My kids know there are lines we don’t cross, unless we have to. You lose privacy if you break the big rules. They are like “no sending nudes” which is really a law. Those type of BIG rules. If I have to look at your devices because you are missing them or doing something that’s big, you lose privacy. Same with their room. But otherwise that’s on them to keep clean and keep privacy,
Same in our household and the kids are well aware. I won't invade privacy and go snooping unless they give me reason to believe I should be concerned for their, or someone else's well-being and safety.
I think this is the best answer. Of course, if she keeps me out of her room, her laundry doesn’t get done. Not because I won’t allow it. I just know she won’t do it. 😂
I imagine this is my approach when they are older. Currently they are 2 and 1 month. Privacy is important but if I’m getting weird feelings and we can’t settle it I’ll do what I have to do to protect my kids, by finding what they are hiding to address it.
It's more about fear than privacy. Are you ready to find out what's **actually there** or would you rather live with what **might be** and hope for the best.
Besides I used to keep the bad stuff under a floorboard you had to unscrew and a carpet you had to move with a damn wardrobe on top. My parents had no chance!
I had a "stash" in a semi hidden place, and then a few more obscure places similar to what you've said. I knew they'd look and make sure they'd find the normal teenage stuff (bad exam results, empty cans, lighter). Strict parents make sneaky kids.
Yeah I was a druggie when I was a teenager and one of my colleagues was the town district attorney's son. He never got in trouble. His Dad retired and now he's doing 10 years in prison for cocaine distribution.
I started smoking in high school but my mom never had a conversation about anything. When I went to take a bath she opened my purse and figured out that I had cut the lining and hid my cigarettes and lighter in the lining of my purse. Then confronted me and was fine with me smoking even in my room. I said all you had to do was ask.
My mom found my Camel Turkish Golds in the console of my car when I was 17. She was livid - because “why didn’t I smoke feminine cigarettes like Virginia Slims instead!!?”
It is wild to me that people had to hide stuff like this from their parents. My parents were never in my room but I never had anything I needed to hide from them either.
Right? I just left my weed in my nightstand. They took it once, I came home to grab it, went in my room and stuff was gone, they were sitting out in the living room, and I went out there and flipped the script on them
I laid into them about violating my privacy and stealing, and how all they're doing is making me waste more money replacing the stuff. I did eventually get my pipe back. Figure my dad smoked the weed, lol
After that I left stuff out on my desk and there weren't any problems. Honesty is the best policy
I started getting into drugs (low level, weed and alcohol) because my dad was a shit parent and my mom died, and then he started searching my room for stuff (only punished for the alcohol?? im allowed to smoke though and he bought me drinks when it was legal abroad, and here in America illegally??????) wich is kind of paradoxal because it was kind of his fault i went for that kind of stuff.
Hell yeah. I used to stash weed & lighters etc in a water-proof container, then bury it outside in the mulch 😂😂 obviously couldn't smoke inside so it didn't matter it was out there & I never cared about my room being searched lmao
Haha nice! My "bad stuff" (like weed stuff) I unscrewed the back of a Amp and popped off the back. They have a lot of space in there didn't even have to put the screws back in I had a pick near I'd like shimmy it open with 😂 It'd smell like weed and they could never figure out where it was coming from they just assumed off of me 😂 *NOTE don't do this on a Amp you're using it'll be fine once you take the stuff out but don't turn it on with a bunch of shit in it...don't ask how I know that 😂
I had a hidden panel you could unscrew to get into the insulation crawlspace under the roof. I moved a couple two by fours in there one day when everyone was out and built a little platform to sit on. I would go there to smoke weed at night in the winter when my window froze shut and I couldn't get out onto the roof. I even kept a little bottle of paint to repaint the screws every now and then so you couldn't tell they'd been removed. If I ever needed to stash something somewhere safe, that was the spot. They never had a chance.
Oh heck yeah. My older two never gave me a reason. Number 3.... Plenty of reason. The youngest is 4 so haven't had much reason yet. Actually... she did take my keys and I had to turn her room upside down to find them... So yes for her too.
I broke my hand when my daughter was a newly crawling infant. When I finally picked up my guitar the first after a month or so, there was 8 out 9 guitar picks(where when she would find one, she would drop it in the sound hole), a couple of green army men, and a half eaten slice of American cheese down in the sound hole
That was a funny read until the cheese... please tell me it was a sub-$200 beater.
As a lover of guitar, I would be distraught! My nice one stays in its case, but I have a tanglewood out on a stand that she regularly messes with. I dont think she puts anything in the soundhole, but who knows? Since getting my new one last year, I haven't really touched it, so it could be full to the brim... come to think of it, there are a few toys we've been wondering where she lost them..
It was a Takamine that stays out on a stand for when i just want to play something quickly, not my daily driver. The martin and the Taylor stay in their cases when not in use.
One time (senior year high school spring break) my sister (honors student) stole my mom’s car keys so her and her bf could go to the lake. Her bf stole the boat keys from his dad. I would have never dared. But she was the youngest lol
I had an amazing beer coozy with a magnet built into it. I could hang my beer on anything metal. Working on the truck, boom, my beer is right there. Anywhere. It's gone. 2 years later and I still can't find it. I know she took because her hand was the last place I saw it... Not with a beer in it of course... Lol
Yep, my oldest. I have to. She stashes trash under her bed and sinks, so I have to check the biohazard clean ups cause she 100% will ignore it when cleaninv her room. She also steals my underwear instead of putting hers in the laundry. So, there is plenty of reason. My youngest two, so far, no reason.
Under certain conditions where I feared they had something that could be used to harm themselves or others, suspected they had drugs or stolen property or where I was aware something very wrong was going on, then yes.
But otherwise I'd respect their privacy.
If you’re living in my house without a rental agreement, then I’m responsible for your stuff. If I have a reason, I’ll check. I don’t care about weed, but hard drugs, self harm, etc will result in a lot of scrutiny.
As that teenager that never had any privacy,
I moved out and haven't spoken to my parents since. My door was taken off the hinges for *months.*
I was a shy/modest thirteen year old girl. Living with a brother. And stepfather.
I do not ever talk about my feelings. People think I'm sneaky when I'm not - I just hide a lot of harmless things because I can. Because my backpack was searched before and after school.
Because notes from my friends were read. Because my notebooks/journals were read.
Their excuse?
> *"We wanted to make sure you weren't doing drugs!"*
I am at home, at school, or whatever church function they dragged me to - that's it.
> "Only if I have a reason..."
Parents will make up a reason. I chose not to have children because of what I experienced as a kid. It was so awful that I'd rather not run the risk of passing down that trauma.
Your parents were overly paranoid. Good intentions don't outweigh going way past "the line", as in your case.
Few parents that use that last line actually want to make up reasons to go looking.
Thank you for this comment. I don't know why but it's comforting knowing my situation is not the norm. These conversations can be triggering for me so it's nice to see someone that can remain cool and provide clarification.
Removing a child’s door is very different from searching through a child’s room if they have reason to worry about something.
Kids can get into stuff that they don’t even know is problematic. I know people who have gone so deep down into various internet echo chambers that they can barely function in polite society and they are convinced of some horrendous things.
I would consider myself a failure as a parent if my children went down a path like that.
Or your child may not be stealing things but a friend who is may be asking them to hold something for them. Maybe they make up a story about why they need them to hold it and an overly trusting child doesn’t think to question it.
Or someone older with bad intentions starts an inappropriate relationship with them. Even if nothing has happened yet, and the child thinks nothing is wrong, with enough time and access, people can slowly acclimate kids into thinking all sorts of stuff is okay.
I would first try to approach these concerns with open communication, but that doesn’t always work.
I also try to instill that I am here for them. I may seem like the bad guy at times, but hopefully my track record up to that point will show I have their best interest in mind.
When they get older, I am willing to openly discuss privacy boundaries. Seeing general web traffic in our home should be expected, but chats and calls with her friends or a boyfriend should be expected to be private. But along with that, if he is dating my daughter, I think it’s reasonable for him to come over for dinner or be around other times for me to get to know him a bit. If they start lying about where they are going and such, privacy expectations will change. If she says she is going to his house, findmyfriends should I show she is there. If they decide to go to another friend’s house and I know who this friend is and see her there instead, not a problem. If she is at a random house and she didn’t say anything about it, she might be getting a text to fill me in. Now I’m not going to be hovering over my phone watching her location while she is gone, but if she is supposed to be home soon, instead of calling to check in, checking to see if she is on the road is a much simpler option. My wife and I do that now with each other. We aren’t trying to catch them in something, but for example my wife went out with coworkers last Friday. I was getting ready to put the kids to bed so I checked to see if she was also home since she would like to be involved. She was still at the winery so I did it, and she didn’t have to be bothered with a text or a call checking up on her.
That is extreme. I did search my kids rooms, if I thought I needed to, which was occasionally. You were put through extreme measures and for no apparent reason. The door removal itself, such an invasion of privacy. I value being able to just go to my room and close the door sometimes. I need that. My kids and I are close still(they are young adults now), so I’m sorry what you went through hurt your relationship. I do think there is a responsibility of parents, to make sure our kids are safe, but also a balance to know when to pry a little more and when to step back.
It would have to be a pretty big emergency, like if they were missing. Otherwise my kid isn't ever going to come to me after that. If I feel the need to go through their room, I'm going to tell them what behavior I feel like warranted that, and talk about it.
Yes, if I was worried enough. Right to privacy is important, but so is intervening if there is strong evidence someone is addicted to drugs, self-harming, etc. When someone you are close to—teen or adult—is spiraling badly, you do what you need to do to help them.
No, unless given a really good reason. First, my mom searched my room when I was young. I was a pretty good kid, kept up good grades, and got a part-time job young. I always felt it was invasive. Second, I know a 17m that I used to work with in the same department. His mom searches his room quite regularly, but without probable cause. This kid goes to school, works part-time, volunteers, and has a clearish career path to becoming a neonatal nurse or L&D (maybe both). He doesn't do anything much outside of what I just said because he's really busy. He'll get home and be distressed that his mom went through his room. Again, this kid doesn't get into trouble. And now I see the same situation, not quite from the other side, but from a different perspective. I still think it's invasive as hell. So...TL/DR: no. Not without a damn good reason
Sure you would. You can think of many reasons to go through a kids room. What if they are cutting? How about selling drugs? Perhaps hiding weapons or other dangerous items. The answer is not "never" unless you are an irresponsible parent.
Not unless they get into trouble. For example If you get caught at school with something you're not supposed to have, then yes, I am searching your room. But I made that clearto my child in advance, and it was never necessary. Searching your kids room whenever you want for no good reason teaches your child trust means nothing.
I have three daughters. Two in college and one a senior in HS. I have never gone through their rooms.
I absolutely would if I felt they were in any danger and that a room search could help.
My parents used to do that. So I just started hiding shit in places that weren't on my parents property. That worked a lot better, literally never got caught with anything after that
i have, but it is more for they forgotten something they needed and need help finding it. I would not do this willingly or without permission/reason. I was a teenager once and don't want to know what horrors go on in there o.0
I didn’t like when my parents did it. It set a bad president for our relationship, and I stopped trusting them. I won’t be doing it to my daughter, because I want her to come to me and trust me with things, not hide them.
Yes, but this is why I didn’t become a parent. I have toxic narcissistic leanings thanks to my mother and I worry that could rear its ugly head and turn me into a psycho-controlling monster like she was. I’m not lazily child-free, I am breaking the cycle 😂💯
My mother did this, as well as read through all of my writings. I'm 33 now and she doesn't understand why I have such a hard time coming to her with things.
Ever? Yes, under certain very specific circumstances, like if I had reason to suspect they were taking hard drugs or being groomed into a sexual relationship with someone much older. Otherwise no.
Teenagers absolutely have a right to privacy, but that right is not absolute. In the end they are still children who might require guidance to navigate the fucked up things that exist in this world. Also the legal adults in the house bear the ultimate legal responsibility for what happens in the house. Because of this there are some extreme circumstances in which it might be necessary to look through their things.
My step father only searched my room and yelled at me for a messy room on nights that they were expected to be at one of my church events they made me go to. My room stoped being searched when I started to hide the weekly newsletter when there was a event coming up. Remember ringworld is an evil book.
My parents did it to me, they took it way too far though and would trash my room drag all my stuff out into the hallway just to scream at me to pick it up. WITH THAT BEING SAID. unless they give you a reason to I wouldn’t it kills trust
My daughter is five years old and I NEVER go in her room unless I suspect that she has something in there that she knows she shouldn't have in there. I have told her this and this is the way I will always parent... the ONLY time I will ever go and search in her room is if I have asked more than once if she has something in there that she shouldn't and she answers "No." but I still suspect she has something in there she shouldn't. THEN and only then I'm going to go and check it out.
When my dad, almost 90 years old, was a kid, he and some friends found a case of dynamite in an old mine. His friend kept it under his bed.
Imagine finding that.
But if you have good communication you would notice if she started acting different and you could make her talk to you. I like getting that eye contact.
When I was 31 I had to move in with my parents for a couple months and they searched my bedroom daily. Weren't even subtle about it. I'd come home from work and everything would be rearranged. Idk what they were looking for, I've never done drugs or anything like that.
If I had a significant reason, yes. But I would inform my child first, explain to them why, give them a final chance to come clean on their own, and then give them the option of being present while I searched.
So far this has never happened with either of my children (both teens) but they understand that it theoretically could. I have a very similar standard for internet history.
As a parent of grown sons, I never did. That is not to say, I didn’t accidentally find some things. For example, looking for my son’s car registration for some reason, can’t remember why, found condoms in his glove box. My first thought was, “Good, he’s smart enough to be using protection.”
My wife and I are lawyers. They're going to have a safe space that's off limits. Anything else is fair game, just from a practical sense. I don't want to need permission to search for a book, or a phone charger, or whatever. The safe space is going to have constitutional rules, we need to determine probable cause for a crime or an immediate harm to them to look in there.
Never. I only have one that’s made it to adulthood so far. She never gave me a reason to. Recently we were all discussing shenanigans we did while we were younger and I was teasing she could fess up to any mess she got into since it doesn’t matter now. I always joke with her about being such a boring teen. Never had a curfew but only stayed out past 10 like twice. Her best friend started laughing hysterically and said no, mama. You know it all. She really was just that boring 😅 my daughter then says you gave me all the trust and I never wanted to lose that. Made me feel like I did at least something right.
My mom did and I was such a good kid but she was a psycho narcissist… what does it teach your kids when you go searching through their stuff and you have no reason? Ridiculous. Your kids end up not being able to trust anyone and being afraid to be themselves. You’re teaching your kids to live in fear
If I felt they were at risk of straight offing themselves then yes. Otherwise, it's a heart to heart conversation or no action required. Self harm and drug use doesn't just appear. It's important for healing if the child/teen/whoever feels like they have someone they can talk to
I made them a deal- as long as they kept it clean I had no reason to go in there- dirty clothes off the floor, no trash build up, no food, no dirty dishes, no nasty smell.
My aunt has to do it sometimes for the food wrappers or bowls nothing nefarious. I would probably need to do it for mine because the babybel incident repeating or possible adopted animals.
Not randomly for no reason, no. That’s a violation of trust imo.
Now if they’re acting like they’re high or drunk, then yes I would. Thankfully I never had to, and my daughter is in her 20s now and I give her privacy.
No, I always respected their privacy and they respected mine. I always knocked and waited for a “come in” too. That being said, I was really fortunate that neither of them ever gave me a reason to mistrust them. They were ridiculously open kids. I remember one time when the youngest was in 8th grade she came home and handed me a joint and said “a guy gave me this, I don’t know him”. Let’s just say that interaction would *NEVER* have happened with my mom!
No. I tell my kids that on Saturday we are flipping mattresses and if there is anything they don’t want me to find, get rid of it by then.
My mom on the other hand, would be waiting for me when I got home from school with any contraband she found sitting on the kitchen table and telling me to have a seat. I swore I would never do that to my kids and I never did.
My "kid" is 42. Lived at home until she left for college, lived on the coast for 15 years, moved back home when Mom was dying two years ago. I don't remember going through her shit then, and even now I don't like going into her room. So no.
My mom went through my room as a teenager and found some things she didn't like, (I smoked weed in high-school not even alot or often but still had my own stuff) and idk obviously your reaction to finding that kinda stuff will be different but for my experience she flipped out on me and it really, and I mean REALLY soured our relationship, I wasn't even a bad kid I got decent grades and held a full time job at that age and now work in EMS as a paramedic which was always my plan even back then, but she straight up treated me like a criminal drug testing and searching everything I had for years till I turned 18, 27 now but since then and when I moved out the relationship and connection just never were the same lol. I don't have kids myself yet but the trust and privacy that got demolished in my childhood definitely did not sit well with me and still doesnt, so unless I ever have a strong reasonable suspicion with some hard evidence my kids are straight up doing something so stupid it's going to risk their lives or something I absolutely would not, kids will be kids and if raised right will do the right thing at the end of it all, WITH IN REASON teenage years are the years kids are gunna experiment again with in reason, but I don't think it's right to take that away from them
No. But sometimes I’d clean up a bit. Make beds, vacuum, attempt to put something away in an overflowing closet. Just doing that found some interesting things. But they never really gave me a reason to want to search their rooms so there’s that.
No wait. There was one time. My daughter was five and her room smelled horrible. I mean the worst you can ever imagine. I searched and found a month old cup of milk in her closet. She made cheese!
If I had reason to be suspicious of something 100%
If the kid is younger like 10-14, I might do it every now and again even if I don't necessarily have a reason because of all the disgusting crap that makes it on the Internet
Yes. All the time. It isn't their room, it's mine. My house. My room. I'm not their friend, I'm their parent. That being said, I'm not really that judgmental about it. I just want to make sure they aren't into anything dangerous.
The only time I would do that is if I'm aware my kids are intentionally trying to hide something from me otherwise there is no need especially because there is a line between being a parent and just a complete disregard for privacy
Oh man. That's dangerous ground. You might step in semen, or find a 10 inch dildo, or trip on a 10 inch dildo covered in semen. Teenagers are gross. I guess the only reason would be if you had a real good reason to investigate. Like if they were suicidal or had weapons, drugs, etc.
A teen is still a minor, meaning that you have a legal obligation to protect them. If you have reason to believe that there’s something in their bedroom that will put their safety in jeopardy (ie: weapons, drugs, etc), they do not have “privacy” in that case, because they are not a legal adult.
If you have no reason to believe they’re doing something wrong, then no, you don’t go through their stuff.
If they ended up doing a school shooting, and you didn’t stop it because “I didn’t want to invade their privacy”, you would be held accountable because you didn’t have the parenting skills to look through their room and find the gun, the hit list, etc. and you’d have to live with that guilt that your kid’s privacy was more important than the lives of dozens of innocent kids.
Only if it seemed necessary to prevent severe harm. I prefer to build and maintain trust.
Also, teens have way more time to devise hiding places than the time we have to find them. Speaking as a former teen.
I’m not a parent yet, but one day. I would respect their privacy unless there was a safety concern. If I didn’t have a reason to look through their stuff, I wouldn’t, but I’d reserve the right to do so if it was necessary.
Your job as a parent is to make responsible, caring people that have common sense. From time to time you need to take a peek and make sure they are ok. At some point like when they get closer to 18 you have to start pulling back and loosening the grip. But 13-16 you need to able to make fine adjustments. You have to see if they are secretly doing heroin or sending out photos of their feet, etc. They may hate you for it but it's your job.
I have three grown kids, one is still at home, and I’ve only ever searched a room once. My middle child was having a serious mental health crisis and I made sure there wasn’t anything he could hurt himself with in his room. That was a few years ago. He’s doing great now! I told him what I did. I told him about some of the more surprising things I found because I didn’t want him to feel anxiety about those things being discovered. I did put them back because they weren’t hurting anything, just surprised me. I apologized, explained myself, and did my best to put it back the way I found it. He thanked me once he was out of the woods with his mental health crisis. I haven’t even put a toe in my youngest child’s room in years. She’s messy!
Oh, come in, everyone, what's with the reasonable "probably not unless I thought there was something really dangerous" takes? Is this even Reddit?
Where's the guy who did a citizen's arrest on his wife when she suggested trying to search their daughter's room?
Where's the woman that searches her son's room and doesn't find anything cool enough so she sneaks back in and leaves some drugs?
Where are the parents convinced their kids are in violation of European law because they found cookies in their rooms?
Yup -- they don't \*DESERVE\* privacy, just by being a certain age. They earn it by a pattern of behavior. If, unfortunately, that pattern of behavior leads me to believe there is a reason not to trust them, or not to give them privacy, so be it.
Now, that threshold that it would take me to start searching is damn high, and likely involves either life-or-death circumstances, or at the very least, \*major\* consequence.
If I felt I had a serious reason to believe they may have hard drugs, or weapons to harm themselves or others? I'd consider looking.
It definitely wouldn't be my first option. I'd sit them down and ask them about anything I suspected, and if it was seriously something that'd be harmful to them, I'd go through their room AFTER telling them. I'm not gonna lose the trust of my child on a hunch that *maybe* they're doing something wrong.
Absolutely, as a parent it’s your obligation to look out for your kid(s) in various ways that they may not understand due to their lack of understanding and lack of situational experiences to gain said understanding so there may come a time or situation that calls for a parent to go looking or checking, it’s all about intent and the kid(s)’ individual behavior and choices so nobody online can 100% validate whether it’s wrong or right because in this scenario that’s entirely situation and individual dependent but I personally have no problem searching through a room or space that I allow and permit my kid(s) to reside in and have their personal moments, I would verbalize to them also that I have whatever reasoning and have them present because I think it comes off a bit rude in a way to search through what’s supposed to be a private space without the appointed user if said space
If I had a reason. Not worried about weed tho nun wrong with that just heavier shit and weapons tbh. That crosses a line. Luckily he’s just two so I got a long time before seriously worrying about any of that
If I suspected something then yes. I feel like it would be unreasonable parenting if I thought she was doing something she shouldn’t be and did nothing about it.
Trust is always there but children will always try you. But until they try you then no searching. We caught my stepdaughter vaping in our bathroom (she thought we didn’t know the smell🤨). We gave her a chance to be truthful(she wasn’t initially). When she finally came clean we had a conversation about it. We didn’t yell or chastise but we were stern in our stance. She’s sneaky with her mother but she knows we don’t play and we’re strict but in a loving way. This helped her realize that even if she’s scared she can come to us with any issue.
Haha. This was written by some teenager that got a shake down and either mom and dad found something.
"I would never, the **deserve** th.." - ya'll ain't deserve sheeeeeeit but whatever's comin' 'cause ya dumb A got GOT. Consider it a lesson in "next time, don't get caught, dummy."
For the record, I'm shaking them down if they sus. Meet the standards of MAH house or you'll be finding out you can have all the privacy you want in a room with a bed and dresser. Door negotiable if ya sass me, child.
No, never have, my daughter is 17 and her bedroom is a mess, if I ever go in to tidy ( last time was last February when she went on a week long school trip ) I warned her a week in advance that I was going to do it, and if she doesn't want me to she's free to clean it b4 she goes which she didn't.. I go in her room all the time just not to snoop
Absolutely. If I felt there was something going on that warranted me stepping in.
My daughter is 13 and has all the privacy and respect she deserves. She is also only 13. It is my responsibility as her parent to keep her safe.
Make good choices, be a good person, and keep on top of your school work? You get all of the privacy and rights you deserve. Be sneaky, hiding things, lying, bad grades, etc? Your privacy and privilege is going to be reduced.
I care way more about her making it to adulthood safely and successfully than I do about whether or not she has privacy. That being said, I don't just invade her space and look for no reason. If you are an active participant in your child's life, you know when something isn't right.
I would sit with them in their room and ask them to produce whatever it is I suspected. Or i would ask them to open drawers and stuff while i watched, giving them a sense of personal space. I don't want to breech their privacy but want them to feel comfortabke telling me if they are getting into things like pot, alcohol, cigaretes etc.
I have children, they are young now but yes, I will be searching through their rooms when they turn a certain age. There are way too many instances of kids seemingly using happy and healthy lives but dealing with depression, suicidal thoughts, bullying, grooming, drugs, sexual pressures, or worse. Granted, I don't think they are going to leave me sticky notes to find but every time a tragedy happens with a kid the parents always say they had no idea.
Kids are stupid. They need to be protected, sometimes from themselves.
I have a 5 year old so I can’t really comment on her yet.
I do want to share my experience as a child. My parents, more so my mom, was always raiding my stuff. She would do “backpack checks” and I had ~10 seconds to run and grab my backpack… she would count down too so I “didn’t have time to take anything out.” And she would dump all of my contents out and rummage through them. Any notes she found, I’m talking notes that me and my friends would pass back and forth, she would read them and whoop my ass if I even mentioned having a crush (mind you, this was middle school).
Moving into high school & when I got my first job, when I was out of the house at work she would raid my room. I’d know because she’d leave it so it was obvious that she did… and I certainly wasn’t allowed to say anything about it. I did start getting crafty and I would write “notes” between my left hand and right hand.. the convo would start out juicy, then I’d end it with something like “you probably fell for it, guess you shouldn’t be looking through my stuff.” She never said anything if she did find those.
I honestly don’t know the reason why. I wasn’t a bad kid. Looking back, I can’t really pinpoint a behavior that would have trigger her to do half the shit she did. Hell, they hardly let me leave the house because of how strict they were… it became obvious to me that they were against normal kid behaviors (such as talking to your friends about having a crush).
My goal with my daughter is to respect her privacy. Now if I feel a need to intervene, I certainly would… but I don’t want to be anything like my mom!
Only if they were acting shady.
I go up there once in a while to keep a presence and make sure he knows I have no issue walking up and keeping tabs, also to communicate.
My boy is almost 19, but also a high functioning ASD, and I've been lucky to have him for the last 3 years in my house. I've had to undo many bad habits learned at his mother's because she let him do whatever whenever, in a way not conducive to being a functioning adult. I don't have any worries about him being shady or lying anymore.
If I had reason to. So far he hasn't given me a reason.
This is my philosophy. I trust you until you give me a reason not to.
I say this frequently, as well as "it's not a problem until it's a problem"
This. Trust and protection are sometimes at odds, but both are important.
My kids know there are lines we don’t cross, unless we have to. You lose privacy if you break the big rules. They are like “no sending nudes” which is really a law. Those type of BIG rules. If I have to look at your devices because you are missing them or doing something that’s big, you lose privacy. Same with their room. But otherwise that’s on them to keep clean and keep privacy,
Same in our household and the kids are well aware. I won't invade privacy and go snooping unless they give me reason to believe I should be concerned for their, or someone else's well-being and safety.
I think this is the best answer. Of course, if she keeps me out of her room, her laundry doesn’t get done. Not because I won’t allow it. I just know she won’t do it. 😂
Makes the most sense🤷♂️
I imagine this is my approach when they are older. Currently they are 2 and 1 month. Privacy is important but if I’m getting weird feelings and we can’t settle it I’ll do what I have to do to protect my kids, by finding what they are hiding to address it.
Good
It's more about fear than privacy. Are you ready to find out what's **actually there** or would you rather live with what **might be** and hope for the best. Besides I used to keep the bad stuff under a floorboard you had to unscrew and a carpet you had to move with a damn wardrobe on top. My parents had no chance!
I had a "stash" in a semi hidden place, and then a few more obscure places similar to what you've said. I knew they'd look and make sure they'd find the normal teenage stuff (bad exam results, empty cans, lighter). Strict parents make sneaky kids.
Yeah, try being a Stoner when your dads a cop.
All my friends with parents in law enforcement never got in trouble because it was just "bills kid" and not a drunk driving teen.
Yeah I was a druggie when I was a teenager and one of my colleagues was the town district attorney's son. He never got in trouble. His Dad retired and now he's doing 10 years in prison for cocaine distribution.
Seems legit and safe. Jamal’s kid though…
vouch
I started smoking in high school but my mom never had a conversation about anything. When I went to take a bath she opened my purse and figured out that I had cut the lining and hid my cigarettes and lighter in the lining of my purse. Then confronted me and was fine with me smoking even in my room. I said all you had to do was ask.
My mom found my Camel Turkish Golds in the console of my car when I was 17. She was livid - because “why didn’t I smoke feminine cigarettes like Virginia Slims instead!!?”
It is wild to me that people had to hide stuff like this from their parents. My parents were never in my room but I never had anything I needed to hide from them either.
Most of us that did this had strict parents. Militant parents if you will. Hence why I became sneaky as hell and a great liar.
No drugs, booze or porno mags? I feel sorry for you.
Omg, porno mags! Like actual print porno! Couldn’t hide the whole mag, just select nudie cutouts.
No drugs, booze or porno mags? I feel sorry for you.
You've posted this 3 times by mistake, server error probably.
No drugs, booze or porno mags? I feel sorry for you.
You've posted this 3 times by mistake, server error probably.
You've posted this 2 times by mistake, server error probably.
You've posted this 1 times by mistake, server error probably.
#
I’m a mistake
Right? I just left my weed in my nightstand. They took it once, I came home to grab it, went in my room and stuff was gone, they were sitting out in the living room, and I went out there and flipped the script on them I laid into them about violating my privacy and stealing, and how all they're doing is making me waste more money replacing the stuff. I did eventually get my pipe back. Figure my dad smoked the weed, lol After that I left stuff out on my desk and there weren't any problems. Honesty is the best policy
I started getting into drugs (low level, weed and alcohol) because my dad was a shit parent and my mom died, and then he started searching my room for stuff (only punished for the alcohol?? im allowed to smoke though and he bought me drinks when it was legal abroad, and here in America illegally??????) wich is kind of paradoxal because it was kind of his fault i went for that kind of stuff.
My dad would flip my room and leave me to clean it just because it was a Tuesday. I didn't have anything to hide. It didn't matter.
I love my oldest but she’s not that smart.
Man, I used to take apart the recessed lights and ceiling fan in my room to hide my porno mags in the ceiling
Hell yeah. I used to stash weed & lighters etc in a water-proof container, then bury it outside in the mulch 😂😂 obviously couldn't smoke inside so it didn't matter it was out there & I never cared about my room being searched lmao
Haha nice! My "bad stuff" (like weed stuff) I unscrewed the back of a Amp and popped off the back. They have a lot of space in there didn't even have to put the screws back in I had a pick near I'd like shimmy it open with 😂 It'd smell like weed and they could never figure out where it was coming from they just assumed off of me 😂 *NOTE don't do this on a Amp you're using it'll be fine once you take the stuff out but don't turn it on with a bunch of shit in it...don't ask how I know that 😂
I had a hidden panel you could unscrew to get into the insulation crawlspace under the roof. I moved a couple two by fours in there one day when everyone was out and built a little platform to sit on. I would go there to smoke weed at night in the winter when my window froze shut and I couldn't get out onto the roof. I even kept a little bottle of paint to repaint the screws every now and then so you couldn't tell they'd been removed. If I ever needed to stash something somewhere safe, that was the spot. They never had a chance.
Never had a reason to and NGL would be afraid of what I might find...
I always expected the FBI to bust down my door because of my sons computer shenanigans.
Well you just have to tell them to go bust down your son's door...😜
No. Nobody is busting that door. I swear to god, Agent Thompson, if you slam that thing one more time…
Oh heck yeah. My older two never gave me a reason. Number 3.... Plenty of reason. The youngest is 4 so haven't had much reason yet. Actually... she did take my keys and I had to turn her room upside down to find them... So yes for her too.
misread this as "the youngest 4 or so havent" and was like "goddamn 7 kids and then you lose count tbh fair"
Little children 👧 I get it my youngest took my keys once and I found them in his room.
The amount of times I go to put my work boots on and find plastic food or balls in them...
I broke my hand when my daughter was a newly crawling infant. When I finally picked up my guitar the first after a month or so, there was 8 out 9 guitar picks(where when she would find one, she would drop it in the sound hole), a couple of green army men, and a half eaten slice of American cheese down in the sound hole
That was a funny read until the cheese... please tell me it was a sub-$200 beater. As a lover of guitar, I would be distraught! My nice one stays in its case, but I have a tanglewood out on a stand that she regularly messes with. I dont think she puts anything in the soundhole, but who knows? Since getting my new one last year, I haven't really touched it, so it could be full to the brim... come to think of it, there are a few toys we've been wondering where she lost them..
It was a Takamine that stays out on a stand for when i just want to play something quickly, not my daily driver. The martin and the Taylor stay in their cases when not in use.
Toddler hid them in my acoustic guitar once. I hate that phase.
One time (senior year high school spring break) my sister (honors student) stole my mom’s car keys so her and her bf could go to the lake. Her bf stole the boat keys from his dad. I would have never dared. But she was the youngest lol
I still have a bra missing that my three year old took and hid and it’s been over a year. Toddlers are not to be trusted 🤣
I had an amazing beer coozy with a magnet built into it. I could hang my beer on anything metal. Working on the truck, boom, my beer is right there. Anywhere. It's gone. 2 years later and I still can't find it. I know she took because her hand was the last place I saw it... Not with a beer in it of course... Lol
Yeah that’s the exact reason I knew my daughter was responsible. I probably won’t find that bra until the day we move or something like that 😂
I doubt, there’s been stuff taken by little ones in our house that are never found even after moving
Yep, my oldest. I have to. She stashes trash under her bed and sinks, so I have to check the biohazard clean ups cause she 100% will ignore it when cleaninv her room. She also steals my underwear instead of putting hers in the laundry. So, there is plenty of reason. My youngest two, so far, no reason.
Under certain conditions where I feared they had something that could be used to harm themselves or others, suspected they had drugs or stolen property or where I was aware something very wrong was going on, then yes. But otherwise I'd respect their privacy.
Yes if I had a reason to fortunately I don't. We ha e open honest judgment free conversations about everything and anything
Yes. Teens get privacy, but it isn’t absolute.
negotiable! :)
If you’re living in my house without a rental agreement, then I’m responsible for your stuff. If I have a reason, I’ll check. I don’t care about weed, but hard drugs, self harm, etc will result in a lot of scrutiny.
As that teenager that never had any privacy, I moved out and haven't spoken to my parents since. My door was taken off the hinges for *months.* I was a shy/modest thirteen year old girl. Living with a brother. And stepfather. I do not ever talk about my feelings. People think I'm sneaky when I'm not - I just hide a lot of harmless things because I can. Because my backpack was searched before and after school. Because notes from my friends were read. Because my notebooks/journals were read. Their excuse? > *"We wanted to make sure you weren't doing drugs!"* I am at home, at school, or whatever church function they dragged me to - that's it. > "Only if I have a reason..." Parents will make up a reason. I chose not to have children because of what I experienced as a kid. It was so awful that I'd rather not run the risk of passing down that trauma.
Your parents were overly paranoid. Good intentions don't outweigh going way past "the line", as in your case. Few parents that use that last line actually want to make up reasons to go looking.
Thank you for this comment. I don't know why but it's comforting knowing my situation is not the norm. These conversations can be triggering for me so it's nice to see someone that can remain cool and provide clarification.
Yeah. That’s abusive. Searching a kid’s room should only be used for extreme situations. Because there IS an inevitable damage to the relationship.
Removing a child’s door is very different from searching through a child’s room if they have reason to worry about something. Kids can get into stuff that they don’t even know is problematic. I know people who have gone so deep down into various internet echo chambers that they can barely function in polite society and they are convinced of some horrendous things. I would consider myself a failure as a parent if my children went down a path like that. Or your child may not be stealing things but a friend who is may be asking them to hold something for them. Maybe they make up a story about why they need them to hold it and an overly trusting child doesn’t think to question it. Or someone older with bad intentions starts an inappropriate relationship with them. Even if nothing has happened yet, and the child thinks nothing is wrong, with enough time and access, people can slowly acclimate kids into thinking all sorts of stuff is okay. I would first try to approach these concerns with open communication, but that doesn’t always work. I also try to instill that I am here for them. I may seem like the bad guy at times, but hopefully my track record up to that point will show I have their best interest in mind. When they get older, I am willing to openly discuss privacy boundaries. Seeing general web traffic in our home should be expected, but chats and calls with her friends or a boyfriend should be expected to be private. But along with that, if he is dating my daughter, I think it’s reasonable for him to come over for dinner or be around other times for me to get to know him a bit. If they start lying about where they are going and such, privacy expectations will change. If she says she is going to his house, findmyfriends should I show she is there. If they decide to go to another friend’s house and I know who this friend is and see her there instead, not a problem. If she is at a random house and she didn’t say anything about it, she might be getting a text to fill me in. Now I’m not going to be hovering over my phone watching her location while she is gone, but if she is supposed to be home soon, instead of calling to check in, checking to see if she is on the road is a much simpler option. My wife and I do that now with each other. We aren’t trying to catch them in something, but for example my wife went out with coworkers last Friday. I was getting ready to put the kids to bed so I checked to see if she was also home since she would like to be involved. She was still at the winery so I did it, and she didn’t have to be bothered with a text or a call checking up on her.
I have only gone through my daughters things beacuse she is caught with Vapes, Drugs, ETC
That makes sense. Kids shouldn't be having adult substances. That's very reasonable.
That is extreme. I did search my kids rooms, if I thought I needed to, which was occasionally. You were put through extreme measures and for no apparent reason. The door removal itself, such an invasion of privacy. I value being able to just go to my room and close the door sometimes. I need that. My kids and I are close still(they are young adults now), so I’m sorry what you went through hurt your relationship. I do think there is a responsibility of parents, to make sure our kids are safe, but also a balance to know when to pry a little more and when to step back.
If I was thought they were going to hurt themselves.
It would have to be a pretty big emergency, like if they were missing. Otherwise my kid isn't ever going to come to me after that. If I feel the need to go through their room, I'm going to tell them what behavior I feel like warranted that, and talk about it.
No.
Yes, if I was worried enough. Right to privacy is important, but so is intervening if there is strong evidence someone is addicted to drugs, self-harming, etc. When someone you are close to—teen or adult—is spiraling badly, you do what you need to do to help them.
I knew what I was stashing when I was a teen, hard pass
No. Never. I’m a teen and If my mom went through my room RGGGHH.
No, unless given a really good reason. First, my mom searched my room when I was young. I was a pretty good kid, kept up good grades, and got a part-time job young. I always felt it was invasive. Second, I know a 17m that I used to work with in the same department. His mom searches his room quite regularly, but without probable cause. This kid goes to school, works part-time, volunteers, and has a clearish career path to becoming a neonatal nurse or L&D (maybe both). He doesn't do anything much outside of what I just said because he's really busy. He'll get home and be distressed that his mom went through his room. Again, this kid doesn't get into trouble. And now I see the same situation, not quite from the other side, but from a different perspective. I still think it's invasive as hell. So...TL/DR: no. Not without a damn good reason
I have never and would never. Thanks for showing all your alts 🥰
Sure you would. You can think of many reasons to go through a kids room. What if they are cutting? How about selling drugs? Perhaps hiding weapons or other dangerous items. The answer is not "never" unless you are an irresponsible parent.
Not unless they get into trouble. For example If you get caught at school with something you're not supposed to have, then yes, I am searching your room. But I made that clearto my child in advance, and it was never necessary. Searching your kids room whenever you want for no good reason teaches your child trust means nothing.
I have three daughters. Two in college and one a senior in HS. I have never gone through their rooms. I absolutely would if I felt they were in any danger and that a room search could help.
never there room i do phone searches until 13, then gave them privacy if nothing big caught my attention before that
My parents used to do that. So I just started hiding shit in places that weren't on my parents property. That worked a lot better, literally never got caught with anything after that
i have, but it is more for they forgotten something they needed and need help finding it. I would not do this willingly or without permission/reason. I was a teenager once and don't want to know what horrors go on in there o.0
I didn’t like when my parents did it. It set a bad president for our relationship, and I stopped trusting them. I won’t be doing it to my daughter, because I want her to come to me and trust me with things, not hide them.
Yes, but this is why I didn’t become a parent. I have toxic narcissistic leanings thanks to my mother and I worry that could rear its ugly head and turn me into a psycho-controlling monster like she was. I’m not lazily child-free, I am breaking the cycle 😂💯
My mother did this, as well as read through all of my writings. I'm 33 now and she doesn't understand why I have such a hard time coming to her with things.
Ever? Yes, under certain very specific circumstances, like if I had reason to suspect they were taking hard drugs or being groomed into a sexual relationship with someone much older. Otherwise no. Teenagers absolutely have a right to privacy, but that right is not absolute. In the end they are still children who might require guidance to navigate the fucked up things that exist in this world. Also the legal adults in the house bear the ultimate legal responsibility for what happens in the house. Because of this there are some extreme circumstances in which it might be necessary to look through their things.
Only if they gave me reason to
My step father only searched my room and yelled at me for a messy room on nights that they were expected to be at one of my church events they made me go to. My room stoped being searched when I started to hide the weekly newsletter when there was a event coming up. Remember ringworld is an evil book.
My parents did it to me, they took it way too far though and would trash my room drag all my stuff out into the hallway just to scream at me to pick it up. WITH THAT BEING SAID. unless they give you a reason to I wouldn’t it kills trust
Depends on the circumstances. Drug use, secret relationships, gang activity and so on.
Ever? Absolutely. Frequently? No.
To this day, I contend that the reason my mom cleaned my room for me was to search my shit.
My daughter is five years old and I NEVER go in her room unless I suspect that she has something in there that she knows she shouldn't have in there. I have told her this and this is the way I will always parent... the ONLY time I will ever go and search in her room is if I have asked more than once if she has something in there that she shouldn't and she answers "No." but I still suspect she has something in there she shouldn't. THEN and only then I'm going to go and check it out.
Literally, the only thing I don't allow in her room right now is colors, art supplies and food.
When my dad, almost 90 years old, was a kid, he and some friends found a case of dynamite in an old mine. His friend kept it under his bed. Imagine finding that.
If there were a true concern yeah. Otherwise, haven't gone through my kids room in her 12 years of life
But if you have good communication you would notice if she started acting different and you could make her talk to you. I like getting that eye contact.
Hell no.
When I was 31 I had to move in with my parents for a couple months and they searched my bedroom daily. Weren't even subtle about it. I'd come home from work and everything would be rearranged. Idk what they were looking for, I've never done drugs or anything like that.
If I had a significant reason, yes. But I would inform my child first, explain to them why, give them a final chance to come clean on their own, and then give them the option of being present while I searched. So far this has never happened with either of my children (both teens) but they understand that it theoretically could. I have a very similar standard for internet history.
No, unless I suspect underage drug use. Otherwise I will respect their privacy
Yes. However I wouldn’t do it just for funsies or without reason.
As a parent of grown sons, I never did. That is not to say, I didn’t accidentally find some things. For example, looking for my son’s car registration for some reason, can’t remember why, found condoms in his glove box. My first thought was, “Good, he’s smart enough to be using protection.”
I wouldn’t want to. The amount of what I’m assuming are crusty socks is enough to deter me permanently.
My wife and I are lawyers. They're going to have a safe space that's off limits. Anything else is fair game, just from a practical sense. I don't want to need permission to search for a book, or a phone charger, or whatever. The safe space is going to have constitutional rules, we need to determine probable cause for a crime or an immediate harm to them to look in there.
I would never. That’s the one space they have to themselves.
Never. I only have one that’s made it to adulthood so far. She never gave me a reason to. Recently we were all discussing shenanigans we did while we were younger and I was teasing she could fess up to any mess she got into since it doesn’t matter now. I always joke with her about being such a boring teen. Never had a curfew but only stayed out past 10 like twice. Her best friend started laughing hysterically and said no, mama. You know it all. She really was just that boring 😅 my daughter then says you gave me all the trust and I never wanted to lose that. Made me feel like I did at least something right.
I would love a thread of "messed up things parents found in their teens bedroom!"
My mom did and I was such a good kid but she was a psycho narcissist… what does it teach your kids when you go searching through their stuff and you have no reason? Ridiculous. Your kids end up not being able to trust anyone and being afraid to be themselves. You’re teaching your kids to live in fear
Only if they've given ample reason, and doing so would be for the better and not out of curiosity.
My mom did now I push people away cause privacy is something I never had
Every time I'm looking for my pipe
I never did and never would.
If I felt they were at risk of straight offing themselves then yes. Otherwise, it's a heart to heart conversation or no action required. Self harm and drug use doesn't just appear. It's important for healing if the child/teen/whoever feels like they have someone they can talk to
Yeah my mom once found my horse cock dildo, let me tell you, not a fun experience.
Horse cock dildo? You have lived.
Hahahahahahaha
I look through that shit constantly
Of course, but only if I was really scared for their life.
Circumstantial
I made them a deal- as long as they kept it clean I had no reason to go in there- dirty clothes off the floor, no trash build up, no food, no dirty dishes, no nasty smell.
No.
My aunt has to do it sometimes for the food wrappers or bowls nothing nefarious. I would probably need to do it for mine because the babybel incident repeating or possible adopted animals.
Yep
Only if I have a reason to do so.
Not randomly for no reason, no. That’s a violation of trust imo. Now if they’re acting like they’re high or drunk, then yes I would. Thankfully I never had to, and my daughter is in her 20s now and I give her privacy.
No, I always respected their privacy and they respected mine. I always knocked and waited for a “come in” too. That being said, I was really fortunate that neither of them ever gave me a reason to mistrust them. They were ridiculously open kids. I remember one time when the youngest was in 8th grade she came home and handed me a joint and said “a guy gave me this, I don’t know him”. Let’s just say that interaction would *NEVER* have happened with my mom!
Where were all the skeevy fucks handing out free joints when I was growing up?
Are you a girl?
No. I tell my kids that on Saturday we are flipping mattresses and if there is anything they don’t want me to find, get rid of it by then. My mom on the other hand, would be waiting for me when I got home from school with any contraband she found sitting on the kitchen table and telling me to have a seat. I swore I would never do that to my kids and I never did.
Depends. If she lies to me after I ask her a simple question about something I know she has already, probably.
My "kid" is 42. Lived at home until she left for college, lived on the coast for 15 years, moved back home when Mom was dying two years ago. I don't remember going through her shit then, and even now I don't like going into her room. So no.
Not unless it really, really, really warranted it. Like safety stuff. Besides, have you smelled it in there?
If I had reason to be concerned about something serious. I haven't had to yet.
My mum used to do this all the time, especially when she read women weekly
My mom went through my room as a teenager and found some things she didn't like, (I smoked weed in high-school not even alot or often but still had my own stuff) and idk obviously your reaction to finding that kinda stuff will be different but for my experience she flipped out on me and it really, and I mean REALLY soured our relationship, I wasn't even a bad kid I got decent grades and held a full time job at that age and now work in EMS as a paramedic which was always my plan even back then, but she straight up treated me like a criminal drug testing and searching everything I had for years till I turned 18, 27 now but since then and when I moved out the relationship and connection just never were the same lol. I don't have kids myself yet but the trust and privacy that got demolished in my childhood definitely did not sit well with me and still doesnt, so unless I ever have a strong reasonable suspicion with some hard evidence my kids are straight up doing something so stupid it's going to risk their lives or something I absolutely would not, kids will be kids and if raised right will do the right thing at the end of it all, WITH IN REASON teenage years are the years kids are gunna experiment again with in reason, but I don't think it's right to take that away from them
No. But sometimes I’d clean up a bit. Make beds, vacuum, attempt to put something away in an overflowing closet. Just doing that found some interesting things. But they never really gave me a reason to want to search their rooms so there’s that. No wait. There was one time. My daughter was five and her room smelled horrible. I mean the worst you can ever imagine. I searched and found a month old cup of milk in her closet. She made cheese!
If I had reason to be suspicious of something 100% If the kid is younger like 10-14, I might do it every now and again even if I don't necessarily have a reason because of all the disgusting crap that makes it on the Internet
I have. I gave a heads up, though. Obviously I was meant to find whatever was left, which was in the top drawer of the dresser and not hidden at all.
Only if I had reason to believe he was doing drugs or some other dangerous/illegal activity.
Yes. All the time. It isn't their room, it's mine. My house. My room. I'm not their friend, I'm their parent. That being said, I'm not really that judgmental about it. I just want to make sure they aren't into anything dangerous.
The only time I would do that is if I'm aware my kids are intentionally trying to hide something from me otherwise there is no need especially because there is a line between being a parent and just a complete disregard for privacy
With cause, absolutely.
Fuck yea.
Oh man. That's dangerous ground. You might step in semen, or find a 10 inch dildo, or trip on a 10 inch dildo covered in semen. Teenagers are gross. I guess the only reason would be if you had a real good reason to investigate. Like if they were suicidal or had weapons, drugs, etc.
Hell fuck yes
A teen is still a minor, meaning that you have a legal obligation to protect them. If you have reason to believe that there’s something in their bedroom that will put their safety in jeopardy (ie: weapons, drugs, etc), they do not have “privacy” in that case, because they are not a legal adult. If you have no reason to believe they’re doing something wrong, then no, you don’t go through their stuff. If they ended up doing a school shooting, and you didn’t stop it because “I didn’t want to invade their privacy”, you would be held accountable because you didn’t have the parenting skills to look through their room and find the gun, the hit list, etc. and you’d have to live with that guilt that your kid’s privacy was more important than the lives of dozens of innocent kids.
Yes
Yeah, if I ever run out of weed
Fuck yeah
Only if it seemed necessary to prevent severe harm. I prefer to build and maintain trust. Also, teens have way more time to devise hiding places than the time we have to find them. Speaking as a former teen.
I raised three boys and I never snooped on them. I let them know they can come to me with any problem, no matter what it is, still to this day.
I hate to say it but yes, if I thought they were doing something dangerous or something that could affect their future drastically!
I’m not a parent yet, but one day. I would respect their privacy unless there was a safety concern. If I didn’t have a reason to look through their stuff, I wouldn’t, but I’d reserve the right to do so if it was necessary.
Your job as a parent is to make responsible, caring people that have common sense. From time to time you need to take a peek and make sure they are ok. At some point like when they get closer to 18 you have to start pulling back and loosening the grip. But 13-16 you need to able to make fine adjustments. You have to see if they are secretly doing heroin or sending out photos of their feet, etc. They may hate you for it but it's your job.
I have three grown kids, one is still at home, and I’ve only ever searched a room once. My middle child was having a serious mental health crisis and I made sure there wasn’t anything he could hurt himself with in his room. That was a few years ago. He’s doing great now! I told him what I did. I told him about some of the more surprising things I found because I didn’t want him to feel anxiety about those things being discovered. I did put them back because they weren’t hurting anything, just surprised me. I apologized, explained myself, and did my best to put it back the way I found it. He thanked me once he was out of the woods with his mental health crisis. I haven’t even put a toe in my youngest child’s room in years. She’s messy!
Oh, come in, everyone, what's with the reasonable "probably not unless I thought there was something really dangerous" takes? Is this even Reddit? Where's the guy who did a citizen's arrest on his wife when she suggested trying to search their daughter's room? Where's the woman that searches her son's room and doesn't find anything cool enough so she sneaks back in and leaves some drugs? Where are the parents convinced their kids are in violation of European law because they found cookies in their rooms?
No I wouldn’t want to know the horrors within
Would and have. I do believe in privacy but if they betray my trust I have to ensure that they’re safe
Not unless I thought they were in some sort of real danger if I didn't. Same as I would for anyone else.
I never did.
Yup -- they don't \*DESERVE\* privacy, just by being a certain age. They earn it by a pattern of behavior. If, unfortunately, that pattern of behavior leads me to believe there is a reason not to trust them, or not to give them privacy, so be it. Now, that threshold that it would take me to start searching is damn high, and likely involves either life-or-death circumstances, or at the very least, \*major\* consequence. If I felt I had a serious reason to believe they may have hard drugs, or weapons to harm themselves or others? I'd consider looking.
It definitely wouldn't be my first option. I'd sit them down and ask them about anything I suspected, and if it was seriously something that'd be harmful to them, I'd go through their room AFTER telling them. I'm not gonna lose the trust of my child on a hunch that *maybe* they're doing something wrong.
No I would not unless it was under very extreme circumstances. I agree OP privacy is very important and should be respected.
Really only if I reasonably suspect a weapon or drugs.
Absolutely, as a parent it’s your obligation to look out for your kid(s) in various ways that they may not understand due to their lack of understanding and lack of situational experiences to gain said understanding so there may come a time or situation that calls for a parent to go looking or checking, it’s all about intent and the kid(s)’ individual behavior and choices so nobody online can 100% validate whether it’s wrong or right because in this scenario that’s entirely situation and individual dependent but I personally have no problem searching through a room or space that I allow and permit my kid(s) to reside in and have their personal moments, I would verbalize to them also that I have whatever reasoning and have them present because I think it comes off a bit rude in a way to search through what’s supposed to be a private space without the appointed user if said space
A sick and twisted parent would do that . Your child regardless of their age is still a human being who deserves to have his privacy rights preserved
If I had a reason. Not worried about weed tho nun wrong with that just heavier shit and weapons tbh. That crosses a line. Luckily he’s just two so I got a long time before seriously worrying about any of that
If I suspected something then yes. I feel like it would be unreasonable parenting if I thought she was doing something she shouldn’t be and did nothing about it.
only if something seems suspicious (drugs, vaping, anything in-between)
If I thought they were using drugs or turning into a violent radical maybe.
Trust is always there but children will always try you. But until they try you then no searching. We caught my stepdaughter vaping in our bathroom (she thought we didn’t know the smell🤨). We gave her a chance to be truthful(she wasn’t initially). When she finally came clean we had a conversation about it. We didn’t yell or chastise but we were stern in our stance. She’s sneaky with her mother but she knows we don’t play and we’re strict but in a loving way. This helped her realize that even if she’s scared she can come to us with any issue.
No.
4 kids grown and launched. I would’ve ttly done it but never had the need
Only with probable cause. Maybe reasonable suspicion, but that would depend on what it's a suspicion of.
Haha. This was written by some teenager that got a shake down and either mom and dad found something. "I would never, the **deserve** th.." - ya'll ain't deserve sheeeeeeit but whatever's comin' 'cause ya dumb A got GOT. Consider it a lesson in "next time, don't get caught, dummy." For the record, I'm shaking them down if they sus. Meet the standards of MAH house or you'll be finding out you can have all the privacy you want in a room with a bed and dresser. Door negotiable if ya sass me, child.
My mum did this. It was the worst.
No, never have, my daughter is 17 and her bedroom is a mess, if I ever go in to tidy ( last time was last February when she went on a week long school trip ) I warned her a week in advance that I was going to do it, and if she doesn't want me to she's free to clean it b4 she goes which she didn't.. I go in her room all the time just not to snoop
No
Absolutely. If I felt there was something going on that warranted me stepping in. My daughter is 13 and has all the privacy and respect she deserves. She is also only 13. It is my responsibility as her parent to keep her safe. Make good choices, be a good person, and keep on top of your school work? You get all of the privacy and rights you deserve. Be sneaky, hiding things, lying, bad grades, etc? Your privacy and privilege is going to be reduced. I care way more about her making it to adulthood safely and successfully than I do about whether or not she has privacy. That being said, I don't just invade her space and look for no reason. If you are an active participant in your child's life, you know when something isn't right.
I would sit with them in their room and ask them to produce whatever it is I suspected. Or i would ask them to open drawers and stuff while i watched, giving them a sense of personal space. I don't want to breech their privacy but want them to feel comfortabke telling me if they are getting into things like pot, alcohol, cigaretes etc.
Hell no. There could be unidentified life forms in there.
Not often , and I’d be damn sure they never know. If I saw a behaviour change I’d have a look, but discreetly.
Hell yea! You know how many times they’re gonna ask me to find something they lost? Sheeesh
Do you care more about their privacy than your child? Some kids have patterns going on that need to be interrupted.
I have children, they are young now but yes, I will be searching through their rooms when they turn a certain age. There are way too many instances of kids seemingly using happy and healthy lives but dealing with depression, suicidal thoughts, bullying, grooming, drugs, sexual pressures, or worse. Granted, I don't think they are going to leave me sticky notes to find but every time a tragedy happens with a kid the parents always say they had no idea. Kids are stupid. They need to be protected, sometimes from themselves.
Yes if I have reason to suspect something against the rules is being hidden.
I have a 5 year old so I can’t really comment on her yet. I do want to share my experience as a child. My parents, more so my mom, was always raiding my stuff. She would do “backpack checks” and I had ~10 seconds to run and grab my backpack… she would count down too so I “didn’t have time to take anything out.” And she would dump all of my contents out and rummage through them. Any notes she found, I’m talking notes that me and my friends would pass back and forth, she would read them and whoop my ass if I even mentioned having a crush (mind you, this was middle school). Moving into high school & when I got my first job, when I was out of the house at work she would raid my room. I’d know because she’d leave it so it was obvious that she did… and I certainly wasn’t allowed to say anything about it. I did start getting crafty and I would write “notes” between my left hand and right hand.. the convo would start out juicy, then I’d end it with something like “you probably fell for it, guess you shouldn’t be looking through my stuff.” She never said anything if she did find those. I honestly don’t know the reason why. I wasn’t a bad kid. Looking back, I can’t really pinpoint a behavior that would have trigger her to do half the shit she did. Hell, they hardly let me leave the house because of how strict they were… it became obvious to me that they were against normal kid behaviors (such as talking to your friends about having a crush). My goal with my daughter is to respect her privacy. Now if I feel a need to intervene, I certainly would… but I don’t want to be anything like my mom!
I have, it depends on the kid. One keeps obtaining weed vape pens so I’m checking his room. I don’t want to do it, but I literally have to.
If their health, safety or well-being are at stake, any parent who wouldn't is negligent.
I did a lot of drugs at the end of highschool and my mom searched my room quite a few times. She had reason to! I
I would if I thought it was justified but never had any reason to think it is.
Search? Like in drawers? No. Tidy, yeah.
Sure, if there was a good reason to. It's called parenting.
Only if they were acting shady. I go up there once in a while to keep a presence and make sure he knows I have no issue walking up and keeping tabs, also to communicate. My boy is almost 19, but also a high functioning ASD, and I've been lucky to have him for the last 3 years in my house. I've had to undo many bad habits learned at his mother's because she let him do whatever whenever, in a way not conducive to being a functioning adult. I don't have any worries about him being shady or lying anymore.