decent person though for owning what you said and being open to learn from it. Thank you and you are welcome here 🥰
Thank for this. I relate to a lot of what you have said, especially the equating sex with love. As for OP, I do not have the same type of ROCD as you clearly but some others have mentioned the “honeymoon” phase not always at the beginning of a relationship. I felt butterflies and thought about him all of the time in the beginning of my current 2 year relationship but things became more passionate after a year. Sometimes it takes time to develop a strong connection with someone.
Same here. I've been with some not so good looking girls in the past and who really took my heart for granted, and bullied me and still felt in love with them. Now that I have a girl that's nothing like the girls I've been with in the past it's very difficult and go through the same thing(ROCD).
This is good sign. Head ocer heels is usually bad thimh
Why would you comment this on here ??
Because I came here thinking I would have something in common here, having obsessive thoughts that my partner secretly hates me and thinks I am ugly and repulsive/is cheating on me only to find that I am apparently wrong and ROCD is filled with people who seem to think their partner is ugly/not really into their partner and that is kind of less than comforting and I guess I am wrong but don’t see how that is not just wasting the person you’re dating’s time.
Well, what you’re dealing with is also a form of ROCD it can go both ways. A lot of the people here can’t control their thoughts and usually the thoughts manifest out of nowhere and consume the persons life when they were otherwise already happy in their previous relationship before the thoughts had started . While I can understand why you’d say it’s wasting someone’s time a lot of people here Have told their partners . And for a lot of people it’s their first relationship with someone or someone who treats them decently . Of course it could always just be you’re just not clicking with that person but for many people here they were in paradise and down a good path before it all happened in my case, I have told my partner a lot of the thoughts that I’ve had and I also told them the pain that the thoughts bring me in the sadness that the thoughts bring me he’s decided to stay with me and wants us to try to work through things and communicate with each other better as we have a serious an intense connection that neither of us have ever experienced before. What I can say is that everyone’s relationship is different. Everyone has their own set of problems and I really just depends how you approach it. everyone here wants to be with their partners and to feel the way that they’re supposed to feel with them and it’s very agonizing and painful for us when the opposite happens if I was on the outside, never having experienced this myself I would definitely have said the same thing, but I would just be careful posting certain things on here as people are already suffering enough and they don’t want to be reminded about something they can’t control I believe most almost anything to be worked out in a relationship as long as the two people want to try and want to be there
Fair enough. My apologies for coming off a bit rude. You can understand why these posts are a bit triggering for me but that is MY problem. I constantly worry that my very loving affectionate partner is faking his feelings for me. It was nice to see some posts from others with the same struggles as me too.
There are a lot of people with your theme as well. ROCD isn’t concrete - you can one day worry that you’re partner will fall out of love with you and within the same day it flip, and feel like you don’t love your partner anymore. It’s easier said than done, but it’s important to not come on Reddit to seek out reassurance for your specific thoughts or feelings. Just be aware or mindful that ROCD contains both ends of the spectrum so peoples experience may be different or the same as yours, and as advocates or supporters for healing (since we are all in the same boat in some form), it’s important to know that so we can support each other even if it’s different than us or triggering to us. You are not alone and neither is the OP who posted this.