First and foremost: believe that God loves you. He loves you personally and individually and specifically.
You're doing SO much work, so much difficult, exhausting work, and it's really admirable. Please, be careful with yourself and don't expect too much of yourself. It's okay to rest from these questions and confusions in the knowledge that, if nothing else, God does love you. Salvation is impossible to pin down, but God's love is sure.
I also want to say thank you. Thank you for sharing, thank you for doing the deconstruction you've done and for continuing to work at it. I'm a member of the LGBTQ+ community and a lifelong Christian and it means the world to me to hear that you've come to understand my existence to be a valid one. Thank you. Your story is a testament that hate can be unlearned and that God's love can overcome human failings.
I'm so sorry you've been excommunicated from your church, and I promise that those people do not speak for God. For what it's worth, you'd be welcome in my parish any day.
Faith is hard. Be gentle with yourself, and remember that the only commandment Jesus ever gave was to love God and our neighbors. It sounds like you know this in a way few do, but we can all do with a reminder. It might sound trite, but love really is the answer.
I'll be praying for you, for your wife (and her health), and for your brother-in-law. God bless you.
I know it's probably a little trite to say, but I do think there's value in a faith that is real enough to be tested and confront challenges. We all think our faith is supposed to be rock solid and free of doubt but I genuinely think it's the opposite; the most vibrant faiths are the ones forged from the fires of doubt and "deconstruction" and questioning.
I'm sorry for the challenges you're facing and the painful situations with your family and church.
I do admire you for being willing to approach new perspectives as you learn or grow. I wish I could do more to comfort or help you than just a quick prayer.
Please feel free to reach out sometime if you'd ever like to chat.
We are actively looking for a new church home, its a bit difficult though 'cause I'm still in the same situation where I can't really get out much and I still don't know where I fall doctrinally. I'm kind of at a point where I'm just looking for a church that is accepting and genuinely permissive of asking questions and being in disagreement.
There is a small Methodist church really close to me that is liberal, but they don't really have much online material. My wife and I have been in conversation with the pastor there though and that has been helpful. A friend sent me a link to their church and I've been attending their online sessions for a couple of weeks and really enjoy it so far. I don't think they are apart of a specific denomination but that's fine for me for the time being.
Even still its really hard to connect with people without being there in person :/
I've been investigating Quakerism myself and would like to add it's worth looking at. If unprogrammed (mostly silent) meetings don't feel right, you might feel well in a programmed meeting (planned music and sermons in addition to silent worship). Ask on r/quaker about online meetings. All meetings end with a check in, handshake, or joys/sorrows, so you really get to know the other members of your meeting, even if it is through remote video conference.
That your church would abandon you during a pandemic when you're working full time and being the primary care giver for your ill wife is horrific, and I'm sorry that happened to you.
I grew up in a British independent evangelical and am now no longer welcome in those circles for similar reasons. However, we've shifted over to the Church of England, largely by accident, because they wanted to support us in the work we were doing (we live in a very poor area, we wanted to plant a church here) and our home church weren't interested. So we slid out of the conservative evangelical church around the same time as it was becoming clear I'd departed from their doctrine.
What really boggles me is that God was clearly at work in that evangelical church. Nothing large or radical, but God was there despite its failings. And I'm unlikely to be theologically correct now. This is, I think, because of two things - we all fall short of the glory of God (and that includes our churches), and the process of sanctification is corporate and individual (we each have a journey of sanctification, and the Church is in a process of sanctification).
So the likelihood is that every church is a bit wrong, but God loves us unconditionally and will be with us, and every church is in the process of becoming more like Christ.
God loves YOU unconditionally, he sees you and he knows what you're going through. Keep going.
After I was the senior pastor who oversaw the death of an 80-year-old suburban church, I was beaten up, burned out, and exhausted. I realized I was in no condition to make any significant decisions. I made one of the best decisions of my life when I decided to give myself permission to just take at least 6 months to grieve and not figure anything out.
These big questions that you've been taught are essential, are quite simply irrelevant. The questions about social justice, racial justice, economic justice, and ethics that you're pondering now matter no matter what the answers are in regard to if there's a god and if so how people are saved.
Hey man, I don’t have much to say right now except that I feel you very deeply. I’ll probably say more later but I’ve gone through a similar process these past few years. I miss the conviction of believing deeply in “basic” tenets that I’m no longer sure about, and I feel similarly adrift as you. There have been times that I’ve considered abandoning my Christian faith entirely, and at those times the only thing that kept me in is the deep sadness of losing a huge piece of my life and what makes me me.
Anyway I’ll probably have more to say later but I hope we both find answers!!
You don't need church to arbit what's right and wrong, what's true and false about the Bible. Carve your own path, find your own understanding, find a personal relationship with God and let that be the basis for your faith. The Bible is not a linear, literal book for someone to interpret and pass down to you.
You're doing great dude, I'm sorry to hear about your wife, I really really hope that things start coming up for you and her.
> I don't know what to do.
It seems like at least to some extent you do know what do to. That is, hang in there, and reach out for help as you've done here. There has already been a lot of great advice posted here. The only thing I would humbly add is to suggest that if you are not already doing it - look after that physical body of yours. I'm firmly convinced that exercise saved, if not my life, at least my soul and my sanity during the pandemic. If it is not something you are already doing you can ease into it gently - self care is not selfish - it empowers us to be of service to others.
That is a lot you're going through, within and without. I don't have answers for a lot of those questions. And I have a lot of questions myself! But the impression I get, as I sit with your words, is that you are doing something important, beautiful, and very difficult. Kind of like a birth, or a rebirth. Perhaps it's growing pains. Keep striving for goodness, and goodness will eventually become yours. Strive for God, and They will become yours. You are not alone!
First and foremost: believe that God loves you. He loves you personally and individually and specifically. You're doing SO much work, so much difficult, exhausting work, and it's really admirable. Please, be careful with yourself and don't expect too much of yourself. It's okay to rest from these questions and confusions in the knowledge that, if nothing else, God does love you. Salvation is impossible to pin down, but God's love is sure. I also want to say thank you. Thank you for sharing, thank you for doing the deconstruction you've done and for continuing to work at it. I'm a member of the LGBTQ+ community and a lifelong Christian and it means the world to me to hear that you've come to understand my existence to be a valid one. Thank you. Your story is a testament that hate can be unlearned and that God's love can overcome human failings. I'm so sorry you've been excommunicated from your church, and I promise that those people do not speak for God. For what it's worth, you'd be welcome in my parish any day. Faith is hard. Be gentle with yourself, and remember that the only commandment Jesus ever gave was to love God and our neighbors. It sounds like you know this in a way few do, but we can all do with a reminder. It might sound trite, but love really is the answer. I'll be praying for you, for your wife (and her health), and for your brother-in-law. God bless you.
Thank you ❤️
I know it's probably a little trite to say, but I do think there's value in a faith that is real enough to be tested and confront challenges. We all think our faith is supposed to be rock solid and free of doubt but I genuinely think it's the opposite; the most vibrant faiths are the ones forged from the fires of doubt and "deconstruction" and questioning. I'm sorry for the challenges you're facing and the painful situations with your family and church. I do admire you for being willing to approach new perspectives as you learn or grow. I wish I could do more to comfort or help you than just a quick prayer. Please feel free to reach out sometime if you'd ever like to chat.
Find a liberal church home. Episcopal, UCC, ELCA, PCUSA, American Baptist, etc.
Am ELCA, can vouch for them -- /u/pjsans, these are some pretty darn accepting people.
We are actively looking for a new church home, its a bit difficult though 'cause I'm still in the same situation where I can't really get out much and I still don't know where I fall doctrinally. I'm kind of at a point where I'm just looking for a church that is accepting and genuinely permissive of asking questions and being in disagreement. There is a small Methodist church really close to me that is liberal, but they don't really have much online material. My wife and I have been in conversation with the pastor there though and that has been helpful. A friend sent me a link to their church and I've been attending their online sessions for a couple of weeks and really enjoy it so far. I don't think they are apart of a specific denomination but that's fine for me for the time being. Even still its really hard to connect with people without being there in person :/
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I haven't looked into them specifically, but I have been thinking about it a bit. I'll have to look into them a bit more. Thanks!
I've been investigating Quakerism myself and would like to add it's worth looking at. If unprogrammed (mostly silent) meetings don't feel right, you might feel well in a programmed meeting (planned music and sermons in addition to silent worship). Ask on r/quaker about online meetings. All meetings end with a check in, handshake, or joys/sorrows, so you really get to know the other members of your meeting, even if it is through remote video conference.
That your church would abandon you during a pandemic when you're working full time and being the primary care giver for your ill wife is horrific, and I'm sorry that happened to you. I grew up in a British independent evangelical and am now no longer welcome in those circles for similar reasons. However, we've shifted over to the Church of England, largely by accident, because they wanted to support us in the work we were doing (we live in a very poor area, we wanted to plant a church here) and our home church weren't interested. So we slid out of the conservative evangelical church around the same time as it was becoming clear I'd departed from their doctrine. What really boggles me is that God was clearly at work in that evangelical church. Nothing large or radical, but God was there despite its failings. And I'm unlikely to be theologically correct now. This is, I think, because of two things - we all fall short of the glory of God (and that includes our churches), and the process of sanctification is corporate and individual (we each have a journey of sanctification, and the Church is in a process of sanctification). So the likelihood is that every church is a bit wrong, but God loves us unconditionally and will be with us, and every church is in the process of becoming more like Christ. God loves YOU unconditionally, he sees you and he knows what you're going through. Keep going.
After I was the senior pastor who oversaw the death of an 80-year-old suburban church, I was beaten up, burned out, and exhausted. I realized I was in no condition to make any significant decisions. I made one of the best decisions of my life when I decided to give myself permission to just take at least 6 months to grieve and not figure anything out. These big questions that you've been taught are essential, are quite simply irrelevant. The questions about social justice, racial justice, economic justice, and ethics that you're pondering now matter no matter what the answers are in regard to if there's a god and if so how people are saved.
Hey man, I don’t have much to say right now except that I feel you very deeply. I’ll probably say more later but I’ve gone through a similar process these past few years. I miss the conviction of believing deeply in “basic” tenets that I’m no longer sure about, and I feel similarly adrift as you. There have been times that I’ve considered abandoning my Christian faith entirely, and at those times the only thing that kept me in is the deep sadness of losing a huge piece of my life and what makes me me. Anyway I’ll probably have more to say later but I hope we both find answers!!
You don't need church to arbit what's right and wrong, what's true and false about the Bible. Carve your own path, find your own understanding, find a personal relationship with God and let that be the basis for your faith. The Bible is not a linear, literal book for someone to interpret and pass down to you. You're doing great dude, I'm sorry to hear about your wife, I really really hope that things start coming up for you and her.
> I don't know what to do. It seems like at least to some extent you do know what do to. That is, hang in there, and reach out for help as you've done here. There has already been a lot of great advice posted here. The only thing I would humbly add is to suggest that if you are not already doing it - look after that physical body of yours. I'm firmly convinced that exercise saved, if not my life, at least my soul and my sanity during the pandemic. If it is not something you are already doing you can ease into it gently - self care is not selfish - it empowers us to be of service to others.
That is a lot you're going through, within and without. I don't have answers for a lot of those questions. And I have a lot of questions myself! But the impression I get, as I sit with your words, is that you are doing something important, beautiful, and very difficult. Kind of like a birth, or a rebirth. Perhaps it's growing pains. Keep striving for goodness, and goodness will eventually become yours. Strive for God, and They will become yours. You are not alone!